More rottmnt oc stuff!! I have so many sketches of her, but I’m a little scared to post them haha. You can read the explanation/ backstory under the cut!

Basically, Lee actively keeps up her shapeshift magic to make herself look more human, but it cannot last forever, especially not after overuse. 

As a child, Lee grew up alone on the streets of New York City, unaware of the more welcoming society of her kind just below it. Not yet knowing about her ability or the Hidden City, Lee was constantly in her true form and had to deal with humans shunning her and calling her a monster while trying to survive. 

Due to this trauma, being in her true form makes her extremely uncomfortable because of the memories and believing after being told so many times that it makes her look like a monster. 

Eventually she befriends Mikey who helps her face her demons, after which she slowly starts being in her true form more casually.

Anyway I have thoughts about the Gaming University youtube channel which is Super Horror Bro levels of understanding conditions like DID and any other stigmatized condition (To say, basically no understanding and using it due to being stigmatized for the "Ooh! Scary!" factor to try to make analysis more compelling).

Waterloo World as a Psychonauts level illustrates this. I hate this video so much, but I have to link it for context.

This analysis literally just reads as taking the DID trope ("split personality" is often associated with systems and implies MPD) and going "It must be that" at a very surface level reading. Like, internal monologues exist and those are typically considered singlets.

I've experienced DID since I was very young (Think at least four years old). The way this analysis seems to think DID is just "People go away as soon as an internal struggle is resolved, and they must be able to hold conversation with each other," is extremely reductive to plural representation in the same game such as Ford Cruller. Even later on, the video's idea of "Mulitple fragmented personalities" (seeing alters as not actual people) is ignorant of how Ford's alters (The various versions of him that share no memory and have roles like specific jobs) still have a degree of separation that make them different people. While shown differently through the world of Psychonauts, don't forget how both games are explicitly about mental health and Ford is DID representation that is canon in the series. The handling of Ford's DID and even Cassie O'Pia's potential median system are very different compared to this level.

The way I see it, this level is more about a commentary of ableism in the professional fields that claim to treat the mentally ill and neurodivergent. While I have not been in an asylum, I have been in a psych ward overnight and have seen numerous therapists, some extremely ableist towards me in subtle ways that messed me up later on. I consider myself lucky to not have been involuntarily hospitalized for the psych ward visit considering the circumstances (plus the fact that I could literally only eat an orange I was given because someone left my celiac off my chart and my lactose intolerance. The fact that there were no gluten free alternative meals is gross).

The ableist professionals I have seen for both my physical and mental health all have had a unified trait of seeing me as lesser in how they practiced their profession. They might not personally say that they do, and likely won't. You don't have to be hurling slurs at me in the office to be ableist- sometimes it is the small things, like the unspoken assumption that my neurodivergence makes me unable to understand things and be smart. To my neurologist, my DID and dissociative amnesia made me too unreliable to believe I experienced seizures and knew the difference between those and migraines. My period pain and resulting belief that living entirely without a uterus would make me happier due to it (plus being trans) when younger was something that made a counselor harshly push a body dysmorphia diagnosis instead of considering that perhaps my pain was not all in my head and those kinds of thoughts are a very natural reaction to having severe monthly pain. (I did end up having body dysmorphia, but not like that at all.)

The kind of ableism Fred is taking part in is a very real kind of ableism in the lives of disabled people like myself and Crispin when we come into contact with professionals. Anything we do to prove we are able to understand what is happening to us is seen as something we should not be able to understand. So Crispin winning a game of chess? That is something Fred believed to be entirely out of his grasp.

So the moment it happens, Fred's entire idea of disabled people being less capable compared to him due to his status as a professional in some capacity is abruptly flipped on its head. He cannot cope well.

While the level is focused on Fred, it indirectly helps him not see disabled people as lesser, or himself lesser than a disabled person. The whole level is indirect, but the memory vault is the core of the level.

That's just my interpretation. Fred is having an internal monologue and sees himself as lesser than a disabled person because his ableism was disproved in a very personal way and he doesn't know how to cope.

having and holding

Written for Danktober Day 21: Body Worship, Bad Dog, & International Day of the Nacho

Frankie Morales x F!Reader (22+)

Summary: The baby's here. When did 'mother' replace 'wife' in your psyche? Could you still be both? Could you still be you?

