After not writing a goddamn thing for the first half of the month (also the 2nd half of last month shhh) I cranked out 8.5k today and got back on track to meet my 18k camp nano goal 💪 perhaps in the morning I'll share a little snippet to celebrate 😌 but for now rest

So I’ll Take The Night Shift

A/N:  Hello there, I’ve missed you. @allaboardthereadingrailroad thanks for staying on my ass until I finished this. 

Warnings: PTSD, mild horror. semi-dub con(between adults, they're both 18!+), drug use

Pairing: Steve Harrington x Plus Sized! Reader

Summary: Y/N Henderson cant see herself getting over the horrific events that happened after Halloween anytime soon, and finds companionship in the least likely of places. Set after Season Two, Pre Season 3. 

“Youre young, attractive. You’ve got chemistry, history. Plus, the real shit. Shared Trauma”- Murray Bowman

Nobody talks about what it means to be really scared. They never mention the gut twisting, palm sweating adrenaline rush that comes with near death in your books. 

No, In the books it's always bravery, heroism. 

You fight the dragon, and kiss the prince. 

They never describe the inbetween. About throwing up on your shoes before you battle the dragon, about washing blood and dust and chunks of flesh out of your hair after the prince decides you're really not all that kissable. 

About the bodies, bodies of the people who don't make it to the end. Slain knights don't die in shiny silver armor. They die screaming, and the carnage that's left…it sticks. 

Bob died gurgling, choking on his own blood. The light left his eyes, but the terror didnt. The screams that echo, you can't differentiate them. Were they Joyce Byers’? Or were they more primordial, inhumane and monstrous. Screeching really, nails on a chalkboard, like nothing you’ve ever heard. 

“Y/N” 

“Y/N, Run!” 

“Miss Henderson!” 

You come too with a gasp, one that rips raw from your throat. Eyes snapping open and body jerking awake. 

The flourescent lights of the classroom are too bright, glaringly and painfully so and you reach up, cupping at your eyes with cold, damp fingers . You're spinning, reality slamming into you like a mac truck. 

You hadn't even realized you’d fallen asleep, you’d only closed your heavy eyes for a moment, just to rest them- 

Fuck. 

Oh no

“Miss Henderson,” Starts your fourth period Math teacher, Mr. Llewyn “I suggest you find another place to get your beauty sleep in. Or did you forget that this is going to be on the Final on Friday?” 

The class erupts into a chorus of giggles, taunts and whispers and your face burns bright and hot as you readjust in the hard plastic seat, wishing you could sink through it. Through the linoleum floor and down into the earth's core. 

“Sorry, I um- sorry” you stutter, sounding as stupid as you feel. “I’m sorry, what page are we on?”

“We’re on page 394, keep up. I won't repeat myself so you're just going to have to-” Mr. Llewyn drones on, is a total dick as usual. You wonder if he’d hit that flash he hides in his desk extra hard before he started lecturing.

It's the Wednesday(you’re pretty sure?) before Winter Break, everyones so involved with themself, and their holiday plans that you and your dramatic mid class nap aren't really on their roster, a small blip not worth holding their attention past a laugh. Pulled back by the writing on the chalkboard and the functions of angles and their calculations, if they wanted to pass and graduate in May.

Almost everyone, that is. 

A pair of carob eyes stay on you for longer, and even though he’s seated three rows over, it’s heavy. Questioning. Knowing. 

You bite the inside of your cheek, hard. 

Steve Harrington had never noticed you before, and you really wish he’d go back to pretending you didn't exist. 

-------

You’re fine, 

You reassure yourself as you stand in the Hawkins High girls bathroom. Blue tile, mold from the 60’s. A row of empty bathroom stalls and a large, long mirror, in which you stare at your reflection. 

Leaning over the porcelain sink, you swallow around nothing. Breathing deep. 

We’re  fine.

Everyone says so. 

The kids, Dustin and his friends who seem to be well adjusted to the interdimensional underworld of Hawkins. You think that’s, like, normal. They couldn't really gauge the level of danger, adolescent brains and all that. 

It’s the adults, and their nonchalance that you cant wrap your mind around.  Sheriff Hopper can't pass his own breathalyzer, but he’s still head of the Town's police force. Joyce Byers is- well Joyce Byers, eternally burnt out, but the fact that they’re so unphased is fucking weird. It’s A-Okay-Kiddo. Under control. It’s in the Government Spooks hands now. 

You’d never really liked Nancy Wheeler. Not in a hateful way, but in the ‘we've been forced together for far too long and never really became friends, way’. You’d never forgive her for stealing the pink cowboy hat that you quite obviously yours at Dustin's ninth birthday. But Nancy had made it a personal goal of hers to butt in on you at every turn. “Are you okay? How are you feeling. I’m here if- blah, blah, blah” 

It’s all going to be fine.

The doctor who had removed your stitches had grinned as he told you of the fact. Healed perfectly, probably wouldn't even scar if you used that special cream and kept it hydrated. 

You run your ring finger over the outer corner of your eyes to collect any smudged mascara and straighten your thick corduroy jacket. 

The lights flicker, the wires in this school are ancient. And electricians nightmare. 

Sirens blare and the emergency lights flash in warning, soaking everything in red. 

You have the urge to slam your fist into the mirror, if only to shatter the girl who stares back. She shouldn't look so calm, she should look shard sharp and fragmented, the way you feel. 

Instead you shrug your book bag back onto your shoulder- the bathroom door slamming closed behind you. Mirror intact. 

You’re not fine.  

-------------

You have to dodge Nancy in the parking lot, of course.  You pretend not to hear her call your name, her fingers interlaced with Jonathen Byers’ as they stand by his hunk of junk. You power walk right by all of, that, straight towards the borrowed minivan you drive to school. 

Its cold, dirty slush covering the ground, the poorly paved school lot’s an ice rink. You, clumsy as all fuck, shouldn’t be allowed to walk in it, much less drive in it. But as previously stated, Hopper was a shit Sheriff and you somehow had acquired a License even though you had no business having one. 

A horn blairs,cursing in the distance and you perk up, keys in Vans lock. Across the lot, there's a commotion- a fender bender no doubt. Shaking your head and climbing behind the wheel, you're just glad it wasn't you. 

It’s not til’ your pulling out, in the line of cars eager to get to the exit but stuck in the one lane that leads to it, that you spot a familiar burgundy BMW. Steve looks stressed, hand pushing through his thick hair as he inspects the damage he’d done to a shitty Toyota. He hadn't even slipped on the slick pavement- no. Steve’s car is still mostly in it’s parking spot- he’d backed out into traffic. 

Your mouth quirks downward. That's not like him…

Honk

Holding up the line is a big no, no. That fact doesn't stop you from rolling down the window and flipping the person behind you the bird. 

Asshole. 

Fiddling with the radio, you land on a rhythmic Blondie song and concentrate on the road and not totaling your Aunt’s car. 

What did you know about Steve Harrington anyway?

--------

Ever since the Winter Ball, Dustin has spent way too much time in the bathroom. 

Aunt Claudia smiles, laughs it off. It’s just him going through adolescence, you had been even worse. You nod, but secretly wonder if it’s adolescence he’s going through or a complete and total psychotic break, because if so. Same. 

No. Dustin’s sunshine contained; he wasn't lying when he told you that he was okay. Splendid even, spending more time than usual out of the house- he told his mom that he was at Mikes, or Lucas, or the Byers’ but really you know that him and his friends conjugate deep in the woods now, at Hoppers Cabin. Where Eleven is, his long lost friend who just so happened to have telepathic powers. 

You cover your wincing face with the hardback novel that you'd been buried in lately. 

Or at least tried to be. It was kind of hard to immerse yourself in the life of Jesse Reeves and her encounters with the Vampire Lestat. You’d been waiting for this book for over two years, and the words on the page were just that. Words. Flat, black ink scribbles on white parchment. You couldn't fall into it the imaginary world that you so desperately longed to escape into. 

No. 

You were stuck here. 

Blood didn't feel sticky, Mrs.Rice. It felt hot and thin. Dying didn't look like poetry, wasn't pretty. It wasn't even tragic. 

It was just final. 

“This colorful challenger to Sir Gawain turns out to be Sir Bertikal in Disguise”  Alex Trebek’s voice rings out from the television, you curled up on the couch and Aunt Claudia in her recliner. 

“Who is The Green Knight” You call out, finally giving up on your book and closing with a thump. 

The woman on the TV Echos your answer, earning her the daily double and Aunt Claudia gives an impressed little hum. 

“I’m gonna head up to bed” you inform her, standing and stretching your arms above your head.

“It’s only eight” She protests “Is it school? I know finals have not been easy- and graduations right around the corner. I remember how stressful it was, crazy since I'm ancient, I know. But it will be over before you know it, honey pie” 

“No, it’s not Finals- I mean those have been a Bi-” You check yourself when she gives you the side eye “B-Hard time” 

“Nice save. So if it's not school, what is it? Your leg giving you trouble? Doctor Morris was clear about calling if you're still in any pain-” 

Shrugging it off, you avoid the conversation entirely. You’d essentially signed your soul over to the US Government, those confidentiality waivers were no joke. 

Even if they hadn't made you swear not to tell anyone, you don't think you would have told her anyway. Aunt Claudia had always lived in this bubble, eternally happy. Ever optimistic.

You wonder if she would be so jolly if she knew Mews, her beloved orange tabby, had gotten eaten by a portal jumping alien monster that Dustin had tried to domesticate. 

No. She could have her bubble, and you’d continue to envy her for it. 

----------

It takes threatening Dustin, the promise of physically fighting him and knocking a couple of his brand new pearls straight out of his mouth, for him to let you have the bathroom. 

The showers boiling hot and you stand under the spray until your skins raw and numb, steam filling the room in thick plumes. 

“What’s he doing?”

“Expanding the menu”

A thick near palpable layer of fog veils the junkyard, making it hard to see out of the thin slots in the jimmy rigged armored bus. Your heart rushes in your ears. So loud it's hard to hear the screams of the kids behind you; Dustin, Lucas and Max hollering and hooting. Your own screams are trapped tight in your chest, horror stuck as the bus begins to quake, attacked at all sides, a tin can being bent in. There's a body, pressed against yours, a voice, deeper than the kids- 

“Move! Hold the Door-” 

This is it. This is how you die. A long limb breaks though the barricaded window, sinew and talloned and your body catches up with your brain, your lungs finally releasing pressure, it leaves your throat high pitched and terrified. 

The rusty, scavenged lead pipe in your hands feels paper light. 

What can it do against that?

What can it do, when the creature that scales the roof of the bus opens its face? Snarls like nothing you've ever heard?

You swing the pipe at it anyway.

---------------

The door to your bedroom is pushed open, no preamble-

“Knock much?” You chide at the curly haired boy standing in your doorway, dressed in his He-Man pajamas. 

“I just wanted to say goodnight, check on you, you know?” His tone feels all wrong, too old and too young at once. “See if you need anything. A chocolate milk?”

“Consider me checked on” 

It was sweet, the concern your cousin had shown for you in the past few weeks. Or at least it would've been if it wasn't so annoying. You know why he's there. Know that a part of him, if only to ease your mind, wants to grab his sleeping bag and set up camp on your hardwood floor, as he had in those first few nights after-  

You pretend to ignore the way his gaze focuses on your left calf. A physical reminder of that night, of the lab. Of the carnage. 

You hate it, too. 

Humoring him, you allow him to bring you a cup of overly sweet chocolate milk.

----------

You used to love to sleep, would waste hours of free time in bed. Dreaming, in any of its forms, was your favorite pastime, and you were good at it. Late to school in the mornings, snoozing in the back room at work on your break.  Sleep eluded you now, the treacherous bastard. Slipped through your fingers like sand, on the good nights. 

And on the bad ones, your dreams had teeth. 

Dustin could only endure the hard wood of your floor for so long, and even then- he didn't feel the way that you did. It was an adventure for him and his friends. A D&D campaign that they won, gained back a party member at that. 

There was no sense of loss for them.

There's a tap at your window, a familiar rhythm. 

The only person that seemed to be as not okay as you were was-

“Y/N? Hurry, I’m freezing my balls off out here” 

Steve Harrington was the last person you ever thought you'd form any kind of bond with, and yet the two of you seemed drawn to each other since that night, since the junkyard. You’d clutched at each other, down in the tunnels. Held on to one and other as you accepted your mortality- 

Turns out it's a hard cord to sever.

