if dndads existed and was like super popular ten years ago on this website, the amount of scam likely and well actually selfcest would be INSANE

SJM Live Event 9.26.2023

This was so fun! I loved the questions and rapport between Christian Lauren and Sarah. Below is a recap of what was discussed :)

She looks great!

They met years ago when SJM was still writing TOG (on book two)

COURTOFMASS helped narrow down the questions so AYY fandom

CL likes to see when people try to summarize the SJM’s books so they asked SJM to summarize CC

SJM’s palms were sweating (LOL) and she summarized it as “a mix of urban fantasy, fantasy, fantasy but modern world - kick ass snarky heroine who goes on a journey of self-discovery and healing with hot ass dudes and hot sex”

“Doesn’t look any family members in the eye” because of her smut (lol)

SJM doesn’t look at any theories. “I say no in the most loving way”

She doesn’t have social media on her phone so she’s not lurking around on the internet. She just wants to stay in her creative bubble. Every now and then a friend will send her something “lol look at this crazy theory” 

Creating CC / what was that like? 

It was a year-long process and ongoing as she was writing it. She’s back living in NYC and growing up in the city inspired a lot of this book. The idea came to her on a plane while on tour (possibly HOF) and she heard a piece of music, and saw Danika’s voice reaching out to Bryce. It’s when she burst into tears and Bryce came to life (she’s told us this before). She kind of worked in reverse as it unraveled in her mind. It’s something she thought about for years and it was her “fun” / side project. Over the course of a bunch of years, until TOG was starting to wrap up, she kept coming back to it. 

This was the story she wanted to tell because she loved Bryce and Hunt so much by that point. It was over the course of years daydreaming about this story and peeling away the images of the story. She had a lot of fun writing this book.

How does she keep track of the worlds she creates?

Publisher has an official bible which they constantly reference and she has an awesome editor that remembers all the important stuff and small moments/lines. She has a terrible memory in real life but SJM keeps all her stories occupied in her brain. Also keeps a bunch of notebooks.

We don’t know much about Hunt’s origin so are we going to find out about his parentage and background in the next book? 

We will learn more about Hunt in the next book. As for his well-being, “I make no promises. I’m not saying anything about anything.” LOL. “I will say that when I was working on HOSAB my editor and I were thinking about what was the most horrible thing that could happen.” Originally she considered him getting his wings chopped off again but her editor was like “what can be worse” and it’s the slave tattoo again. A new level of trauma for him to unload in the next book. “He has a lot of room to grow and shit to deal with it. Poor Hunt, he’s in for a journey coming up.” 

Will we find out more about the Autumn King? Does he connect to the Autumn Court?

Yes, we will learn more (about him not necessarily yes to the Autumn Court connection). “He’s not a father in any way.” In the process of writing and editing, he’s become one of her favorite to write because he’s so horrible and terrible. He’s capable of doing the right thing but doesn’t. He’s just a fucked up, horrible person. It’s a lot of fun to put opposing characters in a room to see what happens (bryce vs autumn king). It’s so satisfying for her to see a woman get one up on a douchey asshole.

Ruhn question - Some headcanon in the SJM fandom (that I didn’t quite catch but it made them all laugh) Something about Ruhn and vibrators? Sarah nearly fell down the stairs laughing about this. Now that she’s thinking about sweet Ruhn and where he is, she feels bad. (SARAH NO).

Talked about her writing process - Sometimes she will write a whole draft and realize it’s not what she wants. When she was working on HOFAS, she was going through some shit (didn’t want to elaborate) and she wrote the whole thing but then she didn’t like it. She was “meh” about it. She knew she hadn’t found the right story and it wasn’t good enough. She is very intense about her writing and wants to put her very best writing out there. 

There’s a little bit of an extra gap between the books because she had her baby but also she went through the first/second round of edits with other things going on that she wasn’t in the right space. She felt like she needed to throw out the whole thing and start over. She wrote a brand new draft in 4-5 weeks and then she found the story. A couple of scenes stayed from the first draft but almost of it is new. She never wants to put out any work she doesn’t believe in. “You can’t fix a blank page.” so it’s all part of the writing process for her. 

For example, the book she’s working on now - spent the whole day writing a scene but she doesn’t like it and it’s part of the process. 

What it was like waiting for readers to get to the ending of HOSAB / Another author asked about when she decided to crash her worlds together the author can’t fathom that Sarah didn’t plan this out from the beginning so when Aelin went through the worlds and Rhys sees her - “Are you some crazy genius where all these little breadcrumbs come into your brain or was it intentional?” 

Not a genius in any way. Talks about her son and how he says “I’m Sarah J Mask” - her kids keep her humble (lmao). Her son is obsessed with Taylor Swift so it doesn’t matter what she does, she’ll never be Taylor Swift so she’ll never be cool (lol). She loves Taylor and has so much respect for her and now she knows all her songs because they only listened to her in the car. She has the little golden book of TS for her son (LOL). In the eyes of her son, TS is the only creative genius and she is all for it. 

When it comes to the ending of this book, she knew for a while and knew these worlds overlapped before she started working on KOA. She knew Aelin was going to crash through these worlds and had already started daydreaming on CC. When she wrote that scene of Aelin, she wanted her to go through the ACOTAR world and see Feysand then had her go through the CC world. When she was really working on CC officially, while daydreaming about it, she got into this idea of the worlds and how they’re all technically connected. She remembered having this “what the fuck” moment of HOSAB’s ending. “I don’t know what’s happening to my body” and everything clicked in. While working on CC1, she was able to plant some seeds.

When she finally wrote the end of HOSAB with Rhys, she cried. Things had just completely gone to shit in CC and “my wonderful Rhys” comes in. One of her favorite parts that she’s ever written. 

Will we see ACOTAR characters coming in/having POVs? - “I’m not saying anything about anything.”  We will see some of the ACOTAR world. It basically picks up close to where we left off.

Is Dankia really dead - “Um, yeah.” LOL “She is dead and as much as I wish was miraculously living, she’s dead.”

Is Connor really dead - “Yes?” LOL

Does Emil really have no powers? - Passed on answering this. “I like it.”

With magic being weaker in the modern world, do mates mean the same thing in the fantasy (ACOTAR/TOG) as they do in the modern world? - Pass because (they started speaking over each other here but I assume it will be because we will understand more of this in HOFAS). 

Is Hunt really Bryce’s mate - “Am I going to destroy some kind of theory?” She answered, “YES, HE IS HER MATE.”  She talked about how she’s changed the LI in her other series (the FMC’s first LI not being her last one) but with CC she kept the same LI from the beginning to the end -  “If they both make it to the end.” (she’s so mean for this LOL)

When the first ACOTAR book came out, it was hard for her to keep Feysand a secret because people would tell her how much they loved Tamlin and she had to just smile awkwardly about it (lolol).

How much of Bryce’s power has she accessed? - We’ll see in the next book!

They talked a little about parenting and their kids aging and personal stories for a bit. 

CL mentioned SJM previously saying that people won’t need to read ACOTAR to read CC and vice versa. Is that statement still true? - “You should read ACOTAR and if you haven’t read ACOTAR and get to HOSAB, it’ll make you want to read it.” She had them put an AD in the back of HOSAB for people to read ACOTAR. She then said, “I do not stand by that statement. I renounce this statement. Read ACOTAR first.” (👀)

Discussed the cover of HOFAS and whether the cover has a dragon head - “I am not saying anything. There are always easter eggs.”  She added, “We made sure there were many easter eggs.”  It’s probably her favorite cover. It came together so beautifully. 

Did she write HOSAB in order? - She’s always super pumped to write her endings. She has to write in a linear/chronical fashion and she dangles the ending as motivation. She was powering through the rest of the book so she could get to writing the endings of HOSAB. It was the same with ACOSF with Nesta in the Blood Rite and saving Feyre. 

What were some of the most fun/favorite/hardest scenes- In HOEAB, when Hunt discovers Bryce’s unicorn collection. Sarah has collections of My Little Pony and has been in bidding wars for them. She loves them LOL.  Another scene will always be Bryce and Danika doing the drop. She still cries thinking about it. “Call me sentimental, cheesy, or whatever - I believe in our darkest moments we aren’t alone.”  That scene means a lot to her. 

In HOSAB - she loved the opening of the book where they’re basically at a frat party “Wonder where the inspo for that came from” LOL / She loves the little moments of them living their lives and getting to be themesleevs in between disasters. She loved it when Ruhn was super stoned lmao. She also loved the scene with The Hind and Ithan in the bar as well as the end of HOSAB with the Hind revealing herself to her Ruhn; she cried a lot while writing those scenes. 

She gets so emotionally involved with her books/characters. Most of the book is what she loves. She needs to be obsessed with her book because she has to read it over so many times and stay in love with it as she rereads it.

She remembers seeing tear stains on copies of her manuscripts. She loves all her characters so much and they make it worth it across all the series. They feel real to her.  She’s getting to see them in all aspects of their lives. 

Three Bigger Questions - 

One of the reasons they clicked as friends is because they have the same fangirl heart - CL loves her passion for things. How does it feel to have this fandom follow her the way she follows her favorites? Sarah mentions how she was a fangirl of CL first. 

It feels weird to even say fandom for her books. It’s beyond anything she’s ever hoped for herself. There’s no ego here but she grew up as a fangirl for so many things so it blows her mind that people connect with these characters and worlds and that they mean something to them. She also has a profound sense of gratitude that she gets to do what she loves because of the people who read her books. She’s deeply appreciative of the joy and enthusiasm we bring to the books. It’s a very humbling and moving thing to inspire someone. 

Every time she sees someone reading her book, she walks up to them and talks about it apparently! One girl on the street walked by her and Josh and they saw a tattoo of the mountain with three stars and they wanted to ask her about it. Sarah sent Josh to ask her about her tattoo. “He wasn’t cool about it, he just blurted it out.”  She then introduced herself but the girl didn’t seem to believe her HAHA. “No makeup and in regular street clothes. I think she thought I was a lunatic on the street. I don’t think she left the encounter believing it was me.” “I’m going to be quiet and not scare people anymore.” 

She saw a guy on the subway reading ACOMAF “Is he reading some sexy ass stuff on the subway?” but he was reading it because his gf was reading it.

It blows her mind seeing people read her books in real life just like seeing her book on shelves never gets old. 

Now that CC3 is done, what are you working on now? 

Currently working on/drafting the next ACOTAR novel! That’s all she will say. She has become so focused and excited writing this book. She described it as the feeling when you’re first obsessed with someone and all they’re thinking about. For the next god knows how many months or “a million years”  LOL

WARNING- THIS IS VERY LONG AND ALL OVER THE PLACE PROCEED WITH CAUTION AND IM SORRY IF READING THIS GIVES YOU BRAIN DAMAGE, I WROTE IT WITH ANOTHER PERSON HENCE THE CONFLICTING OPINIONS

ok the reason ‘a change of heart’ stands out is because of the contrast (or call it conflict) between the instrumental and vocals. we need to realise how slow (and soft) matty’s voice is and how it is barely catching up to the beat yet meeting it perfectly. To me, there is no audible evidence of any musical instrument in their conventional tone (except drums but we’ll leave it for now). There is no saxophone. And the spaces in the bridge are filled with splashes that sound comical if nothing else. It’s almost as if this weren’t meant to be a song coming from a band but a soundtrack born out of choices.

I personally think that Matty's lyricism resembles stream of consciousness writing. It is a Narrative process that replicates a person’s direct thought process so the words are written almost as if there is no barrier or filter between the brain and lyrics. Matthew Healy is a mentality writer for he has a crazy sense of introspection and his writing is hugely interrogative and cerebral. Where songs like love me, ugh, the sound are revelling in pastel shades of pink and orange, acoh is a black and white tragicomedy questioning the genuineness and legitimacy of the relationship.

i feel that acoh doesn't "question the genuineness and legitimacy of a relationship". it's made to be a scream to your ex letting them know you're not scared to admit the song. As someone who has come out of a "relationship", somebody else is a phase of jealousy that hangs after things break apart. it's the memory of your ex with every song you hear. it's fear of losing the person to somebody else when you have no right left. It's frustrating because you have no control. acoh is letting go, and moving on. its recollecting facts for how they are. acoh is a retreat, both physical and emotional, from the place that now seems draining. it's leaving a part of yourself to that place. (morning, new person)...

Matty understands that love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, nor does it boast on the internet. The partner pointing out the lacklustre things in the singer makes the listener understand that love does not dishonour others and is not self seeking and even when the relationship hits rock bottom, love always perseveres. The narrator has come to terms with the fact that love or a relationship is not a performance that should without fail have the significant other engaged, rather it's pouring out your heart and entrusting them with your own self.

The emotional and physical “retreat” presented in the song shows that it was all nice while it lasted and tells us how the toughest decisions can bring about the best outcomes. The narrator nurses the pains and scars of the relationship, penning down the now erased feelings, he is feeling everything so as to feel nothing.

The partner only "worries" about the narrator out of pity. The narrator doesn't grow these feelings from choice but necessity, for survival, to remain sane. A change of heart is not about love but a relationship that failed. It's not a song that wants to retrospect rather shame the person who left. You need to understand that nothing remains nice while it lasts and then doesn't. It rots while you're trapped, then pops like a bubble. The scars aren't "nursed" but replaced.

As the song reaches its close, it opposes the idea that vulnerability is synonymous with a complete loss of control, and is therefore incompatible with power as the singer finds himself capable of falling in love again.

The love feels like emotional exhaustion, it becomes a repeating seesaw game when the ups and downs aren't fun anymore. The singer realises that The parallel between them had never existed. So now instead of dragging on, the singer decides to get off. One can also interpret the seesaw metaphor for the way the narrator sees his partner in present and what he once saw her as.

"You're mad thinking you could ever save me" can be interpreted as a subconscious hit to the narrator's psyche. The song tells us that the narrator was a saviour (reference to the subtle art's saviour). What's different in their relationship is that the saviour gets off "the seesaw" first. He is tired of making things right and admits it to himself before the partner does it for him. The partner's comments are only fabrications and lies. Thus, they exist to not tell a story, but to make the narrator doubt the only actions he thinks he must do.

The narrator has this moment of epiphany when he finally realises that he doesn't need someone else to justify his own existence. The partner is more so obsessed with the idea of love rather than the person as she incessantly draws out the dignity from the narrator. She is using someone else in a parasitically symbiotic relationship for almost entirely social reasons. Using another person to fill the need for dramatic distractions that define individuality gives the narrator the perspective that everywhere you go (referring to the ‘city’) relationships are a script of narcissism and devotion for the sake of itself.

I think the only reason the relationship fails is because relationships are tough. Tough not only because of the emotional damage or jealousy they inflict but as in a difficult subject that needs to be learnt. A relationship is like two magnets that face north to north. It has friction, which is nothing but arguments that are tough and comments that are honest. But it is still getting closer when everything is at odds, when everything tries to pull you apart. It is being okay with the fact that your partner will get harder and harder to touch even with every inch you move towards them. It is being open to giving them the space and distance they need, never stepping in on their fields. Because love will then be a moment when you try to look away, finding yourself being pulled right in.

i really am despairing and just hopeless in a way that i genuinely dont think ive been before and its rlly fucking with me. like, by all acounts, i am More supported than i have been before, and thats almost part of the problem? i feel ungrateful for feeling So Bad. i don't do Anything, i dont attend uni, i dont write my essays, i dont have a job, i dont clean my flat, i dont rlly cook a lot. of the things that Have to happen so we can continue to live in this flat, or i can continue to access medical services so my life doesnt get worse: those things are often put off way past the last minute and i need a lot of support to do at all. also, rn my life is mostly just calling A Service TM, getting a bullshit response, complaining, calling again, finally getting through to someone who knows whats going on, complaining, rinse repeat. ITS EXHAUSTING! not only that but sitting every day in bed or at my desk refreshing tumblr or staring at my screen saver thinking to myself 'what am i going to do?' and coming to the conclusion of nothing because i have nothing to do, i enjoy nothing, i want nothing, i cant concentrate long enough on anything or process information well enough to do things Anyway. ykw its not even true i dont Want to do anything. i do. i Want to write my essays, on some level i am genuinely interested in the topics. i just Cant. i want to read. i've been pretty keen on reading complaint by sarah ahmed for a while now or maybe rereading whipping girl or even giving notes on suicide another go? but i cant make myself start because i Know that i wont get far and its so fucking depressing. im getting so high, the come down is genuinely distressing because of how scrambled and disorganised my brain becomes and i become so afraid i will be like that forever. and yet i do it EVERY DAY! im struggling extremely badly with some interpersonal shit that has completely destroyed any self esteem or confidence i had in my appearance and my worth. add onto that that i am a massive Massive financial drain and even if i wasnt our finances are just.. Bad? so i was like, ok, fssw time again, that wont be too bad, i can do that. and then i fucking set up by whore phone and downloaded the grindr apk (and it was fucking horrible and evil to do and i hate that evil horrible useless phone) (also did u know u need to send in id for age verification on google now? 101 internet safety says to not do that are u crazy?) and started getting dms and i wanted to cry i got so overwhelmed. like idk if i can do it, but like.. i kinda gotta? idk man. im trying to see things positively? like, i got the form for the work capability assessment and spent all of yesterday photocopying medical letters which detail diagnoses and assessments and reference hospitilisations, etc but also the dwp are evil so who knows if its enough? im trying to get my pip reevaluated but they havent even sent me the Form for that yet? so again! who! knows! i feel like im in beurocracy hell and i cant leave? my uni are trying to work with me, but multuple medical professionals have told me to interrupt or drop out and like if people who are meant to be like have something in your life to keep you going dont think i can do it, what chance do i have of Actually doing it? i dont know what to do anymore.

okay okay had to put this in an ask because tumblr limits the length of comments and I have a lot to say, I'm sorry, this is going to be a lot (I'm not that sorry)

first I would like to reiterate that I see what you're doing setting us up for canonical pain. I SEE IT. I'm ready but not ready. Oof.

second, I love soft Neil. I love Neil and drinks. I love that he brought her tea. I love that he's a little bit sassy. The your honor comment? Golden. "I rest my case"?? "I am in bed"?? I love him your honor (pun intended).

not gonna bother numbering anything anymore because just aklhslfkajhlkdfa I wasn't kidding when I said this chapter is already making my brain do crazy things (specifically dial up internet noises and incoherent screaming). You write angst SO. WELL. I have never been so ready to be put through more pain. You seriously make me feel like I'm experiencing each and every emotion. I feel a little fucked up that one of the agents died and I don't even know them. That's how well you wrote that

also, the reader nerding out over the timeline software? I love it. I love this soft, smart reader. I have a feeling they're way more capable than they seem, if that makes sense. Love the tiny details you add too, to make them more real, specifically the type of drink they like (fruity but kinda sour)

throwing in a "what's happened's happened" as part of Neil's argument to love and get to know people, even at the risk of losing them? Fuck me up shet just do it already (again, I see what you're doing here and I hate it but I love it)

Oh oh oh and "I might not have a hall pass"!! Naughty Neil! Neil was definitely a secretly naughty schoolboy, I just know it. He got up to some stuff (movie quote reference intended).