Word Count: 740

Warnings: Anxiety and depression, postpartum depression, negative self-image, body dysmorphia (m and f), healing, pregnancy

Notes: Another one in the books for Frankie and Wifey. Love yall.

[full danktober list here]

[Don't Call Me Wifey series masterlist]

"You're being ridiculous."

"I'm not being ridiculous."

"Frankie, stop it."

"I want you."

"Francisco."

"I want you."

"You're humping my leg."

"Can't you feel that I want you?"

"Bad dog."

"C'mon, you don't mean that…"

"Okay, you're not bad. You're terrible. And the fact is that I don't want me right now."

Your admission dropped a bomb on the conversation and crumpled the look on his face. Immediately, you felt terrible for saying it. You didn't even quite mean it, really. You only wanted to sate the burning embarrassment that warred with your libido right now. It wasn't Frankie's fault that you'd taken a look in the mirror and saw the mess your child made of your body, and decided to shoulder all that guilt like you deserved to hate how you felt and looked, now.

"Forget I said anything, I'm sorry, let's—"

"Please don't shut down on me, baby." Frankie kept his hands on your thighs, effectively trapping you on the couch. You didn't try to struggle, but shame rose with the heat in your cheeks the longer he looked at you. It was something you both struggled with, the negative self-talk. Normally, it would be met with hugs and affirmations, but this time felt different. It was different.

Frankie hadn't tried to make a move on you since the birth of your little one. Part of it was him wanting to respect the doctor's orders, but your mind had opened up a long-shut door and let the demons back into your mind. Post-partum depression, they called it. You were familiar with these kind of dark thoughts, but after so long of being with Frankie, you were no longer comfortable around them in the way you used to be. They felt like barbs instead of armor, now, knives you threw at yourself. And Frankie knew that.

"I love you," he said, soft but firm. His eyes gleamed with emotion and conviction, both of which you felt every time he uttered an endearment to you. "What's the top worry right now on your mind?"

This was how you coped; picking away at the iceberg of your anxiety until the great, unmeltable chunks of it could be whittled down over time with just hugs and kises and I love yous.

You sighed. "It seems so vain and selfish—"

"That's not what I asked," he reminded you gently.

"How I look. I'm… I'm flabby and my skin is all stretched and won't snap back, I have no strength in my core anymore and I always look a mess because even though you give me space to be by myself, I can't shake the feeling of being on alert for a cry or something, and I ate all the nachos and now there's no more nachos and I'm sad, and—" It all tumbled out one piece after another, a landslide of things you kept inside for the sake of performing motherhood, performing your role as Mrs. Morales.

"Who told you not to like those things? They're signs you're strong, that you endured." He whispered it to you, like a secret.

"Society," you said, shrugging.

"Society isn't allowed into our bed, mama." He said, trying to get you to smile. And damn him, it worked. You rolled your eyes but didn't hide your amusement. "Who else said that?"

"I don't know, me?"

His face softened a little more before he kissed your hands, bringing them together in his. "I love you, whether you accept it or not," he promised. It choked you up, making your lower lip wobble. "We can find ways to help you feel better in your body, but denying yourself happiness isn't the way to live happily ever after the way I promised you we would, baby."

"I know," you mumbled miserably.

"I'm going to ask you again, but I won't bug you about it after this. Please think about what you want and not what you deserve for me. Please?"

"Okay, baby."

"Do you want to go with me to the bedroom and get a little nasty for the rest of naptime?" he asked, a completely serious look on his face.

You burst out laughing, tears falling as you reached down to hold his face in your hands. You kissed him once through your grin before resting your head against his. "I love you, Frankie Morales. I would love to get nasty with you."

"Then let's go."

🔥Heat Miser comforting GN!Reader with Body Dysmorphia Headcanons🔥

Trigger Warning: Body Dysmorphia,

-GN! = Gender Neutral-

------------------------------------------

🔥Heat Miser is all too familiar with the concept of body dysmorphia. He himself has never had it, however, he knows many of his family members have struggled with it in the past. They would often come to him to vent and to seek aid since he was the most mature of them all. He still to this day doesn't understand why they weren't comfortable enough to talk about that to their mother and why they choose him of all people. Any time he asked why they always responded the same, he just had a comfortable energy and secure feeling about him. 🔥You decided to come forward about your own insecurities to him, having heard that he has helped so many people in the past. Plus, you feel extremely secure around him. He seems like the type to keep secrets like a vault.

