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#'you look busy! maybe i could just-'
markiafc · 6 months
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to fulfill my promises to @ananeiah and to expound on @seventh-fantasy's post, there are many conceptions of enlightenment. because buddhism is a massive and old religion with a very robust canon, enlightenment goes by many names, it's articulated and imagined in many different ways. let's play the game of how many of them are adopted by the show...
popular metaphors that embody enlightenment include a refuge, a flame going out, or a firm island - because this world is often described as an ocean. all human beings are floating in the 生死苦海 sea of rebirth and suffering. to escape it, one must make their way to the island or to get on a boat. mahayana buddhism (aka. chinese buddhism) is literally named 大乘 the great vehicle, the primary idea being that enlightenment = to board a vehicle of transport, it will take you away. however, buddhism doesn't just envision this as an ambiguous vehicle. 乘 the vehicle specifically refers to a 船 boat.
the mortal world and the cycle of suffering is a sea and the way out is enlightenment, envisioned as a boat.
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an extension of this is the concept of 彼岸 the faraway shore (alt tl: the further shore, the distant shore, the other shore, or at times the opposing shore). it draws on the same notion of 苦海 the ocean of suffering. to achieve enlightenment is to swim to shore, where there is finally safety and stability, free from suffering. this is why the euphemism for enlightenment is to 度到彼岸 reach the faraway shore.
此岸 this shore, is this ever-changing world full of agonies. you wade across the 苦海 sea of suffering, and reach 彼岸 the faraway shore. this is enlightenment.
as @seventh-fantasy depicts in this post, the final shot of ep 40, and as seen in the bonus ep 40.5, this is where llh is. ep 40 ends with the camera moving further into the distance, moving further into the sea. and the bonus ep 40.5 makes it clear again that lxy/llh has found his way to a different beach. llh has crossed the sea to another beach. he is on another shore, the 彼岸 faraway shore, far from 东海 the east sea where everyone else is.
let's look even closer at this.
enlightenment is also conceived as a place: 淨土 the pure lands, 极乐世界 the realm of greatest bliss, and so on. one of the geographical markers of this idea is 西 the west. this "land" accessible only to the enlightened (佛 buddhas, 菩萨 bodhisattvas, and 阿罗汉 arhats) is also dubbed 西方淨土 the western pure lands and 西天 the western heavens, etc.
enlightenment is imagined to be westwards. the opposite direction and away from 东海 dong hai = the east sea. where the story began and lxy famously plunged into; he fell into the 苦海 sea of suffering located in the 东 east. from this starting point, llh makes a meandering journey to his final location in the show. he makes his way 西 west, towards enlightenment, and reaches a 彼岸 faraway shore, the enlightened "after" and what is beyond.
now that we're on the topic of the pure lands, it's worth mentioning that this concept is furnished with a lot of descriptions in buddhist sutras. it is a beautiful, glorious land brimming with lotuses. because, of course, the lotus is yet another ubiquitous image that represents enlightenment.
the lotus position is crucial to the buddhist practice of prayer cultivation, especially in 禅宗 zen buddhism that is built around the central practice of prayer. lotuses are motifs in buddhist art, and buddhist myths (the legend goes that lotus flowers bloomed under the buddha's feet when he took his first steps as a child). people practicing buddhism are referred to as 莲友 lotus friends, 芬陀利花 the white lotus is a synonym for the buddha. lotuses are also integral to buddhist canon; the pure lands are detailed to have seven 宝莲池 treasure lotus ponds. every buddhist has their own lotus waiting for them in the pure lands; it is believed the more you cultivate, the more your bud in the pure lands grows/blooms.
of note, every living thing residing in the pure lands are made from lotuses. in fact, buddhist canon states that the enlightened are reborn inside a lotus bud, similar to an incubation. their new body is reconstituted from lotuses and they emerge anew when the bud blooms. crucially, it is also stated that every enlightened in the pure lands will have 莲花座 a lotus seat. this is a vehicle of transport, usually likened to the magic carpet from one thousand and one nights. it is described as 随心所欲、飞翔自在 something that acts after your heart's desire, something that flies free. the lotus seat is about boundless, freeing travel.
this isn't comprehensive at all, there are tons of other ways lotuses come up throughout buddhism. but the connection to the show is straightforward and self-explanatory. the primary motif in 莲花楼 mysterious lotus casebook is the lotus - a famous marker for buddhism itself. one of the dominant illustrations of enlightenment, the cultivation process to achieve it, and enlightened entities themselves.
the buddhist notions of rebirth are similarly heavily intertwined with the lotus. it is your body; you become it, it becomes you. from then on, you are surrounded by its image and its presence. you even have a lotus vehicle that becomes your main method of travel, a mode of travel defined by carefree contentment. sound familiar? llh's identity and his living carries major markers of enlightenment. it is one of the primary concerns of his character arc.
quick detour. a prominent moniker for enlightenment is the setting of the sun, as yet another epithet utilized by the drama.
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detour over. crazy connections time.
discussions of death and suicide is, to my knowledge, particularly prominent in japanese buddhism. but as a whole, a significant portion of buddhist canon and a good number of buddhist media deals with this too. dying as a means to get closer to enlightenment, equating death and enlightenment, the subject of suicide itself. characters seemingly pass away and become enlightened, or characters strive for death with this express purpose as death is connected to enlightenment. this is true. one does not necessarily cause the other, but the concepts are interconnected in buddhism. it comes hand in hand, dissecting one means dissecting the other and vice versa.
most buddhist texts and masters do not condone a direct correlation, suicide is not the way to enlightenment. there is no buddhist value to killing yourself. but the key exception lies in one of the most important buddhist texts: the lotus sutra.
