#I promise I'll make it up to you all
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Warning : This post is going to be a very personal rage dump/rant.
There are heavy topics involved, including cancer and death. Also explicit language.
Out of consideration and respect to those of you who would prefer not to read it (since I completely understand why you wouldn’t want to), I will continue under the cut
Also pictures of my dogs, to break up the doom and gloom ^^"
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I absolutely despise, loathe, hate toxic people.
Especially when those toxic people are the “wolf in sheep’s clothing” type.
Especially when those people don’t have the fucking balls to confront others directly and just choose to slink about behind the scenes like scummy little vermin.
So… my uncle Joe passed away a few days ago.
It was expected. He had been battling pancreatic cancer, which ended up spreading into his liver and lungs.
With that being said, even though he will be dearly missed, at least he no longer has to suffer.
I was close with my uncle.
In fact, it’s no exaggeration to say that I was much closer to him than I was with my own father (my Dad was a permanent presence in my life up until the day he died, but we had an extremely tumultuous, dysfunctional, volatile, abusive relationship.)
We visited my uncle Joe regularly ever since I was a baby, all the way up until somewhat recently. He spent countless hours at our place throughout the years. He was super close with my parents, doing tons of outdoorsy activities with them. I spent a good amount of my childhood with his family. When his wife passed away, my parents helped him and supported him. He helped us move twice. My Mom took his kids places when she was just dating my Dad. When my Dad passed away, my uncle Joe was there for me without me even having to ask.
Literally everything was good between us, and always has been.
It’s also thanks to my uncle Joe that we gained a new furry member of our family last year, who we named Dandy 💙 my uncle’s dog had puppies, he asked how many we wanted, so we took one lol
(I’ll include a few poor quality pictures because… well, I should probably break up this message with a little “positivity”, right?)
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This was Dandy when he was still just a baby, 4 weeks and 3 days old.
Look at the cute little potato 🥹
We visited my uncle Joe every week to see him grow and develop, anxiously waiting until he was old enough to bring home.
And this was the day he finally joined our family ~
Look at how tiny he was compared to my one Black Lab (sorry for the terrible quality picture. Our carpets are old, but I swear they don't look that dingy ^^")
And here's Dandy today, one year and five months later ~
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Anyway! Back to my rage-fueled rant :
My uncle Joe met someone about a year and a half ago, and she moved in with him pretty quickly.
Which certainly wasn't a bad thing. We were genuinely happy for him.
She seemed very nice, sweet, accepting, kind, receptive, and welcoming.
But for whatever reason, the dynamic changed the moment my uncle fell ill and the control landed in her hands.
Since my uncle Joe was sick, we all mutually decided that it would be best if communication was between my Mom/me and her (we would text her to check in to see how he was doing, as well as find out if/when it was a good time for us to visit)
This is where some inconsistencies started to appear.
For example :
She would tell us not to visit because my uncle was too sick (which was totally understandable!), but then would tell us a few days later how he was doing great and had fishing trips planned all week.
I 100% believed her at the time.
After all, everyone has both good and bad days.
But then when we would visit, my uncle Joe told us how he couldn’t fish anymore because the chemo was causing neuropathy in his hands, and he couldn’t hold his fishing pole or cast/reel the line in.
Though we just assumed he discovered those issues after she told us about those supposed fishing trips.
But the true eye-opener happened during our one visit. My uncle Joe welcomed us into his home, we talked, found out some updates about his health (which was declining), etc. He was open/transparent with us about everything.
When my uncle went to the bathroom during that visit, his girlfriend made the comment “I probably should have told you guys not to come here, since he’s in a lot of pain today.”
Knowing my uncle, I didn’t budge from my seat. I knew that if he wasn’t up for company, he wouldn't hesitate to tell us to leave.
And I’m glad we didn’t leave… because literally 10 minutes later, her granddaughter came waltzing in to visit her.
My uncle came out of the bathroom, sat on the sofa doubled over in pain as he was talking to me and my Mom (at this time, we asked him directly if we should leave, since we knew he was dealing with a lot and we didn't want to overstay our welcome. He told us not to leave, that we could stay because he felt like shit regardless).
But as he was sitting there, clearly in pain, his girlfriend and her granddaughter asked him to get up and carve a watermelon for them instead of doing it themselves.
What sense does that make?
'I should have told you guys to stay away, but I’m gonna make him strain himself and carve a watermelon for us even though he’s already suffering and struggling enough'
…. Okay. Fuck you too.
We obviously didn’t say anything. We just visited for a little while longer, then left with a friendly/cordial “goodbye, nice to see you again” to her and her granddaughter, told my uncle that we would be thinking about him and see him again, and wished them a good day.
Two and a half months passed before we heard from them again.
Why? Because she refused to answer our numerous calls and texts.
She deliberately ignored us, which actively prevented us from having an opportunity to see my uncle.
And she knew damn well that we wouldn’t just show up at my uncle’s house unannounced because we didn’t want to disturb him if he wasn’t feeling up for company.
We only got in contact with him again after he directly called our phone and left a message saying “hey, just checking in. I hope you’re both doing okay, since I haven’t heard from either of you in a while. Stop by when you can”.
So we went to his house.
When we explained the situation to my uncle Joe/passive aggressively confronted his girlfriend, her excuse was “oh, sorry. The reception here is bad so my phone was probably just acting up.”
For two and a half months?
Even though she was literally using her phone in front of us, which appeared to be working perfectly fine?
Even though she’s always on her phone every time we see her?
Even though she could have reached out to us, yet chose not to? Not even once in two and a half months??
I call bullshit.
My Mom even told her that she was on the verge of sending a text that said “okay, cunt.” since we thought she was ignoring us after not responding to our multiple texts/calls.
We all laughed it off as a joke, Joe's girlfriend even said “hahaha, I probably would have laughed if I got a text like that!” … but it most certainly was not a joke.
(My Mom is extremely outspoken and normally doesn’t hold back, especially when it counts. She’s the type of person you either love or hate, but she’s definitely one of a kind and the perfect example of a strong, independent woman who gives zero fucks lol)
Anyway, that visit went well. We behaved like usual, talked to both my uncle and his girlfriend normally, caught up on stuff, etc.
