#// he makes me emotional in nice ways
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You know something I don't think I've ever seen people talk about is how Freddie changed the lyrics for Big Spender.
Because in case you don't know, all original versions of the song are sung by women - and it is made very clear that they are singing to men:
The minute you walked in the joint
I could see you were a man of distinction
A real big spender
[....]
So let me get right to the point:
I don't pop my cork for every man I see
Hey, big spender
Spend a little time with me
Probably not too surprising, then, that when Queen performed this song in 1974 Freddie had to do a bit of a gender-switch on it:
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Though, it would probably be more accurate to say that Freddie made this song gender-neutral because he didn't change it to be about a woman. He eliminated the first use of "man" entirely and then sang "I don't pop my cork for everyone I see" (instead of "every man").
And honestly there's probably a whole dissertation you could write just about those changes alone, but what I really love is when Queen brought the song back in 1986 and Freddie changed the lyrics again:
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Because yes he still dropped the first "man" but the "everyone" is changed and Freddie instead sang "every guy" with just the barest hint of a "-rl" sound at the end to give him plausible deniability if anyone asked about it.
So much of Freddie's music speaks to his experiences as a queer man but, because of the nature of the times in which he lived, he couldn't always be directly open about that fact. Most of his love songs are intentionally vague, and he sang about "somebody" or "you" to avoid having to use gendered terms as much as possible.
Freddie singing "I don't pop my cork for every GUYrl I see" wasn't just an adjustment to the original lyrics, it was a specific change from how Freddie had sang it before in order to make it more gay in a way that he could rarely be with his own music, and that is what I adore about this. It's such a little thing, but it gives such a unique insight into how Freddie balanced his sexuality and his stardom, and how the relationship between those two changed over the nearly 12 years between these performances.
#freddie mercury#queen#queen band#freddie#text#ramblings#long post //#I got the Rainbow on dvd for xmas and I've been thinking about this a lot since then#and thinking about it even more after posting yesterday's gifset#it's SUCH a little thing but it's made me emotional ever since the first time I've noticed it#the transformation from Freddie ''I can't tell anyone I'm gay or it'll ruin everything'' Mercury in 1974#to Freddie ''Four cocks fighting - ooh it's getting nice this!'' Mercury in 1985#perfectly summed up in two video clips#idk. sometimes I feel like in defense of Freddie's queerness some fans take it to the opposite extreme#and insist that it was SO UNBELIEVABLY OBVIOUS TO EVERYONE ALL THE TIME in the 70s/80s that Freddie was gay#when in actuality... no it really really wasn't#and that's IMPORTANT. the ways in which Freddie had to hide himself and the ways in which he chose not to are IMPORTANT.#and erasing those decisions from his history or pretending they were easy ones to make isn't defending his queerness#it only serves to erase it even further
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Gift (Patreon)
#Doodles#UT#Handplates#Gaster#Papyrus#Second go around! Maybe he can talk about it with the one who actually got the scarf!#Or not haha - better to just let some things lie#Though ♪ Of course Papyrus would recognize Gaster's efforts ♥ His emotional intelligence hhhh <3#He knows everything there was Gaster's initially and so reading between the lines of Gaster telling him he can have it#It's a gift! Properly! That deserves praise!! Good job you did something nice!#I also deeply love when Gaster is first pulled back out how one of his first little smiles is at Papyrus being silly#Gaster is also very prideful! It's cute to see his son being self-aggrandizing in that kid way! Seeing him enjoy it is so nice ;;#Also I know that Papyrus is still shorter than Gaster I just really like the idea of him being almost his dad's height ;;#He's so grown up now! He's grown into such a beautiful adult <3#It does make sense that he's still shorter considering the whole ''torn in half'' thing ahh#Maybe Gaster is leaning down just let me have this lol#I also ended up doing a lot of digital reconstruction on this one!#Especially panels 2 through 4 - I actually pulled out my tablet to draw in the bits that got cut off by the surrounding doodles#I wasn't as careful with my spacing with these oops :P But I think they turned out pretty style-matched :)#Cute lads happy <3
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I don’t think it makes sense to assume that Jason was mocking Mia’s past. At all. The thing that got jason painted as violent back in the 80s was his anger against rapists…how does that turn into mocking a victim? and that entire story was written by winick. Do we honestly think winick intended to communicate that? The same writer who made Jason’s first kill a man who was trafficking children? Who had Jason pause in his mission of madness to make sure those kids were found by the right people so they wouldn’t be in further danger?
