Mary Shelley, from "Mathilda," originally published posthumously in 1959

Margaret Atwood, from The Selected Poems of Margaret Atwood; "Daguerreotype Taken in Old Age,"

Ella Wheeler Wilcox, “The Eternal Now”

Joseph Brodsky, translated by Howard Moss, from a poem titled "I Sit By The Window,"

From grey rooms step angels with filth-spattered wings.

Georg Trakl, "Psalm" from To the Silenced (trans. Will Stone)

Ada Limón, from "To the Busted Among Us", Sharks in the Rivers

could not sleep, did make-up, went for walk & got in fight with mother.

the morning after atrocity

forehead is too-big & i am alone, crying & burning

The moon, loving me

Burning myself to get the voices to stop saying Michael is loving someone-else & not me, not anymore. Hurting myself until they stop saying he is moving on.

burned myself when thinking of michael, loving someone-else (not me, not anymore) {percieved him "moving-on" with his friend claude, or was back with his ex allison, or was with The Blonde}

Carl Phillips, from “Civilization”, Then the War: And Selected Poems, 2007-2020

...when the dreamer’s heart / Overflows with crimson sunset,

Georg Trakl, "Limbo" from To the Silenced (trans. Will Stone)

michael & i

like matryoshka, one inside another inside another inside another.

Birthright, George Abraham // tumblr user dogsmouth // The Complete Poems of Anna Akhmatova: White Flock //Anne Carson, Nox // A Crash Course in Molotov Cocktails, Halyna Kruk // Herman Melville, from a letter to Nathaniel Hawthorne //tumblr user eridan-amporna // tumblr user boyflesher(deactivated) // For Your Own Good, Leah Horlick // Elizabeth Robinson, Brothers

woke up screaming last night because when i would close my eyes i would see sexual things & i couldnt hit myself too hard because my mother & i share a room & she would startle & she did because i started crying & then she told me "hannah, open your eyes! open your eyes." i have to plan every strike, i have to seek every right moment to harm in exclusive secrecy. & the cutting must be really careful after hitting that vein in my leg because i thought michael was sleeping with someone. every time i picture him being intimate with someone i just start beating my head or lighting myself on fire or beating my private parts or cutting myself just anything to get the thought of him being with someone like he was with me out of my head. it hurts that bad. we share our living space so it isn't easily done. & she reminded me that one of our neighbors is really scared to live here & that my apartment building is practically see-through with all the noise that gets allowed but my mother said god is protecting us from being heard & i believe her. the other night it all just wouldnt stop & i ran out into the woods behind my house chasing after the invisible men who protect me, begging them to let me die. & they knelt before me, i could see the shimmering heat lifting off of their hidden bodies & heard them say "yeah, okay. okay." in the kindest, sweetest voice. i was screaming-crying. & when i scream-cry it goes all around the building & everyone hears it. yesterday my neighbors girlfriend told my mother that they heard screams coming but it sounded like it was coming from a few houses down, so i know its true, i know god is protecting me from being heard when i get like that, but i still dont want to push the envelope, not all the time. not like its been. i need it to stop. i've started writing again so that way its able to be healthily let out of my caged ache. my body is a cage.

michael being "with" claude makes me light myself on fire & punch myself repeatedly in the head & privates & i keep banging my head as hard as i can on the brick wall outside my apartment. im scared of losing what we had / have & i thought claude was a lesbian. please not claude please please make sure they cant get too close i saw that status about his wavering lesbian situation & im terrified that he's got his sights on her. please god no please again please give him back to me, i can handle him, i promise. i need him. i dont think claude NEEDS him. i NEED him. just the thought of him being alone & with me in his mind. please god just make sure he doesn't make claude his next partner. i hang in a few weeks just keep them apart for that long please just until my date please .i get deactivated June 12th, im terminated my mothers already been informed & set it up so i go to heaven. its over, its done, now please stop this with him being with more people. im to hang. i want to die. i do not want to go on living. researching the chart nearest to the one that dies in the middle of the Russian channel. everything Cheyenne says is a metaphor & i wish i could go back to speaking them too & not-eating! my internet got fucked up again but i made a new internet. why would i have trouble reading a single sentence if i took my Vyvanse this morning it just doesn't make sense my medicine isn't doing its job. no matter what it is i take it seems to sit behind itself inside me. a facade a lie a liar. my medicine is a liar. i just dont talk much. plus i wasn't really able to talk like myself, you know? i wasn't "speaking in poetry" like i used to. & we broke up & got back together {at least once} i needed to be confident, & feel like myself. i needed to be thin. & sober, god did i need to be sober. & i needed to not feel that awful sinking feeling in my chest. that was horrendous. thats gone now though, thank God. i cant believe he was there with me for my throat tattoo. thats what the clear differential has been, my throat tattoo. once people try to say im not the person from the trip i just point to my throat & say "yes i am!" i needed some time away from him so i could work on my physical appearance & get back to acting like myself & make sure that feeling i felt most of my life was deleted. random surge of pro-Ukrainian nuse & not moved.