After that interaction, his girlfriend miraculously responded to every single call and text (bad reception, huh? Funny how she had zero service issues after we called her out in front of my uncle)
But basically every time we talked with her, she would say “it’s not a good time to come by, he’s really sick.”
And we would always respond with things like “we totally understand”, “thank you so much for letting us know”, “we wish there was something we could do to help”, “we’re here for you if you ever need anything or anyone to talk to since we know this also isn’t easy for you”, “we’ll check in next weekend”, “please take care of yourself”, “we’ll be thinking about you”, etc.
Then finally, my uncle Joe told us to stop up again two weeks ago. So we did.
He was extremely sick and remained in bed, but we said hello and he told us that we are more than welcome there and we could just visit with his girlfriend. So we did. The visit remained cordial and friendly.
The next day, my uncle called and apologized for not getting up when we were there.
We immediately told him that he has absolutely no reason to be sorry, that we completely and wholeheartedly understand, that we would understand even if he told us to leave the moment we arrived, and that we were keeping him in our thoughts.
The week after that, his girlfriend said he was too sick for company (which again, we obviously understood and thanked her for letting us know, wished them the best, etc).
We didn’t visit my uncle Joe after that. He passed away before we had another opportunity to see him.
Now, here’s where my anger starts to come into play :
His girlfriend didn’t let us know when he passed away.
We found out from my other uncle, Mike, two days later. (My Dad had 3 brothers. His eldest brother is my uncle Joe who just passed away. His youngest brother is my uncle Mike who let us know what happened.)
So my Mom called her and offered her condolences, asked how she was doing, told her that we’re here for her, and asked about the arrangements. My Mom also told her that Mike was the one who let us know about Joe.
She made the comment “there’s going to be a small ceremony, but only for immediate family.”
Which didn’t make sense to me or my Mom. We were both very close with my uncle Joe, we are family. So that comment seemed a bit… off?
But we dismissed it and instead talked to my uncle Mike.
We asked him to please keep us updated, since we wanted to pay our respects to my uncle Joe and our family.
Well… I don’t know what the Hell that lady said to my cousin (Joe’s son), but he told my uncle Mike not to tell us anything else.
That snake in the grass obviously ran back and told my cousin that we found out about Joe’s passing from Mike.
But uhh... We deserved to know.
Now, we literally just found out this morning that the ceremony was held yesterday. We weren't invited (the day/time wasn't publicly announced).
We were excluded. We were denied the opportunity to say our final goodbye.
I blame his girlfriend. Completely and entirely.
I especially find it super interesting that she didn’t attend the ceremony either… almost like she was afraid that we might possibly show up and confront her (which we would never do, purely out of respect for my uncle Joe)
When my uncle Mike told us, he apologized. But we told him that we don’t blame him, since we certainly didn’t want to put him in the middle of it.
It just pisses me the fuck off.
Bad enough she actively prevented us from seeing my uncle Joe, even on his “good” days. But then to keep us away from the ceremony too?
And she HAD to have fed my cousin a bunch of lies and bullshit to cause him to tell my uncle Mike not to inform us of anything. (Luckily for us, my uncle Mike loves to talk so he didn’t mind spilling the tea. He just felt guilty for not doing so sooner. But I understand why he waited, and I hold zero animosity towards him)
It’s especially confusing and upsetting since we always remained on good terms with all of my cousins.
We saw my cousins regularly, got along well with them, joked around with them.
Literally nothing that we did or didn’t do would warrant such a reaction from them.
If there was any fault on our end, I certainly wouldn’t be angry about this situation or waste my time typing this up. (I'm not the type of person who plays the victim, I admit when I'm wrong and own up to my faults/wrongdoings. That just isn't the case here.)
So it’s seriously a mystery to me… which is why I blame my uncle Joe’s girlfriend.
Absolutely nothing changed in the decades of knowing my uncle and his kids. Literally the only recent change was her coming into the picture.
(I also want blame my cousin, since he’s older than me and has a mind of his own… but I also know that he’s grieving the loss of his father, so I feel like that bitch took advantage of the situation to say whatever she wanted about us while my cousin is vulnerable and not thinking clearly/properly).
Regardless of the finer details…. I am absolutely livid.
It’s like a giant “fuck you” to us, like we aren’t good enough, like our feelings don’t matter.
And that pisses me off beyond belief.
I’m debating whether or not I should confront her.
On one hand, I probably should just let it go and move on.
But on the other hand… I want to play dumb, call her, and be like “How are you doing? Do you know when the ceremony is?“ just to see what she says.
And then tell her to go fuck herself.
Is that immature of me? Sure.
But I’m angry. Annoyed. Irritated. Fuming. My rage is boiling, my wrath is building. And I feel like exploding.
Needless to say… my Mom was right. That lady is a cunt. A toxic, festering, diabolical, oozing, gaping, pungent cunt.
If you’ve read up to this point, I genuinely apologize for dumping all of this off here.
I just needed to vent a bit.
I also owe everyone who has tagged me a HUGE thank you. You have all given me a much needed distraction from everything, plus I genuinely love being tagged.
So I will absolutely start posting/replying to those a little later (I've already started on them and have them saved in my drafts, I just want to finish them all and post everything at once lol)
#I might delete this later#I find comfort in the idea that Satan would be proud of my wrath/anger right now lol#all joking aside....#I have so much to say to her yet she's not worth the time or energy#I'm over the two-faced high school bullshit#maybe she likes drama but I don't#just another reason for me to hate people#it might be sad to say but....#... Tumblr is the only place where I can count on interacting with genuinely nice people#I just feel bad for being so damn dismissive/absent lately#I promise I'll make it up to you all#and thank you for being so patient with me 💙#nerdy talks#nerdy vents#nerdy rages#?#I am angry#personal#rest in peace uncle joe 💙
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one thing about ik is that she will always reach out
#obey me#art#i had the idea for this and managed to bulldoze through drawing it all without losing motivation halfway through#but Do Not expect me to post art this frequently in future#idk how to do panels so if the middle bit with the text might be laid out weird#i added the stars and feathers and stuff because there was a bunch of empty space around the boxes#obey me satan#jtta ik#(btw the crumbling symbol next to the exploding feather is the wrath symbol from in-game)#(with the pride symbol attached upside down at the bottom)#(not so much symbolism as it is just me whacking you over the head with the point but it looks cool)#i had a lot of fun doing satan's more monstrous design so i might try my hand at some of the other demons later?#i do have some ideas for levi (deep sea creatures are just really fun)#also happy nightbringer release day!! it showed up on my homescreen like half an hour ago and i was like “wait what”#for some reason i thought it wasn't releasing til next week??#the new genshin patch is today as well so looks like i'll have plenty to do with the rest of my free time for the easter hols#(i promise i'm also working on the next chapter of jtta but i am so stuck on how to get lucifer actually Talking)#anyway. here's a gold star for making it through all my rambling in the tags for anyone who did so: ⭐
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nemona feels like an obscure blorbo instead of the main rival character from the latest pokemon game because to get to her really good content from people who really get it, you first have to wade through the ocean of yandere pervert obsessive stalker annoying punchable bimbo amazon goddess interpretations of...
