#I can’t even focus on basic tasks now it’s so bad can’t even make myself food can’t take care of daily things that aren’t necessary
Text
I think what I’m getting beyond annoyed at is I’ve been telling everyone that my brain has been having a harder time than normal, especially within the last three to four years with specific things but people didn’t really believe me on it. I’ve just been called lazy, unmotivated, someone who wants to stagnate when I’m literally fighting against that internally. The fights so hard that I’ve just been exhausted all the time, I started to notice a sharp decline in what I could get done what I found think of. I only started to do things that kept my mind busy, not that I enjoyed. I enjoyed the company that I had more while doing it, but I didn’t work to making that permanent and a reality. My brain just fought me on getting started so much because I was convinced I didn’t belong, I’m still partially prone to thinking I don’t belong anywhere and that I don’t have anything to offer except disappointment. It’s such a vicious fucking cycle and I just want help from a specific person but I know that is not possible too. So I just keep on telling everyone else to help and try to understand who is in my life but there’s a limit to what they can truly see me as — in terms of how I struggle and there’s also a limit to the things I can put them through with what I’m dealing with too. I don’t want to be burdening them but the nature of this disease in my brain does just that. I crave external responsibility but fight against it out of stubbornness. There is so much wrong with me that I just want to yell, I didn’t choose to be like this and noticing my symptoms more and more now is just so frustrating. I’m so sorry I put you through all this and I put you through what I’m going through,
I genuinely just wanted to keep things so simple and love you and make you happy but I feel like I make that/made that impossible too because of how I am.
#shut up pls dex#the adhd experience#I just want to stop struggling#I can’t keep going like this but nothing is fully working for my adhd#I am only fighting the intrusive and random thoughts but I need to change meds again and that might not work#I hate how my brain is feeling too it just hurts. it feels like a slab of meat that’s utterly useless sometimes#I can’t even focus on basic tasks now it’s so bad can’t even make myself food can’t take care of daily things that aren’t necessary#and I mean necessary for survival#I see piles of things to do and I just say later then later gets here and I’m fucking sad because I’ve just fucked up and done nothing#it’s just so hard
3 notes
·
View notes
Note
okay so this might be far reach for a request but i’m dying here,
could you write something along the lines of ghostxreader where ghost and reader are constantly disagreeing, bickering with eachother and can’t get along but something happens where feelings are shown and they see eye to eye with eachother. maybe some jealousy from ghost or they share past trauma stories. okay love your writing bye bye <3
omg red alert, first request! and thank you, babe!
Eye to Eye [Ghost x Reader]
word count: 1.5k
pairing: ghost x reader
warnings: arguing, reader trauma dumps, angst
summary: ghost and you are constantly disagreeing, bickering with each other, and can’t get along but something happens where feelings are shown and they see eye to eye with each other.
Disclaimer: this is not a continuation of Negative Ghost(rider) but you guys like it so much i just might do a part two ;)
AN: italics are past, normal is present. thanks for the love on Negative Ghost(rider). enjoy loves <3
You and Ghost loved each other. You both knew it and so did everyone, they knew it to the point it made them sick.
That’s why it surprised everyone on base when you two began arguing to an unmeasurable degree. From small arguments in the hallway to the bigger fights in your shared room together, your voices could be heard anywhere on base.
You and Ghost had met when you were just a private. You had caught his eye the moment you and the rest of your class filed into formation, but you were just as bad, looking at him while you were supposed to be looking forward. Both of the people you knew teased you about it. You both made subtle hints you each other, whether it was just looks, slight touching of your waist to fix your posture even a light touch of your hands when passing one another in the corridors. He starts getting bolder by slipping notes, giving encouragement when it got closer to being tested:
"Kick ass today private” “Knock their dicks in the dirt” “Focus on the task and you be fine”
Signed with a single letter…
~B
While everyone thought you would be the first to pounce, it wasn't, It was Ghost. Ghost didn’t make his move until five months after the meeting. Soup, Alejandro, and Himself caught you out with others in your squad, celebrating passing your final basic training tests, downing alcohol like it was water. The only thing you could remember from that night was the feeling of Ghost’s lips on your own after took you back to his own barrick. You loved the man even though you only knew two features: his eyes and his lips.
Now Ghost was first lieutenant and you a sergeant, you both were constantly busy and really only getting to see one another when walking down the corridors. It broke your heart but it ripped him apart. All he wanted was to hold you after a long day but by the time he was getting back, you were leaving.
“Why can’t you just understand that I dont choose to leave the moment you walk through that fucking door?” Your voice echoed through the room. You could feel your knuckles turning white with how tight they were clenched. “You dont think I understand that?! You think I dont know that better than anyone else on this fucking base?”Ghosts voice boomed against the walls. You both knew that the rest of the barrick could hear you, but you didn’t have the room in your heart to care.
“I rip myself apart…every fucking day I open that fucking door and see you standing there. Simon, it fucking kills me” You said, your voice cracking. You watched his eyes shut, and he held them there for a long time. “You dont think, I sob after the end of every day because I know the moment I get back, I know you’ll be gone?!”You said, driving your finger deeper into your chest with every word.
“Y/N…” He started but you quickly cut him off. “No, Simon you listen to me. You left for missions, ALL the time when we first got together. You dont think I felt the way you feel now? I didn’t know...”You choked out sitting down on his bed, letting your tears flood out of your eyes. “I didn’t know if you would ever come back.”
You watched his posture tense slightly. You bit your lips to keep yourself from violently sobbing. It was true. As much as you believed that he could do anything, one mission sent you into a dark state of mind. Wondering if your love would ever come back alive. And then seeing the state he came back in…it was enough to make you go mad.
You watched as an armored truck swerved into the base. No doubt in your mind it was Ghost and his squad. You ran up eagerly to the truck, excited to welcome your boys home but stopped dead in your tracks when you saw a man being rushed out of the truck: Ghost. His mask exposed the right side of his face; blood was all over him.
“Simon! Fuck, oh my god, John! John! Oh my god! What happened?! Is h-he…”You yelled, latching onto one of your and Simon's close friends; John Mactavish, callsign: Soap.
“He tripped a land mine with the UTV, shot him straight out of the goddamn car.”He said, holding you up as the tears flooded out of your eyes. “Y/N, Y/N Look at me! He is alive, they're taking him to the medical wing to patch him up. He's gonna be okay, I promise, okay?”He yell-said, holding your head to look at him. You nodded, too worked up to speak with a sob coming out.
“Here, he said to give you this,” He said, dropping something into your hands and taking off after his commanding officer. You looked down at your hands and felt your legs buckle again when you saw what it was…
His dog tags.
“The moment those fucking tags hit my hand, I thought that was fucking it; I was gonna lose you.”You said, letting your sobs just completely take over. You watched as he walked over to the bed, and stopped dead in his tracks at your next words. “Simon, I thought I was gonna lose one of the only fucking goddamn people I love in this world. you….”You bit your lips to keep yourself from screaming. “You just shrugged it off like it was fucking nothing two weeks later.”. You let your head fall into your hands, feeling your temples pulsate against the tip of your fingers.
“Y/N, look at me. Cariño, please look at me” He said, falling to his knees, taking your face in his gloved hand, and wiping your tears away. “Please…Please dont cry, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”He said, brushing a piece of hair away from your eyes. He could see how much he hurt you with his incessant complaining about you not being around enough or even showing the little-ish piece of affection. He knew he had broken you down into a vulnerable point to where you wouldn’t even look at him.
You looked up at him to see him pulling off his mask, his own tears beginning to race down his own cheeks. His eyeliner smeared underneath his eyes as he wiped tears away. You felt a smile tug at the corner of your lips, finally seeing all of his beautiful features all at once;
His hair was a beautiful shade of dirty blond. His jaw was chiseled and covered with stubble. His lips were plump and a shade of red, probably from him chewing on them in his nervousness. His eyes were the most beautiful shade of brown, a warm shade.
He was beautiful.
“Simon..”You breathed out, reaching your hand toward his jaw. His hand overlapped yours as you cupped his face, brushing your thumb over his cheek. “You are my muse, Y/N. I’m sorry for hurting you.”He said, planting a kiss at the base of your wrist. “If I hurt you in any way, I just..”You started but paused when Simon’s index finger ghosted over your lips. “We’re not worrying about me. I'm fine” He said, tracing the top of your lip.
You grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled him up and into you, wrapping your arms around the back of his neck. “I'm sorry..”You whispered, resting your head on his shoulder. “Dont be, you had a right to be angry, I didn't. I'm the one who is sorry. I should've said it a long time ago.”He said, pulling away from you slightly to look you in the eye. He watched as a tear rolled down your cheek again, kissing it away.
He didn't want to push the boundary farther than it had already gone. He start by your cheek, then moved to your eyelids; banishing the tears that dared to fall, then to your nose, and once he was sure you were comfortable, he moved to his final destination…
Your lips.
He planted his against yours softly, and you returned the favor pulling him closer to you, wanting to close the distance between you both. He was insanely gentle when kissing you, planting one of his hands on your waist and the other beside your head as he laid you down gently on the bed. You could feel your body warm up the moment his hand met your waist.
Almost a year later and he still gave you butterflies. You pulled away from him and held his head in your hands. “Let's never argue like this again, yeah?”You said, rubbing the side of your head with your thumb. “Yeah,” He agreed, brushing the hair out of your face and giving you a smile.
“I love you mi Vida..”You whispered into his ear, pressing your lips to his forehead. “And I love you mi Cielito” He returned back, pressing his lips to yours.
#simon ghost riley x you#simon ghost riley#simon riley x reader#simon ghost riley x reader#simon riley#mwii#mw2#in orbit#ghost x you#ghost x reader#call of duty modern warfare#call of duty modern warfare 2#call of duty#cod mw2#ghost mw2#cod ghosts#simon ghost riley imagine#simon riley imagine#cod imagine#cod mwii#simon riley fanfic#simon ghost rileey angst#eye to eye#explorepage
2K notes
·
View notes
Text
I was reading study tips and came across one that made me mad.
It says “we all procrastinate our school work by saying we’re tired and not motivated. And look at how much time we waste when we could be productive and study. So erase those excuses and take out all your distractions and start studying!”
I’m gonna preface this rant with: this doesn’t apply to everyone, some people procrastinate their work because they just don’t want to do it, and I’m guilty of having done that, I’ll admit it, and some people need to push themselves harder about doing their work, for some people this may be helpful advice, but it’s not for me and it pisses me off, so with that out of the way I’m gonna rant (under the cut cause this got much longer than intended)
It pisses me off so bad because of all the years spent being told that I’m just lazy and I need to stop making excuses and try harder, when I’m reality I was trying so fucking hard but for some god damn reason I just fucking couldn’t. I couldn’t just white knuckle my way through it, no matter how hard I tried, it didn’t fucking work, and I was left more exhausted and stressed out then I was before. I’ve since learned that trying to force myself to work when it clearly isn’t working for whatever reason was doing way more harm than good, so was framing it as laziness and failure in my mind. The best way for me when I’m exhausted/burnout/depressed/dealing with executive dysfunction is sometimes to just stop. It doesn’t matter that I really need to get this done, or that I’m behind, or anything else, I need to take a break, and eat something/drink something/shower/sleep whatever has to happen for me to reset. Doesn’t matter what it is, but something besides “grit your teeth and deal with it” needs to happen. It has been instrumental in dealing with stuff, especially school. Doing this has helped to both stave off the burnout so that I’m dealing with a lighter version, and it takes longer to set in, it also makes it easier to deal with when the burnout hits, it’s also a good policy for depressive episodes. I’ve also noticed that letting myself take breaks and rests has allowed me to get more work done, knowing that I can rest if I need to is incredibly helpful
Now, the work has to get done eventually, so here’s my advice if you’ve made it this long, I applaud you you’re a wonderful being
So the original post was trying to give you tips on not procrastinating, so here’s some that actually kind of work for me.
1. Do work ahead of time, when you have the extra spoons and time to dedicate to school and studying, do it, even if you’re all caught up on homework and notes, work ahead, you’ll be thanking spoonful you when that bad episode hits and you aren’t falling as far behind
2. Because sometimes episodes last a long time and you are still required function in society, try making a time limit. I saw a great post once about it, but basically set a limit for 50 minutes of work (or however long you can reasonably expect yourself to work and focus) and then take a ten minute rest, then set a timer for forty minutes of work (or ten minutes less then your of time) and then ten minutes rest, then thirty minute timer, you get the just, just keep going til you run out of time, it works for me, helps me get work done, setting timers makes me feel like I’m racing the clock to finish Task is that time so I can start a new one when the next timer starts. Another way to do this if you don’t like this method is an adaptation of STPs, basically, work for twenty minutes, break for ten, work for twenty, break for ten, repeat ad infinitum, or as long as necessary. Shoot for five reps, ten if you’re really going for it. Honestly, there’s a lot of interesting workout reps that you can’t turn into study things, I suggest looking at some, especially if they’re already part of your workout routine and you know they work for your there, cause that’s a better chance of them working for you here
3. Make it fun. A lot like timers, if you’re trying to beat someone/something then it can add dopamine to the activity, so you’re more likely to do it. I recommend this video which detail a quest type system to keep you on track, it can’t be translated to studying with both the original how ever much you do gives you points to use against the monster, or the way I do with both the og and bonus points for getting good grades on homework/tests, whatever works for you
3a. You can also try making a friend/rival in class you’re trying beat, I am a big proponent for what friendly competition can do for you. (This can also set you up for a slow burn rivals to lovers college au, so you know, bonuses)
All I got for now, but I may add more later.
#studying#workouts#study tips#workout tips#college tips#school tips#angry rants#adhd#adhd brain#neurodiverse stuff#nuerodivergent#its the neurodivergency#neurodivergent#neurospicy#that’s right bitches I’m spicy#burnout#depresión#depression#realistic mental illness#mental illness tips#anxiety#neurodivergent tips#from a real life neurodivergent#I hope this helps#and don’t fucking come at me#I’m well aware this doesn’t apply to everyone#but it applies to me#maybe it applies to some other people who just want to hear from someone else that they’re not lazy and it’s okay that they need extra help#it’s fine#gods know I could’ve used some of this stuff
38 notes
·
View notes
Note
Part 1
Hello 👋🏻 maybe you don't remember me but in December I asked you if there was no problem if I could fulfill myself even if I had a bad past or how I was in the past and that I had a lot of regret for what I did and you recommended many things to me, the truth is when I spoke With you that day I felt more relieved, it felt like a relief to finally see that doubt resolved because I had never spoken to someone about that topic. I'm very ashamed and I love my parents but I don't have enough confidence to talk to them much less with anyone else and I thank you for listening to me and also to another blogger to whom I said the same thing, well on that task you gave me no I could write what I felt because I relived everything I did and it became unpleasant and it only made my feeling and my self-concept worse so I couldn't do it, but I did cry a lot I even screamed into the pillow but I still felt pain I don't know how to explain it it's strange but I screamed but I still felt pain in my chest, that the day I even hit the pillow (poor pillow right) I felt a little better, but I still have that problem, I tried to focus on my 4d (desires, imagination, etc.) but my past continued appearing and I kept questioning if I deserved it, for example I imagined me and my sp loving each other and my head told me *who would like to be with you because of what you did? Do you think I would date a bad person like you? Do you think anyone would love you? Do you want to be loved? You would have thought that before* The list is long, plus if I imagined my desired life my head said *do you plan to live a happy life? Do you deserve it?* Anyway, even when I see some people talking about deserving it it makes my stomach turn a little, well I wanted to enter the void so I could erase my past (I have seen many success stories that changed their lives since their birth until his whole life) which I saw as a hope of being at peace but he said *ok, I will change everything as if nothing had happened, but inside me that person continues to live in my memory I will continue to see that past, which makes me continue without deserving it*
Hello hun. I remember you and our interaction luv, I’m no therapist so I can’t tell you what to do. But whatever will clear your mind and but you in a better state and mind please do so. Whatever makes you genuinely happy, Do it. If you don’t know, Try new things and find new hobbies. Bring yourself peace and happiness. Of course your desires probably play a major role in that but, I really feel like you should focus on yourself as of right now. Your mental and physical health is important. Get yourself mental health back on track and then back to the basics. SELF CONCEPT HUN. First things first, Your happiness, Your mental and physical health. Take care of yourself. Let’s get that together first. Then you can focus back on your desires. You can manifest your desires in any kind of state or condition but I think you should work on your mental health first because that’s just as important as your desires. Way more important actually. Of course I still feel as if you should let your emotions out, Cry and do whatever you have to do. Don’t bottle up your emotions, Let your emotions out and don’t look back. After that it’s dead. There’s nothing else to worry about. Let it out and do something that makes you happy right after, Continue to enjoy your day and make yourself happy. Now on to the next, You deserve everything you want and more. What you desire is meant for you, You can and will have everything you desire. You deserve peace, love, happiness, and everything else you desire and soooo much more. And you will get it. Nothing can stop you or hold you back from getting whatever it is you desire. Emotions don’t matter, Your emotions aren’t connected to your desires, Your mind is. You can feel however you feel but that doesn’t effect anything your manifesting. Just don’t let your emotions get the best of you and drive you to spiral. If you happen to do, Do that. It’s okay, Calm yourself down and breathe, And get back in the state of the wish fulfilled. This is where time comes in. Time doesn’t matter, The past or future doesn’t matter, The present is the only thing that matters. Whatever happened in the past is done and over with. It’s dead, Even if it just happened. It’s dead. Focus on the now, If you didn’t have your desires 3 seconds ago that doesn’t matter but you have them NOW! I know I know I say this a lot but please work you your self concept before diving into any of your other desires. At least for a week. Use whatever method you want and how many affirmations you need. Just please work on your self concept and prioritize your mental health and yourself because you’re important! Honestly like I said i’m no doctor or therapist but maybe you need to heal something within, Find something to help you finally let go of your past. Because it’s old. It’s literally dead. It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters but the now.
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
It’s been basically 3 and a half days and I have not done anything
I have had all the time in the world and no excuses to not to do my homework, to not study my class material, to not make a resume and actually apply for a job, to not call my parents (and I already didn’t do that last week)
I’m doing exactly what I did last semester, which is the absolute bare minimum, if even that, and by the end of the semester it’ll come back to bite me just like it did before and I’ll have no one but myself to blame, since I knew it was a problem and said I’d fix it, but I didn’t do anything to actually fix it. I suppose the only thing I’m doing better is that I’m doing most of my homework. At least partially
That’s what always happens; I say that tomorrow I’m gonna do something, I say I’m gonna be productive, I’m going to change my ways, and then the next day comes and goes and I don’t do anything, making myself feel more guilty and then ending the day saying again that tomorrow’s a new day, I’ll be productive tomorrow
*sigh* it’s like…I don’t have the motivation to do anything. And I hate it, but I cannot force myself to do something about it. Even if the solution is right there, it’s so easy, I just need to do this one small thing, I just can’t force myself to do that simple task. And that’s the worst part, that the solution is so simple, it’s right there, I have literally no excuse not to do it, but I just don’t do it. And so that opportunity slips by and I know the only thing stopping me from improving my life in some way was that I was just too lazy to do something simple
But going back to the not doing anything for 3 and a half days, what makes it worse is that today at least, I have had no creative juices flowing. I don’t just mean that I couldn’t work on my requests or art (though that’s one thing too, and I just don’t feel like doing my requests right now, even though I should), I mean that usually, when I’m doing nothing, I come up with some story or plot point to focus on to think about and pass the time, usually about a fandom I’m currently in, a character I’ve created, or an original creation of mine (possibly with crossover with another fandom I’m currently interested in). But today, I haven’t had anything good to focus on, and it’s driving me nuts. It’s like when you’re trying to find the right song to listen to, but you don’t know what it is today, and so your scrolling through your entire list of songs on your phone trying to find that good one, and you keep trying songs that just aren’t doing it for you right now, and you just get more frustrated that you can’t find that one song. Which is also something I’m dealing with today, I can’t find the right song to listen to, and it’s incredibly frustrating
I don’t know why I’m posting about this, I guess I just want to say it. I mean, at least I don’t feel as bad as I did yesterday
But also like, every time I post about whatever struggle I’m dealing with, I get comments with people trying to help me, and I appreciate that, I really do, you don’t know how much it means to me, but the problem is I don’t feel as bad about things afterwards, and thus I feel no reason to actually do anything about the problem, as it feels over, and so it remains, festering until it bubbles up again
I dunno. Roommate came back after the weekend around the end of this post and my train of thought was sabotaged
#real life stuff#school#what else do I tag this?#I need to make a new original story soon#I feel like I haven’t made one in a while#what to make it about though…#probably something Berserk inspired (by which I mean it’ll likely be a complete ripoff)#or Cookie Run#I want a new Cookie Run game#one that’s another runner like Ovenbreak#and with simple designs#what am I talking about?
