What is Quiet BPD?

Although not currently list in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), Quiet Borderline Personality Disorder is recognized as a subcategory of Borderline Personality Disorder. Quiet BPD is an internalized disorder, while BPD is an externalized disorder.

So what is the difference? Someone with Quiet BPD will "implode" rather than someone with BPD, who will "explode". Someone with Quiet BPD feels all the same emotions that a person with BPD would, but they internalize the emotions and feelings, masking it as best they can, and take the hurt out on themselves rather than lashing out as other like someone with BPD would. A person with Quiet BPD can, on a surface level, appear calm, successful, and or even happy. However, below surface level they can be plagued with deep fears of abandonment, toxic shame, and sever anxiety of conflicts.

For the reason that someone with Quiet BPD masks these symptoms so well, mental health professionals can often misdiagnose, or completely over-look, this disorder.

What are some signs and symptoms of Quiet BPD?

Calm demeanor on the outside even when suffering from extreme pain on the inside.

Extreme mood swings that seem to come from nowhere.

Hiding anger, sometimes to the point you don't know it when you are angry.

Tendency to blame yourself for things even when they are not your fault.

When relationships end or conflicts arise, you immediately assume you did something wrong.

Outward image that appears 'normal', calm and successful.

Feeling like there is something defective about you.

Mentally retreating and can become dissociated when stressed.

Continuous feelings of being empty or numb.

When someone upsets you, instead of seeking clarification or confronting them, you immediately withdraw and may end the relationship without speaking to the person.

You feel that you are a burden on others.

It is believed that people who develop Quiet BPD do it in the response to their early caregivers teaching them that seeking connection from the outside was pointless, or could even be dangerous in some cases.

Do you think you could do a post about Quiet Borderline (the similarities/differences, how it comes about, etc)?

I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to respond, but I'm working on your request as we speak! You'll see the post up soon, thank you for the message :)

What is splitting?

Splitting is described as the inability for a person to hold opposing thoughts, feelings, or beliefs. Essentially seeing the world in Black and White, good or evil, all or nothing. 

Splitting is considered a defense mechanism, in the likeness that a person with BPD will use it to view people, events, and even themselves in black or white standards. Splitting can allow them to readily distance or cut off themselves from things they’ve labeled “bad” while simultaneously using it to embrace and latch on to things they’ve deemed “good”, even if these things can be considered harmful or risky. 

Can splitting be harmful to relationships? Absolutely. Splitting can be very difficult for both parties to handle, for the reason that splitting can come on quickly with little to no reason, and it can result in going back and forth on views of the matter from moment to moment, with no middle ground for discussion. People who split are often viewed as overly dramatic or overwrought. From an outside perspective, this behavior can be very exhausting. 

What are some examples of splitting?

Opportunities can either have "no risk" or be a "complete con"

People can either be "evil" and "crooked" or "angels" and "perfect"

Science, history, or news is either a "complete fact" or a "complete lie"

Things are either "always" or "never"

When things go wrong, a person will feel "cheated," "ruined," or "screwed

@borderline-and-languages

Of course! Also sorry I realized I responded through my main account vs. my BPD account ahah hopefully that wasn't too confusing either. But yes forgetting your own age is the first sign to look out for!

If you have any more questions feel free to send me a private message or send me an ask through my page! Sometimes it takes me a few days to respond but I always do :)

Much love ❤

Age Regression and BPD

A common, yet normally not talked about, symptom of BPD is age regression.

What is age regression? Why does it happen?

Sigmund Freud believed age regression was an unconscious defense mechanism. It was a way the ego could protect itself from trauma, stress, or anger (this is subjective in theory though– this will be discussed later). Various things can occur when you age regress. Some people may only regress a few years back from their current age (for example, someone who is 25 may age regress to 22), while some can age regress as far as infancy, taking on more childlike behaviors such as thumb sucking or whining. 

It’s important to note as well that BPD is not the only mental disorder that can have age regression symptoms attached to it. Other disorders include:

Schizophrenia 

Dissociative Personality Disorder (once known as Multiple Personality)

Schizoaffective Disorder 

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder 

Major Depressive Disorder

Dementia

Age regression can be triggered for a variety of different reasons. The person who is regressing, also known as age sliding, can find themselves in a stressful situation that involves them making adult decisions and, to escape the stress, will regress to a younger age where they hold the memory of being safe and stress free. Some people who are under a great deal of pain or distress will age regress to cope with anxiety or fear. And some people are “triggered” (a response caused by a particular action, process, or situation) when they come face to face with distressing memories or triggers. Some people are able to willingly age regress to escape stress, while most people who are triggered do it subconsciously. 

