#I do have trouble with empathy but am also hyper empathetic | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mothman-clarice-2 · 4 years

Text

A Rant/Essay about Moira and Sigma and how they’ve changed my life

Hi so I am in a very very very good mood right now and I really want to rant about some things I love.

As my followers may know very well by now, I LOVE Overwatch. Specifically I LOOOVE Moira and Sigma. I less so have a special interest in Overwatch and more so in those specific characters.

Quick thing for those who don’t know, a special interest is a term used by people under the Autism spectrum to describe a subject or thing they have a very strong personal connection to.

I have recently discovered I have Aspergers syndrome, a neurodevelopmental disorder that affects the person’s ability to socialize and causes them to have repetitive and restrictive behaviors and/or interests. Basically it’s very similar to Autism but there are some slight differences that differentiate the two that I won’t go into here because it’ll take too long, but you can research them yourself if you want to of course.

This has been a HUGE discovery for me because I have known I was very different from other people for a long time but I had no idea why. This discovery explains EVERYTHING. I finally understand why I have such a hard time communicating with people and why I have such unusual tendencies (such as becoming hyper-fixated on things I like). This relates to my love of Moira and Sigma.

In Overwatch, Moira O’Deorain is a brilliant Irish geneticist on the cutting edge of her field. She has made numerous revolutionary advancements in genetic technology and manipulation. She has devoted her life to her work and advancing the Human race as a species. However, she has a very dark side to her achievements. She has achieved her discoveries by disregarding all ethics and morality in her experiments. She has experimented on everything from animals to herself to even other humans. She has performed experiments on herself that have left her permanently disfigured (her right arm). She has performed experiments on people that have permanently changed their bodies in agonizing ways (Reaper). She believes that ethics are holding back scientific advancement and that they are a waste of time. Pretty horrible right? I wouldn’t blame you for calling that evil. However, you can’t say she is absolutely evil.

Yes what she has done is horrible and she is completely morally bankrupt, but she also does what she does because she wants to help people. She does what she does because it’s for the betterment of the world. And it has made the world better! In the lore, she has made numerous revolutionary advancements in genetic technology! She is an absolute genius who is helping better the world in massive ways! But at the same time, she is hurting other people to get there. That is the epitome of complete moral ambiguity.

And I LOVE that.

You can’t say she’s completely good because she hurts people and disregards ethics as a waste of time. But you also can’t say she evil because she has made revolutionary scientific discoveries that could save the lives of millions.

I love Moira not just because she is a complex character but I also relate to her on numerous levels.

For one, she is Irish and I have a lot of Irish heritage. I adore my Irish culture and I love how she seems to be passionate about it as well given that she is fluent in Gaelic (our ancient language which is actually dying out) and she has a lot of Irish oriented stuff in the game. She has actually really caused me to get invested in my Irish heritage and learn about my culture. Another thing I relate to is that she has a great appreciation for art and is just generally pretty eccentric. She loves dressing up and cosplaying and art and music and all of these different things that I also love.

One of the biggest reasons I relate to her though is her lack of ability to understand people’s emotions. I am a very empathetic person but at the same time I have a very hard time connecting to people. I have always had trouble interacting with people and making friends because I don’t understand how people normally communicate. From what I have seen, Moira is like that too. She doesn’t seem to really have any friends (she was sorta friends with Gabriel but that was more of a business friendship) and everyone seems to either hate her or thinks she’s creepy or weird. I headcanon that Moira is high functioning autistic because of her lack of empathy and difficulty understanding people’s emotions.

Obviously I am not saying autistic people are unempathetic sociopathic mad scientists, far from it actually. People with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) can either be very empathetic or they can lack empathy to varying degrees on both sides. Sometimes they are just as empathetic as everybody else. Everyone under the autism spectrum is completely different. I just think Moira is one of the people who lacks empathy to a very high degree. I think Moira having autism that causes her to lack empathy is a very good explanation for her beliefs and how she behaves, not to mention it’s something I relate to.

As for Sigma, he’s a different character entirely.

Siebren de Kuiper (pronounced “Ki-per” with “Ki” as in “kite”) is a brilliant Dutch astrophysicist. He is known for being a very eccentric introvert with a brilliant mind and a deep, fiery passion for his work. He performed an experiment that would’ve revolutionized technology by being able to harness the power of a black hole but it went terribly wrong. The accident left him completely traumatized and his psyche destroyed. This accident also gave him the ability to control gravity but I’m not really gonna talk about that in this because it’s not really necessary.

Sigma has a lot of anxious tendencies, for example he has numerous voice lines where he becomes anxious or panicked. He says the phrase “hold it together” many times, a phrase he uses to try and comfort himself when he feels panicked. All of these have caused me to headcanon that he has PTSD and/or some other kind of anxiety disorder (although I haven’t decided which one yet).

I personally have struggled with generalized anxiety and social anxiety for a long time so I find myself relating to his anxiety. Something about seeing this 62 year old absolute GIANT of a man (he’s 8′1″) having anxiety and relating to me in so many ways is really comforting.

Whenever I am sad or anxious about something, I think of Sigma and I channel my fears through him. I do that a lot actually, not just with anxiety but with other emotions as well. Whenever I am really really happy about something, I think of Sigma and Moira. Whenever I’m depressed, I think about Sigma and Moira. I channel all of my emotions through these characters by acting out scenes in my head, imagining scenarios with them, or drawing them. Sometimes when I’m sad I’ll imagine Moira and Sigma in happy scenarios to cheer myself up.

These characters, these fictional things from a video game, have had such an important impact on me I can’t even begin to describe it. I connect with these characters so deeply and so personally.

I found myself connecting to them mostly during quarantine. This was the time when I was the loneliest I had ever been in my life. I was the most stressed and depressed I had ever been. I had lost a close family member and two beloved pets in a very short span of time. On top of this, I had no friends. I was completely downtrodden and lost. Then I decided to start playing Overwatch again, and everything started to change.

I fell back in love with Moira more than ever and I found a brand new love for Sigma. I felt more connected to these characters than I ever would've because I had pretty much nobody else to connect to. These characters became my strongest coping mechanism and, in a way, my imaginary friends. I channeled all of my anxieties and sadness and grief and loneliness through them. I used them to help me grieve my loved ones. At the same time, I channeled my joy and pride and passions through them. These characters give me comfort when I need it most. That is something so special I can’t even begin to describe it. I love these characters with every single fiber of my heart and soul. They have been my greatest coping mechanism in these extremely tumultuous times. They helped me find actual friends for the first time in years, friends who I have been able to relate to and who love me despite my odd quirks and behaviors.

These fictional characters, these video game models, these lines of code, they have helped me survive my darkest days and enriched my brightest moments. These characters have fundamentally changed my life.

And I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Thank you Overwatch. Even though your fanbase can be one of the most toxic things I have ever seen, you have given me friends and two characters that kept me going when life was trying its hardest to keep me down. You have really shown me the power of fiction and its ability to change lives. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

And thank you to whoever is still reading this. Seriously, I can’t believe you actually had the patience to listen to me ramble for so long about something so specific to me. It’s frankly incredible and I have endless respect for you. Your attention span is literally god-like if you were able to read through all this and I wanna thank you for blessing me with your priceless time and attention. It really is amazing.

#personal #positive rant #overwatch

13 notes · View notes

the-casual-reply · 4 years

Text

April 13: What kind of things do you have trouble with as an autistic person? Why do you think you have trouble with it? What helps?

As an autistic person, my most prominent struggles are regulating sensory input and the pain that comes with being hyper-empathetic.

School is a very sensory heavy place, as I’m sure all of you know. I have to stim a lot a school, and even while doing that, I experience shutdowns/nonverbal episodes around once a week. My main problem is that my school does not have many resources for those with mental illnesses. We have something called the TLC program that is meant to provide a safe space for people who struggle, but it is a very exclusive and rather ableist program. There is a lot of favoritism and those who are not in the program are strictly forbidden from going into the quiet room. Me and one my close friends have been turned away while we were having panic attacks, and my friend was told that her anxiety ‘wasn’t bad enough’ so she couldn’t come in. Due to the major lack of resources, I usually sit in the hallway during my nonverbal episodes, but this isn’t ideal because people walk by and stare at me. At home, I don’t get nearly as anxious or overstimulated, but that’s mostly because I usually stay in my room. The main thing that helps me is the ability to be alone or with someone I trust, and having the security of knowing where I can go if I become overstimulated.

I am also hyper-empathetic. I feel bad saying this because I feel as though I will be seen as bragging or acting superior, but that is just the reality of my autistic experience. I act as the ‘therapist friend’ for those around me, and though we have set boundaries that help me a lot, it can still weigh on me sometimes, having to see my friends struggle. I oftentimes absorb the feelings of those around me, and this can be very painful when I am near someone who is hurting. Since I have set up boundaries with my friends to prevent oversharing or info dumping when someone doesn’t have the mental space, I have become a lot happier and less worried generally. The security of knowing that my friends respect my different experience is reassuring.

My first shutdown was due to emotional overstimulation from my hyper-empathy. I was at my partner’s house, and their 4 year old little sister was crying and screaming because she was losing at Wii Party. Me, my partner, and their sibling all tried to calm the little sister down, but we couldn’t. I felt so bad that I couldn’t help, and I felt like I was failing my partner, so I shut down. I could barely move and couldn’t talk for about 2-3 hours. It was terrifying because I had never experienced it before. But my partner laid with me and learned sign language from me while I was nonverbal in order to help me feel better.

Overall, the main thing that helps me is security. The security of knowing I am respected, the security of knowing what to do in case of emergency, and the security of knowing that people really do care about me.

#30daysofautismacceptance #2020 #autism #actuallyautistic #actually autistic #autism acceptance #autistic teen #autistic experiences #overstimulation #hyperempathy

8 notes · View notes

matildaisautisticandproud · 4 years

Text

April 14th-18th - 30 Days of Autism Acceptance

April 14: What would you like other people to be more aware of when it comes to autism?

There are many things I wish other people were aware of when it comes to autism, but the biggest thing I want people to know is that we’re all different and have different needs, but we’re still human just like you nevertheless.

April 15: Free day! Write about any topic you want!