... a neurodivergent and possibly disabled high schooler who's desperately trying to make any friends or get any support from her rich neglectful family - while everyone in her school is jealous of their own imagined version of a privileged asshole version of her they made up - who deeply and platonically loves and supports the one new kid who agreed to take the time to get to know and respect her and her special interest without having to hold back her true self
unlike her, it's not great!
kinda feels like she has the same problem in our world that she does in hers.
#(except much hornier)#i hate to say it but i think her skin color has something to do with it#nemona pokemon#nemona#pokemon sv#pokemon scarvio#pokemon scarlet and violet#pokemon#nemonaposting#dog girl and goku memes are fine i guess#i legitimately cannot google her without a video of someone being cruel to her on purpose and making her visibly sad coming up#i don't think people like that really browse these tags but i hope they're not the reason she was not in the dlc footage at all#and thus may never get more screen time to actually be her best friend's 'rival for life' as promised before the 3 year cycle marches on#you know the dlc about nemona's best friend and 'greatest treasure' transferring to a school about the hardcore battles she's dying without#potentially abandoning her and sending her back to almost square one on having a reason to enjoy life#don't get me started yelling about that again#also i didn't mean platonically in a don't ship them kind of way you should absolutely do that if it lines up with your interpretations#i usually do in fact#just trying to emphasize the contrast between canon and fanart here#opinions of her already start off so low faith just because she's from the 10 fps pokemon game and i'll be real i wish she wasn't#i wish she and her friends were somewhere i could trust that they would be treated respectfully by their copyright holders
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i made the mistake of listening to the pjo musical while also being on a spy x family kick and came to the horrifying realization that Damian is so Annabeth-coded, particularly combining their ambitions with the trauma of being seen as invisible and their determination to prove themselves....
so, here is a damian-centric amv to the song "My Grand Plan"
#honestly so many lines in here just scream DAMIAN DESMOND#'if you don't go go you'll never know if you'll ever be good enough'#'my grand plan' nerd damian#'you better wise up cause ill rise up bring on any challenge' ambitious boy~#'so me i tend to stand my ground i find i never can give in' determined boy 😭#and most importantly 'and someday soon i swear i dont know how or when but i PROMISE YOU I'LL NEVER BE INVISIBLE AGAIN'#'someone will notice me...'#THIS LINE JUST MAKES ME CRY FOR THE LONELY AND SAD BOY DAMIAN IS AND HOW ALL HE WANTS IS TO HAVE ALL HIS HARD WORK TO BE APPRECIATED#damian desmond#damianya#spy x family#spy x fam#damian spy x family#my grand plan#lightning thief musical#pjo musical
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day 26
someday if i can figure out how the hell people get these things made i would like to do some little destiny & malice acrylic charms. i think those are so fun. and while i mostly want them for Myself i figure that if i DID figure out the process, i should maybe open up the option to anyone else that might want them, soooo...
informal poll: if i figure out how all that works, would any of y'all be into that, and approximately how many of you?
#day 26#year 5#my ocs#destiny chainsaw#malice winterfang#i know i've said i don't really like the idea of commissions and this isnt like a PROMISE or anything#i still have a lot of research to do before i commit to a shop of any kind#BUT. i think like a redbubble or something in that vein might be a manageable project#i mention stickers specifically because that seems like a very manageable thing to produce and ship even if i didnt go through like#a service to do so#particularly because i dont think id get a TON of orders for my niche OCs lol#but if i got some practice with something small like this it MIIIIGHT help me build up to making things for a larger market like...#say... well you know what i'm about over here lmao#we've basically all but gotten the official blessings of the powers that be to make homestuck merch without fear of reprisal at this point#ANYWAY that would be a ways off and be a much MUCH bigger project both artistically and in terms of like#me learning how Online Commerce works from the seller end.#BUT I HAVE BEEN CONSIDERING IT. and it seems to me that it would at least be relatively simple to sell like. prints of old art maybe#i dunno! like i said i'll see how the poll shakes out while i do a bit more research
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PSA:
If you have related to how I have described Nathan’s struggles with his mental health and some experiences with life; emotional, physical and social etc (ignore the story/his fam background for this; I mean if you have been able to relate to his feelings/anxiety/negative physical sensations etc.)
Might be worth it to get your blood checked.
Especially B12, Vitamin D, Iron levels and Ferritin (ferritin should be 100+).
Building on top of the character, character background, and my research into trauma / mental health etc, I have always used a lot of my personal experience when describing emotions, feelings, and how mental health issues can feel like or present. It’s my attempt to make the writing feel realistic, had I experienced the things in the story or not. Aka even if the story was high fantasy and thus not realistic, I’d source my own feelings to make it ‘real’.
So. Regardless of what's causing it in the story: If you have ever related to how Nathan FEELS or describes his experience with the world and his brain… (Anxiety, depression, chronic fatigue, feeling like an outsider/in a fishbowl, easily overwhelmed or over tired; social withdrawal, social anxiety, heart palpitations, chest pains, breathlessness, dissociation, irritability, issues with cognitive function; memory, overthinking, insomnia, brain fog, panic attacks, slow recovery from physical activity, etc etc et fucking c)
Turns out bish has been chronically deficient of many things for a very long time due to stomach issues that stopped nutrients from absorbing. Antidepressants have never successfully worked for me, and it’s now looking like that’s because my mental health stuff could've largely been a physical symptom, instead of just purely mental health??