#let’s knock on our skulls and kick our brains back into gear okay?#you can maintain that it wasn’t well executed or that the role mia played here bothers you#but you can’t say jason was mocking her for that or even seriously trying to hurt her physically#he was bsing like 90% of the story with his constant ‘we should all kill anyone who inconveniences us! speedy and GA should try to kill me#if they want to win’ like we understand that yes?#but that last part of his convo with Mia was the one serious part#he was wrong! of course he was wrong about ollie. but this was also Jason’s first time meeting ollie#it was ridiculous and unnecessary on his end and it put mia thru the emotional wringer for nothing#but that wasn’t the Intention. it was a stupid thing done by someone who never expected anything to come of it but still said what *to him*#was a way of offering advice#and as for the ppl who go ‘stop reaching abt jason being a victim and just read Mia instead’#a) there’s more to Mia’s character than her past. anyone who thinks that fits Jason’s past wouldn’t necessarily like mia bc they’re not the#same character#it’s the same way that if jason was confirmed to have been a victim of SA as a kid then all of Mia’s fans wouldn’t love him like they love#her? this is common sense. anyways stop being assholes online and just recommend characters too ppl nicely#b) more than one character can have experienced a similar form of abuse. also common sense#c) it’s not an unreasonable hc#d) it doesn’t hurt you personally. none of this killed your grandma#once again: hate whoever you like but choosing the interpretation that doesn’t make sense just to make up a#‘valid’ reason is serious loser behaviour
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So now that I've figured out why Hira might go for Astarion ... I am now struggling to figure out why Astarion would go for them in the long run. Like, because he's barely his own person at this point, what are his preferences? Ya know? Beyond how they treat him, beyond the obvious, what about them is it that he likes? Ya know? "You were kind and patient and trusted me" is all well and good but that's still 1) related to him and 2) doesn't quite tap into the sense that he also wants them for himself for other reasons aside from wanting more of what they're doing for him. Ya know? Ya fucking know?
#bg3#worsties to lovers#this isn't me complaining btw this is just my process#but it is kinda difficult in this case ngl#cuz the poor guy hasn't figured himself out yet#i headcanon him as like ... demi or graysexual so he wouldn't be immediately attracted to them#which he basically confirms in game that he's not so#but basically i can't just say that he thinks they look hot and diesel even though they absolutely do#i do have some ideas mind you#the fact that they're a bard and clearly in love with music and poetry and the arts#like in a genuine way#i think he finds that attractive cuz he envies it on some level#to love a part of the shitty world he lives in and thus make it slightly less shitty in the process#i think he also likes that they can make him feel things without like ... touching him or really doing anything *for* him specifically#like by just performing something with their whole heart they are able to evoke emotion#and it's not pretentious or forced like the poetry his victims would read at him#in my head i think their first genuine kiss is right after hira reads him one of their fave poems and it makes astarion feel so weird#that his only response is 'hmm. i should kiss them on the mouth i think'#and it absolutely obliterates the nice platonic vibe and hira leaves and astairon can't figure out why tf he just did that for#god they're so cringefail