As I’ve mentioned previously, I have been diagnosed with (Central) Auditory Processing Disorder or (C)APD. The reason I put the “C” in parenthesis is because I’ve seen it called both CAPD and APD interchangeably. Anyways, this is when there is a disconnect between the ears and the brain basically; my ears are fully functional, but my brain has trouble processing language, especially so when there’s background noise.

On a practical, everyday perspective, this disorder makes it harder for me to understand what people are saying because what they say just sounds like a garbled mess. There was a video someone did a while ago and they spoke gibberish in several different languages to show native speakers what it sounds like when they’re speaking to non-native speakers. They weren’t actually saying real words, but speaking in gibberish in such a way that it mimicked how the languages sound. My mother language is English so, the one they did on English is exactly what words sound like to me sometimes. It sounds like English and it sounds like words, but I can’t comprehend what’s said because it’s perceived by me as garbled gibberish. I can’t help it.

Furthermore, I have greatly difficulty understanding media involving audio, especially so songs. Even if the backing track is hardly there, I still struggle to actually make out what the singer is saying. That’s why I rely on looking up the lyrics of songs if I liked them after initially being exposed to it. Also, I always put closed captioning on whenever possible when watching shows, YouTube videos, and so on; doing so ensures that I am able to fully comprehend what is being said.

If you have any questions, please ask! :)

April 16: Do you experience hyper empathy or low empathy? Talk about it. What is it like?

I believe I experience hyper empathy, but I’m not sure. I very easily pick up on others’ emotions and they impact me (i.e. if someone’s anxious, I’ll get anxious), but yet I struggle immensely to understand the emotions of other people to the point I grow terribly defensive. Maybe I’m not highly empathetic, but hyper sensitive to the emotions of other people? I really don’t have a proper answer.

April 17: Have you experienced ableism before? If so, how did it feel and how did you handle it?

Well, there’s been only a few instances in which I’ve experienced this. One notable time was when I was struggling to handle the presence of the large crowd, noise, and temperature (I am super sensitive to temperature changes and freak out when it gets too hot; I can’t stand heat whatsoever.) at this one family gathering I was at. So, I excused myself and went to find a more quiet place at the park we were at to collect my bearings. When I came back, I managed to catch a piece of a conversation between two family members I hardly know. This is heavily paraphrased, but it went something like this:

A - “What was Matilda’s deal?”

B - “I heard she’s autistic or something like that.”

A - “She doesn’t look it. And shouldn’t she be acting more mature if she’s an adult? Autism is no excuse.”

B - “I know. Why can’t she just deal?”

Let’s just say, I’m glad I don’t really know those people. The worst part is this happened not too long after my official diagnosis. It was terrible. I never did address the situation, but it sure did ruin my day. The thing was, I was being mature by excusing myself. I’m sure they’d have much more to say if I had allowed myself to endure the situation until I blew up at somebody or started crying.

Another instance is when I told a now ex-friend that I was officially autistic and with the straightest face possible, she said, “No you’re not.”

April 18: Discuss how you felt when you felt when you first learnt you were autistic vs how you feel now.

When I was first diagnosed, I was both overwhelmed and relieved. I was relieved because I finally had an answer to why I was struggling so much, but I was also overwhelmed because now I had an answer and a label. I was officially “disabled”. It took me a little bit to accept the fact that I am different and I will struggle in different areas; I didn’t like that I had to endure all these struggles while others got it easy. I’m no longer that petty.

Now, I’ve come to terms with my diagnosis and have actually embraced it. Obviously, I’ve decided to spread awareness and acceptance of this condition and hope to continue to do so for the years to come. As long as I can better one life or educate one person, I’m happy. I just want to help and this is the way I’ve chosen. This is the only way I can adequately help people anyways XD.

As always, love yourself, whoever you are (whether you’re neurodivergent or not, disabled or not, etc.)! :)

7 notes · View notes

bluefeatheredcorvus · 4 years

Text

30 Days of Autism Acceptance

April 16th: Do you experience hyper empathy or hypo empathy? What’s it like?

I always thought I had low empathy because I wasn’t very good at identifying other people’s emotions. I often felt overwhelmed myself if someone around me was upset. I got snappy if someone around me was angry. I wasn’t good at being sympathetic because I felt too overwhelmed by my own emotions.

Now I understand more about what empathy is, I know that I experience hyper empathy. I soak up the emotions of people around me, but I still don’t quite have the emotional awareness to identify them. I also have trouble working out whether the emotions I’m feeling are mine or not. So sometimes I get tangled up in my feelings and although I am hyper empathetic, I’m not very good at expressing it. Sometimes it’s not until I have some emotional distance that I process what it was I experienced. I am getting better at communicating that to people though. In the last few years I have had a lot of conversations along the lines of ‘thank you for opening up to me. I didn’t know how to react in the moment......” and the going on to have the conversation that hadn’t taken place earlier because of feeling too emotionally tangled. Mostly people seem to appreciate that.

#30daysofautismacceptance #autism #autistic #aspergers #asd #empathy

2 notes · View notes

astracola · 4 years

Text

so because a3 is still relatively new (locally at least) i wanted to do a small introduction post to introduce my muses from it! i haven’t dropped in any headcanons (yet) so this’ll just be basic early game canon or character traits i think are neat. deadass i’m out here with half the cast i don’t know why i’m like this either frankly.

AZUMA YUKISHIRO

one of the oldest members of the company, likely in his early thirties. somehow manages to “defy aging” with his makeup skills and natural beauty.

he is fully aware of how pretty he is, thank you for asking.

a big brother to all.

gentle, easygoing, and calm, even in crisis or under stress.

have you met a professional cuddler. now you have.

noted to have an alluring personality and high sex appeal, because that’s great. likes to flirt a lot, and is very direct. says things that he definitely probably shouldn’t.

not much is known about his past, even among those in the company and his own troupe (winter), he keeps it this way intentionally. it’s implied he might have once been a host, as when he left his prior work to pursue acting, his clients were devastated.

skilled at poker and similar card games.

ITARU CHIGASAKI

what’s up gamers.

prince archetype. even within the major company he works for as an elite employee, he’s well respected/regarded. feels refreshing and calming to be around.

very, very handsome. like holy shit.

“two modes”. the professional look he gives for his work and in public--and the exact mode that give him his prince-like associations, and how he is in private. his public persona is mostly facade, though his compassion and caring nature is genuine. his “true self” is a hardcore gamer and otaku, like this, he curses more frequently and comes off rude or lazy.

he likes to keep these two personas separate, understandably. with most personal relationships, he holds everyone at a distance.

he works in finances, and not much is known about his passion for acting or if he has much of one at all. regardless of this, he’s a member of the spring troupe.

he often uses gaming and internet terms in his speech, especially in his “casual/gamer” mode.

to him, mankai is where he can truly be himself.

KAZUNARI MIYOSHI

voted most likely to quote vines irl. a literal influencer. always on top of the latest trends

a member of the summer troupe, he assumes he’s friends with everyone he meets--no questions asked, even if they come off rather abrasive. great social skills! he talks to anyone and everyone like he’s known them for years, so he’s easy to get along with.

a graphic design student, he makes the fliers for mankai. his skill is in illustration, and he has just as much passion for it as he does with acting.

you literally can NOT say he isn’t fashionable. that’s his shtick.

lowkey (but highkey) flirty with anyone he’s interested in. you know. casual.

despite his carefree attitude, he chooses his words carefully to leave those he meets with the best impression of him. he thinks so long as he befriends people, things are fine, even if a lot of those friendships are shallow at their best.

you get a nickname! and YOU get a nickname! and yo-

updates his social media daily and often. instagram, twitter, line, etc.

MASUMI USUI

a member of the spring troupe, he only joined up with mankai because he fell in love with the director in a moment of “love at first sight”. obviously, this isn’t requited. he does everything he can to try and impress her, despite having little interest in acting itself.

a bit of a “bad boy” trope, a rebel and troublemaker. he’s standoffish and rude to practically everyone else. comes across as cold and indifferent.

good at memorization! this comes in handy with their scripts.

his parents travel abroad often, so his family life is ... questionable, he has little restrictions at home and lives a carefree lifestyle, which feeds into his indifference

has a lot of female fans AND a fanclub at school thanks to his looks. he doesnt care for that shit at all tbqh.

he flirts ... a lot ... if he’s interested in you romantically ... but so far that’s only directed AT the director herself and it’s embarrassing. lovesick puppy.

i’m so sorry for him and anyone that tries to talk to him he’s kind of a dick.

MISUMI IKARUGA

honestly the definition of “bro i am just vibing.”

hard to understand, just a generally confusing person. not much is known about him or his past! he just sort of...showed up one day, crashing in the mankai dorms and becoming a member of the summer troupe shortly after.

his physical capabilities are really impressive, up to and including scaling walls and running up to ceilings. he took to acting really easily as well, and his skill in it surprised almost everyone. his wide range in characters and how easily he shifts into them implies past experience.

constantly thinking about triangles, and collects everything in a triangle shape, eats triangle food...you know how it is. the local children have dubbed him the “triangle-alien!”

enthusiastic and eccentric are the best words to describe him.

he just kind of does whatever he feels like doing, seemingly without much thought. this includes: trespassing, and stealing stuff from others (usually food). just right out of your hands.

really good at communicating with animals! it seems they have a mutual understanding.

hardcore parkour

MUKU SAKISAKA

baby (professionally diagnosed).

his motto is deadass “do one good deed each day” he is a BABY

memorizes and treasures shoujo manga, taking the male figures as inspirations. he deeply admires princes and wants to become prince-like one day.

modest, kind, and easily flustered when it comes to praise. also a lot of anxiety? he thought one of the other summer troupe members was a ghost out to get him when it was first suggested and he really thought it was because he left a single grain of rice on his plate when he was five. he’s just like this.

persecution complex.

just really...pure...

he used to do track and field, but he wasn’t passionate about it despite being the team’s ace. he only joined because he read a manga where the protagonist was on track, so he followed in his footsteps. he only quit after an injury he sustained that forever kept him from performing at his best ever again.

can recite fairytales from memory!

SAKUYA SAKUMA

sunshine embodied, the leader of mankai’s spring troupe! he was the first member of mankai, and despite his lack of skill he’s incredibly passionate about acting. he puts all of himself in everything he does. super ambitious!!

