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unknownpisces002 · 4 months

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GREEN MILE.

“ Losing my mind, think I look good when I’m really just high. Scared of my life, can a bitch get by? Sick of listening to everyone else. Sick of my pride, sick of just saying shit, just to be nice. Sick of this world, how do I get by? Miles running wild in my head.”

Giovanna Ramos X Black Fem.

Summary

“Clarity is a state of mind. And freedom ain’t real either, so who’s sold you that lie?” A love story told in a therapy session, about two young girls that were once mad for one another. By a recovering drug addict, who’s life revolves entirely around the green mile of North Carolina.

That she so desperately wants to escape.

Word count: 2,259

Themes: friends to lovers, LGBT, derealization, coming out of the closet, growth, homophobia, substance abuse, summer, violence, mental health, religion, family problems and secrets, young adults, mature, self discovery, eventual fluff, eventual smut, therapy, North Carolina, countryside, poverty, trauma, urban romance, urban fiction, ghetto.

Divider by: @firefly-graphics

Author’s Note

hi everyone! this is a story that i decided to transfer over from my wattpad account. that i recently just started at the end of december. because i felt the need to share it here, over on this platform as well.

so that all of you guys would also be able to read/ give me feedback on how it is, and what you’d like to see occur? as the story progresses on. so i hope that you all like it, and also feel free to follow me on wattpad as well! my username is supersensitivepisces on there 🧚🏽

also, inspiration to create this story? came from my love for Giovanna. ( she’s so aesthetically pleasing flf me.) as well as a movie that i had been watching, the day that i decided to publish this onto my account back in december.

PROLOGUE.

" I'll never meet a girl like you again. Out of everything I lost, I lost a friend. Tryna get over you, tryna convince myself every night. It's just another night, even though deep down I'm traumatized."

HASSAN

4 hassan

U r the omega of my heart. The foundation 4 my concept of love, when I think of what a black woman should be. It's you that I first think of.

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U will never fully understand how deeply my heart feels for you. I worry that we'll grow apart, and I'll end up losing you.

____________________________________________

U bring me to a climax without sex, and u do it all with regal grace. U r my heart in human form, a friend I could never replace.

____________________________________________

– from gio.

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11/7/18

Oak City Therapy

Lillington, NC

" When I was younger, around like five or six years old? I used to bug my mom and tell her about how I wanted to be a firefighter. So I could save lies and put out fires? Like the people who I'd watch on tv would do."

Tapping the tips of her fingertips onto the dark oak wood coffee table, that was located in the center of the dim lit office room. Giovanna kept her head facing downwards.

Finding that, refusing to make direct eye contact with her therapist of 3 years, who was named Marsha? Was far more comfortable and peaceful for her nerves, as well as her emotional state.

That had so desperately wanted to crumble and falter, into tiny small pieces of despair. But you see, that was the one thing on this fucked up planet, we call earth? That Giovanna was against.

Showing emotions and allowing herself to be vulnerable? Were just two things she'd rather die over, before she'd allow them to be seen by the entire world.

Or in this specific case? Her friends, along with her father. Who had played a humongous part, in why she chose to be nonchalant while acting unfazed? About majority of the things that would occur inside of her life.

".. I too? Used to dream of being a firefighter myself. When I was around that exact age, but I'm assuming that specific dream of yours must've gotten lost. Somewhere down the line as you aged up? If you aren't uncomfortable telling me about why or how? That occurred.."

Marsha eased her way into questioning the young woman who sat before her, slowly and hesitantly. Making sure that each of the words she'd spoken? Came out soft, in a calm and delicate manner.

As she leaned her backside up against her office chair, with eyes full of hope and wonder. That held a bit of gloominess inside them as well too. Once she noticed the way that Giovanna's breathing had begun to pick up a bit.

Just as her short, but not too short fingernails, that were painted a matte black color? Had begun to dig into the surface of the desk she sat at. Almost as if she were trying to dig a deep hole into the center of it, that would allow her to shield and hide herself away?

From having to answer the difficult question? That had been asked of her.

" ..I wouldn't say that my passion to accomplish that specific dream? Got lost. Because even after my mom had passed away, from having cancer? Apart of me still wanted to pursue that goal. But at the same time? Another part of me, like the part that held high hopes and expectations for things? Had diminished inside of me completely, after I lost my mom.."

" ..And I'm not really sure that if me being an only child, plays a part in that? Because don't get me wrong, I was loved wholeheartedly? By both of my parents equally when I was younger. But I don't know...sometimes now? Like when I'm alone or high from being off pills or something? I start to realize that really? It was only my mom that had loved me wholeheartedly back then.."

" Instead of it being my dad."

" And why is it, that you feel as if your father doesn't love you Giovanna?" Marsha continued to ask all the questions, that were written down onto her clipboard hesitantly.

Feeling an unsettling sensation begin to wash over her slowly. When Giovanna had taken it upon herself to shift around inside her seat. Which allowed the left sleeve of her oversized sweatshirt to rise. And give Marsha the opportunity, to catch a glimpse of all the fresh and faded scar markings that were present there.

From Giovanna, inflicting a significant amount of self harm unto herself.

" I know that he doesn't love me? Because he's voiced that statement every single day. Over the last twelve years? Repeatedly." Giovanna chuckled bitterly, all while gnawing on the inside of her jaw using her teeth.

" Me being a lesbian? Probably is another one of the reasons why he hates me too. But all in all? He just doesn't love or care for me period? In the way that a normal father would love their child."

And that fact alone? Was sadly true.

" Him not loving me or treating me properly? Doesn't bother me at all though. Because I'm used to it now, and I know that me saying that? Probably sounds stupid right? And it might also make you assume that I may or may not have Stockholm syndrome? Being that I'm okay with the fact that my father's been treating me like shit, while sometimes abusing me and more? For over twelve years."

" Yes, the way that you are going on about how his lack of love and affection, doesn't bother you? Does raise a few red flags for me. As far as you possibly being a victim of having Stockholm syndrome? But it also makes me worry more about your emotional and mental state? Even more. Being that when you really sit and sum up the timeframe, of you losing your mother? Down to your father's continuous abuse?"

" It seems that through all of that? You haven't been able to feel any of the proper care, love or attention? That a person who's endured losing a parent at a young age? Should get to feel. And that may also be another reason, as to why you feel the need to be so distant. While hiding away your true feelings, because honestly Giovanna? I'm gonna tell you something from my own personal experiences with life."

"..That have helped me find closure and peace? Within myself. After being a victim of my own? To some of the same exact problems that you've been having."

Sitting her clipboard aside, after grabbing a few tissues out of the box that was towards her right. Marsha had begun opening up about her past life, to Giovanna. As a way to encourage the younger woman and try to get through to her in a way, that talking and asking simple therapy questions? Couldn't do.

But of course? As always, Giovanna didn't care to hear any of it. Which allowed every word that left from out of Marsha's mouth, to enter inside of one ear, and come floating directly through the other.

Just as she found herself beginning to grow a bit offended, once Marsha had begun to talk about love and relationships. And how someone in Giovanna's state, didn't really need to engage in any form of romantic or sexual interactions? With another person.

Due to the lack of her father not showing her enough love or care properly? When she was a young age.

" I've been in love before." Were the first few words that left from out of Giovanna's mouth. As she cut into the middle of Marsha's speech, not really caring or giving a fuck if she had come off rude or not? After doing so.

" I'm actually in love right now? If you want me to be honest. I'm just not on speaking terms with the person? Who owns the other half of my heart right now."

" Really?" Marsha questioned slowly, sounding a bit shocked and caught off guard by Giovanna's statement.

" Mm-hm." Giovanna nodded her head slowly, feeling a small smile begin to form at the corners of her lips. Once the thought of her distant and angelic lover? Had begun to enter inside of her mind slowly.

" And why aren't the two of you on speaking terms? If you don't mind me asking."

" Because I'm..." Trailing off at the end of her sentence, Giovanna had begun to still her breathing. Just as her dark brown eyes started to glisten, and blur her vision up with tears.

" Because you're what, Giovanna?" Marsha pressed her for an answer, knowing almost immediately? What the younger girls response would've been like, once she re-opened up her mouth to speak.

" ..I'm damaged goods, Miss Marsha.."

" Like I have a heart, of course? And I know how to love and treat someone properly, even though I myself? Never got to receive that same exact treatment, from the people I deserved it from. I still know how to love and treat someone good? Despite that. But I just..."

" You're just a product of your environment. And even though treating someone kindly and loving them correctly? Doesn't come difficult. Sometimes accepting back that same love and energy? Can be a bit difficult. When all you've ever known was toxicity and dysfunction."

" But see, the thing about me accepting it back? Wasn't the problem Miss Marsha. The problem was my self esteem and my communication. Because there were times when I said things out of anger or out of being afraid? That had drove Hassan away from me too."

" Hassan?" Marsha repeated the name of Giovanna's lover slowly. " Hassan is such a pretty name, and I'm sure that she must be a pretty girl too? With how emotional and vulnerable you're getting while talking about her."

And that? She was indeed.

But of course, pretty? Wouldn't even be a suitable word to describe her at all. Because you see, Hassan? Was angelic. Just like everything else about her personality and character? Was too.

" Experiencing her love and even the attention she gave to me, before we ever became a thing? Was a privilege I wish that I never took for granted." Giovanna answered quietly, picking with the bracelet on her arm, that was giving to her by Hassan herself.

" And I know before, when I had first gotten here? I told you about how growing up as a child, with both of my parents while my mom was still alive? Was the time period where my want to do lots of things? Had been very strong."

" But even when she died and my dad became more hostile towards me? I still craved to be something or let alone somebody? Who'd be great. I just didn't know how or where to start first? For me to be able to accomplish any of those things period? Until I met Hassan.."

"..And she came into my world, allowing everything that once looked black and white? Turn colorful and vibrant. So that I could be guided out of my selfish, stuck up ways, and be the person who she swore up above to God and the heavens? That I was created to be."

" And what kind of person was that?" Marsha found herself growing a bit emotional as time passed, as she sat with her arms folded tightly. Trying not to make a fool out of herself, for crying and weeping over her client's newfound vulnerability and bravery.

That she had gained out of the blue, due to talking about her past. Or in this case? Still present lover. Who she wholeheartedly still loved very deeply, to this day.

" The kind of person who always showed patience and kindness, despite being robbed of all their goodness and purity? Far too early than I should've been. That's the kind of person? She saw me as. Even through the good, the bad and the ugly? She always looked at me, with eyes that held so much love and adoration. That at often times? I'd get scared."