I'm very sorry that this is like super long and incoherent and that it seems like I'm a little obsessed with you and your writing but like....I am. I want more. I will read whatever you write, forever, even if I have no fucking clue what the source material is. You're just so good! And I always know how much I love getting long asks like this so I figured I would spread the love!

tl;dr I'm obsessed, please keep it up, you're amazing, Neil and this reader are amazing, posterity is amazing

P.S. I'm ready to get a little more fucked up when I listen to the song for this chapter on the way home

(I'm done now I swear)

Okay, I will try not to randomly burst into tears, so forgive me for rambling.

And I'm not surprised you see it, but you know -

-- and I did, too.

(I might have just made this one on the spot, excuse the clunkiness)

Neil and drinks - I love this trope, and I know we already had some of it in the previous chapter, but I think he's exactly the person who would bring you something comforting to drink after a night like that. And he's a good listener so, of course, he made the right decision when it comes to the choice of the beverages. Aaaand he can be a little shit all the same, in the best way possible! In this house, we love a man who can do both 😌

Dial-up internet noises - Shelby, I CACKLED. And I'm glad you felt something during the KIA agent's part, however that may sound lol. I really wanted to capture those emotions and make you care about that poor guy even with so little time spent with him story-wise.

And it makes sense, yes! This Reader is capable of many things, I think they are a bit surprised that they show their vulnerable side so easily when it comes to Neil, but they can't help it and I don't blame them. And a drink of choice thing is such a great tool to tell a little bit about Reader without going into lengthy descriptions, I can't resist using it whenever I introduce a new reader.

Listen, the "what's happened's happened" - I swear it kinda...happened hah. These two are talking, I am nodding and typing it down, and then Neil drops this and I'm like - fuck me up, why don't you. 😂

I am all down for secretly naughty schoolboy Neil. Please, someone write 10k on that topic. Or 10 chapters, even better!

(You have no idea how much I appreciate random references like that)

Don't ever apologize for super long and/or incoherent comments, you said so yourself - that's every writer's dream made true, and I am tearing up again, damn you. Thank you so so much for taking the time to leave me one, and every kind word, I'm just-- 🥺

PS. Please let me know how you like the song, you can also throw in Old Stars by Fergus James and Dustin Tebutt, and Lullaby by Emmit Fenn while you're at it😏)

how are people "removed from your internet" like why did ian say that between israel & him i would nmver have to worry about michael again because they removed him from my internet. every time i look him up it generates a page not found image & im wondering if henry had anything to do with this because he would do shit like that, instagating my behavior & then calling me dangerous. its like, a very well known tactic & my therapist told me young men do this when they want to feel vindicated as a victim without being willing to share that title so they start pushing you when they know youre mentally ill & then call you dangerous. i shouldnt be worried about what that type of male thinks of me because i honestly feel really scared of what hes capable of pushing me towards & then acting so innocent. especially since he is thin & reserved. that automatically would make any male cop feel like a million bucks for defending him.

i cant believe my life turned into me talking myself down from hanging myself at the park across the street because a toxic mysoginist wont answer my calls.

yes i made a fucking attempt to look you up every new account i made because the alternative is that your friends are literally on my shit controlling the page returns & controlling what i do & do not have access to. that is scary as fuck. not to mention im the second autistic person that toxic ass dude has done this to, making his unchecked ableism just even more dangerous to the next person like me he unwittingly targets.

i hope he never recieves romantic satisfaction or feels loved ever again. may we suffer as one forever get him out of my head & let me feel my coffee high please

not to mention the worst part thus far is i'd put it down 99% on his friends, i mean i would fuck the everliving christ out of jon its NOT OKAY FOR HIS BULLSHIT VICTIMHOOD TO TAKE MY HORNY ASS & BENCH HER????? also israel mullinex? if that boy is controlling me ID LET IT HAPPEN THEYRE HOT AS FUCK??!??!?!?!?!?!?!? stop all this nonsense im hood rich i travel on public transport bc die hard leftist contributing to public transportation also fear of operating a vehicle with my chronic suicidality but im very attracted to these people & michaels feelings getting hurt (pretty sure he doesnt ever suffer) over me railing the fucking dogshit out of his bandmates is his problem not mine. its not okay. im mad about that the most. but i felt like i had to tell jon who i was. but that was kind of sexy tbh being denied even though i know how attracted we are to each other. id sit on him & wail i mean it. like maybe i just want access to his friends so bad bc they all fall under the category of "traumatised, suicidal, & hot musicians" & that happens to be the very one that makes me tweak my nipples & wipe my upper thigh of p*ssy juice. im disgusting im evil im full of lust & it shouldnt be reciprocated or held to a high standard.

i need to pray & cut myself so i can get the demon out but when i cut for the black blood it takes nearly all of my self control to keep from hitting major areas because i have to get the demon out cut it deep enough for the love to lead it out & the lust to make it leave anything to bleed

bleeding heart jesus chapter zoophile crazy girl let the lamb of god take me of my milk

you know what the thing is? the thing is that i can feel that i am better, so much better, but not done. i’m not there, i haven’t healed, and i don’t know if there is a destination called healed or if it’s an eternal journey. but i feel terribly lonely and incapable today. but still completely full of hope and patience. because i have had the most wonderful time so far this year and i know that it’s just a matter of time before i feel better again. i just have to rest before my strength returns. it’s been a rough life but i’ve been kind and patient and resilient, and i’ve made it out mostly. i’m in the good times now. the worst is in the past. i could be as happy as anyone else. i could be in love, i’m fulfilling my dreams. i’ll fail and i’ll lose and i’ll get back up. i just need to wait this out. this terrible blip in my good life. it is making me want to overeat to drown out my misery but i’m trying to eat the normal amount. trying to eat well, and to take care of myself. i feel kind of unattractive lately. and i can’t find the energy to do my beautifying ritual. i actually haven’t taken a shower in two days, i don’t think this will turn into a depressive episode but honestly if it does i’ll manage. i’ve been through so much worse. this is my journal and i don’t have to worry about how i look or sound in here because i know my intentions are and have always been good. i just want the best for myself and everyone else. if hyping myself is what i need, that is what i will do. i’m ridiculously hot, i’m driven and im talented and im capable, and im creative, thoughtful, kind, resilient, and i deserve to be happy. i love myself. that’s the only love i really need, my own. and my inner child is upset this week and i will handle her with care. everything is going to be okay, i am safe, i healthy, im trying my best. that is the most anyone can do. i dont need anyone else to understand me. i’m going to be okay. my friends love me, my sister loves me, i am appreciated and missed and i love them. this is my place in the world. i deserve to stay alive and eat and sleep and study and to fail and learn from my mistakes. i’ll take care of my health again and as a bonus, im not starting from square one this time. my room is relatively clean. my finances are good. my fridge is stocked. my rent and bills are paid. it’s going to be okay.

and about not feeling like i’m good enough or capable enough, well nobody is born capable, people learn and i can learn and i can get better. it’s just a matter of learning more and practicing more, and it’s all so much easier when my mental health is better.

i’ve been eating through my telstra data like crazy. but what can a girl do you know. gotta use the internet. anyway, i’m trying to get up and do something. i don’t really want to bed rot. and as useless as it might seem to get dressed and go out, i should still do it, even if it doesn’t make me feel better. my heart is sad, i can physically feel it. can’t let a stranger make me this sad. ever. this is not who we are. we’re cool and fun and strong!!!!! everything will be okay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im literally happier than most people i know. and not in an ignorant and oblivious way. i’m happy in a reborn after a thousand painful deaths kind of way. i’ve made my peace with this world kind of way. i have found my place in the family of things kind of way. to love live even when i have no taste for it kind of way. not just despite the misery but because of it.

and besides i can use this sadness to my advantage. really listen to the sad playlists and let the songs hit.

🍓🐬🐷🔥⭐

⭐-cozy vibes. You exist perpetually in a state of oversized sweatshirts and comfy jeans or leggings. You have something warm to drink at all tomes, and a smile for others even when you don't feel it yourself because you just want others to be happy in life.

Vibe Ask Game

🍓 - Fem vibes, interesting! I'm assuming that this is because I'm a sweet individual who strives to listen more than solve who also has a passion for creativity and aesthetic things, and subconsciously or not, those are more often associated with femininity than masculinity. I would say in actuality, yes I do tend to lean fem (in clothing style) but if I was going to call myself fem or masc, I would say masc because I'm more comfortable with that. However I am not a man and being a man wouldn't be pleasant. I love being feminine, but I want to be feminine in a masculine way rather than a feminine way. It's weird, gender is complicated

🐬- Early adult vibes *cries (not literally)* thank you. I'm the youngest in my family and in most of my friend groups and basically everywhere I go I tend to be the youngest person there. And a lot of people, whether intentional or not, tend to treat me like I'm young. And yes, I know that there are functional and valid differences between age groups but I still hate it Because the thing is, to me, being treated like I'm young more often than not means I'm treated as less capable. Less responsible. Less smart. If I say something wrong or if I don't have evidence and research to go with things I say, people tend to get that voice where they're correcting you and doubting you and it makes you feel like a stupid child when you're not. And there's nothing wrong with children! I don't want them, but they're so much smarter and more capable than we give them credit for. It drives me crazy So to hear that I have adult-ish vibes, even if it's early adult vibes, is actually really comforting and flattering. I want to talk and be weird and say dumb stuff without feeling like it makes me less of a person. Without feeling like I've failed somehow. Just because I'm small and my voice is annoyingly high pitched and I look like I'm 12 sometimes, doesn't mean I'm any less worthy of respect or that I'm any less capable than anyone else Getting a little trauma dumpy here sorry, but this plays into my big fear of being seen as unreliable too. I always have so much I want to do and sometimes I try to do too much. And sometimes I'm not doing too much but because of mental or physical health issues or unexpected life things happening, I don't get everything I want to done on the timeline that I said it would. I feel like I'm always playing catch up on my own projects and obligations, even on things that should be low stress and pressure, and it's exhausting I don't want to let anyone down and I don't want anyone to think I'm not capable. I know that I am. I know that I'm responsible and I can be reliable and I want to be and I want to be that person that everyone knows will always come through for them. Just sometimes it's a lot and I do things slower than I meant to or my brain dies and I forget about them entirely. And that's not completely my fault either, I have a lot of things making life more complicated for me, it's just- yeah. It's a lot Anyway, the point is thank you. I really do hope that I come off as mature and dependable and a good person. Because I try really hard to be that

🐷- Friendly vibes. Good! I am extremely friendly! I love people so much and I always want to meet new people and make new friends and I'll probably end up overextending myself again trying to help them all (because I do that), but I've gotten a lot better at that. And internet friendships take a lot less out of me than in person friendships do. I'm always happy to meet new people and have conversations and you are always welcome to come and bug me about whatever you want and even if I don't respond quickly or very interestingly, I love to listen and I'm probably just tired

🔥- ha ha, yeah accurate. I am a Smol, in more ways than one. My family and I make a lot of jokes about me being a twig because I'm so short and skinny. I used to want to be shorter when I was young because shorter = easier to fit into small spaces. I never got the whole tall hype vibe. I get it a bit more now but honestly, I'm happy with my short height. Not too small but definitely still small.

⭐- cozy vibes. Absolutely I hope so! I love cozy. I almost always have a blanket with me at home and I'll often be curled up wherever I'm sitting. "You exist perpetually in a state of oversized sweatshirts and comfy jeans or leggings." Comfy jeans or leggings 100%. Comfy pants for the win. Oversized sweatshirts I love, but actually I don't wear them a whole ton. I think I used to more back before I developed a sense of fashion. I tend to wear long shirts that I tuck into my pants and it's a vibe and I look really cute. Lots of button up flannels because those are great for fighting dysphoria (wearing one right now lol, it's one of my favorite shirts) Highly recommend "You have something warm to drink at all times" hmmm oddly enough no. I always have water with me because water is life, but that's the majority of what I drink. I love hot chocolate, but I don't have a lot of it. I also drink herbal tea sometimes and I guess that's warm... if I was a coffee person, I'd probably have more warm drinks, but I'm not. It's mostly just water that I drink "A smile for others even when you don't feel it yourself because you just want others to be happy in life" I hope so! I really do just want everyone to be happy and if I can do something to help someone be a bit happier, I will gladly do it. I also love my smile so sometimes I'll smile for myself even if I don't feel it because it'll make me happier. I have a beautiful smile

I'm back!

I love writing and I've been missing the feeling of getting my thoughts out on paper, or in this case, the internet. So hello, I'm back!

The last time I wrote on this blog was in February and now it's September. A lot has happened since then. Makoto and I left Circuit Riders, moved from California to Colorado, started jobs, had a baby, and now have taken on the position of pioneering a whole new chapter of YWAM Denver as its campus leaders.

I have a lot of thoughts that have been flowing through my mind over the last six months. Having a baby and journeying through grief changes you as a person. Some parts of you shine brighter, some parts grow dim, and some parts appear out of nowhere. I have enjoyed getting to process life below the public's radar; it's helped me be more confident in who I am as I start to be more active on social media platforms again.

So what thoughts have I been thinking, you may be wondering...let me tell you!

Baby steps are good. Grief and motherhood sometimes makes you feel like you're out of control. The way you manage your time and what you're capable of doing in a day totally changes. At first, I felt super discouraged that things took way longer or that my mental capacity had shrunk. But it has allowed me to appreciate baby steps. I give myself way more grace now than I did before. Everything I want to get done in a day may not happen, but I accomplished at least a few things. Even if that was just regulating my grief and keeping my baby happy and safe.

Don't plan too far in advance and be flexible. I used to have so many goals and plans for my life. I was always thinking ahead. But I've learned that it's best to think short term. Don't get me wrong; if you're wanting to buy a house in the future, you'll need to plan how to save money for a down payment, maybe put in more hours at work, research locations and things you want in a house that fit within your budget. There is importance to long term thinking. But often times God will present something to us that wasn't on our radar and if we're too rigid in our idea of how life should look, we could miss out on something really special.

Life is in the little moments. I use to be a big bucket list person. Every new season, every new year, every new birthday I'd make a bucket list of ideas I wanted to accomplish. Go to this place. Do this activity. Change this behavior. But since having our son, I've learned the magic I'm looking for is literally in the smallest moments. Giving our son a bath and seeing him splash the water with joy, going on a walk and watching how the sun hits the trees, making a cup of coffee and realizing how complex the flavors are. I was so busy looking for the next big accomplishment that I was missing how special the little moments were.

Express yourself. I used to be very self reliant and hated conflict; to the point where I'd intentionally lose board games because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings by playing to win the game. Or if a group of us were planning a night out, I wouldn't express my opinion because I wanted other people to be happy. But I'm learning that it's okay to say what you want and to do things that bring you joy. If you don't want to do something, it's okay to pass on the opportunity. If you are hurt by something, it's okay to let the person know. I feel like I've been learning how to express myself in a healthy way so that I don't end up resentful.

So there ya have it; a few things I'm learning right now. I hope you're learning things about yourself and figuring out how to really live this life. It's crazy that we only have this one life and we aren't guaranteed tomorrow. I pray that I can live each day to the fullest, focusing on what really matters and I hope that you will feel that way too.

Until next time,

Danielle

Need a place to save my life’s work for keeps- they do say the internet is forever...

I have fears of losing my master music collection that I’ve been curating since I stole an ipod out of a drunk dudes tent while he was passed out in my backyard and hand recorded each song so, without further explanation, may I present “The Collection” in complete text file. 

