So are any of you bumfucks on this godforsaken app gonna talk about how Brazil (Declan McKenna) was written By and For Ronan Lynch or am I gonna have to do it myself let’s do this bitches

Fair warning I’m sorta really bad at analysis according to every English teacher I’ve ever had so this is a lot of me freaking out but I think it turned out ok (this took half a year)

Starting off strong with Cars and Animals (Ronan’s favourite) !! Anyway the vibe I’m getting from this is like. The barns and then the He’s got eyes talks like an angel looks like me part is about the like. Greywaren vs Ronan Lynch dream vs human stuff we see in Greywaren (not super spoilery but it kinda doesn’t make sense unless u read the book lmao)

I could write a whole second post as long as this one just about this line but let me unpack this because ohhh my god. First up the use of religion is so perfect for mister Lynch over here and then. IM THE FACE OF GOD IM MY FATHERS SON IS INSANE FOR HIM IM GOING SO FERAL OVER THIS HE LITERALLY IS GOD AND HES HIS FATHERS SON (“and Ronan was everything that was left: molten eyes and a smile made for war” and also The Scene in TRK where Adam goes into Ronan’s room and thinks Niall is sitting on the bed) THIS IS CANON

He’s Not what u think u see he looks so mean but he just wants his little farm and for his husband to get into heaven when he dies (he’s worried about his agnostic tendencies) jk but this is 100% ab stereotypes and how Ronan doesn’t rly fit into what anyone thinks he is (the whole thing about Adam wanting to be unknowable and realizing Ronan Is Unknowable [poetry chefs kiss])

Can’t eat leather is so self explanatory. The bracelets are RIGHT THERE you can’t fool me Mr mckenna

I’m done. I’m done. I don’t even need to keep explaining this it’s RIGHT THERE AGH

And onto the ecoterrorism

I’m kidding (not really) bc this part always makes me think of literally the Entire Plot of TDT when Ronan is going around destroying capitalism to save dreamers. This IS the servers scene and the underwater pipeline and the Mirrors lady and also the way all of TDT is about self discovery and learning who you are and how to deal with that in a society made to destroy you and how isolating and sad that is (it gets him down 😞) and I can KEEP GOING

And just the way the song is so melancholy and also happy at once hits me so hard cause it feels like what the Barns does when you read the book like it SOUNDS like something Aurora would sing to kid Ronan it’s so homey and sweet but also sad and perfect

And obviously I don’t go through the whole song here but I feel that I’ve made my case sufficiently enough thanks for reading this far I love u mwah

being true to my url, i HAVE to talk about the grace family rn and how all three of them were doomed from the start. (ao3 user loverboxd i am kissing u on the mouth btw)

first beryl. even if we only go off what we know of her in canon, which is very little, we know that a) she was an actress desperate for fame and controversy and b) she managed to win the affections of both zeus and jupiter. famously, women who were favoured or hell, targeted by zeus, didn't end up so well. whether they were victimised by his methods of getting to them, his attempts to cover it up or the wrath of his wife, those women end up, nine times out of ten, dead or cursed.

beryl is no different. in getting both zeus and jupiter, she opens herself up to twice the godly wrath. and not only that, but in the deeply toxic world of hollywood elitism, the only way to maintain the high she lives in is through excess - more drugs, more fame, more press, more affection from the most powerful of all gods, with little care for the consequences. if she continues her relationship with zeus/jupiter, she's going to die, but there isn't a world in which this is real enough of a threat for her to stop. if she continues to pursue fame and fortune, partying and doing drugs, at one point she will go too far, and she's going to die. and in my fic (here), if she stays at home and lives the life that is expected of her, her dissatisfaction would be too much for her to live with. beryl's life, through any and all of her choices, is predestined to be cut short. with or without zeus, with or without fame, beryl is fated to die.

then there's thalia. thalia, the firstborn daughter, a child that breaks the big 3 pact that, more than likely, her father was the one to propose, being the king of the gods. thalia is cursed from the moment she's born, through no fault of her own. there are only two outcomes for her - she will, as the (age-wise) oldest big 3 child, reach 16 and die in battle as per the prophecy, or she will run away from her fame-crazed, grief-stricken, drug-addicted mother and sacrifice her life at age 12 in order to save her new family. thalia's story ends in death in every iteration. zeus turning her into a tree saves her, but only temporarily. luke poisoning the tree almost kills her but then leads to her essentially coming back to life - only temporarily, before she turns 16 and is killed fighting kronos. she narrowly escapes her fate by circumventing it, choosing to stay 15 forever. thalia loses all of her biological family, and survives, ironically, by gaining access to her mother's greatest unfulfilled wish - to live forever.

lastly, jason. arguably the biggest victim of them all. jason does everything right when the odds are stacked against him. jupiter is harsher and colder than zeus. juno is even more vengeful than hera. beryl is much deeper into her insanity and addiction when he is born. at the age of 2 he is surrendered to juno and to wolves, trained to be the perfect hero, to command a legion, to save the world. his life is wracked with tragedy but he remains stoic, he's kind and thoughtful, he focuses on justice and duty, even when parts of his mother's endless ambition and his father's power start to shine through in MOA. he was groomed to be a leader but he accepts his position as the right thing to do and tries his best to be a classic, good hero. we don't know if the roman counterparts of the gods made the same oath, but even without that curse, jason is a pawn of juno's, uncared for by his father, and given the weight of the world to carry away from his own family. and he isn't even given the dignity of a mighty hero's death. his life is ended swiftly, violently, and then it's done. his entire life's purpose to help others, and no one to help him.

the grace family were always cursed. every single one of them was fated to die. greek or roman or hollywood bound, they are a tragedy.

So Kira is here to ramble about one of the biggest problems that exists within Kumo and Kaze's relationship and it came up when Kumo was talking to Sam's Kaze. So for the sake of not confusing people to clarify, from this point in the post forward:

Kaze = Sam's Kaze (AU Timeline Kaze / Omega! Kaze) Black Wind = Quen's Kaze ( Kumo's Other / Bahamut! Kaze) So the one of the MANY things Kumo is struggling with is actually a huge problem between the two and Kumo explained it to Kaze, because they were talking about the differences in their age gaps, is that Black Wind slept for 12 years but consistently neglects to remember / realize / act on - the fact that Kumo was awake the entire time.

Kumo explained to Kaze "He fell asleep to a terrified boy and woke to an exhausted man. He wants me to see him how he is but in his eyes I am forever a child."

The problem here as Kumo explained to Kaze is "He seems to fail to respect the fact that, while the gaps must be terrifying and I am willing to help him with whatever he needs, the world did not simply stop without him and that I did not simply stop without him. "

Kumo went further to explain: "I have been here for nearly 15 long years now but to him, he has only been in Wonderland for 2 short years. The memories of my home have grown fuzzy in my mind but he can still hold his fresh in his hands has if it all happened only a few years ago. He has only known me for roughly 5 years if we count what Black Wind cannot remember, but I oh but I have known him for decades."

Kumo carried on further to explain: "Time moves differently for us."

And while at no fault of his own, I think it's important to remember that Kaze is missing over a decade's worth of time and in that decade Kumo grew from a boy into a man and he survived hardship after hardship all for the sake of keeping Kaze's sleeping form safe. Kumo was awake and Kumo was alone.

Kumo explained to Kaze further: "I used to sneak out to care for him. Brush his hair out and wash his face. I couldn't do much but I did whatever I could. I would get punished severely upon my return, but it was worth it in the end because someone needed to look after him."

So this aspect of "Black Wind is older than Kumo" by ten years is sort of a moot point at this point because by all rights - Kumo is older than Black Wind as he was awake for the entire time they've been in Wonderland. Kumo simply knows Wonderland better. By all rights, he's been there longer.

Kumo went through hell in the time Black Wind was asleep and it's important to remember that Kumo went through that hell for Black Wind's sake. He's seen horror and survived (and not survived) so much.

So just looking at the aspect of time wise: when it comes to knowing how Wonderland works and interacting with the people there and being able to speak a multitude of languages - more than just Wonderlandian, Misterican and Windarian -> Kumo had the time to learn them and he did. Kumo's aspirations and endgame goal were born from the fact that he's been in Wonderland for so long and experienced so much more of it.

From all his escape attempts to the horrendous tasks The Earl sent him out to do. He's simply experienced Wonderland more because he's been here for basically half his life at this point.

Time moves much slower for Kumo. That's why his soul scars have him so afraid because now it's not.

to be clear i am not at all serious about this, but i went into a deep dive into the playlists (inconclusive but i had fun so-) and this is what i have done. the numbers are the song number in their playlists. 

I also have no idea if this has been done or not. Like the playlists are from 2017 so I’m assuming so? but idk. anyways this was fun, thought i’d share. I bolded my favourite ones (also the most cohesive ones)

1. Small town boy, should I stay or should I go now?

2. Always there to remind me; walk on the wild side. 

3. I can’t hear you, she blinded me with science.

4. Stuck in the middle with you; I ran (so far away). 

5. I’m still standing in the face of evil. 

6. Hold on- a real hero. 

7. Mirror in the bathroom, still haunting me.

8. When love breaks down every breath you take.

9. Love is stranger under cover of darkness.

10. Radio, radio; beta girl lost in forever.

11. Don’t you want me? Upside-down and inside out. 

12. teenage kicks, staying alive. 

13. Ghostbusters, don’t you (forget about me).

14. Icky thump, running in the night.

15. Destination unknown? I won’t back down. 

16. Something about you (7 version) searching the blue. 

17. Are friends electric? You don’t mess around with Jim. 

18. Slug song, if you leave. 

19. You spin me round (like a record), run for cover.

20. Cars, under pressure. 

21. You really got me afraid of everyone. 

22. It’s my life, living on a prayer. 

23. Space age love song, out of breath.

24. My generation; vale of shadows. 

25. Dead of night; cold, cold, cold.

26. Start me up a victory of love. 

27. Dark days, mad world.

28. Another one bites the dust. What is love?

29. Howlin’ for you, spirit of the night.

30. Telephone operator, don’t stop believing.

31. Hand on a gun, another brick in the wall.

32. Blue Monday, creature comfort. 

33. Don’t you want me free falling? 

34. Danger zone, after hours run. 

35. Drawing board, too shy. 

36. Carry on wayward son, no other way. 

37. Machine age voodoo, beat the devil’s tattoo. 

38. Everyday is Halloween, breath in (the air). 

39. Echo home, make no mistake. 

40. Ziggy stardust, shake your molecules.

41. Come a little closer? Run away.

42. War; sympathy for the devil. 

43. It’s up to you now, if you leave.

44. How do you like me now, night crawler?

45. Blue veins, let’s cruise. 

46. (Don’t fear) the reaper, be afraid. 

this is some form of poetry. i can feel it. Mash song titles together and think- poetry. Some of these are pretty cool

When you yell at me, I'm a child again, but I'm not a child. I'm 33.

You make jokes about my breasts, & suddenly I'm 10 years old again. But I'm not 10. I'm 33.

You tell me how "hot" or "sexy" I look and suddenly I'm 16 again being told by an Adult to put a shirt on because my Uncle had Adult Men coming over. But I' not 16. I'm 33.

You lie to me and suddenly I'm 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16 and 17, wondering why I'm the only one that tells the truth when everyone around me lies and why do you call me a liar when I'm the only one that is telling the truth? Only I'm no longer a child. I'm 33.

You chose them after you vowed me forever. Only I'm not 14, 15, 16, 19, 24, 27, 28, or 31. I'm 33.

When you tell me I'll never be a "Good Mother", and suddenly I'm 19 again sitting on stairs listening to the then love of my life and all of his family discussing taking away a possible future baby because, "I'll never make a good Mother". Crying on the floor because the ONE THING I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED, I allowed people to take away, and I agree with you, breaking my own heart. Only I'm not 19. I'm 33.

I'm 33 now and I still carry the weight of all of my life experiences leading up to now. For so many reasons, throughout every interaction I have with people who seem to think they know better than I do when it comes to my life, I age regress and I go back to a time that you were never even there for.

Yet somehow... EVERY. SINGLE. WORD that you EVER speak, whisper and/or yell at me, or even the passive aggressive actions you do when you are angry, EVEN WHEN IT IS NOT AT ME, send me right back to that place that I never want to remember.

You were never even there!

Then the question "Why does this remind me of home when you weren't even there?" arised and the following question came up:

"Why is home a place of Chaos, pain and hurt?" I left that home at 19 years old and I promised myself I would never return to a place that classified any of this as "LOVE" and yet, I created that exact "Home" I ran away from as a child.

So instead of running away as an Adult, I changed the people around me. I moved myself. I chose better for myself. I raised my Standards and FINALLY chose myself over every single person that I love more than myself, for my own sanity, peace, happiness and overall well-being.

I have a choice NOW and I have a voice NOW and that is why I choose to walk away from people that do not serve my life in a good purpose.

Wilson

1000 words

Sex Ed Final

Going through this semester has really opened my eyes to how sexual wellbeing connects to your overall wellbeing. In this class we made journals for modules 3,5 and 6. It helped me keep focused on all the parts in this program, not just a test here and a reading there. I personally was hit with module 5. Module 5 was about how we as people express the love language and how we show it. Chapter 11 brought me into a whole new territory, I have always had the mindset that sex is love. It’s not but growing up with little to know parental presence I was always looking to be loved. I started hanging around people who were 16,17 and 18 at the age of 14 and a big part of that was because I was looking to be loved. My husband was 18 when we got together. It wasn’t love back then it was co-dependency and we both know this. He was dependent on drugs, and I was dependent on feeling wanted and needed. We had many ups and downs throughout the years. This class has stabilized our marriage. We now are using actual means of communication and affection to each other. We learned what love languages looked like together and apart and how they work together. This was new to both of us, we would not be as strong as we have become this last year in our relationship if it wasn’t for this class in my opinion.

 What really jumped out to me in chapter 9 was the statistics that the book had offered. Things like "6 percent of adolescents have sex before age 13 (Eaton et al., 2012). Experts agree that sex at age 15 or earlier is “early” sex and that it carries a number of risks (Price & Hyde, 2009)." The reasoning behind this is I don’t know if I was just engaging in life before my time or what but, that 6 percent just doesn’t seem realistic to me. Now if it would have said the 6 percent that doesn’t engage early. That would have been believable. The reason being is I was engaging in sexual behaviors un-forced by age 12. I thought this was normal too. I peaked in sexual activity when I was about 14 years old and had my son by 15. Partly the people I surrounded myself with at that time and partly because I felt I could do anything an adult could because not like anybody was going to stop me. So, reading the statistics on this was shocking. It did explain why I went through a whore faze just trying to figure out what a real connection was when I was 17.

We may look a little deeper into chapter 10, it brought a fight or flight message to me. Chapter 10 brings up Co-habitation and how it is a doomed day to marriage that I really didn’t understand. It still doesn’t make sense when I think about it either. Co-habitation is a part of our nature, not even in a sexual manner either. We as mammals thrive off the connection of others. It also made me think about how some religious groups who say you can’t live together before marriage confuse me, you never know who somebody really is until you are around them regularly, you get sick, healthy, angry and happy. You see how they cope when they are stressed and what they truly believe in. I always believe that if you do not stay actively in your habitat with somebody you can end up in over your head when it comes time to be forever or never.   

Thankfully this chapter brought my attention to how married couples have dry spells in life and in the bedroom. That is normal and it’s okay. What scarred me about this chapter was the rates of failure in relationships that fact that when studied thirty-seven percent of men and thirty-eight percent of woman admitted they believed they would cheat. Yes, flirting is cheating. For two people who mutually agree to monogamy have such a high rate to believe they will step out of the relationship for a feeling of desire.

            What I didn’t expect from this class was a sense of realization to help my relationship and bring unity to my marriage. I originally signed up for this class just because I needed a health credit. I am happy with my choice, this class has given me an understanding of the differences and similarities that sexuality plays on our daily lives, as well as how to approach the differences amongst people. I learned how there are different groups of love, it’s not just an “I love you, you love me” relationship. I learned it’s a triangle and realistically we need all points to excel. I learned how the development of fetishes and kinks are created in one’s brains. Coming from somebody has actively participated in the world of femdom/fetdom as a dominant this class has truly given me some insight, I never thought about in doing such behaviors.

Sexual Coercion was a very well written chapter to investigate. It brings attention to information most people don’t really consider as coercion. I am however appalled at the rapes reported. When you think about it that is just the amount of people who admit they were raped what about the countless MEN and women who don’t report. Rape is a serious problem and its not just a woman problem. Rape is one of the worst crimes that can be committed yet it is treated as if the victim is crazy, or they just drank to much. Never has a police officer asked a victim of car jacking or even mugging “Are you sure you didn’t want your car stolen?” as that is honestly a big message, we as society need to get across. How come the rape victim isn’t just believe and supported that they need to prove they were a victim. If we stop acting as if its up to the victim to prove that they were attacked, we might have a more accurate representative on how much rape actually occurs.

*holds the microphone up to Cookie* For the ask game -Joel

1) How did you get your name?

2) Age?

Late 30s early 40s

3) Height?

Who's to say? Taller than Nate. I don't know if I'm taller than Jay. This is all pretendsies anyway. Might change my mind later.

4) Are you nonhuman?

Nope!

6) Favorite colour?

Orange.

7) What languages can you speak? Does the body know them?

English and basic Spanish. Same for us actually.

8) What's something you consider yourself good at?

At the moment I excel at thinking too much and making myself sad. My biggest flaw is I'm a perfectionist! In five years I hope to see myself still alive.

9) Any foods you'd like to try?

No 🧡 I'm a boxed in bitch. In my comfort zone and thriving. On my autism game. (Chuck says he wants to go to a Margaritaville but I know we wouldn't eat seafood so it'd just be for the ambiance 😒)

10) Do you have a playlist for yourself? What's the most 'you' song on it? How long is the playlist?

Both Award Show and Stress by Jim's Big Ego are very me. I also like the band Cheekface.

11) Are you a subsystem?

No.

12) Coke or pepsi?

Diet Coke.

13) For Fictives: Would you recommend others watch/read/ect your source?

Can't be much worse than the current fans. Go nuts.

14) Do you have an inner world? Anything neat go on there?

We just woke up again after having a system reset so there's not much complexity right now. I have an apartment though. It sucks shit.

15) How does being a system affect you in everyday life?

As a girl it made me mysterious and therefore irresistible to socially inept and emotionally unstable nerds that projected their ideas of what I was onto me. As a man it makes my clothing style difficult to categorize and financially unfeasible.