" While wondering how a person like me? Could win over the heart of someone like her, you know? But even then after everything that's happened and changed over the years? I'd never stop loving her ever."

" And why is that Giovanna?"

" Because finding someone who'd love you through any and everything, despite the fact that you might not even deserve it at all? Is very fucking rare these days."

" And I have Hassan's heart? In the same exact way she has mine. So why would I ever let go or move onto someone else? When I know for certain that we'll find our way back to one another. Just like we always have? During the past."

" And you're willing to wait however long it may take, until that day ends up coming?"

" Oh? Absolutely." Giovanna's head nodded up and down quickly. " If I had to wait another year or even ten more? I'd do it without question."

" Because Hassan is worth the wait. And if I ended up having to grow old and wrinkly, just for that day to come back to me? I wouldn't have a problem with it at all."

" ..I'd just accept her back into my life fully, with open arms. Because that's all I've been wanting again and looking forward to? For the last two years."

if you’d like to be tagged in the next part? just comment below. & also feel free to leave thoughts down there as well too!

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getherbanshee · 9 months

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Dennis Takes a Mental Health Day Analysis

Hello, macdennis hive mind. Now, I know that was not the episode we were hoping for; however, I’m here to tell you that there is still hope for macdennis through my analysis of “dennis takes a mental health day.”

This is also not a spoiler free analysis, so you have been warned.

“It Wasn’t Real”/“It Was All a Dream” Trope

Yes, this trope is overplayed. Yes, I am upset that appeared in always sunny episode. However, they did what always does and subverted the trope and flipped it on its head. (I will get more into this in a minute.) So I can’t stay mad at them for this. A light round of applause. Once it is revealed that this is fake scenario that Dennis has created in his mind (just like me fr), we are able to explore some of the deeper meanings, symbolism, and metaphors throughout the episode.

Dennis’s difficulty and inability to integrate with change

Throughout the series it has become prevalent that Dennis is reluctant to change and progress with the most specific example being with Mac. Their dynamic has teetered throughout the show with Mac’s progression as a character and in turn Dennis’s regression as a character. With the devices such as Dennis being forced to change in his environment with his age, his health, the keyless car, a new car, cashless payment with an app in place, and the new phone, these are all catalogs to represent unwillingness to change and evolve and could be considered metaphors for his relationship with Mac. While Mac is changing and evolving like society, Dennis is stuck in the past where things were easy, made sense to him, and were less stressful with him to cope with because it’s what he knows. Mac changing is difficult for him to process because it is a) change and b) a new way to see his and Mac’s relationship. They aren’t the two best friends joint at the hip. They are something more. They are changing and evolving, yet Dennis refuses to admit or accept this.

Diamond Metaphor

This one’s kinda simple and saying that Dennis sees himself as one who works well under pressure and can take a terrible situation and fix it to make it better. However, this is just the opposite. As the gang was trying to make diamonds in the bar, they were doing it in a dangerous and unsafe way, which could worsen their situation, possibly starting a fire that could burn down Paddy’s. This goes in tandem with how Dennis reacts in most situations. By trying to fix what is “wrong” in the situation, he is fixing what would be best for him; however, this could permanently ruin a situation, like starting a fire or rejecting Mac in a way that was easier for Dennis to cope with than it was to just let Mac and accept him.

The System

Dennis is the system. I don’t know what else this could be other than Dennis is the system. Because we are in Dennis’s head, Dennis is creating these situations for himself where he is upset or gets angry, and it is his fault. He created these guidelines for himself that if something is not going his way or change is coming he gets angry and rejects it. These aren’t anyone else’s rules but his. You can then apply this reasoning to how he behaves around Mac. No one is saying he can’t be vulnerable with Mac other than himself because Dennis doesn’t enable himself to. Dennis doesn’t allow himself to open up to people, even someone he has been best friends with since high school. If he did let Mac in, that would mean he would have to accept that he was wrong and would have to talk to himself (talk to the person who created the system). It’s self-sabotage, and Dennis is the CEO of self-sabotage.

Little Note

I love that even in Dennis’s fake scenario Mac is still obedient to him, unlike Mac now, who is more independent and evolved. Mac believes that the call from Dennis is a test and obeys that they should not answer to anger Mac. In Dennis’s mind, Dennis clings to the idea that Mac should please and obey him, when that is not Mac anymore.

Im probably gonna have more to add onto this, but these are my thoughts on the subject for now. Please feel free to add on, agree, disagree, comment. Go nuts because I certainly was after this episode.

#i Need a mental health Day after this episode #I have Glenn Howerton brainrot #pls help #it’s incurable #iasip #macdennis #it’s always sunny in philadelphia #dennis reynolds #glenn howerton #sunny 16

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radikylie · 9 months

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Journal entry 5 million years later

Wow. It’s been well over a year and a half since I posted anything super personal and probably close to two years since being active on here. It has been a rollercoaster. In November 2021, I accepted a job at a university in the state where my love lived. After my graduate assistantship ended in 2020, it took me a year and a half to find a full-time job because of Covid. I applied to nearly 100 jobs and only heard back from maybe 10% of those jobs. And then I had exactly 3 and a half weeks to move my entire life across the country and move into an apartment with my then long-distance girlfriend when I was offered a job at a mid-size university.

Sometimes my life still doesn’t feel real. I’ve been so happy to be with my Emily and our quirky little sweet cat, but navigating life as an adult in this clown world has been extremely hard. I still can’t believe I live in fucking North Dakota. Our first two winters here have been the most brutal I have ever experienced. Boy, I thought I had SAD when I lived on the east coast but it sure is worse here. We hate living in a red state, but at least we live in the biggest city that is the most progressive.

My job as an admission counselor has been rewarding, difficult, draining, fun, and now mixed with frustration and disappointment. Our education system is a complete dumpster fire. Our incoming students and current students are having mental health crises every fucking day. It tears me apart sometimes to think that I am promising students a future I can’t guarantee with how the world is right now and where it’s going. In a week of traveling, I can drive over a thousand miles and spend over 30 hours in a car. There are high expectations and pressure to bring in first-year students because they are the true cash cows and there’s been a national decrease in enrollment across all institutions. The people I work with have been genuinely great people and are the best parts of the job sometimes. But the pay is absolute shit, and that coupled with rising greedflation and my outrageous private student loan debt feels like it’s crushing me. I don’t know how much longer I can take.

I recently applied for another job within my office that pays 10k more, and I know deserve something insanely better, but it would have been a good transition point and actually allow me to save money to move, and to get an EdTech job that is remote. I was denied this new job, the other candidate had “years of direct marketing experience” where I didn’t, but I had almost 2 years of experience in my office. I’ve shown them consistently that I have strong project management skills and organization for handling all of the texting/calling campaigns we do for students which was another part of this new job. It was handling all of the communications for print/emails (project management) and the job description didn’t even place a strong emphasis on design or marketing. But that’s what they went for in the other candidate. A white man. He wore a fucking flannel to the interview. If he didn’t have an awesome portfolio to present and he doesn’t bring the “wow” factor to this job, I’m going to be even more pissed.

And you know what also makes me mad. Last year around this time, we were actively hiring for another admission counselor position, and I was on that search committee. We were down to two choices, someone with 14 years of experience, and another person who interviewed so strongly but only had previous tour guide experience in terms of higher ed experience. We asked our supervisor if we could choose the person with less experience and she said that she would support that. We offered the position to the person with less experience but they eventually declined because the salary was so low (which we did advertise the salary??). So for this position I wanted, why would they not elevate another person in their office who has worked so fucking hard and has gone above and beyond for this position, and knows this office and best practices. So why does years of direct of experience matter now?

I cried for like the whole day. People in my office were rooting for me to have this job. The woman who previously had this job, she came from my position before that and didn’t even have a master’s. I cried because I felt trapped in this job, mainly due to capitalism. I cried because I felt so betrayed and underestimated. My direct supervisor was the chair for the search committee, and I know she doesn’t want to lose me as a counselor. Our director told me that my supervisor “adores” me, and that I consistently come up in their conversations about how I do great work and I get shit done. My director said she was excited that I applied and hoped they chose me, so I went into my final interview feeling very confident because she had already met the other two candidates before me.

When my supervisor called me to tell me the news (she was a at a conference), she started out saying that she appreciated me so much and that the other candidate would let them go in another direction that they didn’t even know they could go. I couldn’t speak. My voice cracked and I said thank you for letting me know and we ended the conversation. She followed up with a message on Microsoft Teams saying she appreciated me again and would like to help me build my skills to get me a job in EdTech, which is what I ultimately want. And I wonder if this response is because I low-key indicated to my director (because she flat out asked me) if I would leave if I didn’t get this job and I said yes. I don’t think my supervisor realizes how immediate I want (more like need) to leave.

I went home early crying after spending the entire week, waiting for the call, with extreme brain pain (psychophysiological disorder) symptoms and upset stomach to where I couldn’t eat because I was so stressed. Essentially, my nervous system thinks I’m in “danger” when thinking about travel season so it sends me unpleasant physical symptoms, like nerve pain in my face and muscle aches and nausea to where it gets debilitating at times. And travel season is both Fall and Spring. This past spring, I had to drive on icy back roads to rural parts of ND where my phone service does not work at times and once my tire starting leaking because it had a screw in it. I had a lowkey panic attack because I didn’t know what to do and needed to go to small town (population of 207) to get it patched. I was raped on a back road in a car with a man I thought I could trust when I was 20 so being out in the middle of nowhere gives me so much fucking anxiety. I’m stressed at the thought of college fairs starting in less than 2 months.

Stressed because I can’t do this fucking job anymore. The thought of being in this job for another travel season, like 6 weeks or more on and off of traveling start mid-September through November. And what’s worse is that we get “reimbursed” for our meals that we are out on the road but because North Dakota is North Dakota, I only get reimbursed up to $35 dollars a day meanwhile my coworkers traveling within MN can get up to $70 per day. So, when I travel, I have to be as frugal as possible and still lose money because I only get $6.50 for breakfast (unless I’m at a hotel and they have breakfast), 10.50 for lunch, and 17.50 for dinner. It was fine when I first started out but because of greedflation, it’s so much harder.