🔥 When you told him you needed to talk to him about something he put the book down that he was reading and slowly patted the spot next to him on his giant oversized brown leather couch. Once you sat down he asked what was the matter with a patient and content smile on his face.

🔥 As you told him and went into details about your insecurities, you started to break down. He slowly rubbed comforting circles into your back as you sobbed and continued. Once you were done he gave you his honest answer, he made sure to explain to you that he is by far, no professional, but he will try his best to soothe you and give you ways to help cope. Such as meditation and remembering that those are just intrusive thoughts, and that they are not true. He explains how everyone is beautiful in their own right, even if others don't think so. He praises you for getting by alone for so long, and tells you how much he loves you and how much you mean to him. He tells you he would never lie to you and that he thinks you're stunningly beautiful.

"Well, personally.... you know I'll never lie to you, right? I'm a very honest person and I pride myself in that. ...If I personally thought you were ugly, I would tell you. I'll be it nicely, but I would still tell you......" A moment of silence echos through the cavernous study as Heat Miser stares at you for a moment, examining you up and down before he decides to speak once more. "I think you're quite stunning, actually. Quite the beautiful person inside and out. I know humans always make it seem like the outside is all that matters, but it's not.. and I want you to know you're beautiful inside too." Silences falls once more, a smile stretches across your face as you look at your beautifully kind friend. He glances back at you. "And you have a beautiful smile too." Heat Miser chuckles before he pulls you into a hug. "Never forget that I love you kiddo, okay? Okay, good." Heat Miser kisses your forehead.

🔥 Heat Miser will pamper you after, giving you lavish foods and rich beverages, he'll convince you to take a nice relaxing soak in his personal hot tub after. While you're in there you meditate a bit and think about all the nice things he said about you, it makes your heart melt knowing you have someone that cares that deeply about you.

🔥 Once you exit the hot tub you see a beautifully wrapped gift laying neatly on top of some warm fuzzy PJs, a magnificent deep red gift wrap with a neat black bow. You open it and discover an old silver hand held mirror with a note taped on the front, it reads: "Take a look at your beauty, kid! You might learn something new about yourself if you do! -Your pal, Heat" You carefully take off the note with intentions of saving it and look in the mirror. You smile, you realize you might not be as bad looking as you thought and you suddenly notice all the nice things about yourself that you never noticed before.

==================================

Author note: Sorry if this is not super comforting, but I tried my best and I hope it makes someone out there happy this winter season! Stay safe, and know that I think you're beautiful too!

what advice would you have for a just starting to transition trans girl who is struggling with dysmorphia... what have you done to help mentally with your bad thoughts?

I tend to channel a lot of my negative thoughts into my art, seeing as most of my strategies for limiting my dysphoria involve some of the most unhealthy coping mechanisms ever I can’t recommend much

I also don’t know how to help as much with this specific brand of body image issues due to the fact I am FtM. One thing I used to do was ask friends and such for old hand me down clothes and basically go home and play dress up.

The best advice I can give you is dress in a way that would make your younger self jealous.

i want to talk about ed for a minute bc i’ve been struggling a lot lately n it’s not a conventional form of ed so idk i just think more ppl need to talk about ednos bc its difficult af

reminder that this is gonna talk about my ed in detail and how i’ve been feeling and coping so pls don’t read it if you feel it could be triggering

when i was 16 i was in the mental health services and part of that was to be monitored for an unspecified ed. and having ednos is super confusing because you don’t know in what ways your eating is disordered because it’s not like anorexia or bulimia wheres there’s identifiable behaviours .

