#I wonder if you actually mean it. what if I did actually kms would you then have empathy.
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hey can whoever keeps doing this please stop. I know I sound stupid and you just want attention but it actually does get to me. Trust me I think these things about myself every fucking day, I don’t need you to repeat them. please leave me alone. don’t be responsible for suicide.
#please just fucking leave me alone#my mental health is bad as it is without people on the internet saying these things to me#I wonder if you actually mean it. what if I did actually kms would you then have empathy.
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Legends Are Made | Lewis Hamilton x Female Reader
Summary : 9 months after Ayrton Senna's fatal crash , Y/N Senna Da Silva was born in Rome , Italy and was defined by destiny carrying the same talent as her father's . At the very young age of 2 Y/N developed an interest upon her father's job and then entered the fascinating world of F1 . Growing up and moving from F3 to F2 her dream to bring back her father's legacy seemed to finally come true , when she joined the Mercedes AMG Petronas team , becoming the first woman on the F1 grid . What she did not expect was that she would fall in love with an 5 times world time F1 champion , Lewis Hamilton .
TW : Mentions and descriptions of Ayrton Senna's fatal crash from the autopsy , Max is super mean upon the reader ( Red Bull is an absolute shit in this ) , anxiety and panick attacks , a lot of angst(y feeling's ) , tears ( both of sadness and happiness ) , Ayrton visit's the reader ( I was crying when I wrote this ) , but extreme fluff towards the end .
This idea came up to me back in May 1 of this year , and while I was listening to the song above Legends Are Made by Sam Tinnesz , I could not help myself and think of all the things that could have happened if Ayrton had a daughter with the same talent . After 3 months working on this I finally finished it .
Just remember that English is not my first language , so if you spot any mistakes just bare with me . ( It is a tw on it's own ) .
PS : I do not usually pour my entire heart and soul on every imagine that I write , but I actually did in this one - and I am proud of it - I hope you like it . I was literally crying the whole time .
Edit : Still crying .
19k words - i got reallyy away with this one
______________________________________________________________
May , 1 1994 Imola , Italy - San Marino Grand Prix
Lap 7 . . . the car left the racing line at Tamburello and ran in a straight line off the track and struck an unprotected concrete barrier .
He tried to brake down .
He really did .
The car hit the wall at a shallow angle, tearing off the right front wheel and nose cone with 211 km/h .
" Ayrton Senna crashed after the Tamburello corner and smashed with the barrier . Red Flag . The safety car is on it's way . We may need an ambulance for this . " The presenter said with an anxious tone in his voice .
Ayrton tried moving his head but the pain was insufferable .
After that he lost his vision and everything turned black .
" Ayrton Senna Da Silva , a truly staggering talent is dead at the age of 34 years old , after crashing his W16 on the concrete barrier . We lost without any doubt one of the best or maybe the best F1 racing driver." The same presenter said after a couple of hours after the incident .
Ayrton Senna Da Silva - your father - was dead .
_____
January 8th 1995 , Rome , Italy
It was a sunny but cold day when your mother gave birth to you .
Y/N Senna Da Silva . . . the one and only daughter of the F1 champion Ayrton Senna .
You did not know it yet but you would grow up without your dad .
Although you carried something very special within your heart .
His talent was passed over to you , something that your mother tried desperately to avoid .
At the young age of 2 , after watching for the first time a F1 race , one of your dad's , you could not help but wonder about all these fast cars that were racing in big circles .
You were amazed by the colors and the sounds of the engine's .
Your mother did everything in her power to keep you away from F1 and she thought she had succeeded , until one day when she picked you up from the Kindergarten you were crying and sniffling your nose.
When she asked you what happened the only answer you could give was more tears and the phrase " The other kids say that I don't have a dad , because he left me . "
That phrase still keeps you and your mother awake at night .
After that incident she decided to show you one of your father's races.
You loved it .
Little did she know that you had the same talent as your father and she could not keep you away from it .
After a couple of months , you entered the F1 worlds by going into karting .
_____
By the time you were 15 years old , you were able to perfectly drive a F3 car . Your coach said that it would be too easy for you to move from karting to F3 and then F2 .
" You are just like your father . " Your mother said to you on your first big crash .
You had a few big scratches but nothing that could stop you from raicing .
" What do you mean ? " You asked her back trying to convince your mother on telling you more .
After a few hours of you talking you found out more information about your father's tragic death .
" I saw it live on the TV . He was motionless . He had so many injuries ih his head . There was so much blood . You could see it from afar . Thereafter he did not move again . He called me before the race saying that he had a feeling , that something bad will happen to him."
" How ironic " She thought .
__________
' The resemblance is almost scary . ' You thought while you were looking at your debut photo , that the Mercedes AMG Petronas team had published .
It was 100 % sure that you were your father's daughter .
You had the exact same curls at the end of your hair , big honey color doe eyes , that cute little nose and those same full dark pink lips .
You even had the same stance .
Same fashion style . Heck even some clothes of his where now on your closet .
You were practically the same .
But you were not on the same F1 team .
While your father had the best time in McLaren , you joined the Mercedes AMG Petronas team in 2015 .
Being 25 years old you became the youngest amongst everyone , but what made it even worse is that you were the first woman on the F1 grid .
The night before your first public appearance you couldn't sleep .
You were worried and anxious .
Thinking about people's opinions made it even worse that it already was .
Getting up you decided to go to the kitchen at take those sleeping pills your doctor prescribed for you .
And before you knew it you entered the dream space - or so you thought .
" You know that you can not go on like this for long right ? " A man's voice spoke from your left side of the bed .
A voice you have heard before but can not pinpoint exactly where .
" This is not a dream Y/N you can answer me . "
Y/N .
He knows my name .
' I know his voice . ' You thought .
And then it hit you right in the face .
" Dad ? " You asked tears on your face while you where slowly turning to his direction .
He smiled .
He smiled to you .
Your dad smiled to you .
Suddenly you felt someone embracing you - a soft kiss on your forehead .
You hugged him back .
Your dad was here - hugging you and telling you he loves you .
" I am always with you , you are safe . " He told you .
By now you were crying uncontrollably .
" I love you so much Y/N . "
" Do not leave me alone dad . Please . " You begged him through sobs.
" Never Y/N . I love you ." He said to you one last time before you fell asleep .
And he was right .
He never left your side .
You woke up after 8 hours of sleeping , with his cross on your nightstand beside the photo you had of him .
You were safe .
__________
One year had passed since you first saw your father for the first time .
Everything was going great with the team - almost .
You and Lewis Hamilton were practically best friends by now .
' The best duo on the whole grid ' . Everyone said .
Fans going crazy on Twitter shiping both of you .
You had become great friends with Daniel Riccardo and Carlos Sainz.
You had a good relationship with Fernando Alonso and Perez although you did not talk much , but you respected each other .
You and Valtteri Bottas became buddy's through Tiffany and you had the best time pranking Lewis .
Sebastian Vettel was something else entirely .
He respected you and helped you in any way possible . Being the oldest one in the grid helping others with his own ways , made him the father of the grid .
The only one who did not speak to you was Verstappen .
Max Verstappen .
He looked at you with such hate .
Did not talk at you .
Even when you had to sit net to him in interviews he always switched seats with somebody else .
Atleast you were thankful that nothing ever happened .
__________
Two years had passed by .
The best two years of your life .
Your relationship with Lewis was stronger than before .
At least that's what you thought from your part .
You liked him .
Actually you liked him even more than a friend .
God you even loved him at this point .
But you desided to keep it to yourself , not wanting to mess up your frienship or even worse jeopardize your partnership .
Valtteri joined Mercedes and for once you though that they would ask you to transfer , but Toto Wolff would never do it . Especially after watching you getting close to Susie an having the best time babysitting their kids .
In the Brazilian GP of 2017 you finished first place earning the respect of Kimi Raikkonen and becoming close buddy's .
You were always sending food posts and memes in each other and you even died from laughter when you first watched Jackass while babysitting his kids .
Everything was going great until the Abu Dhabi GP .
Valtteri finished first , Lewis second , Sebastian third , Kimi fourth , you fifth and in the sixth place Max .
You had overtake him in last possible minute earning your place in your father's hometown - something that Max did not like at all and decided to make it show in the press conference later .
__________
" My name is Joseph from the F1 Magazine and my question is for Miss Y/N Senna . Y/N you were so good today and I am a 100 % that next year you will win the Championship . I can not help but wonder though and it is something that a lot of people are asking - today you came in the grid with some of your father's clothes . Is there a particular reason ? " He asked you .
" I actually do it all the time since some of his clothes fit me and I believe that he had the best style back then and since now Lewis has stolen that place I need to bring it back . " You answered smiling and making a little joke about Lewis that alot of people loved .
Especially him .
" That is great . My next question is for everyone and it is about what cars do you drive . Can we start with Mr . Vettel . " The interviewer asked with a smile .
" Well I have a Golf . " Carlos said and everybody laughed .
" And you Max ? " The guy asked him .
" I drive a Ferrari , not like someone else that drives a Golf or an almost 30 year old car . " Max said hating on Carlos and you .
You drove your father's famous red Honda NSX and actually own a really big percentage of the Honda NSX cars and you were extremely proud about it .
" Okay . See you on Twitter . " Carlos said know full well that Max is going to get so many new haters .
Sebastian was not proud , Kimi was laughing at Max's stupidity , Daniel was embarrassed and Lewis was furious .
" Y/N what do you have to say about this ? " The guy named Joseph asked you .
" First of all I agree with Carlos and second I am proud of driving such a car . Actually you can ask Mr. Mibe the CEO of Honda and he can assure you that my 30 year old Honda's are far more better that just a plain Ferrari . Thank you . " You answered making everyone in the room speechless .
" Well I totally agree . " Sebastian said laughing .
" She owns the division of the Honda Acura , she can buy all the Ferrari's he owns and plenty more . " Kimi said making everyone speechless again .
Carlos was right , because Twitter was going wild after the press conference was published .
__________
To say that you were mentally drained was a statement .
You were currently crying your eyes out .
Lewis and his dog Roscoe were on your side .
" I just wished the season didn't end like this . " You said while Lewis was hugging you .
" It's okay silly , everyone is on your side . Look even Kimi talked after a really long time . " Lewis said and you both laughed .
Suddenly you were both looking at each other in the eyes and before you noticed it Lewis had capped your face in his palms and pressed his lips at you .
You were so shocked that you did not realize that you had not kissed him back .
Your unresponsiveness made him believe that he was getting wrong .
'' I am so sorry Y/N I kno that you did- " Lewis said but you interupted him .
" Why did you stop ? " You asked him making him froze in his tracks .
It is safe to say that he kissed you back again something that went on about hours and hours on end until Roscoe got jealous of it and started to bark in your faces .
You stayed in Lewis hands for a while , until a scared Toto stormed inside the room .
" Next GP ? Imola , San Marino circuit . " He announced for both of you to hear , but was looking directly at you .
Imola , San Marino - where your father had lost his life .
__________
May , 1 2018 Imola , Italy - San Marino Grand Prix
"Today's atmosphere is heavy . We are in San Marino , Imola circuit where Ayrton Senna lost his life . Now we are waiting for the race to start as we have Y/N Senna Da Silva driving for the Mercedes AMG Petronas team . Toto Wolff specifically asked for the press to not be outside of the Mercedes pit . Y/N is already anxious and worried enough . We hope and pray for the best . In my opinion she is the best driver of this generation . " The same presenter that witnessed your father's death , spoke about you .
' 5 minutes till the race start's ' . You said to yourself .
You were inside your car , wearing your father's famous yellow helmet, his cross on your neck inside of your clothes .
Lewis had begged you not to do it .
Daniel and Carlos were totally afraid .
Kimi had retired .
Sebastian knew that it was dangerous but you wouldn't badge .
Your boyfriend - Lewis - was looking at you , pleading you with his eyes from his car to not do it .
Valtteri did not intervene .
You started from P4 , Sebastian in P3 , Valtteri in P2 and Lewis in P1 .
And the race started .
__________
You don't know how many laps you had done , you weren't counting them .
Everytime you approached the Tamburello racing line until you pass it , your heart was dropping on your stomach , you had trouble breathing .
You were thinking of him .
You thinking about your father .
Your mind was your enemy at this point telling you to 'look at the corner' .
You heart your companion was telling you 'do not look at the corner' .
'What if I lose control of the car and smash into the barier ? '
' What if I die ? '
' Mom is going to be devastated . '
'Lewis . . . oh my Lewis . . . '
' What if ? '
But despite your heart telling you to not look at the corner near the racin line in Tamburello , you did it and what you saw made everything stop .
__________
It is like you were watching the scene unfold it's self from afar .
You were back in 1994 .
Your car was on the other side of the road parked - you standing at the side of it .
Suddenly your father's car ran off the track and was struck an unprotected concrete barrier at 211km/h .
You could hear everything .
You could see everything .
You could smell everything .
Blood -
Your father's blood -
Tears streamed on your face like falls , your hands trembling while you were running to your father to save him .
But Death was far more powerful .
Before you could go and grab him , a hand engulfed your right wrist .
Your dad was standing besides you - his unconscious body still inside the car .
You started panicking , blindness covering your eyes - head dizzy .
" Y/N breath for me come on honey listen to me . " Your dad instructed you .
Trying to concentrate on your father's voice , you did not see his body getting lift out ofthe car , bones broken , blood everywhere .
After a while your father took you back to the side of your car , watching himself being lifted into a helicopter .
" What was the last thing you felt ? " You asked him .
" The taste of blood in my mouth and pain . " He answered calmly .
" I love you dad . " You said to him and hugged him again searching for his embrace .
You cried again .