"These include several themes dealing explicitly with death, such as how suicide was committed to speed up rebirth in the Pure Land based on the sanctioning of voluntary death as a superior form of sacrifice in Chapter 23 of the Lotus Sutra ..." [1]
the chapter 23 in question talks about a bodhisattva who turns himself into a human candle and burns himself up, in offering to the buddha. there is more to the story, but it mainly functions as a lesson about cultivation and enlightenment.
in the canon about buddhist suffering, there lies a subset dedicated to physical pain and torment. there is a heavy focus on our 5 senses, specifically (that's a whole separate topic i won't go into here). very briefly, to suffer is to experience the world through our 5 senses. to live as a human being is to suffer in a sensory way.
buddhism aspires to transcend this flesh and blood suffering. so annihilation of one's body is an essential step to achieve enlightenment. usually, this theory centers natural death and decay. you accept that you are always aging, your senses will lose their edge, your body is always subject to illness, injury and other failings. let the body waste away, it will do so regardless.
hence, the human body is set on a course of gradual deterioration. this suffering is processed through our 5 senses and is defined by them. in the face of this, the lotus sutra is the only notable buddhist text that looks kindly upon "voluntary death" to transcend it.
similarly, llh accepts the effects of bicha on his body. it mimics the natural decline of the human body, accelerating the degradation of his senses, his immune system, and his physical capabilities in general. his experience of this form of suffering is also emphasized through a period losing his sense of sight. it is a very buddhist torment. but at the end of the day, it is still a man-made, unnatural cause generating this effect. accepting this is not the same as accepting 生老病死 death via age, sickness and other natural processes.
llh embodies the sentiments and themes in the lotus sutra when he consciously chooses to let bicha run its course. he chooses to die, it is a "voluntary death". let this destroy his body. let this suicidal choice (though its more nuanced than simply suicide imo) free him from buddhist physical suffering. thus bringing him closer to peace, a version of himself that will be happier.
finally, enlightenment is about ambiguity.
凡人 the common people are incapable of comprehending enlightenment. it is understood that the human senses and the human mind is too inept and unrefined, too clouded by illusions, to grasp it. there are a million ways to express it, depict it, and name it. but there is a consensus across buddhism that these are simply aids for the common student of buddhism, and they are not accurate to the truth. at the core of enlightenment is an abstraction, an inherent unknowing.
it is, by definition, a departure and a continuation. it is a removal from this world and a transition into another place, another realm. all at once, the phenomenon straddles a greyness between an ending and a beginning. it is unclear whether the enlightened has left, or is it the common man who is so lacking he cannot recognize or even perceive the enlightened? in the theory of enlightenment, buddhism accounts for both factors. but we will never know for sure.
where do the enlightened go? where are they, where have they gone? these are questions buddhists often ask and explore, and it is also the question that the remaining cast engages with. what is enlightenment, exactly? there is a suspicion, some notion of what must have happened. it might be death, it might not be. only the enlightened can answer this, everyone else is left without clarity.
in the end, the seekers get close to the answer but there is no real fruition. and so the search lasts indefinitely.
that, too, is part and parcel to enlightenment.
as for how enlightenment narratives function, i leave you with this.
"Nirvana provides the full stop (period) in the religious story; it gives what one might call, to use Frank Kermode's well-known phrase, "the sense of an ending" - that is, a real ending and not a mere breaking off. Such an ending is only possible within a narrative.
[...]
Nirvana, I want to suggest, is a moment within a discursive or practical dynamic, a formal element of closure in structure of Buddhist imagination, texts, and rituals. One might say that nirvana has primarily a syntactic rather than semantic value: it is the moment of ending which gives structure to the whole. The fact of narrative structure and closure provides a meaningful and satisfying resolution, although in itself nirvana has merely the formal value of a closure marker.
[...]
Earlier I called nirvana the full stop (period) in the Buddhist religious story; now I can add that it is a full stop in an eternal story, a full stop which brings closure to individual lives in a master text which itself can have no final ending." [2]
Sources:
Tragedy and Salvation in the Floating World: Chikamatsu's Double Suicide Drama as Millenarian Discourse by Steven Heine ↩︎
Nirvāna, Time, and Narrative by Steven Collins ↩︎
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kingdom-creatin · 5 months
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the timeline
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If you've ever wondered just what the hell I was doing with the fics I was putting out and this timeline I kept talking about, this is what I meant lol
It's actually got quite a few more characters listed out to the right but for the sake of relevancy and size I just kept the first few columns.
The notes are either specific key events or (italicized) published fics. I started making this into an actual timeline sheet just a bit before I dropped out of the fandom entirely so I haven't been able to flesh it out as much as I like, but now that I feel like getting back into stuff I'm sure it will populate pretty quickly lol
Color meanings (majorly as relevant to Techno and his pov):
Maroon - Living in the Nether
Soft Green - Traveling with Phil
Yellow - Living in Hypixel
Blue - SMPE and the Antarctic Empire
Neon Green - DSMP
Red - If an MCM was held that year; If the character participated in an MCM that year
Black - Character is not yet born or is dead
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Listen, I love the LGBTQ+ community as much as any other queer person. But we have got to stop ostracizing people in our community to fit in with cishetallo people.
Some of y’all really do go ‘these are the acceptable boxes for queer people and their definitions, anyone outside of these is actually not queer and making us look bad’ and act like that’s ok. Now that being queer is generally acceptable in online/progressive areas (as long as you are one of the ‘well known’ orientations), a big part of the community has started regulating what’s ‘acceptable’ of a queer person and how we should fit into society.
I’ll see people hating on trans people who don’t fit into the ‘normal’ expectation of ‘Trans girl, Trans boy, or Non-binary’ or use Neo pronouns because that’s how they feel the most comfortable. I’ll see people hating on queer people who don’t like labels ( or try to assign people one even if they don’t want it). Or people who use a label in a way they don’t like (bi people who mostly date the opposite sex, lesbians who use pronouns other than just she/her, gender non-conforming people who don’t identify as trans, obscure micro-labels, etc.)
And it’s so frustrating because we as LGBTQ+ are supposed to be better!!! We are supposed to empathize with the feeling of not fitting in with regular society and help others like us! But the community has become part of the oppressive ‘societal standard’ for some people.
Some people just can’t be put into a perfect little label box and a lot of y’all aren’t cool about that. And I can’t believe I have to tell my fellow queers this, but there is nothing wrong with denying societal standards in order to live in the way that is genuine to you and makes you happy. End of story. If you disagree with that, look inward at your internal biases and try and fix that. Get rid of the cop in your brain telling you that you have to police others self-expression.
