you guys, i’m at work & feeling anxious. very anxious and just can’t focus. i have 0 reason for it but i just want it to go away 😞 i want to be in aaron’s arms so bad right now. i don’t want to do anything but snuggle in his lap while he holds me. please send soft thoughts, fics, photos, anything. i just want my husband 😞🩷

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ ❝ lay down with me ❞ ─ a darling, in any life blurb

pairing: aaron hotchner x reader. summary: the red thread between two people destined to be together may stretch and tangle, but those ties will never break. or: they find out maybe bars aren't all the same. content warnings: alcohol, suggestive talk. not proof read. word count: 2.1k

"were you... brushing your teeth?" yeah he was. and yeah they were still on the jet, but as soon as they got back to hq he would be on his car for the 45min ride to arlington to see you. he couldn't risk bad breath on your first date.

before aaron could even answer emily's inconvenient question, derek came in with another one "hair freshly cut too, anyone noticed it?" well he cut his own hair, it would be simply rude not to look his best when he so easily could.

he knew jj was coming in with something too when she passed by him, so he had to cut it out before "hey, enough. i'm meeting an old friend after work, just trying to use my time wisely here." his eyes scanned the room for the reactions and even though no one replied, he could see all the little smirking around and whispering between emily and derek mostly.

so much for a private life.

he's not the hiding type, if he's in a relationship he has no problem letting people know it, as long as that is it, he enjoys keeping the details to himself. and right now that's all he can really say about you, you're an old friend, just an old friend.

for now.

he was running late now, and very stressed about it. of course it wasn't the greatest of ideas to go from quantico to arlington by driving instead of taking the train, but he wanted to have the choice to take you somewhere else if you wanted to and to get you home safe when the date ended. he was also aware that trains didn't run as late as he might be staying.

he planned the haircut, the hotel shower right before leaving, brushing his teeth while in the jet, having his car ready, but god, did he not plan for the traffic he would have to deal with after 6pm.

but he's a gentleman, so he calls from the car system to warn you about it and he's nervous and anxious because not being present enough and being late or not there at all ruined his marriage and he wants to do better, he really really wants to.

"oh don't worry babe, i'm still enjoying my wine in my living room. thought it would be better to wait 'til you were in town to leave, yeah?" aaron hopes the loud sigh of relief he let out isn't so obvious to you, but it is. you find it endearing. you were reading essays still just minutes ago, you understood him.

you weren't very sure how well would you two work considering that. but you sure as hell wasn't going to give up without at least trying it. and definitely not without a fight.

"send me your location then, i'll pick you up in... twenty."

"uuuh, picking me up? look at us, it's a real date date now, curfew's at 10pm then, don't forget it." you make him laugh easily with that, your father was a strict man, sometimes you both went to the movies or the park nearby and if you got home at 10:03 was enough for him to sit aaron down in your living room and tell him all about responsibilities and how he was the boy and so he was supposed to protect you and ensure you were home in time.

"i am curious about what the consequences of not following the curfew will be this time though." oh he's teasing you now, as if this wasn't your first date and the implications of consequences weren't so... suggestive, to say the least. but he feels comfortable enough for that.

"guess you'll have to wait and see then, agent hotchner." your voice drips like honey and he's pretty sure he just figured out some sort of deep ingrained fetish he didn't know he had until now. "see you soon, airhead!" you laugh innocently before finishing the call and it drives him mad in the most delicious way.

he thinks those are the most torturous 27 minutes he's ever had to go through his life, but the feeling is completely overrun with almost childish glee as he parks in front of your house. he could fit the choice for a house instead of an apartment easily on your own profile but he didn't need too, you liked your space. apartments have no space. no privacy. he remembers vividly of a conversation you both had after your cousins were forced into an apartment because of your aunt's divorce.

he dries his palms on his pants quickly not sure if he should go to your door, stay where he is or what. he hasn't done this, the whole date ordeal in a while and it just got to him that he has no idea how people do it these days. what's too much or too little?

aaron finally decides on leaving the car and waiting near by, after sending you a quick text to inform you he was there. it was a middle ground of sorts, he felt confident in it. kinda.

it doesn't take you long to leave and lock your door and the sight of you immediately takes his breath away, your smile takes him back some years but your thighs remind him quickly that you are both definitely not fifteen anymore. he shakes his head softly, directing his eyes to a more suitable place for a first date: your hands. you were holding a flower bouquet.

flowers.

"fuck." he mutters to himself in frustration, "i forgot to bring you flowers." you don't seem bothered about it, in fact it makes you smile more as you hand him the bouquet in your hands. "you got these... for me?" aaron grabs the gift softly with both hands, afraid he's going to break it somehow.

"yeah, wanted to test my theory that you're still a sap." the way his eyes were shining and his lips turned into the sweetest of smiles were enough proof to you. aaron was always loving, caring, soft. it was interesting seeing him on the news nowdays, stoic, serious, unbothered. you wanted to see how easy it was to break him.

turns out very easy. at least to you.

"a sap! i'm surprised i got flowers from a beautiful woman, sue me." he opens the passenger door so you can get in, which you quickly do with a cheeky smile on your face, the gift is carefully placed on the backseat before he's back to your side, seat belt on. nosy as you are, you're already typing some address on the gps.

"i heard people talking really good things about this place." you muse while he turns the car on, already following the instructions. "apparently the beer is great and it stays open til late." he doesn't ask for any clarifications, if that's where you want to go, that's where he'll take you.

the food you've both ordered hasn't arrived at your table yet but aaron has already gulped down two large beers and is trying so very hard to not show how annoyed he is, it makes you laugh, hard. he follows, laughing along and shaking his head.

"who told you about this place?" he asks accusingly, you take a sip of your own drink and pretend you didn't hear it. "who?"

"i don't want to tell you."

"your students then. you trusted a bunch of twenty somethings with our date. pitiful." you don't reply, instead you just keep laughing to yourself while you drink. the place is loud. loud music. loud college students. loud busy street. you tell him that's exactly the type of place you would hang out with your girl friends to hook up back in london, his experience isn't the same, the lover boy committed since high school.