:) auditioned because of family issues, you know how it goes. ( he’s an orphan, and his new family was only really interested in what mankai could bring them, rather than his own interests.)

open and honest to a fault, he also tends to be a bit naive. he’s trying his best to be a little more independent, but that’s a long process. otherwise enthusiastic, easygoing, and positive, gets along well with pretty much everyone!

naturally lucky! give him your phone for gacha pulls.

skilled at remembering faces and names!

he still carries the script for romeo & julius, the first play the mankai company ever performed. he looks at it if he ever feels lonely, as the company feels like a family to him.

would really like to play a ruthless villain in the future, because that’s so different from what he actually is.

TAICHI NANAO

i assign you with “puppy”. a member of the autumn troupe, he has a very hyperactive personality! one of his biggest aspirations is to be popular and liked/noticed by others.

a prime example of this are his yo-yo skills and hyper origami, at the peak of their popularity he took to trying to master both, but by the time he had no one was interested anymore, and he felt horribly defeated.

his first dose of minor fame came from a minor acting role with his classmates, whose admiration he gained for his skill. ever since, he’s been trying to get this level of attention back ever since.

very in-the-know when it comes to the latest trends, because of this! fashion, past times, you name it.

needs recognition as a way to validate himself, to an unhealthy degree. he’s easily discouraged when met with criticism or when given a role he has little confidence in.

noisy and generally upbeat, and maintains an optimistic attitude despite his own lack of self-confidence.

TENMA SUMERAGI

essentially raised in the world of acting, he’s a former child prodigy who still stars in programs outside of the company.

because both of his parents are movie stars, and because of his own past, he has great faith in his abilities and hates to lose. high confidence to the point of being a bit egotistical.

“oresama” trope. his cocky attitude has gotten him into a bit of trouble with his fellow actors. as a result, prior to joining the mankai company, he didn’t have a lot of friends.

leader of the summer troupe, becoming a part of the troupe has forced him to learn to humble himself and learn to empathize. at the same time, he joined the company to overcome his weakness in performing in front of live audiences. in film, the mistakes can be edited, live? there’s a chance to disappoint the audience, and worse yet, his parents. he wants to overcome this fear and grow to be a better actor.

no sense of direction, despite his protests. also easily frightened when it comes to “scary things.” think of the classics: ghosts, abandoned places, etc.

really wants to play the role of a “bad guy” to expand his horizons, he’s often placed in cool or suave roles on tv.

TSUMUGI TSUKIOKA

the gentle, soft-spoken leader of the winter troupe! he’s said to take on his grandmother’s personality, often playing the mediator when it comes to conflict and holds a great desire for harmony

extremely!! empathetic!! to a fault, because of his empathy and sensibility, it seeps into his confidence, making him doubt himself and his own abilities--especially with acting. he’s not all that assertive either, as a result.

the mankai company is helping him grow, nowadays, he has a little more faith in himself, though he’s still rather shy.

dabbled in acting before back in university before reigniting the spark with mankai. he withdrew after intense criticism and watching his fellow theater students pass by him in ability, and it led to an intense falling out with a childhood friend (said friend is now also a part of the winter troupe)

psychology major and part-time tutor

really fucking good at rock paper scissors

he has a passion for gardening, thanks to his grandmother. he understands the language of flowers and often takes care of them.

#long post /#IM AAAAAAAAAAAAA #please love my boys im going to cry #this is really messy im so sorry but i love... they....#` ☆ study. ⁞ azuma. ◞#` ☆ study. ⁞ itaru. ◞#` ☆ study. ⁞ kazunari. ◞#` ☆ study. ⁞ masumi. ◞#` ☆ study. ⁞ misumi. ◞#` ☆ study. ⁞ muku. ◞#` ☆ study. ⁞ sakuya. ◞#` ☆ study. ⁞ taichi. ◞#` ☆ study. ⁞ tenma. ◞#` ☆ study. ⁞ tsumugi. ◞

5 notes · View notes

harcove · 5 years

Note

Asking for a Hakuouki match up please! Some things to know about me is that I am really shy when I first get to know a person but open up once I get to know them. When I really feel connected to someone, I can get really hyper and talkative. I’m also deeply empathetic and it never takes much to make me shed a fear tears. Some of my greatest passions include world history, listening to music, reading, and I have a particular weakness for plushies. 😁

Honestly - let’s be honest it’s Heisuke.

I match you with, Toudou Heisuke!

Heisuke would find your shy personality super adorable, and I think he would surely have a knack for being able to get you to open up quickly. So when you do open up, he’d be very happy and proud of not only you but himself cause well if you’re opening up to him, that must mean you trust him right?

Your hyper personality and talkative ways are something he’d love. He can be pretty excitable, and he’d definitely feed off your hyper bouts and become super talkative too when you are. He’s already a talkative person anyway when he wants to be- he sometimes just has trouble keeping his mouth shut lol, so he’d enjoy talking to someone just as excitable/talkative as he can be. Maybe it gets a bit hectic when y’all talk, but it’s fun and cute okay.

Your empathy is something he really appreciates. Sometimes it can be hard to find someone who is truly empathetic and is grateful for you being able to understand his feelings and emotions and share yours with him. He’s a bit insecure sometimes, and someone who is empathetic is a real plus for him. He’d be very comforted by you and enjoy being in your presence just knowing you understand him. Or that you would at least try to. He doesn’t feel so alone because of you because let's be honest, sometimes it's hard for Sano and Shin to understand him, but you can. Or you always have the ability to try to.

He’d like that you are able to cry. Some people hide it, a lot of people do in fact, and he likes that you can be so open with your emotions enough to cry, even if it’s a small thing to cry about. Crying makes you strong and shows you are able to communicate your empathy and emotions with others, and again he’d feel truly cherished and comforted by you and if you cry for him? Man, he’d probably cry too because wow?? You must really love him.

Heisuke would be interested in your passions. He’d want you to tell him historical facts (side note from moi- world history is awesome; I’m a history major owo) and he’d find them really interesting. He might even get a bit annoying, asking you about things, etc. but it’s all because he really just is interested and wants to be interested in what you are. He’d like to listen to music with you and would be open to whatever you want to listen to. I don’t think he would read too much, but if you suggest a book, he’ll read it for sure and probably not shut up about it. And plushies? You best bet this boi is gonna find them so cute and buy them for you and just love them. Let him hold them pls- he’s in love.

#hakuouki #hakuoki #heisuke toudou #toudou heisuke #matchup #matchups #hakuouki matchup #sorry this is lateish!!! im a lazy bih #i hope this is okay tho owo-#i really think deep about these things so i hope this is fine oof #k-chan95

19 notes · View notes

undiagnosedautismfeels · 5 years

Text

Not a Feel / Questions

Is it common for autistic people to have trouble/feel uncomfortable with addressing people they barely know and calling them by their name? Like I can't talk to someone unless I already have their attention because I can't say "Hey [name]"

This could be an autism thing, related to sameness or social skills. I have trouble calling anyone by their name unless they’re very close to me.

how do i ask my parents to get me tested for autism? i already have ADHD, but i don’t feel like that completely covers the range of sensory and communication issues i experience. i have recently (unsuccessfully) come out as trans to my mom, so i feel like my claims may be taken less seriously. can you help??

I would go with a lot of information. You can check out our Resources page for some more. I would also look into the pros and cons of an autism diagnosis in your region, school, etc.

My therapist said that I can't have autism bc I'm very empathetic but I thought hyper empathy was an autism trait? I'm confused

Autism can include a range of empathic responses. I have hyperempathy, for example. Some others have hypoempathy, fluctuating empathy, or even empathy that appears to an outsider as being at neurotypical levels. No one stereotypical autistic trait can count you as being autistic or not being autistic. Autism is a combination of several traits. A different empathy level is common, but not required for a diagnosis. You can look at the CDC’s diagnostic criteria on autism, under A, to see where hypoempathy is possible but not required.

I got a goldfish and my roommate is mad at me cause I was suppose to wait till the week so they could go with me and now I feel really bad but I also dont get why they're so mad cause they said yes to getting one and its mine anyway. They are really stressed right now so it might be that but also I dont understand what I really did wrong and I'm not very good at reading these things. Any advice?

The act of going and getting the goldfish together was probably something they were looking forward to, not so much about the goldfish itself. Your roommate probably feels like you decided getting the goldfish was more important than spending time with them. Getting a pet is exciting and they probably wanted to be involved. You might apologize, and offer to go and do something with them that they enjoy if they have time. Offering to let them feed and play with the goldfish, or name it with you, might help them feel more involved too. But communicating the misunderstanding first is most important.

Tbh i am so sick of my mum's ableism. I spoke up about how my adhd diagnosis papers suggested I should've been reevaluted for Autism when I got older, since I didn't qualify then. My mum answered 'Yeah you were supposed to rediagnosed for Autism later, but later never came and now you got quite enpugh don't you?', as if all my 2 (*gasp*) diagnosises consist as basis for me not go attract ANOTHER issue by trying to get an Autism diagnosis!!!

Yeah, sometimes it’s really hard to deal with unsupportive parents and other authority figures. Comorbidity is especially common in neurodivergent people as well. I hope things work out for you in the near future!

#not a feel #mod sky #social skills #diagnosis #comorbidity #hyperempathy #hypoempathy #fluctuating empathy #ableism #ableist language #mod sky gives advice

22 notes · View notes

magzoso-tech · 4 years

Photo

New Post has been published on https://magzoso.com/tech/technologists-are-creating-artificial-intelligence-to-help-us-tap-into-our-humanity-heres-how-and-why/

Technologists Are Creating Artificial Intelligence to Help Us Tap Into Our Humanity. Here's How (and Why).

New AI tools like Cogito aim to remind us how to be ‘human,’ issuing reminders and alerts for empathy and compassion.

December 31, 2019 15+ min read

When being empathetic is your full-time job, burning out is only human.

Few people are more aware of this than customer service representatives, who are tasked with approaching each conversation with energy and compassion — whether it’s their first call of the day or their 60th. It’s their job to make even the most difficult customer feel understood and respected while still providing them accurate information. Oftentimes that’s a tall order, resulting in frustration on both ends of the call.

But over the last few years, an unlikely aide has come forward: artificial intelligence tools designed to help people tap into and maintain “human” characteristics like empathy and compassion.

