#I like how I make these posts when barely anyone cares about my disorder LOL
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The being violent part isn't even a part of psychosis ur just mean to me. Like all I do is say falsehoods and you get sooooo scared. What about me. What about fucking me.
#jesse.txt#I like how I make these posts when barely anyone cares about my disorder LOL#Everyone just clams up or tries to check me but NEWSFLASH it doesn't work and also I didn't ask#You can't just tell me (paranoid) “nuh uh” when I'm scared ppl r against me#U just become someone I don't trust lol 😭😭😭#How does me thinking I'm a coming of Jesus affect you especially when I never even take Abt it#None of you are christian anyways!!!#It's all “god hates me cuz I'm gay 🧛” until a psychohead comes at u
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im not sure/can’t remember if I’ve ever seen anyone else share this opinion or make a meta similar to this, so I might be coming out with an absolutely steaming, boiling, straight out the oven, call the fire department hot take, which has the potential to ratio me to the sun, but here it goes. (Before proceeding, TW for some discussion of eating disorder like themes and topics, ie vampires restricting how much they drink blood for complex Catholic guilt reasons that may be reminiscent of how eating disorders present + how ppl with eating disorders may think about eating, themselves, etc. Also additional, vaguer cw warning for Catholic guilt and depression + self neglect. Take care of yourselves loves.)
I don’t think book!Louis actually values humanity, or is overly sensitive/empathetic in the way he’s claimed to be/sometimes portrayed. This differs in the show btw. Show Louis I think is very much sensitive and appreciative of humanity and life in a way the other vampires aren’t. But I don’t think book Louis feels guilt for taking life because it weighs on his conscience to do that to another person. I think that’s a very small part of his aversion. Louis doesn’t actually care about being a morally good person, or avoiding harming others, what he actually cares about is being a “pure” person. His morale strivings rely heavily on his capabilities in comparison to other vampires of abstaining from fleshly pleasures and “sin”. It’s very much a Catholic guilt thing. Being a “good” person has nothing to do with it. It’s all about being “pure” and godly. Louis doesn’t feel bad for killing because killing is a terrible thing to do, he feels bad for killing because he enjoys it. His moral compass isn’t about empathy, or feeling for others in a way the other evil vampires aren’t capable of, it’s about him, and how he feels. It’s why in the post iwtv VC, particularly totbt, he does kill people, but he only does sometimes, and he makes sure that everyone knows how much it tortures him. His “morality” and “humanity” is about feeling a grim satisfaction as the other vamps rave about how weak and human-like he is and go on about “When was the last time you fed Louis?” “Why do you live like this Louis?? “You’re so dusty and you dress like shit Louis!” Because he knows he’s succeeding, he knows the other vamps can’t bare to see the way he suffers because they’re just so indulgent and gluttonous in comparison to him. Something something that thing Akasha said in qotd about Louis being the most predatory of them all etc. And the hottest take of them all is that I actually prefer Louis that way. He’s objectively a worser person then show Louis, for many reasons obviously, but the way he justifies himself and thinks about his actions is just so much more interesting to me tbh. Not that I don’t love show Louis, but he doesn’t get my gears grinding and my cogs turning the same way complicated and terrible book Louis does. If a character doesn’t make me at least a little angry because they’re so unwell and so evil then they’re not for me lol.
#the vampire chronicles#vampire chronicles#tvc#interview with the vampire#iwtv#louis de pointe du lac#vc#ldpdl#vc meta#Btw I started reading Merrick recently#Just for context of where I am in the series#So this might not apply to how Louis’s brain works later in the series#Louis#as is the nature of all Anne rice characters#is inconsistent#tale of the body thief#queen of the damned
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A problem with the Tales Of Arcadia community
First and foremost, I’d like to ask anyone taking the time to read this to please read the post all the way through before commenting on the matter. There is a lot of dirty laundry to unpack here, and some points will be building off previous ones.
I’ll get right to the point. Most everybody in the Tales of Arcadia fandom will have heard of the blog imthegingerninja / ginger-le-gay. She is one of the most well-known ToA-centric blogs, after all. (If you’re wanting to avoid her on Twitter as well, her account is Margaret Bell, or @The_Book_Bell.)
This is your PSA, TOA fandom: Ginger is a toxic, manipulative person.
This is not a claim I like to make lightly, but it’s long overdue that this issue is properly brought up within the fandom.
I’ve seen so many people wonder why the Tales of Arcadia fandom is so small. Well, I and many others very strongly believe that Ginger is one of the main reasons for that, if not the main one. To make matters easier, I’ve tried to break this down into some main points. So let’s take a look at how Ginger falls under this category.
Disclaimer: Please DO NOT look at this post as an excuse to harass Ginger or any other blog mentioned here. This sort of behavior is NOT acceptable. The point of this post is to educate those who may not know the extent of her harrowing behavior, nothing more.
1. Dishonesty and Death Threats
[EDIT: Shortly after this post went up, she started blatantly lying about me to try to cover for herself. You can see those lies being easily disproven here]
Ginger has been kicked from at least three Tales of Arcadia servers, all for similar reasons of violence. While I cannot provide screenshots as I am no longer part of the servers they were in, there are multiple witnesses that can verify the disgusting behavior she engaged in. The one I saw specifically was her saying that certain members of the fandom should be gathered up and hunted for sport, among other gross things. (Elaboration of why can be found in point 3, though it still doesn’t excuse this kind of talk)
Here is some points made by another blog that also sums up similar issues with Ginger, though:
While there were multiple instances of her inciting violence towards others, this is unfortunately one topic I cannot provide specific screenshots for at this time. But I will add them in as I can find them. That being said, I want to move to the dishonesty, something I do have a screenshot for.
While you could argue that people sometimes notice the similar things, this is far too close together to be considered an “original find”. The reblog button is there for a reason, but she instead decides to steal the OP’s premise and present it as her own original thought.
There have been a couple other blogs that have confirmed that their theories and analysis posts were often stolen and presented as Ginger’s own as well, to the point where they stopped bothering even making such posts, as the above blog points out. (Out of respect for their privacy, I will not be naming these blogs. Say what you will about that possibly weakening my point, but if she’s willing to so blatantly steal from that person shown above, it shouldn’t surprise you that she’s so willing to do it to others.)
Theory-making and analysis posts aren’t as solidly “original content” as a piece of art or fanfiction, sure, but it’s still common fandom courtesy to give credit where it’s due. Ginger has intentionally avoided extending that courtesy far too many times.
2. Hypocrisy
Most of this is going to be about past Merlin vs. Morgana drama, though there are also words to be said for the incredibly shaky relationships she forms with “friends”.
But first let’s talk about those wizards.
This is a topic I’ve tried to approach with Ginger before, but she borderline refused to acknowledge any of the points I was trying to make, and when she did, I don’t know if I just wasn’t being clear or what, but it honestly looked as though she was purposefully trying to misunderstand what I was saying in her bizarre responses. (To be fair, I was sending messages out of anger because she vagueposted about a blog I admired, calling them a “disgusting creep” because of them simply saying they’d hoped Jim and Merlin would be able to actually bond at some point... Not really a justifiable reaction to such a harmless thought, in my opinion. But my point is, I recognize that the circumstances may have clouded my ability to vocalize my thoughts clearly.)
That aside, we should first acknowledge this post Ginger made to save face after having gotten some backlash about hate-train related things (Side note: I couldn’t find the original post, so this is a screenshot I got from someone else. I did not add the writing. The text underneath it should still be slightly readable, I hope.):
Taken at face value, this is a very reasonable post. I think everybody would and should be able to agree on it. Hate-meme him for fun, sure, but don’t actually harass or insult others over a fictional character. Simple, right?
Apparently not, because Ginger’s done loads of that to others. Probably why the “LOL” was added in, I bet.
This post confused me. First of all, exploring dark topics (”angst”, as you put it) has never been a rare occurrence, every fandom has that content, most in heavy abundance. I’ve noticed no staggering difference in volume of this fandom compared to others I’ve been in. People enjoy angst not because they think the character “deserves to be in pain”, they enjoy a fictional blow to their own emotions. There’s lots of different reasons people like angst, but it’s barely ever been out of a genuine hate for whatever character’s the focus, from all the things I’ve seen. Your own friends have indulged in Jim angst and body horror posts before, does that mean you think they’re awful people? I feel like I shouldn’t have to explain something like this.
Also, way to basically admit you think all Merlin stans get off on child torture. So much for “If you like Merlin as a character, you’re valid”, am I right? God, what a mess of a post. (It’s been very recently deleted, which makes me wonder if she got more backlash on it, but just... wow.)
Let’s look at another one.
Again. Vagueposting about someone specific, I’d wager, since most of the people I’ve seen comment on this topic either think both characters are morally gray, or hate both.
But of course, when it comes to Morgana, suddenly excusing bad behavior can be justified. Ginger can call someone a disgusting creep because they want a familial bond between Jim and Merlin, that’s just wrong, but pushing the Mom-gana narrative with the genocidal abuser and Toby is completely fine, folks.
(Note: I would like to point out that I really don’t care about what theories and hopes people have for Morgana. You should be allowed to love that character in any way you want, same as I would say for Merlin. My issue with these examples is the completely brazen hypocrisy in which these two characters are treated. You’re obviously allowed to love Morgana without consequence, but the same should be said for any character of the show, and yet it’s not.)
The most obvious instance of this double-standard is well observable here, I believe:
... I think this mostly speaks for itself. Sorry, but this is very blatantly trying to excuse Morgana’s actions, here.
Oh hey, remember that post about Ginger saying that liking Merlin must mean you want to see Jim in horrible pain?
Say anything similar about her with Morgana, and suddenly she takes issue with this line of reasoning!
I’m sorry, but if you can’t take this sort of thing, then you shouldn’t be dishing it out. One of your own friends is still getting hate over the simple fact of liking Merlin, and all this mentality is exactly why.
Let’s look at one more.
Fun fact! Morgana horrifically abused somebody for centuries, tried to kill multiple kids, took horrible advantage of Claire (probably traumatized her), and canonically wanted to genocide humanity, not to mention all the OTHER murders she's committed, both directly and indirectly.
But somehow pointing any of this out “doesn’t count”. This is why the fandom keeps saying more and more things like this:
And this:
I could be going through her constant hating on Merlin and people who like Merlin for days straight, but I hope you all get the idea by now.
Again, I would like to just reiterate: You can like whatever character you want for whatever reason you want. The problem with this case is the hypocrisy and mistreatment of others, not your taste in characters.
Now interestingly enough, she’s lately been singing a different tune about the guy, switching from the “I hate Merlin I hope he dies!!!” mentality to “Oh he should get a redemption arc too :)” sort of thing.
I’m highly convinced that the only reasons for this “change of heart” is because of the constant backlash she was getting for the obnoxious amount of hate posts being thrown around all the time, but also because Aaron Waltke keeps tabs on the fandom more lately, and has spoken himself about Merlin not being a villain.
I could go on about this point forever, but I think I’ll just leave the Merlin topic with this post going through the hypocrisy of the Merlin Hate Train. In fact, here’s two just for fun.
Now onto more real-world focused areas of hypocrisy. One such instance can be found in Ginger’s Janus Disorder server.
Just take a look at this post.
While the offender in this case isn’t Ginger specifically, it still takes place in her server, and she made no moves to enforce her “No discourse” rule. All over... what? A random kudos on a fanfiction that’s not even about anything controversial since all characters involved are adults? I immensely don’t understand the point of why this ever had to be an issue, or why nobody spoke up about how ridiculous this is.
I’d also like to point out a certain user called firecat17. For some quick context, waaay back in the Kung Fu Panda fandom (around 2018), this user had been harassing people and saying incredibly vile things, a person of which Ginger had a bit of a feud, but firecat’s anon threats had gotten to the point where Ginger ended up having to block their IP.
Obviously, the user firecat was the one in the wrong, here. (Also, the irony in this comment is through the roof...)
Interesting point there, Ginger. Sure would be nice if you practiced what you preached.
Why am I bringing this random old drama up, you may ask? Well, it just strikes me as strange that someone who was so vile to Ginger is suddenly on her okay-list again, sending her asks and getting casual responses as if nothing ever happened.
To be fair, there is the possibility that they worked out their differences in private. But given the severity of the kinds of words being exchanged, I would still find that rather suspicious.
When someone who’s said things so vile can be so easily forgiven, yet something as harmless as leaving a kudos on some random fanfiction is considered grounds for harassment, it’s obvious there’s no stability or room for trust among this group of people. Unsurprising when there’s been several instances of this “friend group” turning on each other.
If you think you’re somehow different, that your “friendship” with Ginger or the others is more valued than that, then I’m sorry to burst your bubble but it’s likely not true. She’d throw you under the bus at the hint of you doing something she deems problematic, as it’s happened to multiple blogs before you.
3. Demonization of and insensitivity towards s*xual abuse victims
(This topic is one that’s hard for me to talk about, being a victim of CSA myself, so I’ve gathered some different sources to do most of the main talking for me. I tried to form more commentary on this myself, but I get too emotionally charged in my responses, and I don’t want that to cloud any reader’s perception of what I’m trying to communicate here, so I’ll try to keep most of my comments brief on this one.)
One thing recently brought to my attention about Ginger and her squad that especially bothers me is their rashness in labeling people p*dophiles and p*do apologists. If these claims were true, then I wouldn’t have a problem with it.
But these people are accusing others of these horrible things and threatening them on the sole basis of fictional content.
Now before you fly off the handle at me, let me be very clear: I absolutely understand that there are gross people out there who use the “It’s all just fiction” argument to hide their actual, pr*datory behaviors. (We’ve all probably seen at least one or two neckbeard memes of that caliber)
But like it or not, exploring traumatic themes through a fictional lens is something that has been studied and proven to be a genuine coping mechanism for some. It’s not something that works for me, but I knew a few people from past therapy groups that it worked surprisingly well for. Bringing a trauma into a controlled environment and processing it through fictional means can and does help some victims deal with what they went through.
It’s important to understand that not everyone processes their experience in the same neat, little boxes you have laid out as the only “acceptable” ways of coping. Trauma fiction and expressive arts therapy are commonly used by victims, and it does help some people, whether you like it or not.
I’m already dragging this on too much, so here are some sources for better-worded information on the topic (Warning: Most of these deal with highly sensitive themes such as gun violence and s*xual abuse.)
Source 1 - Source 2 - Source 3 - Source 4 - Source 5 (pages 61 onward, specifically) - Source 6 - Source 7 - Source 8 - Source 9 - Source 10 (and believe me, if those all don’t satisfy you, I can easily supply more.)
And this quote from source 9 I think sums it up best:
“Fiction works differently. My imagination gives me a framework to process the grief and terror and the consequences, even when I myself have not found any resolution. It allows me to enter my own traumatic experiences sideways and linger inside them, if I know I can give them to characters who might be lucky enough to find the antidote: love, connection, community, family. In other words, I can enter — and exit — the trauma loop through stories that are not exactly the same as mine.
This goes for the reader also. Recent studies periodically assure us that stories — literary fiction, hardcover books, even the simple act of reading — promote empathy. We rarely have identical experiences, so fiction is how we practice linking our similar or parallel realities so we can feel them. This seems particularly useful in our current society, where we are all so separated, and are working so hard to block the violence that keeps happening to us from our minds.
Fiction connects us, and it can also contribute to our healing. When we see ourselves in worlds we don’t live in, like The Handmaid’s Tale or The Color Purple, sometimes, that very different violence helps us finally process our own. Because as much as our memoirs and testimonies are brave and validating, fiction does not just mirror our truths so they are safe to experience; it also helps us endure the aftermath. Because long after the immediate experience is over, survival struggles onward, in every moment of our daily lives.”
While most professionals have in the past advised that victims keep their trauma-related works more private, to only show it to your trusted friends or family, the fast-growing use of the internet has led more people to sharing it in an online platform, which is not unexpected behavior.
I unfortunately don’t have the screenshot of the original post, but there was a post made some time back literally telling a fandom member to go and hang themselves over this garbage. A survivor of s*xual abuse, no less. And to top that off, one of Ginger’s squad @emmy-puff commented in support of that violent post, as well as blatantly misgendering the target of it. While, again, I was unable to get screenshots, there are multiple witnesses to this instance, one Anonymous even having called them out on it back when it happened. (I suspect that Emmy deleted that answer due to how bad it made them look.) If anybody reading this has screenshots of the initial post or the ask that came of it, please feel free to share.
I don’t care who you are or who you’re talking about, if you use misgendering someone as a way to hurt them, then you are an insult to the trans community. That is an awful thing to do, and you lose so much credibility if that’s the only thing you can fall back on when getting in a fight with someone. While this post isn’t about Emmy specifically, this is exactly the kind of hateful rhetoric that’s being encouraged in the environment Ginger’s made.
Another thing I would like to point out on this matter is an instance that happened in the ToA fandom a couple years back. I, again, don’t have screenshots available (I believe the original post ended up deleted) but the post in question caused enough of a fuss that I’m sure a few people must remember it...
A while back, there was an artist that posted uncensored, untagged r*pe art of Aaarrrgghh, Gunmar, and Jim in the main Trollhunters tag. As you can imagine, this infuriated many people. Many of which are among the list of those who’ve been labeled “p*do apologists”. Almost the very minute that post showed up in the tag with no trigger warnings of any kind, the fandom immediately got on OP’s tail about it, because they all shared that basic understanding of “This is a traumatizing subject for many people and they should have the ability to avoid it”. If the people you’ve labelled as pr*dator supporters were really as awful as you say they are, they would’ve jumped to that person’s defense, too. But they were completely against OP’s horrible lack of consideration of survivors, right alongside the rest of the fandom.
Am I saying you have to like trauma fiction? Absolutely not. Are there people that make trauma fiction that are actual pr*dators? I’m sure there are. But those people would be that way whether trauma fiction was out there or not. Gross people have existed and will always exist regardless of what media is out there.
I deeply understand the controversy, uncertainty, and stress that surrounds this topic, I promise you, I do. But the fact of the matter is, some people actually do use trauma fiction and expressive arts therapy as a way of coping, as has been observed in people even from ages as young as 5. To say otherwise is blatantly untrue. This isn’t a matter of opinion or morals, this is plain, studied facts that you cannot change about human psychology.
Nobody should ever have to go through something as horrible as s*xual abuse of any kind, and I know how deeply upsetting it can be to see certain images or stories with those themes in play. Those users with a sense of decency and understanding for fellow victims will tag their posts with the appropriate warnings. After that, it’s up to you to filter out what you don’t want to see. You curate your own internet experience, and it’s just plain irrational to try and harass everyone into conforming to your rules. While it’s an 18+ blog’s job to make sure to tag and label their content appropriately, it is your job to block the things you don’t want to see, whether you’re an adult or a minor. It is YOUR job to blacklist content that you know will upset you, because it is always going to exist on the internet, and any internet user needs to know and understand that. Multiple times I’d seen people going off about posts that were already appropriately trigger-tagged. If you don’t have those upsetting tags blacklisted by now, then the fault is mostly on you in that kind of case, not the OP.
Before I end this topic off, just one more example of blatant disrespect towards victims:
I’m sorry, but the absolute nerve of comparing some random fictional character you’re petty over to an actual pr*dator who’s terribly hurt real children is just awful. Imagine how insulted one of Onion’s victims would be if they saw that. Lord.
Ginger claims to care about victims, but she’s made it abundantly clear that she only cares about those that behave the way she think a victim should.
4. Ableism
I’m going to just show a couple posts here and let them mostly speak for themselves.
Just... my God. You looked at the definition of psychopath and decided that was enough to give you qualification to speak like this about it? Do you realize the extensive work and study of human psychology goes into the diagnosis and understandings of psychopathy? Not to mention, you just admit to thinking people deserve hate because of a mental disorder they legitimately have no control over? I’m sorry, but that is just cruel. Demonization of the mentally ill is not cute or funny. Next.
While I’m still annoyed with Emmy’s transphobic treatment of another user mentioned earlier, they make a very solid point in this instance. (The first post they referenced has since been deleted, but here’s the second one speaking out against the ableism.) I feel I don’t need to add much to this, as these points have already been argued very well by users better qualified to speak on the subject than I.
5. Manipulation tactics
This part is more observations of two kinds of abuse tactics Ginger appears to demonstrate, using the above as points of reference.
First, there’s DARVO.
Then, less formally, there’s this good point about online cult mentality.
Before you say anything, obviously I don’t think Ginger thinks of herself as some sort of deity. While it could be argued that she considers herself a point of authority within the TOA fandom maybe, I haven’t seen enough of this to say for sure how far that goes. So that point can be ignored, because it mostly doesn’t apply in this case. (The “Dictating parts of your online life” might also not apply, but I can’t say for sure as I haven’t gotten any confirmation of that sort of thing in Ginger’s group.)
But there are grains of truth in the other four points, especially that last one. Plain and simple, she’s made people afraid to speak their minds about even harmless things such as character analysis.
Ginger is someone who can’t seem to comprehend different viewpoints and life experiences. She’s extremely unsympathetic towards people she doesn’t understand, as can be observed in above examples. Assuming malicious intent from everybody you can’t understand is a dangerous and hurtful mindset to have, for both you and those who you unnecessarily scorn.
There are a few outcomes I’ve speculated should she ever come to see this post.
1. She will ignore this post completely, pretending as if it doesn’t exist
2. She will dismiss me as being some sort of horrible person, a p*do apologist or something of the sort (despite being a victim of that myself, clearly she doesn’t care about who’s actually been hurt by real p*dos or not if they don’t conform to her narrow worldview), and claim nothing I’ve said bears any meaning, despite the extensive evidence I’ve provided.