" I love you too . Stop unsettling your mind with uneasy thoughts and go finish that race . Okay champion ? " Your father said to you before placing a soft kiss on your forehead .
Suddenly you were inside you car racing at 211km/h passing the Tamburello racing line - with your father's voice saying that he loves you watching him with tears in your eyes waiving at you from the corner .
__________
" AND Y/N SENNA DA SILVA IS THE WINNER OF THE IMOLA GRAND PRIX AND THE F1 WORLD CHAMPION OF 2018 " . The presenter scream in his microphone when your car overtook Sebastian's and finished in 1st place .
Your team was screaming , but all you could see and hear was your father saying ' I love you ' and ' I am so proud of you ' .
Only when Lewis hand landed on your shoulder you looked up - at him with tears in your red eyed from crying .
He helped you to get out of your car , took of your helmet and your balaclava , staring at you .
He grabbed your face - " What happened love ? " He asked you .
" I saw everything Lewis . I saw my dad . "
__________
You were currently standing with the Brazilisn flag on your shoulders , trophy on your hands , closed eys and head looking up , while everyone - even the fans - were all silent .
After you rised for your national anthem you asked for a minute of silence for your father .
The wind was blowing - and when something made you shiver but feel safe at the same time - you knew that your father was sitting besides you .
After one minute tears of happiness fell from your eyes .
__________
2023
You are now 28 years old , married with Lewis from 2019 with one beautiful baby boy .
You were still racing .
But today was a special day .
It was your son's birtand he was turning 3 years old .
You've desided with Lewis to go and wake him up , since you've prepared his favourite breakfast and after you would let him open his gifts .
" Goodmorning Ayrton Happy Birthday honey " You both said to your son to wake him up .
Mom's and Dad's and Thank you's could be heard all over the apartment as your son was driving his toy car around the house while holding a cookie .
Chocolate was plastered all over his face .
You were both happy smiling at him .
And then suddenly you heard your son screaming in the leaving room-
" I woak up in a new Ferrari . "
" I swear I am going to kill Carlos and Charles the moment I see them." Lewis said to you while you were uncontrollably laughing .
--------------------
@unimportantbabymilksharkte
@k----a27s
#f1 imagine#f1 fanfic#f1 x reader#f1 x female reader#f1 x oc#f1 x you#f1 x y/n#lewis hamilton imagine#lewis hamilton fanfic#lewis hamilton x reader#lewis hamilton x you
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What is where in Beyond Evil?
I always wondered where certain locations in the show actually are and how far each of them is apart from the others. Thankfully, the scriptbook has some addresses -- partially fictional, of course -- I can work with.
1. 문주시 (Munju-si) - 파주시 (Paju-si) (*si = city)
In one of the Blu-ray features, they mention that they filmed Dong Sik's neighborhood in Paju.
문산읍 (Munsan-eup) is part of 파주시 (Paju-si) (*eup = small town). It is easy to guess how they came up with the name "문주."
문산천 (Munsancheon River) = 문주천 (Munjucheon River)?
Trivia: The house used as Dong Sik's family house is actually in 용인시 (Yongin-si), which is about 100 km away from Paju. While filming the scene where Joo Won and Dong Sik are on their way to arrest Kang Jin Mook in Ep. 8, the actors momentarily thought they should take Joo Won's car because Manyang Supermarket is in Paju. They realized, soon after, that it is only a few minutes' walk from Dong Sik's house in the show.
2. Han Joo Won's apartment
The scriptbook says Joo Won's apartment is in 서울시 마포구 (Mapo-gu, Seoul-si) (*gu = district).
According to the Naver navigation service, it would take 35~50 minutes from Joo Won's place to Manyang by car. Mind you, I enter a city hall or its equivalent in "from" or "to" for the cities that are not familiar to me, and that's what I did here. Still, it would be safe to say that it takes about 45 minutes commuting for Joo Won, maybe an hour, tops, when the traffic is bad.
3. Han Ki Hwan's house
서울시 강남구 (Gangnam-gu, Seoul-si). The scriptbook says "청암동 (Cheongam-dong)" as well, which is clearly a little tweak from 청담동 (Cheongdam-dong) (*dong = town); it is in the northern part of 강남구. It takes about an hour from here to Joo Won's place by car, but thinking of Seoul's traffic, it might take a bit longer than that depending on the time of the day.
4. 서울경찰청 (Seoul Metropolitan Police Agency)
Seoul Metropolitan Police Agency is in 서울시 종로구 (Jongno-gu, Seoul-si). It takes 25~35 minutes from Joo Won's apartment, and 45~55 minutes from Han Ki Hwan's house by car. But again, it's Seoul, so you can never be sure.
5. 옥산군 (Oksan-gun) - 옥천군 (Okcheon-gun)
옥산군 (Oksan-gun) is where Chief Nam's lakehouse is (*gun = municipality). The actual location is called 옥천군 (Okcheon-gun). It would take 3~3.5 hours from Manyang by car.
6. 부산시 (Busan-si) & 울산시 (Ulsan-si)
In Ep. 8, Dong Sik says he and Chief Nam once arrested a culprit in Ulsan and went to Busan together to have pufferfish soup before going back to Seoul.
It takes 4.5~5 hours from Seoul to Ulsan, and another 1.5 hours from Ulsan to Busan by car. From Manyang to Busan, it would be about 5 hours by car. If you take a KTX train from Seoul Station to Busan Station, it takes about 2.5 hours.
7. 강원도 (Gangwon-do)
In the last episode, it is mentioned that Joo Won is working at a station in Gangwon-do (*do = province).
You can see that it is a fairly big province. As of November 2023, there are 17 police stations in Gangwon-do. Meaning, Joo Won can be anywhere 80~250 km from Manyang. Because I am a shameless JWDS shipper who hopes that Joo Won can go see Dong Sik both in Manyang and Oksan easily, I would like to imagine Joo Won is working at the station in 원주시 (Wonju-si), which would be about 2.5 hours from either Manyang or Oksan by car.
(*All estimated times are based on around 4 pm on a weekday. Of course, if one drives at dawn or in the middle of the night, it would take a much shorter amount of time.)
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young royals s3e6 episode reaction (the last one 😭)
I'm gonna miss this I'm so emo
ok let's go
simon's shaky eyelid I'm gonna rip my foot off
"it feels like you two are never truly over" SPEAK ON IT FELICE
wille's voice breaking I'm gonna start fucking sobbing
"I have to take responsibility for my own problems, I can't drag him down with me" bro I'm gonna kill myself
fuck I can't believe that's the last title
I'm gonna start sobbing ohohoho
he's gonna skip??? when has simon ever skipped in the whole series?
oh sara baby no
MICKE????? YOU RAT
oh, just the car
sure give them the car. that makes up for all the years of abuse. totally.
this conversation is so important help me
"see? she'll be fine" god I hope she will be fine
oh my they look all so nice in the sunlight. wille w the sunglasses. love the look
OH HE'S ASKING ABOUT SIMON STOP IT
haha yea called it
but why tell them like that? like why not call for a full student meeting and tell everyone? so unprofessional
if vincent doesn't Shut the FUCK Up oh my god
if he talked to me like that I'd be throwing fists on fucking god
also stella and fredrika need to calm the fuck down. go to new york then assholes
AUGUST?????
this man cannot be serious. sobbing like that over a school. be so for real. go hate crime someone if you're so upset. fuck
NILS VINCENT AND AUGUST HUGGING WTF
god that's so heartbreaking
fuck them rich kids but that's so heartbreaking
that's so weird. thinking abt simon moving away. it doesn't feel nice.
also rosh and ayub in full panic mode @ simon moving away... not great
NORWAY????
kristina's gonna croak isn't she
NOT THE BOOK OH MY GODJJGLDJFLDKG
chorrito pa las animas aaayyyyyyyyy
NOT NILS AND VINCENT GIVING AUGUST THEIR CONDOLENCES ABT HIM BEING THE SPARE LMFAOOOOOOOOOOO
oh my god that's goddamn hilarious
"you wanna be close to the royals, you don't wanna be one" "which is great for us actually" I can't stop fucking laughing jflsfjlsjflskf
SCREAMS OH GOD
oh god
"I feel empty. and scared" wonderful I love this honesty let's keep it going
oh tgjslfkslf HENRY IM GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU
sure, talk abt the booze and the drugs, that sure will make simon want to come to the party
NOT DOING SHOTS WITH THE HOUSEMASTER I'M GODKGKDLGJDLSKSFKDLFJ
THATS SO FUCKING FUNNYKGKGKFLGKDLGK
baby worm wille is my fav wille
I'VE LOST THE LOVE OF MY LIFE /WHAT/
/WHAT DO YOU MEAN WITH THAT WILHELM/
WHAT THE FUCKFJGKFKFLFKFLFKFLFK
OHMTOG
oh also he acknowledges he's gonna send krissy to an early grave. committing regicide is so based.
anyway LOVE OF MY LIFE?????????
does this track for an endgame or no?
oh god
FOR YOU
PARTY PRIIIIINCE LMAO
oh my god
MALIN????
JSKFJSKFKDGKDKGKKDKGKF
that was some king shit
"and I know erik did worse things in his day" understatement of the century
HE INVITED MALIN AND JOAKIM IM LOSING MY WHOLE DAMN MIND
JSKDKSKFKDLGIFLGKDLGKDLGKDLGKDLGK
king wilhelm fr
they're all so cute
seriously rosh and ayub are damn good friends
HE'S GOT THE FAKE GRASS IN HIS HAND
NOT REVOLUTION IM GON A LILLNYSLEFBFLGKDLFKD
ICANTKDL DELSIRBWIT TTJID
FUXIKC
they brought rosh and ayub I'm gonna cry
do you think rosh and stella are gonna kiss
oh
august looks like a mafia boss
WHAT ARE YOU APOLOGIZING FOR
oh. yeah. that was shitty. I also feel a lot of sympathy for that
oh fuck me I'm watching this in the train
"you know erik loved you more than anything else? the video with you two guys. it wouldn't have meant a thing"
I'm trying so hard not to sob but there's tears streaming down my face i
but I have stronger and more important feelings for you oh my fucking god I'm gonna start sobbing for real
im gonna cry
that was the best day of my life oh my god I'm making a scene in this train what the fuck
NOT THE HAIR
IM KILLINGMTSLEF
IS MY RADAR TOTALLY OFF AKFUSKFJDK
oh
they're totally drunk
NO WAY
NO WAY OH MY GOD THATS SO CUTKEJFLSJGSLFJDLFK
WHAT THE FUCKCJFLDKGKD
WHY WOULD WE LAUGH. WE'LL FIX THAT YOU'RE A STUD YOU CAN HAVE WHOEVER YOU WANT
BRO. VINCENT. NO.
AUGUST'S FACE IM GONNA KMS THEYRE SO CUTE STOP IT
oh don't go after her asshole you're drunk
HE KISSED HER WHY
OHHHHH
OH FUCK
YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH THE PERSON YOU BECOME WHEN YOU'RE WITH ME AND THATS NOT THE SAME THING OH FUCK
HE'S OFFERING TO RUN AWAY???
wille fully has no game huh. august did that immediately, wille is still all ooo im gonna be king my GOD ELOPE WITH SIMON
oh
FUCK SJFLANFJDLFKS
IT'LL PASS IS THIS A *JOKE*
big fan of the random two people with wille just BOLTING when they saw simon. like oooooohoho no this is NOT something we're doing tonight
FORGET WHAT
JUST FOR ONE NIGHT?
oh my god
WE'RE WORTH IT
I don't think I'm gonna take that. like I can't deal with that
no they're not doing that
they're not singing that song they're just not
no
I don't know why I thought it'd be a good idea to watch this in public transport
I thought it would be us
it was us and when it was us it was good
STELLA AND FREDRIKA LETS FUCKING GOOOOOO
FELICES FACE AND HER COVERING UP HER EARS IKFJLDJFLDKFLDKGDLKG
oh
ohh
WILLE'S SONFLSKF
DONT TAÑLTOME
I IN SJAMVLES
EVERYTHING IS FSKE
AUGUST HAS A PICTURE WITH HIM AND ERIK TOOB
oh wow that just broke me
:O
WHAT
THEYRE SINGING SIMON'S SOGN
akwñskd
im shakingb
that is such a nice tradition for the graduating class. I really like that.
KRISSY AND LUDWIG? ARIANA WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE
oh yeah congrats august
why is kristina smiling is she happy abt her son going after the love of his life?
"even though it was sad" actually lmao
IT WASN'T IN VAIN DUMBASS
I NEVER GAVE UP ON US I GAVE UP ON THE ROYAL FAMILY
EHAJFJSF WILJELNW HAT TUECJCL
I HOPE YOU HAVE A NICE SUMMER WHAT RHEUFKCJSLFJDLFK
I'm gonna cry lmao
FELICE ISN'T GOING TO NEW YORK?
OH THEYRE GONNA RUN AWAY TOGETHER
YOUNG ROYALS' GREATEST LOVE STORY EVERYONE
oh my god
oh my GOD
oh man it took one (1) thing she didn't like for krissy to go back to a stuck up bitch
however, I just SCREAMED
there couldn't be any other way now could it
it couldn't have been any other way. truly.