One of these tools is a platform called Cogito, named for the famous Descartes philosophy Cogito, ergo sum (“I think, therefore I am”). It’s an AI platform that monitors sales and service calls for large corporations (among them, MetLife and Humana) and offers employees real-time feedback on customer interactions.

During a call, an employee may see Cogito pop-up alerts on their screen encouraging them to display more empathy, increase their vocal energy, speak more slowly or respond more quickly. Interactions are scored and tracked on internal company dashboards, and managers can gauge, instantly, what different members of their team may need to work on.

As a call center representative in MetLife’s disability insurance department, Conor Sprouls uses Cogito constantly. On a typical day, he takes anywhere from 30 to 50 calls. Each one lasts between five and 45 minutes, depending on the complexity of the issue.

Sprouls’s first caller on the morning of Sept. 12, 2019, was someone with an anxiety disorder, and Cogito pinged Sprouls once with a reminder to be empathetic and a few times for being slow to respond (not uncommon when looking for documentation on someone’s claim, explains Sprouls).

When Cogito first rolled out, some employees were concerned about constant supervisor oversight and notification overload. They were getting pinged too often about the empathy cue, for example, and at one point, the tool thought a representative and a customer were talking over each other when they were in fact sharing a laugh. But Sprouls says that the system gets more intuitive with every call. As for over-supervision, call center conversations are always recorded and sent to supervisors, so it’s not much of a change.

In fact, Cogito may even offer a more realistic reflection of performance, says Sprouls. “A supervisor can’t be expected to listen to every single call for each of their associates, so sometimes when we’re just choosing calls at random, it could be luck of the draw — one associate could be monitored on an easy call, and another could be monitored on a hard one,” he says. “Cogito is going to give you the end result: who needs to work on what. I think the way a lot of us really look at Cogito is as a personal job coach.”

MetLife has been using Cogito for about two years, though it was first introduced in a pilot capacity.

Emily Baker, a MetLife supervisor with a team of about 17, says that her associates all benefited from Cogito’s cues during the pilot process. She says one associate’s favorite was the energy cue; he’d start slouching in his seat at the end of the day, and the posture meant he didn’t project his voice as much. When the energy cue appeared (a coffee cup icon), he sat up straight and spoke more energetically so that he appeared more engaged in the call.

“I like the fact that I can see overall, on my particular supervisor dashboard, how we’re doing as a team, if there are any trends,” Baker says. “Is everybody speaking over the caller? Is everybody having trouble with dead air? You can drill down into each person, and it’s really good for coaching one-on-one.”

Now, MetLife is in the process of rolling out Cogito across even more of its customer-facing departments — claims, direct sales, customer growth. The company also plans to more than double the number of employees using the platform (from 1,200 to over 3,000).

“It’s a little bit of a strange dynamic,” says Kristine Poznanski, head of global customer solutions at MetLife. “We’re using technology and artificial intelligence to help our associates demonstrate more human behavior. It’s something you don’t intuitively think about.”

A growing trend

At his consulting job in the New Zealand Department of Child and Family, Josh Feast, co-founder and CEO of Cogito, says he learned that social workers could experience burnout in as few as three to five years. He was shocked by the irony — that a profession designed to care for people wasn’t conducive to caring for the people in that profession.

An idea began to form, and it took further shape after a course at MIT’s Media Lab, during which Feast had a key revelation: Big organizations understand data well, so if he wanted to help people inside a large organization, he needed to present his idea in a language the corporate team could understand. “It was almost like being hit by a lightning strike,” he says.

And so Cogito was born. In the R&D phase, Feast and his co-founder worked for DARPA, the U.S. government’s Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency. The agency had in mind soldiers struggling with PTSD, and DARPA provided the Cogito team with funding to research aid for psychological distress. So Feast began studying how nurses interacted with patients.

“There was a real ‘aha’ moment where we discovered that if you could use that technology to understand the conversation — and to measure the conversational dance between nurse and patient — you could start getting a read of the degree of empathy and compassion they displayed … and the resulting attitude the patient had to that interaction,” says Feast.

He built dashboards to display measures of compassion and empathy, and he found something noteworthy: When people were given real-time feedback while speaking with someone, levels of compassion and empathy during the conversation improved. That realization was the key to Cogito’s future.

But Cogito isn’t the only AI-powered tool aiming to help us tap into our humanity.

Butterfly

There’s Butterfly, an AI tool that aims to help managers empathize with their employees and increase workplace happiness. After Butterfly is embedded into a workplace messaging system, it functions as a chatbot — executive-coaching managers in real-time based on employee surveys and feedback. Butterfly analyzes the latter to measure levels of stress, collaboration, conflict, purpose, creativity and the like. Then, it provides managers with calls to action and reading materials to help them deal with problems on their team. For example, an executive with a highly-stressed team might receive an article on how to create a more compassionate work environment.

“In a nutshell, Butterfly was created in order to help managers to be on point when it comes to their… team’s level of engagement and overall happiness,” says co-founder and CEO David Mendlewicz. “Think about an AI-driven happiness assistant or AI-driven leadership coach.”

Supportiv

Another AI-powered empathy tool is Supportiv, a peer counseling platform aiming to use natural language processing to take on daily mental health struggles such as work stress, anxiety, loneliness and conflicts with loved ones. Seconds after a user answers Supportiv’s primary question — “What’s your struggle?” — they’re sorted into an anonymous, topic-specific peer support group.

Each group has a trained live moderator (who is also equipped to refer specialized or emergency services as needed), and an AI algorithm scans conversations to detect mood, tone, engagement and interaction patterns. On the moderator’s side, prompts pop up — user X hasn’t contributed to the conversation in a while, or user Y shared a thought above that hasn’t been addressed. Co-founder Helena Plater-Zyberk’s vision for Supportiv’s next iteration: additional AI advances that could help identify isolated users in chats and alert moderators with suggestions on how to be more empathetic towards those individuals.

The aim, says Plater-Zyberk, is to create “superhuman moderators” — using compassion, empathy and hyper-alertness to facilitate a group chat better than any normally-equipped human.

IBM’s Project Debater

Finally, when it comes to the theory “I think, therefore I am,” IBM’s Project Debater fits the bill. Introduced by the tech giant in January, it’s billed as the first AI system that can debate complex ideas with humans. At its core, Debater is about rational thinking and empathy — considering opposing points of view and understanding an opponent enough to be able to address their argument piece-by-piece and ultimately win them over.

Dr. Aya Soffer, vice president of AI tech at IBM Research, envisions a variety of real-world applications for Debater — a policymaker who wants to understand the range of implications for a law they’re considering. For example, in the case of banning phones from schools (a law the French government passed in 2018), what are the precedents, the pros and cons, the arguments on both sides of the equation? A financial analyst or investment advisor might use Debater to make smart projections about what a new type of technology may or may not mean for the market.

We typically look for supporting arguments in order to convince ourselves, or someone else, of something. But Soffer says that taking counterarguments into account could be even more powerful, whether to change a mind or strengthen a pre-existing view. That kind of empathy and higher-level logical thinking is something IBM Debater aims to help with.

Pitfalls and privacy

As is the case with all new technology, this type has some concerning use cases.

First, there’s the potential for system bias in the data used to train the algorithm. For example, if it’s taught using cases of predominantly white men expressing empathy, that could yield a system that charts lower output for women and minorities. A call center representative with a medical condition might display less energy than the perceived norm but does their best to make up for it in other ways.

That’s why it’s a good idea for individuals to be provided this data before it’s shared with their supervisors, says Rosalind Picard, founder and director of the Affective Computing Research Group at the MIT Media Lab. She believes it’s a breach of ethics to share data on an employee’s interactions, such as levels of compassion, empathy and energy, with a manager first.

And then there’s the temptation for this type of technology to go beyond its intended use case — a helpful reminder to facilitate a genuine connection — and instead serve as a driver for insincere interactions fueled by fear. After all, similar tech tools are part of the foundation of social ratings systems (think Black Mirror‘s “Nosedive” episode). In 2020, China plans to debut publicly available social credit scores for every citizen. That score will help determine an individual’s eligibility for an apartment, which travel deals they’re offered, which schools they may enroll their children in and even whether they can see a hospital doctor without lining up to pay first.

Within the next five years, experts predict we’ll make great strides in “sentiment analysis” — a type of natural language processing that identifies human emotions by analyzing facial expressions and body language or text responses.

But for Noah Goodman, associate professor at Stanford University’s Computation and Cognition Lab, there’s a moral dilemma involved: What’s the right thing to do with the information these systems learn? Should they have goals — prompt us, adjust our environments or send us tools to make us feel happier, more compassionate, more empathetic? What should the technology do with data on our feelings towards someone else, our performance in any given interaction? And who should it make that information available to? “This is a place where the creepiness boundary is always close,” says Goodman.

Another problem? AI simply can’t replicate, or fully comprehend, human emotion. Take Cogito, for example. Let’s say you’re a customer service representative on the phone with customers all day, and you receive an alert that you’re sounding low-energy and tired instead of high-energy and alert. That doesn’t mean you’re actually feeling tired, says Picard, and that’s an important distinction to make.

“It doesn’t know how I feel,” says Picard. “It has no consciousness — it’s simply saying that to this system listening to your vocal quality, compared to your usual vocal quality and compared to other people on the phone at this company’s vocal quality, here is how you might sound, according to the data we’ve collected… It’s not to say you are that way.”

There’s a misunderstanding that we’re already at the point where AI effectively understands human feelings, rather than just being able to analyze data and recognize patterns related to them. The phrase “artificial intelligence” itself may propagate that misunderstanding, says Picard, so to avoid fueling public fear about the future of AI, she recommends calling it software instead.

“As soon as we call the software ‘AI,’ a lot of people think it’s doing more than it is,” she says. “When we say the machine ‘learns’ and that it’s ‘learned something’ what we mean is that we’ve trained a big chunk of mathematics to take a bunch of inputs and make a mathematical function that produces a set of outputs with them. It doesn’t ‘learn’ or ‘know’ or ‘feel’ or ‘think’ anything like any of us do. It’s not alive.”

Implications and regulations

Some experts believe there will come a day when technology will be able to understand and replicate “uniquely human” characteristics. The idea falls under the “computational theory of the mind” — that the brain is a dedicated tool for processing information, and even complex emotions like compassion and empathy can be charted as data. But even if that’s true, there’s a difference between experiencing emotion and understanding it — and in Goodman’s view, it’ll one day be entirely possible to build AI systems that have a good understanding of people’s emotions without actually experiencing emotions themselves.