“Shh, my aunt’s a light sleeper you maniac” you hiss at him as you let him in, moving aside as he cambers through your window. 

“Not really- she slept through me busting ass the other night” He huffs, as if he knows. And maybe he does 

Maybe that's what these nightly sleepovers had done. 

The cold radiates off of his body, though he’s bundled in a pair of thick sweatpants and a dark blue ‘Hawkins Tigers’ hoodie. It will never get any less surreal, seeing him in your room. Tall and lanky, he almost looks out of place among your sage green walls. The low light from the old stained glass floral lamp on your vanity casting him in a fuzzy glow. 

“You have snow in your hair” you grin, reaching up to brush the fat fluffy flakes away from his chestnut hair. This is what you do now; have Steve ‘The Hair’ Harrington over- casually touch him. 

“Yeah, it’s getting pretty bad out there. I still parked down the street, just to be safe” He juts his thumb in the direction of his car, probably parked under the willow near the stop sign. 

“Dustin would have a coronary if he knew you were coming over and not playing Sega with him” you snort, “Take off your shoes, I actually like that rug” 

“Roger, roger” 

It goes how it usually does, the two of you falling into a routine that for all intents and purposes shouldn't exist, it borders on the line of awkward, you don't know if that will ever change. But you can handle awkward, can handle the fact that he still feels like a foreign object in your bed. When the two of you talk about school, your story lines barely overlap.  

The unspoken rule, that you only exist here, in your room. Among the pillows and in between the cluttered bookshelves. 

Usually, you’ll talk about things that would get you locked up in a padded cell, for hours. Bleed away hours, whispering- about the laboratory. About the Demogorgen’s- Steve understands what blood feels like. He isn't a stranger to fear, the kind they just can't get right in books. 

Tonight, he tells you he has a plan. 

The last time Steve had a plan it included a nail spiked baseball bat. 

“I swiped them from my mom, she won't even notice. Her bathroom cabinets overflowing” He holds up a little orange pill bottle with, almost triumphantly. 

“What are they?” your inquiry is hesitant as you eye him. A joint every now and then? Fine. Getting black out at an after homecoming party, okay. Random pharmaceuticals from Steves moms stash?...

“Xanax” he answers, nonchalant as ever before reading off the warnings label. Dizziness. Addiction. Risk of Overdose- “Drowsiness, Bingo. I for one, would like to actually get some sleep tonight”

You, are still not completely sold, and voice as much. 

“Look, my mom pops these like candy, and we’ll only take the suggested amount” He explains, cucumber cool and convincing. 

“Are you trying to peer pressure me?” you try to keep it serious, you really do. 

“Maybe. Why? Is it working?” he’s too charming for his own good. You’d always heard people say that about him, said charm had never been turned on you before 

You’d survived literal hell on earth. 

What could one little pill hurt? 

The two of you share a grin, he shakes out two tiny off white tablets and hands you one, you take them with the chocolate milk that Dustin had left on your vanity.

-----------------

Being with Steve feels like dreaming, with or without drugs involved. 

The two of you lie side by side, pressed against each other; shoulders, hips, he’d chuckled earlier and pulled your leg over both of his, your thick thigh blanketing his. 

The glow in the dark stars on your ceiling swirl, and you trace the made up constellations with your eyes as Steve begins to trace the soft supple skin of your leg with his fingers. 

“Does it still hurt?” His fingertips ghost over your calf. Over the long, mostly healed gash. He asks it, alot. Everyone does. 

You never know how to answer them. Even though its clean, stitches removed, you can still feel the jagged gate digging into your skin. Can still hear the sirens. Can still see the flickering lights of the dying Laboratory. 

“Kinda” you answer instead and Steve nods like he gets it.

And maybe he does. 

“I can't believe we're alive” Steve always says the things you're too scared to. He gives voice to the thoughts in your head.

You reach for his hand, the one that's creeping dangerously high up on your thigh, playing with the pink hem of your too short pajama shorts. Link his fingers with your own. 

“”Do you ever think about why? Why we’re alive, like, we all should be dead. Realistically, we shouldt have made it outta there. And its- like- is is it fate? Was it just luck? I know we've talked about it before but I really…I don't know. Anything, Anymore” you babble admittance, holding Steves hand, all of the panic and tear inducing fear that came with the subject gone, 

It’s beyond odd. 

Steve squeezes your hand “I got in an accident today” 

“Awe, I saw. I'm sorry” you cajole, head turning so you can look at him, lip jutted out “You have good insurance, right?”

“Yeah, my insurance is fine” he huffs out what might be a laugh “I ugh, thought I saw something in my rearview. I mean I obviously didn't, but yeah. I wasn't paying attention and-” He makes overly animated crashing sounds with his mouth. 

You don't laugh. 

“I see things too. Sometimes” 

It sits in the air. A realization. An acknowledgement- a partnership. A lifeline. Its hangs about, settles into your bones. 

Turnes electric in your veins. 

You let Steves had wander between your legs. 

This was inevitable, you think as he reaches over, pressing his too plush lips to yours. Unbelievable, but coming on like a freight train. 

Whatever the two of you had gone through that night had made you both magnetic, opposite poles forever attracted to each other. 

“Steve” you whisper, head floating. The drugs. Him. You can't think straight and you let out a delighted giggle at the prospect. No more thinking straight. No more thinking, 

He buries his head in your neck, his breath coming out in short scorching pants as he works you over through the front of your panties “Shh, just feel good. I can make you feel good” 

Hips shifting, following his movements, you know that maybe you shouldn't be doing this. Maybe your first time with Steve, your first time doing anything like this at all, shouldn't be in a Xanax induced haze but…you just want to feel something. Something good. 

Steve is good and sweet and soft as he peels you out of your pajama bottoms, his big brown eyes locked with yours as he helps you wiggle out of your panties. You feel bare, exposed, close your thighs in embarrassment when comments on how cute the little white bow is. 

“It’s okay, this is gonna feel really good. I promise” 

The gutted sound he makes when he drags his fingers over your lips spears you right the the gut, when he whispers to you about how wet you are, you mimic that sound right back at him. 

There's a lot the books you'd always escaped in didn't get quite right. 

You're fully unprepared when Steve presses in, knuckle deep. When he fucks you, with his fingers. Slow, playful and then something more.

“Holy fuck” you gasp, and he coos at you. Kissing at your chin as you wrap your arms around his shoulders. Closer. More. He’s already on top of you, but it doesn't feel like nearly enough.

“There you go” He soothes, as you ride his fingers. Deeper. Faster. 

“Please, Steve” you whine quietly. Overwhelmed, your entire groin burning something sweet and painful. 

You'd be embarrassed of the sounds later, of the wet sloshing and teeth clattering. 

You grab his free hand, the one that had been doing a number under your sweater and press it to your mouth. You need help being quiet. It's okay. Steve always helps. 

His fingers curl, and that it. That’s it. 

You gasp around the warm flesh of his hand, shaking. Seizing. Almost blacking out as your pussy sucks his fingers in deep, spasming around them tight as a vice. 

It’s bliss. You understand why they call it the petite mort now. 

The small death. 

You’d look death in the face before and yeah, it was a lot like this. All consuming. Mind warping.

He stays on top of you, a glorified weighted blanket. Protection. Keeping your body safe within his own. You’re not okay, but neither is Steve. And in the dark, intertwined, it's not such a terrifying thought.

When you fall into a dreamless slumber, it's all night. The first full night of sleep you’d had since November. 

So, your girl took a year long hiatus but I’m back! Hoping to post more Stranger Things as the season 4 premiere date inches closer. 

Reiner Braun x Fem! Reader: Angst

It all happened to quick...

One moment your all coming back from saving Ymir, Krista, Bertholdt and your boyfriend Reiner. You just wanted to check up on your boyfriend, you didn't know how things would end.

"I'm the armored titan and he's the colossal titan" Reiner spoke out like it was nothing look at you and Eren with a strong gaze "you're just tired, aren't you?" Eren placed a hand onto Reiners shoulder inspecting his face for any signs of tiredness "Right, Bertholdt. You've been through hmmm t so much, it's making you crazy!" Turning his direction towards the said brunette "Yeah, Reiner come on making a joke like that isn't funny!" You spoke out, a thin layer of fearful sweat starting to coat your body "Y-Yeah, Reiner's just really tired" Bertholdt stuttered out, taking a step back away from them Eren spoke "Besides, If you were really the Armored Titian that wants to destroy humanity....why would you be asking me this in the first place? What did you think would happen? That I'd nod and say 'sure let's go?'" Reiner just stood there looking at the two of you with wide eyes and a open jaw "Oh right. That's right. What the hell was I thinking?" Reiner finally mumbled out "Have I really gone crazy?"

Taking a step toward him the big blonde you speak out "Reiner, come on let's go home. You obviously need some rest, so why don't we go back together?" Looking at him expectantly, with hopeful eyes. Hoping this was all a bad joke, that your precious Reiner wasn't actually a man killing titan wanting to wipe what's left of humanity.

In the harsh wind the flag that was held up by a skinny stick finally breaks. Jumping at the expectancy you and Eren look towards where the flag use to stand tall and proud. Even if it was beaten and torn. Sunshine breaking through the clouds sets the scenery for change "I see... that's it. I've been here too long for my own good." A serious Reiner looks down at the ground "Its been three long years... We were just kids... we didnt know anything. If only I never knew that there were people like this...I... wouldn't have become....such a half assed piece of shit!" Tears began to form in his eye, wanting to do nothing more than help the one you love you tried making your way over to Reiner. Hand making it's way to caress his cheek, but before you could get the change Reiner slapped it away pushing you back with such force your butt landed on the ground. "It's too late now.... I don't know what's right anymore. But the only choice for me now.... is to face the consequences of my actions...and as a warrior...fulfill my duty to the bitter end!" Taking his arm out of the makeshift sleeve Krista made for him.

Showing his wounded arm starting to heal itself. Bertholdt coming to his side "Reiner! Are we doing it?! Now?! Right here?!" Screaming out just in case his friend was too absorbed in his own thoughts to hear him "yeah.. we settle this.. right here, right now!" Reiner replied back simply, running towards the edge of the wall. Before he could even jump Mikasa came to put an end to things, using her ODM gear to articulate her way to cut his hand off as well as cut his other arm badly. Making her way to Bertholdt she cut at his throat trying to kill him "EREN, Y/N. RUN!" she screamed out standing over Bertholdt with her blade ready "MIKASA WATCH OUT!!" You scream from your position on the ground, warning her about her other enemy. It was too late, he got elbowed off of Bertholdt by Reiner and off the wall, thankfully she had her ODM gear to grapple onto the side of the wall before the was too far away from them "Bertholdt!" Reiner screamed out indicating for his friend to transform "REINER!" reaching your hand out to try to stop your lover from making this mistake, hearing the others telling you two to run from them..

But it was too late, the impact and pressure from both of their transformations was blowing you all away from them, before you could get too far the armored titan took ahold of you..

Waking up in high in a tree was not the best or most expected way, sitting up way to fast a headache came over you. Holding your head for a few seconds you look up to see a legless and armless Ymir sitting right infront of you, and behind her a passed out Eren with no limbs at all "Oh my lord! Are you two alright!?" You asked reaching out to them "I mean, I've clearly been in better shape but I'm working on it. You on the other hand, you're not looking too hot, Y/n" A sarcastic Ymir comments sending you a smirk "Me-? I fell kin-" you cut yourself off turning your focus onto the men standing on the other tree, acting all high and mighty "Good Morning, Princess" Reiner spoke out, thick arms crossed over his chest "Reiner-!" You stand up too quickly almost losing your balence until Ymir grabs you by the ankle to keep you steady, you shoot you a thankful smile as she nods in return. Turning your rage to your boyfriend you scream out "Reiner, what the hell is going on?!" Fist clenching at your sides "What's going on our little Y/n, is that Reiner and Bertholdt are little traitors" eyes widening at the freckled brunettes statement "Ymir, come on stop joking this is Reiner and Bertholdt were talk-" suddenly the rush of memories fill your brain up as you think about what happened before you woke up here "Y/n, I'm sorry to tell you this but-" "YOU'RE SORRY?! HOW CAN YOU BE SORRY YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE YOU KILLED AND FOR WHAT?? JUST CAUSE?! IT WAS YOU THAT DAY WALL MARIA WAS BREACHED!!"

