#GIVE ME BACK MY HAPPY BRAIN CHEMICALS NETFLIX
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Listennnnnn I still have a lesser opinion of T&B season 2 than season 1 but we in the "I'll take what I can get" stage of reblogging all the meta analyses I can find for the scraps of dopamine.
#GIVE US THE HUG AND THE DATE YOU COWARDS#tiger and bunny#tiger and bunny 2#taibani#kotetsu kaburagi#barnaby brooks jr#THEY DESERVED BETTER#SOMEBODY IN ONE OF MY REBLOGS SAID SEASON 2 WAS WRITTEN AS A TRAGEDY#THEY AIN'T WRONG#BUT THANKS I HATE IT#I'M HERE FOR KOTETSU AND BARNABY AND DOPAMINE#GIVE ME BACK MY HAPPY BRAIN CHEMICALS NETFLIX
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60-90 old randomness
"In my situation, libel admits the notion of a hack/relay, is one of the charges. Let's say someone's mind was hacked. -",
"-Relaying everything rolling through the mind and interpreting everything as a thought, all on premise that people and only Americans are responsive to every, or what constitutes every thought for their biology. Ex. Feel hungry, Let me eat. Aroused, let me ask the girl out.-",
"-It becomes libel if a hacker relays what I wouldn‚t write, what wouldn‚t just go through one metaphorical ear and out the other.",
"Regarding kids and social TEXT, After writing everything in this tweet to myself, I‚m feeling stimulated from my content, an involuntary self adulation, maybe from a dopamine release‚-",
"-kids on their phones all day, from the white light of their phones, must be mentally jumping from one thing to another. It‚like impulsivity or succumbing to basic impulses is becoming a problem.-",
"-From the Wolf of Wall Street movie with Leonardo DiCaprio, he relies on cocaine when he needs to use his brain for his business. Then he relies on marijuana or alcohol or shots of alcohol to calm him before a meeting or to sleep. -",
"-Maybe we‚re not advancing quick enough mentally and physically with the standards of modern day life.-",
"-Why does a barber need a pack of cigarettes and two lattes to cut hair. If only DiCaprio‚character or people in general, could just will the desire to work and carry out the work. -",
"-If only people could will the desire to sleep instead of these ridiculously advocated sleep routines like no computer or no lights prior to sleep.-",
"-On a somewhat related note, this chemical reward for watching true crime series, sending pics of ur nudity to girl friends/boy friends, stealing someone‚sex tape like in the Pam and Tommy series on Hulu- true crime enthusiast? Settle 4 the news. news should be titillating.-",
"-Trump has to stop making the news. Hunter Biden, heard it. What about a follow up on the Great Wall Trump promised. You turn on the news, and you hear about rigged systems and such. People have a need, a desire, they need places to satiate those needs and desires.-",
"-I think people need to step back, and understand what are food tendencies, what is society getting their dopamine fix, are some selling drugs because they don‚t get lunches from school anymore?-",
"-It‚kind of like file sharing era. People want ready access to TEXT. Streaming services provided a way for everyone to be happy. Spotify, HBO max, Hulu, Netflix, Apple TV‚-",
"-Understand what people need/want. Then provide outlets. Regarding tendency 2 leek sex tapes, become a serial killer, share nude pics, leak sex tapes‚what void is really being fulfilled? These actions aren‚t the illness, but symptoms of some void these people R trying 2 fill.",
"-I heard that an ex girl friend of the alleged Gilgo beach killer said he was bored with his life. His brain was getting a thrill or a dopamine fix to the otherwise dull nature or lack of activity in his life.-",
"-Rather than sedating the serial killer, for future purposes, give them an outlet.-",
"-Mind reading is happening. Mind control is happening. Give these bored people something promising like the Apple be headset where they can live out their fantasies.Is virtual or augmented reality harder than wireless mind control?-",
"-These people need to acknowledge their tendencies and find an equally rewarding outlet.-",
"-In NBC series Heroes, the villain Siler had 2 ways to reach the end goal of having other peoples super powers. He could attain it through murder or empathetic connections with an individual. In the series, he chooses to be a murderer, dissecting brains, but he made the choice.-",
"-People have all sorts of tendencies. Not all are good. You could bandage an entire hole or problem by sedating them or their impulses. -",
"- buts its the good and bad that makes us human. So, Or you can consciously acknowledge your tendencies, and make a mature choice toward a morally or ethically or legal route to satiating your tendency. Don‚t be a Siler. -",
"-Use your head, rather than letting the aggressive part of your mind run the show on autopilot. Whether it‚with driving or anything, psychiatrists say it‚ok to autopilot things. -",
"-In drivers ed, I heard lane change signaling should be a force of habit.I advise mindfulness. You shouldn‚t autopilot. I disagree with that American medical perspective.-",
"-An idle mind is the devils playground as I think I heard but may have mis phrases it.Kids resort to substance abuse in part because of boredom.-",
"-With augmented reality glasses or free internet or rewarding the creativity of American youth by giving them a paid outlet on YouTube or Netflix for a tv or movie they create, you can help everyone‚boredom. -",
"- YouTube sort of does this with short clips like Jenna Marbles. Why not a whole limited series? Kids go to work, get recognition from their peers, keeps them out of trouble, makes them popular-",
"-The DC comics hero, Wildcat is known to come from a troubled childhood and neighborhood. He finds an outlet for the negativity that results, though boxing. If it were today,psychiatry would sedate that useful energy that could‚ve been channeled for greatness.-",
"I want my word, my reality, to be all natural. I don't want people playing games or following someone's instructions. Chances are the \"instruction-giver/stalker\" is just that. The crazy thing is, in 11 years, I don't know them, speak to them, yet they still do what they do...",
"- chances are \"instruction-givers/stalkers\" are doing what's best for them, while giving the illusion its for me. Through hype, and time, people think they're worth believing. I feel I have everything I want in life, short of a girl friend, or a family/network of my own...",
"- if something were done on my behalf, I'd be OK losing a billion dollars, or even possible justice against deranged stalkers and UAlbany, which screwed me over in 2012, and is using me to build the reputation of their party school...",
"I have everything. Over 11 years, with the exception of:No matter how long, how sad/crazy, I value people, friend people, who tell me the truth of what's transpiring, or talk to me, Period. I can take it.",
"- Would U believe in the last 11 years,1 girl, met thru a random place, & a coworker in a recent place, are the only 1's who extended a hand out 2 me or were quality human beings W/kindness in them? How crazy is it that in 11 years, aside from family & these 2, talking is rare...",
"- Whatever I know is thru instinct/senses/intuition, patterns/evidence built thru 11 yrs- regarding my situation. No 1 has ever talked 2 me, done anything W/my consultation. Schools/Police let them roam. What they possibly put out is based on who they want me 2 be, not who I am.",
"- People do the most random things in this \"program/situation\", whatever the h*ll it is...stand in my presence & I think wait 4 me to do something, walk around with phones, nod, or...heaven knows what...",
"- to continue on the previous tweet, I think it's b/c such behavior is recommended by the \"instruction-givers/stalkers\" or \"program/situation\". Please remember that I don't know them or what I'm in...They don't know me. They never spoke to me. They do as they please, illegally.",
"- 2 continue on the previous tweet, they have the most random access 2 my life - would U believe the government, law, police allow this 2 an American citizen against his will/complaints/&11 yrs of suffering (despite public smiles/etc.) ... -",
"- (to continue on previous tweet) The government, law, police, allow what's known b/c government/police are hiding their secret project in the known thing. Ur not going 2 believe what that is. If U use ur head, to allow something like this for 11 yrs, clearly they have incentive.",
"-(to continue on the previous tweet)..probably starts W/a contract or project offered to UAlbany..I mean phD's..their nano engineering school..all get involved in projects in what they do...Y else do they want 2 get their hands in my reputation & a matter W/crazy kids? Incentive!",
"-While I can be silly/loose/funny, Im a serious guy. Short of talking, I don't know what any1's doing. I love networking/making friends/or a girl friend. Like any1, my dream girl is attractive, some1 I can talk 2/some1 who listens 2 me/takes what I say seriously/can extend a hand",
"- Regarding girl friends, in addition 2 the other things, I want a woman I can love, who will love me, who will be truthful 2 me, & who I can hold/hug - Some1 who will face obstacles/disasters with me, & together escape/reach new heights. Some1 2 go on any/all life's adventures.",
"- As no 1 talks to me in my situation, particularly women, I don't know what the \"situation\" tells them. But I'm trying to express me. Read these tweets, starting with the oldest one. After 11 yrs, I want the next adventure. Whatever is to be gained from this, not interested.-",
"-It's not their program or making what I do public that shines a light on me. It's my actions, my personality, my words. By living, getting something like a twitter, I can do what they do better. I'm a regular guy who's content with what he has in life. -",
"-While I have a decent job, I'm always on the lookout for better opportunities, more enjoyable opportunities, more financially rewarding opportunities. I'm a computer science graduate W/an MBA in Management Information Systems, seeking a good job to help make dreams come true.-",
"-Not seeking a program/situation. I'll make my millions through a great job. I'll meet people through my actions. If I'm destined for fame, it will happen through a means that isn't illegal, that doesn't practically get me worked up, tortured to speak. -",
"- & 2 get justice 4 these 11 yrs...that shouldn't be an excuse or reason 2 not tell me the truth or speak to me. If I knew how something illegal is happening, I could move on W/my life, & maybe even taking any/all necessary legal action. These people are not my friends/family.-",
"-When all craziness & reputation stomping started, I was in my early 20's. These people destroyed a decade of my life, & possibly the best time in a persons life, while making it seem like - some crap - like Im afraid 2 go out or am embarrassed...remember, they don't know me. -",
"-and the crazy thing is, people believe these monsters. These instruction-givers/stalkers inflict variables in my life that are restricting and prevent me from living life to the fullest. Now I'm in my very early 30s, and I'm tired. Remember, 11 yrs. -",
"- I don't know if any1 sees this, I don't know if the instruction-givers/stalkers use tech 2 prevent people from seeing this..but this twitter is mine. If I want to vent, thats my right, not an excuse 4 a - remember - \"stranger\" 2 react to. I'm Regular guy \"minding his business.\"",
"-All I want, is my life to be as God intended & natural, With people doing what they feel like, whatever they originally would've done if this situation didn't exist. The only help I seek is the truth hidden from me for 11 yrs. It costs another person, a stranger even, nothing.",
"‚It takes a special person to do something, when everyone else is standing by..‚ - Lightning (from CW show, ‚ÄòBlack Lightning‚)In old neighborhood behind central ave, there was street racing on Thurs. night. Went on for yrs. Rather than speaking up, people put up w/it for yrs.‚",
"Letting my dad and brother borrow my car in the mid afternoons and evenings for a while...as I have the privilege of working from home...Hope remote work opportunities continue...",
"If you like the animated ‚Justice League‚ or ‚Justice League Unlimited‚ series, you‚re going to love ‚Invincible‚ series on Amazon Prime...great show, can‚t wait till the next few seasons come out...",
"Oh did u no what‚an awesome snack! Hokkaido cream rolls from cold food section at HMart or from wherever they keep snacks/breads in other Asian supermarkets. simple Japanese bun snack.-Chinese friend introduced them 2 me. yrs ago, I‚d eat them like 3-4 @ a time-simple but good!",
"In reference to my tweet 9 hrs ago (early morning), regarding the quote from Black Lightning show on the CW, it reminds me of something that happened in my freshman year at the college I was in, before I transferred to Albany-",
"When I was dorming in the dormitory referred to as CIW, a lot of the other freshman in the hall outside my dorm room, and my roommate, were talking about, checking out, and gathering around a website called ‚do not tell Ryan dot com‚ -",
"- through the commotion, I found out about it too. Ryan lived in a dorm on the same campus where it was suite style. He lived with 4-6 others with a common room and a single bathroom reserved for them all. The other 5 roommates got the brilliant idea of connecting a camera -",
"- to website in Ryan‚room and not telling him about. Ryan would go on doing his personal stuff-whatever that may be-thinking he was in the privacy of his space. People like animals got together to talk and check out the website. When walking by Ryan on campus, he might‚ve seen-",
"- giggles, whispers, or some sign of affirmation that something was up involving him. At the time, I was busy with classes and didn‚t have the interest to focus on the website. At that time and I guess age, without someone putting the idea to tell Ryan about it, I didn‚t give -",
"- being a friend to this guy or just a good human being to this guy, a second thought. After the issue with Ryan wAs resolved with authority figures and some time passed and I had time to think, I wondered to myself why I didn‚t tell Ryan, even though he was no one to me-",
"-it may have come off random or him seeing me as an intrusive stranger, but I would have had the salvation of ‚helping someone, truly.‚ When I came to that realization, I got over my, ‚staying silent about problems ‚, and went to seek solutions. If something like Ryan were to-",
"- happen again, I‚d definitely go and tell the other person, especially if it‚a matter of human dignity and right and wrong, or because of random hype, I thought he/she (person ‚I‚m‚helping) is worthy of a friendship. I mean, it like the story of the woman baking cake, was it?-",
"- she asked her network or circle, 2-3 people, if they would help her make the cake. They all denied help and came up with excuses. When the cake was ready, those same people who wouldn‚t help ‚make‚ the cake, were ready to ‚eat‚ her solo hard work cake. -",
"- not willing to struggle with a person or do the hard thing when it counts, but ready to jump at the rewards? To be blunt and a little...I dunno the word...prideful, disgusting?...I mean if it were me, if I go out of my way and expense to put myself in a different world-",
"- (and different from my post college,post bar/party life, remote job life, or whatever else), and clarify points by talking to myself or tweeting or facebooking or networking, and people do what someone else says to them...then well, sorry, I survived 11 years without you, -",
"- and in the years after, like the woman with the cake, I won‚t need you later. ‚Love one another as you love yourself.‚ It‚clear most people don‚t love themselves or can think beyond mechanical, established means of volunteering, community service, whatever. -",
"- read my tweets from the beginning, going backwards. There aren‚t that many. Don‚t just bookmark my page/link and peer, follow me on Twitter...let me know there are real genuine people, where I‚m not wasting my time.",
"-When 1 of my tweets tells a story or a point & it continues from 1 tweet to the next, they‚ll begin and/or end with ‚-‚ . It‚a sign of continuation. In such continuation cases, gotta go backward with tweets, past tweets with ‚-‚ ,& read from the beginning, scrolling bottom-up.",
"Imagine after an 11 year ordeal, someone wants to make you a role model...I mean are you f*king kidding me...I think some are so plugged into this, they forget the reality that this is crazy and cruel...11 yrs to make a hero/role model?! -",
"- ‚this is An impracticable situation, a cruel situation where they don‚t disclose what they do to make things happen, where u cannot feel or put urself in my shoes 2 empathize..-",
-I mean most are probably lost in details like me buying an espresso
https://t.co/ZW9V7MCaSm this? why relay it? I‚m kind of like a guy who just got a new house and is trying to fill it with things that fulfill the needs of the demands of his life. -
"- to be honest, I don‚t want to talk about things are make things part of my public identity. Normally you choose how people see you, not something from h*ll throwing details that are no ones business, when it has nothing to do with anything-",
"- I think Christ and Joe Biden are genuine role models. But religion puts people off and makes people think ur some kind of priest. So let‚talk joe Biden. A role model. Do you know what he bought or what he‚doing or thinking all throughout the way? No. -",
"- what do you know of Joe Biden? President of the United States. Lost a wife, lost children. Conquered the emotional toll and picked up his life and moved on with the next adventure through another wife and kids. Him becoming president shows hard work, that he is a strong man-",
"- these are things that people can relate to in Joe Biden. ‚If you work hard, you can achieve anything, even be president of the United States.‚ When tragedy strikes, you get back on ur feet‚-",
"- Joe Biden‚life achievements were made known through contact with people-something Im encouraging.-",
"- Biden Is not a role model because he talks about everything he did, or something relays it, be it through Twitter, other social TEXT, or some other medium or platform. I mean it sounds like the definition of bragging and who likes a bragger-",
"- you know Joe Biden for what he says and the things he‚done, professionally, not in his personal life- such is the definition of a personal life...it‚personal, it‚private-",
"- you put the wrong or unnecessary things in peoples heads, it affects what opportunities come your way, what kind of people you meet...You put out what you want to get what you want/need.-",
"- beyond friends, In a natural setting, I think people get the impression I‚m not one to play games with. It‚been like that for years. Then all of sudden, people just started doing weird things, thinking I get it-",
"- remember what I said a few tweets ago? U let people know what u want them to know about I...friendships, relationships work that way..not everything is more comprehensive then a criminal background check for a job opportunity-& those things are privileged information by a few.-",
"- like I said people know what you want them to know...if you broadcast randomly how I am in one setting or with one individual, every1 expects that of you all the time. Is it practical to be the way u r with a relative/friend with somebody completely random or another context?-",
"- I keep saying this...people know what you want them to see or know...you define you...sometimes people need to hear/read these things...And reminded about how they, themselves are...-",
"- let me tell you something you already know. Hundreds of thoughts go through a persons mind all day. Some are based on 1st instinct, based on something that happened in the moment (may change in the next moment), based on past information acting as a pair of glasses to see thru-",
"- but how any of those thoughts are actually you, what you want, what your belief or perception is, overall-",
"- ( maybe that‚when a sporadic impulsive thought ‚evolves‚- when it becomes a belief/ perception-perception/belief is something you ‚thought through‚ and not a biological/impulsive/mechanical thought your ‚thinking.‚)-",
"- what matters is what you ‚thought through‚ and not just ‚what ur imagined to be ‚thinking‚ for a ‚given moment in time.‚What you ‚say‚ to people, what you speak, what comes out of your mouth and not ur mind, is what matters-",
"- what I say is probably ‚thought though‚ and not just something I‚m ‚thinking impulsively, for a given moment in time, for one reason or another, as described earlier.‚ -",
"- I think we‚ve all been in situations where we wonder ‚ why did I say that)‚ or been accused of ‚talking out of our a*s‚...-",
"- when speech is that, it doesn‚t make sense to hold someone accountable for everything that comes out of their mouth in their non public lives-makes no sense to wonder why he/she said or did that, when it wasn‚t for you, to begin with. -",
"-imagine if people were 2 react 2, or judge U (judging can mean seeing U in 1 way) 4 a biological response of a sporadic/impulsive thought thatRoams thru consciousness, that ur probably focusing past, as U live ur life in reality, & interacting/taking part in elements of reality.",
May 21st tweets right side up:
https://t.co/9vNbSD3K1kMay 23rd tweets right side up:
https://t.co/eOvt1QxFpHMay 24th tweets right side up:
https://t.co/SYvJxqi3sw
"...ok, so if you post three links in one tweet, only the last link gets a preview...lets post each link separately...",
May 21st tweets right side up:
https://t.co/9vNbSD3K1k
May 23rd tweets right side up:
https://t.co/eOvt1QxFpH
May 24th tweets right side up:
https://t.co/SYvJxqi3sw
"All tweets up to now, right side up, grouped together accordingly, in the three links, in the below/last three tweets (right before this tweet). Enjoy your day.",
At least make sure it doesn‚t happen you:
https://t.co/9dqNjonE7w
"May 25th...",
"Years ago, I complained about slander against my reputation. When you realize ur publicly known, from my understanding, it evolves into libel. I wonder if these geniuses (orchestrators responsible), for 11 years, think they can evade the slander charge by relaying -",
"- whatever possible about me. Does that make sense after the May 24th tumblr post/tweets talking about speaking, thinking, doing? -",
"- I think what makes slander and libel so bad is that ‚people act on‚ false or inappropriate ideas/beliefs. Imagine treating someone as crazy, in every possible way, for 11 years, and restricting their life, when the orchestrators went into this without thinking of past,-",
"-without thinking type of Family, background culture...all on the basis of kids & maybe even a girl that I wanted to go out with years ago, but didn‚t, and never was my girl friend or even knew me. -",
"-(Amidst pictures of me, God forbid I mention the name of the girl for three days somewhere in my quiet unknown reclusive life,-",
"-where being as thorough as I am, I explained away all the situations i saw her/bumped into her-the whole thing probably lost focus over a name... for anyone to care or even know what‚talked about, am I-",
"-or she, a public figure?, or residing or studying in the same place, even?!) , None of these people know me...these are the kinds of stalkers I‚m dealing with for 11 years...-",
"something else...",
"From what the I said on 5/24/2021 about Joe Biden being a role model, in life challenges, he acted admirably. Christ lived admirably. When ur afflicted with a problem people can‚t feel or relate to, for 11 yrs!,-",
"-and speaking/writing/complaining thru the routes you have, doesn‚t rescue you, then less admirable means of acting become justifiable. When less admirable is the way to go, ur wasting ur time on the role model thing...-",
"and another thing...",
"American psychology, touchy/feely ways of handling people, ways of thinking, having to tell people things they should already know or think, people robotically following instructions instead of using their heads...dealing with people who are not objective, who are not-",
"-pragmatic...makes you wonder...am I of the same culture as these people?... or do I need to find another place in the world to live...and that‚when ‚they‚(orchestrators responsible) want me to be a ‚role model‚ for them. If you act as a team against someone, how-",
"-am I symbol to you, or how do I represent you, or how do I model your beliefs? Chances are, I've come to not understand the people in my environment or their 11 year way of handling things. I mean if you were to pass on today, and ur asked about your role in this,-",
"-what will you say? I went with the flow? Everyone else was doing it? Do you know what its like? What were your last 11 yrs like? At least event filled? Anyone sending you signs instead of \"being direct\" and talking to you?",
"another thing floating through the mind...",
"Christ, being God, spent 40 days in the desert. Faced the devil himself and three temptations. I'm a guy who does yoga (Surya Namaskar, pranayama meditation, from Hinduism), but I was born, raised, and am and continue to be a Christian. -",
"- For those against religion, just sharing something from my belief system. Personally, I‚m open to all religions. But anyway, Christ faced off with the devil for 40 days. My ordeal is lasting 11 years+. -",
"-I am NOT God or a god. Christ faced 3 temptations. Everyday, peace of mind is taken from me. Christ faced the devil. I dunno if Satan returned to being the angel, Lucifer, & needed a replacement, or what..but someone or someones, who take this kind of initiative against their-",
"-fellow man, for this much time, while infecting the world like the group of demons - Legion - with their instructions...There is something worse than Satan and his demon following: Man or humans who possess the power of a god and can have a mass-",
"-following against one individual...Me? I'm just a regular guy amidst all this hype(happens naturally through 11 yrs), getting his life together. Where I buy my coffee or even me doing things like buying my coffee shouldn't challenge that perception. I work for quality, look to -",
"-attain quality. Thats my business. Point being, not even Satan challenged Christ with this kind of an ordeal...I guess this is where that saying comes in: \"What you did to the least of my brothers and sisters, you did to me...\" Being overpowered by the-",
"-world...that puts me in a lowly position...or how about \"Whoever perverts the innocence of one of these little ones, should tie a millstone around their neck and jump into a body of water\" As everything has to be explained, little ones doesn't have to mean-",
"-children. It could mean someone innocent, projecting NO ill will against another. Food for thought peepz. America, a Christian country? Bull sh*t. My a*s. American citizenship powerful? Bull. For 11 yrs, every illegal thing, impractical thing, continues...",
today's tweets right side up on this blog:
https://t.co/A753K5G4Om
"Huh...now the concern hits...In writing so much in one day, will people read? will they digest? will they process? will they get it?",
"May 26th tweets and tumblr post...",
"- Keeping high end projects secret or from those it involves, won‚t prevent it from happening to you or get laws enacted. Since when does silence do that? Hence protests, etc. In this case, look at the facts. 11 years someone is suffering. Does that make the authority-",
"- figure look credible? And they picked a brown kid in the same way the Nazis chose Jewish minorities for their eye color changing experiments. It‚never someone who‚white who‚picked for ridiculous things.-",
"- The American white orchestrators cannot bear the thought of a brown guy having a decent life. So let‚pick him to do this, amidst all the opportunities present in his life. Let‚rob him of all that, give him an unbelievable amount of stress and make him prematurely bald.-",
"-Just because this is America, does not mean the orchestrators will keep their word to you, the public, or give whatever incentive promised. I‚m an American citizen for 30+ years. I‚d say with it pride, but now it‚a source of humiliation. -",
"-That citizenship wasn‚t strong enough to prevent illegal activities. Don‚t be ignorant. With what‚happening and it‚way of happening, I can understand fear. What use are notions of the Holy Spirit in you or just plain human spirit,-",
"-if you cannot confront evil. If what‚happening to me happens to 10 more people, the only way to help yourself and them is to speak up and lend an ear ‚about‚ and ‚to‚ unusual activity. Staying silent is giving horrible people under worldly reputations and possessions the-",
"-freedom to abuse another human being. Since when do men in power keep their word? It is the job of the public to use their spoken word, our sword, to confront evil. Lay down the facts and look at what‚been done and for how long, not sweet sounding-",
"-voices/motives/gender/age. I bet the devil, when he tempts and torments someone toe to toe/head to head, he comes in the most appealing form to throw off his victim from suspecting anything. -",
"-Tally up what you can understand as done and destroyed, not what‚‚said‚ by a stranger to be done.",
"-There are 2 groups involved.From what I understand, theres group1 talking 2 every1, & probably explaining away &justifying their end (despite 11 yrs) in face of my tweets/tumblr post. Then theres group2 hiding behind group1's public distraction. That's the high end project.",
May 26th tweets right side up in blog link below...I think twitter even provides a preview...same as tweets from early morning (before 6 AM)...