I have been on a pile of supplements for a bit now and uhh… It’s like night and day? Even with the other health stuff I've been getting treated for, it's been... So much better?? Like. Life changing amount of difference?? And I’m only just starting out fixing these deficiencies, which could take a long time. But...
Holy shit, “Better” might actually be a real thing after all?? There was a reason I've been so "stuck"???
Kind of mad… And sad. Because if this is true and I keep feeling like I have been recently, it means I’ve lost a lot of time to this. I try to focus on how good I’ve been feeling though, and stay curious for this journey of what literally feels like a second chance at life.
Just… Wanted to post this in case it could help someone else. This is a highly personal experience, mental health issues absolutely exist on their own too and there's possibly often overlap as well. But stuff like this can make existing mental health conditions worse too, so either way it’s worth checking.
Yeah. So.
Happy new year?
From someone who might be pulling a whole Phoenix moment???? xx
#Apologies for the silence here#Been going through a lot if you can imagine lol#I have a bunch of asks and messages to catch up to#I'm so sorry for taking forever#It might take me a bit longer still but I promise I'll get back on here at some point hopefully soon#Your messages mean so much to me<3#Take care everyone <3#Also#the description of Nathan's experience could and would still be rather accurate#even if you don't have these physical health issues!!#Depression and anxiety etc from a deficiency is still depression and anxiety#+ when I write Nathan I have a set of mental health “maps” or “guides” for his character (like C-PTSD and CEN and OCD)#Yes I use my own feelings and experiences to describe his anxiety etc#But his character is built around specific mental health markers / trauma research / symptoms etc (like C-PTSD and CEN and OCD)#So I'm pretty sure Nathan's POV would still look very similar based on just that research and ignoring the stuff in this post#Hope this all makes sense :'o
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I fucking love Ryan Gosling in these Barbie interviews. Someone asked "hey what would Ken say in his bio on a dating app? what kind of person is he looking for?" and Ryan's like "uh... well before he even looks for a Type Of Person™, he's gotta be real up front that he's got no job... and no house... no real prospects of any sort, really, he just kinda sleeps on the beach, and -- you know what, he doesn't even have a phone? I... I don't know if he can even sign up for this app?" and Margot said "oh but he has abs. That should get him somewhere" and he said "no, no, I don't think he even has an email address, I don't think there's any way to contact him??"
and it's like three minutes of them talking about Ken not even having any pickup lines because his way of flirting isn't even flirting, it's him picking up something Barbie accidentally dropped (even though Barbie doesn't make mistakes) and saying "oh hey you dropped this 😳" and then offering it to Barbie and then when Barbie says thank you while making eye contact he's shaking and thinking "oh god what a perfect day Barbie looked at me" and then he'll ride that high the entire day. and the interviewer was like "but that isn't a pickup line" and Ryan said "no I don't... I don't think Ken does that, I think he just creates moments with Barbie and cherishes them" WHAT THE HELL SIR YOU'RE MAKING ME FALL FOR KEN EVEN MORE
#'the dude is homeless and unemployed basically. and has no phone'#'and he wouldnt even flirt he will pick up something you dropped and stare at you'#im already on my knees with a wedding ring in my hand#ken will you do the honor of being my malewife#my horsegirl boyfriend pathetic wet piece of paper of a malewife#i promise i'll make eye contact with you the entire time despite the obstacles my autistic ass trying to prevent me from doing so 😳#love notes#💕 I'll fight for you!! - ̗̀🐎🏖️✨ ̖́-#the fucking way ryan is like. tired. sipping coffee and his voice is husky#bc he JUST FUCKING WOKE UP#nd theyre asking him these questions and hes politely like... ken would not do these things#every time someone asks him abt ken he's politely saying. oh. youre wrong FJDHGFKD#hes like. ken is the most loyal devoted motherfucker and his entire life is dedicated to Barbie#someone's like hey what's ken's favorite food and ryan is like ANYTHING BARBIE LIKES#i love the running joke in all these interviews that kens just huddle on the beach#margot jokes that they literally just go completely inert#while the barbies get beauty sleep the kens just stare into space completely immobile#and then snap out of it when the sun rises#i think thats more merciful than literally sleeping on the plastic pink sand#god i love these interviews im having a field day#ALSO in the beginning of the interview#margot was like 'wait why would barbie need to be on a dating app?'#and ryan's like 'HM. YEAH. WHY.' side glacing at her LKFDJJLSDFKJ#and he said 'ken picks up your phone you dropped and sees YOU'RE ON DATING APPS'
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AFTERMARE WEEK: day 3- light and heavy
a wedding ring; usually made of gold, platinum, or silver. it's given by one partner to the other as a symbol of commitment
such a small and deceptively light object should not be very heavy, but that does not prevent it from holding the crushing weight it's promise implies.
aftermare week is hosted by @bluepallilworld
#illustration#my art#aftermare week#aftermare week 2023#utmv#geno sans#geno#fem!geno#aftermare#me: aren't the clothes too modern for the medieval times story you wanna go for-#also me: well all the clothes i tried on her looked off and i don't even KNOW the era they're in so figure that out later!!#hope that ring metaphor makes sense cause i sure as hell doubt my english was 100% correct hhhh xD#also i'm sorry but the more i think about this made up au of mine the more i wanna flesh it out and tell you guys about my headcanons cause#i imagined how they met; the dialogue- geno's illness- the angst and the fluff- and my two braincells are just fighting eachother hhh xD#half is like 'well write that story!!' and the other just whines 'nooo i don't have the storytelling skills for that' and i'm like!!!#i'll just do a compromise and draw the full designs first once i have the time >:)#no promises for the writing tho cause i know not many would like to read that and it's been a while since i touched notepad so yknow xD#anyways blue if you're reading this please take all the time you need before reblogging anything!!#i know your heart wouldn't be into it otherwise and i get that >:')c don't forget to look after yourself you precious bean<3333
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reminder to tag #ultrakill spoilers when you're posting about unreleased game content
#CURRENTLY THIS IS ANYTHING ABOUT THE VIOLENCE LAYER I'm not angry I promise all caps is just eyecatching#would also argue you should also tag spoilers for 6-2 + 4-4 + the P levels since not everyone is caught up with playing the game#but thats mostly optional. I'll make a post about that once the game is actually complete because more new players will be around then#mine#ULTRAKILL
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I'm not that involved with Hollow Knight, I mostly observe the fandom and obsess over the concepts, so I might not be that qualified, but I really want to make human versions of Ghost and THK because I think the raw horror of "no mind to think, no will to break, no voice to cry suffering" is a little obscured by them being bugs.