I feel like I can't breathe but in a positive way
LET HIM GO OH MY GOD
omg August's face. bro knows he's fucked
YOU'RE NOT RUNNING AFTER A CAR WILHELM I SWEAR TO GOD
HE GOT OUT OF THE CAE
oh my gOF
OGMT
DID YOU CO IT FOR ME
NO ID DID IT FORNME
I WANT TK BE WITH YOU SIMON
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OVER ME - WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK
NSODKS
DIMLNSNFSCE
SIMON'S FSCE
VESCHEING
IM CRYING
JSL
THEYRE NOT DOING THIS TOMME
NO THEYRE OT
NOSROP
THE GIRLS
og
OG fod
the 4th wall break
no
fuck
fuck
fuck me I'm sobbing
god
what an honor it's been to love this show
thank you thank you thank you
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Chapter 16 of Harrow the Ninth
That diary was probably full of evidence of Gideon's existence, so obviously it had to go. It's a shame, I would have liked to have gotten to read it
"Whilom" is an archaic word for "formerly", I guess to go with the use of "hight" in the first book in e.g. "Lord Priam hight Noniusvvianus" from the letter in Chapter 3. But I think "hight" actually has some decent recognizability (or at least it does to me, maybe mainly/only because I read Le Morte D'Arthur as a teenager), whereas I wonder how many people would actually recognize "whilom" or even parse it as an archaic word, since it frankly looks kinda goofy
I guess this is intended as a visual metaphor for "the Hand of the Emperor"? I've seen Lyctors referred to as Hands now several times, and I think once someone referred to themselves as a finger. Hands seem a little odd, since there were seven original Lyctors (or at least seven who were Saints), unless only the first two are actually considered Hands? But I think I've seen Harrow and/or Ianthe also being referred to as Hands
The narrator continues to criticize Harrow's lack of sword vocabulary. This black rapier was probably Anastasia's, I guess?
I wonder how much of Ianthe's behavior in this book is actually Naberius?
This whole conversation is very interesting. What I get out of this:
Mercy and Augustine have some shared secret from John, and it sounds like they'd both love to tattle on each other but that would mean telling on themselves too, and they absolutely hate each other but are stabilized by a threat of mutually assured destruction
Harrow isn't actually just hallucinating that Cytherea's body has been moving, or has been moved, but neither Mercy nor Augustine are doing it
Augustine thinks Mercy might be planning to tell John whatever the secret is
I'm guessing this refers to the war against BOE and not his struggles with the Resurrection Beasts, indicating that he cares about them more than he's let on to Harrow, and also has a more aggressive role in that war than he's admitted so far
Was A.L. a bodyguard? I'm curious what happened to her. I don't think he absorbed her the way Lyctors absorb their cavaliers, because he already had all of his powers before the Lyctor experiment, if I understand the timeline correctly
I know she's forgotten about Gideon, but didn't her family value her highly? I mean, they also kept reminding her, over and over again that she was 200 dead children and drove her almost to suicide, but I did get the feeling that as far as they were concerned, she was the best, and as far as I'm aware she hasn't lost the memory of that
The narrative again criticizes Harrow's unfamiliarity with swordfighting?
I gather Ianthe is still internally fighting with Naberius?
Did Anastasia have some big disagreement with them over something, and that's why she never came to the Mithraeum? Did she actually die, or is she still around somewhere else?
That's kind of interesting, Harrow's experience of deceiving people for her entire life is quite different than Ianthe's experience of deceiving people for her entire life. Harrow's deception relied on appearing stronger than she was, while Ianthe's relied on appearing weaker than she was, it's not that surprising that Ianthe gets along better with Augustine and Harrow is at more of a social disadvantage here, regardless of the fact that she's also at a necromantic disadvantage as well
So earlier, John said that people die by their souls osmosing into the River, and I wondered why that wasn't happening constantly. Is this the whole reason it doesn't happen constantly? Because Augustine specifically has built a barrier? Obviously people managed to live before Augustine was around, but is there something about living on a thanergenic planet that makes you like, I don't know, closer to the River, or something?
50,000 km in diameter is about the size of Neptune, or Uranus. So if that's meant to be unusually large, this obviously isn't the soul of Neptune or Uranus, let alone Saturn or Jupiter. If the Resurrection Beast numbers match up with the House numbers, Number Seven should be the soul of Venus. I'm not entirely sure that when Augustine says it's 50,000 km in diameter he actually means that there is a planet Venus out there that is that big, or if he's just talking about the diameter of like a swarm of ?heralds? or something, but Ianthe is assuming it's a physical planet and is worried about its gravity well, so let's see if that's actually worrying:
The mass of Neptune 1.024e26 kg, but its density is only 1.64 g/cm^3, because it's a gas giant, whereas Venus's density is 5.24 g/cm^3, over three times as much. So how massive is a planet that's as dense as Venus and as big as Neptune? Neptune's volume is 6.254e13 km^3; so 5.24 g/cm^3 is 5.24e15 g/km^3 is 5.24e12 kg/km^3, multiplied by 6.254e13 km^3 is 3.277e26 kg. But Jupiter's mass is 1.89813e27 kg, that's still like five or six times the mass of this hypothetical Venus-but-its-as-big-as-Neptune planet. I think if they can navigate around Jupiter without issues, they would not have any trouble with this hypothetical planet. It's not like they'd be dealing with something as massive as a star or a black hole, here, and I don't think it's going to be flattening any galaxies, either
I remember when John was explaining about planet souls to Harrow at the beginning of the book, it sounded like conquered planets would eventually die, but would die slowly rather than suddenly. So, I guess sending down the Cohort to kill a lot of people just starts the process of the planet dying, just basically a slower method of how Harrow killed the planet? So it's not just that they're killing people to fuel the necromancers, but actually the whole planet, too. I don't think Harrow's all that unique, it sounds like every necromancer in this universe is also 200 dead children
Ok, so this is all going to be eusocial insect hivemind terminology, then
Is this is the narrator finding Harrow irritating?
Right, so this is why they need to be able to fight
I think this kind of contradicts stuff from earlier? If Lyctors projecting their souls in the River can't be hurt by the ghosts, and the Resurrection Beast is projecting its soul there the same way, then it also shouldn't be able to be hurt by the ghosts, and also, he's saying that the ghosts don't go near the Resurrection Beasts anyway. But previously, we learned that Cassiopeia tried to bait a Resurrection Beast deeper into the River so it would get attacked by ghosts, and she herself was also attacked by the ghosts and died. So can they, or can't they be harmed by the ghosts in this scenario?
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First thoughts on Speak Now (Taylor's Version)
Mine
That first "uh uh uh" 🥺 this song sounds so good; like the 2010 one but so much better.
Sparke Fly
I love that she used a video from tour for the lyric video. 2011 Taylor with her 2023 vocals, quite literally. One of my favourite thing about the rerecordings is how the instrumentals sound a lot clearer. The way she sings "I know it's no good" oh god.
Back To December
I really love the lyric videos. "Then I think about summer all times I watched you laughing from the passanger side" so exceptionally good ugh HER VOCALS.
Speak Now
Underrated bop tbh. The "don't you"!!!
Dear John
Wanted to kms from that first guitar strings. I love that the lyric video is a letter. Idk if I'm imagining but her voice sounds more...haunted (no pun intended) in this version. Of course the high note sounds even better.
Mean
Country bop!!! Another wonderful thing about the rerecording is how better Taylor's gotten at enunciating. She made it to the big old city 🥺.
The Story of Us
A pop punk bop!!! The fact the lyric video's a book wkfkwkf I'm obsessed with the little illustrations!! Again, like the 2010 version but better. NEXT CHAPTER
Never Grow Up
I wasn't emotionally prepared for the way she sings "oh darling" in this. Will I ever be able to listen to this without crying?
Enchanted
A lyrical masterpiece with improved vocals!! This song literally defined my teen years and now I got to listen to it for the first time again. She truly sings "I'm wonderstruck dancing around all along" like a lovestruck teenager. I'm obsessed with the post-bridge breakdown. It sounds like it's literally her thoughts echoing. Using photos from the Speak Now Tour and then changing it up to Eras Tour pictures was soooo mean.
Better Than Revenge
32 years old Taylor telling me to go stand in the corner YESSSSSSS. I love her voice on the opening message. AKFKWKKF HER VOICE IN THE BACKGROUND VOCALS. I don't care about the lyric change! Y'all should move on because there's nothing to do about it. Idk why focus on that one lyric when the best one in the song is the entire second verse like, a lyric genius.
Innocent
Oh god her voice. Can we now admit it's one of her best songs? I hope she rerecorded the song knowing it's okay to still be growing up. That goddamn high note.
Haunted
The fact she sounds actually haunted in this version. VOCALS!!! That squeak on the last "I thought I had you figured out" ...lives were changed.
Last Kiss
Can't believe she somehow made this song even sadder and we just let her. You know when Taylor puts a watch in her lyric video it's gonna be the best song you've ever heard. The "mmmm" before the bridge. SO I'LL WATCH YOUR LIFE IN PICTURES LIKE I USED TO WATCH YOU SLEEP
Long Live
I love that she uses videos from the Speak Now Tour!! Another song that always makes me cry with updated vocals. Her arm lyric reads "She's out there on her own and she's alright." I'M GOING TO SOB
Ours
This used to be my favourite song when I was a kid 🥲. Listening to it again healed something in me tbh. 13 years later and they really couldn't take what's ours.
Superman
This song's my little baby y'all stay away from it. Something in his deep brown eyes has me saying HE'S NOT ALL BAD LIKE HIS REPUTATION. The bridge was always so good and so underrated.
Vault tracks!!
Electric Touch (feat. Fall Out Boy)
I was so hyped for this one. The most important collab she's ever made. I LOVE the production. First date song!! This is like Fearless' older sister. I missed her crush songs kdkfke. Obsessed with her telling the time.
When Emma Falls In Love
Oh a piano song?? This is such a classic Baby Taylor song. "I've got my money on things going badly" -> "when Emma falls in love she calls her mom, jokes about the ways this one could go wrong" "and all the bad boys would be good boys if they only had a chance to love her" -> "I can make the bad guys for the weekend"
I Can See You
I did not expect this. "I can see you up against the wall with me" excuse me??? This song's a reminder Taylor has always been That Girl.
Castles Crumbling (feat. Hayley Williams)
The lyric video's giving "I'd meet you where the spirit meets the bone" literally Nothing New's little sister oh my god what the fuck. This song is a lot quieter and sadder than I expected. Hayley's vocals ekdkekfke GOD. I love it when Taylor uses kingdom metaphors in her songs.
Foolish One
Her voice!!! "You are not the exception" -> "you are the only exception" she will not be the one he loves :// IT'S DELICATE. And "my cards are on the table, yours are in your hand" because she was being honest about her intentions while he was unclear and confusing.
Timeless
Taylor really loves writing songs about her grandparents. What a way to end this album. "Even in a different life you would've been mine"
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Submitted via Google Form: Follow Up - Biomes
Awhile ago I asked about cramming as many biomes as possible. OK, so you do have a very good question as for why I wanted that. Originally this wasn't meant to be expanded upon at all. It was just a part of different story that included this country as a throwaway location where it is mentioned as despite being its small size, it's most famous for being the most biodiverse country for in the entire galaxy where you can find any type of climate and all types of fauna and flora. It was very much an ideal location for teams of scientists to study wildlife and plants. I mentioned it as having 600,000 species. It wasn't meant to be expanded upon. Just listed as a spectacular and wonderous location. I haven't even mentioned the rest of the planet.
However, now I have to actually build this place so I can set a spin off story on it, with my travellers going round the different parts of the island, but still keep what I've said about it. It needs as many biomes and climates so it can have the diversity it needs. I do understand that places with a single biome can be very diverse by itself - like the Amazon rainforest, but that is unfortunately fully contradictory to the description of 'any climate' and 'all types of fauna and flora' if I limit the biomes as many species will not fit in certain biomes. Most of what I need is a physical view that makes sense and trying not to be completely jarring from place to place. I did toy with the idea of making this somehow a fantasy location so actual logic doesn't really need to be considered, but's even more jarring from the rest of the main setting in the universe.
Where do I go from here?
Tex: If this is occurring on a single planet, rather than stretched across multiple planets (dyad, etc), then it’s going to end up being deeply artificial just for the sake of maintaining so many diverse biomes without one encroaching upon another. Whether that comes from technical or fantastical means (or some ratio of both), clustering this on a small planet will be quite difficult naturally.
Another aspect you could lean into would be to take a look at your cycle of autotrophs, heterotrophs, and phototrophs - 600,000 species is easier to model with physically smaller species such as bacteria, archaea, fungi, non-arboreal plants, and small fauna. In some ways it would end up looking like a microcosm, in that the scale is different, but there would need to be some internal reasoning as to why megafauna and megaflora never seem to evolve on that planet.
Maybe you could utilize something about what wavelength of light is available through the planet’s atmosphere? Some combination of available elements that would inhibit large-scale molecules from forming (re: carbon and its ability to have damn near any shape and size) might also be helpful.
Wootzel: It might feel cheap to you, but I think you have the option of just handwaving your previous mentions of this place as misinformation! If someone said it was a “small country” but actually what they were talking about was a large-ish continent located on a small planet, the mixup would be understandable. Depending on how spare on details your throwaway reference was, you could say that the factoid was actually referring to the whole planet! Or, perhaps blame it on a conversion or math error? If it’s 1000 somethings long… not kilometers, but another unit of measurement that’s many km per one.
You could even have someone at that locale comment something like “Such and such textbook maker got it wrong 50 years ago and now every visitor from [area where the characters were when this was first mentioned] thinks we have the highest biodiversity ever. We still do! It’s just not that exaggerated.”
Internal inconsistency can actually make your world more believable if handled similar to how it might go down in real life. People get wrong information all the time, and if you feel able to pull it off, you can just recton some facts about this place as bad information.
Alternatively, if we’re going the handwaving route… maybe you could just avoid focusing too hard on distances and throw together what you feel like? Some biology-oriented readers might raise an eyebrow, but there’s something to be said for presenting a setting as “It is how it is, moving on to the characters and story,” and most of your audience won’t question it too hard.