3. She will get people to try and attack me.
4. She will actually address these points in a tactful, mature, and serious manner instead of her usual act of trying to dismiss everything at the slightest hint of non-conformity. (The least likely outcome, but one can dream.)
I could add to this post all day, but it’s long enough as it is and my focus was on getting the main points out of the way. I understand that I lack some of the receipts necessary to back myself up in a few parts, but I know that many other fans have bared witness to those things, so I know there will be at least some people who’ll know what I speak of is true, and that’s good enough for me.
That being said, if anybody has screenshots of the instances I wasn’t able to provide for, it would be greatly appreciated if you could add them into the conversation.
!!!-If you have screenshots, but are too uncomfortable to get involved in this, then you can private-message them to me and I would be grateful and more than happy to add them in while keeping you completely anonymous.-!!!
(I've removed the section with all the tags, as I recognize it was probably going overboard. My goal was just to spread information, not to try and involve those tagged, but I understand how that may have gotten lost in translation and made people uncomfortable. Also, it apparently was showing up multiple times in people’s notifications when I only tagged people twice, so I’m not sure why that glitch happened, but I apologize for that annoyance as well.)
Now, to end us off, my responses to questions or angry comments I’m probably going to get:
You don’t even have all the evidence! How are we to know you’re not just lying about some of this?
Admittedly, I don’t have as much screenshot proof as I would like, that’s true. But for most of the instances I couldn’t provide for, there were other witnesses to her bad behavior. I don’t really have the need to lie when there’s already a lot of knowledge out there of the bad stuff she has done. Nor do I really have the emotional investment in this fandom anymore to lie for the pointless reason of causing drama.
Why post this on a throwaway account if you think people are on your side?
I just don’t really want my main blog associated with TOA anymore, to be frank.
You tagged a bunch of people, so you must be trying to get them to attack Ginger!
No. I tagged a bunch of people because I think this information should be heard on a wider scale, considering the position Ginger has in the fandom. I don’t want her or anybody else to be attacked, but her negative impact on this fandom deserves to be acknowledged.
Again, I don’t think Ginger or any of the others deserve harassment or cyberbullying or anything of that manner, that’s kind of what this whole post is against. And it just hurts the situation more than it helps it. What bothers me is how she’s never apologized for or even once acknowledged the gross way she’s treated people. While she might be more low-key about it now, she still treats people who don’t deserve it like garbage. There are still several people upset about the damage she’s caused to this fandom, rightfully so. I wouldn’t be so loud about making this post if I didn’t think it was something worth drawing attention to.
Thank you for reading.
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VK Character Analysis: Shizuka Hiou
Once in high school, an old friend who also read VK asked me who my favorite character was, and when I said Shizuka, she was shocked. Now her favorite was Zero, and she thought I hated Zero since I liked Shizuka, his enemy.
That is not true, I don’t hate Zero. For some reason, some Zero fans seem to think anyone that likes Shizuka hates Zero. There is NO correlation between liking Shizuka and hating Zero. Some people love them both, while some people hate them both.
Anyway, my friend seemed appalled when I told her my fav character and she asked me why. At that age I wasn’t the most articulate or the most patient, so I simply told her, “just because.” So, now that I have free time and because her question had bothered me for a while, I decided I should write down my thoughts on why I love Shizuka.
XXX
First of all, Shizuka was NOT actually insane.
Medically speaking, “insanity” is associated with conditions like bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. There is no indication in the manga or anime that she exhibited any signs or symptoms of those diseases, such as hallucinations or delusions.
The regular definition of insane is to exhibit a severely disordered state of mind or to be affected with mental illness. Even by this definition, Shizuka was not insane.
She was aware of her actions and of what is right and what is wrong. The only time she can be considered “insane” is right after her lover was killed, when she was so overcome by grief and anger she could not think straight and focused on revenge without stopping to think who the real enemy was (cough, Rido). And in that state of severe emotional turmoil she went after the Kiryuus. But I do not think that can be considered true insanity, because it was a onetime occurrence.
Shizuka knows that she was wrong to kill the Kiryuus, because they were simply following orders and doing their job, and also because the real mastermind behind her lover’s death was Rido. She even acknowledges that her actions in regard to the Kiryuu parents and Zero were “sinful”, whereas a truly crazy person probably is unable or unwilling to admit that. If anyone were actually insane in VK, it would probably be Rido.
XXX
Secondly, she did NOT attack the Kiryuus out of a random whim or desire to do evil things.
All readers should already know this, since Hino explicitly states that Shizuka was motivated by revenge. Shizuka ONLY went after the Kiryuus because they wronged her first.
They killed her ex-human, the only person she ever loved. Hunters are only supposed to kill crazed level E’s and vampires that have harmed humans, but her lover was none of that. He should not have been killed by those standards.
But the Kiryuus were simply following orders without question, and killed someone they shouldn’t have, and thus they were killed in return.
For hunters, being killed by vampires seeking revenge is not a shocking end. Even Zero’s mom mentioned that, when they were packing, saying they should move soon so vampires do not find out where they lived. People who kill tend to get killed too, that’s just the reality of that sort of life. Zero’s parents were not normal, innocent civilians, they were people that killed vampires for a living. Thus, I don’t think Shizuka killing them is so shocking and unforgivable. I can understand why she attacked the Kiryuus, although it is still wrong (because hate breeds more hate, and the idea of an eye for an eye is not good).
What was truly unforgivable was that Shizuka turned Zero into a vampire, to hurt his parents as much as she can. This is where she went too far in her vengeance because children are innocent, it was only the parents that should be punished. And yes, I acknowledge that these actions are bad, even if I am her fan, I am not blind to her flaws.
Anyway, Shizuka would never have bothered crossing paths with the Kiryuus if they had never killed her lover.
XXX
Thirdly, although she was an antagonist in the story, she had her own moral code. She was not evil, and rather more of a neutral grey, and I appreciate characters like that.
She wasn’t like Rido, who used even his own son as a tool, and who did not care for anyone. Shizuka cared for Ichiru, despite the fact that he was her enemy’s son. She felt a sort of kinship with him because they were both alone and had nowhere to go. She gave him her own blood and flesh and refused to turn him the whole time they were together, even when she was dying, because she knew he would have been in more danger if he was a vampire instead.
Ichiru understood that she genuinely cared for him, because even when he was dying, he asked Zero to not hate her, even if Zero can’t forgive her.
Shizuka also kept her promise to Maria and gave the sickly girl her blood to make her better (in comparison, Rido just took over Senri’s body without asking for permission or giving him anything in return).
And thus Shizuka is a sympathetic villain, and Hino points that out in the interlude chapter where Ichiru comments how Shizuka was “beautiful even as she was dying”, in contrast to Rido, who Kaname once referred to as “the dregs of an ugly obsession.”
Even Kaname felt sympathy for her, because when he killed her, he didn’t just let her drop to the floor but caught her and laid her down carefully on the floor. He also assured her that he would not let her life be wasted, and that he would definitely end Rido.
XXX
And finally, she was a very tragic character, a victim of circumstances herself.
(This is her history, taken straight from her character profile in the official fan guide)
Shizuka was locked up in a cage as soon as she was born, because apparently some members of the Hio clan had also gone berserk before.
(On a side note, I doubt the Hious had a genetic defect leading to mental illness, it was probably a circumstantial thing, like how Rido most likely started off sane but life took directions that pushed him off the edge towards the end. After all, they are purebloods and their genes are supposed to be flawless. And Rido…I have so many thoughts about that dude, but I will save them for another post.)
Hino never stated how old Shizuka was, but since we know that Rido, Haruka, and Juri are “over 3000” according to the guidebook, she is probably around that age. If we treat the Fleeting Dreams novel as canon, then Shizuka is probably even younger than Juri, because Rido mentions that Shizuka was still “a tiny child” when his parents kept Juri away from him and engaged him to Shizuka instead. So, I assume that Shizuka spent almost 3000 years, her whole life, locked up in a cage with barely any company, except maybe the occasional visitor (like how child Kaname visited her once).
3000 years is a long, long time. To put it into perspective, the USA as a country is roughly 250 years old. So she was locked in a cage, all by herself for the timespan it would take 12 USAs to rise and fall. It is really a wonder how she did not actually go crazy and end up more damaged than she was!
Besides the tragedy of having her freedom taken away, no one loved or cared about her, something mentioned by both Maria and the guidebook. Shizuka herself commented that she was envious of Yuki, who had been cherished, unlike her.
(A bit of a tangent, but I am quite curious what happened to Shizuka’s parents. Why did they just let her be locked up? It is very irresponsible to bring a child into the world if you aren’t going to bother taking care of it. And it seemed she had family members because Kaname later on killed the head of the Hio clan. IDK what her familial relationship with that particular Hio man was, but she seemed to have been neglected by her own clan.)
Anyway, everyone probably treated her warily, like a bomb that might explode at any time. She was basically an outcast. Take for example how Aidou says it is unlucky to even mention her.
If there was someone besides her dead lover, Ichiru, and Maria, who did not treat her with suspicion or fear, it was probably Rido, and he certainly did not treat her well either. Ichiru mentions that Rido was the one who imprisoned her and changed the hunter list. Based on that, I assume Rido directly ordered her locked up, or used his influence with the Senate to have them lock her up. Either way, the dude had something to do with it.
Besides locking her up, Rido most likely treated her poorly, him being the way he is. His main issue with her is that she refused to become obedient like Senri’s mom. And IDK about the rest of you, but whenever a man says he wants to make a woman “obedient”, I get bad vibes. He probably did some shady and questionable things in his attempts to make her docile.
If Shizuka had been engaged to someone else other than Rido, someone more normal, like Isaya, her life would probably have been more bearable. Although Rido did not want her because he was unhealthily obsessed with Juri, he had to ruin Shizuka’s life and happiness instead of just letting her be. He did that out of some petty reasoning, basically “If I can’t be happy, you can’t be happy either”. His decision to put her lover on the execution list led to many tragedies.
This man is really the root of all evil in VK, LOL.
XXX
Finally, after all those centuries of loneliness, Shizuka met someone who treated her well, for the first time. Thus, her attachment to her ex-human lover was extremely strong, and it made sense why she could not move on, why she was so consumed by revenge. Unlike normal people who can find solace being comforted by friends and family, she doesn’t have that kind of support. And furthermore, she is a pureblood, all of whom have been shown to form extremely strong attachments to the ones they love, and have trouble moving on.
And regarding her lover, we can’t even be sure if he loved her back. Shizuka said that he most likely never forgave her until the end for turning him, and that he never yielded to her, but went with her when she proposed running away together because remaining with her was his only option. Honestly, her lover didn’t seem too happy being with her, or if he did care for her, their relationship was still strained and angsty, not the simple, lovey-dovey relationship Haruka and Juri had.
Overall, her romance was ill-fated, they simply would have never worked out because they were supposed to be predator and prey. I have a feeling that even if the Kiryuus hadn’t been assigned to kill him, she and her ex-human would not have had a happy ending regardless.
Anyway, after Shizuka lost him, she also lost her will to live. She only hung on to life out of the desire to kill Rido, but she wasn’t even seriously trying. Her biggest desire was to die, and we can see that in how she didn’t bother resisting when Kaname killed her. When she laid on the floor dying, she looked the most peaceful she had ever been. Later on, Maria (mistakenly thinking it was Zero who killed her) also commented that Shizuka probably wanted Zero to kill her. Sara also said Shizuka lost her will to live and mentioned how she doesn’t want to become like her.
Finally, Shizuka was definitely tragic, because even Kaname who killed her pitied her, commenting: “It’s sad isn’t it? I wonder if anyone truly understood her.”
I love this character partly because I feel so bad for her. While Zero suffered early on, he eventually got to marry the girl he loved and had a daughter with her. Kaname also got to be with Yuki, had a daughter with her and got to meet both daughters and experience being with family when he was revived. But Shizuka…her whole life was a tragedy, and the only time she was happy was that brief period when she was with her lover. However, the time she spend with him was a tiny drop, almost nothing compared to how long her life was overall.
A lot of characters in VK had sadness in their lives, but her life struck me as the worst. If I had to pick someone to be in VK, it would definitely not be her.
IMO, her life was screwed the moment she got engaged to Rido. Even though she wasn’t crazy, she was still locked up and treated like she was. Her circumstances/fate pushed her to make the choices she did and end up a villain. If fate had been kinder to her, she would not have become a villain at all.
Other reasons I love her are because of how beautiful and elegant she is, how she has an air of mystery and sadness, and how her story just interested me the most.
And I get that other people still hate/dislike her regardless of everything I mentioned, and that is alright. This is not meant to convince people to like her, but to explain why I personally love her. So don’t come at me trying to tell me why she is evil and I should be ashamed for liking her okay? (ง'̀-'́)ง
So! If you ever read this long post, Hazel, now you know why she is my favorite character.ヽ(ಠ_ಠ)ノ
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To the person who send the vent about moving in with your autistic friend: you literally don't deserve any credit for not getting angry at her. It's the bare minimum:)))
Also the fact that you are relived now that you know that no one got frustrated or angry with her? Why moving her in a place where you weren't sure about that?
And lastly why would you share her struggles like that? She probably went through enough why would someone post that ?
(This is absolutely no hate to you,Sarah!! Much love to you and I don't see anything wrong with you being happy about that ask. These are just little things people do so often that annoy the shit out of me. Yes, the whole story, that they moved in together and everything is really wholesome and I wish them the best. 💙)
Anon, you're totally right about the first thing. As someone with autism, PTSD, etc., I'm so used to people getting upset with me and not being patient or understanding. I'm used to my own family and friends getting frustrated when I talk too much or too fast, or when I do the opposite and shut down completely.
So when I see people talking about or explaining how they were patient and kind, I tend to get overly excited/happy about it. Especially because all I can think about is how happy I feel when someone lets me stim, or when my brother texts me from across the room because he noticed I got quiet and I'm humming to myself to drown out noise (and he knows I can't talk so we message each other instead).
So, in the grand scheme of things, you technically shouldn't get a pat on the back or a gold star for being kind, because yes, it is the bare minimum. But then again, they don't really teach you how to handle when someone goes non-verbal in school, you know? My mom knew my brother was autistic and still had no clue on how to handle his outbursts or help when he was overstimulated. I learned how to help him on my own, just by observing and sitting with him (plus living with him for 15 years of his life probably helped, so I got to know him pretty well).
It's completely possible that the first Anon has never experienced seeing their ASD friend act like this before. And when someone locks themselves away, refuses to eat, refuses to speak—well, that can be scary and overwhelming when you don't know how to make it better. You can't just go into their space and make them come out, you know? So being patient, while being worried, and waiting for their friend to come out on their own was all they could really do.
To the second point: everyone with ASD is different (like every disorder, mental illness, disability, sexuality, etc), so I don't know how their friend handles change on a day-to-day basis, but for myself, I always hope that I will like the change and that I will have fun. Moving in with your friends is supposed to be fun! Going to college is fun! Picking out your room and decorations, making schedules, and getting to be an adult for the first time are fun and exciting! AND she was going it all with her friends! So, it's totally possible even she didn't know she was going to shut down as badly as she did until she was already moved in, when reality hit. I always want to go do big fun things, like go to the fair or the mall, but then once I'm there I get overwhelmed and need a break (sometimes before we even get started).
So, although I don't know their story, I can see how they didn't know they would have such a bad reaction to all that change at once until it was too late. And then Anon being relieved that nobody else was upset with her, in my opinion, is a good reaction and feeling to have, since they clearly care about their friend enough to hope that nobody saw her as a burden or was upset with her actions.
And the final point, this is the internet and it's anonymous. The chance that this anon's roommate is on Tumblr, follows my blog, and realizes this post is about them is slim. If that were the case, the only people who would know would be the original Anon and said roommate. That Anon wanted to share something that made them smile and feel good/happy, but clearly, they needed an anonymous way to do so, so they came to me. And I don't mind when people come to me with stuff like that! I love getting messages from people about whatever they're going through, good or bad.
Since they're going to college, I will go with the assumption that everyone in the household is young. 18-20-year-olds most likely, with no real-world experience just yet. They're learning new things every single day, and that includes how to understand their friend who happens to have autism.
So, Anon, I totally understand where you're coming from with this follow-up message to them. I get it! I see why you get annoyed and upset when it feels like people are only doing the bare minimum and expecting a reward. But I also like to hope that, maybe, this person is just starting out on their path to learning more about neurodivergent people (ASD, ADHD, OCD, ADD, etc), and mental health as a whole. And I want to encourage them to keep learning, to keep being patient, and to keep trying to understand those of us who don't quite think the same as everyone else.
Thank you for messaging me, really! /gen. I love that you're passionate about your feelings for this, and I love that you messaged me so you would be heard. I also love being able to talk about this stuff, even though I doubt anyone really reads it, lol.
We all wish the other Anon the best with their new move, their friend, and their college semester! And I love you both!! I hope you're having a wonderful day/night wherever you are!! <333
#Sarah replies#ask#anon#autism#actually autistic#neurodivergent#mental health talk#mental health#ASD#/gen#I hope this isn't taken out of context or bad#i put a lot of thought into this#and i really think the original anon had good intentions#and this one too#you're both amazing and looking out for others in your own way#and that makes me happy#tw discussion
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it baffles me that ppl on here still send me messages about the pokemon fandom, and more specifically the g/s fandom, like i care or have anything to contribute
so lemme just. sum it up one last time and then the anons are getting blocked, along with a couple of other semi-regular questions i'm not gonna answer
i dont write fics atm bcuz i'm busy and uninspired
part of why i'm uninspired is absolutely ppl messaging me about Drama
mostly i'm uninspired bcuz other stuff i've been writing is 1000x more interesting than anything i was writing for pkmn fandom
i left that one discord server bcuz i didnt like it
there's nothing deeper to me not liking it. i thought the place had bad vibes every time i visited, so i left
i cannot tell you anything about the ppl on the server or who runs it bcuz i literally cant remember them and to my memory, never rly knew them / was never friends with them
if you think it has bad vibes too, cool, i don't care, it's got nothing to do with me how you feel about a place that also has nothing to do with me
if i had to say any one thing that annoys me about g/s fans, it's the tendency to whine incessantly about lack of content while never contributing content or supporting what there is. THAT'S why i dont check tags any more, and yes, it's a contributing factor in my lack of interest in the ship any more. i find the hypocrisy annoying and the complaining about what's there unfair. the way ppl talk about that ship and the content for it makes me second-guess why i even like it, which is sad bcuz i've shipped it since 2000, but oh well!!! i dont rly miss it i just get frustrated when ppl remind me of all this
yes i was online harassed for years and it was horrible. there is literally no reason for anyone except me to bring it up any more tho. and no!!! it does not have anything to do with that server!!!!
i literally never think about that server unless ppl are on here asking me shit about it or telling me their grievances for god knows what reason. i cannot emphasise this enough: if we're not friends, that's your personal problem, and you need to deal with it instead of dumping it on a stranger.
"do you think ppl are parasocial with you" dont be absurd. i'm too much of a non-presence for that to be the case. i think ppl are either venting bcuz they dont know anyone else in the fandom, or they think venting their fandom frustrations will make me wanna be their friend but no, it doesn't, bcuz it's petty bullshit and i dont care
"are you going to update [insert fic]" probably not
"are you going to write [insert fic idea]" probably not
"where can i find your original writing" lol it's. not hard but i'm also not gonna tell you bcuz *gestures at vague legal things*
"why dont more ppl support your original writing??" idk. have you tried reccing it? i dont promote it more than the bare minimum requirements. in part bcuz of my personality disorder but also bcuz i dont have a reason to be invested in it being successful. no i will not explain that further, the moment anyone says something about how Publishing Industries Work ppl take it as gospel but this is a very unique and localised situation. that's as much as you'll get.
i'm also not invested in my fics being read or whatever bcuz to me fics are a low-pressure low-priority hobby and it's easier to keep it that way if there arent many ppl reading what i'm writing. it's nice when ppl do!! love it when ppl do and enjoy it and have nice things to say!!!! but i write fics just to have some fun and then post them if i think other ppl can have some fun with it too. no skin off my nose if they're not read, but also: i know other fic writers see it differently, and they are completely right and valid to feel that way!!! it's MUCH easier to write with validation & attention, if you are someone who thrives from validation & attention.
"why dont you post more" bcuz i dont have anything to say
"can i follow you on twitter" if you can find the one i actually use, sure, give a go, i'll prob deny your req unless i recognise your username
and inb4
"why dont you just remake" that.... seems like more effort than this place is worth? and mostly i dont get this stuff it's like. once or twice a month and then i get annoyed
"why dont you turn off ask" bcuz mostly theyre fine and old friends/mutuals checking in and i mean. it's not that i dont LIKE attention/validation i just dont NEED it
"why are you being so rude" i'm trying to scare ppl off....... duh.....
"why is this so unreadable" i thought about formatting it better but god that's more effort than i wanna give like. just writing this is enough, and that's an effort born out of frustrating from almost two years of these messages
ANYWAY GOOD NIGHT
#daino rants#q and a with daino#SORRY FOR THE DRAMA FOLKS#AND SORRY IF THE READ MORE DOESNT WORK#literally nobody should care about any of this imo#yet here i am once again
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ahhhh hi i’m the same anon that was asking about tsuki having depression and i have an idea for headcanons if you’re up for it. how would he want his s/o to be there for him when he’s feeling depressed/suicidal/anxious? could be different for all 3 i’m assuming but would he want to be left alone? cuddles? distractions? idk i really feel for him and i want him to be okay 🥺 sadboi hours over here
Yo I should just make a whole ass series of just depressed tsukki scenarios and hcs lmao someone tell me please I feel like some of you guys liked it-
And if Tsukki was real and ever suffered from all this I’d literally sell my bed to get him therapy.