Yeah, we all know it was messed up, but nothing about their designs suggests "something deeply, very, horribly wrong happened to them."
Just think for a moment, what would it take to guarantee a human person would have no mind to think, no will to break, no voice to cry suffering, and also no gender?
At least 4 human rights violations, that's what.
#hollow knight#the hollow knight#ghost hollow knight#hollow knight ghost#if I ever post a THK design I promise you it will be the most MESSED UP guy#I could go into detail about all the medical issues these guys would have#but I don't think you want me to#but for example:#I spent soooo long researching how bugs make noise#only to find out (no surprise) they can only make noise by hitting and rubbing things#...which means HK characters probably talk the way humans do#so then I had to research how you would make a human mute#and uh#um well#it's BAD#and that's not even touching on how you'd take away a humans will and make them mindless and genderless#(I'll give you a hint. there have been atrocities committed specifically for that purpose)#it's... it's BAD guys#so horrible it's starting to become funny to me#PK is THE WORST DAD EVER#it would take a RIDICULOUS amount of mutilation and abuse to make a pure vessel
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Hello! You are the resident queen of Bo(Jan) so can I please request 22 for them ? :)
Oh god, idk if I deserve that title, but I 100% accept and appreciate it! 🥹 and ofc you can request that! I'm sorry it's taken me so long, tho. I promise I'm still writing the prompts, so everyone who sent me one will get it! And feel free to send me more!
Send me a ship and a number and I'll write you a kiss 🩷✨️
22. ... in a rush of adrenaline
Bojan always liked football.
He loved watching it, even played for a club as a child and was sad when he had to stop. Football made him feel excited. He could loose himself in a game, could feel like a little kid again as the players sprinted over the field, so close to scoring goals. It made him think about his own time playing. He was part of the little league, nothing exciting, just a bunch of under 12 year olds running after a ball, faceplanting the grass more often than they actually managed to kick or score a goal. But for him it had been everything.
The first time he really felt the rush of adrenaline was as he ran towards the goal, no one in his way. He had scored with ease, the goalkeeper not able to hold the ball, even if he hadn't been distracted by some relative calling for him. The cheering of not only his teammates but his parents, his father, made him feel so incredibly proud. The tingling feeling made his heart beat out of his chest, made him feel alive and his pulse was droning in his ears.
Over the years, the way how he got this feeling changed. During the winter of his thirteenth birthday he had taken up snowboarding, changing the kids ski for a snowboard, the rush he got from zooming down the mountain, his own capability the only thing preventing him from crashing was different to the feeling of playing football, but it was good. The following summer his parents had taken him and his sister to the sea and Bojan had finally gotten the chance to try surfing again, this time much more successful than the previous visits.
He had taken up more and more hobbies, his week stuffed with activities until a sudden timeshift in his Judo practice and him, Martin and Matic forming a band had put a stop to his little blooming soccer career. It was hard giving it up, but the thrill of being in stage, hearing the (albeit still rather small) crowd cheer, while he was singing his heart out and his friends were playing until their hands hurt, was the only thing better than chasing after a ball.
He had still sometimes played with his friends, kicking around a ball and when Bojan had randomly found a group of guys playing football on one of Nace's and his morning jogs through their little neighbourhood park in Highgate, he had been excited.
The guys had been quite accepting when he had approached them and it didn't take long for them to meet up semi regularly. Sometimes in the evening, other days just barely past noon. After the first few times, the others had joined in and soon the whole band had spent at least one day a week watching Bojan run after a ball to his hearts content. But not only that, sometimes his friends would join in as well, making him even more excited than just playing with a group of random strangers.
"Bojan!"
His head snapped into the direction of the voice calling his name. Jure was charging at him, followed closely by one of the guys playing on the different team, trying to take the ball away from the blond drummer without using an elbow or tripping him. The man, James, was persistent though, managing to take the ball and leaving Jure behind as he changed directions.
Bojan felt his pulse starting to pick up, blood rushing into his ear as he sprinted after James. It took a bit of work and about all of his skill to get the lead back, immediatelly turning in a sharp twist that almost made him loose his balance. Without hesitation, he made is way to the makeshift goal, dodging one of James's friends, Robert, who caught up with him unfairly easy, clearly having a very noticable height advantage, but Bojan kept the ball, firmly blocking every one of the tall man's attempts at getting it back.
A few more strides and Bojan would be close enough to take a shot, would be able to score and get the last point he and his band needed to win. Instead of a time limit, they had set a point goal, a much more achievable way of playing either multiple games in succession or have a longer, more drawn out match. That the team that lost the most games would be paying for the first few rounds at the pub they frequented after meeting at the park, was making things even more exciting.
Not that Bojan was really interested in that. The feeling alone made him giddy, the thrill of the game made his heart race in his chest in excitement and he could barely contain the sheer energy buzzing through him during.
Everything happened way too quick for Bojan to notice, his movements almost instinctive, muscle memory that he hadn't forgotten even if he hadn't been playing for a good while now.
He dodged another one of James's friends, a broad shouldered, tall man, ducking under the guy's arm to keep his momentum. And before anyone else could try to get in his way again, he took the shot, kicking the ball just right, the angle working perfectly.
Joy rushed through him as the goalkeeper couldn't catch, falling to the ground while the ball flew over him, untouched and unbothered in its path until it dropped to the ground and stopped moving.
Bojan let out a little happy scream, his eyes darting around the field and landing on Jan.
The dark haired guitarist was standing a few meters away, a big grin on his face and suddenly Bojan felt his heart speed up even more, could hear his blood rushing in his ear, his hands shaking. He was moving without realising it, running into Jan's direction.
Jan barely had enough time to react before Bojan jumped him, clinging to him as the shorter man wrapped his arms and legs around the slightly older like a vice. The speed with which Bojan had hit him almost made them topple over, would have made then fall to the ground, sprawled out on the slightly wet grass, but Jan managed to catch him, already prepared after having seen Bojan's excited face. Hands landed on the singer's ass to hold him up securely, even though Jan knew that the strong thighs wrapped around his waist were more than capable of holding him up on their own.