"how do they even get to know each other over this nooooise?" laughing at his annoyance only lasts so long and now you're the one not being able to sort through your thoughts, the food is good though, you both agree while munching on the appetizers that accompany the beer.

in retrospect you should've imagined it would be this time of place by the countless mentions of beer whenever a student recommended it.

"look around, i don't think they're actually trying to." you follow his gaze and notice that as the hours passed, the more couples formed and the less they were actually talking. exactly as it was in your own college days. "i'm a bit tipsy so i'll let my curiosity win, you never told me why you divorced the second time." it was out of the blue, you told him the first one wasn't that bad, conflicting views on family and you both married too early in the relationship. the second one was... harsher.

"bastard cheated on me." you shrugged, but it was obvious it still got to you, aaron could see it in your eyes, in your voice tone, and that had nothing to do with being a behavior analyst, and everything to do about how he just... knew you. "his whore also pressed charges against me when i wasn't even trying to hit her, she just got in the way." he chocked on his beer and almost had to spit it out after that tiny little piece of information you hadn't mentioned before.

"you have a record?"

"he made her drop the charges when i left the apartment to him without a fight. that's why i moved back to the states." he blinks once, twice. maybe he should be worried, but he also knew that could get a bit aggressive when losing control. just it always happened to terrible people. "i'm obviously joking, airhead." the relief he feels is followed by an annoyed face for believing such a lie, you touch his forehead softy, smoothing the lines so he doesn't look mad anymore. he takes it as a sign, taking your hand in his and kissing your knuckles, then your hand, and pulls you to him, letting go to touch your chin.

if he wasn't drinking the proximity would inebriate him alone, the way your eyes closed and your cheeks blushed in anticipation, he's sweet, lips touching yours with tender patience, much more patient than you, you who lifted your body just a bit from the chair and pulled him by his collar to deepen the kiss, almost causing a disaster if any of you fell over the table with all the glass cups.

you let him go just after hearing some snickering from the table behind yours, not blaming them for it, it probably looked like an awkward kiss from the outside. but it wasn't.

"that was certainly better than our first one..." you smile sheepishly at him, putting your hands on your lap, nervous.

"you blushed and gripped my shirt." he says looking deep into your eyes, making you tilt your head slightly, showing him your confusion. "it's been thirty years, you did the same thing... you blushed and gripped my shirt."

"so you're telling me you make me feel like a school girl."

"i'm telling you you've just acted like one." you take the comment as a challenge, getting up and taking your chair with you to sit closer to him, brushing your lips to his before going to his ear.

"you're drunk and staying over, so why don't we get a taxi and i'll show you the school girl." you can see the way his neck shivers at your little teasing, but he takes advantage of the new found closeness to kiss you again, with much more hunger but also much faster than the first because he's ready to pay the tab and get out of there.

it wasn't really that hard to find a taxi, being a night time neighborhood, they knew to stay around. aaron had your bag on one of his hands and the other on your thigh. your arms went around his and your head laid on his shoulder. none of you talked the whole way there, just feeling each other's presence and the alcohol twirling around your minds and your stomachs.

and you did show him you were not a school girl anymore when you both got to your house: you got him your largest t-shirt and pyjama pants, your coziest blanket and after you both changed and took aspirins to try and prevent the headache that would inevitably come, you got your pillows and went to the living room and laid on your big couch with aaron, cuddling with him as some tv show re-run lured you both to sleep.

it was almost 2am, and while you could take him to your bedroom and take his clothes off like you wanted to, you both knew it was the middle of the week, he had to wake up early to get his car, you would probably pass out under him anyway.

cuddling was more than enough for a first date. and at least for aaron, he was sure he wouldn't let go of your embrace anytime soon.

I have so many nice messages and asks--thank you for that! they've been such bright moments to see those pop up and I'm going to finally get back to today as a treat because, y'all, the last couple of days have been a lot fighting to get my brother-in-law proper care. I just need to have a rant post. (cw: mental health, American healthcare bullshit, threats of harm/SI)

We spent the last few days trying to get several hospitals to take us seriously to take care of my BiL. He's presenting as psychotic and two hospitals dismissed it as mental health and sent him away. He has NEVER behaved this way. One hospital kept him because he was threatening to harm himself and others. They held him for 12 hours and then discharged him because the doctor said he'd been calm since her shift started: from 3am to 6am. I'm also pretty calm at 3am. wtf. This is a man who used to work hazmat for the us military, combat vet, he works at ROTC, he took on parenting his best friend's children when needed. He's goofy but he's competent. They discharged him despite him not being able to identify numbers or colors. when asked what season it was he said, "Monday." He was babbling nonsense, banging on things with nothing behind his eyes, and couldn't keep his tongue in his mouth. He wasn't the man I know. He was like a toddler. And he was dangerous. Tricking him into getting into the car and driving with him in the car 45min to get him across the border to another state with a better hospital system was terrifying. If he had an episode, we could have crashed. I had pepper spray in my pocket the whole ride. Here's the thing. He had spinal surgery 11 days ago during which there was a spinal fluid leak that the surgeons couldn't find to close. He went back to the hospital with headaches 3 times and they kept sending him home saying it would resolve on its own.

But when he presented to hospitals like this, no one would listen to us begging them to CT his brain, check intracranial pressure, or check for infection. We were brushed off.

Once we got to a neighboring state, between me not backing down and my husband throwing his mental health care license around in a way that made him super uncomfortable, they finally looked for a medical cause. (Mental health IS medical but the ERs don't treat it that way.) He's now being treated for what they believe is an infection that spread to his brain. But we spent 12 hours yesterday trying to keep calm even when he didn't know who we were and then listening to him scream and fight when we couldn't. My husband was a hero. There's so much more but I'm tired. We're exhausted, physically and emotionally. We're still worried sick, waiting to hear if the antibiotics are helping. I'm furious with the medical system. I just hope he will be okay and recover to someone I've known for 20 years.

So thanks for listening to me rant and for all the lovely unrelated messages. I'm so excited to answer things and get my mind off of this for a little while.

Story 1#

Back at one of the jobs that I've had when I was 19, I was working at a crab factory. Typical seasonal job. We were making those crab skulls filled with crab meat. It was a seasonal job.

So, we were about 15-20 people, depending on the month. 8 people were permanent workers, where depending on the person they had from 4 to 20 years of experience of working at the factory.