https://t.co/9dqNjonE7w
"Looks like theNext instruction or twist onWhat I actuallySaid/wrote/tweeted made its way..just Why?..what is so hard about the ‚be natural‚ Concept-no skin off ur back..right, then the orchestrators (1‚responsible) have noPoint orJob. The Americans side with their own, clearly.",
"There is a Facebook, a Twitter, a tumble all directly from me. I‚m big on being direct with people. That‚interacting/talking with someone not through something acting like a celebrity‚agent...just a regular guy, the rest is hype-",
"What happens to the concepts of fate and destiny if you tell everyone where I‚m going all the time? But then if you didn‚t, once again, the pointless orchestrators would be jobless. When two people meet, normally it‚chance, luck...-",
"-kinda like the movie ‚The Adjustment Bureau‚ with Matt Damon‚and Emily Blunt. Not everyone is supposed to meet everyone. It‚ridiculous that a grown man has to deal with a program for a reputed particular party schools and teenagers...-",
"-they soil my reputation by perpetuating teenage concerns about bullying, ‚oh my gosh, is everyone looking at me‚, and other nonsense...",
"- I‚m out to score a wife, more money through business and jobs, and that‚when the American psychology fueled little kids program pursues me like psychopaths over the course of 11 years... hey orchestrators, know where ur not wanted, have some dignity, and find someone else.",
"Being 1st generation Indian American, born & brought up here, Ive had the usual problems...culturalClashes, aDoubleLofe w/family&friends, too much time w/their own community-it gets old, when just telling foreigners ur an American citizen leaves the impact of jealousy & wonder.",
"- growing up, kids (let‚not forget I‚m a grown man in his very early 30s who people hold accountable for every second/word of his life...imagine if it was you, anyway...)- growing up, kids like me are out to be as American as possible. We don‚t want the culture of our parents-",
"I went to Iona Prep high school, I‚ve left the Indian Orthodox Church (stricter form of Catholicism: hence, the word: Orthodox), to be around the larger culture and a variety of people through the Catholic Church I embrace as my own-",
"- there are Italians, Irish, Mexicansnd other Hispanics , Indians, brits, and so forth. I always seen myself traveling and being busy...a service is always available, any day, and it‚all over the world.-",
"- but despite all my attempts at embracing American culture and my natural born citizenship, in the end Americans and people of my background left me to rot and side with the orchestrators. Not one person of any background had my back in a time of need.-",
"I got so fed up when all this started over no one believing me/or everyone lying to me, I left my home state of New York to go to/live in the country of my background: India. Then these people, these orchestrators followed me there and messed up a chance at a fresh start-",
"- be it thru a new apartment of my own or a great IT job. I got tired of America and left,&their people followed me, to bring me back,&harass me for 11 years...I say ‚their people‚ because you‚ve all clearly indicated through a project/program, that ur on 1 side, &im onAnother.-",
"Here I am doing crazy things totalk to a girl or get a girlfriend, and my own network of people as a whole...but then, after all this, I gotta wonder...being an Indian American, I can go back and select any woman from a large selection to be my wife... I can pick a real woman-",
"- as I feel females in America tend to be more girly then womanly ... I mean I look like a grown man (I wouldn‚t go so far as a prime example or definition, but I‚m close, on any day, whether fat-sadly, currently-skinny, or muscular). I need a woman.-",
"I could skip a dozen steps&formalities of a girl friend 2wife, by jumping 2 the chapter of a wife &family of my own, thru the concept of arranged marriage. At this point, I don‚t care about the American bit. Through my habits, personality, &the well known Indian work ethic,-",
"-through the stuff in the previous tweet, I feel I‚m more a typical Indian man, despite my lifelong efforts at being more American in the Indian American part of my identity.-",
"-The orchestrators making my family act against their culture, inflicting what they see as a normal life on me, and judging me for being me...everything you done is ample evidence of racism in practice/action, and the 2013 charge of a hate crime that I made to the idle police-",
"-, all while the orchestrators and the reputed party school hijacked my calls to the police, and even went so far as to tell me on the phone call to the police:‚stop calling.‚ At least try to ‚act ‚ like law enforcement...",
"And maybe now to return to normal tweets for the most part...",
"Was on my Peloton bike this morning and couldn‚t help but notice how these female trainers look like ‚women.‚ From the dancing on the bike to whatever, all have personality, all are lively...you don‚t see too many females that look like women over girls in real life...",
"Give what I say/write, that‚verified as from me (an example of being direct with me), like my Twitter, tumblr, or Facebook precedence, 1st preference, over what anyone else says, or what the indirect folk resort to.",
"RT @RennyJi: May 26th tweets right side up in blog link below...I think twitter even provides a preview...same as tweets from early morning
Already tweeted this @6AM after my pre 6AM tweets but posting this link again since its buried under myTweets from 10:15-11:15..&retweeted this 2..yeah umm U wouldn't believe the time/expense it takes to tackle the unknown...but here's the link again:
https://t.co/9dqNjonE7w
Tweeted before 6 AM today posted those tweets in a link twice and in a retweet Tweeted from 10:15-11:15 today posted those tweets right side up in the link below:
https://t.co/6NBwjXIOSt
"May 27th tweets...",
"The reputed party school wants to spend 11 years wondering why ‚I don‚t go out‚ in the sense of bars/partying. For their personalities or the kids they‚re used to, from the low grade requirements for their school(nothing against anyone for getting admission there), -",
"-I suppose it‚to be expected.With my grades at Iona Prep High School, I had scholarships with free laptops at some decent private schools. But I chose to go to the Harvard of the SUNY‚s: Binghamton University. -",
"-I transferred out, because I wanted a fresh start with a new major, late in my academic career, after an attempt at electricalEngineering. The only place that‚d take me is a reputed party school. Theyre probably like F* you in reading this, but being the truth, it‚undeniable.-",
"-And at that point in my academic career, I thought, what's in a name to a school or its reputation. But look what happens when you go to some places. Leaving Binghamton was the worst decision for so many normal/abnormal reasons. -",
"- i mean, for one thing, your grades reflect on the kind of person you are. it can say your hard working, or equally smart but just want to take it easy and do things like party and alcohol and drugs all day. but different story, moving on...-",
"-I used to spend a lot of time in computer science lounge and in the faculty department common room, at said party school. Despite me being there almost everyday, and at the Starbucks in Colonie, NY for networking, where this location is at the center of multiple Universities,-",
"-the professors who had a role in this, sided with random kids they don‚t see in that area often. I guess it‚because they partied and I studied. ‚Sided ‚in that they listened to random kids who don‚t know me, rather than talk to the guy in their vicinity on a daily basis. -",
"-Such is the reputed party school. While in the common area, I heard one of their professors say, they take as many kids from a local community college: Hudson Valley, to boost their graduation rates. -",
"-I guess they don‚t get the kids they need for that in normal admissions at a reputed party school. As I hear them talking sometimes, while making me look crazy for it, you should have heard their astonishment at the Binghamton common computer area in comparison to what they-",
"-have at their reputed party school. It says a lot about reputations. The orchestrators try to make it seem like, the way I am in a ridiculous situation(probably filmed or the equivalent all day), while living with my parents, is how I am. -",
"- They‚ve been doing this for 11 years, after robbing me of my opportunities for 11 years. I had a life before this, and I intend to continue to, after, with my own network, family, etc, away from these orchestrators and their craziness.-",
"- &another thing, regarding the party school, think im just saying things? check the books. and are their graduates or students going to get mad at me, despite the school's clear role and for calling the students equally smart, a number of tweets ago? well, oops, OK..moving on.-",
"moving onto addressing something else...-",
"-The orchestrators are always misusing people under the pretense that I‚m a picked on kid. I‚m a successful, grown man. -",
"-Not because I‚m conceited, but from life experience, I wrote 11 yrs ago: ‚I‚m not the last person people harass, but I‚m also far from the first.‚ When it happens, with my image (while chubby, and not handsome now), I know somethings up. -",
"-Try me, and be direct about it, rather than do something ridiculous from afar. I don‚t waste time on idiots. -",
"-The orchestrators perpetuate and take part, and make official and global, a small rumor of a girl I don‚t know or knows me (or her misguided teenage friends who also don‚t know me nor do I know them-big theme in this, with all involved) from 11 years ago.-",
"-The only thing that ever harmed me, abused me, or robbed me of health and opportunities, is the orchestrators. -",
"-Teenage kids have no power. Whatever effect they have dies down. It takes something big or reputable (like adults of a particular standing) to give their ideology power. -",
"-These adults...I don‚t know them, they don‚t know me...I don‚t understand their 11 year project/vendetta/-whatever this massive lie is, against me. Maybe it started with just wanting to make money off of me and my life and my lifestyle. -",
"-In trying to address this 11 year problem, my true focus: my career, gets hidden, and you end up thinking I‚m taking part, or after the cr*p-ola of the orchestrators. I‚m big on what‚natural. -",
"-Anywho, I wrote this 1st in the ‚Notes app‚ on my iPhone yesterday, to publish on Twitter & tumbler today, in case I forgot. - in case todays posting was seen earlier...think it happens to emails sent to myself and other things...-",
"-Focus on what‚4 each day on Twitter &tumbler, despite what cannot be helped i.e. the random relaying of everything @ any time, since no 1 helps me stop it by talking 2 me. Imagine what would happen if you told me-the power to save myself...what a great thing you'd be doing...",
"about that party school? before things escalated, as soon as I noticed the potential for a problem behind a situation occurring without telling me, I went to their Conflict Resolution office at their school and told them about my concerns and what I noticed-",
"- the next day, the guy that spoke to me, walks in a different direction, from a small distance, forces a head turn, and gives me a retarded smile. -",
"-Despite my \"reporting things\" like one does to the police in the face of a problem, that school went crazy against me on the day of my 2012 finals. can you imagine a school allowed to go nuts on the day of a student's final exams? -",
"-once again, goes back to the talk about reputations from several tweets ago - this morning. Ur reputation is who you are and reflects in your actions...and here we're dealing with a reputed party school...while they slander my reputation by putting me in retarded predicaments.-",
"- so many bad experiences with students and faculty at that school...in the first dorm suite i lived in, 5 guys pushed me into my room for pushing them back alone, by myself, for telling them to pitch in cleaning-",
"-&one of them - a stupid fraternity idiot - rushed to tell on me, saying i punched him. in a part time job, i told the guy i was working w/to teach me the trade or get the phone in my cubicle working in an area with no cell reception. he just responds nastily and it culminates-",
"- on another occassion, i locked myself out of my room in a different dorm suite, b4 going to my next part time job, which was in their down town. took the highway to get there. went to the faculty and told them my problem - that i had work, can't be late, need to get in my room-",
"-they tell me that i have to wait 2 hours b/c that's when their services are officially available. what if it was class & i needed my backpack? when they eventually agreed 2 help me, the woman i was speaking with, probably saw me going to my dorm building, -",
"-& she drives around &past me w/a nasty look to spite me 4asking them, when saying she'll go to my room and unlock it. when i think i went back to their office &told them about it, she claims she went to my building &waited, but i didn't show up. i saw her drive in a circle.",
"- and that second part time job...to prove myself useful when things weren't busy with a computer job, i would, alone, move big shelves, i think desks, &other furniture, down a floor or two. It was a gesture on my part after hearing them talk about no one clearing their office-",
"-after the things i did for them, i emailed them if they knew anything about this, &never a response. -",
"this is the party school now wondering about why i'm not out, socializing, getting laid all day/everyday, hitting the bars, or whatever. To the orchestrators: leave my life alone. They're so much proof to all this...i guess amidst everything else, maybe they can see memories...-",
"- i mean would it kill these people to go the conventional route and use a lie detector with all involved? It's so easy to clear this up. Based on what I truly want for my life, all of this is a mess.",
"- based on tech they use, in claiming 2 help me(when i need no help aside from telling me whats happening), they try to justify lies 2slander me or try to get me 2write all day. They perpetuate nonsense 2get me 2write, 2 I guess, see if they can predict it-to put it another way.",
"and going back to conflict resolution at the party school? there was one thing i forgot to mention. not only did he allow this to transpire without telling me. -",
"-on the day of my exams, when the sounds projected 2 me, made threats 2 a relative of mine, there, by saying \"maybe we should help him too\", I called Conflict Resolution @ party school several times. They wouldn't pick up. I think I left messages, but no call back. -",
"- in the face of harassment, threats, evolving to what it is today, under a false impression by people of power, such is the party school.",
"- U gotta wonder amidst yrs of this mental strain, especially at party school, where was cr*p flowery Amerian psychology/counseling system, what was the school's Conflict Resolution doing. -",
"-at that party school, failures all around..at the time I was there, academic departments were closing like i think their French department. but whatever. orchestrators are people in power, parading as those of quality, when they're not. 11 years of torture attest to that.",
"and one normal tweet for when we can move past this...-",
"love the @onepeloton (peloton). love #leannehainsby (cycling trainer) for her appearance, personality, and training.",
"leannehainsby",
May 27th tweets right side up in blog link...hope the length doesn't make people miss certain elements...
https://t.co/sMsllxDNy4
"May 28th tweets...",
"For 11 years, me and the word ‚girl‚ always end up translating to association with this one girl I don‚t know. Wanted to go out with her once, approached her at a bar, in the dining hall on campus, -",
"-but then she talks to some other guy in front of me, gives me an angry look all the time, disappears from the dining hall, or dances amongst other girls. You figure ur giving the wrong idea and then this randomness seems to start, -",
"-as you nicely move away from that. I left the idea of that girl by giving her a letter, explaining things, and ultimately leaving the ball in her court. That‚when random kids go on about the idea of someone for years after.",
"I mean I‚ve had the privilege of going out with this Muslim Pakistani girl (i totally respect what you consider haram) older than me and a genius Sikh Punjabi girl (to you Sikhinis, I share in you or love for one God and traditions) who drew my picture in that epic Facebook-",
"- and would distract me like h*ll while in class. Things didn‚t work out, I see this new girl, with one of the best first names on the show Friends: Rachel- possibly my favorite name. -",
"-I hope the mention of 1 of the most common 1st names, 11 yrs later, in this general fashion, doesn‚t cause problems 4me. But her &other women Ive come across lately might give U a glance, but also give the impression that if U return the look for 2long, theyll be creeped out.",
"W/everything, it boil down 2 \"what void\" ur trying 2 fill. Being human=ugly->a lot of good&bad w/in. Violent offenders should output aggression&resulting brain reward centers, by finding noble idea/value 2 fight 4. Disabling such obstacle fulfills inclinations thru powerOfChoice.",
"RT @RennyJi: - you‚re provided for, have a nice place to live, you‚re a prominent family, can go out and eat, have a healthy son, can buy t
"- so I tweeted that last retweet's clip, yesterday. On top of everything else, when a couple gets a divorce, usually, \"the male spouse\" loses half his income, and for some reason: the family house, to his wife, who then gives hourly weekend visitation rights...-",
"- divorces happen in America on something trivial. \"Oh the marriage lost its spark...I'm not attracted to him anymore...\" Nowadays you see on TV, friends becoming a marriage pastor online and wedding their male and female friends. Somethings lose their seriousness then.-",
"- But in the more formal Church practice, you say \"through sickness and health, to love and to cherish, 'till death' do us part...\" its part of a phenomena, nowadays, where no one says what they mean and don't speak with meaning.-",
"- when you say something as deep, as \"through sickness and health,\" in the form of a vow ('a promise'), in Church, in front of the God (who Americans abandon in favor of atheism or agnosticism or apathy), how can you even contemplate divorcing someone on something trivial?-",
"- \"in sickness and health\" could mean 10 years into your marriage, your spouse becomes paralyzed and you end up bathing them for the rest of both your lives. It could mean they cannot even kiss you, let alone have sex with you. But that's what you sign up for. -",
"- but nowadays, Americans are under belief that U live once. Reach 4 happiness at whatever cost. In places like India, they're not that innocent either. People in 3rd world countries may share a similar philosophy in form of, \"I've had it bad, and I'll do anything 4 happiness.\"-",
"- I remember talking on relationships, in passing, w/a doctor, & I remember him saying: there's nothing wrong w/asking 4 a prenuptial agreement (as mature people plan 4 it all & aren't blinded by emotion), & asking 4 bloodwork at onset of relationship 2 prevent unwanted diseases.",
"Everything in time seems 2 go through a cycle. People adhere 2 formalities in one season, then wonder Y across time, relax on those formalities, as 1 example. -",
"- An ex. of a past thing gaining prominence in present is ancient practice of Feng Shui, or what Indians call \"Vasthu Compass\", inviting people 2 build homes on non-toxic energy points in ground/earth. Toxic locations can bring unfortunate circumstances 2 the resider of a home. -",
"- I believe the History Channel's Ancient Aliens show alluded to Washington DC being laid out on positive energy lines. Washington's creators even planted an obelisk (the Washington Monument) as if to magnify energy. Maybe its all a coincidence.-",
"- people blame God 4 everything going wrong. When something good happens, no 1 says Thank You. Some say bad things happen b/c a child not walking & suddenly walking, is God's way 2 bring us down from airy heads in a cloud/distractions &appreciate something as simple as walking.-",
"- a sciencey/maybe eve metaphysical? way of understanding a tsunami in Japan or an earthquake in Haiti, is people's choices contributing to negative energy accumulating in the earth, leading to an energetic push toward negative happenings.-",
"- now I mentioned 2 places in my last tweet. But we as a world are 1, like an individual's 1 body. Your mid region back pain or lower back pain could be because of a problem occurring in another region in ur body. The pain and the cause of the pain could be in different places.-",
"- a collected period of darkness in multiple places throughout the world might puss out like acne in the form of a tsunami or earthquake in another part of the world.",
"When Trump talked about his \"big beautiful wall\", I didn't get the pushback. What are you saying? You don't want effective border protection? -",
"- On something rooted in mixed feelings in just saying, when coal miners and people working with oil rigs complain about renewable energy sources, it's kind of like the issue with the wall. Are you saying you want to deplete the world's nonrenewable sources of energy?-",
"- I believe augmented reality glasses like what's reported as being called Apple Vision, along w/free internet, can provide people w/ways 2 spend time. Regarding pharmaceutical industry, I believe focus should be on cloud controlled nanotech to produce meds w/o sideEffects.-",
"- in the presence of big game changing things like that, going back 2 coal miners, U should train the workers of the coal mines and give them preference for jobs replacing the resource they worked with. New Tech like nanotech in place of conventional pills will result in losses.-",
"Though born a Christian, I see all religions as different languages to speak about one truth, and to one loving God. If I were to identify myself, I‚d prefer the label of a God-fearing individual, more than anything. Reminds me to say, I like to relate with people. -",
"-While these women of the past were of the Asian persuasion, I‚m open to all cultures and religions when it comes to a relationship.",
"I saw a very modern Bollywood movie a while back about 2 people at a club, &the girl asks the guy, ur place or my place. On the flip side or other extreme, I saw a humorous clip on Facebook recently, about this very attractive girl, 4some odd reason, nervously approaching a guy,-",
"-&telling him she‚interested and would like to go out. The TEXT and reality are very different. I think in reality, it always falls on the guy to initiate a conversation, while in tv and movies, it‚the opposite. Anywho, kindly, do me this favor. When I use the word ‚girl‚-",
"-in conversation or writing, please stop associating it with any women or the past. Past is past. Why random kids think I‚m only capable of walking away from this one girl, and can only refer to this girl, is beyond me. To make any type of commotion, is she famous? -",
"-Does anyone, wherever in the world I go, even know this person? The word ‚girl‚ should not be associated with previous associations. I could be using the word generally or specifically about someone else. -",
"-Binghamton undergrad: I had my freshman days, sophomore days, etc, along with the full college experience. -",
"-In party school/ transfer college, I went as an adult - not a teenager- to finish my school as quickly as possible without distractions.-",
"-I had an apartment of my own, readily available/accessible food - thanks to my parents- all so that all I have to worry about is studying. Then the randomness from the orchestrators takes over, messing everything up.-",
"My Twitter username is @rennyjiThe orchestrators-possibly involving party school professors- perpetuated the rumors of a girl and kids and took advantage of a situation for the purpose of their government project, that the world is unknowingly helping in.",
May 28th tweets between 5:29 AM and 5:40 AM on blog link with words right side up unlike twitter which displays most recent tweet even if its a continuation of an account/detail/story through multiple tweets:
https://t.co/2gjosWayuf
"lonely Indian male seeking puertoriquena wanting esposo, or \"middle eastern i dream of jeanie\" wanting alzawj, or italiana wanting marito, or punjabi wanting pagdiwala, and so forth in every other culture and language...its an all points bulletin...",
May 29 tweets..@ this day&time there isn't much more 2 say about \the situation\ weird \past\(being past) or@present there isn't aNeed where every littleThing needs 2be explained even more..so 4now going 2switch 2normal tweets..note my tumblr page:
https://t.co/YBHaO5OLil
"I miss the days of long hair and bangs on the corners of my forehead, drooping onto my face... awesome feeling...to relive that...oh mannn...",
"-semi long hair with potion 9 leave in conditioner/gel...I wonder if they still have that stuff...",
"Years ago, like 11 years ago, I think I heard something along lines of ‚let‚or theyre bringing back the radio...‚ I also remember seeing a white page on some1‚laptop screen with a black square in the middle...the kind of square that goes black when there‚no visual input...-",
"- anything 2do with(w/) ‚the thing‚?!..who knows..I don‚t have a real/genuine friend who‚d tell me things during bad/hard times..its true whats said..U realize whos truly w/U when going gets tough...in my life, its just the good Lord...not a single empathetic/sincere human being.",
Pic from more than 10 years ago on twitter below and on tumblr:
https://t.co/adxFzcZ8fA
May 29th end of day summary of tweets...