Bojan leaned forward, crashing their lips together in a heated kiss that the taller man very eagerly reciprocated. His lips parted as he felt Jan's tongue dart out, licking over his bottom lip and drawing a soft little moan out of Bojan. The sound got lost in the kiss and as he let a hand wander to Jan's hair, running his fingers through the soft, dark strands and messing up the little bun Jan had made earlier, the taller squeezed his butt.
"I scored", Bojan giggled as he pulled back a tiny bit, before he connected their lips again into another kiss, feeling Jan smile as well.
"You did, yes", Jan said softly, hoisting Bojan up a little more as he felt the smaller man slip a bit. Bojan gasped softly, his blood rushing through his body, heart skipping a beat, adrenaline still making him shake a bit. Even though Jan fondling his ass certainly added a lot. He tightened his legs around the guitarist's waist, pressing himself closer and was just about to deepen the kiss again, as someone called out to them.
"I wanna do another round, so stop eating face and let's play some more", James said, jogging over to get the ball and making his way with it over to then again, kicking the ball before him.
"You just don't want to admit defeat yet", Jure chirped as he snatched the ball from the British man, running away with it in the direction of the goal. James let out a surprised yelp, charging after Jure, who just quickly passed the ball to Nace.
"You better prepare to pay up later!", Kris, who had been lounging at the edge of the makeshift soccer pitch, said, then he got up and dusted off his pants, ready to join in this time.
Slowly, Jan let Bojan slide down, pressing a last little kiss to plush lips. The singer grinned at him, his body already buzzing with energy, ready to cjase after the ball again and Jan couldn't help but give him a little slap on the ass as the he turned to jog away.
Bojan laughed, his steps feeling lighter than before, and he was sure the next visit at the pub would be a rather cheap one.
#its a bit shorter this time#we all know Bojan loves football#did i make up ocs? yes i did#I hope you like it anon!#bo(jan)²#jan je bog#happy puppy#joker out fanfic#kiss prompts#send me a number and a ship and i'll answer!#I'm slow#im so sorry but i promise I'll write the prompts#life just sometimes has different plans#fuck it we put it in the main tags#bojan cvjetićanin#jan peteh#joker out
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i'm so sorry, y'all. part two of the nsfw meme is taking me 9ever bc istg i cannot tell if the dialogue is cringe or not, i'm crying lmaooo.
#nina speaks#is that the ooc tag?#anyways like i really cannot tell what sounds like the worst phone sex operator ass wattpad ass pwp ever#and what is good truly#like i am in pain#tfw u cant post things bc u think theyre cringe#but if you dont no one can tell u theyre not cringe#i actually have an entire personal ask abt how to be confident in yourself and ur uniqueness and not being afriad to be weird#and here i am...avoiding my cringe#rp i know i promised i'd post mine if u posted urs i'm a lying liar who lied i am embarassed lol like what if its giving riverdale i'll cry#like I think its good but i wrote the worst two chapters of peppermint in the world before they were wiped from the face of the earth#anyways...i'm sorry if they never see the light of day i am fkn embarassed to be alive#also how the fuck do u do descriptions that arent horrifying?#i cannot use the word ~Member~ i will end it all#anyways...screaming crying throwing up whats new#time to *stas vc* lie in the street#me: guys is this cringe#you guys: literally not allowed to tell me its cringe or i'll delete my tumblr blog and both my fanfictions#amazing#this all makes sm sense! *bashes my head in w my laptop*
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" again and again and again ... "
#i dunno what it is with me drawing Tony standing in the rain . especially because right now it's not raining where i am . but here we are#i suppose#initially wanted to make this an animation with the song as background noise but all my animation softwares don't support canvases this big#so i guess you guys are going to have to survive with this pretty bad piece XD#im super sorry that this isn't really up to my actual level of quality . especially since i haven't drawn as much in the last few weeks#cuz of school#but i promise i'll try to make something good again !!#i love you guys#!!#dhmis#dhmis au#high voltage au#dhmis tony#dhmis hv tony#flop era#pls ignore
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AND THATS A WRAP !
Hello, hello! It's me, the local dumbass that went "lol lets run this silly event" since January. I'd like to say thank you so much for participating!
I never thought that so many would look @ my blog event and go ":D lets go get matched w/ yans!" LIKE?? HELP WE GOT A LOT OF SUBMISSIONS SINCE DAY 1, IT MADE ME GO "oh shit" BAHAHAHAHA
But fr, I want to say thank you so much. To those who came in to join the matchup, to those who participated as anons to the story that was unfolding, and to those that were theorizing and even lurking:
Thank you so much for giving me a chance. You guys have no idea how much it means to me to celebrate this milestone with all of you.
I would love to mention everyone of y'all that joined to leave my special thanks, but this post will be lengthy if I did that and I... Am NOT about to make it too sappy LMAOOOO
Now! On the update + future plans:
The rest of the fics will be posted but slowly and will be saved as special dlc fics of One Last Call. This covers additional lore of the worldbuilding behind OLC, but there are some that won't be written (Freminet and Aether are unfortunately those I can't write as yanderes) to lessen the load. Also, some will be shorter/snippet wise, but we shall see.
I will be making a "story explained" post for OLC and the characters behind it. This goes into the possible "what ifs", the original draft of the story (storyboard lol), what each character would've been in my plans, and everything in between! (Also, there may or may not be drawn sketches for each of them. Maybe kek).
The next event will be happening on March. I won't elaborate what it'll be, but it will be indulgent and maybe a little funny (for me). It'll also last for a week at most so I don't end up burning myself out LMAOO
Finally, I will be hosting small event for Cupid, Eros, and Boss. They won't be big, but they will have their spots when I planned out what'll happen to them. (Hint: you guys are going to see them often on your feed if you know where to look ;>)
For now though, I will be finishing up the drabbles and pray I get them queued to finally archive this event. Also, I will be responding to asks + cleaning up my inbox again when I'm done :)
Once again, thank you everyone. I genuinely thought that running One Last Call will not work out back then (I told a few friends I was scared that it won't take off as it did), but I pushed through it anyway since I thought it'd be fun anyway. And to see everyone enjoy it is the best feeling I've had since opening this blog.