"Hey, Y/n. What's got you so down?" Reiner comes walking up to you when you were alone at dinner "Ah nothing, I guess I was lost in my own head." You dryly chuckle and look to the side to keep your gaze away from his intruding eyes "Come on, I'm sure talking about it would help." Looking into his eyes you could see how sincere he was about wanting to listen and help you with whatever you were going through "I guess, if it's not too much of a burden on you." Grabbing your hands into his much bigger ones Reiner took your hands and led them to his lips giving them a sweet kiss "I'd do anything for you, Y/n"

At the time it was a sweet gesture, not only showing his love and loyalty to you but giving you a new reason to keep on pushing in this life. Now it's a bittersweet memory, thoughts of how he betrayed you swarming your mind, making you feel dizzy "my family... I told you how they were killed that day, I told you how when the titans breached the wall a huge chunk of rock trapped them in the house, and the only thing I could do was watch as my friends and family were eaten right infront of my eyes.... that day I lost everything, I had to steal to get food, I wore the same clothes every single day, my life was a living hell after that day and the only reason all that happened....Was because of you!" Erratic breathing and Ymir's tight hold on your ankle was your only thing connecting you to the real world "I know I didn't have it the worst, there is definitely people who have it worse than me. But to know all this time I've been living in a imagined paradise with the same person responsible for my family's death-" Clasping your hand over your mouth to stop any liquid from spilling out , squatting on the thick branch feeling Ymirs hand caress gentle circles on your back "Do you find some sick joke in all of this?! You bastard!! Do you not have any remorse for the people you've killed?! Men, Women, Children?!!" Tears spilling out of your eyes like a waterfall "You must be real happy with yourself knowing you have mankind hanging off of a thread!" Words just came spilling out of your mouth, the hatred for the titans that killed your life finally being released after years and years of keeping it in "I had no choice!!" Reiner shut you up before you could get another word in "how laughable-" you gave a raspy, dry chuckle to his defensiveness

"Y/n, don't trust to easily. You never know how people actually are." Your father spoke, a frown placed on his face "Awe come on pops, don't worry about me when you should worry about not getting anymore wrinkles on that face! Come on smilee" you gave a cheeky grin using your index fingers to lift your smile up more

"Was I just your pawn in all of this? Was I just someone you could use? Was everything a lie?" Before he could answer any of those questions a green smoke flare grabbed everyone attention "The Survey Corp is already here?!" Bertholdt shouted out looking at Reiner for guidance "We take them and go" Using his ODM gear he knocked you out and took both you and Eren, zipping away from the Survey Corp.

In the end, you arrived back home with Mikasa, Eren, Armin and the others after a long and devastating fight. Your questions were never answered and your heart would forever be broken.

THAT WAS A SUPER ASS ENDING BUT I HOPED YOU ENJOY REINER IS SO SEXY I HAVE TO DO SCHOOL WORK CAUSE I PUT IT OFF FOR THE PAST FEW HOURS TO WRITE THIS ANYWAYS REINER IS SEXY 🤰🏽🤰🏽🛐

-Kaii

Agents of SHIELD and The 100 both ended this year, with 7 seasons.

In the 7th season of The 100:

a lot of fans couldnt wait for it to be over to be freed from the 100 hell

nothing made sense. literally none of it. what even was the point?

the last war they were hyping up for the entire season lasted approximately 2 minutes long

kept the same villain from the previous season (even though they changed the actor) and for some reason refused to kill him until the very end? it was almost comical how many times he ALMOST died

the characters were miserable the entire time and the actors just seem completely checked out. not really their fault because...

terrible writing. its like they had no idea how to write for their own characters, or were just high the whole time. probably both.

wasted an entire episode on a backdoor pilot that most people wont even watch if it gets picked up. even brought the main character from the pilot on in the series finale just to really try to get people to watch it

two characters who had no scenes prior and no chemistry (hope and jordan) got randomly put together in like two episodes bc why tf not

one of the main leads (bob morley), a fan favorite who was around since the pilot, was unavailable for a huge chunk of the season. when he finally came back, he was written wildly out of character and joined a cult, was killed off before the end of the season by the other main lead, for a book she didnt even take (yes, this was exactly as stupid as it sounds). so he basically died for nothing. so did other fan favorite gabriel. fun times.

oh bellamy also died thinking everyone he loved hated him and never got to have a legit reunion with his sister, although his relationship with her was one of the main storylines from the very beginning of the show. but who cares about sibling relationships amirite? 

most of them kinda get to be happy in the end though so...i guess thats a plus? they’re together at least, i guess? they’re out of their misery and so are we now that this show is finally over

In the 7th season of AoS:

universally looked at as a great season by fans and critics who were all legitimately sad it was ending

storylines actually got wrapped up

they introduced time travel in a way that was fun and fresh, and made sense to the story

relevance in their stories to things currently going on in the world, even though they filmed it over a year ago

again, it was FUN. the characters went through hell but they were also allowed to have fun. you could tell the actors had a blast filming it. this transferred to screen- the acting was top notch by everyone the whole way through

a ton of throwbacks to previous storylines

brought back past characters, even a pretty popular one from another mcu show who got royally screwed over by the movies

a love interest (the aforementioned daniel sousa) got introduced for one of the main characters (daisy) in a way that was organic and made sense for both characters

one of the main leads (iain de caestecker), a fan favorite who was around since the pilot, was unavailable for almost the entire season. the writers used his absence as a legit plot point, and he returned at the end to be reunited with his love (for a happy ending with a kid!) and the rest of the team

a pretty well loved recurring guest star who was around for a couple of seasons died, but it was handled in such a beautiful way- his death had actual meaning (enoch sacrificed himself to save the team), and he got a wonderful sendoff (the actor even won TVLine’s Performer of the Week that week)

every series regular of season 7 made it to the finale (sure, deke didn’t make it to the VERY end but he got to be a hero and freakin director of shield in an alternate timeline! pretty great end to me!)

the creators wanted it to be a love letter to the fans. the best way they could do that? every series regular ended the show happy. every. single. one. 

this post was not one that was very premeditated. when i made this blog i had no intentions on criticizing any specific writers on their styles outside of individual works. however, one writer has a specific writing style that prevents me from finishing any of their stories more than once. so, i decided to tackle it all in one go instead of trying to trudge through three whole multi-chapter fanworks, one of which is honest to god over a million words. i had a word-for-word plan for what i was going to say in this post at one point, however due to the fact that i am the only one i've ever met with impeccable timing i got a call from my girlfriend right as i was gearing up to sit down and write this post and forgot every fucking thing i was going to say, and then when i finally wrote it i proceeded to procrastinate on editing it for half a year, so this post is literally so unplanned that any plan that might have existed has been consumed by the void. but!! i'm doing it anyway, and not even i can stop me!!

This is the thing about Unda

featuring M.C. Escher that's my favorite MC, Dayhve's Broken Diamond Club, and Alternate Universe by Unda

((spoilers, obviously))

The thing that all these stories have in common, besides being written by the same person of course, is that at some point while reading i got sick and fucking tired of them and couldn't push myself to keep going. For mc escher, it was during my reread when new characters with new relationship dramas were presented right at what i thought would be the climax, causing the story to drag on for longer after i thought that the story would be wrapping up. For DBDC, it was when sollux made a stupid decision during a confrontation with the FUCKING condesce, which i knew was going to delay the ending of the story for even longer, because he was obviously going to get captured, which would probably lead to a decent amount of the rest of them getting captured and then whoo dee fucking doo time for jailbreaks/rescue attempts. I then attempted to reread it, only to stop right when dayhve finds out about the mutant chucklevoodoos because this story is genuinely so long that prolonged amounts of time reading it has effects on my mental health ((i honestly will not blame unda for this one, it's just proof that they're good at writing emotional turmoil and mental health struggles)). For AU it was fairly fucking early, when the dramatic scenes with satan himself popping out of the actual fucking moon and then karkat confronting aradia who is literally the embodiment of death about getting sollux back all lead to a goddamn roadtrip at the end of the world. This was where i drew the line because i could just fucking tell that it was going to drag on into infinity.

These stories are fucking LONG, okay?? They are incredibly, beautifully, wretchedly long. When i first read DBDC i had a game going with my parents where we'd guess what chapter we thought i was on and compare it to where i actually was, and every time it was under ten despite the amount of words i just read leading my tiny little brain to believe otherwise.

In my personal opinion?? These stories cannot and should not go on for longer than what one would think to be the final climax, for the sake of their own lifespan. Because at some point one of these false climaxes are going to make people really fucking overwhelmed, really fucking tired of your shit, and/or really fucking pissed. These stories are primed and ready to collapse under their own weight and it is a sad fucking sight, like that video of the morbidly obese chiweenie i saw. They drag on for so long that at some point you stop forgiving the characters' idiotic decisions and just want things to get to the fucking point.

Now i didnt come here just to rag on unda's writing, believe it or not despite their overwhelming nature i genuinely really like these stories. They just drag on and on and on, and get more convoluted and confusing the longer they go.

But doesn't that sound familiar?? Haven't you read a story in the past, written by someone else, that did the exact same thing??

That's right baby, we are getting meta up in this bitch. I didnt come here just to talk about unda, no, i came here to use unda as an example. We're talking about fanfiction as a whole and the problem with a whole lot of fics. Namely that they just do not know where to stop. These crazy trains have no fucking breaks and everyone is scrambling trying to build some. Then they get half welded on before the conducter says "oh no, that's not right." So they just keep welding on more and more parts and sometimes it works, but at other times it completely breaks under itself, and at other other times it becomes a whole entire goddamn computer inhabited by a fully sentient ai before anyone can figure out how to stop the fucking train.

A lot of stories are like this, in that they drag on and waffle about. This is often caused by people taking a writing formula that works better for slice of life, where things just happen and the characters are just along for the ride, and applying it to big overarching stories. They try to make the plot with a big bad and extremely high stakes fit into this type of pacing, and it starts feeling like each arc is incredibly disconnected. You aren't done with your characters, and you have more ideas for conflicts, so to keep things going you have to keep cranking the stakes higher and higher. Then your reader starts wondering how we went from supernatural college au to Let's Go Kill The Devil, and why the fuck we're spending extra time and attention on a roadtrip when the literal devil just showed up and committed at least three separate war crimes. It's a constant rising and falling of the momentum, big crazy climactic things happen and then suddenly we're slowing down again to build up the next Big Thing.

The problem with this is that eventually you get to a point where no ending you come up with will feel very satisfying, because your reader has been strung along for such a long time that they'll probably feel more like they just ran a marathon trying to get away from a hoard of angry snakes than like they read a story. Unda is a more extreme example, because their standard chapter length and the sheer amount of chapters poured into each story makes a task that is normally kinda frustrating feel like pushing a boulder up a mountain for eternity. These sorts of stories are hard to keep up with when they're delivered in fairly bite sized chunks, but when you deliver your story in four course gourmet meals it just gets actively draining watching a character make another decision that leads to more plot and more relationship drama and more development and always fucking more. There's no ceiling on creativity but this stuff makes me wish there was sometimes, because then maybe these stories would get to a point where they didn't have anywhere else to go and so they'd end sooner on a more satisfying conclusion.

I think the solution to these sorts of conundrums would be splitting these stories over multiple works. Conclude one plot, finish the story, move on to the next using the same characters and premise from where the first work left off and keep going. It might lead to some cliffhangers every now and again but cliffhangers arent so bad when you know there's more to come, and it'd help people not get completely fucking lost.

I know it sounds like im getting on unda's case with all the vitriol of the literature version of Ego from ratatouille, and i know that some people write for fun and others write for practice. I don't know which category unda falls in, but either way when you post something on the internet it's gonna be perceived. I treat both types of writing the exact same way because examining a for fun story with the same analytical eye as i would use for a story that was written with the intent of receiving constructive criticism leads me to find examples of things that work and things that don't, which i can then dissect and share on the internet for people who want to improve to learn from. Experimentation is the root of progress after all, and stories written for fun tend to be full of that sort of stuff, so taking a closer look helps progress storytelling as a whole!! It's a learning experience. Above all, it's fun to tear stories apart, and fanfiction is especially fun because you don't have to spend the emotion to get invested and judge new characters that you've never seen before. I am in no way saying unda should upheave their entire style of writing, or that their stories are shitty. I am actually a pretty big fan of unda's work!! I hope to see more writing from them, in whatever form it takes, and i will gleefully dissect it all the same.

persona 5 royal: my thoughts after finishing it five minutes ago

disclaimer: the only reason im writing this is because 1) i have a lot of thoughts and feelings that i need to write down and if i dont ill explode and 2) i want to be able to find this when p5s eventually drops so i can compare my thought processes. if you do not agree with what i’m going to say, that’s cool! just block me or ignore this post. 

now for the sake of sanity, i’m going to try and narrow down this entire list into chunks because this’ll probably be very very long and very much about me just screaming about stuff that i liked, loved, and don’t like. i will be spoiling both the original persona 5 and persona 5 royal, obviously, so i hope you finished both!