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#okay so random tag post even though it's been ages#me thinks the current place i work is actually decent a la accepting-queer-ppl so?? miiiiight. consider actually putting my#pronouns in my email signature (which hardly gets used but shh) but like. the actual ones not the society/people assume anyway ones#idk i attended a virtual tech focused event for trans dov (yes early but they didn't want to put the event on sun) and you know when#everyone is just sharing their stories and experiences and it's just like... an overwhelming sense of community? anyway that#and since it was hosted by a professional org the topics were all workplace focused and mayhaps that's something i'm thinking abt for#this year. at least within our pride group I might be ready? wild bc for a long time tumblr has been the only place I feel comfy being 100%#myself. but hearing real people's stories makes me feel like that kind of community would be nice to have elsewhere too#and the whole looking to others also turns around into the leading by example thing bc then we had some breakout groups at the end for#networking which is not my favorite but! i did my intro and said I use she/her for work but will use she/they for this group and#then the next person said he/him at work but for this group he/they so that made me wonder if it was bc of me saying so first?#which if it was is kind of like oh. the way I'm looking for those people for me.. I can also be that for someone else#anyway this sounds dumb typed out but irl/professional me has always separated out queer identity so it's new to me#i'm allowed to be giddy okay. just a little. as a treat (is tumblr still using 'as a treat' i really hope so)#oh shit is this what gender euphoria feels like#alright that's it for now i think#gah emotions and whatnot#missed you all btw i'll start actually being online again soon#personal
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The problem with my art right now is that 1) the little drawing time I have goes to @daily-basil ; 2) I have phases, and am currently deeply unmotivated ; and 3) when I do draw what this blog is currently about (Arsenic) I draw him in a gay way (because I love him deeply) and not like the unhinged person he actually is. I'm sorry I'm so soft about him right now. Yes I want Sunny and him to tear each other apart but they also need to love each other so so so much first
#siiiiiiigh...#im sorry i need him to hold sunny gently and tells him he loves him and yes he'll say it in horrible unhinged ways BUT#poor man who does not know how to love and does not know he can be loved. he is convinced he needs to manipulate people to make them stay#writing down arsenic lore for tosteur like two days ago made me so emotional about him. shaking and crying#there's not even like An Event it's just that his whole childhood sucks and he's never been accepted by anyone and he's so lonely and#(starts crying)#he does horrible horrible things but all he does to sunny truly comes from love. deeply inhumane and twisted love but love nonetheless#(except when he's being a selfish ass who doesn't have any sort of morals and generally doesn't give a shit about other people. of course)#god he's such a horrible person (/simplification) i love him#he does not care about hurting other people and only cares about his own selfish desires#he thinks he can do anything he wants and if other people get hurt by his actions it's not his problem#don't you DARE touch a single hair on sunny's head. not in a 'i care about my bf' way btw.#but because if sunny gets hurt. he has to deal with that and 1) it's boring unless it brings him something and 2) that's *his* plaything.#even when he does nice things for sunny he doesn't make it just to make sunny happy#he does it so that sunny will associate happiness with him and stay.#that's what he thinks consciously at least. he always had ulterior motives for everything he does#it doesn't really make him calculating because it's automatic at this point. it just makes him deeply selfish#my poor little boy who has never had anyone genuinely care about him before...#which doesn't excuse shit of course but hhhh i love him so much.#(D if you see this. this is about the OC not the guy. of course)#arsenic#rant#sometimes i think about nick like a normal person ('he's so awful and interesting') and sometimes i just slhrflfbfb. (cries)
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I once said that I thought Steph would make a great Black Canary, and I still think that's one of the realest takes I've ever had.