So, at that point I've worked there for 4 months. I've worked since the beginning of the season, and the highest peak of the season was approaching, so our boss hired more people. One of them was... We'll call him Ditto.

Ditto was... Really awkward at first. My boss asked me to give him a ride to and from work, since walking 1.5 km was too much for him, and I was taking the ferry anyways since I've lived far away, on another island. I agreed since I love helping people and I love driving my car.

So, it was Ditto's first day at work, and he came to the country the day before. Understandably, he asked me if I minded going to a grocery store after work, since he needed to buy food. Obviously, I told him that it wasn't a problem and that was that. Or so I've thought.

Chat, we get into the car, right? And so I start driving my car to the nearest grocery store and we have a small conversation. You know, the usual stuff, like age, general likes, relationship status, hobbies and the like. So far so good. He's being really friendly, which was nice enough, since I was the only person that was his age, I thought it was perfectly understandable. Turns out we both like alternative metal. Cool. Our passenger princess (Ditto) plays music in the car.

Then he suddenly starts to compliment my English skills. Now, the thing is, English is not my first language, but because of school I've learned to speak with an/a American/British accent, but I avoid using it with native speakers since I'm always self conscious and scared that they'll think I'm mocking them or something. Yes, I do tend to overthink and I do tend to worry too much.

So I've explained the above and made a joke how I sound like Glados from Portal whenever I use a British accent, and he goes (very very flirty) "I wouldn't mind you talking like a robot lady. I would actually really appreciate it."

Chat, hear me out. I know some people are just friendly/flirty, but the situation becomes much worse later on. To start off, the dude has a girlfriend. From the sounds of it, she sounded fucking amazing. Hella smart. Got into doctor studies. A year older.

So at this point I kinda gave him a subtle sideye. The "dude, why" sideye. But I continue driving since I don't want to crash my car and die yet. So I just mutter a "oh, that's nice/thanks"

Nothing much was said after that until after we did the groceries and I was dropping him off. As mentioned, back then I used to take a ferry, so time was kind of scarce for me since I spent 2-3h each day commuting to work.

So, the dude is really slow. My grandma moves on a wheelchair and even she is faster than him. So by the time I grab the groceries I thought he would have taken out the bike (he rode the bike from the house to the ferry, and I was supposed to get him from the ferry and then drive to work. Since I was dropping him off after grocery shopping we packed the bike as well).

But he did not. And since I wanted to take the ferry on time (otherwise I would have had to wait for 45min) I just walked up and I was about to grab the bike.

Listen, our hands touch. I don't think much of it. But him? He blushed. Hard. He kinda shyly took his hand away, and then went like, "TeeHee what a coincidence."

It does become worse. Since he looks at the clock and suggest that I stay for tea/coffee. At that point my alarm bells kinda ticked off and there's no way I'm going to stay with this dude one on one more than I have to. So I say no and that I'm going home.

NOW, here's a list of things he used to do at work:

1) I listened to music during work, since we could and I didn't see why not. Just casually killing crabs and listening to Killing Floor 2 soundtrack along with Doom.

I've had some experience at that point, and the leader had terrible English skills, so I guess he naturally went to me whenever he didn't understand something or didn't know what to do. Which is totally fine! What was not fine, is the way how he went around with it.

Instead of tapping me on the shoulder, he would stand beside me or behind me, almost breathing down my neck, just waiting for me to notice him. He would also constantly come up with excuses to talk to me about non work related things. I'm naturally a person who is dedicated to whatever work I do, so I tend to try hard.

2) He would constantly try to invite me over, saying how he wanted to "thank me", how he would bake a cake for me and stuff. I'm going to remind you, dude had a girlfriend at that point. Apparently she also didn't know he had a coworker that was his age (me).

3) Oh, yeah. Forgot to say this, but the car situation? At some point he said something along the lines of "I really admire your confidence", because we were talking about how I was supposed to go to an aquapark with a few other coworkers, and apparently Ditto was unknowingly invited as well.

To which I asked him what he meant. Ditto then gestured towards my chest and cleavage and my tight clothing, no words. In case you have a question, yes, I'm fat. So after I tilt my head, he finally continues and becomes flustered and tries to explain that suddenly his mom had breast cancer, so she has always been ashamed of showing herself at such places. I feel bad for his mom, I really do. Especially since my mom had cancer when I was younger. But back then, I really didn't understand what his mom having cancer had to do with me. He was trying to insinuate something, probably, but I cared too little to look into it.

There's probably a lot that I've forgotten, but that's the gist of it. Lucky I didn't have to deal with him for long, since he was supposed to only work during the peak season, plus after it became colder his roommate was driving the car to work (they usually used a bike), so he didn't have to carpool with me. Obviously tried to make a connection, but I'm happy he left me alone after going to his home county.

But yeah, that's the first story!