1) Akechi

so yes. Goro Akechi. Everyone’s favorite murderer. I’m going to by spewing a lot of hot takes, and this is probably going to be the spiciest: i am in the most intense love-hate relationship with this brown haired antagonist because jesus christ is he a complicated son of a bitch. I know i’ve complained in the past about how much Atlus often struggles with utilizing a character well, but that does not at all relate to Akechi in any way, shape, or form. 

I’ll say this now: He is a character I genuinely, truly hate, yet he is the one I want to hear from the most. He is someone who is a bad person (yes, he is a bad person) but whenever he comes on screen he makes me sit up, he makes me pay attention to him because that’s just the aura he exudes. He is a character who i would never, ever waste my time defending or justifying his actions, but every minute joker spends with him is a minute i want to stretch out as long as possible because he is just that good of a character. He is interesting, he is well defined, he is smart, he is clever, he is sassy, he’s a motherfucking asshole who’s never had a vibe check in my life and i still hate him. Goro Akechi is what Star Wars wanted Kylo Ren to be, and that allegory may not make sense to many people but it works for me so i’m saying it. It’s to the point where writing akechi in a fanfic makes me sweat because in my opinon capturing the essence of akechi is near impossible unless you know what you are talking about (i do not mean that in anyway to discourage people from writing him, im just saying that I am a coward because i will never be able to write a good akechi). Anyway, bottom line is: i despise him but my eyes are always glued to him at all times.

back to the main point-- Atlus absolutely nailed this character and every single addition they put in for Akechi. I’m so damn thrilled that you actually have confidant hangouts with him because every single time you talk to him, it services not only the plot, but it perfectly does what it is supposed to do: it makes you like him, but also leaves the player slightly unnerved. they do it so casually that I might have trouble explaining it, but bear with me: everytime you hangout with him, he always does or say something that unhinges you just a little bit, it leaves you asking ‘wait why?’ or ‘but how did you know that’ or ‘why are you saying that?’. akechi is constantly playing mind games with you. and not only that, adding backstory to akechi (moreso than in the original) is just fucking fantastic. he’s always been a fully fleshed out character but after playing royal, goro akechi actually exists in my mind, and i still hate him (but also i dont. but also i do. anyway)

2) the ending

just finished the game and this is the point where i am at odds with p5r for the first time. the ending to p5, in my opinion, was flawless; everything was perfect and had meaning. from the shot of akira being shown to not wearing glasses anymore because he no longer feels the need to wear a mask (character development: he was very unhappy at the beginning of the game and now he’s happy with his friends--i love it), to his friends being the one to drive him home (amazing, he left his home town and came to shibuya alone via transit, and one year later he’s now leaving with all of his best friends in a van they rented just so they could stay with him as long as they can--it’s perfect, i love it), and also all of them seeing how large and infinite the ocean is (because now there’s unlimited options for them because they all have a new perspective on life). 

But....none of that is there in p5r. it feels impersonal. no one drops him off at his hometown, he was still wearing glasses, and there’s no grand metaphor about what they all achieved. 

Now, i am not a (complete) moron. I know why they had to change it: it’s because of persona 5 scramble (i think). they wanted to set up a plot for the next game and i feel like thats the reason why persona 5 royal’s ending suffered for it: they were too focused on the next plot that they forgot to focus on the sentimental ending for p5r. don’t get me wrong, seeing akechi in the train station absolutely made me lose my shit and made me scream at one in the morning, but i think they lost the core meaning in doing the other stuff. i did not like the focus on maruki and kasumi (will be talking about them later), cause i feel like it took away from the ending, and i also didn’t like the fact that the whole joker outfit in the reflection thing (but i will be letting it slide since it was during the after credits anyway). So while i do love one (1) new aspect of the final cut scene, i still adore and stan the one from persona 5. 

3) the entire last semester 

i’ll be quick: the final palace? the best palace. fight me. it’s fantastic, it’s innovative, it’s interesting, and most of all, the palace ruler is actually the best one in the entire game and i know i wont be the only one to say this. maruki is not a villain: i know for a godamn fact that im not the only one to say that i almost agreed with his deal of allowing the reality (damn i almost agreed twice) because why wouldnt you?? it’s literally a perfect reality! the only reason i didnt agree is because i knew the game wouldnt want me to agree and would force me to have the bad ending! anyway, i love the last section so much. the palace design is interesting, the antagonist is brilliant (who doesn’t love a morally gray antagonist?), and finally, the payoff of kasumi happened and it made me silent for ten minutes. the entire reveal of her being sumire and kasumi being dead is just so genuinely shocking to me that it nearly broke my neck.

what actually broke my neck was the initial incident for the third semester. seeing everyone in this wild alternate reality made me so unsettled that i literally got a stomach ache. i saw morgana as a human and nearly passed out. shiho in the underground? wig. ryuji saying he’s on the national pedastal for running? literally my eyebrows just popped off my head. fucking WAKABA? FLATLINED. brilliantly executed and i love the initial akechi and akira buddy cop movie vibes in the beginning it was just so fun. 

one huge part of the third semester for me though, was of course, akechi. seeing him completely throw away his ‘charming ace detective’ speil was the most refreshing and interesting and not to mention, hilarious part of the game. he does not give a fuck about anyone and he is not afraid to let you know. he is the biggest savage and the most insane person on the phantom thieves group. he’ll roast you, he’ll roast your boyfriend, he’ll roast fuckin anyone and it’s fantastic. not to mention his dialogue is killer: he says the most bat shit insults ever and my favorite example is when you go up to him near the end of the game, you know, to hangout with him and be a nice guy, he just does not hesitate to say ‘what, you came just to see me? just the sort of brainless sentimentality i’d expect from you.’ i LOVE IT because why the hell would he try to be nice? the jig is up, he’s got nothing to hide. and he owns it. atlus seriously nailed akechi in this last semester and it’s brilliant and i love it.

4) everything else 

- one small thing that pissed me off in both games (but especially this one) is how many godamn fake out deaths there are. Morgana has one, Akira has one, Ryuji has one, Sojiro has one, Maruki has one, motherfucking Akechi has two. it just hurts me!

- sumire is an amazing character who has depth and she is lovely and my biggest complaint is that it feels like atlus shoved her in. like, she feels like a new addition to the game, you know what  i mean? maybe its because ive played the original p5 first, but you know, it’s not a big deal. but i love her so much

- on the topic of sumire, i cant say that im completely super duper happy with how different she felt from the other thieves? im sure that’ll be explained in p5s but she just got so much screen time that it just truly made me confused?? maybe im just a horrible person, or that’s just a really hot take. but anyway, yeah maybe im bitter because i really wanted to see extra hangouts/school trips during royal, but didn’t really.

-baton pass? literally orgasmic. it made turn base battles so damn fun and the addition of darts and billiards made me foam at the mouth it was SO SMART AND INNOVATIVE AND I LOVE IT ATLUS I LOVE YOU ATLUS YOURE SO SMART SWEETIE

-small thing, but making spells like ‘dormina’ actually useful just made the game so much more fun and dungeon crawling became something i truly, genuinely looked forward to

-being able to give gifts to my bros? absolutely incredible. thank you. side note: seeing akechi happy from giving him a multi vitamin cracked me up. side side note: giving ryuji a fuck ton of weights and him just smiling made my heart so happy i love that boy so much

- ah this game just looked so GOOD! i thought the original looked good but they really went all out. im not kidding, the smallest details in everyday life or even just normal cut scenes were out of this world. especially stuff from the third semester its just OOF good JOB atlus i love you buddy

-ahhh thieves den! how can i forget? i love it. at first i was a bit iffy with it since it really felt like persona 5 (undoubtedly the biggest game atlus has created) was just jacking itself off. but as time goes on, it became a huge addition to the game and seeing characters’ insights and extra lines of dialogue became super duper interesting and a highlight of the game for me. and don’t even get me started on how much i love love love the photos they added of them hanging out! so lovely, a bunch of them made me tear up

- i know it’s literally impossible, but i feel like the game just forgot that akechi is a person who can wield multiple persona and i just wish that could’ve been messed around with during Palaces

- showtimes are so, so crazy and i get so embarassed whenever they play on my tv because they are just outlandish and unashamed but i love them so so much it just defines persona’s personality 

-because i love ryuji: i prefer the final conversation you have with him aka ‘whaddya mean? you’re there’ but there’s still a lot of really tender and sweet moments like akira genuinely telling him that he’ll miss him, and also the fact that ryuji wants you both to send each other your times through the exercise watch so you can still race ahhhh i love him so much yall

so, overall, this game is better than the original p5 because of the extra content we get. if persona 5 was the perfect dinner, persona 5 royal is that same dinner and you get to enter the dessert buffet. it’s brilliant, it’s smart, it’s hilarious, it’s heartwarming, and it’s undoubtedly my favorite game of all time without exaggeration. while i do prefer the final cut scene (and final dialogues with some characters) in the original persona 5, in the overall experience, persona 5 royal is superior in my mind. i would willingly get amnesia to play this game again. 

I didn’t get to cover everything, but this is definitely most of what i wanted to say. if you actually get to reading all the way to the end, thanks! it means a lot. i hope we can all enjoy persona and look forward to persona 5 scramble together :-)

BY DAY, you attend classes and sling drinks at the campus cafe. By night, you’re known as the Harbinger, an individual with the Gift of shadow and darkness. Your two jobs have never had any reason to collide…not until the appearance of a fellow Gifted by the name of Ace, anyway.

[ read luck of the draw here !! ]

this is an extra post for me to infodump on all the worldbuilding details i never got to fit into my already obnoxiously large fic 🕺🏻🕺🏻 its holding my brain hostage so maybe posting this will help!!!

please read luck of the draw before clicking the readmore !! there are spoilers abound (and you probably won’t understand much of what i’m saying if you haven’t read the fic LMAO)

ABOUT THE CONCEPT

the very core of luck of the draw isn’t actually unique to kenji or to haikyuu in general; in fact, it was originally a part of a superhero!skz series i was planning to write but never got around to. the foundation of this fic -- kenji’s power and the idea of them being opposing forces that slowly draw together -- was originally given to stray kids’ hyunjin. i never went past the Thinking Stage with it, so it was fairly easy to hand the concept over to futakuchi when i moved fandoms.

the dynamic of this fic in general was inspired pretty heavily by miraculous ladybug’s “love square,” but i ... obviously wasn’t going to write all four sides of it so i stuck to the civilian identities (the reader and kenji) and the alteregos (harbinger and ace). in the kpop version of this wip, the reader and hyunjin were coworkers, but in moving from one fandom to another and reworking it for futakuchi, i decided to make them friends instead. they’re not particularly close (they’re definitely comfortable but not close Emotionally) to start with, but there’s potential for something to start!

ABOUT THE WORLD

in this universe, the city is ruled by two major factions that control much of the economy: seijoh, who controls the entertainment/tourism industries and has its fingers in most of the smaller businesses around the city (such as johzenji and dateko) and nekoma, who is partnered with the equally large fukurodani to control shipment of all kinds as well as the food industry (among others). nekoma has allies within the local government, and seijoh all but controls the law enforcement.

karasuno, on the other hand, works entirely from the underground to overhaul the way things are run in the city; it’s a bit .... corrupt as of right now, and they seek to change that. 

at the top are typically individuals blessed with special powers known as gifts. these gifts can be as mundane as the ability to make flowers bloom wherever you walk or as powerful as being able to alter the flow of time. there exist a series of regulations (and a shit ton of paperwork) that come about whenever an individual happens to manifest a gift. 

however, the city’s gifted demographic is incorrectly represented; a chunk of the gifted population are instead drawn to the allure of making money by doing illicit deeds for companies like seijoh or nekoma. these individuals’ gifts are never properly documented due to the traceability it lends itself to, should a job go wrong.

the government is supposedly in talks to enact stricter laws on the gifted, despite them making up a comparatively small percentage of the population. the head of the department of gifted individuals, ushijima wakatoshi, is a particularly overwhelming force in support of better regulation of his fellow gifted.