https://t.co/m8iuxXeWuX
"May 30th tweets...-",
"- So, as some of U already no, amidst a problem for 11 years, Ive been frequently doing things likeDeleting &recreating facebook. 11 years ago, around that time, when all this started, when I started @ party school, I had 2facebooks. 1 registered 2 Binghamton, 1 to party school.-",
"- the one registered to Binghamton, I deleted my friends, put up a drawing of me as a picture, and wrote something random to put down a rumor and return to normalcy in the 2010 bare bones facebook. It was to tackle what I believed at the time to be the source of the problem.-",
"-As per the ultimate source of the problem, I could always be wrong, but I imTEXTtely got a reaction to the writing on that page by people in my surroundings, making me believe I was write about the first assumed source of the problem. -",
"-At the same time, like said previously, I had a facebook registered to party school. On it I had friends made at party school, people I met in the local area, and also my dorm/suite mates. This even had a picture of me, not a drawing. But the original orchestrators?-",
"-whoever they were, they focused on my \"test facebook\" to figure things out. sometimes you gotta put out random things in your environment to figure out an unknown situation, by observing for reactions...-",
"- amidst a drawing on the stalked facebook, 4 an otherwise uknown recluse like me 2 be in the \"awareness of strangers,\" it means there is a photo of you going around. Why jump to that? I saw friends of a random girl & other strangers take pictures of me from afar at Binghamton.-",
"- Despite my awareness that something's wrong for 11 years, \"the situation\" continues. Imagine the compounding stress...1years of stress from normalStuff like school or work, 2 instruction fueled parents or complete/total/illegal randomness...how do U deal with that all that?!",
"- moving on...",
"-My family and me, in my youth, never took a lot of pictures after 13/starting high school. Not for any reason, despite dads love for Nikon cameras. due to school or work, there was never the time. That and before my parents made it in their careers, -",
"-aside from family trips to India to see family, not a lot of vacationing to exotic places. college, and when I joined college, Facebook started for first time, never got to posting pictures. -",
"-On a different note, Facebook was nothing like it is today. Very simple in, I think 2006-my God, it‚202-but anyway, even my more notorious Facebook writing wasn‚t even in a modern ‚Note‚or whatever. It was in the ‚About Me‚ ‚section‚ of a very basic/simplistic Facebook-but -",
"-back to the point...I think it‚beyond random and weird that there may be total strangers with possible pictures of my youth...",
"Oh my gosh... Becky...look at her bu....no, what I mean is...oh...my...gosh...for 11 years, what if ur orthodox Christian-cultural clash-parents steered the direction of entertainment on your life...how would they do it...the orchestrators clearly want me to be crazy...-",
"-and the school, from their involvement is going to be in legal trouble...how are all these people painting me...regarding my strict parents, I can‚t do anything with a girl in the house I grew up in, not that as a grown adult that I care. I mean I was scared to ask -",
"-my culturally different parents to go to my high school prom. Didn‚t want to hear their No! My brother, on the other hand? About him, he‚also a grown adult, finishing his residency as a doctor and moving onto bigger and better things. My parents think the guy-",
"-who wasn‚t as focused on school as I was or who didn‚t please them all the time like me, is the ideal or better son. Me? Particularly after involvement with the orchestrators, my parents -",
"- just think I‚m out of my mind in everything I do. What did my brother, the ideal son, do, for his prom? The nuts on this one is ridiculous...he begged and got permission to go with a blonde girl at the prom at our all boys private college preparatory high school. -",
"-Then to make his secret girl friend happy, he tells my parents he‚going to sleep over at a friends place. What does he actually do? Him and the friend at the pretend sleep over take a train to Connecticut from New York to attend his blonde girl friend‚s-",
"-prom at her school there. They do what they do, return the next day, and my parents aren‚t any wiser. My parents praise my little brother. What do I get for a lifetime of obedience? Random obstacles, and getting yelled at or provoked, to get me to say things for entertainment. -",
"-I‚m in the shoes or boat of someone who just can‚t set things right in this praising of my brother vs. me...such is life...-",
"-As part of the nonsense that goes on to make what I‚m calling sick ‚entertainment,‚ happen, today my mother comes to me and says she wants to wax the floor of my bedroom/office/space in our family house-rent for nice apartments in good areas cost $1700-$2000. Staying in the -",
"-house saves me money and allows me to use that money for other things. But anyway. She tells me she also wants to vacuum. I‚m like Ok. Then, as usual, the random dialogue starts. It randomly escalates. -",
"-It‚one of those ‚but you said...now ur saying this...it doesn‚t make sense...what are you even talking about...‚ situations. -",
"-Usually In this ‚show‚, randomness like that occurs, where my mother makes faces at me, slams a hammer or walks to another room while I‚m talking, or says something condescending. This I believe is to get me to say things at a point of aggravation.-",
"-Keep provoking until you get a show. This is what all of you witness and allow to continue by never telling me anything. It then fills the mind with distracting, resulting anger/frustration, the resulting thoughts, and the mind of lack of focus that fails to get things done. -",
"-Such is 11 yrs of life. If the provocation is to get me to go out, there‚only so many places I can go, so much money I can spend, while simultaneously no one says nothing to me. So what is the point of all this?! What happens with the room waxing/vacuuming?-",
"-Well mom has me like all my things onto bed &other places where things shouldn‚t be so that the wooden floors are clear. Then after provoking me, she makes it seem something that didn‚t happen or she thinks happened is my fault. She walks out without her completing her desire -",
"-2 wax &vacuum, &now leaves me w/the burden of having 2fix my room up, so that my bed is clear to sleep on, all after I finish a personal-but actually 2 person- project Ive been putting off, &showering. I guess this morning(W/respect to yesterday, that is-forgot to clarify that)-",
"-is the only relaxation I get...and like that, with a constantly aggravated or busy mind, I have to finish work for my job and get other things done...you look to things like a massage at places, but that‚90 minutes, and the weird life thing is all day amidst 11 years...-",
"The even with dear Ma happened yesterday, and clearly not at 6:14 AM. forgot to clarify that. will make the correction when it goes into my tumblr link...",
"Moving onto normal stuff -",
"- Did any of you know that dark roast coffee contains less caffeine than light roast. I think everyone shares in my misconception that dark roast is stronger, but its written as not, online. Google it...",
"I said it before, I‚ll say it again, peace of mind is priceless. I hope I end up with woman who fuels that, rather than more drama.",
May 30th early morning tweets in a blog link:
https://t.co/e8ypLigR11Might tweet later in the day and post another blog link at the end of the day with all of that...Enjoy your day...
"You know, some people get a nose job cuz they‚re not happy with their noses, or something else from like, I think a plastic surgeon. On that note, I learned something from my younger brother, from when he was little.-",
"- every time he did something that got him in trouble, he‚d just give the cutest smile. By default, I have a serious kinda looking face.-",
"-Like I remember seeing the infamous girl to my story and one thing I learned-as you learn things from seeing and hearing things from progressing in life-is that some people have the perfect facial configuration that contributes to a great smile.-",
"-Whoever or whichever woman I end up with, I decided for future purposes,has to have a great smile. Has to be pretty, has to be a shoulder to lean on, someone I can talk to, and be a day of sunshine through an amazing smile.-",
"- and going back to people changing things and the unrelated tale of my brother- for all those random, unpredictable, awkward situations in life, if I could have a way, I‚d get the perfect smile, to smile right through those situations...",
"Moving on, but on the idea of facial features-not cuz Im conceited, arrogant, or full of myself, but growing up and through my college years-I used to be the notably and recognized handsome man or young man in my Church, family, school, a social gathering, or whatever it may be.-",
"- people would always comment and it was a part of me. Have you ever had random strangers on the street comment on you being a ‚good looking man‚ or on a separate occasion, hitting on you, while waiting for a bus?I‚ve had that privilege.",
"In my Indian community, there is a handsome actor named Hrithik Roshan. In my prime, people would tease or comment me as him in their presence. After the turmoil of Albany, I lost a chunk of my overly thick black hair. I took a beating all around from stress.-",
"- I had to face the reality I‚m not the guy I grew up as. Looking like me was a core part of my identity. It‚like when the character, ‚Lightning‚, on the show ‚Black Lightning‚ had her molecules and atoms rearranged and got a new face that wasn‚t what she was used to.-",
"-that‚when this retarded program is advertising you as ‚handsome‚ and a bunch of other nonsense. Without ur long hair and stress beaten, you face and accept facts, even take the American route of shaving what‚left off and having a clean shaven head.-",
"- ur down about not being you, your world being fake because of a nonsensical program, and they‚re trying to show off you...parents think there‚something wrong with me cuz I shave my head. In India, only literally crazy people shave their heads. Once again, a cultural clash...-",
"- you lose interest for a period in ur hobbies like working out, and some things you need to work out through time and life experience-no matter how seemingly inane or childish or stupid. Different things matter to different people.-",
"-The normal person doesn‚t have an anal retentive set of orchestrators and program trying to seemingly get you broadcasted for good, when really they‚re just trying to evade legal trouble...I mean the program and then the mental harassment...it‚unprecedented...",
"-In sharing a bit about me, amidst orchestrators creating random hype, gotta let you know, ‚I‚m a tell it like it is‚ guy. Please don‚t compliment or filter me, based on the past. I am what I am, today, whatever that may be. Past is past.-",
"-This ‚thing‚ just violates all psychological boundaries in what they say/do and how they do it.",
"- on that note, I guess I can understand my parents shoes. Having a son who‚always complimented, who‚among the top 10 of his class of 200 at an all boys college preparatory school with a weighted GPA of 4.2 out of 4.0...or being the exemplary altar server at his Church...-",
"-when this ‚thing from h*ll‚ comes into my family‚and my life, I stopped going to their Church and found my own, I was shaving my head, they were being instructed to be mean to me by the orchestrators...as irritated as I am with my parents for these 11 years, I guess maybe -",
"- their psychology must have been warped by the orchestrators and they missed being the mom and dad of star in their community...but, after 11 years of having no one but God Almighty, I realize I gotta do, what I gotta do, for me, first and foremost...",
"ud be surprised how different people look with and without hair. Really makes em look like a different individual. Something so simple, ud think people would have a solution, rather than a $20,000-$35,000 hair transplant, where hair isn‚t as thick and full as it once was...-",
"- I mean..lets think about this..if u can ‚do everything U can do 2 me, in how ur doing it to me‚, how is it u can‚t restore hair..in comparison, when u think of the simplicity of the idea of restoring hair, its ridiculous..but I guess w/ hair, theres no government/military gain.",
"On a lighter and different note,-",
"While I love my younger brother to death, I also wish I had a sister. There‚something nice and special to having that female in the family. As per sister type material, I see myself talking and hanging out with, I guess my younger cousin Nicole. But then she‚in Texas now.-",
"-The orchestrators want a moving, bustling show, but then at the same time, they gotta realize that they keep people away from me, while the rest of my family is miles away, in different cities, states, and countries...-",
"- but to original point: a realSister wouldve been nice, especially during these weirdTimes. Stuff like that has added a 2 my desire 2 have @ least 1 boy & 1 girl, for children, whenever I have them, after orchestrators leave, women talk 2me again,&I get a girl friend,& married.-",
"- it makes you think of women as a whole. Youve heard of, I think it‚called the human element or human touch. But a woman seems 2 have that kind of positive impact times a 100. A woman is something naturally beautiful in creation..as corny as it sounds..like a rose or a flower-",
"- to brighten a mood or environment, you need women. Thank God for female baristas, cashiers, Doctors, nurses, etc. they add to the daily beauty of a day and scenery with their voices, and for the most part, their faces.-",
"- I guess that thought was spurred on by a sketchers go walk 5 commercial. It makes you think of fitness wear and yoga clothes, and how they enhance the beauty of women. The creators of these outfits had some clear insight and have got to be geniuses...",
wrote a lot today-in early MORNING&early AFTERNOON. Theyre stories about past (not usual nonsense)/ideas/etc. After earlyMorning tweets posted them right side up on tumblr&tweeted link. Now tweeting here another tumblr link containing afternoon tweets:
https://t.co/HI0haqUVL3
"May 31st tweets...after yesterday's morning and afternoon tweets, which were posted in two separate links, yesterday...",
"I value meaning not cultural violations, ‚every‚ random tradition. That‚one of the reasons I switched over to Catholicism from Orthodox Christianity, where I used to be an Altar server in 4 hour services while fasting. -",
"-The service, being the Indian Orthodox Church, is not in English, but highly advanced Church version of the Indian dialect I normally would speak to my parents. For four hours, I have no idea what‚being said and then there‚the random guilt of your mind wandering -",
"-while singing transliterated words (another languages words written in English script) throughout the service. It‚long, only on Sundays, has only one flavor of people, and other things I can‚t presently call to mind. I‚ve been going to Catholic school since the sixth grade. -",
"-I remember the first time seeing Sacred Heart Church. The aesthetics alone amazed me. The service and responses were in English and the service was short to fit in your schedule and available at multiple times, almost every day, making it easy to fit in a-",
"-schedule. It has people from all over the world and is always in the vernacular, or language of the people. It is a a Church with diverse community, it‚own good school system, and available throughout the world. It‚hard to miss Church. -",
"-The services being short are a good thing not out of laziness. But when something is long like a four hour service, it becomes hard to maintain focus and enthusiasm. -",
"-My reasons for switching to Catholicism is because it fits who I am as an individual and I found meaning there, just like, before this situation, I found meaning in New York as my residence through the power of the American citizenship, which unfortunately is lost. -",
"-A life of meaning is my reason for wanting to marry into another one of India‚many cultures, or another people/culture as a whole from anywhere in the world. I just feel there are more-",
"-similarities, more things to talk about, as I‚m more of the black sheep where I‚m from in what and how I talk, or regarding beliefs and goals.",
"hmmm...what else...",
"First 18 years of life, living under my strict Orthodox Christian Indian parents &being sent to all boys schools, what kept me going was the dream, after watching my 1stBollywood movie, that 1 day/someday, Ill find a girl as pretty, full of personality, -",
"-like the women in their film industry. That said, interests have expanded beyond Bollywood-like women.",
"On another note, 2 be blunt...and crude?!...In the language of the cool, \"Im a face & nice smile man in women,\" not so much a big t*t/a*s man. I want a face I can look at all day & never get tired. The other stuff, great, as Im not gay, but face comes first. Just being open.",
"Throughout ‚this situation‚, every person, male, female, catholic, orthodox,Indian, non Indian, left me to suffer this alone. That too for 11 years. You thinks it cute, but thats not what transpires internally and externally. You‚re likely seeing a filtered version, -",
"-cuz I have a hard time digesting that people react 2 something like this, this way, &that too, world saving Americans? Acting like nazis experimenting &killing Jews? But back 2the point..whether it be the people of my background or not, ur loyalty has been 2the ‚orchestrators.‚-",
"-In expanding my community/network/\"my peepz\":my parents need to understand that the people of my background and not of, all held their loyalty to the orchestrators, not me.-",
"-If it‚for something good promised to me, my Christian Indian brethren, Christ says believe and you can move mountains. If you believe and love me like yourself, we can get the same benefits of this program and relieve me of my 11 year indignity. -",
"-Christ also has another saying. When I was hungry, you didn‚t give me food. When I was without clothes, you didn‚t clothe me. What you did to the least of my brethren, you did to me. I don‚t know you, he says. These are the values of my God.-",
"-His Kingdom is open 2all peoples/all faiths, be it a decent humanBeing whos an atheist, or a devoutChristian. Despite this h*ll of a situation or b4 it, I used 2think of heaven 2be likeAmerica-a place open 2all peoples. But on evidence&proof of 11 yrs, this has proven 2be h*ll.-",
"-Now I am the least of my Lord‚brethren, because of my 11 year situation, where I am truly alone, despite the world observing me.-",
"-Nodding at me means nothing. It‚just more drama. Talk to me and talk to me about ‚the situation‚...are you their puppet, or my friend? Were you helping your God, when His followers were in need?",
"-But the point of all this, to my parents/my old Church/whoever: my relationships, friends,community, neighborhood, city will be with all peoples, cultures, and faiths or the lack of, not simply a mechanical attachment to the people of my background.-",
"-My values are Indian, but my interests are American. -",
"-Regarding the people I want to encompass in my world or my network, especially the woman who will be mine, I need someone and things and community that I can hold a conversation with. I can‚t just talk about tradition, Church, and such things like some of my family members.",
"and moving on...",
"About Cr*p about going out, amidst environment being fake and no one interacting.-",
"I mentioned in the past about a double life among us Indian American first generationers. The orchestrators go on and on about ‚going out‚ but if they could see my memories, Indian parents like to keep their kids home.-",
"-You are restricting me from my other life and keeping me as a good Indian kid. They‚re constantly in our business. You say even as an adult‚going out‚ , they‚ll want specifics and a time of return. It‚annoying, and arguing becomes a source of a fight. -",
"-You stay home, to gain the opportunity to spend ur money elsewhere, instead of $2000, for the rent of a decent apartment like The Print House in New Rochelle. You gotta go off TO or STAY IN college as long as possible, far from home, to escape this.-",
"-But sometimes you gotta ask if it‚worth it. So the orchestrators have no outdoor events, family in far off locations...but these stubborn f*, cannot come to the conclusion, after 11 years of failure, that you cannot and do not have a show.",
"and a few normal tweets...",
"If U use a sinus rinse in morning like NeilMeds or Alkalol, I think Navage is littleBetter. As salt can dry ur nose, 2lubricate it, so as 2avoid irritated nostrils w/possible sounds when either inhaling/exhaling, look into/invest in \"Nasya Oil.\" Its from aScience called Ayurveda.",
"If U want a closeShave thats possibly quicker&cleaner than a wetShave w/a typicalRazor, checkOut the Panasonic Electric Shaver. I think its the Arc model. Expensive, but good for a dry shave. Irritated skin? Amazon's \"Freelette\" Cream for pre/after shave is good w/Braun shaver.-",
"Today, going to try the Kiehls Shave \"Lotion\" with my Panasonic Razor, as skin got sensitive from shaving everyday. Hope it works...their aftershave takes care of the sensitivity in like a day...you can get it at Macys...",
"If you get into time and mood to see shaving as an art, the \"Feather\" razor is a quality purchase. I believe its Japanese, and its a straight razor that folds.",
"If anyone is actually nodding in a way of approval or acknowledgment or whatever, through the unbelievable methodology of the corner of my eye, I don‚t know what that means, or why you cannot do that face to face, and tell me why you‚re doing it to begin with.",
"Some great stuff if ur into yoga and meditation: kulae yoga mat (machine washable and pvc free unlike conventional mats), alexia meditation seat (if sitting cross legged for a period is hard), meditation stool to aid in sitting in the position known in yoga as vajrasana.",
"RT @shakira: Get 150 extra entries to join us in Barcelona when you enter with promo code KIND150 by February 18 at 11:59pm PT. And make a
"- I retweeted that, because of how @shakira always looks amazing...wanted that on my profile page...",
May 31st tales and normal tweets from early morning (before 7 AM) right side up (unlike twitter) in blog (tumblr) link below:
https://t.co/uqO1soqH1v
"Its June already...another month in \"the situation\"...June 1st tweets...",
"You know, with the exception of one or two cousins, most of my family, maybe because of ‚the situation‚?! Is more loyal (for lack of a better word) to my parents, than me. Such is my revelation over the last 11 years. One cousin I lived close to, in India for a while, -",
"-he‚around my age, and should be a brother I can tell secrets to, or ‚hooks me up.‚Otherwise, he‚a very sincere/caring individual who is a real asset to our family. ‚Hook up‚ as in connect me -",
"- with my kind of women from his multicultural work establishment at TechnoPark or take me to a ‚todi shop‚ , where you get special kind of alcohol and spiced beef in this part of India, so that I can get different taste of life, make a memory, and have life experience. -",
"-He‚attending to my parents desire of keeping me as an individual who prays all day who needs to talk to someone, when that‚one side or nonexistent side to a guy who‚image is facing life‚obstacles in a leather jacket. -",
"-At this age and in my freakin‚ 20‚s, he chooses to be like a parent or uncle worried about what my parents think, or doing what my parents want for me, instead of thinking of what I as an individual need. All instead of being a brother or friend, understanding of me. -",
"-I think he‚d try to talk to me or ask me questions to get information for my parents and this undignified ‚thing‚ of a situation-very brotherly.-",
"-On a different note, I mean, he spends a lot of time knowing his kids, but my parents, no offense to them, don‚t listen to me when I speak because they‚re in a rush to speak or defend, and they don‚t know my likes/interests/hobbies.-",
"-Until recently, my mother didn‚t know my favorite color. She‚stubborn to the point where she won‚t try to learn either.They may have recently found out about such things like likes/interests/hobbies through the eavesdropping/stalking situation. -",
"-I mean, for the sake of a point, while in my very early 30s, it‚only now that I even shared with my mom, and not my dad, that I had two girl friends while in college. Some things like that, you cannot share with Indian parents until things get serious -",
"-and you want to move to the next chapter/adventure. I love my mom and dad, and would die for them and care for them in old age, but they don‚t know much about me. My memories of my mom, for instance, are of her cooking, cleaning, buying me clothes,-",
"-taking me to doctor appointments when sick, and used to paying tuition, and a lot of yelling - actual big things but nothing that requires a heart, it‚a parents duty. I tried telling her that, but no patience. She‚too busy taking it as an insult. -",
"-When Ive had any kind of problem in life outside of getting me a tutor for school or whatever when struggling, I‚ve been on my own. Never helped me with a problem. It‚culturally not allowed to talk to her about problems with a girl friend, fears you may be struggling with,-",
"-or the cherry on top: talking about ‚this situation‚ and its origins. It‚a hard sad d**che bag thing to say, but if I manage to get my own maid, there wouldn‚t be much to reminisce over my mom. -",
"-My dad is too busy philosophizing about family ideals &preaching. I mean he couldn‚t dream of making the religious points I do, or no offense, pray ‚heart fueled‚ prayers in the mind over ‚out-loud‚ mechanical singing/praying out of thinking that makes him a solid human being. -",
"-Both my parents need to listen more and talk less. When I share something I like or about myself with my mom, she‚ll be like, why are you telling me or will hammer @ something while I‚m talking, literally. I mean I tried correcting things with my mom by talking to her about it,-",
"-but you never get through, although forgivable on both sides as and when needed. On a side note, quality of life in India is understood as how religious you are and your spending power. Me using potential rent money on fitness equipment-",
"-and massage guns makes it seem like I have nothing to complain about. It‚adds to my family being unable to admit to problems, when I mention things to do with a life of meaning. Stuff like that gives life experience and teaches you what you want. -",
"-In my girl friend/wife, I need a woman who‚patient, listens, comprehends, and so forth...but back to the point about the cousin...-",
"-I mean, after a certain age, you want friends in ur family. In India, amongst my family, if a relative does a favor like sit with you for a day in mostly silence, at someone else‚suggestion, that means ur best friends.-",
"-All these random formalities and awkwardness arises with genuinely good, sincere people. My best friends are people who ‚do stuff with me or for me‚ and that I can ‚confide in.‚But I guess that‚where you gotta go out and meet people. -",
"-Family can‚t always be as you desire or expect, as life is complicated in its own respective way for everyone, be it through difficult personalities or cultural formalities.People need to find their kinda people to be friends and family. I‚ve heard:-",
"-‚Friends are the brothers and sisters God forgot to give us.‚",
"what else, what else....",
"I don‚t understand how the orchestrators overpower or left me under my parents. For that, do they meet all the criteria for their entertainment? Did anyone do psychological background checks on everyone involved for something as massive as this? -",
"-This could take a toll on my parents when they have to betray their son. This could take a toll on the orchestrators after 11 years of failure and lies. I mean parents‚ culture restricts them from letting me live the normal American life required of the ‚show.‚-",
"-For them, it‚religion all day/everyday(Christian that is). While they‚ve been in the country for 11 years & dealt with non Indian people, do they understand things or see things the way I have the potential of doing? Did they understand the depth & severity of this project?-",
"-&like a lot of minority parents, or parents from elsewhere,or who haven‚t been in America's love dovy way of handling things for generations, despite myParent‚undeniable love4me &willingness 2give me everything b4 this, theyd beat me as a child if I misbehaved/got a badGrade.-",
"-There were instances where my dad, who I don‚t see any less &just doing his job cuz of what Im used to, beat me w/a hanger till my legs turn red. But when American entertainment officials come along yrs later, does this kind of history check out w/ ur possible background check?-",
"-Did the orchestrators do their homework at all? Its amidst this kind of setting, that Ill punch a wall once or throw things twice in 11 years after days of provocation. In our normal lives, do the orchestrators think any of this matters or at least 2 us, as people, as a family?-",
"-For taking eleven years of my life, when I was at my prime, when friends have mine have become lawyers with beautiful couples and children, if I can take that kind of beating and what you did to me through these years along-",
"-with personal hardships and growth, wait till you see what I do to you, one by mine. Riches and glamour can‚t replace 11 years of torment. -",
"-Life is great, but between the orchestrators and me, it‚kind of like Jefferson Pierce in final few episodes of Black Lightning against Tobias Whale for killing his father and tormenting his family. Jefferson has a life with super powers. But when he loses them, -",
"-he faces Tobias in a showdown, where he accepts the possibility of death. I am willing to lose everything and end up on the street to see the orchestrators rot in jail for persisting, carelessly, in what is, my life.-",
"-You messed up my youth, my family, my chance at a 4.0 gpa education, the resulting career opportunities, my health, social opportunities, putting me through the indignity of having my world basically on team on speaking terms against me who they never talk to...-",
"- all for an America that I once compared to heaven because of its potential for altruism and representation from all over. Do the orchestrators realize what they set up today I had already without them years ago? Way to steal my life on \"multiple levels.\"-",
"-Enjoy the rest of our time together, orchestrators. U, the orchestrators, cowards, hide behind high end tech &possible authority figures or government contracts, but when we‚re face 2face, provoke me in person, I dare you, as urself, &me as me, not you doing ur weird mind cr*p.-",
"-Let‚see if the orchestrators have the b*lls, before one of us undeniably is guaranteed to go down, whoever it is.",
"moving on ... what else ...",
"I‚m honestly talking about my family and the situation, because after 11 years, through observations and the situation not ending, I‚m convinced no one is actually being honest about me. (I used the word ‚observations‚ in the last sentence.-",
"-Problem with using that word is that the orchestrators will forge the next setting with things for me to pick up on cuz they‚re psychotic and refuse to restore the natural setting and normalcy of my life-natural setting is what I‚ve been after for 11 years...)-",
"-I mean what comes to mind in seeing me without any of this in ur head, while not denying/hiding/ what‚happened to me over these 11+ years?! - THATS THE NATURAL SETTING. ONE directive, ONE instruction...and if taking care of what I‚m after was ur goal, this is it, ur done. -",
"-Doesn‚t require resources or effort on anyone‚part. It‚just people being themselves- natural.-mentioned/repeated multiple times in old complaints.) -",
"so now some normal tweets before I get on with my day...",
"So apparently, a massage gun isn‚t a substitute for foam rolling or stretching...",
"‚Tea tree hair and body moisturizer‚ leave in conditioner is, I think, the greatest hair gel ever. When my hair was thick and long, I used to use tea tree styling wax, topped off with Sebastian potion 9 leave in conditioner...but I really love the tea tree moisturizer...-",
"-the tea tree moisturizer...you can use it on ur hair and skin...wish this stuff existed ages ago...",
"-The kiehls blue eagle shave cream provides a smoother shave 4‚me‚ than their lotion...they have another version that I just want to try: the white eagle version-$7 more...I put ‚me‚ in quotes, cuz it might work for others...i think different men have different kinds of stubble.-",
"-There‚this one guy working at a coffee shop I go to, who‚got to be having the smoothest cleanest shave. You see no stubble. But I mean the concept of shave lotions are nice cuz you can just wipe off when done. -",
"With Shave creams, you gotta wash off, and washing ur face and neck in the sink just gets water everywhere.",
"‚Yogibo Support‚ is good for reading or looking at your phone on your bed. Google it.",
"I‚ve talked about punjabis and pagdiwalas, but that being said, if there are any Guju‚like Ameesha Patel, hit me up.",
"Best combination of an idea: get the DoorDash dash pass free trial for a month and if you have around a $150 rewards from ur credit card, transfer it to DoorDash gift card. It‚ll get you 2 weeks of outside food or restaurant food for breakfast, lunch, dinner. -",
"-Credit card rewards! Take advantage. Nice to use card with benefits-quite an incentive over cash. That‚how I‚ve been ordering food, if that too is part of the ‚entertainment‚, not cuz I‚m loaded. Just a regular guy under 11 years of hype. -",
"-Be natural. React in what comes to mind on seeing me, minus pre-exisitng cr*p in ur head, without hiding/denying the existence of that cr*p.",
June 1st accounts of family friends enemies desire for things to be natural and normal tweets - all right side up on tumblr blog link below:
https://t.co/386AQbxvzB
0 notes
Text
Whitmore Guy - xenomorph
Whitmore Guy masterlist
word count: 3076
warnings: things get serious
Four days later Y/N decided she should visit Mal and see how he is. Lord knows how he’s going to cope with all this. Elena suggested, in a flare of her classical empathy stroke, to help out with compelling if they find out the guy’s not doing good. Y/N went chilly inside upon imagining a sociopath derived of feelings, forgetting why there’s a whole in his mind.