@3dprintedheart​

First off, thank you for the submission! I hope you don’t mind that I went ahead and posted it. This is also the only way I could see to really reply to what you’re saying so hopefully this finds you well! I feel like what you’re really going through is a classic BPD mentality. Where we become so easily suspicious of anything and everything that could have or, in fact, did help us at one point. I speak for myself, but I believe many others will chime in and agree, what you’re feeling is not uncommon, and absolutely not unheard of. COVID has f*cked up a lot of things for everyone, and especially for people suffering from BPD because in all honesty, it doesn’t take much to throw us off balance. There’s so much fear and uncertainty and stress with this disease, that even someone with a normal healthy brain would be thrown off kilter, much less someone who struggles with BPD. I, myself, have found that I’m drowning in a pool of uncertainty at least a few days a week, and I’m really struggling to keep a grasp on things that once came effortlessly. These past few weeks have been especially the hardest on me. I’ve flipped through deep bouts of sever depression (something that hasn’t been an issue for a very long time), I’ve been age regressing more and more (the other day I couldn’t remember my own age and had to physically do the math to remember, and on many occasions believed I was a teenager still and was shocked to find I’m actually closer to 30 now). My anger has spiked on many occasions where I had once taken on a much more zen lifestyle, and I’e been prone to disassociating and going through heavy bouts of derealization.

Basically what I’m getting at, is that you’re not alone. COVID is difficult for people like us where we NEED a sense of stability and grounding to keep us well.. grounded. The best thing I have been able to do for myself is just.. Start being more selfish. Telling people when I need something, how I need it (without pushing boundaries and being selfish or demanding might I add) and when I just flat out need help and support. I’ve begun doing things for myself, simple things really: Listening to audiobooks when I’m alone, reading before I sleep, I’ve taken up running as a new hobby, something that works my mind and body (because f*ck I really hate running but it’s a mind over body or vice versa in some cases).

What I think it really boils down to is this.. In your mind, you know that DBT was beneficial to you, that you saw changes and it helped. But maybe a part of you wants more than that, wants a better result with a different tactic and therefore your mind is fighting you, making you want to believe it’s ridiculous. (Granted, this is all just my opinion based off the small piece you wrote to me so I could be wildly off base here).

Just know, that no matter what, you can always reach out to me, someone who faces the same challenges and struggles (give or take).

I have a BPD diagnosis and I’ve been through 2 rounds of DBT. I have basically worshipped it as it has been so helpful. BUT, in a (not surprising) turn of events. I’ve been super not coping with covid and have basically split on DBT and any belief that it has been helpful? I have changed my mindset from “this was super helpful” to “why did I need behaviour management, is it because I needed to be subdued and taken as more palatable by others?” it’s challenging because I’m also a nurse so I literally KNOW the pros of DBT because I studied them, but I also experience first hand the symptoms of BPD and I’m so averted to the idea of it having ever helped me. I guess I’m just shouting into the void for validation or if anyone can relate in anyways or anything. I have a lot of people in my life who love and support me but nobody who understands fully what I’m going through.

I have a BPD diagnosis and I’ve been through 2 rounds of DBT. I have basically worshipped it as it has been so helpful. BUT, in a (not surprising) turn of events. I’ve been super not coping with covid and have basically split on DBT and any belief that it has been helpful? I have changed my mindset from “this was super helpful” to “why did I need behaviour management, is it because I needed to be subdued and taken as more palatable by others?” it’s challenging because I’m also a nurse so I literally KNOW the pros of DBT because I studied them, but I also experience first hand the symptoms of BPD and I’m so averted to the idea of it having ever helped me. I guess I’m just shouting into the void for validation or if anyone can relate in anyways or anything. I have a lot of people in my life who love and support me but nobody who understands fully what I’m going through.

Hypersexuality and sexual repulsion in BPD

Hypersexuality, also known as compulsive sexual behavior disorder, is defined as a dysfunctional preoccupation with sexual fantasy, often in combination with the obsessive pursuit of casual or non-intimate sex; pornography; compulsive masturbation; romantic intensity and objectified partner sex for a period of at least six months.

Sexual repulsion, also known as sexual aversion, is defined as when all or some aspects of sexual activity feel repulsive. These feelings are associated with feelings of disgust, humiliation, shame, and low self esteem.

A person living with BPD can frequently experience both sides of this disorder. The real concern is being able to tell when Hypersexuality is becoming a real concern, or if it’s simply a “high sex drive”. 

When should you seek treatment for your high sex drive, or believe you have a compulsive sexual behavior disorder? Below is a list of symptoms that should extend over a period of 6 months:

Have recurrent, intense sexual fantasies, urges, and/or behaviors

The behaviors consistently interfere with other activities and obligations

Behaviors occur in response to dysphoric mood states (anxiety, depression, boredom, irritability) or stressful life events

Engage in consistent but unsuccessful efforts to control or reduce sexual fantasies, urges, or behaviors

Engage in sexual behaviors while disregarding the potential for physical or emotional harm to self or others

The frequency or intensity of sexual fantasies, urges, or behaviors cause significant distress or impairment

Currently there is no significant link to the causes of hypersexuality, some speculate that it is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, others believe that a person with BPD uses it as a coping and or bonding mechanism to feel closer and or more attached to the FP (favorite person), or partner. 