But here goes!
Trigger warnings: Depression, mentions of suicide, mentions of self harm, anxiety, mild swearing
🌙Tsukishima Kei🌙
Depressed:
I feel like if he were to be depressed, he would really just need someone that can listen to him. No input, just listen. As I mentioned in my last post about why I think he may be suffering from a form of mental disorder, Tsukishima is a rather closed off person. He won’t let people know when he’s suffering, or how he’s suffering. Even you, as his s/o, had to try really hard to get him to open up. He was secretive at first, often trying to hide his depressing thoughts under his witty sarcasm and dry humour. However the more you observed him, the clearer the full picture became. He wasn’t being an asshole to people because he wanted to piss them off. He was being an asshole to push them away. He was trying not to let others in on this huge secret of his because he didn’t want them to worry or pry. You were able to get to him only because you caught him cutting in the storage cabinet. To say you were pissed was an understatement. You were able to form a close relationship with him, despite his aloof personality, but never did you even think that he would be suffering from depression. Out of support for him, you gave him a rubber band. He wore that on his arm every day. Whenever he wanted to cut, he would flick himself with the rubber band as hard as he could. That way, he wouldn’t have to cut himself, but he could still feel the pain. The reason why you did that was because you understood him. You understood how hard it was to feel obligated to push everyone away. How devastating it must be to think hurting yourself was worth it. You couldn’t just take the pain away instantly. He had a choice. If you hadn’t given him that rubber band, the only way he would feel satisfied was cutting himself. With time, less rubber band marks were evident in his skin. He had slowly started to get used to the thought of not cutting, and it was honestly thanks to you. Whenever he goes through a depressing episode, all you can do is let him cry it out. You would hold him close so he has some form of support while he just bawls his eyes out. You didn’t care if it stained your shirt, or wrinkled it. You’d do anything just to see him finally come out victorious against the demon known as depression.
Suicidal:
If he were suicidal, you would need to remind him constantly that there’s something he should live for. You definitely had no idea that he didn’t care. You thought that by convincing him to live for his friends, or his family, he would eventually understand his self worth, but you were wrong. You never realised what would make his walls crumble until you walked in on an attempt. He was been on the roof of his house, barely balancing on the narrow top as he just looked down to the ground, body already leaning forward. In this scenario, you really had to put that persuasive language unit to the test, and quick. You tried your very best to convince him there was something to live for, and let’s be real, there’s so much he should live for. He didn’t listen to most of it, explaining how everyone would be “absolutely fine without him.” However, he finally cracked when you mentioned yourself. You needed him. You couldn’t bare to think how miserable you would be if you ever lost him. That was when it really clicked, and he started to regret it. Maybe it was because he never understood just how much of an impact the loss of one person could do to the world. He never thought anyone cared about him. He had been lied to so many times. One of the liars even being his own brother. The person he trusted the most. He thought that if people thought so lowly of him that they thought lying to him was absolutely fine, then maybe he was so worthless that it wouldn’t matter if he just disappeared. He never truly understood what it was to love, or care for someone, until he started dating you. Even then, he thought that you were too good for him, or that you were only dating him out of pity. He never told you about his suicidal tendencies, as he didn’t want to be hurt again, like he has been so many times before. Never did he even imagine you would be the first and only person to reach out to him when he needed someone the most. That night, was the first time you ever told him you loved him. You let him fall asleep, head buried in your torso as his soft snores tickled your skin, an arm draped over your chest. The next day, you got him a tiny promise ring, a matching one with yours. That was going to be what represented his will to live. That would be a reminder that even if everybody else left his side, you would still continue to give him unconditional support. Maybe it was then, that he finally understood that he too was deserving of love and care. Perhaps he would finally understand he did have something to live for.
Anxiety:
The biggest problem with Tsukishima when it comes to anxiety is the panic attacks. He would constantly get them over the tiniest things. Finals week coming up? Panic attack. Volleyball match the next day? Panic attack. Exam scores are being announced in a week? Panic attack. With anxious Tsukishima, you really have to constantly be there for him. His panic attacks are terrifying and unexpected. He only trusts you enough to let you in on this information. Whenever a panic attack hits, you’re the first person he calls. You would rush over to his place, and see him crying somewhere in his room, curled into a ball. All you can do is try and calm him down by guiding his breathing, massaging his scalp or playing with his hair, rubbing his back, and encouraging him. Then, you would have to reassure him that everything would be perfectly fine, and that he did great in getting over his panic attack. Thank god he ended up dating you. All he wants is to feel at ease and vulnerable around someone, but he doesn’t want to show his weak side to anyone else. He didn’t want them to think he was weak. However you supported him along the way, and never once did you ever poke fun at his anxiety. He feels relaxed knowing that at least one person would never be out to screw him over, and that’s the only thing he ever asks for.
This was lowkey heart wrenching lol Tsukki is baby adjsfhaskdjcf
#haikyuu x reader#tsukishima#tsukki#hq tsukki#tsukishima kei#haikyuu scenarios#hq headcanons#tsukishima headcanons#haikyuu headcanons#haikyuu#karasuno#haikyuu tsukishima#hq x reader#tsukishima x reader
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The Reboot
So I abandoned this stuff for a while because I was trying to be better... healthier. But now I am the highest weight I have ever been and I just can’t deal with it anymore. I gained weight for good reason- I was blessed with a perfect baby boy who I love more than anything. I did not restrict at all and I was dreadfully fatigued the whole pregnancy so I could barely move. But now we are past that and I am finally starting to lose again. I need to get back to my old size- at least give it my best effort. I ca feel my husband being less attracted to me. I don’t even feel attractive to myself.
Pre- baby & pre-marriage... I was a size 0/2. Lowest weight: 109 lbs. Current weight postpartum and post-covid (we hope!): 155 lbs. Size 10. I was at 165 but I have lost some in the past few months. None of my old clothes fit and now things are starting to open up and people want to hang out but I just can’ face it until I am at least back in a size 4. I am hoping to hit 150 by next week and then steadily keep losing at least 3 lbs per week after that. I don’t care if it takes me until Fall to do it I am going to lose all the weight. I will not be satisfied until I am back in a size 2. Before I had my baby, I was serving tables and bartending. I was on my feet all the time and I used it to lose weight. I wouldn’t eat all day and I would work doubles most days of the week. I would even go to the gym on those days sometimes just to give myself an extra push. When I came home I would only allow myself a little vegan ramen and tofu and that was it. I sometimes took sleeping pills on my days off so I would sleep the entire day away and not buy food. I was obsessed, but it worked. I got into the best shape of my life. I look at my photos from just 2 or 3 years ago and think... wow. I really looked beautiful. I wish I had appreciated it more. Now I can not even look at a photo of me without crying.
Finally I am vaccinated and have been able to go to a gym again.
Goal weight 1: 150 lbs // GW2: 145 lbs // etc ... UGW: 115 lbs
So far I have been pretty good with my eating- not totally restricting but I am keeping it below 1000 calories. I have been reading posts on here about how it is not possible to gain weight eating like 1200 calories or something but... I def beg to differ. I have been eating really healthy throughout my pregnancy, and not really going too high above 1500 calories and I have gained A LOT of weight. I think I just have a really slow metabolism. My mom and my grandmother have had eating disorders. My grandma was anorexic her whole life. She actually tried to kill herself right before her 80th birthday bc my family tried to make her take pills to increase her appetite and make her eat more. She hid them all. Then when they made her take them she tried to commit suicide. So ... after generations of this I think my body is just over it. It hangs onto every single calorie I eat. I was always around a size 6 until I started restricting seriously to 600 calories or less a day. I am sorry but I am too petite to look good in a size 6. Taller girls look perfect in a 6 but being 5′2″ I just look like Humpty Dumpty.
I noticed when I lost weight- like at my absolute SMALLEST, men would slip into my DM’s NON STOP. It was obscene! Every single day, if I met a straight man anywhere- in class, at a restaurant, at work, ANYWHERE he would 9 times out of 10 dm me later and try to get me to come out with him. Now I am very happily married but I am not gonna lie, I miss being seen as beautiful. I feel like now I am just blending into the background or something. It is so lonely becoming a mom - especially in covid isolation. It’s like, I lost a lot of myself. I definitely don’t want to be single again and I won’t do anything with anyone, it’s more just about the confidence and feeling seen. I want to wear my cute outfits and my cute makeup and feel sexy while also being an awesome mama and wife. I feel like my husband deserves a beautiful wife.
*sighs* welp... that’s my therapy today. lol
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My first suicide note
Don’t worry, this isn’t THE note, merely me reminiscing about what WAS my first note. And anyway, starting my actual suicide note with ‘first’ would be extremely stupid and already declaring defeat...which is ironic, since, you know, suicide is declaring defeat from life in general.
Oh god. I do this a lot. Use poor humour to deflect from my obviously concerning thoughts. But anyway, it’s fine.Back to topic. (side note; there was no humour in my first suicide note. Hmm. Maybe I should incorporate that in the next one...joke. Maybe.Hopefully. Idk)
Anyway, first suicide note. Ah yes. I was fifteen.It was..2014? I don’t really remember much of it or the details surrounding that year. Just that it was angry and sad and vengeful and full of so much...hurt.Against everyone.My friends.My enemies. My mother.
Ah. My mother. A recurring character in every suicide note I’ve ever written. It’s not her fault. She is not per say a bad person. But more on that later. This isn’t about her. This is about my suicide note and how it ended up being the first one.
A lot had been leading up to it. I should probably avoid saying the work depressed since I wasn't clinically diagnosed, but a bitch isn’t dumb. Or I mean, she is. But not in this case. You know when you spend the better part of two months not talking to anyone and experience the crushing pressure of this giant, pressing hollowness gnawing-ness that stays there no matter what you do, that THAT isn’t normal. Or at least, it wasn’t to me.
Tbh, I don’t understand much of it. That feeling. What caused it. Why it became such a significant part of my being. I was just in a negative head space. I had suddenly become hyper aware of the farce in everyone’s interaction with me. I detested that I couldn’t study what I wanted to. I had just...a lot going on.
And also, truthfully, I think I had been using too much Tumblr. I would see this constant downpour of emaciated, beautiful girls talking about sadness as skinny white boys with cigarettes dangling from the corner of their mouths would tenderly hold them and I guess I internalised that this was what it took to be loved and also all that life had to offer.
Love. What a funny thing I chase after.So uninterested but also so extremely curious. Sigh.
Also, funny how the very platform that propelled me into the state I was then, is what I have chosen to come back to while meandering somewhere similar to that state. Not really funny,but what did I say..force of habbit.
Anyway, back to story. I was sad.Really sad. And angry. And the final straw was the fight with my mom. I don’t remember what it was about. Not important. Just that I realised that I didn’t want my life anymore. Any life for that matter.
So, how does a 15 year old, kill herself? Or well, try to. Because, suuurprise. It obviously didn’t work. I didn’t die. (yet) Or I wouldn’t be ‘’killing time’’ (haha) by writing this.
Well,didn’t own a gun.not smart enough to figure out how strangulation worked.House not tall enough for free falling from roof to cause desired effect. Too much of a wimp to cut veins.
The only other logical explanation was to ingest some poison. Painless. Bound to achieve results without risking grotesquely convulsing my appearance in the way that free falling or burning would do should the fail to work.
Now, we didn’t have any poison lying around the house but I remember how popularised the video of the Amanda Todd suicide was and how she mentioned drinking bleach to kill herself. So, my manic self rushed to the bathroom in search for my poison.
Unfortunately, I could find no bleach. So,I reached out for the next best thing. This anti acne product I had bought from Shams recently. It was pretty expensive and barely used but since I was going to die anyway,what was the point of me being careful with this overpriced bottle of skin care.
Yes, I decided to die by gulping down a bottle of a beautification product for my skin. Not only is that highly improbable but I think about it and snicker at the fact that is basically a twist on the whole ‘eat makeup to become prettier on the inside’ joke. I was basically annihilating all the blemishes on my inside by ingesting that bottle of toner. Pretty funny, if you think about it. Or just me?
To be fair, at the time, I didn’t think it was. I legitimately thought I was going to die.With my eyes sputtering out a tsunami of tears,I guzzled the colourless liquid from the transparent bottle and drank till there was only around 20 percent left.
The whole thing rushing down my windpipe in one giant gulp. The second I was done with this I started freaking out. My throat burned and I felt this warm, icky wave of nausea steadily creep up on me.
You see, I stupidly didn’t wager that it would take so long.My juvenile brain had been expecting the job to be done quick and painlessly. This was neither and now my paranoid brain started whizzing like an unstoppable slot machine. I started panicking, remembering this post I had read online by this guy who recounted how his failed attempt at ingesting pills for suicide resulted in a highly painful stomach pumping experience and a life time of painful and uncomfortable digestion. I wasn’t prepared for that.I couldn’t not die and also end up with more issues on top of the ones I already did.
In a mad rush against time, I scrambled to get my phone and performed a quick Google search-what to do if you eat poison. The most frequently suggestions were to call poison control and to induce vomiting. Since, I couldn't really do the first one, I made way to the toilet and thankfully to my minor stint with bulimia (and they said eating disorders aren’t useful, pfft) , I knew exactly how to do the latter. Quickly, I shoved my fingers down my throat and attempted to force my alimentary canal to defy gravity. I alternated between this and ramming my toothbrush down my mouth and lo and behold, spurts of translucent chemical gush forth from my mouth like a faulty tap.
At this point, I had progressed to full blown sobbing. I wasn’t able to successfully eliminate all the toxic liquid from my body and the purge had just resulted with me hiccuping incessantly and my stomach gurgling uncontrollably. Also, my mouth had a horrible aftertaste. Overall, I felt repulsive and sick and also glaringly aware of my soon to be (in my head) death.
In my misery studded mind, I made peace with my fate and decided that were I to to die, I had to make sure I hurt everyone who ever hurt me just as much as. I wanted them to feel guilty. Afterall, my death couldn’t just end with a bunch of people feeling sorry for me and the people who had done me wrong to not experience any of the anguish I had. So, I put pen to paper and began to scribble on an old English paper-my first suicide letter.
At the time, I didn’t know it was to be my first, of course. I thought it was my one and only. I dedicated this atrocious piece of writing to virtually everyone who meant anything to me in my life. Ex best friend? Obviously mentioned. Brother? Definitely to blame. Friend who cared but not enough? Special shout out.
But the star of the show, the main dedication of the bitterness fuelled literary rampage was one person-my lovely mother. Like I said, not a bad person. But just not compatible with me, to put it nicely. Anyway, the body of this letter revolved around her and how all the events of my interactions with her had materialised into this blame. If any one was to be guilt ridden after this entire ordeal, I wanted to make sure that it was her.
Everyone else got a few sentences or a paragraph, but my mom, well she got pages and pages of my teen angst and venom against her. In fact, the opening of this abysmal note started off with something like, ‘’In case I don’t wake up tomorrow’’ (I wasn’t sure how effective the ‘’poison’’ would be. In hindsight, not at all), ‘’ you (mother) should know that YOU are to blame for all of this’’.
Pretty dramatic, am I right? Anyway, I don’t really remember more of what happened in the note, but basically, you get the idea of how it went, ok?
So, yeah, after penning that intense piece of literature, I willed myself to go to sleep and hopefully die painlessly in my slumber. Or not. I wasn’t sure at this point whether I wanted to survive or not. Probably the most anxious sleep I was getting. After all, I didn’t know whether I was going to wake up the next morning or not.
Spoiler alert: I did. With relief.
And I tore up the note immediately. I think my mother had already read some of it but I am not sure if I remember entirely. I recall sitting in the car with her as she drove and a passing mention was made of it and all I said was that I had written a story in my notebook. And that was it. Did she believe me? Or did she simply not care enough? Or maybe her brain could not even begin to register that I was capable of performing such an abominable task. I don’t know. I wonder though, if she ever stays up at night wondering about what it meant. What any of it was.
I’m pretty sure she doesn’t even remember. I do.
And that, brings to a complete, the pointless rambling of me and my first suicide note.
good bye.
(we’ve reached the end. im not gonna go kill myself...right now. lol. maybe/ ok bye)
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Spiritual Log August 26 2019
DISCLAIMER: Please seek help from professionals when dealing with ANY kind of disorder, physical or mental. I just happened to choose not to and I am not blaming any entity or anyone for the results of that choice as well as my current situation. You can take my own personal experiences here as SPIRITUAL ADVICE and I am more than happy to assist, but if symptoms persist, please consult medical professionals. My info here is not liable in any way if any kind of physical or mental harm happens to the end user. Thank you for understanding.
*Before I start this entry, let us all collectively focus our high-vibrational intentions to the healing and recovery of the Amazon rainforest. Feel free to channel energy towards healing not just the Amazonas but also the mass consciousness expressing the disturbance in this world. Thank you.*
I was gonna log so much stuff but for some reason, I got into a depression *a very dangerous one* since the start of this month, and instead of spreading my low vibes I just chose not to blog about it and just transmute. It was a very disturbing time because no matter how much I cleared my energy fields, my subconscious, cords and attachments, anything I thought of clearing, the depression just persisted. I wasn't on meds and I don't have a shrink but so far, I have been managing it OK. Even more so once I have come to terms with the fact that my depression stems from the Spiritual Awakening process, and that I just have to face my demons and learn how to reintegrate my shadow aspects back into my self, along with a lot of other healing methods. But this time around, it felt so scary. The need to kill myself just grew stronger everyday. It was so dark that I was doubting if it was even mine. 100% gloom and doom there. But then last week Wednesday I just found out that the Amazon rainforest has been suffering from wildfires for 3 weeks already. AND I WASN'T EVEN INFORMED. Not here on tumblr nor twitter or even Youtube. Not on the telly. Nada. And that was very disappointing, I have never felt so much lack of care or disappointment since the day when the presidential candidate I voted (RIP MDS) lost and was almost at the last part of the race. And it was very disturbing that nobody gave a crap in the planet's lungs. No wonder so many people, apart from myself who got so depressed this month. They probably don't know why, and probably won't know why until they started opening their eyes to the truth. Especially geomantic empaths *cough, like me, cough* 😆 I mean, a large portion of the earth was in pain, in suffering, and go barely any attention, so she just directly contacted empaths everywhere. And that's where the stuff about empaths start to get tricky. Because despite numerous posts, the info are mostly too-general to be digested, and cannot give answers to those who have more needs than others.
I have been on this conscious awakening process for 3 years now, and I haven't gotten the hang of being an empath. Mainly because most of the stuff I read or watch have no specifics on how or why empaths are able to feel the energies and emotions of others, as well as being unable to distinguish if these emotions and thoughts are their own. For once and for all, I will give my 2 cents on this topic because I personally had some disturbing yet enlightening experiences on what empaths experience and why some of them are just so full of angst. Also because this might help at least someone out there and help them be at ease.
WHY EMPATHS INTERNALIZE AND EXPERIENCE THE EMOTIONS AND THOUGHTS OF OTHERS
To find out what needs to be healed in an unwell person - e.g. You suddenly felt heartbroken and sad, and flashes of your past breakups kept rushing into your head. You thought you were over them all already, and you were, because they were years ago. But then suddenly everything comes back to you. The pain, the trauma, the endless nights of rollercoastering between paranoia on why you were dumped and hope that your dumper will evetually come around. Turns out one of your friends/mates was unceremoniously dumped and has been suffering in silence for the past week.
To fine-tune the healing process for each person to be healed - e.g. using different strategies of healing two friends who were both fatigued, but one is emotionally-drained due to being friends with a toxic colleague and the other one has been overly anxious over the resuls of their DNA test because it will determine their fate (relax it's just a scenario, that can happen.lol)
HOW EMPATHS INTERNALIZE AND EXPERIENCE THE EMOTIONS AND THOUGHTS OF OTHERS
Basically, all of your inner demons will come back to haunt you, with gusto and fervor. All vibrations, low or high, will be at their extreme levels. Things you thought were already cleared will rush back with even greater intensity and pain. And you can't help wondering why or if these are even your own. (Hint: 90% probably not yours)
E.g. In the 1st 2 weeks of August, all of my memories of being sexually-harrassed while I was drunk and broken-hearted kept rushing back to me. Randomly. No warning whatsoever. My hate was filled to the brim. I easily got mad, and upset, and I could've cried at a drop of a hat. Everything made no sense to me, I just finished my full-moon clearing and everything felt even more horrible. I felt trapped, hopeless, in extreme despair, and very much suicidal. Fast forward to 2 nights ago when I hit up an old friend and had some catch-up, turns out this person had been dealing with workplace issues as well as harrassment by an older person for the same time period that I had been experiencing shit. So yeah, turns out it wasn't really mine, but to be able to relate to this friend, I had to relive my own experiences so I can enter the friend's energy field. Because I had a similar experience with my friend's. Similar experiences create resonance with empaths so they can detect emotions, feelings, or thoughts by others, especially their loved ones. I just decided to heal us both before I ended the call, to clear our energy fields. It turned out to be a very enlightening experience for us both. *Fun fact: Empaths can bunch together, get individually attached to narcs, or both. It sucks*
WHY IT IS IMPORTANT TO CLEAR ENERGY FIELDS AFTER EVERY INTERACTION
See above. Because if not cleared, the inner demons will just keep popping up. Like having light on a mirror. No matter what happens, as long as there is light, things will always get reflected on mirrors. Also, a clearer energy field means less resonance with others having a bad day. Besides, it's easier to detect happy energies that way.
HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS ANNOYING SITUATION - STEP BY STEP
If a negative emotion is felt:
Step 1 - Ask this emotion if it is yours. If yes, go to step 5. If no, proceed to next step.
Step 2 - Send this emotion back to where it came from, or send it directly to Source. Tell it to leave you because it has no business with you, as it is not yours. Bring in your full intent of sending this emotion away. With love.
Step 3 - Ground and check to see if your emotions calmed down or disappeared. If yes, go to next step. If no, repeat 1st step.
Step 4 - Relax, drink some water, and pat yourself in the back. Then make a high-vibrational shield around you to keep other people's emotions out. *Some make mirrors, some make golden egg-shaped ones, some use invisibility cloaks, some use white light. For me, I encase myself in a lovely nata de coco sphere. Low vibes stay out, light goes in, plus it's delicious. Yes my energy shield is food, lol it works for me so why not.* The End.
Step 5 - Meditate on why this emotion is appearing to you now. Ask what needs to be healed so it can be released. You can also do emotion code in this step. Crying or emotional release is definitely recommended.
Step 6 - Once the reason/s was/were identified, go to Step 2.
Repeat entire process as needed.
If a positive emotion is felt:
JUST ENJOY THE WHOLE RIDE, DUH. 😆 At least take advantage of being an empath by enjoying and dwelling in other people's happiness too. It also amplifies the energies and helps raise the earth's vibrations.
Well, I hope this journal entry helps you, especially during these chaotic times. Thank you very much, and may you find the healing you seek. Love and hugs from Source above. ♡
Mikazuki
三日月
#thought log on spirituality#about being an empath#empath#empath experiences#it's not what you think#how empaths experience the emotions of others#my own experiences#also it sorta sucks#empaths#being an empath#the empath life#why empaths need to clear their energies#why we all have to do energy clearings everyday#empaths and energy clearings#how to manage being an empath
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Skam season 3, episode 9 reaction
Hey everyone! It has been a while since I posted one of these, but I wanted to talk about O Helga Natt around its anniversary. And I also wanted to post this before the bloopers were released, heh.
Talking about this episode and especially O Helga Natt almost makes me want to throw my hands up in the air, because how can I possibly do justice? This is where the story has been heading this whole time; this is what Isak’s story has been building to. It is truly extraordinary film-making and storytelling. Watching it in real time and getting to cry in unison with fans across the globe was one of the most rewarding experiences I've had watching a television show.
Episode 9
Clip 1 - To Isak my son
deLillos’ Hjernen er alene is playing at the start of the clip - an obvious reference to episode 5 cuddle scene. Also Tarjei is a big deLillos fan so that’s cool they used that band.
I have no adequate words to describe Tarjei’s acting in this scene. It’s so good and full that you just want to appreciate it frame by frame, so I apologize if I sound redundant singing his praises.
The irony of the title of this clip - “Life is good” from the “Cherry Wine” lyrics Even sends - should be pretty apparent since life is clearly anything but good for Isak at this time, and anyone still reeling from the hotel scene would not need to be reminded
Poor Isak. He’s gone through hell in the past few hours. Tarjei’s value as an actor is never more apparent than in scenes like this. He can convey so much with his eyes and just the littlest facial reaction. Isak looks so wiped and despondent without being over the top sad. Even his body language tells you so much! The completely deflated shoulders, the stillness. You know how all the energy and happiness has been sucked out of this kid.
Good job Isak for going and looking up mania, by the way. I mean, Wikipedia is maybe not the best source, but he went and educated himself. Though obviously he’s probably burning with more questions, it’s a start.
The section of the Wikipedia article on screen mentions depression, as slight foreshadowing for later in the episode.
Isak’s phone is getting texts, though we don’t see them yet. They must really be like pinpricks to his heart. He must know or guess they’re from Even (or someone connected to Even like Sonja) and he just doesn’t want to deal with it or potentially see more bad news.
It’s only been like 9 hours since the end of the hotel clip. How much sleep do you think Isak got? (None.) Did he cry for hours? Did Eskild give him a hug and make him something to drink?
When Eskild appears in the door and asks if Isak needs anything, Isak doesn’t answer for a moment. Because really, what can he possibly say? What does Isak need in this situation that Eskild can provide? Because no amount of comfort or a cup of tea or anything else is going to change the fact that Even is apparently bipolar and not legitimately in love with him, that this incredible relationship of his dreams was fake. What Isak needs is to be told that last night was a dream and Even walking out of that hotel room didn’t really happen, but Eskild can’t provide that honestly.
Eskild, bless him, is still in the doorway, and he’s weighing what he needs to say. You can tell he wants to say the right thing or at least something that will genuinely help Isak, but the guru is stumped. This is not an experience he’s handled.
Carl also plays this really well. Eskild is dialed down a few notches and what he brings to this scene isn’t Eskild’s playfulness or humor, which would be out of place, but his kindness and desire to help the people he cares about.
What did Isak tell Eskild about how everything went to hell, anyway? The whole story, or the abridged version? Because I wouldn’t be surprised if Isak just didn’t talk much or explain the situation, other than it was over with him and Even, or Even didn’t really love him.
I’m also not sure how much experience Eskild has with something like bipolar disorder, so if Isak in fact told him something like “Even is manic and our relationship was fake the whole time,” he might not have been equipped to explain that’s not how mania works.
When Eskild says, “It will pass, Isak,” Isak is barely reacting (Tarjei’s acting!!!! So subtle but so good!). You can tell the words don’t land like Eskild wants them to - maybe Isak doubts this pain will pass, or he know it will but doesn’t feel like this heartbreak can last anything but forever. But I also think Isak doesn’t want it to “pass” - what he wants is to cling to the happy moments when his time with Even felt more real than anything in his life.
Eskild tells Isak that it might not seem like the heartbreak will pass, but it does. Not gonna lie, I want to know all about Eskild’s heartbreaks, because this part, at least, is him speaking from experience.
Isak doesn’t even reply to that. Not out of rudeness or anything, just because I don’t think he has the words or the energy at this point.
When Eskild says to let him know if he wants to talk, Isak just nods after a few moments. Man, Isak barely speaks in this scene. I mean, most of it is him on his computer, but even when Eskild’s around, he can’t summon more than a few words.
When Eskild leaves, he shuts the door but doesn’t completely close it. It’s open just a little bit, which was very smart and perceptive of him. Isak spent so much of his time shutting himself up in his room (something that Eskild would have noticed) as well as shutting himself off from the people around him, that Eskild is wise not to close the door all the way. By keeping the door slightly open, he gives Isak that one bit of connection to the outside world even if he understands Isak isn’t in the mood for talking or socializing at the moment. It’s just a reminder that Isak isn’t alone.
Isak gets another sound of notification from his phone for a text message, and again, TARJEI’S ACTING. You can see him dreading to pick up his phone and read the message, but he knows that he better do it and rip off the Band-Aid. Or he better read the messages because it’s eating him up not to know.
The texts are of course the lyrics to “Cherry Wine” by Nas and Amy Winehouse. (There’s a typo in the lyrics that I think indicated that Mari or whoever copy + pasted the lyrics from a specific lyrics site that also had the typo, lol.)
Even does a lot of communicating in lyrics and drawings and other artistic or abstract methods, and it’s not different when he’s manic, except that the level is more … fervent, shall we say.
But man. These fucking lyrics. I think it’s clear that Isak doesn’t really get what Even’s trying to say. He associates the lyrics wtih Even’s mania, like Even going too far again and doing too much as with his Pretty Woman fantasy in the hotel room, or with Even’s pre-hotel texts from Thursday night (which are now making more sense to Isak in context). And Isak probably associates them with his mom’s Bible verses that she spams to him at length.
But Even is trying to convey something real to Isak. We don’t know his exact mental state at this time but there’s an obvious sincerity behind the text. He wants Isak to understand. The lyrics refer to the “noise of my head” and to intense feelings - mania, the idea that Even’s emotions are too much to bear. But that the solace in this point is “an immaculate version of me and my baby / With all respect cause you the only one that gets me” - Even is trying to single out their connection and their relationship, especially that Isak gets him. I think he’s trying to remind Isak of what he said about Sonja - don’t listen to her, because she doesn’t get us, you’re the only one - last week, Isak understood what Even was saying about “only you can feel what you feel” and now Isak needs to remember.
“Where is he? The man who was just like me / I heard he was hiding somewhere I can’t see” - Even wonders where Isak is, how he’s doing - he wishes Isak were still there with him. He also singles out the connection he feels, “just like me” - they have a bond and a natural connection.
The lyrics about it being good and pouring some cherry wine - Even wants everything to be okay with them, wants to return to normal, to the place of domesticity and comfort they had prior to what happened at the hotel
“Life is good no matter what” - I think he definitely implies that life is good no matter what with Isak. With Isak, nothing else matters.
Additionally we know Even is a Nas fan, but it’s possible he also selected that song because he knows Nas is something he shared with Isak, Nas is special to the two of them as a duo.
Isak does not know what to make of these lyrics, though. I think he gets maybe a little that Even is trying to reach him and reference their relationship, but he doesn’t understand the depth, and he assumes it’s just manic rambling (again, not helped by the resemblance of Isak’s mom’s texts with her Bible quotes to Even’s texts with song lyrics). Even only thinks he feels this way about Isak. It’s so painful.
Isak’s reply to Even is something that, on the one hand, I completely understand from an emotional perspective, but on the other, I yelled “NO!” when I read the subs. I get it, it has been a very long night and Isak is still confused as fuck, he’s only beginning to process what happened and make sense of it via Wikipedia, and he thinks that their relationship was all fake. He needs space, he needs to not get more messages from Even that will confuse him. And yet, this is of course painful as hell and you want to yell at Isak not to send that message.
I think a lot about what Even was going through after the hotel scene, and this is really one of the most heartbreaking parts for me to imagine from his POV. He’s trying to reestablish this connection with Isak and assure him that their love is real and emphasize the singularity and importance of their bond, and instead Isak sends him this short, blunt message that doesn’t give away any warmth toward Even and asks him to stop contacting him (for now, anyway). Imagine how Even felt reading that message. All of his worst fears are coming true. Isak has seemingly rejected him on the basis of his mental illness, Sonja has intervened … “life is good” with Isak, but Even can’t have life with Isak, it seems.
“Slutt å meld meg” - stop texting me - that’s kind of an echo of the end of episode 7, where Isak asks Even to break up with Sonja or let him be, except this time Even can’t run to him.
I fucking love how Isak writes the message and then hesitates before sending it, and then when he does send it, he does it quickly and forcefully to get it over with before he changes his mind. Almost like it pains him to send the message, too.
Guys, I cried the first time I saw this scene, and I’m tearing up now. When we hear the sound of the new text message coming in, we expect it to be Even again. It wouldn’t be unlikely for Even to reply something soon after Isak sent him something, even a brief acknowledgment like “OK, I’m sorry.” Although from Isak’s reaction, I wouldn’t be surprised if more likely he thought Even was so manic that he couldn’t stop himself from texting lyrics and other things that would confuse Isak. And if you were watching this scene in real time, or even binge-watching it after the fact - all that is on your mind, probably, is the hotel scene, Even’s mental illness, and Isak’s heartbreak. In real time, we were all a mess speculating what would happen to Even and to Evak and crying over the hotel clip. I mean, Julie had to apologize to her own crew for inflicting such torment on them! She had to post an “Alt er Love” to her own Instagram to keep us from losing hope! So I think most of us, in that chaos, forgot about what happened at the start of that hotel clip, when Isak carefully types out that text to his mom where he comes out and tells her that it will be OK. Hell, I think Isak forgot that he did. He got distracted by Even surprising him with the suite and them having sex and eating burgers and getting the creeping feeling that something was wrong with Even, and then obviously everything that happened once Even left the suite naked. Coming out to his mom must feel like ages ago even though it wasn’t even 24 hours.
You see Isak dreading that next text message, and then picking up his phone and staring at it, and for a long moment we the audience don’t get to see the text itself, we only get to see Isak’s stunned reaction to it. Whatever it was, it wasn’t something he expected.
Julie is honestly really gifted at timing and editing the actors’ reactions for emotional impact, and this is one of the best examples in the show. That extended pause is so we can just soak in Isak’s astonishment and Tarjei’s wonderful acting, the slow, small smile that gradually starts across Isak’s face. That delay before we get the beautiful message, and it wasn’t what we expected, but it was exactly what we needed in this moment of hopelessness. We had forgotten about the text to Isak’s mom, and likely so did Isak, but her reply came at the best possible time, with the best possible message.
This is one of the moments that solidifies the 21:21/birth/rebirth metaphor, like this is actually the scene that demonstrates it was a deliberate choice by Julie rather than some random happy accident where Julie unintentionally created that symbolism and zealous Skam fans overanalyzed it. We find out from the text message that Isak was literally born at 21:21 on June 21, and maybe it’s a lot of 21s but it works, we know that his literal birth is connected to his spiritual rebirth.
Mama Valtersen telling him that she will love him always is so reassuring. Especially when Isak is doubting someone else’s love (Even’s) is real, it’s extra good to be told he will always be loved by someone.
Also I just loved the way she said it? It feels like Biblical and epic to me, and her Bible texts haven’t always been the warmest and fuzziest but here’s one where the tone adds to the message. She has loved him from the moment she saw him.
Additionally, not to make this touching mother-son reunion all about Evak, but … guess who else has had significant feelings for Isak from first glance?
To expand on that topic, though, I do think while Isak’s relationship with his mom obviously serves its own purpose and has its own weight in Isak’s life and his arc, it also serves as a mirror of sorts to his relationship with Even. Obviously one is familial and one is romantic, but these are two mentally ill people he loves and chooses to accept in his life. Isak’s father doubted that his mother would be able to accept Isak with a boyfriend, but when given the chance to speak for herself, she subverts those expectations and reveals that she will always love Isak, conveying her acceptance of his sexuality. Sonja thinks Even’s feelings for Isak aren’t real, but when Even gets to speak for himself (particularly in the O Helga Natt text,but really any time he’s with Isak) he subverts her expectations and makes abundantly clear that he loves Isak and that his feelings are real. Two mentally ill people subverting the expectations of others who try to speak for them. Two mentally ill people Isak will decide that his life is better off including rather than rejecting.
That tear rolling down Isak’s cheek. He has likely cried so much in the past few hours, but now he’s crying over something positive rather than something painful.
I don’t think Isak realized exactly how much he wanted her to accept him until he read that message. Just the sheer relief of it! I kinda feel he always kept that fear at bay, out of sight, just like his relationship with her. Trying to minimize her importance, such as in the locker room scene. Like well, if she doesn’t approve of his sexuality, he doesn’t fucking care. She’s not in his life anyone. Who gives a shit what she thinks? (But of course he really does care and it’s been giving him anxiety all season.)
The way Isak holds the phone to his chest, over his heart, like he’s going to hold on to this feeling. The intense relief, that his mom accepts him. The hope that maybe their relationship isn’t dead and buried. It’s just what he needs at this moment.
Clip 2 - Magnus saves 2016
Jonas and Mahdi are having a conversation about Dennis Rodman and “Kim.” At first I was like … Kim Kardashian? And I was prepared to write this huge screed about how great it was that Isak mentioned Eskild’s interest in Kim Kardashian as a thing that marked him as too gay or gay-gay in the Pride clip, but now we had two apparently straight boys also talking about Kim Kardashian to subvert those expectations. And then I remembered that oh yeah, Dennis Rodman is pals with fucking Kim Jong-un. Wah-wah. In 2018 that seems so much less weird than everything else wrong with the American political hellscape.
Isak shows up with waffles and Mahdi takes that as his cue to exit. SEE YA!
Now the first time I saw this clip, I thought, while it was great, parts of it were a little contrived. (A not-entirely-positive opinion about S3? GASP.) It’s not a big thing and I’m a lot more fond of its role in the season now since I recognize its overall purpose, but one of the parts was that Jonas didn’t know why Isak was gone from school and that Isak hadn’t told him. I do think that I understand why Isak didn’t tell him - he was so depressed that he just didn’t want to talk about it, he wanted to retreat from the world. So I buy that. But I do kind of doubt that Jonas wouldn’t check in with Isak if he had been noticeably absent from class, considering all the bullshit that had just gone down with Isak so recently. Isak missed a week of class not long ago, if Isak is missing again it’s cause for concern.Jonas isn’t a pushy friend and gives Isak his space, so I can expect it from that perspective, though.
This is one of the downsides of Skam’s real time format - sometimes I do feel that they draw out events that would have been covered more quickly, or handled off screen, just so we can see the big reactions and moments in a clip instead of handled briskly in a text. Like I think the real reason Jonas didn’t know was so Isak could tell him in this clip, in front of Magnus, and Magnus could tell him about bipolar disorder.
But also, this season is so good that I can easily overlook nitpicks like this. The show has built up more than enough goodwill at this point, and I do enjoy this scene as a whole.
Anyway, Isak says he’s a bit down, Jonas asks what’s up, ever the helpful bro. Isak says that Even went out naked in the middle of the night and that he’s apparently bipolar, just as Magnus plops down with his mouth full of sandwich.
Oh, Magnus. We thought you were just a fool, but it turns out you’ve got unexpected reserves of wisdom. Kind of a theme in this season, all the people who turn out to have good advice if you just talk to them and listen to what they’re saying!
Magnus casually says his mom is bipolar when he sits down, like it isn’t a big deal at all. He might have said, “My mom’s an accountant,” or, “My mom’s a Libra.” He looks completely chill when he says it.
This is another thing I thought was contrived the first time I saw this clip - that Isak just happened to have a friend with a mentally ill parent with the exact same MI as his boyfriend, who could give him advice on how to handle it - but now I love it.
Think about it: all this time, Isak has been struggling with his relationship with his mom - keeping it kind of vague, really, just alluding to stress and family problems - and all this time, he’s had a friend who also has a mentally ill mother. Someone who has kind of a clue what he’s going through. Magnus’ relationship with his mom is a parallel to Isak’s with his mom, but unlike Isak, he apparently has a very close, seemingly untroubled relationship with her.
Isak learns a lot this season about sexuality, religion, and mental illness, but one of the other lessons he learns - one of the strongest, in my opinion, in how it’s developed in the narrative - is pretty simple: Reaching out to your friends is one of the best resources for help you can get. Imagine if Isak had happened to talk to Magnus much earlier about his mom. Imagine if Magnus had mentioned his mom had bipolar disorder, so that when Even turned out to be bipolar, Isak wasn’t so in the dark about the disorder. I mean, maybe Isak wasn’t at the stage of development where he could accept this kind of message, but still! Magnus wasn’t someone he was super close to like Jonas, but Isak has appeared to know him and hang out with him from like … S1 or S2, actually, and they’re been hanging out regularly for a few months now.I’m not saying everything would have been okay if Isak had been aware of Magnus’ mom earlier, I don’t think it’s that easy, but Isak has been holding back and repressing himself so much, and this knowledge may have helped out his knowledge of both his mother’s and Even’s conditions. It’s when Isak shares his problems with his friends that he can get advice like this.
Isak is so taken aback by this information. Magnus also has a crazy mother?? (Again … all this time, Magnus has had a crazy mother? Magnus has known someone with bipolar disorder? And it wasn’t this huge dramatic thing that Isak would have known about because of the pain and sorrow and stress it caused Magnus? It was just flying under the radar this whole time?)
“She’s not crazy, she’s bipolar.” AHHHHH, MAGNUS. That line is so simple but so important. Magnus treats his mother’s mental illness as a factual condition rather than an area for judgment.
Isak’s interest is piqued. Magnus: not only good for weird hookup anecdotes and BDSM dreams.
He wants to know what Magnus’ mom is like. Magnus is like, my mom is AWESOME. (There’s a text message from one of the previous episodes, I think it’s episode 5, where he does mention his mom with like, heart emojis).
A really great detail is that Isak has met Magnus’ mom. That’s something that really confounds Isak, because evidently this women seemed normal. She didn’t give off vibes that she was craaaaaazy. She was just Magnus’ mom. Isak is flabbergasted that she was normal - she’s normal but also has bipolar? Does’t compute.
And I mean, I think it is important to note that Isak’s mom seems to have more drastic symptoms of mental illness, and maybe doesn’t come across as “normal” with how she talks or at least with what she’s saying. And Isak just experienced Even’s mania by seeing him ramble nonsensically and walk out in public naked in the middle of the night. Isak’s experience with mentally ill people, that we know of, has involved them acting in more extreme ways - and I think that hotel incident is contorting a lot of Even’s actions in his mind, and Isak is forgetting that Even was “normal” most of the time, too.
When Isak says Even is bipolar, Magnus just nods, like it’s no big deal. Because to him, it isn’t! It’s something that’s an everyday fact of life, having a loved one with bipolar disorder.
Isak mentions that Even went out naked in the middle of the night, and Magnus’ response was to laugh.
