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foldingfittedsheets · 59 minutes

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In my dream last night I shipwrecked on an island. It was a very pleasant place with friendly people, warm weather, food, but the one major downside was that no one had shoes. The whole ground surface of the island was pitted with barnacles and sharp rocks and they dug into your feet with every step. After a few days on the island my feet were all cut up.

I was talking to a native about it and how I’d slowly given up on the idea of leaving when I noticed something shining in one of the cuts on my feet. I leaned down and squeezed a huge black pearl out, leaving a round hole in my foot. Horrified I started squeezing every cut and even pulling open ones that had healed over and these pearls were in every one. The more of them came out the more I remembered how badly I wanted to leave and it was a terrifying realization that the island wanted people to stay so it was constantly pumping them full of these magic things that wouldn’t let them leave. The rest of the dream was spent in terror trying to fashion shoes and escape this wicked place.

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foldingfittedsheets · 2 hours

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I’m so tired and conflicted. My mother in law is visiting us. She got off the plane, nose streaming insisting it was just allergies. She masked on the plane at our request. When I heard her congestion levels I immediately masked in the car but my wife didn’t.

We had a very slightly expired covid test that came back negative but she also said antihistamines hadn’t reduced her symptoms at all. My wife has gotten exposure and is asking if I feel safe sleeping in bed with them and I am too tired to make decisions but every time we’ve visited people we’ve gotten sick. They always say something is no big deal and we end up sick.

I’m graduating Sunday and I’m gonna be a huge bummer to everyone if I ask for masking protocols until Sunday so I can graduate without worrying about illness. I don’t know what the right call is and I hate it.

Edit: my wife is gonna sleep masked but I do feel reassured that this is allergies based on what they’re saying. If their mom is feeling better tomorrow that’d be great too but I think I’ll feel less frantic in the morning

#ramblies #stressed #even if it’s not covid I don’t want a cold #or whatever is going on

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foldingfittedsheets · 3 hours

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Before my beloved and I moved in together they were living with roommates in a place that didn't have a bathtub. Now, a reasonable person might conclude from this that baths would be out of the equation in a home with only one standing shower and no tub.

But these people weren't quitters. Naturopathic doctors and acupuncturists they were dedicated to treating their bodies well and one of the ways they liked to do that was hydrotherapy. Most people are familiar with this through things like polar bear plunges. You sit in a hot tub then jump in freezing water.

It's supposedly good for you and they were way into it. But again, no tub. They'd do hydro showers but it just wasn't the same. These people were not quitters, though. (One of them is the boob soap person, so it really isn't a surprise that she goes hard on everything). So they got what looked like two big metal old timey tubs but which were actually animal food troughs and set them up in the garage. They set up a water heater and god knows how they emptied the tub after, I think there was hoses involved? A pump maybe? I honestly can't remember. Anyway! Voila, hydrotherapy on demand.

I was not aware of this. So when I came over after a long day and my beloved said we should take a bath I was extremely puzzled. I only knew about the one shower. They showed me the garage tubs. I did want a bath and I wasn't really sure about the setup, but honestly I'll try anything once if only for the story, so I agreed.

Fun fact about me though. I haaaate being cold. I've been 0% body fat most of my life with skin barely keeping my bones enclosed. I'm always cold. My favorite activity at the time was sitting directly in front of space heaters. My shower temperatures turn me lobster red and make my beloved cringe. Willingly dunking myself into cold water is the antipathy of my entire deal.

On the night in question I happily submerged into the warm tank, pleasantly surprised by the big silly improvised tub. Which again was meant for livestock. My knees bumped companionably against my beloved as we soaked in the hot water. After a while they rose to go into the cold water. "You don't have to," they told me.

But I was haunted. I wouldn't be doing hydro if I just stayed in the warm tub. Maybe hydro was amazing. It has all these health benefits. I desperately didn't want to but I stood up with them. We were having this nice intimate evening in the garage, just us, I felt safe. I was gonna do it.

They stepped easily into the cold tub, dunking matter of factly into the frigid water. I went to step. I did. I really really tried. My foot went in and I started shrieking, my progress arrested by the total state of shock I entered when my warm toasty foot hit that smug arctic water tension. My beloved started laughing as my pitch ascended the deeper my foot went into the cold water.