ABOUT THE CHARACTERS

in the first draft of luck of the draw, the sequence of events and relationship dynamics were MUCH different. in the final draft, you see the alteregos being drawn to each other first before you see the civilians come together. 

in that first draft, it was originally centered on the civilians getting together despite kinda-sorta being attracted to each other’s alterego? as a result, the kiss scene between the alteregos was still there but it was DRASTICALLY different. the whole idea of it and imo moral ambiguitity (kenji and the reader never went official with their relationship in the first draft) didn’t sit right with me at all; it felt a little like i was using cheating as a plot device which ??? no.

to make the long story short, the execution of that (tbh poorly developed) idea was.......less than stellar.

so i took a look at the chronology and basically upended the entire midsection to make the concept something that was less awful morally? that’s what i hope happened, anyway LJSKDFLSD

in the first draft, the reader (as harbinger) was also much less competent than they are in the final draft as a result of having been affiliated with karasuno for a shorter time. in truth, the harbinger’s origin story didn’t surface until i was in the middle of writing the second draft!

when it comes to the other characters:

oikawa doesn’t have a gift, which is rather rare for someone with their thumb sitting so heavily on the city’s pulse point

iwaizumi’s gift is entirely up to interpretation! him and oikawa making formal appearances in the story was something that only came up towards the end of draft two, so i didn’t have the space (word count wise) to really give either much thought

kyotani came into his gift without any control over it, and is only given amnesty because he was found hiding by iwaizumi

i really really wanted to talk about kyotani in this fic but ultimately it wasnt revolving around him + i once again didn’t have space to even tease an encounter with him (so in the fic proper he’s mostly there as a cameo + to scare you as you read into a potential action scene)

aone and kenji actually come from the same company that happened to come under seijoh’s control, so they’re more comfortable with each other than anyone else!

hinata has the gift of manipulation as long as you’re making eye contact with him; unfortunately, if he wills it, it’s rather hard to break eye contact once you’ve made it -- aone made the mistake of glancing at him during the takeover at seijoh hq, leading to his hold on harbinger loosening

kageyama obviously has the gift of ice/hail/snow manipulation to a rather strong extent, considering he can create it where there is none and lower the temperature of the air around him (the reader cannot create their own darkness, only manipulate what is around them)

he also has some beef with oikawa (or is it the other way around?) that involves him formerly working under seijoh -- not one of their many smaller companies, but seijoh itself (much like iwaizumi and after kageyama leaves, kyotani)

in terms of who’s been with karasuno the longest of the introduced cast, it’s tsukishima/three-eyes > hinata = kageyama > reader (but not by much)

MISCELLANEOUS

following the takeover of seijoh, tsukishima finds himself at wit’s end much more often LMAO

there are a good amount of deleted scenes and scenes that were only added in at the very last second!

among the deleted scenes is a scene where the civilians are at the park -- in the first draft, it happened in the middle, but in the second it was towards the end. it got taken out because come the end of the second draft, i realized it no longer fit ...

in terms of completion status, it probably ?? took a little over a month from this to go from Thinking Stage to the 14.2k monstrosity you see now? there were a couple of weeks early on where i did nothing on my ipad and laptop except outline and write, respectively

i definitely got burned out halfway through (which is abt the time i posted the xc2 au .. i NEEDED to work on smth else)

the idea of the clock tower wasn’t present at all in the first draft!! i only really came up with it in the second draft because i’d rather have them meet somewhere consistent and identifiable rather than some nondescript building

the running joke (?) of them getting drinks together wasn’t present until the third and final draft -- originally the scene where ace asks “do you remember our last conversation?” had a different beginning

in fact, a lot of the scenes that are a bit more...emotionally charged (see: every scene after ace’s unmasking as well as the movie night scene where the civilians struggle to define what their relationship has become) had to be overhauled dramatically

ummm i love kenji thats it! none of this would be possible if i didnt have the strongest mf brainrot for him so ... ! theres that LMAO

(theres probably more im forgetting to say ........ if any of you want to pick my brain regarding the chronology or the characters or why i had them say something or do something send me an ask! this post tbh is almost entirely for me but i didnt put this much thought into a fic that long to NOT share it with everyone else)

Hey! Its thing >:)!

Its the thing i was teasing at in that post last night, and technically for like... four months? five? huh its been a bit since i second changed my url huh. Im not gonna go check or anything. If I were a bit more patient i wouldve waited for the archive collection become canon but im not. funfacterdroid is just more of my bran! Anyway! This post is my first impressions and opinions on each song on Back to the Egg! The Wings album i temporarily renamed myself after. (told ya i was gonna ramble wasnt i ydbfyufjd). It also happens to be the only wings album i havent listened to yet. And sure theres a bunch of singles and b-sides i havent listened to either, but this is the last one! I figured it should get some of its own treatment! I know that its gonna sound different to London Town and the two before it, cause McCulloch and English arent here. I’ve also heard that this album is bad and people called Paul a sellout because he transitioned to New Wave. New Wave is my favorite genre and I guess Wings werent ever that far from it? But they’re still a rock band at heart so i dont know how that change is going to fare. Enough introduction: Lets just go track by track! -Side One: Sunny Side Up-

Reception: Its just some radio garble, an instrumental meant to introduce the album. dont really have any opinions on it. Getting Closer: JAHBUDHSAUHJDHS WOAH WOAH WOAH!!! I didnt expect such a threatening title to be so upbeat. Like... opposite of Beware My Love. I do think its odd that there is barely any backup singing? Its not horrible just weird that this song, out of all the openers, doesnt. That outro is very much meant to be like a darker part of the song, like the dream sequence from A Day In The Life, but god dammit this song is just so upbeat! so weirdly cheerful and gentle! And... only 3 minutes? Rockshow and Jet were 4... eh those albums had a lot less songs, this one has 13 not counting Reception! Same as London Town, which i also really like! We’re Open Tonight: Oooohhh!! Very soft, I think I know what its about but when taken literally, to me it sounds like a quaint little shop trying to lure you in, sinisterly. I think the bass is making it sound evil to me, but thats a great thing! Clearly its trying to be like another I’m Carrying but that song fucking sucks!!!!!! I also really like how its only 1 minute, something so haunting about it. Not sure if thats positive or negative but the songs cool! Spin It On: hHEHEYEHY!! Getting Closer.... 2! kinda. Its much much faster and i can barely understand the words hes saying... or what hes spinning. The backing vocals are really cool though. the lyrics mention a pinball table? Y.. you know pinball doesn't spin right? it falls.... Questionable lyrics aside, theres really not a lot of SPEEDY Wings songs! Glad that one of the few is also extremely good!

Again and Again and Again: WOW OKAY! this is sung by denny, all of these songs start pretty fast unlike a good chunk of their past work, but i really like that! But it also means i cannot process a single thing denny is saying, i think he said something about a school? and being in a bad situation? ah whatever. Denny used to be in an R&B band and i really think thats going to work here! This isnt an exactly a Rhythm-y or Bluesey song, but He’s clearly having fun! thats why i love wings in general, its easy to tell that the band was having fun recording a song! Old Siam, Sir: A-hmm. Paul’s doing his squeaky voice again... I guess that can work sometimes but its absolutely not complimenting the piano in the background. Also, I feel like a squeaky voice wouldnt work the best for a story song. A story thats pretty incomprehensible too? Who is this lady! What the fuck is this village!! This is the song you wanted to make 4 minutes? and it fades out too... how much did they record... Arrow Through Me: So this is the one that the critics liked? Its the most synth heavy which i understand why people like, I like synths too! I like how the bass (which i think is also from a synth?) lines up perfectly with the horns! Its alright, it might grow on me later, but now its just a passable song. One i wouldnt skip. Plus I really like the reverb effects, the whole album has em but this one really makes use!! Kinda bad overall though.

-Side Two: Over Easy- Rockestra Theme: Just an instrumental. But one thats really important to music history! I don’t actually know the full story to this one, but I do know that i really like it! Plus the vocal effects on Paul’s... Scatting i guess you could call it? Whatever it is, it works! To You: This sounds... eerily like Getting Closer. But bad... Eh I like that organ. Not much to say really... theres only like one verse. After the Ball / Million Miles: Oh cool another medley. Last one we got was two albums ago! I guess since this is technically two songs id have to... review them both? After the Ball is exactly what it sounds like. A gentle rock song about seeing your love after a party :)! Pretty standard for wings. Million Miles! Sounds a lot like After the Ball but with an accordian? Fuck I’m not complaining. But also who the fuck is Deo. Winter Rose / Love Awake: Uh- Something is,,, wrong with Paul’s voice. like he damaged it? I mean its not horrible it just kinda takes me out of the emersion? Oh we’re already on Love Awake! his voice is fine now..! Man this song is mediocre! No wonder the 70s are regarded as lame./lh Weird that Linda isn’t singing backup here? Or if she is that Denny’s voice is just drowning her out. Winter Rose itself is kinda lame but its... sweeter I guess?  The Broadcast: SINISTER!!!!!!! I do not know who is talking but this sounds... dystopian. I don’t even know what the poem is about its just... the whole song is slightly off. But i mean that in a good way! So Glad to See You Here: MAN! They were trying so hard to be punk... Okay as a punk song this sounds horrible! But as a song in general i like it! It’s not mixed the best but i really like the lyrics! And I-HOLY SHIT WE’RE OPEN TONIGHT PART TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really didnt expect that,,, thats.... genuinely cool! Baby’s Request: Oh the finale! H..huh... Jazzy! And its about going to sleep.. i think? Regardless, Paul’s good at writing songs to fall asleep to, this isnt an exception at all!! Although it is weird that at the end the same horn plays as the one in Thrillington’s Monkberry Moon Delight... Its probably just a coincidence, i thought it was funny though. ---- Okay! Overall, I liked Sunny Side-Up more as a whole since i like 4/6 of its songs, but MAN So Glad to See You Here and Baby’s Request are REALLLY GOOD-But then again. I only listened to all of these songs once, and i wont listen to them again until ive finished writing this post, just to keep my first impressions fresh. I don’t really know what else to say that album was fun as hell! So I’d give Back To The Egg a... 7.8/10! I really didnt expect to like it this much. even though New Wave is my favorite music genre, i didnt think paul would be able to do it justice! Especially since the genre was just starting itself up... heh.... hope it gets archived soon.

A Family Mob AU: Alfredo

Alfredo Headcannon time! I know I'm not very consistent in these. In trying as best I can. I write these between lulls at work or job hunting as it is now. And I'm applying to Grab school to so my mind is more scattered than usual. But I dont plan on stopping! I'm going to get at least headcannon lists like this out as often as I can. I aim to have more short stories out in this and the Sole Ender AU out when I can.

Now, its Alfredo Time!

Alfredo was born and unceremoniously dumped at a Street corner

He was found by a Cashier at the corner store at 1 am

He was taken to the police shortly after

No name and no past Alfredo grew up believing his life was normal

It was normal to make up new names every day

It was normal to have different caretakers every few weeks

It was normal to be unwantes

Eventually Alfredo met Gavin

Gavin was exactly what little Alfredo needed

Gavin gave no shots what the adults around them thought if he thought it was wrong he did something about it

When Alfredo didnt get dinner again Gavin gave him some of his own food

Alfredo began to copy him giving others his food and toys and hiding them from mean people

Then they were locked in cages after moving houses

Alfredo didnt understand why they were locked up, but he didnt have Gavin to hug anymore

There they Met Matt first

The boy had been there the longest and learned how to survive

He helped teach the new boys how to hoard and hide what little food they got.