huge vent feel free to ignore

okay day is now becoming kinda bad day esp with everything that’s happened recently i haven’t worked in like two weeks bc quit old job to go to new job bc i got a car which is literally everything i worked for at old job like saving 550-650 per check so i could get a car and then i got in an accident so i have no car which is the whole reason i went to new job interview and got the job that o was so happy and so excited for and now i have no car so i got all used to having my own time and doing things in my own not asking if i can be dropped of here or if i can be brought there i could just do it on my own and i was able to see bf twice a week instead of once bc he wasn’t the only one driving all the way to me and back every week but now i get more info on new job just to find out my kinda ex friend at this point that works there told me ppl wear jewelry and have their nails and lashes done blah blah so i give myself a fresh set of acrylic nails this past weekend, i would have had lashes but that was the day of the accident just for the email to say no perfume/cologne, no jewelry whatsoever (rings of any sort, earrings, bracelets,watches) no makeup, no hair or eyelash extensions, no acrylic nails or nail polish, and above all that said that if you violate any part of the dress code you’ll be sent home and have training rescheduled for the next week which mine was already rescheduled bc the class i was supposed to be in on the 5th got too full so they moved me to the 12th now i have to remove a basically full fresh set of acrylics and take off all of my jewelry including my ring from my boyfriend which means the most to me i literally cried the one day i forgot to put it back on a couple weeks ago after washing my cat and then take out all 3 sets of earrings i have and possibly lose the 3rd holes entirely that i only got making sure with that friend that i would be able to wear at least just regular plain earrings and not have to take them out and she said yes they shouldn’t say anything so not only was i basically fully lied to but i have only a few days to figure out what to do with all my stuff idk if they’ll let me in with clear piercing retainers or not i’ll have to see how they look cause i’m not sure if i’ll have my hair up or not this is all so disappointing and upsetting with the fact that i’m pretty sure all week i’m gonna have to uber home too cause they’re doing it on a tuesday when my regular schedule has me off from sunday -tuesday and alternating wednesdays i’m happy i have the job and it’s a better working place than the last job i had especially since i know i won’t be doing 3diff ppls jobs and playing manager through the week but i wish the stupid accident didn’t happen and my stupid friend wasn’t so stupid if i can even call her a friend at this point we had this not rlly huge but idk falling out argument whatever that she complains how she feels like i don’t want hang out with her anymore or that i spend all my time with my bf who i’ve only been able to see 2-3 times a week IF IM LUCKY but normally once a week on tuesdays for over a year but she thinks i spend all my time and days off with him when he lives 45mins away from me or that i don’t wanna hang out with her when she leaves me on seen and delivered for weeks and at time and she thinks it’s like a hehe oopsies i did to that didn’t i like it’s so annoying and irritating i’ve actually fully stopped talking to her bc of it she said she was gonna be better about it and she hasn’t changed anything so i just stopped talking to her fully because it’s sad and annoying esp seeing as we were best friends since we were like 10-11 and now she just pretty much lies or pays so little attention and practically ignores me everything g is so upsetting recently i just wish i still had my car and never made that stupid appointment and that i had better friends when at this point my only friend is my boyfriend if he even really counts and maybe one other person but we can’t even really hang out now cause i don’t have a car anymore

like bro she lives in atlanta and is only in [city that's only a ~45min drive away from where we live] for school and she's obviously gonna go back to atlanta once the semester is over where she prefers to be which is ~2h30m away from where we live and you hate long car rides and she also works at a summer camp thing like. on top of the pretty significant incompatibilities with the other stuff i do not think this is gonna work out!'he may not be talking to me rn but i have home court advantage + i'm a committed person + we share a lot of the same values and interests, a lot more than the two of you + he said himself i've been more reasonable and understanding about his attachment issues more than anything else and told me we might spend time together again someday. like you're absolutely not gonna be able to keep him company once summer break rolls around and what do you think is gonna happen then?

i know i'm being an insane egotistical bitch right now but it will genuinely floor me of this works out. if it doesn't though there's no guarantee of any kind he's gonna come back to me he might just move on to someone else, unless he decides that i might be the only person who really, really wants to understand him and meet him halfway even if i've fucked up a lot. i don't think i am the only person but his statement about me being reasonable + idk how many people in his life have gone out of their way for him in the way i have for him, so it's up to him. i'm not gonna try to convince him one way or the other because being all "i'm the only person who's gonna tolerate/accept you" is textbook abuser bullshit and that's absolutely not what i believe! but from what i know, this very much just looks like him trying something different, and it can't last.

not to mention she like labels herself as emotionally unstable and aggressive in a heehee hahaha funny way not in a self-aware and i'm dedicated to working on my issues way like i doubt he won't deactivate on her and when she does there's absolutely no fucking way she's gonna accept that shit the way that i did. no fucking way. he'll pull away from her like he did me and she'll cut him out because her values seem to reflect that mentality, which is her right, i have absolutely nothing against this woman, it's just funny in a sad way how much this seems like recipe for another disaster. i don't actually want them to hurt each other or him to break her heart or her to break his but unless a miracle happens...

Studying from home, a new lifestyle during #Covid19 plague

Every library is closed, so are universities and you may be desperate because the library was the only place where you were able to focus.. I totally get you! But as someone who’ve spent most of its school years studying at home.. I can assure you that it’s totally fine! You just need a few techniques and organization skills and you’ll see that everything will be ok ! So here we go : 

Clean and declutter your study space. Store the books you don’t need anymore and only keep the essentials on your desk. I’ll share with you an old article I wrote on Tumblr about how to upgrade your workspace!

Block distractions : give your phone to your mom, use the Forest app, the Flipd app or just put it in airplane mode !

Cut the outside noise : a good playlist (my Lofi playlist for example :P), earplugs and the door shut can help you be in the « library » mood…

Make a study plan and try to stick to a routine.. It’s easy to lose track of time when you spend all of your days at home! This is why keeping a healthy routine and set hours for meals and breaks is really important!

Since it’s easier to get distracted at home, make sure to take more breaks than the usual (for example a 45min study session and a 10 min break).

If you have online lectures and a #studybuddy that you trust, why not split the work (for example you follow half of the lectures and your colleague the other half) and then sharing your notes? Also, why not creating a Google Drive with your colleagues so everyone shares their notes? The quarantine will be long so a little support from each other is more than welcomed!!

You can also have skype sessions with your colleagues to debate about a subject, or quiz each other so you don’t feel too alone and you keep track of your progress :)

You can also take the time to go deeper into the subjects you have to study and not only scratching the surface like you may be used to do ! This is also a great way to discover if you’re more interested in some subjects than others and who knows, maybe you’ll find a new passion !

If you feel like you can’t focus anymore then.. stop. It’s totally fine to not being able to study all day, especially when you have nothing else to do and when the deadlines are still far and unsure. So Take this time to enjoy your family, work on yourself, read a book, or start a new hobby.

Studygram

My birthday is next month, and I told a friend that part of me wants to plan something, but the rest is already disappointed in it and it hasn’t even happened yet because every time I plan something for my birthday, I wind up disappointed.

Birthdays are important to me, I can’t explain why. It’s one of the things I remember about people. There are people from elementary school whom I haven’t spoken to in years, but I know their birthdays. I haven’t written them on my calendar in ages, but I know them. Some of them weren’t ever actually friends of mine, I just. remember. birthdays. But it seems like my birthday specifically is never as important to anyone else as everyone’s birthdays are to me.

So my friend was like, you should have dinner in Cville [city where we used to live that’s an hour’s drive away now] so your friends can celebrate with you.