I started loudly narrating my discomfort as my foot touched the bottom and I willed my other foot up to join it. "THIS IS VERY COLD," I yelled, "IT'S SO COLD I THINK I MIGHT DIE HOW ARE YOU JUST CASUALLY SITTING IN THIS FREEZING COLD WATER?! I'M DYING- I THINK I'M DYING! I'M DYING BUT WE'RE HERE, TOGETHER! I CAN DO THIS! I CAN DO THESE EVEN THOUGH IT'S SO COLD ALL MY MOLECULES HAVE COMPRESSED INTO A SOLID STATE!"

I ended up with both feet planted in the cold tub, water up to my shins, bellowing and panting while my beloved laughed so hard they couldn't breathe. I hunkered over the cold water, squatting like a frozen gargoyle.

My beloved was trying to psyche me up while I willed my body to obey me. In a sudden jerky drop like a puppet whose strings have been cut I plummeted my body into the cold and let out a shriek that I’m sure could have shattered glass and then leapt up out of the water at a speed relative to a rocket achieving space flight. I didn’t like it.

When we got back inside my beloved's roommates were collapsed on the ground with tears in the their eyes from how hard they'd been laughing. They and probably every neighbor down the block had heard my pterodactyl screeching and narration because the garage was not remotely soundproof.

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foldingfittedsheets · 3 hours

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Seal the Deal

Chapter 1 || Chapter 2 || Chapter 3 (current)

Chapter 1 || Chapter 2 || Chapter 3 (current)

#art #artists on tumblr #comic #webcomic #sequential art #wlw #sapphic #do you love the color of the comic #ffs comic #there are many benefits to being a marine biologist #seal the deal #lgbtq #urban fantasy #selkie

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foldingfittedsheets · 3 hours

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My betrothed and I were driving along recently, and as it’s winter there’s all sorts of Christmas lights and decorations up.

As we drove past a particularly festooned yard my betrothed said, “I should just go steal all those decorations. Like some kind of anti-Santa.”

“Do you mean like a Grinch? That’s- that’s what they call people who do that.”

My betrothed did the blank stare of someone who had absolutely forgotten that the Grinch existed and was calculating whether to backtrack what they’d said.

Instead, they doubled down with, “No. The anti-Santa.”

Today they expounded on this theory by adding, “If there’s an anti-Christ there should be an anti-Santa.”

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foldingfittedsheets · 4 hours

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One thing I’ve inherited from my mother is my feet. Not only are they the same size but we get the same utility out of them, which is to say both of our big toes are unusually long and flexible.

When she was pregnant my mom used this fact to just pick up things with her feet instead of bending down. She never lost the habit, so when I was young I hopped immediately on board the fun game of picking up stuff with my toes.

Laundry, pencils, I’ll casually grab stuff laying on the floor with my toes without bending down. It’s proven itself as a useful skill with my chronic illness or when my back is thrown out.

But there is a dark side to these toe powers. My mom uses her toes for evil more often than not. Because they’re ideal for pinching. A common cry in the house was my dad from their bedroom going, “Ah! Don’t pinch me!” Followed by my moms evil giggle.

Tragically it is so fun to use pinchy toes for evil. The most fun thing to grab is someone’s Achilles tendon or calves but y’know. They tend not to like it. Cause it pinches.

I’ve never done more than gently grip my betrothed with my pinchy toes, an act of love and a testament to my iron willpower because again, it’s so goddamn fun. But one night after they told me to knock it off I started telling them that my mom is always pinching my dad when they cuddle.

“It hurts?” they asked me in perplexity.

“Well yeah, like, I could be hurting you, but I’m not, because I love you. It so easy to pinch hard.”

They radiated disbelief at me.

“Do you need me to show you I can pinch hard enough to hurt?” I asked.

“Sure, show me.”

I greedily reached for their legs with my evil toes unleashed and in seconds they exclaimed, “Ow! How are you doing that!”

I snickered and subsided. They processed the breadth of my toe skills while I savored the tiny mischief I had indulged.

Finally they said, “I want to try.”

“Sure.” I laid passively while they clumsily attempted to grip any part of my leg between their toes. They grew increasingly frustrated while I stifled giggles. Their toes gripped helplessly at me like toothless gums, failing to gain purchase.

Finally they managed to grip my Achilles tendon and gave a triumphant laugh. By no definition was it remotely uncomfortable, let alone painful but I indulgently said, “Ow,” for them.

“Don’t patronize me,” they whispered venomously. Then they snuggled close and my toes returned to their humble life picking up socks that have fallen from the laundry basket.

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foldingfittedsheets · 4 hours

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I did find another sex shop story in my mind vault! Get ready for the most embarrassed I ever got at work.

