To Just Be
Pairing: Eliot Spencer/Reader (non gender specified)
Warnings: slight swearing, mental health topics, fluff
Summary: Your mental state takes a turn and you find yourself slipping back into bad habits. Eliot helps to comfort you and the both of you spend a cozy night together.
The music seems too loud in the small space of your bedroom but the thought of silence perturbes you more. The mattress is too soft but not hard enough at the same time. The feeling of your clothes on your skin is driving you insane. You are too cold and too hot at the same time, the only movement in the room being your fan and your feet adjusting the sheets every few minutes.
You’re overstimulated, to say the least.
The phone in your hands is warm from using it for the past few hours. You can’t seem to stop your hands from doom scrolling.
Down, down, down.
What was the trick that the podcaster said? Ask yourself what the last three videos were about to see if you are doom scrolling?
Shit.
Different ideas pass through your mind, in a blur. Ideas about better things you could be doing to comfort yourself in this state instead of worsening it. There’s that new book you’ve been meaning to read, your favorite childhood movie, the stack of coloring books you bought a few months ago…
That’s all they are, fleeting thoughts and ideas. Pulling yourself away from the phone screen and leaving your bedroom is a daunting task. You want to sleep and be transported into a mental state of nothing, but you aren’t physically tired enough yet.
A soft knock on your bedroom door makes you jump. It cracks open, revealing a curious Eliot.
“Hey, sweetheart. I thought you weren’t home yet.”
“Oh, hi.”
“Were you asleep?”
You glance guiltily at your phone, “No,” you answer meekly.
“You didn’t hear me calling you?”
“I guess not.”
He holds his stare for a bit longer than you are comfortable with.
“Bad day today?”
“I’m just tired.” you lie.
Eliot’s feet hesitate in the doorway and you know he doesn’t believe you. He knows you probably just don’t want to talk about it right now.
“I’m going to get started on dinner, okay?”
“I’m not hungry.”
Your response comes out quicker than you intended.
Eliot frowns and eventually asks, “Are you sure?”
“Yeah.”
You feel your stomach clench in protest at your response. You just don’t have the energy to deal with eating.
“Okay, alright. I’ll be in the kitchen.”
He slowly closes the door and you sigh.
Part of you feels bad for lying to him, but you’re so drained from the week it intimidates you thinking about having to explain yourself when you don’t even know what’s going on in your own mind. You want to comfort yourself in some way and have some sort of routine but you can’t decide what to do and it’s driving you crazy. You feel lost, both in the short and long term.
You have been thinking of where your professional life is going, the endless chores and errands, and the state of the world that you’re constantly being bombarded with on social media. You feel hopeless and nothing in your everyday life is helping you get out of it.
There’s been no specific trigger to your emotions, and you suspect that is the biggest stressor for you. It all started during your commute to work in the morning. You couldn’t choose music to play for the life of you and ended up resigning yourself to a quiet drive in order to not be running late.
During your lunch break you decided to visit one of your favorite cafes nearby. When you walked in and started to run through the different options on the menu, your mind went blank. Nothing seemed remotely appetizing, not even your usual favorite. When the barista called you over to order next, you panicked and ended up choosing the first option you saw. It was only afterwards that you realized what you had ordered and ended up doing a walk of shame back to your workplace. You drank the drink hastily to not have it go to waste, but it was a chore nevertheless.
During your commute back home, in silence once again, you encountered many terrible drivers and the closer you got to home, the more your mood soured.
Upon entering your living space, the reminders of future chores and errands that needed to be done were enough of a nuisance to send you surrendering into your bedroom.
Now a few hours later, here you still are. Your mind barely registers the now dark room and now you understand why Eliot seemed so concerned.
You distinctly register the sound of pots and pans and remember Eliot’s cooking. Almost on cue, your phone appears with a video of a delicious looking recipe and your stomach grumbles.
Using every ounce of energy you have left, you put your phone down. Your eyes stare up at the ceiling. Your mind is racing but hardly any of the thoughts are concrete or discernable. You just want a distraction, some way to lose control.