My dude. You’re currently my only friend, ok. I have like 3 other people I talk to that aren’t family, and they all have kids and can’t do dinner like that. For that matter, I have a mildly high needs toddler. He has trouble sleeping most nights, and nights when we’ve had dinner in Cville at my MIL’s and gotten home well after his normal bedtime are just a nightmare. So, IF we do dinner up there, it has to be at someone’s house, bc restaurants are like a 45min thing with this kid. Especially at “dinner” time. And then we have to be able to give him a bath and get him in the car so that he can go straight to bed when we get home. And, no, we can’t get a fucking babysitter for him bc this needy asshole won’t go to sleep for anyone but ME. (flattering, but dear god I need a break every now and then) Besides, who the fuck would babysit him, bc my mom won’t (and I don’t want her to, she has cataracts and can’t see, and I know she absolutely will NOT follow his usual bedtime routine and then all we’ll hear when we get home is “I don’t know what’s wrong with him, he just won’t go to sleep.” and various other hints that there’s something abnormal about my child).

ALSO, why the FUCK should I have to go out of my way and inconvenience MYSELF and MY FAMILY for MY OWN BIRTHDAY. If my “friends” gave a fuck about me, they’d make the hour drive down. Especially the ones without kids. Like, shit, it’s MY birthday, why do I have to do the work??

Damn.

I have been an unbelievably massive cunt. The universe kind of rocked my shit over thanksgiving break. I had all of this hatred building up in my heart. Why? idk. I don’t consider myself to be a hateful person, but I realized I was projecting my hate onto my sister. I think deep down I was unhappy with the fact that it seemed like my sister had it all together and I was the fuck up middle child. Yikes. Typing it out kind of makes me realize how true it feels. I don’t want to be like that. I want to have my shit together, make money moves, and live a fulfilling life in whatever shape that takes. I thought I was some master communicator who had it all figured out and could express my thoughts and feelings effortlessly and everyone around me were the ones struggling. Wrong. I’m an asshole with a giant ego. I’m stubborn and think the way I believe things is how things really are. Wrong.

My brother, sister, and I were in the car driving back from the airport and I was in a shit fucking mood for no reason. What did I have to be angry about? I just got back from a beautiful trip where I got to see my loved ones and be spoiled for 5 days. I got to sleep, eat a lot of turkey, and have no responsibilities. Yet, there I was in the car making myself miserable and everyone in the car as well. An argument ensues for the next 45min in the car brought on by yours truly. 

It wasn’t until afterwards that I realized how mature both my sister and especially my brother had gotten and I was somehow... left behind. What work had they been doing on themselves that I failed to catch on too? Where was my “communicate effectively” pamphlet? I claim to have this set of beliefs to treat everyone with love and kindness and yet I turned into something bitter and cruel. I was ugly. For the first time in a long time I felt ugly inside. I loved my friends better than I loved my own sister. I was not being a good sibling to her and I realized in turn I was not being a good person to myself. I came home and my room was just a disaster, my toilet was disgusting and dirty and I realized I was treating my environment and, in turn myself, like shit. 

I’ve been overhauling the place. I’m actually proud of myself. I still have a long way to go not just in the environment rebirth but in my own as well. I’m purging my clothes and my stuff that I don’t need and I actually got a lot accomplished yesterday. I’m reminding myself to be kind in this process, that I don’t and probably won’t get it all accomplished in one day. Taking bite size projects on and managing them accordingly is the secret. I looked at my room and realized I was becoming mom. My environment was fucking up my head and I couldn’t do it any more. So... I clean.

Lately I’ve been feeling more connected to the universe and incorporating more tarot into my life and I think I’m starting to see the connection of it all. The energy of the earth. The way I need to chill the fuck out and take a step back from life and idk maybe just hang out??? I need to focus on me and not go out and just relax a little. To breathe and remember I am a child of the universe.

so glad your doggo is home, i’ve been in a similair spot too (my pup ate pesticide).Also! Take your meds and hydrate <3❤️

oh my goodness anon, I hope your pupper was okay! that sounds so terrifying! 😭

(also this post does get into detail about my emotions during my pet's scare so possible TW, I think!!!)

what happened with Argos was the worst scare I've ever had with a pet. sure, I've had medical emergencies before, but cancer is not a kind diagnosis. it's not a kind disease, and it is not kind to your pet.

I was WRECKED. I was so anxious I had my sister drive us (45min or so) to the vet bc I knew I couldn't do it. halfway there I had a breakdown and I just held my dog in the front seat and sobbed my eyes out. I had to force myself to eat and felt on the verge of a panic attack all day.

it was just terrifying bc my dog withered so quickly. he lost so much weight and was so sickly I thought it was aggressive cancer with how sudden it all was. my vet was also so convinced that she basically offered my dog hospice care until I could get an ultrasound service.

couple this with an unempathetic SM and a scandalous walkout from your employment, I was over the edge.

I cried at the vets office while telling them what was going on. Argos wasn't really eating or drinking, I feared the worst.

we did a paw print painting, did final photos, and I had people say goodbyes and spend some time with him "before the vet." we literally all prepped and expected the worst diagnosis, and for Argos not to come home with me.

but then, the ultrasound was done, and no cancer was seen. then, blood work. and pretty much all was well aside from my Lord and savior, Dr. Ben Ben, noting borderline anemia.

I started laughing to the point of grateful tears, and poor Argos had gas all throughout the visit as Dr. Ben Ben suggested an ulcer and his erlichia be the culprit of why he was so sickly.

immediately after his B12 shot, Argos perked up and started acting almost normally. still pitiful, but with me.

I held him the entire way back home and just let him know I wasn't taking this time for granted. I've spent entire days with him and have just tried to come back from where I was taken with the whole situation.

this boi means the world to me, and to have our story have such a tragic and swift end hurt me more than anything. having to think I had to let him go was such a process and having to talk sk much about it also ground me down more than I thought possible.

I cannot say how amazed and grateful I am that my main vets are just kind of idiots (I say this as I have a complicated history with them, and this was my final straw) and that Argos just gave me the fright if my life.

as for my SM? she can choke.

thankfully things did pass and argos is so much better, but I have had to recover in my own ways.

oof. what a ramble. but I needed to say it!

thank you for checking in, anon. thankfully it was good news that I had to share!