There’s also the idea that throughout the course of history, fear has often accompanied the release of new technology. “We’re always afraid of something new coming out, specifically if it has a large technological component,” says Mendlewicz. “Exactly the same fear rose up when the first telegraph came… and when the telegraph was replaced by the phone, people were also expressing fear… about [it] making us less human — having to communicate to a machine.”

One of the most important questions to ask: How do we avoid this being used to alienate people or to create more distance between human beings?

One prime example is social media platforms, which were introduced to augment human connectivity but paradoxically ended up as tools of polarization. “What we’ve learned from that is that human connectivity and the humanity of technology should not be assumed; it needs to be cultivated,” says Rumman Chowdhury, who leads Accenture’s Responsible AI initiative. “Instead of figuring out how we fit around technology, we need to figure out how technology fits around us.”

That also means watching out for red flags, including the tech “solutionism” fallacy — the idea that technology can solve any and all of humanity’s problems. Although it can’t do that, technology can point out things we need to focus on in order to work towards more overarching solutions.

“We as human beings have to be willing to do the hard work,” says Chowdhury. “Empathy doesn’t just happen because an AI told you to be more empathetic … [Let’s say] I create an AI to read through your emails and tell you if you sound kind enough and, if not, fix your emails for you so that you sound kind. That doesn’t make your a nicer person; it doesn’t make you more empathetic… The creation of any of this AI that involves improving human beings needs to be designed very thoughtfully, so that human beings are doing the work.”

Some of that work involves building systems to regulate this type of AI before it’s widespread, and experts have already begun floating ideas.

For any AI tool, Chris Sciacca, communications manager for IBM Research, would like to see an “AI Fact Sheet” that functions like a nutrition label on a loaf of bread, including data such as who trained the algorithm, when and which data they used. It’s a way to look “under the hood” — or even inside the black box — of an AI tool, understand why it might have come to a certain conclusion and remember to take its results with a grain of salt. He says IBM is working on standardizing and promoting such a practice.

Picard suggests regulations akin to those for lie detection tests, such as the Federal Employee Polygraph Protection Act, passed in 1988. Under a similar law, it stands to reason that employers would be unable to require AI communication monitoring tools, with few exceptions — and that even in those cases, they couldn’t monitoring someone without informing them about the technology and their rights.

Spencer Gerrol, CEO of Spark Neuro — a neuroanalytics company that aims to measure emotion and attention for advertisers — says the potential implications for this kind of empathetic AI keep him up at night. Facebook may have created “amazing” tech, he says, but it also contributed to meddling in the U.S. elections. And when it comes to devices that can read emotions based on your brain activity, consequences could be even more dire, especially since much of emotion is subconscious. That means that one day, a device could feasibly be more “aware” of your emotions than you yourself are. “The ethics of that will become complex,” says Gerrol, especially once advertisers attempt to persuade individuals to take action by leveraging what’s known about their emotions.

As for the founder of Cogito himself? Feast believes that over the next five to 10 years, AI tools will split into two categories:

Virtual agents that complete tasks on our behalf.

Intelligent augmentation, or services built around reinforcing or extending our own human capabilities.

Feast envisions more of a meld between man and machine, tools that we’ll deem necessary to help us perform the way we want to in particular settings. These types of tools, he says, will “extend and reinforce our humanness.”

#Miscellaneous

0 notes

omegawizardposting · 7 years

Text

I took a shower, reflected a bit.

I feel I’m in a better mental state than I was a month or so ago, but I still have work to do. I want to try and cut any unnecessary cruelty out of my repertoire, but it’s harder than one might think, due to my mental illnesses.

No, this isn’t a, “Only neurotypicals can be nice lol,” post--but what a lot of folks don’t understand is that it can be harder for people with certain mental illnesses to step back and realize when they’ve gone too far or when a more delicate hand is needed. It’s not necessarily that being nice is hard. More, it’s that recognizing when kindness is called for can be difficult.

I struggle with a lot of things--self-loathing, self-doubt, wild swings between narcissism and the hatred of all that I am. Partially, my mother is to blame. I was raised by a narcissist, she was raised by a narcissist, and I’ve unconsciously taken on some of her traits, whether I like it or not. Most of it is just the way my mental illnesses interact, though, and that’s not very easily dealt with.

I’m quick to anger, I get frustrated easily, I have poor impulse control, and I’m very sensitive. That’s not a good combination, and it leads to me blowing my top more often than I’d like. Someone says something that upsets me, and I go on the offensive.

(That one, I’ll blame almost entirely on my mother. I grew up in a household where my feelings did not matter and I was expected to bow to my mother’s every whim. I am now terrified of being manipulated and abused by others, and I’m a lot more paranoid, volatile, and defensive as a result.)

I also have trouble with empathy. Generally, I consider myself a fairly empathetic person--but this only extends at all times to people I know and care for. I can still empathize with strangers, but it’s much more difficult, and I often find myself being cold toward them instead. There are also times when I am hyper-empathetic, toward just about everyone, and these swings between apathy and empathy take a major toll on me.

I’ve always tried to be very open and honest about my struggles with mental illness--and, indeed, most other facets of my life. I don’t feel any need to hide intimate information. For the first time in my life, I actually feel like I can share that information. I’ve been repressed and silenced since early childhood, so having a place where I can share (and perhaps overshare) is relieving.

That’s why I want to be open and honest now. I won’t get better overnight, and I will have bad days, but I am sincere about trying to better myself. It’s just going to be a long, bumpy road, and it’s going to wear me down before it builds me up.

#personal #ok to reblog

21 notes · View notes

acuitas · 5 years

Text

[ uuuuuh long post on lorin + rav regarding autism + adhd respectively below ]

LORIN.

easily gets overwhelmed / irritable when overstimulated / when experiencing sensory overload. the worst offenders are sharp, sudden noises that startle him and very bright lights. when overstimulated, he can react aggressively or be particularly snappy.

fuck. crowds.

he often needs to plan out everything he does to a rather meticulous degree, and dislikes going into things without a definite plan or general expectation for the outcome. being spontaneous absolutely sucks.

happiest at home / controlled environments.

uses control as a stress management technique; rules, discipline, rigid in certain habits, which will contradict his seeming unconventionality.

stress stims via tugging / lightly pulling at his hair and squeezing at the hems of the sleeves of whatever he’s wearing. other kinds of stimming include pacing and rubbing his fingers / wringing his hands.

when feeling positive moods, he stims by rolling fabric between his fingers. humming is both an anxiety aiding stim and a happy stim.

clothing must be soft. both the choker gifted to him by dia + ro’s hairpin are comfort items he will also stim with.

subconsciously mirrors speech patterns of people he likes / considers important. has lifted manners of speech from books as a child, spoke in an atypical way. thought of as gifted / shy as a child.

forget about giving him food that’s slimy in texture or has a lot of ridges. bad mouth feel.

he’s pretty okay with eye contact but it’s hard for him to maintain it for more than a minute or two. he’ll look away at something that isn’t the person he’s speaking to in order to regroup.

has trouble expressing his emotions, particularly the negative ones. words are very, very hard when he’s shutting down. cannot find the words to express himself when overwhelmed. he can recognize how he feels, though. it’s just expression he has a problem with.

moderate to major difficulty in social situations. it depends on if he’s hanging with someone he likes vs a stranger. he will script to hell and back with a stranger-- in fact, if he’s anticipating meeting a stranger, he will go over various internal scripts he believes will apply to the situation.

rigid greeting protocol. idiosyncratic phrasing.

anxiety and fear are predominant emotions. moody and prone to bouts of depression. acid reflux.

will only accept touch from people he likes. with that said, cuddling is a GODSEND and he loves pressure. the slightest caress sends the good good shivers down his spine.

hyperverbal. gets embarrassed about it on the regular. blunt. when stressed, will be semi-verbal and when completely shut down, nonverbal.

pumpkin bread is a major comfort + samefood.

special interests include baking, jewelry making, and music. also likes dissecting languages and cultural studies.

hope you like infodumps.

hyper-empathetic.

what he lacks in understanding some social cues and body language, he makes up for in pun and wordplay hell.

has difficulty with reading faces. may interpret someone’s resting face as angry, as an example.

auditory processing hellzone.

not great with accepting praise. this is related to trauma, ofc, but still needs mentioning.

difficulty with making decisions for himself, some executive dysfunction. again, also related to trauma but these things go hand in hand.

hates injustice and hates to be misunderstood.

perceived to be cold-natured and self-centred; unfriendly. on the flip side, is very outspoken at times, may get very fired up when talking about passions / special interests / obsessions.

only likes to go out with “safe” people, or won’t leave at all.

RAVIO.

executive dysfunction hellzone pairs nicely with a side of auditory processing fuckery.

look man let his natal chart speak for me for a hot second:

-11 Square Moon -

Uranus

He may at times suffer from an almost feverish, non-constructive restlessness. He is too susceptible. His life can be full of change or the emotions are often in a state of flux. Also, frequent changes of mind. He is irritable and stubborn at times due to an inner restlessness that is hard to satisfy. He can have difficulty concentrating on a job, although is capable of much if allowed to move from task to task to alleviate extreme boredom with routine. Nervous strain. His friendships may be like his professional and love life - sometimes unstable or erratic. There is a strong need for closeness, but when people get too close, he can get cagey, as he values personal freedom just as much."

has difficulty with memory recall. if you present him with something that can trigger a memory, that works! but otherwise... he’s lost. he’s great at talking about how he felt during something, though.

also stims! he uses his scarf more often than not. he’ll tug and pull at it if he’s stressed, and even wrap it around his face to feel the fabric against his skin. when feeling pretty okay, he’ll gather it up and flap the end of it about with one hand. also rocks on the balls of his feet. paces.

also only likes soft clothes.

this whole chart is really good at explaining how he tells stories: link here.

imposter syndrome out the ass.

hyper-empathy mother fucker!!!!! RSD ( rejection sensitive dysphoria ) is a fucking shithole.

his organization skills may look haphazard, but-- okay, who am I kidding. he can’t find jack shit ever and bless link for reminding him where he’s left his shit.

difficulties with voice regulation. difficulties with emotional regulation. what is tone? he doesn’t know.

the more he focuses on something he has to do, the more he wants to sleep. catch him staying up until 3am hyperfocusing on something he likes, though.

what the fuck is a sleep.