i’m not losing weight or even really gaining it . i fluctuate between a certain range because i crave and binge eat a lot . but i get really fucking guilty about it afterwards and have periods of low calorie intake and intense home workouts . my boyfriend thinks i should talk to a therapist about body dysmorphia because i have to body check myself in every mirror i pass and get worried about being overweight constantly despite being in a healthy weight range for my height. it’s gotten to the point where i feel guilty after every meal because i feel like i don’t deserve the food . i get stuck in loops of eating feeling guilty getting stressed stress eating and then feeling guilty about that and it ruins my mood and my mental health

vague diagnoses of ed’s can leave people really confused and feeling like imposters in their diagnosis because you don’t really know what’s wrong with you . people play down your ed because bc it’s not a well known thing with set characteristics and because of that people can just chalk you up to a teenage girl on a diet . ed’s affect people of every body type and can cause weight gain or weight loss or just minor fluctuations in weight bc it’s not about how your weight changes it’s about your attitude towards food and your eating behaviours . and it sucks . and talking to people outside of the ed community about it can be really difficult because they don’t really understand how “unconventional” eating disorders work because it’s different for everyone . and it really fuckinf sucks and recovery is hard but i hope that everyone struggling right now is able to make that progression further in their recovery

Empowering Plus-Size Inclusivity Jewelry: The WABISABI Story

I'm so excited to share my journey with you as I embark on this new adventure!

My name is Lia, and I am the owner and creator of WABISABI. Four years ago, I began my adventure with jewelry making as a way to cope with my struggles as a plus-size girl.

I faced depression, body dysmorphia, and a host of other challenges, but through the power of creativity and self-expression, I found a way to embrace my body and feel confident and beautiful.

I started experimenting with resin. It was a therapeutic and creative outlet for me, and I found joy in the process of bringing my ideas to life.

But I didn't stop there. I wanted to push myself further and learn new techniques, so I started studying electro-forming. It was challenging, but I was also determined to overcome these obstacles and create something beautiful.

Two years ago, I started studying goldsmithing and it has been an incredible learning experience. I have honed my skills and developed a deep appreciation for the art of jewelry making. I create sea treasure-inspired jewelry that is a blend of natural materials and intricate craftsmanship. My pieces often feature rare gemstones and other ocean-inspired elements, combined with precious metals. Each piece is unique and is sure to be a conversation starter. I love using materials from the sea in my designs because it adds a touch of whimsy and a connection to the natural world.

But now, I am proud to present WABI SABI, Our motto, "Amazing jewelry for amazing bodies," embodies our belief that everybody is worthy of love and celebration. My goal is to create pieces that not only look beautiful but also make our customers feel confident and empowered. I want every person who wears WABISABI jewelry to feel like the magical, beautiful person they are.

WABI SABI is more than just jewelry - it's a community of like-minded individuals who are dedicated to loving and accepting their bodies just as they are. Shopping as a plus-size person can be difficult and sometimes even demoralizing, but you can find a safe and inclusive space where everyone is welcomed and valued.

I am so grateful for the journey that has brought me to this point, and I am excited to continue on this path with WABISABI. Thank you for visiting and for supporting small businesses like mine. Keep an eye on this blog as I will share updates and unveil new pieces.

I hope that you find something that speaks to you and makes you feel like the magical, beautiful person you are... and if not just let me know and I will be happy to hear your story

"sharing is caring "

Lia

Nonnie you are beautiful even if you don’t believe it. No one should be shamed for the way they look and no one should feel forced to change themselves because others want them to. If you want to lose/gain weight or make any changes on your body, do it because YOU want to, not because the others say you should. This is not healthy, so if you can, please get some help because no one deserves to feel like this! //

I absolutely love your kindliness Steppy 🥹🥰

I struggled for so long because people think I'm too thin (for their liking) and that I must have an eating disorder to be like this when I'm 100% healthy and everything's fine, even some doctors make this kind of comments (one tried to make me believe that I had allergies/asthma because of it 😵). your account is a safe place ❤️‍🩹

I guess some people either don't understand how comments about your body can make you feel (I'm really flat chested and I used to be so ashamed about it, people I didn't know, my family, were making comments like I'd never find a man and all because it's "not attractive") and how ashamed and hateful towards your own body you can be and how hard it is to love yourself after, or they're projecting their own insecurities and the abuse they got from other people on you as a coping mechanism.

either way, I really hope Max is doing okay. he has nothing to be ashamed about, he's perfect during breaks with a few more kilos and without. Kelly's comments were so unnecessary and I really doubt Jos' education was really good either towards this kind of subject (body image, loving yourself and all). I wish his trainer is a better person helping him staying healthy, physically and mentally.