Before showing up on his doorstep, she dropped by at the shop and bought him some ice cream. She didn’t recall talking about ice cream with Mal, which was strange, but she put all her faith in that bubble gum flavor would do good. It was her favorite, and the two of them had it all similar, plus, Mal was really into chemical, artificial stuff to put in his mouth. A big bucket of bright blue frozen mass held neatly under her arms, she entered the block of flats and got to the fourth floor. Just as she was about to knock on the door, it swung open, so energetically, as usual, like there was a tornado behind it.
Mal let his scruff grow, and now he looked about five years older, and even more handsome. His hands still had dark small cuts from the debris of the table.
“Oh my god!” he exclaimed. Y/N eyed him carefully. The dude was wearing his jean jacket and sweatpants, and he looked smashing, but also, not pale enough. He didn’t even have swollen eyes or grey bruises around them. He looked perfectly healthy, mature, and happy to see her.
“Y/N, are you reading my mind?” he took the ice cream bucket from her and pushed the door, letting her in.
She entered his place with curiosity. Y/N hasn’t been inside yet; should she happen to give him a lift, she usually let him out of the car outside and drove away.
It was messy as hell, like a normal dude’s apartment. The only neatly organized space was kitchen, where all the cutting boards, knives and plates lay in their places, all the ketlery seemingly kept in one color palette.
His room, though, was an expression of his temper. Bed was full of candy packages, and his clothes, his pastel and black hoodies, jeans and t-shirts scattered around the floor. He wasn’t completely mental though: his jackets and coats were hung in the closet, on hangers. The big TV was on, prepped against the wall right opposite his bed; Netflix was paused indicating that he’s been watching Alien.
“This is perfect”, he puffed, pulling his jacket off and throwing in onto a chair. “I was just about to go out for the ice cream, and there you are, like a little fairy, granting my deepest desires”.
He crashed back on bed, his lively black eyes fixated on her. Y/N stood above it, unsure what to do.
“Are you doing okay, Mal?”
He opened his mouth, looking at her, while he lay in his bed, stomach up, like a cat.
“Yeah, what do you mean?”
Two seconds passed until a bulb lit up in the depths of his brain.
“Oh, yes, of course. Martha’s dead. Love of my life is gone and I will never see her again. But I’m fine”.
Y/N took off her leather jacket and threw it on the same chair, to pair it with Mal’s. Thing was, she didn’t mind mess much as long as it wasn’t completely biologically hazardous. Clean kitchen did that for her.
“Care to elaborate? How did you manage to cope with it in four days? I thought you’d need a lot of support, quite frankly”.
She put the bucket on the nighstand and opened it with her nails.
“Do you have a spoon?”
Mal looked down his bed and then put his arm under the pillow, looked around the room and finally spotted a spoon on the stand under the TV. Y/N took it and stabbed the stone-frozen blue stuff. She sat on the bed, thanking heavens that Mal thought to move to give her some space. He took the bucket from her and unpaused the movie.
“You’ve seen this?”
“You kidding?”
She prepped herself against the pillow and sat comfortably.
“I had such a big crush on Sigourney Weaver when it first came out…” there were traces of tenderness in Mal’s voice.
“Repeat that, slower”, Y/N eyed him as he took a spoonful in his mouth.
“Well, obviously, I mean when it came out, like, for me. Don’t pick on my words, I’m mourning”.
“You don’t look like you are”.
“God, you’re lucky you’re cute and bring me food, lady”, Mal shook his head slowly, never looking away from the TV. “Hold on, he’s gonna start feeding now”.
They both allowed all their concentration into the movie. To be honest, Y/N loved that one.
“I love him so much”, she whispered under her breath as the Xenomorph jumped down from the ceiling, sweeping a guy away so fast it was almost like when vampires did it.
“Yeah?” Mal smiled. “You want some?”
Y/N nodded and took the spoon.
“He’s fast, and he’s perfect. He never talks too much, he just feeds and kills, you know. Even Predators admitted that Aliens were the best hunting prey and that they had a kind of respect for them because how awesome they are. Look at him. He’s so stealthy and pitch black, he’s flawless”.
“You wanna fuck a Xenomorph?” he asked with uncertainty.
“I guess I like all things terrible”.
Mal nodded with understanding.
The plot went on as they were slowly consuming ice cream, like a couple of disgruntled schoolchildren, only, they were both way too adult to be dramatic.
“So, what have you been doing here these days?” Y/N took another swing at trying to open him up.
Mal sighed.
“You know, stuff. Cried a little, cooked, ate a lot, slept. Then I remembered our conversation about movies and how you once said that you watch stuff that makes you happy when you’re down”.
“So, you decided to go with Alien”.
“Nah, sorry, monster fucker, but cenobites are my all-time favorites. I started with Hellraiser, yesterday. Rewatched all parts”.
“Damn it”.
“What?”
“I should’ve come yesterday. What are you going to do now?”
“Uh, Alien franchise?” he eyed her with confusion as he shoved the spoon in his mouth. He was eating it like a bear, without even looking, like it was soup. Mal had incredible stomach for sure, made of titan or such.
“No, I mean, you’ll have to return to work eventually. And live on”.
“Come on, it’s been four days. Give me a break. Plus, I don’t have to return to work – I moved in here because of my girlfriend, and now she’s dead, so technically I don’t have to work”.
“Fair enough”.
Y/N shivered at the thought of never seeing him at the college again. After nearly two months of being as thick as thieves she couldn’t imagine going on completely alone in that madhouse.
Was it weird that Mal seemed so indifferent? Yes and no. Y/N learned not to question the weird long time ago. She was surrounded by them. She was just alarmed at what he might do or feel when it finally hits him that Martha is really gone.
She left it alone. Y/N slid down a little, shook her head negatively when Mal tried to feed her; by the end of the first part they were spread on the bed like two starfish. The second chapter of Ripley’s blood freezing adventures began at about Five PM, and Y/N only realized she was almost drifting away when her phone rang.
“Hey”, she hung from Mal’s bed and grabbed her phone. It was Damon.
“Is he alive?”
“Yep”.
“Is he raging?”
“No, everything’s fine”.
She looked around and looked at the guy; the bucket in his hands was half-empty. Her eyebrows went up.
“Although I think he’s a bit suicidal”.
“Cool, hit me up if anything”.
Damon hung up.
“Who was it?”
“Mal, you shouldn’t eat it all at once, you’ll poison yourself”.
“I’m fine. Was it Damon?”
Mal embraced his bucket in case she tries to pull it away from him.
“No”.
His eyes narrowed.
“Why are you lying?”
Y/N clicked her tongue, falling back and crossing her legs.
“Because I don’t want you to think about him”.
Mal stared at her, thinking about something. Y/N looked at the birth mark on his neck and thought to herself that she lost completely. She couldn’t resist it anymore, the urge to be close to him, to hear what he says, gain the little smiles as she mused out loud. Her inner guts warmed up as she looked at this young man, and there was nothing she could do about this unyielding attraction, about the sheer feeling of liberty she experienced under his testing glance.
“You wanna see her pictures?” he asked suddenly.
“I thought you deleted them all”.
“No, I wanted to do it, but…” he shrugged, “you know how it is, I got really soft over the years we’ve been together”.
Y/N ran her hand through her hair.
“Sure”.
He took his phone, putting the bucket between their thighs. Y/N tried to snatch it away, but Mal caught her wrist.
“I’m eating it”.
“Mal, it’s really bad for you”.
“I know what I’m doing, mum”.
The film was going on, but they leaned to each other, looking at the screen of his smartphone. Mal didn’t delete shit, she thought, and discovered, she was angry. For heaven’s sake, Y/N, she thought, the girl’s died four days ago.
“That’s us in Carolina. We rented a little house”.
Martha was standing in the kitchen in a pretty dress, much like one Y/N had herself. But then again, it was a very fashionable model one summer, so a lot of girls had it. Think rationally.
“You travelled a lot?”
“Yeah, well, mainly in America”.
“And you’re from Ohio?”
“Uh-huh”.
Y/N looked at their picture in which they were sitting on the bank of a river.
“Where is it?”
“New Orleans. She loved that city, Martha. Tried to get me to move in there”.
“She’s got a good taste. Architecture in New Orleans is amazing”.
“She was also very much into home interiors. You know, sinks, bath tubs. I’ve never met a person before, who’d be so interested in fucking acrylic”.
Y/N looked up and they met eyes. Mal looked very serious.
“She was also very kind. You couldn’t tell at first, people used to say she was wicked. But compared to me, she was an angel. Maybe not the most people’s person, but she sure was unique”.
He blinked slowly, and his gaze went blank. Uh-oh, Y/N gathered, there it goes. Well, her arms are attached and she’s capable of holding him for as long as he needed.
“Have you ever been in love so hard it annoyed the hell out of you?” he asked.
Y/N tried to think of all the times she has been in love. In truth, she didn’t fall for somebody too often and easily, and the way this black-eyed boy made her feel was rather unusual.
She’s been in love with her classmate, Ashton, for about seven years, in and out. Never approached him. Never let him know. It was a simple teenage crush, with all the teenage drama, while Ashton was dating other girls.
She’s been in love with Damon so helplessly, so fully, it was painful. There was a time in her life when she thought she never needed anything else, that she could grab the whole bunch of the planet and throw it away, just to be with him. But he was unreachable, unimaginable. He was a titan, and she was a girl in a brown dress. She loved him loyally and openly, and he never budged, because Damon Salvatore, to his honor, only loved one woman in his very long life. And it wasn’t Y/N.
“I’ve been hurt”, she said, “and I’ve been rejected, but not annoyed, I don’t think so”.
Mal nodded coyly, his straight thin nose diving down as he looked at his phone laying in her palm.
“I was never supposed to get into that trap. I’m not the kind of person who is capable of…” he winced, as if remembering something, “loving, caring, all the human things. That was always bad for me. I never even had the urge. And then it turned out she was crafted for me, and I hoped, I – for her. All the things I thought I knew were just crashed, my brain couldn’t even cope. You know, Martha had a stamina, because those first months we’ve got together for real I hurt her a lot”.
Y/N stiffened a little.
“I confused everything I felt. I wanted to hold her, and squeezed her so hard she had bruises. I had this eerie feeling like I was crumbling down in pieces, and then realized it was my guards falling down. She completely destroyed the portrait of the person I thought I was”.
“Who did you think you were?”
Mal looked at her and said in such a tone as if it was obvious,
“A mistake”.
There were people at some point so vile that they completely convinced this pretty boy that he was unwanted, that he was supposed to be unmade. How do you fuck your child up so bad? Y/N wanted to ask what mental issues his parents must have had, and then decided she didn’t have the emotional capacity for it.
She considered it a little and then put her hand on Mal’s head, covering his left ear with her palm.
“Look at them”.
They both turned to the screen. There stood a Xenomorph, its jet black skin glistening like oil, slender flexible limbs standing firmly, elongated head and exquisitely made spine, like a handle of a harp.
“He’s perfect. And so are you, Mal”.
He bit his lower lip and suddenly dropped his head, bursting into giggles.
His large hands encircled her waist and pulled her close. Mal smelled like ice cream, and his skin, having its own scent, was warm under his soft shirt. Y/N couldn’t fight him as he sat back on the pillows, cradling her in his arms and putting his chin onto the top of her head.
“I know, Y/N. Now I know, I’m just saying, there was a time when I really believed all that crap my dad fed me. But Martha came along and, grossly, saved my dirty, black, violent soul”.
She put her head on Mal’s shoulder and outstretched her legs, feeling so cozy it threatened to put her to sleep again. Mal sighed, and his chest went up and down, and she rolled her eyes, savoring these moments, because she knew she couldn’t keep going.
“But then, of course, Damon took my girlfriend away”, he added.
She sat up so harshly he lifted both his hands for a second.
“Mal. You know it was someone else, right? She attacked him, but somebody had turned her before, and compelled her to try and kill Damon”.
Mal did it again. A second ago he was as fluffy as a bear, and now there was poison in the very air he exhaled from his nostrils.
“But it was him who ripped her heart out of her chest, right? Or are you going to tell me I should ignore it, too, like I did with her parents?”
“We need to find that… vampire who’s behind all these killings first”.
“I don’t care about them”, Mal waved his hand, “people die every day. In packs. My girl and what Damon did to her – that’s my focus. Are you going to stop me?”
They looked at each other, worms stirring in Y/N’s belly.
“You really don’t understand what’s wrong with this plan, do you?”
“I really think you keep trying to protect him because you still have feelings for him”.
She fell back on the pillows with a swing – and ceiling swayed for a moment. She could feel Mal’s eyes following her, drilling into her face.
“I really don’t”.
“You’re lying to yourself”.
His voice was dry like sand. Then he took the bucket from the stand and continued to eat, as if nothing happened.
By the end of Aliens Y/N fell asleep and woke up again when it was already dark. Mal turned on a night shade, and was still watching movies.
She opened her eyes and adjusted them, staring into the TV while laying on her side. Having completely come to her senses, she sat up, causing Mal to turn his head to her.
“You really blacked out”, he said with deep admiration.
She rubbed her neck and face, feeling even heavier than before.
“Oh god, why did you let me sleep… how long has it been?”
“A movie and a half”.
“I have to go”.
“Okay”.
Her glance travelled around the room and stopped at the empty bucket.
“You mental patient”, she hissed, “you really wanna kill yourself?”
He just smirked.
She got up from the bed, stretching her limbs and back, and yawned.
“You know, I think I will return to work”, Mal said.
“That’s a good idea, Mal. You’ll keep busy and won’t have to think about anything”.
He nodded.
Mal didn’t get up to close the door after her, so she had to “just bang it harder” herself. As she left the building, the warm summer air started to put things in order in her mind.
She drove to her house and was standing in front of the mirror in her room in thirty minutes. Her hand lay on her throat as she was examining herself. She wasn’t going crazy, was she? She remembered putting on her necklace that morning, a pretty one, wrapping tightly around her neck. Now, it wasn’t on her desk, and it wasn’t on her, so? She took off her shirt and checked for any kinds of marks on her skin. There was nothing. All the things with Mal were so intense, so sexual and strange, she couldn’t put her mind to rest. She didn’t know why she didn’t phone him right away, and she didn’t know why she wouldn’t believe his deeply sad eyes even after he showed her their pictures with Martha.
She also didn’t remember ever telling him about the movies that make her feel happy.
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The Descent
Pairing: Lee Taeyong x OC, (minor) Johnny Suh x OC x OC, (former) Kim Taehyung x OC
Rating: 18+
Warnings: swearing, suggestive content, implied drug use
Pt. I
Words 4,263
Genre: Fantasy, Fallen Angel AU, slow burn
Synopsis: Vada spends her days working in a restaurant, letting all the desires of her true nature remain mostly unfulfilled. Where passion had once been in her life she is left with only half memories—secrets of her past that haunt her heart. A man with blue hair catches her attention he and his friend begin to ignite the feelings within her that have long been dormant.
You had known a man like that as a sophomore in college. He had been your dorm roommate’s boyfriend, and he had radiated an unfamiliar energy. He was ethereal and his aura pulled you in. One time you asked how he got the two scars on his back “I had my wings ripped off,” he joked. He was gorgeous, but one day he was just gone and your roommate curled up in her tiny bed to weep over everything Kim Taehyung had taken and given.
He had made you look twice when you had first seen him a month ago. He rode a bicycle and his blue hair ruffled in the wind, you couldn’t help but look at him—the ethereal beauty you had seen before in someone else. It had become routine to see him as you walked to work: he would fly past, his shirt billowing, sometimes followed by a hooded figure with downcast eyes on a longboard. Eventually, his eyes would catch yours as he passed: they were deep brown and calming, there was always a twinkle of hope to be seen in them for a fleeting moment as he sped by. You noticed days you didn’t see him, they felt slightly emptier and work would be lacklustre.
“Vada?” You snapped to attention as your coworker said your name,
“Yeah, sorry, what did you say?” You quickly replied as you went back to whisking a pastry cream twice as hard.
“Katerina needs to know what to put on the menu for the desserts this week.”
“Oh, um,” Devo had caught you at a bad time as you were daydreaming about a blue haired stranger. “I made a white cake filled with almond pastry cream between the layers and an Italian meringue icing; I have blood orange panna cotta setting right now, which will be served with a blueberry sauce...oh! I’m making trifle with the leftover cupcakes, and I’m going to make a chocolate cherry mousse and serve it in martini glasses.” You noticed that Devo didn’t write any of this down and braced yourself for when Katerina would inevitably come and nitpick your work. You furiously whisked in the eggs yolks and were relieved that the cream remained perfectly smooth as it took on a yellow hue. You felt as though you could probably whip up a triple batch of pastry cream in your sleep, so thinking about the two men that chose a bicycle and a longboard as their methods of transport in a hilly city like San Francisco kept your brain busy.
A handsome man caught your eye for a second as you walked home with your bag of groceries. His eyes met your gaze and you felt unable to turn away. A chill came over you and you felt that his eyes were enough to suffocate you in the crowded sidewalk, every step drew each of you closer together. You fought back a grimace as the street narrowed and the mass of people were forced closer together. You were able to force your gaze from him, but the stranger’s arm bumped into your shoulder as he walked past. The hair on your neck prickled, your stomach felt like ice; he felt wrong. You couldn’t shake the feeling of repulsion even when you got home and set your TJ’s bag on the counter and began to unpack it.
“Hey, Vada,” your roommate greeted you without even looking at you as she breezes from the bathroom, through the tiny living room, and into her bedroom before shutting her door. You could hear two voices through the door; Brian must have been over and now they were getting ready for a night out. You considered an evening spent at home alone: you weren’t much of a Netflix watcher, and a string of bad first dates had left you in a dry patch romantically. You couldn’t go out with Ana and Brian, because you had fucked Brian first and now it felt awkward because he wasn’t quite your sloppy seconds; he just mostly was.
You ate the dinner you had brought home in a to-go container from work; it was delicious and the flavours were balanced, an array of textures should have been enough to excite your palate, but tonight it felt as tantalizing as eating cardboard. You picked up a book; any attempts to read it failed as you continuously got up to scour the cupboards and fridge for anything attractive. You spent the evening fidgety and almost...hungry. It was an odd sensation, a mix of physical hunger; for food, excitement, sex—anything to pull you from the mundane— and an even deeper hunger: a yearning. You thought of the blue-haired man on the bicycle, a warm and pleasant feeling filled you. It was the exact opposite sensation that you had felt from the other stranger while walking home. A streetcar outside the window clanged and you rolled over in bed, irritated by its sound.
The next day the blue-haired man was not to be seen on the way to work. A somewhat familiar feeling of unfulfillment took hold of you upon reaching your apartment at the end of the day. While you got ready to out to a bar with Devo you remembered someone else filling you with that feeling before: warmth, hunger, and insatiability that you couldn’t describe. You flinched like a wounded animal when you recalled the sharp grip of guilt that had clawed at you in punishment for giving in to such base desires.
“Here, you look like you could use it,” Devo said, sliding you his Manhattan as he ordered another.
“A Manhattan?” You looked at him skeptically.
“Sophisticated; like me,” he immediately quipped “No, but seriously, what happened in the two hours since I last saw you?”
“I guess I’m just kinda bored and very lonely.” You take a sip of your drink, already regretting the lasting taste the alcohol leaves on your tongue and the cloying aroma it will leave on your skin.
“What about your roommate?”
“She’s out with Brian,” you weren’t jealous, or at least not of the Brian factor, but no one would have possibly known that from the way you gulped down the rest of your drink.
“The one you fucked first?” Asked Devo.
“Yes,” you replied with a laugh in his direction, “The one I fucked-first. I’m very generous that way, you know, bringing people together like that.”