Like, this moment seared itself into my head and never faded:
{ Robin 80-Page Giant }
#stephanie brown#dinah lance#spoiler#black canary#me learning about how dinah lost her cry which was as much BULLSHIT as steph's death btw okay hold on i need to get this out of my system#because they had to nerf her SO HARD for that to make sense and it STILL DIDNT BECAUSE ?????? SHE'S THE BLACK CANARY???? THAT GUY WAS A#NOBODY WITH A KNIFE ARE YOU JOKING??? and then the story that follows isnt even really ABOUT dinah it's about ollie and im so. ohhhh my god#JUST like how steph's death was largely brished aside to deal with bruce and jason's angst like. yeah i wanted there to be angst but it#wouldve been nice if it had been about HER for more than five seconds. honestly im so mixed about her death and return tbh. the way they#went about her passing was so weirdly inconsistent through the issues that bruce managing to get her to leslie in time does make sense but#then they do that weird thing with leslie and it's like ???? wha???? i go back and forth on how i feel about steph's return. on one hand i#love how she comes back more focused and stronger largely by her own means but on the other i did want#... something. i wanted her to be angry a bit longer and to deal with the complicated emotions between her 'failing' and bruce's 'failing'#and what that meant for her now. idk i love her batgirl run but it wouldve been nice if she had a bit more space to grieve herself.#anyway later in this issue dinah agrees to mentor steph for a bit and her rules are pretty much the same as bruce's when he made her robin#and if dinah had mentored steph instead of bruce she never would've died ok send tweet#wjshshsk#i love the panels of them looking at each other. dinah looking into steph's eyes and recognising the look in them.#i love how she smiles at stephanie both times. it's so gentle and kind. ily black canary#love posting on blogs where no one follows me. i can just say shit
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Why would you pin a kick me sign on Cody?
Have you met the man?
Look at him.
He needs to be kicked some. Shake some of that trickery he's put on everyone into thinking he is a perfect ball of sunshine and impenetrable competence.
Honestly, also, he is another character who loses all amusement for me once in the hands of fandom.
Based entirely on the behaviors we—do—see from the character, he reminds me of my beloved Grandfather, and all his many layers. The subtlety of his expressions, the way he so obviously opens up more around one person, Rex, than anyone else. My grandfather was the same way. He was a man who intimidated others, but he was actually a genuinely soft-shelled person that was too reticent to befriend many.
All because of that, I see Commander Cody and my "favorite grandchild" instincts begin again—I see a kick-me sign on his back.
My grandfather and I were terrors to each other, and to the world at large. He waited his whole life to have a little menace to be obnoxious with, and I was it.
What I read into him is a man who 100% is a Walk Softly And Carry A Big Stick, only... he wears massive combat boots. So, the walking softly part kind of gets lost. He still has a big stick. He's also a man who shuts up and listens.
He has his favorites, though. I'll break some military code of conduct and characterize it—
Cody will burn this galaxy down for that blonde Clone. Try him. He is usually a mellow yellow sun, but he'll go nova. My grandmother, who was definitely my grandfather's favorite for most of her life, just chuckled and acknowledged that I was a different matter. I imagine that Cody and Obi-Wan are similar to them, though platonic—they sure would bicker like my grandparents did. Kenobi knows that his Clone Commander is loyal, fervent, stalwart. But for a man who has nothing to his name, not even his painted armor... Don't make that scarfaced man...
In canon, in the new comics, in Legends—Everyone sees an intimidating Commander.
I see a D-O-R-K. I knew a man like him. They even had the same, mischievous smirk, called their favorite people derisive nicknames, and had a frown so deep that it curved his the whole bottom half of his mouth in a deep arch. I loved him with all my heart.
That's why I'll pin a KICK ME sign on Cody. Because he makes me giggle to see a floof ball under all that intimidation. He just better lovingly bully me back.
Which, he does... Anyway, back to revising more of his content. This is how he bullies me — now.