SOMEHOW good at math, so he’s got that going for him.

special interest also revolves around music! nice nice. will later adopt larping I have to be honest about this one

is really good about multi-tasking when stressed out. otherwise, it’s a wash.

incredibly intelligent, yet sometimes can be slow to comprehend due to sensory and cognitive processing issues.

will not do well with verbal instruction - needs to write down or draw diagram. he will forget.

--------

more to be possibly added later? hhgnnnm

#❛ ♛ ʜᴇᴀᴅᴄᴀɴᴏɴ. | ᴀɢᴀɪɴsᴛ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ʙᴇᴛᴛᴇʀ ᴊᴜᴅɢᴇᴍᴇɴᴛ ᴡʀɪᴛᴇs.#❛ ♛ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ. ⸢ ʟᴏʀɪɴ. ⸥ | ᴀ sᴛᴏʀʏ ɪɴ ᴍᴏᴜʀɴɪɴɢ.#❛ ♛ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ. ⸢ ʀᴀᴠɪᴏ. ⸥ | ᴀ ᴛʀᴜᴛʜ sᴘᴇᴀᴋᴇʀ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴀ ʜᴇᴀʀᴛ ᴏꜰ ɢᴏʟᴅ.#neither of these two are neurotypical!!!

0 notes

heartsofstrangers · 5 years

Photo

What has been one of the most challenging things that you have experienced or are currently experiencing?

“There’s two things. We can figure out which one later. I had just graduated college, so I had a lot of different interests like music. I have a degree in management information systems, so I need to decide where I am going with my life: music, career, do I want to work for a company or do I want to do my own business, my own thing? I think another challenge obviously would be the fact that I have Becker’s muscular dystrophy. I do not regret having it. I am not sad about it. I wouldn’t have it any other way, to be honest. What’s challenging about that is getting over myself. Sometimes I’ll go out and worry about little things, like are there stairs? Is there a railing? Stuff like that. So getting myself not out of my house. but out of my comfort zone is my favorite thing to do, but also the most challenging thing to do. So I’m battling whether people are going to look at me funny because I look funny. because I walk funny. Other days I think. ‘Who cares if I walk funny?’ because this is my place too. I belong here just as much as anyone else does. We all have our differences, mine just happens to be physical. A lot of people go around with ignorance in their mind. I feel like that is a much worse disease than what I have. Because one, you choose ignorance. You can get out of it. If we are talking about educational barriers, that’s one thing. But if we’re talking about blocking your mind off from connecting to other people, that is something you can choose, right? Also it’s the only disease you can get from watching television. Ignorance, right? You watch the news and they give you 0.05% of the story. Yeah, I’ll try to keep it more positive. By pointing out the negatives we can work to something. So the biggest challenge would be reminding myself that I belong here just as much as anyone else, even if I look weird, because I do need help and I’m not afraid to ask for it.”

What are some of the obstacles you face day to day?

“It’s funny, because the obstacles that I face are a pain in the ass. Inconvenient. They open up opportunities that other people wouldn’t find. For example, if I was to walk across the yard. I would have to consider every bump in the ground. Every little thing. Are there stairs? Wherever I go. Not just this yard. Is it open space? If I fall, am I going to be able to get back up? Because I need a railing to get up. So I walk slower, a little bit slower. I walk slower, so I get to see more, you know? I see more going on around me. I am on the street. I walk by people. They take up a lot more of my attention because I am walking by this person. Here’s my thought process. I notice the person and I think, ‘All right, what if I fall down here? They’re going to look at me, and maybe ask me if I’m okay. I might have to ask them for their help.’ So I’m like building a relationship with them before I ever meet them. I have to because I might need them. So you have to consider everything. I get confused when people walk by me and they don’t see me, because I see everyone, I see everything around me, because I may interact with it somehow. If I’m walking across the yard, I am interacting with every blade of grass. Each blade of grass could potentially knock me down. If I stumble over a little patch of dirt, I have to know that patch of dirt is there. I have to be aware of it. And I have to know its potential. These obstacles open up incredible opportunities. Some people think my walk is cool. So some guy will be like, ‘You got this gangster walk.’ I’m like, ‘What do you mean?’ He’s like, ‘You look cool when you walk. You got a strut.’ Am I’m like, ‘Well, I was born with a disease.’ So we became friends because of that. If I was just a regular guy walking down the street, he wouldn’t have said anything. He commented on the way I walk, and from there we became friends. It was great. It wouldn’t have happened unless I was walking like that. There are probably hundreds of things, hundreds of friendships that I have had that come from that. Or, you know, grabbing on to someone’s arm when I stumble over an obstacle, and because I need them, it can lead to a friendship. Not just being ashamed that I need to ask for help. It’s great. I get to interact with more people. Like I said, I might need them.”

What was it like for you, growing up with this condition?

“I love sports. I love baseball, bowling, soccer. I played every sport. I was very mediocre at every sport. But I loved them. I used to be a pretty good pitcher. So very accurate, not very powerful, but I knew what I was doing. So eventually I picked up bowling, and then eventually I was crazy about it. It’s all I did. I thought about bowling. I made lists of all my favorite bowlers, all my favorite bowling balls, all the bowling alleys I wanted to go to. Then I stopped for some reason. My brother started doing tournaments. I followed him and went out on tour with him. When I came back I went to high school. I wanted to be in a band. So I fell into that crowd. I could get into whether they were good or bad. I picked up music. When I went to go bowl again, I was too weak, because the MD is a progressive condition. I could no longer bowl. I thought, ‘All right, I guess all of that is done. So I’ll do music.’ Now I am finding that music is being challenged too. I used to play upright bass, so carrying the bass around and actually pushing the notes down gets more difficult over time. I am basically dealing with the fact that I can’t play as well as I could three years ago. But my musical understanding is a little stronger even though technically I can’t. The things I am passionate about are affected by it. I am trying to find ways to make that part of my style, part of my musical expression. Not being bitter. Not thinking, ‘Oh, I can’t play up right bass anymore, shit.’ Well, this opens up why can’t I look at it like another opportunity opening up. Stuff like that. Now I can focus on other instruments. Other things, like composition and teaching. You asked me how I deal with it day to day?”

That was one of the questions, but the other question was what was it like for you growing up?

“So having to quit sports sucked. I meant to go there, but I kept going.”

That’s all right.

“People noticed that I walked weird. I didn’t notice, because it’s me. And then I noticed people around me, in my class and shit, murmuring stuff like, “Oh my god, that’s the kid who walks weird.’ And they thought I was on drugs. I wasn’t on drugs. I didn’t even know I walked different. I knew I had trouble, like getting up stairs. I knew it was harder for me. And that was weird. I would always try to make it so that no one would see me walking up the stairs. I didn’t want to hold anyone up. I would work around things, and screw myself over, just because I didn’t want to mix in with the regular crowd as a result of the condition. I’m not sure whether the result was from the condition or just my own personality. I am thinking it was more of my personality, because I had other things going on. The disease started to take a noticeable hold in sixth grade. That’s when I really started to have to separate myself and ask for help. I had already been separated for behavior issues back in elementary school. I was wild, I was hyper. So I was already used to being separated. But now, as soon as I assimilated back into regular, mainstream classes, the effect of the condition started. Again, I was separated. First, I was always the short kid. That separated me. Then I was the ADHD hyperactive kid, who always got in fights with people. I was also friends with everyone. I would sings songs and teach them songs that I had made up. They might be inappropriate, but at least we were singing songs together, right? So that separated me, when they put me in Special Ed. And then once that was over, the condition, so now I’m separated again. Since then I have been trying not to separate myself anymore. Growing up, there was a lot of separation. I always felt not one of everybody. I always felt isolated. But not in a lonely way, just an unrelatable way, a ‘no one can relate to me, I can’t relate to anyone’ kind of way.”

What sort of impact did that have on you?

“I would start to blame all my mishaps on that. ‘Oh, she doesn’t like me because of this. Because she thinks she has to care for me.’ Yeah, there were women who were like, ‘I don’t know if I can be with you, because I need someone who is active. I need someone who is just as active as me. I need someone who can come out on hikes with me.’ I’d say, ‘Sure, that is perfectly understandable. You live an active lifestyle, you want someone who can go rock climbing, mountain hiking, and running with. And I can’t do that. Right?’ I’d get better with that. That led to a whole other thing in my life, which I can get into. Shit, what was the question?”

What sort of impact . . . ?

“Oh yeah, impact. So that was one. Bitterness. Maybe another is understanding empathy, I guess. And my empathy is kind of unique. It’s not unique, it’s just a little different. A little backwards from what people expect. So it led to this. Someone has a problem. They broadcast that they have a problem, and the empathetic people start to attract to them. They don’t patronize them, or they don’t feel bad for them. They don’t pity them. They are there for them. They will either extend their hand to help them, or say, ‘I’m there for you if you need me.’ The kind of empath that I am, will broadcast that they have a problem, and I’ll be like, ‘Why is that a problem?’, and they answer, ‘Because of this, this, and this.’ It depends on the problem. I’ll be like, ‘Well, is that a problem or an opportunity?’ (It ties into what I said about opportunities.) ‘This could be an opportunity for you to learn something here. Financial, or a love lesson.’ I don’t try to take them out of it. I don’t try to ease that for them. I actually make the conditions more apparent. I’ll still encourage them that they can do it, but I’m not gonna try to smooth over the conditions. I’m setting them up to learn a lesson. It might not be my right or my job to do that. But I feel like the best way to learn a lesson is to learn it yourself, to get through it yourself. And I’ll be there if they really do need help. I have explained it better in the past, but as we go maybe I can get into it. That’s the second thing. My interesting style of empathy. Another thing is just understanding acceptance of unconditional love. That’s the third category of things. That’s the impact. Bitterness. There’s still some understanding in unconditional love. And then a very interesting style of empathy.’

When you were describing what sort of empath you are, what I’m hearing is that you are willing to be with that person in their situation without feeling like you need to remedy it for them.

“Right, but also try to get them not to get anyone else to remedy it for them. Or find a way to remedy it that will teach them something.”