You and Devo’s friend, Adrian (boyfriend, but Devo’s parents don’t approve and, no, he doesn’t want to talk about it) must nearly carry poor, drowsy Devo back to his little bachelor apartment. It’s tidy but dark; there’s enough room for two men in love as long as lavish amenities like oxygen aren’t that important to you. The only pieces of furniture are a bed, two bean-bag chairs in front of a TV sat on the floor and a table in the kitchen area that’s used as an extra counter when Devo is experimenting with a new culinary delight at home.
“Vada, let me walk you home,” Adrian tells you right after you two have put Devo in his bed.
“Sure, thanks,” you tell him. You like Adrian, but he proves to be a slow walker and a fast talker on the way home. He asks you what Devo is like at work—Devo is the first guy he’s gone out with since moving to San Francisco from Ohio.
“What brought you out here?” He’s young and curious: Devo is the mutual friend, but no one talks about your past because the parts you make public are boring and you keep all the gritty and smutty stories to yourself.
“UC Berkeley,” you sighed, but not audibly. “My dream school; I dropped out Junior year, first semester.”
“Shit, didn’t like it?”
“Nah, it’s a great school, it just wasn’t what I wanted at the time.”
“What did you do after that, I mean before working as a pastry chef?” Damn, could he walk any slower.
“Just kinda bummed it on what I had leftover from student loans,” Liar. Someone had gotten you a lucrative job as a stripper in a club off of Broadway. You thanked Adrian and quickly left him out on the street as you hurried up the two flights of stairs to your apartment. There wasn’t a sound from Ana’s room, but empty takeout containers sat on the counter illuminated in the dark kitchen by a strand of lights that hung above the sofa. Your mouth felt dry as your senses were suddenly overcome with the bass of loud club music and a hint of chemical cleaner to cover up the odour of spilled alcohol. Your skin felt sticky with sweat and your hands felt grimy from money—but when you opened your eyes it was just a little two-bedroom apartment in a house with a blue facade staring back at you. It was not special, it was not grand; there were fairy lights strung up and a half-dead cactus (too much water) in the corner. You could close your eyes and remember a room for special guests who wanted a private show...after they inhaled from a blue balloon they were too out of it to do anything more to than slip a hundred into your g-string.
That night you had a dream (or maybe it was a nightmare, but it wasn’t all bad) that you were back in your Berkeley dorm. You laid in the bed and felt warm and full, it felt like happiness but there was a dusting of excitement: a *secret*—which is sometimes just a cute word for a lie. Your limbs felt tangled and you could hear yourself whispering, which was strange because you felt that you were alone until Ally came in and saw you on your little bed and started crying as she shouted and threw items from her side of the room at you. She didn’t want your apologies—were they yours? The dream began to feel claustrophobic; Ally wouldn’t talk, only cry and push away any comforting hands and you could feel yourself standing there...were you apologizing? watching? All you knew was that guilt was suffocating you.
You felt him before you saw him. For the first time, you were aware that you weren’t the only one who looked at him as he passed by on his bicycle. His gaze was as welcoming as a lover’s kiss and his eyes still felt hopeful and warm. You thought (foolishly? hopefully?) that he only looked at you.
You saw him again the next morning and you brazenly returned his gaze: his eyes were like a deer’s, you wanted to spend hours staring into them because they felt safe, welcoming, nonjudgemental. His sharp jawline made your mouth water, but the small smile that broke from his beautiful lips made you feel warm and happy.
Devo came to where you worked in the kitchen to complain about the new line cook.
“Does he ‘Yes, Chef!’ too much for your liking?” You ask him with a straight face.
“No—“
“Oof, he reeks of Axe—“
“No,—“
“Does he have mutton chops like the last guy? Those were gross.” Devo often came to you to complain about the new staff. You enjoyed listing off his complaints about coworkers more than you would like to admit.
“This dude just...creeps me out. Like, he seems nice and everything, but fuck, this sounds ridiculous, I just get this really bad vibe from him, you know? It’s like bad...energy.” You stifled your laugh because Devo was so earnest.
“Well, I feel like I have to meet him now.” You say wiping sticky sugar from your hands and setting a timer on your phone.
“He’s nice! He just makes my skin crawl,” Devo nodded and laughed as he said this before heading back to his prep station.
“Behind, oven door!” You said loudly as you stepped onto the line to put a sheet of rolls on the oven.
“Oh, hey, Vada?” The chef addressed you,
“Yes, chef?”
“This is our new line cook, Johnny.”
The tall cook turned to you and despite having not seen his face before today you knew, you felt that he was the man on the longboard.
“Hey,” Johnny gave a small wave “Vada...I like that name, have I seen you somewhere before? You look really familiar.” He looked at your face intently for a moment before you spoke.
“Um, no I don’t think so. I haven’t worked at many restaurants before.” Being under his gaze felt like a microscope, but...it wasn’t a bad feeling. He shook his head as if to get rid of a thought.
“Well, it is nice to meet you, Vada.” Johnny offered his hand for you to shake. There was a strange and sudden internal pull when you grasped his hand and he must have felt it too by the way he smirked at you.
You couldn’t be sure that he was the longboard guy; when Johnny left work he left on foot to catch a tram. He was talkative and easygoing, behind his outgoing demeanour there seemed to lurk a sedate and tormented individual. You could only see it sometimes: it was there behind his eyes as he worked, sometimes it was written on his face for just a second before the jovial mask would return. Devo avoided him as best he could and Johnny (strangely) didn’t seem at all offended, regardless of how obvious Devo was.
“Drinks and staff night out at Gus’s tonight!” Katerina yelled into the kitchen as closing started. You quickly cleaned up your work station and grabbed a bucket of cutlery for polishing to help the servers get out faster. An hour later the group of you were turning out the lights and locking up, stuffing the split tips into a safe place to be spent later on. Gus’s Bar was a short walk and extremely casual and therefore suitable for a bunch of sweaty kitchen workers.
“First round is on me,” Katerina stated as she sat down at the bar and the old barkeep slowly approached while he was polishing a glass. He nodded and remained quiet as everyone placed their orders, never writing anything down, and began to make drinks more efficiently than you had ever seen in your life. The barkeep (possibly Gus) soon had a row of drinks up for all of you. As soon as Johnny downed his first in one go he exclaimed with a mischievous glint in his eye:
“Third round is on me!” He winked at you as you realized what that meant because no one had offered to buy a second round.
“I guess I’ll buy round two,” said one of the waitresses with a chuckle, her long, blonde waves shaking as she laughed. You felt pleasantly buzzed after round three, not really needing a lot more but also not anywhere near turning down an offer for another one. You ordered a whiskey sour—neat; this one you were paying for. You sat between Miles and Johnny at the bar: Miles was laughing at everything anyone said but paying you no mind because you just wanted to sit there and enjoy the feeling.
“I know where I know you from now,” Johnny spoke resting his arms on the bar comfortably.
“Oh yeah, where?” You grinned at him, unfazed.
“The Velvet Angel,” he said it loud enough that you knew you could only hear him, but you still felt that your heart stopped for a few moments. His eyes stayed on your face, but your thoughts raced and your mouth felt dry when you realized what this meant.
“How did you—“ you began licking your lips
“Don’t worry, I won’t say anything—it’s our secret.” He assures you upon noticing your hands shake as you tried to bring the whiskey sour to your mouth. You looked at him, blushing at how kind and welcoming his gaze seemed despite the fact you felt nearly like drowning. You wanted to run away...but you couldn’t, not from Johnny. Everything seemed foggy, but you finished your drink and ordered another. Adrian came and you felt the brush of his hand on your back as he said ‘hello’ and you thought you must have said something back but you couldn’t remember. Miles fell asleep with his head on the bar as Johnny comfortably nursed a beer on your other side. Strangers came and went, and one by one your coworkers left until it was just the three of you—two if you considering that Miles was passed out.
“Do you know where he lives?” Johnny asked you as he finally finished his beer.
“No,” you had to clear your voice as it cracked from disuse. Why weren’t you more shattered, why did this not feel so bad to have Johnny know of your past life.
“I have someone in my couch at my place, can Miles crash at your place?” You wanted to ask Johnny if it was the blue haired man of your fantasies that was on his couch. That thought felt silly and hopeful, especially because you were nearly just operating off of a hunch.
“Yeah, I don’t think my roommate will mind. Wait—“ You grabbed Johnny’s arm as he moved to get up and, you thought, leave. “—I don’t think I can move him by myself,”
Johnny chuckled at your panic, and you felt your face heat up even more than just from the alcohol.
“Don’t worry, I’ll get him home for you; I won’t leave you.” He said as he gently patted your shoulder. Johnny went to help Miles up, but the young man turned out to be drunker than expected and your jaw dropped as Johnny picked up Miles easily and began to carry him out.
“Are you okay to carry him by yourself? That’s not what I meant when I said I couldn’t; I can help if you want!” You called after him, nearly tripping out of your barstool and trotting to catch up with his long strides.
“No, I’m fine, he’s light. Just walk us in the right direction.”
It’s quite a few minutes before you pluck up the courage to say anything to Johnny about The Velvet Angel. You choose your words carefully, wanting to keep the conversation lighthearted.
“No offense, but you don’t really seem like the type of person that would have frequented The Velvet Angel.” You finally say.
“A man?” Johnny joked after a moment. His breathing wasn’t laboured even though he was carrying another person up a hill.
“No, I mean, like that place had other stuff going on.” You began to feel uncomfortable, maybe you had completely misread him.
“Oh...you mean the private rooms and the balloons...well, I try to avoid that a bit now, but I haven’t always.” His voice was soft and low, you turned to look back at him and there was that sad tortured look again. You regretted saying anything.
“I think I deserve some credit for remembering your face, though.” Johnny suddenly quipped with a shy smile.
“Yes, that was very gentlemanly of you,” you replied sarcastically.
“It was the expression you wore on your face,” he began after a pause, “Some of the women...you could really tell that you were just paying to see their body, and some liked to play as if they were teasing you, but you—your face was that of a lover.”
“A lover?” You dubiously queried.
“It’s… You looked like someone in love, your eyes invited an intimacy if you looked closely enough. You didn’t look fake or cheap, it was all art and the beauty of love in your face.”
Your mouth felt dry, and your walking slowed down as Johnny spoke. Love, what did that even feel like? Did you remember, had you ever known it? There was a void where memories of feelings like that should be stored. All you could remember was guilt...disgust, remorse, and guilt. You had slowed to a stop without realizing it.
“Are you okay?” Johnny asked, worried as he stopped by your side. You looked at him, unable to form a complete thought until the building behind Johnny took shape in the dark.
“This is my house.” You finally manage as you lick your lips and think to take keys from your bag. You unlock the main front door and hold it open as Johnny walks in carrying Miles.
“I live on the second floor, I’m so sorry,” You grimace thinking of him having to carry another man up the stairs.
“I said not to worry about it, Miles is light.” And he easily carries him to your apartment where Miles is laid on your sofa with a pillow from your bed and a spare blanket.
“Thank you so much, I hope you don’t have too far to go.” You tell Johnny as he walks toward your door to leave.
“Nah, it’s fine. It would be faster if I had my longboard, but I can catch a bus.” He shrugged.
“You have a longboard?” You asked, hoping you didn’t sound too curious.
“Yes,” he turned to you and chuckled a little “But you already knew that.” He couldn’t see your blush in the dark. How could he have known that you suspected him?
“Vada,”
“Mhm,”
“If you ever want to meet Taeyong...all you gotta do is ask.” In the hallway, a streetlamp illuminated his face enough for you to see his grin and wink in your direction before turning around and trotting down the steps and out.
———————————————————-
The blue haired man is absent for the rest of the week, but on Saturday night you follow Johnny out the back door to shout after him:
“I want to meet him; I want to meet Taeyong.” Johnny sets his longboard down and pulls his phone out to check it before he answers you.
“Okay,” he looks at you with a slow grin, “I’ll find out when he’s free. Now get back to work, I gotta hot date I have to meet.” He winks at you as he gets on and rides off.
You feel giddy—butterflies like a schoolgirl when you get back inside the restaurant. You have trouble sleeping that night: trying to figure out every possible scenario as to how Johnny knew about your hunch; all the ways you could meet Taeyong, and imagining a first date in which you were overflowing with wit, intelligence, and good things to say; and also a terrible dread and anxiety that Taeyong was just some random person and not the man with the blue hair.
Your eyes are bleary the next day, the cookbook in front of you seems to keep going out of focus.
“Fucking shit!” You curse as you burn your hand on a cake pan, a silent stream of fucks threatened to be uttered by your tongue as you cup your tender wound. Disheartened, you peer into a mixing bowl of clumpy custard. It will need to be strained. Nothing is going right and you feel frazzled. You check the fruit purée in the freezer to see if they have set in their molds yet—they haven’t. You go up to the main kitchen and pour yourself a coffee with extra cream, avoiding the warmth of the mug with your burnt hand. It’s not a glamorous place to enjoy a coffee or a five-minute break, but the sun lights up the alley and even the dumpster doesn’t look too bad in this lighting.
He hops lightly off his bike as he reaches the alley corner, his frown is matched by your own. The hood of his sweater is up but it doesn’t stop the blue fringe from peaking out. He walks straight up to you with his bike, his frown softens and his eyes look like two inviting pools of melted chocolate.
“Is Johnny here?” He asks after a moment of you staring at him. You nearly choke as you try to speak and swallow your spit at the same time—
“Um, no he hasn’t come into work yet.” You finally manage after clearing your throat. The beautiful man’s frown returns and he almost seems to scowl at the back of the restaurant.
“He was off early last night, and said he was meeting up with a hot date.” You added, it felt rude but you were really unable to take your eyes off of him.
He looked back at you, a smile playing at the corners of his mouth. His expression was safe and inviting and you suddenly felt less bad for having been staring at him.
“He didn’t come home after his date, and I can’t reach him on his phone; so I thought I’d check here just in case.” His grip on the bike loosened and tightened. Finally, he shyly averted his eyes for a second before offering you his hand to shake.
“It’s nice to finally meet you; I’m Taeyong.” His eyes confidently search yours out when he says his name.
“I know—“ you want to slap yourself as the words fall from your lips, but your hand meets his and you feel a warm and familiar pull in your very core. “I mean, my name is Vada.” You blush as you stumble over the words.
“I know,” and a soft blush breaks out over his smooth cheeks, his grip on your hand never loosening.
#cznnet#lee taeyong scenarios#lee taeyong fanfic#johnny suh scenarios#lee taeyong#nct fanfic#nct smut#kim taehyung#kpop fanfiction#kpop fanfics#kpop smut#nct 127#nct scenarios#lee taeyong smut#johnny suh#johnny nct#taeyong nct#nct AU#kpop au#lee taeyong au
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swept away // t.h.
hello, new writing blog here! i have another writing blog for a different fandom, but i wanted to make a separate one for t.h./p.p. scenarios. since this is new, i’ll be writing for prompts that interest me, but you can send in some as well for blurbs and whatnot!
genre: some angst, some fluff, pining, uni!au
prompt: you’re baking cookies in the communal kitchen at 3am and you’re really angry and hungry (adjustment from the prompt where another person is angry and hungry)
length: ~1.8k
This should not become a habit, you think to yourself. In fact, it shouldn’t have happened enough to begin with to even come close to becoming a habit, but after a couple of nights with too much alcohol and hangovers you’d rather never experience again, you’re here.
Here, in this communal kitchen, at 3 in the fucking morning, baking chocolate chip cookies in the oven.
Yes, homemade cookies are better. Yes, the tear-apart cookies from the grocery store are low-key trash. Yes, you know that they’re really not that good for you. But no, your professor decided to be an insufferable asshole during a physical chemistry lab session for the fifth fucking time, and you’re going to unwind somehow. You know that if you don’t, someone else will get the bad end of the stick aka someone will unfairly be on the receiving end of your murderous stare and you’d rather not get on anyone’s bad side. There’s a part of you that desires to be liked by everyone, which is probably 80% of the explanation as to why you let this asinine professor walk all over you for four hours a week.
So here you are, messy hair, lids heavy, eye bags dark, curled up in a chair and staring angrily at the oven, just waiting for the cookies to cook and let themselves be devoured by you. In the last few times, no one has been here, and you’re not worried about anyone catching you clad in a fandom hoodie and stained sweatpants.
As you’re thinking about all the different ways you could “accidentally” spill a harmless but staining chemical on top of your professor’s hair (especially the one that he very first yelled at you about because he truly thought you were stupid enough to not wear gloves, but instead the chemical had stained past the nitrile for fuck’s sake), soft padded steps make themselves known behind you. Naturally, you freeze and peer into the reflection of the oven cover, eyes trying to make out the details of the person behind you. A young man walks in donned in an oversized t-shirt with some scrawled text on it and pink pajama pants who later jumps back when he spots you around the corner. You watch him flinch in the reflection and almost drop his unwrapped bags of microwave popcorn before you turn in your chair and just...stare.
He’s cute. Despite the outfit, he’s ridiculously cute, and you can’t find the energy to muster a smile or even say hi. So essentially, he’s receiving a bitch stare while fumbling with the unpopped popcorn, finally managing to place it correctly in the microwave and glance in any direction but you, his fingers tapping rhythmically against his thigh. Your 3AM, sugar-addicted brain decides that it’ll do the stupid thing and force you to speak.
“Don’t you have a microwave in your own room?”
Cutie in pink zips around to look at you, completely bewildered, and he clears his throat. “Well..uh..the uh, um...microwave in my room is broken. Housing hasn’t come by to fix it,” he mumbles towards the end, your ears picking up a British accent. You hum in understanding and take a glance back at the timer on the oven, gauging whether or not your cookies needed more time. They’ve got a couple of minutes.
“Housing can take forever sometimes,” you add, trying to sound empathetic. “Both bags of popcorn are for you?”
“No,” he replies, sounding slightly offended. You throw your hands up in innocence, fighting a smile. “My mate and I are having a movie marathon. What about you? I can smell the cookies.”
“Yep, all 12 for myself. One of those days, you know? And it’s perfectly fine to have 2 bags of popcorn to yourself. Lord knows I’ve done it,” you snort, thinking about how just two weeks ago, the two bags of butter popcorn had become your dinner on a night that you needed to really hunker down and study.
“One of those days? Wanna talk about it?” He asks while listening for the number of pops in the microwave. Harrison would never forgive him if he burned popcorn because he was too busy talking to a girl.
“Well,” you rub your temples and stand up to take the cookies out of the oven. “Long story short, I have an asshole professor and I see him way too much for my own liking. If he makes another snide sexist comment about women being in science, I’ll be sorely tempted to complain to someone higher up.” Your hand picks up a cookie to check the bottom and nods in approval. “Want one?” You ask over a cookie in your mouth, handing the tray to the boy who’s putting in the second bag of popcorn.
He shrugs, “Thanks.” Doing the smart thing, he blows a bit on the cookie first before popping half of it into his mouth, eyes closing in satisfaction at the warm chocolate hitting his tongue. “Anyone who argues that warm cookies aren’t the best things sent to Earth, I have half a mind to have a go at ‘em.”
“I’m with you on that,” you laugh. “Better this than alcohol. Wanna take some more for your friend?”
“Yeah sure. Actually,” he pauses, gazing deeply into the microwave. “You wanna come watch the movies with us? Bring the cookies there too?” His eyes are full of hesitation and he chews nervously on the inside of his lip. Maybe he was too forward, maybe he was too friendly, maybe --
“Why not?” You shrug, said too fast and partially out of need for human contact and partially because the popcorn smells too good. It’d be nice to balance out the sweetness with some salt. “I hope they’re good movies.”
“Trust me, we have great taste in movies.”
And that’s how you found yourself following a cute British boy to his room with a tray of cookies and a warm heart.
-
Things had kicked off since then, the surprised look on Harrison’s face that day still ingrained into your mind. You had also passed out on Tom’s shoulder and woken up with a sore back on the couch, both boys missing but a note on the table for you. Since then, numbers had been exchanged and a group chat formed. Tom has taken to asking you if you want cookie dough every time he goes to the grocery store now, and their room never seems to run out of microwave popcorn. Late night sessions turned into not-so-late rants, sometimes just tiredly knocking on their door and either one of the boys opening it for you. Sleep is important, and not only for the weak.
Yet when being caught up in the wind of things, you couldn’t deny that you felt something for Tom. College was a busy time and yes, you should have fun, and yes, you should shoot your shot or whatever the Internet says these days, but the fear of rejection outweighs the possible acceptance. Things are too good with Tom and you wouldn’t want to lose that. You know that if Tom denied your feelings, you’d immediately run away and lock the door on your heart for who knows how long. You’d abandon all traditions and any paths that could cross with them, foreshadowing that if you ever did see them, the embarrassment would overtake you. At that moment, you would want nothing more than to dig a hole and stay in it for the rest of eternity.
“You’re being so dramatic,” you mutter to yourself, knees bent as you lay on a throw pillow against the arm on Tom and Harrison’s couch and flip through their Netflix. The microwave had long been fixed, and though your ears can definitely register the sound of corn kernels aggressively hitting the sides of the bag, they evidently didn’t catch Tom coming to see if you’d made a choice on a movie yet.
“Who’s being dramatic, darling?” He asks in a genuinely curious tone and you almost want to smack yourself in the head.
“Harrison,” you fib, mind scrambling for a scenario. “He’s watching the popcorn like a hawk.”
“Oi!” He yells from the corner where the microwave is. “We can’t be having burnt popcorn under this roof, not on my watch.”
You give Tom the look, the kind that says see what I mean? and it only makes Tom laugh, which makes you happy because that’s the sound that dissolves any of your worries for the day. Well, except the one where you might accidentally burst and confess your undying affection for the guy. Other than that, it’s one of the few things that can really calm you down and let you relax.
As Harrison dumps the popcorn into a bowl, Tom comes to sit next to you and your feet naturally pick themselves up to give him his space. He then pushes them back down so you can spread your legs over his to create a perpendicular model, and you try to ignore how the motion makes your heart flutter or how just his hands on your legs send heat surging through your system. It’s not fair -- no person should have such an effect over another human being. Can this be illegal? Can this not be allowed?
While thoughts are swirling in your brain, Tom can only think about how much he craves the moments like these, the ones where you’re comfortable enough to be in a position like this, the ones where you sometimes crash in his bed and he gets to see what your sleeping face is like. He prides in the fact that you seek him out on the rough days, that you see him as a source of comfort. Tom wants nothing more than to be that and more for you, just for you. It’s sappy, it’s gross, it’s cheesiest of all cheesiness, but he can’t even find it in himself to be embarrassed by how enamored he is with you.
Harrison had caught on long ago on how whipped he was. “Just tell her bruv,” he pushed one time when Tom had gotten a little tipsy in their dorm. “What’s the worst that could happen?”
“She rejects me and never wants to see my face again,” Tom had immediately slurred back and his eyebrows had sagged into the saddest kicked-puppy look that Harrison had ever seen for the first time in a while. Of course, he rolled his eyes to let Tom know that he was being unreasonable. Clearly, you were just as smitten, but both of you were as blind as bats.
With the apprehension that neither will accept the other, both you and Tom have learned to become content with whatever is happening now. But at the end of the day, when good nights have been said and lingering hugs given, you and he both can’t help but wish for just a little more time with each other.
Just, a little more.
#tom holland#peter parker#tom holland x y/n#tom holland x reader#tom holland scenarios#uni!au#college!au#tom holland angst#tom holland fluff
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I’ve been tagged a lot lately, which is awesome and I want to thank you all for that! :) To this one I was tagged by @charlotte-lancer.
Play time: List your five favourite movies and why, then tag some more players.
This is actually extremely hard question as I’m a massive movie freak. I watch so many movies and I pretty much watch anything that is not a) romantic movie b) romantic comedy or c) a horror movie. Thrillers are okay, but I don’t like movies that build up a certain tension. I have anxiety disorder of my own so I don’t need anything to add more fuel into it.
I also own so many dvds and blurays that I had to go and see my collection to remember what I even like and I still feel like there’s tens of movies that should make to the list but I don’t want to remove any of the existing ones because they should be on the list as well! But I will mention here 5 movies that mean something to me or that I have attached to for whatever reason, but I’d say only the first one in the list is actually the favouriteFAVOURITE movie, the rest are in just a random order. I’ll put this under the read more link as this is gonna be a veeeery long post!