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Planet Crafter
So, in the discord, a handful of people are asking for certain things.
• T3 Ore Extractors. They're going to be "nerfed". No word on what that means. People have asked that they be limited to mining what's in a given biome, so basically, T2 extractors, just not mining up flotsam as well.
Well, okay, if that happens. I was hoping to reduce the number of teleporters out there, limiting them to the places I actually develop in (such as dropping tree spreaders, butterfly farms, bee farms, other machines), but if that's the direction the dev goes in, I'll deal. (It'd be nice to make the list take up less space in that event, so I don't have to scroll.)
Other options are mining much slower, or still mining up flotsam (but can be placed anywhere). Any of it works, it's just an adjustment. All that time spent working toward getting them as they are now, well.
I've seen complaints that areas are single use. How? You go to a new biome, collect all the mats (and these people are just as likely to not be using Auto-Mine, which means it'd take approximately forever to do so manually, and that's hardly single use), open all the chests, and just never go back?
[Realistically they aren't, because they've got up t1 extractors as soon as they can, which means they're getting all the low-level resources in higher quantities than they can use, hence the use of shredders, even with t2 extractors.]
You kind of have to if you want to mine the resources with an extractor (uranium, iridium, osmium, zeolite, sulfur, etc., and even basic resources—if you've managed to collect all surface nodes and still have things to build, because you may have shredded the excess to cut down on storage requirements, and t1/t2 extractors dig up a lot of "not what I'm after" materials).
Getting a t3 as they currently exist doesn't mean an area is useless. We got plenty of use out of it, it's just we wouldn't have to keep traveling the circuit. (I get it, this kind of stuff extends play time, and gives you something to do while the numbers are going up.)
The Mushroom Cave, after you've collected everything, done the key/door there, read the tablets, and collected as many glowy pink larvae? Yeah, it's useless, unless you've built a base down there. So how does anyone plan to make that not "single use"? It's a biome in its own right!
• More wrecks. Yep, I'd love more wrecks to explore. The suggestion I just saw was for more wrecks to fall on the planet while we're still terraforming. At first glance that sounds cool (and one assumes said wrecks fall into the 5 square km we get to explore and play on). Until…
Now we're back to building inside caves to prevent our bases from being crushed by that latest wreck that just fell out of the sky. (And presumably, everyone on board died when it hit, because the PC is the only living human [biped?] on that planet.
Or, certain areas you're prevented from building in, because the game is reserving that area until said wreck falls. Or…
In any case, I gotta wonder, are we expected to build medical facilities to help the survivors? Build them housing and food production? (Because unless literally everyone on a spaceship carries a multi-tool with a good chipset…)
[How did Ikhlas and Xiaodan build underground to begin with? We can't dig into the surface to create compartments underground (not unless we glitch through), so how did they manage it? Ikhlas was a crash survivor, but Xiaodan was the previous (failed) PC sent.]
Personally, I wonder if someone has the base of their base on the lake bed that those compartments should only flood if they failed to put in an airlock, which would mean a new compartment type to pump out any water when entering from the outside before being able to enter the interior of the base.
• Meteor damage. As before, now we either need new compartments (and machines) that can withstand damage like that, which means rebuilding everything we've done up to this point (for those of us who have saves which last through updates), or starting in a cave, and only building in the open once we can produce these hardened versions of things.
Which, okay. It just means 90% of all people would build in the iridium cave (mushroom is a second, if only because I think that's open from the word go, unlike the greater part of the zeolite cave).
Right now you can build anywhere you get a compartment down, so people are intentionally wanting to limit everyone else's starting choices. And not stating which difficultly level for this meteor damage. (My responding comment was to suggest limiting this to intense or hardcore modes. It's hardly "relaxing" if I have to worry about dying even inside my base due to meteors, despite me playing on "standard".)
It means if you're caught out in the open (exploring, collecting), then slapping a compartment/door combo down to gain some protection means far less, because you could still be smashed.
It means either being a nervous nellie and never moving very far from your cave, or mad dashes across the landscape to place teleporters in various caves so you have safety to retreat to (and hope you have enough for air/food/water).
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Day 9(4/25/24)
There's a lot going on in my head now and I need to get it down. I love Van Van a lot... I do... I really do from the bottom of my heart and tonight... ugh ion know where tf to begin. But I now know the reason why. And I'm glad... It's just well... I want Van Van to express himself and I don't want to force him too if he doesn't want too... Maybe that's why I got so upset and triggered... He did not let me down in any way shape and or form...(The off feeling is gone thank god).... But I know why it happens thankfully... Idk but sometimes when I'm not told why certain things happen... It just upsets me a lot and it gets me very impatient... Fuck.... The last thing I want is to be controlling over my own boyfriend Van. I'd actually kms if I end up trying to control her and force him to tell me what's wrong... I do NOT want to do that period and I don't plan on it.... It's just the pain from other relationships was why I got so upset fuck... Fuck those bitches respectfully....
I love Van Van more than anything and anyone in the ENTIRE world with all my heart no matter what ok? And that will never change, and Van if you're reading this... I'm not gonna ever force you to express yourself or anything for that matter... I'm sorry for what you gone through and you had to get used to closing yourself off... That poor boy... I wish I could just go back in time and make sure he never has to go through ANY of his traumatic events and relationships... I'd do anything just for him and hell I'd bend space and time for that nigga if I want too.
Javo... Javo gives me the fucking ICK! Like somethings off with that nigga I just fucking know it. He gives me bad vibes I don't know why.... Like the predator vibes OR the stay away from them vibes... Like I don't know... But I wanna keep Van away from him. I mean ngl he was cool when Van first talked about him... But then he started getting depressed and shit... Threatened to kill himself and not to mention the nigga just spat in his face when he LITERALLY was busting his ass for him. What Piece of Shit Javo really is. Van didn't deserve that, he already had ENOUGH people spitting in his fucking face. He's a wonderful fucking person with the mindset of a fucking Angel and has a huge ass heart. If he was a kitty I would pamper him with kisses every day and tell him how cute he is... I wish I can tell him at every moment how much I love him and I appreciate him in my life... He's made such an impact and I thank him for it... He's just amazing.... I thank god and fate for having our paths cross together and have us date... I couldn't have asked for a better partner than Van...
But yea Javo gives me the fucking ick. Like he gives off pedo vibes for some reason.... Nigga really trying to be friends and gaslight a 16 year old into being his friend... Like what a fucking weirdo. Van wants nothing to do with his grandpa looking headass. Like come on bro. Hell like I mentioned before... I wanna keep Javo away from him. I don't know... Again I don't trust Javo one bit. And it's not about him taking Van away from me... It's about him putting Van's safety in danger and at risk. He was cool at first but now... Something just doesn't seem right with him.... Like he's talking with someone else potentially underage just cause he can't find love..... Idk... I wanna confront him but I don't think Van would like that... Ugh... Fucking Javo.... Javo... If you EVER touch my Van Van in anyway or hurt her physically or mentally I'll end you... In a very gruesome way... :)....
Okay Anyways.... Van's Asleep now which is good... he deserves some rest after what he's been through tonight... the poor boy.... he really loves me... And he thought he let me down... the truth is... he didn't let me down, but I didn't either. Today was just a good day with a bad ending, but that's okay couples always have bad days, and I know tomorrow we'll bounce back and have a better day. I know we will, and hey our 10 month anniversary is coming up very VERY soon and hey... we're almost at a full year... just 2 more months.... 2 more..... and hey... I got something big planned for Van Van... and on the one year Anniversary of the Rp as well. Yea that one we're going back to Our world that day and we are doing a renewing of our vows and a beautiful family dinner with everyone... it's a shame we killed off Dexi/Dexter... kinda wanna bring his ass back tbh along with Gab- WAIT SPEAKING OF GABE HOW TF DOES DUKE KNOW ABOUT FUCKING GABE 😭😭😭😭😭 HOW?!?!? HOW?!!!!.
Okay I need to go Nini now. Tbh here I feel like tomorrow mwe bwe bwaby wif Van Van.... Owh Fiddlesticks mwe wegwessed ;;-;;... Bweh..... Owh well mwe go Nini now... Nini fwiends.... Nini Van Van Jojo wubs chuuu eepy well....
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St Malo to Nice - Reflections on the ride
Having done LEJOG back in 2019, the chance to do the French equivalent not only seemed too good to pass up, but also presented pretty much a like for like comparison of doing end to end in the 2 countries.
Having had time to reflect on my experiences, I thought I'd share come of the comparative differences with the experiences.
Before I go on though, irrespective of your conclusion of this particular reflection, I would say that both rides are definitely worth doing. They both offer a unique perspective on the country your riding in and are one hell of an experience.
The Tour Organisers
I rode LEJOG with the Deloitte Ride Across Britain event which is effectively owned and managed by Threshold Sports.
I rode St Malo to Nice with Bike Alive.
You cannot get 2 more contrasting experiences in that regards. LEJOG was 800-1000 people. A small army if you like. ST Malo to Nice was 6 riders supported by 1 man and a Van with a trailer.
As you'd expect with the scale oif a ride like LEJOG it's like shifting a small army from basecamp to basecamp. The organisaion has to be tight and regimented and that's exactly what it felt like. You enter the bubble, get swept along within it for 9 days, and then get spat out at the end. It's all encompassing and single-minded in its endeavour.
The route on LEJOG was signposted all the way and the stops were set at roughtly 40-50k intervals. each day, with lunch being the mid-point stop.
St Malo to Nice was alltogether more relaxed. Derek put us at the centerpoint of decision making and gave us the autonomy to decide when to set off and when to stop. He'd set us off, then overtake us and wait up ahead. If we wanted to stop we could or otherwise we'd carry on. He carried all the necessary sustenance (water, bananas, bars, gels, electolytes etc). For lunch he offered to do a picnic from the van, although some of us elected to sort our own lunch from a local boulanger on route. But again, the choice was ours.
As you;d expect, the route wasn't signposted but we instead had maps, but also crucially, followed GPX routes on our Garmins which were perfect 99.9% of the time and for even the .1% of confusion it was pretty obvious which way we were going.
I think both events organise themselves optimally for the scale of the operation and both work perfectly well.
Overnight
On LEJOG we stayed in tents, ready-erected for us, (although a hotel option was there if you wanted it, whereas on StMalotoNice we stayed in 3* hotels.
On LEJOG you got used to the tents and actually came to love them by the end, although the air conditioned rooms of a hotel were wonderful.
On LEJOG you would have to queue for a shower (unless you were one of the faster riders) which always created a bottleneck (understandable when you have that many people) whereas we had ensuite shower (and sometimes a bath) with the French trip.
Sleepwise I'd say I got roughly the same amount of sleep in both tours. This is more down to over-exertion and twitch, sore legs, than anything else.
The Route
Both routes compare in terms of stats.
Roughly 1600 kms and roughly 60,000ft of climing - they are broadly equivalent. LEJOG is done over 9 days whereas St Malo to Nice is done over 10, so what you lose in terms of daily mileage on St Malo to Nice, you make up for with slighly more climbing.
Both routes I would suggest show you some of the best scenes of the country. Unfortunately for LEJOG it also means you get some of the worst. Certainly I felt LEJOG was effectively days 1 and 2 and then days 6 to 9, with the other days being fairly transitional with the odd exception on the other days.
St Malo to Nice was just stunning the majority of the time. In hindsight, days 1-3 were probably the weakest (although I did enjoy riding along the sea on day 1), but that's probably because we got spolt on days 4 onwards. So they weren't bad, they just got blown away by the later stages.
In terms of climbs, France wins it hands-down. You simply don't get the same scale, challenge and end result of the climbs in France on LEJOG.
And for every climb there's a descent and again, France wins this hands down. This is probably contributed by the road surface, but the descents are phenomenal in every way. Long, manageable and fun with terrific views and sweeping landscapes. they were superb.
Other factors
In terms of road surface, no aurprise here, but France wins it hands down as well. The only time we really had a poor road surface was when we came across roadworks re-laying the road surface. The UK could learn so much in this regard.
In terms of driver etiquetts, again the French win hands-down. I think I had 2, what I would class, close passes in France where I get about 5 on a short loop here in the UK. The French just seem more patient, considerate and supportive of cyclists (we got a number of hoots and waves on route) which you simply do not get in the UK. In the UK it's the exception, in France it's the norm.
Summary
As I said in my opening paragraph, both rides are awesome experiences. I really like the idea of riding from one end of a country to the other, and both these rides offer that an do an excellent job at supporting you to achieve your goal.
In hindsight I'm glad I did LEJOG before St malo to Nice because I can't help feeling that LEJOG might have felt underwhelming if I did it the other way around.
Both rides to have transition phases, and any ride like this is going to have those, but France offered up many more breathtaking and uterly awe-inspiring moments than LEJOG. Ultimately though, you are challenging yourself to ride from one end to another, so it is what it is. You have to take the good, the bad with the ugly and that's part of the beauty of a trip like this.
I still love the fact that I've done LEJOG, but I'm equally delighted to have done St Malo to Nice. The real question is, what comes next....
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Long Night
Requested by: @everleigh-davina
Pairing: bff!Jisung x bff!reader (afab) x bff!hyunjin
Genre: smut
Words: 1.2 k
Warning: dom!jisung, dom!hyunjin, sub!reader, threesome (?), jealous!jisung, jealous!hyunjin, elements of fwb, blatant d/s dynamic, choking, degradation, oral sex, dacryphilia, corruption kink, cuckolding, fingering, edging.