I hope you are doing well and staying safe!

and here's a special boi for the troubles!

im so pissed no matter how much a boss preaches about the team and caring about us and shit ultimately my health matters less than a waxing salon getting an instagram ad

lemmi FUCKN RANT OK

heres the basic breakdown

covid cases in my city are in THOUSANDS

there is a strict stay at home mandate, even allowing police to stop people and question them about why they are out

in the small team at my job im the ONE (1) single person that takes the bus

i have to transit to work everyday for about 45min each way

i worked from home before when covid started for months but since sept weve been in office

there is NO REASON why i should be in office

idfk like im willing to download a productivity app to qualm any of my bosses fears of me slacking or doing whatever when im working from home

but he keeps making excuses of productivity decreasing and he has to work harder

but its totally reasonable if ONLY I WORKED FROM HOME; like the so called ‘sacrifices’ he would have to make would be minimal

like im the biggest risk to everyone in our company & probably in the building but no

i talked to him about the numbers and working from home like told him im on the bus with 20+ people coming on and off each day for an extended amount everyday

and there are always going to be a risk of people who dont follow regulations, even if i report half mask jenny on tuesday some different fuck does it on thrusday like i cant control the bus and bus drivers struggle with it too

there was one day leaving work i got on the bus and someone at the back like littered shit everywhere, jacket, moisturizer, mask, shaving razor, like some crazy bitch

so we were stuck there for an hour waiting for any cops to come by and for another bus for us all to get on

YOU can come into the office MY COWORKER can come in idfc BUT LET ME; THE PERSON EXPOSED TO POTENTIALLY 100 PEOPLE A WEEK, IN A HOTSPOT AREA, FOR 2HRS A DAY- S T A Y  H O M E

so this past few days hes just let me leave early to skip the 5 oclock rush and thats basically the only allowances i get

we talked and its v obvious if i stick to working from home or nothing at all im fired (meanwhile this fucking business 1000% cannot run without me, ive basically been doing 2.5 jobs and hed struggle to hire someone to fully replace me because of this and all the shit i do)

so i get to risk my health (and his and everyone elses) so i can do this very non essential job and come in to make social media posts, websites, edit videos and just everything digital and on the computer

so this is where it gets even more scummy-

just tuesday he texted me and coworker right after work finished ‘hey work from home wednesday’

i thought FUCKING FINALLY. THIS MAN CAME TO HIS SENSES

but wed came and no explaination, no ‘hey we are doing this until the stay at home mandate is lifted’, no nothing. he said we are back in office tomorrow

but then he messages me asking if i wanted thur fri off, i say no thanks and then he offers thur fri work from home and i accept

fucking what??? ?

then i realize THIS FUCK- there was probably a covid inspector or someone coming to our building wed to check on the businesses (theres at least 2 others that are running from office too)

so the only reason i got to work from home is so he can DODGE BEING  CHARGED WITH FORCING US TO WORK IN OFFICE

and now im thinking he prob offered today and tomorrow off because there was a possibility of them coming later too and im the greatest risk and liability

he could possibly excuse everyone else coming in because the office is distanced, they drive, they wear masks and regularly sanitize etc etc,

but there is NO REASON i should be in that building

i hope someone fucking comes in today and lectures him just reams him out even without me there please fucking hell

I feel blessed

4/6/2021 8:01 P.M.

November 2019 a few months before the COVID pandemic, I was working in Denver putting up the new Kiewit office building, while the country slowly fell apart, destroying it self from the inside out. In fact it wasn’t just the country, the whole world was in a state of panic. People rioting, People losing their jobs, People freaking out buying out all of the grocery stores, blaming everything on the president, Wild Fires around the West Coast, Wild Fires in Colorado, Historical Monuments destroyed and vandalized and many many more to mention. At one point in time as days went by after they set curfews all around the united states, I’ve started to think oh shit maybe this could be it, its the end of world. Everyday my commute to work took less and less time to get there, due to less or no more vehicles on the road. My drive went from 1hr 45mins to 45mins, felt nice only seeing 4-5 vehicles every 5 or 10 minutes, the roads were almost empty. While many felt the need to stay home and collect unemployment and stimulus checks, I felt blessed to keep my job. I was collecting my normal $912 a week check if I did my full 40 hours. At times way before all of this is this it for me? Go to work everyday and earn a paycheck and hopefully saved up enough money for bills and maybe a vacation once or twice a year. Drive far away from home to go to work and spend time with family on the weekends? Same routine over and over again, almost monotonous, at times I get bored at work, it just wasn’t appealing to me anymore. A few days later the stock market crashed, sending everything to lowest its ever been since 2008. To me that meant Spring Sale!

I had my whole life savings ready to blow, but that fear of a recession lingered the back of my mind. I didn’t want to make the mistake of investing it all at once and a recession hits ill lose everything, where would my family live. Tesla was at an all time low $360 a share, who wouldn't want to buy that? I mean I wanted too, but was I willing to risk it all? Fuck no I wasn’t man, I got a job, I have a family to feed. And they wanted to shut down the country, I mean what would happen if they did. Then I would lose my house, it would all be my fault while my family cant sleep in a nice warm bed. Long story short I purchase $15,000 worth of Tesla shares. In just a few days after the fear of market collapse the fear of the country collapsing. The stock market recovered way beyond 100%. I’ve just turned my $15,000 to $100,000.......months later I’ve come up to the decision to aim big which I thought was big. My goal was to make $250 a day and that was it and that I would be happy. make that much + 40 hours a week at work. But that wasn’t the case, become better and better at reading charts and doing my of research. I listened to discord investing groups and just combined and put everything together. Now $250 was no longer the goal, the goal was limitless. Why stay at home and be a key board warrior and complain about not enough stimulus check when you could be studying the stock market. I’ve been average about 4k-5k a day and that to me, that is a blessing.

Important!!!!

Please Read!!!

(This is about the effects of mental and emotional abuse. I ask you to read this, it may be long, but this is important.)

Let me start off my saying, she knows I'm making this post. She's okay with it and she's working through all of this right now. We stayed up all night discussing this.