I hope all of you enjoy chilling as I try to write + post the drabbles for OLC before concluding its tale... And hopefully writer's block does not slam its gavel on my ass BAHAHAHAHAHA
#💌 ;; messenger writes#💌 ;; promising letter: one last call#💌 ;; to: my patrons#;; but fr im so happy everyone joined and#;; well#;; gave me a chance as a whole#;; i never thought olc would take off at ALL and it'd flop like the past events i ran on different blogs#;; and since ive hit 100 followers i wanted to make it special#;; so to see everyone enjoyed it even when... things happened#;; i am so. so happy.#;; genuinely overjoyed to see this work out the best it can.#;; y'all made me cry tears of joy ill be fr here BAHAHAHAHA SORRY IM SO SAPPY#;; BUT FR IM SO HAPPY#;; anyways ill shut up now#;; thank you. again. thank you so much for giving my silly event and me a chance to share my story.#;; im so happy you all enjoyed it to the point that y'all gave it support and the best ending i can offer.#;; and i hope that the next ones I'll be hosting will be fun for everyone to join in hehe
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Excuse me, I hope Im not bothering you, but I have a couple questions on some of the things you would prefer when it comes to the fandom.
When it comes to dark or twisted au's that other writers create, would you prefer something more just a real 'what if' like 'An Interesting Arrangement' from @ribbondee ? Or would you dig deeper into something that would show more of a dark side to the characters like the 'Amnesia' segment from @cartooncadet666 ?
And of course the only other question I have right now (hence why I said a couple questions) When it comes to the art style diversity, what kinds of art have you seen the fandom make and if you have any favorites, which ones do you love the most?
Not bothering at all 💙
Interesting questions. I have to start off with saying that, ultimately, what I "prefer and not prefer" about the fandom should not be an indication of whether someone's work is good or not, nor should it bar the fandom from creating whatever they want. I have my own tastes and preferences just as much as the next person, and naturally we're all drawn to work that mostly aligns with our tastes/preferences.
Your first question is whether or not I would be more drawn towards an au exploring a character's dark side, or towards one with a 'what-if' scenario. My answer to that is that it depends on the content.
I like both dark au's and what-if au's, it just depends on how well they are written, and sometimes it also depends on the characters. I know this is going to break a lot of hearts, but since Betrayus is not my favourite character, I'd feel less inclined to check out a work centred completely around him in favour of checking out a work that features my favourite characters. This is not the be-all-end-all though, sometimes a work can pleasantly surprise me even if it doesn't have my favourite characters. It really all comes down to writing.
And as for your second question, hmm. A tricky one. I'd say that most of the fandom's art styles are generally cartoonish/2D stylised, but there's a wide swath of diversity within that category. If you show me a list of artworks in the fandom then I can easily point them out and name the artists behind them (at least on Tumblr), which is great because it shows that each artist has a recognisable style. I really don't like choosing favourites though, so I'd rather show you a list of pmatga artists whose styles I really enjoy, if that's okay!
@anti-cosmofangirl
@inkteresting-art
@ninjastar107
@pacgacha
@breezoreceiver
@toad-in-a-trenchcoat
@xelys-xlys
@ghostbunnyarts
@famitendo
@polina-quail
@ask-nova-valentine
@slumbergoblin
There are others, but these are the ones I can name on top of my head and who are generally still active (or actively posting pmatga art). I'm sure there are also a bunch of hidden gems out there that I've yet to stumble upon!
#ask#pmatga#pacman and the ghostly adventures#I want to re-iterate that these are just one person's preferences/opinions!#Just because you didn't make it on the list doesn't mean your art is bad or anything!#It's just a list of people who show up on my dash frequently and so they happen to be the ones I'm thinking about first#There's lots of good artists in the fandom#and lots of good fic-writers too!#Tumblr is just really tedious when it comes to finding them all#And I've really not been active on Tumblr recently to see people's stuff so that's another factor#so heads up: I'm still going to be relatively unresponsive for a while#I'll get to everyone's asks eventually I promise#My art/fics/responses to asks are REALLY slow at this time because of urgent stuff thats keeping me busy irl right now#so apologies if I've missed anything!#I'm tired man ;n;
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okay i'll say it again. i'm personally not a very big fan of the theory that Alice Creel and Karen Wheeler are the same person from a personal perspective. However, looking at the show, i think at this point we should consider it as more of an option because aside from the multiple weird instances about it. i think the most notable is that it's one of the most solid explanations for what Nancy saw in her vision.
Vecna specifically threatening Karen, Holly, and Mike. leaving Ted out. is funny to us from an audience perspective because it allows for the assumption that Nancy just doesn't give enough of a shit about Ted for Vecna to use his death as something shocking.
but this makes very little sense in universe and with the way it was shot:
While Nancy is never shown to be close to Ted it's also clear she doesn't hate him. they're very ambivalent to each other, we rarely even see them in the same scenes. from a character perspective, jumping from this to Nancy not caring if something happened to him is very inconsistent character writing. most people would care if someone in their lives died even if they weren't personally very close. for Nancy to really not care if he died they would require a more negatively afflicted relationship. which they don't have.
the moment is also not played like a joke. the entirety of Nancy's vision serves as foreshadowing to the end of s4 and s5. it's all taken very seriously both by the characters and the audience. Nancy leaving Ted out of her vision is subtle and something we only talk about in hindsight because it's weird Vecna left only him out. causing jokes like "even Vecna says fuck Ted Wheeler" to spring up as an explanation. but the scene isn't shot like a joke and the exclusion of him falls flat. it was just subtle enough to be there and pass by ga's prime focus since no character drew attention to it, or asked afterwards "what about your dad?" "what about my dad?" which would have made it an actual joke and given pay off to this weird list. but none of this happens. Ted is just Missing from the vision and we're moving on. it's not played like something funny to notice, Nancy is crying and everyone is serious.
so. why IS Ted missing from the vision? summing up what we know:
it does not come across like a joke at all. without drawing attention to it the GA misses it, causing the joke to not work. and even more attentive audiences who pick up on it, recognize it's not really a funny haha joke. and while we can try and turn it into something jokey and say it's because Ted is stupid and nobody likes him, that explanation makes much less sense for the characters themselves. Nancy and Ted don't have a bad enough relationship as far as we're shown to justify Nancy suddenly not caring if he died. he's still a person she sees every day, even without a parental bond she would at least have an opinion on him dying.
so if this dialogue doesn't serve the purpose of character development/ exposition or comedy, why is it there?
well like the rest of the vision, it's part of the points that pretty straightforwardly tell us what will happen next season. s5 will have a creature with a gaping mouth, monsters all over Hawkins, and the Wheeler family minus Ted in danger.
