#I still struggle with relapses | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bloos-bloo · 2 months

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So a little different from what I normally post on here. But I’ve been keeping up with Shelby coming out about the abuse Wilbur did to her. And the way that the internet is handling this like it’s some drama? Like no? The fuck it isn’t?? It’s literally a crime-

A human bite is so fucking dangerous and the fact that she had MULTIPLE BITES? Insane?? What the fuck?

I will admit, I avoided watching her stream since I’m also an abuse survivor. I constantly undermine my experiences- I hate calling myself a victim because I don’t believe the severity of it was as bad as it could have been. But, listening to Shelby talk about her trauma made me realize that abuse is abuse.

I’m gonna go on a small rant here- just because this whole thing has been kinda sending me in a spiral-

I listened to the stream and I sympathized with her and understood her. When you’re in an abusive situation, it’s really hard to find it in yourself to get out. Finding reasons why the bruises aren’t bad and that it could be worse. Trying to get people to understand that it’s not your abusers fault, that you did something to piss them off. I get that- I went through that.

I was a kid. My abuser was a kid. He would either use his or my own body to get me to listen to him. We were in middle school for fuck sake- Did he hit me? Yes. Did he verbally assault me? Yes. Were we both minors? Yes. Does this make my situation seem less than any other? I don’t know- Again, I can’t bring myself to fully accept the fact that I am a victim despite the fact it happened a few years ago at this point.

Now, the half-assed apology Wilbur posted deadass reminded me of mine. When someone is caught, they do everything to pin the reason for their actions on anybody else but themselves. And that’s what he did. He apologized for her feelings getting hurt, not the fact that he caused it. I went through that, but I was forced to accept the apology through my school officials- I had to so we can ‘maintain the peace’. I love the fact that Shelby publicly said that she didn’t accept it. She was so strong for so long- she didn’t deserve that, nobody does.

And the fact that people online are trying to force responses out of EVERYBODY? They shouldn’t do that- and again, I understand taking time to recollect. You know how long I spent staying around my abuser just because I had friends who still talked to him? So long. But at the same time, I couldn’t drop him either for a while- He was my best friend- and despite the fact he hurt me so badly. I couldn’t drop him.

Give people time to say something. It’s a LOT harder than it seems- it’s different for fans since we don’t know CCs beyond the internet, but for CCs who talking irl and have been for years? It’s so damn hard-

To other abuse survivors: Remember that you are loved, you are strong, and you are so fucking brave.

Please give all your support to Shelby, and fuck Wilbur.

#bloo’s talks #Please support victims #tw abuse #I don’t know what to tag for these kinds of posts tbh #also this is as open as I will get about my experiences-#it’s still hard for me to talk about since I only remember bits and pieces #I used to have screenshots #but those were on an old phone that I can’t find #But yeah- dealing with something that serious at such a young age fucked me up #I still struggle with relapses #like bad ones-#it hurts to get in relationships sometimes because of it #which is weird since it was a friendship? but I was nearly manipulated into a relationship #love yourself #remember that #also I said something similar to this on my Twitter #but writing out something like this kinda helps yk?#support shelby #seemed like a better tag tbf

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arionawrites · 6 months

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decided to make a list of all my diagnosed issues and like fucking. god damn. how am i just living day to day.

#nine bullet points #of diagnosed things i struggle #i struggle with #1. type one diabetes 2. adhd 3. bipolar 4. severe anxiety 5. depression 6. insomnia 7. migraines 8. dpdr 9. ptsd #and im just ?? existing like this??? literally how what the fuck #there’s more than that too thats just like the actual able to be diagnosed shit #probably also at least slightly autistic but my psychologist said that its not bad enough to impact me big time and a diagnosis would do mor #more harm than good so im just kind. Not lmao #but also: abandonment issues self worth issues guilty conscience issues feeling unworthy of literally everything issues #awful at establishing boundaries #sh issues #(not for like years but its a struggle to not relapse every year esp during winter)#suicidal ideation but at least ive never actually been suicidal #not bc i particularly love being alive but because the fact that i dont know what comes after death scares me too much lmao #even at my lowest of lows i have not wanted to kms SOLELY bc the unknown scares me enough to be like #yeah this sucks but at least i know it #at least it’s like familiar which is sad but still true lma #OH ALSO eating disorder lmao. diabulimia is a thing.#genuinely how have i not been fucking hospitalized #not in a bad way but like. idk how i havent gotten to that point yet #tho to be fair there are multiple points i probably should have been tbh #i just. dont want to worry people? or inconvenience anyone. and i know im not gonna kms so its easy to be like ‘i dont need that’#i have overshared way too much in these tags sorry i’ll stop now #if anyone has actually read all of these: i’m sorry. i love you. i hope you feel better than i do. i hope you smiled today.

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vulcan-moon · 1 year

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Yknow, its completely up to you if you want to answer this or not. But.