the fact that the driver's weight play a role in their performance and that they have to weight themselves all the times (really every day) and that they have pressure to have a certain weight all year long (they can't enjoy what they want even during holidays without thinking about losing it/burning it during training) and them losing a lot of weight in little time always make me so anxious they develop eating disorder and body dysmorphia. Valtteri bravely talked about it a few years ago (I love how he kept engaging himself, about men mental illness in November, this week for the Aboriginal for example) but if people can't understand racism, think enjoying fashion is "being gay", then I have little hope they'd understand mental illness, eating disorder, body dysmorphia 🙁 it's never okay to comment on someone's weight or making fun of someone's body. as a Lewis fan I was so ashamed some of his fan made fun of Max, it's really really disgusting, nobody deserves that

ALL OF THIS! And I’m glad you find the blog a safe place ❤️

Hi Jade! How are you? I hope you had a good week. I wanted to tell you how much I love the drabbles you’ve posted so far, especially the Hobi one and the self-conscious Jungkook one. I struggle with both of those things and they make me feel unlovable, but you make the characters so relatable that I feel like I’m truly reading about myself, and so lovely that I start to see myself more kindly. I don’t know if that was your goal, but it means a lot to me. Thank you, Jade. 💝 from 🇳🇿

🥹🥹🥹

hi bb! this week was really, really hard on me, but reading this made my heart so warm, omg.

first of all, thank you 💕 i’m so glad that you like them! i spit these drabbles out fairly quickly (otherwise i overthink, and they won’t get done at all!) so it really does touch me to hear that you enjoyed them.

on another note - i really gravitate towards these kinds of requests because i’ve also dealt with depression, imposter syndrome, body dysmorphia/ED, etc. for a long time. one of the things my therapist told me to try was to write/speak/think about me the way someone else might. if that makes sense?

so i tend to put my own internal monologues or experiences (like lacuna, a shockingly auto-biographical fanfic lol) into the angst i write for this reason. how can i frame myself - to myself - as someone that has these flaws and is worth kindness/forgiveness/love regardless?

all that to say, the intentions are actually self-centered but i’m so happy to hear that my odd coping mechanism is having a similar effect on other people 🥹

Update #?

So, life been getting a bit better with time but I’m having a hard time making friends (good consistent friends around my age) to the point I’m about to give up the idea. I tried everything but, end up getting treated bad. I had a whole as girl who said she liked me made me her girlfriend then blocked me on everything for no reason so I’m just going back to what I used to be just be better not let people in like that fr bc that last one hurt bc she blocked me right after I opened up to her about what was bothering me bc I struggle with my mental health a lot but it just prove to me that people probably think I’m too much so I’d rather be in my own space. I enjoy my own time on my own then involve people majority of the time. So, if I make friends them I do but, I’m going back to what I used to do.

I finally got the rest of my exercise equipment! Yayyy! I’ve been waiting to getting back to working out consistently since I’ve took a year break bc I went back into recovery for my ED bc I relapsed really bad after a bad relationship. So, I worked on healing my relationship for food. Now, I feel better into going to work out and doing a proper weight training and working out again so I’ll lose weight I gain properly and not be obessive like my last cut 🫶🏼.

I got some oversize clothes to help cope with what I look like currently bc I gain maybe 40-50 lbs I don’t weight myself anymore so I’m not sure. But, I’m hoping new clothes will help with beginning to build my confidence and love myself while I work on building muscle and my cut. The funny part about me gaining weight this time is I still feel pretty some days I have body dysmorphia and grieve over my ED body but I’m overall okay. I’m okay with the fact my body change and I’m happy I have a healthier body. I did take before pictures and I will be working out 5-6 days a week so in about 6 months I’ll see where I’m at if I made progress.

I bought some weights,resistant bands and sweat band to go with my treadmill I got in the beginning of the year so I’m so ready to see how I can transform in a healthier way.

In about a month from now, I’ll be going back to my hometown for two weeks to visit my family which is cool but, atleast I’ll be able to finish school by then bc I am in two summer courses that I have to try finish before I leave in June. So, today I’ll be setting up Notion and beginning my homework I’ll be planking to do a chunk of homework a day and emailing my teacher asking them to give me access to all my assignments before my trip so I start summer vacation early if I can.

Im excited for this summer bc I’ll be going different places hopefully and hopefully volunteering at the library . I’m trying to work at the library as a job until I can graduate and go Into art history job which is 50/50 if they’ll actually hire me 🥲 I am apply for an internships in the fall and planning to graduate in the winter.