Mike being in danger here makes sense since he's already hinted at being a central character in s5. both from a "return to s1" perspective, because of the "love triangle" plot and painting plot that include him, AND the fact that him and Will had a whole scene dedicated to planning Vecna's death as a conclusion to the season. Mike and his relationship with Will and the overall story are being highlighted so him subsequently being in danger because of that is a given. (there's also the whole argument to be made of Mike getting targeted Specifically because of Will as a bargaining tool) still, why Holly and Karen would have that same target on their back is a little bit more unclear as of now.
but the Real question is why Vecna doesn't include Ted when he already lists the whole Wheeler family by name. naming three people and then being too lazy for a fourth is... pointed. again i've made it clear i do believe Nancy would be sad if Ted died. there's also the opposite question to be raised: why does Vecna go to Nancy and show her Karen, Holly, and Mike specifically? there's other people Nancy is close to, arguably even closer with than with Mike for example since the two of them Also have a very minimal bond. Vecna showing her Jonathan dead, or any of the kids, Steve, even Robin by this point. it would hurt her just as bad. if not worse. because Nancy is Not a family oriented character. she doesn't value her family over her friends, the whole blood is thicker than water is bullshit to her and her characterization shows that, she's actively afraid of repeating the suburban nuclear family life her mother chose. Nancy is NOT more scared of her family dying than she is of her friends dying.
so this raises even More questions now as if the one we have isn't out there enough already. into the question pile it goes:
why does Vecna only show her her family and no one else when it would arguably be equally as shocking for her, if not more so in some cases? why is only Ted missing? and honestly why does Vecna even show Nancy the vision? (there were 7 people present so it was a 1/7 chance it would be her. why didn't he go for Steve standing right next to her? he had to pick one of them but given he had 7 options and seemingly no bias towards any of them we can question this choice.)
as of now we can't answer any of these questions, we'll need more insight from s5 to understand what Vecna is trying to get at here. however, this is where the theory comes back in because as of now it's one of the only things that actually Could explain it.
if Karen was actually Alice Creel and somehow survived that night. (there's a Lot to say about this but this i'll get into it on another post) it would mean Henry's attempt at familicide went even worse than originally thought. not only did his father survive but his sister would have lived as well and even gone on to have a family of her own after the fact. Victor tells us that he fears the "demon" will return, kill him for good, even Vecna himself tells Nancy he's interested in paying Victor a visit soon, so by that we can assume Henry is finishing his sloppy family murder that really only killed his mom next season. (and in all honesty, i don't see Victor surviving it, he's got death flags all over him)
but this presents a new possibility. Alice, now having children of her own, means that Henry's original family he wanted to kill is now extended by a nephew and two nieces he didn't have before. which raises the question: why wouldn't he want them dead too? Henry's murders were never about the people he Lived with, it was targeted at his family specifically - it was about the ideals he hated so much and what their superficially perfect happy nuclear family embodied despite being "bad people" on the inside, according to Henry's perception.
so when Henry finally goes back on what he announced to Nancy and kills his family for real next time, who would he classify as family? just Victor and Alice? or Alice's children who are his blood relatives as well?
because "Mom, and Holly... Mike" would be the exact list of Henry's living relatives according to this theory. minus of course Victor (locked in Pennhurst) and Nancy herself (the one receiving the threat).
and this would also finally give us an explanation of why Ted wasn't included in the vision. being a random well-earning man Karen married years ago he has no blood relation to the Creel family and therefore no significant role in a potential familicide. giving us the explanation that it's not Nancy who doesn't care about him dying but actually Vecna, since he would really just be a Random Guy to him.
this theory would all in all go to explain why:
the 1/7 chance of having the vision fell on Nancy.
Vecna then went out of his way to give her his whole tragic backstory in an immersive dia show instead of us seeing it through El's NINA memories
AND why Ted Wheeler is weirdly missing from the threats known family killer Henry Creel makes.
again, i'm personally not a die hard believer of this theory myself, but at this point there's a lot that would make infinitely more sense when placed with the backdrop of this theory. for this scene alone it's the only solid explanation as of now to really give us a reason as to what could be going on here. of course we're still missing the facts s5 will give us but with what we're working with right now? this theory is actually a lot less crack-y than i initially believed.
(ngl i was pretty anti this theory at first. again, not the biggest fan of the "and they're related" trope in general so it's not my full jam. but I have to consider it at this point because there's just so much in canon hinting at it. it'll either actually be what canon goes for or it's supposed to be a deliberate audience misguide and fakeout to leave people guessing for s5 because there's Too Much going on here. this scene is just the tip of the iceberg too, i'm genuinely amazed how much there actually is both in the show as well as narrative wise)
#i wanted to make a silly post on this theory a few days ago and now i kind of ended up in a full google doc i'm still writing#i didn't buy into it At All starting and now i'm looking at scenes like bro are you for real what is THIS???#it's not even just this scene#you can go at it from the angle of looking at the Wheeler family but you can also just look at the Creel massacre flashbacks#whatever the actual canon conclusion to this is. SOMETHING is going on with Alice's death#even if she doesn't end up being Karen Wheeler. there's more to her 100%#because looking at the show. even Henry's retelling of his family murder is off#not only is it shot oddly. it also presents us a completely impossible timeline that contradicts itself within seconds of the event#so even if Alice is just RandomGirlTM s4 wasn't the last we saw of her. Henry himself is Absolutely not a reliable narrator either#i'll make a post on that soon i promise i promise. the blatant timeline fuckery of that night genuinely baffles me tbh#no one has their story straight for that murder incident at this point not even you Henry sorry to tell you#stranger things#stranger things theory#st5 theory#st5#karen wheeler#nancy wheeler#mike wheeler#alice creel#henry creel#byler#(I've seen so many of us in the tag talk about this topic we're all insane)#creel/wheeler theory
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