16) Are you open about it?

I've told a couple people. It feels very important to us, it's a big part of who we are and it hurts to not be seen as ourselves, but when we've told people it hurts more to see the confusion or disinterest. So we don't talk about it usually.

17) Anything you carry with you to help feel more like yourself?

Our main way of expressing ourselves is by dressing as ourselves so clothes.

18) If you could change the body at all, would you? Howso?

I'd want to have my voice but. I don't know about other people. I wouldn't feel comfortable doing anything permanent, knowing I'm just a renter.

19) Does your gender or sexuality differ from your "singletsona" at all?

We're a trans guy, but I'm a cis guy. Honestly a lot of us are cis men so that translates to transitioning to male. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

20) Favorite song in general?

Award Show or Stress.

21) Tell a random fact about yourself

I'm brand new! I just woke up! I'm scared of going away forever! Just alter things!

You Were Made for This Moment

Today's inspiration comes from:

You Were Made for This Moment

by Max Lucado

‘To whom will you compare Me? Or who is My equal?’ says the Holy One.

— Isaiah 40:25

As Moses announced:

"'Who among the gods is like You, Lord? Who is like You — majestic in holiness? — Exodus 15:11

And the psalmist asked:

Who in the skies is comparable to the Lord? Who among the sons of the mighty is like the Lord? — Psalm 89:6 NASB

As Augustine prayed:

What then are you my God? What, I ask, except the Lord God. For who is the Lord besides God? Or who is God besides our God? — Most high, most good, most powerful, most omnipotent, most merciful and most just, most secret and most present; most beautiful and most strong; most stable and incomprehensible; unchangeable (yet) changing all things; never new, never old; making all things new, and bringing the proud to (the collapse of) old age; ever acting, ever at rest; gathering, and not needing; carrying and filling and protecting (all things); creating and nourishing and perfecting; seeking, though you lack nothing.1

Consider the work of His hands.

But ask the animals, and they will teach you, or ask the birds of the air, and they will tell you.

Speak to the earth, and it will teach you, or let the fish of the sea tell you.

Every one of these knows that the hand of the Lord has done this.

The life of every creature and the breath of all people are in God’s hand. — Job 12:7-10 NCV

The next time you feel the weight of the world, talk to the One who made the world. As your perception of God grows greater, the size of your challenge grows smaller. If God can sway the heart of a Persian monarch, if He can reverse certain death into victorious life, if He can turn a scheduled holocaust into an annual holiday, do you not think He can take care of you?

I’m sorry for your exile in Persia. I’m sorry for your deep wounds and weariness. I’m so sorry that you so quickly understand the meaning of words like pain, fear, and sadness.

"Relief will come. Will you be a part of it?"

— Max Lucado

Springtime seems like forever from now, I know. But, friend, it isn’t. The story of Esther dares you to believe that God, though hidden, is active. He brings life out of broken things. The apostle Paul was summarizing Esther when he wrote:

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. — Romans 8:28

“We know,” Paul said. There are so many things in life we do not know. We do not know if the economy will dip or if our team will win. We don’t always know what our kids are thinking or our spouse is doing. But according to Paul we can be dead certain of four things.

We know God works. He is busy behind the scenes, above the fray, and within the fury. He hasn’t checked out or moved on. He is ceaseless and tireless.

He never stops working for our good. Not for our comfort, pleasure, or entertainment, but for our good. Since he himself is the ultimate good, would we expect anything else?

To do this He uses all things. Panta in Greek. As in panoramic or panacea or pandemic. All inclusive. God works, not through a few things or just the good things, best things, or easy things, but in all things God works.

He works for the good of those who love Him. Good things happen to those who trust God. The umbrella of God’s providence does not extend to cover the evil and hard-hearted. But for those who seek Him and His will, in all things God works.

A puppet in the hands of fortune and fate? Not you. You are secure in the hands of a living and loving God.

A random collection of disconnected events? Far from it. Your life is a crafted narrative written by the Author of life, who is working toward your supreme good and a sublime ending.

Relief will come. Will you be a part of it?

It seems to me that the entire world is in a state of trauma. People do not know why they were born or where they are destined to go. This is the age of much know-how and very little know-why. The invisible enemies of sin and secularism have left us dazed and bewildered.

The world needs you! We need people with the resolve of Mordecai and the courage of Esther. The world is in desperate need of a people of God who will stay steady in the chaos.

People like the ones who gathered in war-torn London. No one would have blamed them for canceling church services on that Sunday morning. A bombing raid had roared in the city throughout the night. London was a circle of fire. Buildings were destroyed. Even the walls of this church were flattened. Members arrived to find pews covered with dust and mortar. But rather than despair, they chose to worship. Amid the heaps of stones they began to sing:

The church’s one foundation is Jesus Christ her Lord; She is His new creation, By Spirit and the Word: From Heav’n He came and sought her

To be His holy Bride, With His own blood He bought her, And for her life He died.

Can you envision that circle of brave souls? Smack-dab in the center of global chaos, they worshipped. They set their faith on our unfailing God. The song was an admonition of sorts, a declaration of truth amid a crumbling society.

The song may well have saved the life of Ben Robertson. He was an American war correspondent who had arrived in London the day before. The night bombing left him undone and terrified. The explosions, sirens, and cries of the wounded caused him to despair of life itself.

“If this is what modern civilization has brought us to — if this is the best that modern man can achieve, then let me die,” he prayed.

At some point he dozed off. He awoke to the unexpected sound of people singing a hymn. He looked out the window and saw the congregation gathered in the rubble.

He later wrote: “Suddenly I saw in the world something that was unshatterable — something that had endured through millennia, something that was indestructible — the spirit and life and power of Jesus Christ within His Church.”2

Bombs are still dropped. Worlds still explode. Walls still collapse. Pandemics still rage. But in the midst of it all, the Lord still has His people. And when they proclaim the truth of God in the middle of a crumbling world, you never know who might be changed.

God is in the middle of this. This steep climb. This uphill struggle. This cold, fierce headwind you are facing. You feel overwhelmed. Weary. Ill-equipped to weather it. But lift up your eyes. That is your Father standing on the driveway. He is in this moment with you. Who knows but that you have been chosen for such a time as this?"'

Fr. William Most, “Excerpts from St. Augustine,” 1.4, EWTN, https://www.ewtn.com/catholicism/library/excerpts-from-st-augustine-9962. Benjamin P. Browne, Illustrations for Preaching (Nashville, TN: Broadman, 1977), 72–73.

Excerpted with permission from You Were Made for This Moment by Max Lucado, copyright Max Lucado.

Need a place to save my life’s work for keeps- they do say the internet is forever...

I have fears of losing my master music collection that I’ve been curating since I stole an ipod out of a drunk dudes tent while he was passed out in my backyard and hand recorded each song so, without further explanation, may I present “The Collection” in complete text file. 

COLLECTION 1:

11 Girls 12 12 13 She Way Out 14 Menswear 15 Play It Loud 15 Pressure 18 25 to life 27 1000 nights 1983 1994 1996 1998 A heartbreak A million men Acadia Achievement Acid rain Adderall Addict with a pen Addict Afraid Again Against the grain Agnes Ain't gonna drown Air I breathe Alaska All about us All day and all of the night All the kids are depressed Alone Always An art gallery could never be as magnificent as yo Anchor Another brick in the wall Apologize Are you gonna be my girl Asshole Astoria At seventeen Atmosphere Away Ayahuasca Back to you Backbeat Bad Bitch Bad boy Bad habit Bad liar Bad Reputation Bad things Ballin Barbed wire Barcelona Basket case Be wherever you are Beautiful Because We Can Beggar In The Morning (Barr Brothers) Beggin for thread Belong Berzerk Beside you Between us Big girls don't cry Big machine Big yellow taxi Bills Bite my tongue Bitter leaf Black And Yellow (Dirty) Black Betty Black Holes Blackbird Bleed it out Bleed Bleeding out Bliss Blood in the cut Blood water Boogie Born to die Bourbon Break my heart again Breakeven Breathe me Breathe Broken bones Broken Brother Bruises Bubbly Bud like you Build it better Bury it Buzzcut season California rain Call me Calm down Can't stop Capable Capsize Carry on Cavern's dark Caves Cecilia and the satellite Ceilings Celebrity status Chanel Change it all Changes Charlemagne Charlie brown Chasing cars Chasing pavement Chateau Chemicals Chemistry Chills Chris Collins - Ain't Ready Chris Tomlin - Good Good Father Chris Young - Goodbye Chris Young - I'm Comin' Over Chris Young - Lonely Eyes Cigarettes & Loneliness City life Clarity Classy girls Clementine Cleopatra Clocks Coastline Cocaine Coconut water Cold wind blows Come and get your love Come hang out Come Together Comfort of strangers Connection Conquest Could it be another change Crazy bird Crazy love Cringe Cross my mind Dance Dancing in the daylight Dani California Dark necessities Day gaunts Daydream Daydreamer Days move easy Deep end Defeated Different Dissolve DNA Do I wanna know Do it alone Do you feel it Done with love Don't bring me down Don't Forget Where You Belong Don't just sit here and drink yourself to death Don't let me get me Don't threaten me with a good time Don't Dots and dashes Down on my luck Downtown Drama Drift Drive Drops Of Jupiter Drug ballad Drugs 2 Drugs 3 Drunk Ease Echo Edge of town Elegy Elevator Eminem - Drug Ballad Eminem - Without Me End of the summer Ends of the earth (live) Epiphany Eros and Apollo Ever since new york Everybody gets high Everybody wants to rule the world Everything is alright Eye to eye Eyes closed Face Fake you out Fall for you Fall Fancy shoes Far alone Faux Favorite color is blue Feel it still Feeling whitney Feels Female energy Fight song Fire and the flood First time he kissed a boy First Flashed Junk Mind Fool for love (live) Fool for love Foolish love Forces of the unseen Foreplay Forever ago Forget about dre Freaks and Geeks Friends From the dining room Full disclosure Genghis Khan Geronimo Get away Giants Girl I met on the internet Girls like girls Girls your age Girls, Girls, Boys Give me one reason Give me something Go flex Go fuck yourself Go God I hope this year is better than the last God is on the move Gold Good girl Good man, bad man Good old days Gotta be somebody Green light Greenback Boogie Grown up Gummy H.S.K.T Halcyon Hall of Fame (ft. will.i.am) Hallucinogenics Hands on the wheel Hannah Hard feelings Harry Styles - Sign Of The Times   Hash pipe Heartbeat Heaven Hello my old heart Here comes a thought Here it goes again Here we are Hideaway Highschool Holdin out Holocene Holy Spirit - Francesca Battistelli Home Homegrown Homesick Honey sweet Honey whiskey Hopeless Hors d'oeuvre Hot mess Hotel Andrea Houdini How we feel I Am Who Am I built a friend I can't stand it I don't mind I Dont Wanna Live Forever - Zayn and Taylor Swift Cover I feel everything I follow rivers I get knocked down I hate myself for loving you I have made mistakes I know what I am I know you care I know you love to fall I love you so I might I need a woman I need some sleep I run empty I told you I was mean I wanna get better I want to feel alive I Will Always Be Yours I will follow you into the dark I will follow I won’t give up Iggy Azalea - Work I’m alive I’m an Albatraoz I’m not famous I’m not really fine I’m ready I’m with you Imma Be Impossible In my head In my veins In spite of all the danger In the end In too deep Ink Innocence Insecure Into the sun Iridescent Island In The Sun Islands It’s;s not my fault, I'm happy It’ss not over It’ss on us It’ss time Jenny Jet Pack Blues Jocelyn flores Juicy sweatsuits Jukebox Hero Jump Just can't get enough Just to get high Kate Voegele - Hallelujah Keep your head up Kids Killing me to love you Kings Kiss like a woman Kitchen sink L.S.D. La la la Laser gun Last of her kind Latch - Kodaline Laughing on the outside Leave a trace Lemon boy Lemon to a knife fight Let you down Letdown Let's Skip To The Good Bit Liability Lies, Lies, lies Lifted up Lighters Like gold Like toy soilders Lil Wayne - Mirror (feat. Bruno Mars) Little do you know Little secrets Little Things Little white lies Location Lone digger Lonely alone Lonely boy Lose yourself Lost generation Lost in space Lost kitten Lost song Lost Love again Love game Love is mystical Love like this Love lockdown Love on the brain Love somebody Love Loveless Lover boy Lovesick Mad behaviour Mad Sounds Mad world Magnets Malibu Mama always told me Mars Me Medicated Meet me halfway Meet me in the woods (live) Memo Mercedes Benz Mercury Middle fingers Migraine Mockingbird Moments I’m missing More Morphine Mountain to move Mr Jones Must be the ganja My band My fault.m4a My generation My house My Lighthouse (The Rend Collective) My name is My own worst enemy Nancy Drew Need you now Neptune Netflix & Dusse Netflix Never enough New fears Nightshift No angels No CD No faith in brooklyn No interruption No love No name No scrubs No stranger Norwegian Wood Nostalgia Not afraid Not too late Nothing without love Nothing wrong with me Numb Number one Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da Ocean eyes Oceans Ode to the bouncer Oh well Old friends Old pine Old school turntables On the other side On top of the world On top of the world One man town Ooh la Ophelia Out of it Out of mind Overdose Owl City - Fireflies Paint Paper crown Paper moon Paper thin Parasites Past lives Peach pit Peanut butter jelly Perfect day Perfect places Perfect.wma Pills n potions Pink lemonade Pink Love Plastic dreams Play with fire Pleader Please don't say you love me Plot twist Pork soda Pretty little gangster Priorities Promise Promising light Pump up the jam Punchin bag Punching in a dream Purple Haze Questions Radio Rap God Raw Ready to change Rebel Rebel Rebel Recover Rental Replay Revenge Ribs Ride River Rivers and roads Robbers Rock and Roll Rock 'n' roll ain't noise pollution Role model Roman Holiday Run rabbit run Run Runaway Running Sad Machine Sad Salt Satellite Saving us a riot Saw mill Say anything.m4a Say anything.wma Say my name Scary Love Science vs Romance Secrets Self control Senior skip day Settle down Seventeen Sex She moves in her own way She was Sheep She's dope Ships in the night Shout Show it to me Sick of it Silly boys Simple song Simplethings Sing for the moment Sirens Skinny love Sleep in the heat Sleep on the floor Sleepless Smile Sober up Sober Someone New Someone to stay Someone to you Songs about your girlfriend Sorry Soul To Squeeze [October 1993] Space bound Spaceman Starcrossed losers Stay high Stay quiet Stay together Step Stoned & Starving Stop the world I wanna get off with you Strange love Strangers Stronger than I was Stuck with me Suburbia Summer Summersong Super far Superhero Surrender Surround me Sweatpants Sweet Child O'Mine Sweet creature Sweet dreams Sweet Sweetest thing T.I - Dead And Gone Ft. Justin Timberlake - Copy Take control Take it slowly Talk to me Tangled Team Tear in my heart Tee shirt Teenage Evolution Tempted That's how you know The anthem The big bang The birds are singing at night The broken hearts club The color blue The girl The good part The good side The last time The love club The middle The monster The moth and the flame The mute The night we met (live) The nights The one The outsider The real slim shady The re-up The silence These memories These Times Thinking of you This is America This is what makes us girls This life Thoughts & Prayers Tightrope Time of your life Tiptoe.m4a To be human Together alone Total eclipse of the heart Trust issues Trust Turn Turning out Turning Pages Twenty Flight Rock Twisted Two coins Two fingers U.N.I. Ugly Unconditionally Until we can't (let's go) Up we go Uptown Girl Upward over the mountain Van Halen  - Black And Blue Vines Vulcano Wait a minute! Waiting on the world to change Wake the fuck up Walk on the wild side Walk on water Walking all day Walkway blues Want you back Was there nothing Waterways Waves We are all astronauts We might be dead by tomorrow We R Who We R We stayed up all night We will run Weak Welcome home We're not just friends What they want When I'm gone When we were young Where Is My Mind Where is the love Where the sky hangs Who Are You Why can't I Why Wide awake Wild Ones Wild things Wild Wiser Without me Without you Written in the stars Yesterday You And I You are not a robot You don't get me high anymore You don't know where you stand You got to hide your love away You gotta fight for your right You make my dreams You Young blood Young kids, old love Young, dumb and broke Young Younger now Your shirt Your somebody else Your song