But, other then that I’m still trying to complete my goals I had which I got to cross off some but the other half I’m working on still which I’m excited for more positive stuff to happen.

Personal stuff under the cut.

So February is always a bad month. Anniversary of some deaths and my dad going to jail; weather here is typically cold and the days are short so I struggle. But March picked up, things were OK, and suddenly I got a new hyperfixation.

That usually happens when my brain goes bad.

Anyway, the Batman hyperfixation kicked in (I've been reading batman off and on my whole life, but I haven't collected comics since I stopped working at a bookstore) and I started getting anxiety attacks. All the time. Work, home. Didn't matter. Some fanfic descriptions also trigger it but I have no idea why. (There’s a Jason Todd-centric one called Something in the Static, I think, which is a non-Robin Jason Lives AU, sounds fantastic, I have it open in a tab,and As soon as I look at it I start shaking. No fucking clue.) I was thinking maybe this is trauma from growing up in a home with an emotionally and verbally abusive dad leaking out by proxy, but if I haven't read the story yet, how come it's hitting like that? Either way, trust me to have an awful, uncontrollable hyperfixation that also presses on all my sharp edges until my psyche bleeds. Very on brand.

Another sign of bad brain is that I started getting fanfic ideas and also the urge to actually write. I haven't written a fic in over 5 years. And I've never written more than 9,000 words.

Except my current story is well over 30K words in only a couple weeks.

I've had some periods of gender dysphoria in the past, but it's been over 5 years since the last bout of really distressing feelings. And they're back now. And more insistent than ever. I've started buying some clothing to try and alleviate it. I also have body dysmorphia, and that's a longstanding issue, and they're feeding into each other. If I wasn't convinced I'd look fatter, I would be booking a haircut for the weekend because I can't look at myself any more. Not that I ever really did, but even reflections in elevators are uncomfortable.

I used fitbit so I can see where the endless anxiety kicked in (April 4). My resting heart rate has spiked up by 7 points and my sleep has dropped to under 4 hours a night. I'm struggling to eat, let alone eat healthily.

I have rolling anxiety attacks all day long, but I can breathe through them. But the only thing I want to do is read fanfic and scroll tumblr, so I've been doing that while on the clock at work and I can't stop. Very fucking poor coping mechanisms that will come back to bite me in the ass and I know it and I can't stop. It does help with the anxiety because the brain shuts off whatever is churning in it. I've tried listening to music and it makes it worse. Podcasts actually seem to work the way a tumblr scroll does but then I risk typing what im hearing and that's also not great.

Anyway, I'm an absolute hot mess right now. I don't have anyone I can vent to about this in real life so I'm putting it here. I have an appointment with my counselor tomorrow night, and I think im going to talk about the gender stuff... I feel like that's probably what's percolating the most because it's the least safe topic for me to talk about. But that's also terrifying for me.

Im married to someone who I've never discussed these feelings with. I've never said the words out loud. And it's beyond scary to contemplate. I don't know what I'm going to do.

I really should remind myself to look up fibromyalgia more often because it's crazy how reassuring it is to read that no, x problem you have is common with fibromyalgia and you're not, in fact, a bad person for having this issue.

I have pretty bad body dysmorphia, along with gender dysphoria, but I struggle to do anything about it. Since college I've dropped back on exercise massively, partly due to time constraints but also because of my chronic pain. But I tend to pretend that this is just a personal issue, or go into a cycle of beating myself up for not making an effort, not exercising, etc. But on looking it up, no it's not just me. When you have chronic pain that fluctuates, where you have "this is great I can do this" days and "I can barely cope with existing" days, it's very difficult to form habits, especially given that activity intolerance is common with fibro. And I beat myself up constantly that I'm not doing better, and sometimes going online and looking up "workout routines for trans masc" actually makes it worse, because I see these people who put so much work into fixing their gender dysphoria but I just. Do not work the same way. But it feels like such a relief to know that I'm not the only one who struggles like that. And I've had my diagnosis now for six? seven? years. I should be past the point of time where I'm still learning about my condition but. I'm not. Either way, it's such a relief to acknowledge these things.