Beetlejuice (1988)
I am a fan of Tim Burton. I have seen his movies so many times and I love Danny Elfman’s scores especially in his movies. In fact, when I was a kid, Burton’s movies were always my fave ones but I was probably a teenager when I finally started to connect the dots and realized my favorites were always from the same man. And so were the scores too! This is also one of those movies from my childhood that I have seen so, so many times and I have called different Burton movies as my favourite movies but somehow I just always go back to Beetlejuice and then one day I just realized that hey, why do I even try to choose the one as this apparently IS the favourite one! So, this is my fave from Burton AND from all the movies I have seen.
And why? The humour is just perfect here, I live from dark humour and there’s so much of that in the movie! And I have also always been so fascinated by the idea of death not being permanent, makes my fear of death a lot easier. As you might know already, this movie is about a couple who die and become ghosts and try to survive with the family moving into their old house, trying to make them move out but failing. And I just LOVE how Burton has imagined what death is like! There is so much to see and I feel like I see something new every time I watch that movie and I just love it when movies or any media has so much details in it. And I have always been saying that if death is like the one in Beetlejuice (I said it for the third time now, whooooops), I’m really happy to die one day.
The Dark Knight (2008)
This I just HAVE TO include into this list because of memories. I was 17 when this movie came out. I remember not being interested in the newer Batman movies at all but then one day I watched Batman Begins (2005) from tv and the last frame of that movie caused me to go crazy and I knew that the next movie would be even more interesting. Then it was confirmed that TDK will have the Joker in it and I’ve been a Batman fan since I was 7-8 years old and Joker has always been my fave villain from the Batman universe. I was watching the 60s tv show as a kid and I had seen Burton’s Batman (1989) many times before as well, and that movie also has the Joker in it.
A remember following the news of the movie so closely all the time and I remember the news about hem casting Heath Ledger, who was a new name for me but seemed very interesting for the role, but sadly passed away before the movie even came out. When the movie finally did come out, I was so blown away by Ledger’s work as the Joker that I still cannot decide who has been my favorite Joker of all times. But he’s at the very top of that list, for sure. And that whole movie was just the best thing the 17-years-old me had seen in a while that I actually did go to see it 3 times in the movies. I even drew kind of fan art of the movie and I had 2 TDK Posters on my walls, as well as 2 Joker posters on my walls and I still plan on hanging the Why so serious? poster to somewhere one day.
As a side note, I also like Christopher Nolan’s other movies a lot but TDK is definitely a favorite from them. I have seen almost all of his other movies and they all are really fascinating and interesting and I just love Hans Zimmer’s music and the combination is so perfect. I have to mention that my other favorites are definitely Interstellar (2014), The Prestige (2006) and Inception (2010).
Life of Brian (1979)
I’m a Monty Python fan and this movie is yet again a part of my childhood. I have seen this movie millions of times and I never get bored with it and I never get over how funny the jokes are. I will laugh for the same jokes every time, no matter how many times I would watch this movie. My favorite scene is simply the one where Brian jumps into this pit and the man there starts jumping and finally notices the crowd and hides again. I cannot explain why, but I just find things like that way too funny :DDDDDDDDDD And it’s not even close as funny when I try to explain it, so look for yourself. I’m still losing it during that scene XD
And it’s not only funny, but it also has some really smart, hmmmm, perceptions of the world to it. I love that scene where Brian is trying to tell the people not to follow him because they don’t need to follow anyone and they’re individuals and should use their own brains, and these people just don’t understand a thing, they will just praise the ground under Brian’s feet no matter what he would say.
Breakfast on Pluto (2005)
With this one I’m not exactly sure what happened with this one. I was just quitting my antidepressants when I saw this movie and I had just got all my emotions and ability to feel back so I don’t know if I fell in love with this movie because of my brain chemicals trying to get their shit together, or if I would have fallen in love with this movie anyway if I saw it some other time. But this one still gives me so strong reactions every time I watch it and especially the starting and ending music causes me so strong wave of happiness that I feel like exploding and I wanna cry from happiness. Oh and I watched that movie 3 times within one week back then. I feel like the antidepressant did have something to do with this.
Amadeus (1984) / Se7en (1995) / Donnie Darko (2001) / A Beautiful Mind (2001) / Joker (2019)
The last one is actually impossible to name now. There’s so many good movies out there and I’m already leaving out some of the best ones. Some are classics and some are just movies from my childhood that I grew up with and attached to. TV was pretty much my biggest friend when I was growing up! So here’s a bunch of movies that I wanted to mention as they also tell a little bit of the movie genres as well. Shortly:
Amadeus - Another one from my childhood and it’s a biography film over Mozart. I don’t know why I grew to attached to this film but I feel like ever since I’ve had this need to rewatch this every once in a while. Because of this movie I get chills every time some of the Mozart music pieces used in the movie play somewhere. I don’t know if I like the music or if they just remind me of this movie. And for some reason, after seeing the movie millions of times, at the age of 9 or so I suddenly was so upset after a character’s death.
Se7en - I was bit older when I saw this (thank gods) and this is a good example of the type of thrillers I like to watch. And this movie’s plot is insane and it has one of the best endings to a movie that I know. I won’t say what kind of feelings it wakes up, but some very strong feelings. And this reminds of the fact now that I forgot to mention The Green Mile, which is also one of the best movies I know. Gosh this post is failing so badly already :D
Donnie Darko; A Beautiful Mind - Both have a plot that is wrapped around a mental illness. I actually like to watch movies about mental illness a lot, “Girl, interrupted” is also one of those movies that I like a lot. These movies are nothing like each other but both basically do a portrayal of schizophrenia. Donnie Darko is of course a bit more scifi and A Beautiful Mind is a biographical movie. I actually saw Donnie Darko for the first time several years ago, I was to school and watched it from Netflix and wanted to rewatch it so badly but it got deleted from Netflix and finally I was able to find it on a blueray and now it’s in my shelf and I love that movie.
Joker - This is definitely the best movie of the 2019 imho. Again, pretty much a movie about mental illness. I was bit afraid first that it would make the treatment of mentally ill people take a turn back(?) and would make healthy people be afraid of us instead of make them open their eyes, but I’m happy it didn’t turn out that way. But I feel like the people who got upset after the movie are actually relating to the groups attacked in the movie as maybe they finally (subconsciously?) realized what COULD happen in the world if things keep going like they’ve been going so far. But as a mentally ill person, I just got so attached to this movie. Plus I’m still a Batman fan whose fave villain ever is Joker and this was another great version and even greater portrayal of the character.
And that’s it, no more text. No idea if anyone found this even slightly interesting but oh well, I don’t care, it was still fun writing all that. And I’m so tired after this now that I don’t really have energy for tagging anyone but I guess I could tag at least someone or some people... let’s see... okay, @hanhan156, I’m gonna tag you! :D I have no idea if you watch movies and how often/many if so, but do this if you want! (And you tagged me so many times today so here’s something back ::D)
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hey ! my name’s link , i go by he/they pronouns , am 21+ & live in the cst timezone ! my only personality trait is being a bts , sment & girl groups enthusiast . i’m an aries sun with a pisces moon , which means i can be aggro , am always loud & obnoxious , but am a secretly sensitive softy , so plz be nice to me !!! this is my child , mikey , who’s stuck in 2006 & never grew out of his emo phase ( take that , mom ! ) . he’s also an aries , because my jjks always end up like that . hopefully , you’ll love him as much as i already do ! under the cut , you’ll find some misc . info & wanted connections . here are links to his dossier page & his pinterest board , which will hopefully give you some deeper insight . i’m excited to be here & write with you all ! like this if you’d like to plot & i’ll fly to your ims , but also feel free to add me on d*scord ( it’s easier for me as well ) : no brain only loving bts#6669 !
— jeon jungkook. he/they. demiboy. | was that michael “mikey” kwon i just saw in the hideaway lobby ? i hear the twenty-two year old spends most of their time working as a record store clerk / studying communications , but i’ve always just seen them dyeing their hair different colors with kool-aid . they live in 3c and i often see them in the halls. they always give me a vibe of getting into arguments online , an entirely black wardrobe and drinking six cups of coffee to make it through the day .
misc . info :
his parents are both very hip artists who met & fell in love while attending art school. they’re both very modern kind of parents, which meant that mikey grew up around a lot of self-expression (& being told to try it for himself), paint everywhere & pot.
growing up, he was allowed to paint his walls & even ceiling however he pleased & it instilled a love of creativity in him. his parents still have paintings he did as a child hanging up on their walls & fridge. even now, he still draws casually, though it was always a hobby for him & not his actual passion.
his parents are extremely caring & understanding. as a teenager, they allowed him to go out & party & always made sure to get him home safely. mikey genuinely can not remember a single time they ever yelled at him even when he fucked up massively. so he tries his best to make sure they’re happy & taken care of. but they’re adamant in supporting whatever mikey wants to do.
they were both the alternative types, which meant that rock music filled their home. mikey was familiar with classic rock from a young age & the sounds of fleetwood mac & other similar bands fills him with a warmth that can only be attained from childhood nostalgia.
his first taste of love came at the age of seven. his parents always brought home new albums to listen to & his dad purchased three cheers for sweet revenge by my chemical romance. while the screaming & raging instruments could have been too much for anyone else his age, mikey embraced it fully.
it ignited an adoration for the genre as a whole & soon enough, his parents were bringing home various emo music albums to sate the always dramatic & over-reacting mikey. for christmas, he received mcr’s discography (at the time, just two albums) on vinyl, which he still has hanged proudly on his wall as an adult.
he owns every variation of every mcr album now. vinyl, cd, cassettes. he even collects the japanese versions because he likes the way they’re designed.
he dropped the name mike / michael because of mikey way & he refuses to answer to anything else.
even though it’s largely part of “cringe culture” now (which mikey refuses to participate in), he loves hot topic & goes there whenever he can. his closet is full of band tees & he has a drawer filled with those spiky belts, bracelets & pants with the suspenders from his teenage years.
he’s been dyeing his hair regularly since he was twelve. he’s had every color under the sun. this is what his hair currently looks like but he dyes the highlights with kool-aid, so the color is always changing.
he has a nostril piercing & would probably get more done if someone so much as implied that he should.
he has a mcr stan twitter account & he gets into fights with everyone he decides has a wrong opinion. he’s been suspended multiple times for being too aggressive online, but he always comes back. he also has a tumblr account but he just uses it to reblog pictures of gerard way (his bias KJHFDKJ).
he works at a record store & goes to school for communications. he hopes to either be a radio dj or podcast host. he wants to get paid to talk about how much he loves music either way. but he loves his current job because he gets to talk about music all day and recommend albums to people. also it’s helpful in perfecting his own vinyl collection.
yes, he cried the day mcr broke up & yes he bought tickets to all their reunion shows. he took the day off when the tickets went on sale & his boss was understanding, knowing how much he loves the band.
he’s extremely impulsive. if you tell him to do anything, he more than likely will. he has a lot of stupid scribbled tattoos on him for this reason, especially on his hands.
while he doesn’t mind appearing masculine & even embraces it, he doesn’t fully align with being a man. he started identifying as nonbinary in his teens, but has never felt 100% a man his whole life. he’s fine with both he or they pronouns for the most part, though he does have his preferences day to day. he introduces himself as nonbinary so it’s not a secret & everyone who interacts with him is aware.
he’s kind of a party animal. he’s that loud person who drinks too much & ends up blacked out on the floor.
he gets in trouble a lot, because he plays music very loudly at both his workplace & his apartment. but he’s of the opinion that if music is too loud for you then you’re just too old.
he’s aggressive & very arrogant. he will fight you about anything & everything. he just likes to argue & he thinks he’s right about everything.
in typical aries fashion, he loves to flirt & be flirted with. he just adores attention & seeks out affection where he can find it. he gets crushes really easily & pursues aggressively (he’s extremely charming & good at making people feel good about themselves), but he gets bored when he actually obtains the person he desires. he’s never really seriously dated, but has had over a billion crushes in his lifetime.
thought dramatic & annoying most of the time, he’s also very loyal & has a good heart. if you’re in his circle of people he likes, then he’ll do anything for you point blank. he always tells his friends that he’d die for him & he means it.
while he tries to appear confident, he has secret insecurities stemming from being the middle child. he has issues with feeling like he’s not good enough or thinks he’s unnoticed by everyone, so he acts up by being dramatic.
he drinks A LOT of coffee, so he’s pretty much always bouncing off the walls.
he’s extremely pansexual & loud about it. if you’ve known him for longer than five minutes then you’ll find out how he wishes he could smash gerard way specifically in the helena mv to smithereens.
he very casually knows how to play guitar. he’s that person who plays wonderwall at every party.
while he’s not a fan of pop music, he knows most girl group dances & can do them well.
wanted connections :
exes (any gender. it will more than likely be something casual, like a few months or less, but we can discuss the timeline! also it can be messy or friendly. extra points if there’s lingering feelings!)
hookups / fwbs (any gender. singular experiences or regular type things)
childhood plots for those who’ve lived in seattle (childhood friends, first kisses / crushes, all that good stuff)
flirtationships that don’t go anywhere
one-sided crushes (don’t mind who has the feelings!)
mutual pining but they’re both idiots & have no idea
party buddies (can be drinking &/or smoking). emo music buddies. netflix buddies. any of these can be combined.
enemies???? (if we can decide on a suitable plot. or enemies with benefits :smirk:)
someone who knows of mikey from his stan twitter but doesn’t realize it’s him & talks shit openly about the asshole who runs the account in front of him.
on the opposite side of the spectrum, someone who he flirts with in the dms & they plan to meet up after realizing they live in the same apartment building.
tinder date (it can go well or not)
frequent customers (customers he flirts with or can’t stand because they just loiter or gets into fights with because they have bad taste in music
someone who takes advantage of mikey being willing to do anything he’s dared to do. make him do all the stupid shit he shouldn’t be doing, whether it’s getting tattoos / piercings or anything dangerous or just idiotic.
you’re sick of this asshole blasting music late at night & go to yell at him for it but oops he’s actually attractive (or you actually can’t stand him, whichever GKDHFGJFKD).
i have a huge tag full of plots i’d love to do on my rp spam blog. not all of them will be fitting for mikey but just ask me & we can try to change some elements or something!
literally anything you can think of i’m probably down for it!
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So I'm not quite slacking yet which honestly is a surprise to me? I hope it stays that way.
Also fun fact some of these things that have inspired my new writing/those blurbs and imagines come from my own life. This one, too, even though it's not as happy but I hope I gave it a good cozy ending.
Hope you enjoy x
***
You called them bad brain days, joking that sometimes the neutrons in your brain seemed to spark the wrong way or that your chemical balance was way out of order. They weren't exactly happy and they usually came at you out of nowhere, turning you into a gloomy, inexplicably sad ball of a human, often sprinkled with a little bitterness and/ or irritability. It wasn't fun and you tried not to see people/ interact with other human beings when one of those days happened, but sometimes it was inevitable.
Your relationship with Luke was quite new, not even three months old yet and so far he hadn't experienced you in such a state. Thankfully.
But today was just an off day it seemed. He needed some new clothes and other things and had asked you to tag along for "general life and fashion advice and to weight out my bad choices" and of course you were up for it. You were always up for spending time with him, what you were actually doing was secondary to you. So you had showed up at his door at 10 in the morning, being fully prepared for a trip into the center of LA, only to be met by a severe case of bedhead and gravelly voice, your boyfriend having rolled out of bed only minutes ago when you rang the bell. But you laughed it off and went inside after him, gladly accepting the coffee he offered and plopping down on the couch while he sorted himself out. About fifteen minutes later you were able to leave the appartement and drive away in Luke's car. It was packed in the city, as usual and especially on a Saturday like today. There were people everywhere, which usually wasn't that much of a problem for you, but today it struck a cord within you. Probably the wrong one. You decided to concentrate on Luke and his warm hand in yours and his presence next to you, and it was calming you down quite a bit. That plus his bad jokes and his generally just very calming voice, making remarks about people or window decorations or dogs. You talked along, making jokes with him, trying to stay present. It helped for now.
Your boyfriend guided you into one of his favourite shops a few minutes later and soon you were discussing colors and fit of various clothing items, picking up stuff and offering it to him. He quickly had his arms full and so was making his way to the changing rooms with you in tow. Next came a little fashion show and Luke ended up buying a few things, so e of which you had picked out. After he was done the two of you were discussing where to go next and Luke commented on two pairs of boots from your favourite store you had been pondering over, unsure if you should get one of them or not and suggested you show him so he could give his opinion and maybe help you decide since you had never been good with making decisions. So off you went. The problem was that he ended up liking both pairs on you for different reasons, which unsurprisingly didn't make it any easier for you to pick one. So you ended up not buying any shoes at all. Instead, you offered to Luke to go for food before heading back to his place, suddenly feeling a bit sullen - and then you just knew it was one of those days, immediately deciding not to let him catch onto your change of moods (which would be hard since you were literally an open book to him) (but you were determined to make it work, he really shouldn't see you be like this, at least in your opinion). It irked you that it were always the little things that threw you off, like not being able to make a decision.
You picked out a small Indian restaurant, a favourite of yours, and were soon digging into delicious food. You stayed silent for most of the meal while Luke told a few anecdotes from the studio, making approving sounds every now and then. Suddenly he went silent though, looking intensely at you. "What's wrong babe?" "Hm?" You looked up at him, feigning innocence, "nothing I'm fine". Luke tilted his head and kept staring at you for a couple more seconds before going back to taking a sip from his ice tea. He didn't push the issue any further when you were done, grabbing your hand the second you left the restaurant and holding you close until you reached the car. He didn't ask you again until right after pulling into his driveway and putting the car in park. He turned towards you, eyes clouded with concern: "Are you going to tell me what's up? Because I can tell something is off and it's confusing me." The slightly sad tone in his voice made your heart hurt, as if he was thinking he had done something wrong when in reality he had nothing done at all, your brain was just being stupid. "I'm -", you started to deny everything again when he cut you off, running his hands through his blonde locks in a frustrated manner. "Please don't say you're okay because you're clearly not." Your voice cracked when you spoke up again and you could feel the tears threatening to spill from the corners of your eyes: "I don't know what's up, Luke, and I'm really sorry for ruining the mood. But sometimes I just have those days, you know? I'm -" and again he cut you off, this time before you could apologize the second time in ten seconds, pulling you into him as good as he could with the console in-between you, kissing the top of your head gently while stroking your back. "It's okay babe. I might not quite get it now but it's alright. And - ", he held your head gently and looked into your eyes, smiling warmly - "I'm sure I can find a way to cheer you up a bit don't you think." You nodded and smiled, sniffling. Luke wiped away the few tears that had made their way down your cheeks, then nodded himself and got out the car to walk around and open the door for you. As soon as you left the vehicle, he slung his arm around your shoulders and squeezed you tight. "Let's have the coziest night in you can think of, yeah?" Your heart still was a little heavy, but it felt like the dark clouds were lifting slowly and in that moment you were so grateful to have Luke be with you.
In the following hours you snuggled up under a huge blanket on bis incredibly squishy couch, watching an entire season of one of your favourite TV shows that he had never seen, but seemed to enjoy after the first episode, demanding to know how the story went on. When the clock was at around 1/1.30am, he turned off the tv and put on a calming playlist, playing with your hair and just talking nonsense. You had still been quite quiet throughout the Netflix marathon, but suddenly felt like talking a bit more, like you should at least attempt to give Luke an explanation of what today had been - maybe it was the atmosphere that was just so calming and comforting to you, maybe it was his presence, the warmth his body radiated and the way you felt so secure in his arms, maybe it was the late hour or even a combination of all three that promoted you to start talking. Regardless, most of it was still not making much sense, but a least you felt better after getting it all off your chest and that Luke might get it a bit more now. There were still some uncertainties, but you were getting there. He had listened carefully, asking well placed questions, just being generally understanding and somewhere during the end of that talk - and you were sure it has been the relaxed state you were in and his voice that trailed on and on - both of you had fallen asleep on the couch, tangled up in each other and the blanket, completely content that while you had still problems to come to terms with your darker parts, Luke was definitely up for being there along the way and that made you incredibly happy and even excited for what the future of this relationship could be.
#my writing#luke blurb#luke hemmings blurb#5sos blurb#domestic!sos#luke imagine#luke hemmings imagine#5sos imagine#ugh this is... well i hope it's good for starters idk#nanowrimo2018
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I am curious about the Fall for CS story.
Hi there, Nonny! Thanks for the ask!
It was/is a grocery store meet cute between single mom Emma and Children’s Book author Killian. I had the beginning going fairly well, but I couldn’t ever figure out where the plot should go from there.
Here’s the (unedited) part I actually wrote in case anyone is interested - with a cut so as not to clog dashboards:
“I’m hanging up now. I need both hands to park.” Not a complete lie, Emma thinks. Her ancient Volkswagen does require both hands, both feet and a little bit of Jesus-take-the-wheel to maneuver through the overcrowded parking lot. The real reason she wants to hang up on Ruby, however, is because she’s so tired of hearing--
“So whatcha buying at the grocery store today? More chocolate? You know it’s been scientifically proven that chocolate produces the same brain chemicals as an orgasm, so why not just--”
“Ruby, no.”
“You can’t argue with science, Emma.”
“I’m not arguing with science, I’m arguing with you. For the millionth time, I do not need to get laid. I’m fine. Not to mention I don’t have time for a guy, between work and Henry and--”
“You’re telling me you don’t have six minutes for scientific purposes?”
“No, I do not have--Wait, six minutes?”
Emma can actually hear the leer in Ruby’s voice. “If you’ve got a partner who knows what they’re doing.”
“I don’t know whether to be horrified or impressed right now.”
“Both. Definitely both.”
“Okay, but the thing is, I’m parked now. Gotta go. Bye.”
“Fine, fine. Go buy a mountain of chocolate. I hope it keeps you warm at night.”
“Hey, the chocolate is for Henry’s school carnival!”
“Sure, girl. Whatever you have to tell yourself. Bye!”
With a frustrated grunt and grinding of gears, Emma shifts her beloved yellow Beetle into park. Not that kind of frustrated. Ruby’s wrong. Very very wrong.
She continues to muse on how wrong Ruby is as she yanks a shopping cart free from the cart barn just inside the sliding glass doors. Emma Swan’s life is full, overflowing even. Especially this year when Henry finally has Mary Margaret for a teacher after years of wishing to be in “Aunt M&M’s” class, because of course, when one of your best friends is your son’s teacher you find yourself volunteering for all sorts of school activities. Almost as if your name appears on the parent sign-up sheet by magic. Kinda like how she’d found herself responsible for buying all the candy for the 5th grade class booth at Storybrooke Elementary’s Halloween Fest.
Emma swerves at the last second to avoid smashing her cart into a card table set up at the end of an aisle, and whose bright idea was it to put that thing there? She mutters an apology to the vaguely man-shaped individual sitting there, but doesn’t give him much more thought. Probably a poor schmuck getting paid minimum wage to annoy people into changing their cable provider or some such bullshit. She takes a hard left and continues on her way. The guy might have said something to her as she passed, but it didn’t register. All she wants to do is grab a gluttonous amount of candy--most of which is definitely for Henry’s school carnival--and go home. To a nice glass of wine. And to not thinking about Ruby’s commentary on her love life.
Emma dutifully loads bag after bag of “fun size” candy bars into her cart. Maybe she grabs a few extra of her favorites, but those aren’t for her. It’s for the kids. She’s a damn saint. Henry should be happy with her at least. Operation Sugar Coma or whatever catchy little name he’s come up with for his class booth ought to be a complete success.
As Emma strolls down to the end of the aisle before making her way back up the next toward the check out, she falls into that a special kind of supermarket trance that only a mom who’s finally getting to do the shopping without her kid along can understand. Eyes glazed over. Colorful packaging and fellow shoppers passing by all strangely out of focus. Actually able to hear her own thoughts. That is, until--
“I’m coming to your house, love.”