I remember when this season was airing, around this episode there were a lot of like ... Skam antis cropping up in response to the show’s sudden popularity and hype - and obviously no one has to like the show, but frankly a lot of the backlash was coming from people pissed that this thing they didn’t care about was suddenly everywhere, or that their own fave TV show wasn’t getting as much attention (or GOD FORBID, had to share the attention with a new, shiny show). And I remember some cries of ableism around this time because of some of the mental illness discussion, a lot of which I thought was purposefully misinterpreting the story for Woke points. Stuff like Sonja’s speech in the hotel scene was ableist (yeah … it was. That was the whole point,and it was specifically refuted within the narrative) or that Even’s text message was ableist because it was him groveling to Isak for forgiveness and that he apologized for being mentally ill (no, he didn’t, and in any case it was the text of a suicidal person, not something we’re supposed to take as right and justified). One part that also had people upset was that Magnus is dismissive of Even walking out naked because he thinks it’s funny and like … okay, I can get why people would find that dismissive, although Isak himself is like “It’s not funny” so I’m not sure why that context is ignored. Like, the thing is that we as audience members saw the hotel scene from Isak’s POV, and it was this horrible, shocking thing. We were worried about Even’s well-being, we were worried about Isak’s reaction.
But for Magnus, who sees bipolar as a normal, everyday fact of life, it’s a funny anecdote! And I mean, I’m on Isak’s side because that is a holy-shit kind of incident. I absolutely do not blame him for not being amused when Magnus starts laughing, because it was a traumatic and potentially dangerous thing. But I don’t think Magnus is an awful guy for hearing a brief summary of what happened and laughing. He’s coming from the perspective where he’s dealt with these kind of incidents and he survived, his mom survived, and they probably laugh about them later. Magnus shares an equally outlandish story about his mom sending in a resignation letter for the regional director of the railway, and he can laugh about it. Maybe at the time it was stressful and caused problems, but in retrospect it’s funny.
(Also, Magnus reacts differently from Jonas - Jonas was like What??? Because in his mind, it is a wild thing. Magnus laughs because he’s used to stuff like this, apparently.)
Magnus asks where Even is, Isak says at home, and Magnus clarifies that he means mentally, not physically. I LOVE that little moment, that Magnus’ instinct is to ask how Even is doing mentally. I think it says a lot about his experience level, that he knows how these manic/depressive episodes go.
Isak says he hasn’t talked to Even because it’s all been bullshit from his side, and you can see Magnus be like, “...what? I saw him giving you those heart eyes in the hallway, man, I don’t buy this for a second.”
I love Magnus just saying what we were all thinking at this point. Watching in real time, we were so desperate for someone to just sit down Isak and explain to him that Sonja was wrong and Even loved him and his feelings were real, and here’s Magnus being our unexpected savior.
Magnus is so confused, because these things are so obvious to him that are not obvious to Isak. Isak has been with Even a while and he hasn’t been manic the whole time, so why would his feelings not be real? When Magnus’ mom is manic, it’s like he can’t reach her. Sort of like Isak not being able to reach Even in the hotel room, when they were eating burgers and Even’s speech had clearly gone farther than Isak could get to him. But Isak has been able to reach and connect with Even plenty of times before that.
Isak says that Sonja said he had been manic the whole time. Magnus asks who’s Sonja? Isak: “His ex.” MAGNUS’ FUCKING FACE. Like, oh, Isak. You are dumb. You are really dumb.
And they call Magnus a doofus, when here’s Isak believing everything his boyfriend’s ex told him.
Lmao, I love that a lot of this scene is Magnus speaking from experience as someone with a bipolar loved one, and then this part is like … just plain relationship common sense that even someone with as little game as Magnus can understand. You don’t just buy everything your boyfriend’s ex is selling. Are you really going to trust his ex telling you he doesn’t have feelings for you?
“Wow! Wowwww.” That’s one of the best deliveries on the show, and we don’t even see David’s face.
Also, props to David for this scene. He gets to show off Magnus’ hidden depths, obviously, and he plays it so naturally and is such a funny voice of reason that again, I can totally roll with this late development. I like this inclusion of Magnus’ mom because it does give depth to a character who had previously been the goofball friend.
What would a Magnus season have been like? Would we have met his mom? It doesn’t sound like there would be a lot of ~drama to mine from that relationship, but it would have been nice to see.
Magnus tells Isak just to talk to Even, he isn’t brain dead just because he had a manic episode (excellent job, Magnus) and says to talk to him when he’s calmed down. Jonas says what we’re all thinking, that Magnus is pretty cool. Magnus: You’re just realizing that now? But he also says that Jonas is pretty cool, too, which is just fucking adorable.
Meanwhile, Isak has this tiny, tiny smile break his tired expression, like he has gotten just a sliver of hope from this conversation. This whole clip has been him getting his world turned upside down, all his preconceived notions about mental illness being turned on their heads, getting some sense knocked into him. It’s beautiful.
Clip 3 - Twisting the knife, thanks Julie
Oh Jesus. I believe this scene was submitted to Gullruten for Tarjei’s acting nomination, and you can easily see why. He’s acting off basically nothing, just him and a phone, a voice on the other line, and yet he manages to do so much.
I’m going to link @toneelspeler’s post about Tarjei’s acting in this scene, because she’s the acting expert and says it way better than I ever could. Give it a read (and check out her other acting posts!)
Isak studies his phone, preparing to call Even. (Even Kosegruppa, may it forever be that way. May Isak and Even both take that as their name upon their marriage. Or Even Kosegruppa and Isak Mannenimittliv.)
Isak stresses about calling. He just stands there for a moment, clutching his phone to his chest as he mentally prepares himself to call. He wears a shirt with “The Scream” by Edvard Munch on it. Edvard Munch was a Norwegian painter who is widely believed to have suffered from bipolar disorder, and “The Scream” was inspired by a hallucination he had. It’s a small detail, but a clever one.
He finally calls Even and you can see the debate still raging inside him as the phone rings, wondering what he’s going to say, how he’s going to deal with this. But then when it goes to voicemail, you can see he’s somewhat conflicted. On the one hand, he doesn’t know what he’ll say to Even, he doesn’t know what he’ll hear or how the conversation will go, but he always wants to hear Even’s voice again, he wants to speak with him. It’s disappointing because he misses Even. Also, if Even isn’t answering, then that might not mean anything good. It might mean Even has slid into a depressive episode.
Someone does call back, but it’s not Even, it’s Pappa. And you can tell Isak doesn’t really want to have a conversation with him at that moment, and that he’s weighing whether to answer, but he does anyway. Which I think is because he’s decided it’s better to face his problems head on, maybe, and because he knows he can’t put off a talk with his dad forever. Or maybe he’s just like, well… how much worse could it get?
Isak’s dad over the phone seems kind of falsely jovial. Or maybe not false, but like he’s consciously trying to inject some levity and pleasantness into this conversation that he knows probably isn’t going to be very warm. If you want to think more positively about Isak’s dad, maybe he’s trying for warmth because his son did just come out to him the last time they spoke, and he wants him to know that he is okay with it. The fact that he brings up Isak’s boyfriend on his own suggests to me that he wants to talk about it.
Isak just sounds tired, of course. Not really in the mood to talk, just giving short answers and getting the necessary info.
The camera cuts from the wider shot of Isak in his room, visible from the waist up, to just Isak’s face after Pappa mentions the boyfriend. Because of course that’s the jolt for Isak, a shift in the mood of the conversation, and visually the cut signifies that. It also gives up a closeup of Isak’s face not just so we can appreciate Tarjei’s acting, but see this very bare, raw moment from him, with nothing else in the way.
That blank reaction and pause from Isak at first, and then going into saying it was just a joke. Maybe because he just doesn’t want to get into the topic right now and it’s the fastest way to shut it down. Maybe a reflex left from when Isak wanted not to seem gay. Maybe because he still isn’t sure that Even’s feelings are real and that it wasn’t a joke. Maybe because it’s easier to say it was never real than to acknowledge that all that Isak has lost if it were real.
Isak’s dad doesn’t really know how to react to that. Like, Pappa Valtersen is not the best dude, but I think he probably knows enough about his son, or at least about parenting, or human emotion, to suspect that Isak is perhaps lying about it being a joke but knowing not to push it at this point. Either that, or he’s taken aback that Isak apparently opened up to him about something in his life, however flippantly, but it turned out to not be real.
Pappa turns the subject back to the concert, saying he’s looking forward to seeing Isak and his mom. I think from the second Isak said his relationship with Even was a joke, he has been regretting it, or turning over whether to tell the truth, until finally he needs to take back his comment. Tarjei’s acting with his eyes is so good here! Isak needs to say it wasn’t a joke, because he can’t dismiss the weight of what he and Even had. It wasn’t a joke to him. And now he’s heard from Magnus that it probably wasn’t a joke to Even, either. Isak can’t throw away this relationship and say it was nothing.
“It wasn’t a joke. It’s just over.” Ouch. You know, I’ve always wondered why Isak says it was over here, when he was just calling Even, and when afterwards he sends him a text? It feels as if Isak is trying to salvage the relationship from those actions. Maybe this is his worst fear, worsened by Even not answering his phone, that it really is over.
Additionally, though it’s a painful moment, I’m proud of Isak for admitting that it was real and not walking it back - it’s another step in him being comfortably out of the closet, he didn’t take back his coming out to his dad.
Isak’s dad asks whether he’s sad about it - again, Isak’s dad kind of sucks overall, but I kinda feel for him here, like it’s not necessarily the most elegant or sympathetic way of asking, but you can get that he’s fumbling to reach his son.
And of course Isak sheds that single tear just as he denies that he’s sad about it. Oh, baby.
Oh man, the way once that first tear falls, the sadness and emotion just starts to escalate, and you can see Isak racing to end the phone call, because in a second it’s going to be too much. And once the call is finished, he has to wipe his face and compose himself, his breath coming shakily, because he’s overwhelmed with all the emotions.
Lmao, I remember that watching in real time, this was the equivalent of Julie kicking us while we were down. Just what we needed: another clip of Isak crying to himself, yayyyyy.
Anyway. Bravo, Tarjei. Some of that was clearly one take, and he managed a wonderful emotional transformation. He doesn’t overact, he doesn’t underact. He gives you exactly as much as you need to understand Isak’s state of being, and to leave us on a bleak but open-ended note before the Friday clip we knew was going to make or break Evak. Even if you thought a happy ending was coming based on Skam’s idealistic nature, it was easy to put yourself in Isak’s shoes and feel the uncertainty if things would turn out okay.
Clip 4 - O Helga Night
So here we are. I’m not even sure where to begin. There’s so much to say about this clip that I really think I might forget something, and two days after posting this I’ll have a 3 AM epiphany about something that wasn’t mentioned. I apologize if I leave out a big part of the clip’s significance or symbolism. But that’s a testament to how incredible the scene is, that there are so many layers.
I’ll start with this: This scene works brilliantly on all levels. It works as an individual scene; I’ve seen several Tumblr posts with the video of this clip that have garnered thousands of notes and lots of comments like “I’ve never seen this show, but this is beautiful” or “I don’t even know what this is and I’m crying???” It works even better as a climax to the entire season, tying together multiple threads and themes, incorporating several types of symbolism that have developed throughout the story, and involving several areas of growth from Isak’s arc that demonstrate what he has learned over the last few months. It works on an acting level. On a writing level. On a directing level. The music works. The editing works. It works as a romantic scene and as a spiritual scene and as an inspirational scene. We start to cry because we are worried when Isak gets that text message, and we remain crying long after the scene ends not because we are sad, but because we have seen a moment of unparalleled tenderness. There aren’t a lot of series or films that I can point to where the tears feel so earned; not mechanically drawn up by routine tearjerker dialogue and events,but created naturally because this is the point the story has been building to all along. There aren’t a lot of canons I can point to that can pull off a scene like this and have it come from such a genuine, profound place.
Also, if you were in the fandom and diligently waiting for that Friday’s clip, you probably remember that NRK originally reported this episode as being like 40+ minutes long, which would have meant a giant Fredag clip. Then shortly before the clip dropped, the episode length was changed to 18 minutes, which had everyone going WTF and wondering how they could possibly fix Isak and Even in that amount of time. After the clip aired, I don’t think anyone was complaining.
Let’s see if I can write about this scene without sobbing.
Prior to this clip, Isak’s mom sends him a text message saying that this is the church where Isak was baptized, adding another element of rebirth to the story.
In the full episode, this scene doesn’t have the usual timestamp indicating when the clip is happening, probably because the scene is just too pretty to have that plastered over it, and like … fair.
From the second I pressed play on this clip for the first time, right after it was uploaded to the Skam website, I knew it was going to be special. Look at how gorgeous the opening shot is. We see the wide shot of inside the church, the neon blue cross, the two people gathering in front. I love that there is a moment of silence, just before the organ starts where there are just some hushed sounds, whispering, maybe. It gives you chills before the music even begins.
I love that we start at the back and the camera slowly moves up the aisle, because we are with Isak, literally in step with him as he advances toward his parents. This is a tremendous moment by itself for Isak, who has no idea that he’s about to get a text from Even; he only thinks that he’s going to be facing his parents after a long time. I don’t think he’s seen them in months. You can see the trepidation on his face. I don’t think it’s dread, I don’t think it’s like he doesn’t want to be there, it’s just that he knows there’s so much going on in his family dynamic and there’s a lot to deal with. And Isak isn’t the same person as when he last saw them! He’s grown a lot, he’s changed, he’s come out to them, he knows that he doesn’t have the ideal relationship with either of them.
He’s a little unsure when he greets them. Not unhappy, just unsure, a little awkward. He hugs his mom and his dad and of course we don’t see their faces, which is probably for the best - it would have been a distraction and interrupted the flow of the scene.
I think he relaxes a bit when he sees that okay, he met with his parents and the world didn’t explode, they’re going to get on with this concert. It’s fine. It’s a lot, but he’s fine. (Tarjei’s face!)
Isak gets the text notification and pulls out his phone. We then get this incredibly powerful text message that tears our hearts to shreds. So much to say about this message.
Now, when I watched this clip for the first time, I was sitting there refreshing the Skam website, and so I watched it without subtitles. Obviously I didn’t know exactly what it said, although it was clearly from Even, and there were several phrases that jumped out at me: 21:21, bipolar. I knew what “Elsker deg” was because the Skam fandom was making plenty of posts about how to say “I love you” in Norwegian in the hopes that Isak and Even would say it. So this was definitely a bit of relief at first glance. And I mean, hey, it was Even, finally breaking the silence after almost a week! We were so worried about Even, but he wrote something to Isak, yay!
I realized it was a suicide note not based on the words of the note itself, but from Isak’s flashbacks during Nils Bech’s singing. The R+J reference with the neon cross, scenes I recognized as Even talking about death or tragedy, a Wiki article about depression. The whole season was hinting at something to do with suicide, so I was primed for it, and I figured Even was suicidal from those images, plus Isak’s reaction afterwards. I mean, he was running out of the church, I don’t think he would have done that without good reason.
That being said, when the subtitles were released, the text immediately pinged me as a suicide note. It might not read to everyone as a suicide note, for reasons I understand (because it doesn’t read that way to Isak at first, either) but it did for me, for a pretty obvious and personal reason: I have written a suicide note. More than once. At a couple of dark times in my life, I sat down and tried to write my final thoughts in this world to my loved ones. I found it really hard, because there was an infinite amount of things I wanted to say, but my suicide notes were full of comments similar to Even’s. Lots and lots of apologies to the people I thought I had wronged. Mentions of things that I thought were significant to them, places and experiences that we had shared. Pessimistic statements like how I was alone, it was never going to change. Asking them to remember the good times or the positive aspects of our lives together. Saying I loved them. The whole thing rang so uncomfortably familiar that it was impossible for me personally not to see the signs of Even saying goodbye.
Let’s take Even’s text message line by line, for the most part:
Dear Isak - This is a very formal way to begin, like an actual letter Even has prepared, not just a casual text message. It sounds like he has written out this message beforehand and given it a lot of thought.
I’m sitting where we met for the first time and I’m thinking about you. - First of all, my fucking heart. Just picture Even sitting in the bathroom for God knows how long and thinking about Isak. Like this damn school bathroom holds such sentimental value to him because it was where he first met Isak, the man of his dreams. The first place he spoke to this guy he’d been pining for from afar for months. A guy who turned out to be even better than Even expected. Even is thinking about Isak. He’s about to end his life and he’s thinking about Isak, wistfully. Returning to sentimental or nostalgic places is unfortunately pretty common for suicidal people. It’s a way of saying goodbye. So that’s another tip-off of Even’s mindset.
It’s soon 21:21 - I’ll get into the 21:21 significance to this clip in a little bit, but let’s just acknowledge again that Even treasures everything he shares with Isak. Isak and Even ran off at 21:21, now 21:21 is theirs. (I know Julie included more 21:21 stuff in her scripts for S3 that we could discuss, but I want to focus on stuff that is in the show itself now.)
I want to say a thousand things to you. - This line might go a little under-looked, in my opinion, and I get why because it’s not as Evak-specific like some of the others with their 21:21 and parallel universe mentions, but honestly, it gets me right in the gut? It just conveys the enormity of Even’s feelings for Isak and all that he wants to share with him. All that he never thinks he will get the chance to do.
I’m sorry for scaring you. - This refers to the hotel scene, obviously, and a large part of me wants to be like, “Noooo, Even, don’t apologize for that.” The way Even apologizes for so much feels like it’s another factor of his suicidal mindset - he wants to make amends with Isak before it’s over, and he also just feels terrible about himself and what he’s done to someone he loves.
I’m sorry for hurting you. - This is probably not just in reference to the hotel scene and the aftermath but every part of their relationship where Even thinks he may have hurt Isak. Breaking things off with him in episode 5 without explaining why, running hot and cold on him or going back and forth between Isak and Sonja. Though I do think that Even thinks he really hurt Isak with the hotel incident, too, especially if he has an idea of what Sonja said to him. Even thinks his mental illness hurts people around him by default.
I’m sorry for not telling you that I’m bipolar. - To clarify, not that he is sorry for being bipolar (although I think Even has plenty of negative thoughts about that) but sorry that he didn’t tell Isak. I don’t think this is something we’re supposed to judge Even for, by the way, or think is justified - he is suicidal and he blames himself for all that went wrong. It’s his call when to disclose his mental illness, but because he didn’t tell Isak, the hotel getaway went awry, and so he feels guilty for that.
I was afraid of losing you. - AHHHHH. This line hurts so much. To have it put so plainly and vulnerably what we suspected previously - that Even was hiding his mental illness from Isak out of fear of rejection - breaks my heart. It was the worst thing to Even, the thought of losing Isak.
Had forgotten that it’s not possible to lose someone, that all people are alone anyway. - This is when the note takes a dark turn, really. The lines before that give off some warning vibes but could be assumed as an apology text. This is when it really becomes clear that Even is in a bad place mentally. It sounds so fatalistic - Even was worried about Isak when he shouldn’t have wasted the effort, because he could never have Isak, anyway. That he was always alone. That his relationship was Isak was destined to end in disaster. Like the brief period of happiness they had together was never meant to last. Even doesn’t have anyone, he can’t have Isak, he’s alone with his thoughts. And as he told us in episode 5, he only way to escape is death.
In another place in the universe we are together forever, remember that. - Another line that set off warning bells for me. Asking Isak to “remember that” - why does Isak need to remember if things will turn out okay with him and Even? Shouldn’t he just know that? Saying that it’s another place in the universe that they’re together forever - why another place? Why not this one where they can be together? It’s lovely and romantic that he imagines them together forever, but alarming that it has to be a different world then theirs.
Love you. Even - The first time we hear Even (or either of them) say I love you, and it’s beautiful, we all know they love each other, but consider that Even is saying this now, in this text, because he thinks it’s the last opportunity for him to say it.
Skam didn’t do a lot of big dramatic speeches with Evak. We got some with Jonas and Eva (for example, after she kisses P-Chris or in the skate park or in the S1 finale) and some with Noora and William (Noora talking to William before he leaves for London) but a lot of the dialogue between Isak and Even is more on the sparse, understated side, in my opinion. That doesn’t make it any less meaningful, it’s just that Julie tended to pack a lot of meaning in one or two lines rather than a whole paragraph. There are worlds of feeling in the short, simple lines between Isak and Even ( “Can I stay in here with you forever?”/”You can” for instance). It’s really effective for me especially because Isak is not a very verbose person and Even often communicates in gestures, drawings, or song lyrics to illustrate his feelings.
This text is one of the closet things we get to a big dramatic speech, and it’s a text message, not a verbal monologue. Even, who has been the mysterious new boy for much of this season, leaving us constantly guessing as to his motivations and secrets, has finally laid himself bare, exposed his feelings in detail. Except for one little thing, which is that he plans to end his life.
Isak doesn’t realize the nature of the the note at first. I don’t blame him. The text is worded ambiguously enough that it’s easy to miss, and we know Isak doesn’t have suicidal or depressive thoughts like Even (remember, he flat out doesn’t get what Even is saying in the cuddle scene and calls Even’s POV dark) so he’s not drawing from his own experiences. A ton of viewers didn’t recognize that it’s a suicide note at first, and no shame in that.
I think Isak is just overwhelmed by the fact that Even has finally contacted him again and Even is telling him all this heavy romantic stuff. I’m thinking about you, we’re together forever, etc. I mean, Even tells Isak he loves him for the first time! You can imagine that the “Elsker deg” overshadows anything else at first. Even does love him, Even’s feelings were not fake. What Isak and Even had was real. Isak must feel relieved and overjoyed; a small smile spreads on his face as he reads the text and Nils Bech starts singing O Helga Natt.