Here I experimented with anatomy perspective and how injuries might show up and look like on a black and white drawing. I experimented with cartoony elf like anatomy along with more realistic proportions and shapes. for the floating woman I went for more expressive poses and anatomy, as I went for something more personal to me, and my struggles with body dysmorphia and as well as being female and how I cope with it in a unhealthy way. I tried showing it in a less gorey way, by taking a more artistic approach.

I'm quite happy with how it turned out, and id like to recreate this again but better and more defined.

TW: ED & SA

Gemma Spelling is one of the angrier protagonists I’ve written, and she has some pretty good reasons (other than being a triple fire sign). One of the things that’s addressed in This Dissonant Princess is that, like her older brother Garrett, she struggles with ARFID (Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder), and how her brand of this ED stems from being the Only Daughter™ while Garrett’s has its roots in being an athlete.

This has been on my mind for the last week, because I had an encounter in which somebody spoke on young women’s body dysmorphia who had -9000 authority on the subject, and how was I supposed to know I wrote a whole book that deals with this as a subject only to encounter shortly after the announcement of its publication an absolutely bananas situation in which somebody used the struggle of young women as a convenient prop?

This is far from the first time I’ve been through something like that — I think women can universally attest to the experience of somebody speaking on our experiences who really Should Not. I once, in a *work training* several years ago, had to sit through a boundaries training in which the instructor (a middle-aged white man) explained to a room full of women that our body language was what determined whether or not we’d be sexually assaulted. There were around 20 women in that room, and if you know the statistic, that meant 5 women in that room either already had been or would be sexually assaulted in her lifetime. That man was being paid to tell us it was our fault.

The way that women cope with these situations is our choice. How one woman reacts in the face of misogyny and trauma is going to vary wildly to the next, and this isn’t even touching on the way that intersectionality has a significant impact in this trauma and the reactions to it.

This is the main topic of This Dissonant Princess. Gemma reacts to her trauma the way that she chooses, and that reaction isn’t some rando’s business, when they think it might be. Fictional and real women alike face being told how, exactly, to be the appropriate woman — all the time.

I drew Gemma screaming 4 or 5 times. We’ll all be screaming our whole lives 🤩

June 23, 2023. The urgent, hopeful moment. Need to change, scared to change.

I just hate how long it took for me to figure all this out about myself.

The C-PTSD stuff. The ADHD stuff. The dysregulated nervous system stuff. The social anxiety/hypersexuality and people pleasing stuff.

The food stuff. The money stuff. The depression/EMDR/shroom stuff.

I can’t help but feel like I missed out on so much at UO. Better learning experiences in my class. Better networking with my classmates and professors. Better romantic and sexual partners. Better friends and connections.

I think now that if I went back, I would’ve been able to take full advantage of everything. Getting more financial aid. More work experience. More fun experiences.

More insight on the design and entertainment industries.

More know-how when it comes to working out. And eating well.

So there’s the grief and regret of that, combined with the stress and pressure and wastefulness and naïveté of the 100k in student loans, combined with the grief and regret and stress and pressure from Covid and the derailment of my mental health (and thus, career)

The pain of not having known.

I’m glad I’m at least figuring it out now, though.

I’d rather it be now than 5 years from now, or 10 years, or 20.

I’m still young. I have time to get strong and fast again.

I guess what I’m really worried about right now is the storm right in front of me:

This damn house.

Housing search.

Job search. & UNT.

Career search. (RP progression, design loss)

Food.

Trauma resurfacing.

General mental health.

General disorganization.

Body dysmorphia.

Needing friends.

Medical needs, like toe, neck.

I’m nervous, because even though I have time because of the loan, moving into a new place can cost like $2500 or more because of deposits.

And on top of that, I’m nervous about getting a job that can pay enough to cover expenses combined with the loan.

Am I skilled enough? Can I finesse my way into higher pay? Or do I need to get my existing issues taken care of, like the trauma/nervous system/freeze state/dissociation, before I can successfully learn and interview my way into a decent job?

Basically, it’s a lot for one person to deal with at one time.

Especially someone with ADHD and depression, and no therapist.

I know I need to adjust my expectations of how much I can finish in one day, but I know I also struggle heavily with self discipline (which isn’t helped by the ADHD and trauma) and I’m scared of continuing to enable myself and dissociate until I run out of time and money.

So, it seems like the real underlying needs, AKA the ‘wrenches in the machine’ are:

Food.

Physical therapy.