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me age seven being sat down in front of the school’s district child psych lady and being given strange, simple spatial puzzles to solve and then long, complicated worksheets and hammering my way through them at the speed of light while having zero comprehension what their purpose was or why i was here: this is urgent! i have to get a good grade in Weird Puzzles, Or Else, something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve,
#kjalkjsdalkjasdl mrs button was a nice lady but not one adult in my childhood ever seemed to notice what to me now seems like#a pretty obvious case of the autisms#then again maybe they just didn't look as hard unless it was *really* obvious back then . it was like. what. 2000? a couple years later#everybody was talking about autism but not when i was six or seven then it was usually just when it was Very Visible#a couple years later my cousin who's more visibly on the spectrum than me got her diagnosis so young that she's pretty much always had it#which is...well i think it's just made her life difficult in a different way. people underestimate her or don't treat her like she's her age#but then she's always had the opportunity to get accommodations and people are sometimes more forgiving when she can't do something#whereas i got labeled 'kid that should be ahead of the game' from a pretty young age and then when i struggled adults either ignored it#or it was just a huge hassle to them and even i could see it exasperated them to have to work around me#but because mrs button (nice lady but what were you thinking) hadn't told them to treat me like a kid with a developmental disorder#they didn't do that in good OR bad ways . so i never got any accommodations with school stuff i struggled with which was a fair bit#i wasn't supposed to need extra testing time in a quiet room or tutoring with math or help organizing my abysmally scattered things#the only time i DID get that was in sixth grade when i was sort-of friends with this kid jonathan who was Very On The Spectrum#he wasn't really a talker unless it was about whatever he was reading which suited me fine so we just kind of existed in each other's space#and his TSS was this very smart and nice lady who had clearly clocked that Something Was Going On With Me and even though it wasn't like#her JOB she made a little bit of time for me. mostly with emotional stuff (i think i was under the impression she was a therapist?)#but if i had some problem with being unable to keep friends or being frozen out by the kids i wanted to be liked by (happened often)#she'd be able to just like. be there she'd make the time . wish i could remember her name
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unpopular opinion but actually i love when heroes refuse to kill their enemies and no one is gonna make me not love it
#personal crap#i think it makes writers have to be more creative about how they solve problems#plus it allows you to play with the morality of killing and what ways to fight are ok#(doctor who and su do that a lot obviously and imho it slaps idc what anyone else says)#and have stone cold badass moments of like emotional superiority (vash from trigun does that a fair bit#and my favourite recent example is how in gotg 3 rocket refuses to kill the high evolutionary bc he knows he's already won#and doesn't want to do to him what he did to lylla teefs and floor)#when heroes do just kill their enemies in cold blood it feels kinda boneheaded to me by comparison#not to mention a lot of purity culture weirdos loooove when villains are just one-dimensional evil dicks who have to be destroyed#bc that plays really nicely into their morality#oh and i just thought of another one: in rotj luke refusing to kill palpatine to take his place is so cool#especially in contrast to how in tros rey just kills him like it's nothing even though they spent the whole trilogy#building up the idea her allegiance to the light side of the force isn't as strong as most jedi#only to go 'nah if you kill palpatine everything's good'
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just worked my last shift 🥳 it’s very weird to be closing a six year chapter of my life
#doesn’t totally feel like i’m not going back#it’s a dumpster fire there but it’s still a little bittersweet#my coworkers got me two cakes and a card with nice messages and flowers and an octopus plushie 🥺#which is a reference to a particularly unhinged moment i was involved in lol#but my boss came in (he was supposed to be off) and gave me a project that kept me there an hour late 🙃#had to make my job stressful all the way up to the very end#yesterday he sent a message saying i was the rock they all depend on and it’ll be difficult if not impossible to fill my shoes#which is nice and all but why didn’t he SHOW his appreciation while i worked there lol#instead of overworking me and passing me over for promotions#i haven’t even gotten a raise in a year and i’m pretty sure the last one was nine cents#anyway#i’m freeeee#came home ready to celebrate but my dad’s mad at me so now i’m eating alone lol#also i see miles joined am for 505 ajsskdjej i’ll catch up on that momentarily#truly an emotional roller coaster of a day