I would like to note that sex is a very normal and healthy part of life. There is nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to having a high sex drive, as long as you are not causing harm to yourself or others. 

Now on the other side of the coin, we have sexual repulsion or sexual aversion. Sexual aversion represents a much stronger dislike of and active avoidance of sexual activity. Sexual aversion disorder is characterized not only by a lack of desire, but also by fear, revulsion, disgust, or similar emotions when the person with the disorder engages in genital contact with a partner. The aversion may take a number of different forms; it may be related to specific aspects of sexual intercourse, such as the sight of the partner's genitals or the smell of his or her body secretions, but it may include kissing, hugging, and petting as well as intercourse itself. In some cases the person with sexual aversion disorder avoids any form of sexual contact; others, however, are not upset by kissing and caressing, and are able to proceed normally until genital contact occurs.

There are a number of causes of sexual aversion disorder. The most common causes are interpersonal problems and traumatic experiences. Interpersonal problems generally cause situation-specific sexual aversion disorder, in which the symptoms occur only with a specific partner or under certain conditions. In such cases, underlying tension or discontent with the relationship is often the cause. Reasons for unhappiness with the relationship may include the discovery of marital infidelity; major disagreements over children, money, and family roles; domestic violence; lack of personal hygiene on the partner's side; or similar problems.

Traumatic experiences have also been found to cause sexual aversion disorder, often of the generalized variety. Some possible traumas include rape, incest, molestation, or other forms of sexual abuse. The patient then associates intercourse with a painful experience or memory, possibly one that he or she is trying to forget. Sexual aversion disorder may also be caused by religious or cultural teachings that associate sexual activity with excessive feelings of guilt.

I’ve passed 100 followers!

Wow this is incredible guys, thank you so much for the support and love that you have been showing me. I started this blog just as a means to help better understand BPD for myself, as well as educate others in the process. Also as a bit of self therapy to just, get it all out! It’s been a while since I’ve really posted anything, but I do have a few more pieces to write about brewing in my mind. 

As always, if there is something you would like to learn more about or see me touch on, feel free to let me know! My inbox is always open to questions, comments, hopes and aspirations. 

Thank you all again for the love and support!

this really hit me and I thought it was worth sharing

Hi, I was wondering if you have any advice for living with a family member who has bpd? My little sister fits the diagnosis, but she doesn't want to claim the diagnosis because she thinks she's going to grow out of it. I mostly want advice on how to respond to her rejection sensitivity? She feels rejected over the smallest thing and she immediately acts angry about it. What's the best way to respond to this? I want her to be able to be in a good mood and not have it derailed so easily.

Hi there! Thanks for reaching out to me. First and foremost I want to put it out there that your sister should be seeking medical advice from a trained professional, such as a therapist who can give her excellent coping skills, but should also get an actual diagnosis from a doctor. However I do know that not everyone is in a position where they can do that, and there’s nothing wrong with that. So, with that being said I will do everything I can to help answer your question!

It’s really wonderful of you to want to help your sister so much, and to go out of your way to try and help her through this. Rejection is hard, for anyone. The key thing to keep in mind is that someone suffering with BPD feels things on a much grander scale than someone without. So, things like rejection can be absolutely devastating. The number one reason why people fear and feel rejection so personally and so deeply, is low self esteem. We think of ourselves poorly, and the more poorly we think of ourselves, the less apt we are to believe anyone else around us thinks anymore highly. So, take someone with BPD. Remember what I said about feeling things so deeply? Here’s one of them. Imagine your lowest low, you’re looking for something to hold onto, something to pull you back up, instead you get a kick in the face. That’s what rejection feels like. Now someone without BPD could chalk it up to “oh it’s just a bad day, a bad moment, I’ll get through this.” Someone with BPD, they tend to fixate, to hold onto that pain and feel it so intensely.. And suddenly they’re spiraling. Their mood has gone from great to terrible in 2 seconds flat. So what can you do about it?

Build her back up. Boost her self esteem. Every time you hear her give herself a put down, give her 3 “put ups”. Work with her to change her language (I have a post all about changing language on my page), so instead of saying “Well I suck..” Have her say “That didn’t go the way I wanted it to, but that’s okay because I can try again or try something different.”

The final thing I’ll touch on is the matter of her not wanting to accept a diagnosis and believing she’ll grow out of it. As long as she refuses a diagnosis, and as long as she believes she’ll grow out of it, there’s not much you can do to change her mind. Things like this are the type of thing she has to take on by herself. Like the saying says “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t force it to drink.” Instead, be her support system. Be there for her as much as and whenever you can. Continue to build her up and continue to raise her self esteem. It may seem awkward at first, but one compliment a day can truly change the way a person sees themselves. It could be as simple as “You smell really nice, is that a new perfume?” Or “That shirt looks great on you!” or even “I love your smile. It lights up a room.”