The voice snaps Emma back to alertness, her wide-eyed stare finally landing on the guy at the table she is now passing for the second time. Her instincts put her immediately on the defensive, ready to maul this creep who is… who is…
Who is mischievously grinning at her with perfect white teeth and a wry tilt to his full, sensuous lips. And if he were just a pretty mouth, it’d be bad enough, but the rest of his face is pretty damn pretty, too. He dips his chin, looking up at her through unfairly long eyelashes and raises his dark eyebrows encouragingly. Her reply, when she finally remembers to make one, is a profound and very badass-
“Huh?”
He leans back in his cheap, plastic folding chair and gestures lazily to her cart. “You’ve got the good candy. I’d surely enjoy a piece.”
Her pulse jumps. She isn’t even really sure why. He said it completely straight-faced, but there was just… Just a little quirk of his eyebrow or flicker of his tongue behind his teeth or… Nuh-uh. Nope. She’s in no mood for nosy best friends or flirty cable guys. She tightens her grip on her cart handle.
“Nice try, but these goodies aren’t for you.” She puts as much sneer into her voice as she can and stalks off, the sound of his laughter behind her eventually fading into the ambient noise.
She’s halfway to the register when she realizes there are a few more items she should probably pick up while she’s at the store. Bread, milk, toilet paper, Lunchables. You know, actual non-chocolate groceries. Still, she forces herself to walk all the way down to the produce section before turning her cart so the smart-mouthed stranger doesn’t get the idea she’s hiding from him or something.
Because she’s not hiding. Emma Swan does not hide. Avoid maybe, but not hide. Honestly she’s not even thinking about him anymore, not much anyway.
Maybe his stupid smirky face popped into her head while she internally debated whether Henry would notice if she bought generic mustard and funnelled it into the empty French’s bottle. And maybe while she grabbed a week’s worth of lunches from the frozen section, it occurred to her that he must be freezing sitting so close to the ice cream with the top buttons of his shirt undone like that. God, man-cleavage is so cheesy. That’s probably why the cable company put him there. Some flirty, enticing little treat to lure in all the female shoppers. Or hell, maybe the male ones, too. Who was she to judge?
Well, it wouldn’t work on her. Emma had a will of iron and a Netflix subscription, so she didn’t need anything this guy had to offer. And if he tried to chat her up again she’d tell him so. Again. Except that…
She realizes that what she thought were pamphlets on his table are the wrong size. They look more like… books? Kid books, probably, if the brightly colored cover art is anything to go by. The closer she gets to the table, the more apparent it becomes that the guy is a) attempting to sell said books and b) not doing a very good job of it. Most of the shoppers that pass don’t even look at him (like how?) and the few that do just wave him off and go on their way.
He seems really bored and kinda lonely and it tugs at something in Emma’s gut. She remembers feeling alone and invisible. Nowadays she has a son she loves to pieces and a handful (yeah, Ruby is definitely a handful) of well-intentioned if meddlesome friends, but she still remembers. So, she decides to go talk to the guy. Throw him a bone, or whatever. Not that kind of bone.
He doesn’t look up as she approaches, focused instead on the sharpie he’s fiddling with. Admittedly the rolling movement of his fingers as the pen twirls from knuckle to knuckle is distracting as hell, and it takes some effort for her to redirect her attention to the cover of a book.
“Killian Jones?”
He perks up instantly. “Ah, so you’ve heard of me?”
His smile is dazzling and his eyes are a little too blue. It does weird fluttery things to Emma’s stomach. She’s not about to stand for that. She glances pointedly at a stack of books.
“Just reading the cover.”
His smile dims and the hand holding the sharpie reaches up to scratch behind his ear. “Ah. I see. I’d honestly be surprised if you had. We self-published types rarely attain much in the way of name recognition. Otherwise I wouldn’t be hawking my wares in a grocery store.”
Well, shit. Now she feels even more awkward. She came over here to… Well, she’s not really sure why she came over here, but it wasn’t to be a buzzkill. She tries again, picking up the top book in the stack and turning it over in her hands without really looking at it.
“So, you’re the author then?”
He nods. “Indeed. Though, erm, you’re not exactly the target demographic of that particular work.”
It’s then that Emma notices the cutesy drawing of a puppy dressed as a pirate, complete with a little hook on one paw and a trick-or-treat bag clutched in the other. It’s actually pretty adorable and Emma finally lets a tiny hint of smile break through.
“Jolly Roger, huh? So the puppy decides to be a pirate for Halloween?”
“Aye. You see, it’s a bit sad at first because Roger doesn’t want to go to his friends’ Halloween party. They’re all dressing up as superheroes and he doesn’t think he can be a hero because he’s missing one paw. Fortunately he has a big brother puppy to set him straight and teach him that he doesn’t have to be like everyone else. It might even be more fun to be a little different. So they decide on Captain Hook for a costume, Roger goes to the party and wins the costume contest.”
Okay well that’s charming. She’s officially charmed. Dammit. She can hear Ruby’s voice cackling somewhere in the back of her mind. “You know, my son may be a little old for picture books, but I do have a best friend who’s an elementary school teacher. She might be interested in some of your books for the school library. Do you have a business card, or…?”
Now his original smirk is back in full force as he stands and withdraws a card from the pocket of his very, very well-fitted jeans. He leans closer holding the card between two fingers, and Emma eyes can’t to decide where to look. At the card, which is conveniently located right next to the open placket of his shirt, thus putting an enticing view of chest hair in her line of sight. Or into his eyes which seem to be twinkling at her. Or worst of all at his lips which seem to be saying something… Oh right, she should probably be listening right now.
“If you wanted my number love, you needn’t stand on ceremony.”
Emma snatches the card from his hand and rolls her eyes. “Does that routine work on all the moms?”
#captain swan#ask box games#captain swan fan fic#cs ff#WIP game#maybe I'll actually finish this one day#Anonymous
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Writing Anxiety
I try to write my next line. A short story about monster hunting. Nothing serious. Something light and fun and just for me. An exploration of two new characters I’m working on. But the second I type out the word “softy” a thousand voices fill my head. The polite compliments of someone who clearly thinks I’m mediocre. A professor nodding, arms crossed and mouth pursed. My own. My own voice telling me that I know, deep down, that I can't do this.
I’ve wanted to write since I was a child. I’ve filled more notebooks and journals than I can recall. Writing was my escape from stress and sadness and anger. It was my outlet for unbridled joy and energy. Every experience was seen through the lense of potential inspiration. Every new person was a new character. Everything in my life was just a new story unfolding in real time. But something changed.
I committed to a major. “I’m going into creative writing.” I’ve said it thousands of times. To counsellors and teachers and friends and family and strangers who happened to ask. I never hesitated. I never said “I don’t know.” I bypass all the other options for majors when I fill out applications because I’ve always known I could never be happy doing anything other than spinning worlds from my fingertips. But I’ve been struck with something horrible.
My anxiety was once a horrible creature lurking in shadows and quiet moments when my brain was too quiet to fend it off. Then it just became an inconsiderate roommate. A nuisance, but familiar. But in the time since I decided, with no shortage of confidence, that I wanted to attend college, live on campus, and study creative writing, my anxiety has mutated.
Just as diseases evolve to combat medicine, so has my mental illness. When I learned to breathe and talk about it, when I ceased to fear it, it came back stronger. It rooted itself less in the generic fear that people wouldn’t like me or would think I was weird, and took on new voices.
I write and blast music and watch Netflix and YouTube and read and cook and talk and dance and eat and stare mindlessly at streams of information from my phone because the second my world falls quiet, those voices come in. “College is hard and you already struggle to handle stress.” “You have to run to your mom when you’re anxious, what’re you gonna do when you live alone? No stranger wants to deal with that.” “You’re good at writing, sure, but you’ll run out of stories to tell.” “You’re good, but you’re nothing special. You are average.”
They plague me constantly. I don’t even sleep anymore it feels like. I lay in bed and write in my mind because the second I relax it creeps in and curls its talons around my rib cage. It crushes the bone and crushes my lungs. I can’t breathe and my heart rushes to circulate the adrenaline I need to fight the threat. The intangible threat that just hisses and laughs in my head as I clutch my hands to my chest and bite my lip till I bleed because I can’t let anyone know how scared I am of what the future holds.
What if they’re right? What if I really am just average? I can’t compare to the great writers, I’m absolute trash next to them. Yes, I’m better than my classmates but none of them even care about writing. They don't feel the universe in their chest. They wouldn’t use their blood for ink. They don't rip open their soul and sicken themselves just to expel all the worlds crashing and amalgamating in their heads.
I am passionate, but passion is not talent.
My body shakes and convulses and I want to scream but if I tell someone I’m scared I’ll fail, that I might not be good enough, will they tell me I’m right? Or worse, will they tell me I should consider a safer option, just in case? Because while safety is calming, it is depressing. I imagine sitting at a desk writing reports or editing someone else’s work, or waiting tables, or standing at the head of a classroom, and my knees grow weak. I can’t imagine giving up my real dream to play it safe, but if I fail, I don’t think I could handle it.
My brain is plagued by my own doubts, chipping away at my sanity in the bad moments. If I fail, that inky black mass of fear and doubt will take a sledgehammer to my psyche. I will shatter.
So I sit. I sit and stare at that line and I breathe and try to think about anything else because I won't let that monster in my head win. I know what I want. I have worked hard to achieve it and I won't let a stupid chemical imbalance ruin my life. So I open a new document. And I pour myself into my keyboard. I stare the monster in the face and I give it the middle finger. It recedes for now, but I know it will forever linger. The thing is, I’m done letting it push me around.
I will write between gasps for the air it tells me I have none of. I will write with shaking fingers. I will slam my hands across the keyboard well past the point when my tears have blinded me. I will write until the monster relents and I stop dying. And then I’ll write some more.
I wrote this for exactly the reason it says. my anxiety was holding me back so I literally wrote through the anxiety attack. it was exhausting as fuck, but i think something good came of it because I’ve never tried to to face and acknowledge it when I’m losing control and this felt liberating as fuck when i finished. i’ll def try it again if i need to
#writng#my post#text post#creative writing#anxiety#anxiety writing#mental health#mental illness#my writing
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How To Rekindle a Relationship
10 Easy Ways To Rekindle A Relationship With Your Spouse
Even the best relationships have dry spells of disconnection but it is important to take notice during these times and be intentional in your efforts to reconnect. Life gets busy and you get tired but rekindling the spark doesn’t have to require as much effort as you may think. Here are some easy ways to put some life back into your relationship.
1. Make eye contact. Couples who sit in my office often cannot maintain eye contact when speaking to one another. That’s because looking into someone’s eyes is intimate and that’s why it is often uncomfortable for couples who are struggling. You can significantly bump up levels of passion and love by holding your partner with your eyes. You get extra bonus points if you can do this while making love. Try it and you can thank me later.
2. Share your mutual love of something together. When you both gush over your love for your kids it increases your love and appreciation for each other. In fact, some experts say you can fall in love again with someone just by sharing a mutual love of something or someone else. Your kids or grandkids, a new puppy, a trip to someplace you love to explore. Sharing these experiences together will increase your happiness with each other.
3. Cuddle time. Skin to skin contact releases a very powerful bonding chemical, oxytocin. Something as small as holding hands will trigger your brain to pump you both full of chemicals that increase your feelings of attraction and attachment. Don’t just sit in the same room when binging on Netflix. Snuggle up and cuddle.
4. New experiences. It is so easy to get into the same boring routines. You eat the same meals at the same restaurants and your couple time is watching tv in the same room. Shake things up just a bit. One couple I worked with tried a different restaurant every month. Cook something new together. Buy bikes and go on rides. On a larger scale, travel someplace you haven’t been before. New adventures will increase your levels of happiness and satisfaction. Try it!
5. Find a workshop, retreat or conference that is geared towards helping couples feel connected. A marriage getaway experience will help you focus on your relationship and see each other in a different way. Nowadays, you can find several online so you don’t even have to leave your house but finding one with a beach or mountain location will satisfy two ways to rekindle love. See #4.
6. Remember the good old days. Reminiscing is a great way to get the heart softening for each other again. Watch your wedding video together or browse through the wedding album. Look at old photos. Read the cards or letters you sent each other back when your love was new and intense. Pour some red wine, grab some chocolate and settle in for a trip down memory lane. Because I love both wine and chocolate, I recommend DeBrands truffle collection you can find here paired with a smooth red wine.
7. Take a shower together. No sex required but bonus points if it happens. 🙂 Even better, soak in a hot bubble bath together with a glass of chilled white wine and light some candles. Download conversation starters from here (link to our store) and have fun exploring your partner’s mind and body.
8. Take your cup of morning coffee outside on the patio/porch together. Just a change of scenery can turn the ordinary into something….well…..less ordinary. Adventure can be found in your own backyard.
9. Read these books to each other. Out Loud
She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner)
He Comes Next: The Thinking Woman’s Guide to Pleasuring a Man
10. Participate in the Japanese art of Naikan reflection. This is a powerful tool that will help each of you develop a deeper sense of gratitude for the other as you contemplate how much you give and receive daily. Each of you will answer the following 3 questions.
*What have I received?
*What have I given?
*What troubles or difficulties have I caused?
Here is a brief explanation of the exercise as well as a worksheet to help guide you.
Relationships are always changing and they need care and attention. Sometimes it will require you reaching out and taking the initiative to light the spark. I hope you enjoy trying some of these ideas and you find new ways to connect with your partner. consider giving us a call or scheduling a Discovery Call to learn more.
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Riverdale Roundup: 2x14“ The Hills Have Eyes”
Oh hey. It’s me. That bitch you hate. It’s been a hot damn minute but i’m ready for some fresh ass teenage angst. The journey to get a link to watch this god forsaken show has been TREACHEROUS! The lord has been punishing me for not having basic satellite in my dorm room and not having the patience to wait for midnight for this shit to come on Netflix. Like I feel like Jesus is pressuring me to go down to my communal living area and watch TV with the plebs who live on my floor but I would rather shave off my eyebrows than interact with these people. So after YEARS of looking for a good link I've finally made it. I would like to thank not only God but Jesus.
First off we need to address that Chic is just so damn creepy and also a truly awful house guest. Like don’t drink out of the juice carton and don’t use Betty's shower. He’s going to get written up in page six for being an ungrateful house guest. Also him standing on the stairs waving will haunt my dreams for weeks to come.
Cheryl is not that pleased that her mom is still pimping herself out to the men of Riverdale. Penelope is pissed that Cheryl ruined her chance at happiness with Hal, but really who loves Hal? Penelope comes for her 15 year old daughter over having never been in love. Like she’s in 10th grade but whatever.
Hiram offers Veronica and Archie the lake house for the weekend and i’m like ummmmm. What father sends their child out on a romantic getaway? Also Veronica demand's not to have a chaperone and Daddy just agrees? Like I’m 20 and I feel like I need a chaperone still. If my mom isn’t coming with me on a trip I feel unsafe. Like excuse me where are the adults? Who is going to hold my passport?
Oh so it’s a safe house. I get it now. He’s not just looking to facilitate his daughter getting dicked down.
FP and Jughead need a new place to live since the whole of Sunnyside trailer park is getting evicted. Tragically there is minimal affordable housing in Riverdale and FP works at a diner. Yikes.
All of my hopes prayers have come true and Moose has finally graced our screens. I think he got hotter. Like his face thinned out a bit and his hair looks good and he’s got that jean jacket and i’m INTO IT.
So is this whole scene just an ad for Love Simon? We get it. The movies coming out. Are Moose and Kevin secretly hooking up or like? What is Midge supposedly so cool with? Or is it just that she knows that they went down to the river to hook up and casually found a dead body?
I honestly just want Moose and Kevin to be together. Who cares about Midge? Not I.
Veronica is like our lake house is “rustic” and i’m like really bitch? I doubt that. Do you want to see rustic? Would you like to see my canvas tent complete with plywood walls that my father built and a composting toilet? It’s a yurt bitch. Look it up. But like not a mud hut. Don’t get it twisted.
Jughead is only into going to this cabin so that he can get some Intel on the Lodges. Betty like doesn’t love that idea. She needs to get away from her creepy ass brother and i’m like girl he has caused so much trouble just send that bitch back to the youth hostel where he belongs.
So if life was normal Alice would never let her kid go on an over night sex weekend but I guess now that they are covering up a murder she’s a little more lax with the rules. It’s hard to lecture your daughter about responsibility when she witnessed you mopping up the blood of a drug dealer.
Chic is so damn creepy. I’m done with him.
What I want to know is why would the Lodges go to this lake house for the summer? They are so Hampton's people. They should be off rubbing elbows with Ramona Singer and Luann De Lesseps.
Can I just say that Andre is honestly hot. Homebody can like get it.
Archie is shook that Andre has a gun as if he wasn’t walking around locked and loaded only a handful of episodes ago.
Lodge Lodge. Really Veronica? How clever. Florals? For spring? Ground breaking.
Cheryl is pissed that she couldn’t come on the couples weekend so she calls jughead to ruin their getaway because she’s a petty bitch and I adore it. Stir up the shit girl. Stir it up.
Jughead is pissed. This is why Betty should have come clean before. Like you kissed Archie. You didn’t have a secret love child together. It’s not a big deal.
I adore that Cheryl introduces herself with her twitter handle. She’s looking to gain followers. She’s ready to be a social media influencer.
Toni tries to play therapist to Cheryl and she is not having it. Like don’t touch her sans consent.
I know that i’ve said this before but Archie has the world's largest head. We know it’s not holding a big brain so like what’s up there? Extra storage space? Room for activities?
Why do they need to unpack their stuff? They’re staying there for like 2 days. I don’t unpack when i’m staying somewhere for 2 weeks. I just rummage through my suitcase like a drifter looking for cans in the trash bin .
Jughead and Betty promptly make up about the whole Barchie kiss thing and then hear Archie and Veronica getting it on.A friendly reminder that these children are 15. This feels wrong. Jughead has a point. All Veronica and Archie know how to do is fuck. Like what do they actually talk about?
Jughead goes digging for info and Betty does not love it. Veronica assumes that they are still pissy about the kiss so she suggests that they all unwind in the jacuzzi.
So everybody is going hot tubbing. I miss my hottub. If my dad could just like do a girl a solid and fill that ish back up again I would be very grateful. Give me all the chemicals.
Veronica is like “ just so things aren’t awkward I think that Jughead and I should make out just like really quick.” Very sound logic. See this is actually something that 15 year olds would do. Although under normal circumstances they wouldn’t be on a sex getaway in the woods funded by one of the girls fathers.
All of these characters are way to self aware with their ship names. Jughead just used bughead and Vughead all in one sentence.
Veronica and Jughead kiss and it’s awkward for all. All that’s left is for Archie and Jughead to kiss and everything will be Gucci. Honestly at this point who hasn’t Archie kissed?
Betty puts on her awkward ass cam girl outfit and then her and Jughead get it on real quick. Evidently she watched the new fifty shades of grey movie and is feeling very sexually liberated. Someone needs to oil the bed springs in this house. Just saying.
Archies doesn’t want to talk or have sex so really he and veronica are at a loss. Talking was a stretch in the first place.
Archie chops wood the next morning so he can get out some of his sexual frustration about watching his best friend make out with his girlfriend and then he scampers off to meet Andre in the woods
Why does Veronica have an umbrella? It’s not raining.
Joise is pissed that her mom is sniffing around the Sheriff. She’s not down for this whole affair thing. Oh so Josie's dad knows about Sierra and ‘Tom’. Did we know that that was his name prior to this? Did I just miss it because i’m always referring to him as Sheriff Silver fox or Hot Dad?
Oh so is the sheriff really going to leave his wife? You know what they say….They never leave the wife.
Juggie and Archiekins chat about the time that their girlfriends made out and then Archie is like btw really sorry about making out with your girlfriend. Jughead points out just how incestious their group is and predicts that they are probably going to explode at some point. Foreshadowing my dudes.
Also why are they sitting four feet across from each other throwing a football? Is this what boys do?
Josie spills the beans to Kevin about the affair and it’s a very Cheryl move. Throwing out all that drama. Destroying families one step at a time.
Veronica confirms with Betty that she and Jughead have been doing the deed and she literally praises the lord that Betty and Jughead have moved past holding hands and hugging. She didn’t want to be the only non virgin female of the group. Betty also admit that she likes to dress up in the worst wig ever known to man to make their special time together more exciting. Maybe keep that to yourself girl.
So Hiram bought the trailer park for the serpents but really what's good? Jugheads detective senses are tingling.
I love Moose so much. If Midge could just go away that would be ideal. She can go do jingle jangle with someone else and leave Moose to Kevin.
“ I’m just going to this gay rom com alone.” Same Kevin. Same
Midge is like “ we need to find you someone” and Kevin is like “ yeah how about your boyfriend?”
I’m confused. Does Midge know that Kevin and Moose like got it on once upon a time or not? I’m feeling like it’s a no tbh.
Are there really so many desperate men in Riverdale that Penelope can keep a steady stream of business? Does she have to scour Greendale for potential suitors as well?
So glad Josie and Kevin are friends now. It will make being step siblings so much easier.
Riverdale has moved from being sponsored by covergirl to being sponsored by upcoming teen rom coms. This is only slightly more subtle than a focus in shot on the lash blast mascara.
The Lodges are so rich but they can’t even afford the monopoly with the credit cards? Shame.
Hiram bought the riverdale register? What the heck Hal? You fool. I’m also confused because I thought that the Lodges were fresh out of cash. They supposedly “risked it all” building to Sodale thing but yet they can afford to buy Pops and the town paper + a trailer park? These New York investors must of come in hard with the cash.
Oh there is mad tension in this friend group rn. Jughead is like : Archie you’re really stupid” which I mean at this point is a well known fact. Archie calls Jughead and Betty boring and paranoid .Betty calls Veronica sexually manipulative. Veronica kink shames Betty. This is relationship health. Have they finally reached the point in high school where all your friends turn on you and nothing is ever the same?
A bunch of townies break in to defuse the tension between the ‘ core four’. We all know it’s you under that hood Cassidy. I recognize that flannel.
Veronica hits the panic button in her room because of course she has one of those. That’s honestly my dream. Give me a panic button. Give me a panic room. Please.
The townies run off when the alarm goes off but one of them steals Veronicas necklace and for some reason that really sets Archie off. Like is this necklace significant? It’s not even her pearls.
Andre really casually shots this guy. Like same. Hope he got grammas scone recipe first.
Josie and Kevin call a family meeting of their new little clan. Honestly blended family goals. Adam Sandler would be proud.
Cheryl kind of comes out very casually Toni. Toni is Bi, Cheryl is not straight. It’s the beginning of a love story. Tale as old as time. Are we ever going to address Cheryl being creepy with Josie or are we going to just let that slide?
Hiram asks Archie if he’s pissed that Andre shot a teenager and Archie is like “ Nah fam. I regret not shooting the black hood. Shoulda never threw my gun in the river”.
Hiram reminds Archie that all those who hesitate are lost so like don’t pussy out next time.
Jughead is really creeped out by Chic and i’m like same bro. Get that crack addict out of here. The issue being that Chic has really nice bone structure but he’s too gaunt to be truly hot so it really takes away from the appeal of his character. At this point he’s just some freaky kid who hangs around the house and eat cereal while making full eye contactt. It’s a no from me fam. Also he constantly looks constipated. Get some smooth move tea girl.
#riverdale#the cw#the cw riverdale#riverdale roundup#betty cooper#jughead#jughead jones#veronica lodge#archie andrews#kevin keller#moose x kevin#Bughead#vughead#varchie#barchie#cheryl blossom#toni topaz#choni#chic cooper#fp jones#Hiram Lodge#betty x jughead#betty x archie#veronica x archie#vetty#beronica
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I want to believe I am a good person. I try to be there for people when they need me, I try to pay my own way, I try to be a voice of compassion for others when they need someone to encourage them to do the right thing. Despite all my attempts to be a good person I am not without my SINS nor am I above slipping into VICES to help me cope with the real world.