#look man I am just TIRED of having to pick from a bunch of different boxes to feel like I’m REALLY LGBTQ+#as far as I care I’m queer#and if that label changes as I grow?#good for me#That’s something y’all need to get cool with too#labels changing over time#I just don’t feel like most big labels really fit me and I don’t really want to use micro labels#not a micro-label hate post btw#love y’all and glad you’re happy- it’s just not for me#like you could probably find some obscure aspects label to describe me#but is that anyones business other than maybe my future partner if I get one?#I don’t OWE people an explanation to me and how I experience attraction#I’m also tired of seeing people shoved into being LGBTQ+ just for going beyond gender norms#like y’all will say ‘yeah I’m normal about feminine men’ but won’t believe that a feminine man is cishetallo#which in turn is why a lot of cishetallo men don’t feel comfortable being feminine#I have a lot of feelings about this#but anyway you don’t owe society anything and you shouldn’t have to change how you present yourself to make them happy#unless you are actively harming someone by being yourself then I don’t care and I support you#actively harming in a ‘purposefuly harming someone’ way -not in a ‘you make other queer people look bad by not conforming to the norm’ way#I love the queer community if you can’t tell tho#I just think we can do better#cw queer#I like the label and I use it#but I get why some of y’all might not#gay#LGBT#lgbtq#lgbtqia#lgbtq community#queer
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mattodore · 11 months
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vanishing without explanation for six days
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#river dipping#me editing my i am in eskew pic to say actually yea i was being mentally ill <3#i have an avoidant personality disorder likeeeeee jndgkfjh expect me to disappear semi-regularly honestly#but!!! :))) i've finally finished editing all of the photos from that smoking pose set i made for mattodore back in.....#[checks calendar] ..........march lmao#i'm actually getting the post together for it rn... there are eight photos in total here so...........#i have to stare at them for a really long time to check for mistakes#there's dialogue that goes along w/ the images too but i'm not sure if i want to include it#i probably won't..................... we'll see#but anyway hi hello... i've also avoided simblr entirely while i was gone so 🧍 i'm really behind... hope you're all well <3#i might be busy today so i probably won't be able to play catch up for a while but we'll see...#........aszdKSDJFNGKJD ALSO... i just realized looking at my last posts that i was like okay <3 vampire theo time <3 and then logged out#SAWRRY... i could just post the vampire photos raw but maybe i'll edit them like the smoking photos...#there are six photos from it... it's a sequence of events yk...#some blood drinking takes place <3#...want you all to know that when i make posts i type and then i open another tab then i come back then i open ps then i come back etc etc#so while i'm only just now posting this i actually just finished captioning and tagging the mattodore smoking post jdgkfnh#i just flit back and forth from one thing to another my brain is always going so fast like i HAVE to be doing multiple things Or Else#like those earlier tags are obsolete now but i'll keep them anyway
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jorvikzelda · 8 months
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GOD my heart aches every time I see the black Dartmoor
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volfoss · 8 months
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It's really funny comparing the sims 4 retail experience to the sims 2 retail experience because the sims 2 has it beat easily
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dirt-mccracken · 10 months
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I want to get dressed up all cute and gay but I also don't want to be seen like that irl right now. Evil<3
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hauntingblue · 2 months
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Sanji has adquired top sad wet cat status
#that cream guy just watching luffy tear his arms off ajdhakw#sanji had gone past his angst too quick.... picnic and everything damn...#i finally realized why his guard is offering him aubergines. he looks like an aubergine#but to me it is a metaphorical remainder of his bisexuality he is abandoning by marrying pudding (he is getting out of his polycule)#he wants the aubergine for later akdhkashsk see... he is already tempted by the familiarity#'pudding might be changing that's why she is busy.... oh didn't her room have a balcony' SICK IN THE HEAD#'oh is this inapropiate??' idk MAYBE 'it wont be a crime we will be married tomorrow' JAIL#THATS WHAT YOU GET FOR SNOOPING AKDHAKA#his face is so... that one meme drawing of the guy in a war....#i mean it is sad bc she was his only like light in the darkness but damn... hard lesson#oh luffy is cursing her out this is serious#well good thing aanji snooped...... is he gon a save his sister now or.... he wont fight pudding i am sure of that#sanji is gonna grab that gun and kill himself at this point pudding#jesus christ how long can this go on for.... you already killed him pudding stop hitting the dead horse#i believe reiju could kick her ass now that pudding is distracted but alas.... no girl om girl violence is allowed#sanji not being able to lit his cigarette is so..... this poor man... NOT THE SHOT OF HIM CRYING#omg perfect episode..... jesus christ.....#i uave to say.... i would have really liked for pudding to be normal and have sanji get away from a lover to go with the crew again...#its so bittersweet you know....... and shows his priorities#goddamn sanji crying in the rain trying to get a smoke...... this is like too much... peak poor little meow meow#wait a fucking moment... the intro song starts with my feelings for you are beating intensly.... this really is so gay....#gay sex on screen is less subtle#talking tag#watching one piece#episode 817#wtf pudding... if she didnt want reiju to die why tf did she shoot her....#sanji the flowers... she will know sanji..... sanji noooo#i get the soul thing but where do zeus and prometheus come from???? what kinda power is that...#JINBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE#episode 818
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danny-chase · 2 years
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dc has so much wasted potential it kills me
#sorry for the negativity it's just like. i just talked about kory#but also look at the storys they choose to tell with Joey Wilson#and Barbara Gordon#and Victor Stone#and how they just squander all of that for the sake of making everything into this manufactured version of normalcy in order to maximize#profits because the bible of capitalism says that generic-ness equals marketability#it's just so frustrating that they're never willing to take risks or explore anything more than such a narrow view of the world#think about the stories they could tell with Tara Markov if they weren't busy focusing on Slade Wilson#or the stories they could tell about Grace and Anissa#everything just feels so shallow at dc right now#they're so willing to discard characters of color while writing the same batman comic 17 times over at once#tom taylor throws in one poorly written line referencing Dick's Romani heritage and thinks he's a hero??? like really?? this is the bar???#why can't you get a romani creator to write him???#why can't you give Duke anything ongoing when there are how many batbooks running????#you really can't find any disabled woman willing to write Barbara Gordon as orcale? you really think fans prefer babsgirl to her?#idk if it's a problem with dc or the fandom or both and maybe i'm just out of touch because i only talk to specific people about comics#but if one of your writers is constantly critiqued and called out about abelism maybe you should actually do something instead of just#ignoring the issues...#idk i've been reading old comics with Mal Duncan and it just makes me ask: dc where is he?#and then i look at so many characters of color who just get discarded completely#like the fox family bea mal and karen and onyx and orpheus#the batfam post about black characters getting discarded so quickly makes me question if this happens in other fams as well at dc i just#have little experience with anyone outside the batfam and titans#like hello where's anita from young justice??? she just dropped off the face of the earth when teen titans 2003 changed the lineup#it's especially frustrating when the og creator cares about them and gives them personality and depth (or at least makes them interesting#or likeable or compelling because let's be real a lot of the og creators are also racist) and then immediately after they leave the#vision for the character is completely lost#negativity#vent post#dc you made me attached to these characters just to suffer i swear