My student loan payments are like $700 dollars a month, and even though I have three fucking degrees, I’m stuck at an entry level pay despite having an MS degree. The pay across campus is abysmal. The pay for people with advance degrees is absolute shit. They advertised a mental health counselor position here which required a master’s or above and a license in counseling or social work for 43k. Like WHAT. That is what was offered to me when I started. I can’t save money long-term to get out of this fucking state, and we can’t even pay to go on a mini-vacation for a weekend trip. I had to tell my best friend from high school that I couldn’t go to her very fancy wedding on Cape Cod because there’s no way I can even save for myself. And I don’t think she will ever understand what its like to financially struggle and it feels like she lowkey resents me for it, and it makes me feel alone knowing she could never understand since both her and her husband come from a family with money. I worry she thinks I am just dumb as hell and not responsible with money but I can’t save for fucking anything.

And my god, it could be so much worse. I know this, and am grateful for what we do have but it feels like we have very little to look forward to, and we pretty much can only spend what we need and not for things we want long-term. My family was exactly middle-class and moved into upper-middle class by the time I was in late high school, so it’s brought me more perspective. We are what they call “new poor” - we are one unexpected medical bill/car repair bill away from financial insecurity. I never had to worry about things like this before, I grew up blessed, and I know this. I try to give what I can when I can to my community and family and friends in need.

I tried to pick up a second job at really, really cool brewery but the shifts are so long (6-8 hours) and I sprained my knee on the job which led to my entire back seizing up two days before my birthday a few months ago. The worst birthday I’ve ever experienced. When my back spasmed, I couldn’t walk for three days. I cried the entire time almost. The first day it happened I screamed in pain with every little movement, like so much so Emily worried the cops would be called. Emily had to do everything for me – help me shower, eat, go the bathroom and she cared for me so well. I am so blessed and lucky to have her. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I had to go back to physical therapy and that was expensive also because health insurance is a fucking scam. It took me about a month to get to 60% okay.

I couldn’t work at the brewery for months and the money from there was so good because it’s an insanely huge operation so now I’m back in the same position now, and don’t know if I can physically keep up with the work. They work their employees so hard, not in a bad way necessarily, it’s just the nature of it because it’s in the top 10 breweries on untapped or whatever. I don’t think I can physically handle more than one or two shifts a month, but I’m afraid to work a whole shift again.

My health is not great. My desk job already has me gaining weight paired with PCOS that feels like it’s out of control, and my body hurts from sitting all day. My face is constantly breaking out from hormonal acne, I’m sure it’s been from all the stress I’ve been under too, but also because everything in this fucking world is harmful to us in one way or another. I’m not at the highest weight I’ve ever been but close to 20 pounds extra since I moved here. Its just so hard to find time and energy to workout because I have so little of both. Especially when I’m traveling, and it’s harder because the cheapest food when I’m out on the road is fast food so there’s not a lot of options to be healthy, especially in fucking ND. I think the only healthy/salad bowl kind of place is in the city we are in and the capital of ND and that’s it lol and its also more expensive. Driving for hours and hours is so exhausting. So. my mental health and self-image have been suffering from all of that too.

But it feels like we are stuck in this city that is filled with terrible drivers and roads, and these brutal winters. The winters wouldn’t be so bad if the city actually maintained the roads better but every other week it feels like we are risking our lives to go to fucking work. I’ve had to drive through blizzards when I’ve never had any winter driving experience before. I’ve had an entire panic attack/mental breakdown on the interstate here that was completely iced over for 75 miles and I needed to get to the other side of the state for a fucking career fair for work. There were cars in ditches, and another fucking blizzard on the way after receiving well over a foot of snow in some parts of ND. If we weren’t visiting Em’s parents in the same town, and if she didn’t take over and drive on the icy parts for me, we would have never made it. I would have been paralyzed in fear at a truck stop without her, and she really showed up for me that day.

Spring and Fall both lasted maybe 3 weeks before it was either hot or cold season which seems to be all that ND has. Spring used to be my favorite season, but here the flowers don’t bloom until late May and its just mud and rain. Its depressing as hell. At least the summers have been mild in comparison to the disgustingly humid summers MD/VA have. When we do get a few really humid/hot days everyone complains so much and its funny to me because that’s basically any day in the summer on the east coast. It wouldn’t be so bad if our apartment ac unit actually fucking cooled our apartment below 72 degrees on a consistent basis. When its extremely hot and humid here, our apartment has gone up to 79 degrees if we do any sort of cooking or baking. It takes days to cool down, even with extra fans.

The city we live in does have a cool community and lots awesome local businesses. That’s been a saving grace. They do a lot of farmer’s markets, vintage markets, community/mutual aid events. If the world ever completely collapsed (which I feel is inevitable), I would feel pretty safe here and secure knowing the community is full of genuine and resourceful people. It’s a very safe and cheap city to live in because nobody wants to live in these winters. But we have no real friends here. We have our work friends who are just that, and it’s incredibly disappointing. We are both introverts but crave deeper connections with others, even if its only a few. One of the hardest lessons I have ever had to learn, and still learning, are that friends are like the seasons – they come and go.

I miss my family. I miss those summer days where I would wake up late, and my brother’s family would come over to swim. The dogs would be playing, and my niece and nephew being silly. My dad would grill and my mom would make a bunch of sides and we’d eat outside on the deck together. No plans except to go play a silly little video game by myself or with some people later that night after going for a walk or a run in my neighborhood in the woods. I miss sitting out in my driveway under the stars and trees with a good playlist, smoking a bowl, and reading about aliens. I miss my niece and nephew coming over every Tuesday and the house being so crazy with them but never a dull moment. I didn’t think I would miss that so much. My brothers can be assholes (my older brother more so), but it was nice when we were all getting along.

My relationship with my parents has gotten better as I’ve gotten older but they still can’t give me the emotional support that I need. Emily’s mom has been more emotionally supportive. My parents never ask me how I’m doing, just what I’m doing. I wish they would come visit me but I don’t think they ever will. They wouldn’t even fly me or Emily out for Christmas even though they have more than enough money to do so. They’ve been going on 10-day vacations in Jamaica at fucking Sandals, and doing weekend trips all over the east coast. But seeing me is not enough of a reason to fly here.

They keep telling me how much they miss me and want me to move back but then don’t do anything to help me do that. They said they would help us move if I got a job on the east coast but don’t care that I’m drowning in student debt. They disappoint me still and it feels like I have to grieve my relationship with them of what I need versus what they give me. It’s been that way my entire life. I know that they will never apologize for the things that they did while growing up. It’s a sad thing to come to terms with.

Another thing I have had to come to terms with is my purpose in this world, I guess. When I was 18, I didn’t know what I wanted to do, but I knew I wanted to help people in some capacity. When I was 21, I had this grandiose idea and plans for how I could do that and save the world. When I was 24, I wanted to be a recreational therapist and create a holistic community center. When I was 25, I had started a master’s degree in Higher Education because I wanted to be a graduate assistant to a unique women’s college program within my university, which I worked hard to desperately create a safe space for young women, but the university didn’t give an actual shit about it. I didn’t think I would end up in higher education but here I am.

This is not where I expected myself to be at all, but I really did enjoy working with my students. So, I stayed in it. I finished my degree. And now I feel “stuck” in an education system that is very much a fucking dumpster fire. I’m feeling burnt out, I guess. It’s wrecking my mental and physical health. My nervous system is on high alert all the time, I think. I feel like I can never get enough time to actually rest and recover.

I’ve also had to re-evaluate my “purpose”. I’m an extremely spiritual person and have very much moved away from New Age completely but very interested in paganism or Mother Earth spirituality. I used to think that I had to have this grandiose purpose to change the world, but I recognize that the most important change comes from the self and extending that out to your community. Small acts of kindness can go a long way and encourage others to do the same, creating a chain reaction. But where exactly does that leave me?

Part of me wants to go to another university because of the “prestige” around it, but every institution has its own problems and is still within America’s education system that is a fucking shit show. I’m so concerned about how others see me sometimes, especially in professional sense. I felt like I was a late bloomer in all things because it took me 6 years to get my bachelor’s, but I also had a complete thyroidectomy after struggling with severe symptoms from it, and then being raped 3 months after the surgery. I was academically suspended for a year after my surgery and SA because my GPA was so low. There are so many people from that period of time who wrote me off as a dumb stoner and had no idea I was abusing weed because of trauma. Even my ex-girlfriend and her friends just thought I was a dumb stoner.

So, I guess I feel the need to “prove” that I am more than what they assumed me to be. I thought that I needed to be so career-driven to change the world and I am starting to understand that having that mindset is not a healthy way to live and will lead to self-destruction and burnout. I never thought I would hate my current job as much as I do. And I’m realizing that I don’t necessarily hate the work, but rather the expectations and circumstances surrounding it. I could stick out this job longer if I was paid more but it feels like I am running out of time to find something different before travel season starts again.

I’ve essentially quiet quit at this point. I feel like I have to detach myself from everyone because it hurts that I’m going to have to leave some of the people in my office, and I would go to bat for them at any time. I’ll be doing just above the bare minimum, and will not be volunteering as often to do extra things any more. A coworker of mine just got placed into her dream job and I’m so excited for her, but her leaving also gives us more work to cover. Another reason why I need to leave. And if I can leave before travel season, I feel a little guilty leaving during an important peak time, but they put me in this position.

I can’t do it. I won’t if I don’t have to. And if September comes, and I am still searching for a job, I will do the college fairs with the goal of leaving before October. They could have given me the other position and I would have grown into it, and worked extremely hard to exceed their expectations and they could have arranged to have a new admission counselor in my position by the time college fair season started. But they made their choice. I need to make mine now.

But now I feel like I have to redefine what work means to me. Fuck the system. I can make my own path. I can change the world without a grandiose career. Its okay to just show up to work and then live your life. And so, I hope that my next job is in EdTech (and remote) that can give me financial freedom and security because that’s what it really all comes down to. I want a “lazy girl” job. A job that I feel good about and is not as emotionally/physically demanding so that I have the money to help others and do what I want. I just want to live a comfortable life, and one where I am not always worrying about money.

So, in order to get that, I think I need to release all of this. It’s been holding me back. I deserve a job that pays me well, and lets me live the life I want. A job that lets me help my friends and families, and give back to my community. I don’t have to bear the burden of being in a career that is glorified for how much you give and destroy yourself for it. I can’t imagine what k-12 teachers feel every day.

I think the next piece is letting go. Doing a trust fall for Mother Goddess to catch me and deliver me to my next opportunity. Trusting that the perfect job is on its way to me, and I won’t miss out on something that is for me. I deserve a job that gives me a better work-life balance. That I don’t feel like I am killing myself to survive. I have the money to live how I want, and all of the time and energy I have for other things is abundant.