I always believed people with similar troubles understand each other to an extend others cant do. Your art, the way you draw, I don't know, it tells a story that is too familiar to me, too close to home. Not that it got any better for me, Im trying to clean up still an addict some might say. But thank you. I also really hope you're okay. 🫶

i think there is a kind of solidarity in being able to recognise in other ppls art similar experiences. i hope it does get better for you - even if you look at yourself now and compare it to where you were last year, any improvement is improvement. i am reluctantly accepting myself that healing takes a long, long time. i'm as okay as i can be right now, i'm learning to use healthy coping mechanisms like art and writing as an outlet, but it's always going to be a journey and i'm always going to have bad days. i'm learning too that there's no one right way that recovery looks like.

#asks #been sitting on this one a while bc i wasnt sure how to answer it idk #i still struggle with depression and sh and ive kind of accepted that it will always be something i struggle with #which has made relapses seem less like earth shattering failures that i set up for myself #and more like opportunities for harm reduction and stuff iunno #mental health is hard and expecting myself to be Normal has only ever put extra pressure on me that made me worse #accepting that im kind of always going to be like this but i can manage symptoms has been a hard pill to swallow but it's made like #an idea of recovery seem more attainable and realistic rather than something ill never have

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disengaged · 26 days

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alright anorexia is boring, let’s get yolked

#yeah so i gained 20lbs and started hitting the gym pretty hard two months ago #struggling with weight restoration/relapse urges worse than ever BUT i’m also feeling good about my progress and enjoying myself immensely #honestly didn’t realize how bad i missed lifting #and now that i have time off work i can actually focus on getting my nutrition right (i.e. actually consuming enough protein for once)#pegasus speaks #my face #my ancient ipod camera is shit quality but my abs are starting to show for the first time in like … 1.5 years lol #and im pleased with my anterior/lateral delts! although my pecs need some serious work. wtf #i train chest 2-3x/week and i can still see bones fml #ed ment tw #weight tw #ask to tag #i feel like i’m kind of relearning all my limits. like in terms of physical/mental energy and stuff. idk #doing a lot of research and figuring it out as i go. trying to avoid falling into systemic fatigue etc #as much as i love the gym i do have to compensate in other areas of my life #if i want to push myself this hard then that’s my choice. but like. i need to give up on doing other things. give and take. spoon theory #etc etc etc

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placeinthisworld · 4 months

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#bro i know it sounds silly but i feel so fucking stupid for still struggling w my mh the way that i do #like it’s so embarrassing i’m literally bullying myself in my brain to the point of wanting to relapse and for what reason?#my brain is just so fucked up? and the one therapist i was actually honest with dumped me bc i was too complicated???#like i swear to goooood it’s just easier to *** but like how do you get over that feeling of just not being good enough or stable enough #or smart enough or nice enough #genuinely not sure if it’s the stress or anxiety or if i’m really just not good enough for this #i can’t tell if i’m being dramatic or if it’s my bpd making me upset or if how i feel is justified and i literally have nobody to tell me #just a rant bc i’m so fucking sad i could do something bad about it but im consciously not does that mean anything?

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opiodae · 1 year

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i love adhd i love depression i love cptsd i love not having appetite and starving i love not having drive to do my hobbies i love not being able to reciprocate emotions to my partners i just love myself so much rn :'3

#disability #rant #im so tired lately #i been trying to motivate myself so much lately but im actually struggling so hard still #im still feeling bad about relapsing and ruining my clean run #still needing weed #i hope i get insurance soon i really feel like i need medication or therapy #sobs

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mainfaggot · 4 months

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tw eating disorder talk, pt.2 to the last post in the tags (once again, no mention of numbers that could be triggering, just a heartfelt rant bc I've been so afraid of talking about these things on here, but i really just need to get everything out bc . I feel crazy)

#so basically it was bad. this past summer the relapse was so sugarcoated in the sense that #i was telling myself it was fine. it didn't look the same as it did at my very worst #it didn't even feel the same #but it wasn't fulfilling either. it was stressful. it was exhausting. i was using my anorexia as a way to distract from having depression #i needed to feel a sense of achievement and i got it! but at the cost of my physical health #and my mental health was all over the place like less depressed sure. but way more anxious #it was weird. because even now i have to tell myself it wasn't okay. it wasn't fine. it's not worth it it's not WORTH IT #part of me keeps romanticizing it bc i was so in control and i was still working a little and still functioning in a socially acceptable way #but i know how much anxiety it gave me on a daily basis. only i know how my body ached and how low i felt from my immunity going to shit #only I know what it's like to have horrible circulation and constant weakness #no one else will live my life for me #I'm sure there are people who can live the way i was. im sure there are people who thrive like that #but they only thrive for a short time before it all comes crashing fown #and it's not worth the comparison bc when im suffering theyre not going to help me out!!!!!#when im struggling with the weight of it all. the people that promote tiny little portions and academic excellence with no room for #self compassion #they're not going to nurse me back to health #i won't feel a sustained sense of satisfaction from restricting and studying until i pass out from exhaustion. I've done that before #perfectionism is a parasite and this is a disease. it's a fucking mental illness and it's not even about vanity for me like thats just a #fraction of it #anyway #z.post

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perenlop · 1 year

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thinking abt mlp future au and man i want to put starlight and trixie together bc in concept its such a good pairing but in execution....