-I was talking to my friend yesterday, she's the sweetest thing, she has social anxiety, but once you get to know her she's very outgoing. Anyway I we were just swapping stories, family stuff (She has a very large family) movies we'd seen recently, etc... and while we were on the subject of family, she sent me this one thing that just broke my heart. She hasn't eaten in like two days because she's tight on money and isn't able to buy any food. And this why....

"I was going to go grocery shopping yesterday but my mom asked me to come over and babysit so she could get her hair done and stuff. And I agreed, didn't really have the gas to drive that far but I can't tell her that. I used my last twenty for that."

I asked her why she didn't just tell her mom that, and she laughed like it was no big deal, but she has a lot of health issues and she really can't afford not to eat. She explained to me why she didn't refuse and I just got so mad.

"My mom gets upset if I bring that up, I think she got sick of taking me to the hospital growing up. 🤷🏼‍♀️ But if I tell my family no they get angry, and they cut me out of things sometimes."

I didn't know what she meant by that exactly so I asked and she elaborated.

"Well if I refuse to help them, sometimes they'll stop inviting me to family functions, you know cook out, bonfires, little things like that. Helping them is kind of how I stay in the loop."

I was appalled to learn this, I almost had no words. She made a small joke about it when I didn't respond. When I finally did I asked her if her mom did that to any of her other siblings (she has 11) and she told me no. And I tried to explain to her that none of that was okay and she sent me a laughing face and made a joke about, that's just how her family is with her, and how her mother used to say it was 'hard to love her' growing up, or how 'I can't wait until you're 18 so we can kick you out.'

She was telling me all this as if it was normal. I realized, she didn't really understand that this wasn't how a family should act. I asked if it ever bothers her sometimes to see that they only excluded her and she replied.

'Sometimes, if I see a group picture of them on Facebook or something and I'm the only one not there. I call sometimes to ask about it, sometimes it's because they forgot to tell me, or I guess my attitude was bad that week.'

She said that as if it was justifiable for them to do that. She honestly believes all of this is perfectly normal. She told me this last part after I asked if they ever help her when she needs it.

'Oh, lol no, they wouldn't drive 45mins out here. That's to much gas, and I'm okay to figure it out on my own.'

She bends over backwards for them, spends money she doesn't have to babysit all hours of the day, that's 7 little kids, alone. She drops her plans the minute they call because if she refuses, they cut her out of their life until they need her again. My breaking point was when I mentioned her being in the hospital not long ago. She was in there for three weeks, with kidney issues, she was literally dying. And I was like 'They at least came to visit you then, right' and I just cried at what she sent.

'...Well no...'

'But that's okay! I know they were really busy! And my mom doesn't like to drive long ways, it gives her anxiety, and my dad gets really tired after work, he always goes in early so he likes to go straight home afterwards. I don't mind, my teacher came to see me though, lol it was great she brought me a new sketch book to, I'll show you the pics I made sometime.'

The hospital is thirty minutes from her parents house. Her mom drives 12hrs to a different state for her business every month. Her dad works 5mins from the hospital. She was alone there for three weeks, dying in a hospital bed and they never even called her. Her mother told her she was dramatic, her high-school teacher cared more than her own parents, she's been graduated for almost 3yrs now, living on her own, with barely enough to even buy food because her parents kept telling her they didn't want her in their house.

That's not love. That is emotional and mental abuse. You don't make excuses for those kinds of people. If you see something like this, if you find your friend, loved one, or even yourself making excuses like this, they need to get those people out of their lives.

Love is selfless, love is sacrifice, love is patience and acceptance.

What you just read, how my friends' family treats her. That isn't love. And if your family treats you like that. Message me. I will help you figure out what is best for you. I may be a complete stranger but I promise you I will care for you a hell of a lot more than people like that.

🌲My Plan🌲

Hello again!

I will only be active on this blog Monday through Thursday and only during the weekend if necessary. Also, I wanted to make a point that I am not in any way BASHING or SLANDERING the National Parks Services or nature itself. I have a lot of respect for what they do and want to one day work for or with them. 

THAT is a lovely segway into my first step of my plan to finding the truth. I will actively be checking in on my local forest services for opportunities to volunteer. I know so little about them and I believe getting first-hand experience is crucial to figuring out what’s going on. As I stated, I will expose everything if there is anything to be exposed. Some people state they don’t want to loose their job, they’d get in trouble, etc. I don’t care, I will risk it all. These are human lives we’re saving here. 

Step two, research, research, research. Of course, I believe the best place to start is purchasing and reading all of the Missing 411 books by David Paulides, especially the Western one because that is where I live. I also am currently trying to wrap my head around current theories Redditor's have on the Missing 411 forum. I might make small essays about each one to summarize and source them in one, neat post. 

Step three, network. That’s right! I’m talking to you my fellow ... um ... do we have a name for this community? This is what I’m talking about! I need to know the lingo and baseline knowledge the community possesses. 

Lastly, I have never personally known anyone who has gone missing and/or disappeared in the forest, thank goodness. That being said, I have had personal experiences of weirdness in the forest, let me explain ...

Once, when I was camping with two galpals and my boxer, I heard what could only be described as someone peeing on our tent?? But ... for a really long time and over and over again. So, maybe not peeing. It also could have sounded like a lot on pine needles sliding off the tent. I can’t remember if i checked for that or not. It was loud enough that it woke me up in the middle of the night multiple times for both the two nights we were there. I didn’t or don’t recall if I heard any scuffling or animal noises before or after the sound. This has also happened to my mother on an entirely separate trip and forest. She told me the story before I told her mine and it was verbatim of what I said; sounded like something peeing on our tent for a long time. 