When I first started my manager was this really cool guy and he set a matter-of-fact no nonsense tone to working there that I emulated. So as part of my training he brought me to a display case full of glass toys.

These are stunning solid glass pieces that just so happen to be shaped into gentle curves. Honestly several were abstract and beautiful enough to be displayed on a mantelpiece. They can be used with any kind of lube, they’re easy to sterilize and overall they’re excellent sex toys.

But I, like every other person, am the culmination of my lived experience. Glass breaks. I know this to be true, I’ve dropped glasses and plates and the fear of glass breaking was all I could see looking into that display.

My manager was well aware. He calmly informed me that I was looking at triple fired borosilicate and he pulled one out and banged it on the counter with all his might making me jump ten feet in the air. But there was the glass toy, triumphant and unscathed in his hand, after leaving a new dent on the counter.

Over the years I worked there I did the exact same demo he did hundreds of times, smacking the solid glass onto the unyielding counter and showing off how sturdy the glass was. “Theres nothing your vagina can do to harm this,” I’d assure people.

So one day I had a group of three ladies looking at them, tittering nervously to each other. I assured them that these were extremely safe and they smiled skeptically.

“Really,” I said, pulling out an example, “our bodies are soft and wet, we have no way of damaging these.” I lifted it and brought it down onto the counter like I had a thousand times before. Like I’d seen countless times from my coworkers.

Except this time. It shattered.

The women screamed and flinched back as I stood frozen in absolute perplexity as my mind tried to make sense of what had just happened. The toy had broken in huge safety glass sized chunks, leaving me a nub in my grip while it’s former glory lay in pieces all around me.

I looked back up at the ladies, speechless. They all broke into hysterical laughter. “Your face!” They gasped while clutching each other to stay on their feet.

“I- I’ve done this demo hundreds of times- it’s- it’s never broken!”

They crowed even harder as I sweeped up the mess, still in disbelief and horror at what I’d done. “Well. I at least know your bodies can’t provide that much force to a toy… I can’t believe this it’s never broken before.” I babbled on in embarrassment to their obvious disbelief.

They looked back at me with the certainty of three women who will never in their life trust a glass toy not to shatter after watching the worlds most explosive demo.

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foldingfittedsheets · 8 hours

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I’ve been harassing the shit out of my parents to get a will for over a year. My siblings and I all hate each other and I don’t want to get into with them when my parents pass.

Today I feel like I finally made some progress, got a firm picked out and made them commit to sitting down together to hash it out. They still disagree on what’s going to the kids versus grandkids but I just don’t even care. The lawyers can assist with that part of I can just get their butts in the chair.

#ramblies

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foldingfittedsheets · 12 hours

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We had lunch with a friend who was relating a story to us about a friend of hers who lives in a rural area populated by a very large number of mountain lions.

She and her husband were at home when they watched a mountain lion jump their back fence, dead deer in tow, dragging its prey to their back shed. They watched with horrified fascination as this apex predator started absolutely going to town on this deer carcass. Honestly, same. I’d have watched too, I love a free nature documentary.

But after several hours as the cougar continued to lounge they started to be concerned. This was not a neighbor they wanted. They didn’t want to call animal control so they did what any rural American would do and grabbed their guns.

Their first several warning shots were met with unimpressed ambivalence, the cougar regarding them with the smugness of a fat and happy cat who’s heard a gun before.

Frustrated, they went back to the drawing board. Then they decided to stand on the back step with two different speakers at max volume blasting the cougar with sound waves. While also firing their guns in the air. This finally achieved the desired result, the cougar hightailed it away at top speed.

What were they blaring, you ask? What scared the lion from its den?

NPR.

Our friend was laughing as she said, “It didn’t mind the guns but it hated NPR, it was one conservative cougar!”

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foldingfittedsheets · 13 hours

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I was less distressed after eating. It was very delicious.

I’m ridiculously comically bad at some dexterity based skills. I’ve talked about being wretched at folding but I’m equally bad at cutting.

I worked at an oil and vinegar shop, cutting fresh bread for samples every day for a year with no improvement. My manager gave me repeated lessons and was absolutely perplexed that I was incapable of any growth. I genuinely tried so hard to no avail.

Usually my beloved will precut slices of the loaves they make because it’s just better all around. I don’t mess up the angle of the loaf or mangle the slice. Today they didn’t have time.

I have no explanation for how bad I am at this.