Extra Notes: yay, finally i’m back to being a smut writer (im gonna kms if i’m actually referred to that 🧎♀️nothing wrong with it, its just not my cup of tea) and its gOOD TO BE BACK BABY 🤑 idk if it’s because i haven’t written smut in a while, i feel like it’s so weird writing jisung as a dom ngl 💀💀 idk what it is, but it’s natural for hyunjin, but jisung ?!?! its almost disrespectful to put him there, but granted it is a request so im here to fullfill their needs so i hope you enjoyed it 🙏
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This is no way representative of the way Stray Kids act. They’re nothing but references of character, and in no shape or form is this how they act. And I am in no way romanticizing or glamorizing any toxic behavior exhibited, they’re just stories that is meant to be read. Readers discretion is advised.
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“You really think you were slick, huh?”
Jisung harshly spoke as he moved up close to you, making you back away until you bumped into someone behind you, Hyunjin, who matched up the facial expression as Jisung, which was definitely not a smile he was known for.
Both maintained a not-so-sweet expression and you weren’t too sure why is that. The three of you were having a wonderful time at a party, so why did Jisung and Hyunjin just picked you up and dragged you up to a room with anger fueling in their faces?
“What the hell did i do?” You attempted to fight back as you looked at the two furious men, making them look at each other and mocking laugh at your own idiocy that you’re not even aware of showcasing. Jisung grabbed your jaw harshly, making you gasp, “so you’re unaware of how much of a slut you are?“ Jisung tsked at your cluelessness, which made Hyunjin snicker darkly and you furrowing your eyebrows in confusion.
”What are you talking abou—what’s with you two?”
”So you really just going to act like you didn’t just throw yourself onto Minho like that?” Hyunjin smiled, but it was a menacing smile, you knew that just based on his tone hitting your ears from behind you, as he held onto your arms, restricting you from any movements, while Jisung mirrored his exact facial expression, getting it close to you, leaving you to gulp at the strong grip and gaze from both sides.
You and the two men have a rather.. interesting relationship. The three of you were best friends for a couple of years now and as time passes by, it gets more stronger and intense, now you three get to see more of each other no one else saw, literally. You don’t remember how it started, but you remembered it started between you and Jisung. The two of you were one day talking in his bed, and one thing let to another and suddenly clothes were shed off of your bodies and the room was filled with the scent of sex.
You two weren’t by any means attracted to each other romantically, but you certainly do not mind the activities you both partake in. You both couldn’t lie, you guys are very attractive, regardless of relatioship status. And Hyunjin seems to agree, as he always compliments both of you.
Suddenly, he has slowly started to get involve with both of your shenanigans. It started when he practically walked in on you two, naked and inside of each other. He would lie that he didn’t find that hot, so he straightforwardly asked if he can join, to which you both didn’t say no, and the rest was history.
Which leads us to you being put in between both of your best friends, absolutely horrified, yet aroused over the way you’re put into a vulnerable position. However, you stood your ground and gave a stern look, despite only looking at Jisung, the expression was directed to both men. ”So what if I did? Neither of you are my boyfriend, so be—“ your words were cut by a sudden grip on your neck from behind, makinh you gasp at the sudden action. Hyunjin from behind smirked and got closer to your ears, whipsering “know your place, whore.”
”Just because we’re not your boyfriends, doesn’t mean you can go around and be a slut,” Jisung proceeded, getting his face even closer.
You felt trapped, like as if you cannot move.
Jisung backed away, “on your knees,” he commanded you, and pointed downwards, his finger and voice automatically tranced you to go down, your bare knees touching the cold ground of your bedroom. You looked down in fear, shame and arousal, making hyunjin roughly pull your hair up, your head pulled back harshly, making you moan at the sudden movement.
“I’ll take it from there,” Jisung nodded at Hyunjin, pulling taking your hair instead of his hand. Hyunjin backed away and sat on the chair, observing you two. You were looking up, lips quivering, while Jisung was looking down at you with a villainous smile, unbuckling his belt while his hand is still in your hair.
”Open wide, princess,” Jisung said, knowing the petname made you weak. Your lips were shaking but your mouth were ultimately open wide. After Jisung successfully took off his pants and boxers, revealing his erected length, which slapped you upon its release, he held your jaw, “now, suck like the whore you are.”
You nodded, as you pushed your own head down his length, attempting to push aside your gag reflex as it hit the back of your throat. Jisung took full control of the pace and the way your head go, as he thrusts upon your throat, throwing his head back in pleasure.
While your throat was used for Jisung’s pleasuing needs, behind you can sense Hyunjin’s intense eyes were on you, however he wasn’t just silently sitting and admiring the scenery in front of him. His breathing were shaky and you can hear rubbing noises, thats when you know he was indeed touching himself.
Your eyes were getting teary as Jisung’s pull on your hair were getting rougher, however he senses his release getting close as his cock twitches into your mouth, and his moans and grunts were breaking. He twists his head down towards you, and says ”you’re going to swallow up all of it, you got that, slut?”
If you could only nod, but too bad your head was occupied by Jisung’s hand. Meanwhile, Hyunjin’s hand movements were getting faster at the sight in front of him, he sees your mascara running down your face, and he went absolutely wild with it, rolling his head back as he felt himself also nearing his release.
Jisung’s moaned as he spills his all down your throat, on cue with Hyunjin’s orgasm as well. You felt warm liquid going down your throat, and remembered the promise you gave to Jisung. Once he released himself out of your mouth, your mouth closed almost instantly, hesitant to swallow the content in the back of your throat. The way he was looking at you was a silent command to you to swallow.
You looked up at him, eye make up smeared, black tears running down your cheeks, and glossy, puppy eyes were on his face as you swallowed everything with a slight grimace. After the action, you sighed and stuck out your tongue out for him.
The smirk grew on his face, as he held your jaw, ”look at that, Hyunjin,” he pushed your head to Hyunjin’s direction, your eyes met with Hyunjin‘s face, giving him a clear view of your throat. Despite his disheveled hair was covering his 70% of his face, you can still distinguish the dark, lust filled in his eyes.
“The whore got all it down,” Jisung continued making Hyunjin snicker while he started to unbutton his shirt. Your tongue were put back in your mouth, and closing it with a pout. Jisung let go of your chin and pushed you onto Hyunjin, your face landing onto his feet.
“You take care of her, I’m gonna go get cleaned up and I’ll be back with extra stuff,” and there after he announced, he was out of the room, and now you were on the ground, not daring to look up at the man seated in front of you.
“Look at me,”
His voice was dark and you felt yourself shaking at the rumble of his voice. You slowly looked up at him, and sat up for him to have a clearer look. He just examined your pitiful state, and how he enjoyed seeing you like this. If he could he could take a picture of you right now, he would, but he would save it for another time.
He looked down at you, blank stared, “take off your clothes.”
The only ability you were capable of doing was follow his and Jisung’s order, so you stood up and began undressing yourself. Once you were bare in front of him, you felt embarrassed as he was just looking at you without any expression, but his eyes were saying otherwise.
He began rubbing his lap, “come here,” his voice was hushed. He may be very dominant and rough, but his actions and commands were less sporadic than Jisung’s so you couldn’t help but feel even weaker with Hyunjin.
Once you were sat in his lap, he hissed at the sensation of your wet core hitting his skin. “You enjoy getting humiliated like that don’t you?” He snickered, as he began holding you closer to him and his fingers drumming your knees. All you could was look down in shame, which made Hyunjin pull your face back to him, “keep your eyes on me, got it?”
You nodded back at him, biting your bottom lips, while he smirks at you, “good,” and there he pulled you in a kiss. It was very heated and wanton in nature, with his tongue being dragged against yours. Without you realizing, his fingers were placed in between your thighs, slowly beginning to touch your wet slit. Once his fingers landed on it, you moaned into this mouth with the slight drag of his fingers into your clit.
His fingers started to create circular movements right along your clit before he ultimately started to shove his two fingers into your wet hole, making you moan even louder and throwing your head back. Instead of throwing your head back at him like he and Jisung were doing earlier, Hyunjin began diving in into your neck started to mark up the empty skin, while his fingers were still doing all the work.
His fingers hitting the spots whilst his thumb was playing around the bud on top. His mouth moved from your neck down to your chest, your mewls were getting louder as you felt yourself getting closer.
”I’m close..”
You moaned out, but Hyunjin stopped his movement and removed his fingers out of slit, making you whine over the lack of penetration and clenching onto nothing.
“You thought I was going to be easy on you?” Hyunjin questioned, venomous in his tone, which made you pout in fear. As if on cue, Jisung walked in with a rope in one hand and a vibrator in his other, making you look horrified into whats to come.
“Is she ready?” Jisung questioned Hyunjin.
He looked at you, with an evil grin, and then back at Jisung.
”Yes, she is.”
It’s going to be a long night for you….
#stray kids scenarios#stray kids smut#stray kids fanfic#stray kids imagines#stray kids oneshot#hwang hyunjin x reader#hwang hyunjin scenarios#hwang hyunjin smut#hwang hyunjin imagines#hwang hyunjin fanfic#han jisung x reader#han jisung smut#han jisung fanfic#han jisung imagines#han jisung scenarios#skz scenarios#skz smut#skz fanfic#skz imagines
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Panopticon: Chapter 27: War Path
Alpha Steve x Omega Reader
Summary: Steve is livid and tries to find you but somebody keeps putting obstacles in his way. You, on the other hand, get to meet the devils and learn some harsh truths.
Warnings: a/b/o dynamics, angst, abduction, slight mentions of torture, life in captivity, lying, swearing, mentions of violence against women, shitty people in general, loads of feels, I would hope, mentions of suicide, mentions of death
Word Count: 3800
A/N: Du dun… Who is ready for some angst? Many of you weren’t happy that we’re taking this route, but it needed to happen because the world is full of assholes who try to make people unhappy. Anyway, so excited about this one, and I can’t wait for you to tell me what you thought. Love you all!! xx
Series Masterlist __ Masterlist
< Previous Chapter
“That won’t help to find my Omega, so no!” Steve yelled across the whole room, and even the experienced Alpha fighters gathered in the room couldn’t help but shudder at Steve’s authoritative voice. They were trying to help, coming up with new ideas to try and bring the Circle down, or at least make somebody from the inside communicate with them to tell Steve and his team the location of his Omega. But no idea was good enough for Steve.
It had been four days. Four days without his precious Omega, and Steve felt like he was slowly losing his mind. He desperately needed you next to him, just to feel your warm, soft skin pressed against his, or to see the light in your eyes whenever you looked at him. But he had nothing.
He often saw broken Alphas after all that went down on Earth a few years ago, and while he couldn’t really imagine what they must have been feeling at that time, walking like dead men, some of them on the brink of death because they just couldn’t handle their lives without their loved ones, Steve understood it all now.
He knew he had to concentrate because he felt you in his veins, felt that you were alright considering the circumstances and, most importantly, that you were still alive. That was the sole reason why he didn’t end it yet. But he was hanging on a thread because each day and night he had to spend without you, his mind was going just a little more insane. He was hearing your voice and this morning, he even saw you standing by the bed. He was elated, but when he blinked a few more times, he realised that it was his brain playing tricks on him and that none of what had happened was just a nightmare.
Moreover, he had to orchestrate a funeral for Peter and Gamora. The sadness over their loss was embedded deep in Steve’s soul, and he knew he would never get over it, even if he got you back. When he got you back, he scolded himself every time he thought of it, but it was to no avail. The desperation and pain seeped deep into his bones, and the once positive Alpha, who used to be full of life was just a walking shell of numbness.
Sam and Bucky tried to pick up the mood in the room now and then, but they knew all too well that there was nothing they could say or do to make the situation better. The only thing Steve really needed was to get you back, and they empathised with him. Moments after the realisation hit them that you were indeed gone, they rushed to their own huts to check on their own mates. Their bonds felt fine, but the fucked-up situation got into their heads, and they needed to see their loves for themselves. Both Meera and Tina were sitting comfortably in their houses, unaware of the terror going on just mere meters away from them. They all spent the afternoon scenting and crying, their hearts clenching for their friend who was lost in his thoughts and his pain.
But Steve tried to come up with a solution. He knew Rumlow would take you somewhere far, but not far enough not to brag about it. The circle was almost a day drive so Steve would have bet Rumlow’s hiding place was somewhere between his own house and the hell house they called the Omega haven. But that was still too much land to cover just by foot or by car, since there were so many abandoned houses and warehouses, not even talking about all the hidden places deep in the forests. So, just going somewhere blindly was not an option.
Then, he thought of using what was left of the functioning camera system between the city and his lands, trying to see if he could pinpoint at least the direction where Rumlow and his team went. But he came up with nothing since most of the cameras had been destroyed soon after the war had started.
Steve even thought of taking some military dogs and making them sniff your clothes to find you, but that would mean hundreds of kilometres to search, and that was just impossible. Every single thing Steve came up with was a nonsense, and the longer he couldn’t figure out how to find you, the more desperate and angry he had become. His people knew it was nothing personal, but his yelling and blaming was sometimes too difficult to bear for any of them. Steve knew he was being a dick, and he apologised every time his nerves got the better of him, but it was like he couldn’t do anything about it.
It was when Bucky spoke up with a guilty look that Steve finally got a good idea from somebody. Not that he particularly liked it, but it was something useful at last, and Steve was actually quite angry with himself for not thinking of it sooner. The idea was to call Peggy because she was always able to find Rumlow a little easier than the rest of the world. How that worked exactly Steve never asked, because Peggy was one of those who kept their work pretty shut, and she wouldn’t brag or even talk about it, so Steve had barely any idea of what Peggy really did. There used to be times when he minded when it drove him up the wall, but not anymore. He didn’t care how she did it, the only thing Steve needed was to get you back.
He called her almost immediately, listening to her smooth voice as she assured him that she would devote a majority of her time to help him because, after all, she still cared for him very much. Steve thanked her from the bottom of his heart and resolved to wait for her to come back to him since there was literally nothing else to do for him but to wallow in his pain.