What I’m also sensing from hearing that is that perhaps your own experience with maybe having to figure things out for yourself and see your own challenges as opportunities has given you awareness that sometimes the challenges we face in life are actually gifts and opportunities to learn and grow. So that’s something you bring to the table when you are meeting someone with empathy. That’s unlike what a lot of us do. I think our initial reaction is to be the problem solver: “Oh this is easy. All you need to do is this and this and this. Then you’ll feel better, and you’ll be in a new space.”

“Right, but sometimes they are consumed by thoughts like, ‘Oh, it’s not that easy. How can it be that easy?’ They are consumed in the emotions of the problem. And it’s not so easy to say, ‘It’s easy, do this, this, and this.’ There’s an emotional barrier that’s not letting them get to that first step. It’s hard to explain.”

I think you did a good job explaining it. Empathy to me is really about meeting a person where they are, which is something that makes a lot of people feel uncomfortable. No one really wants to be uncomfortable or be in a space where someone is suffering.

“Unless we had a specific problem to talk about, it would be hard to really tell you how to handle a situation.”

The other piece you mentioned was unconditional love. Can you expand on that?

“Oh yeah, that’s really important. I’ll tell what part of this to use and what not to use, if you don’t mind. I consented and I got to check with the people involved. And we could rework it, but I’ll just say it. So me and my girlfriend were thinking about—well, I was thinking about—opening up the relationship. Obviously, that’s a problem for her. She wants me to be the only one, and monogamy is ingrained into our culture. We don’t believe it because we are told it, we just feel like we need the one person in our life. The one person, almost like they belong to us. Whatever. What I’ve noticed is that people take interest in somebody, and then they work up to ‘do you like me or not?’ They are already assuming that the optimal relationship they can have is an intimate sexual relationship, not considering friendship, or business partner, or blah blah blah. All the different types of love. There’s friendly love, like with me and my friends. Where we hug, but we don’t want to hold each other. We like to embrace, but we don’t feel like we need to hold each other, and there’s no sexual stuff there. The platonic friendship. Then there’s the family friendship. Yeah, you would hold them and you would hug them, but it’s completely non-sexual then. But it’s a different thing. Then there’s romantic love, where it’s sexual, and it’s like friendship and it incorporates all of those. There’s also something in there that causes friction between you. And that’s a type of love. Then there’s the playful type of love, where you tease each other and flirt, but it’s still platonic. So there are different types of love. People think the optimum love is the intimate love, because it involves penetration. It’s uncomfortable for people to talk about sometimes. I don’t assume that that’s the optimal relationship. It might be the most intimate, but it’s not optimum. If a girl doesn’t like me or anyone doesn’t like me, I go with who I’m attracted to. I don’t care if they are a guy, girl, or whatever. So if I’m attracted to someone, I love them. I mean, I love everyone, but here’s a person I love that I want to give my attention to. But they don’t like me back. So what do I do? Do I stop loving them? No! No way! Why would I? Just cause they don’t love me, that’s a condition. I will love you on the condition that you love me. That’s not unconditional, that’s a condition. With my girlfriend I’m like, ‘So you love me, right?”’ And she’s like, ‘Yeah.’ So I say, ‘Would you not love me if I loved someone else too? Do you think I don’t have the capacity to love more than one person?’ I want to be as intimate as I can with everybody. Even if that’s just a friendship thing. Not sexual. Sometimes the most intimate I can be with someone is sexual. Sometimes the most intimate I can be with someone is like a ‘hey.’ But at least we have gotten to that point. That most intimate point. So you’re at the most optimum friendship level. You know what I mean? What are the conditions you might not love someone? They don’t love you, they don’t have the same religion, they don’t speak your language, so you can’t relate with them. They hate you, maybe. They are ignorant. Stuff like that. Do you not love someone because they have those conditions? It doesn’t make sense, because how do you get love started that way? Unconditional love is like: you don’t have to love them, like, if they betray your trust then you don’t have to talk to them. But you could still love them, right? What is love? Love is, as you said, we are getting into authenticity, is letting them be authentic without punishing them. So, I have a friend who my friends think talks too much. Sometimes these friends might not want to hang out with this person. That’s like punishing them for being them self. That’s part of who he is, that’s everything he is. So if part of his being authentic is talking a lot, you need to let him be that. You need to love him and allow him to be authentic, and not make him cover up things about himself. Like when you introduce your friends, you can’t be like, ‘Oh, I love this guy. He’s great, but . . .’ No, you can’t pick and choose the pieces of someone that you want other people to know. You can’t just pick and choose the good things and love that, and then forget about the rest and apologize for it. That’s not cool. Loving someone is letting them be authentic. It doesn’t mean you can’t call them out on their stuff. You have to allow them to be authentic without punishing them. I think that’s love. If you don’t love someone, then you are gonna try to change them. You are going to try to figure out a reason why you can’t love them, when you already should, no matter what. It’s like, ‘Do you love me?’ If someone ever asks you, ‘Do you love me? I love you, do you love me?’ It’s like, ‘Umm, more than anyone else? I don’t know.’”

How does unconditional love, or love even in general apply to oneself? Would those same characteristics be true for oneself? Is loving yourself unconditionally also allowing yourself to be who you are without punishment?

“Yeah, but you have to forgive people, and you have to forgive yourself. If you love yourself, then it’s weird. Right? Because you need to call yourself out on certain shit. So when you are objective with yourself. ‘Oh no, I can’t believe I said that, that was really ignorant.’ People are going to say, ‘Oh, you are self-deprecating.’ But I don’t think so. I think self-deprecation is how you criticize yourself, not just the fact that you criticize yourself. So loving yourself, you have to be able to call yourself out. You have to be objective. And you have to forgive yourself at the same time. Because if you don’t, then you are going to condemn yourself and you aren’t going to learn anything. You need to give yourself the chance to learn. You need to let yourself work out your problems by yourself. So that carries over to the empathy thing. Loving other people is allowing them to do those things too. You need to call them out on their shit, so you don’t watch them burn themselves. You need to forgive without ignoring their shit.”

I want to get back to growing up, if you don’t mind. When you were talking about some of the whispers and stuff from your peers and your classmates, obviously that has an impact on how you see yourself and how you operate. Were there times you were bullied or singled out because of your challenges?

“Honestly. I was a bully.”

Really?

“To alleviate the pain of being different I would find someone different and bully them. I would make them feel more inferior than I felt. More inferior than I felt inferior. If I could make them feel more inferior than I was, then I was one of the regulars. I also did it to make people laugh, so I would get friends. I wasn’t picked for the basketball team because I was slow. It was stuff that had nothing to do with my personality. I think I wasn’t the nicest kid. That’s how I dealt with it then. I think meeting people helped me get away from bullying. I could never bully someone now. I don’t know how I did it back then. It was weird. I’m not going to sit here and act like I was an angel. I was really shitty to some people in high school and middle school. That’s how I dealt with the whispers and being singled out. I wasn’t really singled out. No one cared. They just said it when I was being an asshole. They’d be like, ‘Oh yeah, he’s the kid who walks weird.’ I noticed that people only said shit about me when I was being an asshole. But that kind of woke me up. That’s how I dealt with it.”

Did you ever find yourself at points in your life where you were so frustrated or so doubtful, without hope or without faith, that you were maybe in the throes of depression or suicidal, or turning to other ways to escape?

“I mean I’m still dealing with it. What habit did I develop because of this? How did I cope? And how did I? I can’t really say I was ever suicidal. I feel like the depression, I feel like it was all natural, and I needed to go through it all. It’s hard, right? I was depressed last winter. I had to go through that, and I wasn’t depressed because if I had depression then I would need more help than I needed. I got out of it by myself. Just by being in it, just by doing it. That’s a tough question. Maybe we can come back to that one?”

How have you coped with when things are difficult? Or when you feel maybe frustrated or you’re hitting a wall. How do you push through that?

“Coping is different than pushing through. Coping is, ‘Okay, well, here it is. I got to deal with it.’ Pushing through is, ‘Why do I have to deal with this?’ When you say cope, it’s kind of a word I don’t really follow. But as far as pushing through, I can relate to that.”

You mentioned last winter feeling depressed, but not necessarily in a depression. How did you move your way through that?

“I reached out to all my friends. I talked to as many people as I could. I went out as much as I could. Just by talking to my friends, who really care about me and I’m grateful for. It helped me understand where I was wrong, and where I was lying to myself. Where I was being negative. My friends are very objective, they’ll tell me. I have great friends. And going out got my mind off things. It let me form new relationships. It depends on where the depression comes from. Is it from a relationship thing? Then I reach out to all my friends I want to be around everybody. Just get my mind off of it. And then all a sudden it’s gone. You meet new friends, you do new things. And then you realize that if you hadn’t been depressed, you wouldn’t have gotten to here. I wouldn’t have this project happening because the reason I went out is that I was depressed and it led me here. And the reason that I am in this project now is because I met this person here. For example, I went out one night just because I was depressed. I was like, ‘I gotta get out of the house.’ So I met people there, and then that turned into a new project. So once that happens, I look for those moments where it’s like, ‘Here’s something that happened today. It wouldn’t have been able to happen if I wasn’t going through this shit.’ And then it’s done. The depression is gone. Obviously there are chemicals, you know; it doesn’t just go away. Your brain has to go back to normal. Patterns of thinking are like avenues that get worn down, and they need to get repaved. Little tangent, but it helped me get over it. If you can appreciate the things that happen during those tough times, then you can look for those avenues of appreciation. Then how can you have regret at that point? Everything that is happening now is a result of what happened in the past. You can’t have any regret. That’s how I pushed through. You know there’s always going to be something there that is an opportunity, as a result of a thing that happened previously. Anytime I’m scared about something, I know that if I don’t do it, things are just going to be the same. And I don’t like that. So I just need to go do it, and I know that even if it’s horrible, even if the experience is awful and just agonizing, at the end or during, something is going to happen. Or I’m going to find someone or meet someone who is going to bring me to a better place or a unique opportunity. You start to actually hope for uncomfortable situations. Not really, but you start to get interested. More like thrill seeking. It’s like when people say, ‘Oh, she’s crazy,’ or ‘Oh, it’s going to be awkward.’ I think, ‘Hmm, let me see, let me see just how awkward it will be. Let’s see what will come of this. You say it’s gonna be a bad time. Well, it’s a time. Let’s just go see.’”