COLLECTION 1:

11 Girls 12 12 13 She Way Out 14 Menswear 15 Play It Loud 15 Pressure 18 25 to life 27 1000 nights 1983 1994 1996 1998 A heartbreak A million men Acadia Achievement Acid rain Adderall Addict with a pen Addict Afraid Again Against the grain Agnes Ain't gonna drown Air I breathe Alaska All about us All day and all of the night All the kids are depressed Alone Always An art gallery could never be as magnificent as yo Anchor Another brick in the wall Apologize Are you gonna be my girl Asshole Astoria At seventeen Atmosphere Away Ayahuasca Back to you Backbeat Bad Bitch Bad boy Bad habit Bad liar Bad Reputation Bad things Ballin Barbed wire Barcelona Basket case Be wherever you are Beautiful Because We Can Beggar In The Morning (Barr Brothers) Beggin for thread Belong Berzerk Beside you Between us Big girls don't cry Big machine Big yellow taxi Bills Bite my tongue Bitter leaf Black And Yellow (Dirty) Black Betty Black Holes Blackbird Bleed it out Bleed Bleeding out Bliss Blood in the cut Blood water Boogie Born to die Bourbon Break my heart again Breakeven Breathe me Breathe Broken bones Broken Brother Bruises Bubbly Bud like you Build it better Bury it Buzzcut season California rain Call me Calm down Can't stop Capable Capsize Carry on Cavern's dark Caves Cecilia and the satellite Ceilings Celebrity status Chanel Change it all Changes Charlemagne Charlie brown Chasing cars Chasing pavement Chateau Chemicals Chemistry Chills Chris Collins - Ain't Ready Chris Tomlin - Good Good Father Chris Young - Goodbye Chris Young - I'm Comin' Over Chris Young - Lonely Eyes Cigarettes & Loneliness City life Clarity Classy girls Clementine Cleopatra Clocks Coastline Cocaine Coconut water Cold wind blows Come and get your love Come hang out Come Together Comfort of strangers Connection Conquest Could it be another change Crazy bird Crazy love Cringe Cross my mind Dance Dancing in the daylight Dani California Dark necessities Day gaunts Daydream Daydreamer Days move easy Deep end Defeated Different Dissolve DNA Do I wanna know Do it alone Do you feel it Done with love Don't bring me down Don't Forget Where You Belong Don't just sit here and drink yourself to death Don't let me get me Don't threaten me with a good time Don't Dots and dashes Down on my luck Downtown Drama Drift Drive Drops Of Jupiter Drug ballad Drugs 2 Drugs 3 Drunk Ease Echo Edge of town Elegy Elevator Eminem - Drug Ballad Eminem - Without Me End of the summer Ends of the earth (live) Epiphany Eros and Apollo Ever since new york Everybody gets high Everybody wants to rule the world Everything is alright Eye to eye Eyes closed Face Fake you out Fall for you Fall Fancy shoes Far alone Faux Favorite color is blue Feel it still Feeling whitney Feels Female energy Fight song Fire and the flood First time he kissed a boy First Flashed Junk Mind Fool for love (live) Fool for love Foolish love Forces of the unseen Foreplay Forever ago Forget about dre Freaks and Geeks Friends From the dining room Full disclosure Genghis Khan Geronimo Get away Giants Girl I met on the internet Girls like girls Girls your age Girls, Girls, Boys Give me one reason Give me something Go flex Go fuck yourself Go God I hope this year is better than the last God is on the move Gold Good girl Good man, bad man Good old days Gotta be somebody Green light Greenback Boogie Grown up Gummy H.S.K.T Halcyon Hall of Fame (ft. will.i.am) Hallucinogenics Hands on the wheel Hannah Hard feelings Harry Styles - Sign Of The Times   Hash pipe Heartbeat Heaven Hello my old heart Here comes a thought Here it goes again Here we are Hideaway Highschool Holdin out Holocene Holy Spirit - Francesca Battistelli Home Homegrown Homesick Honey sweet Honey whiskey Hopeless Hors d'oeuvre Hot mess Hotel Andrea Houdini How we feel I Am Who Am I built a friend I can't stand it I don't mind I Dont Wanna Live Forever - Zayn and Taylor Swift Cover I feel everything I follow rivers I get knocked down I hate myself for loving you I have made mistakes I know what I am I know you care I know you love to fall I love you so I might I need a woman I need some sleep I run empty I told you I was mean I wanna get better I want to feel alive I Will Always Be Yours I will follow you into the dark I will follow I won’t give up Iggy Azalea - Work I’m alive I’m an Albatraoz I’m not famous I’m not really fine I’m ready I’m with you Imma Be Impossible In my head In my veins In spite of all the danger In the end In too deep Ink Innocence Insecure Into the sun Iridescent Island In The Sun Islands It’s;s not my fault, I'm happy It’ss not over It’ss on us It’ss time Jenny Jet Pack Blues Jocelyn flores Juicy sweatsuits Jukebox Hero Jump Just can't get enough Just to get high Kate Voegele - Hallelujah Keep your head up Kids Killing me to love you Kings Kiss like a woman Kitchen sink L.S.D. La la la Laser gun Last of her kind Latch - Kodaline Laughing on the outside Leave a trace Lemon boy Lemon to a knife fight Let you down Letdown Let's Skip To The Good Bit Liability Lies, Lies, lies Lifted up Lighters Like gold Like toy soilders Lil Wayne - Mirror (feat. Bruno Mars) Little do you know Little secrets Little Things Little white lies Location Lone digger Lonely alone Lonely boy Lose yourself Lost generation Lost in space Lost kitten Lost song Lost Love again Love game Love is mystical Love like this Love lockdown Love on the brain Love somebody Love Loveless Lover boy Lovesick Mad behaviour Mad Sounds Mad world Magnets Malibu Mama always told me Mars Me Medicated Meet me halfway Meet me in the woods (live) Memo Mercedes Benz Mercury Middle fingers Migraine Mockingbird Moments I’m missing More Morphine Mountain to move Mr Jones Must be the ganja My band My fault.m4a My generation My house My Lighthouse (The Rend Collective) My name is My own worst enemy Nancy Drew Need you now Neptune Netflix & Dusse Netflix Never enough New fears Nightshift No angels No CD No faith in brooklyn No interruption No love No name No scrubs No stranger Norwegian Wood Nostalgia Not afraid Not too late Nothing without love Nothing wrong with me Numb Number one Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da Ocean eyes Oceans Ode to the bouncer Oh well Old friends Old pine Old school turntables On the other side On top of the world On top of the world One man town Ooh la Ophelia Out of it Out of mind Overdose Owl City - Fireflies Paint Paper crown Paper moon Paper thin Parasites Past lives Peach pit Peanut butter jelly Perfect day Perfect places Perfect.wma Pills n potions Pink lemonade Pink Love Plastic dreams Play with fire Pleader Please don't say you love me Plot twist Pork soda Pretty little gangster Priorities Promise Promising light Pump up the jam Punchin bag Punching in a dream Purple Haze Questions Radio Rap God Raw Ready to change Rebel Rebel Rebel Recover Rental Replay Revenge Ribs Ride River Rivers and roads Robbers Rock and Roll Rock 'n' roll ain't noise pollution Role model Roman Holiday Run rabbit run Run Runaway Running Sad Machine Sad Salt Satellite Saving us a riot Saw mill Say anything.m4a Say anything.wma Say my name Scary Love Science vs Romance Secrets Self control Senior skip day Settle down Seventeen Sex She moves in her own way She was Sheep She's dope Ships in the night Shout Show it to me Sick of it Silly boys Simple song Simplethings Sing for the moment Sirens Skinny love Sleep in the heat Sleep on the floor Sleepless Smile Sober up Sober Someone New Someone to stay Someone to you Songs about your girlfriend Sorry Soul To Squeeze [October 1993] Space bound Spaceman Starcrossed losers Stay high Stay quiet Stay together Step Stoned & Starving Stop the world I wanna get off with you Strange love Strangers Stronger than I was Stuck with me Suburbia Summer Summersong Super far Superhero Surrender Surround me Sweatpants Sweet Child O'Mine Sweet creature Sweet dreams Sweet Sweetest thing T.I - Dead And Gone Ft. Justin Timberlake - Copy Take control Take it slowly Talk to me Tangled Team Tear in my heart Tee shirt Teenage Evolution Tempted That's how you know The anthem The big bang The birds are singing at night The broken hearts club The color blue The girl The good part The good side The last time The love club The middle The monster The moth and the flame The mute The night we met (live) The nights The one The outsider The real slim shady The re-up The silence These memories These Times Thinking of you This is America This is what makes us girls This life Thoughts & Prayers Tightrope Time of your life Tiptoe.m4a To be human Together alone Total eclipse of the heart Trust issues Trust Turn Turning out Turning Pages Twenty Flight Rock Twisted Two coins Two fingers U.N.I. Ugly Unconditionally Until we can't (let's go) Up we go Uptown Girl Upward over the mountain Van Halen  - Black And Blue Vines Vulcano Wait a minute! Waiting on the world to change Wake the fuck up Walk on the wild side Walk on water Walking all day Walkway blues Want you back Was there nothing Waterways Waves We are all astronauts We might be dead by tomorrow We R Who We R We stayed up all night We will run Weak Welcome home We're not just friends What they want When I'm gone When we were young Where Is My Mind Where is the love Where the sky hangs Who Are You Why can't I Why Wide awake Wild Ones Wild things Wild Wiser Without me Without you Written in the stars Yesterday You And I You are not a robot You don't get me high anymore You don't know where you stand You got to hide your love away You gotta fight for your right You make my dreams You Young blood Young kids, old love Young, dumb and broke Young Younger now Your shirt Your somebody else Your song

COLLECTION 2:           Everyday           The Funeral           Above The Clouds Of Pompeii           Bury a Friend           ( slowed down ) zipper           Toy Box (Remix) - Cal Scruby           Phantom           Feels like summer           Out of my head           Threatz           Ghosts (dylan owen)           Edward Sharpe  The Magnetic Zeros - Home           Home           Eminem - No Apologies  Dirty Version           Space Bound           Talking To Myself-em           grandson Apologize           American Teen           Mariners Apartment Complex           White Crime           Classic Male Pregame           Gratitude           Personality (feat. T Pain)           It's Alright           Notepad           Ghosts (2)           Who Knew           King For A Day           blue cheese           Skrillex - Scary Monsters And Nice Sprites             Jailhouse blues           Snak The Ripper - Poison           The Wheel           Stuck in the middle with you           Drugs           What Redbone would sound like if you used to know it           Borderline           - Till Its Gone             {L.H.} Ghost on the Shore           03 Adolescence           (8D) Do I Wanna Know           (8D) Lucid Dreams           21st Century Breakdown           Affairs of the Heart           Ain't no rest for the wicked           Ain't No Rest For The Wicked by Cage The Elephant           Aint Your Right           Alec Benjamin - Outrunning Karma           The Alphabeat           Always Forever           American Boy           Animal           Apparently           Aquilo - You Won't Know Where You Stand             Aquilo - You're Like Me             Arrested Youth - Brightside           Ashnikko - Hi, It's Me             Ashnikko - Special           Ashnikko - STUPID  feat. Yung Baby Tate           Ashnikko - Working Bitch             Avicii - Levels           Bad day           Bad Decisions           Bad Things           Bagpipes From Baghdad           Bangarang           Beauty           Better Love           Big Bad World           Big Black Car           Billy Idol - Dancing with myself             Bitch, Dont Kill My Vibe           Bitter Sweet Symphony           The Black Eyed Peas - BIG LOVE           Black Veil Brides - In the End           Blank SpaceStyle           Blindsided           Blood           boy pablo - Feeling Lonely             Brain Damage           Bridges           Broken Arrow           Broken           Broken.           Buisness           CA Plane Pour Moi           Car Radio           Car Radio-Twenty One Pilots           Caring is Creepy - The Shins           Casual Affair           Caterpillar           Catey Shaw - Night Go Slow           Cats, Dogs & Rats           Cemetery Drive           Charles William - No Ordinary           Chelsea Dagger           Chelsea Hotel No 2           Cherub - Doses and Mimosas           Cigarette Daydreams           The Clash At Demonheads - Black Sheep           Cocoa Hooves           Come Home to My Heart (mashup of every lorde song)           Come On Eileen           Comfortably numb           Cops           Cough Syrup           Criminal           Crossfire (8D)           Cryin'           Dan Mangan - Road Regrets [Nice, Nice, Very Nice - Track 01]           Dancing with Myself           Darkness           David Guetta - The Alphabeat           David Guetta (Feat. Jessie J) - Repeat           David Guetta (Feat. Usher) - Without You           Dead Presidents III           Dead Sea           Dear friend           Delete Forever           Democracy (Bonus Track)           Disenchanted           Dog Days Are Over           Doin Time           Doja Cat - Trauma           Dreams           Drunk In Love           Dynoro- Hangover           EAGLE EYE CHERRY - STREETS OF YOU           Eminem - The Ringer             The End           Enter Sandman           Erode           Estelle - American Boy [Feat. Kanye West]           Everyone Says I'm Paranoid           Farewell           Fast Car           Feel Again           Feelings           Fineshrine           First Aid Kit - It's a Shame             First Day of My Life           First of the Year           For Elise           For The First Time           Futuristic - I Guess, I'll Smoke           G.O.M.D.           Getting Better           Ghosting           Give Up           Godzilla           Good LIfe           Good Vibrations           Goodbye Stranger           Gorillaz - Rhinestone Eyes           grandson x Moby Rich Happy Pill           Gun Song  - The Lumineers           Guns For Hands           Gypsy           Happy           Hard Sun           Have you ever seen the rain           Heathens           Heavenly Father           Heavydirtysoul           High Hopes           High You Are           Holy.           Hopsin - Witch Doctor           Humility           The Hype           I Can't Help Myself           I Lost Something in the Hills           I Wanna Get High           I Will           Idaho           If I Go, I'm Goin           In The End           In Too Deep (em)           Indie Rock and Roll           Iris           it ends tonight           Ive Got This Friend           J Ember - Lower Than Low           January 28th           Jazz           Jungle           Kerry Hart - I Know A Gun           Kiiara - Gold (prod. by Felix Snow)           Kill You           The Kills - What New York Used To Be           Lana del Rey - Summertime Sadness (SxAde Synthwave Remix)80s           Lana Del Rey - Young and Beautiful (from The Great Gatsby Soundtrack)           Landslide           Last Night (beer fear)           LauvFeelings             Leader Of The Landslide           Leave it all behind           Leaving Heaven           Let It Go           Let My Love Open The Door           Lisztomania           Little Pistol           Look After You           Love In Stereo           Love letter           The Lumineers - It Wasn't Easy To Be Happy For You (Part 4 Of 10)           The Lumineers - Left For Denver (Part 6 Of 10)           The Lumineers - My Cell           Man To Man           Marsh           Matilda           Me & You Together Song           Meaner Girl           Metallica Enter Sandman             Miike Snow- Animal           Milk Man           Missed Connection           Monster (DotEXE Dubstep Remix)           Morning Song           Move           Mr Fear           My Kind of Woman           My Smile Is Extinct           My Type           Nantes           National Anthem           Need a Minute           New Perspective (acoustic)           New Soul           Nicotine           Night time, my time           No Fun           No Ordinary           No Tellin'           Now I'm In It           Obsessions           Oceans (7 Layers Sessions)           Oh no           Old Time's Sake           On Melancholy Hill           Once Upon A Dream           One Day           Out for a rip           Outrunning Karma           Outta My Head - The Eagle Rock Gospel Singers           Over My Head           Pain - Three Days Grace           Party Favor           Power Trip           Preacher           Promises           Purity Ring - Fineshrine (4AD)           Puzzle Pieces           Re Stacks           Repeat           Return Of Simba           Rhiannon           Rhinestone Eyes           Road Regrets           Rock Bottom           Rocket Man           Rocket Man (I Think It's Going To Be A Long, Long Time)           Roses           ROSIE           Roxanne           Ryan & Dave           Sabotage           Sad Dream           SADE IN THE 90's           Salad Days           Salt And The Sea           San Luis           Santa Fe           Say You Love Me           Scar Tissue           The Scientist           Secrets           Self Aware Bitch           Setting Sun           Seven Wonders           Sex, Money, Sneakers           Shake it off           The Sharpest Lives           Shelter Song           She's A Riot           The Shins - New Slang           Skinny Love (Das Kapital Remix)           SKRILLEX - Bangarang feat. Sirah           Skrillex - First Of The Year (Equinox)           Sleepyhead           Slide Away           Soaked           Soap           Social Sites           Somebody told me           Speed Of Sound           Spin Doctors - Two Princes           St. Tropez- [2014 Forest Hills Drive]           The Stable Song           Stan (Dido)           Stay High           Stay High (Britanny Howard)           Sticky Situation           Stop and Stare           Stop Children What's That Sound           Streets of you           Strung Out           Sublime - What I Got             Summertime Sadness (SxAde Synthwave Remix)           Supalonely           Sweet Talk           Take a Walk           Take Care           A Tale of 2 Cities           Talk           The A Team- Ed Sheeran           Tessellate           TLC - Waterfalls           Tried to Make You My Own           TRNDSTTR           twenty one pilots - Goner             Twenty One Pilots - Heathens (Suicide Squad)           Two Weeks           Two Weeks - Grizzly Bear           Unaccommodating           Undone - FFH           Venice Bitch           The Verve - Bitter Sweet Symphony             Viva La Vida           Waste my time with you           Waterfalls           Watsky - Love Letters           The Way I Am           We Built This City           We Didn't Start the Fire           We think too much           Wet Dreams           What I Got           When You Were Young           White Rabbit           Wild Thing           Wonderwall           Yah Yah           Young and Beautiful           Young and Beautiful in the 80s Lana Del Rey (Retro Remix)           Young Man           Youth    [not alphabetically sorted] Everyday           The Funeral           Above The Clouds Of Pompeii           Bury a Friend           ( slowed down ) zipper           Toy Box (Remix) - Cal Scruby           Phantom           Feels like summer           Out of my head           Threatz           Ghosts (dylan owen)           Edward Sharpe  The Magnetic Zeros - Home           Home           Eminem - No Apologies  Dirty Version           Space Bound           Talking To Myself-em           grandson Apologize           American Teen           Mariners Apartment Complex           White Crime           Classic Male Pregame           Gratitude           Personality (feat. T Pain)           It's Alright           Notepad           Ghosts (2)           Who Knew           King For A Day           blue cheese           Skrillex - Scary Monsters And Nice Sprites             Jailhouse blues           Snak The Ripper - Poison           The Wheel           Stuck in the middle with you           Drugs           What Redbone would sound like if you used to know it           Borderline           Till Its Gone  

COLLECTION 3:

         {L.H.} The Yawning Grave          {L.H.} Time to Run          9 Times Out of 10          17          38 Years Old          1985 (Intro to The Fall Off)          Ain’t That A Kick In the Head          Aint No Peace          All The Places          All The Right Moves          All’s Well That Ends          Always Forever          Angel          Angel Of Small Death & The Codeine Scene          Animal (Sky Fierra-Miike Snow Cover)          The Apple          Apple Tree          AUATC          Back In The U.S.S.R.          Back to you          Bad Girls          Bellbottoms          Bennie And The Jets (Remastered 2014)          Benny Goodman          Big Parade          The Birthday Party          Bitterphobia          Black Sun          Bloodflood pt II          Blue          Bobcaygeon          Boys Will Be Bugs          Brain Damage          Breezeblocks          British Bombs          Brittle Bones Nicky          By The Way          C’est La Vie          Celebrity Status (Acoustic)          The Chain          Chasin’ Echoes (Re-Mastered)          Chasing Pavement By MGK          Chicken Fried          Clean Eyes          Closer          Cold Cold Cold          Coldplay - Shiver            Comin Home          Common People          Concrete          The Creator          Current Joys - A Different Age          Current Joys - Fear          Current Joys - Kids          Curse of the Currents          Dance Monkey          The Dead South - In Hell I’ll Be in Good Company The Umbrella Academy Season 2 OST          Dear Dictator          Death Bed (Coffee for Your Head)          Declan McKenna - Daniel, You’re Still a Child            Declan McKenna - Rapture            Delicate          Depress          Diane Young          Diet Mountain Dew          A different Age          Doin’ Time-Summertime          doja cat - 4 morant (better luck next time)          Doja Cat - Kiss Me More  ft. SZA          Doja Cat - Trauma          Don McLean- American Pie          Dont Feel Like Crying          DOPENESS          Down To My Last Cigarette          Drake - Jungle (432Hz)          Dreamland          Eagles - Hotel California            Ego Death          Elephant Gun          Ellie Goulding - Halcyon          Ellie Goulding - Lights (Single Version)          Eros          Exile          Exquisite Corpse          Fear & Delight          Featherstone          Feel          Feeling Lonely          First Class          For Sure          Freakin’ Out On the Interstate          Fresh Roses          Ghetto Gospel          GHOST          Glass Animals - Heat Waves            Glass Animals - Toes            Got It          Got My Mind Set On You (Version II)          The Grand Optimist          Guerra - Residente          Heart          Heart Of Glass          Heaven Up There          The Heavy- This ain’t No Place For No Hero          Help I’m Alive          Hip-Hop Saved My Life          Hoax          Hold On          Hold On (John)          Holding On To You          Holiday          Home (johhnyswim)          Hometown          Homewrecker          A Horse with No Name          House Of The Rising Sun          Hullabaloo          Human Geometry          Hymn For The Weekend          The Hype          Hypnotized (fever fever)          I Am Not a Robot [Clock Opera Remix]          I know you care          I Lost Something in the Hills          I Love You Like An Alcoholic          I Never Learn          I Should Have Known Better          I Think I’m Going To Kill Myself          I’ll Be Around          Immortal          In A Manner Of Speaking          In The City          In The Shadow Of The Valley          In the Year 2525 (Exordium Terminus)          Infinite Victory-The Notorious XX - Wait What          Island In The Sun          It Was A Sin          It’s called freefall          It’s in the Way That You Use It)          It’s Still Rock and Roll to Me          Jarod Lawley - Company          The Joker          Josie          Just Desserts          Kaleidoscope Dope          The Key to Life on Earth          Khalid - Hundred            Kid Cudi, Eminem - The Adventures Of Moon Man & Slim Shady          Kids (Lady Danville- MGMT cover)          The Kids Don’t Wanna Come Home          L.A. Not Alone Girl!          Lady Madonna          The Lakes          Laredo          Lauren O’ Connell - Dancing in the Dark          Lemons (Brye)          Let’s Go Outside          Lights          Listerine          Little lion man          Lockdown          Lonely People          Los Angeles          Love Me Tomorrow          Mad Woman          Madness          Major Tom (Coming Home)          Maniac          Manic Monday          Marcy Me          Marianas Trench Masterpiece Theatre I            MARINA- Savages          Masterpiece Theatre 3 - Marianas Trench with          Meaner Girl          Medicine          Memories          Message          Message For Your Mind          MGK - Mind Of A Stoner ft. Wiz Khalifa            Milky Chance - Cocoon          Milky Chance - Ego            Milky Chance - Unknown Song feat. Paulina Eisenberg          Milky Chance - Where Is My Mind (Pixies Cover)          Miss Atomic Bomb          Modern mystery          Moral of the Story          Move Along          Mustached Messiah          My Life          My Mind Playin Tricks on Me          My Stress          N.E.R.D & Rihanna - Lemon            Nice Fox          Nightmares          No Church In The Wild          No Diggity          No Rain          Novocaine          Numb          Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da          Offer          Oh baby          OK          On The Train Ride Home          Only the Good Die Young          Open By Rhye          Pale Blue Eyes          Panic Attack          The Passenger          Past Perfect          Peach Tinted - The Unknown          Pepper          Phantom Planet - California          Pity Party          Play That Funky Music          Polk Salad Annie          THE PRAYER          Psycho Killer          R.I.P. 2 my youth          Radio Ga Ga          Rare Americans - Berlin          Rare Americans - Garbage Day          Rare Americans - The Moneyz            Rare Americans Gas Mask            Read My Mind          Ready To Go          Rejjie Snow - 23 feat. Caroline Smith          Revolution          Ricky          Rolling Stone          Rose          The run and go          Run Boy Run          Run This Town          Runnin Down A Dream          SAINT MOTEL - Preach            Satellite          Save Me          See You Soon          Sega Genesis          Seven          Seven (taylor)          Seven Wonders          Sex on Fire          Shakin’  Off The Rust          Shameful Company          Shelter Song          Sick Shit          Since The Last Time          Sincerity Is Scary          Sippin          Sister Golden Hair          Sit Down Beside Me          Sleeping Sickness          Sleepyhead          Slick Rick - Children’s Story            Slow It Down          Slow Motion          Small Hands          Small Talk          Snow On Tha Bluff          Sorrow          Soul Of Mischief - 93 Til infinity          Space Oddity          Sparks          Stalker’s Tango          Static On The Radio          Stay Alive          Still Feel          Strung Out          Summer Breeze          Sunshine          Take Me Away          Take me home          Take The Long Way Home          Taylor Swift - the last great american dynasty          Tear you apart          Teenage Wasteland          That’s All          THAT’S THAT          Therapy          They Reminisce Over You (T.R.O.Y.)          This Is Me Trying          This Life (Vampire Weekend)          Three Second Memory          The Thrill - Wiz Khalifa          To Be Human          To My Enemies          Tokyo          The Trip          Tupac-Keep Ya Head Up          Unknown Mortal Orchestra - So Good at Being in Trouble          Until we bleed          Up all Night (beck)          Vampire Weekend Giving Up The Gun            Video Killed The Radio Star          Vienna (Billy Joel)          Vulcano - Francesca Michielin TESTO          Walking On The Moon          Warm Glow          Wax Tailor - Que Sera          We Can Work it Out          Weeds          The Weight          What A Perfect Day For Crying          What Is Life          Whateva          When It Lands          When The Day Comes          When the Night is Over          Wide Open          Wonderwall          YARMAK - ТУТ МІЙ ДІМ          Yesterday          Yesterday (Atmosphere)          You Are the Right One          You Cant Always Get What You Want          You Don’t Mess Around with Jim          You’re Nobody Till Somebody Wants You Dead          Young And Beautiful          Не приму и даром (Navai , Bahh Tee)          Юность (Dabro

COLLECTION 4:

          2Pac - Changes           2Pac - Keep Ya Head Up             4           (8D) Believer           (8D) Do I Wanna Know           (8D) Don’t Stop Me Now           (8D) Everybody Wants to Rule The World           (8D) It’s My Life           (8D) Lucid Dreams           (8D) Shout           (8D) Stolen Dance           (8D) The Less I Know The Better           (8D) Till I Collapse           (8D) Viva La Vida           (8D)-Another Love           (8D)-Blue Monday           (8D)-Like Toy Soldiers           (8D)-Lose Yourself           (8D)-Ocean Eyes           (8D)-Sing For The Moment           (8D)-Somebody That I Used To Know           (8D)-Summertime Sadness           21 Guns           29 #Strafford APTS           99 Luftballons           1901- phoenix           1979           Affection           Agnes           Ahead By A Century           All These Things I’ve Done           Alt-J (∆) Leon           Always- The Snuts           Ancient Dreams In A Modern Land           Angela           Another Day In Paradise           The Antlers - Kettering           ARE YOU LETTING GO (bennee)           Arizona           arms tonite           Axel Thesleff - Bad Karma           Back 2 Hiphop           Baggage           Bagpipes From Baghdad           Beck - Up All Night           Being special           Bellyache           Ben Franklin           BIG SHOT           Blister In The Sun           Blow At High Dough           Bobby Bloom Montego Bay 1970           boogie (slowed)           Boy Bye (slowed and reverb)           Bread           Burning Pile - Mother Mother (Slowed)           Bury It           Butthole Surfers - Pepper The Umbrella Academy Season 2 OST           Cancer           candy - robbie williams (slowed)           Caves- Noah Kahan           Chaise Longue           champagne problems           Children’s Story           Chris Webby - La La La           Circles           Claire Rosinkranz - Backyard Boy           closure           Cocaine           Coconut Water           Cold War Kids - First           Colorado           Conrad           CONSTANT           The Cost of the Crown - Mercedes Lackey           Courtney Barnett - Before You Gotta Go           Crabbuckit           Dabbla - Psychoville Feat. Graziella  (Prod. Roast Beatz)           Daydreams           Dear Prudence (Remastered 2009)           Democracy (Bonus Track)           Dion - The Wanderer [Fallout 4 - Wanderer Trailer Song]           Doja Cat - Boss Bitch             Doja Cat - Kiss Me More  ft. SZA           Dominoes - Sixty Minute Man - The First Rock and Roll Record!!           (Don’t Fear) The Reaper           Don’t Look Back           Don’t You (Forget About Me)           Donovan - Season of the Witch           Dont Stop Me Now           Dope & Smoke           Down On My Luck (vic mensa)           Drive- Oh Wonder           Drugs (swum)           Easy           easy life - have a great day (visualiser)           easy life - skeletons           Eddie Cochran - Summertime Blues [stereo]           The Effects of Climate Change on Densely Populated Areas           Emerald Lake, AB           Eminem White America (Uncensored)           Emma Louise - Jungle           Eve Of Destruction           Evelyn           Evermore           FALLOUT 4 SPECIAL RAP Dan Bull           False Creek Change           Feel It In My Bones           Feel It Still           Feels           For The Camera           Four Out Of Five           Froot           Fuck U Pal           The Gambler           Gerry Cinamon-Kampfire Vampire           Gerry Cinnamon- Sun Queen           Gerry Cinnamon-Canter           Gerry Cinnamon-Head in the clouds           Gerry Cinnamon-Outsiders           Gerry Cinnamon-Six String Gun           Gerry Cinnamon-The Bonny           Gerry Cinnamon-War Song Soldier           Gerry Cinnamon-Where We’re Going           Get Back (Remastered 2009)           Getting Better (Remastered 2009)           Ghost           Gimme More           Gives You Hell           gold rush           Golden           Good Luck           Goodnight Chicago           Gorillaz - Clint Eastwood           Gorillaz - The Valley of the Pagans ft. Beck (Episode Eight)           The Guess Who - No Sugar Tonight - New Mother Nature           Hahahaohhoho           Happy Little Pill (Remix) s l o w e d           Heavenly Father           Helena Beat           Heroes (2017 Remaster)           High enough (Slowed Down)           Hit the Road Jack           Home- Leo           Hozier - Dinner & Diatribes           Hozier - Nina Cried Power           Hrdza - Štefan Stephen Штефан           I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME           I Follow           I Follow Rivers - Lykke Li           i kissed a girl katy perry s l o w e d           I Lied           I’m Fine (hazel english)           If You Were Here-Thompson Twins           In A Week (hozier)           It’s in the Way That You Use It (1999 Remaster)           ivy           Jackie and Wilson           Jake Bugg - Two Fingers           José González - Line of Fire           The Judge           Kid Cudi, Eminem - The Adventures Of Moon Man & Slim Shady           Kids (Don’t End Up Like Me)           Kings Of Leon - Closer           Kings Of Leon - The End           Kiwi           Knives, Guns & Bed           L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N.           La Foret           Laredo           Left Hand Free           Libraries           Little Slice (feat. Danny Skyhigh McClain)           Location           The Logical Song           long story short           The Lovin’ Spoonful - Summer in the City           Made in Heights - Hors d’oeuvre           Majical Cloudz - Downtown           Man’s World           Maneater           maneater ( slowed + bass )           Måneskin - I WANNA BE YOUR SLAVE           Maniac           Marijuana           MARINA - Karma           MARINA - Purge The Poison           Marinade           Message In A Bottle-The Police           The Moneyz           Montreal           The Mother We Share           Mr. Loverman (slowed with reverb)           My House           NENA 99 Red Balloons           New America           Nico And The Niners           No More Questions           Not Your Summer           Nothin’ on You (feat. Bruno Mars)           nowhere to run - stegosaurus rex (s l o w e dd o w n)           Number One           Off The Radar           Oh Wonder - Landslide           Oh Wonder - Technicolour Beat           Old Pine           One week           THE OUTER WORLDS...           Pale Blue Eyes           Peace To All Freaks- of Montreal           Peach Pit - Seventeen           PHARAOH - ДИКО, НАПРИМЕР           Pickup Truck           Poor George           Pumped Up Kicks Remix           Pyro           queen of broken hearts           Rapp Snitch Knishes (feat. Mr. Fantastik)           Real Smooth           The Revillos - Rev-Up           RING THE ALARM           Rip It Up Ready Teddy (Remastered 2010)           Rock Bottom           The Rolling Stones - Paint It, Black           Romans Revenge (slowed + reverb)           Rosanna           Roslyn           Run Through The Jungle           Running Wild-Palace           Sedona           Seven Nation Army (Glitch Mob Remix)           She Will Be Loved           Sia - To Be Human (ft. Labrinth)           Sign O’ The Times           Sober (gambino)           Solsbury Hill           Stabilo-Flawed Design             Steve Miller Band - Jet Airliner           Stolen Cars           STORMZY - VOSSI BOP           Stromae - Tous Les Mêmes (Clip Officiel)           Stuck on the puzzle           Technicolour Beat           Therefore I Am           Thrift Shop           Tiffany - I Think We’re Alone Now             Time To Win - Down With Webster           tis the damn season           Treat People With Kindness           Two Ghosts           Ulysses- Franz Ferdinand           The Valley of the Pagans ft. Beck (Episode Eight)           VAULT NUMBER 76 Fallout 76 Song           Ventura Highway           VIDEOCLUB - Amour Plastique           VIDEOCLUB En nuit           VIDEOCLUBRoi           Violent (slowed)           Virginia Beach           Waiting           WALLS           Wasteland, Baby!           Wellerman           West Coast           Whale- Yellow Ostrich           What Goes Around- Comes Around           Wheat Kings by Tragically Hip           WHOKILLEDXIX - Spy  My My I think we have a spy           willow           Wovoka           Yellow Ostrich - Mary (Alternate)           You Don’t Mess Around with Jim           You Get What You Give  1998

COLLECTION 5:

          3AM (matchbox 20)           The 1975 - Chocolate           The 1975 - Give Yourself A Try           Alphaville - Big In Japan           alt-J - Hunger Of The Pine             Apocalypse - Cigarettes After Sex           bbno$, y2k - lalala             Beastie Boys - Get It Together           Belter - Gerry Cinnamon             Big Data - Dangerous (Oliver Remix) euphoria OST           Big Pun - Twinz (Deep Cover 98) (Feat. Fat Joe)           Big Sean - Wolves ft. Post Malone             BIRTHDAY           Blue Foundation - Eyes On Fire             Bon Iver - Perth (Stripped)           Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy           Broken Bells - The High Road           Byjoelmichael - Be With You             California Dreamin’           candy - robbie williams (slowed)           Centerfold           Chase McBride - 1937             Chet Faker - Cigarettes and Chocolate           Chet Faker - Gold             Circus Britney Spears           Creedence Clearwater Revival - I Heard It Through The Grapevine           Daniel Powter - Bad Day             DARE           Don’t Be Nice           Doug E Fresh & Slick Rick-The Show           Ed Sheeran - Grade 8             Eminem - Berzerk           Eminem - No Apologies Dirty Version           Eminem - Tone Deaf           Eminem White America (Uncensored)           Eric B & Rakim - Follow The Leader           Eric B. Is President           Eve Of Destruction           Fall Into Place           Florence + the Machine - Shake It Out             Flower Face - Angela             Flume & Chet Faker - Drop the Game           Footsteps in the Dark, Pts. 1 & 2           From This Valley           Funnel Of Love - Wanda Jackson (ft. the Cramps)           Future Islands -A Dream Of You And Me           G-Eazy - Lady Killers ft. Hoodie Allen           G-Eazy - The Outsider           G-Eazy Achievement           George Ezra - Green Green Grass           Give Yourself A Try           Good Day Sunshine (Remastered 2009)           Gorillaz - Clint Eastwood             Gorillaz - Feel Good Inc           Got To Get You Into My Life (Remastered 2009)           grandson- Apologize           Gregory D and Mannie Fresh - Buck Jump Time           Harry Styles - As It Was           The Head And The Heart - Down In The Valley           Homeless           Homeliss Derilex - Daily Operations           Human of the Year           Hurricane (Johnnie’s Theme)           Hypnotize (2007 Remaster)           I Feel Alive           I Heard It Through The Grapevine           I Saw You Close Your Eyes           I Still Haven’t Found What ‘m Looking For           IDGAF Watsky             Iggy Azalea - Posh Spice (Visualizer)           Insane in the Brain           Intergalactic (Remastered 2009)           Istanbul (not Constantinople)           Iyaz - Replay           Jai Paul - BTSTU           James Hersey - Coming Over (Filous Remix)           Jay-z 99 problems           Johnny Jump Up - Gaelic Storm           Juice WRLD - Conversations             Kavinsky - Nightcall (Drive Original Movie Soundtrack)             Kid Cudi - Tequila Shots           Kid Francescoli -Moon           Kids In America [2020 Remaster]           Kings Of Convenience - Misread           Kings of Leon - Pickup Truck           Kings of Leon - Use Somebody           Lennon Stella -  Thank You (Dido Cover)             Lilly Wood & The Prick and Robin Schulz - Prayer In C (Robin Schulz Remix)           Little Simz - Point And Kill feat. Obongjayar             Little Slice (feat. Danny Skyhigh McClain)           Lord Huron - Meet Me In The Woods           Lord Huron - The World Ender             Lord Huron - We Went Wild             Love Letters           The Lumineers - A.M. Radio             The Lumineers - BRIGHTSIDE             Lupe Fiasco- Hip Hop Saved My Life           M83 - Go! feat Mai Lan           M83 Steve McQueen           Made In Heights - Drexler           Made In Heights - Viices           Maren Morris - My Church             MARINA - New America             MARINA - To Be Human             Marshall Mathers           Medicine (daughter)           Mild Orange - Some Feeling           Milky Chance - Love Again             Milky Chance - Tainted Love             The Moth (Les Deux Love Orchestra Cover) -  Aimee Mann [Mr. Robot S02E12]           Mother Mother - Hayloft I             N.W.A - Straight Outta Compton           Nas - It Ain’t Hard to Tell             NEVER REALLY MINE           New Motion - She Said           O Children - Nick Cave & The Bad See           Of Monsters and Men - Phantom           Of Monsters and Men - Visitor             The Oh Hellos - Soldier, Poet, King           Oh Wonder - Twenty Fourteen           OMC - How Bizzare           Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark - Electricity           Outkast - Two Dope Boyz (In a Cadillac)           Palace - Friends Forever             Peace Prevail           Peach Pit - Vickie           The Pernice Brothers - Judy           Pham - Golden State[feat. Ben Zaidi]           Pham - Movements (feat. Yung Fusion)           PHARAOH - ДИКО, НАПРИМЕР           The Pharcyde - Runnin           Pink Lemonade           Promise           Rainbow Kitten Surprise - Hide           Rainbow Kitten Surprise - Matchbox           Rainbow Kitten Surprise - Mission to Mars           Rare Americans - Black Sheep (Offici 1           Rare Americans - F_K U Pal           Rare Americans - Pandora’;s Box           Rare Americans - PHD           Rare Americans - Rhythm Kitchen (ft. D Smoke)           REMINGTON           REPRISE           Rocket 88 (Original Version) - Ike Turner Jackie Brenston           The Rolling Stones - (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction           RUN DMC, Jason Nevins - It’s Like That           Running Up That Hill           Safe & Sound feat. The Civil Wars           Said The Whale Gambier Island Green           SAINT MOTEL -Move           Saint Valentine           Santigold - Disparate Youth             serial killer - lana del ray (slowed + reverb)           She Wants Me Dead           Sigrid - It Gets Dark           Slaine - 99 Bottles           Snail Mail -Ben Franklin             Snak The Ripper - Eight Hours A Day (High Quality)           Snak The Ripper - Eight Hours A Day             Snak The Ripper - Forgotten             Snak The Ripper - Trust the Process             Snak The Ripper - Yup             Son Of A Preacher Man           Special Ed - I Got It Made             Square Dance           Stick to Your Guns (feat. Julia Nunes)           Stornoway - Zorbing           Strawberries & Cigarettes           Stromae - carmen           Stromae - Fils de joie             Stromae - L’enfer             Stromae - Santé  The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon           Sublime- April 29, 1992           Sunflower- Post Malone           Supertramp - Breakfast in America (Written & Composed by Roger Hodgson)           Surf Curse - Freaks           Tamino - The First Disciple           Taylor Swift – mirrorball           Taylor Swift – peace           These Boots Are Made for Walkin’           This House is a Circus           Tongue Tied           The Tragically Hip - New Orleans Is Sinking (.)           Triggaman (The Showboys)           Ultrasound- Johnny Massacre           Unwell           Wake Owl - Gold           Wallows - Are You Bored Yet (feat. Clairo)           The War On Drugs Red Eyes               Warren G - Regulate   ft. Nate Dogg           Watsky- Bet Against Me [All You Can Do]           Wet Leg - Wet Dream             Where’d All the Time Go?           Wiz Khalifa - So High ft. Ghost Loft           Wonderful Life           World Renown - Come Take A Ride 1994           The xx - Crystalised             The xx - Islands           Young Magic You With Air           Younger Hunger - Dead Inside             The Youth           Youth           Zen- K Flay