I get so caught up worrying about making the right or wrong choice, or missing out on a job posting. I get caught up thinking that I’m not quite enough – I don’t have quite enough experience or direct experience or the right degrees. I get caught up with thinking about the cost of living in other states and what I can’t do or where we can’t move to. What if I’m meant to focus on the good, and all of the possibilities and different lives of Kylie. The possible exciting adventures in store for me.

Its reminiscent to how I felt when I couldn’t find a job after my graduate assistantship. I was stressing over every little thing. And then I finally just surrendered. That’s what it felt like after my huge disappointment with Bryn Mawr College and they decided not to hire me but not long after that I was offered my current job. And how I felt after running into my ex at a grocery store and having a panic attack and obsessing over how I’m going to meet my love and what I do or don’t do that could lead me to missing that connection. I eventually had to acknowledge and say that I surrender to the wonderful mystery that is the Universe. About two weeks of recognizing my need to let go of control, I met my Emily.

The catalyst this time is not getting this position within my office. It was a devastating disappointment. I’m still trying to reconcile that. But it has also opened me up to the fact that I do deserve something insanely better - better pay, better benefits, better work-life balance. I know my worth. And while I feel betrayed that I wasn’t picked for this position, I don’t need to punish myself or the people in my office for it. I do still feel a hint of resentment towards my supervisor, but she’ll understand the choice she made when I get offered my next job.

At first, I wanted to sulk. I wanted to quiet quit as loudly as possible. But now I see that I need to cherish my time with everyone. I want them to miss having me. I want to leave the office on good terms. But I want people to know that they lost my loyalty as well. I want people to think that they wish I was still there because of all the light and humor I brought. So. I will not be jumping at every opportunity to volunteer extra time and energy towards things. I will not be half-assing this job completely, but I will not be going above and beyond as often anymore either.

I am still incredibly sad and frustrated at this disappointment, but I see it was necessary and its time for me to move on, as scary as it seems. I will miss these people so much. So now I need to let go. Trust fall. Mother Goddess, A-team, I trust that the perfect job will find its way to me and will bring about the most exciting and best chapters of my life. Thank you for this.

#personal #holy shit this is by far the longest journal entry i have ever written on here #i have not been active in well over a year and a half p much #dont know if i will be again but i needed to post this for my own sanity #so hey if you remember me hi hope ur doing well #are people still really active on this idk i left bc the radfem community drama and life #anyway i wrote this at work otherwise i was going to lose my damn mind and according to word it is 4474 words and 6 pages so

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hummingbird-games · 2 years

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Dev Blog # 24

Hey party people, I think I’m ready to update y’all on what’s going on. Health tings, physical/mental/emotional lol, have made it difficult to stick to my personal schedule and I admit I’ve been getting super frustrated. Which as made me more tired and less able to concentrate. It’s a cycle and I need to break it.

Sleep helps a bit! Keeping a bedtime also helps. Work stresses do not help.

HSDJY UPDATES/HOUSEKEEPING

Key art/game cover is still in progress, whoooo! It’s hilarious how busy me and my artist have both been so it’s like a game of message-tag 🤣 being an adult is something else.

Beta testing is underway (and WOW am I learning a lot about how to better streamline the process for maximum benefits and the least amount of stress ☠️ *cues Live and Learn by Crush 40*). I knew going in that people were going to drop out, but I didn’t realize the sheer amount of people who could one day be game and the next be M.I.A. It’s terrifying. That being said, to the chosen few who have been active in helping me (special thanks to Wudge!! @herotome) I’m simultaneously mad at you for making me do (simple) coding above my pay grade and eternally grateful that I have your assistance. This stage is a necessary step and I’m glad I’m taking it even if it’s painful AF and my brain is trying to tap out early.

...Future Gem, if you’re reading this, hire a damn programmer/coder. Put whatever money aside you need because if we have to do this again, you might not be making games no mo’...

Epilogues are being written and I’m being reminded that the writing is the most fun part for me, but not liking that I’ll have to edit...edit again...edit one more time???...code... and test the shits if I want y’all to play it after the events of the main game 🙃. At the time of this post, I have not touched the draft document in almost two weeks, half due to aforementioned busyness, and the other half is because Lydia’s section is giving me the most issues?? But I can’t jump to April (the only other unfinished part) until Lydia’s is done??? The issue is Lyd needs a new outline because personality and plot reasons, the current one I’ve been using as a template isn’t right.

In case you’re wondering, everyone is color coded in my document!. Ryan is blue, friendship is pinkish, Lydia’s green, Florence is red, April is orange, and Langston is purple!

YURI JAM ADVENTURES

My knee-jerk reaction is to put this under a read more, but we’re gonna ignore that. Deadlines where I don’t feel prepared make me anxious. The way I work, I need a completed script so I can start deciding what important things like 1) team solo?? or 2) recruit help?? and if so 3) can we slap together a budget (because ya girl has nothing to offer skill wise).

I want to share something tangible with y’all SO bad but all I have are like eight or nine outlines and their unfinished prologues. Fantasy, contemporary, HSDJY related, and so on. I haven’t settled on the idea that I want to see to completion and for once I don’t think it’s the perfectionist in me. Its the tired adult

Anywho, I’m super stubborn when I want to be and a game jam is still on my 2022 goals list so I’m not giving up just yet. Will keep y’all posted. When there’s something to be posted on LOL

- Gemini 💛

P.S. to those who celebrate, Happy Father’s Day!! and to those who this time of year is super rough, I hope you have some comfort and peace today.

P.P.S. HAPPY JUNETEENTH!!! I personally will be celebrating by staying my butt at home and smiling at all the Black authored YA books I own at my big age 😊

#gamedev #High School Daze: Junior Year #updates and rambles #visual novel #game development

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blurredcolour · 2 months

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This is way unrelated but I need advice. Sorry this is so long but I chose you because you’re older than me and your blog makes me feel whimsically safe :)

So the stitch is that I recently started a new job after leaving my old job due to rumor harassment that made my anxiety so bad that I almost lost my life. However I have been going to therapy to recover from that and move forward. Which is easier said than done since my new job isn’t any better.

2 of my managers give me the worst time and I’ve only been working there for 4 days. They wanted me to be on the job at 5 am and on my way there, I was almost kidnapped. After that I decided to tell them that coming in that early wasn’t possible anymore because it put my safety at risk. They then vaguely threatened me, saying that if I couldn’t come in that early then they might have to terminate me.

Whenever I’m there they give me nasty looks, speak rudely to me, constantly pick on my clothes even though I’m not out of dress code, they get angry at me for me requiring training for some of the tasks they want me to do and then they’re condescending to me about it.

One lady “trained” me for 5 hours and got mad when I wasn’t an expert the next day and when forgot stuff.

I just turned 20 this February. Out of all the women there, im the youngest and they’re so terrible to me for everything I do, and im trying my hardest because I need the money.

What should I do?

I’m honoured that you feel comfortable coming to me with this, and I’m going to do my best to give my advice but I’ll preface it with the fact that most of my working experience has taken place in Canada so laws/rights might be different where you are?

I’m so sorry that things have been so tough for you and I applaud you for taking steps to put yourself first. No amount of money is worth your mental health and I say that as someone who was hurtling towards burnout and then crash landed into a pandemic (which ironically gave me space to heal) so I mean it. It’s not just words to me, I’ve been there, crying the entire 45 minute bus ride into work.

When you were first hired, was the 5 am start time a stated expectation? If it was, you might not have much wiggle room on that. If it is something that was requested after you accepted the position I would definitely try and reopen the discussion framing it around your safety concerns.

You mentioned 2 of the managers being a problem - are there others in a management position whom could perhaps be considered an ally that you might be able to discuss your concerns with?

I know HR always claims they’re there as your advocate but this is kind of a nuclear option so I would not try this unless something egregious happens and you are really determined to stay.

In terms of training, it seems like there are wildly different expectations of retention and progress (and frankly I would consider theirs outrageous - I gave my employees three days and then they got buddies on the floor). I would maybe ask for some clarification about how much they intend to instruct and what they expect you to be able to manage alone and how quickly. This discussion might give you a chance to highlight any teaching style you might benefit from as well.

As for the clothing - if you’re within work code I see it being absolutely no business of theirs to comment on your appearance?! That’s wild to me…I would maybe clarify the next time a comment like that happens and ask “I’m sorry does my outfit not meet the dress code?” Or something like that.

But, honestly if you are getting this vibe after only 4 days I would be seriously concerned that you have found another toxic workplace.

I know up here we have the ability to leave a new position within 30 days with very little notice because it just isn’t the right fit. And it would not be considered bad form or losing a reference. It’s just not the place for you.

This would of course depend on your safety net. You mentioned money as a concern and I would not want you to find yourself without food or shelter as leaving this job would not qualify you for employment assistance.

Please feel free to ask more questions, this got pretty long and rambling. Alternatively, my inbox is always open if you would like. My heart goes out to you but don’t be discouraged - I’m almost at the end of my 30s and only now found a workplace where I’m thinking I could stay here until I can physically no longer work.

#bee puts on her mom pants #answered asks #tw suicidal ideation #tw mental health

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galadriel-blue · 4 months

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Starting Again...

Hello everyone!

It’s been awhile, I know. 2023 was full of ups and downs and my mental heath really plummeted last year. I made this Tumblr account because I felt it was what I really wanted to do, when in reality, it wasn’t what I needed to do. So I took a step back, without any warning, and I realized that I needed to focus on myself for a while and get out of the weird depressive funk I was in. I took a step away from all social media, and online interactions, and I feel so much better. My mental health is improving, though not perfect, so I chose to come back and start again. There are going to be some changes and boundaries I make with my return.

I’m going to check in every day, whether that be to post, reblog, or chat. I want to make a point to really engage with the community and discuss things I love. That sense of connection is what I love about Tumblr and I really want to get back into it.

I am not going to force myself to reply to messages right away. This doesn’t mean I’m going to ghost my friends, it just means that I will reply when I’m ready. I had a few past online friendships that caused me a lot of anxiety because they would literally get mad at me for either not replying the minute they messaged me, or for not telling them I would be offline for a bit. All of my friends here on Tumblr have been great and understanding, and nobody has forced me to do anything, but those past online relationships triggered me so bad, that I would feel so much anxiety over not responding quick enough that I would just shut down. So this time, I’m going to reply reasonably, and at my own pace.

I’m not going to let my anxiety control me. Cringe culture is dead. I am cringe but I am free to share my thoughts about my favorite fandoms, and if people make fun of me for it…? Well, the block button exists for a reason.