Surprisingly, it only took a few hours for Peggy to reach out and tell Steve that she might have found him. His heart started beating like crazy as if feeling that he might be getting you in his arms sooner than he expected. Peggy told him that she got the memo that Rumlow was hiding in an old warehouse south of the manor, around 70 kms away, and Steve just growled, knowing he was kind of right in his assumptions. He quickly gathered his team, not really speaking much, but they all understood. This was a life or death mission because most of the team was sure Steve wouldn’t survive that if they didn’t find you.
Steve pretty much jumped out of a moving car when they neared the building, and he got to work immediately, going into the commander mode, assigning roles and talking strategy for when they would come in contact with Rumlow’s team. Everything was meticulously planned, and Steve had a good feeling about that. The only issue was that he couldn’t smell you. But he simply thought that he was still far enough to be able to do that and that they were probably keeping you in some shutoff room.
The closer to the building they got, however, the weirder the whole situation felt. No men were standing outside on the lookout, there were no specific smells to tell the team that there were indeed people hiding inside, and when they finally got in, they found the place completely empty.
They rummaged through all the rooms, even in the basement and on the roof, but the only thing they got was some cloth lightly smelling like Rumlow, but not enough to tell them how long ago he was at the warehouse. Steve screamed in frustration because there was no sign of you, not even a hint of your smell that he so helplessly craved.
Bucky and Sam shared distressed looks before they each grabbed Steve from one side and brought him back to the car, hollering at the whole team that the mission was over and that they needed to come back home. Steve didn’t speak the entire ride back, just staring out of the window, thinking of all the times you two would take such rides to and from the city, always discussing new books or just sharing stories from your youths. Steve now found that he took these moments for granted. He enjoyed them, sure, but not enough. There was the nagging voice telling him that he should have done more, that he ought to have taken you with him to that fucking meeting, and none of this would have happened.
“Stop it, punk. None of this is your fault so stop with the self-blaming and call Peggy to tell you what the fuck happened that her tip wasn’t true,” Bucky interjected Steve’s thoughts, and as many times before, Steve wondered whether Bucky could just read him like an open book or if he had a direct link to his brain. Steve shook his head and dialled the number.
“So, happily ever after?” Peggy said smugly, and if she stood anywhere near Steve, he swore he would have hit her.
“Nothing and nobody’s fucking happy, Peggy. Nobody was there except for some piece of cloth that was supposed to smell like Rumlow. Who the fuck gave you this tip? I need to find my Omega, and I don’t have the time to drive around the city and march into every single abandoned building just because you have a hunch. I need real information, Peggy, and if you can’t give that to me, then you’re just wasting my time,” Steve said more tiredly than anything else, but Peggy’s face contorted in annoyance on the other end of the line.
“I never waste your time, Stevie, you remember that. Look, I thought the info was top-notch, but I’ll keep looking. How about I come to your place, and we can think of a plan together?”
“Yeah, yeah whatever, it definitely can’t harm us. I’ll be expecting you,” Steve sighed and hung up, nodding at Sam who was watching him through the rearview mirror.
“Peggy said she’d come and help from the mansion. I mean, I’d rather have the whole fucking team together looking for Y/N, but I can’t fly everyone here from god-knows-where, so anyone who wants to join in is welcomed.”
Sam nodded but didn’t like it one bit. He understood that Steve was desperate, but Peggy was and had always been bad news, and Sam had a hard time trusting her even back in the days when they had to fight side to side. All the secrecy surrounding her just stank, and Sam was sure he’d keep an eye on her, just in case. He wanted everything to go over smoothly for Steve, and nobody needed a sneaky bitch who would throw them under a train the second she got a better deal from the opposing side.
You let your hand slide on the ground underneath you. It was rough with what felt like small rocks that were cutting you in the palm. You were seated, and your whole body hurt since you have been in this position for hours. Nobody talked to you since they killed your friends and abducted you. They just blindfolded you and tied you up, changing positions every few hours probably to disorient you since you doubted anybody really cared how comfortable you were. All you could do was rely on your senses and learn as much about your surroundings as you could. You weren’t even sure why you cared, but your brain couldn’t take thinking about anything related to Steve, so you busied it by making sure you knew everything you could.
You learned that there were three places they would keep you in. You presumed that they were all in one room, but they changed whether you were sitting or lying down. You weren’t even sure what time it was and slept when they put you laid you down. Nobody ever touched you inappropriately, and that’s how you assumed not one of those people was Rumlow.
The first place they would let you sit in was in an old crinkly chair made of rough wood as you had a few splinters from rubbing your hands against the arm-holders. It had four metal legs, and from the sounds, it made every time you shifted, you thought it was a rather old and overused piece of furniture.
The second place was where you were sitting now. It was by the wall, which was cold and smelt of moss, and you even though you sensed death a few times, you knew that was just your exhausted brain playing games with you. The ground was full of rocks and shards of glass, so it was your least favourite place to be of the three. The ground was colder than all the other areas, and every time they made you stand up, there was a wet patch where your ass touched the ground as the coldness accumulated against your hot body, making you wish you could just change. But your abductees would never answer to your pleas, so after what you assumed were a few days, you just gave up asking them altogether.
The third place was a makeshift bed, created out of a few pieces of wood pushed together and an old and smelly mattress. You tried to ignore all that the smell evoked in you, but you sometimes choked on your own saliva as you shifted and changed position, getting another whiff of what smelt like a hundred of butts and sweat. But it was a mattress, and you could get a few hours of sleep, so you couldn’t dwell on the details.
When you found out everything there was with your surroundings you tried to pay attention to your abductors. And while you couldn’t say precisely how many there were, you had a pretty good idea. As you were an Omega, blindfolded and cuffed, they always came alone, and you recognised each of the people by their steps. There were four of them, each of them having differences in their weight, the length of their steps and the carefulness with which they handled you. That’s how you came up with the number of four.
Number two was by far your favourite. They (you assumed it was a he but you couldn’t be sure) would always leave you alone even when you needed to use the bathroom. You knew they were in the room, but they had the decency to at least not physically touch you, and, in your mind, you created this picture that the person even turned around to leave you to do your business. They would also give you the biggest amount of water, seeing how you were parched because number four was a complete asshole and would always allow only a gulp before he drastically took the cup away from your mouth.
And that was your days, filled with diverting your brain from thinking about the graver questions, like where were you, would Steve ever find you, what did they want from you, etc. Every time any of those popped up in your head, you choked up, and had to start touching your surroundings or else you’d have gone insane by now.
It was when number three was supposed to come and let you sleep that you heard it. It was faint, but your ears perked up at anything that wasn’t your own breath or the sound of boots of your abductors hitting the ground. And this was neither. These were human voices talking about something behind the door. Your heart-rate picked up immediately because, while you hated the routine of four guards and three positions, you also knew that routine was good. Anything that was out of the routine could possibly mean death to you, and you tried to do anything to avoid that. The voices grew nearer, and you shuddered involuntarily, bracing yourself.
When the door opened, the cold air hit your face, and you hid it between your shoulder blades.
“Well, well, well, here is the famous Omega the world is searching for. You look so pathetic, it’s actually quite funny,” you heard a female voice say, and your brows knitted together. You heard it before, you just couldn’t place the voice for the life of you.
“Yeah, well, the sooner she stops pining for that pathetic excuse of an Alpha and becomes mine, she will look much better. I mean, not that anybody’s gonna see her since she is just an Omega pussy, but she is my Omega pussy, so,” the man trailed off, and you didn’t have to think to place this voice. This voice haunted your worst nightmares, so you were pretty familiar with it.
Rumlow
“Whatever, Rumlow. All we need is to get rid of her mating mark, and we’ll be good. Steve called me and found the warehouse where I sent him empty, and I, as a devoted friend, told him I’d help him from the mansion so I’ll have easy access to him and I will divert him from here if need be. You just need to do what you must so that I can have him back,” the woman spat, and it was as if a light bulb switched on. God, you felt stupid for not suspecting she had her ugly fingers in this. Fucking Peggy who obviously wanted Steve back even when she visited him all those months ago.
And while it was nice that Steve didn’t feel the same, this woman was clearly a maniac, and she wouldn’t stop at anything to get what she wanted.
But, there was one more thing that caught your attention. They wanted to get rid of your mating mark, and the thought paralysed your whole body. There were only a few ways to do that to any mated couple, and none of them was humane or accepted by most people. You’ve heard of Omegas trying to sever their bonds as they didn’t like who chose them, and so they cut a clean line across their mark, but even then the bond couldn’t be severed completely. There was also the option of just biting an Omega hard enough where their mates’ mark was, and trying to beat mark with a mark.
You also heard that true mates were inseparable, and while Bruce told you that you were true mates, you could never know for sure. The inseparableness of true mates could just as well be some old maid tales, it was one of the things your mother used to tell you, but you had no idea where the truth was.
The only thing you did know was that however they wanted to do it, you would go through hell, both physically and mentally, and that there was a more than likely chance that you would die in the process.
“You’re not afraid she’ll die on you?” Peggy asked more curious than concerned because, for her plan to work, your ties with Steve had to be cut. She would have preferred killing you since it was easier, quicker and with long-lasting results. But Rumlow had been obsessed with you ever since he lost the fight with Steve back at the Circle. When Peggy heard about it, she just scoffed and told him he was an idiot, because if he would have called her, she could have just snuck you out without anyone knowing and they wouldn’t have been in this mess.
“I mean, there’s always the possibility, but I’m not letting her run around with his mark. I wouldn’t like pounding a pussy marked by somebody else. Besides, she’s stronger than she looks, isn’t it right, pussycat?” Rumlow asked, for the first time addressing you. But you knew better than to talk, so you just remained quiet, and from the low hum coming from his mouth, you assumed it was a good decision.
“And what if that bullshit about true mates is real?”
“Oh, please, not you too. Nothing like true mates exists, Peggy, I told you. Some just smell nicer to particular individuals than others, that’s it. I don’t even know why we’re losing time talking about this. Go and do whatever you want with Steve and his estate and I’ll just do what I want with this one,” Rumlow rumbled, and the next thing you heard was the clicking of high-heels against the hard floor, leaving you alone in the room with the devil.
“Now, sweetheart, I think we should begin, hm?”
“Oh, Stevie, you don’t look good. Here, let me bring you to your bedroom so you can rest and the team and I will search for your mate in the meantime, hm?” Peggy suggested nicely, and Steve nodded, happy there was somebody who could possibly save you. But before she put her claws on his arm, Sam appeared out of nowhere and stopped her hand. She hissed like a cat and Sam gave her an are-you-fucking-kidding-me look.
“I think it would be better if you stayed down here, Peggy, as you said, you are such a valuable asset to this team that I wouldn’t want to you to waste your time by going with Steve here. I will accompany him to his bedroom so that he can get some sleep, and, meanwhile, you can work with Bucky,” Sam smirked but didn’t wait for her response as he led Steve towards the staircase and up to his bedroom. There was no fucking way in hell Sam would let Peggy be with Steve alone. And since he shared his worries with Bucky, there were two of them looking out for their best friend, which left Peggy in a tough position.
She watched Sam and Steve leave the room, and Bucky would laugh hadn’t it been such a delicate situation, because Peggy really looked like the Goddess of Revenge. That just further proved Sam’s theory about Peggy being fishy, to say the least, and Bucky was starting to question whether she didn’t have something to do with your disappearance.
Peggy saw right through them, and she smirked to herself. If they wanted to play games with her, so be it. She would get Steve alone and inject the serum in him she had been making for so long, and they would finally live happily ever after. Just like they were supposed to. All she needed was to stay close to Steve for a couple of days, get him alone enough times, and he would be all hers.
/ Next Chapter >
Tags will be in reblogs xx
#a/b/o#a/b/o dynamics#alpha beta omega#alpha steve#alpha steve rogers#alpha steve omega reader#alpha steve rogers fanfic#alpha steve rogers x omega reader#alpha steve rogers imagine#alpha steve x you#Steve Rogers#steve rogers fanfiction#steve rogers imagine#steve rogers story#steve rogers series#alpha steve rogers series#steve rogers angst#omegaverse#omega reader#Avengers#avengers fanfiction#marvel#marvel fanfiction#MCU#MCU fanfiction#apocalypse au#angst#series#multiple chapters#peggy carter
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Interview with Members Selected Through Open Audition 2 - Aoyama Nagisa
The school idol group “Liella!”, born from the “Love Live! Superstar!!” project. Continuing on from Date Sayuri on our previous issue, we asked Aoyama Nagisa, voice of Hazuki Ren, to tell us about her path through the auditions.
I want to acknowledge my past self for being determined to get accepted, and for taking the first step forward.
After quitting classical ballet, which I'd done for thirteen straight years
I discovered the joy of performing in front of an audience
Aoyama-san, I heard that you had a history in the performing arts even before being selected through the general auditions for “Love Live! Superstar!!”. Could you tell us a little more about what you did?
I did classical ballet for thirteen years, starting when I was four, so I’d always enjoyed dancing on stage. However, when I started high school, I decided to quit ballet because I wanted to challenge myself to do something else. So I joined the volleyball club, since I was terrible at it (laughs). It was the strictest club at my high school, so I had a tough time. But, through it I was able to get better at volleyball. I also managed to build up mental resilience through my time there, so it was all good.
So you put yourself in a challenging environment on purpose…!