COLLECTION 6:

         The Black Keys - Gotta Get Away          Bon Iver - 00000 Million          Bon Iver - Beth/Rest          Bon Iver - Blood Bank          Bon Iver - Flume          Bon Iver - Skinny Love          Bon Iver- Wash          Cage The Elephant - Trouble          CHELJI - 23          David Kushner - Miserable Man            David Kushner - Mr. Forgettable          Dennis Lloyd - NEVERMIND          For Emma          The Glorious Sons - A War On Everything            The Glorious Sons - Come Down            Gorillaz - Cracker Island ft. Thundercat            Gorillaz - Tomorrow Comes Today            Harry Belafonte- Day-O          I Sat by the Ocean          Lil Wayne - Mirror (feat. Bruno Mars)          Madness - Our House          Mungo Jerry - In The Summertime ORIGINAL 1970          My Chemical Romance -Sing          REO Speedwagon - Take It On the Run          Sarah Osborne Fire Moon          The Suburbs - Arcade Fire          T.I - Dead And Gone Ft. Justin Timberlake          THREE DOG NIGHT One  (1969)          Towers - Bon Iver          Vance Joy - Saturday Sun            Young the Giant - My Body

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Safe Haven: tfatws!Bucky Barnes x fem!reader - Chapter Nine

chapter eight - Chapter Nine: The Soldier and the Mutant - chapter ten

Series Masterlist

Plot: Y/n deals with the new knowledge about who her father truly was and receives a surprise visitor.

Warnings: angst, fluff, fluff, FLUFF, my gosh it’s nearly suffocating how much fluff, language, one allusion to sex, mentions of suicide, mentions of torture

Word Count: 10.1k 

A/N: I’m just gonna let this one speak for itself, thanks for being so patient 😉 

----

“HYDRA?” 

“HYDRA…” I sighed.

Melanie and I were sat on her front porch, coffee cups in hand and revelations on our lips. I’d been home for two days and the shock of finding out about my father’s longstanding lie, while still fresh, was morphing into numbness. Being his daughter too, Mel needed to know the truth as well.

“This guy’s gotta be lying,” my sister waved a hand in front of her, “He has to be, he’s a criminal a-and he’s crazy.” “He’s not lying, Mels,” I held my head in my hand with my elbow resting on my chair, “I went online and scoured the internet, Dad’s name was listed in the HYDRA files leaked ten years ago.”

Mel leaned forward in her seat and hung her head, bracing her weight on her knees. My sister had always been a rock, unshakable even in the face of the worst circumstances. Even though she was keeping it together for my sake, I could see the well of emotions that would spring up once I was gone. “I can’t believe this,” she mumbled, shaking her head softly, “But looking back, it makes so much sense.” I furrowed my brows at her, “You wanna spell this one out for me?”

“Think about it,” she turned in her seat to face me, “Dad was wracked with guilt every day since he came home from the,” she set her mug down on the coffee table and made air quotes, “‘service.’ Nightmares and flashbacks and that awful depression…I mean, the man tore himself apart for what he’d done when he wasn’t passed out from drinking. He’d have had to do some pretty nasty things to feel that much guilt.” “Yeah, well, he should have felt guilty,” I grumbled, staring down at the coffee to hide the tears slowly forming in my eyes, “He hurt innocent people.”

“Wow…” she said quietly.

I sat forward in my seat, “Mom can never find about this, the shock could kill her. And as much as I feel like she should know who she was married to, I don’t think I can destroy another person’s image of Dad.” “No, I don’t think we should tell her either,” Mel agreed, taking a sip from her coffee, “I’m sorry enough that you had to find out. Wait,” she slapped a hand over my arm, “Does Bucky know? You said you and Sam were working with him.” I had done my best to put Bucky out of my mind for the past two days, failing spectacularly. I had gotten so used to him being by my side the past week that once he was gone, it felt like something was missing. Never mind the way I’d left him, those blue eyes begging me not to shut him out, the very same thing I’d asked him not to do. I had to remind myself at least ten times a day that removing myself from his life was for his good. 

“Yeah, he knows,” I looked back down at my lap, squeezing the coffee mug so tight, I thought it might shatter. Mel threw her hands out to their sides, “And?” 

“And he knows,” I replied, knowing that wouldn’t be a good enough answer for her. “So this guy finds out that our dad tortured him for years and he’s been running around Europe with his daughter and he had no reaction? What are you not telling me?” “Mel, what do you want me to say?” I snapped my head up, “He was there when Zemo told me and he’s not with me now, there’s nothing more to tell…"

I may have been a mutant, but sometimes I wished I’d have gotten my sister’s detective skills instead. She could take one look at a person and go Sherlock Holmes on their ass before they knew what hit them. It was one of the reasons she’d made such a good psychologist before becoming a stay-at-home mom.

Mel inhaled sharply and her eyes widened, “Oh my gosh, do you-“ “Don’t say it,” I held up a hand and forcefully pressed my eyes shut, a few teardrops squeezing out onto my eyelashes, “Please don’t say it.” As requested, she fell silent, her hand slipping onto my shoulder and rubbing small circles. I trained my eyes ahead of me, focusing on the last remnants of the morning’s sunrise. I’d always loved getting up early enough to watch the light spread across the sky, giving me hope that whatever pain I was feeling was only temporary. I found no such comfort gazing at the spectacle in my current state.

“It’s better this way,” I said, not able to look at her lest she see my contradictory eyes, “Trust me.” “Well,” Mel sighed loudly, “You’re the one that knows the guy…Just promise me one thing?” “Hmm?” She pulled one of my hands out of the death grip I had on my cup and took it into one of hers, “This is huge news, life-shattering, and we’re allowed to process it however we need to. But I see that look in your eyes, none of this is on you. Don’t blame yourself for what Dad did to him.” And if Mel had spent the time I had with Bucky, watched him in the bar in Madripoor, been in the therapy session with him, seen his reaction to losing his arm in Riga, I knew she’d feel different. I had a front row seat to Bucky’s PTSD and my father had been the ringleader. How could I not feel a little responsible? ——

Sam, Sarah and I had talked the boat situation over the morning before. The offer that Sarah had received from the guy who had been interested before Sam returned home had fallen through, he’d cited the reason as that it would take more money to fix than it was worth. Ever the hero, Sam had phoned everyone in the community who had known his parents and called in as many favors as he could. As I pulled up to the docks, ready to roll up my sleeves and begin working, I was delightfully surprised at how many people had responded. There were at least a dozen sets of helping hands waiting to work. It was moments like these that reminded me how lucky I was to live in such a close knit community.

I weaved through people, greeting and thanking everyone for coming out as I made my way to the boat. “Black Falcon to the rescue again, huh?” I called out to Sam as I climbed aboard, he was standing at the bow of the ship next to somebody whose back was turned to me. “You know it,” Sam called back, turning around and facing me, along with the man who he’d been in conversation with. 

It was Bucky.

My heart stopped and I froze in my tracks, adrenaline shooting through my veins. Our eyes met across the deck and we may as well have been back in Sokovia. There was the same pain threaded through his ocean blue eyes only enhanced by the fear reflecting in mine. I wanted to run to him and away from him all at once, but knew which instinct needed to be listened to. 

I looked to Sam and faked a hopefully convincing smile, “I’ll be below deck.” Hurriedly, I hauled my ass across the deck and raced down the steps. My hands flew to cover my nose and mouth as my breathing increased. He was here, he couldn’t be here, why was he here? Any progress I’d made, however small, in trying to put Bucky to rest had been revived the second I saw his face. 

“You wanna explain what that was?” I looked up to see Sam stepping off the final stair and crossing his arms in front of me, “One day you’re friends and the next you bolt outta the room when you see the guy?” “Just,” I strained, stopping to take as soothing a breath as I was capable of and straightening my posture, “Keep me where he isn’t.” Sam sighed, reading me all too well, “Y/n, if this is about your dad, there’s noth-“ “Now what needs to be done down here?” I interrupted, placing my hands on my hips and hoping that if I projected confidence, I’d start to feel it. 

“Fine,” Sam conceded to my wishes and gestured to the engine we were standing next to, “Check the zincs. If you need to replace ‘em, we’ll have to run down to Joe’s. And just so you know,” he stood at the steps and pointed between me and where Bucky most likely stood above us, “I don’t agree with this.” I shook my head to shake myself out of the moment as he left me to my work, blissfully hidden from the person I wanted to be with most. 

——

I had never experienced a more uncomfortable day.

For the entire morning and afternoon, it was like switching a light on and off. If Bucky came below deck to fix something, I filed out as quick as I could to work above deck. We didn’t interact more than when we passed each other once in a while, each brush of shoulder sending a jolt of electricity through me. Sam had been no help either, he’d prevented me from making the necessary run to the hardware store or helping Sarah with lunch. He was determined to try and quarantine me and Bucky on the boat, most likely in hopes that my resolve would weaken. No matter how much it was killing me, I kept my distance and my head down as we made repairs in awkward silence.

When the sun began to set over the waters and there was nothing left to be done for the day, I carefully made my way up the stairs and listened for voices. When I heard none close by, I took quick steps across the deck and hopped off the boat onto the dock. I didn’t dare look over my shoulder to see if Bucky, who was stealthy enough to sneak up on anyone, was behind me and kept on my path to the outdoor kitchen area Sarah was closing up. “Good day?” I asked, grabbing an extra rag to try and get the oil off my hands from working on the engine.

“Better than you,” she retorted, “You’ve had that sour look on your face since you got here.” “Just,” I sighed and stopped my rigorous rubbing for a second, “Still thinking about everything…” Stopping her cleaning while I resumed mine, she wrapped her arms around my shoulders and leaned her head against mine. Out of Sam, Melanie, myself and her, Sarah was the most removed from the situation. My dad hadn’t interacted much with the Wilsons, he hadn’t interacted with hardly anyone outside of his family, so Sarah didn’t have many memories with him nor had she fought HYDRA. It was actually nice to be around someone who didn’t have his dirty deeds bouncing around their head like an old school Microsoft screensaver.

“You,” she pressed a kiss to the side of my head, “Are one of the best human beings I know and nothing can change that, not even this.” Starting the argument that this revelation did in fact change a lot of things would be useless, I knew better than to try and prove Sarah wrong. I simply patted her arm and leaned into her embrace, taking the comfort I could get even if I didn’t necessarily deserve it. 

“By the way,” she said as she unwrapped her arms, “Sam invited Bucky to stay the night.” My stomach dropped, “WHAT?” “He was gonna go find a hotel room but that’s ridiculous when he can just crash on the couch,” Sarah shrugged, wiping off the counter once again. “Why?” I pressed my hands to my mouth in a praying position, “Why could you not be an angel who has to help everybody, just this once?”

Sarah turned to face me, placing on hand on her hip, “The guy saved your ass from being killed and ran you to the hospital,” I opened my mouth to ask her how she knew that, she held up a finger to me, “Sam told me all about Riga. It’s the least we can do for him. And don’t even think about running to Mel’s place for the night, you promised the boys you’d take them to school tomorrow morning.” I stood there, nervously wringing the cloth through my hands as Sarah walked away to finish up another task before night fell. All my efforts to keep away from Bucky were failing and it wasn’t due to anything on my part. How was I supposed to protect him if we were constantly around each other? As I looked out to the deck of the boat, I could see Sam and Bucky had winded up there drinking beers to celebrate their long day of work. It was a scene that only days ago, I could have easily slipped into. I didn’t just miss Bucky, I missed the dynamic the three of us had grown to have. Sam would have pressed a beer into my hand and lightheartedly elbowed me, I’d have settled down next to Bucky whose hand would have naturally drifted to the small of my back…It would have been a perfect end to the day. Instead, I was cursing my father for ever having dipped a toe in HYDRA’s pool, his decision had ruined my life.

——

I had two vendettas, one with Sam for inviting Bucky to stay and one with my quickly drying throat that begged for water. 

Laying in bed with my pillow smashed across my face, I peeked one eye out to check my alarm clock. 1:29AM. I’d laid in the same position for an hour, hoping that sleep took me over and my thirst would die till the morning. The family had been asleep for hours and with the amount of work Sam and him did, Bucky should have been passed out too. If I pulled it off just right, I could sneak downstairs to grab a bottle of water and get out before he ever stirred. Waking an ex-assassin wouldn’t be good for either of us.

I tiptoed out of my room, mindful of the creaking door as I passed AJ and Cass’ bedroom. Once I got to the stairs, I chose a silent approach and used my energy to float my way down the steps. I continued doing so through the kitchen, sneaking a peek over to the couch to see Bucky sound asleep. I opened up the fridge quietly and reached in blindly, feeling around till I hit a bottle and pulling it out. Tucking the bottle under my arm, I placed my hands back at my side and began to let the energy lift me.

“You do know I can hear you, right?” The familiar voice startled me, causing me to absorb the energy back into my palms quickly. I squeezed my eyes shut in frustration before turning to see Bucky, laying in the same position I’d found him in with his lids still shut. “Forgot,” I said, hoping he didn’t hear the shake in my voice, “Super soldier.” 

Flipping the blanket Sarah had given to him off his body, he swung his long legs off the couch and sat up to face me. It truly wasn’t fair how good he looked even in the middle of the night, the moonlight coming through the windows and highlighting his silhouette. Admiring his profile was the only thing making the uncomfortable silence semi-bearable. 

“We need to talk,” he started. “We really don’t,” I hurriedly replied, starting to rotate my body to flee. Bucky stood up, the couch creaking in relief as he did, “Yes, we do. You left so fast the other day I couldn’t get two words in.” “Because you didn’t need to,” I said from my place in the kitchen, “There’s nothing you can say to make any of this better and you shouldn’t. In fact, you should hate me.” He raised a tired eyebrow, “Hate you?” 

“Yes,” I said, a little louder, “Hate me for what my father did to you, hate me for being his daughter. I hate me right now, I don’t understand why you don’t.” “Because there’s nothing to hate,” Bucky chuckled softly, “You of all people have given me the least to hate.” “Bucky, of all people you should hate me the most,” I said firmly, setting the forgotten bottle on the counter, “We travel the world all week and then you find out I’m the daughter of the man whose job was to hook you up to machines an-and torture you all day. That’s the man who I drew pictures of and kissed every night before bed and thought was the greatest person to ever walk the fucking planet,” I spread my arms out to accentuate the point, “That man is one of the reasons for all that pain seeping out of you. And guess what? I’m him. I’m literally his flesh and blood! So go ahead, hate me! You have every right to, and it would make this all so much easier if you did.” “Make what easier? Ignoring each other?” Bucky crossed his arms over his broad chest, “I don’t want to do that.” I knew he wasn’t going to let it go, I had only one decent shot at ending the conversation and I needed to take it, even if it broke my heart. “Well, it’s what I want,” I picked up the bottle again, trying to pretend I was as confidant in my decision to walk away as my words were.

“That’s a lie and we both know it,” Bucky said, the tiniest smirk appearing on his lips, something I always found cute but now found annoying. 