He taught Gavin to Pick locks so the three could sleep in a pile

Alfredo never figured out until years and years later why Gavin went dead eyed during those years in the cages

Soon Michael and Lindsay joined

The two were loud, violent and untameable

They fought tooth and nail to stay together until Matt and Gavin worked their magic and got the two to trust them

They taught Alfredo it was ok to Bite and Hit and Kick and if you could, Find a Big Stick

The small family stuck close together

Alfredo began to pick fights at school and found he had a knack for beaning people in the head with rocks

Though everytime he got caught everyone got in trouble, no one regretted a second of it

When Jack came Alfredo warmed up to them first

Jack had gotten a hold of one of Alfredo's old stuffed toys from the foster parents and snuck it to him one night

Alfredo started to get the others to loosen up to

Then Jack broke them out of Hell

Alfredo was excited to be free and finally start a new life

Then they got caught and sent to the Labs

Alfredo was somewhere in the middle when it came to power developement

He was being dragged to a session with the Doctor when he bit the guard holding him

He didnt expect to tear a chunk of flesh off the person's arm

Nor did he expect to poison the guy and kill them

Alfredo thought it was normal to feel no remorse for his first kill

When his extra arms grew in the boy was bedridden for months as they formed

Ryan would teleport anyone available into his quarantined room to m soothe the boy

Gavin was the best at that

When they escaped Alfredo took to hiding his arms under his clothes in public

He adores Fairy lights and making a web of them to keep his room lit

Alfredo doesnt want to experience what most people call normal, he worries he might break if he did

What’s the problem with Robron? Just started watching the show so doesn’t really know their history. Why are they bad (aside from being kinda boring)?

oh  BOY ,,

short story

robert has abused aaron extensively throughout their relationship

the Really long story

roberts a general piece of absolute shit. has been since he was a teenager. the homphobia is Rife, he outed lawrence (a gay man traumatised by conversion therapy) in front of his whole family, called him homophobic slurs. paid someone to pretend to be a victim of homophobic violence and assault to try and con more money out of lawrence. this list could go on forever so i wont start

they started as an affair. robert was married to a woman, chrissie, and no one knew he was bi. aaron was a single gay guy. 

robert treated aaron like shit from the start but the main first bad thing he did was push katie through the floor to her death. she had found out abt the affair and aaron was sick of hiding and told her to come at that time and then she had a pic and was gonna tell chrissie so he was arguing w her and pushing her about and the floor gave way and she lit snapped her neck. he called aaron, lied to him about what happened exactly and got him to cover it up with him even though aaron wasnt there. he told him it was his fault katie died bc he called her there and that if they told the truth he’d go down for it, that it was because he was selfish and jealous. aaron literally APOLOGISED at this point and robert was like “if ur sorry u will help me :)”

Also relevant if u just started watching aaron has lots of mental health issues, self harmed on and off since like.. 2011? he is a survivor of childhood abuse and has lots of self esteem/trust/abandonment issues

the guilt from katies death caused a several month long deterioration in his mental health, he relapsed and self harmed. he contemplated suicide. in the end he was literally hospitalised bc of self harm. robert let all that happen and cared more abt him staying quiet than anything else

just b4 that happened robert picked up a rock when alone in the forest w chas and debated smashing her round the head with it

and then after aaron ended up in hospital she said she were gonna tell chrissie so robert HIRED A HITMAN to KILL HER. he ended up running down the street w a bag of cash trying to find the dude to pay him off and tell him not to bc chas took it back 

paddy had also found out about the affair and was threatening to tell chrissie abt it so robert tried to kill him lol casual. he fell in a grain pit and robert turned it on and tried to drown him in grain. someone saves him and robert goes to the hospital and threatens to kill LEO, tiny child leo. 

aaron found out that robert had tried to kill paddy and they go to this lodge and aaron tries to record him confessing to killing katie and shit. robert finds the hidden phone and they fight and robert ends up knocking aaron out by smashing a bottle over his head. he then ties him up to a radiator and leaves him there for overnight. he ends up coming back with a gun and holds aaron at gunpoint. paddy bursts in last second and robert turns around and ends up shooting paddy. they promise not to say anything and robert lets them go

but straight away aaron just goes and tells roberts wife scream legendary and boom roberts marriage is over :)

hes mocked aarons self harm on Many occasions. he called him a “girl” for cutting himself, he called him a failure for not dying when he attempted suicide, called him weak. called him a murderer for helping his paralysed boyfriend to die, said he got a “perverted kick” out of cutting himself. all real fucking bad stuff.

ross shoots robert and aaron literally goes into hospital when roberts in a coma and told him to hurry up and die. was very iconic 

robert and aaron end up getting back together when aarons dad who abused him comes to the village and aaron ends up self harming again and robert was the one who found him and took him to hospital so robert ends up being the person he tells about the abuse.

during this sl about the abuse -> robert talks to gordon when aaron told him not to, believes gordons lies and suggests to aaron he might be making up the memories, paid a false witness to say gordon abused him too

when gordon is in jail he writes a letter to aaron. robert got this letter before aaron and burns it and doesnt tell aaron abt it until he finds out from someone else and by that point gordon has killed himself

aaron inherited money from gordon and didnt want it but robert pressured him into using it to buy the mill

uhh they got engaged?? and around then is when robert starts with his cheating lol!! chrissies sister rebecca moves to the village and robert had history w her and had cheated on chrissie in the past with bex. 

he kisses her like twice?? aaron is suspicious but robert makes out like hes crazy, he calls him a “jealous queen”, “this is never gonna work if u dont trust me” etc etc robert actually ends up taking off his engagement ring like “well if its not this, it’ll be something else bc u screw everything up because u dont want to be happy”

aaron has another sl where he ends up beating up finns ex-boyfriend kasim and goes to prison, robron get married just before he goes

like 3 weeks after aaron goes to prison, robert sleeps with rebecca. also has a good chunk of a scene before he sleeps with her where he just slags aaron off. 

rebecca gets pregnant, classic. robert threatens her into getting an abortion. she refuses and he threatens her even more. we find out he did the exact same thing to her before when he was with chrissie. and i mean he literally tries to sleep with her again to stop her telling aaron

he has to tell aaron in the end but they dont break up. but it ruins aaron mentally and he starts cutting himself again. eventually he breaks up with robert bc of his mental health and says his marriage is making him miserable etc etc. robert comes out with some nasty manipulative bullshit, literally held glass and was telling aaron to cut him rather than himself [x] (ran out of allowed embedded videos rip)

robert spends his time drugging lawrence now! :-) he is lacing his brandy with sleeping pills for revenge and getting him to sign over the business and shit like that. he also undresses him and puts him in bed and convinces him they slept together which Yikes. actually not even SLeeps together he literally tries to convince him that lawrence raped him. aaron finds the sleeping pills at work and robert lies to him and says hes having trouble sleeping and all this shit bc they broke up, guilting him Again. liv ends up drinking the spiked brandy and ends up in hospital aaron is NOT happy [x]

aaron gets a new boyfriend. robert is GROSS. they have a date in the woolpack and robert literally pulls a chair up to the table and sits there. he keeps calling aaron his husband. its bad. [x] and generally pushes himself into their relationship on multiple occasions 

like 6 months after aaron broke up with robert they have these scenes where aaron speaks to him about how he doesnt want to get back with him and how hes happy moving on. and robert came out w this absolute bullshit about “letting him go” like he was in control of their relationship and he had the final say over whether they broke up or not was Fucked [x]

after a few months aaron breaks up with his boyfriend and gets back with robert and since then its just been what ur seeing right now to be honest

SO sometimes on tumblr i like to write a little bit about myself as this is a platform where you yourself can read but not know exactly who i am. please leave a comment on this story i am about to proceed with. i was told by my mother that she had planned a small trip away with me. Somewhere close yet satisfying. I was super pumped and excited to get away, i was under a lot of stress. As i walked in the living room my mother told me that we weren’t going away, in fact she and my arrogant stepdad were. insantly ater the loss of the majority of close people in my life i left again i was being left out of something and replaced not to mention i had spent everyday alone at school for the past year. I was really hurt and grew anger, i explained that it wasn’t nice of her to just remake her plans when i was so excited to go. Fed up i told her about all the times shes done it and why it upset me so much. All of a sudden she began to cry in guilt not replying to me and giving me the cold shoulder. Thats when my step dad walked in the room with my mothers phone. “Your phone is ringing” he said flat. My mum in tears grabs the phone and walks into the garden. But i wanted to know if she was going through with it still and was in a rush to work. So i walked after her and was going to wait until she was off the phone. As i walked into the garden my step dad put his hand out asking where i was going, i said “i just want to see my mum”. He bounced, “no she is on the phone!” I tried to get around him, “i dont care i need to talk” i just wanted us left alone. So i went the other way, then BAM, hes got a hold of me. The dogs in the garden heard me yelling at my step dad to let go of my arm, they all ran over. One of the dogs was between us barking and no matter what i said it was faded into the sounds of dogs barking and my step dad grunting for me to get inside. I was helpless. i couldnt communicate. He sees my mum at the back of the garden and shoves me inside the house the dogs see the roughness and joined in. One of the dogs jumped and bit my hand. “AGHH!” i sceam, “let go! Let go!” and “ple-” everything was useless. The dog took a chunk of my leg squeezing my muscle with its jaw. In agony i try move to the door but then my step dad lifts me in the air flipping me the other way. The dogs bit my breast and arms. Finally my mother pushes through and he lets me go. I fall on the floor and crawl my way out into the living room. i didnt understand after the duration of screams my mother only just heard. Plus my stepdad just went back outside and waters the plants. My mother angry gets too flustered and walks off. In this position im very afraid, irrational and angry. I look out the window at my step dad who then notices me, “you dont even care i scream while holding my leg pissing out blood. He just throws his hand at me and turns away. Boiling with anger i punch the window i was looking through,”SMASH”,  “if i have to pay for this you can pay for that!”. Suddenly my mother bursts in the room with a towel and a medical kit. She looks at me in shock. “Mum are you insane?” i scream “i need to go to hospital now!” she yells at me saying that her car is in the garage and she needs to pick it up now to take me. Annoyed and hurt i decide to ring the ambulance myself waiting on the street with my boyfriend whos banned from the property after my crazy step dad strangled him for no reason - (we called the police on step dad for strangling - now my bf is banned from my own house?- stepdad owns house so he can legally do this- just to fuck with me as usual). So  after going to the hospital i got my leg stitched up and covered in injuries and bruises and bite wounds that have ruined my legs forever.  i honestly have became so alienated from all the shit my step dad does to the point where i cant function normally anymore. i ave major anxiety being with people and talking to them, i have nightmares where i think i wake up but i’m not and i get mentally abused by my step dad over and over. I’ve had scarring nightmares of him where i’ve’ been too afraid to actually sleep. I have left home with no job no qualifications because i cannot stand the mentality i’m in and need change. My friends don’t understand why i’m so sensitive but its because you have to be when someone is so insensitive all the time to you and your family. i have encouraged all my brothers to keep their kids away from him as he fucks with them too with stuff such as “ i got you no Christmas presents, they’re all for the dogs” to a four year old and other various things like when they were making huts in the garden he said it was his wood they were using and as kids do they complain about who’s it belongs too, “i found it first” etc. He decided to snap the log of wood over his leg acting like he was really angry, the loud snap gave my nephew a huge fright and he ran away screaming and crying. Honestly how many red flags does my mother need.

thoughts? 

hi everyone!!! omg i just got home from work right in time bc PLOTTING and im so excited!! i’m becca and id like to introduce u to the wild card that is maxine!! i’m tried to sum things up a bit bc her bio is so long lmao! u can read the full thing here but tbh this is still long af so im sorry and i appreciate u if u actually read all of this 

THE PAST - 

raised by a single hollywood-monster of a father who was rich, scandalous, broke laws and used manipulation to get whatever he wanted

for most of her life, sebastian had been in and out of jail 

maxine looked up to her father and she saw all of his flaws in a positive light - in a way, he was her superhero, and when he was gone, it only made their time together more valuable

as she got older maxine wanted to be rich and famous like her father - but sadly maxine didn’t have much star quality talent

her father wanted her to become a singer, but maxine just wasn’t a very strong vocalist. she was 13 when he enrolled her in vocal lessons and worked her tirelessly  but they didn’t make her a talented singer

sebastian wouldn’t give up on the vision he had for his daughter. he “pulled some strings” when she turned 15 and soon enough she and three other girls were part of hollywood’s newest girl band - GRRLS UNITED

for the first year maxine used autotune and lip syncing as a crutch, and the other members of her girl group were not impressed with this

maxine was jealous of her band mates and wanted to be known as more than just the pretty one in their group so she took after sebastian, who had trained her to think that ANY press was good press and began doing whatever she could to get attention. she didnt care if she was infamous. she began gossiping, leaking photos and information of the people close to her, and being a bit of a psycho ass bitch for lack of better words lmao!!