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Let me cook, I’m onto something I’m sure of it
#SCII#Portal#Shitpost#Meme#Lol#Characters that I 💖💕💝💞❤️ and speak A Specific Way#I definitely blame writing GLaDOS' dialogue in a pixely font for how it reminded me of ZEX-but-mean but I mean??#Is this anything this feels like Something#Also ''concise'' doesn't quite feel like the right word - I feel like you can be concise and eloquent at the same time#Rather that to be concise requires a bit of eloquence - the correct word choice conveys the meaning precisely!#Could probably make this a cube with like outright flirtatiousness vs. emotional shielding but there's gotta be a better way to sum that up#Doubly also I feel like I would describe ZEX as ''inviting'' - he is nice but hmm it feels like a simplistic way to describe him#GLaD is very mean tho and I love that about her <3
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What up I'm married to a tall person who is basically Milo Thatch but agender, and uhhh, basically, yeah, everyone should be jealous and I LOVE MY CUTE TWINK NERD WIFE!!!!! 😤😤🥰🥰🥰❤❤❤👌👌
#original#i love my wife#had a big crush on that character growing up#you know who else is really into her? EVERY OTHER CHUBBY TRANS GUY IN CHICAGO apparently we just see her and are like OH HELL YEAH#do you know why this is? it is because we have excellent taste that is why.#and also we want non threatening masc people to be into us and respect our gender! that's me anyway#and this is excellent news for her anyway bc we're in an open relationship & she thinks guys like me (her HUSBAND 🥰😁) are incredibly hot#this is also bc she has excellent taste.#but it is a running joke that she keeps getting nice OKC matches that look a lot like me 😂#anyway this post is a thing that would have made young me BOIL with envy if someone else said it but in fact it is ME#and young me grew into me and is in here like AAWWWWWWW YYYEEEEEEEEAAAHHHHH 🤘🤘🤘🤘🚀🚀🚀#she doesn't just look like Milo she also moves and emotes and talks like him. and until recently her glasses would not stay on her face!#she got new ones. nerd. i adore her.#she is so kind to Jack (me) and to my giant anxious pitbull child#she puts his blankie on him as he rests on her toes to make sure she doesn't go anywhere 😭😭❤#she is my best friend and she never makes me feel stupid or fake or undeserving. she just likes me so much and she fkn acts like it!#and we have good boundaries and communication in a very autistic way [positive] and she is so smart and funnyyy#oh i am falling asleep now#probably has something to do with how thinking about my wife makes me feel safe and warm or some gay shit like that 🙄 ;)#edit: omg it just occurred to me that she is like 80% Mill and 20% Jessica Jones. just in terms of like. vibes. XD#she cares a lot about Jessica Jones. I will tell her my findings in the morrow#*80% Milo
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Feel like one of the best ways you can convince someone that no, villains with compelling motives that have sad backstories are not terrible writing compared to straight up born evil villains who just want to kill everyone and be done with it, is to tell them that Warrior Cats writes born evil villains constantly while literally preaching “That’s how evil works, you can’t CHANGE, you’re either touched by demons at birth or you aren’t!” and it blows chunks
#brokenstar tigerstar hawkfrost darktail one eye etc etc would all be so much more interesting if they werent so one note#and just had ‘’born evil’’ slapped on as their explanation for being evil#‘’ew why are you woobifying tigerstar’’ because i think a villain who feels emotion besides ‘’evil’’ and ‘’angry’’ and actually does care#about his clanmates but is also a bigot that deserves to be beaten down is more interesting than canon#to get like real world political here… abusive people and bigots like. are not one note born evil demons#they have loved ones and reasons for turning out the way they did. and im not saying that to go ‘’so you need to give them grace!’’#im saying that because the line of thinking that every bad person is a super obvious mustache twirling villain with no soul#makes it so that people justify abuse and crimes from REAL people. like ‘’oh my friend says some racist things but he isnt BAD! he loves me!#would an abusive person be nice to his wife in public? of course not!’’#and its rhetoric like that that lets abuse and bigotry thrive. if you put the world in categories of born evil and born good#then you will dismiss all the ‘’good’’ people in your life who have done horrible things with ‘’but she donated to charity once’’#i mean. hell this LITERALLY happens in wc where the ‘’born good’’ characters are abusive and murderously xenophobic#where characters like clear sky and blackstar just get a sticker like ‘’oh you cant be TOO mad at them! theyre good at heart!’’