With all of that said, I’m going to take it slow at first, but I am extremely happy to be back and proud of the progress I’ve made. Sometimes a step away is a good thing. Sometimes a hiatus helps heal you, even if it’s only a little bit. So here’s to 2024! A New Year for a New Me!

(Also, I’m posting this and then going to sleep, so I will reply to all of my friends tomorrow when I wake up! I’m so excited to talk to everyone again!)

#returning #making a return #I am never taking a hiatus that long ever again #And if I do #I will not do it without making a post about it first #Anyways #I am glad to be back!#Now I am going to bed #Goodnight everyone

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alyjojo · 7 months

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The Person On Your Mind in October 🤵🏼‍♂️ 2023 - Taurus

Whole of their energy towards Taurus: 6 Pentacles

You’re being very kind to this person during a rough time, probably because you love them. I’m not picking up on a romantic thing, but messages indicate that, take it how it fits. You could be literally giving this person money, because how they feel is relating to debt, difficult times, a lack in some way, and you’re being generous to help them patch that up.

Feelings: 2 Wands

They anticipate heavy burdens, it looks like they’re looking for your support. They have deep emotions for you, love is on their side. 6 Pentacles is “I scratch your back, you scratch mine, we’re in this together”. I don’t get that you’re getting anything from this person though, and they show up as emotionally immature, with the mature King. It’s like a facade, they act like a wise all-knowing person, nurturing, loving, caring, but in reality they know they’re full of it. But…do you? Hopefully not, because you give them what they need, in whatever way. “Feeding” them. Yeesh 👀

I have to admit, I laid out cards before this reading and got similar energies that were WAY more contradictive. My brain was like 😵‍💫 and that never happens, I couldn’t even get a clear story out of that mess or even an energy from the person (more like 10 at once), and had to ask Spirit to rephrase plz, before I pulled this reading. This person makes my head hurt, they only make sense to themselves, but will die on that hill, and are pretty unreliable where you’re concerned. Could be very selfish. You must love them. If they make you crazy or feel like your head is spinning, that’s normal. For them. You probably already know that.

Intentions: The Sun

They intend to bring to light to the fact of, maybe you haven’t come around, or not as much, you’re not messaging or trying as hard. They intuitively feel that you’re mad at them, keeping secrets, giving them the silent treatment. There has been no progress from the last time they talked to you, and I don’t think that reflects on you. They haven’t, and feel like it’s your job to take their hand and pull them along with you or something.

I had to ask separately, is this a mental health thing? No. They’re just immature and have no filter. They’re loud, demanding, and “tell it like it is”, with the expectation of you doing what they want, and you’re being quiet, moving silently. It intimidates, unnerves, and confuses them. It’s like they’d rather you just yell at them, that’s an energy they can identify with.

Actions: Judgement rev & The Devil rev

They refuse to learn a lesson. Or they don’t have the mental capacity to do so. Or they just don’t care/try. Queen of Pentacles would be you, you’ve told them what the problem is, and have overcome this on your own. And they’re still like “wut”. But…give me what I need! FEED ME! 🪴👹

You’re protected from whatever bs this person is on. You’re nice to them, maybe even giving them something, money, support of some kind, a shoulder to lean on in rough times. But you’re not allowing the same shit twice, you’ve learned the lesson, Page of Swords - you paid attention, watched them closely, and drew your sword like “tf, you thought” if they even try coming at you however they had been, this defensive yet needy sort of energy, masked by “I care so much aw”, after whatever other bs they do or don’t, that’s bologna. They can’t release toxic patterns because they are unconscious to them.

I had to ask - where is the future headed for these two people? 3 Swords rev. You’re getting over this mindfk of a connection, and moving away from it, good for you. I can see you tried. Messages are very loving, hopefully this isn’t a partner, that makes this even harder to deal with 💯

Messages:

Their side:

- Forever Love ❤️

- Emotionally Immature

Your side:

- I don’t want anyone else.

- Darker skin tone

Possible signs:

Heavy Leo, Scorpio, Taurus, Aries & Capricorn

If you’re dealing with:

The Chariot shows you being driven, ambitious, highly motivated and heading down the path of your choosing, not allowing anyone or anything to get in your way, pure willpower. Some of you could be planning to travel, and some of these people may live at a distance, or you’re putting actual distance between yourself and them, especially this person.

Aries - there’s mutual love between you, but also a lot of drama and heartache that you’ve moved away from, or you’ve/they’ve literally moved

Taurus - finds you extremely attractive, coming back out of a solitary period, they feel drawn to you & it’s a very deep connection with The Lovers

Gemini - fears the worst of everything regarding you, or switch it, something is hidden, toxic, obsessive & clarity is needed…or you’re just cutting this off because of all of that

Cancer - hopes you experience a Tower, they’re jealous of something/someone you have, they wanted the same thing…petty/gross 🙄

Leo - feels abandoned by family (you?) or could be going through rough times at work, or financial problems due to family (you?)

Virgo - waiting on you to decide on something, because they have no idea what to do

Libra - nostalgic about you but not saying or doing anything, because they’ve put you through hell already, or switch it

Scorpio - happy about canceled plans

Sagittarius - confessing something or being completely open and honest because they want another chance or cycle with you

Capricorn - deciding whether or not to apologize, or whether to accept yours, could just be waiting for tempers to die down…which means they’re up rn.

Aquarius - things are changing with their work, or with you, could be a destined/karmic connection or things are out of your control with them, it’s changing

Pisces - cares deeply, willing to put in the work, but one of you is super passive and the other is super aggressive, or you’re both just passive/aggressive, but it’s like oil & water with you two 😑

#Taurus #Taurus tarot reading #person on your mind #october 2023 #tarot #tarotblr

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crybabyddl · 1 year

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I’m a million years late, but I finally watched Ginny and Georgia. Here are my thoughts.

(I am about halfway into season 2, but I binge-watched season 1 in like, 3 days, so I’m taking a bit of a break before finishing season 2.)

WARNING: GINNY AND GEORGIA SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

I’m gonna do a little “review” of each character.

Ginny: Can I just say that Ginny is probably one of the most selfish characters I’ve ever witnessed. Like yeah, she’s dealing with a lot of shit, but holy crap she is just so rude to Georgia. Georgia is literally 31. THIRTY ONE. She should be in the CLUB. But she has to raise her ungrateful bitch ass daughter who would rather sabotage her and put everything Georgia’s worked for in jeopardy than realize that her mother was literally just doing what she had to do to SURVIVE and make sure that her daughter never had to go through what she did as a teenager. Anyway… Girl needs to lock her window, for starters. Don’t get me wrong, Ginny is a very interesting character that I am invested in, but she’s definitely hard to like about half the time. Not everything that people in her life do is a direct jab at her, but Ginny will always take it as such. Sometimes people just have their own shit going on. The only person she seems to understand this concept with is Abby. Also, can someone tell this girl to leave that damn toothbrush ALONE? She fucked those bristles up. And down. And all around. That toothbrush was destROYED. Also, I don’t think Ginny’s ever taken a proper hit in her life lmao.

Georgia: Georgia is such a girlboss and I will defend her with everything I have. She’s the best character on that show and I love her. I will say she should totally expose Gabriel to Nick. One thing I will say, I’m disappointed that she’s refusing to acknowledge Austin’s learning disability. Yes, he’s a kid and he might grow out of it, but he stabbed someone with a pencil. That’s extremely violent for a 1st(?) grader. I understand where she’s coming from though, especially with her background as someone with neglectful, abusive parents that lived in the south. She didn’t grow up in a progressive household and spent her entire life turning her shortcomings into silver linings. She’s not going to willingly accept that Austin has difficulties that could prevent him from achieving everything he’s capable of. The same goes for Ginny’s mental health, but to be fair, she was left in the dark about that because Zion wanted to be in his daughter’s good graces. Anyway, I love Georgia. She’s gorgeous and is the best party planner. She’s a cool, hot mom and gives Ginny a taste of her medicine. I am a Georgia Miller apologist til the day I die.

Austin: He’s not the most interesting character, but I appreciate that he’s not just like all the other younger brothers in a coming-of-age series targeted towards female audiences. I like that he isn’t just rowdy or a troublemaker. They seemingly made him neurodivergent which I appreciate because it’s not just adults who suffer. Like even just the fact that he doesn’t eat like a growing kid should and usually just opts for sugar is such a minor but telling detail. Maybe I’m projecting. Probably. Regardless, I hope he has a bigger role in season 3. I also love seeing him and Paul interact. I do want to learn more about Gil though.

Zion: First thing’s first… holy smokes. The casting agents deserve a raise. He’s not only gorgeous, he’s sensitive, a great photographer, and a great dad. Obviously the whole thing between him and Georgia is awkward as hell. I wish that he wouldn’t make promises he can’t keep. But I like him and I’m glad he has a bigger role in the second season. I hope he has a bit of character development in the sense that he realizes that he’s clearly not doing as much as Georgia is and will learn to work WITH Georgia to parent Ginny instead of just doing what he can to win Ginny’s favor when she’s mad at Georgia. He should’ve told her about Ginny’s self harm.

Paul: He is so slay. I’m sorry, I had to start my review of him like that because to do otherwise would be disingenuous. I think his character is a bit less developed than what is needed, considering how much he’s in the show, but it’s also something I can let slide because of how freaking intense Ginny and Georgia’s storylines are. He’s on the himbo spectrum, just not enough to outright label him a himbo. He’s nice, not toxic, cares about Wellsbury, cares about his coworkers, and cares about Georgia’s kids, while also knowing his role as Georgia’s fiancé in regards to the kids. He did such a nice job at babysitting Austin and rolling with the punches, considering Georgia seemingly gave no instructions. (She’s a busy woman, I’m not gonna blame her!) Also, this man steps the fuck up when he needs to and steps the fuck back when he needs to. Bless him. I just cringe every time I think he’s about to learn something about Georgia’s past. Also, his parents can suck it. His brother is cool. I like him. ALSO THE FUCKING PART WHERE GINNY OPENS THE DOOR TO PAUL HOLDING GEORGIA’S VIBRATOR?💀💀 Ginny deserved that karma tbh.