#hrm. it isnt great #i do want starlight in there but considering sunset takes her spot on the main cast for the most part shes gonna get a lot of rewriting #shes still gonna get redeemed but she'll have a different backstory and a different redemption arc and she'll still struggle and relapse #like she does in the show but she'll actually like improve on it and stuff. and when she does hurt trixie she'll actually learn from part 1 #and stop doing that and learn on her own #like. man i dont blame people for not liking her. i dont really care for her as she is in canon bc i think shes badly handled #but i still wanna do stuff with her #i wanna give her and trixie a kid but theyll be wayyyyy younger than most bc starlight waited til she was in a good place #to have a position of power over a child in that way #echoed voice #idk i just. im put off by some fanon portrayals of her ive seen #that are A Little Much

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makkie-is-screaming · 7 months

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Told my bestie abt the ed shit my cousins been saying n she was like “nah tell her to get help or shut up n starve in silence u don’t need to hear that shit”. Also it’s so funny talking abt my ed in the past tense w my bestie like I haven’t been intermitten fasting n counting cals since my relapse n February.

#Like she knows I still occasionally struggle but not that I majorly relapsed #n like I’m not bringing that up cuz it’s my shit to deal w n I know I don’t want to recover so saying anything to her is just dumb #plus she’s had n ed so I don’t want to trigger her or anything #ed shit #screaming

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girlwithfish · 1 year

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this sucks bc i didnt care when i was alone and could do whatever i wanted and harm myself andcthen i still feel alone eben when im in a relationship bc ik what. ido affects them andxits selfish to want love or support rn and ik they csn feel how they feel abt it and be angry bc of guikt or something and its a lot better than past relapses where its hours of aftermath yelling crying arguing but it still feels so bad. but i guess ill take it over past times. but im just sitting in bed not sure what to do. guess ill try to get some work done bc were not speaking rn? idk

#sh tw #i just deal w it alone i didnt even tell anyone when i did it and waired all day to tell my bf bc i didnt want to deal w the aftermath #and the consequences of my actions i guess Lolll but aaa im struggling! its so lonely soemtimes #reminds me of last summer my relapse was way worse and i bruised my legs too in a parking lot alone and i was actually alone cuz i was long #distance kinda fake ldr yk cuz we wernt in the same city and my family was gone too soo #Most alone ive been #But i feel so alone #what can i expect when i do bad stuff i guss but stipid part of me wants to just be like comforted. i guess. but i lied so thats bad #and i understand its hard. idk #really this relapse isnt as bad as last yr. last yr im still dwaling w the scars and theyre arill very visible

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zmpl · 2 years

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not to get serious on main but i just looked back on a selfie i took when i was 13 and incredibly depressed and it’s made me think about how far i’ve come

#don’t get me wrong my struggle with mental illness is still a daily struggle #but i recently hit 1 year clean from SH which is not something i’ve ever accomplished in the 12 years i’ve been dependent on SH #i’d always make it 6 months max before relapsing again #but I’ve made it a whole year and that’s kind of worthy of celebration #self harm mention

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smellyprincetm · 2 years

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i feel so embarassed about my body and my eating habits whenever im with my sister, cause we used to eat loads of stuff together and share the same size, but now we cant anymore simply cause i lost weight and avoid food at all cost

#i notice her trying to follow in my steps and it seriously makes me want to kill myself #she sneaks food cause she doesnt want me seeing her eat and it makes me feel so fucking horrible that ive done this to her #she tries to eat like me but then begs me to eat so she could too #she cant keep up with my diet and restriction #but she still tries to and its heartbreaking #she has struggled with it in the past so im afraid i triggered a relapse #but shes older than me so i always expected her to be smarter than me

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thebumblingbee · 2 years

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#TW mental health struggles #but the itch to make bad choices is back #and it feels like it’s going to get worse and worse until I break down and relapse #I feel so stupid being 24 years old and still struggling with this #(not that I think suffering should have an age limit)#(anybody who fights this fight is so incredibly brave)#(I just have unrealistic expectations for myself)#I really need to go to therapy again but I can’t afford it 🙃#so I yell into the void on here #and if you’ve ever sent me a nice message but I don’t respond #it is because I keep them to look at when I’m feeling bad

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ghostickle · 9 days

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