So now we’ve got Nils singing, and it’s really cool how involved he was in this season! His song “Waiting” was in the S3 trailer, “That Girl” was in episode 2 as the closing song, and now he’s got the climactic music for Isak’s story. In fact, I believe this scene was written with Nils’ singing in mind. He is also, just to reiterate, the “Bech” in Even Bech Næsheim. It’s awesome that they used the music of a real-life gay man so heavily in a season about a gay kid.
Not gonna lie, my eyes can never stray from his pants. Also, his orchestra appears to be all women, which is neat! And of course we have that giant neon cross just hanging out being him, resembling the one from Romeo + Juliet.
To discuss the choice of song a little bit, not to be mega obvious, but … O Helga Natt is a Christmas song, and this clip starts at a Christmas concert. Christmas - again, not to be massively fucking obvious - is a holiday celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. So it’s another clear birth/rebirth reference. O Helga Natt refers to the holy night Jesus was born; “O Helga Natt” as a clip refers to this night of rebirth for Isak.
I want to tread carefully because I don’t speak the language, but some of the lyrics of O Helga Natt line up with certain actions in the clip. Norwegians/Swedes (because the song is in Swedish), feel free to correct me if I make a mistake. I’m going off a translation of the lyrics.
For one example, Isak realizes Even’s text is a suicide note after the lyrics are something like “for us he suffered the pain of death.” It’s not right on that lyric, so maybe a reach, but I think it’s worth mentioning. After all, the references to death were included throughout the season as clues to Even’s state of mind.
Isak is watching this performance and everything is normal until Nils looks into the camera, effectively making eye contact with Isak. Which, from an in-universe perspective, is perhaps coincidence, but it’s that shift that signifies Isak’s transition from just watching this concert to making the connection to the text message from Even. I mean Nils might as well be Isak’s guardian angel telling him to haul ass out of there.
It’s pretty subtly acted and effectively directed. Isak is just watching Nils and then he blinks and his gaze shifts from Nils to the neon cross. We get a very, very quick montage of flashbacks, from Isak and Even lying in bed during the cuddle scene, Juliet lying on her deathbed, Even in the Mikael video. Cut to Isak making the connection, it’s written on his face. Cut to another quick montage: the Mikael video again, Even’s note with “I don’t sleep cuz sleep is the cousin to death,” Even lying in bed at the hotel, the Wiki article about bipolar disorder (specifically the lines about depression). These are rapid fire images, and honestly the impact of some of them really depend on your memory of this season, if you have been filing away the clues episode by episode. They’re all moments linked to depression or death. The Romeo + Juliet suicide, Even lying in bed telling Isak the only way to escape your thoughts is to die. Even saying an epic love story has to end with death. Even mentioning song lyrics about death. Even saying that the only way to have something forever is to lose it. I think this was really rewarding if you were watching in real time and making note of these recurring hints, because this was quite literally the payoff for noticing. All those moments were presented in this montage that flashes by in like a second or two.
Isak puts the pieces together. Man, imagine if he hadn’t seen Romeo + Juliet and that neon cross didn’t trigger any associations in his head? Would he have realized and made it in time? In-universe, it’s a good thing Isak decided to stalk Even on Google and watch that video so many times it aroused his curiosity about Even’s favorite director. And that he went for R+J instead of like, The Great Gatsby (Nils would needed a random green light instead of a neon cross).
Isak’s look of realization is really well acted. It’s not too obvious or overplayed, it’s just this dawning sense of placing Even’s text in a different light. He pulls out his phone and we see the text message again, so we can contextualize it with that talk of dying and depression. We can see what might be romantic imagery and sentiment, a love confession, start to seem like a goodbye.
Isak doesn’t waste any time, he gets up from the pew and walks out of the church. I wonder what his parents thought? Like he probably texted them afterwards that it was an emergency, but damn, their son just up and left. They thought he was going to the bathroom or something and he just peaced out for the evening.
Notably, in Romeo + Juliet we have Romeo going toward the altar, toward his doom. In Skam, Isak turns away from the altar, rejecting this fate.
We get one last shot of Nils singing before we take a break from his angelic voice, and then we get another montage. This fucking montage. This is what made me start to cry the first time I saw this scene. Christ, okay. I’m going to try to type through misty eyes. There’s a lot going on here so hopefully I don’t miss anything.
The first time I watched this montage, I was such a wreck. I was sobbing, and while up to this point I was very convinced Julie was not going to kill off either Isak or Even, and that they would get a happy ending, this montage managed to make me doubt. While it was playing and Isak was running, I really genuinely feared that Isak would get to Even but like, there would be an ambulance and paramedics would be wheeling out a body bag on a gurney. And in that brief moment I felt with such conviction that my heart was going to be absolutely broken if Even was dead. I was going to feel such a sense of anger and betrayal that I had gotten sucked into this story and it hurt me that much. I legit did not know how I would deal if Even died. I mean, I thought I would function as a human being, but I was like … I will never be able to trust any canon again if they fuck this up. So thanks for that minute or so of sheer terror, Julie Andem.
The montage runs chronologically backwards. It starts from the most recent time Isak and Even were together, this moment of perfect unity and happiness where they kissed in the elevator, and travels back through the big moments of their relationship: Isak and Even reuniting and having sex for the first time in episode 7; Isak and Even kissing and affirming their feelings and seemingly about to enter a relationship in episode 5; earlier that episode when Isak and Even lay in bed kissing, tucked away from the world; bursting out of the pool kissing in episode 4, then Isak kissing Even for the first time underwater; Isak and Even locking eyes across the room while kissing girls in episode 3; Even looking at Isak in the windowsill in episode 2. Then Isak approaching Even on the bench in episode 1 for their first real conversation,and finally, Even in the bathroom, “meeting” Isak.
It runs backwards for two main reasons. First, Even has told Isak that he is in the place where they first met, and the montage is a visual countdown where we go back, step by step, to that place. It indicates why Isak is running and where, just in case you missed it. We travel back through their relationship as Isak travels back quite literally to the beginning.
Second, symbolically, this is part of the rebirth metaphor. If the pool scene is the spiritual rebirth of Isak as he accepts his sexuality and begins to live as a more authentic version of himself - including as a gay man - then the church scene stands out to me as the rebirth of Isak and Even as a relationship. We go back to the beginning of Isak and Even so they can be “born” again, this time with their big secrets and insecurities exposed between them so they can be together honestly. Additionally, it is another form of rebirth for Isak as a person. This scene combines the various threads of the season and the lessons he has learned. I wouldn’t say this scene is a test, but it’s a demonstration of how Isak has grown as a character - can you imagine the fuckboy Isak of the season premiere in this situation? It’s a rebirth of Isak into the person he’s meant to be.
The montage also serves the purpose of absolutely fucking you up by making you remember these glorious, beautiful moments with this amazing fictional couple that you have been getting to know over the past few months/weeks/hours. You really feel the scope of Evak, the depth of the feelings there in the development. And no doubt this is what Isak is also remembering: all that he and Even have gone through up to this point. All the wonderful times. Everything he has to lose. He is incredibly in love with Even and at this moment he is so fearful he might not reach him in time.
We see him Isak running through the streets of Oslo and I doubt he stopped to take a bus or whatever, he just had to keep moving, it didn’t matter. Isak finally arrives at the school and comes into the courtyard, out of breath and petrified. We see the flashback of Even and Isak meeting on the bench, because that’s probably what Isak thought of where they met - it’s where they had their first actual conversation, where Isak learned Even’s name, etc. In the present, Isak sees that damn bench and it’s empty. No one is there. Isak and the audience feel our stomachs sink into the ground. You know he’s thinking he’s too late.
But then - one last flashback clip as Isak realizes maybe Even didn’t mean the bench. We again see Even being a charming weirdo at Isak in the bathroom, inside the school. It’s like a life preserver. A moment of hope. Is that what Even meant by the place they met? Because, of course, it’s where they technically met even if they didn’t really talk inside of it. (And because Even is a sentimental weirdo who would hang out in the bathroom just because he met Isak there.)
We see Isak turn toward the school, and hallelujah, just as Nils starts singing again, Even comes out of the school. THANK GOD. Everyone in the whole world collapses in relief. Isak is not too late, Even is alive, Even is here. Even doesn’t look particularly well - he’s all bundled up in a hoodie, like he wants to hide from the world, and you can tell from his body language that he feels done with it all - he’s slumped over and not full of energy. But he’s still here.
Even sees Isak and stops in his tracks. He just freezes. The look on his face is pure shock. He did not think he would be seeing Isak. He didn’t think Isak would come for him - Isak has been thinking for days that their relationship might be over, but at the same time, Even was also thinking it was over. And maybe it’s just such a big moment crashing through his wall of sadness, that Isak is there with him now, that he can’t even move. How do you cope when the person you most want to see but thought you’d never see again is suddenly right in front of you? That Isak read his message and ran to their special place, where Even said he was?
Isak looks back at Even and of course goes to him. They walk toward each other and the shot is absolutely beautiful, it’s dark but the light is warm. How lovely is it that they walk toward each other? And slowly, too, not running into each other’s arms. The emotions, the relief, the love, they’re just too big, and these boys are so vulnerable right now (especially Even) that they need to take it slow. Isak doesn’t overwhelm Even, he approaches him carefully.
Their faces as they approach each other, damn. Especially Even’s, because again, he is completely thrown by this moment. He can’t believe it. And I bet you anything he is scared, and nervous, because this is Isak, beautiful Isak, seeing him for the first time after learning Even is mentally ill. Isak now knows this truth about Even that Even is ashamed of and tried desperately to keep hidden; Isak, who said he was better off without mentally ill people in his life. Even thought he would lose Isak if Isak learned that Even was bipolar. And yet here is Isak. Even doesn’t know what to expect.
Isak and Even are once again dressed somewhat similarly. They have on a kind of maroon sweater or hoodie, jeans, brown shoes. But the way Even is dressed is very guarded, with his hood up, hair covered by a hat, very closed off from the world, while Isak - who we’ve seen dress like Even before by retreating into his hoodie when he’s at a low point - seems more open in his appearance. His head is entirely uncovered, no hat or hood, and his jacket seems open and unzipped. Because it’s now Isak’s turn to be warm and open, he’s not the one struggling here. In fact his purpose is to bring Even out of that shell and make him feel like he’s not alone.
This scene is one of the big 21:21 moments - because Even brought it up in his text, mentioning it was almost 21:21 (the clip was released at 20:24). Besides Isak’s mom’s text earlier this week, the other big scene I associate with this imagery is of course the clip titled 21:21 (pool scene) and O Helga Natt mirrors the pool scene in its imagery. Like with that scene, you have Even standing still on the left as Isak approaches him from the right, with a bright light between them in the distance. There’s even some rain as a counterpart to the water of the pool, and I don’t know if that is just a happy accident of filming, but it adds to the baptism imagery, the water coming down over them.
In both the pool scene and O Helga Natt, you have Isak approaching Even - you have Isak making the decision to act on his own. He’s being proactive to reach Even. Again, this is a rebirth of the self, his character maturing and growing.
By the way, the image of Isak approaching Even? That shot’s one of my favorites in Skam, ever. It’s so simple but so full of feeling.
This is where I’m not positive about the translation again, and feel free to correct me, but the lyrics of “O Helga Natt” at this point when they’re approaching each other contain “du ser en älskad broder” which I believe to something like “you see a beloved brother.” Seems fitting that this plays when they see a loved one.
While there’s a level of caution, especially from Even’s side, Isak doesn’t pause or hesitate as he approaches Even. When he gets close to him, he just immediately leans in for the life-saving nuzzling to happen.
Many shows would have them fall into each other’s arms or start passionately kissing, or Isak would make a dramatic speech, or there would be a lot of dialogue. Skam goes for such a raw, tender approach that it makes a lump rise in my throat. Isak slowly and carefully rubs Even’s face with his. He makes sure that Even can feel him there, feel his warmth when it’s cold enough to see their breath. It is simply about making Even realize that Isak is present and close to him.
Isak also gets in a nose rub, because that is Isak and Even’s thing, that is their gesture of comfort and affection and love. That is a grounding technique that’s developed between them, without even talking about it.
Also, so often we have seen Even initiate these touches. He’s the more experienced one, the more confident of the two, the more extroverted and less repressed. Isak isn’t totally shy about touching Even, but he has often followed Even’s lead on how to touch him. Now it is Isak’s turn to initiate this physical contact.
Even kind of accepts this face nuzzling but he’s also clearly in disbelief, and he closes his eyes. Like he can’t believe it. But when he closes his eyes, he’s blocking out everything but Isak’s warmth and scent and the feel of him nuzzling his cheek.
That fucking muscle in Henrik’s cheek as Isak nuzzles the side of Even’s face = A+ acting, bury me. (This is so obvious I feel ridiculous saying it, but Tarjei and Henrik act the hell out of this scene.)
There are so many spectacularly gorgeous moments in Skam, that you could single out a number as the most beautiful, but for my money: I don’t think any single image gets me quite as strongly as Isak paused with his cheek to Even’s, and Even deciding to nuzzle Isak’s cheek back, and rubbing his face along Isak’s.
Jesus Christ, that moment. Even has been in disbelief and now he’s accepting the love Isak is offering, he’s settling back into himself. He’s showing that Isak has gotten through to him. What a character moment.
Isak takes Even’s head in his hands after that, because it was the turning point, he knows Even is responsive. They look into each other’s eyes, because Isak needs Even to see him.
“You’re not alone.” The one line of dialogue in the clip.
That is the only line of dialogue you need. Not “I love you” or “I’ll always be there for you” or a long monologue. What Even has been indicating all season, both directly and indirectly, is that he is afraid of being alone, or he is convinced he is alone. He just stated it definitively in his suicidal text message, like that is his final conclusion. Even needs to be reassured otherwise. And Isak has made sure that Even is not alone, he’s run to him, and he’s gotten close to him physically, and he’s going to make sure Even isn’t alone after this, either.
The way Isak says it with such simple assurance, and the way Even has to close his eyes because the feeling is too overwhelming. Ugh, crying now.
If you were in the fandom at the time the season was airing, you may remember that after this clip aired, someone posted a picture they snapped of Tarjei and Henrik filming this scene and standing in each other’s faces. There’s a cut between shots before they kiss, and I’ve always wondered if that was because the person stopped to take the picture at that point, lmao. You can see a car drive by in the background. (Or maybe not, because I remember the picture didn’t have Tarjei cupping Henrik’s face? I’m not sure. Anyway, the person who snapped that pic is blessed for not spoiling the fandom.)
That kiss between them. Isak is firmly cupping Even’s face, not letting him go, but he’s not pushing the kiss. There’s this pause before it happens. Because it’s overwhelming, and because I think Isak wants to make sure Even is comfortable with this kiss, so he’s not going to initiate it. He’s letting Even know that he wants to, but he’s waiting for a signal from Even before they proceed. And it’s when Even indicates that he is on board that they kiss.
This kiss is one of my favorite Evak kisses for the sheer amount of emotion behind it. The feeling that this kiss carries all the weight of the world behind it for these two characters. I adore it.
Also, I love the timing of the music with the editing of the clip? For instance, Nils’ voice during this part with the kiss feels particularly angelic, and then it cuts out and we hear just those strings … it’s so powerful.
You know what else is powerful? How Even breaks off the kiss, because the kiss is so much. It’s completely overwhelming, and a lot to handle for someone who’s in a very fragile state. But I think he also can’t quite believe it, still. He thought everything was over. It isn’t. Isak is here, kissing him, showing that he still wants to be with him. Isak has saved him, like in his dreams.
The lyrics to “O Helga Natt” are about salvation. “O helga natt, du frälsning åt oss gav / Oh holy night, our salvation you gave.” This whole night is about salvation. Isak who had been saved by Even from loneliness and living a fake life now saves Even from being alone and death. That’s where “I’ll save you right back comes in.”
That shot of them looking at each other, before Isak goes in for the hug - breathtaking. Another one of my favorite images in the whole series. They are too far gone for words at that point, and a hug will say everything that is needed, anyway.
And that hug! Of course, the hug. Wow. That the clip ends with Isak clutching Even for dear life, and then we pull back to see that Even is clutching Isak back. Our final image is two boys holding each other in the warm light of the schoolyard. By themselves, but not alone. It is exactly the message we needed: one of unwavering kindness and support. And just like that, Isak and Even’s relationship is reborn, starting over again from the beginning, this time with no secrets between them.
Do you think, when Even saw Isak on the first day of school, that he imagined Isak was capable of running to him and saving him and loving him so thoroughly?
There’s no music during the end credits, because I mean … what are you going to play, even? Just let the viewers cry in peace.
This scene won a Gullruten, for good reason. I know it was because we fervent Skam fans went wild with voting, but come on, it still deserved everything.
Thematically, this clip combines many of the lessons Isak has learned throughout the season:
Isak has learned to accept his sexuality, so he does not hesitate to run to Even because he accepts that Even’s love for him is real and he loves Even. His internalized homophobia doesn’t play a role in this scene. He has grown enough to embrace his love for another boy rather than trying to repress his sexuality.
Isak has learned that he wants to accept mentally ill people in his life. Not only does the scene start with him reuniting with his mom at the concert, but he has educated himself enough to recognize symptoms of depression and suicidal thoughts, and presents himself as fully on board with Even and ready to support him.
Isak has learned to reach out to the people around him for help and to take their advice. Eskild, Sana, Jonas, Magnus … he has a strong support network for himself and he’s learned not to isolate himself. And it’s because Isak has learned not to isolate himself and cut himself off that he is able to extend this lesson to Even. He is able to take the support he’s received and turn it into support given. “You’re not alone” is the lesson Isak has been learning all season.
When I was writing this reaction, I managed to come across in my drafts a post I wrote back in 2016, not long after Skam season 3 aired. I didn’t post it at the time, I guess because I wasn’t as involved in the fandom and the draft felt pretty personal and overly earnest, and I never posted it probably because I just forgot about it. It was by accident that I found it now. However, I want to include what I wrote then, back when S3 was still new, because not only does it explains how this clip pays off the 21:21/rebirth symbolism and the R+J references, but I’m not sure I could say it any better now than I did then about the outstanding relief of this clip:
it’s kind of incredible how during s3 there was always this low-level prickle of dread, especially watching in real time, because the possibility of suicide was always there, starting from 3.02, when Even says that the main characters in a love story have to die for it to be epic. there were the blatant references to Romeo + Juliet, a well as Even’s recurring comments about death (“the brain is alone” in the bed scene, “Did you think I’d died?” in the pool, “I don’t sleep ‘cuz sleep is the cousin of death”) which were this dark cloud over even the happier moments. after the locker room scene, when people really began to hypothesize Even was mentally ill/depressed, it seemed inevitable from all the clues that the story was pointing at a future suicide or an attempt, and that informed the ongoing audience reaction. whenever Even was absent from the clips for a while or didn’t reply to a text, I would see speculation and worry that he had killed himself. and it wasn’t just with Even, either - remember when Linn’s sleeping pills were mentioned during that miserable week of episode 6, people were freaking out that Isak was going to steal her pills and OD. because there were all these thematic hints that you couldn’t get away from, that left a sick feeling in your gut even when Even and Isak were kissing in a pool or cuddling in bed.
and yeah, some of it probably was because we are so used to seeing stories like this where the lovers do die, that Even’s remark about love stories needing to be tragic to be epic seems like a common enough sentiment. especially stories where gay couples or mentally ill people need to die for it be Meaningful and Deep. we’ve seen plenty of those. it says something that even after Skam had built up enough goodwill in me that I trusted the show to know better than to pull some Bury Your Gays BS, or to kill off a mentally ill kid after taking the time to stress how people with mental illnesses can lead normal lives, I was still crying and yelling at my laptop the first time I saw Isak running from the church, because I was terrified of what he would find.that I could not turn off the part of my brain that said suicide was a very real option and the inevitable conclusion of this storyline.
and then, instead of a story about suicide, we got a story about rebirth
the biblical references have already been pointed out many times (Genesis 21/the birth of Isaac/21:21, baptism/the pool/the rain, the God costume, the Christmas concert/O Helga Natt/birth of Jesus) as well as the ultimate subversion of the R+J suicide (Isak turning away from the church altar rather than going toward it).
I think part of the reason why the O Helga Natt clip struck viewers so profoundly is that the show finally acted on this underlying thread that had caused us so much fear and dread day by day with every ominous comment about death or unanswered text message or shout-out to a sad movie. it finally and explicitly put the pieces together with that quick montage of Isak in the church where he realizes all the hints that had been haunting us for months, it finally got us to the place where we could acknowledge that yes, Even is depressed and suicide is a real possibility
and then it washed away our fears by rejecting this ending as inevitable or showing us the “epic” love story ending in tragedy. instead it showed two people who don’t die, but go back to the beginning (quite literally). we already have the “rebirth” of Isak in the pool, as he begins to accept this huge part of himself that he had denied and start moving toward a better, happier, more authentic version of himself. and now there is another. because of their unconditional love and acceptance, they get a chance to start again. a spiritual and personal rebirth.
Skam played me like a piano and I genuinely feel like a better, more hopeful person for it. thanks, Julie Andem
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I was fucking distraught this week thinking about Even. I get so damn sad thinking about him and what he would have gone through this week. In real time we were all beside ourselves with Even’s absence. We were practically begging for any news of him. But of course Julie held out on us for maximum tension and despair.
Really, though ... my heart breaks thinking about how miserable he must have felt when he realized what had happened in the hotel, and how Isak told him to stop texting. I know Isak had it rough this week, but Even was going through a depressive episode and I don’t think he had the support network Isak did. He has his parents and Sonja, but Sonja was probably not someone he wanted on his side at that point, regardless of her intentions.