COLLECTION 2:           Everyday           The Funeral           Above The Clouds Of Pompeii           Bury a Friend           ( slowed down ) zipper           Toy Box (Remix) - Cal Scruby           Phantom           Feels like summer           Out of my head           Threatz           Ghosts (dylan owen)           Edward Sharpe  The Magnetic Zeros - Home           Home           Eminem - No Apologies  Dirty Version           Space Bound           Talking To Myself-em           grandson Apologize           American Teen           Mariners Apartment Complex           White Crime           Classic Male Pregame           Gratitude           Personality (feat. T Pain)           It's Alright           Notepad           Ghosts (2)           Who Knew           King For A Day           blue cheese           Skrillex - Scary Monsters And Nice Sprites             Jailhouse blues           Snak The Ripper - Poison           The Wheel           Stuck in the middle with you           Drugs           What Redbone would sound like if you used to know it           Borderline           - Till Its Gone             {L.H.} Ghost on the Shore           03 Adolescence           (8D) Do I Wanna Know           (8D) Lucid Dreams           21st Century Breakdown           Affairs of the Heart           Ain't no rest for the wicked           Ain't No Rest For The Wicked by Cage The Elephant           Aint Your Right           Alec Benjamin - Outrunning Karma           The Alphabeat           Always Forever           American Boy           Animal           Apparently           Aquilo - You Won't Know Where You Stand             Aquilo - You're Like Me             Arrested Youth - Brightside           Ashnikko - Hi, It's Me             Ashnikko - Special           Ashnikko - STUPID  feat. Yung Baby Tate           Ashnikko - Working Bitch             Avicii - Levels           Bad day           Bad Decisions           Bad Things           Bagpipes From Baghdad           Bangarang           Beauty           Better Love           Big Bad World           Big Black Car           Billy Idol - Dancing with myself             Bitch, Dont Kill My Vibe           Bitter Sweet Symphony           The Black Eyed Peas - BIG LOVE           Black Veil Brides - In the End           Blank SpaceStyle           Blindsided           Blood           boy pablo - Feeling Lonely             Brain Damage           Bridges           Broken Arrow           Broken           Broken.           Buisness           CA Plane Pour Moi           Car Radio           Car Radio-Twenty One Pilots           Caring is Creepy - The Shins           Casual Affair           Caterpillar           Catey Shaw - Night Go Slow           Cats, Dogs & Rats           Cemetery Drive           Charles William - No Ordinary           Chelsea Dagger           Chelsea Hotel No 2           Cherub - Doses and Mimosas           Cigarette Daydreams           The Clash At Demonheads - Black Sheep           Cocoa Hooves           Come Home to My Heart (mashup of every lorde song)           Come On Eileen           Comfortably numb           Cops           Cough Syrup           Criminal           Crossfire (8D)           Cryin'           Dan Mangan - Road Regrets [Nice, Nice, Very Nice - Track 01]           Dancing with Myself           Darkness           David Guetta - The Alphabeat           David Guetta (Feat. Jessie J) - Repeat           David Guetta (Feat. Usher) - Without You           Dead Presidents III           Dead Sea           Dear friend           Delete Forever           Democracy (Bonus Track)           Disenchanted           Dog Days Are Over           Doin Time           Doja Cat - Trauma           Dreams           Drunk In Love           Dynoro- Hangover           EAGLE EYE CHERRY - STREETS OF YOU           Eminem - The Ringer             The End           Enter Sandman           Erode           Estelle - American Boy [Feat. Kanye West]           Everyone Says I'm Paranoid           Farewell           Fast Car           Feel Again           Feelings           Fineshrine           First Aid Kit - It's a Shame             First Day of My Life           First of the Year           For Elise           For The First Time           Futuristic - I Guess, I'll Smoke           G.O.M.D.           Getting Better           Ghosting           Give Up           Godzilla           Good LIfe           Good Vibrations           Goodbye Stranger           Gorillaz - Rhinestone Eyes           grandson x Moby Rich Happy Pill           Gun Song  - The Lumineers           Guns For Hands           Gypsy           Happy           Hard Sun           Have you ever seen the rain           Heathens           Heavenly Father           Heavydirtysoul           High Hopes           High You Are           Holy.           Hopsin - Witch Doctor           Humility           The Hype           I Can't Help Myself           I Lost Something in the Hills           I Wanna Get High           I Will           Idaho           If I Go, I'm Goin           In The End           In Too Deep (em)           Indie Rock and Roll           Iris           it ends tonight           Ive Got This Friend           J Ember - Lower Than Low           January 28th           Jazz           Jungle           Kerry Hart - I Know A Gun           Kiiara - Gold (prod. by Felix Snow)           Kill You           The Kills - What New York Used To Be           Lana del Rey - Summertime Sadness (SxAde Synthwave Remix)80s           Lana Del Rey - Young and Beautiful (from The Great Gatsby Soundtrack)           Landslide           Last Night (beer fear)           LauvFeelings             Leader Of The Landslide           Leave it all behind           Leaving Heaven           Let It Go           Let My Love Open The Door           Lisztomania           Little Pistol           Look After You           Love In Stereo           Love letter           The Lumineers - It Wasn't Easy To Be Happy For You (Part 4 Of 10)           The Lumineers - Left For Denver (Part 6 Of 10)           The Lumineers - My Cell           Man To Man           Marsh           Matilda           Me & You Together Song           Meaner Girl           Metallica Enter Sandman             Miike Snow- Animal           Milk Man           Missed Connection           Monster (DotEXE Dubstep Remix)           Morning Song           Move           Mr Fear           My Kind of Woman           My Smile Is Extinct           My Type           Nantes           National Anthem           Need a Minute           New Perspective (acoustic)           New Soul           Nicotine           Night time, my time           No Fun           No Ordinary           No Tellin'           Now I'm In It           Obsessions           Oceans (7 Layers Sessions)           Oh no           Old Time's Sake           On Melancholy Hill           Once Upon A Dream           One Day           Out for a rip           Outrunning Karma           Outta My Head - The Eagle Rock Gospel Singers           Over My Head           Pain - Three Days Grace           Party Favor           Power Trip           Preacher           Promises           Purity Ring - Fineshrine (4AD)           Puzzle Pieces           Re Stacks           Repeat           Return Of Simba           Rhiannon           Rhinestone Eyes           Road Regrets           Rock Bottom           Rocket Man           Rocket Man (I Think It's Going To Be A Long, Long Time)           Roses           ROSIE           Roxanne           Ryan & Dave           Sabotage           Sad Dream           SADE IN THE 90's           Salad Days           Salt And The Sea           San Luis           Santa Fe           Say You Love Me           Scar Tissue           The Scientist           Secrets           Self Aware Bitch           Setting Sun           Seven Wonders           Sex, Money, Sneakers           Shake it off           The Sharpest Lives           Shelter Song           She's A Riot           The Shins - New Slang           Skinny Love (Das Kapital Remix)           SKRILLEX - Bangarang feat. Sirah           Skrillex - First Of The Year (Equinox)           Sleepyhead           Slide Away           Soaked           Soap           Social Sites           Somebody told me           Speed Of Sound           Spin Doctors - Two Princes           St. Tropez- [2014 Forest Hills Drive]           The Stable Song           Stan (Dido)           Stay High           Stay High (Britanny Howard)           Sticky Situation           Stop and Stare           Stop Children What's That Sound           Streets of you           Strung Out           Sublime - What I Got             Summertime Sadness (SxAde Synthwave Remix)           Supalonely           Sweet Talk           Take a Walk           Take Care           A Tale of 2 Cities           Talk           The A Team- Ed Sheeran           Tessellate           TLC - Waterfalls           Tried to Make You My Own           TRNDSTTR           twenty one pilots - Goner             Twenty One Pilots - Heathens (Suicide Squad)           Two Weeks           Two Weeks - Grizzly Bear           Unaccommodating           Undone - FFH           Venice Bitch           The Verve - Bitter Sweet Symphony             Viva La Vida           Waste my time with you           Waterfalls           Watsky - Love Letters           The Way I Am           We Built This City           We Didn't Start the Fire           We think too much           Wet Dreams           What I Got           When You Were Young           White Rabbit           Wild Thing           Wonderwall           Yah Yah           Young and Beautiful           Young and Beautiful in the 80s Lana Del Rey (Retro Remix)           Young Man           Youth    [not alphabetically sorted] Everyday           The Funeral           Above The Clouds Of Pompeii           Bury a Friend           ( slowed down ) zipper           Toy Box (Remix) - Cal Scruby           Phantom           Feels like summer           Out of my head           Threatz           Ghosts (dylan owen)           Edward Sharpe  The Magnetic Zeros - Home           Home           Eminem - No Apologies  Dirty Version           Space Bound           Talking To Myself-em           grandson Apologize           American Teen           Mariners Apartment Complex           White Crime           Classic Male Pregame           Gratitude           Personality (feat. T Pain)           It's Alright           Notepad           Ghosts (2)           Who Knew           King For A Day           blue cheese           Skrillex - Scary Monsters And Nice Sprites             Jailhouse blues           Snak The Ripper - Poison           The Wheel           Stuck in the middle with you           Drugs           What Redbone would sound like if you used to know it           Borderline           Till Its Gone  

COLLECTION 3:

         {L.H.} The Yawning Grave          {L.H.} Time to Run          9 Times Out of 10          17          38 Years Old          1985 (Intro to The Fall Off)          Ain’t That A Kick In the Head          Aint No Peace          All The Places          All The Right Moves          All’s Well That Ends          Always Forever          Angel          Angel Of Small Death & The Codeine Scene          Animal (Sky Fierra-Miike Snow Cover)          The Apple          Apple Tree          AUATC          Back In The U.S.S.R.          Back to you          Bad Girls          Bellbottoms          Bennie And The Jets (Remastered 2014)          Benny Goodman          Big Parade          The Birthday Party          Bitterphobia          Black Sun          Bloodflood pt II          Blue          Bobcaygeon          Boys Will Be Bugs          Brain Damage          Breezeblocks          British Bombs          Brittle Bones Nicky          By The Way          C’est La Vie          Celebrity Status (Acoustic)          The Chain          Chasin’ Echoes (Re-Mastered)          Chasing Pavement By MGK          Chicken Fried          Clean Eyes          Closer          Cold Cold Cold          Coldplay - Shiver            Comin Home          Common People          Concrete          The Creator          Current Joys - A Different Age          Current Joys - Fear          Current Joys - Kids          Curse of the Currents          Dance Monkey          The Dead South - In Hell I’ll Be in Good Company The Umbrella Academy Season 2 OST          Dear Dictator          Death Bed (Coffee for Your Head)          Declan McKenna - Daniel, You’re Still a Child            Declan McKenna - Rapture            Delicate          Depress          Diane Young          Diet Mountain Dew          A different Age          Doin’ Time-Summertime          doja cat - 4 morant (better luck next time)          Doja Cat - Kiss Me More  ft. SZA          Doja Cat - Trauma          Don McLean- American Pie          Dont Feel Like Crying          DOPENESS          Down To My Last Cigarette          Drake - Jungle (432Hz)          Dreamland          Eagles - Hotel California            Ego Death          Elephant Gun          Ellie Goulding - Halcyon          Ellie Goulding - Lights (Single Version)          Eros          Exile          Exquisite Corpse          Fear & Delight          Featherstone          Feel          Feeling Lonely          First Class          For Sure          Freakin’ Out On the Interstate          Fresh Roses          Ghetto Gospel          GHOST          Glass Animals - Heat Waves            Glass Animals - Toes            Got It          Got My Mind Set On You (Version II)          The Grand Optimist          Guerra - Residente          Heart          Heart Of Glass          Heaven Up There          The Heavy- This ain’t No Place For No Hero          Help I’m Alive          Hip-Hop Saved My Life          Hoax          Hold On          Hold On (John)          Holding On To You          Holiday          Home (johhnyswim)          Hometown          Homewrecker          A Horse with No Name          House Of The Rising Sun          Hullabaloo          Human Geometry          Hymn For The Weekend          The Hype          Hypnotized (fever fever)          I Am Not a Robot [Clock Opera Remix]          I know you care          I Lost Something in the Hills          I Love You Like An Alcoholic          I Never Learn          I Should Have Known Better          I Think I’m Going To Kill Myself          I’ll Be Around          Immortal          In A Manner Of Speaking          In The City          In The Shadow Of The Valley          In the Year 2525 (Exordium Terminus)          Infinite Victory-The Notorious XX - Wait What          Island In The Sun          It Was A Sin          It’s called freefall          It’s in the Way That You Use It)          It’s Still Rock and Roll to Me          Jarod Lawley - Company          The Joker          Josie          Just Desserts          Kaleidoscope Dope          The Key to Life on Earth          Khalid - Hundred            Kid Cudi, Eminem - The Adventures Of Moon Man & Slim Shady          Kids (Lady Danville- MGMT cover)          The Kids Don’t Wanna Come Home          L.A. Not Alone Girl!          Lady Madonna          The Lakes          Laredo          Lauren O’ Connell - Dancing in the Dark          Lemons (Brye)          Let’s Go Outside          Lights          Listerine          Little lion man          Lockdown          Lonely People          Los Angeles          Love Me Tomorrow          Mad Woman          Madness          Major Tom (Coming Home)          Maniac          Manic Monday          Marcy Me          Marianas Trench Masterpiece Theatre I            MARINA- Savages          Masterpiece Theatre 3 - Marianas Trench with          Meaner Girl          Medicine          Memories          Message          Message For Your Mind          MGK - Mind Of A Stoner ft. Wiz Khalifa            Milky Chance - Cocoon          Milky Chance - Ego            Milky Chance - Unknown Song feat. Paulina Eisenberg          Milky Chance - Where Is My Mind (Pixies Cover)          Miss Atomic Bomb          Modern mystery          Moral of the Story          Move Along          Mustached Messiah          My Life          My Mind Playin Tricks on Me          My Stress          N.E.R.D & Rihanna - Lemon            Nice Fox          Nightmares          No Church In The Wild          No Diggity          No Rain          Novocaine          Numb          Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da          Offer          Oh baby          OK          On The Train Ride Home          Only the Good Die Young          Open By Rhye          Pale Blue Eyes          Panic Attack          The Passenger          Past Perfect          Peach Tinted - The Unknown          Pepper          Phantom Planet - California          Pity Party          Play That Funky Music          Polk Salad Annie          THE PRAYER          Psycho Killer          R.I.P. 2 my youth          Radio Ga Ga          Rare Americans - Berlin          Rare Americans - Garbage Day          Rare Americans - The Moneyz            Rare Americans Gas Mask            Read My Mind          Ready To Go          Rejjie Snow - 23 feat. Caroline Smith          Revolution          Ricky          Rolling Stone          Rose          The run and go          Run Boy Run          Run This Town          Runnin Down A Dream          SAINT MOTEL - Preach            Satellite          Save Me          See You Soon          Sega Genesis          Seven          Seven (taylor)          Seven Wonders          Sex on Fire          Shakin’  Off The Rust          Shameful Company          Shelter Song          Sick Shit          Since The Last Time          Sincerity Is Scary          Sippin          Sister Golden Hair          Sit Down Beside Me          Sleeping Sickness          Sleepyhead          Slick Rick - Children’s Story            Slow It Down          Slow Motion          Small Hands          Small Talk          Snow On Tha Bluff          Sorrow          Soul Of Mischief - 93 Til infinity          Space Oddity          Sparks          Stalker’s Tango          Static On The Radio          Stay Alive          Still Feel          Strung Out          Summer Breeze          Sunshine          Take Me Away          Take me home          Take The Long Way Home          Taylor Swift - the last great american dynasty          Tear you apart          Teenage Wasteland          That’s All          THAT’S THAT          Therapy          They Reminisce Over You (T.R.O.Y.)          This Is Me Trying          This Life (Vampire Weekend)          Three Second Memory          The Thrill - Wiz Khalifa          To Be Human          To My Enemies          Tokyo          The Trip          Tupac-Keep Ya Head Up          Unknown Mortal Orchestra - So Good at Being in Trouble          Until we bleed          Up all Night (beck)          Vampire Weekend Giving Up The Gun            Video Killed The Radio Star          Vienna (Billy Joel)          Vulcano - Francesca Michielin TESTO          Walking On The Moon          Warm Glow          Wax Tailor - Que Sera          We Can Work it Out          Weeds          The Weight          What A Perfect Day For Crying          What Is Life          Whateva          When It Lands          When The Day Comes          When the Night is Over          Wide Open          Wonderwall          YARMAK - ТУТ МІЙ ДІМ          Yesterday          Yesterday (Atmosphere)          You Are the Right One          You Cant Always Get What You Want          You Don’t Mess Around with Jim          You’re Nobody Till Somebody Wants You Dead          Young And Beautiful          Не приму и даром (Navai , Bahh Tee)          Юность (Dabro

COLLECTION 4:

          2Pac - Changes           2Pac - Keep Ya Head Up             4           (8D) Believer           (8D) Do I Wanna Know           (8D) Don’t Stop Me Now           (8D) Everybody Wants to Rule The World           (8D) It’s My Life           (8D) Lucid Dreams           (8D) Shout           (8D) Stolen Dance           (8D) The Less I Know The Better           (8D) Till I Collapse           (8D) Viva La Vida           (8D)-Another Love           (8D)-Blue Monday           (8D)-Like Toy Soldiers           (8D)-Lose Yourself           (8D)-Ocean Eyes           (8D)-Sing For The Moment           (8D)-Somebody That I Used To Know           (8D)-Summertime Sadness           21 Guns           29 #Strafford APTS           99 Luftballons           1901- phoenix           1979           Affection           Agnes           Ahead By A Century           All These Things I’ve Done           Alt-J (∆) Leon           Always- The Snuts           Ancient Dreams In A Modern Land           Angela           Another Day In Paradise           The Antlers - Kettering           ARE YOU LETTING GO (bennee)           Arizona           arms tonite           Axel Thesleff - Bad Karma           Back 2 Hiphop           Baggage           Bagpipes From Baghdad           Beck - Up All Night           Being special           Bellyache           Ben Franklin           BIG SHOT           Blister In The Sun           Blow At High Dough           Bobby Bloom Montego Bay 1970           boogie (slowed)           Boy Bye (slowed and reverb)           Bread           Burning Pile - Mother Mother (Slowed)           Bury It           Butthole Surfers - Pepper The Umbrella Academy Season 2 OST           Cancer           candy - robbie williams (slowed)           Caves- Noah Kahan           Chaise Longue           champagne problems           Children’s Story           Chris Webby - La La La           Circles           Claire Rosinkranz - Backyard Boy           closure           Cocaine           Coconut Water           Cold War Kids - First           Colorado           Conrad           CONSTANT           The Cost of the Crown - Mercedes Lackey           Courtney Barnett - Before You Gotta Go           Crabbuckit           Dabbla - Psychoville Feat. Graziella  (Prod. Roast Beatz)           Daydreams           Dear Prudence (Remastered 2009)           Democracy (Bonus Track)           Dion - The Wanderer [Fallout 4 - Wanderer Trailer Song]           Doja Cat - Boss Bitch             Doja Cat - Kiss Me More  ft. SZA           Dominoes - Sixty Minute Man - The First Rock and Roll Record!!           (Don’t Fear) The Reaper           Don’t Look Back           Don’t You (Forget About Me)           Donovan - Season of the Witch           Dont Stop Me Now           Dope & Smoke           Down On My Luck (vic mensa)           Drive- Oh Wonder           Drugs (swum)           Easy           easy life - have a great day (visualiser)           easy life - skeletons           Eddie Cochran - Summertime Blues [stereo]           The Effects of Climate Change on Densely Populated Areas           Emerald Lake, AB           Eminem White America (Uncensored)           Emma Louise - Jungle           Eve Of Destruction           Evelyn           Evermore           FALLOUT 4 SPECIAL RAP Dan Bull           False Creek Change           Feel It In My Bones           Feel It Still           Feels           For The Camera           Four Out Of Five           Froot           Fuck U Pal           The Gambler           Gerry Cinamon-Kampfire Vampire           Gerry Cinnamon- Sun Queen           Gerry Cinnamon-Canter           Gerry Cinnamon-Head in the clouds           Gerry Cinnamon-Outsiders           Gerry Cinnamon-Six String Gun           Gerry Cinnamon-The Bonny           Gerry Cinnamon-War Song Soldier           Gerry Cinnamon-Where We’re Going           Get Back (Remastered 2009)           Getting Better (Remastered 2009)           Ghost           Gimme More           Gives You Hell           gold rush           Golden           Good Luck           Goodnight Chicago           Gorillaz - Clint Eastwood           Gorillaz - The Valley of the Pagans ft. Beck (Episode Eight)           The Guess Who - No Sugar Tonight - New Mother Nature           Hahahaohhoho           Happy Little Pill (Remix) s l o w e d           Heavenly Father           Helena Beat           Heroes (2017 Remaster)           High enough (Slowed Down)           Hit the Road Jack           Home- Leo           Hozier - Dinner & Diatribes           Hozier - Nina Cried Power           Hrdza - Štefan Stephen Штефан           I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME           I Follow           I Follow Rivers - Lykke Li           i kissed a girl katy perry s l o w e d           I Lied           I’m Fine (hazel english)           If You Were Here-Thompson Twins           In A Week (hozier)           It’s in the Way That You Use It (1999 Remaster)           ivy           Jackie and Wilson           Jake Bugg - Two Fingers           José González - Line of Fire           The Judge           Kid Cudi, Eminem - The Adventures Of Moon Man & Slim Shady           Kids (Don’t End Up Like Me)           Kings Of Leon - Closer           Kings Of Leon - The End           Kiwi           Knives, Guns & Bed           L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N.           La Foret           Laredo           Left Hand Free           Libraries           Little Slice (feat. Danny Skyhigh McClain)           Location           The Logical Song           long story short           The Lovin’ Spoonful - Summer in the City           Made in Heights - Hors d’oeuvre           Majical Cloudz - Downtown           Man’s World           Maneater           maneater ( slowed + bass )           Måneskin - I WANNA BE YOUR SLAVE           Maniac           Marijuana           MARINA - Karma           MARINA - Purge The Poison           Marinade           Message In A Bottle-The Police           The Moneyz           Montreal           The Mother We Share           Mr. Loverman (slowed with reverb)           My House           NENA 99 Red Balloons           New America           Nico And The Niners           No More Questions           Not Your Summer           Nothin’ on You (feat. Bruno Mars)           nowhere to run - stegosaurus rex (s l o w e dd o w n)           Number One           Off The Radar           Oh Wonder - Landslide           Oh Wonder - Technicolour Beat           Old Pine           One week           THE OUTER WORLDS...           Pale Blue Eyes           Peace To All Freaks- of Montreal           Peach Pit - Seventeen           PHARAOH - ДИКО, НАПРИМЕР           Pickup Truck           Poor George           Pumped Up Kicks Remix           Pyro           queen of broken hearts           Rapp Snitch Knishes (feat. Mr. Fantastik)           Real Smooth           The Revillos - Rev-Up           RING THE ALARM           Rip It Up Ready Teddy (Remastered 2010)           Rock Bottom           The Rolling Stones - Paint It, Black           Romans Revenge (slowed + reverb)           Rosanna           Roslyn           Run Through The Jungle           Running Wild-Palace           Sedona           Seven Nation Army (Glitch Mob Remix)           She Will Be Loved           Sia - To Be Human (ft. Labrinth)           Sign O’ The Times           Sober (gambino)           Solsbury Hill           Stabilo-Flawed Design             Steve Miller Band - Jet Airliner           Stolen Cars           STORMZY - VOSSI BOP           Stromae - Tous Les Mêmes (Clip Officiel)           Stuck on the puzzle           Technicolour Beat           Therefore I Am           Thrift Shop           Tiffany - I Think We’re Alone Now             Time To Win - Down With Webster           tis the damn season           Treat People With Kindness           Two Ghosts           Ulysses- Franz Ferdinand           The Valley of the Pagans ft. Beck (Episode Eight)           VAULT NUMBER 76 Fallout 76 Song           Ventura Highway           VIDEOCLUB - Amour Plastique           VIDEOCLUB En nuit           VIDEOCLUBRoi           Violent (slowed)           Virginia Beach           Waiting           WALLS           Wasteland, Baby!           Wellerman           West Coast           Whale- Yellow Ostrich           What Goes Around- Comes Around           Wheat Kings by Tragically Hip           WHOKILLEDXIX - Spy  My My I think we have a spy           willow           Wovoka           Yellow Ostrich - Mary (Alternate)           You Don’t Mess Around with Jim           You Get What You Give  1998

COLLECTION 5:

          3AM (matchbox 20)           The 1975 - Chocolate           The 1975 - Give Yourself A Try           Alphaville - Big In Japan           alt-J - Hunger Of The Pine             Apocalypse - Cigarettes After Sex           bbno$, y2k - lalala             Beastie Boys - Get It Together           Belter - Gerry Cinnamon             Big Data - Dangerous (Oliver Remix) euphoria OST           Big Pun - Twinz (Deep Cover 98) (Feat. Fat Joe)           Big Sean - Wolves ft. Post Malone             BIRTHDAY           Blue Foundation - Eyes On Fire             Bon Iver - Perth (Stripped)           Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy           Broken Bells - The High Road           Byjoelmichael - Be With You             California Dreamin’           candy - robbie williams (slowed)           Centerfold           Chase McBride - 1937             Chet Faker - Cigarettes and Chocolate           Chet Faker - Gold             Circus Britney Spears           Creedence Clearwater Revival - I Heard It Through The Grapevine           Daniel Powter - Bad Day             DARE           Don’t Be Nice           Doug E Fresh & Slick Rick-The Show           Ed Sheeran - Grade 8             Eminem - Berzerk           Eminem - No Apologies Dirty Version           Eminem - Tone Deaf           Eminem White America (Uncensored)           Eric B & Rakim - Follow The Leader           Eric B. Is President           Eve Of Destruction           Fall Into Place           Florence + the Machine - Shake It Out             Flower Face - Angela             Flume & Chet Faker - Drop the Game           Footsteps in the Dark, Pts. 1 & 2           From This Valley           Funnel Of Love - Wanda Jackson (ft. the Cramps)           Future Islands -A Dream Of You And Me           G-Eazy - Lady Killers ft. Hoodie Allen           G-Eazy - The Outsider           G-Eazy Achievement           George Ezra - Green Green Grass           Give Yourself A Try           Good Day Sunshine (Remastered 2009)           Gorillaz - Clint Eastwood             Gorillaz - Feel Good Inc           Got To Get You Into My Life (Remastered 2009)           grandson- Apologize           Gregory D and Mannie Fresh - Buck Jump Time           Harry Styles - As It Was           The Head And The Heart - Down In The Valley           Homeless           Homeliss Derilex - Daily Operations           Human of the Year           Hurricane (Johnnie’s Theme)           Hypnotize (2007 Remaster)           I Feel Alive           I Heard It Through The Grapevine           I Saw You Close Your Eyes           I Still Haven’t Found What ‘m Looking For           IDGAF Watsky             Iggy Azalea - Posh Spice (Visualizer)           Insane in the Brain           Intergalactic (Remastered 2009)           Istanbul (not Constantinople)           Iyaz - Replay           Jai Paul - BTSTU           James Hersey - Coming Over (Filous Remix)           Jay-z 99 problems           Johnny Jump Up - Gaelic Storm           Juice WRLD - Conversations             Kavinsky - Nightcall (Drive Original Movie Soundtrack)             Kid Cudi - Tequila Shots           Kid Francescoli -Moon           Kids In America [2020 Remaster]           Kings Of Convenience - Misread           Kings of Leon - Pickup Truck           Kings of Leon - Use Somebody           Lennon Stella -  Thank You (Dido Cover)             Lilly Wood & The Prick and Robin Schulz - Prayer In C (Robin Schulz Remix)           Little Simz - Point And Kill feat. Obongjayar             Little Slice (feat. Danny Skyhigh McClain)           Lord Huron - Meet Me In The Woods           Lord Huron - The World Ender             Lord Huron - We Went Wild             Love Letters           The Lumineers - A.M. Radio             The Lumineers - BRIGHTSIDE             Lupe Fiasco- Hip Hop Saved My Life           M83 - Go! feat Mai Lan           M83 Steve McQueen           Made In Heights - Drexler           Made In Heights - Viices           Maren Morris - My Church             MARINA - New America             MARINA - To Be Human             Marshall Mathers           Medicine (daughter)           Mild Orange - Some Feeling           Milky Chance - Love Again             Milky Chance - Tainted Love             The Moth (Les Deux Love Orchestra Cover) -  Aimee Mann [Mr. Robot S02E12]           Mother Mother - Hayloft I             N.W.A - Straight Outta Compton           Nas - It Ain’t Hard to Tell             NEVER REALLY MINE           New Motion - She Said           O Children - Nick Cave & The Bad See           Of Monsters and Men - Phantom           Of Monsters and Men - Visitor             The Oh Hellos - Soldier, Poet, King           Oh Wonder - Twenty Fourteen           OMC - How Bizzare           Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark - Electricity           Outkast - Two Dope Boyz (In a Cadillac)           Palace - Friends Forever             Peace Prevail           Peach Pit - Vickie           The Pernice Brothers - Judy           Pham - Golden State[feat. Ben Zaidi]           Pham - Movements (feat. Yung Fusion)           PHARAOH - ДИКО, НАПРИМЕР           The Pharcyde - Runnin           Pink Lemonade           Promise           Rainbow Kitten Surprise - Hide           Rainbow Kitten Surprise - Matchbox           Rainbow Kitten Surprise - Mission to Mars           Rare Americans - Black Sheep (Offici 1           Rare Americans - F_K U Pal           Rare Americans - Pandora’;s Box           Rare Americans - PHD           Rare Americans - Rhythm Kitchen (ft. D Smoke)           REMINGTON           REPRISE           Rocket 88 (Original Version) - Ike Turner Jackie Brenston           The Rolling Stones - (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction           RUN DMC, Jason Nevins - It’s Like That           Running Up That Hill           Safe & Sound feat. The Civil Wars           Said The Whale Gambier Island Green           SAINT MOTEL -Move           Saint Valentine           Santigold - Disparate Youth             serial killer - lana del ray (slowed + reverb)           She Wants Me Dead           Sigrid - It Gets Dark           Slaine - 99 Bottles           Snail Mail -Ben Franklin             Snak The Ripper - Eight Hours A Day (High Quality)           Snak The Ripper - Eight Hours A Day             Snak The Ripper - Forgotten             Snak The Ripper - Trust the Process             Snak The Ripper - Yup             Son Of A Preacher Man           Special Ed - I Got It Made             Square Dance           Stick to Your Guns (feat. Julia Nunes)           Stornoway - Zorbing           Strawberries & Cigarettes           Stromae - carmen           Stromae - Fils de joie             Stromae - L’enfer             Stromae - Santé  The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon           Sublime- April 29, 1992           Sunflower- Post Malone           Supertramp - Breakfast in America (Written & Composed by Roger Hodgson)           Surf Curse - Freaks           Tamino - The First Disciple           Taylor Swift – mirrorball           Taylor Swift – peace           These Boots Are Made for Walkin’           This House is a Circus           Tongue Tied           The Tragically Hip - New Orleans Is Sinking (.)           Triggaman (The Showboys)           Ultrasound- Johnny Massacre           Unwell           Wake Owl - Gold           Wallows - Are You Bored Yet (feat. Clairo)           The War On Drugs Red Eyes               Warren G - Regulate   ft. Nate Dogg           Watsky- Bet Against Me [All You Can Do]           Wet Leg - Wet Dream             Where’d All the Time Go?           Wiz Khalifa - So High ft. Ghost Loft           Wonderful Life           World Renown - Come Take A Ride 1994           The xx - Crystalised             The xx - Islands           Young Magic You With Air           Younger Hunger - Dead Inside             The Youth           Youth           Zen- K Flay

COLLECTION 6:

         The Black Keys - Gotta Get Away          Bon Iver - 00000 Million          Bon Iver - Beth/Rest          Bon Iver - Blood Bank          Bon Iver - Flume          Bon Iver - Skinny Love          Bon Iver- Wash          Cage The Elephant - Trouble          CHELJI - 23          David Kushner - Miserable Man            David Kushner - Mr. Forgettable          Dennis Lloyd - NEVERMIND          For Emma          The Glorious Sons - A War On Everything            The Glorious Sons - Come Down            Gorillaz - Cracker Island ft. Thundercat            Gorillaz - Tomorrow Comes Today            Harry Belafonte- Day-O          I Sat by the Ocean          Lil Wayne - Mirror (feat. Bruno Mars)          Madness - Our House          Mungo Jerry - In The Summertime ORIGINAL 1970          My Chemical Romance -Sing          REO Speedwagon - Take It On the Run          Sarah Osborne Fire Moon          The Suburbs - Arcade Fire          T.I - Dead And Gone Ft. Justin Timberlake          THREE DOG NIGHT One  (1969)          Towers - Bon Iver          Vance Joy - Saturday Sun            Young the Giant - My Body

It wasn't real

Pairing: Bucky x reader

Posted: 04/30/2021

Word count: 2.5k

Warnings: None? Maybe a lil angst just a lel bet.

A/N: I think it might be good? Idk You let me know. But like frfr, don't just give me feedback in your mind, put it into words. Also I apparently have a thing for Bucky in a dotted apron soooo yeah.

FYI: time zone/era is open for interpretation. Bucky never became an avenger/soldat and steve isn't part of this one.

The wind that blew around you was warm and sweet with the scent of freshly bloomed flowers. Perhaps it was an act of kindness from some God trying to distract you from the cold bitterness settling into your bones. Closing your eyes you conjure the very memory that left you so desolate.

The sun snuck it's way through the curtains to illuminate the room, effectively disturbing the sleep that you always seemed to be craving. Waking up is always hassle but whenever you remember that you get to spend your day with the only person who tolerates you and you him, getting out of bed is the easiest thing. Bucky is crazy and the damn boy is never in one spot for to long and he always has something to say, but you can't imagine how boring your days would be if you guys had never met. well technically if your parents had never met.

When you were a child you parents had to move to new york for business and they decided that Brooklyn was the place to be. You had been Bucky's neighbor and the first day you guys moved in his mom had dragged him over with the most delicious angel food cake that he so proudly claimed to have made mostly on his own. He just loved cooking and baking since forever, he would tell you that he just liked experimenting with foods but you knew the truth was that the boy liked to eat and didn't have the patience to wait for his mother to come home.

Only a few years after your family had moved to Brooklyn you and Bucky had already built an unbreakable bond. You guys had found a beautiful cherry tree one day when playing tag and had deemed it to be your's and Bucky's spot. Whenever you had a bad day or needed time away from the world you guys would go to the tree and just pick cherries, in the winter time you and Bucky would lay under the tree and kick the trunk so that the snow would fall from the leaves. It was the place where at only 15 years old bucky swore he would open his own Bakery and to quote him "I'm serving my ma's food my way doll, It's gonna be the next best thing to hit New York."

You were laying on the ground with your hands crossed behind your head looking up at Bucky swinging upside down from a branch when he told you all this. You felt something you had never felt before at that moment, looking up at the wild haired boy who loved to eat, loved his family, and had the most ambition you had ever heard from kids your age. Your heart felt full and your cheeks grew warm as you looked up at the same blue eyes you had know for years now, only this time you notice the way they twinkle in the sunlight and how rosy his lips are. Now 7 years laters you and Bucky were preparing to open the very bakery he promised you he'd open. Banners were beautifully strung along the walls and cute retro china was set out, ready to be filled for opening day. There was no hesitation from you when Bucky had asked you to run the bakery with him, you were excited to spend your days with the person you hoped you would spend the rest of your life with.

At around 6:30 in the morning you had arrived at the bakery but it seemed that Bucky had beat you to it. The smell of fresh angel food cake and cocoa danced up your nose as soon as you opened the door. Closing your eyes you smiled at the memories that it brought back. Moving to the back you grabbed your Disney themed apron and placed your bag and coat in its place before scurrying over to the kitchen while trying (and failing) to tie your apron. There in all his dorkiness was Bucky wiggling around to the chordettes. He knew that you loved the 50's aesthetic so he found a way to incorporate it without going overboard, by adding little trinkets, a jukebox, and even those cute little dining tables. In fact at the moment he was wearing a ruffly red polka dotted apron as he frosted some cupcakes.

Apron tied, you were finally ready to get to work. You walked up to Bucky bumping his hip as you reached for some cupcake pans, "Whatcha doin here so early Buck, we don't open until 12" he looks at you with squinted eyes, "The hell are you doing here so early." "Woah,woah,woah completely unprovoked. I'm just saying cuz' you were the one complaining about the opening time being set at 8. Like damn." Breathing out a huff of air he wipes his forehead with a towel "I'm sorry doll, I'm just super nervous and I couldn't sleep so I came to start baking things. I already frosted the ice cream cakes and I just finished the pies, but I was thinking that maybe we needed some cupcakes too, even though we already baked so many pastries and stuff last night I'm worried it won't be enough."

Setting down the trays you move to hug Bucky from behind holding him close to you. "Buck I know we'll do great your food is too good to pass up on especially when it's free." You place a soft kiss to his shoulder " I promise you'll do great, everything you do is amazing you try your hardest at everything Buck, You've worked your butt off and made mine considerably larger to get here, don't start losing your mind on me now." A cute little laugh from Bucky lets you know that he's hearing you and he isn't so stressed anymore. "I just want this to be perfect ya know?" with your head still against his back you nod, "I just want it to be a special day for my special girl."

You couldn't stop the slight blush that rose to your cheeks or the way that your heart suddenly started beating three times faster. You had also wanted to make him something special which is why you had got here so early. Finally releasing your hold on Bucky you straighten your apron out before gathering everything you need for some red velvet cupcakes. Bucky loved your red velvet cake so you loved making it for him. After hours of mixing, baking, and frosting had passed, you guys were rewarded with a bakery that looked as great as it smelled. "Alright doll, I'm heading out, I gotta go get ready. Meet you back here at 12 , Love ya." He didn't even give you a chance to answer as he ran right out the door. "Love you too."

You had stayed behind just a little while longer as you perfected your secret project. Carefully you added snowflakes to some of the cupcakes because you knew how much he loved snow even if he hated winter, some cats, flowers that reminded you of bucky, and one extra special cupcake. When you finish you decide to clean up a bit more and prepare some drinks for later before heading home to get ready. As soon as you got home you took a shower and did the simplest of make up with a light pink lip. You had decided to wear a dress to match the blossoming flowers that spring had brought. Pink with a yellow lace trim and flowers embroided all over the dress, matching it with some yellow flats.