By then I had distanced myself from dance for a while. But in my last year of high school, I performed in the musical “Sound of Music” during our cultural festival, which made me realize how much I enjoyed it. That was when I discovered that what I want to do in life is to sing and dance on stage, to become someone else, to act as someone else. After that, I joined the acapella and musical clubs at university. At the same time, my parents told me that if I didn’t manage to deliver any results by my fourth year in university, they would stop supporting me. So, I knew I had to have something to show for it, no matter what. I did want to continue performing in musicals, but I decided to quit the musical club at the end of my second year and started challenging myself to participate in beauty pageants to make myself known to the world, as a means of gaining my parents’ approval. The main judging criteria for beauty pageants were how much engagement we got on social media and the number of views we got on our live streams, so I spent virtually all my free time live streaming. As I was doing that, my parents started casually putting pamphlets for job-hunting seminars on my desk and pestered me to start job-hunting, so that got me really frustrated. However, that was also when I started slowly landing some photoshoots for magazine features and some acting roles.
You were developing your career as a performer without joining a talent agency?
Actually, I was attached to an agency provisionally for about half a year. That was right before the audition for the new “Love Live!” series was announced, so the timing was perfect. I wanted more than anything to pass the auditions, and I also regarded it as a chance to test how good I really was. So I consider myself to be really lucky.
Giving μ's training camp regime a shot?!
Challenging myself to a 10 km run but giving up
How did you come to know about the “Love Live!” series?
I first watched μ's perform in 2015, on Kohaku Uta Gassen. That was when I first found out that voice actors sing and dance on stage as well. I have a female cousin the same age as me, and she’s a huge fan of the “Love Live!” series. She told me passionately about how touched she was after attending μ's Final Live, so I decided to give the anime a watch. That was also about when “Love Live! Sunshine!!” started airing. When I started watching it together with my cousin, I got completely hooked… (laughs). The never-give-up spirit in the story and the wonderful songs pulled me in. I also watched “Love Live!” after that!
Which part of “Love Live! Sunshine!!” resonated with you the most?
I was really amazed by how the cast grew and developed in tandem with the members of Aqours. Of course you could see the characters developing in the anime, but you can also tell that they’re constantly evolving by comparing their latest songs to their first single or comparing their live performances. You could just tell that the cast members are working so hard to improve themselves and their performances. Seeing them made me realize that we, as humans, have an amazing potential to grow, and that gave me the courage to give it my all as well. That also made me want to support them all the more.
Are there any plotlines from the “Love Live!” series that you particularly like?
Personally, I love the training camp arc in “Love Live!”. The training regime that Umi-chan [1] developed contained both running and long-distance swimming, and after watching that I wanted to give it a try myself, so I did just that. But, well, there was no way I could run a full ten kilometers just like that right from the start… I tried my best to replicate the training regime as much as I could, but I couldn’t do it in the end (laughs wryly).
Are there any characters that you particularly like?
I love Ruby-chan [2], she’s just so cute! She’s rather shy and started off as a girl who constantly hides behind others, but seeing her try her very best to change that part of herself was just… I love it! (laughs). She pays close attention to the people around her, and is able to muster up the courage to say what needs to be said. Her voice and the way she reacts is just so cute, and I love how pure her character is.
Deciding to apply right on the spot!
Going into the first screening round with the mindset that I’d definitely make it
The new project was announced in January 2020, at “Love Live! Fest”. How did you first hear about the news?
I couldn’t watch “Love Live! Fest” in real time, so I first heard about it from my cousin. I’ve always loved the “Love Live!” series, and I also wanted to challenge myself to do something new, so I made the decision to apply right away. I was a little uneasy about the voice acting part, though. I never really liked my own voice, but since this was an audition for the “Love Live!” series I’d been chasing after all this time, I decided to challenge myself.
Another significant factor was that the age limit for the audition was up to twenty-two years old. There may be more auditions in the future, but there was no way for me to know how many more years it’d take for them to happen, so this was my last and only chance due to my age. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I had no choice but to apply, that I really wanted to get accepted.
How did you tackle the first screening round?
I came up with a thirty-second long self-introduction, and since I wanted to practice my singing as much as I could, I didn’t submit my application until right before the deadline. For the singing part, I watched concert footage to figure out how the songs were being performed and discussed it with my cousin after recording a few different takes. She gave me some advice, like “I can hear your emotions a little better in this one, so why not go with this?”
The second round that happened in a white-backed studio
Attending the remote audition fully prepared
The second audition round was supposed to take place on-site, but was changed to a remote audition. How did you feel about this change?
I thought I’d be attending the audition in-person with a panel of more than ten judges in the audience at first, so being able to express myself in a space with only me in it was rather advantageous for my mental state. However, I realized that some parts of my appeal might not convey that well through a screen, so I made sure to address that problem. We could just attend the audition from home, so that was what I planned to do at the start. But I decided to rent out a studio for the day in the end because I was concerned about the backdrop during the audition. I put my smartphone where my entire body could be seen, and even adjusted the lights to make sure the conditions were perfect. Since I wanted to perform a theater dance [3] during the free segment, I thought that dancing against a white backdrop would be best so that I could be seen more clearly. I rented the studio for my practice sessions as well, checking my choreography in the mirror as I practiced. I remember being nervous on the day itself, but I also remember having fun once I started singing and dancing.
How did the audition round go?
I had no idea what the other participants were like, so I can’t really comment on that. But I mentioned being good at acting as a particular character in my written application, and they actually picked up on that. I had the opportunity to show that off in the second round, and even the third round later (laughs). It seemed like the judges enjoyed it. I remember swiping to refresh my inbox to check whether I’d received any new emails about once every hour until the results were released. But no matter how much I did that, the email never came, so I remember being very fidgety while waiting.
Not mentioning my love for the “Love Live!” series on purpose!
Getting through the third round with an impactful performance
After clearing the second round, next came the third round. This time, you could actually gather physically, and I heard that the third round was conducted in groups. How did it go?
I had loads of fun! We played Charades as a group at the start, so that loosened me up quite a bit. I also managed to perform like I did during my rehearsals. I remember one of the judges saying that they were surprised at how I was completely silent at the very start, but suddenly became very talkative after the game of Charades (laughs). Also, everyone else mentioned how much they loved the “Love Live!” series in their self-introduction, so I decided not to mention it on purpose to differentiate myself from the crowd. Because of that, when I received the news that I had cleared the third round, I was asked whether I had watched “Love Live!” before. I immediately responded with a “Of course I have!” (laughs).
I guess you were quite the unusual applicant (laughs). How did the third round go?
During the singing portion, one of the judges commented that they could tell I had spent quite a bit of time practicing, and that I managed to hit most of the notes. They then proceeded to ask whether I had attended singing lessons, so that made me quite glad. That comment probably made me more confident in myself, since it seemed to imply that I had managed to leave a good impression (laughs).
Oh, and they asked me to act as that character from the second round again at the very end…! I really did give that my all, so maybe that was the thing that stuck in their minds! (laughs)
How did you react when you received the news that you managed to make it to the final round?
I immediately went into a victory pose, like “All right!” (laughs). I did the same thing as the previous round, with the constant swiping of my inbox. I was really happy, and broke the news to my parents that I managed to make it this far. The email also came with the things I had to prepare for the next round, so I switched into preparation mode for the next round rather quickly.
Arriving at the audition venue in tip-top condition!
Getting through the final round determined not to think about failing
And the day of the final audition round finally came. How did the day start for you?
As I was attending the various audition rounds, I started running and working out every day from around July. I wanted to build up my stamina. Now, I run about five kilometers a day. I couldn’t run the full ten kilometers when I tried out Umi-chan’s routine, but I think I could do it now! I also went to the city pool to swim on my off days. I never used to do that up till then, but I thought that I needed stamina to be a part of the Love Live! cast, so I continued. I woke up at around five in the morning on the day of the final audition round and started the day with a run and a workout. After that, I got into the shower, had breakfast, and headed to the venue. I took the train there, but I decided to get off one stop before the actual venue and walked the rest of the way instead. That warmed my body up, so I arrived ready to dance at any moment.
When you arrived at the venue, did anything in particular catch your attention?
My turn was near the end for both the third and final rounds, so I pretty much had no idea how many other people were accepted for each round. When I was backstage having my makeup put on, I could hear the others in the performance hall through a television screen. I remember that they were all really good at singing, which made me realize that everyone who made it to the final round was really good. At the same time, listening to their performances also gave me the determination to do my best.
How did the stage performance go?
All of the judges’ expressions were terrifying! They all had serious looks on their faces, shifting their gazes between me and their documents as if they were trying to compare me with my profile. I was terrified. I knew I couldn’t let myself be swept up by the atmosphere, so I performed with my gaze firmly on the seats on the second floor, deciding not to look down, no matter what. The singing portion came first, and that was the first time I found myself shaking during an audition. But once I started singing, my nervousness faded away, and I got into the groove and managed to have fun while performing. I was used to singing on stage since I was part of the acapella club, so I was glad I had that experience. I had planned to just concentrate on singing without any unnecessary movements at first, but I thought it’d be more interesting for those in the audience if I made some hand movements and performed some simple choreography, so I started moving my body a little. The last part was acting with a partner. We read out our lines together before the actual performance, so we reassured each other that we’d do fine before going up on stage. There were only the two of us on such a huge stage, and we didn’t even have mics, so I acted while making sure to project my voice as loudly as I could.
How did you find the final round?
When I left the stage after thanking the judges, things I knew I could’ve done better just flooded my mind all of a sudden, and I felt disheartened as I wondered whether I did enough. I’m the type of person to reflect on things right after they happen. But, I switch out of that state really quickly. I was only in that state for a moment, and I tried not to think about failing after the audition round was over. Since there were also cameras rolling, I wanted to show everyone that I was having fun.
Receiving the final result filled with uneasiness and shock
Taking a step forward with the fervent desire to be accepted
Then, the moment for the final results announcement finally came.
I got a call out of nowhere, and was told that they wanted to do another interview after the final round to ask me a few more questions. I was wondering what that implied… Were they going to bring good news, or were they unsure of who to choose in the end? I had no idea, and that single thought surfaced all my uncertainties. I kept my cool this entire time by telling myself that I had definitely made it, but that all crashed down when I heard that. My heart was thumping the entire time while I waited for that call. But, the next day, they just told me the result right from the start. Because I was so nervous, when they told me “You passed,” the only thing that went through my mind was “I… passed? What does that mean?” (laughs). I started wondering what it meant for me to have passed. I might have believed that passing the final round means that I was selected, but I started to doubt that (laughs). When they told me I had been selected as one of the five cast members, I got such a head rush that I almost let out a shout. During the call, I somehow managed to keep my cool and thanked the judges, but the moment the call ended I rushed to the living room and screamed at my family to come over (laughs).
How did your family react?
I never really talked about how much I loved “Love Live!” to my parents. But, around the third round or so, they started realizing that I was serious about this, and they asked to watch some of the concert DVDs. That made me really happy. Since they were watching over my progress this entire time, they were really glad too. But right after I told them I had been accepted, my mom gave me some advice. She told me to make sure to secure some private time for myself even after I started working as a cast member of the “Love Live!” franchise. I’ve started getting more work recently, and I feel like I finally understand the gravity behind her advice. I’m the type of person to fall into an unhealthy cycle once I find something that I can be passionate about. I’d wake up in the morning, go for practice, work, and go to bed the moment I got home. I finally realized that she was telling me to make sure to take care of myself and find ways to relax even when I’m busy. Because I’m the type to enjoy pushing myself too hard… I’ll be careful (laughs).
Taking a break every once in a while is indeed rather important. What about your cousin, the one who introduced you to “Love Live!”? What did she say?
We weren’t allowed to talk about the audition to anyone while they were still taking place, so I didn’t manage to talk to her after the first round where I got her advice. After the cast members were finally announced, I received a brief but strongly worded "good job" (laughs). My cousin bought a ton of “Love Live! Superstar!!” merchandise, and even made a pre-order for our debut single the moment it was announced. It really feels like she’s my biggest fan, supporting me from right by my side. She’s someone I really want to treasure.
How did others around you react?
I started a new Twitter account, but I received so many notifications that my smartphone started heating up. That made me realize just how much people were looking forward to the “Love Live! Superstar!!” project. I was really touched to receive a ton of messages congratulating me on being selected despite them not knowing at all what kind of person I was. To be honest, I’ve heard quite a lot of different things from the people around me. But, I was just happy to have so many people supporting me, and I even have the other members to reassure me. I knew I had to do my best to bounce back from those critical comments.
Last but not least, how did you feel about the tumultuous year 2020?
FIrst of all, I want to thank my cousin for introducing me to the world of “Love Live!”, and for telling me about this audition. Also, I want to acknowledge my past self for being determined to get accepted the moment I laid my eyes on the audition form, and for taking the first step forward. It’s precisely because of those strong emotions of wanting to appear as part of the “Love Live!” series, of wanting to win no matter what, that drove me to work hard to get to where I am now. The COVID-19 pandemic did bring up a lot of uncertainty within me, but looking back, it truly was a year full of miracles. I felt like I was given the opportunity to take a big step forward, so I’ll continue doing my best as part of Liella! while supporting and being supported by the other members and our fans alike!
[1] Sonoda Umi, from μ's.
[2] Kurosawa Ruby, from Aqours.
[3] A type of dance that has its origins in Broadway musicals, also known as musical dance.
Aoyama Nagisa was born in Tokyo Prefecture and is currently with Apollo Bay. She was chosen as the voice of Hazuki Ren from the open auditions for “Love Live! Superstar!!”. Joining a club with an activity that she used to be terrible at on purpose, and even sacrificing her private life for her dreams, she claims to be the type of person who needs to involve herself in everything that catches her interest.
TL: xIceArcher
TLC/QC: Yujacha (@yujachachacha), Yahallo
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Between Ava, Constantin and Mailin who would you most like to have as the main in a potential s8?
Hey now don’t forget about Zoe!  or Yara! 