#‘’ignore all the times they killed vulnerable people for the crime of being born somewhere they didnt like! they were nice to a kid once!’’#the message there is literally ‘’bad people cant REALLY be bad if theyre nice to people sometimes’’#like. im not even mad at clear sky being motivated by witnessing his loved ones starve to death for why hes such an abusive control freak#thats an interesting reason to become a villain especially since the change happened when he was put in a position of power#the problem is not him having a sad backstory. the problem is the erins think his sad backstory means he was never that bad#and anyone who’s upset at him can go eat shit and die cause he looked sad#like. i get this line of thinking often comes from writers doing this for abuse apologism and just wanting to see abusers be held accountabl#accountable#but how exactly does it help victims of abuse to portray abusers and bigots in a christian ‘’touched by the devil’’ light
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kinda tired of all these parent redemption arcs tbh. give chimney a gun
#911 spoilers#hey dont mind me im just casually popping in 👋🏼#but yeah anyway#eddie and ramon last season felt natural/organic but buck and chim in this one felt kinda forced#like im sorry but didnt the buckleys stop going to therapy with him?#youre gonna tell me that 30 years of emotional neglect has been resolved?? like. no lol#the ending was sweet but also. idk. contrived? that might not be the right word#and CHIMNEY#i have NEVER seen mr. han smile. not once. he was cold/distant with albert too but now all of a sudden theres a baby named after his dead#dead first wife and hes sitting on the floor playing?? making faces?? pop pop is funny???#it just doesnt seem realistic to me. like at all#plus everyone else putting the pressure on chim to reach out and fix things is bullshit#hen was so against him meeting with tatiana again. i feel like she was way too nice about it last ep#yeah its fine to encourage a talk for chim to get everything off his chest but like if it was me? if this was my friend?#idk maybe im a bad person but i wouldve used harsher language than that lol#'maybe its about what you need to say' turns into 'call him out! confront him! let him see what hes done to you! make him take responsibili#*responsibility!'#also didnt like that he wound up having the talk with his stepmom instead of the party actually involved#and maybe im remembering wrong but didnt his first marriage end bc his wife died?? he considers that a personal failure?#ANYWAY#all this to say: it is not the children's responsibility to reach out and reconcile with their parents. stop trying to make chim feel bad f#for being kinda aloof with the guy who literally abandoned him in a foreign country#god my thumbs hurt. im not used to this#chimney my beloved 💖#i think thats the tag. its been a while
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one of the best lines I’ve ever written is “[harrison’s] not wise. he never wants to be again” in ch. 2 of BODY BACK like holy actual cow the level of self-awareness there & the pain there & the anger there & the jadedness there & the vulnerability there & the heartbreak there & the desperation there & the sadness there & the longing there & the certainty there & the hurt there & the—
#like idk I could pick apart what this one line means to him at this moment when it’s stated#it’s quite literally the thesis of this book—Harrison’s EMOTIONAL thesis#like he spent ALLLL of moth work doing the ‘right’ thing#Lonan can’t be in his father’s cabin because of his history there???#all good they’ll sleep in a tent#Lonan is actually ready to enter his father’s cabin when he’s just alone with Harrison?#nice let’s go in#Lonan just wants to hold him in the bathroom??#great he’ll be held#Lonan thinks he sees the ghost of his father???#all good let’s leave the cabin for good it’s clearly making things worse#Lonan can’t handle being in Oregon anymore??#totally fine let’s drive him solo across the country all the way to home#WHOLE BOOK PROGRESSES like that — Lonan having needs and harrison dropping his#entire life to provide them#this man who I love very much but is struggling to accept himself and therefore me??#all good I can take that#this man continues to hurt me because he himself is so hurt he doesn’t even know how to handle himself???#I can carry that#for all intents and purposes Harrison’s trying to do the right thing in MW#AND IT DOESNT WORK!!!!!#I think so much of body back is Harrison trying so hard to forget that man#not Lonan no but the version of himself#who loved Lonan at all#because if he remembers that person he’ll remember how much the love he gave didn’t seem to matter#and this line in BB I think is the only moment we see MW Harrison peak through#he’s sooooo vulnerable there—he knows he was once ‘wise’ in doing all the right things for Lonan#he also knows none of that matters because lonan’s not here#& he cannot handle that at all << ok tag essay over#btw this entire thing inspired me to create a new podcast lmaooo y’all heard it here first folks!!!
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