You had decided that it was a perfect day for a walk so you grabbed a light scarf and slung it over your shoulders, grabbed Bucky's cupcakes, and headed over to the bakery. You felt as if a Hundred pounds had been lifted from your shoulders knowing that Bucky had felt the same way about you. You had decided that you would tell him today with your special cupcakes. As you rounded the corner you felt giddy and you couldn't wipe the smile from your face no matter how hard you tried. As you reached the bakery you saw that a majority of the people had already arrived and you knew that it would put Bucky at ease to see all the people enjoying his food. You stopped at the window, closing your eyes to take a deep breath to prepare yourself to join the celebration.

Opening your eyes you reached for the handle only to stop at the sight on the other side of the door. Bucky stood there arms wrapped around a woman eyes locked on hers as he leaned in for a kiss. It must have all happened in about 30 seconds but it felt as if time himself had slowed it down for you to watch the way he tilted her head and ran his tongue along her bottom lip before finally uniting their lips. Your heart dropped as quickly as your smile did and suddenly you felt so stupid for thinking this could be real. You willed yourself not to cry as you allowed your legs to carry you anywhere but there.

That's how you found yourself sitting underneath a blossoming cherry tree. A tree that held only happy memories because it wasn't a place you could be sad... back then. With your back against the tree and box of cupcakes full of unrequited love in your lap you realize how much you over romanticized Bucky. Opening the box you decide it would be a shame to let them go to waste. The first one you grab has a big red heart frosted in the middle, you let out a deep sigh before breaking the cupcake right down the middle. You shove half of the cupcake into your mouth and only then do you allow the tears to fall. You sat there for hours crying eating cupcakes, watching the sunset, and thinking about everything that Bucky did for you, as a friend. You realize you had no right to be angry at Bucky, after all you never told him how you felt you just assumed that he would feel the same way after so many years. With every broken memory another cupcake vanished.

He was always there for you, when no one wanted to come to your slumber party Bucky did and he even did all the girly things with you. Painting your nails, doing your hair, watching chick flicks, and pillow fights. once he even asserted that no one could protect you as well as he could, when you had decided to go camping with your friend from class so he insisted on taking you himself. Your friend was most noticeably gay so you had assumed he wanted to spend time alone with you. But now that you think back on those memories these are things that anyone would do for their bestfriend. And that's what you realized 8 hours and 11 cupcakes later.

The moon floated above you and as it's white rays settled upon the lake you decided it might be time to go home now. You get up and dust your dress off before leaning down to grab the mostly empty box. Turning around you are stopped again by what's in front of you. Bucky stands there brows furrowed as his eyes flash from you to the box in your hands. "Where the hell have you been, I've been calling you all day." swallowing the lump in your throat you go to answer but are interrupted. " everyone's been asking me about you all night and I had no damn idea what to tell them, but apparently you were just out here being inconsiderate. You go and tell me I can do great tonight, that you'd be there for me, but you weren't." You try to answer him but are again interrupted. "You could have told me something earlier instead of leaving me there like a dumb-" "SHUT UP!" this time it was your turn to interrupt him.

Taking a deep breath you look into his eyes before explaining. "Of course I was ready to be there today, you think I wore this dress to sit under a damn tree? Well I didn't. When I left my apartment I was ready and I was excited, so excited. I couldn't even stop smiling on my way over, but then I got to the shop and I saw-" Immediately you stopped as you realized what you were about to say. He cocked an eyebrow and shook his head slightly as if to say 'Hello?' "You saw what? What did you see that would make you abandon ship just like that?" Shame flushed through your being and you could no longer keep eye contact. "Nothing, you know what, it doesn't even matter. I'm sorry I was being dramatic I should have been an adult and dealt with it on my own time. And I'm sorry I abandoned you all, but the night was about you anyways."

"The night was supposed to be about the both of us so it does matter if you saw something that made you want to leave. Just tell me doll, what did you see?" his voice is soft as he pleads with you. "I saw... well I saw you kissing that lady and I just wanted get away and ended up here okay!?" You said it all in a jumble hoping that he wouldn't be able to understand what you had said. But luck wasn't your friend so of course he did. "So seeing me kiss another person was so gross to you that you had to run away, what the hell? are you 13 again?" You hadn't admitted it outloud yet and it seemed that the dumbass in front of you was going to force it out of you.

Stepping around Bucky you pull your scarf tight around your body as you focus on not crying anymore until you get home. You distract yourself by thinking of all the love you saw in all the little things Bucky did for you. Dancing around the newly furnished bakery body against body as frank sinatra brought you heart to heart, watching rom-coms and ugly crying together, but by the time you get home you force yourself to face the ugly truth. The Love was always in your head. It wasn't real.

A new wave of tears blurred your vision as teardrops fell perfectly to the ground. "It's because I have feelings for you Bucky, and I now know you don't feel the same way." Sniffling you don't bother looking up because your heart is to broken for that right now. "I'm Just gonna need a little bit of time and I'll be back good as new like nothing even happened." Still unable to lift your gaze from the ground you decide to focus on the last cupcake left in the box. 'I Love You' is written in tiny light blue frosting letters. "I uhm, uhh." That brought your attention to Bucky, as embarrassment pulsed as strong as ever through your veins. " You don't have to say anything Buck, It's fine, I'll see you next week, on monday" you hand him the box as you go to pass him "I think you would have a better use for this than me I ate 11 others already so."

Divider credits: @firefly-graphics

Chapter 54

Emperor Wei WuXian And His Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Birthday

Prologue | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 Part 1 | Chapter 8 Part 2 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 Part 1 | Chapter 15 Part 2 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Chapter 18 | Chapter 19 | Chapter 20 | Chapter 21 | Chapter 22 Part 1 | Chapter 22 Part 2 | Chapter 23 | Chapter 24 | Chapter 25 | Chapter 26 | Chapter 27 | Chapter 28 | Chapter 29 | Chapter 30 | Chapter 31 | Chapter 32 | Chapter 33 | Chapter 34 | Chapter 35 | Chapter 36 | Chapter 37 | Chapter 38 | Chapter 39 | Chapter 40 | Chapter 41 | Chapter 42 | Chapter 43 | Chapter 44 | Chapter 45 | Chapter 46 | Chapter 47 | Chapter 48 & Chapter 49 | Chapter 50 | Chapter 51 | Chapter 52 | Chapter 53

It is past midday by the time the grand hall doors can be opened.

Wei Ying had intended to hold the meeting in the early morning, to spend the midday meal with A-Yuan, to perhaps have an evening alone with Lan Zhan. He had planned the day’s events with his old body in mind, counting on his old resilience and boundless energy. Instead, it had taken nearly two hours just to dress him, the majority of the work accomplished by A-Sang and shijie, while Wei Ying struggled with the simple task of remaining upright. It is astounding, how many mindless, day-to-day tasks, he had taken for granted in the past. Meaningless actions, such as putting on his own robes, securing his own belt, standing on a single foot to slide into his own shoes. Each one so straightforward and undemanding, each one suddenly transformed into an arduous undertaking, requiring many hands, frequent periods of rest, and more than one muttered curse by everyone involved in the process.

Running over the rooftops seems a distant dream. The act of walking, supported by both A-Sang and Lan Zhan, to the grand hall dais, settles a trembling ache into every one of his muscles. By the time he is seated on the throne, his robes adjusted, his sleeves pulled down to cover the splint on his wrist, he is tired enough to sleep the rest of the day away.

Patience has never been his strong suit, and the inability to force his body into obedience fills him with frustration that can find no outlet. Lan Zhan’s eyes settle on his broken wrist so often, that Wei Ying can practically hear the unspoken string of self-recriminations. In the wake of his earlier confession, A-Sang has been mostly silent and subdued. It is impossible to be angry with shijie, whose patience can rival the Immortal Mountain itself.

Jiang FengMian is admitted to the grand hall before any of the others, and Wei Ying, irritable and exhausted, snaps at the man without thinking. It does not lessen his discomfort, and the reproachful look he receives in response only sours his mood further.

At the root of this frustration, there is a fear he cannot voice. His body will recover. His current weakness will not last forever. But will he ever again belong to himself alone? Will he ever again be able to view his own anger as justified? Or will he be forced to forever question the root cause?

Any descendants that posses the affinity, Xue ChengMei had told A-Sang.

The words have replayed in Wei Ying’s mind countless times, invading every thought, tainting every past decision. He wonders if the boy knew the terror that his words would carve into Wei Ying’s bones. Is there another YanLing DaoRen waiting somewhere inside of Wei Ying? How deep does the affinity run? What will it take, to bring it out into the open?  

If these were questions that Wei Ying had never considered before, he would find Xue ChengMei’s revelations easier to bear. But they are not new; somewhere, in the murky depths of Wei Ying’s belief that he had never truly been suited to the throne, these questions have reared their ugly head each time his confidence had faltered. He had never executed a man without wondering if YanLing DaoRen would have done the same, without wondering if his mother would have offered a pardon instead. Now, even his simple frustrations are no longer just his own, forever tainted by the blood that he shares.

Can he ever again trust any decisions he makes? Can he ever again be certain that they came from a righteous place?

Fingers brush his hand, mindful of the injured wrist. Lan Zhan’s gaze is focused on the entry of the hall, on the task ahead. His face is cool and collected, any emotion that is concealed beneath the surface impossible to read. But his fingers are a gentle reassurance, a promise and a pledge, spoken in a language Wei Ying is finally beginning to understand.

The touch does not take away the anxiety, but it muffles it into something bearable, something Wei Ying can push down, back into the dark recesses from which it came. If he cannot trust himself, he can trust Lan Zhan. He can trust A-Sang and shijie, Jiang Cheng and Wen Qing.

“They may enter,” he says.

It is immediately obvious that there have been some slight changes in the hierarchy. The Jiang and the Nie are the first to be admitted, as they always have been, but the place traditionally taken by the Jin is now filled by Lan XiChen and a small number of Lan disciples. The Jin Sect is next, but instead of MeiShan Yu, the Fan Sect follows immediately behind, Fan XiaoHu striding proudly at her father’s shoulder, and making no effort to conceal her contempt for Jin GuangShan. This arrangement has, of course, pushed some sects further to the back. Wei Ying notices Sect Leader Yao’s disgruntled gaze measuring the new distance between himself and the dais.

Any arrangement that keeps the man further away from Wei Ying is a good one, regardless of the circumstances. He thinks, if only he had known that nearly dying would have such an unexpected benefit, he may have risked his life sooner.

It takes some time, as it always does, for all to settle in their respective places, for the shuffling of the feet to cease, for the murmurs to grow silent. On Wei Ying’s left, Lan Zhan had refused the pillow, opting to stand. On his right, A-Sang had settled in his usual place, his easy posture concealing nerves that are just as brittle as Wei Ying’s own. The weight of the dragon crown is pushing down on Wei Ying’s neck, a dull pain radiating through his shoulders. His ribs ache, resentful of his stiff posture. His wrist, a minor pain compared to some of the others, is beginning to throb with greater frequency. He does not know how long he will be capable of keeping his spine fixed in a straight line, how long before his weakness becomes apparent to men who have always known exactly where to look.  

He does not have the time for diplomacy. The thing he must do, which would have taken a great deal of finesse and caution in the past, must be done through crude and forceful tactics instead.

“There will be no war with the Wen,” he says, his words cutting through the murmurs.

Before any of the Sect Leaders can gather their thoughts to voice opposition, Wei Ying signals to Jiang Cheng.

A group of Jiang disciples carry forward an object wrapped in a red silk cloth, setting it down in front of the dais. Unwrapped, the parcel reveals a set of armor, the steel polished and shining, an intricate dragon with milky jade eyes depicted on the chest plate.

“This is the gift from Wen RuoHan,” Wei Ying says coldly, “The gift that was delivered by the Wen Sect disciples, and later replaced by a cursed object in time for the Gifting Ceremony.”

He does not mention the fact that the gift had come with a message, Wen RuoHan’s decisive hand easy to read in each ruthless stroke. Wei Ying had been right to assume that the man had been ready for war when the gift was sent. The note had offered the Emperor sincere congratulations on managing to reach the age of eighteen. It had also expressed a hope that this set of armor may actually make Wei Ying a worthy opponent in the upcoming war, as well as an offhanded assurance that, at the very least, the armor will guarantee a dignified appearance to his corpse.

The others, especially Lan Zhan, had been deeply offended on his behalf. Wei Ying, relieved to not be suiting up for battle, could muster up very little resentment. He had always found Wen RuoHan’s arrogance amusing, rather than disrespectful, but he is fairly certain that none of the others would understand his forbearance.

The note is currently tucked in his qiankun pouch, where it will remain, unread by both the General and the High Councilor.

“Your Majesty,” the High Councilor says, “Are you certain this is not some trick by Wen RuoHan?”

“The Royal Companion had inspected each gift the day before the Ceremony. Between the inspection and the Ceremony itself, the Wen Sect gift was replaced. Wen RuoHan may be untrustworthy, but the Royal Companion is beyond reproach.”

“I wonder why,” Jin GuangShan says carefully, “the Royal Companion did not set our minds at ease sooner? It certainly would have been a grave offense, to have attacked a blameless Sect due to a misunderstanding.”

“An attack?” Wei Ying says, his voice dangerously low, “How can there be an attack without a declaration of war? Who, other than the Divine Ruler, would dare declare war in His name? Surely, the Jin Sect Leader did not mean to use those words.”

“Certainly not, Your Majesty,” Jin GuangShan stutters, “Forgive me, I misspoke--”

“The Royal Companion,” Wei Ying interrupts, “has behaved in a manner befitting his position. Those who have overreached during my absence will find that my tolerance has limits. The Sect Leaders may prepare to extend their stay in the Immortal Mountain until these matters have been resolved to the Divine Ruler’s satisfaction.”

The silence that greets his words is thick and indignant.

Wei Ying believes he may have very little time left before his spine gives up on the tedious task of keeping him upright.

“You are dismissed,” he says.

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33-Epilogue

— I just wanna say thank you so much to everyone who followed along, your comments and suggestions along the way really helped to bring this story to life! It’s my longest fic to date, and to think it started as a one-shot for nalu day 2020 lol. YOU GUYS HELPED MAKE THIS HAPPEN! 🥳🥰🥰 ILY YOU ALL!💜💜💜💜

@mcornilliac special shout out for you help with the toughest part 😘

Even after all these years, riding on a train still brought a small flutter to Lucy’s stomach as she remembered the long ago evening when she’d met her husband. From an innocent meeting to a death defying experience, talk about a roller coaster ride. And yet, if she had to do it all over again, Lucy wouldn’t change a thing. Crazy sounding yes, for why would anyone not want to avoid what she’d gone through? Touka had truly pushed her sanity to the breaking point, but well, the therapist was right in the end and Lucy felt almost invincible now. All that pain, all the struggle she’d pushed through had made her the strong and resilient woman she was today. Happily married to Natsu with their fraternal twins Nashi and Ryuu. Mrs. Natsu Dragneel, Lucy smiled to herself, there was no way she’d change a thing.

Of course, it hadn’t been easy. After Natsu proposed and Lucy had accepted, there were still a lot of work to be done. But that measure of acceptance and affection did wonders. Any worries she’d had that he wouldn’t want a broken woman melted away and gave her the confidence to get better. With each passing therapy session, her strength grew, and by the time they graduated college, Lucy could honestly say she’d been cured to a functional degree. No longer struggling through nightmares and panic attacks, her anxieties were under control and the debilitating depression a distant memory where it belonged.

Yeah... Lucy sighed happily as she watched the landscape pass by from her train seat. Meeting Natsu was the best thing to ever happen in her life, well, aside from the kids. They’d married about a year after graduation on the anniversary of their meeting. It was a beautiful affair at an indoor venue, with close friends and family to join them. They’d gone a more modern route for the ceremony but did take pictures at a garden dressed in the traditional attire for sentimental reasons. Lucy wore the shiromuku white kimono while Natsu a montsuki haori hakama. And no, it wasn’t train themed! Levy was the Maid of Honor and Gray was the best man. By then, Levy and Gajeel were also married and Gray in a serious relationship with a girl named Juvia Lockser. Lucy was so happy for them both. All of their lives were moving in the right direction.

Everything was perfect. Great jobs in their fields of interest, lives settled into a comfortable routine, when 5 years later Lucy was pregnant with fraternal twins. It was a total surprise since twins didn’t run in either of their families. Always the jovial optimist, Natsu joked that they’d been doubly blessed because of what they’d gone through, and Lucy couldn’t help but love such a concept. Of course, once the euphoria of the motherhood prospect waned, reality set in that she was having twins! Two! Double the babies meant double of everything, from the pregnancy concerns to raising them. Growing up without a mother and as an only child, Lucy didn’t have a lot of experience with small children. But Natsu patiently assured her, that she’d do just fine. Think of it as a new challenge, and after overcoming one pretty tough situation, this would be a walk in the park. On the bright side, Levy was also pregnant with the couple’s first child so the two best friend’s kids would grow up together.

And Natsu was right, there were a few bumps in the road but nothing too difficult. During her fourth month Lucy was diagnosed with gestational diabetes as well as some minor gastrointestinal issues, so Natsu swayed the doctor to put her on bed rest. Better safe than sorry. The babies were healthy, but by the 7th month, she really couldn’t move much, and she was miserable being stuck at home all the time. Lucy missed her job because she genuinely enjoyed working for the magazine. But in the end, it had been a good thing. She could manage her health easier that way and it gave her time to do something she’d thought about doing as part of the healing process. With Natsu’s support and permission, it was time to put her writing skills to good use and write a book about their experience.

It became an instant hit, especially with female readers. The book was not only an autobiographical reflection of what had happened to them but focused on shining a light on the dangers of stalkers, as well as the importance of taking the warning signs seriously. Lucy didn’t hold back in her re-telling, even pointing out the serious flaws in Japan’s laws in protecting citizens from stalkers which at the time were nonexistent. Feminist organizations working to change those laws used her story with permission for their cause. She had no intentions of becoming a poster child for the movement, but in the end her role may have played its part, because 2 years after the publishing, Japan finally adopted anti-stalking laws making it easier for police to string together harassment cases, as well as for victims to get the help they needed.

Her life was nothing but exciting to say the least! And with two young children, now age 10 certainly kept them on their toes. Their daughter Nashi was just like Natsu, very outgoing, friendly, but a bit of a daredevil while her brother Ryuu born 4 minutes after her was the quieter of the two. He preferred books like his mother to adventure. Of course, that never stopped Nashi from dragging him into shenanigans! But the best part was how close they still were and fiercely protective of each other. Lucy and Natsu couldn’t be prouder of them and hoped this would continue throughout their lifetimes.