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kyouka-supremacy · 1 year
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please talk more about chuuaku
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Brain empty no thoughts only chuuaku. It's so good!!! It's hard to pin down one reason why I like them, but I'm just... Very attracted by how realistic the ship feels. Allow me to elaborate: they're very different. They're not different as in “we perfectly complement each other”, they're not different in “we're opposite but we're actually the same and no one gets you like I do”. They're just different. They do NOT understand each other. They have different backgrounds and different experiences and different personalities. They didn't hate each other on sight, for a while they just kind of existed in the same environment. And that's so appealing for me!! It's so good because that's... Something that actually happens. That's part of their charm for me, because people in real life don't really come in perfect sets of oddly specific complimentary designs or 21 cm of height difference or suspiciously resembling mythical enemy creatures from eastern mythology; but people do happen to work at the same work place, maybe to start hanging out more, maybe to start falling for each other. I just find it very sweet! About that, I really like the aspect that since they don't understand reach other, there's the compelling necessity to getting to know each other. I feel like that isn't something that's there with s/kk and ss/kk: with those pairs it's usually this weird mix of hate at first sight and understanding each other like no one else does. With chuuaku, Akutagawa and Chuuya are just different: that means for them there needs to be an actual, mutual effort to understand the other. I like to think about them eventually going through a phase of the kind “I realize this person isn't what I initially thought of them. As it turns out, the idea I had of them was so far from reality, I could as well have never known them at all. Suddenly, for reasons I can't explain, I feel like I want to get to know them”; and it's SO compelling. The growing closer!! The growing together. Like where the other ships are just pushing each other's buttons all the time and usually bringing out the worst out of each other, I feel like Akutagawa and Chuuya could really bring the best out of each other. It's not the constant angst of getting together and breaking up s/kk have going on (which I understand has its own appeal!), but sometimes it's nice when a person can unequivocally be your safe place, you know? Instead of constant mistrust and doubt and fear of being left, just. a person you can fully trust they will always have your back. Having found each other in a world that has made both of them suffer so much so long, and being happy together? Finding happiness together? Idk, I just find it really sweet. At this point, I'm pretty much the “what your favorite x ship says about you” girl going “You just want the best for Akutagawa and Chuuya, and really, who doesn't?”, but isn't that true?? They deserve each other, they deserve a break after everything the world threw at them.
But then again, it's not just a matter of what I want for them, I truly believe they're compatible! Just not in the “soulmates perfectly crafted to be together” way, but in a more realistic way, which again is arguably even more appealing? It's the “Soulmates aren't found, they're made. People meet, they get a good feeling, and then they get to work building a relationship” thing. I like the graduality of the whole thing. I like the falling in love slowly and unintentionally. In my headcanon, Akutagawa and Chuuya weren't in good terms for a very long time, up to at least when Dazai left. I like to think they didn't know each other past their own reputations - I doubt they had many occasions to interact - and just kinda vaguely disliked each other: on Akutagawa's end lied a slightly stronger dislike, given he most definitely didn't like Chuuya as someone who constantly insulted and disrespected Dazai-san and someone Dazai himself wasn't in appearance very fond of (to be fair, there's probably quite a few things in the world 16 or something y/o Akutagawa didn't deeply hate or was angry at) (also, now that I think about it, young Akutagawa was probably jealous of how close Dazai and Chuuya were, as well as of Chuuya being Dazai's partner). On Chuuya's side, I can imagine him not really disliking Akutagawa, but probably being sorta pissed at him for how frequently he made a mess in his missions, his whole kill-kill main-maim attitude, plus lowkey disapproving the whole Dazai idolization thing. Meaning there's so much space for growth starting from there, and that's so appealing, especially after Dazai left the pm! They probably both felt lost and betrayed for their own reasons at that point, and if I don't think they mourned together in the immediate aftermath (though the concept is sweet on its own), I think that has the potential of having brought the two of them closer. Like *this* is the first time when, unexpectedly, they suddenly started understanding each other; because they were going through the same pain. In a way or the other, Dazai was a very close person to both of them who also hurt them beyond words; the moment he left, they were to each other the only person that could understand what they were going through.
But there's potential even besides that tbh? I just want... Akutagawa and Chuuya who are changed and matured some time after Dazai left, and happen to spend time with each other because of a mission or something (will probably get more chances to work together after Akutagawa was promoted. Idk. indulge me on this), and both realizing they're actually so different from the idealized version they had made of each other. And that actually the other isn't so bad after all. And that actually spending more time with them would be nice. And that actually they would like to learn more about the other. I come back to the very initial point, everything about them has the potential to have such a natural and realistic development (as much as a bsd ship can be natural and realistic), and sorry for being a basic broke 21 y/o student but tbh there's literally nothing more romantic than having a stable job and falling in love on the work place with someone who also has a stable job and having no financial trouble and also coming home to the person you love like. Idk about you but that's literally the dream, don't you ever want a break from the endless s/kk angst or ss/kk being a literal tragedy?
And besides everything, their personalities truly DO feel compatible to me!! And really it's not the “we're so compatible we keep clashing with each other”, it's the “we actually work well together”. I'm thinking about Chuuya doing most of the speaking and Akutagawa being a good listener even if he doesn't talk a lot. Chuuya actually enjoying Akutagawa's silent company: Chuuya liking how, compared to most people he interacts with at the pm, Akutagawa's not really afraid to speak his mind, and the few times he talks he WILL be blunt; Chuuya cherishes that. I'm thinking about Akutagawa learning to love and to be loved through Chuuya. I'm thinking about them being the only safe place for each other, this stable island in a world that has hurt them so much they know won't betray them. I'm thinking about them talking about pm matters at home and having this loving and domestic life both of them oh so deserve. I'm thinking about their eyes imperceptibly lighting up and their respective days being made whenever they stumble across each other at work. I'm thinking about THEM
(Side note, but I need domestic chuuaku with Akutagawa complaining about Atsushi– you know, the usual “I hate that Jinko so much, he's so incredibly stupid and unbelievably hypocrite, annoying and weak”, the usual Akutagawa being unable to stop talking about Atsushi 24/7 EXCEPT THIS TIME HE'S ACTUALLY HONEST and not tsunderely complaining about him like he would realistically do in every other universe. A weird universe where Akutagawa is GENUINELY pissed at Atsushi and it's not... Really hate anymore and more of huge annoyance towards this dude you keep having to work with. Akutagawa complaining to Chuuya over dinner in the lines of “Dazai paired me up again with Jinko” “What a bitch” because no more existential dread, THAT'S the kind of light-hearted daily issues I want them both to have.)