It may have been the biggest lie I’d ever told in my entire life, but it was also truth. I wanted to leave Bucky before he inevitably left me. “No, it’s not,” I said, my voice threatening to tremble as I used it. “You wanna look me in the eye and tell me that?” I hadn’t dared to make too much contact with those wild eyes that I’d fallen for, I’d only give in all the quicker and let his grace draw me straight into his arms. He’d called my bluff, knowing that lying to him was easy when I didn’t actually have to see him and that I couldn’t continue the charade if that changed. As I dragged my eyes up to meet his, the tears I’d been fighting back began to come forward. He looked broken and whole at the sight of me, exactly how I felt.

“What do you want me to say, Bucky?” I whispered, my throat closing with emotion.

“I want you to tell me, to my face,” he paused, drawing a shallow breath, “That I’m crazy and that I read every signal wrong.” It would have been less painful if he’d sucker punched me with his left hand, I’d have actually preferred it. It had taken everything in me to tell just one lie, I couldn’t do it again to either one of us. But I also couldn’t succumb to my feelings. “Bucky…” I shakily began, clenching my fists at their sides.

“Because you’ve been living in my head pretty much since the minute I met you, and I don’t wanna sweep this week under the rug like it was nothing,” Bucky made a sweeping motion with his hand, “I don’t think I can.” “Bucky, we can’t…I can’t do that to you.” “Do what?” he asked confusedly, squinting his eyes as if he couldn’t see the issue. “I don’t want to hurt you!” I snapped, allowing the tears to break free of their restraints and shed themselves, “There’s going to come a day where every memory of what he put you through is going to be blamed on me and I can’t wait for the day where you wake up and look at me like I’m the monster my father was. I can’t have a little of you, Bucky, and then lose you entirely.” My cheeks were wet with my guilt, I made no effort to dry them or cease their streams. I stood there on the edge of where the kitchen met the living room staring at the man who held my heart, trying to pry it from his hands to no avail. Bucky looked just as surprised by the revelation as I’d been when it flew from my lips without any opposition from my head. 

“What did you say to me in Riga?” he whispered, his voice raising slightly to try and emphasize the point he was about to make, “’I don’t believe that any part of you is capable of me?’ ‘That’s not who you really are?’” he echoed my sentiments from days ago, “You’re not him. If I believed there was any of him in you, I wouldn’t be standing here begging you to stop beating yourself up about this.” He took a step forward, waiting to see if I walked away but I was too focused on him to think about running. He continued coming forward, “Y/n, I can’t walk away from this like you mean nothing to me. You’re the first person I’ve met that sees me as Bucky Barnes before anything else. I gave you every reason to write me off and you didn’t give up on me,” he paused, swallowing harshly as he stopped in front of me, “When I’m with you, I feel safe for the first time in a long time. There’s never gonna come a day where I stop lookin’ at you like you’re the most important thing in the world to me.”

There were mere inches left between us, the words I had been dying to hear were now mine for the taking and I was too paralyzed with shock to react. Of course he had to come and hit me with my own affirmations, making perfect sense. The side of my mind that believed I didn’t deserve this happiness was screaming that these feelings would fade, that my father’s sins would always be at the forefront of us. The other side that wanted nothing more than to reach out and close the distance between us was telling me to believe him and let myself be cared for, something I’d always believed I was too broken for. And somehow they were both drowned out by the excitement I felt with Bucky in such close proximity, staring down at me with those cerulean pools, infused with the darkness that sent a chill down my spine. There was a palpable change in the air, from emotional to the great and grand something we finally near naming. Every part of me wanted to reach out and take him for for myself, to kiss him and pull him so close that there was no telling where I began and he ended. If there was a chance for me to back out, it was now. I could run to my room, to my car, anywhere that he wasn’t. But at the end of the day, that wasn’t what I wanted. I could either let myself be held captive by crimes I’d never committed, or I could dedicate myself to loving the man who the universe had somehow tied me to long ago. 

“Tell me to stop,” Bucky said, his voice hitting that low timbre that made goosebumps break out across my skin. 

I couldn’t deny either one of us any longer.

Bucky took a step towards me, his eyes never leaving mine as I backed to accommodate him and his plans. A small gasp left me as my back hit the kitchen wall, my hands reaching back to press against it to try and find purchase on something. There was now only a breath’s width of space left between Bucky and I, our shared air growing more and more heated as we bathed in the anticipation of the moment. His eyes flicked between my y/e/c ones and my lips, looking for any signs of hesitation that didn’t exist. He placed a finger under my chin to tilt my head to his liking, pausing to take in the sight of my tear streaked face in the last seconds before we let loose the storm that had been brewing inside us both. I took the time to admire the wonder on his face, the two of us his newest discovery in a world he had long been asleep to.

He leaned in and our lips finally touched, euphorically.

I found myself unable to move, overwhelmed by the sensation I’d wanted to feel since our dance in Madripoor. Bucky didn’t overstep his bounds, he kept our mouths softly connected as we absorbed each other. When he disconnected our lips, whether to repeat the act or pull away, my body snapped into action and my hands flew to his neck, pulling him back down to me. Our lips didn’t fight for dominance so much as they did try and take in as much of each other as they could. Bucky’s hand slipped from my chin and both fell to my hips, pulling me flush against his body. On his tongue, I could taste the remnants of however many beers he’d shared with Sam, they’d stayed on the boat till the first evening stars started to appear. The scent of him, freshly showered after a long day of work, invaded my senses and spurred me on further, my hands moving to fist the back of his blue henley. With our kisses becoming more fervent, Bucky’s metal arm wrapped around my hips and lifted me so effortlessly, it only made the moment more heated. I wound my legs around his waist and let him carry me to wherever he desired, him easily supporting my weight and never disconnecting our lips as he fell to the couch. My hands snaked up his back to thread themselves through the short brown locks, causing him to pull away with a soft moan before diving back into my mouth. His flesh hand took hold of the back of my head and pushed me further into the kiss, trying to taste as much of me as he could. This. This was what I had been craving since the moment I’d realized I was far more starved of Bucky’s touch than I’d thought I’d been. The delightful friction our bodies created, the pressure of our lips dancing together, the knowledge that I was just as much his as he was mine. No more questioning, no more stolen moments wondering what could have happened if we hadn’t been interrupted. This was whole and perfect and right. 

Eventually, the second long breaks we took for became insufficient and we needed to part for longer. Bucky looked gorgeously spent, his half lidded eyes following me, his lips deliciously swollen and his hair messed up from where my hands had been. I smiled as I dragged my hands to his cheek and ran my thumb over his plump lower lip, bringing a lopsided grin to his face. There was a joy I hadn’t seen him express yet and my stomach flipped knowing that I was the one to bring it in him.

“Don’t leave,” he breathed, his chest rising and falling rapidly in the aftermath of our passion,  “Please.” In my palms, I held one of the world’s most deadly men, someone whose reputation had consisted of how ruthless a killer he’d once been. And here he was, warm and soft and begging me not to go. “I’m not going anywhere,” I whispered, delighting in how his eyes brightened at hearing my words. Contrasting the intensity of the minutes before, I leaned in and brushed my lips against Bucky’s with as little pressure as I could. He chased them the second I pulled away, eliciting a giggle out of me that he swallowed, kissing me so lovingly it almost broke my heart. He inhaled me like I was oxygen and he’d been deprived far too long. It didn’t occur to me that there was a chance I was his first kiss since before he shipped out in the ’40’s. “I don’t wanna stop,” he mumbled against my lips. “Then don’t,” I replied, breathing in his soft exhales, “We’ll stay up all night doing this.” Bucky chuckled, pulling away from my mouth to turn his head and press tender kisses to the palm I’d been cradling his cheek in. He tugged me closer then, my hands winding around his shoulders and his face burying itself in my neck. My laugh at the sensation of his scruff quickly morphed to a moan as he planted drawn out kisses against every inch of the bruises our encounter with Walker in Riga had left me with. I extended my neck to give him better access, feeling his lips twist in a wicked grin as his ministrations caused my breathing to quicken. “Okay, if you keep doing this,” I gasped, trying to steady my voice, “We’re gonna be up all night doing something else.” He pecked the column of my neck once more before pulling his head out and facing me, still smiling. I pressed my forehead to his and he nuzzled his nose against mine, still desperate to keep any contact he could. 

“I’ve wanted to do this for a while,” Bucky confessed, rubbing his metal hand up and down my back, “Thought about it in Riga, when we were fighting, in the alleyway…”

“Me too,” I agreed, grinning uncontrollably, “But you know why I’m glad it didn’t happen till now?” Bucky hummed questioningly, “Because this is the longest we’ve been together without someone interrupting us.”

Bucky chortled loud enough for me to feel the need to cover his mouth, causing me to laugh myself. I never thought that there would come a day where the two of us would be sitting on my couch in the middle of the night, as lighthearted as could be. This was a slice of heaven after all that we’d been through. “Do you believe me now when I say my opinion of you is never gonna change?” Bucky asked. Had he not proven to me that it was true, I wouldn’t have believed it. I’d have punished the both of us for the rest of my life. “As long as you believe me when I say that I know you’ll never hurt me.” I knew that there was so many layers to his pain, most that I would never understand, but he couldn’t keep a part of himself hidden forever. If we were going to do this, we were going do it wholeheartedly, taking the best and the worst parts of each other. The unlovable would never go unloved as long as we were together.

“Okay,” Bucky sighed, tightening the arm around my waist and bringing the other to my face, “Okay.” He pulled me down to press his lips to each of my cheeks, landing one last one to my mouth.

Our kisses became longer and softer, signaling that though we were both eager to explore this new territory, exhaustion was running the show. We eventually slowed down to where Bucky’s face rested in the juncture where my neck met my shoulder while my head rested against his, one arm wrapped around his shoulders and a hand running through his hair. My lips laid featherlight kisses against his temple every few minutes, taking advantage of the fact that I could do so freely now. I could feel his hot breath hit my skin at such a leisurely pace that if it hadn’t have been for his metal thumb rubbing my waist every once in a while, I’d have thought he’d fallen asleep. Eventually, when my eyelids began to shut against my will, Bucky shifted on the couch to lay both of us down. I settled naturally on top of him, my head against his chest and a hand resting on each of his broad shoulders. Just when I thought in my drowsy haze that nothing could make the moment any more perfect, Bucky pressed a sleepy kiss to the top of my head and tightened his arms around my back, securing my body to his.

This was peace.

This was right.

This was what we deserved.

——

At the sound of hushed voices and grunts, my eyes slowly opened. I blinked a few times and made out the sight of my nephews, AJ throwing punches and Cass deflecting them with the shield that had laid in the hallway for days. After days spent witnessing some of the worst the world had to offer, this was the purity that I needed to see.

“Bucky…” I whispered, he inhaled sharply as he awoke with one arm slung over my waist and the other hung over the edge of the couch. I tapped his chest and pointed to my nephews, still oblivious to our presence.

“Hey,” Bucky called, his morning voice rougher than it was the rest of the day. 

The boys jumped at the sound, Cass shoving the shield back in its case and him and AJ running as soon as it hit the ground with mischievous smiles on their faces. I laughed softly, looking up to see Bucky lazily smiling. I had the best view in the world, close enough to see the lines that drew his grin up, so different from the frowning ones I was so used to seeing. When he tilted his head down and our eyes met, his smile made no effort to lessen itself.

“Morning,” he said, bringing a hand up to stroke the top of my head.

“Morning,” I replied, shimmying up his body and taking hold of his cheeks, our lips meeting in early morning bliss, “We’re in deep shit.” “Why’s that?” he asked.

“The boys can’t keep a secret to save their lives,” I chuckled, “So you need to enjoy your last day alive because Sam is going to kill you.” Bucky wrinkled his nose as he laughed, “Thanks for the warning.” I dropped my head back to his chest, picking up one of his dog tags in my hand and reading his name pressed in the metal. I’d never been a big believer in fate, but as I rubbed a thumb over the necklace I was reminded that Bucky and I should have never met. He should have been long gone by now, Captain America’s childhood friend who met a tragic end before he could see the war won. He wasn’t supposed to be here, warming my body with his and pressing the sweetest kisses I’d ever known to my skin. Our being together defied time itself.

“Seeing them, the boys…” Bucky began, still stroking my hair, “I think I get what you and Sam were talking about back in Maryland.”

I rested my chin on his pec to see him, his gaze focused on the ceiling in deep thought. “Steve giving him the shield…It’s not the same at all.”

I shook my head, sadly, giving confirmation to his revelation. I didn’t begrudge him for not understanding right away, unless you were in Sam’s shoes you could only have so much of an understanding. The unrelenting way that Bucky had pushed him was what had caused me to call him out on several occasions. But if the week we’d had with our confrontation with the police, meeting Isaiah and coming to Delacroix had finally shown him the flaw in his thinking, I was glad. “I think you should talk to him,” I suggested. He scoffed, “I think I owe him a lot more than that.

“Well, he’s probably already out on the boat. And I,” I groaned as I sat up, straddling Bucky’s hips, “Promised the boys that I’d take them to school so we both need to get up.” Bucky made a similar sound as he swung his legs over the couch, pivoting my body so that we were in a similar position we’d been in in the middle of the night. He took my face in his hand and gave a kiss so long, I knew I’d feel the ghost of his lips until the next time I was able to feel the real thing. To think just hours before I’d been hellbent on convincing him that we couldn’t allow ourselves to act on our feelings. Here I was now struggling to let go of him to spend an hour apart at most. 

The giggling on the other side of the wall broke the spell though.

Bucky and I broke apart with a shared smile. “See you in a bit,” I whispered, pressing my hands to his chest and pushing off of him to disappear around the corner.

After dressing for the day, I corralled the boys into my car. I could practically hear their predictable thoughts and feel their eyes boring into the back of my head as I shut my door. “There’s donuts with both your names on them if you promise not to tell Uncle Sam what you saw this morning.”

A resounding chorus of enthusiastic ‘okays’ reminded me that I was the best aunt in the world who made the worst parenting decisions. 

——

By nothing short of a miracle, Bucky was still alive when I returned.

We worked on the boat with familiar stolen glances and secret smirks when Sam had his back turned. At some point Sarah kicked the two of them off the boat for attempting to repair the water pump, something she’d been repairing and Bucky and I were forced to separate. As the two men departed the dock, he turned around to catch one last look at me and flashed the smile I’d seen more of in the last twelve hours than I had all week. 

“You wanna tell me what changed from last night?” Sarah’s voice broke me out of the daze I was in.

“Huh?” 

“You’ve been staring at that man with googly eyes all day,” she climbed aboard the boat, “You’re also lucky that our brother is clueless.” 

I rolled my eyes and bumped my hip against hers, “Freakin’ mom vision, can’t get anything past you.” “I’m just glad you got out of your own way, he seems like a good guy,” Sarah smiled, “He’s also fine as hell, if you haven’t noticed. If you wouldn’t have gone for it, I might have.” Our loud laughter mixed together as I whacked her with the towel I’d been using to clean an oil stain off of the boat.

Later that day, after finishing helping my sister with a few repairs we could get done without interruptions from Sam and Bucky, I wandered to our backyard to behold a sight I never thought I’d see. Sam was throwing the shield around while Bucky stood beside him. I stopped at the side of the house to watch, the Vibranium bouncing off of training pads from our garage that were strapped to the tree. Since Sam had brought the shield home six months ago, I’d never seen him do more than pick it up and look at it every once in a while. He’d kept it stored away in his bedroom in its casing, AJ and Cass hadn’t even seen it until he’d left it in the hall after returning from Maryland. To see him wielding it now felt…right. He looked just as natural with it as Steve had. Bucky had made a 180 as well, he looked content watching Sam as he caught the shield in its return journey back to them. If I hadn’t watched them bicker like schoolchildren for the better portion of the week, I’d have mistaken them for friends. “Are you telling me that you two could’ve man-hugged it out back in that interrogation room?” I shouted as I watched them clasp hands and pull each other in, “Coulda spared yourselves a lot of discomfort.”

They both laughed and turned to face me, in an effort to save time as I made my way out to where they stood. “So what’s new?” I asked with a knowing smile, eyeing Sam as he held the shield at his side

“Absolutely nothing,” he replied, “And a little bit of everything.”

I chuckled before my eyes inevitably found Bucky’s, who was already waiting for me with an outstretched palm. “Can I talk to you a minute?” “Yeah,” I reached out and intwined our fingers. “Whoa! Wait, wait, wait,” Sam boomed, gesturing to our locked hands, “What the hell is this?”

“Something new,” I shrugged, looking up and matching Bucky’s smile.

Sam groaned in disgust, “You’ve been here twenty four hours, Barnes, you couldn’t’ve kept your hands off my sister? I-I can’t even look at this, it’s sickening, ugh…” he turned his back to us and began his walk back to the house, spinning around quickly and stuttering, “You know what? I-“ he closed his mouth and shook his head, “Uh-uh, nope, can’t do it.” Bucky and I both snorted as we watched him leave, voicing his displeasure to himself. I looked down and noticed the packed duffle bag that rested at Bucky’s feet, “I get the feeling there’s something you need to tell me?” He sighed, reaching blindly to weave his fingers with my other hand’s set. “There’s something I gotta go do. A couple somethings actually. I talked to Sam, or at least he talked to me,” one corner of his mouth quirked up, “This whole making amends thing, I haven’t been doing the greatest job of it. There’s too many names in that book that don’t have closure about what happened to someone they loved. If I stand a chance at putting what happened in the past, I gotta go ‘do the work’.”

I rubbed my thumb over his smooth metal knuckle, staring down at the space between us. “Yeah, you do,” I looked up at him, “Recovery sucks, there’s no sophisticated way of putting it. Sam and I have both seen the ugly side of it. But you owe it to yourself to work as hard as you can for your freedom, as difficult as it can be sometimes.” Bucky leaned down to press his forehead against mine. “If it hadn’t’ve been for you, I might not have believed that. I wanna get better for you too, to try and be the man you deserve.”

I hummed and bit down on my bottom lip, smiling widely. “So…you kinda like me.” “Yeah,” Bucky chuckled softly, “Just a little bit.”

The warmth I felt radiating through me, brought on by nothing more than a touch of our hands and a shared smile powered me in a way my energy never could. “Go,” I said after a few seconds of silence, “Do whatever you need to do. I think there’s some things here that I need to take care of myself.” Bucky pulled back to look my face over as if to commit every inch to his memory before holding the back of my head and pressing a kiss to my lips. Perhaps it was cruel that I had just gotten him and now had to let him go for an undetermined period of time. But his recovery meant more to me than any amount of heart pounding touches or earth shattering kisses he could give. If we ever had a shot of making it, we needed to go to our separate corners and heal.