Fifteen years... come to think of it, their wedding anniversary was coming up shortly. With Natsu now a senior fire inspector for the Tokyo prefectural government, he was often busy. Lucy did mind it, because frankly it gave her some peace and quiet. She chuckled at the thought. Not that it was all that peaceful with the twins. But she digressed. His success meant their lives were very comfortable, and her own journalism successes while not as financially based, were still celebrated in their relationship. Natsu never waned in being the dutiful and supportive, always loving husband that Lucy felt blessed to grow old with.

‘Two more stops, pick up the kids from school, stop at the grocery store for dinner...’ Lucy tapped out on her phone a to-do list of ingredients to pick up at the store. Perhaps katsudon... ‘Mmm, or maybe nabe,’ hot-pot soup since it was expected to be a bit chilly that evening.

Lucy looked up briefly, really just spacing out in thought when someone catches her eye. At the other end of the train car, she noticed a woman facing slightly away, but enough to where she couldn’t quite see a face. It couldn’t be... Lucy looked away not wanting to stare, but somehow... for some reason the woman was awfully familiar... looking exactly like Touka. Well, not exactly, but enough to make the hair on the back of her neck stand up. It was a blonde, with a different hair style— and that could always be changed. Similar body type, the facial side-profile features that Lucy could see resembled Touka...

Now despite being better, her anxieties still bubbled up from time to time, so she immediately switched to her coping techniques to calm them down. ‘You’re fine,’ Lucy talked herself through it, ‘no point in getting riled up.’ The woman hadn’t done so much as looked in her direction, so it must be okay. Contrary to popular belief, things like depression and anxiety never fully goes away, especially when someone has experienced a severe level of it. Those emotions and irrational thoughts are forever programmed into the brain, but there are ways to keep them at bay and Lucy’s successfully done just that for 15 years.

‘Just go back to what you were doing. Katsudon or nabe? And don’t forget you need to pick up milk...’ But, fifteen years... could Touka have been released by now? Lucy shook the thought away again. ‘Stop it! Everything is fine. It’s not her!’ The train was semi-full of passengers all minding their own business... including the woman. There was no reason to start panicking now. Lucy adjusts her position on her seat away from the woman’s direction. If she couldn’t see her, she could pretend she didn’t exist. ‘Maybe I should pick up ingredients for both, that way I don’t have to shop tomorrow.’ Lucy thought to herself, and with the kids with her, they could help in carrying the shopping bags. ‘Yeah, we’ve got a plan…’

After figuring out her shopping list, Lucy pulled up social media to keep herself distracted and for a few minutes it did the trick. Silly videos of entertainers never got old. The train reached the next stop and she felt it come to a stop. Since it wasn’t hers, she didn’t pay it any mind as she scrolled through her feed. But as the disembarking passengers funnel past Lucy, her eyes pick up on a pair of pink high-heels peeking from over the edge of her phone. Her body instantly stiffened up from the similarity to the ones worn by the woman, while her curiosity slowly got the better of her. ‘Breath, act nonchalant!’ Lucy’s eyes tracked the high-heels moving past her until they left her periphery. She then slowly sat back up, pretending to readjust her position, when she caught a pair of eyes looking back. Lucy’s breathing hitches with a shaky exhale. “Oh, my god—"

Standing at the doorway with one hand on the frame, the blonde woman smiled at Lucy then winked before stepping off the train.

It was Touka!

tragic star: keith moon

“If you don't like it, you can fuck off!” - last words of Keith Moon

This one was a long time coming, but frankly, it took me a while to get interested enough in the subject to actually do this analysis, let alone finish it. At any rate, Keith Moon, like most of the drummers from the rock ‘n’ roll period that we still read about today, led a self-destructive lifestyle. A close friend of his once said the drummer was “like a train ride you couldn’t stop.” Not only was his drumming chaotic – so was his life. According to some, he was at his core a kind and generous soul, but to others, he was lost, lonely soul, and terribly immature throughout his adult life. Perhaps it was the sudden success, upon joining the rock band The Who, when he was only 18 (although plenty of others of the same era were as young, or younger, and survived just fine), but Keith was so eager to please and make everyone laugh that he eventually became the “Moon the Loon” character that he was portrayed as in the media. It got to the point where he wasn't sure who he really was. A true Leo, he made a circus out of everything and he wouldn't walk into any room and just listen. He was an attention seeker and he had to have it. He used amphetamines, tranquilizers, drank way too much alcohol, destroyed hotel rooms and friends’ homes, threw TVs into swimming pools, set fires, and the list goes on. He was ultimately unable to outrun or outlast his demons; whether it was the wife and child he drove away, the friend and chauffeur he accidentally killed in early 1970...whatever else haunted him, it ultimately caught up with him just as he was finally trying to improve his life. Friends were well-acquainted with the many sides to Moon’s strange personality; one minute he was insulting, exaggerating, joking – the next minute he’s a wide-eyed, innocent-looking drummer boy. The public Keith Moon was The Who’s manic drummer and hellraising, daredevil comedian; a man who only ever lived in the moment. However, the real Keith Moon was a son, a brother, a father and a deeply insecure man. A man of extremes, his was a complete shitshow of a life.

Keith Moon, according to astrotheme, was a Leo sun and Cancer moon (the moon is speculative). Moon was born to working class parents in Wembley, London, England. He was a hyperactive child by nature and a mediocre student at school. His art teacher said in a report: "Retarded artistically. Idiotic in other respects". His music teacher wrote that Moon "has great ability, but must guard against a tendency to show off." At the age of 12, he had joined the Sea Cadet Corp and was given his first musical instrument, the bugle. He left school by 15 and was in his first band, The Beachcombers. While performing with the Beachcombers, he used to attend concerts of a band called The Detours. At that time The Detours were planning to sign a deal with Fontana Records and for this deal, this band required a new drummer. The Detours changed their name to The Who in 1964. When Moon learned about the band’s need for a new drummer, he approached them for an audition. After the audition, he became their new drummer, and performed with The Who for the first time in 1962.

From the moment he joined, musically the band was complete, although adding his already volatile personality to those of the other three equally headstrong members meant that the early years of the Who's career were fraught with drama and violence, despite their almost immediate success.  Much of the tension came from the fact that Keith readily joined in on popping pills with guitarist Pete Townshend and bassist John Entwistle, while lead singer Roger Daltrey (with whom Keith was never particularly close) didn't. After sacking Roger for two weeks in mid-1965, he was reinstated, band relations improved, and the Who continued to release a string of successful singles and albums before a downturn in their fortunes in 1968. However, the release of the album Tommy in 1969 turned them into international megastars overnight and from that moment until the day Keith died, they would remain one of the top rock bands in the world. Running concurrently with the Who's rise to stardom in the 1960s was Keith's relationship with his wife Kim. She first met Keith in 1965 when he was 19 and she 15, and while they fell in love rather quickly, he exhibited twin streaks of jealousy and insecurity and Moon was occasionally violent towards Kim. While his mental issues, which would now be readily (and correctly) diagnosed as a combination of ADHD and BPD, reared their ugly heads on innumerable occasions, Keith's true personality shone through enough that Kim stayed with him; she decided to marry him when she became pregnant within a year of dating, and they got married in 1966. Their daughter Amanda was born on 12 July. In those days, there was a belief that married rockstars with kids weren’t as appealing to their mostly female fans, and the marriage (and child) were kept secret from the press until May 1968. He loved his daughter, but his absences due to touring and fondness for practical jokes made their relationship uneasy when she was very young. "He had no idea how to be a father", Kim said. "He was too much of a child himself."

The chaotic sixties would not hold a candle to what the new decade had in store for him, however. Shortly after New Year’s in 1970, Moon accidentally killed his friend, driver and bodyguard, Neil Boland, outside the Red Lion pub in Hatfield, Hertfordshire. Pub patrons had begun to attack his Bentley; Moon, drunk, began driving to escape them. During the fracas, he hit Boland. After an investigation, the coroner ruled Boland's death an accident; Moon, having been charged with a number of offences, received an absolute discharge. Those close to Moon said that he was haunted by Boland's death for the rest of his life. Moon had nightmares about the incident and said he had no right to be alive. Also, compounding this tragedy, was the fragile state of Moon’s marriage. Even after marriage and his daughter being born, he was still jealous, self-centered, and abusive to his wife Kim, both verbally and physically. His mental state also deteriorated as his appetite for all manner of pills escalated and he exploded into a full-blown alcoholic. Even after separating for a year, Kim returned to him, hoping that he had finally changed, but the insane lifestyle Keith kept up at their house became too much. Kim and Amanda (nicknamed “Mandy”) finally left for good in 1973. Since his marriage was a central part of Keith's life, their divorce would come to affect him perhaps more than any other event in his adult life and it was a devastation Keith would never recover from. While most people would use an event like this as the impetus to clean up their act, Keith used it instead as an excuse to drive himself further into oblivion.

Moon's lifestyle began to undermine not only his health but his career. During the 1973 Quadrophenia tour, at the Who's debut US date, Moon ingested a mixture of tranquilizers and brandy. During the concert, Moon passed out on his drum kit during the song "Won't Get Fooled Again." The band stopped playing, and a group of roadies carried Moon offstage. After he was given a shower and an injection of cortisone, he was sent back onstage. Moon passed out again during "Magic Bus," and was again removed from the stage. The band continued without him for several songs before Pete Townshend asked, "Can anyone play the drums? – I mean somebody good?" A fan in the audience, who happened to be a drummer, came up and played the rest of the show. During the opening date of the band's March 1976 US tour at the Boston Garden, Moon passed out again over his drum kit after two numbers and the show was rescheduled. By the mid-1970s Keith was living in Los Angeles and getting up to even more insanity with John Lennon, Ringo Starr, Harry Nilsson, and other stars. Even a new love in his life, Swedish model Annette Walter-Lax, couldn't get him to slow down and take control. There were even stints in psychiatric wards after some mental breakdowns brought on by his despair at losing Kim and his daughter and his drinking. His alcohol and drug abuse was now not only affecting his health (he put on a significant amount of weight at this time due to infrequent gigging) but sadly, his drumming. In 1978 soon after he recorded Who Are You, his final album with The Who, depressed by the deterioration of his drumming and threats from the rest of the Who to clean up his act or else, that he finally decided to get some help.  By the summer of 1978, he seemed to be trying to get his life in order, staying sober and solidifying his relationship with Annette. He was terrified to go into rehab or under psychiatric evaluation, however, and instead self-medicated with Heminevrin, a drug used for treating acute withdrawal from alcohol. However, he took too many on his final night and sadly died on September 7, 1978 at the age of 32.

Over forty years after his death, it's still difficult to think of Keith Moon as anything more than just a hard-drinking insane rock star who would smash his drum set on stage or destroy a hotel room. But regardless of the human being behind the drumkit, the legendary drummer should be remembered as the man who forever changed the sound of rock 'n' roll.

Next, I’ll go back to my beloved star analyses by covering a personal favourite of mine; a force of nature and an unsung pioneer of cinema whose death was ridiculously sensationalized and whose colourful life was almost as wild as Moon’s: Cancer Lupe Vélez

Stats

birthdate: August 23, 1946*

*note*: due to the absence of a birth time, this analysis will be even more speculative.

major planets:

Sun: Leo

Moon: Cancer

Rising: unknown

Mercury: Leo

Venus: Libra

Mars: Libra

Midheaven: unknown

Jupiter: Libra

Saturn: Leo

Uranus: Gemini

Neptune: Libra

Pluto: Leo

Overall personality snapshot: He may sometimes have wanted a safe, simple life where he felt emotionally contained and able to pursue his own creative interests. Then, however, the compulsion to strive for a more central, leading role reared its challenging head, and he knew he had it in him – so out into the spotlight he went. So immense was his creative energy as well as his warm feeling for others that he could become both the artistic home-maker and the home-loving artist/writer/entrepreneur. His personality was large and welcoming, colourful and theatrical because he had such an uncanny knack of dramatizing his vivid impressions and selling himself in the most genuine, heartfelt way. Both the paternal and the maternal urge was strong in him. He needed to use his will to project and establish your identity in the world, and to use his instincts to nurture and protect his emotional and material security. The Sun and the Moon are in their ‘home’ signs here, so that potentially he had the creative vision of Apollo and the lunar wisdom of Diana all rolled into one. This could make him pretty overpowering at times, and indeed he needed a partner and a family on whom he could lavish his emotions. His bearing was often aristocratic, sometimes haughty, oversensitive and self-absorbed, but he always seemed to have enough affection to go around so that no one felt left out. He also managed to remain approachable and compassionate because he was so aware of his own vulnerability and need to be loved. Thus he made a warm and understanding friend, and he enjoyed expressing his feelings with original flair and thoughtfulness.

He was protective, possessive and clannish, a stalwart member of his family, group and nation, and utterly devoted to his ideals. Deeply honourable and dependable, he brought an attitude of devotion and romantic style to all he did. He may have actually had a good head for business because he possessed an instinctive knowledge of security needs as well as a shrewd understanding of people, their desires, fears and foibles. His refined taste for comfort and beauty was part of the impetus for success – he knew his own mind and did not easily budge from his preferences and high standards. Aesthetic sensitivity was strong, and combined with his innate tenacity and quiet ambition means that he was quite successful in the arts. Even though he readily turned a bright face to the world, he did not always feel confident and strong. He had a lively sense of individuality, but his potency was sometimes too dependent on emotional familiarity, and the range of his self-expression too circumscribed within repetitive emotional patterns. Inwardly he shied away from encounters with the big, bad world, and early in life he may have needed to find ways of handling challenges that normally push the panic button. This wouldn’t have been hard for him because his creative drive was tremendous and his individuality needed recognition.

He was ambitious, sound at giving orders, carried responsibility well and was a good teacher, especially able to bring out the best in children. He believed in herself and generally knew the right thing to say at the right time, although he could show a stubborn and dogmatic side. He had a high opinion of his mental powers, and it was certainly true to say that he had plenty of mental energy. He was quite sociable and expected other people to behave well at all times. He was eager for close personal relationships, so he tended to have a wide circle of friends. Self-indulgence was a problem for him, as was laziness and conceit in relationships. He tended to be impatient with superficial details, preferring large-scale situations, and he disliked being tied down by obligations over which he had little control. Conservatism may have affected his creativity, artistic values and love affairs. This expressed itself as self-imposed restrictions or as selfishness. He often felt inadequate, which created an insidious form of oppression over all his forms of expression. He could also take herself so seriously, that people think that he was older than his years.

He was part of a generation that was strongly interested in humanitarian ideals, new avenues of communication and progress in mechanical skills. As a member of this generation, he was able to bring original ideas to both his career and spare-time interests. Crises in thought and ideology arose because he looked beyond tradition and old attitudes towards new original and inventive ways of looking at things. His active mind tended to need constant stimulation and his tastes could be quite fickle and difficult to satisfy. He belonged to a time of peace-loving idealism when the family unit and the way relationships were managed underwent great changes. He could be too idealistic and a little unrealistic when it came to matters of love, sex and romance. As a member of this generation, he tended to need to be motivated to make the most of his potential, because the line of least resistance appeared very attractive, especially when it involved pleasure-seeking. He embodied the Libra Neptune generation in the sense that he was a huge part of a time when beauty reappeared in fashion. He was part of a generation which was highlighted by the clash between authoritarianism and individualism. As a member of the Leo Plutonian generation, he wanted freedom in his relationships and demanded the loyalty of his friends as a right. As a member of this generation, he wanted power over his own life and was prepared to challenge established structures. He didn’t feel comfortable being dictated to, unless he in some way agreed to it beforehand. He was a part of excesses of the sixties. He was part of a generation that brought about a revolution in forms of entertainment, recreational activities and leisure time, as well as attitudes towards children.

Love/sex life: He was a lover so in love with the idea of love that nothing else matters. At times his whole-hearted idealism made him too optimistic and too easily deceived by people who promised to fulfill his ideals and then renege but, as delicate and unworldly as his romantic fantasy may seem, it was remarkably durable. Though he may have been misused and hurt, he never lost his faith in the power of true love. Issues of the flesh were always secondary to him and he was apt not to give them much thought. If such urges must be satisfied, then so be it. If sex proved useful in reaching other goals, that was fine too. As long as sex did not intrude on his ideal of perfect love such physical inconveniences hardly mattered. Unfortunately, most of the rest of the world did not agree with him on this point and, measured by their standards, his sexual behaviour may have seemed immoral or at least strangely naïve. He needed to learn to allow for such harsh realities even as he strove to create that grand idyll of perfect love.

minor asteroids and points:

North Node: Gemini

Lilith: Capricorn

Juno: Libra

Chiron: Libra

Vesta: Aries

Ceres: Aquarius

Pallas: Sagittarius

His North Node in Gemini dictated that he needed to prevent his idealism from influencing his thoughts to such a high degree. He needed to consciously develop a more clear-minded and analytical approach involving his thought processes. His Lilith in Capricorn dictated that he was dangerously attracted to women who had a scrappy plucky attitude hot-wired into their psyche. Against his better judgment, he liked to be around a woman who needed to be in control and to be mistress of her own destiny, because her life was in the control of not-so-well-meaning others as a child. Juno in Libra, he sought a mate who was harmonious, artistic, musical and intelligent. He liked beauty and balance at home. He believed in equal partnerships where all lived up to the letter of the law. Chiron in Libra, he often felt wounded in relationships and could wound others in retaliation. He may have felt he was constantly hurt or rejected in relationships. Through learning that he was whole on his own, he could have freed himself from this destructive pattern. He would have benefited from a partner that could have helped him heal in some way. Vesta in Aries, he was incline to initiate work for religious and humanitarian projects. Action came from a desire to improve every situation. There was a great deal of insecurity in self-evaluation. Ceres in Aquarius, at his best, he had tact and the ability to compromise, making him well liked by all. Pallas in Sagittarius, he had the ability to evaluate true personal worth enabling him to use his resources in the most advantageous ways. Other people may think he was lucky. Ideally speaking, he could have been generally positive instead of being wasteful, and he could have been confident and reliable. Nonetheless, he still used his ideas in a practical way, especially in his career.

elemental dominance:

air

fire

He was communicative, quick and mentally agile, and he liked to stir things up. He was likely a havoc-seeker on some level. He was oriented more toward thinking than feeling. He carried information and the seeds of ideas. Out of balance, he lived in his head and could be insensitive to the feelings of others. But at his best, he helped others form connections in all spheres of their daily lives. He was dynamic and passionate, with strong leadership ability. He generated enormous warmth and vibrancy. He was exciting to be around, because he was genuinely enthusiastic and usually friendly. However, he could either be harnessed into helpful energy or flame up and cause destruction. Confident and opinionated, he was fond of declarative statements such as “I will do this” or “It’s this way.” When out of control—usually because he was bored, or hadn’t been acknowledged—he was bossy, demanding, and even tyrannical. But at his best, his confidence and vision inspired others to conquer new territory in the world, in society, and in themselves.

modality dominance:

cardinal

He was happiest when he was doing anything new, and he loved to begin new ventures. He enjoyed the challenge of claiming territory. He tended to be an initiator—and a bit territorial as well. Also, he had a tendency to start more things than she could possibly finish.

planet dominants:

Moon

Sun

Venus

He was defined by his inner world; by his emotional reactions to situations, how emotions flowed through him, motivating and compelling him—or limiting him and holding him back. He held great capacity to become a part of the whole rather than attempting to master the parts. He wanted to become whatever it was that he sought. He had vitality and creativity, as well as a strong ego and was authoritarian and powerful. He likely had strong leadership qualities, he definitely knew who he was, and he had tremendous will. He met challenges and believed in expanding his life. He was romantic, attractive and valued beauty, had an artistic instinct, and was sociable. He had an easy ability to create close personal relationships, for better or worse, and to form business partnerships.

sign dominants:

Leo

Libra

Cancer

He loved being the center of attention and often surrounded himself with admirers. He had an innate dramatic sense, and life was definitely his stage. His flamboyance and personal magnetism extended to every facet of his life. He wanted to succeed and make an impact in every situation. At his best, he was optimistic, honorable, loyal, and ambitious. He loved beauty in all its guises—art, literature, classical music, opera, mathematics, and the human body. He usually was a team player who enjoyed debate but not argument. He was, at his best, an excellent strategist and a master at the power of suggestion. Even though he was likely a courteous, amiable person, he was definitely not a pushover. He tried to use diplomacy and intelligence to get what he wanted. At first meeting, he seemed enigmatic, elusive. He needed roots, a place or even a state of mind that he could call his own. He needed a safe harbor, a refuge in which to retreat for solitude. He was generally gentle and kind, unless he was hurt. Then he could become vindictive and sharp-spoken. He was affectionate, passionate, and even possessive at times. He was intuitive and was perhaps even psychic. Experience flowed through him emotionally. He was often moody and always changeable; his interests and social circles shifted constantly. He was emotion distilled into its purest form.