And like for chuuaku to exist automatically implies such a big character development for Akutagawa one can't help but love!! Like all Akutagawa ships are inherently beautiful and perfect for their added value of bring to the picture Akutagawa, the most cruel and ruthles and especially emotionless character, being able to feel love. It's just a bonus win from the start lmao. But I feel chuuaku additionally must involve an Akutagawa who's grown and healed past his several mentor complexes which is... A lot, and it's very heartwarming? Akutagawa dating Chuuya, who is superior to him in hierarchy and most likely in fight power, but doing so peacefully because he's long let go of his fixations over demonstrations of power / his perception of power being an indicator of your value as a human being. AND and also Akutagawa dating his ex-mentor's most despised person, letting go of his obsession with Dazai and belief that Dazai is infallible and never wrong: in a way, Akutagawa finally and resolutelly disowning Dazai as his mentor– and without replacing him with a new one, because he doesn't need to be guided anymore, because he's master of his own fate!! Overall Akutagawa becoming a calmer, more loving, more mature person. Good for him. That's also why I can see them getting together only after some time– because the ship speaks of a big growth in their characters, a growth they can go through together, and that is undeniably fun to explore. It would also be nice if Chuuya fell first and Akutagawa second, for a change. I mean, Chuuya seems at least a little more conscious of his own feelings, while Akutagawa definitely took years, years, to get over his twisted feelings for Dazai. And Chuuya's feelings for Dazai are just as complex as Akutagawa's, but seriously I think part of him must have been happy to finally let Dazai go, even if that hurt; because Dazai definitely hurt Chuuya a lot, but I feel like at least Chuuya was more conscious about how much it damaged him compared to Akutagawa. And that's such a juicy aspect, navigating through their own feelings for Dazai alone and together.
But seriously most of everything it's the whole feeling of being SAFE of the ship. I think I use that word a lot when talking about chuuaku, but it's literally all it's about for me. It's knowing you can rely on someone. It's knowing there's someone who will always protect you (I mean, they're two of the most powerful pm operatives, they're bound to feel safe with each other). But it's also the knowing the other would never betray them like they've been betrayed in the past!! There's this specific certainty to this ship that the other person would never abandon them I feel other ships (s/kk and ss/kk) could hardly have, and it's so unspeakably nice. I want them both to feel protect and safe, and it's the kind of final happiness and domesticity only them can give each other. And it's GREAT.
Tl; dr: Chuuaku has so much to offer and it's so different compared to the classic s/kk / ss/kk dynamics and although I get it's not everyone's cup of tea it is MY cup of tea and I WILL proceed to stan them untill I die.
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#Aaaaand post every time I reread this I add a new paragraph it literally became unmanageable#The fun part is. I could talk about them more#Like there's a whole Chuuya paragraph I had to cut simply because I didn't know where to insert it#I know this ask is old thank you for your patience Op!!! It was a very stressful week *runs away crying*#chūya nakahara#ryūnosuke akutagawa#chuuaku#Tbh as I finished reading this I realized the ship not being popular may not have much to do with the ship itself–#but may be more on the fact that they have no canon interactions?#Although it's hard to tell‚ maybe people just like angst and enemies to lovers more.#Besides although there's no canon interaction... Official anime keeps chuuaku fans really fed uh.#The picnic one is absolutely blessed like it's seriously adorable instant melting every time I look at him.#The one with Chuuya giving HIS MOST PRECIOUS THING (his hat) to Akutagawa. The one one picture we have of Akutagawa smiling in promo art#(and arguably the only picture of him in the anime art style smiling EVER if we outlaw creepy fight grins)#being of him looking at Chuuya wtf??????#bsd#bungou stray dogs#people asks me stuff#BESIDES THANK YOU FOR THIS ASK IT KEPT ME BUSY THE WHOLE WEEK BUT I LOVED IT#mine#I occasionally brought up s/kk and ss/kk in this but it wasn't really to say chuuaku is better but rather to underline in what–#it's different compared to the other ships. It's literally just a matter of tastes and all of them ships are good!#I mean I think it goes without saying I like ss/kk ahah#Wow I sure really like words and using words and putting letters together to express thoughts
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paintedvanilla · 10 months
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I feel really sick and ill about the guy at work who won’t take the hint actually like I’m home now sitting in my room and I feel Terrible. physically nauseous.
#like. I’m a recent manager I’m a very New manager#but even so. i was a manager when we hired him.#i was fresh like literally 3 weeks under my belt but even so#i interviewed and hired and trained him As His Manager#and he was super normal at first he would only ever text to ask questions about the job or the campus#but then he fucking. saw me on bumble.#so now he knows I’m single and available.#and actively looking for people. and he thinks he is people.#and he keeps asking me to hang out outside of work#he keeps talking to me about how at his last job he literally dated his boss#and like I’ve been joking about it up until now but it does not feel funny anymore it’s making me feel ill#bc today we worked a class together and afterwards I’m gathering my stuff and he was like#hey if you wanna hang out I’m down. I’m not doing anything. i get really bored and kinda lonely. wanna hang out?#and I was stunned into silence I didn’t know what to say I could tell he wanted me to commit to something Right That Second#and finally I just kept being like oh maybe. um maybe. idk maybe.#i felt soooo backed into a corner about it. and I was talking to juno and they pointed out. that he probably thinks I like him back#but I’m just shy. and/or deterred by being his manager.#and now that they’ve said that I 100% think that’s what’s happening and I’m so. I’m so. I’m so fucking upset about it.#i do not know what to do I think I might try to talk to our big boss about it but he’s just always so busy#i feel like an idiot#op
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exopelagic · 3 months
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honk shoo.