I hesitantly broke away from his lips first, rubbing mine together after to memorize the taste he’d left. “If I don’t let you go now, I won’t be able to…” “It won’t be forever,” he shook his head, bumping his nose against mine, “Sam’s gonna call me if he gets a lead on Karli.” Rather than keep him longer with my insecurities about jumping back into hero work now knowing who my father had truly been, I decided that dealing with that was for my personal healing. I reached my arms up to wind around his neck, his finding their new home around my waist and for a split second in time, nothing else mattered. There was just me, Bucky and the future I hoped we had ahead of us. I memorized the feel of him, the rise and fall of his chest against mine, his soft hair between my fingers, the scratch of his stubble against my neck. I hadn’t had time to daydream about Bucky since recognizing my feelings for him but even if I had, they’d have never done the real thing near justice.

“Stay safe, Sergeant,” I said, pulling back to peck his lips one last time and releasing him from my hold.

Bucky picked up his bag and slung it over his shoulder, giving my hand one more squeeze and holding it as he started to walk backwards. Once we reached a point where the only way to keep the contact was to follow him, we let go with a brush of our fingers till I was only holding air. With a final shared look, he turned his back to me and started down the dirt path that would lead him from our corner of Louisiana to the rest of the world. In so many ways I felt as if we’d traveled back to 1943 when he’d shipped out for England. I was sending him off to another war, this time battling his own past. Above any other feeling I felt for Bucky, the one that topped the list was belief. I believed in him more than he believed in himself and I wanted that to change. He could do it and once he did, there was no telling just how happy we could be.

But I in turn had to deal with my own demons.

——

While I wish I could have said I had a plan like Bucky’s, I had no idea what the first step was to healing past what my father had done.

HYDRA wasn’t a topic that I could just plop down on a therapist’s couch and start discussing, there were only so many people I could talk to about it. I found myself wishing that Steve was still around, next to Bucky he was the world’s leading expert on how much damage the organization could do. Without a blueprint of how to begin mending my wounds, I was left to wallow in my own grief over the man I’d believed my dad to be. Sam, however, was on fire.

After him, Sarah and I had made the unanimous decision that the boat was too important to our family to part with, he had launched into the most intense training I’d ever seen him put himself through. He was both blowing me away and not surprising me at all with his dedication.

One morning, I came outside at his normal time to come home from his 6AM run with a cup of coffee for me and a Gatorade for him. On cue, he came jogging up the dirt path I’d watched Bucky leave on days ago.

“You’re inhuman,” I said, tossing him the drink as he approached, “I’m convinced of it.” “It’s nothin’ you couldn’t be doing,” he panted. 

“Yeah, I can run with you or I can get up before sunrise. A combo deal is not gonna happen,” I chortled before taking a sip of my coffee. 

Sam joined me and sat down beside me on our back porch, the view of the blue waters a perfect accent to the almost fully risen sun. “Look, I don’t wanna know any details but…you and Bucky?”

I smiled as I stared down into my mug, just the thought of him causing happiness to bloom in my chest. “It was kinda happening the whole time, it just took us a while to realize it.” Sam groaned, taking a long swig of his drink. “That’s all I need to know, as long as you both are happy and not too disgusting with each other,” he looked out the corner of his eyes at me, “I think I can live with it.” “Well, that’s mighty big of you,” I patted his sweaty shoulder, instantly regretting the decision and wiping my palm on my bathrobe, “That shield starting to feel like it’s yours?” Sam chuckled, “It doesn’t feel like it’s not mine anymore, it’s…weird. Talking with Isaiah was sobering and he’s allowed to be as bitter as he wants. The man’s earned to right to feel anything after what he’s been through. But,” he sighed, “I couldn’t let it go. All that pain and suffering, I can’t let it go to waste.” “You couldn’t not be a hero even if you tried,” I shook my head in amazement, beaming with pride at my brother, “I’m proud of you.”

“Hey, that’s my line,” he hit my knee with the back of his hand, “I’ve got Torres working on some things, hopefully we can figure out where Karli might be going next-“ I couldn’t lead both him and Bucky to believe I was seriously considering going back to the fight. “I’m gonna stop you right there,” I held up a hand, “When you find them, it’s gonna be just you and Bucky. I’m out.” He furrowed his brows and twisted to face me fully, “Why?” “I can’t be the hero I thought I could, not after what I found out. It would only be a matter of time till somebody looked me up and figured out who my father was, then what? Some ex-HYDRA member comes looking for me? The public loses trust in me to protect them? Your reputation gets damaged when they realize I’m your sister?” I dropped my head down to stare at my lap, “It’s a bad idea. HYDRA doesn’t breed heroes.”

A beat of silence was played before my brother gave his rebuttal. “Look at me,” I dragged my eyes away from my engrossing coffee to him, “I couldn’t give two shits what people think about you being my sister, cause you know what? They don’t know you. They don’t know what you’ve done to try and stop the Flag Smashers, how you saved my life in that warehouse or how you helped keep our family going for five years. They don’t know how stubborn and caring and how much of a hero you are without your powers,” he paused and smirked at me, “And they’re never gonna know that if you don’t show them. What your dad did was horrible, but you’re not the one that did it. If you didn’t let his secret hold you back from being with Bucky, why’re you letting it hold you back from something else you want? You don’t need to be proud of being his daughter, but you need to make peace with it.”

He was right, as if he could ever be anything other than. Sam was counseling me like a sister but also like one of the countless veterans he’d helped wracked with guilt. I didn’t know if I’d ever fully recover from the hurt that came with the revelation, but if I kept on going how I was, I’d be a complete hypocrite. If Bucky could face the victims of his crimes and confess to them, I should’ve been able to deal with my ghosts. All I’d ever wanted to do was help people, to use that mutated gene of mine to help right wrongs. To do that, I needed to do the work. “This is a far cry from a few days ago when you were ready to send me packing,” I retorted. “Well,” Sam chuckled, “You proved me wrong. Fighting with you by my side just felt right, made me wish you could’ve been there for ‘em all.”

The fact that I had shown him that I could keep up with him was astounding, I honestly didn’t think it would ever happen. But with his approval, I’d have to have been an idiot to walk away from it all.

“Good talk,” I smiled, patting his leg while taking one last sip of my coffee before handing it to him.

“Where are you going?” Sam asked.

“Making peace with it.”

——

The drive from Delacroix to New Orleans had always relaxed me. The disappearance of the deep bayous as the scenery slowly changed to city, the ever present cypress trees, the hour travel time always gave me time to think. Something I was thankful for today especially.

I parked my car outside my destination, making the long trek through the cemetery I’d visited every week as a child. My feet automatically as I passed the neat rows of above ground tombs until I reached where I needed to be.

Keeping a safe distance away, I stuffed my hands in my jacket pockets and took a deep breath. “Hi,” I whispered, greeting my father’s tomb as if I expected it to speak back to me. “Um…I don’t know if you can hear me wherever you are but…there’s some things I need to talk to you about.” My eyes began to water, partially from the wind hitting my face but mostly from the tears that had been waiting to spring free. “Why’d you do it, Dad?” I whispered against the lump in my throat, “I don’t understand how you could ever have been a part of something so destructive. You were the last person I would have ever believed could have done something like this. You were my hero,” I looked down at the ground between us, “I never thought you’d end up being the villain.” I drew a shaky breath and continued, “I watched your guilt over your ‘time in the service’ tear you apart to a point where you thought death was the only way out so…I think it’s safe to assume you felt bad about what you’d done. I watched you every day try to be a good father to me and Mel, you didn’t succeed all the time but you did your best. I know you loved us…” “Somehow,” I dug the heel of my sneaker into my the dirt, “I’m trying to find it in me to forgive you, Dad. For the pain your secret’s brought me, for what your name could do to the rest of my life, for lying…But the one thing I don’t know how to forgive you for is what you did to Bucky,” the tears that I’d finally gotten under control threatened to start again, “Because Dad, he means the world to me and to know that you were behind that pain that’s running his life…It makes me want to hate you. And the saddest part is that I know you would have loved him if you’d ever gotten a chance to meet the real him.”

“The way I see it, I can’t undo the damage you did to the world,” my voice found its strength, “But what you did isn’t going to dictate what I do with my life. I’ve only ever wanted to do good, however I can, that’s what I’m going to do. I know that you wanted me to keep my powers hidden, probably because you didn’t want anyone to find me, but I can’t do that anymore. I can’t pay the price for your sins. So I’m gonna fight and I’m gonna try to rewrite our family’s legacy.”

“Anyway, that’s, uh, that’s all I wanted to say,” I took a slow step forward and placed a hand over the stone tomb, “I wish…I wish things would have turned out different.”

With one last gaze upon my father’s final resting place, I left the same way I’d come, for once not having to fake the confidence I was feeling.

——

“Oh, oh, it’s going…” I teased.

“Give it back!” Sam yelled! “It’s going!”

“Y/n!” 

I levitated the shield further away from Sam and slid it across the ground into the boy’s soccer net, AJ and Cass chasing me as I did. I’d only just shown them that their aunt could make stuff fly and we were currently engaged in an intense game of keep away with Sam.

“AJ! Grab it!” I yelled, my nephew hurrying to the net and lifting the shield, stumbling a little as he took off running with it on his arm. I threw up a force field around Sam, who was gaining on him, “Oh no!” Sam was laughing the whole time as he tried to punch his way out of the bubble encasing him. “Go go go!” I cried, watching the boys run off with the shield into the house, dropping the field once they were inside.

“You’re the worst influence on them, you know that right?” Sam chuckled as we slowly made our way towards the front door. 

“Hey, I don’t want them thinking their uncle’s the only cool one in the family,” I replied as we entered the house, pulling out my phone to check the notifications I’d feel vibrating in my back pocket. One was a news alert. “Sam.” “Huh?” I tossed him my phone and hurried through the house till I reached the television, flipping to the news to see the article come to life. The GRC was voting in New York on the Patch Act, a movement that would move twenty million refugees back to their home country.

“Shit,” I mumbled, feeling Sam’s presence behind me. His phone rang to announce a call. “It’s Torres,” he held out the phone and revealed the man’s face. “Sorry this took so long, spare you the technical details, but I finally got results for the scans you asked for and I think we’re onto something,” Torres explained as Sam and I went to look at his computer, displaying a map of Europe that lit up with bright red circles. “When we look back, all these pings, they’re from places just before the Flag Smashers hit. Clearly, they’re all over Europe. Earlier today, we got one from New York. Now, I can’t promise you they’re not using a VPN or masking their location, but…” I’d stopped listening after he’d said ‘New York,’ and turned my attention to the tv, every piece of the puzzle was coming together. Karli wouldn’t be physically able to hold herself back from interfering with the vote. “Great work, Joaquin,” Sam said, his eyes trained on the screen along with me, “We’ll take it from here,” he hung up the call and turned to me, “Time to get to work. Come with me.” He rose from his chair and led me to the coat closet nearest to the front door, opening it up to pull out a large silver case and handing it to me. “I don’t know what’s in it, Bucky just told me to hold onto it until the time came where you’d need it,” Sam stated, “I’m thinking that’s now.” Confusedly, I carried it out and up to my bedroom, placing it on my mattress and trying to figure out how to open it. There was no keyhole, only a bar that hosted a red screen. My finger brushed over it, the action turning it blue and the case automatically released an air lock I didn’t know it had. Waiting a few seconds to make sure nothing popped out, I carefully opened the box to see something I couldn’t have predicted in a million years. Resting on top of the surprise was a note on the nicest stationary I’d ever seen…

You may be able to kick my ass, but I’m never gonna stop trying to protect you.

- Bucky

I breathed a soft laugh, holding the paper in my hand and imagining Bucky hunched over a table, writing the words that were now lodged in my heart. “Sam,” I called out, leaving the case open and rushing across the hall to my brother’s room, “Sam, it’s-“ All words disappeared and all thoughts halted at the sight of him opening up his own case, I didn’t need to see its contents to make an educated guess at what was inside of it. There were a dozen emotions playing out on Sam’s face, wonder, apprehension, excitement, shock…Every one of them valid but none of them coming close to the amount of pure determination in his eyes.

I watched from the doorway, smiling, “Ready when you are, Cap.”

----

A/N: AHHH. Only two chapters left, hope this one lived up to your expectations. Getting your messages and comments and asks have been making my days and I’m so glad people are enjoying this little ride I’m taking us all on. Let me know what you thought and/or if you’d like to be tagged for the remainder of the series!

Safe Haven taglist: @tanyaherondale​ @wanniiieeee​ @asoftie4bucky​ @edencherries​ @i-reblog-fics-i-like​ @ttalisa​ @gcfty @withyoutilltheendofthismess​ @rinaispunk​ @weirdowithnobeardo​ @felicityofbakerstreet​ @godlyhufflepuff @eternalharry​ @voguesir​ @mizz-kraziii​ @okayline​ @smellmymisunderstoodfluff @wanderin-stories​ @nicklet94 @intricate-melody​ @aesthethickks​ @stumbleonmywords​ @simplybarnes​ @21bruhs​ @lostinwonderland314​ @superbookishhufflepuff​ @kaelyn-lobrutto24​ @zozebos​ @fandomxreaders @kittengirl998​ @sarai-ibn-la-ahad​ @i-know-i-can​ @x-judyjude-x​ @thebi-valkyrieofvalhalla​ @buckverse​ @living-that-best-life​ @haphazardhufflepuff​ @citlalireedus @lindseyrae20​ @missstef23​ @qhbr2013​ @sebby-stann​ @bluemoon-icecream​ @iixbella​ @lets-love-little-me​ @abitofeverythinggg​ @itsnottilly​ @sltwins​ @mads-weasley​ @hart-failure @natdrunk​ @nctma15​

フェア関西のルームメイト二名 (The Two Roommates from Fair Kansai)

Chapter 2: The Typo

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Description: In which while typing a roommate ad online, the famed Miya Atsumu, (23) MSBY Jackals Setter, makes a detrimental typo that leads to an influx of women applicants. Confused, but not completely opposed (the idiot), Miya Atsumu lands on a formidable candidate. Y/n L/n. A Biotechnology major at Kansai University, looking for a change after her last disastrous roommates and some space from a particular complication. It’s odd, but it’ll work. Maybe a little too well.

Pairings: Miya Atsumu x Reader

Warnings: None!

Word Count: ~1.4k

A/n: Cross posted from my AO3. I update there first, so if you want the chapters sooner, check it out!

To say Atsumu was overwhelmed would be an understatement. When one of the athletic directors approached him saying how his phone kept going off in the locker room, he was concerned something was seriously wrong. As a precaution, they assure him that if it was an emergency that he should feel free to take the day. But upon closer inspection, he quickly realized that wouldn’t be necessary. He scrolled through what seemed like pages of messages and missed calls about the ad. And not just any inquiries, but…

“ALL WOMEN!” Atsumu exclaimed loudly in the busy shop. A few annoyed heads turned to the source of the outburst.

Osamu rolled his eyes, “‘Tsumu, we talked about this. Having you come during busy hours is already enough of a nuisance, but could you keep it down? This is still a public place.”

“But ‘Samu! What am I going to do?” Atsumu whisper-shouted like it would help his outburst, but it still elicited a few head turns, “I already didn’t want to room with a stranger! And now all of the applicants are girls? This has to be some sort of joke.”

Osamu helped with the line and handed out a few orders to customers before focusing some energy on his dramatic brother. “Well, did you specify that you were only looking for male roommate?”

Atsumu picked at the stray rice grains on his plate as he tried to remember what he wrote. He couldn’t remember specifying anything about the roommate themselves; focusing mainly on the apartment itself. He voiced his thoughts to his brother.

“Hmm, well Atsumu can be a girl's name. Maybe that’s why?”

He tried not to be offended at his brother’s comment, mainly because he was partially right. It’s possible that they’re assuming he’s a girl. But that doesn’t make entire sense either. Is it possible his fan club found the posting? That seemed pretty possible. Atsumu knew fangirls could get crazy when they wanted to be.

Osamu finished some things behind the bar and went over to sit by Atsumu. The two contemplated his conundrum over a fresh plate of onigiri. After Osamu’s second, he spoke up, “Just for science, can I see your ad?”

Atsumu gave him an incredulous look, but pulled up the ad anyway, “I mean, sure, but I don’t think-”

At Atsumu’s sudden silence, Osamu’s curiosity was piqued, “”Tsumu? Everything okay?”

Wordlessly he handed the phone over and Osamu read through the ad. Immediately after reading, he burst into laughter.

“‘Samu! This isn’t funny!”

But Osamu was laughing so hard he couldn’t even speak. Some of his employees turned out of concern and curiosity at their boss’ sudden burst. Eventually, he calmed down enough to choke out a “you are in some trouble, ‘Tsumu”.

Roommate Wanted.

Master Bedroom available with a private bath in a 100 sq m apartment in Osaka. In-unit wash, AC, dishwasher, internet, etc. Fully furnished (besides bedroom available). Rent with utilities is 62784¥. Near public transportation. Feel free to contact with questions or offers.

06-XXXX-XXXX

Text/Call

Miya Atsumi

--

“Alright, that wraps it up for today. Finish the calculations on your own time and be sure to bring back your completed form by next class. See you Tuesday!”

The sound of chairs scraping against the floor harmonized with the zipping and unzipping of backpacks as the classroom got up to leave. Y/n pulled out her phone to finally check her messages.

From: Mom

Found a listing in Osaka that looks interesting. Good apartment with really good pricing. You should give them a call.

(link)

Y/n typed a quick thank you before clicking on the link. Her mom was right. It looked like a decent location and a not too bad price. Trying to look for any information on the roommate (roommates?), all she could see was a number and a name at the bottom of the ad. What a strange listing. It was probably the shortest listing she’d ever come across--and definitely the most to the point.

Y/n sat and stared at the listing for a little bit while weighing her options. She just got out of an interesting situation in Suita, but she was now living with her parents. Which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, but both her and her parents weren’t exactly jumping at the idea of her moving back in, especially with her graduating college next year.

Making up her mind, she copied the number and sent a quick text to the number on the ad. A silent prayer was sent to whoever was listening. This wouldn’t fix all of her problems, but this would solve a big one and she swore she would be able to handle the rest.