Read more about him under the cut.

Keith John Moon was an English drummer who played with the English rock band the Who. He was noted for his unique style and his eccentric, often self-destructive behaviour. His drumming continues to be praised by critics and musicians. He was posthumously inducted into the Modern Drummer Hall of Fame in 1982, becoming only the second rock drummer to be chosen, and in 2011, Moon was voted the second-greatest drummer in history by a Rolling Stone readers' poll. Moon grew up in Alperton, a suburb of Wembley, in Middlesex, and took up the drums during the early 1960s. After playing with a local band, the Beachcombers, he joined the Who in 1964 before they recorded their first single. Moon remained with the band during their rise to fame, and was quickly recognised for his drumming style, which emphasised tom-toms, cymbal crashes, and drum fills.  He occasionally collaborated with other musicians and later appeared in films, but considered playing in the Who his primary occupation and remained a member of the band until his death. In addition to his talent as a drummer, however, Moon developed a reputation for smashing his kit on stage and destroying hotel rooms on tour. He was fascinated by blowing up toilets with cherry bombs or dynamite, and by destroying television sets. Moon enjoyed touring and socialising, and was bored and restless when the Who were inactive. His 21st birthday party in Flint, Michigan, has been cited as a notorious example of decadent behaviour by rock groups. Moon suffered a number of setbacks during the 1970s, most notably the accidental death of chauffeur Neil Boland and the breakdown of his marriage. He became addicted to alcohol, particularly brandy and champagne, and acquired a reputation for decadence and dark humour; his nickname was "Moon the Loon."  After moving to Los Angeles with personal assistant Peter "Dougal" Butler during the mid-1970s, Moon recorded his only solo album, the poorly received Two Sides of the Moon. While touring with the Who, on several occasions he passed out on stage and was hospitalised. By their final tour with him in 1976, and particularly during production of The Kids Are Alright and Who Are You, the drummer's deterioration was evident. Moon moved back to London in 1978, dying in September of that year from an overdose of Heminevrin, a drug intended to treat or prevent symptoms of alcohol withdrawal. (x)

A big, messy Linked Universe playlist

Link for Links

Heavy on the angst, because of who I am as a person. (At the same time, don’t take it too seriously, man.)

Influenced by canon, manga (TP Link is really Going Through It™ ), my personal perceptions, and popular fandom canon.

A pretty wide variety of genres, with a bias towards metal and prog rock.

I kept snippets of lyrics for most songs, also because of who I am as a person. (Some were particularly hard to narrow down to just one verse or chorus.) Those - and a little more rambling - are under the cut if you really want, in the order of the playlist. But. It’s long.

I didn’t initially make this with the intent to share, but hey. Throughout my past year+ of listening, I’ve been haphazardly adding songs to a playlist I very creatively named Links. If something reminded me of them, whether through the music or lyrics or both, I threw it on the playlist, so some songs might seem odd or vague. Some are really on the nose, as subtle as a sledgehammer. (Sky for Sky? Dude. Sorry.) Some are there because of a fitting line or two that stuck in my head. Ultimately, music - like any form of creative expression - can be interpreted in a multitude of ways. 

My listening habits and tastes are erratic, which is why this is one big, jumbled playlist and not separated for different Links. Not to mention if I did that, some (Wild, Legend) would have a lot and some (Wind, Four) would have none, both because of my own familiarity with them, and because of the general themes of the music I tend to listen to. Most songs are a general ‘hero’s spirit reborn’ mood, anyway - those are the first part of the playlist. The second half is more nuanced to specific Links, plus a few Ganon vibes.

1. Deep Purple - April (Koji Kondo, composer of the original Legend of Zelda theme, was into Deep Purple as a kid, and it shows.)

2. Kamelot - Regalis Apertura

3. Au4 - So Just Hang On, Beautiful One (I’ve posted this here before. I can’t hear it without thinking of LU now.) So I slipped in through the gate almost unknown. All my border stamps were late. Seven days old. Cold hand griped my shoulder blade, broke the bone. Bloody nose and turned away, all the way home.

4. FC Kahuna - Hayling Don’t think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here

5. Glass Animals - Youth Boy, when I left you you were young I was gone, but not my love You were clearly meant for more Than a life lost in the war

6. Pain of Salvation - Restless Boy A restless boy in a world too slow A flame born into cinder, ash, and glow I've given everything I gave it all Yet find myself alone

7. Haken - The Endless Knot Our design shifted frame by frame! Across the line our cycle starts to fail. Our design shifted frame by frame! Across the line we die to live again.   We need a story to believe in. We need a hero to prevail. We need a challenge we can overcome, it takes a tragedy to make us one 

8. Kamelot - Memento Mori (I particularly associate this with Time and Twilight) I am the god in my own history The master of the game I may believe if she would come to me And whisper out my name Sometimes I wonder where the wind has gone If life has ever been Sometimes I wonder how belief alone Can cut me free from sin

9. Katatonia - Fighters Look I told you so We never stop If we said that We'll back it up For sure You know We're fighters

10. Megadeth - This Day We Fight! (I mean, all Links, but particularly Warriors) For this I was chosen, because I fear nothing With confidence I tread through the dead of the night Off to another war-torn, faraway battlefield Wherein lies a demonic enemy horde

11. Moon Tooth - Igneous Well, the spirit took me And this old broken body leapt up and danced Settin’ out Settin' out with all my heroes in a bundle at my back Hawk am I More wings span in my shadow than overcast Yeah, you know what they say Always need something to look up to, ha

12. Samael - Moongate Destiny, tomorrow is today Destiny, without boundaries How many nights will we spend together traveling infinity back and forth and again How many times will we go together questioning eternity about us about our wonders...

13. TOOL- Parabola This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion

14. Lunatic Soul - Blood on the Tightrope No matter how hard you try To shut down your feverish thoughts They hunt you down with no regret Cause you have to fix it all

15. Hybrid - Keep It In The Family

16. Soul Savers - Unbalanced Pieces Gone, now carry on Through violent seasons I call you mother, mother, mother In vain, absent chain The twilight's bleeding And the playing board has two unbalanced pieces

17. Steve Von Till - Valley of the Moon All she gives is a stone facade Like ill-given flowers at a dead man's wake Here we slave for the dreams of another And fight over scraps like wayward dogs

18. Ludovico Einaudi - Experience

19. Lunatic Soul - Summoning Dance Three stones on the right side Three stones on the left My vicious circle of life and death   “Oh you want it” I hear it again “Oh you want it” My burden Curse to break

20. Lunatic Soul - Through Shaded Woods Run through your shaded woods Run through your shaded mind Run through the night Run away Run through the darkness Run

21. Lunatic Soul - Naavie

22. David Bowie - Nature Boy There was a boy A very strange, enchanted boy They say he wandered very far Very far, over land and sea A little shy and sad of eye But very wise was he

23. The Dandy Warhols - Sleep Well, I could sleep forever But it's of her I dream If I could sleep forever I could forget about everything 

24. Au4 - Everyone is Everyone (and Everything is Everything) Tripping and tumbling, Flipping and fumbling. Flowing on the rivers of sadness That have been forever rumbling.   But from dawn until now Of all the paths that I could have gone down Of all the valleys That I could have been flowing through.   In spite of all the chaos And all that has come between us, How is it I still find myself Here with you. 

25. Kingcrow - Everything Goes Your hands again upon the ground Falling rain for hours and hours As you learn the game Time dispels the fog ... Ever been there? Ever felt like prey? Ever thought your mind was feeble? Lot of things that don’t make sense

26. Pain of Salvation - Icon As a child I felt too old And now when I'm grown-up I feel too young A different kind so I've been told Just slightly out of reach and out of time

27. Sophia Loizou - Divine Interference (I got spooky dungeon vibes. Also, the title.)

28. Carpenter Brut - Fab Tool Runnin Gunnin Forward in the phantom shatter so grand Splatter grand, arcanum fuel Wrought iron out of the sky Over me, tells no lie

29. Blue Stahli - Death Will Have to Run All on the open road Where none will ever grow A journey toward the known With countless miles to go

30. Gyroscope - Mistakes & Ladders I am the first? No I can't be the first A continuous nothing, destined for something Tell me who you are and why you trapped me here

31. Queens of the Stone Age - Run, Pig, Run Run, pig, run Here I come

32. Chali 2na & Krafty Kuts - Guard The Fort The swords are drawn and odds are stacked And we clash the impact's a thunderous clap Calm demeanor Even though we are under attack [...my turn to guard the fort ready for combat]

33. The Great Discord - Army of Me (lol)

34. Kongos - Terrified I think I'll start again and change my name You only live once or twice, what a shame Somebody fucked up when designing this game

35. Woodkid - Run Boy Run Run, boy, run! This ride is a journey to Run, boy, run! The secret inside of you Run, boy, run! This race is a prophecy Run, boy, run! And disappear in the trees

36. The Beta Machine - The End A million miles away from you this time I'll do what it takes I'm on my way If lines are in the sand I'll go under If I can make it in time I will bring you back with me

37. Devin Townsend Project - Gump When we last met who was I? I'm sorry we no longer see eye to eye The energy to keep you in while keeping myself out I'm sorry how you'll take this  But I just don't have the patience anymore 

38. Arrested Youth - Riot! I can't get much satisfaction living in this cave It's tough to breathe, I'm in the belly of the beast Can't sleep with all my rage With me and all my generations living in this cage Pick up your guns and tell your sons, tonight we break the cage

39. Led Zeppelin - Friends So anytime somebody needs you Don't let them down, although it grieves you Some day you'll need someone like they do Looking for what you knew

40. Faunts - M4, pt 2 (Wild) Fight your foes you're not alone Holy war is on the phone Asking to please stay on hold Bleeding loss of blood runs cold And I need you to recover   Because I can't make it on my own

41. Faith No More - Ashes to Ashes (Wild) I want them to know it's me, it's on my head I'll point the finger at me, it's on my head Smiling with the mouth of the ocean And I'll wave to you with the arms of the mountain

42. Devin Townsend - Jupiter (Wild) I know you At least I think I do Everything's changed But in the days that are so dark It's wonderful

43. Katatonia - Neon Epitaph (Wild) Shadow of my shadow Cling not to my grief I am long left behind now You are free

44. The Smashing Pumpkins - The Beginning is the End is the Beginning (Wild) Time has stopped before us The sky cannot ignore us No one can separate us For we are all that is left The echo bounces off me The shadow lost beside me There's no more need to pretend Cause now I can begin again 

45. Katatonia - Lacquer (Wild) My voice travelling Soaring bird above your head The house we lived in Ridden with disease ... The levee breaking I can't live to fight once more The road to the grave is straight as an arrow I'm just staying around to sing your song, baby

46. Eskimo Joe - This is Pressure (Wild) There is no romance in suffocation  The walls fall down like your expectations You want to scream  And you want to shout But you've built up steam  And you can't let it out This is pressure 

47. Portugal. The Man - 1000 Years (Wild) We'll wait 1000 years  Until the end of time We'll wait 1000 more Dressed up in gold and white We'll climb the mountain sides  To find what's in the sky We'll dig through mountain sides  To find what's deep inside

48. Au4 - An Ocean’s Measure of Sorrow (Wild) Forgot my name and who I was. Memories of nothing floating up. All of the sorrow we once knew, Colours the ocean's water blue.

49. Band of Skulls - Carnivorous (Twilight) I am corrosive and cohesive Like a chemical bond I'm all together undone I am the broken kingdom I'm just so, so, so  So carnivorous

50. Glass Animals - Flip (Twilight) I wanna go back with a club and attack I wanna take to my guns and break you I gotta make my little foe take his own

51. TV on the Radio - Wolf Like Me (Twilight) My mind has changed my body's frame, but, God, I like it My heart's aflame, my body's strained, but, God, I like it

52. Kamelot - The Spell (Twilight) All my demons cast a spell The souls of dusk rising from the ashes So the book of shadows tell The weak will always obey the master

53. OSI - Radiologue (Legend) I was dreaming I was heading west thirty days faster Had a fever woke up in a sweat bailing out the water  Can't go on Can't go back   Heard your voice coming through the noise wrote it in the radio log Hurt my head, wondering what you said so I threw it overboard  

54. Katatonia - Don’t Tell A Soul (Legend) I have been destroyed by the perfection that is a lie see I'm moving soon see my feet are already on the road and if you know where I’m going don’t tell a soul

55. Haken - The Mind’s Eye (Legend) The shape of things to come are closer than they seem Changing your design every time you disappear I'm planning my escape through portals of your mind Where people seem to drop like flies

56. Pain of Salvation - Species (Legend) Sometimes I hate my fucking species Yet most days I'll do anything to please it  My generation was fooled to pursue our dreams But it is not what it seems You never need what you want And you rarely want what you need

57. Euringer - Do You Kiss Your Mama with That Mouth? (Legend) All my life, misunderstood I'm fuckin' too smart, too smart for my own good The last question, before I go is "Hey motherfucka, do you kiss your mama with that mouth?"  Yes! I kiss your mama with this mouth

58. !!! - Pardon My Freedom (Legend) Like I give a fuck, like I give a shit Like I give a fuck about that shit Like I give a fuck about that motherfucking shit

59. Team Sleep - Ataraxia (Legend) Froze asleep Coma deep I dream I'm out with you Alone at sea

60. Oliver Tank - Embrace (Legend) You're in my dreams The world is torn apart at the seams And I don't wanna leave Wearing my heart on it's sleeve

61. Machine Gun Fellatio - The Girl of My Dreams (Is Giving Me Nightmares) (Legend) The girl of my dreams is giving me nightmares I don't know what it means but she's got multi-coloured hair When she stands in the sand I dream of peaches And I'm not sure what that means either

62. Earl Greyhound - Shotgun (Legend & Hyrule) I am nobody, nobody is who I am I am a traveler on this land And nothing, nothing, nothing in my hands

63. TV on the Radio - Staring at the Sun (Hyrule) You're staring at the sun You're standing in the sea Your mouth is open wide You're trying hard to breathe The water's at your neck There's lightning in your teeth Your body's over me

64. Echo & The Bunnymen - The Killing Moon (Time) Fate Up against your will Through the thick and thin He will wait until You give yourself to him

65. Sufjan Stevens - Sugar (Sky) Don’t break my heart, don’t break my flow now And all this rage has got to go now Let’s take up this lifeline Come on, baby, gimme some sugar Don’t make me wait Don’t make me wait too long Don’t make me sing the sad song Come on, baby, gimme some sugar

66. Obsydians - Ascension (Sky) Rise above the hardships you’ll face I will sign and keep on rising As long as you are giving me your soul and keep me awake Feel like home and spread your light around I will listen and just be there As long as you are giving me your love I’ll give you my soul

67. Sonique - Sky -_-

68. Enter Shikari - The King (Ganon) Watch your back, my friend I'm about to kickstart a cycle Of never ending revenge And this time it's primal, it's tribal

69. Saul Williams - WTF! (Ganon, Hylia) "You've been polluted, uprooted by time You have been muted, computed but I'm A living vessel of the one, of the moon, of the sun" Hey! You ain't as dead as you seem, what the fuck? Hey! But you keep living your lies

70. These New Puritans - We Want War (Ganon/ Dark Link/ any nemesis I guess) Shadows dance back up, it's happening again If you listen carefully you might hear them whisper: "We hold all the secrets, we hold all the words; But they're scrambled and broken so you'll never know" Can't you see them Floating like black ash? Can't you feel them Crawling down your back?

Prompt: Victory!

Brian and Ellen AU / Tell Me About Your Family

Chapter 1 || Chapter 2 || Chapter 3 || Chapter 4 || Chapter 5 || Chapter 6 || Chapter 7 || Chapter 8 || Chapter 9 || Chapter 10 || Chapter 11 || Chapter 12|| Chapter 13 || Chapter 14 || Chapter 15 || Chapter 16 || Chapter 17

--

On the morning that changed her father’s life forever, Faith Janet Hildegard Fraser was three months shy of her seventh birthday.

She didn’t quite understand it all at the time, though she clearly remembered Uncle Rab and auld Ned Gowan - whose eyes always looked funny from behind his spectacles -  riding through the dooryard and narrowly missing the buckets of washing that Mama and Mistress Crook and Grannie and Auntie Jenny had set up in the dooryard.