Something else that happens to me a lot ... I often hear footsteps outside my tent. You know, crunch crunch. Make your heart stop kind of horror movie stuff. As I recall, it only happens to me when I’m in a tent alone or with a younger sibling and I’m the only adult. Recently, like last weekend recently (9/28/20), I went on my first solo backpacking trip ever. It was a 45min drive to the mountains I’d be hiking and staying the night in. The trail was beautiful, a little warm and full of wildfire smoke, but amazing. I wasn’t entirely alone after hiking in 5 hours and settling down in a high desert meadow surrounded by pines. I could hear other young adults hollering every now and then at least a mile or so away from where I was as I never actually saw them. I was nestled in a small opening in the pines that surrounded the meadow as I didn’t feel safe camping exposed in the middle of it. I had hung my food and smelly items more then two semi-trucks away from my camp. It was at least 2 or 3am when I was half-awake to turn in around in my sleeping bag. Suddenly I heard two very distinct steps at least in a 6 foot vicinity of my tent (at least whatever it was knew how to social distance lmao). I, of course, froze and wouldn’t even let myself draw a breath as I listened to the deafening silence that followed. I was prepared to grab my pocket knife if it was a person, as I was just a single lady camping off the trail in the woods. It’s just ... there wasn’t anything else. Nothing happened after that. Obviously I’m fine because I’m here writing this now at home. It was just two, loud, crunchy, footsteps. Didn’t hear them come up or leave. I had to wonder, what the fuck was that? It’s happened to me more than once as I’ve stated above, this is just the most recent and vivid. 

That’s all I got today, thanks for reading if you did! Happy trails and stay safe!🌲

tagged by @ivshkovadrian , thank you so much lovely!!!♡♡

i’m tagging anyone who wants to join, just pretend i tagged you!

what is the color of your hairbrush? beige

name a food you never eat. shrimp

are you typically too cold or too warm? too cold

what were you doing 45min ago? taking my online class :(

what’s your favorite candy bar? not a fan of them but twix maybe?

have you ever been to a professional sports’ game? yeah i have been to the baseball games of my friends and rugby and basketball and volleyball

what is the last thing you said out loud? "don’t call me” to my mom lol i’m having a flu and she won’t leave me alone

what is your favorite ice cream? honey&almond, with chocolate and strawberry as close seconds

what was the last thing you had to drink? black tea

do you like your wallet? nope i was supposed to buy one before the pandemic but now that i don’t go out who cares lol

what was the last thing you ate? peanut butter oops :/

did you buy new clothes last weekend? nope, am i going to wear them on the way from my room to the kitchen lol yeah i’m bitter

what’s the last sporting event you watched? i think the basketball play of my friend’s bf

what is your favorite flavor of popcorn? i like the basic salty one. i tried only one other flavor which was sweety but idk what it was, i liked it though.

who is the last person you sent a text message to? my cousin, she’s also one of my best friends

ever been camping? no but i want to!!

do you take vitamins? no

do you regularly attend a place of worship? no.

do you have a tan? not really, i can’t have much of a tan even in the summer :( only my arms get tanned a bit

do you prefer Chinese or pizza? chinese

do you drink your soda with a straw? no

what color socks do you usually wear? black or white. though i have creative ones for home too lol

do you ever drive above the speed limit? i can’t even drive yet :(

what terrifies you? death and time

look to your left, what do you see? my desktop

what chore do you hate most? dish washing

what do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? nothing lol it’s cool

what’s your favorite soda? any soda really

do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive-through? go in

what’s your favorite number? 6, idk why though it doesn’t bring me luck or anything i guess i just “decided” it was my favorite in my childhood

who’s the last person you talked to? my mom

favorite cut of beef? i don’t eat beef

last song you listened to? my tunnels are long and dark these days, asaf avidan

last book you read? to live by yu hua

favorite day of the week? saturday

can you say the alphabet backwards? no is that a thing ahahsjdh

how do you like your coffee? sugar-free with or without milk it changes

favorite pair of shoes? my boots, they’re just straight up black boots

time you normally get up? it changes a lot but lately it’s around 12am

what do you prefer: sunrises or sunsets? sunsets

how many blankets on your bed? i use quilts

describe your kitchen at the moment. quiet, clean since i just cleaned it up voluntarily (can you believe???) and tea water still boiling

do you have a favorite alcoholic drink? i don’t like heavy drinks in taste but i’ll go with it. though i like sweet wines and melon liqueur, especially one that my mom bought once that i can’t recall the name of

do you play cards? yeah

what color is your car? i don’t have one 

can you change a tire? nope

your favorite state? ??? 

favorite job you’ve had? last summer i worked as an intern in an electronic card company and it was fun i guess

week in the life of a med student: tuesday

5:45am: Wake up. I am noooot a morning person. Also, I’ve been aiming for 8 hours of sleep (yes, I know that that probably won’t be achievable once I hit clinical years), and I only got 7 at most last night. Tuesdays are always tiring because of band on Monday night.

6:30am: Go to uni, same way as yesterday (drive to train station and then take public transport from there).

8:00am: Immunology lectures. We have two 45min lectures with a 15min break in between. Today, the two lectures are both on T-cell (a type of immune system cell) development and activation, and they are given by two different lecturers. There are a lot of details to take in and my brain is a bit too tired. Between lectures, I look at my schedule and realise that I only have two lectures in the afternoon rather than three, and get super excited.

9:45am: Morning lectures are over, so I go over to the children’s hospital, where I do some volunteer research work. I polish off a paper that I’ve been working on with a couple of coworkers and send it off to our supervisor.

11am: I reheat my lunch (leftover fish and rice from last night’s dinner) and munch on it while slowly working through Anki flashcards at my hospital desk.

12pm: Physiology lectures. Today, the lectures are on physiology of the central nervous system, such as how the parts of the brain work together to help us function in everyday life.

1:45pm: Get on the bus to start heading home- I’m still sleepy! A classmate sits next to me on the bus and I tell her that I plan to get a Krispy Kreme on my way home. She plans to get churros.

~2:30pm: Get a jam doughnut from Krispy Kreme on my way home from the train station. I eat it when I get home.

~3pm: 20min nap.

3:20pm: Start working on making Anki flashcards out of my notes. I have a penchant for procrastinating, though, so I alternate between making flashcards, looking at random stuff on the Internet, and writing yesterday’s Tumblr post.

6pm: Shower.

~6:30pm: Get back to finishing off making new flashcards and start learning the flashcards that I just made.

~7pm: Dinner. Tonight’s dinner is chicken kiev, potatoes, and steamed vegetables.

~7:30pm: Get back to my weird studying/procrastinating hybrid combo.

9:40pm: Suddenly remember that I have a mindfulness meditation on my to-do list for the day.

9:50pm: Finish off the last of the Anki new cards and do the mindfulness meditation.

10pm: Bed.