--

“And you told me I was loud,” Now Atsumu was getting antsy about the amount of people staring at his hysteric brother. “”Samu, you need to calm down.”

This had been going on for at least ten minutes now. Osamu would read through the ad, get sent into a fit of laughter, finally calm down, but then would read it again and the cycle would start all over again. Not used to being the responsible twin, in addition to being extremely embarrassed by his brother’s reaction to his typo, Atsumu was at a loss for what to do. He tried sending reassuring smiles to patrons and mumbled some apologies, but that was the extent of his capabilities.

Finally, Osamu calmed down and pushed Atsumu’s phone back to him. Taking a deep breath to compose himself, Osamu tried to console his brother, “Hey, maybe this won’t be such a bad thing. Surely, there’s at least one of those girls that you could at least be civil with.”

Atsumu scrolled through his messages again, exacerbated, “Even if that’s true! There’s too many! I don’t really have the time to sit and go through all of these.”

There were at least 100 people who had responded to his ad and where the messages definitely weren’t flooding in as much as they had earlier that day, he would get a notification about once every 15-20 minutes. By the time he got through the original applicants, there would be another 100-200 to take their place. In between practice and conditioning, there was no way Atsumu was going to be able to get through these all by himself.

“Tell you what,” Osamu leaned back in the chair he was sitting in, “Since this was partially my idea, I’ll help you tonight after I close up. And if we can’t find anyone, I’ll help you write up a better listing and we can delete this one.”

Atsumu’s other issue with all of these applicants is that he really didn’t want to spend energy looking through dozens of descriptions and deciding if he would like them or not. He assumed it would be like the dating app he had for a couple weeks, but worse. Atsumu really didn’t like the idea of judging someone based on a single paragraph they wrote about themselves. He preferred a more personal approach. Like with the various spikers and teammates he’d played with over the years, he was really good at reading people in person. Within a short conversation, he could pretty accurately lay out a person’s personality (what things they might like, what might make them tick, what things they were indifferent to). Over the internet it was much more difficult.

He guessed he could always ask them to meet in person, right? That was something people did. They could meet at his brother’s restaurant so then Osamu could get a feel for the other person. Atsumu figured it would also get one glaring issue out of the way: he was a guy.

It was a fool proof plan. Osamu and him would sort through the applicants tonight and he would invite them to meet him in person. This way he can see if it’s going to work or not and if they aren’t comfortable with rooming with a guy they can just leave. Genius!

Atsumu recounted his plan to his brother and Osamu was in agreement. With that, the blonde brother left to go to afternoon conditioning, planning on returning just before close to sneak in a few more onigiri from his brother before the long haul.

To say that I am nervous about posting my writing onto the internet is an understatement.

But the lovely and extremely talented @lumos-flies has inspired me to do so after working with me on making my Villain Denki brain rot a reality. So this is a part 2 to that.

Link to "About Last Night" also a Link to KoFi because their work is impeccable

Denki Kaminari x F! Reader

+18 Minors DNI

TW: Overstim, electricity play, use of Puppy as a pet name, slight possessive yan vibes if you squint. That’s really all I could think of, if someone catches more PLEASE let me know!

___________________________________________________________

It has been 2 weeks, 5 hours, and a quick glance at the clock shows 30 minutes since that text from Denki. Not that you were keeping track or anything. No, you were perfectly capable of living your life as normal all while knowing that the best sex of your life was had with the infamous Chargebolt.

“Miss me?”

That the same electric quirk that lit your body up like the grand finale New Year firework display was also capable of leveling a city block. Those hands that stoked such euphoria from your body that you could still feel him on a cellular level, were also the hands responsible for the death of hundreds. And you, a grown capable woman was going to work and living your life as normally as possible in this crazy city. You weren’t still obsessing over the idea of texting Denki back, or having flashbacks to that night while alone with yourself at night… or in the shower… or hell even currently riding this elevator at work down to the first floor so you can start your walk back home. The memory of Denki’s head between your thighs as electric sparks swirled across his tongue wasn’t plaguing your every waking moment.

Too bad you were a terrible liar, even, maybe especially to yourself.

How demented was it that him becoming a villain turned you on more? Was it the risk? As if living in this city without quirk wasn’t risky enough in and of itself, you were now fantasizing about a villain?! Granted, the fantasies were based on a very real encounter but still. You should probably speak to a therapist, but were also concerned that they would be legally obligated to tell the authorities. You would be the worst bait, after all you couldn’t even lie to yourself.

You don’t even remember making it back to your apartment. So caught up in your own thoughts you must have walked the whole way on autopilot. Which is a shame, because thoughts like those required wine and you cant remember if your roommate remembered to add it to the lis… thoughts halted abruptly by the current obsession leaning against your door.

Are hallucinations a common symptom of sexual frustration? Why would he be here? As you stare at the blonde casually leaning against the frame, slight smirk gracing his face as Denki takes in your presence.

“Hey Puppy, long time no see” his voice ran through you, sparking along your spine, further fanning the dark need inside of you. Yet you couldn’t say a word, too shocked that he was here, in the flesh.

“You know, you should probably let me in. Wouldn’t want your neighbors to call the cops. Bakugo is real big on property damage. I think he gets off on it.” Denki’s smirk deepens into a grin at your blanched expression. Its not fair that someone so evil can make a grin look that sexy. Spurred on by the fear of others seeing him does rush you into action, urging him inside your apartment.

Before you can even ask what he was doing there or how he found out where you lived, Denki had your back against a wall with his face shoved between your neck and shoulder.

“J..just give me a minute”

The vulnerability of the moment had you forgetting all the news segments and every other thought in your head. Your arms reacted on their own accord, wrapping tightly around him, stroking his back to offer comfort. As if this was a completely normal situation, and not the fucked up one that was your reality. This softness did not last long. It started with soft kisses, that turned to a quick nibble, and paused with a whispered “You should say no now, this is your only out”. Your voice responded without any input from your conscience or logic with a desperately whispered “please.”

Denki let out a growl, pulling your body roughly against his, already feeling sparks of heat through your work shirt while his teeth bit into the softness of your neck. You knew that you said yes to something more than just another night, but as Denki lifted you your legs wrapping around his waist as he carried you to your room, you were not really sure that you cared. As the buttons from your blouse snapped and landed on the floor, with every rip and tear of thread as Denki rushed to see your skin, you let the world know with every moan and gasp that fell from your lips, how willing you were to fall into this sin.

“Watch me” You had not even realized your eyes had closed, Denki was still dressed, though he had lost his jacket to the floor. Your clothes were in tatters around you, naked and vulnerable sitting on top of your comforter at the edge of your bed. Now that he had your full attention, Denki traced his fingers from your neck to each of your pert nipples, the electricity from his fingertips shocking you as he traced your body. Claiming every cell as his lighting danced along your skin leaving no inch of it untouched. You would never be the same, but you should have known that from the last time. Possessiveness filled his yellow eyes, trapping you in their depths. You couldn’t look away, even if you wanted too.

“Do you know how many times I have thought about this body of yours puppy?” With each words his fingers traced lower down your stomach, the other hand tightening its grip on your thigh. “Almost constantly. You not messaging me back stung a little bit though” the electricity went a little sharp on the word stung, ripping out a whimper from your lips, before it returned to the pleasing level of heat that you went wet for, the reality being so much better than the memory. You did dare to speak back though, voice thick with lust “you didn’t text back for the longest time either.” The words may have been whispered but they did not go unnoticed by Denki. With a crooked grin, he pulled you closer to the edge of the bed, forcing your thighs apart so that his body could stand between them.

“So my puppy did miss me” his teeth nibbled along your jaw, drawing out a moan as he made his way to your sensitive ears “don’t worry Y/N, you won’t have to miss me anymore.” With those words sealing your fate, Denki drops to his knees pressing his lips against your wet cunt. “Keep those eyes on me puppy, and those hands to the bed. Want to be a good girl for me dontcha?”

All it took was a nod from you before his tongue was licking along the seam, teasingly dipping into your folds, only using the tip of his tongue to flick over your sensitive clit. “Already so wet for me puppy” the words vibrated through your core, as his tongue kept tracing a path from your folds to your clit and back. You were so close to the edge of bliss already, just a bit more pressure and you would… the scream that came out of your throat your orgasm ripping through you at Denki’s sudden use of this quirk on your clit caught all of your senses by surprise.

Denki chuckled against your core, the flat of his tongue against your clit riding you through the pleasure. Kissing your clit, shocks electricity still coming from his mouth, he gave no warning when he plunged two of his fingers into your clenching depths, instantly finding that special spot within you. As if he had a map. Which really wasn’t fair, especially as he released more shocks against your clit and spot in tandem, ripping another orgasm from your body in quick succession. Your conscience never stood a chance when Denki had claimed every nerve, every thought, every breathe.

Licking his lips, Denki rose to his feet so that he stood between your thighs. Grabbing your chin with one hand while releasing his dick from his pants with the other, never breaking eye contact. “Y/N” your name like a prayer on his tongue as he nudged your clit with the head of his dick, his hand stroking himself as he used your slick. “I am taking you with me puppy, wont need anyone but me” and with those words he pushed inside of you, moving his hands to your waist to pull you even closer.

Shocks from his quirk along with the way he slammed himself into your cervix, eyes still locked together had you coming undone around his cock. Fucked dumb, you don’t even remember gripping onto his shoulders, “you know puppy” Denki groans into your ears “your hands were supposed to stay on the bed. But don’t worry baby, we got time to train you on how to be a good girl for me later.” His voice in your ear combined with the relentless pounding into you, electricity dancing in and around your body, wrapping around you like hands had you coming again. Your eyes rolling back, whimpering at the blend of pain and pleasure, not sure how long you were going to be able to grasp consciousness.

You weren’t even completely done with the orgasm rolling through you before you felt the next one building. Denki was like the fucking energizer puppy, as you fluttered and gripped around his cock he started to pound faster, something you weren’t even sure was possible.

“Go on puppy, give me one more”

The fabric of his shirt against your nipples, his teeth and lips marking your neck and shoulders, your body electric with the waves of yellow lighting shocking against your skin at his every touch had your final orgasm exploding within you. Body alive with the white shock of blinding pleasure you barely registered Denki whispering your name or the feeling of his warm cum painting your inner walls. All you could register was the softness of your comforter against your back as you fell against it, darkness blurring your vision as you succumbed to sleep, and the whispered promise.

“I am taking you with me.”

As promised.

So the only backstory you really need here is that there’s a huge dip in crime and the ninja are bored. Kai turns to Chirp for ideas on what to do and gets a lot of people recommending this new app called “OvK”. So he tries it out and loves it. Jay also heard about it and downloaded it and the two of them have been avid users of it since.

Pixal has concerns.

--

Pixal was suspicious.

It was just an app, but it was bothering her. With the sudden drop in crime, she had the time to investigate.

Something about the way Kai and Jay wouldn’t put their phones down. Something about the glazed look they had. Something about their insistence that the others try it.

First, Pixal looked at the reviews.

They were all overwhelmingly positive. Not a single negative opinion or fault to be found. Well, they would be far from the first to sanitize their app store reviews.

Pixal moved on to social media and still found nothing. Not a single person trying to hate on it. Which was just impossible. Even if the app was perfect, there would be people naysaying purely based on the fact that it was popular. Not one article trying to get hate clicks. Not one troll trying to upset people. Not one hipster wannabe trying to be “above” the trend.

It sat poorly with Pixal.

She turned to the parts of the internet that made her feel sticky and gross. She tried to do it the old-fashioned way to avoid feeling it, but got nowhere. She had to deep dive.

Even plugging herself in and digging through sketchy archives, she couldn’t find any negative opinions.

She did find holes though. Places where she sure there once was her sought after negative reviews. But they had been scrubbed. Erased. The only trace of what they were being what was missing.

It scared Pixal. These cites weren’t easy to hack and they sure couldn’t be bought. Some of them were borderline impossible to get into unless someone could do what Pixal did and immerse themselves into the code.

She was even more concerned.

She tried to look into the code of the app itself, but it didn’t make sense. It looked fine, but Pixal couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something scrubbed from there too. Something it had hidden in response to her snooping.

She didn’t like how Kai looked when he used it. It looked familiar, the expression. A blank smile with unfocused eyes. Something she’d seen on him somewhere before. It stirred feelings of concern and fear.

Jay’s expression matched him when he used the app, but Pixal didn’t think she recognized it on him.

She wanted to share her concerns with Zane, but she wasn’t sure what they were yet. That Kai and Jay had phone addictions? That the app they were using seemed too well liked?

She was considering her options while she walked down the hall, catching sight of Kai and Lloyd as she passed the open door.

Kai was showing Lloyd something on his phone, probably the OvK app she was so worried about. That wasn’t what stopped her dead though.

Lloyd had that same blank glassy smile, and she recognized it on him. Seeing Kai and Lloyd next to each other, she finally figured out what she was seeing.

Content and thoughtless. That was how they looked when Zane had microchipped them.

Pixal’s concern overflowed.

“PUT THE PHONE DOWN!” she screamed.

Kai and Lloyd both looked up, still shaking off whatever trance they were in, but thankfully shaking it off none the less.

“Pixal? What are you- HEY!” Kai yelled as she snatched the phone from him.

She thought briefly about snapping the thing in half. She stopped herself so she could exam it. But no, that wouldn’t work. The app covered it’s tracks too well. Probably because there was an intelligence behind it.

Was it Zane?

Pixal’s breathing was panicked. Good thing she only breathed for aesthetic, otherwise she would’ve been hyperventilating.

“Pixal, give me my phone back.” Kai said, reaching for the thing.

“NO!” she yelled

“What’s wrong?” Lloyd asked.

“That app isn’t normal.” Pixal said, trying to figure out how to put her concerns into words.

Kai raised an impatient eyebrow.

“You two looked…you liked like you did when Zane was all ‘Overkill’. I didn’t recognize it at first, and I didn’t recognize it on Jay, but seeing both of you next to each other, there’s no doubt.”

“Pixal, it’s just a phone app. It’s not capable of mind control.” Kai said, crossing his arms.

“I don’t know what it’s capable of, but I do know what I saw, and I know that somebody has been scrubbing negative reviews of it off the internet with the skill I think only a nindroid could manage.”

Kai’s brow furrowed. Conflict. He believed her of course, but a part of him was still trying to deny it. He was fighting with himself on it.

“Are you sure?” Lloyd asked.

“Kai?” Pixal said, ignoring Lloyd for a moment.

Kai’s clear struggle didn’t look good.

“Yeah, I just….I don’t….” Kai gripped his head.

“Kai, are you ok?” Lloyd asked.

“I….I think Pixal is right.” Kai said “I’m….I don’t feel normal.”

Kai hissed in pain. Pixal and Lloyd rushed forward to catch him as he fell forward.

“I’m….I want to argue with you about this and I don’t know why.” Kai confessed “I think….I think you’re right. Something’s gotten into me.”

“We need to get Jay off this too.” Lloyd said

“Pixal, get that thing away from me before I take it back.” Kai said, pushing himself away from her.

“Take my phone too. I downloaded it.” Lloyd said, handing his phone over to Pixal.

“Right. I’ll go get Jay’s phone from him, maybe Nya and Cole’s too for good measure.” Pixal said, turning to leave “You two….try talking to Zane. I don’t want to think that he’s behind this but…”

They nodded. Kai seemed more lucid, having shaken off the last of his issues.

--

Oh wow. Is Zane crazy again? Or is someone else behind it this time? Who knows!? 

And wow Kai, you sure seemed to catch on to that real quick. It would be a shame if that were to....cause problems for you later. >:)

Anyways, there’s more written and a little bit more planned. IDK when I’ll post more, but engagement is nice.

-Ivy

i am once again tired of casual ableism and people promising to do better only to turn their backs and be... well, ableist.

i’m talking about the use of ableist language and the ableist tones in every day speech. even i, a mentally disabled person, am guilty of these but i rarely see anyone talk about how casual ableist language has become and how people constantly fail to do better even when they claim to support disabled people.

it’s not enough that you stop using the r word because you once saw it in your ‘slurs a woke person shouldn’t use - catalogue of 2017′ or whatever. you know what - i bet you enter situations where you think... ‘man, i really want to use the r word to insult this person’s intelligence but i’m prohibited to do so...’ and then use a word like ‘brain damaged’ without really thinking through the implications you deliver with that insult. see, you may have just as well used the r word.

i’m not claiming at all that ‘brain damaged’ is a slur but you calling someone that just because they have an opinion you disagree with insinuates that only mentally disabled people are capable of stupidity or bigotry or whatever your point with using the insult is. it also insinuates that brain damage lessens person’s worth. you trying to undermine a bigot and simultaneously implying that mental disabilities cheapen people... yeah, i agree. not a good look.

i really want people to think and pay attention to when and in which contexts they casually use words like ‘brain damaged’ - or even ‘crazy’ or ‘stupid’. i don’t want to erase these words from people’s vocabulary - crazy and stupid are so casual words removed from their original purpose that they don’t exactly even mean what they used to mean, at least not with the way we use them today. and i think we’re (thankfully) way past the ‘crazy is a slur’ discourse.

so, especially when you’re arguing with people on the internet you know nothing about, remember:

when you’re insulting someone’s spelling - dyslexia is a thing. 

when you get frustrated with people who don’t know basic math -  dyscalculia is a thing. 

when you make fun of people for not understanding a joke - autistic people sometimes struggle with it. 

when you lash out at people for not keeping up with something - people with adhd have difficulties with their train of thought. 

when you tell people they’re not making sense or are mispronouncing words - so you haven’t heard of aphasia? 

and i know these are just superficial and generalizing examples and there are tons of mental disabilities i haven’t mentioned. plus, people are individuals with individual struggles, but do you get my point? even if the people you’re talking to don’t have these disabilities, it’s still a shitty thing to do. you’re not helping your, e.g. dyslexic followers, who will see you posting these things, by mocking someone’s spelling and grammar

you don’t have to walk on eggshells. i am merely asking you to reflect on the way you speak, especially when insulting someone. even when you’re insulting yourself when you’re not mentally disabled. i am asking you to do your part in making disabled people actually feel safe and appreciated. for you to call out other people and bring this topic up with them.

you need to finally realize that insulting someone’s intelligence and mental capabilities is just as bad as insulting someone’s looks.