She remembered Mama sending Fergus racing inside, and him returning moments later with Grandda and Uncle Ian and Da. 

She remembered how worried Da looked. And then how Da had let out a whoop of joy, twirling Mama around, when auld Ned had handed him a wee scrap of paper.

She also remembered how she’d stained the front of her dress later that day, mixing berries to help Mistress Crook bake a pie to celebrate Da’s freedom. How happy they had been that evening - and how she was allowed to stay up with the grown-ups as they sat around the fire. And the strong arms of her father, carrying her up to bed and kissing her goodnight before bringing the quilt up to her chin.

“Da?” she had asked him, sleepily.

“Aye?” he had whispered, mindful of Bree snoring on the other side of the bed.

“Does this mean we can go to Edinburgh now?”

He had ruffled her hair. “Aye. And Aberdeen and Glasgow and wherever yer heart desires, a leannan. We can talk more about it in the morning.”

---

“Is she all right?”

Jamie kissed the crown of Claire’s head as he settled back down next to her on the settee. “Aye. Tired out, puir thing. She wants so badly to grow up.”

Claire took his hand, squeezing. So full of joy.

Across the room, Brian poured Ned another dram. “So what will ye do now?”

Jamie pursed his lips. “I’m no’ leaving Lallybroch, if that’s what ye’re thinking. This is my home.”

Ellen let out a breath she didn’t realize she had been holding. “But surely ye want to at least go to the village, perhaps?”

“Aye - in good time. I’ve lived these past years wi’out it. Will be strange to see people who aren’t one of you.”

“I’ve the five certified copies in my satchel,” Ned repeated - unknowingly - for the third time that evening, his face cheerily flushed with mirth and whisky.

“Ye should have seen him.” Rab smiled at the wizened old man beside him, then clapped him heartily on the back. Ned choked a bit, but cleared his throat with even more whisky. “Arguing yer case in that room full of magistrates. He’s a force of nature.”

“My father did right when he brought you into his service,” Ellen remarked.

Ned blinked owlishly, hand gripping the side of the couch. “I realized long ago that I wouldn’t make my way in this world with my back or my arms - but rather with my brain.” He wiped his nose on his sleeve. “I’m afraid I won’t be of much use to you here, now that this mission is accomplished.”

“Nonsense.” Brian’s voice was slow and clear. “You’re welcome to stay with us until the end of your days. A man deserves to live out his auld age in peace. And ye’ve got many good years ahead of you yet.”

Ned sighed. “I cannot tell you how grateful I am, Brian. Ellen.”

“It’s us who are grateful,” Claire interjected quietly. “You’ve given so much to our family.”

“And the bairns love ye something fierce,” Jenny added, adjusting a sleeping Kitty against her shoulder. “Not to mention - with the way things are going wi’ the redcoats these days...we could use a good lawyer to keep things to right.”

Ned stood, then - legs wobbly - and placed his hand over his heart.

“Then I pledge my fealty to the Frasers of Lallybroch,” he proclaimed.

Then he gently collapsed back onto the couch, stone asleep.

“Do ye think he’ll remember that oath come morning?” Ian smiled.

“Oh, aye.” Ellen rose to fetch a blanket from the closet in the hallway. “My father didnae bring him on for nothing - and Ned didnae survive Colum and Dougal wi’out developing a few peculiar talents. He’ll remember, all right.”

Ned’s snores echoed off the walls of the room.

Jamie rose, Claire right beside him. “We’re lucky to have him.” He turned to face his family. “And I’m lucky to have you. All of you.”

Brian could only smile. “It’s us who are lucky to have you, Jamie. And to celebrate your freedom.”

For free Jamie was - his honor restored - and the world was open and bright and fresh with hope and possibility.

Reki and Langa’s dynamic

It’s speculation at my part and a shameless rant on what i like about sk8 just to get it off my chest I’ve been so fixated help

it’s 5am I’m at uni and i have a shit ton to do, am I really gonna make an essay about sk8 instead? yes abso-fucking-lutely. strap on to your metaphorical skateboards kids. this is going to be long ride

this isn’t to call out anyone lol so in case you get that impression I’m sorry. I understand everyone is out to interpret media in whatever they like and that’s fine, but sometimes i feel like either some missed some points of the story? anyway here are my thoughts tho

alright so what i absolutely love about sk8 is how they didn’t make anyone into a genius.Genius is a mockery of the hardships everyone does to attain that level of skills. And no Langa is not a genius or a prodigy which I will explain later. I’ve seen enough shounen animes back in the day and usually it’s ‘annoying heart of gold beginner vs. calm and collected genius’ they usually hate each other’s guts and bicker all the time though secretly, deep down care for each other but would rather die than admit it dynamic. While I’m glad we’re moving past that, I really thought Reki and Langa would be like that so....

imagine my surprise when Langa was the ‘beginner’ in skating. He has the potential to be a second sasuke here lol. (blue, handsome, cool) but no he isn’t. he’s an adorable idiot, an airhead, head empty only skating dude and i love it. 

Reki as well. He could have been the usual protagonist. (sucks at his sport, loud, hardworking, and by the power of friendship he suddenly beats everyone else which i think is pretty overused at this point, don’t you think?) some people complain how Reki despite being the MC isn’t given screentime and hasn’t won a single beef. (and sure that’s true. he should have won some and langa lose some but we only have 12 eps so lol) but he’s not the usual protagonist you know? and sk8 isn’t about winning. if it was, I think they would have focused on the techniques. the hows and the what to do.

Idk if you noticed, but sports anime with winning in its goal would often explain in detail certain techniques. (see haikyuu) but shows like Free and Yuri on Ice isn’t exactly talking about how to win that seriously as Haikyuu did. It’s more focusing on the feelings and how their lives are affected with their passion for this sport. it’s about the character development!!! and i think SK8 is something like that too. It explores the character’s feelings rather than sport. (like what i tell my sister, they use the sport as a character device if that makes sense?)

this was literally in the opening lol. it’s really about the feelings you know?

so anyway it’s been pointed out several times that Reki was already feeling insecure about his skills in skating since ep 1 way before Langa came. But he still likes to skate and despite feeling never enough, he still enjoyed it. (some also pointed out that Reki’s reason of going into a beef against Shadow has been because he insulted his way of skating not because he wanted to be the best) so the show from the get go was already hinting at his self esteem issues.

this also implies that Reki has always been feeling like this in a while, added with his tendencies to bottle things up, it makes sense that he’ll blow up at some point and he’ll need to release all of those feelings. (so yeah i think this is just the right amount of eps for their fall out. i see some people complaining shush. otherwise it would also feel too rushed. this is years weighing him)

and i guess it’s also implied in here he’s had days like these too in the past! seriously it’s an ongoing problem he’s been carrying. i think 3 eps is pretty good enough pace to internalize it

so point: Reki was already down way before Langa came. langa just added to that. And don’t go blaming Langa cause the boy did nothing wrong.

Consider that Langa just lost his dad (i think we need more backstory on this though. please sdsjkdksl i need little Langa and his dad interactions) he just moved countries, and the only connection to his dad (snowboarding) is gone cause it doesn’t snow in OKinawa

though one also argues that Langa hasn’t been snowboarding since his dad was gone.

so for Langa, Reki introducing skating to him was revolutionary. You’re someone grieving over the death of what is probably the most important person in your life, the thing you love the most no longer gives you joy (as was shown in the flashbacks and basically Langa going ‘it’s the same’) and you’re in a new country with a language you barely are fluent. you can’t even read or write, and you barely have friends granted you don’t have much back in the day. it’s horrible.

and then this guy you barely know talks to you, befriends you, helps you get a job, and teaches you something you thought you’ve lost and through that you made more friends??

yeah you see why Langa likes Reki. You also see why he’s obsessed with skating. It’s kind of like a coping, a fixation. plus he’s bad with social cues i guess? the interview says he’s likely to get dumped for being too inattentive lmao and that’s what makes him interesting!

also the thing that really surprised me when they first interacted was how supportive Reki is to Langa. it also got to me with how much Langa thinks highly of Reki. Again a deviation to the ‘i say i hate you but deep down i care for you’ trope. they’re full on supportive and protective. i like that. it’s fresh to me. I thought Reki was going to the tsundere ‘hmph that’s not a big deal’ route at the start of ep 2 but he’s really amazed. (kinda also says he’s been very desperate for someone to share skating with but that’s another topic)

so Reki teaches Langa how to skate. and Langa sucks. Which was interesting to me because I thought Langa would be some flawless prince-like character. But nah. He trips and faints at his own blood lol. He’s so uncool and i love it.

Some people say Langa is over powered with a thick ass plot armor which gets him to win (which is why i see people saying he should have won against Joe and I actually agree that Langa should lose some beefs but again only 12 eps, so little time)

but I still wanna talk about it anyway so it’s revealed Langa was snowboarding since 2. That’s 15 years. I think that should be around the same time Joe and Cherry should be skating. and i think if you start earlier as a kid, your body develops differently. (should Langa, “an amateur” win against Joe a pro? the question falls more on whether you can classify Langa as an amateur) i think it’s like Langa being very used to motorcycle tricks from age 2 then suddenly he’s using a regular bicycle, and sure the feeling is mostly the same but there’s just something off. Your body doesn’t easily forget what you know, especially if it did it for 15 years. and so Reki customizes a board for Langa so it’ll feel exactly like snowboarding

So Langa has a customized board that he needed to get used to before he went pro. He really sucked the first few eps lmao. but that’s more of him getting used to the new rules. he pretty much told Reki in ep 2 that he can’t do a skateboard ollie, but he can do a snowboard one bec it’s attached to his feet.

(i may just want to add that one thing i also like about sk8 is that it really doesn’t care what you need for accommodation? if that’s how you do it best, then go for it. When Langa says to Reki he can’t do the ollie without the board attached to his feet, Reki immediately goes his way to accommodate him. usually people in real life might say ‘it’s not real skateboarding if you need a modification etc. but look at Cherry with a freaking AI board and people are like yeah whatever do what you want man. whatever rolls your board.)

so anyway Langa vs. Joe with Langa winning despite being an amateur? if you can even call him an amateur that is. Plus all his tricks are snowboarding tricks lol. everything he’s done is testament to his 15 years of snowboarding?? We don’t even know how good Langa is in snowboarding. Someone make a post about how difficult the snowboarding equivalent of those tricks Langa has done just to show people it means he’s pretty pro (I’ll even argue maybe Langa’s real talent is his creative ways of going around things which kind of why Adam is highkey obsessed, and calls Cherry who calculates everything to the last second boring but that’s a different can of worms I’m opening later) plus Langa barely won against Joe so there’s not much difference in level i think. Should Langa have lost though?

I think some have missed the point of that beef in Reki’s pov. and if the Renga reconciliation is done well, it would be worth it.

that beef got Reki to realize he what he really wants! that it’ll kill him if he can’t skate anymore! that he doesn’t wanna only cheer on for others and be a support! THAT HE WANTS TO SKATE BY LANGA’S SIDE WHICH IS THE REASON FOR ALL THIS INSECURITIES if Langa lost, that cathartic realization might not have happened. He might have gone to Langa and cheered him up, brushed off his insecurities and, made up with Langa halfheartedly without addressing his problems

I’m going to go back to Reki’s insecurities. In ep 6 he’s been afraid of being left behind, and sure Langa came back for him but he still forgot until midway. (will that parallel how Langa got too excited with the idea of skating, the same feeling he thought he lost forever. The same thing that he thinks connects him with his dad, and might have left Reki behind, but later remembers and goes back to chase him? hopefully) in ep 4 it’s obvious he’s afraid of the near death experience Adam gave him, and he’s just realized how different their skills were. in ep 5 he worries about Langa, enough to get nightmares about it. mixed with his friend getting hurt. it’s obvious the feelings are very very muddled there.

So he begs Langa not to skate with Adam.

And what did Langa do? say that he wanted to skate with Adam. (again he’s not the most attentive. he probably thinks he’s just skating with his best friend, all is good then boom. Reki leaves. as a person shit with dealing with other people, i don’t blame him at all) he’s trying to fix it though, but his bond with Reki primarily revolves around skating! how else was he going to warm up with Reki? He also doesn’t know that Reki has self esteem issues that’s always been there since the beginning. He probably doesn’t understand it too because he holds Reki up highly. in ep 6 when Reki was going over his board, Langa thinks he’s pretty cool. he didn’t hear what other said to Reki. He’s earnestly having fun with his friend

We should also note that Reki was never angry at Langa’s skills, he wasn’t resentful that Langa was far ahead. Again he’s been nothing but supportive. He doesn’t want to pull Langa down. He wasn’t like Miya’s friends that lashed out at Miya for being better. in ep 7 he tries his best to follow Langa

it feels like he’s mostly regretful that he can’t catch up. he doesn’t want Langa to slow down, he wants to go faster and meet him where he was. So it makes the realization that all he wants to do was be in equal with Langa more frustrating because he thinks he can’t keep up. (and this only ever started when he heard he’s like Langa’s plus one. there’s that daunting feeling about being pulled around. not being his equal) 

if you need further proof, when Langa and Joe were having a beef, he wasn’t aggressively hoping Langa would lose. in fact he encouraged him. He worries deeply He calls him out when he was doing badly. Still very supportive as ever. So really the frustration isn’t to Langa, again, it’s all internal. He wants to be better

so he’s feeling shit and Langa goes to him in the middle of the rain, bless langa for trying, thinking talking about skating (what he thinks Reki loves and would probably cheer him up, not knowing that’s exactly his problem) tells him

which is probably the worst he could say.

THAT’S what got Reki mad, not really Reki being insecure though that’s part of it, that’s what they’re fighting about, Reki is angry he’s breaking his promise. He thinks Langa doesn’t care about Reki, that he’ll easily break a promise between them that Reki obviously cares about just so he can go skate with Adam who is way better than him. It blows to the self esteem. Reki probably also think that if only he was better, langa wouldn’t bother skating with someone that dangerous. it doesn’t help at all.

but langa doesn’t know this. he doesn’t see all this. Langa might have been too up the high of skating like in ep 6, he sorta left Reki behind again.

it kinda makes Langa’s mom’s words hit harder though

and he did just that. he got too engrossed.

It parallels adam, cherry and joe’s friendship then probably tadahsi’s too but who knows? reki and langa, and tadashi and adam might parallel too, the master and the student thingy Adam might have gotten too obsessed. So Joe trying his best to make sure Reki and Langa won’t end up like them hits a little harder in my chest ;’)

but Langa won’t be to engrossed i think

because unlike Adam who’s aggressively looking for his ‘equal’, Langa is just looking for someone who makes his heart beat, to make him feel like he’s skating with his dad again, someone he loves dearly. (there’s a parallel about loves here too between Adam’s and Langa’s. but I can’t write it now) and he probably already thinks Reki is his equal anyway. He just wants to have fun. he doesn’t think much about the skills.

maybe at first he does. that’s why he’s drawn to Adam but from ep 9, it was pretty much shown that skills really doesn’t matter from when he skated against Joe

if Adam easily discarded his friends because he think they’re boring (which was why the whole skateboard to the face thing with Cherry), langa doesn’t think like that

if anything Reki is important to Langa because he only has fun skating with Reki, who taught him how to skate and made his board. (his board that was customized to fit his style btw, and arguably the only reason he could skate that well. without it, he might as well be a beginner once again.) so without reki, langa is left with nothing. especially with his broken board

no fun in skating, no way of skating. He’s only manage to get this far because of Reki and he knows that now. All of it would be pointless if he doesn’t have Reki (and either he gets so obsessed in chasing that feeling again, or he stops completely) but in case you haven’t noticed it, Langa’s motivation revolves around having fun with skating no matter the skill or place. And he’s having most fun with Reki.

But Reki obviously doesn't know Langa’s feelings. He thinks Langa was forever looking for someone better. So he’s still caught up in the idea that Langa won’t want to skate with him (even though Langa has never shown this) and he left S entirely, thinking what he wants is impossible. fucking just talk you two motherfucker

(I also wanna point out that Reki has always been shown from episode one to be good at making boards. And that’s amazing? We need some support recognition and appreciation, seriously) I think maybe most who find problem with Reki not winning beefs like the usual shounen protags aren’t used to the nuance and perspective of being someone ‘ordinary’. Reki’s character is relatable because most of us feel ordinary, never enough, surrounded by geniuses, ‘inferior’. And if we’re being realistic since a lot are saying joe should have won because langa winning is unrealistic and you want realism so bad no I’m not salty at all there will always be someone better than you. ALWAYS. but what’s important is for you to have fun in what you love! in what makes you happy! AND even if you’re not good at one thing (in Reki’s part, skating) he’s also good at other things (making boards) so does he need to stop one for the other? no. He’s shown to enjoy skating with Langa, he doesn’t wanna stop it hurts him so much he quit. But he can also hone his skills in making boards as well as skate. He’s equal with Langa in a way he doesn’t even notice when he made that board for Langa, but even Reki’s presence alone makes Langa enjoy skating the way Reki also wants Langa by his side.

So I think the next ep is the best time to confront all these feelings. And how it happens might be what’s tricky. Like romantic or not, i personally can read it both ways though i prefer if they do become canon. (idk if it’s queerbaiting. i guess friends can care as deeply as that but ngl, these shounen bestfriends having deep connections that are written off as friends while also giving us bland af hetero love interests who did nothing but exist and be straight really is messing with my perception of romantic and platonic love irl) anyway their talk better be done really well, or else all those episodes of tension would be for nothing

It’s a nice perspective to give a shounen protagonist this time. It’s new, it’s fresh. How many incarnations of underdog turned the best at their craft can you take? variety is nice! and if you don’t like it, there are always a dozen other animes like that for you to turn to. to conclude, IT ALL GOES BACK TO THE START: WHAT IS YOUR HAPPINESS???! AND FOR THEM IT’S THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP BUT IN A VERY DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE. FRIENDSHIP DOESN’T  SUDDENLY GET YOU TO LEVEL 100000000000 TO DEFEAT THE FINAL BOSS. FRIENDSHIP IS WHAT MAKES DEFEATING THE FINAL BOSS WORTHWHILE

Anyway tldr; maybe the real Eve is the friends we made along the way :D  and idk if I’m making sense but obviously I’m head empty only sk8. Renga needs to talk, i can’t believe they have the audacity to make a recap episode as if i wasn’t head empty only sk8 since february, and if there’s more emotional edging to come, i will burn some of the palm trees outside my house