Joe: POOR JOE. I was honestly rooting for him and Georgia to get together. He’s literally the reason Georgia’s in Wellsbury in the first place! Also when he realizes that Georgia is the girl he gave his sunglasses to? SO FRICKIN CUTE I WAS LIKE YES YES GO JOE! But no. As much as I like Paul, I wish we got a hookup between Joe and Georgia or SOMETHING. Because it was clear that Georgia was on a mission to move to Wellsbury and end up with Joe. ALSO THE FACT HE NAMED HIS HORSE MILKSHAKE??? I WAS SHRIEKING AT THE TV IN EXCITEMENT!!🥹 JOE DESERVES BETTER. I swear, they better not have him and Cynthia become a couple just because her husband is dying and they both like hockey. JOE IS AN ELIGIBLE YOUNG BACHELOR AND SHOULD BE WITH SOMEONE LESS DEVIOUS. The only devious person I’d accept him being with is Georgia, and that seems to be off the table. Although, I’m not entirely sure if Paul and Georgia will last.

Marcus: Oh brother. I have such mixed feelings on this character. Of course, the actor who plays him is attractive, which doesn’t hurt at all. However, I’m getting sick of the angsty, broody “bad boy” that we’re all supposed to ship with the main character. It was cute at times, but it’s getting a bit old. I get that he has trauma because his friend died, but the way in which that was written makes it feel more like the writers are using it as a way to justify his lack of empathy rather than it actually having taken a toll on him. He’s definitely not the best at taking social cues, which only further backs my headcanon that him and Max have ADHD. I do appreciate that he’s the comic relief in tense moments between Ginny and everyone, and I’m glad that the show pointed out how BIZARRE it is that he’s climbing through Ginny’s window.

Max: Ok as a former theatre kid and woman lover, I have been a Max apologist for most of my time watching this show. I’m ADHD-coding her and you can’t stop me. She’s got a flair for the dramatic, and is super pretty and talented. She was clearly written by an older person who’s trying to write someone from gen-z, and is kinda failing, but not enough to write her off as poorly written. She’s just one of those characters that isn’t necessarily someone you’d root for, but you’re not rooting against her. It’s more of a “Come on, Max. Get your shit together and change for the better!” But I love her energy and think she’s an interesting character to pay attention to. I get a lot of second-hand embarrassment whenever she has a crush on someone or overshares about her life, but that’s exactly how sophomores in high school are. She’s like the “head” of the MANG clique, and she is so cliquey, that it reminds me of being in middle school as opposed to sophomore year, especially with the Halloween group costume thing and how much she cares about social status. But seriously, everything with Sophie was such second-hand embarrassment to watch. She’s a bit obsessive when it comes to her crushes, which I can relate to, but I hope she becomes a bit less self-absorbed.

Abby: She reminds me of some girls I went to high school with. The actor who plays her is gorgeous. (Literally everyone in this show is attractive, it’s unfair and unrealistic lol) While I don’t like how her anger and negative emotions manifest, I am an Abby apologist. She is clearly hurting and hurt people hurt people. Literally nobody has been there for her despite everyone knowing her parents are getting divorced. When she freaked out over the dare because she didn’t want people to see the tape on her legs, it was clearly a sign that there was more that was bothering her. Obviously, you can’t expect others to pick up on that or get upset at people when they don’t, but Abby has ALWAYS been there whenever somebody else is freaking out, even when it’s just Max acting like the world is ending because a straight girl isn’t attracted to her, or Ginny is mad at Georgia for doing something a mother would do. Despite her misdirected anger and harsh words, Abby is a great friend and knows what is worth her energy and what isn’t when it comes to being there for her friends.

Norah: Honestly, she’s not that interesting of a character. Despite being in MANG, we don’t know that much about her other than she’s adopted and that her boyfriend is Jason, the guy with the long hair that plays bass in Hunter’s band. The actress who plays her is very pretty. I don’t like how much of a bystander she is though. Like girl, get your own personality, get your own thoughts and opinions! Anyway, not much else to say.

Hunter: Poor Hunter. He deserves better. He was a good boyfriend to Ginny. Cringe? Definitely, but name a sophomore in high school that ISN’T. I watched a Ginny and Georgia cringe compilation long before watching the show, and this guy was in almost every clip. However, watching those same clips within the context of the show actually made them significantly less cringey. I’m glad that the show highlighted how many stereotypes and expectations are attached to asian people, and how damaging they can be. I have a soft spot for this character because he reminds me of someone I went to high school with. Also, can we just acknowledge how talented Hunter is? Like he sings, plays guitar, tap dances, writes, and dresses better than any high school sophomore I’ve ever come across? Also, bonus point for not being a toxic piece of shit. I’m also gonna argue on his behalf and say that he is not at fault for his and Ginny’s breakup. Ginny should not have said that she should’ve won the essay contest IN FRONT OF HIM. Like yes, her piece was good, but it literally was not an essay, and in school, following the rules is what counts. (I’m calling it the Ms. Darbus philosophy. In High School Musical, Ms. Darbus is adamant that Troy and Gabriella did not make it to auditions on time, and therefore cannot be in the spring musicale. Obviously, she later throws that out the window, but we’re ignoring that for the sake of this being my point of reference. Maybe I should’ve just called it the Stick to the Status Quo effect, since that’s about conformity, and that’s literally what the government expects the education system to subconsciously promote.) omg ANYWAY… my point is that Hunter’s essay probably wasn’t as good as Ginny’s poem in terms of sentiment and substance, but it was better than her poem because it was an actual attempt at the assignment. Defying a teacher doesn’t earn you respect from the teacher in situations like this. Maybe if we were in High School Musical, but this show is clearly attempting to be more realistic at times to counteract how unrealistic the rest of the show’s plot is. Anyways, the fact he wrote Ginny a song is cute. She didn’t deserve him. At all. I CAN BARELY BREEAATHE WHEN YOU ARE NEEAAR😩

Bracia: I love Bracia. She’s so talented and pretty! I was a bit confused as to why she was so upset with Ginny at the Halloween party, so I’m glad they included that scene in the bathroom where they discuss what it’s like being black and how it differs from being mixed. I’m really glad they’re doing more with her character in the second season, because considering how much of Bracia’s character is focused on conveying a POC’s experience, simply having her be that token “activist” character would’ve been such a disservice and hypocritical of the creators and writers of the show. I was so happy when she got the lead in the Bridgerton spinoff musical! Also the blossoming romance between her and Bryon is so cute!! In visual media, it’s been a longstanding practice where if there’s a black side character, they’re depicted as sassy, loud, and one dimensional, rarely ever getting an actual backstory or having direct impacts on the plot. But with Ginny and Georgia, while Bracia is still a side character, she has a developed personality, has more than one hobby and aspiration, has an impact on the actions and emotions of the main character, and has a romantic interest that isn’t immediately introduced. It’s obviously not revolutionary, but it’s such a big step compared to the TV shows from when I was in high school.

Nick: I was loving Georgia and Nick’s friendship dynamic so much and then Cynthia had to go and ruin it when she trespassed and found out Georgia was embezzling. (Literally Marty pulled tf through with that.) But please tell this man to shut up about his degree from Colgate! We get it, you’re educated, you’re smart, but you’re also thirsting after a straight man! Get a grip! Ok but I love that he does drag and how it’s not like, super experienced drag that would actually earn you a living, but it’s just for fun, Avril Lavigne if she were a popstar mixed with the fashion sense of someone in 2012 (especially those peplum tops and snapback hats, along with heeled chunky ankle boots or sneaker heels). But I’m sad that his relationship is most likely not real (Maybe it is, maybe Gabriel is gay and actually likes Nick. It’s possible.) and that the friendship between him and Georgia is tarnished. They were like frenemies and I loved the dynamic.

Gabriel: Sorry, I don’t care how much you’re getting paid to dig up shit about someone. If you see someone like Georgia, minding her business after a life of hardship and barely getting by, mind YOUR business. Like what Gabriel is doing has got to be illegal. He literally moved from TEXAS to MASSACHUSSETTS to stalk a woman and is in a fake relationship with her coworker for the sole purpose of gathering intel. I’d argue that he’s doing more damage than Georgia ever did because he’s manipulating a minor to turn against her own mother based on his assumptions (they may be true, but he does not have enough evidence and is not an actual investigator, and therefore has no legal grounds to be doing ANY of what he’s doing.) Get a life and get rid of the southern accent. It’s disturbing. But like also stay handsome my guy.

Cynthia: I don’t like her. I feel bad that her husband is dying and that she’s not doing well, but she was still a bitch. However, Georgia should not have gone over and been kind solely to get her to sponser her candidacy for the neighborhood club. That was low behavior, even for Georgia. Like Georgia was more justified in murder than she was going to Cynthia while she’s preparing for her slowly withering husband’s death, seemingly extending an olive branch, then abruptly pulling the rug once Cynthia expressed her skepticism, as if it wasn’t obvious that she was up to something. Regardless, Cynthia is an entitled person that deserved to be knocked down a few pegs. Obviously, I feel bad for her because she was looked at like she was insane when she literally stumbled upon Georgia’s embezzling scheme, but trespassing is illegal, so she’s still not in the right here. I understand she’s lonely and going through unimaginable pain and grief, but her kid was a bully UNTIL this happened and she was a selfish, conniving b word UNTIL this happened. Hurt people hurt people, but what was her excuse before her husband’s condition declined?

Overall, this show is a wild ride. It’s a lot more juicy than I was expecting. I honestly thought it was just gonna be about how Ginny resents her mom because she’s young and pretty, often getting mistaken for her sister or her friend. However, I was pleasantly surprised by how deep the storyline goes, and how thought-out and intentional the plot is. I really enjoy how we’re not just getting simple flashbacks that serve as filler and provides subpar context, we’re getting full-fledged Georgia lore, along with depictions of these past events haunting Georgia. She’e having PTSD flashbacks. I appreciate all the types of representation in this show. This is one of the only shows I’ve watched that has a deaf character, talks openly about mental health, (self harm, eating disorders, learning disabilities, anxiety, panic attacks, body image, PTSD, therapy) has all sorts of relationship dynamics, includes scenes about masturbation and vibrators, and addresses disparities regarding race in the education system, in the beauty industry, and so many aspects of life. (Albeit in a way that is so direct and unsubtle that it comes off cringey and stereotypical of gen-z.) Regardless, the show does a great job showing different characters’ perspectives on a situation, whether it be through the perspective of an adult, followed by a teenager, or through the lens of a black person, followed by that of a white person. It’s one of the most realistic shows I’ve ever watched, despite the bizarre drama and shenanigans that ensue. The amount of second-hand embarrassment I get from this show is more than I would like, but it’s bearable enough that it doesn’t deter me from watching at all. There is something for everyone to enjoy, but it’s definitely not a show I’d watch with anyone else, except maybe a friend.