2 notes
·
View notes
Note
hi jess, first off i’m so sorry you have to read through such nonsense that anon sent you. it’s obvious they don’t know what they’re talking about or else they would have some empathy. i also have a really rare and bad case of rheumatism alongside other diagnoses which make everyday life sometimes unbearable. and i think some people don’t understand how inevitable it is that you have access to your medication bc the pain is so horrible you can’t function at all. on my worst days i wasn’t even able to dress myself let alone brush my teeth bc it felt like my whole body was burning from the inside. so i really, really hope you don’t let those words from them get to you. unfortunately i can’t donate right now. i’m in the same situation as you where i have to decide: medication or food. and trust me anon, this is no fun at all, especially if you have to swallow your pride and ask people for help bc there’s literally no other option! in my experience the government doesn’t give a shit if you’re disabled in this meritocracy. but i wanted to help you somehow, so i subscribed to your youtube channel and watch your videos. i wish you all the best and if you ever need someone to talk to, my inbox is always open for you. 💛
aw bless you. invisible illnesses are so hard because if people can't see the feeling of pain we are having, they just find it really hard to understand. and i get that, but only an extremely mad person would fake this. having these illnesses are debilitating. it's not like sitting at home all day playing video games and getting to pursue hobbies. most of the time is sat questioning why you're even alive because you're in too much pain to do basic tasks and even pursue your most basic hobbies like gaming. hell, i haven't even had the energy to do a youtube video in the past few weeks!
i definitely do not and never will let words like these get to me. i had "friends" and even teachers not believing me when i was off sick from school all the time. i learnt to deal with it and stick up for myself to these people. they are just ignorant and ableist, even if they aren't meaning to be
thank you so much for subscribing to my youtube! it really does help. i'm hoping to be monetised by the end of the year so i can focus on getting better with a little bit of income and not having to ask you guys all the time ♥
6 notes
·
View notes
Note
I wanted to ask you, how do you deal when you're feeling rough mentally? You seem like someone who knows what a rough time is but you strike me as very self-sufficient and like you know how to handle your shit. Maybe that's a completely wrong impression, but that is how you strike me based on your blog lol. Since you have been on this Earth a bit longer than I have I wanted to ask if you had any advice haha!
Thank you so much for reaching out, friend! Through many years of trial and error, I think I can give you some pretty good advice, HOWEVER, disclaimer, while I tried to make this as general as possible, this is just what works/doesn't work for me! Wishing you better times ahead, friend, and I hope some of this is helpful for you!
Practical advice first:
When you are going through a rough time mentally, it's good to take stock of your commitments, and any other things or people in your life that take up a lot of your time and energy. A lot of the time, not everything on your plate is something you have to do at all, and many things do not have to be done right now. Think about how you can put some distance between yourself and stressful people/tasks, put off stressful people/tasks while you are dealing with things that require immediate attention, or whether you can completely remove some negative influences from your life. Even if you find you really do absolutely have to or want to do everything on your plate, it’s worth taking stock of that. NOTE: do NOT fall into the trap of removing joyful activities from your life because you feel you do not have time for them, this is a SCAM. You can set aside a tiny amount of time for something small that makes you happy, and indeed, you MUST.
Now, onto the remaining tasks. For me, it's very helpful to approach these with a "just show up" mindset. Figure out what the minimum-effort version of the things you absolutely have to do is, and do that. Focus your limited energy on things that canNOT be half-assed, and allow yourself as much slack as possible in areas where it doesn’t matter as much, while still participating. On a similar note, it helps to schedule yourself for some kind of activity where you have to go to a place for an amount of time. In-person is ideal, but Zoom classes or online meeting type things can help too, or even just going for a walk and sitting in a park or whatever is available to you. In my experience it sometimes helps to just pick up your crazy self and move it to a different location where you have to act semi-normal and focus on something else for a little while.
Example: I’ve had issues in the past with being too depressed to get out of bed, so I promised myself going into law school that no matter WHAT i would not skip class. I have come to class on no sleep, did not do the required reading, and actively cried through classes, but I was there, and it often helped to even me out a little bit, even if I ultimately had to go back and review the actual material. It’s best to set goals like this for yourself when you’re feeling kind of medium, i.e. not particularly good or bad, bc you don’t want to overestimate your fortitude or punish yourself for feeling bad; we’re just looking for results here.
If you are actively having an emotional episode of some kind, what has been tremendously helpful for me is to focus on my basic physical needs. Have I eaten, have I slept enough, have I had some water, would a shower calm me down? Sometimes this is for real like managing a toddler having a tantrum, but I cannot stress how much this can help. Even if you CAN’T currently eat or sleep for example, it sometimes just helps to know that maybe you’re not in the best mental state to be making judgments about the situation, and you should wait until you feel a little better.
To that point, some people find it helpful to put themselves on a fairly strict schedule to take care of their physical health in order to manage their mental health (eating/sleeping at specific times type thing). I personally find this disastrous, but I don’t know exactly why it doesn’t work for me; I think it’s probably just a personality thing. It can be worth a try, just don’t worry about it if you hate it and it doesn’t help. What’s important I think is just learning to listen to your body and respond to its needs without too much judgment.
Counterpoint, your brain will most likely absolutely RAIL against the concept of exercising. This is, however, a scam. Exercise will absolutely make you feel better, you just have to find something you like. Personally I only feel like I’ve gotten the good chemicals if I’ve at least broken a little bit of a sweat, but this will be very person-specific.
To the above point, and to doing things in general, remove as many barriers to doing things as possible. Lay out your clothes and anything else you need, have something simple like crackers available to you at all times, anything you can think of that’s gonna make you go “ohhhhh nooooooo oh god i can’t do this” when the time comes to do a thing, mitigate it to the best of your ability beforehand. I encourage you to think outside the box on this also—if there’s something you can think of that’s kind of silly or weird, but it wouldn’t be bothering anyone, and it would make your life happier or easier? DO IT!
I have an example but it’s about third-hand: a woman told her therapist she was constantly worried that she hadn’t unplugged her hair dryer; the therapist said, well, why don’t you just bring the hair dryer with you? then you’ll know you unplugged it. you get the idea.
Talking to someone else, a therapist or a close friend, about your problems CAN help, but I think the importance is overblown to be perfectly honest, and I know so many people, myself included, who have had really difficult experiences with trying to find someone who is safe or helpful to talk to. While it’s good to vent and to have people who will support you during rough times, I can tell you from personal experience that you don’t need to have a close circle of supportive friends in order to feel better and to start leading a more fulfilling life. I’m not saying you don’t need friends LOL, and I’m not saying DON’T talk to ppl if you do have people you can talk to! Just that if you don’t have that right now you’re not doomed! You can learn and grow a lot from other people, but ultimately the real growth has to come from you. Strengthening/growing your social circle is a whole separate thing.
Counterpoint, helping other people or otherwise offering kindness to others can be helpful IN MODERATION when you’re having a rough time. Don’t overextend yourself or give more than you have, but putting some good out into the world can make you feel a little better generally. Volunteer for something, help someone with a task, send someone a nice note, leave an artist a nice comment, it can be very simple! Connection to the larger world and all that.
More meta advice:
Get to know yourself. Specifically, learn what is normal and not normal for you. This can help you to predict when you are about to be having a bad time, and it’s always easier to pre-empt than to recover. If you notice something that feels off for you, you might be able to start taking extra care of yourself in less disruptive ways, and you might not even get to the bad stage where you really have to spend a lot of time and effort to feel better.
Ultimately you are probably not feeling bad for absolutely no reason. You might not know the reason, and there probably isn’t any way to really know every possible reason you’re feeling this way, because you can’t freely access absolutely every memory and brief experience that your body has committed to memory and is now choosing to react off of. Give your body some credit—it might know something that you don’t, so to speak. If you are feeling off, start thinking about how you can trust that feeling and work with it, not against it.
We can’t always change our circumstances, but we often have more control than we think. You can choose to focus your time and energy on the things and people that bring you joy and/or improve your life, and likewise to remove or de-emphasize the things and people that make your life worse. This is easier said than done, of course, but it’s worth thinking about.
Finally, remember that nothing lasts forever, and better things may be just around the corner. When I was at my lowest I chose THE DUMBEST reasons to hold on another day—if it works, it works. Literally just think of like, a song you love that you didn’t know about a few months ago. What if the next song you love will come into existence tomorrow? It's a silly example, but there are more beautiful things in this world than we can possibly imagine, and you could stumble across the next beautiful thing that will remind you why life is worth living as soon as tomorrow. Always worth sticking around to find out.
Again, wishing you all the best! Hopefully some of this was at least mildly helpful, and of course please feel free to reach out again!
#exciting tag for answered asks#all right now we cross our fingers and hope that tumblr does not make the formatting ILLEGIBLE
2 notes
·
View notes
Note
thank you!! <33 i’m kinda bad at studying as well. i always feel like the more i study, the more aware i am of all the things i still don’t know? and that stresses me out! and i get distracted super easily and find it really hard to just sit down and start, but once i’m in the zone i become very productive! :) you’re totally right, you need to take breaks in between study sessions, for me it just kinda feels like i’m wasting precious time? so i have to force myself to get up and walk around for a bit, maybe eat you know? my study method consists of mainly making some handwritten notes (very old school pen on paper kind of notes) and then explaining out loud what all that stuff i just wrote down means…it’s not what all the super productive study people on tiktok tell you to do, but it works for me :) i’ll let you know how my exams go, i’m pretty sure i’ll fail but maybe you having some faith in me will help :) i would absolutely love to do that! for me it feels like i’m in one of those fridge stocking videos, except i’m not stocking a fridge (does that make sense??) i just find it super relaxing! and i love it when you find some old pictures along the way or stuff you were looking for for years. i’ve unlocked so many memories yesterday just by cleaning out two closets, so cool! oh and i will absolutely emotionally support you through getting rid of stuff you think you’ll still need some time in the future but really is just something you should throw away :))
aren’t you a little young to run your mum’s business all by yourself? (please tell me you get the phineas and ferb reference, i loved that show growing up) anyways! i’m glad you’re doing okay! can’t blame you for staying up to watch the hunger games, i would’ve done the same ;) but hopefully you fell asleep right after and got very close to 6 hours of sleep!
you’re very sweet! and i don’t think you know how much it helps to know that there is at least one person who’s proud of me, so thank you! i’m gonna go to bed now, sleep well!! <3
I finally get around to answering you! Yay!
I totally get that. And yeah, it’s definitely stressful. And I think that’s the same for most people, if not everyone. So you’re not alone in that. Studying is helpful, but also so stressful🤦. Also BIG relate to the getting distracted super easily🤣it takes a lot for me to sit down and get on with a task, have to force myself to just start. I usually do the whole lying to myself by saying “do it for 5 minutes” and then once I’m started i get stuck in a bit and end up doing more than 5 minutes🤷. Dont worry about what the tiktok study people are saying works, do what works for you, and if that way of studying works then woooo keep going! Plus, I think that’s a good method anyway🤷. Please do! Even if you do fail, it’s not the end of the world (although it might feel like it), you’ll know what to expect next time and you’ll know where you need to concentrate on next! Failure is not a bad thing, it’s a learning experience. But I have faith in you. Do your best, that’s all anyone can ask of you❤️. Hehe that does make sense! I love those videos. How are people so organised?? I could never🫣oooo I do love that though, finding stuff you’d forgotten about while cleaning? Only problem is… it usually derails me and I lose focus on what I was doing in favour of looking/playing with what I found🤣. B-but… what if I do need those giant cupcake cases the size of a normal cake that no one has used for literal years??? Or what about that broken hand mixer??? What will I ever do without them??
Hehe been doing it my whole life basically, I joke that it was the sole reason my mum had me, a little built in employee🤣(and yes I got the reference heheheh and I am very impressed I did because I haven’t watched phineas and ferb in years… although now I wanna watch it again…). THE HUNGER GAMES IS SO GOOD. Sorry. Anyway. I got all the books for Christmas so I’m making my way through reading all of those and then when I’m done I’m gonna do a marathon and rewatch all the filmsl hehe. But I’ve still yet to watch the new one though☹️very sad. But it’s okay😔💪
No you’re sweet! Omg so sweet. And again I’m sorry you had to wait so long for this response. Life likes getting in the way of the fun stuff it seems🤦. But yes, I’m truly sosososoSO proud of you, and I’m sure countless others are proud of you too. And I hope you’re proud of yourself too, because there’s a lot for you to be proud of❤️
0 notes
Text
Daydreaming
November 18, 2023
Daydreaming
Daydreaming is the stream of consciousness that detaches from current, external tasks when attention drifts to a more personal and internal direction. Is too much daydreaming a problem? Yeah, it most likely is. It is like a drug, a way for you to escape reality and be stuck in the fantasy world where you feel like you belong. A place in your mind that you have crafted and created to make you the main character for once, the focus of attention or purely a place you made just to feel some sort of belongingness. Like I said earlier it is like a drug, and unfortunately I’m a victim of being addicted to it.
Ever since I was a kid, I always felt like I didn’t belong. That I was different. I know it sounds like I’m some teenager going through a phase where I felt like I was better or different but, it really felt like I was an alien. I was social, I tried to converse and interact with those my age but I never was able to connect with them at a deep level. I can say I have a lot of friends but close ones? Not really. I’d be the type of kid that would be left behind. Like when walking with the group, I’d be the one at the very end. I kept moving from place to place though, school to school, and it may be one of the reasons I wasn’t able to have close friends but how sure can I be? What if it’s just me? Because if that was one of the main reasons, then why do I see best friends that even if they attend different schools or even away in other countries, they still seem to have each other.
You know, I envy those with “best friends”. Whenever I see those with a “BFF”, I can’t lie, I get jealous. It must be so nice to always have someone have your back. A person you can always trust and be with. I never had a best friend you know, maybe before but they rarely last. So a way for me to cope with this was daydreaming. At first it doesn’t sound too bad, it’s daydreaming. How bad can it be? I was wrong, it can be bad. Or worse than bad honestly.
I knew as a kid how much I didn’t belong. But I was a social kid, being alone was never an option for me. So, I tried hard to fit in. I like the things they like, I spoke the way they do, I dressed the way they do, and basically morphing myself to another person just to fit in because if I was ever myself, I would be “too serious” or “a killjoy”. I knew that who I am would never fit in and being a loner was something I couldn’t allow. But there’s this one place where I felt loved and liked, my mind. Every night when I go to sleep, I always daydream stories where the person I like would like me back or I’d win competitions and everyone would cheer for me or being so good at something that I would get applauded for it. It was a dream world. It soon became a habit then a necessity. I couldn’t sleep unless I was daydreaming. But it evolved into something more, instead of daydreaming at night. I couldn’t go on with my day without daydreaming to the point that I would daydream just to make myself feel better. It’s a daily escape, it fills my head with delusions and I am a mess right now because of it. In daydreaming, I find company, I find love and friends in my mind and the mere thought of it is driving me fucking insane.
It makes me ask questions about myself such as “Is the place in my mind really the only place I belong?” If no, then where? “Will I ever find company in life?” “Is there an escape to this constant daydream?” I don’t know.
0 notes
Text
No more bed
Word count: 2113
Genre: Not actually sure :3
Request: No
Warnings: Swearing, kissing?
A/N that's the end of the only one bed trope. Technically requests are now closed but if you think of another overused trope you want me to write then feel free to send it in!
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3
You didn't eat that night and went straight to bed when you got too tired to focus on the words. You had made sure the pillow wall was twice the size it was to begin with. You turned off your light when you heard Natasha's footsteps come to the door, turning your back to her and pretending to be asleep. Your breaths were deep and completely even, there was no way Natasha could have guessed you were still awake. You felt her hesitate over you and the smell of reheated food invaded your nose and then heard her walk away.
The words she said back in that forest shouldn't have hurt you as much but they did. You shouldn't care what she thinks. It doesn't matter that she doesn't believe in your skills as an agent, that she doesn't think you're pretty enough to grab someone's attention.
If Natasha thought the bickering and coolness was bad at the start of the week, she was in for a shock. When she finally came back to that tiny, godforsaken bed and did her usual trick of sliding her foot over the pillow wall, you got up, took a pillow and the spare blanket and went to sleep on the rug in the living room.
When morning rolled around, you couldn't even be bothered to talk to her, focusing much more on the task ahead, just wanting this week to be over. It wasn't even the hurt you were feeling, it was the frustration that you felt hurt that drove you to stop talking to her. You hated her. She was annoying. She had no respect for anything anyone does.
You spent most the day preparing for the party that evening. Sure, it shouldn't take you over half a day to get ready but you had finished your paperwork early and you wanted to try on every single dress and suit SHIELD had supplied you with. You ended up choosing a navy blue, off the shoulder ball gown. Thinking logistically, it was quite possibly one of the worst things you could have worn. A pantsuit would have been a much more suitable choice and yet you looked and - more importantly - felt hot in the dress.
~~~~~
"You're not seriously wearing that are you?" Natasha asked as we both began to change into our formal wear. She had let you splurge out on a taxi but only after you had to walk what felt like 500 miles so no one would know where you were staying.
"Why not?" You asked with a fakeness in your voice "It's a no contact mission, plus, no one would look at me anyway, right?"
"Y/n, that's not what I-"
"Oh look. We're here." You get out the cab before Natasha can finish what she's saying.
Ivan might be an evil person, but he sure does know how to throw a party. It was elegant and high class and he made his way over to you as soon as he saw you. You had both agreed that you would keep him distracted while Natasha grabbed the relevant information.
"Dorogaya, u tebya poluchilos!" (Darling, you made it!) Ivan opened his arms wide, grabbed you by the shoulders and placed a kiss on both of your cheeks.
"Konechno, kak ya mog ignorirovat' takuyu zagadku?" (Of course, how could I ignore something so mysterious?) You laughed and he moved his arm to around your waist.
"Prikhodite, prikhodite, yest' lyudi, kotorykh vy dolzhny vstretit'" (Come, come, there are people you should meet)
~~~~~
Ivan spent most the night introducing you to different 'modelling' agencies. You knew what he was doing, he was showing you off to potential buyers. Ivan ran a human trafficking ring along with some other not so nice business. You weren't worried - not in the slightest. Although, as the night drew on and Natasha still hadn't said anything, you were getting a little more... concerned.
You managed to excuse yourself to the bathroom. Once inside, you tapped the earpiece repeatedly, praying Natasha would answer you.
"Romanoff where are you? Have you got the data?"
Silence
"Seriously, I'm sorry I've been ignoring you but this is childish now."
More silence
"I'll let you have the bed?"
Static rang out in your ear.
Of course SHIELD gave you a crappy ear piece. It was ridiculous. They provided you with three million dresses but couldn't give you a working piece of tech.
Just as you pulled out the burner phone, you felt a needle slide into your neck and the world went black.
~~~~~
"Y/n I have the data."
Nothing. Maybe you were still mad at her.
"Y/n do you copy?"
Still nothing.
"Y/n?"
Natasha's heart beat a little faster.
"Come on Y/n. I'm sorry. I'll let you have the bed?" Her burner phone pinged. It was your location. Shit.
~~~~~
You woke up and looked around, seeing that you were in the rundown hideout, you put your head back on the pillow. Everything felt heavy.
"You were drugged." Natasha states, standing in the corner of the room, her arms crossed and eyes never leaving you.
"Oh." It was all you could muster up the energy to say.
"We leave tomorrow morning."
You push yourself up into a sitting position. "How long was I out?"
"3 hours."
You looked at Natasha, really looked at her. "Then why are you still covered in blood?"
Everything of Natasha's had some kind of bloodstain. She hadn't even washed her hands. It may have been dark in the corner she was standing in, having only the side lamp to illuminate the room, but her skin seemingly glowed, making the blood stand out.
She turned around and left, heading towards the bathroom. You wanted to get up to follow her but while your mouth worked again, your legs did not. Apparently whatever they used on you was a lot stronger than you thought because you fell out of the bed. Again. Natasha rushed out, getting to you in an instant, except this time there were no sly remarks.
"Careful princess, people might think you care." You grin, only for it to drop immediately when you saw a slight wetness to the corners of her eyes. "Hey, it's okay." You said softly. If she wasn't as close to you, Natasha would have missed it.
"I didn't know where you were. I-I thought you had gone off to try and prove something and then I saw you lying there, in some basement Ivan had. You-you looked so... dead."
"But I'm not." you reached up and gingerly stroked her hair, not wanting to spook her. "And look!" You gestured to your toes that were wiggling "I can feel my legs again!"
Natasha let out a slightly wet laugh. "I'm really sorry."
"For what? These things happen all the time. Although I will say, you seem to be unlucky because my missions always go wrong with you." You nudged her shoulder, crossing your legs so you faced her, both of you still on the floor.
"For making you think you weren't attractive. For basically drugging you myself."
"Don't be ridiculous Natasha. You didn't drug me."
"I might as well have done! If I had just agreed with you instead of fighting you, then you wouldn't have felt like you had to prove anything."
"You think I'm attractive?"
"Seriously? That's what we're choosing to focus on now."
"Umm yes? I know it wasn't your fault at all but now I want to hear about how attractive I am." You smirked and Natasha stood up abruptly.
"I'm having a shower."
"Is that a nice cold shower for you to try to get over me?" You shouted as she slammed the door shut.
~~~~~
Natasha came out of the shower half an hour later, towel drying her hair.
"I think you're attractive too." You whispered out, half hoping Natasha wouldn't hear it.