I already talked about the Isak and Eskild text post-hotel scene in the last reaction, but I’m going to say again: one of my favorite moments on the show. And while I’m not sure I’d call it a direct parallel to the end of this episode, it is notable that when Isak texts Eskild, Eskild too drops everything to rush to Isak’s aid, just like Isak ends up running to Even. Again, not that Isak isn’t a nice kid on his own, but I think Isak learns from the kindness and support he gets from others during this season so he can ultimately be there for Even.
There’s a Kollektivet text early in the week. They’re out of toilet paper. Why is it always toilet paper they’re out of? Didn’t Eskild win a year’s supply of toilet paper in S2? Is Isak hoarding it all for his bedside?
Linn gets unusually talkative in the text message, describing her previous heartbreak, so she’s clued in enough to know that Isak is going through some shit. She talks about at first she was depressed, but then comes the hate.
Isak says he will never hate Even. I love that line so much. At this point Isak thinks his relationship with Even was fake, that it was all a lie, a result of Even’s mania. And Isak isn’t angry with Even, I think. He doesn’t hate Even for it. He doesn’t blame him. It’s a mark of how much he loves Even and a sign that he understands that Even’s mental condition is not Even’s fault.
There’s a very short biology buddies text, as Isak skips another day of school and Sana prints his homework for him. She asks him if everything is ok - a nice little sign of concern - but he doesn’t reply. Awww. Isak, don’t cut yourself off again.
Isak has several significant texts with Magnus in the middle of the week that add to Magnus’ role as Evak cheerleader and bipolar expert.
Apparently Isak and Magnus both watch Westworld. Narcos, Stranger Things, Westworld … regardless of your opinions on those shows, those aren’t trash TV, those are pretty well-regarded series. I’ve mentioned it previously but I’m firmly against Isak’s taste in films and TV being super lowbrow.
Isak texted Magnus first, so Isak is learning that Magnus can help him and he should reach out to his friends for advice. Magnus asks about whether Isak has contacted Even, bless him. I bet that was helpful to Isak if it wasn’t sure how to broach the topic to Magnus.
Magnus doesn’t know a lot of specifics about Even’s condition (like how long he will be depressed) because of course everyone is different, people’s conditions vary based on stuff like whether they’re taking meds. Isak has a lot of questions like whether Even would be hospitalized. Magnus says he’s probably not and encourages Isak to just talk to him. He gives Isak some fake advice about not using words that start with ‘p’, but he’s just messing with Isak, probably because he can tell Isak has a million questions and is worried about the whole thing. And Magnus, of course, has a super chill attitude toward bipolar disorder, this wouldn’t faze him.
After that text, we get the clip where Isak talks to his dad, which is the day after the clip with Magnus explaining bipolar disorder, so Isak waited a day to call Even. I guess he was gathering his courage. (Or they just wanted to show Isak calling him and didn’t want two out of the week’s four clips to air on the same day). After that clip, Isak texts Magnus back, telling him Even hung up on him (did Even actually hang up or did he just not answer?)
Magnus advises Isak to text Even, which Isak does. The text is short, sweet, and polite. Isak says he hopes Even is well. The most important thing, I think, is that Isak tells Even to call him when he feels like it (so on Even’s own terms) and sends a heart emoji, which they’d exchanged before in their episode 8 text messages, when they were together and all lovey-dovey. So he’s letting Even know that he cares, he wants to hear from Even. A turnaround from the previous text to Even, which was “stop texting me.” But I think Even is so depressed though that this sweet text message can’t get through to him. He probably still focuses on that “stop texting me.” Maybe he’s afraid of what Isak will say. Or he just thinks Isak is better off without him, or he lacks the energy to talk to him.
There’s a fair amount of time between the first Magnus-Isak text and the clip, then to the second text with Magnus, then to the Even text. Especially that last one. I think Isak was really debating what to say and dealing with a lot of nerves (or you know, they wanted to stagger the updates a bit).
I love the Isak and Vilde texts from this week. Not that they’re great or happy to hear, but they’re important to the narrative.
Vilde drops in and is like, “Not to gossip but here’s some gossip.” She heard Even has psychological problems. Not content with just asking Isak whether he is gay, she’s got to get in on that craAAAaazy Even gossip train.
Why did she feel the need to tell Isak this? She said it’s because Isak has a relationship with Even, but … why? Is she that concerned about Even being a psycho? Is she that much of a busybody? Does it make her feel important to have this information and bestow it on Isak? Like … what is she expecting, Isak to go, “Gee, thanks Vilde, I didn’t know that and I’m so glad you told me!” (But I mean, him saying that sincerely, not in a sarcastic way.)
What does knowing her S4 home life say about her sharing this with Isak? Consider that Vilde has, similar to Isak (though she doesn’t know), a parent with mental health issues who seems to have problems with depression or alcoholism. Vilde would no doubt hate for people to go around talking about her secret problems (and it is shown to hurt her in S4) so why doesn’t she bestow the same courtesy to others? I think it is largely about wanting to be important in people’s minds and be in the know about the gossip.
Isak just wants to know where this rumor came from. Vilde says it was someone from Bakka who said Even snapped and wrote crazy stuff on the revue Facebook wall. So just like that, the pertinent parts of Even’s backstory slide into place. The odd details like Even transferring in his last year, repeating a grade, not having social media … this one bit of gossip puts those clues into perspective. I mean, if this was all we had gotten about his past, this would have been enough for me? Of course I would be hungry for more, but this says enough.
I like that this season never actually has a big moment where it’s like “and that’s why Even transferred!” It’s up to the viewers to put the pieces together. And it’s through a text that we get this final piece.
Vilde’s reason for sharing this information is confirmed for me when Isak is just like “OK” and she felt the need to reply, “I just thought you’d want to know,” as if she’s disappointed he didn’t have more of a reaction to her graciously telling him this bit of information. She wants to feel important for having the gossip. Isak is like, why would I need to know that? Vilde says she’d want to know. I’m sure she would, she’s concerned with appearances.
Isak shows a huge moment of maturity, by saying what if Vilde fucked up, would she want people to spread rumors about it a year later?(Another thing that makes me feel terrible for Even - he’s switched schools for a fresh start, but as we see, he can’t totally escape his past.) He tells her to grow up. It’s not very nice, but of course he’s not wrong.
Vilde gets defensive and says there’s no need for him to get mad, she was telling him as a friend. I wonder if Vilde was also sharing the gossip to get some points with her new Gay Best Friend. But I’m very proud of Isak here. Even’s past doesn’t bother him, and in fact he gets mad on behalf of Even. The Isak of early s3? He might have cared about what Vilde has to say. This gossip may have bothered him about Even. This current Isak, though, shows compassion and empathy for Even’s struggle and realizes Even is more than his mental illness.
Like some of this is the crux of Isak’s development - the way he defends Even here and says he won’t hate him in an earlier text, not judging him for his past. Isak doesn’t ask Vilde for more details, there’s no indication he’s disturbed by this information. In fact, it’s possible he’s just slotting into place moments from the past, like why he couldn’t find Even on social media and why Even is the same age as Sonja but she’s graduated and he hasn’t. If anything, I think this information just made him understand Even more rather than turning him off.
Then the next morning, Vilde sends him another text message apologizing and saying it was a jerk move, and Isak says it’s OK. I wonder if Vilde took in Isak’s words - that if she fucked up, would she want people spreading rumors a year later? Not just about her mom and home life, but about what happened with William in S1, if people were still talking about that a year later.
Additionally, probably for the best that she’s on Isak’s good side if she wanted to hook up with Magnus (not like this was a hard feat, though). I don’t think that was the main motivating factor for her apology, I think she sincerely regretted it, but I’m sure the Magnus factor helps.
There’s a late-night text with Jonas, so maybe Isak’s insomnia is back, although Jonas is up at that hour, too, so who knows. Jonas wants to know if Isak’s heard from Even, too, and tells Isak to go to him. Jonas, giving the good advice and supporting his BFF’s happiness as usual.
Isak says Even would have answered his call if he wanted to talk and that he’ll check in over the weekend. Which is both Isak respecting Even’s boundaries, perhaps, and Isak maybe being afraid of pushing things and Even rejecting him.
This time Isak’s “family” event is real! Can’t blame Jonas for his skepticism, though, or his joke about Isak raging against Mahdi.
As mentioned above, Isak’s mom texts him again about looking forward to seeing him in the church where he was baptized. It’s the last text from her of the season, in either social media or a clip, and it would have been nice perhaps to get another in the final week, but I’m fine with this as a sendoff. Isak and his mom aren’t 100% perfect now, but they can work on having a relationship. And of course, it’s a good lead up to the church text and the symbolism there.
As always, please let me know if I misunderstood something from a language or cultural perspective.
If you’re still reading these, thank you! Especially after the long break I took. I’m almost done with this season’s reactions and I’ve loved talking about it with people and hearing from you all ❤️
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how do you feel about younger people in fandom? like the youngest side that are probably on tumblr i.e 13/14ish?
i don’t know if you mean in the x-files fandom, or just younger people getting involved into fandom stuff online nowadays so i’m just going to go with a generalization.
i’m nobody’s mother and interests are healthy, and honestly i’m 23 so i don’t know anything about anything yet, but i will say that i live with a 15 y/o girl, a 13 y/o girl, and an 11 y/o girl, and i find myself very sad when all they want to do is go on a phone and watch youtube videos and be online instead of doing something more creative or intellectual.
we had a birthday party for 11 last night, and we had to take phones away from like six 10-11 year olds, which is ridiculous. i do understand that we live in a big city (paris, which isn’t exactly the safest) and lots of kids do things independently (walk to school, walk to friends’ houses, take the métro) so sometimes i worry about 11 (who doesn’t have a phone) if she needs to take the métro alone or walk somewhere alone, and i wish she did have some way to reach me if ever she got lost or something, but 11 is so young.
i think in a world that’s become so increasingly digitized and almost making it necessary to be connected in some way, kids are growing up faster, and some of the posts online and on tumblr talk about things they might not understand yet, and cause them to form opinions based on a text post some 18 y/o wrote. i’m even guilty of this. i’ll get too lazy to keep up with the real world and get my politics from tumblr sometimes, and that’s probably not good, even though mainstream news sources can do the same thing. my mom worked for the washington post, and that’s pretty much the only place i get my news from.
i probably got my first tumblr account when i was 15, and honestly i regret it. i was a pretty sheltered kid/teenager who really enjoyed reading, doing art, writing, and watching sad european dramas about dead sovereigns and suffering artists. i somehow discovered pro-ana blogs (blogs that share and encourage eating disorders to the point where healthy people can begin to actively attempt to follow insane tips in order to lose weight), and since i actually had been having trouble with my own eating habits but never really known that those behaviors were bizarre, i self-diagnosed and was part of that “community” for awhile.
i was interested/ in love with lots of actors and actresses, and as i made it out of kind of the pro-ana area which i realized which was unhealthy lol i found out about stan culture and just real obsession with movie stars/celebrities. when i was a younger teen i was “obsessed” with meryl streep, which at that time meant that i watched all her films repeatedly. i didn’t realize people cared about the actors/actresses’ personal lives until i got on tumblr, and at the time it was really exciting to discover things about my favorite celebrities (i mean, being a fan of someone obviously isn’t new, but it was to me). now that i’m 23 i find it very invasive and somewhat creepy that we’re so interested in someone’s life, sometimes even more than their body of work. we’ll probably never meet that person, and if we do they’re not going to think about you or remember you forever, because there are thousands of other people out there who feel the same way, and they just can’t keep track (at least the huge stars).
on the flip side, i think it’s good to have role models and people to look up to, but sometimes there’s a thin line there. i’m blonde, but i dyed my hair brown in my first year of high school because i was obsessed with marion cotillard and wanted to look like her. i kept the brown throughout high school because i liked it, and sort of forgot i ever did it because of her, but now i’m blonde again and it looks so much better haha. ALSO i got really interested in france/speaking french because of her (and juliette binoche), although i had a fantastic and enthusiastic french teacher in high school to help fuel my desire to speak french. and now i’m fluent in french and live in france. wow. so, if there are people you look up to in the public eye and they’re influencing you in positive ways, that’s great! i do get suspicious when very influential celebrities share their political views, though. i think we have a tendency to follow in people’s footsteps either subconsciously or in full awareness. that could be in any field. i like certain authors, and sometimes my own writing is heavily influenced by their work. it’s a natural thing that happens. but voting really should be an informed decision...just my opinion.
let’s talk about “just my opinion”. online bullying is real and can sometimes be rampant if there are dividing views on someone and their perceived private life. for example, in the x-files fandom we will, for the most part, absolutely convince you that mulder and scully are fucking like bunnies, when the show’s own creator won’t lol. but there are also people who think that gillian anderson and david duchovny (the leads) were/are/could be at some point in a romantic relationship with each other. they (anderson and duchovny) even cater to the fans a bit, but at the end of the day that’s their business and they don’t owe us an explanation, and a lot of people in fandom sort of act like they do. the point of this example was that because people in fandom are divided about this point of view, if you talk about one side or the other, there are some people who will come at you and say mean things for not agreeing with you, and try to convince you of a truth they have no real authority to speak about. this is obviously just an example, but online bullying is rampant and is often taken personally and can really affect the person being bullied, especially someone younger who may or may not be already facing that in real life at school lol.
i think tumblr is a good place for people who suffer from mental illness to come together in a healthy way to talk through their problems (god i hope i’m telling the truth), and there’s definitely tons of awareness and support that you’ll get on tumblr that you may not find in the real world. for example, i don’t know anyone irl who has epilepsy who i can talk to about mine. on tumblr i’ve talked with people who understand what i’m going through. i think that self diagnosis online, just as much on tumblr as it is when i cough and search “signs of throat cancer or tuberculosis’, read up on web md, and immediately fear my days might be numbered, is a problem. on tumblr i think we’re introduced to concepts and can sometimes treat mental illness lightly, when it shouldn’t. if you’re suffering from a mental illness, the online world isn’t going to be the place that can completely help you (says the girl who refuses to go to therapy and instead complains online about how she’s not getting any better).
being online immediately takes us out of life and into a different world. we become observers instead of experiencing the world. there’s good stuff about observation, but being online and attached to a website that is more or less just a vice for people will often make us choose to be on our phones instead of doing stuff in real life.
all of these points being said, i’m guilty of a lot of the “bad/unhealthy” facets of tumblr, but as i’ve “grown up” (unfortunately still staying on tumblr for a good portion of that time) i’ve grown out of a lot of these things and can see the good and the bad that the online world has to offer, and know which parts to stay away from. i can recognize that spending too much time on here does nothing for my desire to stay inside and not experience the real world. it also makes me think a lot more about tv shows/films/celebrities than i need to. but i’ve also made great friends from being on tumblr over the years, and gotten support i definitely wouldn’t have gotten in real life.
back to my real life. do i encourage the girls i live with to be interested in certain media? yes, especially stuff i feel has a good message. i basically sat the two older ones down and showed them the pilot of the x-files. do they experience the same high level obsession i do with tv shows/movies? no. and i’m glad for that. they like to lose themselves in certain tv shows, but when the tv is off they don’t really talk about it. do i introduce them to things i’m interested in media-wise? yes. do i introduce them to books and music i was/am interested in? yes. have i told them about tumblr? no. they don’t have any access to my online “presence” (they don’t know my instagram, twitter, etc), and i don’t talk about it. when my computer is out and they’re in the room doing homework, i’m usually writing. granted, that’s usually fanfiction, but at least i’m writing something.
one of the boys i tutor is writing a book (he’s 11) which is basically a self insert that takes place in the harry potter universe. he doesn’t know what fanfiction is, and i haven’t told him (although he’d never type it up and put it online lol he barely knows how to turn the computer on), but i’m so thrilled he’s even writing that i make him sit down and write for 10 minutes before we ever start watching a movie (in english).
ANYWAY. i’m nobody’s mother and at the end of the day i’m posting this online on my stupid blog where nothing i say matters or has any influence anywhere, but i think kids should be able to enjoy a non-internet related childhood as long as possible. some of us on tumblr are old enough to actually have children that age, and as much as we like having an account on this site, if asked this same question we might not as readily say ‘yeah it’s great! i want my teenagers to have the same experience as me!’
there’s my two centimes. hope i answered your question. JuST MY OPINION.
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my past with dieting
wow, i think this post might end up being long.
to begin with, i was a fat kid from the very start. i don’t think i was obese but i was, i guess, overweight. now that i look back at it, it might have been the baby fat that added to the illusion. or maybe not, since i was fatter than everyone else in my grade.
before i even started school, i was just known to my family as that toddler that loved to eat. as with every story about eating disorders (disclaimer: i never really had an eating disorder but i guess... i almost did if that’s possible.), a likely factor would be the bullies. so in my story, my first bullies would’ve been my relatives.
it’s funny because the word and notion of “family” are supposed to resemble people who support you and care about you. i’m not saying my family doesn’t, but i guess they just have the worst ways of showing it... maybe it’s part of being asian?
anyway, i would remember when my parents dropped me off at my uncle’s place. he’s the second oldest brother of my mom. the uncle would every so often pick at me and say “oh who’s the chubby baby? it’s you” or some cringey baby talk that people do to toddlers-- except it’s usually “who’s a good girl” not “who’s the chubby kid”. lol. there was my cousin, his daughter, who is like at least a decade older than me who didn’t hide her dislike towards me and constantly ask “why do you eat so much?” i often didn’t answer because tbh, as a really young child, i wasn’t much of a person that reacted.
they weren’t wrong ofc. i actually did eat a hella lot. damn, i was a fat kid, deadasssss. even my mom joined on in the pinching of my belly and teasing. i think my first time being self-conscious about it was when i kept sucking in my belly as much as possible when my mom tried to force me into some uncomfortable ass jeans.
when i was a student at my third elementary school (my family moved multiple times), that’s when the bullying started. there’s a ton to say on that matter, maybe i’ll make a separate post, so i’ll just talk about the moments that really matter here. in general, the girls would often refer to me as the fat kid and sometimes would even throw in a comment or two. damn, why are kids so mean sometimes? even now, as a near young adult, i still see kids bullying each other and i can’t help but sigh in disappointment how it’s innate nature of humans to bully others. it’s kind of ridiculous. if you’re going to dislike someone, don’t show it enough to make them feel utterly terrible about themselves. if it gives you power to do so, you’re rotten trash. literally, you’re the real ugly one here.
i remember once when i was sitting a couple of rows behind the rest of the girls in my class in the auditorium of my elementary school, i was watching them talk. and they talked loud so i heard everything. they were just saying stuff like “i do this to my hair to make it look prettier” and “omg your hair is so long it’s so pretty”. i guess they caught me staring so one just smiled and said “(my name) can never be pretty enough with that short hair” to which another said “she’s kind of fat anyway”. ok, first of all-- i loved my damn ass dora the explorer hair cut ok? i was excited to go to the barbershop as a child to request the dora haircut specialty, bitch, i rocked it. i was sorta hurt by both the short hair and fat comments but like again, i didnt say anything i just looked away.
after that, the next time my dad brought me to the hairdresser, i was rebellious as heck. i didnt want short hair. i wanted to keep it long. but you know, there’s only so much 6 year old me can do, so i got my hair cut anyway.
fast forward to fifth grade. after years of constant teasing about my shape and weight, i think i had my awakening after i finished some good ass sandwich at barnes and nobles. i told my mom i was going to use the bathroom and so i did. after washing my hands, i looked into the mirror. ahh, the mirror that makes all the self-conscious people shudder. but i think i had never felt extremely self-conscious and distraught until then.
nobody was in the bathroom at that time, so i was brave enough to continue staring. i took in the sight of my flabby arms (which honestly wasn’t that flabby but it wasn’t thin) and most of all, my round belly. i was horrified as i turned to the side and gaped at how my stomach protruded out of my abdomen. it was like i have never noticed before. then as if a dam has been broken. all those comments and pinching at my body flooded my mind, screaming at me that yes, you are fat. you just realized? again, remind you, i literally wasn’t obese. i was overweight. two totally different things. if i want to make myself feel better, i guess i was borderline overweight only but idk, i was still fat.
i went home that night looking up on the internet “how to be cute” and “how to be pretty” like the naive kid i was and i gave up reading on tips on how to stand or how to dress. i decided i was going to diet.
when i refused to eat more when my mother offered another helping at dinner, i told her i was going to diet. immediately, she yelled angrily and was probably shocked, like who gave my daughter that idea what-- i was and still am a stubborn person so i persisted... i’m not going to go too deep into this because it was often just her trying to feed me and me trying to eat less and less.
i remember when we were at this shopping mall we frequently visited and i was in the dressing room trying to fit on new bras. when my mom helped me buckle up my bra after i finished trying on things, she said, “(my name), you got skinnier. i don’t even need to clasp your bra at the outermost row.” there were three sections for adjustment. i had managed to go from the outermost one to the innermost one. her voice held disappointment, but my heart had felt so light. i was elated.
this continued on into sixth and seventh grade. that’s right, it continued on deep into middle school. except it gotten worse. not only was i cutting down on portions of meals at home, i even did so at school. i skipped lunch, opting to avoid the lunch lines. i managed to skip breakfast when one day i got the idea of lying to my mom. “dont give me breakfast at home. i can just eat the school breakfast” to which she believed and sent me off to school without realizing i really wasn’t going to eat anything. i spent classes with awkward stomach growling. at that time, i didn’t know people could hear your stomach make noises when it’s hungry so i was fine with it lol. i slimmed down by a whole lot.