While I might go into detail about my failing as a human being another time (those SINS I talked about), I thought tonight I might share some of my vices with you to allow you to better understand some of the ‘sand’ I try to use to fill in those personal character cracks. I know we all indulge in some way or another, some of us find ourselves watching sports for hours on end as a form of escapism. Some of us rely on books, video games, or music to help us the same way. Some of us eat, drink, smoke, or go to the gym for hours on end. Just to be clear I am not advocating against having a vice(s). Sometimes these things bring that little breath of joy to help us not lose our fucking minds.
So here is a list of my vices so you know what kind of man I am or at least have another lens to view me.
Porn
Is it technically sex addiction or porn addiction? I think while I prefer it was the first in reality it’s the latter. I did this to myself looking at years of erotic both hentai and written fiction, galleries of images and videos, roleplays and now even audio recordings. I enjoy subtext to the images which is so much easier to find now with so much ‘caption’ porn appearing online. Little micro-stories that give you just enough to imagine what happened before and after lewd gif.
While I enjoy some good black and white style images making the images seem classy, the Sapiosexual in me makes it harder on my actual love life. I find myself wanting my partner to indulge in little fantasies through text messages or in the bedroom to make things more exciting. For some guys its being called daddy, some girls they love the mysterious stranger trying to seduce them, and for me it talking while fucking making her share dirty thoughts and fantasies while I fuck her.
It’s like nitro to my engine where an erotic confession or cleverly engaging premise for a ‘roleplay’ makes my hips move quickly sending out thrusts into her making her scream out for more. Some lovers I had were willing to do this and others felt too shy or unprepared to engage in such lewd conversation. So I rely on porn to fill the void which both keeps me faithful but also sabotages my relationship because I want that dirty talk in there.
Video Games
Video games while draining my income from time to time, usually about the Steam Summer Sale. I have actually gotten much better at, if only because I spend more time engaged in politics and online life. On step forward and one step back sort of deal.
There was a time when I spend hours doing “Achievement Hunting” spending hours trying to hit a specific score to earn a digital badge. How fucking stupid was that? While I still kinda care for a gamerscore anything with 10,000 kills or find all the super rare items across the map become little private “Fuck That” moments where I simply do not give a shit.
Fact is while Video Games will ALWAYS be a vice for me, I become more choosy about how I will spend my time. A co-op campaign with my best friend, a solid roleplay like Skyrim or Mass Effect, a group game where everyone at a party takes turns, or maybe a brief puzzle game to keep my witts sharp. I have managed to tweak this vice so it isn’t so consuming of my time and energy.
Internet
A proper love-hate relationship with the internet. I find myself trapped by things like Facebook where my mind seeks messages from friends.It’s a deviant program that I seek to delete in the future but I keep around only because I have dozens of global friends I met while traveling and I prefer not to lose contact with them.
The other elements besides the social media are the youtube videos where I watch science shows and generally try to educate/better myself but then I get caught up watching Cyanide and Happiness for awhile an nothing truly gets done. Hell even I write this on Tumblr I am indulging in this vice which is a kind of a self-centered journaling. I justify/rationalize it because through writing I can reflect on my feelings and make my beliefs known while also engaging in false thoughts or prejudices that sometimes wiggle their way into our minds.
Perhaps one day I will share this Tumblr with my friends so they can look further into who I am and see if this brings them closer or sends them off running away.
Caffeine/Sugar
If there is something that will kill me its this shit. The one TRUE addiction that makes me crave its effects. I sometimes find my reptilian brain seeking these fixes out while I try to overcome this physical addiction. I remember climbing into a car to drive to the store for some Yellow Redbulls only to realize I started the engine what I was doing.
If anything brings me closer to understanding how chemical addition works, these things give me a peek into the life of someone who has fallen to a chemical. It’s there scratching away wanting you to indulge. It gives you an extra kick of “Fuck Yeah” when you don’t indulge and finally give into the craving. I hope to one day kick this shit and live cleaner but fuck me if it isn’t hard and those drinks don’t wake me the fuck up. I think the only way to escape these bastards is to switch out one vice for another… maybe I should take up coffee or tea like grown up.
Politics
Perhaps not a Vice but a purpose but I kinda rely on Politics to channel my energy. It’s cathartic to fight with people online, it feels good to fight against an oppressive party (looking at you Far Right Neo-Nazi Republicans), and most of the nighttime shows I watch are comedy shows with a focus on Politics. I am sure conservatives hate these shows because they make up about 80% of the jokes make against a certain party but when you party has lost their fucking mind what do you expect these comedians to after?
Closing
I also binge watch TV shows on Netflix, make Listographies on my Google Drive, and build Spotify playlists. Lots of small things that nibble at my finite amount of life for pointless things. It’s not about removing these things completely. We all find something to make us better, some of us just find better vices like Yoga, Meditation, or Martial Arts to become that crutch. It’s all about making these things work for us and not having us work for them.
I prefer my porn addiction be something that I share with a lover so it becomes our little lewd gallery. I think video games will need to be scaled back until its only a few key titles i enjoy for a time before shelving, perhaps share it with my son or daughter (if I ever have one). Internet… we will see how I handle this bitch, sometimes its not worth all the trouble but damn it doesn’t help me while I am traveling. Sugar and Caffeine need to be changed to something that won’t fucking kill me. And politics? If I can turn my political writing into something more positive (which I don’t always do on here because I really dislike the Trumpublicans these days) maybe I can be a voice that provides some order to things.
Regards
Michael California
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Blog #5: Environment in the Present Moment
This week’s shout outs go to Carrie, Candice, Halsey, and Nick for helping keep me grounded during a particularly stressful week, and to the troll who keeps hitting me up on IG. I’ve got trolls folks: I must be doing SOMETHING right!
Ever hear the song “Graveyard” by Halsey?
If you haven’t go stop what you’re doing and go take a listen. Seriously, my own personal biases aside for that particular song, go give it a listen. Aside from it being quite good, it actually does a pretty decent job of capturing what happens to you when you find yourself in a toxic environment. How as you fall in love with someone who is in a bad place, before long you too find yourself in a bad place.
Sure, we so rarely actively seek out these environments. At least, that’s what we tell ourselves. Of COURSE, we’re going to avoid the people that are floundering. Of COURSE, we’re too good for that. Except, of course, we’re not. Except of course we start to rationalize. My situation is DIFFERENT. This person in my life isn’t LIKE all the others. I’m in a good enough place that I can take this.
Spoiler alert: unless you’re actually trained to deal with those sorts of environments, you’re not. So you keep digging yourself down deeper.
Over the past few weeks, I’ve written in a kind-of-a-sort-of-a step by step way about the basic tools and mentality needed to begin to face the world with clarity. To approach the truth in our lives with humility and acceptance to begin to break some of the more negative cycles and habits and instead begin to find fulfillment and happiness. By accepting that truth and reality are the goals over "happiness at all cost." By accepting that you can pin the blame on other people for your troubles all you want, but in the end, toxicity stems from you too. By beginning to take accountability for our leading roll in our own lives and that we control where we wind up. By grounding ourselves in the present moment, not clinging to dream of a better past or being driven to try and control the inevitable pain and turmoil of the future.
So now that you find yourself in this present moment, ask yourself: what do you see?
You don’t have to share with the class. But put aside your ego for a moment and take a real, genuine look. Don’t think about how you got where you are. Don’t worry about what comes next. For this moment, just look at where you are right now.
Look at the relationships in your life. With your friends. With your chosen partners. With your family. Which relationships bring you fulfillment? Which challenge you? Which do you derive pleasure from? Do you respect those, or do you find yourself constantly ignoring or even pushing them away because they ask you to rise up?
And what of the negative ones in your life? Do you truly understand the effect they have on you? Is there someone who controls your life under the guise of “deep love?” Which relationships drain you? Which take advantage of you? Which just feel like a roller coaster?
What about your actual current daily living environment? Does your job fulfill you or do you constantly feel like you’re just going through the motions? Do you feel purpose in anything you do? Are there things in your life that excite you? That scratch that itch? How does your body feel daily? What are you putting into it? How do you treat your own mind? Do you respect it or shun it? Ignore potential chemical imbalances out of a sense of pride or shame or denial?
When we begin to tether ourselves to the present is when we begin to truly be able to acknowledge just WHAT our present moment is like and that matters. Science backs up the fact that when you find yourself in a toxic or negative environment, your brain actually begins to change. It becomes more negative to reflect and adapt to the environment around you. Whether you realize it or not, you begin to follow that person, that job, that thing that just takes over your life and fucking DRAINS you all the way to the graveyard.
That toxic girlfriend or boyfriend you have? Your brain is going to start to mirror that environment and then you too will turn just as toxic towards your friends and loved ones. Enjoy those 1 AM screaming matches you never used to have but now are just a weekly part of life.
That job that just fucking kills your soul? Yeah, it literally does that: it biologically begins to alter your mind to reflect the surrounding environment. Hope you didn’t want to find any joy in things outside of work, enjoy that mindless Netflix binging every night.
Your own mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional health is fundamental. To be the best you for both yourself and for the people around you that matter, you need to be in a place where that’s possible for yourself: there’s a reason airlines tell you to place the mask on your own face and breathe before assisting others. The first step is truly entering the present and acknowledging it for what it is. The things that work? Cultivate those things. Show gratitude towards those relationships, use them to help you find those passions, and find passion in them. Move TOWARDS those relationships that push you and challenge you and help you stay grounded in reality instead of feeding your ego with your own bullshit. Make time for the things that bring you joy and passion and the things that are entirely your own. Set boundaries around the people who drain you or unintentionally take advantage of your time and kindness, and stop feeding relationships that hurt, manipulate, abuse, and/or control you and call it love.
By facing, acknowledging, and ultimately working to better our present we serve both ourselves and those we love. We set the stage for a better future. And we begin to heal, grow, and break the cycles we have been bound by for so long. We stop going all the way to the graveyard.
Next week we’ll be talking about the bane of my existence and the trap of so many of our lives: ego.
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Damage
Summary: Bucky and the team don’t realize the damage they caused until you snap. Will they be able to fix it?
Warnings: Depression, yelling, angst. but FLUFFY AT THE END.
Note: This is my first ever fanfiction writing so please bear with me. :)
You know that feeling you get when you had your first heartbreak? Or what it feels like to never feel good enough? Or maybe you might feel a part of your soul has died?
That is how you feel, and have felt for years. You just were good at hiding it. Until he came along. Bucky Barnes. You feel in love with him in the beginning because he made you feel worth it. But every fairytale doesn’t have a happy ending. Go figure it would happen to you.
“Hey Y/N!” Bucky made you jump 5 feet in the air. That’s when you noticed your surroundings, you were on the couch in the main living room with all your co-workers. Your eyes didn’t sparkle anymore, your hair is up and greasy, your skin is paler, and you just look dead. You wore comfortable clothes. Your favorite sweater, some leggings and some knee socks.
“yes?” you whispered to Bucky but not looking anywhere but at the full cup of tea in your hands, that has gone cold by now. “What’s wrong with you?” Bucky asked with a irritated voice. God knew that you were to weak emotionally to send him an angry glare and tell him off. Instead you just gave up and stood up slowly, walked to the exit and turned around with a blank face and no emotions in your eyes as you said..
“I want to die. I want to punch you and tell you how every “nickname” you give me bring me down, I want to never leave my room but most importantly I wish you all would stop treating me like i can take every insult you throw at me. I’M NOT GLASS BUT I SURE AS HELL AM NOT A BRICK WALL EITHER. I’M HUMAN WHICH MEANS I HAVE LIMITS! OH AND ANOTHER THING STOP BEING SO DAMN VAIN! ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS YOUR FEELINGS NOT ANYONE ELSE!” by the end of your confession you had tears down your face and the whole team looked at their feet, knowing you were right. They could get a little rough with their “teasing” as they called it. It was all true, they would call you names that made you insecure.\
One time Sam and Steve “jokingly” wouldn’t let you come to club with them because they didn’t like the way you looked. You cried the entire weekend. Natasha and Wanda would always tease you about losing weight every time you went shopping with them. Tony called you stupid. Bruce always snapped at you. Even when you didn’t talk.Vision means well but when he made the comment of it not making sense for you to be here because you aren’t a great assassin or you don’t have powers, you then tumbling into your depression.
They didn’t cause you to have depression, you’ve been diagnosed with clinical depression since you were 15 so it’s not new but that doesn’t make it right.
But Bucky was the worst because you loved him. He made you insecure in the worst ways. You are an extrovert, silly, and you loved yourself at one point. But he just didn’t stop, so you shut yourself down.
Bucky stood there in shock but then it turned angry.Oh hell no.
“If you can’t take a damn joke then you shouldn’t be an Avenger Y/N. If you are depressed then get help, not put your problems on us. Don’t blame us for the chemical imbalance in your brain. I don’t know why Fury even brought you here. You are worthless.” Bucky stated calmly, though it was angry and irritated.
You stood there, then it happened.
You snapped
You laughed in his face. Full on laughed. Everyone was shocked by Bucky’s response but when they saw yours they got really worried. You had tears coming down your face from how hard you were laughing, you finally stopped and walked up to him at arms length. And with a cold stare and a snarl on your lips, you slapped him across the face.
“You ASSHOLE. You want to talk about ME not being an Avenger. You’re THE DAMN WINTER SOLDIER YOU FUCKED UP PRICK. YOU DO NOT AND WILL NOT BLAME THIS ON ME. YOU CAME HERE BROKEN AND WE HELPED YOU AND YOU THINK I SHOULD’NT BE AN AVENGER. OH PLEASE! I CAN’T GET HELP YOU DICK. IT’S CALLED CLINICAL DEPRESSION FOR A REASON. IT WILL NEVER GO AWAY! You don’t know anything about me or my problems because you were so absorbed with yourself and you didn’t think when you called me those horrible nicknames. Loser. Freak. Weirdo… you whispered the last nickname because that hurt worse. By now you were drained and everyone noticed how pale you were and how fragile you looked.
It’s their fault
You backed away from Bucky, who looked more shocked and confused, and you ran to your room.
..
…
….
…..
“We fucked up.” Steve finally spoke. If it was a normal day, everyone would have laughed at him and told him to watch his language. But today was nothing but gloom and guilt for the team. Even Bucky. No,especially Bucky.
“What do we do?” Tony whispered, afraid of his own voice. Everyone pondered for hours until Wanda spoke up.��
“We heal her. We watch what we say. Y/N isn’t one who puts faith into words but rather actions so we clean up the mess we made and start acting like her friends like we should’ve done.” Everyone agreed to Wanda’s response and one by one headed to their rooms except Natasha and Bucky.
“You love her.” Nat stated. They both sat their with their hands in their lap and looking at their shoes as if they found them fascinated. She looked in front of her watching Bucky slowly and painfully nod.
She stood up and told him something simple.
“Then show it. Because I’ll be damned if i treat her anything less like a sister again.” She walked towards her room ready to beat herself up all night.
You spent the last couple days locked up in your room with some Disney movies and a bottle of Vodka helping you get the strength to face everyone again. Especially Bucky.
You got dressed and made sure to wear over-sized clothes, you didn’t feel right wearing something skin tight or anything near that. You hated your body again. With a sigh and a shot of Vodka you walked out of your room with your head down and playing with the strings on your sleeves. You reached the movie room and sat down in the middle of the couch and asked F.R.I.D.A.Y to play the saddest movie on Netflix. You buried yourself in the blankets you left there last week. When the movie was just about to start, the team all piled in the room. You began to get up and take your leave thinking they wanted a movie night. You were about to take a step toward the door when Bucky pushed you right back down on your previous spot and sat on your right and put your feet on his lap while he gently pushed your shoulder so you where laying down. Everyone sat on the other couches or floor. You were still scared to talk and still confused. When you opened your mouth to object Bucky shushed you signalling that the movie was about to start. You nodded and began watching the movie.
Cyberbully, how ironic.
The whole team was in tears as the movie ended and you were on the verge of crying but didn’t want to cry again in front of Bucky. Bucky however was crying silently and gripping your ankles like his live depended on it. The lights came back on and Tony asked you why would you be watching this. You shrugged and went to get up but Bucky didn’t let you.
“We fucked up.” Steve said for the second time that month. You chuckled dryly as you allowed a couple of stray tears to fall. You nodded and realized what they are doing about it and your heart pulled a little. They are fixing their mistakes.
Wanda nodded at you, hearing your thoughts as they were so strong with pain and hurt. She started to read your mind the week of your outburst and she cried every time because of the raw emotions that you gave away. She envies you. You’re everything she wants to be.
“Fix it and then we’ll talk.” You replied softly and ripped your legs away from Bucky’s grip and walked to your room feeling drained already. After that night they did just that,they fixed it. By the end of a year you were almost your old self again. You were closer with Wanda, Natasha, and Bucky. Wanda and Natasha had told you they brought you down because their mind is overflowing with self-doubt and before they realized it they took it out on you. It took some time but you forgave them and the team. Bucky made sure everyday that you knew how much he thought you were beautiful, smart, and kind. You were happy. Everything was okay again especially since Bucky asked you to be his “doll” as he called it. That day he kissed you and told you he will never bring you down again. You agreed knowing it won’t happen again. You kissed him with all the love you have for this metal man. As you released his lips, much to his dismay, you sighed and softly breathed out, “ I’m happy again.” With that he smiled so beautifully that you swore you loved him more.
And you continued to love him…
And Bucky’s and your kids…
And your team…
Until the end of the line.
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march 16, 2017
today marks the day my cousin, nessie russell, would have been 21.
in another world i’m sure i’d tease her about how i’d just be counting down the days until september 1st so that i would be 2 years older than her again and make a corny ass joke about how we could now drink in a bar together.
i have been dreaming of this day since i turned 21 – 1.5 years ago. not because i like drinking, but because finally nessie and i were going to be “official adults” in the eyes of american society. i didn’t see her much the last couple years of her life so this is the thought i would fall asleep with at night. always some “next” destination to get to. the present was never good enough for either of us it seemed.
but i didn’t wait until i was 21 to start getting fucked up on legal drugs. i found them in a medicine cabinet in my grandfather’s house in upstate new york when i was 16. i didn’t know much about oxycontin other than it was a pill that got you high, and thank god for that because the cannabis i was smoking at boarding school kept getting me pulled out of class and put on work project. it stank too much, but this pill – i could crush it up and put it in water and sip it all day long. no need to go to the liquor store. and i had a lot of them. but then i had none of them. and then i needed them.
and then i needed them for 4 more years. arrests, running away, being put in mental hospitals, self harm…. i have traveled through at least 20 states all the way up to canada and down to mexico. i could have bought a house, a boat, and a comfortable life with the money i blew on roxicodone and dialudid.
i wasn’t finished; i kept running in circles for 2 more years. crushing up pills didn’t do the trick anymore, i needed a spoon and an endless slideshow of public bathrooms.
i honestly didn’t want to stop. at this point every shot of white china was mixed with the prayer of “i hope this is too much”, a spike of guilt, and a chuckle of remorse. and fuck pills, they were too expensive by now.
i was not alone. when i was 17 my high school in connecticut was spilling over with every single type of pill. every person i talked to had a similar story to mine. we were scribbling furiously away, afraid that if we didn’t live fast enough we wouldn’t be worth remembering. we all graduated from pills to heroin. some forgot what happened in high school but i remember.
i’ve always remembered everything. that’s why i wanted to escape – i saw how drugs were infecting my generation and it scared me shitless. nessie saw it too. she also saw something else i didn’t see until she passed.
nessie loved herself. she saw a light within herself and held onto it as tightly as she could, even through her addiction. i always admired that in her and i wanted it as well. she was so beautiful, the way she’d move through a room with no idea that everyone was staring at her. she was always glowing.
but i guess people, places, and things stole that away from her. by the end of her addiction she wrote to me, “i never thought it could get this bad for me… i thought i was different.” she died several weeks later.
she had so much beauty in her life, but opiates are a dark drug. they put one in the womb of bliss – warm and floating free, feeling the dopamine and serotonin reverberating through your brain. then when they leave they put you on a metal dissection tray, pin you down, and rip you open from head to toe. one has no choice of what comes spilling out.
this is an hourly struggle for heroin addicts. sometimes less than that. sometimes i couldn’t refill the syringe fast enough. it depended on the way my brain felt that day. why would we do this to ourselves, you ask? who wouldn’t be addicted to euphoria? how many of you curl up in a warm fuzzy blanket and watch netflix for 10 straight hours with the blinds closed and a plate of microwaveable food next to you? a glass of wine? a xanax?
now… how many of you turn another cheek at someone who gets their kick from shooting up heroin? is it not the same? aren’t we all trying to escape somehow?
in 2006 Purdue released time-release oxycontin. one could easily take the time release coating off, which became extremely trendy for opiate addicts to do. by 2012 people i knew and loved were starting to die.
Brendan Shay – he made me laugh for 20 straight minutes once when he drove me from my house to a party with a car full of friends.
Christopher Wells – a talented musician who i did theater with… he would play the piano or guitar and sing during play practice. i would sit on the bench or lay down and listen for hours.
George Hammond – one of the brightest smiles in my memory. every time i looked at him he made me smile, no matter my mood. ask anyone they would tell you the same.
Brad Allen – he used to play the guitar and keyboard for whoever would listen. always cracking a smile; we called him ‘happy brad’ for a reason.
Caitlin Pieretti – she loved so deeply and fully and never missed a chance to make your day better. even if you were bugging out she had a joke to crack to even out the vibe.
Brent Rodney – one of the most giving men i’ve ever met. if he didn’t have a dime he’d give you his time. i loved him so much from the day i met him to the day he died.
Shawn Cagle – he didn’t care how young me and my friends were, he and Brent were always so kind.
Jackson Conroy – i was in the same church as him growing up; vacation bible school, youth group, ski trips. his family makes beautiful music to this day.
Bruno, Vinny, Dre, Harold …
these friends i have listed are few of the many. their ages ranged from 19-26. i got worn out trying to think of all of them. i can only write so many obituaries in one essay. what all these people have in common is that pharmaceuticals didn’t work for them. when an addict goes into a detox, they are put on maintenance meds such as suboxone or methadone so that they don’t get sick from the lack opiates in their system; then they’re loaded up with xanax so they don’t shake; anti-depressant so their brains never feel normal again; sleep meds so they can stop thinking at night when the ideas are most important.
usually getting to a detox facility is another journey within itself. many heroin addicts in america are in the north east, so they have a white powder heroin often cut with pharmaceutical grade fentanyl. fentanyl is more potent that street heroin by 1:50 grains but looks the same. that means 1 grain of fentanyl is as powerful as 50 grains of heroin. this makes getting the dosage right very dangerous, and many addicts aren’t aware of this. many are aware of this and mess with it anyway. the point is, heroin overdoses are common. a drug called narcan is used to bring addicts back to life.
Purdue produces suboxone and narcan. Janssen Pharmaceutica produces fentanyl, a toe to the leg of Johnson and Johnson who’s hip is…. guess who? Purdue.
let’s imagine none of this matters and this was a simple health epidemic. let’s imagine this was all political and no emotion was set in, let’s imagine that thousands on thousands of young lives were not stolen and thrown away. let’s imagine that a whole generation isn’t being looked at like scum of the earth for picking up some medicine that we thought was safe to take.
did you know in america opiates and amphetamines are considered okay to prescribe to an 11 year old? i was prescribed benzos when i was 15. did you know that the human brain develops way up into your 20s? did you know that the human brain is very sensitive to foreign chemicals? i’m sure you did… now why the fuck didn’t the doctors?
when trump released his health care reform, trumpcare 2017, he gave those struggling with mental health a special shout out. 1.3 million young americans will lose coverage under trumpcare. trump wants to take out a requirement in the ACA that gives coverage to those struggling with mental health issues. you don’t even have to like opioids… if you are depressed you have a “pre-existing condition”.
so even if you hate politics, now is the time to care about them. because if we, the future generations of america, do not stand up and fight now – who will be here to do it later?
#politics#life#healthcare#trump2017#obamacare#afforable health care act#aca#ahca#medicaid#young people#opioids#epidemic#mental health awareness#mental health#america#joe kennedy#donald trump#republicans#democrats#depression#suicide#big pharma#purdue#i'm sorry if i upset anyone#i just really miss her#i want to help#blackballoon#overdose awareness#overdose#march 6th 2017
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