maxine’s behaviour was quite obviously very toxic, but she started getting the attention she craved, and her father started to notice too. perhaps she had craved the attention her father had neglected to give her during all those years spent in and out of jail. but he was proud of her now, and she would stop at nothing to keep it that way

this behaviour caused her girl group to go on a two year hiatus, and many fans suspected they would be over for good but in this time being the master manipulator that she was, maxine took vocal lessons non stop and pretended to go to rehab to convince her band mates that she was better the band got back together when she was 18, signing a 5 year contract with their label

she was able to keep the act up for a few months, but sooner rather than later her band mates realized that maxine was the same crazy bitch she’d been all along, and now they were stuck with her for another five years

now maxine is 21, and her band mates are so fed up with her that they decide GRRLS UNITED can’t continue any further

the group disbanded, leaving maxine’s father furious and their management very unimpressed with sebastion who had set the whole thing up

THE PRESENT 

the contract was violated by the breakup with about two years left in it and maxine does not speak of the group unless she absolutely has to

she’s been planning on going solo her entire time in GRRLS UNITED

however, a wrench is thrown into her plans when her father sebastian gets sued by management and loses a huge chunk of his empire 

sebastian’s first move is to shun his daughter - cutting maxine off completely from any of his time, money, and affection 

for the first time in her life, maxine doesn’t have her father rooting for her - the only person who has ever shown her support and (what she thinks is) love 

[ tw: mental break + suicidal tendencies] cue maxine’s “britney” moment. the girl goes absolutely insane, stealing her former manager’s car and speeding along the streets of san diego - in which she completely wrecks the car and nearly kills herself in the process, maxine ends up hospitalized [end tw] 

maxine is sent to an inpatient program after she pleads innocent when her manager files for a lawsuit - she goes on a retreat where she begins writing her first solo album 

at this time, maxine has to face a lot head on. firstly, she has to accept who she is and the life she’s led thus far.

she must come to terms with the relationship she’s had with her father, realizing that he never really loved her - he merely saw her as an extra source of publicity and income 

she cuts her father off completely and never speaks to him again. 

she now comes to terms with having nobody. no mother, no friends, no band, no father, no other family that she knows of. 

finally, she comes to terms with what she’s done. she apologizes to the world - to her fans. she begins her “comeback story" 

she is released from her retreat after one year and releases her debut album - HOPELESS FOUNTAIN KINGDOM 

even though she’s still not the most talented girl, she continues to work on her vocals by attending regular lessons 

in a way, maxine has “transformed” and is now medicated properly for her obvious mental health issues

she agrees to attend a weekly therapy session and stays on the press’s good side for the most part 

there are times where her dark side comes out - she’s still not completely better. she can still be rude and manipulative but she’s trying to be different and for the first time in her life it’s not a scheme 

HOPELESS FOUNTAIN KINGDOM was her way of coping/coming to terms with what she’s done and who she is.  

the fans are left wondering - is it all an act this time like it was last time? or is maxine finally sane lmao???

The deprecation of human nature

When shit goes down and the world bacically ends, you seem to think to your self that nothing really matters, time, currency, language, nothing. Its all just made up. When you're in the middle of a zombie appocolyps, haven't seen anyone for mouths and the last people that you saw was your family, getting their necks chomped by your best mates, you start to wonder about what really matters. If you're wondering why im telling you this depressing stuff that will probably give you an existential crisis, let me take you back to the start, where shit truely went down. It was the day after my birthday and i was sitting at home, playing on my new console, with my best mates. My mum told me to go to the shops to get some milk, but thats when it happened, remember the hole chomping thing? Sometimes i feel if i would've been a stubborn little bastard like i normally was, i could've died with them insted of living in this hell hole. Theres nothing i can do anymore, i seem to be the last one on earth, which is funny because if you could see me you'd probably think, how could that little, long blond haired, dirty, freak show of a teenager get this far? No point asking me because i dont know either. Come to think of it i should probabluy get out of this "public toilet" before speedy mageedy out there, comes in and carves my neck like a fat guy that can't wait to eat his christmas dinner. Being a little guy has its moments, especially when you cn fit through a tiny toiley widow...probably no bigger than a toilet its self. You may think a toilet isnt the best place to hide, but these zombies are somthing else, for some reason they can smell you from a mile away. Thank fuck dartford park toilets still stink like piss and sweat months after no one has used them (and that's only the ladys) Oh and by the way i may have covered myself in some shit on the way out, now before you stop reading let me ask you something, even if you wanted to die, would you smother your self in shit so you can go find someone before you go even more mental then you are right now? And that's not me calling you mental so don't get triggered like the hole of facebook when a gorialla died. By now you would've fault that ive searched the hole of this town looking for people and you'd be right, the only reason im still here is because its all i have to remember my friends and family. Unlike the movies my family didnt, care to give me a heart locket with our pictures in it, so if you wanna read that kind of soppy shit, go find a dead girl's diary because all you're going to get with me is depressing shit. I just hope that one day people will actually come here, thats quite unlikely though. i dont even know why im writing in you because even if i do get attact and killed, theres no one to read my story and even if people do all its going to do is depress them, i guess thats all im really good for, anyway i'm saying all this stuff about wanting to die but i'm just contradicting myself, whenever i see one of those freaks of nature, i either kill it or run, i can't just stand there and let it take me otherwise im just as much of a wimp as you probably think i am. its been a few more days since i've wrote in you now, shit when down just after i left the toilet. The creepy cunt still court me, its definaltly not the best to clim head first out a window. but oh well i have my way of escape, or at least i thought i did but slowly over time the zombies seem to be evolving, at first they was slow zombies but over time they've been getting faster, harder to run from. The bathroom one especially. I use to be able to clime over fences to get away but they've been getting stonger, faster and for zombies, cleavier. This one just climed over the fence, still not as fast as i can but they're getting better, or should i say worse. I finally got away from it but this towns filled with them and as good as i am killing them, i dont want to use the gun to attract more of them so unless i find a good silent wepon, i think i have to keep running and hiding round this town. Anyway after i ditched that one, i looked for a better wepon, but thats where the trouble came from. As i was looking in a block of flats, near the park, to see if there was any wopons. I was on the top floor and on my last flat, i bacically gave up hope. I stood looking out the window, knowing that i was probably going to die soon. Then l heard this growl from behind me, i slowly turned round in fear, hoping the it didn't attack, my hands was shaking, breathing sounded louder than a festival. When i got far enough to see what was behind me, all i saw was a little girl, just staring at me. I didnt want to but i had to kill her, You know what they say, you gotta do what you gotta do to survive. Unfortunatly the thing i had to do was kill a little girl, that really didnt deserve what she had done to her. Oddly she looked fresh, the massive chunk on her neck looked like it only just been bitten, thats what made it worse to do this, she then realised that i wasn't just a pile of shit standing there and lept for me, before i could even think i shot her in the head, her courps just flung back and hit the floor in a bloody mess. I had to leave as soon as i could, feeling like more of a descrase of a person than i already was. That day really didnt go well for me. The next day was a lot worse. So far you've only seen a single zombie at a time but if you go to temple hill, its full of them and i mean full of them, if you ask me why they're so attrected to it, i'd say it probably has something to do with the smell. The night before i found a good spot that use to be a restaurant, to rest in, not that i really do that anymore becuase im always in fear of being eaten in my sleep but i tried to get a few hours. I woke up just as the nucular sun was rising and got up and out of there as soon as possible. When the human race is bacically wiped of the face of the planet and the ones that survive are trying to survive, no one cares anymore about petrol garages, nucluar plants and other things like that. What the movies tell you about them magically staying up is wrong. I've already had a garage blow up in this town and it was hard enough in the 1st week, with the slow zombies but now they're getting stronger, i was definatly not prepaired for what was about to come. Obviously i was hungery so i decided to go find some food after i woke up. as i was looking though the petrol garage to see if they had anything. I could'nt find anything in the frount because at the start of this people thought they was going to servive and ran in to shops like packs of savige animals. I went to look in the back because it was locked and i thought they would've had something in there, boy was i right. I knocked down the door by running into it with my shoulder, not as easy as those ass hole action movies made it out to be, it hurts like shit. When i got into it i could'nt believe my eyes, it was full of food, it may have just been caned food but why should i give a shit. i stuffed my bag with a good amount to carry and still be able to run, i locked the door with a chain i found outside and kept the key on me, so none of those flesh eating fuckers could get in and jump scare me when i go back. As i walking away all i heard was a massive expslotion and felt heat just hit the back of my head that knock me to the ground. I dont know weather i triped a wire or it just happened like the other one all i knew is it was going to attract a lot of them creeps. The only up side is that it may attract people, but then again i dont think i could talk to another person, its been so long. I got out of there as fast as i could but no fast enough. I didn't use my instinks and just turned a coner. There was too many to imagein coming from temple hill, they charged at me, with a hungry gave in there eyes. I had to run and try to lose them. I was going to use my gun but i only had 3 bullets left and i was going to save them just incase one of them pounsed at me or in worce case sinario, bit me, so i could take out one last zombie before i died. I rapidly turnt corners because they can't do it very well and its good to make distance from them as they're getting faster. I tried not to climb because it does wear me out too fast and i knew it was going to take a while to escape from this huld of zombie. After 5 minuets of non-stop running i lost about three quorters but the ones that was still on me was pasistent. I heded towards the lakes to lose the rest of them. I thought i lost them by climbing a tree and to my understanding it worked, they all ran past thinking i continued forwards. I waiting a couple of minuets to jump down the tree, as I went to jump down the branch i was on snaped. I know what you're saying, typical that it happened, but it did. I wasn't too high up, so i only landed with slight cuts on my hands and my legs hurt a bit. unfortuanty a near by zombie hurd me. With out me even being able to think the zombie darted at me, it grabed my leg and pulled me closer too it. I tried kicking it in the face but somehow it cought my foot its it gastly mouth and bit it, it hurt like no pain i could ever imagen. I pulled my gun out of my holster and shot it. For once i tried to copie the movies and take my foot off. Without debating it i shoot the bone just above my ancle twise and pulled my foot off. The pain was unbareable, so unbareable i fainted. As i fained, My brain whent into over drive, my life flashed before my eyes, i looked back onto everything i took for granted, my mum, my dad, friends, school, everyone and everything. Looking back i was such an ass hole. - Sorry about any spelling or grammar mistakes it only rough atm

scared and educated

 I had been having an urge to start some type of project, but never got around to it. Being the begging of a new year I decided to make it my new years resolution. However I was struggling to come up with a solid topic. So on new years eve instead of doing some honest brainstorming I was out getting hammer like the rest of the world.I mean like totally shitfaced, trailer trashed, obliterated, whatever you wanna call it. As unlikely as it seems though i had a dream that same night well i wouldn't call it a dream though. More like a hybrid between a nightmare and the most breath taking thing you've ever experienced.

 You see it was memorable,but at the same time choppy and static like if video was on a low resolution while loading a chunk of the video playing and then stopping again.

At first i was in front of my computer in my study writing at an alarming speed as if my life depended on it.I could see the words but apparently i was typing so fast it looked as if i was scrolling and i was unable to read them. i felt a deep yearning in my heart though while i was there as if my heart never truly existed before that exact moment. Like you were a kid and somehow just figured out how to fly or catch their own shadow would be if they had been trying for so long. What was the meaning behind these words that were flying past my face?

Was it some billion dollar idea i was just documenting so i wouldn't forget later, a secret i had to uncover waiting to be exposed, a journal perhaps, none of these really had any meaning to me so why did this specific thing make my heart yearn for something.

then i was someplace new and there was a man not too old but not young either in their 20-30 range and we were in some type of facility.he didn't say anything to me either just serenely stared at me. not in a way that was bothering just in a way as a father might look upon his son or daughter from afar at the Olympics. just proudly in awe of the moment and their love for them.

and the presence i felt from this man was nothing id ever felt before. calming yet stern. joyful yet realistic. present but yet so otherworldly.

last there was a great abyss, darkness beyond belief, it felt as if i jumped head first into a black hole. great pain and anguish.

i woke in a lake of terror and sweat. had i not known it was sweat i wold have thought i pissed the bed.