She stilled. Looking at you, trying to see if you were lying.
"Then why do you hate me?"
"I don't think I do. Not anymore."
Natasha stayed silent, encouraging you to continue.
"I didn't like the avengers in general. You guys all act like you're so much better than us. You get all the perks of looking good and none of the paperwork. You don't know the amount of times I've seen top level agents filling out avenger paperwork when they should be out in the field. I thought you were all lazy but spending this week with you... well it made me realise that maybe you're not all that bad."
Natasha had moved herself to the bed, just watching you speak. You looked over to her, signalling that you had finished all that you wanted to say.
"I'm sorry I ever made you doubt yourself. I'll talk to the team about actually doing their paperwork. Who's the worst?" She asked, curiosity laced in her tone
"Steve."
Natasha let out a full blown laugh at that. "Wait seriously?"
"Yup. I see him all the time, constantly trying to offload his paperwork to someone else. I always thought it would be Tony but it's definitely Steve, then Bruce. Then it's probably Tony."
"I promise I'll try to make them stop."
"I wouldn't make promises you can't keep." You laughed.
"Why...why did you doubt me?" You asked, a little more serious than before.
"It's not that I doubted you... I guess I just didn't like the way you spoke to Ivan..."
"You mean the flirting?"
"Maybe..."
You sat in silence for a bit, you couldn't figure out why. It's not like it was against any rules and it all worked in your favour. Then, it clicked.
"Natasha Romanoff were you jealous!" You let out a slight gasp and grinned at her.
"No. No of course not." Natasha got defensive. There was no way she was jealous of that old, wrinkly, nasty smelling man.
"Aww princess!" You adjusted yourself so you were completely facing her. "I can flirt with you too if you want." Your voice got slightly lower and your eyelids dropped a fraction, making your pupils seem bigger. While you raised your voice a few octaves for Ivan, you knew that to seduce a woman you had to lower it a little.
"Stop it." Natasha hit you.
"But why baby?" You grabbed her chin and tilted her face towards you. "Now you don't have to be jealous." You sent her a wink and let her chin go, watching as her eyes got a little darker.
"Go away. I want nothing to do with you or your terrible flirting."
"You say my flirting is terrible" Your voice now back to normal, "But your body is saying something different."
"Wrong. My body is saying nothing."
"No?"
No."
"Okay then! Night night princess." You leant over to switch off the light when Natasha grabbed your arm, causing you to look back over to her.
"Calling me princess... it - ugh... well it -" Natasha looked conflicted before glancing up to you, looking at your lips and kissing you.
You were shocked. You knew you shouldn't have been. All the signs were there and you were a very good flirt but actually feeling her lips on yours made your brain short-circuit. You kissed her back and climbed into her lap.
"We're not doing it here." You said when you both broke the kiss
"Why not?" Natasha looked at you, her hands running all over you.
"Because I'm 90% sure there are rats and I really don't want to catch something"
Natasha laughed and kissed you a little more. "Fair enough. We should stop this now then."
You kissed her neck. "Yes. We should definitely stop now."
~~~~~
Just before you were due to leave, you called Natasha into the bedroom.
"Y/n, we have to go."
"I know I know but watch." You bounced excitedly as you threw a match at the bed.
"Y/n what the hell!?"
"Well, if you remember correctly, I said that if you crossed the pillow divide, I would burn the bed with you in it. As you can see, I'm generously leaving you out of the bed. You're welcome."
Natasha just looked at you. "I can't believe I like you."
"Aww you like me? That's kind of embarrassing for you." You laughed as you linked arms with her, walking to the jet, but not before Natasha convinced you to put out the fire on the bed.
You watched as the fire fizzled out and silently thanked that damn bed for bringing you and Natasha closer. Literally. It didn't mean you weren't going to have a long chat with Fury about proper size beds though.
#natasha romanoff imagine#natasha romanoff x you#natasha romanoff x reader#natasha romanoff fluff#natasha romanov#natasha x you#natasha romanov x reader#natasha x y/n#natasha romanoff#natasha x reader#black widow x female reader#black widow imagine#black widow x you#black widow#black widow x reader#only one bed trope
322 notes
·
View notes
Text
𝖧𝖾𝖺𝗋𝗍𝗌 𝖺𝗍 𝖲𝗍𝖺𝗄𝖾 | 𝗅𝖾𝖾 𝗃𝖾𝗇𝗈, 𝗇𝖺 𝗃𝖺𝖾𝗆𝗂𝗇
PAIRING: jeno x fem reader, jaemin x fem reader
GENRE: angst, fluff, humor, agent!jeno, agent!jaemin, agent!reader, spy! au, love triangle, slow burn, pining
WC: 13.1k
NOTES: depictions of violence, weapons, murder, death, blood, injuries, hospitals, mentions of alcohol consumption
SUMMARY: you save jeno’s life and suddenly you’re more to him than he’s ever thought possible. or in more simple terms, you somehow find yourself in the midst of a war called feelings.
notice!- there will be a part two/bonus of this fic soon so keep a lookout :)
“Yes sir.” The three of you speak in unison.
You, jeno, and jaemin are excused from your boss’s office, minds already revving up for your newly assigned mission.
“So.....” jaemin starts.
“So?” You glance at him, jeno to your left doing the same.
“What do you guys want to eat after we’re done?”
Jeno snorts.
“Already thinking about dinner before the mission’s even started?” You tease jaemin as you walk side by side down the stairs.
Just seeing you three together catches everyone else’s attention. And when you and the boys go to your respective lockers, grabbing your gear and getting ready, they begin to whisper too, already knowing what it means.
The notorious three going all out again.
It didn’t phase any of you at this point. Simply because you guys were that group. The trio with the reputation of being “unstoppable” as the rookies called it. Meaning? Your assigned missions rarely failing, the deeds done cleanly and always on time- the boss never had to worry and fret over your team. But you three were humble enough to simply call it ‘practiced skill and talent’ -with a spoonful of teamwork, of course.
Actually, that was an understatement. Teamwork was important, if not the most important thing while performing missions together. Knowing your partners’ style, skills, actions, were key in any task- basically being able to understand and read each other’s minds without a single word, even in the middle of a battle. Especially in the middle of a battle.
“Are you ready?” Jeno asks, and you nod, looking over to jaemin attempting to put on his earpiece. You stifle a laugh, shuffling over to him and reaching to adjust it. “What would all the newbies think if the mighty jaemin couldn’t even put on his earpiece correctly?” You mutter, fingers soft and nimble while focusing intently.
He grins. “I’d say you always do it for me because you’re the boss.”
You smile. “Dang right I am.”
Turning back to jeno, you notice him waiting boredly for you two. “We’re good Jen! Or do you need me to fix yours too?”
He shakes his head, a smile forming. “Nah, I can take care of myself pretty well.”
“Are you sure? What about that one coffee-“
Jeno presses a finger to your lips, effectively muffling your next words.
“Let’s not mention that anymore.”
A few beats of silence pass.
Then Jaemin abruptly claps his hands. “Ah! The one girl-“
And jeno basically flies through the air over to him, covering his face and whispering worthless threats. The three of you burst into laughter, the atmosphere quite light and easy compared to what you were about to embark on.
You head to the exit and towards the waiting car.
Once everyone gets inside, there’s a noticeable shift in the energy -no more fun banter and joking. It was time to focus.
The assigned driver types in the address to where you three are supposed to infiltrate a random gang’s base and take some trivial files for your own group’s use. The difficulty wasn’t too bad, especially for you three. Definitely not the worst you’ve ever been through as a team- you cringe thinking back to when you, jeno, and jaemin started your first “big” mission. Needless to say, you all came back a little worse for wear. The mission still was considered a success- just saying.
The ride is pretty quiet, an occasional remark here and there. There wasn’t an important need to plan and discuss beforehand- you quickly learned that the three of you worked best just going along with the flow.
The pitch-black night sky and yellow-tinted streetlights greet you as you exit the car, gratefully accepting jeno’s extended hand when you step down.
Jeno looks around, examining the supposed hideout. The sight of an empty parking garage greets him- dim but still lit up somewhat brightly. It may not seem all too scary, but he knows better. It’s just a facade for the dark and twisted acts going on underneath.
“What is this place? Some 2013 music video shoot for a boy group?” Jaemin jokes.
You crack a smile whilst searching around for the entrance. Speaking from experience, you already guessed it would be in an ambiguous location with some stupid twist to get in.
After a couple of seconds, the three of you glance at each other, a look going around that no one else would understand.
“Elevator to your right?”
Jaemin nonchalantly nods, eves never flicking away. “Yep.”
You bite the inside of your cheek. “Jen, Jaem, I think you guys can stand guard while I quickly get the files.”
The two boys both immediately begin to object, voices rising. Your eyes widen, taking a quick glance around before shushing them. “You never know who’s lurking!”
Jeno rolls his eyes. “I don’t care. We’re not letting you go in alone.”
You sigh, checking the time. “Okay, fine. Then jaem can come with me. I think you’re the quietest and stealthiest out of all three of us.”
Jaemin nods, and you turn to jeno. “Comm us if you see anything, okay?”
Jeno gives a small thumbs up.
“Come on,” you instinctively grab jaemin’s hand. “Let’s be fast so we don’t leave jeno waiting out here for too long.”
Jeno watches as the two of you disappear behind the closing doors.
ꔫ
It’s boring.
The most action Jeno's gotten was a bird flying in and pecking at some random stuff on the ground before leaving.
Jeno begins to wish he went with you guys, but his role is still important. Except for the times when there was no one around and no need to keep a lookout. Jeno stifles a yawn, the somehow peaceful air getting to his head, but it’s cut short when he hears oncoming voices. And they’re definitely not yours or jaemin’s.
He curses internally, ducking and moving out of view from whoever was there. He squints, and there’s no denying the gang symbol painted on their backs.
Jeno counts- two, three...
Okay, that’s not bad. He could definitely take them on. Then jeno remembers he only brought a small knife, not expecting any surprise encounters, and his confidence lowers a bit.
He presses the button on his earpiece, speaking lowly as to not alert the dark figures. “Guys. Unexpected arrival. About three or so.”
A couple of seconds later, your voice filters through. “Shoot. It’s okay, we’ve got the file and are almost out. Are they headed towards the entrance?”
He peeks around the corner and bites his lip after looking. “Yes.”
Jeno hears a sigh from the other side.
“About three more minutes. We got caught up in some security codes. Do you think you can take them on or do you want to wait for us?”
“No,” he immediately responds. “We can’t risk losing the file.”
“Okay.” There’s a pause, and jeno waits.
“Just...” you speak up, “be careful.”
Jeno gulps. “I will.”
It’s not anything jeno hasn’t done before, but it’s still a risky move nonetheless.
He takes a look again, and they’re typing in a code to the door where you and jaemin entered not so long ago.
It’s now or never.
“Hey!”
Jeno’s voice comes out light and airy, a casual and relaxed tone to it as he strolls out.
The masked figures tense, attention immediately on jeno.
Rude, jeno thinks.
He doesn’t even get another word out before the guys are all over him. He takes one out with ease, and barely avoids another one armed with a knife.
Jeno moves with practiced ease, swiftly dodging attacks and hitting back with double the strength.
It’s only after the second guy is down with a blow to the face that jeno whips out his own knife, going after the last guy.
Jeno slices and the figure slumps to the ground. He huffs, examining the fallen bodies around him as he hides his knife away. Two minutes tops, he thinks.
Then the sound of the door opening alerts him, and he turns to see you and jaemin looking tense and alert, relaxing when you catch sight of jeno and the bodies lying around him.
That means one thing. Obviously.
You send a thumbs up with an easy smile, one jeno returns back, believing the mission was done and sealed. He starts messing with his annoying earpiece- huh, maybe you were right, and he didn’t put it in correctly...
Jeno misses the horror that immediately replaces your satisfied look when you take a better glance at him, or more accurately, what’s behind him.
“Lee Jeno!” You suddenly scream, shrill voice echoing through the supposedly empty lot.
Jeno whips around toward you. His eyes immediately make eye contact with yours, and there’s this look of pure terror and desperation.
Chills run down his spine and fear prickles at his neck. What could get you to react like that?
Jeno’s never seen you this scared. Not in a very, very long time. He’s too dumbfounded at your abrupt outburst to pay any attention to his surroundings.
You’re sprinting towards him as fast as you can, lips mouthing words that either he can’t hear or you’re not sounding out.
It all happens so fast- too fast in a blur that he can’t comprehend anything-
you crash into jeno, arms thrown around him as if you were giving him a hug, but then you suddenly spin him around in the opposite direction, and you push him away- just a slight nudge so he only stumbles back a bit.
He hears it before he can fully see it.
The sickening sound of a blade meeting flesh- jeno knows it all too well- and he does catch the figure quickly sliding his knife out from you in shock.
Two seconds -it’s basically second nature for jeno to unsheathe his knife and throw it straight at the guy in two seconds.
Perfectly through his head.
His body feels numb, he doesn’t even give a second glance to the perpetrator before his eyes land on you again.
Red is blooming from your side through your shirt, and all you do is stand there, one hand slowly coming up to press the area, face cringing in pain as you look back up at jeno.
He can’t move- the only sound he hears is the heaving of his chest, gasping for air. But his lips work on their own accord, words coming out slowly and breathlessly.
“y/n....why?”
When you speak, your voice flows out, strangely soft and melodic, and your eyes lock onto him with a hidden and intense emotion.
“Because you’re my friend.”
You add a small “-idiot,” with a cough.
And then it’s as if someone presses play again.
You immediately slump to the ground, and jeno hears jaemin yell, running to you and scooping you up in his arms.
But jeno doesn’t budge an inch, he can only stare at the way your eyes fall shut, limp body unmoving in jaemin’s lap.
Jaemin’s shaking, he can tell, hands trying to press your wound and stop the pouring blood, but he can’t tell if jaemin’s screaming at him to get help or if it’s the sound and smell of blood infiltrating him, rushing through his ears.
Then something snaps, and jeno clumsily fiddles with his earpiece, somehow spitting out the words to get help.
It’s like everything revolves around jeno as he just watches.
and exists.
Backup rushes in and gets you to safety as jeno stands there in shock. He has no clue or recollection as to how he even got back to headquarters. Or what’s going to happen to you.
The only thing jeno can do is replay the moment you jumped in front of him and sacrificed yourself.
And the way you looked at him so tenderly, speaking so soothingly,
-the way there was not a single ounce of regret in your deep eyes after willingly taking that knife for jeno.
ꔫ
You’re going to be fine, rest assured. After being rushed to the infirmary, they got a solid report on you a couple of hours later. You were currently sleeping, even after losing a solid amount of blood, the doctors were able to get you in a stable condition. The only problem was that you would be put on bed rest for two weeks- just to be safe.
Jaemin was the one who filled him in on all the details, even though jeno can see jaemin’s just as affected as he is.
It was the first time your team ever had to call backup.
It was the first time they ever saw you so lifeless and small- when after missions you were always so lively and cheerful and just there.
And this was the first time you weren’t.
Jeno feels so weak.
He can barely even function. The others force him to go home and recharge, get a good night’s sleep to process everything.
Jeno feels so weak when jaemin has to be the one to stay back and report everything while he returns to the safety of his apartment.
Jeno feels so weak knowing it was his fault.
He keeps replaying that moment. The moment the man snuck up behind him, your terrified scream of his name, the glint of that red-stained knife, the last look you gave him.
He swore all the guys were down- how did one get back up?
It was his fault. Jeno’s carelessness- in all five years of this job and three working with you and jaemin as a team- he’s never done this before.
He’s never been the reason behind your pain before.
ꔫ
He received daily updates on you from jaemin.
You woke up.
You were recovering well.
You said you missed jeno and asked why he wasn’t there.
Okay, so maybe it’s been three days, and jeno still hasn’t worked up the courage to visit you.
It’s not that he didn’t want to see you- oh no, if anything, he definitely wanted to be there. Jeno wanted to see your bright face so badly and feel comforted and relieved that you were okay. But every time he takes a glance in the direction of the infirmary where you were currently staying, he feels all the emotions rush to his head at once.
Anger, pain, sadness, guilt. Mainly guilt.
And the fact that he can’t help but see your stricken face and last moments whenever he takes a single step in your direction.
But jeno misses you. He didn’t realize it before, but he really misses you. Jaemin doesn’t even pressure him to go visit you at least once or ask why the reasoning behind why he hasn’t gone.
So jeno slowly builds up the confidence to finally visit you. He shows up three days, 72 hours, 4320 minutes later at the room you were currently stationed in, carrying a stuffed plushie of your favorite cartoon character in one hand and a bag of snacks in the other.
He grunts, adjusting his stuff so he can knock on the door lightly to alert you of his presence. Jeno hears your voice- a soft “come in!” and he gulps.
Inhaling and exhaling, he gently pushes the door open. You’re sitting up in the hospital bed patiently, eyes open wide with curiosity as to who could be visiting you now.
And for some reason, the first thought that comes to his head is that you still looked so pretty.
Even with your messy bed hair and dark circles under your eyes- not the forget the fact that you literally got stabbed a few days ago- jeno can’t take his gaze off you.
If anything, your eyes get even wider once you catch sight of him.
“Jeno?”
He shows a tentative smile. “Y/n?”
Your mouth opens, but then you stop and sit back onto the raised bed with a small humph!, wincing when you fall back a little too hard.
Jeno immediately rushes to your side, examining you and asking if you’re okay.
“I’m fine, I’m fine.” Still, you refuse to look him in the eye, arms crossed and chin tilted high.
And for good reason.
He sighs, placing the goods he brought on the desk to your side and sitting down in a nearby chair. He repeats your name. But you don’t budge.
“Please look at me,” jeno pleads. Your head turns to him for a split second before looking away again.
“Alright, fine. I’m really sorry.”
You don’t say anything, but he catches your stoic expression faltering.
“And second, thank you. Thank you for saving my life, y/n.”
Your hands drop to your side, and jeno frowns when he sees your picked fingers- he picked up on the habit you did when you were stressed.
Finally, you clear your throat and speak. “You’re welcome. But I don’t accept your apology. It’s been days, and you don’t even visit me once? I was thinking you hated me for-“
He immediately cuts you off. “I would never hate you.”
A puff of air escapes your lips. “Okay, but it still doesn’t explain your behavior.”
“I know, I know,” jeno says, staring down at his lap. “I was just so shocked from it all.”
He bites his lip, voice hoarse.
“But mostly, I felt so guilty. Like I was the bad guy.”
You open your mouth, but no words come out.
“Because I was the reason you got hurt. It was my stupid actions and not paying attention that caused you to get hurt.”
Jeno ducks his head, hands tightly clasped together and eyes squeezed shut. “I’m so sorry, y/n. You could’ve died, and it would’ve been all because of me.“
“Don’t apologize anymore,” you respond sharply.
“It was my decision to take the knife for you, and I would do that over and over again, no questions asked.” Your voice softens, and your hand comes to rest on his, making his eyes snap open and breath hitch.
“Besides, I knew I would be perfectly fine. A knife never stopped me, you know that.”
Jeno glances up and he’s met with your normal happy-go-lucky face and sparkling eyes.
He can’t help but smile back, paying no mind to the quickening pace of his heart.
ꔫ
After that day, jeno tries his best to come in daily to see you. Since your team’s missions were put on hold until you fully recovered, he practically had nothing to do anyway.
Sometimes he would bring snacks or games to entertain you since you complained about how boring it was to stay inside all day. You did protest in the beginning, telling him not to waste his time with you when he could be doing much more important work- but not once did jeno ever think being with you was a waste of time.
And sometimes jaemin would be hanging out with you already, in the middle of telling you a joke that you can’t help but already start giggling at when jeno knocks on the door before coming in with his goodies of the day.
He would pause for a second after seeing you two, a strange uncomfortable feeling rising in his chest, and then you would notice jeno‘s presence and force him to join you and jaemin, the fleeting feeling then forgotten until the next time.
But the moments when jeno comes in and it’s just you there by yourself, he can’t ignore the rush of adrenaline he gets.
It doesn’t fail to occur every time he spots your lovely face, already greeting him with a sparkle in your eyes.
Since when did he start feeling this certain way? Jeno’s worked with you for years, performed countless missions by your side, and somehow, he only realizes it now. After that one fated day, it’s like everything’s changed. And even if it may not seem like it for you, it certainly has for him.
Jeno wonders why he’s never noticed it before. He wonders when the warmth just from being in your presence truly started.
ꔫ
And from then on, you secure a certain and stable spot in jeno’s heart.
At first, he swore it was just because of how selfless you were, bravely running in front of him and saving his life, jeno thought he was just eternally grateful and held a copious amount of admiration for you. But as time goes on and you’re back on your feet, raring to start up tasks again, he can’t deny that it’s not just admiration.
He knows that his heart beats faster and his palms get sweaty whenever you spot him and your face lights up. It’s obvious, right?
Jeno likes you. But the real question was- did you like him back?
It’s about a week since you were released from the infirmary, slowly training and building back up to get in top fit shape and start on missions again like you so desperately wanted to do.
You send jeno a small smile when he joins you at a table, carrying a stack of old papers to file through. It never fails to make jeno blush- and if you notice, you don’t say anything.