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foldingfittedsheets · 14 hours

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Tonight’s DnD session went off the rails. The party was called in to deal with a black dragon masquerading as an orc. She’s warmongering and causing havoc, but we cannot out her as a dragon for political reasons. So we need to neutralize her. Our goal is to humiliate her and lose her following.

We challenge her to single combat. We waffle on whether the party half-elf fighter/cleric should face her or our bunnyfolk barbarian, but we know she’s an adult dragon so it’s dicey to face her one on one.

Then I say, “What if… I use Greater Invisibilty on the barbarian?”

This causes much hilarity. The dragon would have blindsight and know that he was there but would look insane shouting about invisible rabbits. We decide he should sit atop the half-elf’s shoulders.

“But what if she knocks him off?”

We consider this. Then the DM goes, “You guys have that saddle…”

And we do. We have a magic saddle that you cannot be unseated from. But then we’d need the half elf to wear the saddle on her shoulders which would give the game away unless we could disguise it. A conundrum. Except!

The DM gave our characters a magic bond. We can cast any spell on each other regardless of distance. So my bard used Disguise Self to make the saddle disappear, we put the barbarian on the cleric with Greater Invisibility and send them into battle.

Midway through the dragon just calls in an owlbear. Not to maul our cleric but to just indiscriminately attack all parties. So there’s a bunnyfolk riding around on a half elf fighting a dragon disguised as an orc while an owlbear ran around mauling people until our Druid made friends with it from the sidelines.

The barbarian took a feat to get some on brand spells and at about 1/3 of her health he used Command to get her to submit. It was really low odds she’d fail her save but she rolled a nat one.

She dropped her weapon and kneeled. The party started screeching victory and her horde promptly forsook her and we were all utterly delighted.

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foldingfittedsheets · 14 hours

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What are your weaknesses?

You think you can come for me so brazenly? You think those sunglasses veil your intentions? I see through this ruse. If you come for my empire, I will not set a blade in your hand. You must fight using your own strength rather than looking for the fingerprints at my ankle where my mother held me in the River Styx.

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foldingfittedsheets · 16 hours

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I made a bunch of mice and berries.

I hope you like mice and berries.

If you like mice and berries (and corn) you can find them in my shops here and here.

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foldingfittedsheets · 16 hours

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I’m ridiculously comically bad at some dexterity based skills. I’ve talked about being wretched at folding but I’m equally bad at cutting.

I worked at an oil and vinegar shop, cutting fresh bread for samples every day for a year with no improvement. My manager gave me repeated lessons and was absolutely perplexed that I was incapable of any growth. I genuinely tried so hard to no avail.

Usually my beloved will precut slices of the loaves they make because it’s just better all around. I don’t mess up the angle of the loaf or mangle the slice. Today they didn’t have time.

I have no explanation for how bad I am at this.

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foldingfittedsheets · 16 hours

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@misanthropiczombie took out a painterly commission for their druid ready to rip into someone. This was forty minutes as part of my commission sale!

Check out my pinned post or DM me about $20 for 20 minute commissions!

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foldingfittedsheets · 16 hours

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Today on Donuts and Dogs we encountered a large dog with a muzzle in a group with a few other dogs on the trail. I didn’t initiate anything but the dog came up and rubbed so aggressively affectionately on us that we had to pet him.

I offered that I’ve seen dogs muzzled to prevent them eating rocks as a roundabout question. His mom sighed and said he has to wear it because otherwise he eats marijuana.

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foldingfittedsheets · 16 hours

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Everyone is susceptible to spirits of mischief sometimes. When it happens to my betrothed and I, we say “I had demons in me,” to explain sudden random acts of harassment.

Cats understand this. Cats are often full of demons.

This state is usually accompanied by being really sleepy because demons are really just having lowered impulse control. Do I always want to stick my fingers up my betrotheds nose to see the funny indignant face they make? Yes. But I don’t. Unless I get too full of demons, and then I do.

But sometimes we do something actually naughty when compelled this way.

Like this morning, when my betrothed and I were sitting at the breakfast bar and suddenly they lunged at my neck with the speed and ferocity of a True Blood vampire and bit down really hard.

I squalled and flailed and they immediately were like, “Oh no! That was too hard!”

“This was like the start of the fucking zombie apocalypse after you lied about being bitten!”

“I’m sorry!”

“This was like finding out you have rabies in the worst possible way!”

“I’m so sorry!”

I grumbled and whined until they cuddled me appropriately enough for forgiveness. But I can still see them lunging at me in my periphery, teeth bared.

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