Okay first let’s discuss the people who won’t get a season imo. Josh, Kieu My, and Finn. The first two are the love interests of 5 and 6, and as much as I love Finn I just think if they were setting up for him, we would have more content with him. I mean at least give him lines, bro. But I’ll admit the chances are greater for Finn than KM or Josh. Also, no Sascha or Lou. They’re both part of Ismail’s season and I don’t see a future story focusing on either of them when we have other characters who have been around since the beginning.
So overall, this is a hard question to answer because I feel like there are potential stories in all of these characters. 
Personally, I think whatever Constantin has going on is going to be explored/resolved in this season, so I doubt he will have a season. Which is probably a good thing because I think the entire fandom would lose their minds if that happened, both positively and negatively lol. I will say I think Casper is a really strong actor, one of the best in the cast (THE best of those who haven’t had their own seasons and I still think he is stronger than Eren, at least at this point). And I think he could really deliver on a season where he is main. And if they don’t resolve his issues in this season with alcohol and money and family, it could possibly work. But ultimately it’s hard to see it happening. Way too divisive.
And honestly, I kind of feel the same way about Ava. She has a lot of people who love her, but she has a lot of people who don’t. I think that a season with her as main could be really interesting, but I also don’t know exactly what they would do because to be honest so many of her potential story threads have already been explored. I’m also not completely sure about Aicha pulling off her own season as main. I think all of these actors have grown a lot, including her, but I just don’t know if she has the chops to be the focus of every single clip. But I would love for her to prove me wrong, and I think if we did get a season for her they could explore more about her parents divorce maybe? Abiball stuff? Or at least find out who _huelk is.
Mailin is interesting because she is the least developed of the cashqueens. She’s kind of a mystery, you know? Which I think makes a lot of the audience curious about her. A good argument in favor of a season for Mailin is that since she is a main character, but she really hasn’t had a story explored for her, so there’s a ton of potential to do pretty much anything. I’m still on board for an asexual character and I would love if they did that for Mailin. I have read her that way from the start personally. Could be totally wrong though, love interests are always a part of skam. A lot of people ship her with Constantin though I don’t quite know why lol. She’s another character who is not liked by part of the audience, but she’s very beloved by German audiences and Twitter. I’m not sure if she would get a season, but I definitely wanna know more about her other than her being the food friend and that she needed a job, so whoever is the season eight main, I hope that they get to spend time with her. Also now I’m thinking about the fact that both Constantin and Mailin needed to get jobs and I wonder if that will ever be explored.
So Yara. The biggest thing that makes me feel like they might actually do a season for her is the fact that her Instagram is still private yet she is still a regular player on the show. Why even have an Instagram with content if there is no real reason for it? Yara has been in only a few clips so far this season, but still more than Nora and Mailin and as many as Ava. Maybe there is a reason they are keeping her present. Like Mailin, her potential stories are endless since she has been around and is familiar to the audience, but is still a bit of a mystery. Plus s8 will be leading up to the Abiball, and she is heavily involved in that. However I think it’s just as likely that her Instagram could become public during the s8 main’s season for that same reason. It’s hard to know if the actress would be strong enough for her own season. We really haven’t had enough content with her to know.  The biggest argument against her is that she’s not as close with the rest of the main characters. Unlike everyone else, she doesn’t have a real group. 
This brings us to Zoe. I did not think that they would ever make Zoe a main because of the fact that she was pretty prominent during Nora’s season. But now I am starting to wonder. She had a close connection to both s5 (main’s sister) and s6 (love interest’s best friend) and now in s7 we are getting drama with her and Finn. This open relationship storyline might just be used to sort of relate to Ismail’s current situation, but it also feels like kind of a heavy thing to explore during someone else’s season. However, they did that with the Ava/Mailin white privilege storyline in Fatou’s season too which felt like it should’ve been an actual main story and not a side plot. Zoe kind of feels like a dark horse contender for being the main in s8. But again, some of her stuff was already delved into in Nora’s season like the drinking and the strained relationship with the mother. It’s really hard to say if they would lean into that more. 
So who do I think it’ll be? No idea.
As for who I want, I can’t really choose because I feel like there are things that every different possibility could bring to the table. I think the chances for a season eight are really high. I think it’s likely they renewed both seasons at the same time like they did with five and six.
Everyone feel free to leave your own thoughts!! 
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Up the creek
Miranda
I have lost the ability to swim. I think it is probably just the heat. There is a point somewhere beyond this horizon that is burning hotter than everything I can imagine.
All of the water has receded as far away as the sun, leaving behind a scorched and desolate landscape. I've seen things like this before, in the desert. They always look the same. A layer of caked mud, the dust of dead things, a few black tufts of something that looks like dried plant, the last remnant of a life I no longer remember.
Miranda's voice comes in from the radio speakers, sounding calm and authoritative. It's the voice of an astronaut speaking from the middle of space:
Miranda: Floornight 7 is approximately 220 km from the ocean. The water has all evaporated, and so has the air. This is where the last bit of the water vapor from my breath went, leaving behind all the dust in the air. It is a vast area, with nothing to the east. The world is all to the south and west.
Miranda, you are the most amazing person I have ever met in my life.
This is the point where I have decided to leave the radio.
"The ocean has all evaporated" -- I can't actually swim anymore, but that's what she said, so why not? I'm going to need her for a while. I don't want to worry her. And I guess I'll need this voice to keep myself going.
"The ocean has all evaporated."
That is a pretty silly thing to say -- the voice of Miranda's inner monologue. It's very irritating. I know she's right, but why does she keep thinking the way she does? It's not very helpful when you can't swim. And now I really hope that what she said is true. It would be a relief not to be alone.
"The ocean has all evaporated," Miranda says again. She's clearly trying to be reassuring. Her voice is flat and cold. And empty. There is no trace of her in it. No life. No laughter.
Miranda, she says, you've taught me a lot. That's very nice, Miranda, and I'm glad we've been friends, and everything, but I'm not ready to say goodbye, yet.
It's an odd thing to say. I am surprised by it. She has never told me I'm not ready to go, has never said she was ready for me to start saying goodbye. I wonder when she noticed I was not ready to leave? Did she know before I did? Or did she just get the sense, finally?
Miranda's voice continues.
Miranda: Floornight 7 is approximately 170 km from the ocean. The surface air pressure has dropped to 3.8 millibars. The surface is as dry as the surface of a comet.
Oh. My. God. It's true. It can be this dry. I have failed. I did not keep you safe. I was never strong enough to protect you, no matter how much I pretended. I think if it weren't for you I would have died in Antarctica.
And that was only last week. I'm such a failure as a person. I don't deserve to be here at all.
I need to find somewhere to go. To the ocean, I mean. Somewhere that hasn't dried up completely, or I'll die. It's the only thing that's kept me going all this time, and now it's gone. I think I'm going to die soon.
I remember my father telling me when I was little that if I ever lost the ocean I'd be dead. He was right. It's such an unfair thing to say. Such a stupid thing to say when I think of how I tried so hard to protect the ocean from its own death. I didn't try hard enough. I'm so sorry for what I have done to it. And I'm so, so sorry for every thing I have ever done to you. I love you, Miranda.
Why is this happening now? I'm not ready. Miranda, why have you said this now, when it's almost too late? Don't leave me now.
I've never been to the ocean before, but maybe I can remember my way around it. I know I'm going to have to get far away from it. If it's really gone --
I'm going to find someplace to go to. I'll keep moving. That's all I've ever done. All I've ever been able to do.
And then, I'm going to go to hell.
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I'm so deeply sorry for worrying you @ajokeformur-ray and @jslittlebirdie! That was never my intention and it pains me very much to realize how unfair and careless my disappearance was. In fact, I still find it difficult to realize and accept that I'm actually seen, heard and even valued by the two of you, that I may not just be a nobody on the internet, but a very real friendship. I would like to apologize to you from the bottom of my heart for the sorrow that has arisen, for the worries and thoughts that you've made, for the horrific impression that I've given and all the other terrible things and feelings that my sudden absence caused. I swear none of this was my intention and I hope so much you two know that none of this has to do with any of you! I'm all too aware of how it feels and none of you deserve it in the least. For this reason I understand that you don't want to have anything to do with me anymore and yet I hope that you can accept my apology. What I did was neither fair nor justified, I know that, but I still want to let you know that I miss you indescribably. Even when we weren't interacting or I was online, you were always with me, in my heart and mind. The meaning that you've for me is limitless and I could never thank you for all the wonderful, great things that you've done and are for me. I hope to never forget you and I hope so much that my carelessness and thoughtlessness didn't ruin such a meaningful acquaintance!
I was wondering how I could ever get in touch again, tried not to be a coward just once, to admit my mistake and to apologize. I know that I've always needed you more than you needed me, that I've hoped again and again for understanding and acceptance from you. And I realized that this time is probably no exception. So if you're still reading this text, then the READ MORE will be followed by my explanation of why I disappeared at all, why it took me so long to come back and what was going on in my head.
So, as you may know, my apprenticeship started last Monday. In detail, this means that I have two days of school every two weeks and one day of school for the opposite two weeks. In the weeks where I have one day of school, I also work five days in the store, in the weeks with two days of school it is four days. This means that I only have one day off per week and that I'm awake from 5:10 or 6:00 am, until 1:30 or 2:40 pm at work/school, at 2:00 or 3:30 pm I'm at home and go to bed by 9 p.m. at the latest, so really too little time to rest, cook, clean up, etc. So currently I ride my bike about 40-50 km per week. All of this ensures that I'm quite exhausted, plus the overwhelming changes in my everyday life, with completely new and unknown environments, activities, people and above all routines (which is an enormous effort for me). But all of this has become more or less established for me and I very much hope that not too much will change now and that I'll get used to everything as quickly as possible.
All of these things are already exhausting enough for me, but the worst is that I'm now going back to school with people who're all too quick to judge and who've high expectations of me, who've little understanding and openness for people who're different, with problems and difficulties. People like me. I've already had a negative clash with one of my teachers because he asked me to do something that I couldn't organize in terms of time.
But that's not what's worst for me because that's one of my classmates. She has only seen me for two days, hardly knows anything about me and yet she hurt me so much and made me think that I came home and cried, so discouraged and hopeless. Actually, I'm not an overly "openly" emotional person, but I don't have too high an opinion of myself anyway.
She told me that I'm such a shollow person, invisible, irrelevant, that my being alone alienates me from my surroundings, that I would't understand anything within the real life, that all I'm and feel are just my thoughts, that I'm a waste in this world, that I'm alone and always will be because my lack of social interaction and experiences mean that I'm not able, don't have the right, to feel part of any group or society. She told me that I'm a nobody, incapable of anything, with a cold heart.
And let me tell you, I was overwhelmed, scared, sad and hurt. I actually thought there was some truth to it, and maybe it is, but after days of worrying, I realized that I'm SO MUCH more too!
All of my problems, all of my loneliness don't make me angry, bitter or cold-hearted, on the contrary, in fact. My loneliness and detachment are part of me, neither positive nor negative, they allow me to observe, understand and empathize. Maybe I don't belong anywhere, but because of me, no one else will EVER have to feel as if they're not accepted and valued for who they're. No one will ever feel as lost or hopeless as I do. For me, every single living being is something very special and extraordinary. Maybe I don't have a big or important meaning, but neither am I meaningless. If being part of one of these groups or societies means that it's okay to hurt someone, then I NEVER can and NEVER want to be part of them. I prefer to watch the world, stay away from people who have no idea of the meaning of their words and deeds, stay lonely. Because, in reality, my heart is neither cold nor dead, it's incredibly alive, full of warmth and love. My mind is filled with so many wonderful ideas, stories, observations, and experiences; it's not dull or wasted. My amazement, love, curiousity, compassion and appreciation are truly limitless. Maybe I'll never fully understand the people and life around me, maybe I'll never find my place, my home, but that's okay. My mother always told me that if I don't find my place among people, I'll always have one among the stars. I've no idea what or who is popular, how to do this or that, what's considered normal or realistic, what makes the average life special, worth living or beautiful. And that's okay. I realized, more than before, that I'm capable of something, something very important in fact! I feel, intensely, limitless and almost magical. I know what it feels like to have the rain pattering down on me, to feel the wind in my hair, to see my cats happy, to see the smiles of those around me, authentic and beautiful, how amazing it is to look at the stars, to be filled and flowed through by music. I know what it feels like to live, not to experience, but to simply be alive, to breathe, to see and to perceive everything, no matter how small, around me. To be overwhelmed by emotions, good and bad. Should I actually be meaningless, then I'm definitely grateful for all the meaningful things that I can experience.
I'm lonely, out of place, that's right. Maybe I'm lost, but maybe it allows me to see and discover so much more. I have realized that all of my weaknesses and difficulties, my loneliness, make me understanding and kind. Not cold or incompetent, insignificant or indifferent. I wish I could show her, make her understand that there's so much more than popularity or reputation, all of these wonderfully great things that she seems to overlook or perceive as of less value. And even though her words hurt me, I made up my mind to forgive her. I wish she would understand how complex and meaningful words, deeds, feelings, people and this extraordinary world are, I'm sorry that she understands and appreciates so little. In any case, I want to make sure that she, or anyone else, NEVER gets hurt by me.
I'm sorry to annoy you with my rambling, but that's why I needed time to myself. Unfortunately, I'll not have too much time and energy to be very active in the future either, but I'll try to read and answer all of your wonderful messages. I can't tell how quickly I'm able to do this, but I will try my best! After a really exhausting and intense week, I'm definitely back. And I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of the compassionate, thoughtful messages. Their, and your, incredible meaning is really difficult for me to put into words, so THANK YOU!
I miss you both so incredible much and I hope all is well with you.
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