There’s a relaxing silence, you munching on a snack as jeno focuses on organizing, the office is weirdly quiet today.
But the silence doesn’t last for long, you jump in your seat when jeno lets out a small hiss of pain, and you glance over to see him holding his finger, eyebrows furrowed.
“Hm? What did you do?”
He looks up at you sheepishly, “paper cut.”
You click your tongue while shaking your head, getting up to walk to your desk a couple of strides away and returning with a band-aid in hand.
Jeno grins when he sees the cute teddy bear pattern on it, he expects no less from you. “Why do you always have bandaids around?” He questions, amused.
“Because I know you guys, and you guys always do dumb stuff like this.”
His mouth drops open, about to object, but abruptly closes it when you gently take his hand, unwrapping the bandaid deftly and wrapping it around the small inflicted wound.
He gulps, watching you work with such concentration on a minor thing like a small paper cut. Your nimble fingers make him feel ticklish, and he resists the urge to squirm from a simple act like this.
Once you finish, you sit back with a satisfied look.
He mutters thanks, and you shake your head with a pout. “Jeno, you need to take care of yourself better.”
And then a hand lands on your head, and you jump, quickly looking around.
Jaemin laughs, easily slipping into the seat next to you. “What’s up?”
You roll your eyes. “Jeno was being careless and- oh! that reminds me, you too jaemin!”
His pleased expression suddenly turns bewildered. “What?”
“You’re never getting enough sleep! -and I can tell cause you were drinking your nasty coffee earlier and the bags under your eyes are-“
You ramble on, continuing to nag at jaemin as he only watches you with an endeared smile.
ꔫ
Today is a bad day. Simply one of those days where you just wake up with that feeling and know that today’s just not it.
But that happens to everyone. It’s common and nothing you haven’t experienced before.
You hope going to work and seeing your friends will cheer you up a little. Spoiler- it doesn’t. Jeno and jaemin are assigned to an easy mission on the field today, and you’re not allowed to go with them. The doctors tell you that you still have to wait at least four more days until you can get back to doing missions with them- no exceptions.
The one thing you so desperately wish to do gets crushed in a matter of seconds.
So yes, today was a bad day.
No amount of protesting will get you out of it, so you’re left to walk out of your boss’s office extremely frustrated and upset.
Jeno and jaemin try to comfort you, sending sympathized looks, but it’s to no avail. You assure them you’ll be fine and force them to get ready instead of worrying about you, left at your desk to pout and mope.
Why can’t you go?
You’re feeling great and better than ever. The mission is so simple. There’s absolutely no reason you can’t go along with them.
Jeno notices you sulking alone, and even though he has to leave with jaemin, he quickly runs out to get some stuff before heading out.
When you get back to your station after going to the bathroom- to just stare at the mirror for no reason in particular, (yes, it was one of those life questioning moments) you find some of your favorite snacks stacked in the middle with a small note on top.
‘cheer up! i know you’ll get through this :) -j ’
You frown, looking around, and your frown deepens when you realize jeno and jaemin left already to go on their fun adventure without you.
You question your desk mates if they saw whoever did this, and they shake their heads. The handwriting was super scrawly and messy- you had no clue whose it was. Obviously, the signed j was a clue, and your mind immediately thinks of either jaemin or jeno. But you guys are so close- why would they leave it at your desk and not just give it to you personally?
You let out another sigh for the 100th time today, angrily ripping open the snack and stuffing a handful in your mouth. It was delicious, of course, and you’re thankful to whoever got this for you, but now there’s another thing you have to do to add to your burdens already. Find out who did this -albeit with good intentions- and pay them back.
And in order not to feel like a complete failure, you stay at the office late, buried in paperwork until everyone else has left and you’re alone. Or so you thought.
You were so focused you completely forgot about jeno and jaemin. Did they come back alright? You figured they probably left you be to not bother you and break your concentration.
Groaning, you get up and stretch, looking around at the dark room and empty desks. You’re about to gather your stuff and leave when you spot a bright pink sticky note on your office wall.
You squint, not remembering anyone leaving that there before, and curiously take it from the wall.
‘man, i wish i could get some ice’
You raise an eyebrow. Is this a prank? Was someone trying to troll you or was it just a mistake?
You want to ignore it and just leave, but curiosity overtakes you. Rereading the note, you contemplate. Ice? The only ice available at the office was from the fridge.
No, you reassure yourself, you’re just being dumb. It’s probably nothing. But still, you find yourself hesitantly making your way to the kitchen area. It never hurt to check, right?
And surprisingly, there’s the same pink sticky note pasted on the fridge door. Eyebrows raised, you quickly take it, not expecting there to actually be another one.
‘i need to find my gear... where could it be?’
You already know the answer. Or at least, you think you do. Everyone stores their gear and equipment at their lockers, no brainer.
You smile triumphantly when you spot the familiar bright pink hanging off a random locker door. Eagerly, you snatch it off and read the contents.
‘ah. i ran out of paper.’
You snort. Whoever wrote these was getting lazy.
To be honest, you had no clue why this was so entertaining to you -it could literally be a prank and lead to nothing for all you know. Nevertheless, it’s an excitement you haven’t had in a while- like your own mission to find out the source of these mysterious notes.
Quickly skipping over to the copy room, you take another note off the printer.
‘it’s cold outside. i want to look out from above.’
You frown. Look out from above? Your eyes travel over the room, looking for any sign of something up high- before it eventually catches on the sign signaling the stairs leading up.
You smack yourself in stupidity. Of course. your building had a rooftop- one you really never had a reason to go to. At least, not until now.
You push past the doors to go up, quickly climbing up two steps at a time to reach the top. Once you see the exit outside, you hesitate.
What if there was nothing? What if you’re luring yourself into a trap?
You shake your head, reassuring yourself it was fine. Even if someone was trying to murder you, you can take care of yourself.
Gently pushing the door open, you peek outside.
The night sky promptly greets you, stars shining brightly above. There are a few lights placed around to brighten the place up, but your attention is focused on the tiny set up in the middle of the rooftop.
It’s not too extravagant, really- just a simple table with two chairs overlooking the city, but small and cute decorations adorn the place.
You cautiously walk over, and you notice a stuffed bunny sitting in one of the chairs. Curious, you move closer to examine it.
It looks like a harmless stuffed bunny, and after a few seconds pass with nothing dangerous happening, you slowly sit down in the other chair across from the toy.
You’re not sure what you’re waiting for, or why this whole setup is here, but you take the chance to glance out and admire the scenery, shivering at the wind blowing past.
It’s cold and windy, but the view is beautiful. The city below you, bright lights, and life just going on as you sit back and watch it all. It’s so peaceful, and for once your mind is clear and blank. You sit down in the other empty chair and stare for some time, not paying attention to your surroundings.
And then a finger pokes your side, and you whip around, body tense and alert until you catch sight of who it is and falter.
“Jaemin?”
“What are you doing here?”
He smiles. “Took you long enough to get here.”
You gasp. “Did you do all this?” You pause, processing everything before looking back up at him in horror. “How long did you wait for me?”
He rolls his eyes. “A long time.” You wince, mouth opening to apologize, but he cuts you off with a chuckle. “I’m joking. After we came back from the mission, it was already kinda late. And then it took some time to set this up, so don’t worry.”
He’s smiling down at you, and it’s contagious. You can’t help but feel the corners of your lips raise as well. Jaemin removes the bunny and sits down in the chair next to you, wordlessly handing it to you.
You examine it, finding it to be quite adorable and soft. You giggle, looking back at him and thinking of his bunny agenda. “Is this supposed to represent you?”
He shoots you a mysterious look back, eyes twinkling. “What do you think?”
You pretend to think, tapping a finger on your chin, “well.... bunnies are cute but-“
“So you think I’m cute?” He waggles his eyebrows.
Your face heats up in embarrassment and you threateningly raise a fist at him, watching as he giggles, enjoying your flustered state a little too much.
“You didn’t let me finish!”
Jaemin’s smile widens, eyes crinkling. “Okay, you can finish now.”
You scoff, turning away from him. “I don’t feel like it anymore,” you grumble.
He laughs again, hand coming to pet the top of your head. “I’m sorry. I just wanted to rile you up so I could see you not looking sad or glum today.”
You look down at your hands, clearing your throat in an attempt to ignore the weird thumping in your chest. “Oh, well... did you really stay back and do all this?”
He shrugs, looking past at the sight below.
“I know it was a rough day for you.”
You swallow, staring at the bunny in your arms. “But you didn’t have to.”
“Plus waiting for me,” you lamely add.
“I wanted to. It’s normal to be sad right now, you know. You have every right to feel upset, so there’s no need to pretend everything’s fine with me. Okay?”
“Yeah,” you clear your throat. “I’m fine now. it was immature of me to be complaining and sulking over people just looking out for me and my health. I feel bad for-“ your voice gets caught in your throat and you bite your lip.
For some reason, you’re embarrassed. Embarrassed because you’re emotional and don’t want to cry right now, so you avert your gaze to the city, sucking in a breath and staring ahead.
Jaemin waits for a little before speaking up.
“You don’t have to talk. We can just sit here. I figured you didn’t want to be lonely. That’s all.”
You feel shy, messing with the fuzzy bunny to distract yourself. Your voice comes out small but you’re still extremely touched. “Thank you nana. You made my day a lot better.”
“Anything for you, y/n.”
You clutch your hand to your chest, over your heart. The night is chilly, but his words keep you warm inside. Strangely, his presence is enough.
You spend some time just sitting there together in silence, admiring the city lights, night sky, everything, and anything. But the day’s events eventually cause you to get sleepy, and jaemin does too.
A giggle escapes you when jaemin yawns right after you do, and he has the audacity to look offended. “Why are you laughing? Yawns are contagious- which means you did this to me.”
You shake your head in amusement, grabbing his hand to tug him up. “Let’s go home and get some rest. We did a lot of work today.”
He groans, getting up and looking around. “How long did we stay out here?”
“I don’t know. But don’t we have to clean all this up?”
“Nah, I can do it tomorrow. It’s late.”
You shoot him a look and he raises his eyebrows. “What?”
“If you’re gonna clean it tomorrow, you better tell me so I can come up and help you.” You glare at him and he playfully salutes.
“Yes sir!”
You’re about to leave the bunny behind and set it neatly on the chair, but jaemin swiftly shoots a hand out, preventing you.
You glance at him, bewildered.
He looks away sheepishly. “Keep it. I got it for you.”
You blink, before letting out a laugh and clutching it tightly to your chest. Cute.
“Okay. I promise.”
ꔫ
How did you get here?
Well, more importantly, why did jeno drunkenly call you?
You show up disheveled- obviously, since he ruined your movie night and his friends basically forced you to come to pick his wasted butt up.
You heave a sigh in defeat, glancing around the tables before finally finding jeno and his buddies.
You try to hide your concern by keeping your arms crossed as you make your way over. The sight of jeno hugging the table while surrounded by his friends laughing at him greets you. “Oh my god- how much did you drink?”
Jeno immediately sits up, eyes gleaming. “You came!”
His friends crowd around him, looking at you with hungry eyes like a predator would at its prey. “So you’re the y/n?”
You roll your eyes. “Yes, I came. And yes, I’m y/n.” Upon further examination, you frown, noticing jaemin isn’t here. Excluding jeno, it’s all strangers and unfamiliar faces looking back at you. “How did you guys know my name?”
One of them snorts. “Of course we know who jeno’s girlfriend is.”
You scrunch your face up. “What? I’m not his girlfriend.” You look over at jeno for support, but he’s slumped over, cheek flat on the table and mumbling some random things you don’t care to hear.
“Ugh- whatever. Jeno?” You call out, gently shaking his shoulder. “Let's get you home.”
He groans, and with the help of one friend, you get one of his arms across your shoulder, supporting some of his weight.
“Thanks y/n!”
“Sorry, your boyfriend has surprisingly a lower tolerance than we thought.”
“He’s not my boyfriend!” You grunt -jeno was much heavier than you expected- but it falls on deaf ears as you walk out of the crowded place. Well, all except for jeno’s.
He frowns, looking at you like a hurt puppy, but his tone and voice come out serious. “Is the thought of dating me that bad? Do you think I wouldn’t be a good boyfriend?”
Your mouth drops open as you let go of your hold on jeno and stare at him, wide-eyed.
What?
You exhale in frustration, ignoring his words and quickly blaming it on him being drunk. But he doesn’t budge, staring at you earnestly, and you yank his arm helplessly. “Come on, jeno. We need to get home.”
And with another desperate tug from you, his body unfreezes and staggers closer to you, causing your bodies to be almost pressed together.
Jeno doesn’t seem fazed, while you flinch at the sudden proximity. His stare is strong, eyes searching yours fervently.
“Have you never thought about dating me before?”
A surge of heat rushes through your body and you avoid his intense gaze, stuttering hotly, “W-what are you even talking about?! Ya-just-let’s go.”
You grab his hand and stumble out of the place, into the dark night.
You huff, dragging him over to your car. “Where’s jaemin? Did he not come?”
“I dunno. He said he was busyyy.”
You wonder where jaemin possibly could be, but jeno loses his footing while walking and your thoughts are pushed back to focus on helping him. Somehow, he gets into the passenger seat, and you carefully buckle the seatbelt over him.
Once you get in and onto the road, all without a single word spoken, you glance over to jeno curiously. He stares out the window, looking up at the passing cloudy sky, no moon in sight.
“You know,” you start, “you should drink more responsibly. We have work tomorrow.”
He looks back at you, an unreadable expression on his face. “But when I feel bad, I drink. I drink so I don’t have to think about it.”
You frown. “What’s making you feel bad?”
Jeno shifts in his seat, voice small. “Things. Feelings. They’re confusing. How do you find the answer? How can you tell if what you want is right?”
How can you tell if the person you want wants you back? is what he wishes to say, but he swallows it, keeping it inside for another day.
The ride is silent for some time, leaving his spoken thoughts to simmer until you exhale.
“I don’t know, jeno. I honestly have no clue either.
Once you arrive at his place, you assist him out of the car, barely making it through his door.
He crashes into bed, whining, and you gently tuck him in.
After jeno seems settled, you get up to leave him to rest, but a hand on your wrist prevents you.
You slowly look back. His eyes are still closed, body sprawled out on the bed, but his grip on your arm stays.
“Stay,” he breathes. Whether he’s awake or asleep talking unconsciously, you’re not sure. But you hesitate, staring down at him.
You think jeno falls asleep, breathing slowly evening out and hand loosening its hold on yours before falling to the side. You smile softly, adjusting his blankets and fixing his bangs delicately.
“Cheer up, jeno. I hope you find an answer to whatever’s bothering you.”
And with that, you turn and make your way home without a single look back.
And sometime after you’re gone, one of jeno’s eyes just barely peek open to see an empty room, no sign of you.
Jeno sighs, already falling back under.
How can he tell you that you’re the only answer he needs?
ꔫ
Just two more days until you can get back to missions.
You remind yourself of that, repeating it constantly from the moment you wake up. It’s no surprise you didn’t get good sleep last night- for one, the whole drunk jeno situation. and two, the stuff his friends said.... and what jeno himself said as well.
All the boyfriend talk made you uncomfortable. It’s not like you didn’t want to find the right person for you, at the right time, but it still made you awkward thinking of your friend in a different light you’ve never thought of him in before.
You can’t sleep when his face keeps appearing, words echoing in your brain.
“Have you never thought about dating me before?”
You smack yourself. No. Stop. Enough of that.
In the morning, you busy yourself with paperwork, only stopping when jaemin sneaks up from behind to scare you. It doesn’t work.
You grin, turning around to catch him mid-act. “How many times are you going to try this?”
He pouts, arms dropping to his side. “As many as it takes for me to properly scare you.”
Letting out a huff, you open your mouth to retort back but your sight lands on a very familiar figure entering the office.
When you spot jeno, your mind instantly flashes back to yesterday. His eyes meet yours and you quickly avert your gaze, trying to reimmerse yourself in conversation with jaemin.
Jeno frowns, wondering what the sudden act was for. But at the same time, he was definitely hungover and although you kindly left medicine and water by his bed yesterday night, he was still feeling like crap.
He walks over to you two, and you abruptly tense.
“Hey, y/n, jaemin.”
“Hi.” You cringe, your voice sounding not as casual and natural as you hoped.
Jaemin gets called over to assist a co-worker, and jeno takes the opportunity.
“Thanks about last night. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what my friends were thinking.”
You gulp. “It’s fine. You’re welcome.”
And then you proceed to spin around and pretend to focus on work, your back to him. (As if you had any work left when you stayed back and did it all a few days ago.)
Jeno shrugs, assuming you must be busy or something along the lines of that so he leaves you be. But for the rest of the day, you avoid as much interaction with him as possible. Whenever jeno tries to talk to you, you give short and curt answers back, not trusting what would spill out of your mouth if you spoke anymore.
Around lunchtime, Jeno sits at his desk, spinning in circles and wondering what possibly happened with you. Could it be something he did last night?
He exhales, getting up to grab some water from the kitchen. And lo and behold, you’re already there, filling up your own bottle.
He waits for a second, gauging your reaction, and there’s no way he can mistake the sight of your body stiffening and the way you avoid his gaze.
“Y/n?”
Your grip on the bottle tightens. “Uh-yeah?”
“Is there something wrong? Did I do something last night?”
The sound of the water filtering stops, and you fumble, trying to find the right words.
“Do you not remember?”
He stops, rubbing his temple in irritation. “Not really? I just know you had to come and pick me up. Again, I’m really sorry...”
“Ah.” You feel a slight sense of comfort. So he really doesn’t remember anything he said... “Well, it’s nothing, your friends just said some weird things, and I-“
He quickly interrupts you, ears turning pink. “Listen, ignore anything I or my friends said last night. A lot of nonsense comes out of our mouths when we’re drunk, so I fully apologize on their behalf. I can talk to them and-”
You internally heave a huge sigh of relief when he says that, heart somewhat at ease now.
“No-no, it’s alright...,” you fiercely shake your head.
“Oh, okay.” Jeno’s hand comes up to scratch the back of his neck self-consciously.
You finally allow yourself to relax, noticing his messy hair and biting your lip to hold back a laugh. “Jeno- did you do your hair this morning?”
You reach to fix the stray hairs, patting some flyaways down, when his hand shoots up, grabbing your wrist and stopping you effectively.
You freeze, smile slowly falling while staring at jeno in shock and confusion, his hand still keeping yours on top of his head in place. Jeno looks back at you, an unreadable expression on his face.
One beat.
Two beats.
You swallow.
“Jen?” You ask tentatively.
He snaps out of it, blushing and removing his grip from your wrist, causing your arm to fall back down at your side.
“Oh-yeah. Sorry. I’ll get going now. Good luck with your work today.” He dashes off, leaving you to stand there alone.
You shiver, brushing over the spot where he held your wrist. What was that all about?
ꔫ
After lunch, you decide to stop by jaemin’s desk, wanting to ask if he’s attending the party tomorrow night.
You eagerly roll your chair over, wheels squeaking against the carpeted floor.
“Hey jaem-“
Your chair comes to a slow.
You find Jaemin at his desk, using his arms as a pillow as he sleeps peacefully, head turned to the side and slow breaths huffing in and out.
You quietly laugh to yourself. Scooting closer, you allow yourself to watch him for a second, glad that he was getting some rest instead of constantly working, helping other people out at work, or helping others by volunteering.
You unconsciously lean closer, fingers lightly brushing his hair from his face and watching his body peacefully rise and fall.
Jaemin was always the person everyone went to for assistance. Everyone adored jaemin. You wonder why he’s never dated anyone in the time you’ve known him- he and jeno were always popular and well-liked.
You fall into a daze watching him, just from how peaceful he looks, losing track of the time.
And then his eyes shoot open, and you jump back slightly, startled.
He doesn’t move from his position, just simply staring back at you, and for a second you can do nothing but stare back.
And then he breaks into a sleepy but still amused grin, apples of his cheeks protruding clearly.
“How long have you been awake?” You ask slowly, cautiously.
“How long have you been staring at me?” He counters back.
You let out an embarrassing sound, scooting back.
“Doesn’t matter. It was just shocking to see you getting some rest for once.”
He raises an eyebrow but you ignore it, attempting to get back on topic. “Anyways, are you going to the party tomorrow?”
“What party?” Jaemin asks bluntly.
You should’ve guessed that he didn’t know. “Our division’s hosting a party tomorrow at 7. To celebrate the 8th anniversary or something like that. It’s supposed to be fun though. Are you going?”
He purses his lips, running through his mental schedule and future plans. “I suppose I can.”
You fake a gasp. “The na jaemin actually has time to go to a party?”
He jokingly pushes your chair away from him in revenge, but it’s so sudden that you jerk and lose your balance in the seat, about to tip the chair and fall over.
Thank goodness for his overly trained reflexes that allow him to lunge forward and catch the sides of your chair, safely stabilizing it while he’s positioned over you.
You quickly glance up at him, heart racing and adrenaline pumped. It doesn’t get better when you notice his arms caging you in.
Jaemin’s concerned expression meets your shocked one, and when he asks if you’re okay, you simply can’t function, opting to just gaze up at him with wide eyes.