Therapy.

Fighting the Freeze/Fawn.

Networking/Professional work.

Once I get food and physical therapy, I’ll have workouts as a physical outlet for the anxiety and stress.

Once I start therapy and EMDR and processing the trauma, and learning how to cope with existing depression/anxiety, I’ll have less severe reactions to triggers and curveballs. I’ll also have more mental energy to live and work with the ADHD and disorganization.

300 of 2023

LGBTQA+ survey.

general questions: are you out of the closet? I don't even know. I don't really overthink it, only certain people know. who has been accepting of your identity? My sister and my friends. For my parents, it was a bitter pill to swallow, but eventually they got over it. who has been unaccepting? My parents at first. how do you cope with those who are unaccepting? I genuinely don't care. gender identity/expression questions what is/are your gender identity(s)? I'm just a boring cis dude, but I don't really label myself in any way, I guess I'm just "male by default". how you personally define your identity? I don't. I just happen to be a man. I don't really understand what "feeling a gender" means. how long have you identified that way/how long have you known? Since forever. It's been obvious to me that I'm a guy. do you have other identities/words you relate to/associate with but don't necessarily identify as? I don't label myself, I've never liked excessive labels. If someone likes them, it's fine by me, but I don't feel the need to use them. how strongly do you experience dysphoria, if at all? Well, I'm not sure if this can be called dysphoria, but I don't like certain parts of my body and I wouldn't mind if they weren't there, but I would never want the opposite ones. if you do have dysphoria, what are some specific issues you struggle with on a daily basis? As said above, and I think it's rather body dysmorphia than full dysphoria. if you do not have dysphoria, what were key factors in the journey to your current identity? I've been identifying the same way forever, there's nothing "current" in it. how do you want to be perceived as, aesthetically/socially? (i.e dainty, mature, strong, child-like, ethereal, etc.) Like a mystery. I want to be seen as strong and smart. what primary pronouns do you prefer? Just plain boring he/him/his. do you have auxiliary (secondary) pronouns? No, but I'm fine with they/them if someone is unsure of who I am, i. e. on internet forums. how do you like to present yourself? (masculine? feminine? somewhere in between, or neither? it depends?) Masculine, but with somewhat androgynous twist. Clothes have no gender for me anyway, so I buy in both male and female sections. The onluy things I don't wear are obviously feminine things, like dresses or floral patterns. does how you present/dress fluctuate? No, it doesn't. does your identity correspond with how you present? (i.e. you identify as feminine leaning and wear traditionally feminine clothing) I think it does. have you made any major changes to your appearance since identifying with your gender? No, I've been always a plain dude, so this question is irrelevant to me. is buying clothing a difficult process for you? No, it's not. tw do you want different genitalia, if so what/why? (this includes having both, neither, either, or something else) I think mine are not necessary to me, so having neither would be okay. I fefinitely wouldn't want female genitals, though. what advice would you give to a fellow lgbt person? I don't have anything smart to say, everyone's story is different. what advice would you give to someone who is questioning? Give yourself time, whatever you feel like right now is valid. sexuality questions what is/are your sexual orientation(s)? Gay, but asexual, possibly arospec as well. I'm so much into guys, but I'm not into sex or overly romantic gestures. are you sex repulsed? More like indifferent or meh, I would be fine if I never had sex again. how you personally define who/what you're attracted to? I don't have a type, my attraction is all over the place. As long as he presents as male and identifies so. what would your ideal partner(s) be, as far as gender identity/appearance? As I said, I don't have types. I've been aesthetically attracted to different guys, I seem to be more drawn to personalities. are you currently in a relationship? Yes, I'm married. if so, is your partner aware of your identity? Yeah, he is. does your partner share your orientation? (do they identify the same as you?) Not fully. We're both arospec, but he's bisexual and I'm a gay ace. are you monogamous, polyamorous or neither? Very much monogamous. I tend to be drawn to multiple guys at once, but not in a relationship way. tw are you attracted to or repulsed by certain genitalia? Genitals in general are meh, but I'm not repulsed by male genitals. I'm strongly repulsed by female genitals, though. I can't help it. does a persons genitalia matter more to you than their gender identity/expression, specifically in a sexual relationship/context? No. I've been in a relationship with a trans guy before, and since I'm ace, I don't really care about their "equipment".