I need to write a fucking book.

the next day i started my topic brainstorming

being the psychologist that i am i figured my best suited topic would be about psychology. it seemed like a no brainier although just because you know a lot about something doesn't mean you can write a book about it.

for a few days while driving back and forth from my work i was mulling over topics. and i decided i wanted to write about how different disorders affect different people and what those same people used to behave according to their file at least.

i emailed a few local specialized hospitals because i wanted to go and visit and talk to patients with the most extreme cases of these disorders to make my writing more interesting

finally i got a response to go to one of the more major hospitals in my area and in the state since i live within an hour and a half away i scheduled a weekend where i could go there all three days friday through sunday to get some material.

friday came and i was on my way there slightly nervous in extreme cases patient can some times act very irradicaly to new people but i was informed i would be accompanied by satff at all times

i met went through the typical diagnosis patients like multiple personality, schizophrenia, extreme bipolar, some strange anomaly cases and the last person was diagnosed with religious delusions and had been here since 2012

he we 33 when he was admitted

we walked down a long hallway to a cafeteria and there was a man in a wheelchair with a beard and long brown hair. and immediately as i entered the room i recognized the presence. the face had eluded me from the dream but this prescence was undeniable

as we walked over getting closer the man beckoned me over lovongly calling me by name

“Hey anon you wouldn’t believe how much joy it brings me seeing your face knowing you chose to come here’

i was astonished yet also expected something explainable to happen. i mean i just had real deja vu of this very moment so how could i be surprised but i was.

i followed his orders and took a seat infront of him as there was a chair waiting for me.

he says after i sit down” i haven't done this in ages but i guess times are like they were back then”

back then? back when?

“oh you know “  as he tried to make what i interpreted as a boat floating in the ocean gesture with his hands

whats that supposed to mean?

“well let me put it this way the book you write is going to be more than a best seller and i heard that from a good authority as he pointed up towards the cieling.

the all of a sudden he reached over and gently gasped my wrist i didnt back away i wasnt scared just startled

“can you see them?”

see what?

i hadnt noticed in my peripheral many bright lights light they just put high beams on a new care on but it was just out of my field of view.

then i looked around.....

thousands 

thousands upon thousands of beings i can only describe as angels stood filling the cafeteria.

all just shy of the 12 ft ceiling each shined as brilliant as the next.

with their hands together as if they were praying

and i think they were 

but then came the most beautiful music that would grace my ears as countless orchestra instruments played in unmatched unity and perfection

a voice which sounded like many chimed words i knew but didnt understand all so familiar.......(part 1)

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if you read this far thank you your time and attention

part two will be out soon so dont worry if you like it let me know

ok i had a dream last night that like there was a ghost in my house

so the dream started off with some weird stuff with my dog. i cant remember Specific Events, it was almost like this was the Past and so i knew Of it but it wasnt currently happening. so like my dog has a pink collar irl, and in this weird backstory thing the collar had somehow disappeared, only for us to find an orange version of it somewhere in the house so we put that on

so in the Actual Current Events segment, i was home alone and my dog needed to go outside. so i took her outside as i heard my brother pulling up in the driveway. and so she did her thing and when i was on the patio i saw on the table that her pink collar was back. it had just appeared there. i was weirded out but i was like ok whatever and put it back on her. my brother came outside then and i was explaining to him what was going on

so fast forward to dinner then, my mom got home at some point, and so we were all at the dinner table. in front of the table we have this big bay window thing so there’s this ledge inside it that my mom puts a bunch of decorations on like candles and shit but theres still a small place to like, put stuff down. so we were all talking like normal (i even remember my mom asking about college stuff, like it was so mundane) when suddenly i looked at the ledge, bc i sit right in front of it its hard not to, and there was this plate with like. a sandwich on it, but the sandwich looked like only 2 slices of bread but it was cut in a triangle like a sandwich. so i was like “uhm. where did that bread come from”

now its weird bc i had another like, memory thing. it felt incredibly weird like i knew it happened but it wasnt actually in the timeline of the dream, it was just back ground knowledge within the dream. a few days ago at like 10pm i was in the kitchen getting water and i had seen the same bread in the same place but i was across the room, and i had thought it was just my dad eating something before bed. but then i had seen this large indentation grow on the bread as if something was pressing down on it, but nobody was over there. and i was in the middle of watching a minecraft video so i was just like OK! weird and i just brushed it off and went back to watching the video

BUT. then in the current timeline. i saw a similar thing happening to the bread. i was closer this time so it looked like a hand print but i still wasnt at the right angle so i got up to look and it was. a hand. in the bread. and then i remembered that weird “memory” thing and i just started getting really uneasy

i was like “oh my god its a hand. theres a ghost in the house” and i was freaking out a bit honestly. so i went to sit back down in my chair and then like. another plate of bread appeared right next to the other one. then it disappeared. literally me my mom and my brother were all freaking out and i started trying to video it. then the bread reappeared, but then it disappeared AGAIN but this time it left the plate and a small chunk of bread behind (almost like someone ate 97% of it in one shot)

there were like 30 seconds between each Occurrance so my brother was like “skip ahead!” for my video and i was like “no i dont want anyone to think i manipulated the video”

anyway so my brother just stopped caring by the end of it meanwhile i was like panicking. like theres a GHOST dude. and he didnt care, he just left to go hang out with a friend, and my mom was uneasy but not as much as me. and so i said to my mom “im terrified right now because when he’s out of the house i’m alone for a long time in the middle of the night. both you and dad are asleep so early and when he’s not around i’m all alone for a solid 2-3 hours in the middle of the night. i’m gonna be alone with a ghost at night, i’m terrified”

and like NO ONE was treating me seriously even though like IRL WITHOUT a ghost i’m still so damn uneasy at night. LIKE LEGIT i’m basically home alone for several hours at night because my parents go to sleep so fucking early. when my brother’s home from school it’s a BLESSING because i’m finally not the only one awake at fucking 10pm, the problem is that he’s often out of the house anyway so he may only come home at like midnight or 1am so i’m still Alone from 10-12 or even 9-12

anyway i woke up for school and my first thought was that like. ok my fears were valid but like, the ghost wasnt hostile? and so maybe if we had like. established communication idk. then i’d feel better about it. but like Writing Letters To The Ghost In Your House is probably a fiction thing so lmfao whatever. then i was just focused on not forgetting everything while i got ready so i could type this out lol

Macedonia? Or is it north Macedonia? Hmmmm

Another day another blog post. Yes I am writing again, this one less out of excitement and a desire to educate my readers but to make sure I dont forget visiting the country thats name seems in the unenviable and inevitable position if needing to be changed to placate the angry Greeks. This, all to join the organisation Britain is fighting tooth and nail losing out on millions of pounds to leave. The irony. Yes we've left Macedonia now as we're in Bulgaria safe and sound. This will be a brief post as we did little owing to time pressures and illness. That brings me nicely to my current situation. I'm sat here outside a doctors surgery as Alina is getting her stomach checked for an ailment that is hitherto undiagnosed. We've had ideas that it may be a bug, a tumor or an organ infection (not a very exhaustive nor appetising list of potential maladies to have). We have also predicted her lifeline to be hours, days, years or maybe even millennia if the Bulgarian hospital system is so good it is currently working on eternal life. But who knows. I'll probs know in about five minutes. I'm not confident they are tho, but I'm also quire confident Alina's life expectancy is more than a few days. But I digress.

Yes, our time in Macedonia was brief and relatively unremarkable. We visited lake ohrid and skopja before leaving and this to.e was thwarted by an inability to be too active due to sickness, this is no great issue tho as Macedonia isn't the biggest or most exciting country in the world. Our time there however, began in quite amusing fashion on the back of the journey from sarande to ohrid, the journey I wrote my Albania pieces on. I say amusing... It was a long day... Very long. It worked out at a cool 11.5 hours of travelling. Eeeeewww. It was a slog, I'd actually forgotten how long it was tbh, now just recollecting it I'm remembering the length and sweatiness etc. So it began with a journey to a town beginning with r (the leg I posted from) then it was a hitchhike to a roundabout from a stop at the side of the road in the middle of nowhere. This was followed by another hitchhike from the roundabout, we were sat on a motorway roundabout hitchhiking. Let that sink in. It was ridiculous but amusing nonetheless. We then chilled in el basan for a bit and got food before deciding to hitchhike the remaining journey because wed have had to wait 3 hours for the bus. This brought upon us the most eventful leg. We were picked up by a 27 year old guy in a VW golf sport and his little brother. We were driving, he was driving, very fast. I say this and don't mean it lightly. I think he clocked up 180km/h at one point. This was on a single carriageway with turns. We were terrified. Fearing death I proceeded to put my belt on subtlety and have normal conversation. He'd overtake every car at the last second, literally from less than a foot behind them he'd swerve out and bomb in down the road. I glanced at alina, she gave me a steely look back, I didn't want to hear her verdict... Then just before we were getting out he proceeded to ask if we smoked weed. My worst fears confirmed... They were both stoned. Lord Almighty. While I felt safe my tensions rose and we couldn't wait to be out although it must be said we did get a good chunk of the journey out of the way in that half an hour. This left us near the Macedonian border at maybe 3:30. The day was getting late and we were desperate for the last lift. We had no luck but then a bus came past and we jumped in as it drove us to the town before the border. While trying to find a lift to struga on lake ohrid our bus driver, it turned out, was getting a lift there in half an hour. Easy, €5 for the two of us and we were there. Sadly it was not this easy (it never is). Finally the car came. We jumped in and he drove us all to a garage where he began to fix the car... Really? Now? Not tomorrow? Please just get us there. There was no panic, just exasperation at this point. After another 20 minutes we left. Wicked, all we had was the border crossing and we were in the home stretch. He then proceeds to stop at another garage to chat to some guys and to the best of our knowledge pick up another man. Luckily for us (as we were crammed In the back) he didnt pick him up. We drove on up the mountains to the border, this was when the car began to give up on us. It clunked, semi stalled and whined willing us to stop. We persevered. We climbed the mountain in painstakingly slow fashion but alas, we made it. This was when the real magic happened. Waiting for our turn we mused and consulted each other on a poster next to the border guards office. It was a poster of two handcuffed hands poking thru some bars and said (in Albanian) something along the lines of "no to corruption". Then we moved forward and the guys in the front gave our passports to the birder guard. They talked and he gave over some documents and some money. He let us thru, very simple indeed and it was on to the Macedonian side. Same again, over go the passports. The guard gets aggressive. Something to do with us, we're very in the dark however, and the driver says something about tourists. The border guard shouts. Our drivers panic, grab some money put it in the documents and hand them over.... I snigger in amazement. The guard gives back the passports and we were thru ahahahah. Our drivers, we think, had been  done for not being an official taxi and had bribed both security guards to get us over, lol. Which surely must have cost them more than our agreed €5. It was great, especially as it came 10 metres after the anti corruption posters. Amazing. The last part of this journey ended in similarly incredulous and amusing fashion as they tried to drop us off 2km before our hotel for the night. We argued and got them to drive the extra 3 minutes to get us there. We'd made it. After a long old day we'd made it. Now I can tell you what we actually did in Macedonia now.

As previously stated illness thwarted our time in struga on lake ohrid as Alina felt grim the whole time. Side note she is now in a proper hospital (not just a clinic) having just had an ultrasound to work out if there is a problem in her stomach area. This is the next day by the way, I only wrote parr of the article yesterday because the examination wasn't very long. We hope there is no issue but we'll find out in ten minutes or so. Yes so we did little on the lake except for one day I went for a trip to ohrid town and charged around trying to see everything touristy in a few hours so I could be back in good time. Dont worry i saw it all, the monastery on the lake, the castle, the views, the old town, the bazaar and I even went for a swim. It was all beaut. Apart from that our time was highly uneventful and we chilled.

Next up was skopje, the capital city of Macedonia. We had a good few days there still plighted by illness. One thing that stood out about Skopje was the number of statues. There are hundreds. They come in ALL forms representing ALL of society. I've never seen anything like it, at one point we were stood next to a park and I could see 12 statues around me. They have them dedicated to shoes, mums, dancers, war heroes, politicians, couples, lions, workers, literally anything you can imagine: they will have a statue of it. Its mad, seriously. Anyhow apart from that we went to matka canyon as you can see from my previous post which was lush and the boat tour was very picturesque and atmospheric. Yep so there is little to say about our time in Macedonia but I'm happy I'm banged this piece out anyway.

We have had the news on Alina and she needs surgery for what we think is appendicitis. Although with the broken English we aren't 100% sure.

It should all be fine as she has the surgery tonight, by the time I post this it'll probs all be done. #Pray4Alina

This will probably inevitably lead to me to writing a piece about hospitals and the NHS and having issues abroad. Especially if I have time to kill while waiting for the surgery. Fingers crossed.

G.