But… One thing that I will say about the show—and this is more about a bone I have to pick with dear old Netflix rather than it being any sort of poor reflection on the quality of Ginny and Georgia’s plot—is that it is one of those shows like Outer Banks, Wednesday, Stranger Things, and countless others in the sense that it follows Netflix’s “golden rule”: cliffhangers.

(I start going on a tangent, so if you’re only here for the Ginny and Georgia review, this is unrelated and you’ve reached the end of my commentary. If you are interested in hearing about my gripes with Netflix and the future of quality visual media and how the digital age and its promotion of instant gratification affects the sanctity of watching television, keep reading!)

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good cliffhanger. Shows that involve murder or secrets especially, cliffhangers are present in almost every show in some regard. However, this has become such a problem. It’s like you can’t close the book on any major plot points, whether it be at the end of an episode, or the end of a season. Doing so could literally get the show axed. I just don’t think that’s fair. It’s what happened with Julie and the Phantoms, I’m Not Okay With This, and Everything Sucks!. While they all ended their last episodes, down to the last SCENE with cliffhangers, (although, the loose ends to Everything Sucks! are significantly less mindblowing and imperative, at least when compared to the other two. To be fair, JATP and INOWT are both shows that are centered around supernatural beings, while Everything Sucks! is a 90s drama navigating the loves and the lives of middle and high schoolers.) they all still got canceled. I refuse to believe it’s solely because of “low ratings”. People were dressing up as Julie for Halloween! There was a whole TikTok fandom for the show! Fanart, fanfiction, edits, and campaigns to renew JATP were abundant! The amount of people on twitter alone that rallied for I’m Not Okay With This was overwhelming, and the comments on Netflix’s instagram whenever they announced new seasons or renewals of other shows are enough proof that both JATP and INOWT have the traction to make the company plenty of money. I just think that forcing shows to keep doing cliffhangers after each episode or end each season with loose ends for the sole purpose of making sure people watch enough episodes (bc there was that study that said most people stop watching shows after the third episode if it doesn’t interest them) and get high enough ratings for Netflix to even consider renewing if it isn’t in the top 10 most watched during its debut week. I could go on a whole rant about this, but it doesn’t add to my Ginny and Georgia commentary so I’ll just put it down here.

Everything Sucks! Was a bit less popular, but I was in the fandom when it first came out, I had a whole tumblr dedicated to it, and surprisingly enough, there were Wattpad x reader fics for the show! To be fair, it came out in February 2018, right off the heels of Stranger Things season 2, which came out in late October of 2017. That may seem like enough time for the Stranger Things hype to die down, but you have to remember that this was when Stranger Things was the BIGGEST thing Netflix had. Nothing Netflix had previously released came close to the level that Stranger Things reached. This was pre-covid, before working from home was normalized, before every single network had a streaming service. (Or at least not a streaming service that you were willing to pay for.) How long did it take season 4 of Stranger Things to die down? It was even longer considering the gap between vol. 1 and vol. 2 of season 4 (That’s May to July. 2 months.) And I’d argue that the hype lasted until Halloween, since Eddie, Vecna, and Max were popular costumes. So from May to October, that’s 5 months. So Everything Sucks! really didn’t stand a chance, and it was too similar to Stranger Things at the time. (A show set in the later decades of the 20th century Middle schoolers in the AV club are the outcasts. Main guy of the group develops crush on girl that he never noticed before. Older teenagers begrudgingly become mentors to the middle schoolers and help them on their “quest”.)

#cw spoilers #spoilers #ginny and georgia spoilers #spoiler alert #ginny and georgia #netflix #g&g #ginny miller #georgia miller #opinions #crybabyddl rants #crybabyddl rambles #crybabyddl reviews

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i-want-skinny-love · 1 year

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I think I’m finally starting to gain control again, I don’t get why it took me so long to get it back. Just back in 2019-early 2020 I had done so good with my weight loss and restriction, at some point I lost control because the guy I was seeing ALWAYS wanted Taco Bell, and then later I went on a different mental health medication (that didn’t work) and it increased me appetite so much, I would eat a full meal and an hour later my stomach would hurt so much because I felt like I was starving, so I was eating a lot. It would wake me up almost every hour or two, my stomach would hurt so bad and then I would snack just to make it stop, I finally got off of that medication a month later but the damage was already done, and that’s I think when I got back into the 140′s. I got all the way down to 120, and I lost all of the progress and I’ve been mad at myself ever since. If I had continued, I would still be at that same weight or maybe gotten down to 115. My body would look better than it did, I would be more toned by now. I have to work a lot harder this time because it’s a different type of weight I’ve gained, mostly in my stomach, but I need to work on my whole body again. I’ve been keeping up with working out every day, even if it’s just 100-200 jumping jacks. Even though I don’t see results yet, I already feel better and healthier. Yesterday when I got home from work, I didn’t binge eat a ton of food after not eating all day. I had a some vegetable pot stickers, and that was it. I’m honestly really proud of myself, because that’s a cycle I had been getting into, not eating all day, and binging when I would get home, and I would convince myself I didn’t eat that much, but I really did. I might have to go back to tracking calories which I really hate doing, but since I almost got to 150 this time, it might be best for me to track my calories for a little but while I’m just getting started on my journey again.

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reachtonirvana · 1 year

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This time 8 years ago, I was in a position of taking my life for the good. Today I’m celebrating not making that decision.

I am telling my story now in order for those who are reading this can somewhat relate and make that decision to not do it, and instead celebrate years later the progress you made ❤️

I had it all planned out, a rope and/or the bottle of sleeping pills that belonged to my dad. I couldn’t decide. I was only 15, but I knew I didn’t want to feel the burden anymore. Most of my depression came from the people who made me feel mad. At the time, I had my first heartbreak from my first relationship. I spoke to him about my sadness and how I felt at moments in which I wanted to die. The moment he had the opportunity to tell everyone my secrets was when he betrayed me the most. He told everyone I was crazy, and that I was a psychopath like my father. Like my dad, I suffer from depression. But my father is no psychopath, but when I was 15 I felt like I was.

To most, using the excuse of a boy hurting you at the age of 15 isn’t a good story or reason. But I was not wanting to commit suicide because of a boy who told everyone I was crazy. I was suffering from feeling blue since I was 12. At that age, I was growing up in a beautiful family and I had everything from a home to my siblings, my parents, my other extended family. But at the age of 12, I also saw the saddest point of my upbringing. At that age, I saw my father suffer from his bipolar depression. Whether it was coming in or out of the psychiatric unit or in or out of the emergency rooms because of the number of times he wanted to commit. That is when I felt the most defeated, I wanted to help my dad be happy be the reason why he should live, but I couldn’t do it.

Thank you to Dr.Stanton, she helped him sleep better and helped him reason to not take his life away because he would only leave a tragedy behind. He made so many changes and I’ll forever love my father for that. But with his changes I felt myself declining and I knew I wasn’t myself anymore because I turned to Tumblr to repost depressive thoughts. I didn’t seek help. I only convinced myself I wasn’t going to actually do it and because of that I didn’t need help. But with time, I made new friends in a new school. Met a boy who I fell in love with. But I would hurt myself along the way, whether it was stealing razor blades from my mom’s bathroom cabinet or having rubber bracelets to hide my arm wounds and snapping the bands when I wanted to feel pain. Although I was good at hiding, eventually I was betrayed by both my friends and the boy.

I knew I felt insane, but it hit different when another person or several people called you insane. I knew I didn’t want to handle the voices coming from others or the ones in my head. So I came to the point where I was in my closet waiting for the moment to do it. That night 8 years ago, I was ready to die. I wanted to die. But eventually I fell asleep from the amounts of crying and the insane migraine I felt that night. After that, I remained the same hurting myself but I didn’t want to have the same swollen eyes I had the day after I tried to take my life so I didn’t do it again.

After graduating high school, I felt that urge once again. To end, and that’s when I decided to seek for help. Because I knew I couldn’t do it and I was in a university where I was studying something that intrigued me and made me feel like I belonged (a woman in STEM), I found help. My psychologist was patient, she was kind, and helpful. She helped me reasoned and helped me realize it’s okay to be sad, but I needed more help because of the concern of my father’s diagnosis. Because bipolarism is passed on through genetics I am at risk of having it as well. I didn’t meet with the psychiatrist and unfortunately the pandemic made it impossible after. After 2 years, I’m here typing my story. Why? Because I feel like I still need help even though I exercise to help my mental health and I avoid my sad thoughts. I still need it. I need it to celebrate again the years of life I have lived and the fact that I never took my own life.

I hope this story helps who ever reads this to realize what they need to do to help their mental health. You are loved and you are worth living. Be brave and seek help. ❤️ #mentalhealthawareness

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rachelosangeles · 1 year

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2022 is coming to an end and I can’t be more excited. These last 2 years living on my own has taught me so much. I’ve never felt like I’ve grown so much than I have in these past 2 years. I was forced to learn to handle a lot of new things on my own, whether it be killing a bug, a financial issue or even a mental issue, and it’s made me feel much more confident and proud of myself. I’m confident in the fact that I can rely on myself. I know I can do it on my own, if needed, and that’s one of the goals I’ve always wanted to accomplish for myself. That’s one of the reasons why I decided to break up with the “R” word, as I like to call him. I know it’s just a small apartment but I love looking around knowing everything in this place, I provided for myself. I built this home for myself.

I’ve learned that I love living alone, because I love my alone time. I love having my own space to do nothing lol. I love sitting on the couch all day with Tina.

I’ve analyzed a lot about myself over the last 2 years, specifically about my mental health. I know the negative traits about myself that I need to fix, and I also know WHY I have those negative traits and where they stem from (aka my parents lol). They’re the reason I do these unhealthy things like give the silent treatment when I’m mad, keep all my emotions in, feel like I need to say ‘yes’ to everything (aka be a people pleaser), get anxious when I notice a guy I’m dating hasn’t done what they “normally” do, etc. And for the longest time all I ever wanted was for my parents to understand what they’ve put me through and to change that. But now I’m learning to accept that they don’t know any better. Now I’m learning to accept that they’re not going to change, and I just have to break the cycle. Which is funny, because that’s what the “R” word used to always tell me. But analyzing where all this comes from and being more self aware has made me feel like I’m starting to progress mentally. I don’t want to be a toxic person, and I don’t want to gravitate towards toxic people either, like I have in the past.