#but yeah sleepy.#i have so much to do these next few days I’m gonna die#meanwhile I just wanna see my friends#the good thing is that some of the busy things involve seeing my friends but goddamn why are almost all of them hard#also YES I’m going to be dumb and gay again bc a) why shouldn’t I b) nobody can stop me#I’m being dumb and gay again.#now seen The Guy twice since I’ve been back and he’s very cool#still feel like I’m being insane god idk what I’m doing#I hope he comes tomorrow bc he can’t make the meeting which means he won’t be on committee which sucks bc he did want to#OH but I did mean to tell him there was one role he could go for and have a good shot at that I think he’d be good for#only problem is if he doesn’t come tomorrow I can’t tell him in time bc I don’t have any way to message him other than email#(which feels slightly creepy bc I only know it bc secretary and he’s never explicitly said his surname so it’s just inferred from the list)#idk. the thing that gets me is we are very much friends now. like early stages of friends but we keep talking at hockey#and importantly he keeps coming To Me which keeps surprising me bc he does it more than any of my other friends#but I guess I’m also coming to him kinda a lot too. self awareness falls when around cute boy you get how it is#god it’s so unfair why is he like this#I finished getting my skates off before he did yesterday which gave me a very good opportunity to Look while he was talking#and have it not be weird and he’s just very pretty. he’s got a rlly nice nose#i always feel insane pointing out noses it’s the Draw speaking bc I use noses as a focal point and they’re fun to draw#tbh it’s unlikely I will say someone does Not have a nice nose but idk let me have this. it would be fun to draw is maybe what I mean#and I hadn’t noticed before bc the like bridge? and uhh like. base? idk nose words but they don’t match#the bridge is super long and on the thin side w a bump like mine but the like bottom is much rounder and wider and I don’t see that mix much#he also just has rlly nice hair it’s super curly and he’s in that like weird light brown purgatory where it’s all different colours#like it’s mostly light brown but some bits look rlly dark and some especially at the ends is like almost blonde and it changes w the light#god he also keeps doing this dumb fucking thing where he’s trying to skate while squatting all the way and it’s ridiculous#he looks like a spider folding in on itself and the worst part is he can fucking do it#he’s gotten so good at skating recently and I have a feeling he lives somewhere with an ice rink bc I’m sure he’s better than he was novembr#yeah I also got to just stand and watch him play yesterday and it’s so incredibly horribly unfair#anyway I’m too fucking gay and I will not let him escape me again tomorrow I Will get his instagram or smth bc I swear this man#luke.txt
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It's been wonderful being able to talk about these things for me too! I haven't really had the opportunity since Y7 came out, so I'm positively buzzing. And no worries about the tone of your post about Daigo's article haha, I appreciate it when issues are pointed that I might've missed otherwise since that's at least something actionable.
But I'm obviously not going to stop anyone from venting frustrations with the wiki or with Fandom as a platform; I frequently find myself frustrated too! It's one of the things that keeps people editing the wiki. I'm honestly fine with whatever as long as it's not accusing us of being fujoshi for the billionth time lol, but for better or worse I do like to clarify what we're trying to do if there's any confusion.
Speaking of, Mine's relationship tags are kind of a funny story! So a lot of them have these dotted underlines and question marks, right? You're supposed to be able to hover over underlined terms to see a short definition (on desktop) and click the question mark to see an article with all the definitions on mobile, since hover actions aren't possible on a touchscreen.
But since the article was and still is under construction, Fandom doesn't show the link to logged-out users. So I had no idea it just looks like we're saying the tag is ambiguous lol. It's up now though, so it's hopefully easier to understand what we're trying to do!
I just found it funny I specifically added that feature to reduce confusion. Half the grief we get over Mine's "romantic interest" tag is because people assume we're saying it's mutual (we chose the term to try and avoid the "mutual" connotations of "love interest," but I guess that didn't work out). I also thought it might help with somewhat esoteric tags like "co-parent" (which was put in place for Jo and Arakawa and then I kept thinking of others) and "surrogate son." Turns out it's tough to boil complex relationships down to one term!
I definitely have SO many questions about New Year's Day and I probably always will; for the space of only one night, it's a huge blank. I certainly do have to wonder if shipping Masato off to America was decided then and there. There's a lot that could possibly be expanded on in RGGO (further interactions between Arakawa and Jo included lol), so I've got hope for that too now that we're back to random events. I'd be really interested to see how you'd portray it someday!
Talking about Nakai and Tsutsumi reminded me, Nakai mentioned he read the whole script in a day so he "wouldn't do a disservice to Arakawa or Sawashiro's characters." That kind of stuck out to me precisely because there are so few scenes between them compared to like, Arakawa and Ichi, and they're all relatively low-impact in comparison.
Of course, it could be marketing on account of him and Tsutsumi getting to co-star again, or the scenes could simply have stood out to him more for that reason, or he could've had a different impression of the ratios having read the script rather than played the game. But the part of me that makes me want to go Off The Deep End speculating is kind of wondering if there were other scenes planned?
And absolutely! I'm not able to reblog often because the post editor's been crashing whenever I try to tag my posts, but I hope you know I love your work and I'll support pretty much anything you put out! I'm very excited to share my findings as well.
A lot of it's to do with Mine's relationship to Western culture vs. Japanese culture (his "westabooism," basically), so that's specific to him, but there a lot of interesting concepts and theories in Japanese psychology regarding familial bonds, met and unmet emotional needs. They work as an explanation for his probable feelings of alienation from Japanese culture, but I feel they would make for an interesting lens to examine the Arakawas through as well.
I actually hadn't ever considered the similarity with regard to Mine and Jo's dads, but that makes so much sense! If I were to take it a step further, I think feelings of "abandonment" by their fathers have had long-lasting effects on both them and Masato. Jo we've been talking about, his father was technically still "there," but he wasn't in his corner, which feels much the same as abandonment to a child.
I think Mine's internalized a lot of the same feelings even though his father never meant to abandon him (I guess Jo's may not have, necessarily; alcoholism can destroy a family whether the individual wants that to happen or not). Like, unfairness, displacement, lack of control, the loss of the only support you have and so on. I think dwelling on that is what sent Mine's mental state spiraling, and what made it imperative to just believe Daigo was "dead" to try and move on as soon as possible. He didn't want to be hurt the same way again.
It's also probably what he was projecting in his ridiculous villain speech during The Orphanage Scene; the reason offering kids support in the way Kiryu does is a form of "victimization" in his eyes, at that moment, is because that support can be ripped away from you at any time. The scene is kind of hilarious to me because it's like, "okay we need Mine to have a kick-the-dog moment, his actions have been too understandable," but I do get it from that angle.
Similarly, I think those feelings of abandonment are why Arakawa faces the brunt of Aoki's abuse, because it's like, "YOUR negligence is why I had to go through all of that." So I get why Jo, like your sister, wouldn't want the finger pointed at him, but at the same time… damn. Perhaps if Arakawa had never had that talk with Masato, things might've been different. I get the impression he wouldn't be able to endure keeping things to himself for as long as Jo, though, given things like the letter he sent Ichi in prison.
Oh, yeah, Jo is CRAZY protective of Masato too! "If anything happens to him, killing you a thousand times would be insufficient!" I think part of his overreaction to having Masato's money is also that if Ichi can't listen to orders that fundamental, who's to say he listened to the orders to keep Masato safe? I guess if you see Ichiban as incompetent to the point of almost being a malicious actor, you might think that.