just to mention, if you’re going to lose weight, make exercise a thing. don’t strictly diet like me. i should’ve probably exercised but nah, i just depended on eating less or not eating at all. like any other rant, i’ll mention this: the rough start of my depression started at the beginning of eighth grade.
i was sick of “friendships”. sick of being used. sick of being second or third or anything else not first. sick of being manipulated. sick of being easily thrown away. most of all, i was just so sick of myself. i felt like i could never be able to have a friend. a friend i could depend on. i cut off all ties, if they barely even existed. i went into complete isolation. eighth grade was the grade i spoke not a single word to anyone. unless ofc i had to answer some question in class or do some group discussion. but even then, i honestly went so quiet. more quiet than i ever was before.
when i did speak a word outside in the hallway once, my classmate thought he was funny and said “wow, (my name) can talk?” and laughed like it was just that damn funny. idk bro, you got nothing better to laugh about? it’s nice that i matter so much to you, you had to make a comment, let alone say my name because clearly my attention wasn’t even on you in the first place.
anyway, hell yeah, i was hella emo. and when i’m emotionally depressed af, my appetite is ruined. starting that year, i fell into constant times of not feeling like eating. by then i was already thin enough i guess. i admit, i wasn’t skin and bones. but i wasn’t overweight anymore. my skin grew paler. it became harder for me to stand up without feeling lightheaded. i began catching colds more often than i ever had before. none of that deterred me from dieting though, despite by the start of my depression, i was already midway through not strictly dieting anymore.
depression continued that for me though. it hurt to eat sometimes. when i feel like crying, when my throat feels rough, my heart feels heavy, why add to the pain by forcing myself to swallow food? i’m not bulimic, i never was. i just avoided food. i would constantly protest “mom, i’m not dieting, i really just am not hungry.” did i ever mention that throughout my years and still up to this day, my mom would constantly throw shade at me for choosing to diet in the past? it hurts every time she does. in fact, i started writing this long ass post just because she did it again today.
i think she also started to notice my increase in depressing mood so sometimes she won’t say much if i refuse to eat. it was like my body hurt when i saw food and my mind drove me somewhere else to avoid the food placed in front of me. food repulsed me. my stomach turned at seeing it. near the end of eighth grade, i gotten into my first serious relationship with some girl 2-3 years older than me online. it lasted for about a year. honestly, it was a very rocky one. i constantly felt depressed. she was depressed too. she made me feel more depressed than i’d be if she wasn’t there, if i had to be honest.
the week following after our breakup, i was utterly broken. 14 year old me had no idea what i was supposed to do. it was halfway through my freshman year at high school. i didn’t have much friends. i only had one. even then, they weren’t there to support me. the other one...who’s now my best friend...i had lost her contact number. it wasn’t until four months later til i finally got in touch with her again so she wasn’t there to help me through my post break up either.
if me skipping meals often because of emotions was bad, this week was the worst. i legitimately didn’t eat more than 3-4 small bites of food a day. even now, i’m surprised how i managed to survive that week on so little food and how my mom didn’t even say much. she did notice and ask “why arent you feeling hungry these days? something wrong?” to which i’d brush off. i cried a lot. a hella lot. most of the times, it was heaving like i was trying to throw up my heart. i mean, i still have my crying sessions as i’m still...hella...depressed and yeah it feels like that. it be like that sometimes. and then the moments besides “most of the times” was me sniffling on the school bus because i just couldn’t stop thinking about it.
i could’ve killed myself. i nearly could’ve. midyear exams were coming. the stress from both school and my personal life was overwhelming. my body was destroyed. but somehow, i manage to overcome myself and get myself back into focusing on the exams. damn, i was hella scholar. now i’m not though lol. but then, i was focused since i was only a freshman that had just gotten into a prestigious school. the exams had managed to make me forget about what happened temporarily.
now, i still constantly look down on my body and wonder if i’m too fat. i still fat check. i squish my thighs, stare at them, hold them, then stare again. i look at my belly, i pinch it, i stare, i hold it tight wishing i can make the fat disappear. i’m not fat per se. people now call me skinny af, call me a pile of bones (i’m not, they’re exaggerating but i wish i was tbh). i hold my arms, squishing them to see if they’re too thick or not. i still look in the mirror observing the width of my body. i still try to calculate how much i’ve eaten on a daily basis. thinking about what i ate today and how much i’ve eaten.
perhaps, i’m not actively starving myself anymore, but those actions of paranoia and self-consciousness never left me...my stomach is probably ruined. will that stop me? probably not. i’ll be honest.
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Day 4: The End of a Chapter
Today was my last day at treatment going to groups. It was so fucking bittersweet. I think I finally went to sleep at like, 5 in the morning. I was just so lost in looking at old pictures and thinking about everything I went through over the past 5-6 months while there. How much my life has changed, how much I had learned, how many people I met--thinking about how well those people are hopefully doing.
Going to my last day of treatment was honestly, weirder than the first day of going in. All of a sudden I was going to never really see these people again, all of a sudden I wouldn’t have my mindful smokes with Tree on Thursday nights (let alone the late nights of sitting in the parking lot smoking God only knows how many cigarettes), I wouldn’t be seeing Dr. B or Wednesday or Gillie for groups. I’d have so much time. So much time to do nothing, to do something, to avoid, to create, to hate myself, to attempt self care, to fall into a rabbit hole of nothingness. Honestly, at this point, I was going to treatment mainly for the sense of community moreso than because I still wanted help.
Now I don’t really have that anymore. I don’t know where I can really place my safe place anymore. The treatment center became my safe place. Which, I mean, its supposed to be a safe place, but I really attached myself to that place because I’m not really familiar with anywhere else. Maybe it was because I felt wanted there that I felt so comfortable? I knew who would be there, I knew I’d see Sass’s smiling face every time I walked in the door, and I knew that I could crack jokes with several staff members. I need to find that sense of security in a different place. It honestly almost reminds me of graduating high school. You spend four years of your life with the same people and you get so accustomed to how things are and the people you see. Your high school is never off limits to you, but its a little weird if you visit. Only, I spent 5-6 months with these people, but its still weird to think that I won’t be in groups anymore, and again, never really seeing anyone anymore. So. Fucking. Bittersweet.
Pink would ask me at this point what was bitter? Well... honestly, a lot of it was bitter. I didn’t want to go to treatment, I had to learn what a real meal looked like, I have to follow a meal plan (which I still don’t follow), I had to be *shudders* vulnerable, and I had to walk into a building where I was supposed to face my eating disorder head on to better my health. I feel like he would have a ton of questions at this point, but he’d continue instead with asking: what was sweet? Again... honestly, a lot of it was sweet as well. I made several new friends and met many people that will always hold a special place in my heart--whether I keep in touch with them or not. I learned more about myself in 5 months of treatment than I had in 5 years of therapy, and the person underneath all of the rubble of her mental illnesses is actually pretty damn cool and hella funny. I’m more self aware, and I know how I’m going to end my book I’m writing, and lastly, I’ll always remember all of the really fucked up eating disorder humour that happened in the four walls of that building (i.e. Gillie yelling that sriracha is an anorexic sauce, and laughing at gemelli noodles every time I see them because they remind me of Gemelli)--and also in the corner where Tree and I would smoke.
I don’t know. It’s all just really strange. Leaving treatment tonight felt strange. Leaving Tree tonight felt even stranger. Aside from Saturday night, I don’t know when the next time I’ll see her is, and frankly, that makes me even more upset. I always looked forward to Thursdays because I knew I’d see her smiling face and that we would smoke before and after group, I’d go grab dinner at chick-fil-a, and when she finished her last group, we’d smoke and talk for hours in the parking lot (even though we weren’t supposed to). Gillie called it our self care routine--especially when we sang Rent together. God damn it, this is getting more emotional for me than I anticipated.
It wouldn’t be a “last day” post without talking about the shell outs. Come to find out, another girl was shelling out today, so there were three patients leaving on the same day. Listening to three shell outs was honestly one of the nicest things I’ve ever experienced. Listening to how three different people affected other patients, how the other patients feel about those people, and what the other patients wish for those people--it was a little humbling, actually. I mean, you don’t really think about any of this [how your actions affect others] until its time to say good bye.
I barely knew anyone in that group because my rotation of people that I started with were all basically gone, and I was only there for two groups, so I didn’t really get to know the new people as they came in. I was always nice though, and I always tried to just be positive with sprinkles of morbid humor. Apparently a lot of people found my personality and vibe contagious and they really enjoyed having me in group simply because of my personality. I’m not really one to think that I have a personality that is anything special, but its nice to know that even though they didn’t really know me, they enjoyed having me around.
So, to my treatment center, here is to roughly 16,500 minutes of living my hell on earth, to laughter, to crying of frustration, to yelling at staff during dinner because my disorder thought it knew better, to begging to see my weight, to giving away my scale, to making new friends, to #subgroupingtothemax, to food rituals, to being on a restorative meal plan...and having everyone remind me about it, to finding out I was not in fact on a restorative meal plan, to visiting friends in res, to 7.5 hour manic conversations, and to discovering who I am underneath the mess. Thank you for helping me find her. Fuck my eating disorder, granted I do miss the way I looked back then. I’m going to keep trying to kill the thing that tried to kill me. Or not. I’m still living that pathologically ambivalent life. That I don’t know how to fix. Someone help lol. Sappy post over, guys. I’ll continue being dead inside tomorrow. Now I’m going to go furiously smoke outside because I can’t handle the amount of emotion that is going through my head.
-- Rian Dianna
#eating disorder#treatment#neda#eating disorder awareness#iop#php#after care#morbid jokes#humour#anorexia#bulimia#ana#mia#endnos#arfid#osfed#tell me how you really feel#emotional#thoughts#late night thoughts#measure in love
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If you care about disabled women please read this lol
It’s funny that this is my most popular post, and yet all of my posts calling out specifically ableist behaviors are ignored for the most part, and I still see y’all throwing around the words “delusional”, “neurotic”, “basketcase”, “narcissistic”, “psychotic”, making fun of shut-ins and people who hallucinate, I’ve even seen the r slur used at one point. I see y’all just letting that type of language slide and not calling anyone out for it, I see y’all supporting people who say that people with personality disorders are inherently abusive, I see y’all demonizing mentally ill people.
All right listen up, I wasn’t gonna dive into this shit but it looks like I’m going to have to.
I’ll keep this as short and summarized as possible, because if I get into details or try to make this comprehensive, this post will go on forever.
I grew up low class. Bad neighborhoods where fights and shattered glass and loud domestic violence and arson cases etc. would be the regular. I’ve been molested, my house has been egged, our stuff has been stolen, etc. Our house would regularly be infested by multiple species of bugs, we’d get bitten constantly and always have itchy bumps all over ourselves, bugs would crawl all over my homework and into my textbooks and belongings. There was a point where we were damn near homeless, and we were always on the verge of going hungry.
The reason I grew up low class is because of the combination of ableism and misogyny. My mom is one of the lucky disabled people who actually managed to get on Disability, and we’re lucky enough to have supportive family who offered a hand where they could, and it was still barely enough to keep us afloat. I won’t get into details, but the way she’s been consistently treated by ableists and misogynists, and the way the government and society works, has kept her unemployed and unable to recover.
My mother had DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder), PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), and was autistic. She was treated like absolute SHIT for having these disorders.
Other than the ableism and maltreatment she faced from the people around her, and the system itself (including welfare, therapy, case management, etc) which should not be the least bit understated in how severely it’s damaged her recovery, she faced a shit ton of abuse in hospitals. She’s been forced on harmful medications, strapped down in a room alone for hours with straps so tight they were cutting off her circulation, gaslighted and harassed and mocked and ignored, been watched while on the toilet, had her things stolen, had her clothes taken while she was still wearing them, been violently threatened, been beaten up, been preyed on, etc. And all of this has been consistent.
And the people who treat her like shit, delegitimitize her, gaslight her, scream at her, lie about her, ignore what she has to say about her own body and treatment, lock her up, beat her up? They’re the same people who talk shit and make assumptions about people with Borderline. They’re the same people who talk about “the crazies”, “the nutcases”, who see a psychotic person existing and see them as inhuman basketcases to make fun of and abuse. They’re the same people who claim that DID doesn’t exist and try to misdiagnose patients based on their own personal bias (which has resulted in all her DID symptoms being ignored and untreated and made worse, more gaslighting and assumptions that these randos who met her for like five minutes know her better than she knows herself, court ordered to take the wrong medications which are typically very harmful to her, etc.). They’re the same people who use casually ableist language and use arguments that “they must be mentally ill if they’re a bad person!!!” that I’ve seen all over this community.
And you know what?
MY MOM IS DEAD NOW, BECAUSE OF ALL THIS. SHE’S FUCKING DEAD.
She was the nicest person in the world, she was so enthusiastic and vibrant and wonderful and imaginative and creative and if I go on much longer about her I’ll start crying, but I can not possibly overstate how incredible a person she was and how much she meant to me.
And when I see y’all refusing to look critically at your own ableism, when I see y’all talking night and day about the language and casual misogyny that supports rape culture and keeps women in chains--and then proceed to not give a damn about ableist language / talk about how it’s just a word or try to fucking DEFEND that shit? It’s so clear that the only women you care about aren’t disabled, or at least, aren’t mentally ill. Mentally ill women are some of the most vulnerable women and throwing them under the bus is the opposite of feminist!
Saying “disabled women deserve better” or “we need to do more to help disabled women” is easy as shit, but when it comes to actually taking action to do it, y’all are sleeping.
Please reblog this.
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yet another processing post
So sometime during my first year of college someone told me that Christian communities are where you find the friends that become family. Four years later and I think that was one of the biggest pieces of bullshit I bought into.
Don't get me wrong, I've experienced A LOT of growth in the Christian communities I've been a part of and met great people, but I've also experienced an immense amount of judgement, shame, and hurt.
First off, college. LOL I say this all the time and I truly do mean it, college was probably the worst season of my life. On top of family brokenness, struggling with academics, and learning to manage several mental disorders, I had to deal with bullies, racism, sexism, rumors, exceedingly high expectations, never ending judgement companied with unwarned suggestions from several people who knew nothing about me on how to live my life, shaming, and several other things from my Christian fellowship. I think my broken idea of what family is alongside believing that Christian communities are where you find friends that become family made me think that this was okay. It literally took a complete breakdown, losing several friends / mentors, and ending up in the psych ward for me to realize that it was such a toxic environment. But, being in IV did impact me in a lot of positive ways such as personal & spiritual growth, meeting several slightly older folks who became positive role models and influences in my life, new opportunities for me to explore passions, and meeting people outside of UCD that deeply touched my heart. If I could do college over again, I'd still join IV, but I'd just do things differently. I would tell my college self to not lose yourself in the midst of all these leadership trainings / discipleship meetings / staff meet-ups, don't listen to people when they tell you who or what to give your time to because that's up to you, and that God's voice is the most important.
Looking back on college, there's really only one person I met in IV that has become family, and most of our friendship grew outside of IV considering she stopped going LOL There's others that are still friends / acquaintances that I talk to every now and then, see on social media, etc. These positive relationships that really do mean the world to me because they've really help shape me to who I am now. Being led by Victoria, being mentored by Alexi, sharing a friendship with Lily, being encouraged by Robert, etc. are things I treasure. Some of those friendships are still active on social media and it's always a reminder that college wasn't all pain. And then there's a lot of relationships that ended in hurt either through hurtful actions or fading away cause the friendship wasn't worth fostering to them. Those I still treasure for the positive moments and the season they were present in my life. But it's hard to look at those and smile because there's still a lot of hurt I have yet to move past. All in all, my college experience in a Christian community didn't showcase "friends becoming family." Rather it was a mix of meeting great people that challenged me and inspired me, and meeting people that made me lose myself and cause a deep amount of hurt.
As for post-grad, welp. It's been a journey. There's everything with Bayside Davis, which has been negative for the most part. Then there's my small group, which has been a difficult mix of both positive and negative. Positive because I genuinely love my small group. I enjoy our biblical discussions, I feel challenged and encouraged by them, we've shared a lot of laughs, and they're just great people overall. I just feel myself growing with this group and I enjoy the presence of each person. But negative because we aren't really a community LOL All we do is see each other on Thursday's and sometimes at church, and all we ever talk about is from the guided discussion at SG. We've had like four hang outs, three of which I've attended, and they've either been barely anyone or really short or no good chats about getting to know each other. So it's been weird to be in this group and feel growth personally and spiritually, but not in community. It's kinda weird heh.
And today, well, today made cry...a lot. A few days ago I texted my SG being real about how holidays are hard because my family and I go to different churches (it's a lot more than that but I wasn't get too deep into it over text lmao) and I tend to go alone and I was open with them and said that I didn't want to spend Easter morning at church alone and I was hoping to be with community. I asked which service they were going to and if I could join them. Only Elvira responded and she let me know that her and Kevin were serving at the 9am, but that means they don't get to sit during service. No one else responded and I assumed they'd gone back to their hometowns to be with family or just weren't going to Midtown. So I cried last night because I really just didn't want to go church alone. But I woke up this morning feeling good. My window was open, birds were singing, the sun was rising, and I just felt good. I was reminded that I was going to church alone, but I wasn't alone. I went to the 9am service, sat by myself, and loved every second of it. Could it have been better shared with community? Hell yeah, but I was still filled with joy. When I got to my car, someone from SG texted asking where people were sitting and they sent a picture and lookie there, my SG was all together for the second service. I just sat in my car trying not ruin my make-up with tears. I fought them back for a solid 30 minutes.
What got me was that there's a guy in my SG who I've known all through college. He's seen me through a lot and I've opened up to him. He knows the issues with my family and I've talked about how hard holidays are for me. And he couldn't even text me to tell me what service he was going to. I'm like 10x more angry and frustrated with him than the rest of my SG. I literally save him a seat every regular Sunday and his ass walks in late with a donut and coffee every time. Like he couldn't just respond and say 11am. It takes less than a minute to type and send that. And hearing all my family problems and the pain I carry along with it, he just couldn't fucking do it. Y'all I cannot even put into words how unloved I felt today by him.
And even my SG. I was honestly disappointed. I've planned all our hang outs, I've missed TWO small groups (one for a car problem and the other because I wanted to support a friend at her performance). They even said I get the award for best attendance cause I've probably been to the most SG's and YP events. I take time every weekend to pray for their prayer requests and if God brings something up when I pray, I text them. I don't do this to get anything back, like I promise I don't. I genuinely do this because I love my SG, I want the best for them, and I care about them. But I am hurt that no one could just say "11am" when I asked what service. Like...where are the friends that become family?
When I look at the people in my life and I see the friends that have become family, I didn't meet them jn Christian communities. I met them in HS (which was a catholic HS but it doesn't count cause it's totally different lmao) and through those HS friends. They've become family and most of them don't even fucking live in the same city as me. I've seen us travel miles on miles to celebrate birthdays, support each other at performances, be there at graduations, welcome people back at the airport, etc. I've seen us stick up for each other when racism and/or sexual harassment as come up, challenge each other to be better, call each other out on shit we do, etc. I've seen us laugh and cry all in the same hour, be vulnerable and share our stories, listen well and honor the stories we hear, etc. I've seen us go above and beyond to be good friends to each other and these are the friends that have become family.
I don't expect Jessica to fly to celebrate my birthday with me and I don't expect Luis to tell a guy to go away and leave me alone when he's been harassing me and I don't expect Holly to feed me chips outside the club when my drunk ass is hungry. I don't expect these of them and I'd never ask this of them. But a fucking text back when I send you a long message about why I'm thankful were part of my 2017 and how I hope you have a full and joyful 2018 would be nice. Like a thank you. Or you could even just heart the damn message. Or John could just say "I'm going to the 11am service" when I ask our SG which Easter service their going to so I don't go alone. Or even a "thanks for saving a seat" on Sunday's. But nothing. I don't even expect my friends friends to go above and beyond. Like I'm fucking living when they text me saying they also like Enlightened more than they like Halo Top and "OMG did you smell the easter bath bombs at lush? I think you'd like it." Honestly being friends with me really isn't hard. Like my biggest things are initiating every now and then, stick to your word and show up when you say you'll show up, and fucking texting back. Those are the main things and I really don't think they're that complex / difficult. Yet it seems like the only people that can do that in my life are Sabrina, my HS friends, and the friends I met through them. And relating back to what I was originally processing, Sabrina is the only one I met through a Christian community. Goes to show that the whole "Christian communities are where you meet the friends that become family" didn't happen for me heh
It's hard cause I have to remind myself that not everyone wants a friendship with me. But at the same time, don't ask me to plan SG hang outs or show up late to church cause you wanted Starbucks and you know I'll save you a seat or ask me for a ride somewhere when you don't plan on being a friend to me. Don't sit their receiving the benefits of a friendship with me without being a fucking friend to me. Recognize that you're taking advantage of it and either fucking stop or be a friend. Cause it hurts from this side of the situation.
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LOL wow this post took a turn. I went from talking about buying into the bullshit that Christian communities hold the best friendships you'll have to just friendship in general to getting really fucking mad at people. I think the turn this took is a sign that I need to spend some time in prayer and with God cause there ain't no room in my heart for this bitterness.
Okay I'm tired now and I want to watch Grey's Anatomy to let my brain just stop thinking for a bit and I also need to go pray cause yeah, bitterness ain't cool n shit
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