But also on a sad note, it’s been 2 years since we’ve cut all ties and I’m still the loser who hasn’t gotten over him lol. I should be over it by now. I try not to talk about anything involving him anymore, because it’s starting to feel embarrassing that I still haven’t moved on. I’ve only “moved on” because I have no choice. He’s happy and in a relationship. That’s all I know, and that’s really all I need to know.

There has been some progress though.. the dreams finally stopped. However the crying has not lol. If I let myself think about it too much I just cry.. A friend of mine once was like “Oh, I thought you were over it?” And at first I though that was a little rude lol. But it started to make me wonder why I’m still not over it. And since I’m on this journey of analyzing, I’ve figured out why this has been so hard for me. I think it’s because since I was a kid I’ve struggled to feel loved or cared for (again, thanks parents). And that honestly makes you feel like you have a literal void inside you. The “R” word was the first person who ever filled that void. I’ve said this so many times and honestly, I can’t say it enough. He was the first person, and probably the only person, who made me feel like I was truly loved and cared for. He was the only person who made me feel beautiful. He was the only person I could trust 1000000%, I never even knew I could trust someone that much. He was my best friend who knew me inside and out. And I felt like I knew him inside and out too. He felt like my literal other half lol. So now that he’s gone, the other half of me is gone. I have that void again, like it really feels like there’s an empty space inside me lol. And it’s hard to get over that. So this is much more to me than just getting over an ex boyfriend. This is me trying to live life feeling like something is physically missing from me. It’s a little dramatic, but it’s true haha. Some days it honestly just feels like I’m going through the motions. But I keep trying to tell myself that I won’t feel like this forever. It might take me 10 years lol, but I won’t feel like this forever. I keep trying to repeat to myself that as long as he’s happy that’s all that matters

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mercutiodidntdieforthis · 2 years

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Anyways. It makes me so mad when I do all the stuff for my mental health and it’s still garbage. I’m taking my meds, I’m taking vitamins, I’m cooking healthy meals, I’m doing the stupid fucking breathing exercises and the fucking yoga and self compassion meditation bullshit, and I’m not even being bitter about it in the moment, like I take it seriously while I’m doing it. Still doesn’t work. “You have to keep at because progress is slow” my brother in Christ, you don’t know how many years I have been keeping at it, progress should mean noticing a difference no matter how gradual it is lol

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bitterandsweetsdiary · 2 years

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Prepare for the things you prayed for.

A year ago I used to pray to God a lot of things. Pass my exams( ASCPi & IELTS), be picked on the H1B lottery and give me an employer in any state in US as long as i do have one. Unfortunately, not all of those prayers were answered in an instant. The thing that really affected me was when I was not being picked on last year’s H1B lottery. At first I was mad, cried a river, compared myself to my friends’ achievements and questioned God’s plans,yet little did I know He has a greater plans for me.

After the lottery I focused on my review for my IELTS exam. There are countless of times that i felt pressured around the success of my friends and repeatedly compared my progress over theirs. But that didnt hold me back on my goal to pass my exam. I practiced, did my best, prayed and lift all my worries to Him and viola!God answered my prayer. I PASSED on my first take.

My friends knew how stress and pressured I was and when I got the result PASS, I was on cloud 9. I felt like there’s a heavy baggage lifted upon my body and that’s when i realized that God had always a greater plan. I realized why I did not make it to last year’s lottery because i need no distractions in order for me to focus better on my review.

After back to back exams— the rejection and disappointment did not stop there, in fact it was just the beginning. I applied in different agencies, hospitals and then I became picky on which state i wanted to work. That’s when i started to pray to God to assign me in a place where i could find a new family and friends that could help me through life and a workplace that is healthy for my mental and physical health.

Rejections were left and right, tried doing interviews and failed. Waited for good news on other facilites that i applied but did not hear from them and that’s when frustrations and stress creeps in again. I even told myself “this was even harder than any exam i took”. Until I decided to ease on and not rush on anything.

Eventually, I decided to apply on one agency hoping i would picked on this year’s H1B lottery again. I prepared myself and set my mind that this is what I’m going to do.

And on the most unexpected time God changed everything i planned for. I was given a second chance to do another interview from a facility I first applied and few weeks later I got a job offer and got hired. It happened so fast that i questioned and doubt God’s plans again. Maybe because I got used to being stuck in one place or used to receive a bad news or failed from everything that i wanted to. So, when things started to go on my way i’d always find something wrong or would think this could be a disaster or failure in the end. And everytime i would overthink over small things and imagine the disasters that could happen, God reminded me to put my trust and faith on Him.

And again in the most unexepected time He would give answers to my worries. Eventually, I realized things could go even better than i could ever imagine.

Fast forward to this day I’m glad I didn’t gave up despite the challenges, the breakdowns, the disappointments and rejections cause He never failed me from the beginning. Before, I used to pray to God to answer all my desires but now, everyday I pray to Him to let me be prepare and ready for the things i used to pray for.

I know my journey doesn’t end here rather It starts here. Here’s to conquering another path in my life, chasing dreams and meeting new people.

I’m not afraid cause I know God is always with me!💖💫

Cheers to that American dream!🇺🇸💖

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finsterhund · 2 years

Text

The day before the party, thoughts, updates, rambling, etc.

I got a package from Will and Paula. I will share its contents in its own post but I am so excited and happy. Thanks to them I was able to get Cazza a rare toy that I wasn’t sure I would have been able to get for her before, you know. I’m feeling a lot of relief. (She loves it by the way)

The heat is starting to get really bad. I am struggling super hard not to overheat and I know that it’s only going to get worse. Currently doing an experiment to see if putting a car window shade (what I did last year) has a better effect than just opening the window as wide as I can. I think the window shade is going to win. I am also debating whether I should bring out my last fan. The one I don’t use anymore. Will it make any difference? (I already have four running in my room lol) Climate change is deadly for me. Hate the heat. I miss winter so bad. I wish we could have winter with more sun. Winter but it doesn’t snow. Winter but it’s green. Cazza has almost completely shed. I have been collecting as much as I can.

Fishy sent some goodies my way and I have just been trying to relax between chores and eat them. I found out macadamia nuts are toxic to dogs so sad I can’t share. But I always love getting the Hawaiian candy ever since he first sent me some and I became addicted to the chocolate covered macadamia nuts lol. It’s like crack to me I have to put other things on top of the box so I don’t go at them all in one go. (And this is why the pandemic made me gain weight)

For my birthday I got Cazza some fancy treats that she really likes. I wish we could have a pool party. That we had a backyard and all my friends could come over and play in the pool (with Cazza) and that we had sprinklers (like the Spot sprinkler) and a slip n slide. The one big thing I got growing up was a massive (unkempt but lol that makes it more fun) backyard. Summer would be easier to deal with if I could just spend 12 hours a day sitting in a wading pool but the closest I can come to that is the bathtub until my roommate gets mad at me.

All things considered I think this is going to be a relaxing birthday. And good because my friends care about me and because Cazza is here. Fishy also sent me a card (and one for Cazza) and I tried setting up some doofy little clothespin line thing to hook them up by my bed. It’s very much still a work in progress but I’ll try to share soon. I love decorating my room in a maximalist sorta vibe with little treasures hanging off of every surface.

Not mental health meds so less of a pressing issue but there’s something wrong with my disability assistance because I went to the pharmacy and they wanted an extra $150 dollars after I switched from the name brand so I gotta talk to my doctor about why the fuck that’s happening.

The meds are to fix my hormone imbalance so it’s not life or death but still very annoying. I’m due for a checkup anyways but I have to do bloodwork in july and this is going to give me a bad score in blood.

I am waiting until this week is over to worry about it. Because I have my birthday and then I have Cazza’s next appointment and then I want to rest. I want to rest and rest and rest.

Andy very sleepy tired and weak.

I’m positive it’s just a misunderstanding and I won’t have to pay but it’s still so annoying that this is happening in Canada when healthcare is supposed to be free even though it very obviously isn’t. They won’t let you die but other than that pay up motherfucker.

(I say that but I know everything is a whole lot cheaper on average than it is in the US but it’s still pretty frustrating)

I missed Will and Paula’s art stream today because they did it early and it was before I woke up which I’m kinda upset about but it’s not the end of the world. Living in timezones sucks. Illinois is so far away that “noon” to them is still finsterhund sleepytime. Granted I don’t get up these days before noon and our “morning” walk but same thing. It’s usually in the afternoon on my end so I’m more likely to make it.

I’ve seen a few stores, more than last year, have pride collections and while I’m happy that being LGBTQ is being more normalized even if it’s consumerism I do wish that some of the stuff was more gender neutral because so much stuff is femme and I’m never gonna be one of those guys who expresses in a femme way. Had a phase as a teen that was tainted by a significantly older partner trying to push the femboy aesthetic on me and just never wanted to again afterwards. Maybe with age my masculinity won’t be super fragile but can’t say at the present. it’s weird because part of me does want to wear sparkly rainbow bead bracelets and such and it’s not that I’m closeted I’m very out lmfao but idk. Religious trauma and stuff really damages your brain. That’s the sort of stuff I give to my stuffed animals and Cazza. Cazza’s collar literally looks like a flag. I call it the Cazza pride flag and I made a fake flag moc up of it that maybe I can find somewhere in my files.

This year I’ve been struggling with labels again and after reading several resources that say being asexual isn’t because of trauma I’m no longer identifying as being under the asexual spectrum. I have no real way of separating if I’m “asexual” exclusively because of abuse and trauma and I don’t think I will until I actually start healing through therapy (it is a long journey) so I think I’ll just be open that despite being gay I’m sex repulsed due to child abuse. If I think too hard about it me being aromantic may be influenced by my childhood trauma as well but I wasn’t really abused in a way that would affect “romantic relationships” (I think?) so I’m more comfortable saying that I’m aromantic still. It’s hard to tell if I experienced romantic interest or if I just thought it was normal and mirrored it. Like I had a crush on another boy I was close friends with in third grade but I’m very conflicted about how I process relationships and how much of the romantic aspect at the time was actually romantic. If that makes sense. So much of my identity is interwoven with my trauma and it makes everything very difficult to unpack. Shout out to my birth father for not being able to cure my queerness but absolutely making me more confused about my own identity anyways.

All I can really say for sure is that I am gay and a childhood trauma survivor. You can’t really slap childhood trauma on a pride flag though.

Gonna go for evening walkies now and settle in for the night. Talk to you later. Maybe there will be birthday shennanigans tomorrow.

Cazza loves you.

#text post #long post #updates

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