I'm sooo so glad you've noticed the rest of those similarities haha, I've been rotating them around in my brain like a cube for ages. A Venn diagram would be so fun to see! That's such an insightful look at the differences between Mine and Jo's offices too. I was a little confused about the placement of the social spaces, or even that they're there, but if you look at it as clearly separate from his personal spaces, it does make sense.
Also, not to harp on the books in the offices too much, but I compared the textures a little earlier. Mine's are basically all (very expensive) encyclopedias and language phrasebooks in English, Italian, French, and German, in contrast to Jo's discrete hardcovers and series of art history books. They're probably all stock assets lol, but I think they're surprisingly good fits; Mine dumping considerable time, money, and energy into his fascination with Western culture and Jo being the type to not want people to know what he's reading totally works for me.
But yes! It's kind of funny, because Yokoyama wasn't much of a Mine fan in his early days, but I hope he and the others keep on writing characters like him. I think of it as Mine's "legacy" in a series where past characters aren't acknowledged too often; the most I can recall are that Hakuho mention in 4 and the fencing around the Touto roof perimeter.
Speaking of, I love Mine's missed shots in the finale specifically because he's an excellent marksman in his Okinawa character story. Why? How? Who Knows, He's Perfect. (Probably not as good of a shot as Daigo though lol)
And yeahhh, there are other interviews, but it ain't the same! It was the most in-depth one I know of. I think this is one of the only remnants, and I shall entrust it to you.
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But yes, exactly! And I'm also glad Y7 introduced more people to them (myself included), Tsutsumi's my favorite actor of all time and Nakai's brilliant. They make a great combi! Of the things I've seen where they co-star, I think Princess Toyotomi and Hero SP are both solid; the latter is a special for a longer show, but I honestly didn't even notice lol. Musashi I wasn't personally able to get through even though I've read the book, so I'm not sure how it plays out between them.
Also I DIDN'T KNOW TORU DIED IN PURE??? That came out of nowhere oh my god T___T But if you're ever looking for anything rare, feel free to ask! I might know a guy (gender neutral) with a stash, Fly, Daddy, Fly included.
OH MAN MINE'S WIKI ENTRY I've definitely made my opinions about it known, but now knowing the truth behind it it's kind of funny and still so unfortunate. I'd almost want to recommend a section dedicated to the topic since it's such an integral part of his character, though I also understand wanting to keep the wiki strictly to factual information and to exclude speculation (or "speculation" anyhow- it's definitely more of a concrete situation, especially going off of the information provided in your pinned post on the topic. If anything, that sort of information would belong to the "Trivia" tab wouldn't it- but again, it's such a deep situation it can't really be summarized in one or two sentences) and the topic being too niche to have a page dedicated to it. It's nice to know that the subject isn't trying to be brushed under the rug though and it's just a matter of awkward formatting/incomplete work!
Furthermore on The New Years Event, I would LOVE RGGO to expand on the topic since they've been so liberal with the stories they make and the depth those stories add to the characters. Honestly, I was expecting Masato's card to have that as its accompanying character story, so it's unfortunate that he doesn't get it or any story as far as I'm aware (or maybe he does have one and my poor pull luck has just prevented me from getting the card to find out myself, but I've looked as much as I could and couldn't find an upload of it). Oh well, I guess it's the old "if you want something done you gotta do it yourself-" not that anything I could make could ever be up to scratch, so I'm glad I do have people interested in what I have in mind :)
About Nakai, I wouldn't feel wrong trying to accredit his comment to a time before he knew the full plot or saw the full game and was just debriefed on the general story/character relationships, and I also wouldn't put it past RGG to have deleted scenes/ideas (if those do exist, RGG please let me in your vault I'd like to take a peak...)!
The psychology of Mine is another topic I've been wanting to officially tackle for a while now, so I'm glad I have this chance to share some of what I have mental bullet points for.
Moreover, Mine's dad and how he "left" Mine undeniably impacted him significantly beyond physically leaving him alone, and it definitely manifests in The Orphanage Scene and his idea that killing Daigo would be "putting him out of his misery". In those instances, he sees Daigo and the orphans as victims of an unfair reality, Daigo being comatose, and the orphans having the endure the struggles of being orphans (and that added-on, projected anxiety that their comfortable lives now could vanish at any second like it did for Mine). Mine's mustache-twirling villainy is funny for its absurdity, but I also genuinely appreciate it since it lets us peak into his warps philosophy better. It doesn't justify his actions by any means, but it explains to us why he can justify his actions as from a place of love or pity as opposed to thoughtless evil.
To add on, Mine's relationship with his father, from what we're allowed to gather, was healthy and positive. Because of their positive relationship, the removal of such adds credence as to why Mine's desperate to get that love again. It especially makes sense considering Japan's horrendous attitude and negligence towards orphaned children that was even demonstrated during Mine's childhood while his father was alive.
And as an inverse aside, Jo's relationship with his dad was toxic, whether it was due to blatant abuse or combined negligence. It's fair to assume that Jo never got to experience genuine, secure love growing up, so as a result, it's not something he actively seeks out. He's been without it long enough that it's not something he necessarily craves like Mine who used to have it until it was taken from him.
Masato certainly makes it clear he felt isolated despite the efforts Jo and Arakawa repeatedly went through for him, and it's apparent it's an unfortunate side affect of internalized ableism. It definitely doesn't help anyone's case that Masato had seemingly been informed of the night of his birthday's events (from Arakawa's point of view, obviously), and it's clear that knowledge gives ammunition as to why he resents him.
You're right on Jo potentially seeing Ichi as a bad actor, it's not as if he has disdain for him for no reason! Like even if Ichiban hadn't taken Masato's money the way Jo could have imagined, the idea that Ichi can't be responsible in one avenue can easily lead back to Ichi having the potential to look after Masato, especially when he seems to be the one who predominately looks after him when he's tasked to.
I've already got my program open to make my little chart and have my reference pictures ready, so hopefully I can have that silly thing out soon haha- I'm glad you're interested in seeing it, and I hope other people will like to see it too! Jo and Mine really are my favorite antagonists, so it's funny (and I guess not surprising) that they have parallels to them.
To add on to that though, I think it's fun to look at the extra details, no matter how small; I'm probably more happy than I should be that you looked at their office's books, but I can't help be a fan of the details you found (whether they're generic models or not, I'm running with them- I've done more with less before lmao)! Mine having language books is definitely in-line with his interests, but Jo having art history books is weirdly endearing (and dare I say another point for "these are the same picture" comparing it to Mine's own love for art). Jo being so private to the point of blocking out the binds of the books he owns is so accurate to him and his secrecy, and the concept that he likes to read about art in his spare time is a new favorite concept for me.