You sigh and sit up in your bed. Your back and neck protest from your previous position and you groan slightly. You don’t want to talk much tonight, but you figure you can try your best.
You make a quick trip to the bathroom before slowly continuing to the kitchen. Eliot is playing some old country music softly, the soft ambience and cooking sounds soothing you almost instantly. The overhead light isn’t on, just the stovetop, and you are extremely grateful. The smells pull you in further and your feet are moving before you can stop them.
Eliot turns at the sound of your approach.
“Hey, darlin’.” he greets softly.
“Hi.”
“I know you said you weren’t hungry, but I’m making your favorite. Didn’t want the food to go bad.”
Eliot sounds very unsure of himself at the moment, and it throws you off a bit.
“Thank you.”
He follows your lead of the conversation and doesn’t push you further. His attention returns to the pan and you watch attently as his hands add more ingredients.
“Go on and have a seat. It’s almost ready.”
You wish you could thank him more verbally, but you hope he knows your appreciation runs deep.
You stroll over and sit at the dining table, watching his back and the way he moves in the space. After a while, he plates and strolls over to you.
“Here you go, baby. I hope you like it.”
You nod and gingerly start to handle your utensils. He eventually sits and you both enjoy the peaceful environment. Once you’ve both finished, he picks up your plates and cleans off the dining table. He surprises you by turning the stovetop light off and heading to the living space. At your confusion, he holds both of your coats up.
“I think we should go get dessert.”
You smile and nod. You stand from your chair and meet him in the space. He gently turns your body and clothes your body with the coat. You can tell by his body language he wants to touch you, but is unsure. Your hands reach out and wrap around his middle, making him reciprocate. His chin settles on the top of your head and he sighs heavily in contentment.
You both pull away after a few moments and head out the door shortly thereafter. You find yourselves sitting on a park bench enjoying your favorite desserts. The park is calm, and the surrounding area holds little to no people. The fresh nighttime air has allowed your mind to come back to the present and you feel refreshed, even if it is just a little bit.
You return to your home afterwards and now you are able to look at your space in a different perspective. Eliot takes both of your coats off and hangs them up. He leads you to the couch and has you settle yourself before retreating into the hall. You are confused until you see him return with a basket of your self care items that you keep organized.
He sits next to you and hands you your favorite face mask and headband. You put your headband on and are about to stand when Eliot takes the mask from you.
“Here, turn around.”
You do, and your heart flutters as he places the face mask on you. He adjusts it a few times before leaning away and nodding. To your surprise, he moves in closer and hands another one to you with another headband. It takes you a few seconds to realize he’s asking you to do the same. Your chest warms, and you will your hands to move. You take your time, relishing in touching his face and gazing softly into his eyes. Once you finish, you lean back and giggle softly. He smiles, holding your hands.
“Now we match,” he says.
“Yes we do.” you whisper.
Eliot isn’t the biggest fan of watching tv, but he scrolls through different options until settling on an old animated children’s movie. You both move into each other’s spaces and find comfortable positions. Slowly, you feel yourself drifting into a peaceful state. His hands on your body and his warmth are steadily inducing you into a sleepy mood.
He catches your body’s signals and pats your side softly.
“Come on, let’s go to bed.” he whispers.
You wish to prolong your night, but you find yourself agreeing nonetheless.
He stands and accompanies you to the bathroom. Together, you prepare for bed and fall into your usual separate routines. You are in bed first, too tired to follow your more thorough nighttime routine. Eliot joins you soon after, his arms caressing you.
You decide to speak your thoughts before falling asleep. You hope your true feelings and emotions shine through your exhaustion.
“Thank you for everything. Thank you for taking the decisions away and just letting me…I don’t know, just be. I don’t know what’s wrong, but this helped. To just be.”
You stay in silence for a few beats, not expecting a response. You are glad you were able to express your thoughts, even if you don’t exactly know how to explain them.
“I’ll always be here for you. Just tell me, I’m always happy to just be with you. You don’t need to think or talk, you can just be with me. That’s all I need, just you. Nothing else.”
You squeeze him a little tighter at his words, and they allow for your body to finally slip into sleep fully, able to just be.
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