So it sounds like your perspective can really change the experience.

”Yeah, and it turns me into a person, in real situations, really bad situations. I am very positive and jubilant. When it’s like raining, and people are saying, ‘Oh, my day is ruined,’ and blah blah blah, I just think, ‘Okay, now we all have to stay indoors. Now we are closer together, now we have to talk to each other.’ So why do you have to see it as no more outside? Why can’t you see it as more interaction? You know what I mean? Everything good had to have something bad before it. Everything bad probably had something good before it. You have to be in the moment, you can’t regret the past, you can’t hope for the future. You have to be in the now. If you are in the now, and you make this now the best now, it has to lead to the best future. If you are living in the future, you are going to compromise the now because you’re not living in it. You are living in the future, so you’re going to have a crappy now, and it’s going to lead to a crappy future. And if you’re regretting the past, then you are not living in the now, and you are compromising your now again by regretting the past. It’s all about living in the now for me. And making this now the best now that you can have. Trusting now, and loving now, because it’s the only now you are going to get. And doing that leads to a great future. I believe it.”

What are some ways that you can bring yourself to the present moment when you find yourself sort of getting off track, mulling over the past or worrying about the future? What are some ways that really ground you in the present moment?

“Honestly, breathing. If I feel my mind going off into the past, or worrying about the future, I start breathing and being very aware of my breath. You can call it meditation. I just start breathing, and I start saying, ‘All I really need to do is breathe. All I really need to do is keep breathing. That’s all I need.’ Then things start popping into your head. Thoughts come in. You have to deal with them. ‘What about this, what about that? What about this?’ And then you say, ‘Is that going to help me breathe? No.” And then food pops ups into your head. And you’re like, ‘Is that going to help me breathe?’ Then you’re like, ‘Yeah, actually it will. Food, mmm, what are my favorite foods?’ Then you start to feel good. So then you let in the things that are good. Just by focusing on your breathing and knowing that all you really need to do is breathe. Then you are completely in the now. That’s how I do it. That’s the best way. You do have to sit there and be quiet. If you try to fight it off, it’s not going to work. You need to ground yourself with breathing. Just say, ‘Go away, go away, no, no, no.’ It’s not going to help. You need to show yourself that you know what you need in life, before you start deciding what you don’t need. Just narrow it down to what it will take to help you breathe. Water, food. Friendships are cool too. That’s how I bring myself back. I just breathe.”

What are some of the valuable tools or gifts you have gained from some of the experiences you have been through in your life. You mentioned empathy being one of them. Love. What are some of the intrinsic treasures that have come out of these experiences? Have you learned anything about yourself or others?

”I learned that certain people will never understand. But that’s only because they choose not to understand. As soon as you tell yourself I want to understand, then you can understand. But if you tell yourself, ‘I can’t understand,’ then you aren’t going to. So I’ve basically been able to adopt the mindset that I can understand. I never say that I can’t understand. Who are you to say that you can’t understand? Everyone can understand everything the best they can. So that’s one treasure that I have had. Then that just allows you to talk to people. Not talk to people, listen to people. Dialogue is the best thing. It has allowed me to listen. There are people who love to talk. I love to listen. I just want to hear their stories. It has allowed me to approach people and ask them what they are doing. Getting into a conversation, and then little by little, getting to know them. And if I went in saying, ‘I don’t know this person, I won’t be able to understand who they are,’ I would have never been able to have that conversation, and possibly build a friendship. There’s a person I have never met before; he seems like he’s in a different world than me, but we are still human. Still on this planet. And we belong here. I can understand, I can go and talk, I can build a friendship with that person. I don’t care how old they are, what they look like, what they are going through, if they are an asshole, if they are mean, if they are a racist, whatever. You can still be friends with everybody. You don’t have to condemn people, and perpetuate hate, just because they have hate. Why not love them? Then maybe some of that hate will go away. You can’t fight hate with hate. You can’t fight fear with fear. Fear wants fear, and hate wants hate. So if you try to fight, it’s not going to work. So I’ve built a weapon, and that weapon is love, it’s not hate or fear.”

That’s beautiful!

What advice might you offer to either yourself as a young man who could have used some guidance, or someone else who can relate to an aspect or all aspects of what you have shared so far?

“I work at a public pool. There are kids there who are a little overweight, and they are afraid to take their shirts off at the pool. I used to be like that, because I suffered with acne on my back. I would be afraid to take off my shirt. Looking back, I see that really messed me up. I really put myself into awkward situations. I would be afraid to go into the pool and take my shirt off and have fun with my friends, because I thought they would care about my back. I have come to find that no one cares about you as much as you think they do. And that sounds a little dark, but it’s not, because they are worrying about themselves. Half the time people don’t care about how you look; they are like, ‘How do I look?’ They are worrying about how they look. So that is one thing. No one cares that you are overweight. What they are actually doing is making it more apparent. But you can’t blame them for that. They are trying to cope. So I tell them, ‘Take your shirt off. Why are you in the pool with your shirt?’ and they’ll be like, ‘I’m fat,’ and I’ll be like, ‘No one cares.’ But that’s all I’ll do. I won’t make them feel bad for leaving it on, because they are coping, right? I want them to know that they have just as much of a place and a right to be themselves as anybody else. You don’t need to apologize for your body type. You don’t need to apologize for your religion, your orientation, anything. You don’t have to apologize for that. Just appreciate the space you are taking up. Because you do take up space and you do affect people. You need to realize that. You can’t just go through life forgetting that you have an effect. Everything I do has an effect on someone else. You need to realize that, but at the same time you need to realize that you belong here just as much as anybody else. So to have to cover up something about yourself that you decided is disgusting or not cool by society’s standards, you are actually inhibiting yourself even more. My advice to people younger than me or people who are afraid to be themselves: be authentic. If you want to find true love, it is everywhere, and it could last five seconds, it could last a minute, it could last an hour, it could last a week. To get unconditional love you need to be authentic, you need to be yourself and not cover up anything about yourself, because now you are not loved unconditionally. You are only loved on the condition that they don’t find out something about you. Just be yourself. I mean, yeah, it’s cheesy. Don’t apologize for it. And I have to remind myself every day. Don’t apologize for what you are going through or who you are. I didn’t choose it. So why apologize for it?”

Do you have a favorite quote, maybe a mantra, a song lyric or a piece of advice that someone has given to you that resonates with you and that you’d like to share?

“The first thing that comes to mind is what my friend Cici or Shaga said to me once. He said, ‘Everything is where you leave it, everything is exactly where you leave it.’ So if you are dealing with a problem and you just escape it and don’t deal with it, when you come back to it it’s going to be just where you left it. You didn’t solve it; it’s still there. You have to take care of it when it happens. And forgiveness is part of it too. I like to think that everyone is forgiven already. I was hanging out with a friend and she apologized for going on a tangent. And I said, ‘Listen, I reached out to you to hang out, why are you apologizing? I’m the one who came to you because I wanted to get to know you. Why would you apologize for doing that? I choose this time with you.’ I guess I went off topic. Everything is right where you leave it. If you leave a friend high and dry, when you come back they are going to be the friend who you left high and dry. If you push trauma under the rug and try to push it down, when it resurfaces it’s going to be just as intense as it was before—except now it’s harder to deal with, because there’s more shit piled on top of it. Just take care of things when they happen. It’s part of living in the now. Not apologizing for unfortunate events. I think they are good for you. Obviously, some things like abuse are not things you can be happy about. I don’t blame anyone for regretting that.”

You could still lead them to a beautiful place, regardless.

“You could still take a little bit from that. I think that that is the gist.”

How does it feel to talk about these feelings, thoughts, and experiences?

“How does it feel? It’s meditative. I have been talking about them a lot lately. It feels good, I guess. I don’t know. I don’t really have any feelings. I don’t really feel much. I feel like I’m affecting you though. I feel like you are really feeling what I’m putting down. So that feels good. If you had no reaction now, then I would be wondering what I am saying. I think it’s coming from the effect it’s having on the people around me. I start to feel loved. I start to feel trusted. I feel like talking about this is allowing me to be authentic. And also reminding me of all these things I need to remind myself of. Even though it’s my own advice doesn’t mean I follow it all the time.”

Do you think it’s possible that someone reading this or listening to this could benefit from hearing your thoughts and experiences?

“I think so. I feel like anyone dealing with their sexuality or their body or their relationships can really take away that the most important thing you can do for yourself is to be authentic completely. Not apologize for it. Be objective, and unconditionally love everybody. For relationships, you need to love them even if they don’t want to be with you. You still need to love them. If they want to go off to a different state, and you are left behind, is that going to make you happy? Yes, I love you, so I love that, and I’m going to support that. For people dealing with their sexuality and gender and stuff like that: don’t apologize for what you are feeling or who you think you are. For people dealing with their body issues: no one really cares as much as you think they do. The media has you thinking that you have to have this certain look. That’s not true. Just cherish friendships, I guess. I am someone who deals with body image issues. Like I’m smaller than everybody, clearly everywhere I go I have trouble fitting in. I feel like a little kid, even though I’m 25. I feel like because I look like I’m the size of a kid, people are going to treat me like a kid or talk to me like a kid. I have noticed that when I go into it with the assumption that everyone is going to treat me like a kid, I actually start acting like a kid, and then they actually do start talking to me like I’m a kid. But if I go in and I’m not apologizing for being who I am, it brings out the best in me. Here’s my message: Don’t just befriend and chase after people who make you feel good. Don’t spend your time with people who just make you feel good. You could do some really crappy things when you feel good. Spend your time with people who bring out the best in you. That’s the most important thing. You need people who, even if they don’t make you feel good, they call you out on your stuff and make you uncomfortable. Those are the people who bring out the best in you. To be the best version of yourself, you have to see where you are going wrong. And the only way to do that is sometimes with help. So spend time with people who bring out the best in you. Even if you aren’t attracted to them or you don’t feel like you relate to them. If they bring out the best in you, you should really appreciate them. Put yourself in a place where you can be the best version of yourself. Part of that is being in the now, and part of that is being objective.”

#recovery #resilience #vulnerability #strength #courage #mentalhealth #heartsofstrangers

0 notes