“-y/n???”
You come back to your senses, rapidly nodding and ignoring the rest of his worried questions. Returning to your desk, you bang your head against the hard surface, mind jumbled. You just need a break from men.
It feels like forever until it’s finally time to go home. Your body feels sluggish and brain fried as you make your way out the door. Locating your car, you somehow spot the two people you really don’t want to see after what happened earlier -with the both of them.
You recoil, quickly avoiding jeno and jaemin like a frightened mouse and speedwalking over to your car. Once you get in, you let out a sigh of relief, finally getting a chance alone to think about today’s developments.
Is it just you, or are jeno and jaemin acting so strange recently- especially after you got stabbed?
Before, you would’ve said that your teammates were the people you could trust with anything and everything. But lately, they’re the two people that have been driving you crazy.
You rub your eyes in defeat. Everything’s confusing- it feels like everything’s changed.
But one question remains.
How exactly?
ꔫ
Ryujin drags you along next to her, ignoring your complaints about the outfit she chose for you.
She worked in a different division from you, meaning you didn’t get to see her often, though you were still able to keep in contact. It felt like meeting up with an old friend occasionally, there were never any awkwardness or boring moments.
And somehow, she managed to sneak her way into your division’s party. (popular people things, you grumbled.)
“It feels like we’re going to a college party again.”
You shake your head. “Don’t remind me of those.”
You fiddle with your clothes for the nth time, ryujin having picked an outfit you would’ve never worn on your own accord.
“I’m regretting letting you choose what to wear for me.”
She only laughs. “Yeah-well, too late now! Besides, you look really good, so who cares?”
“Me!”
Ryujin ignores you, glancing around at the apartment doors and looking for the right number.
“Ah, here it is. Number 55.”
You knock on the door, and it slowly opens to reveal one of your coworker's apartment.
There’s a fair amount of people already there, chatting away or dancing to the subtle music.
Good, at least it wasn’t like those cringy college parties with ear-deafening music and the stench of pure alcohol filling the place.
Your eyes travel across the room, taking it all in.
“Are you looking for him?” Ryujin teases, nudging your side. Your eyes flick back to her, a confused look in them. “What do you mean?”
She rolls her eyes, “Who else would I be talking about? Obviously-
She gets cut off by lia, running over to the two do you with a squeal.
“Y/n, you look so pretty!!”
You shake your head, embarrassed.
“I’m surprised you didn’t come with jeno and jaemin,” she remarks.
Your mouth opens. That’s right, you totally forgot about them. Searching around, you finally spot both of them playing beer pong with a couple more of your coworkers.
Smiling, you excuse yourself to greet them.
“Getting the party started without me?” You tease, walking over to the table.
Everyone turns at the sound of your voice. Jaemin, mid-shot about to throw the ball, stops when he sees you.
Jeno swallows, eyes taking in your appearance.
You frown at the lack of response. “Guys?”
Immediately, everything resumes. They all greet you, and jeno hands you a cup.
“It’s light, don’t worry.” You nod in thanks, taking a sip.
He suddenly feels hot, hands picking at his shirt. “You look really good.”
You roll your eyes. “Sure, it’s probably just because you’ve only ever seen me in my work clothes or pajamas.”
Jeno shakes his head shyly. “I mean it.”
The air suddenly feels weird, so you shuffle a bit, clearing your throat.
“Oh. Thanks, I guess?”
The party resumes with you hanging out with the boys and occasionally talking to other friends. But it’s been a while since you’ve gone out like this, and eventually, you start to feel a bit overwhelmed.
Jeno and jaemin quickly take notice of your quiet behavior and short replies.
Jaemin nudges your side softly. “Are you okay?”
You feel yourself faintly nod, trying your best to take a deep breath. “Yeah, it’s just a little stuffy in here.”
At your words, jeno and jaemin both start, immediately offering you water at the same time.
You hesitate, staring down at both of their outstretched hands.
“Uh,” you awkwardly laugh, getting up. “It’s alright. I’m just gonna go to the restroom....”
You don’t. You walk over to the kitchen, quickly obtaining and downing a glass of water with a satisfied exhale at the end. And then, instead of returning to the rest of the group, you take a detour to the balcony, quietly stepping out into the cold night and shutting the door behind you.
Jeno gets increasingly worried. It’s been like 15 minutes and you still haven’t returned. He asks jaemin, and he only shrugs, saying something about how you probably needed some space.
But it’s not a good enough answer for him, so jeno goes to check the bathroom, and as expected, you’re not there.
And in fact, you’re not anywhere inside as far as his he can tell. Anxious, he begins to go around, asking a few people if they’ve seen you. Most of them shake their heads, stating unhelpful information referring to your location.
But eventually, while waking his way past the kitchen, he hears your voice. It comes from outside, past the door that leads to the balcony.
Jeno stops, listening for a second. He can pick up on another person’s voice along with yours- he believes it’s your friend - the one whose name started with an R?
Your voices are faint, and he quietly leans in closer to the door, holding his breath and praying you don’t notice his presence.
“-you like him, huh?”
He hears your soft voice. “Again? What are you talking about, Ryu?”
Right, he thinks. Your friend's name was ryujin.
“Don’t act oblivious. You two have been teammates for so long now- I can tell.”
Then jeno hears noises that he assumes are you getting flustered and he has to hold back a laugh.
But then the sounds of shuffling suddenly start, and jeno barely hides away past the corner -thank his spy training.
Jeno presumes that ryujin gets up and heads back inside, closing the door and leaving you alone again.
He counts 15 seconds before walking over to the door and gently opening it. He’s greeted by the sight of you, staring up at the sky, and his breath is stolen away once again.
But you turn at the noise, relaxing when you spot jeno.
“Oh. Hey. What’s up?”
He hums, sitting in the chair next to you. “I didn’t know where you went.”
“But you found me,” you remark dryly.
“....where’s jaemin?”
Jeno shrugs, having forgotten about jaemin in his quest to find you.
Maybe the tranquil silence between you two and the breathtaking sight in front of him is what causes him to reflect on everything.
“Y/n,” he speaks up after a while.
You nod, waiting for him to continue.
“I know I’ve said this a bunch of times, but thank you for saving me.”
“Didn’t I already tell you to let that go?” You joke.
“Yeah, but I want to keep saying it because I truly mean it. I’ll always be grateful because of what you did. I still feel terrible for not paying attention-“
You place a hand over his, and he falters.
You don’t look at him though, gaze still locked in front of you. “I already accepted your apology, jeno...”
“But am I still allowed to feel horrible about that time I practically forced you to come and pick a drunk me up?”
You giggle, removing your hand from his, and jeno unconsciously frowns at the loss of contact.
“If it makes you feel any better, then sure. But....” you start.
He nods, gesturing for you to keep going.
“What was bothering you that night? You said you drank so much because you felt bad.”
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” you quickly add.
Jeno exhales a long breath through his nose. He debates internally, switching back and forth between the options.
Is there any way for him to say that he likes you? That jeno likes you- a lot?
And that he doesn’t know if you like him back?
Sometimes, he thinks the smiles you send him are special, different from the ones you give to others. Or whenever he thinks about the time you took care of him, helped him, sacrificed your life for him, he believes it could be something more.
But at the same time, jeno doubts himself. He can’t help but wonder if you really do feel the same way or if it’s just you being you. You’re always smiling at everyone, helping others out whenever you got the chance- being the selfless, admirable person you are.
He stayed up countless nights, replaying and overanalyzing all the interactions you had with him throughout the day, wondering, hoping, wishing.
“I like someone,” jeno finally speaks.
But before you can react, he continues. “And I don’t know if they like me back.”
He looks down at the ground, his voice quiet. “Because I’m just me, you know? There's honestly nothing special about me. I can’t even work up the courage to confess- what would they even like about me?”
“She probably doesn’t even like me back,” he finishes.
You wait, letting his words fully sink in.
And then you let out a short, dry laugh, and he quickly glances up at you, bewildered at your low tone- a sudden change in the air surrounding you.
“Is this really what was bothering you that night?”
“-are you really doubting yourself, lee jeno? Did you forget how great of a person you are? How hardworking and strong you are? How kind and thoughtful you are? You’re a good guy, and anyone would be a fool not to see that.”
Your eyes hold a certain intensity to them, never once breaking eye contact with his.
Maybe you said something else, maybe you weren’t done talking, but jeno isn’t sure.
He suddenly felt a rush of hope when you were speaking -at the look on your face when you talked about him so seriously and with so much conviction.
So much to the point where he can’t stop himself.
It’s like his body has a mind of its own, forcing Jeno to lean in towards you, face coming much closer to yours.
You trail off, noticing his sudden bold move. He doesn’t say anything, eyes flicking down to your lips.
Your breath hitches.
You don’t know how to react to the sudden intimacy, so you simply stop, body locking up and heart thundering in your chest.
Jeno brings you closer as your eyes widen, not a single part of you moving as you internally panic.
“Hey, who’s out here-“
Jeno falters, eyes flying open.
You take the chance to scoot back, breathless, and quickly get up to meet the eyes of the person who burst outside and essentially ruined the moment.
Thank god it wasn’t any of your friends- just the apartment’s owner who simply wanted to know who was outside.
After quickly explaining, it’s a golden opportunity for you to get the heck out of there, internally thanking them for coming out at that moment.
Quickly apologizing, you make your escape, fumbling past the door and back into the party, looking for your belongings and searching for the exit.
You don’t bothering telling anyone about your departure, instead coming face to face with a confused ryujin, to which you explain that you’re tired (not a lie) and need to go back home and make sure you didn’t get robbed (also not entirely a lie, you really had no clue if you locked your doors or not).
And with that, you clumsily put your shoes on and push past her, ignoring the startled protests and questions.
Your mind is buzzing, the alcohol not helping one bit.
As you continue on the path back to the comforting solidarity of your home, you can’t help but think back to what occurred earlier.
What just happened?
You don’t even want to imagine it, but it seemed like jeno was trying to...
kiss you.
maybe? right?
You run a hand over your face, having an internal crisis.
Hah, no way.
Was he just that drunk? Like that one time you had to pick him up?
Should you just disregard what happened this time as well?
Are you making a big deal out of nothing? Was it just an accident and you misunderstood his intentions?
Everything feels so overwhelming and confusing, once you get home, you immediately collapse into bed and force yourself to fall asleep and not have to think about it anymore.
And it’s very much a good thing that you did because your boss sends you and the boys on a mission the next evening.
And yeah, maybe you were still feeling like crap and hungover, but it was your first mission after getting stabbed. Even when you’ve been on countless missions- ones much harder than the one you were about to embark on- you still felt the nervousness and anxiety to perform well and succeed in your stomach.
And luckily, or maybe not so luckily, you didn’t have any time to discuss what occurred last night between you and jeno.
He stays quiet the whole ride, and you’re not sure whether to be grateful or concerned.
Jaemin worriedly asks you about where you went last night, and you shrug, saying something about how you were tired and wanted to go home early.
The atmosphere in the car is weird, and you want to blame it on the fact that it’s been a while since you’ve been out as a team, but you all know it’s more than that.
Shutting your eyes shut, you decide to put it all away for now.
This was your job, and you couldn’t let personal matters get involved.
“You guys ready?” jaemin asks, and the three of you share a look before you nod.
“Yes. Let’s go.”
The driver pulls up, and it’s strangely giving you a sense of deja vu when you get out of the car and into the dark and windy night, as well as an ominous feeling, like something horrible was going to happen- but you brushed it off and blamed it on your nerves.
You recall the words of your boss- just look around the area for anything suspicious and report back. Fortunately, you’re outside at an abandoned plaza, a large lake in the middle of it, making the location seem much bigger than it was.
Your instincts immediately come back as you glance around, taking in your surroundings.
The area was suspected to be taken over by an unidentified group working against your organization, so you decided to split up and cover more ground to search for anything fishy.
“Jaemin, I think you can search the general outside area, around the lake and stuff.”
He nods at your words, adjusting his earpiece.
“I’ll go near the bridge,” jeno murmurs and you exhale, still taking in your surroundings.
“Alright, let’s go.”
And before you can make any moves, you feel both of your hands being grabbed, your body getting tugged in opposite directions.
You let out a small yelp in surprise, glancing around to find jeno having taken one of your hands to pull you one way while jaemin did the same with your other hand, pulling you the opposite way in his direction.
There’s an awkward moment as they realize what they both just did.
And still, a few seconds pass while you glance back and forth between the two and neither jaemin nor jeno have yet to let go of you.
Nervously laughing, you shake off both of their hands, muttering, “I’ll just go to that building over there... y-you know, by myself....”
As quick as possible, you make your escape (once again) briskly walking away from your teammates while still keeping an eye out.
There’s nothing suspicious around, but you still have an unsettled feeling in your stomach that won’t go away, no matter how much you reassure yourself.
Walking out of the building, you catch sight of jeno. You still, awkwardly standing in the doorway and debating whether to go over to him or hide- even when there was absolutely no reason to be hiding from him.
Either way, you don’t get to decide as he spots you and frantically heads your way, looking panicked, which immediately sets you off.
Breathless, he runs towards you, and you tense, examining his current condition.
“What? What is it jeno?”
He takes a quick glance around before pulling you back inside the building urgently as you stammer indignantly.
“There are guys,” he gasps. “Spotted them coming this way.”
You curse, trying to hide from the open spots through the building’s windows.
“That’s not it,” jeno adds, voice lowering to a whisper. “It’s the same gang from before.”
Your eyes widen as you press a hand to your mouth to keep yourself quiet.
“How many?”
Jeno blinks. “At least seven.”
“What are we going to do?” Your heart rate quickens as you remember your other teammate.
“Shoot, what about jaem? He’s still out there- does he know?”
Jeno lets out a frustrated sigh. “No- I spotted you first and quickly tried to get us to hide. I totally forgot.”
Exhaling, you press your earpiece, speaking softly,
“Jaem. Jaemin? Can you hear us?”
The two of you wait patiently, but there’s no response.
You repeat his name, and so does jeno.
There’s nothing.
Your anxiety increases and jeno softly squeezes your arm to comfort you.
“I’m sure jaemin’s fine, he can take care of himself.”
You frown, head snapping up to him. “How do you know that? Jaemin might not have any clue and those guys could easily spot him wandering around. He could get ambushed and since there’s more than-“
You get interrupted by the sound of approaching voices, apprehension striking you through the heart.
It takes everything in you not to make a sound as jeno pulls you closer to him, lessening the space between you and also the chance of anyone spotting your figure just barely peeking out.
You close your eyes, the sound of your soft breaths filling the air as you just focus on the feeling of his hand on your back, the noises from the people passing by getting fainter and fainter.
Once you confirm the coast is clear, you immediately back away, ignoring how jeno clears his throat and running a hand through your hair in stress.
You could always attack, you had no doubt in your abilities, but there was no telling how many more guys there were and if it would blow your cover or not.
“Are you sure there were seven?”
He frowns. “As far as I could tell...”
You squeeze your eyes shut, muttering, “I know we could take them on, but- there’s no telling if they have backup or if they’re planning to do something here at this time or not.”
Jeno nods solemnly, cautiously moving towards a window and peeking out as you continue to try and contact jaemin.
“It’s hard to tell,” he whispers, “but I think they’re leaving.”
Your eyes fly open, silently making your way to the window to glance out. You squint, the darkness obscuring your vision of the shadowy figures outside.
But jeno seems to be right, they seem to be packing up and leaving- although you’re not quite sure what they came here to do in the first place.
It feels like forever- waiting for them to slowly leave the area, plus a few extra minutes to confirm.
You pick at your hands anxiously, waiting. Where was jaemin? Did he get hurt? Why was he not responding?
Jeno finally gives the okay, and you leap to your feet, not caring anymore and bursting your way out of the building.
Gasping for air, you frantically search the whole area, running all around the place and calling for jaemin as jeno struggles to keep up with you- pleading for you to slow down a little.
You pay no heed to his words, the wind blowing your hair past and head whipping from side to side as you call out, voice hoarse, “Jaemin?”
You hear a faint shuffle, and your eyes zero in the spot near the fountain, where some benches are.
Your legs work on their own accord, bringing you closer as you call for jaemin once again.
You hear a muffled response, and adrenaline rushes through you.
Jaemin squeezes out from between one of the benches and a large positioned rock, looking albeit a little shaken but otherwise seeming unharmed and normal.
And for some reason, you can’t control yourself, running over to him and placing your hands on his face, sides, everywhere.
“Are you okay? Are you hurt anywhere?”
He swallows. “I’m alright. I spotted those guys luckily before they spotted me, and somehow found this spot to hide. It was good that they stopped pretty close to where I was hiding- I was able to hear some of their conversations.”
You bristle. “It was good? How could it be good when you almost got spotted?
You hear jeno come up from behind, catching his breath from chasing after you. “Thank goodness you’re safe- why didn’t you answer us through the earpiece?”
Jaemin shrugs. “I couldn’t make any noise or else they would find me.”
You scoff, crossing your arms. “Yeah, well you could’ve done at least something. We had no idea what could’ve happened to you- if you got hurt or needed help!”
They both look surprised at your outburst. Jaemin raises an eyebrow. “ Chill y/n, I’m alright. You don’t have to be so worried-“
“How can I not be so worried when I almost lost you?” Your chest heaves and your fists are clamped tightly in balls to contain your frustration at his reaction to this situation.
How could he be so calm about this?
Jeno watches from the side, speechless.
Jaemin takes a step closer to you, confused and still a little shocked, and you take one back while staring furiously back at him.
“Lost me?” Y/n, you wouldn’t have lost me, because you know I can take fend for myself. These kinds of things happen all the time on our missions, I don’t get why you’re so worked up over this-“
“Because I have feelings for you, idiot!”
Oh.
There it was.
You inhale sharply, turning around and furiously stalking away. To where- you’re not sure, but you do know that you just need to get away from this place.
Jeno and jaemin stand there, unsure of what to do or say.
But jeno wasn’t unsure of what to say. He simply had nothing to say at all.
He wants to go after you, starting in your direction, but jaemin’s oddly quiet and low voice stops him.
“Don’t. Leave her alone for a while.”
And the tone in his voice tells jeno that jaemin wants to be left alone for a while too as he eventually stalks off.
Jeno stands there, alone, wondering if this was how it was really meant to be.
ꔫ
You walk for a long time.
A long time back to your place. Somehow, you do it.
There’s a lot of things that fuel your stamina.
Anger, frustration, confusion.
For one, you had absolutely no idea why you just randomly shouted out in a fit of anger that you liked jaemin.
Because you weren’t even sure if you did or not.
And of course, the whole jeno situation as well.
You’ve never thought of jeno differently before- in a romantic way before.
And when he almost kissed you?
They both make your head hurt, spin in circles until you can’t think straight anymore.
Since when did things change?
Since when did all these feelings get involved and complicate your entire relationship with each other?
You feel tired, your legs taking you back to the one place you want to go back to, the place where you can be alone.
Once you miraculously make your way to your familiar home, the sight seeming so much more welcoming than it ever did, you collapse into bed, feeling the most exhausted you’ve ever felt.
It’s the only thing you can do now- simply because you don’t want to do anything else.
And the next morning, you avoid everyone’s calls, concerned messages wondering about where you are and why you haven’t gone to work this morning.
Instead, you decide to do what you do best. Ignore everyone and shut yourself out from the world.
You do contact your boss and tell him that you’re taking a short break for personal reasons- even when you just returned back to your job.
And answer when ryujin texts you, blowing up your phone the second she found out you were “taking a break”.
Ryu (7:36am): what’s going on
Ryu (7:36am): why are you suddenly not going to work
Ryu (7:37am): y/n
Ryu (7:37am): answer me
Ryu (7:37am): answer me
Ryu (7:38am): answer
you (8:02am): I can’t believe im saying this
you (8:02am): But
Ryu (8:03am): omg you’re alive
you (8:04am): Boy problems
Ryu (8:04am): what
you (8:04am): Yeah
you (8:05am): That’s it
Ryu (8:05am): wait huh with who tho
you (8:06am): ...
Ryu (8:07am): oh
Ryu (8:07am): oh no
You turn your phone off for the rest of the day, feeling conflicted.
Was it childish of you to just cancel work to avoid two guys?
Was it childish to run away from your feelings?
You get an answer that night- in the form of a knock at your door.
You lazily get up, casually swinging the door open with no regard for who was behind it.
Once you get a glimpse of who it is, you stop in your tracks, heart stopping as you stare at him.
“-What are you doing here?”
He stares at you with desperate eyes. Those eyes. When you were stabbed. When you were upset from being stuck on bed rest and not able to do anything. When you were alone and he was there to comfort you.
With the same eyes you’ve probably looked at him with a million times before- you’ve just never realized until recently.
And then his lips on are yours, and you automatically entangle your hands into his hair.
The door shuts behind him with a frantic slam, effectively sealing the plans for your night.
ꔫ
Spending days away from everyone and everything allowed you to really reflect on everything that happened in the past month.
Getting stabbed, taking a break from work, finding out what was really hidden deep inside you- what was what you needed and wanted.
You were grateful to have the best teammates, ones that were selfless and always took care of you.