Mine really isn't acknowledged much after 4; in comparison to Ryuji and Nishiki, he's remembered throughout the series the least (you can argue the same for Ryuji, but considering he gets a whole new life in Dead Souls, I think it's fair to say that makes up for the mainline series forgetting about him. Though I guess the same could be Mine getting a prominent role as Hijikata in Ishin... Definitely not as cool of a spot as to be a playable protagonist with a machine gun arm if I'm honest). In that, it's great that his likelihood can exist in future characters, and I hope they continue the trend of phenomenal antagonists in LaD8 and onward!
I'm eternally grateful for this frame you've gifted me thank you so much- Nakai's smile is such a blessing honestly, I'm glad if anything survived from the interview it can be this shot at least.
I've got Princess Toyotomi and Hero SP added to my watch list, DEFINITELY something I'll be excited to check out as a reward once I have all my important business taken care of this week! Honestly, I haven't seen Musashi either: while I was looking through their filmography I saw it was a project they did, but I've always been bad at watching long series so I didn't take the time to see their performance together.
For things I have seen though... yeah he dies SORRY IF THAT WAS HOW YOU FOUND OUT </3</3 Honestly I didn't expect myself to love the series as much as I did (admittedly it was predominately because of the leads and their relationship), but when it happened I was both- dare I say crushed- a little humored a little funny in a dark-comedy way.
And if you do have access to harder-to-get films, I'd absolutely be interested in hearing about it. One of Nakai's movies Good Morning Show has been haunting me for weeks: it sounds like such a fun movie yet I can't find it anywhere </3
#long post#fave#i have to fave these now because i be putting my essay notes in these OOPSIE#snap chats#the state of the arakawas is probably one of my favorite things to explain to people BECAUSE its so complicated#i showed my sister the ending of Y7 despite her not knowing anything about the series since i was talking about how upset it made me#and i tried to explain the whole family situation since it was relevent#just... yeah so the guy in blue was put in a locker by his dad and then he got saved by another guy#and he did that because he thought the guy in blue was his kid- who is actually the guy in red#because /his/ mom put him in a locker because of yakuza business and she couldnt take care of him#but now dad-who-put-a-baby-in-a-locker came back so now he co-parents alongside the guy who took his baby#but theyre not together they just. raise 'their' kid but the other guy doesn't know that his co-parent is the /actual/ dad#i know i already made a parody of it but it genuinely has the set up to some goofy slice-of-life manga i love it ☠️☠️#its SO funny to try to explain its easy to understand if you put it down on paper or write it out but to verbally do it 😭☠️☠️#moving on tho i'd love to know more about that japanese psychology bit#im asian myself and tho obviously not all asian cultures are the same they overlap#so im curious to see if i can recognize any of the issues i notice in my own culture with that which can be applied to the arakawas + mine#the bit on his western idolization is something im interested in too ! esp based on the books in his office it could be an interestin topic#man i just keep looking at that interview picture and it really does have the energy of a proud dad and his son#maybe thats just because nakai's smile reminds me of my dads#but yes yes thank you again for writing it ! i know i keep saying it but i cant stress how nice it is to take this extensively#especially because not only do i learn a bit more and learn some details i missed but it also helps me expand my own thoughts#that i hope to make into bigger posts#on that note though i have one more quick post to make after this one then i have to tend to some of that Important Business..#and thank you for being a supporter of me and my work ! sometimes i get a bit self conscious about it#i know i post a lot too and i never expect people to interact with my things so im grateful for the knowledge you enjoy it !
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mildmayfoxe · 1 year
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i never posted about my follow up re: my boss hole-punching all my journal papers but: it went bad. lol. i brought it up & she immediately started deflecting & acting attacked, telling me she hurt herself punching the holes in the paper & that she didn’t have time to cut me more paper (i never asked for this. for the record. i was ready to laugh it off & let it go & come to a mutual agreement about where my paper should go in the future. like a reasonable adult). and then she canceled the wholesale order for the journals i was supposed to make & SULKED for the rest of the day. and THEN she removed the journals from the wholesale shop entirely. because of my audacity to be like “haha hey i think you punched all my paper by accident :)”
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spookyboywhump · 9 months
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darknet pet owner forums, baby. (i feel like cain wouldn’t know how to access it though)
When asked why he’s not on the darknet pet owner forums Cain says he’s simply too busy to bother with it but in actuality he just can’t figure that shit out
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craycraybluejay · 6 months
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Got a sick fixation again. Every time I forget, that reminder returns. Need. Sick sick sick. The urge. I'm like if dark urge inbred with another dark urge and then that one inbred with another inbred dark urge so they had an even more fucked up baby and that baby was me
#i cant stop thinking ab it#and now i cant sleep even on 6mg melatonin#i feel like im going fucking feral crazy#istg is there like. a pill i can take which will calm down this specific problem#bc i dont really fuck w meds but maybe i could try again this time if it could actually work#though tbh id rather just be fixed like a cat :/#remove all that#also remove my brain#remove my hands remove my eyes remove my mouth my nose my ears#remove everything#sigh#i hope i can forget about this at least for a bit with how busy i am in the next 2 weeks#i hope.#but also i dont? but thats obsession talking.#i wish i was good at art. i could sketch this away until i get bored or compartmentalize it enough to deal#but im not. and i wouldnt be satisfied enough with any of the sketches they wouldnt look like what theyre supposed to#id still feel. unbridled. wild.#feral.#what i wouldn't give to just not exist it's too much my feelings and thoughts are TOO BIG#conflicting words in the thousands per second saying do this dont do that dont do what you want follow the urge dont be weird be careful#it NEVER SHUTS UP up there#NEVER#its always going BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH#you guys think i TALK TOO MUCH? YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TALK TOO MUCH EVEN M E A N S#EVEN ONE DAY WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE TO SWITCH WITH SOMETHING SLOWER. EASIER TO DEAL WITH#i FUCKING MISS painkillers i MISS THEM they made things even a little bit QUIET#from day 1 to the day i die its all so much#you love them. you hate them. you want to eat them. you just noticed a new mole on them. you want to crawl into their skin.#you want to hurt. hurt is bad. hurt feels good. stop talking like a caveman. shut up. go away. porn. videogames.#troll a forum. read a book. kill yourself. make a song. hit that bitch.
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