Especially now, after you got hurt and suspended from work, you were still grateful and appreciative of both jeno and jaemin.
Even when certain things and situations confused you, brought new feelings and secrets arise, you would never change a thing.
And when you sneak a glance to the guy still sleeping peacefully by your side, arms wrapped around tightly around you like he’s afraid you would escape or leave, you take the chance to look at him- truly look at him and all his features in a way you’ve always done before, but could never figure it out.
You always admired that jaemin was always the one taking care of everyone else- always selfless and thinking of others.
Always understanding and knowing what to do.
He’s always there.
And it took a lot more for you to realize that’s what you wanted, and that maybe the two of you are more alike than you thought.
Maybe you do like jaemin. Maybe you’ve liked jaemin for a long time and just never realized it.
And maybe you just want to love on him back a little.
(but just remove all the previous maybes.)
ꔫ
Jeno’s surprised to see you return to work that day- although late, but still here nonetheless.
You look much better and lively- he wonders what could’ve happened. (even when deep down, he already knows what must’ve happened.)
It’s hard to ignore the private whispers and looks that you and jaemin share, like you have a secret or inside joke that only jeno doesn’t know about, but obviously, it‘s just further proof that there’s something going on between you two.
And it’s hard to hide his true emotions in front of you and pretend that everything’s okay.
Pretend that you and jaemin together weren’t killing him on the inside and the fact that you’ve only ever thought of jeno as a friend wasn’t true.
Jeno so desperately wished that he realized he always liked you for a long time before, maybe even since the beginning.
Maybe things would have been different. Maybe if he knew earlier and told you sooner, you wouldn’t have discovered and revealed your feelings for jaemin.
Jeno also wishes that he knew that you never returned his own feelings at that time. Right when you jumped in front of him and said those five words the day you almost lost your life.
And yet, the smile on your face and sparkle in your eyes directed towards jeno is the same- maybe even a bit brighter now as he was all too familiar with the looks and laughs you sent his way before.
He wishes he knew it didn’t mean anything, and he didn’t fall for that smile.
Like the one, you’re sending to him now.
“Hey jeno, we’re gonna go grab some food. Wanna come?”
He grimaces and shakes his head, muttering some excuse about how he needs to watch his caloric intake.
It wasn’t that -he would gladly take food any day. But his appetite was gone. And to be honest, it had been for a while.
As he watches you walk off with jaemin, hands lovingly intertwined, that’s when he realizes it.
Yes, you might’ve saved jeno’s life, and you might’ve even been the love of his life -if he truly thought about it- but he was never yours.
And he never would be.
a/n: the fact that i had to use a random decider to choose the ending bc nomin things :) anyways if you made it to the end then ty for reading
taglist: @skrtbabe
reminder- any kind of feedback is always appreciated :)
#cznnet#kpopscape#nct dream#jeno x reader#jaemin x reader#lee jeno x reader#na jaemin x reader#nct dream x reader#jaemin scenarios#na jaemin scenarios#jeno scenarios#lee jeno scenarios#nct dream fluff#nct dream smut#nct dream scenarios#nct dream imagines#jaemin fluff#jeno fluff#jeno imagines#jaemin imagines#nct x reader
280 notes
·
View notes
Text
Pink Lace - Chapter 5
Characters: Baekhyun x Reader
Genre: College AU, stripper AU, fluff, smut, slow burn
Summary: Baekhyun, a philosophy professor with mysterious wealth, got himself completely fucked over a girl who can’t let him into her life.
Word count: 4k
Warnings: sex work, mentions of sexual assault, adult themes/situations, eventual smut
Tag list: @smolbeanmika @leave-me-in-the-summertime @totallynerdstuff @bbhmystar @nana-banana @kimyhappy @thegreatandi @geniusloey @deligxt @baekswifey @bbhyun506 @lovebuginlove @bellamendoza @baekyeonoreo @bobohumyonlyboo
Masterlist
After your conversation with Baekhyun Monday evening Tuesday was spent desperately trying to get Baekhyun off your mind, with little success. He’d asked you if you liked him like that, and you couldn’t tell him no. Hell, you knew in the back of your mind that the answer was definitely yes, you just couldn’t bring yourself to say it to his face.
As much as you did like him, the prospect of starting something with a customer who was also your professor was still terrifying. What if you two got together and people found out? Or what if things started to go south and you were still stuck with him as your teacher?
Despite your other schoolwork, and cleaning basically everything you possibly could, your mind just kept racing with every different possible scenario for if you did tell Baekhyun how you felt. And most of them were quite unpleasant. He could lose his job, you could make class absolute hell for yourself if things didn’t go well, and so on. Different possibilities played themselves out in your mind over and over, and there was little you could do to stop it.
However the thoughts that stuck with you the most were the ones where things didn’t end badly. Thoughts of his arms around you, his comforting words whispered in your ear, and the gentle touches of his pretty hands on your skin. As much as you fought it, the attraction was there.
The way your mind bounced between thoughts was stressful to no end. Every time you tried reasoning with yourself, you just thought about how good he made you feel when you were alone together.
Baekhyun was always so willing to be vulnerable with you, it made you feel appreciated. He was so open about his feelings, and honest with his intentions towards you that it made it difficult to push him away. You wanted to be able to show him the same kind of vulnerability as well, but the possibilities if you did still frightened you too much.
You knew you wouldn’t be able to go on like this forever, sooner or later you had to figure out what to say to him.
Your essay was plaguing you as well. You’d tried to start it on several occasions, but Plato’s writing was so old timey and incomprehensible you didn’t even know where to start. It also didn’t help that every time you tried to start writing, all you could think about was what Baekhyun would think. The idea of turning a shitty paper in for him to read and grade made you feel sick. You knew you were shooting yourself in the foot putting it off but you just couldn’t bring yourself to start it either.
“You’ve cleaned everything in the apartment. Twice. What’s with you today y/n?” Mia asked as she walked out of her bedroom and into the common area, finding you once again wiping down all the surfaces in the kitchen.
“I’m trying to distract myself, was that not obvious?” You knew what was coming next.
“Baekhyun still on your mind?”
Yes. He was. In every possible way, good and bad, and you couldn’t stop it.
“I think I do like him.”
“See! I knew it!” You rolled your eyes at her. “Anything exciting happen yesterday? Did you decide to keep the money?” She asked, sitting down at the dining room table, you sitting down across from her.
“I’m keeping it, I tried giving it back but he told me some stuff and turns out he doesn’t need it after all.”
“So he IS rich?!”
“Yeah... although not from anything cool or fun. His rich parents died recently.”
“Oh shit, that sucks. That must’ve been an awkward conversation.”
“Not really. I don’t know why but talking to him is getting easier and easier. I even stayed after he told me I could go.”
“You really must like him then, damn. Can’t blame you though, he is hot.” You shot her an angry look but you both knew she was right. “So what are you gonna do about it?”
“Do about what?”
“You liking him. He obviously likes you a lot too, so what happens next?”
“Nothing. He’s my professor.”
The look she shot you next said something reminiscent of ‘are you fucking serious’.
“Oh come on y/n this guy is hot, and rich, and super into you. Even if he is your professor you can’t pass up a fling at least.”
“And when it ends? What then? Or if someone finds out he’s fucking a student? He’d lose his job and it would be my fault.”
“No, it would be his fault, and he’s rich anyway so it wouldn’t even matter.”
You thought back to your last conversation with Baekhyun, and what he said about his parents. Even if he did choose to risk it for you, the thought of him losing a job that meant so much to him still didn’t sit right with you.
“It would matter to me. Either way I don’t want other students shit talking me either. If my classmates found out there was something between us it would be hell.”
“All I'm hearing right now, is that you just need to not get caught. The semester is only 16 weeks, as long as nothing gets out while you’re in his class nothing too bad can happen. You just have to be careful.”
You thought about it, and she wasn’t exactly wrong. As long as nothing got out while you were his student, nothing too bad could happen.
“He won’t lose his job if people find out we’re together later on when I’m not his student anymore, right?”
Mia shrugged. “He doesn’t hold any power over you anymore then so I don’t see why he’d get in any trouble. People might just think it’s weird since he’s older. How old is he anyway? He looks young.”
“I’m not exactly sure... Somewhere around 30? Late 20s maybe? I should ask him.”
“Yeah you should. I still have homework I need to do, I should get back to that.” She said before getting herself a glass of water and retreating back to her bedroom.
~
The next morning you were exhausted. You hadn’t gotten much sleep because of everything that was going through your head. You wanted Baekhyun, and he wanted you, but there was still too much risk involved. But part of you kept thinking about what Mia had said as well. Could a fling really be that bad?
You were nervous to see him too. You still hadn’t given him an answer to his question, and you knew you wouldn’t be able to dodge it forever. Lying seemed like a decent option, but you knew with how honest and vulnerable Baekhyun always was with you, you wouldn’t be able to bring yourself to lie to him. Especially when you did want something more with him, you were just scared.
As philosophy class drew closer and closer you felt uneasy. You felt bad seeing Baekhyun again without giving him an answer, but you didn’t know how or what to say. You only hoped he wouldn’t press you for it.
Class went by and you didn’t speak to him. He didn’t keep you after either, which was a relief. You had been hoping he’d at least go over some stuff that would help you on your essay, but you had no such luck, and you needed it done by midnight if you wanted any credit.
When you got home you cursed yourself for procrastinating so much, but you had other homework too and you knew you’d be able to focus on that better, so you started it first.
Eventually your mind got sucked into your physics assignment, and you forgot about Baekhyun and the essay, too focused on the task at hand.
By the time you were done with your other assignments it was 8pm. Four hours until you had to submit your essay. One hour went by just reading and rereading the text you were supposed to write about. Another was wasted on an intro paragraph you kept deleting, because you still couldn’t understand the text. When 10pm hit, and you started to panic.
You realized that you weren’t going to be able to do it. Your mind was now in freak out mode and you couldn’t concentrate anyway. Either the paper wasn’t getting turned in at all, or you needed to do something fast. In any other class you would’ve BS-ed your way through it to turn at least something in, but you just couldn’t do that knowing Baekhyun was going to read it. You weren’t going to be able to submit it that night, but you needed to at least contact him and explain so he wouldn’t think you were stupid.
By 10:30 you found yourself scrolling through your contacts, staring at his name. You’d thought about emailing him, but he probably wouldn’t see until morning and you didn’t have that much time.
In hindsight you probably would’ve been fine to just send an email and try to get an extension, but the combination of anxiety over your grade and wanting to talk to him had his name in your phone looking better and better.
So you called.
Your nerves were on fire as you waited for him to hopefully pick up. Was this stupid? Would he even answer? Worst of all, what if he was disappointed in you for not being able to do the assignment?
After a few rings, he picked up. “Hello?”
“Hi Baekhyun, it’s y/n.”
“Y/n? Are you alright what’s going on?” You could hear the concern in his voice even over the phone, and you remembered why he gave you his number in the first place.
“I- I can’t do the essay.” You felt your voice shake, before unloading all your grievances in one breath “I read the thing a million times and I still have no idea what it’s about and I put it off until tonight cause it was making me so anxious but I still can’t focus and now it’s too late and I don’t know what to do and I’m freaking out.”
You heard him sigh. “Slow down, It’s okay, I know it’s a difficult assignment. Have you at least started?”
“No..” You felt tears swelling in your eyes, threatening to spill and you’re sure he can hear it in your voice even over the phone. “Can I just skip this one? I tried to start it so many times but I don’t know how to analyze something I can’t even understand.” You choked out.
“Y/n...” You could tell he was thinking of what to do. He probably shouldn’t give you special treatment, and you knew that but right now you hoped he would just give in. Unfortunately you had no such luck. “I’m sorry but I can’t let you just not do it. It would make it too obvious that I’m treating you differently than other students.”
“Then can you at least help me? Or give me more time? Please?” You begged.
“I’m still in my office. I can help you if you meet me here.”
You felt your palms get sweaty and your heart beat faster at the idea of going to his office again after what had happened last time, especially this late at night and in such a fragile state.
“O-okay. I’ll be there in 10. Bye.” You said, hanging up before he could respond.
Quickly you got on some shoes and drove yourself to the building his office was located in. Last time you’d been in there he’d asked you about your feelings for him, and now you had to go back. You told yourself to just focus on getting the essay done, but the thought still hung around in the back of your mind as you walked down the hall towards Baekhyun’s office. You felt jittery and embarrassed, but you needed to do this for your grade.
After taking a few deep breaths to ready yourself, you knocked on the door, and heard a muffled “Come in” from the other side, so you let yourself in. Baekhyun was sitting at his desk, which was covered in papers you assumed he’d been grading. Instead of the nicer clothes he would usually wear during lecture, he was just wearing a black t shirt and sweats now.
“You know you scared the shit out of me when you called. I thought you were in danger or something.” He said to you as you sat down in front of him. “I really didn’t think you’d call me over school work.”
“I’m sorry..”
“It’s okay! I’m not mad or anything, just surprised. What part of the text are you having trouble with?”
“All of it...” You felt your lip starting to quiver. “I’m sorry I know this sounds so stupid and you probably think I’m just trying to take advantage of how you like me but I promise it’s not like that.” You said, looking down and fidgeting with your hands, trying to hide the frustration on your face.
Baekhyun crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair, smiling. “I never said I thought that. I told you it’s not an easy assignment, it’s ok if you’re having trouble. Plato can be difficult especially for people who aren’t used to reading things that old.”
“I should’ve at least started earlier...”
“Probably, but it’s too late to dwell on that now. Let’s just try to go over the reading together, yeah?” You nodded.
He moved his chair to your side of the desk before opening your textbook to the reading for the essay.
“So the first thing that makes The Ring of Gyges so confusing is that you don’t really know who’s talking. Basically it’s a conversation between Plato and his brother Glaucon where they’re discussing justice, and it’s actually Glaucon speaking for most of it, not Plato.”
You were listening to what he was saying of course, but you were still distracted by the proximity. Baekhyun was sitting right next to you now, arms almost touching. The only other time the two of you got that close was at the club. And you did not need to be thinking about that while he was explaining your assignment to you.
“Are you following me so far?”
Your eyes immediately shot up from the book to meet his, and you quickly nodded. Having him look you in the eyes again like that made your face feel hot.
“Glaucon argues that people only peruse justice for the benefits of it, and not because they actually want to be good people. He uses the example of a ring that grants it’s user invisibility, therefore allowing them to do unjust things like steal without being caught. He tells Plato a story about a man who finds such a ring and uses it do overthrow the king.”
You groaned. “It still doesn’t make sense though, what does some story about a stupid ring have to do with justice?”
“Well, if you were given the ability to steal and deceive people for your own benefit, without ever having to worry about getting caught, wouldn’t you do it too?” You stayed silent. “Basically, what you need to understand is what Glaucon is arguing. He’s saying that doing good deeds isn’t a part of human nature, and everyone would behave unjustly if they knew they would never get caught. Therefore, justice is something people pursue not out of want, but out of fear of the consequences if they don’t.”
All you could do was stare at him. It was infuriating how attractive he sounded while explaining it to you.
“Do you have a bit of a better idea what to write about now? Remember it’s only two pages, so don’t stress too much.”
You snapped yourself out of your thoughts. “Yeah, it makes a bit more sense now... do I still need to finish it tonight or?”
“Friday. Just email it to me by midnight on Friday and I won’t count it late.” He said, smiling again.
“Thank you for doing this, I’m sorry it was so late and everything.”
Baekhyun just chucked, “You know if it’s you I don’t mind. You could keep me here all night with questions and I wouldn’t stop you. But you understand now, right?”
The way he was smiling at you now along with the closeness was making you slightly dizzy.
“I think so, Glaucon is basically saying that injustice is better than justice then right? Because everyone would do unjust things if they’d always get away with it.”
Baekhyun nodded.
“So according to him the best way to live life would be to do things you know are wrong, but without being caught.”
“Exactly. See, I knew you were smart, y/n.” A smirk had made its way onto his face as he spoke.
You couldn’t help connecting what he was saying to what you were feeling inside towards him. You wanted him, and you knew it was wrong, but how could you deny it to yourself when it felt so right?
“Baekhyun...” You asked, hesitantly. “D-do you think it’s okay to do things you know are wrong, as long as no one finds out?”
“I think it depends what you’re talking about.” He answered, now looking you in the eyes again with intensity. “I would never kill anyone, for any reason, even if I knew I could get away with it. But, if I really wanted something, I think I would take it.”
You were hyperaware of how his eyes were now scanning your face, lingering on your lips. “Take what?”
A hand made contact with your thigh, slowly moving up until he stopped, right below the hem of your shorts. His thumb drew soft circles on the sensitive inner flesh, giving you goosebumps.
“I know you feel it too, you want this, don’t you?” Baekhyun asked, now moving a stand of hair out of your face. He let his hand rest on the back of your neck, keeping you facing towards him.
Your heart felt like it was about to short circuit from how fast it was beating. Your palms were sweaty and you could feel yourself shaking slightly. The way his thumb stroked your neck beneath your ear made you shiver, and you knew he saw. All you could do was stare back at him, dumbfounded. Any words you tried to get out stuck in your throat. He was right, you did want it. Now more than ever.
“Tell me you don’t want this. Tell me you don’t want me to kiss you right now. I dare you.” He said, running his thumb over your bottom lip, eyes fixed on how it trembled beneath his touch. He was slowly moving your face closer his, but you didn’t stop him.
Your silence told Baekhyun all he needed to know, and his lips quickly found yours. Immediately you let yourself melt into the kiss. You felt your whole body buzzing, finally getting what it had wanted for so long. His lips felt unbelievably soft against yours, moving in a slow rhythm as his other hand came up from your thigh to cup your face as well. You wrapped your arms around his neck and deepened the kiss, letting it become messier and more desperate.
“I like you” you pulled away just enough to whisper “so fucking much.” You felt him grin into the kiss as your lips met again.
He tasted like strawberries, and you felt high as your lips kept crashing together with more and more need. Your whole body felt like it was set on fire and simultaneously dunked in an ice bath, every nerve vibrating with want.
When Baekhyun pulled your bottom lip gently between his teeth you let out a soft moan, and he started to lose it. He broke the kiss, standing up and pulling with him, before backing you up against the wall, a hand on either side of your head.
“Sweetheart, don’t push me” He breathed, and started peppering kisses along the side of your neck, from under your ear down to your collarbone, sucking and biting on the way.
Trapped between him and the wall, you felt weak and breathless. Your brain was in overdrive and you gasped at his ministrations, hands burying themselves in his soft hair. His hands had traveled down to your waist, holding you against him tightly.
“Baekhyun” You breathed out, rubbing your thighs together as he sucked on a particularly sensitive spot.
“Fuck, y/n. Don’t say that.” He forced the words out through gritted teeth.
His body pressed you into the wall, and your arms wrapped around him pulling him into you even tighter. He was completely consuming your senses and your knees felt wobbly from the intensity of it all. He was already smothering your entire front, but you tried to pull him even closer regardless.
You felt something hard press into your hip as his mouth covered yours again, and this time you shamelessly moaned his name into his open mouth.
Much to your disappointment, Baekhyun immediately detatched himself from you, backing up until his back hit the opposite wall of the office. You could see how turned on he was by the outline of his dick through his pants and the pained look in his face.
“Fucking christ...” He said, leaning his head back against the wall and closing his eyes. You just watched from the other side of the room. He kept his eyes closed and you observed as his jaw clenched and unclenched before you heard him continue. “You have to go. If you don’t I’m gonna fuck you on my desk and I won’t be gentle.”
Your throat went dry at his crude words, but you couldn’t deny your own arousal. You walked back towards him, reaching out to touch his chest which was now rising and falling rapidly, but he grabbed you before you could make contact. His grip on your wrist was so tight it was almost painful. His knuckles were white, and you could see a drop of sweat trickle down the side of his face.
His eyes bore into your own with a stare that warned you not to try anything more.
“I’m sorry y/n but you have to leave. Not tonight. Not like this.” With his free hand he grabbed your belongings off his desk, shoving them into your arms.
Still speechless, he opened the door and pulled you outside before going back in and closing the door behind him. You stood and stared at his office door for a minute, recollecting yourself and processing what the hell had just happened.
Eventually your shaky legs began making their way down the hallway, back towards your car. You were pretty sure a janitor saw you as you turned the corner just down the hall from Baekhyun’s office. You kept your head down, trying to hide your face best you could while hurrying past.
Once you were sitting in your car, you slumped into the seat, mind still in a daze after what happened in Baekhyun’s office. You waited for your breathing and heartrate to slow down before you drove away.
Baekhyun left shorty after you as well, unable to concentrate on anything but the sound of you moaning his name. He felt terrible for throwing you out of his office but he’d meant what he said. He didn’t want his first time to have you to be in his office, purely fueled by pent up lust. He wanted to give you more than that.
More than anything, he just couldn’t believe he’d gotten what he’d wanted for the entire summer. It didn’t seem possible, but now it had happened. And you actually kissed him back. It felt too good to be true. He felt himself once again struggling to sleep, but this time because he was too excited. This time, he didn’t have to keep himself up wondering, he knew he had you. He just couldn’t wait to see what would happed now.
You on the other hand couldn’t stop worrying about that exact thing as you stared at the ceiling above your bed. What would happen now? The thoughts weren’t fearful anymore, there was just too many of them to shut your mind down enough to sleep.
You’d finally allowed yourself to give into him, and there was no more turning back.
Next Chapter
287 notes
·
View notes
Text
Just A Black Coffee
Warning(s) ⇾ profanity,
Pairing ⇾ kuroo x gn!reader
Genre ⇾ fluff and some angst, college au, mini-series
WC ⇾ 3.1k
Summary ⇾ You just got out of a toxic relationship and now you need a new place to stay. Your friend just so happens to know someone who’s looking for a roommate who can help out with the rent for the apartment.
AN: @luv4sakusa wanted to be included in my story so bad so I put her in 😒
j.a.b.c master list || next chapter
Ch. 1: New Encounters
It was two in the morning, you and your boyfriend were in a heated argument. You had just caught him cheating on you, but he was trying to deny it. “Why won’t you just fucking admit it!” Your throat was hurting from screaming so much. “I saw you on the couch with her and you dare to tell me that it was nothing!” Truth be told, you had known for a while now that something was going on, but you were in denial. You didn’t want to believe that your boyfriend of five years would do something like that. Yet here you are right now, confronting him. “Omg, you’re overreacting. I was just--” you cut him off “YOU WHAT? HUH? YOU TRIPPED AND YOUR TONGUE ACCIDENTALLY SLIPPED INTO HER MOUTH?” You didn’t want to start crying, yet your body said otherwise. He stared at you in silence before you stomped off to the bedroom.
“Y/n what are you doing?” “Isn't it obvious? I’m packing my shit and breaking up with you.” You were shoving your things into your suitcase not bothering to fold any of your clothes. He scoffs, “Really? Where are you gonna go then?” “Anywhere without you seems good.” You had no clue where to go, all you knew was that you didn’t want to be near Daisho for another second.
You zipped up your suitcase and pushed past him. He forcefully grabbed your arm causing you to turn around. “You can’t just leave me y/n,” he says almost menacingly. “I think I fucking can when I have a pretty valid reason.” You yanked your arm away from him and walked out of the apartment leaving him alone with the girl. As soon as you were out, you felt a sense of relief, but that soon went away as you realized that those five years you spent together were nothing. And your heart starts to ache even more the further you walk away.
_______________________________________________
You were sat on a park bench, the autumn winds nipping at your nose. You looked at your phone and the time read 2:31 am. ‘I shouldn’t have left while it was this cold’ You go to your contacts and call your best friend Abby. “Y/n?” she says in a raspy voice. “What’s wrong, why are you up right now?” You sigh before telling her everything that happened.
“So, yea I was wondering if I could crash at your place for a bit.” “Bitch of course you can! Fuck Daisho, his bitch-ass doesn’t deserve you.” You chuckle at her string of curses. “I’ll be over soon.” “Okayyy be safe.”
You were thankful for having a friend like Abby. You stood up from the bench and made your way over to her apartment. You needed to start finding a place for yourself soon because you didn’t want to mooch off of your friend for too long. You knew she wouldn’t mind having you stay, but you didn’t want to be too much of a burden because she lived in a pretty small space. You got on the bus that led to her address and looked up some websites for apartment listings to pass the time.
_______________________________________________
By the time you arrived at her place, it was already 3 am. You knocked on her door waiting for her to come and open it. You wait there for a few minutes before the door slowly cracks open. “Hey hun,” she says with her eyes partially open. She invites you in and leads you to the living room to set your things down.
“You can put your suitcase over here and there are some toiletries in the closet if you need them.” “Thanks, Abby, you’re the best.” “Of course, you know I’d do anything for you.” “Yea I know.” “So how ya holdin’ up?” You stared at her in silence for a moment trying to recollect your thoughts. You thought you had cried it all out while you sat in the park earlier, so you were surprised when you felt tears streaming down your face.
You didn’t want to cry over this anymore, but your emotions got the better of you. You held your head in your hands and kept sobbing, unable to stop the emotions from pouring out. Abby came over to your side and hugged you. She didn’t say anything. She just let you cry it out until you were able to compose yourself. Deep down she always had a bad feeling about Daisho ever since the day you announced you two were dating. She just didn’t want to say anything because you were so happy. To her, it felt like she was overstepping her boundaries.
“Ok, I think I’ve cried about this enough for today.” “Well shit, I thought I was gonna have to hear you cry until class started.” You chuckled. “Oh shut up.” “I think it’s time we both go to bed, otherwise we’ll pass out from sleep deprivation in class.” She gets up and brings you some pillows and blankets. She bids you goodnight before going back to her room. You were glad she went back to her room because you didn’t want her to see you crying still. You felt bad that you called her so late so you told her to go to bed. You spent that night crying until you finally fell asleep.
_______________________________________________
You woke up at 7 am, eyes still sore from all the crying you did. You felt so drained, but you had to get up and get ready for your classes. Getting up from the couch, you fold the blankets and place them neatly to the side. You open your suitcase and take out your clothes and some toiletries before heading off to the bathroom.
You saw your reflection in the mirror and were startled at the image before you. Eyes all red and puffy and hair all tangled and sticking up. ‘Yikes,’ you thought. You quickly detangle your hair and wait for the shower to heat up.
When you get out, you quickly dry yourself off and change into a fresh pair of clothes. After getting dressed and drying your hair, you met Abby at the kitchen for breakfast.
“You gonna be okay going to school?” she questions while grabbing two plates, placing one in front of you. You take a seat at the counter and fix yourself some of the food she prepared. “I’m not gonna let this whole break up ruin my studies alright. I just have to hold myself together during the day and break down when I get home,” you say with a strained smile. She rolls her eyes at your remark and takes the seat next to you.
“I swear if I see him I’m gonna--” you interrupt, “You’re going to walk away and not cause any drama.” She looks at you with an unamused face. “I’m serious, I don’t want any drama. I said what I said and I have no reason to talk to him anymore.” She turns back to her food before responding. “Okay fine.” You shake your head as you see the look of disappointment on her face. “I’ll be fine, promise.”
You two finished up your food and grabbed your things for school. Both of you rushed to the train station so you wouldn’t be late for class. You were still in anguish over the events that happened, but you were trying your hardest to ignore those feelings so you could focus on your studies. You were anxious about running into him because you felt like you would start crying again if you did. You didn’t want to have a whole breakdown in school.
You pushed all those thoughts in the back of your head as you reached the front of the school. “I have my club meeting after school so you’re gonna be going home by yourself.” “That’s fine I have my part-time job today.” You bid your goodbyes as the both of you head to your respective classes.
_______________________________________________
You head to the back of the classroom and take a seat. You didn’t feel like socializing with anyone at the moment. Mainly because you didn’t want anyone to notice how red your eyes were. You had tried to cover it up as best as you could but to no avail. You decided to look for more apartment listings as you wait for the professor to come to class. All the ones you found were either too expensive or looked like they would fall apart the second you walked in. Finally, the professor walks in and begins the class.
You barely paid attention during the lecture. You were so tired from basically having zero hours of sleep and stressing out over how you were going to find a place to live. You weren’t that close with anyone in your class so you couldn’t even ask them for help. You had zoned out for the majority of the class. The only thing that you obtained from the lecture was that you had a research paper due in the two weeks that was worth 25% of your grade.
You feel a buzz from your phone and you look down to see what it was.
*Message from Abby*
Abby: “Hey y/n, I just wanted to let you know my boyfriend is coming over later to hang, but don’t worry we won’t make you a third wheel :)”
Y/n: “If I walk in on both you being whores, I’ll kick you out of your apartment--”
Abby: “Whatever”
You turn your phone off and try to pay attention to the last ten minutes of the lecture.
_______________________________________________
School was finally over and you quickly met with Abby to tell her that you might be coming home late because you had to cover for your coworker. “Okay, just remember to be safe, you never know what sketchy ass guy is gonna be around.” “Don’t worry I know how to take care of myself. I didn’t take those self-defense classes for no reason.” She waves goodbye as she heads over to meet with her club.
You walked over to the convenience store where you worked that was only a couple of blocks away from your school. You liked taking the night shifts because it was usually the least busy and it meant you could do some homework. That being said, you also had your fair share of creeps and drunks. You had bought pepper spray just in case anything happens. Though you hoped that you wouldn’t have to use it.
When you arrived, the worker there got up to leave so you could take over. You didn’t have much to do. Your main tasks consisted of restocking shelves, mopping the floors, and managing the register. When it was just you in the store it kind of felt peaceful. Sometimes you’d just observe the people who walk by and other times you’d be lost in thought. However this time, you wanted to be away from your thoughts. You tried to put on some music to drown out your thoughts. For a while, it was working until you saw your ex walking hand in hand with the girl he cheated on you with. You were enraged at the sight. How could he move on so easily, while you were still stuck on it? Were you overreacting? Were you the only one who cared about the relationship? All these negative thoughts started to flood in. You were brought back to reality when you heard the bell from the door ring, signaling that a customer was there. You quickly brush off those thoughts and greet the customer. The last hour and a half went into cleaning the floors and doing a little bit of homework.
By the time you finished your shift, the sun had completely disappeared. Although you were confident in your self-defense skills, you would still be nervous about walking home alone. You made sure that you had your pepper spray with you before locking up. You quickly shoot Abby a text saying that you were done with work and were on your way to the apartment.
_______________________________________________
Upon your arrival home, you were greeted by a very loud and energetic guy, who you assumed to be Abby’s boyfriend. You were caught off guard by his liveliness, especially since it was pretty late. “Y/n, this is Bokuto, my boyfriend.” “Bo, this my friend that I was talking to you about.” You exchanged hellos before you went to the bathroom to freshen up.
“Y/n I just solved all your problems,” your best friend announces to you as you exit the bathroom. “Uh how exactly?” you question with one eyebrow raised. “Bo, tell her” she nudges her boyfriend. You sat down next to them on the couch waiting for his response. “So, Abby told me how you’re looking for a place and I happen to know someone who’s looking for a roommate to share the rent.” Your eyes lit up immediately. “Omg really?!” you ask in excitement. “Yup, I can--” you interrupt “I’ll take it.” Both of them were startled by your immediate acceptance.
“Damn y/n, you hate me that much.” You roll your eyes at her remark. “You know that’s not the reason why I wanna leave.” You turn back to Bokuto to ask who this person is just to make sure it wasn’t some sketchy weirdo. “He’s a friend of mine from high school, he goes to the same college as us. He’s a marketing major.” “Okay, he seems fine.” “Yea, I’ll tell him that you’re interested, and I can set up a time for you guys to get acquainted.” You were kind of excited to meet your potential new roommate. You just hoped that he wasn’t going to be an asshole like your ex. “Thanks so much, Bokuto.” “No problem y/n” he flashes a friendly smile.
After a few hours of hanging out with each other, Bokuto had to go. Before leaving he gave you the address of the apartment, Kuroo’s contact information, and his own. He said he would tell you when Kuroo would be able to meet with you. “Aren’t you glad to have such an amazing friend like me?” she asks smugly. “Uhh if I’m not mistaken it was Bokuto who knows Kuroo not you.” you tease. “Okay, but who was the one who introduced you to him? Me exactly.” The both of you started laughing. “Ok, but seriously thank you for doing this. I’ll treat you to ramen sometime.” “You better.”
_______________________________________________
A week has passed since that day, and Bokuto finally texted you saying that Kuroo was able to meet. You were waiting in anticipation. You were hoping that he didn’t already find someone else during that week of waiting. A wave of relief washed over you when you received Bokuto’s message with the details for the meeting. “So when are you seeing him?” she asks from the kitchen. “Today at 4.” You had about an hour to get ready. “Are you nervous?” “Yes and no,” you respond. “I just hope he doesn’t reject me,” you say while trying to pick out an outfit. “Bo said that he’d be fine with anyone as long as they’re able to pay the other half.” “Do you know anything about him?” you inquire hoping to get a little more information before meeting him. “The only thing Bo has told me is that they’ve known each other since high school and were rival teams for volleyball. Other than that, I’m as clueless as you.” You give her a slight nod.
You finally picked out your outfit and went to go change. “Does this look okay?” She turns around to see what you had on. “Yea you look great.” You go back into the bathroom to look at yourself in the mirror one more time. “ARE YOU SURE?” you yell. “YES STOP WORRYING, YOU LOOK FINE!” she yells back. You leave the bathroom to grab your bag and head to the cafe. “Wish me luck,” you sigh. “Relax, it’s not a life or death situation,” she jokes. You wave goodbye and head over to the cafe, hoping that you wouldn’t arrive late.
_______________________________________________
You walk into the cafe scanning the area to see if he was there. You didn’t even know what he looked like so there was no point in trying to look. You feel a buzz from your pocket. You take your phone out to see a message from Kuroo.
Kuroo Tetsurō: “By the window.”
You look up to see a guy with spiky hair sitting by the window looking at you. You could feel his gaze piercing through you. Your heart started to race. You walked over hoping he wouldn’t notice how nervous you were. “Hey gorgeous,” he says with a smirk. “What’s your name?” His forwardness caught you off guard. “Uh I’m y/n,” you say as you took the seat across from him. “Can I get you something to drink?” he asks. “A black coffee is fine.” He gets up to order the drinks. As he gets up, you catch yourself admiring his looks but you quickly brush it off, especially when he’s going to be your future roommate. Besides you just got out of a relationship. Just as you brushed it off, he comes back with the drinks.
“So why do you wanna be my roommate?” he asks you and you reply with “I just really need a place to live right now, I promise I’ll be a good roommate, and make sure to give the payments on time.” “Whoa whoa whoa there, I just asked for a reason not a whole life story,” he says in a teasing manner. You sit there, cheeks flushed with embarrassment. “Sorry didn’t mean to embarrass you, sweetheart.” Little did he know that it made you feel even more flustered. ��Uhmm it’s fine,” you reply. Trying to ease the conversation from what just happened, you say in a cocky manner, “So do you want me or not?” Causing a chuckle to escape his lips.
“This is going to be interesting.”
#haikyuu#haikyu fanfiction#haikyuu x reader#haikyu x gn!reader#hq kuroo#kuroo tetsuro fluff#kuroo tetsurou#kuroo x reader#kuroo x gn reader#kuroo fluff#haikyuu college au#kuroo#haikyuu kuroo#haikyuu fluff#kuroo angst#haikyuu angst#haikyuu!!#haikyuu!#haikyu x gn#haikyuu x y/n#kuroo x y/n#kuroo tetsuro x you#kuroo tetsurō#kuroo tetsuro x yn#kuroo fic#kuroo tetsuro fic#dontshow
79 notes
·
View notes
Text
How do I get out of this unsatisfying life I’m living?
Anonymous asks: So the thing is that I feel incredibly stuck - I have all the basics of life which I'm grateful for but also that was my BIG dream as a kid, to get tf out of my parents' house - but now I have that and idk what to do for the rest of my life. Like, if I try those "visualize your future" things I'm just like, "I'd like to sleep for a month, maybe longer" & it feels like I don't really WANT anything so I can't plan, you know? Just flailing here honestly. Pretty tired of it.
I wrote back: I got your question. To pinpoint my answer a little better, can you tell me about your current situation, like how long has it been since you moved out? Which are the things you have in order to your satisfaction? Some vague idea of your age range would also be helpful, but I can work without it too if you’d rather not share.
Anonymous answered: Ah, sorry. I was trying to fit in the character limit & also whenever I think about this my mind just goes flbbbbth. It's been about 5 years? That's about the only thing I'm truly HAPPY about, I'm not thrilled with my social/love life, career, etc & have pretty much been just coasting tbh. I'm almost 30. Thanks for entertaining this.
Alright, thanks for adding some background. I will come at this from different angles and you can pretty much pick and choose what sounds helpful and leave the rest, okay?
First, while there are people who have it all figured out, methodically planning their next career step or fully certain that there is no greater joy than raising a child, there are tons of other people who just, to quote, go „ flbbbbth“ when asked about their next steps or, god forbid, their life plan. I would say I fall in the latter camp, but I don’t mind because I think there is nothing wrong with that. I let myself be guided by the things I need to be happy (more on that later) and by current necessities – if my job becomes shit, I need to find a new job. If a friendship goes sour, I need to end it respectfully. But I couldn’t tell you specific career or personal goals, except...
... let’s talk about the „later“ now.
I’m an organizer, maybe even a worrier, and therefore I like lists. And for that reason I made a list a while ago that I still have and expect to keep for a long time. It is a list of everything that I need to be satisfied with my life. It consists of 29 entries and has three of them checked, though several others could be counted as half-checked. I wrote down everything that came to mind, paying no attention whether it was reasonable or feasible to want. That wasn’t the question.
It covers stuff like a clean flat (not checked), restful sleep (not checked), friends that I see regularly (checked) or a job with purpose (not checked). This list is my guide. Well, generally my needs are my guide, but it can be hard to be aware of your needs sometimes, so I got this list. And if I wonder what I need or want to focus on, I can turn to it and choose one of the entries and see what I can do about it. I can also look over the list every few years and see if things have developed in the right direction. Little progress is no reason to chastise myself, but helpful information to see whether I need to re-direct my focus.
Please note that I wrote „satisfied“, not „happy“. Being happy is a passing emotional state. It is completely normal and okay not to be happy all the time. But quiet satisfaction with where you are or where you are going, that is pretty achievable. It certainly is a process, but an enjoyable one.
This list is not a race and it is not really a to-do list because most of the things I wrote down aren’t easy to accomplish with a single action. They take months and years and, for some items, I can only try and hope it works out some day (see anybody who ever purposely looked for a partner).
So maybe this kind of list could be an exercise for you. Maybe it provides you with some insight, maybe it doesn’t. Maybe it’s not the right point in your life. But if you sit down and the only thing you can come up with is „cry forever“ or „sleep forever“ then, you know, that’s a sign.
Which brings me to my next point: Journaling or automatic writing. This method is especially helpful for those „I feel some kind of way and I couldn’t even tell you how“ moments – so maybe exactly where you are right now. Captain Akward has introduced me to a website called „750 words“ and I’ve used the principle of „morning pages“, though not the website, since then whenever I felt like some emotions were starting to boil over.
I sit down, ideally in the morning, and just barf it all on the (digital) page. There are only two rules: 1) Don’t edit or judge yourself, write everything as it comes to mind (that’s the automatic writing part) and 2) Don’t stop before you’ve reached 750 words. You are not looking to write anything readable or clever or lyrical, you’re looking to get all the weirdness out so you can move on. Repeat this as many days as you feel queasy or weird or confused or angry or sad. Each day, as soon as you’ve reached the 750 words, you can walk away. Heck, you could even delete/burn the document if that feels right. It’s just about giving your thoughts the room they need so you can continue with your day, hopefully feeling somewhat relieved.
While we’re at writing, I also have a question for you: Where is the pressure coming from to „do something with your life“? Is it truly coming from inside you or are there outside factors? Are people in your life asking you when you’ll have kids? Do you live in a culture where it’s expected that everybody does something of note, works certain prestigious jobs? Do you compare yourself to the people around you and feel like you’re „late“?
Maybe mull this over on a leisurely walk or write about it, using the method above. No matter where it’s coming from, the feeling of pressure won’t go away just by knowing its origin, but the knowledge can help you keep it under control. And if you find it is truly your own wish, you will have tools to shape your life according to your needs.
So, next, sleep: Maybe do that?
You wrote "I'd like to sleep for a month, maybe longer". I understand this was half a joke, but also … it was probably more than a joke.
How are your energy levels? How does life feel? Are you trying to jog through jello most of these days?
If we’ve been overachievers or had a tough home life or needed to take care of ourselves pretty early, we can become accustomed to everything being difficult. This feeling and behavior can become a way of life, even when circumstances change and we have a chance to act differently.
Do you feel rested? Do you have regular moments of quiet in your life that let you breathe? If not, this is where I would start. Forget about lists, though morning pages might be a helpful accompanying tool (if they don’t become a task to punish yourself with if you don’t find the energy).
Take some weeks or months, maybe even a year to make rest your priority. You will have to find a way that works for you. Yes there is a lot of clinically proven stuff out there, but you will not see me do yoga or meditate. Though feel free if that’s up your alley. If you love cycling or taking photos or drawing or just plain lying on your bed and staring at the wall, see where you can add more of that to your day. Whatever brings you closer to yourself and makes you feel like you can exhale and stand still for a moment, that’s the way to go. Do this as long as sleeping seems like a fine choice. And for good measure maybe a month longer. You are ready to stop when you cannot wait to do something else goddamnit I’m bored!!! (you might say)
If you are in this picture, please start here. Any kind of life plan, next steps, strategizing, solving of riddles would set you back and perpetuate your exhaustion. Rest is not time wasted, rest is how you get your life back.
If you are in this picture, you will likely find that if you really pull through, if you truly rest, as long and boring or even scary as it may be, the other questions will probably have an intuitive answer afterwards. Not like „this is my 20-year career plan“, but „I feel like doing x this week“. And that is enough. Because you won’t need to strain to hear your needs through the fog of exhaustion anymore.
Finally, some practical information and links for when you do have the energy and inclination to tackle your job and social life. I am not saying you need to change anything if that’s not what you want to focus on. These are just some tips, in case they become relevant.
For your social life, I recommend what others have recommended before me: Pick an activity that you do with other people and stick with it long enough to become a familiar face, see also here and here (yes, meeting gay people is similar to meeting other people). If you try out new stuff, go there at least 5 or 6 times before you decide it’s not for you – of course assuming nothing bad is coming up like racist or abusive people in the group. Shop around if the first group/activity doesn’t work for you until you find something that you’d like to do permanently. Maybe you’ll gain some friends, maybe you’ll find a romantic opportunity. In any case, if it’s something fun that you like to do anyway, you will have found an outlet with a social group attached. It is absolutely not as easy right now, with Covid and all, but if nothing outdoors-y comes to mind, you could also use this time to brainstorm what sounds like fun for when things are safer again.
Of course you can also look at opportunities online, like Discord servers, online interest groups etc but I do understand if that’s just not appealing right now. I am certainly over sitting in front of a screen.
To round this up, don’t sneeze at contacts that you already have. Are there acquaintances, friends of friends, colleagues, family members who you would like to get to know better? Then go do that! Suggest a time and place to meet up and see how they react. Say yes to the potential friends.
Speaking of which...
The Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes might also be interesting. Sure, it’s a little pop culture positive thinking kinda stuff, but I did like the impulse it gave me to consider when I say no to opportunities out of anxiety or worry. It made me accept some social invitations from colleagues (… in the before times) that I would not have otherwise considered. I did not gain life-long friends, but I did learn another valuable info: That my FOMO wasn’t justified for these events ;)
It also lead me to the decision to do one new thing every month – visit a new place or try a new activity or cook a new food. If the concept sounds appealing, just think about what sounds interesting and achievable to you.
And finally, the advice blog recommendations that I’ll always have. For social life, love life, and general life planning turmoil: Captain Awkward. For everything job-related, including how to write a good cover letter or interview well and, of course, how to get out of the dreaded current job you have: Ask A Manager.
To sum it up:
1) Figure out if you even have the energy to tackle any of this right now.
2) Figure out your pillars for a satisfying life – nothing big and shiny, just … basic needs, wishes, social needs.
3) When you feel like it, pick what you want to tackle next and see where it leads you.
4) Stay flexible. This is your life and it’s okay to go where it takes you, even if it doesn’t look „cool“ or „impressive“ from the outside. All you need is to make it your own.
And if you want to, let me know how it goes some time. :)
20 notes
·
View notes
Text
Workout
note: alright, I just had to get the excitement about the #letsgetafterfit video out of my system. This is nothing but filth, I am so sorry
words: 1.3 k
warnings: rough smut, brief mentions of spanking, choking, slight exhibitionism
sorry for typos, enjoy
“That’s the right angle, perfect.” Chris said, adjusting the phone in your hands.
“Now just keep it like that and try to avoid moving to much or you’ll mess up the video.”
Your boyfriend had asked you to record him doing a workout tutorial in the back yard and as a supportive girlfriend, you had agreed. It was purely selfish, of course. You loved seeing Chris working out, seeing his physical strength reminded you of how easily he could manhandle you, something that turned you on to no ends.
“Chris, I know how to film something with a phone, I’m not stupid.” you replied, sticking out your tongue at him. “Now start your little workout session before it’s getting dark.”
“Don’t be cheeky, baby.”
+++
Saying you had difficulties holding still was an understatement.
“So, this is one is called the GOT” Chris explained, going down into a squatting position. His attention was on the camera, yours on the way the muscles of his legs tensed up with each movement.
Fuck, he looked so hot. He wore a shirt that stretched tightly over his pecs and arms, and if he moved in a certain way, you could swear that you saw the outline of his cock trough his loose sweat pants.
Chris’ deep groan as he did a particular straining exercise made a flash of heat shoot between your legs and you had to hold yourself back from jumping him right there.
Every passing minute made it more difficult for you to focus on your task of recording the whole workout. Soon, your single remaining thought was how to get Chris to rail you as quickly as possible. Seeing him all sweaty, his voice breathy and strained from exertion made you think of all the ways he could ruin you. You clenched your thighs together in an effort to get some friction on your aching pussy.
Chris raised his hand to signal you to stop recording.
"Why are you fidgeting like that, babe?” he asked, sounding a tad annoyed. “I want to upload this and the quality will be horrible if you don’t stop.” He looked at you with a frown. But when he saw the way you were biting your lip, basically undressing him with your eyes, realization flashed over his face.
“Behave.” he said in a low voice. “Be a good girl now and I will make it worth your while later.”
“Ok, fine.” You muttered in response, pouting a bit. Secretly, you enjoyed how he was calling you out in that authorative tone. Maybe you should try pushing him a little bit more, just to see what would happen.
Pausing the recording again, you looked at Chris, who immediately stopped the exercise he was doing.
“What’s up now, why did you pause?”
“Nothing, I’m just thinking about how bad I want you to fuck me.” You said bluntly, your voice filled with feigned innocence.
Chris eyes darkened and he took a step in your direction.
“Careful, baby.” He growled. “Didn’t I tell you to behave and wait? Loose that attitude, I don’t want to repeat myself.”
“You’re so right, we really need to continue filming now, I hope this” you pointed to the prominent bulge beginning to form in his sweat pants with a smug grin “is not bothering you too much while you get after fit or whatever.”
Hearing that was what made Chris snap. He threw the huge weight he had been working with on the ground and was onto you in two large strides. He took your face into his huge hand, his grasp on your jaw almost painfully tight. Your phone just fell to the ground as your body went limp under his touch.
“What do you wanna achieve, huh?” he snarled “You wanted to rile me up by acting like a little brat? Well, congrats, you did it, baby.”
Without warning , he picked you up and threw you over his shoulder as if you weighted nothing.
You tried to wiggle out of his iron-like grip, but not a chance. He just gave a sharp smack to your ass, and your squeal rang through the whole garden.
Chris carried you all the way to one of the huge deck chairs on the and unceremoniously dropped you onto it. His strong hands gripped the hem of your short yoga pants and just pulled them down your legs before you could even try to stop him.
“Chris.” You cried out, trying to clench your legs together. “What are you doing?”
But Chris was not having it, he grabbed your thighs and spread them, exposing your naked core to the chilly outdoor air.
“Isn’t that what you wanted the whole time?” he said with a cruel grin playing on his face, pressing his fingers to your naked core. “You didn’t even wear panties, baby, and your already dripping for me.”
A blush, part mortification, part arousal, crept over your face and you let out a needy whimper at the feeling of Chris’ fingers parting your wet folds, sliding into you with ease.
“That’s what you wanted, my fingers in your pussy, Y/N?” he asked smugly, crooking his digits inside you so you could only reply with a gasp.
“I’d like your dick better.” You moaned and gave the bulge inside Chris sweatpants a hard squeeze.
Chris swore under his breath, retreating his fingers to pull down his pants and underwear. His cock was heavy and hard, and you reached out, wanting to wrap your hand around it.
“Oh no, hands and knees.” Chris said sharply, delivering another smack to your naked ass. You quickly complied, and a second later, his hands grabbed your hips and the tip of his hard cock nudged at your entrance before he filled you with one hard thrust. He wasted no time and started slamming into you relentlessly, making you cry out.
“You fucking asked for this, baby.” He grunted, his fingers digging into your hips.
“Chris, slow down please. I can’t stay quiet, the neighbors might hear us.” You whined, your voice breaking every time Chris hit that perfect spot inside you.
“You should’ve thought about that before you acted like a fucking brat. You want attention and now you got it.” Chris growled, and reached out to wrap his huge hand around your throat. “Maybe this will help you to tone it down.”
The feeling of his grasp on your neck, combined with his hard thrusts, made your arousal skyrocket and your stained cries came out louder and louder. All worries about being heard were erased from your brain, the only thought left was Chris fucking you.
“Come on, Y/N.” Chris snarled. “Come on my cock like a good girl.” He deepened his strokes even more, slamming into you so hard you almost toppled off the deck chair.
His deep voice saying your name was everything you needed to reach your peak. Your orgasm was so powerful that your legs started shaking and you were thrashing against the forceful grasp Chris had on your hips.
“Shit, baby, you’re so tight. So fucking perfect.” Chris hissed through clenched teeth, and with one last deep thrust, he spilled his load inside of you.
As soon as Chris’ grip on you loosened, you almost fell forward, your limbs were giving out under you in the aftermath of your climax. But his strong arms wrapped around your mid and pulled you back against his chest.
“You’re happy now?” he murmured, kissing your neck affectionately. You nuzzled against him, totally satisfied.
“I am, but I’m also cold.” You chuckled. “Can we do the rest of the video inside?”
“Anything you want, baby.”
#chris cuomo#chris cuomo imagine#chris cuomo fanfiction#chris cuomo fic#chris cuomo x reader#cnn#cnn anchors#let’s get after fit#fanfiction
50 notes
·
View notes
Text
The Trespasser pt.7
You were on top of the world with the new title of leader of your family’s clan. You were the strongest clan in all of the orient and you were proud. But your family feels that there are threats still lurking around making you a target. When they introduce you to a potential man for a business and marriage merger will it help your clan or make matters worse?
Word count: 2.8k
Wonho x Reader, Shownu x Reader, Jooheon x Reader
You and Hoseok had decided to meet at your home so the two of you could finalize things and get the ball rolling on your marriage. And currently the two of you were sitting at your desk and sipping on coffee as you read through each of your terms and conditions that you wanted to add into the basic contract agreement. And as you waited for Hoseok to finish reading through so you could both ask any questions you watched him and admired his features.
His sharp nose and incredibly strong and built body was impressive and you would be lying if you said that you didn’t find him attractive. His lips were full, and his eyes were sharp and yet soft. And even on days like today, where he wasn’t necessarily dressed to kill but in everyday clothing, he still looked like the guy who would have the center of attention in any room that he walked in.
“do you have a habit of staring at people?” Hoseok asked you without even looking up at you
His words hadn’t even registered in your head as you continued to look at his figure and his features. You were staring at his hair when Hoseok realized that you were still looking and hadn’t heard him. He had raised his head up and sat back in his seat with his arms crossed. He gave you a small knowing smirk as you came eye to eye with him and gave him a confused look.
“what?” you asked confused as to Hoseok’s sudden demeanor
He let out a small chuckle and shook his head “nothing” he said softly “did you think that everything was okay?” he asked
“there was one thing I wanted to ask about” you said as you read through his terms and found the one that had slightly concerned you. “Party A reserves the right to end the contract with Party B at any time if Party B’s health declines or if he becomes unfit to perform daily tasks?” you ask as you read out the term
Hoseok gave you a polite smile and took a deep breath before he explained “you know of my health and the extensive surgeries that I have had. So if I were to get injured there is a large possibility that it could also cause some complications in some of my other older injuries.”
You stared at him waiting for him to continue. You had imagined that the clause would be something that was very important or detrimental to the marriage. Not some crap about him having an injury.
Hoseok stared back at you for a moment before he continued with his explanation. “and it could leave me bedridden and dependent on a caretaker…depending on how bad the injuries are.”
You took a moment to reflect on what he had just told you, and a small part of you also felt offended that he would think that him being injured could be an embarrassment or a burden to you. “so you think that I would just toss you away if you were to become injured?” you asked him
“no. I would hope that you wouldn’t, but I would understand that you might need to in a specific circumstance.” He elaborated
You stared at Hoseok as if he had a horn growing out of his head and wondered what had happened to make him think of such a thing. “Let me get one thing clear….” You stared before you continued, hoping that Hoseok would hear how serious you were “if you are to get injured during the contract I will not terminate it. While in term of the contract the two of us will be 50/50 partners and I will never leave one of my own just because they require more assistance or down time. None of your injuries will embarrass me, be a hinderance to me or make me feel superior to you.” You explained
Hoseok swallowed before he gave you one content head nod. And you didn’t know why but you felt like the injuries were definitely a sore spot for Hoseok. And perhaps it was the one thing that he felt insecure about. Maybe he felt that since he had injuries that made him more vulnerable and prone to accidents that he was broken goods or unfit.
“do you get a lot of injuries?” you asked him out of concern for his health and not the contract
Hoseok awkwardly dropped his attention from you to the floor and he shuffled his feet while he tried to avoid answering the question “I don’t get injuries per-say…but some days I wake up with terrible back pains.”
You nodded your head and gave Hoseok a small smile, showing him that you appreciate his openness and honesty. You quickly moved on to another topic so that Hoseok wouldn’t feel attacked or pitied, and bring the focus to yourself.
“is there anything that you needed clarification on from my conditions?” you asked him
Hoseok scanned over your added conditions and then smiled down at one “Party B should only engage in physical contact with Party A in conditions in which it necessary for the integrity of the marriage or when both parties consent.” He looked up at you with a crooked smile. “I understand the first half. But do you care to elaborate on ‘when both parties consent’?” he asked
You held in your laughter and thought to yourself of course mr. playboy had to remember that condition. “that is simply insurance for myself so that you know that any physical contact is to be kept to a minimum. As I have said already this marriage Is just on paper. So its there to make sure that you and I are both on the same terms.”
Hoseok smiled at you and gave you an awkward glance over. Is he upset right now? you could only see his disappointment for a split second before he wiped his emotions from his face, and returned to the smirky playboy.
“is there anything else that you want to look over before things are finalized?” you asked him to redirect the conversation
Hoseok finally leaned forward and flipped to the front of the contract where he found the specifics of the contract terms and dates. “I didn’t find the contract dates anywhere. Was there any time when you wanted to start the contract?”
“things will be official and start the day that we sign the contracts.” You answer
Hoseok gave you a bewildered look “so today? We will be married starting today?” he asked in disbelief
You smiled at him and nodded your head. He looked really cute when he was caught off guard and surprised. But you would never admit that to him. Compliments and small things like that would only confuse and complicate things.
“no ceremonies, no photos, no marriage certificate?” he asked
“of course we will have marriage certificates. All I have to do is give the official okay and they will be sent to us.” You elaborated “but the marriage photos, and ceremonies are of no use to me.”
“hmm” Hoseok hummed as he thought things over “my mom will be a bit bummed about there not being a ceremony, but this isn’t a typical marriage is it?!”
You nodded your head and looked down at your desk thinking things over. You didn’t want to have to do unnecessary things like marriage photos. Because, for all you knew you and Hoseok could end up on bad terms and such things lying around would just be thrown away…. But on the other hand you could understand that he wasn’t doing this for himself but for his parents and for the business. And with all personal feelings aside you also knew that it was something that could potentially come in handy. Plus, your mother would also more than likely be upset that there was no reception or photos.
You took a deep breath before you responded to hoseok’s mumbling. “I honestly don’t find the point in a ceremony, but if you would like to take marriage photos we can.”
Hoseok looked up to you and gave you a small smile. You could tell that he was surprised in you offering to do something more… marital, but when you sign the contract things are supposed to be 50/50. And if it means that taking a day to take marriage photos would make both parties and their families happy, then it was worth it.
“I think that would be nice. I mean I obviously can’t speak for you but I would like marriage photos to show the family.” He said softly while he looked at you with a glowing smile.
“Fine. We can schedule it.” You said returning his smile back.
You turned to look at your calendar on your computer and your phone and frowned when you noticed that you had a message from Minhyuk
Min: The boys and I are out doing some training at the warehouse. The house is empty for you and the Mr. to explore and look around
You didn’t know why but you had a sinking feeling about all of the men being outside of the house on purpose. It felt like they were speaking behind your back and that also means that Shownu and Jooheon would have been involved in the conversation. And you didn’t want to wave this in their faces any more than you absolutely had to.
“care to take a look around and get familiar with the place?” You offered to Hoseok as you pushed the negative thoughts out of your mind
Hoseok smiled and stood up from his seat and you quickly stood with him and then guided him through the office and around the house. You showed him every corner and allowed for him to enter every room and ask whatever questions that he wanted. He was impressed by the gym and the size of the industrial kitchen, and it was obvious that he was excited about moving in, despite there being multiple people who also live in the house with you. But you knew that it would be big changes for him since he had always lived with his family and clan. You were almost done showing him around the house until you came to the only wing left. The only room that you hadn’t shown him was your own and his.
“and this room will be yours if you approve” you said as you opened the door to the spare empty bedroom that sat just across from yours
You had stepped out of the way and watched as he walked inside, looking the walls up and down. He took the time to look inside the closets, check out the in-suite bathroom and come across the hidden door that led to his own panic room and office space.
“what is this?” he asked as he looked at the almost invisible seam on the walls
You stepped forward and smiled at him before you pulled the fake light panel out and revealed the wall opening touchpad. You turned to look at hoseok’s expression, but he was absolutely astounded by what he was witnessing and waited patiently for you to completely open the wall.
You tapped once on the screen and then put your finger on the touch pad, waiting to hear the familiar beep that it was unlocked. Only a moment later the secret door had come unlatched and you had eagerly pushed through it. Inside there was a small hallway that led to the secret office space and you waited for Hoseok inside.
“woah!” he said quietly in surprise as he walked through. “this is incredible!”
You chuckled “this is your secret office space. Though of course you can use it for whatever you want….and in the hallway there where you first came in the floor can be lifted and underneath there is a secret panic room”
Hoseok looked back to the hallway and smiled as he tried to find the giveaway that it was a secret passage. But when he couldn’t find anything he looked back at you in amazement. “this is incredible”
“yes. You’ve already said that!” you chirped back sarcastically. “so do you like it?” you asked him with a smile already knowing that he was in love with the house but the secret room had sealed the deal.
“are you kidding me?!” he laughed “my house is so dull compared to this. You know as a kid I knew that my dad had a panic room but I never got to go inside…. And I always wanted to just peek inside. But now I have my own!”
“let me know when you plan to move in and I can have your room arranged for you” you said nonchalantly
Hoseok smiled and tilted his head to the side “I can pretty much move in whenever…but there’s one more thing that I’m curious about”
You gave him a look of awareness, letting him know that you were open to whatever he wanted to know. He scanned your face and bit his lip as if he was unsure of whether or not he should press on with his curiosity. But without a second thought he asked.
“I haven’t seen your room yet. Can I take a look?”
You gave him an apprehensive glare. It wasn’t that you were unwilling to share your personal space with him. After all, you were as good as married and if the two of you were going to spend a lot of time with each other and live in the same space there was no use in trying to hide it. But your room wasn’t in the best shape and you were embarrassed to show it to someone for the first time in the shape that it was in.
“uhh… right now isn’t really a good time-” you muttered
“what? Are your men waiting for you in your room or something?” he asked with a chuckle
You tilted your head “no. nothing like that.” You said and then let out a sigh. That chapter of your life was likely closed for a good while “it’s not exactly tidied up right now”
“well that’s even better!” Hoseok said with a megawatt smile. “I can see how you really are without all of the pretense. Plus, I’m sure your room is full of the things that you like so I can also get to know you a little bit better.”
You gave him a final look of uncertainty before you let out a deep breath “alright, let’s get the embarrassment over with then”
Hoseok chuckled and took the lead out of his future room. You couldn’t tell what he was more excited by at this point… his dream panic room or your messy bedroom. He waited by the front door for you and you slowly walked to the door directly across from his own. You gave him a small frown before you commented under your breath
“don’t say I didn’t warn you”
You opened the door and allowed for Hoseok to take the lead in.
“wow” was all that he said as he looked around
You mentally scolded yourself as you looked around with him, frowning at your pile of clothes at your bedside. The unfolded and unhung clean clothes that sat in a laundry bin. The half empty or completely empty water bottles that sat on your night stands. The shoes that were lying around scattered through your bedroom. The pillows from your unmade and wrinkled bed that sat on the floor.
You knew that it was a mess and honestly you were embarrassed that Hoseok was seeing this side of you. It was completely different from what you had presented everywhere else in the house. Everything that was a shared space was neat and tidy and you prided yourself in keeping things orderly. But when it came to your own personal space…you were a little more relaxed.
“it’s not that bad” Hoseok said with his hand on the back of his neck as if he was trying to physically hold back from cringing or laughing
You rolled your eyes even though he couldn’t see you doing it and walked over to his side so you could take a good look at his face. and as he turned to face you he had a sympathetic and polite smile on his face. you smiled back to him and scoffed.
“you’re full of shit” you said jokingly
Hoseok laughed and cocked his eyebrow. “actually, I’m not. I’m quite messy myself”
“really?” you asked surprised
Hoseok turned away from you to exit your room and just faintly under his breath you could hear him whisper “you’ve got a lot to learn about me…Mrs. Shin”
#kpop#kpop series#kpop fanfic#kpop fanficiton#kpop smut#kpop mafia au#kpop scenario#mafia au#monsta x#monsta x smut#monsta x series#monsta x fanfic#monsta x scenario#wonho#wonho series#wonho smut#wonho fanfic#wonho mafia au
33 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
expecto-impala
Goodbye, old friend
i-dontfeelgood
Vacía.
berrish-blog
BERRISH
maximumfuryfart
Untitled
darkerthan-demons
🔮Dreamcatcher🔮