There may come a day when she decides to seek help for herself, there may never be a day she does. Until then, love her, be there for her. For as much as it’s hard on your to witness, imagine being her.

Thank you again for the question, good luck, and keep me posted on what happens going forward!

FP- What it is, what it means, and how it affects Relationships (with tips to help)

If you know someone, or are someone, who suffers from BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), at some point you’ve probably heard the term FP. But what is it? FP stands for “Favorite Person (attachment)”. The common misconception when someone outside of the BPD community hears about FP, is that of “Oh, so like your best friend?” Not exactly. An FP can be a close friend, your significant other, a parent. The difference between an FP and a best friend is that, a best friend is someone that you love and enjoy spending time with. An FP is a person that you have an emotional attachment or dependency on emotionally, and based on their reactions or actions, can make or break your entire day.

The problem with having an FP in the BPD community, is that the smallest shift can cause an episode. An offhand comment, a change in tone of voice, different body language, are all enough to cause a person with BPD to spiral. There is no real subtle shift in emotion, it’s generally only switches from one extreme to the other. “When I’m with you, I’m the happiest person in the world. But.. when you said you loved me, you said it kinda quickly and it didn’t feel like you really meant it.. and now I’m curled up on the floor sobbing because it feels like you don’t love me anymore.” Or, “We were playing around and I was goofing off and super happy, then all of a sudden you got serious with me and said ‘enough, cut it out.’ and it felt like a hot knife in my heart.”

A person with BPD will idolize and look up to their FP, but it can also go to extremes. They can begin to image and make up a persona for their FP, making them into the perfect person, the perfect match for what you need. So when this person doesn’t fit the mold anymore, it can be very traumatic. 

This can also lead to heavy dependency on their FP, that something as simple as them leaving for work, to hang out with other people, or just simply being away, can be painful for a person with BPD. They will begin to pick fights, nitpick, and excessively apologize in attempts to convince their FP to stay with them.

So now you’re probably asking, how is it possible to have a serious, healthy relationship when you develop this FP attachment? It sounds toxic, and harmful to any sort of relationship..

1. Pay attention to the give and take of your relationships. One of the most important aspects of satisfying relationships is finding a balance. A good way to check the balance is paying attention to what each person is putting in vs. what they are getting out of it.

2. Ask yourself mindful questions. Practicing mindfulness about your actions is an important aspect of satisfaction in relationships. 

Am I only calling this person in crisis?

Am I using this person to balance my mood and behavior — things I should do on my own?

Am I relying on them more than they’re relying on me?

It’s recommended to keep “shared enjoyment of the world” in mind. Asking yourself from time to time if you are focusing on doing things you both enjoy can help keep the relationship balanced.

3. Think about your intensity. Experiencing emotions more intensely than others is something many people with BPD struggle with. This kind of emotional intensity is “like having your favorite song set on the volume of 11. Nobody likes their favorite thing when it’s too loud, too intense, too strong.”

Modulating intensity is key when thinking about a relationship with a favorite person. “Instead of ‘I love you with the passion of a thousand fiery suns’ it might be nice to do a small gesture.

Small gestures are a great way to express you care for someone without being emotionally overwhelming. Expressing things in a toned down way, not because you care less but because it’s like playing a song at just the right volume. 4. Cultivate a broad spectrum of relationships in your life. A great relationship practice for people with BPD is cultivating a spectrum of types of relationships you have in your life. It’s important to remember, “some friends are your best friends forever, some people are meant to be occasional friends.” Practicing small talk as an easy way to gain acquaintance relationships in your life. For example, if a co-worker or the mailman asks how you are or what you did on the weekend, replying with a short synopsis that isn’t a full account is an easy way to modulate intensity.

It's been brought to my attention that 'anonymous' asks was turned off on my blog. This has now been fixed! If you need to reach out to me, my DM is also open to private messages, or if you have a question you can now ask anonymously!

Hey, just wanted to say that a lot of your posts resonate with how I feel, what I go through. I'm only at the very beginning of my journey though, so there's still a lot I have to work on and come to terms with in the first place, but I'm grateful for the posts you've shared x

I'm so glad you've found my blog helpful! And thank you for reaching out to me, your support means the world to me. If you have any questions or you'd like me to hit on a certain topic let me know! I'm always open to suggestions :)

I never thought I would gain so many followers so quickly.. But.. Hello everyone! Thank you for following along and helping me bring awareness to this sensitive topic! I'm looking to post some new topics soon, but I wanted to reach out to  y'all and say, my ask box is open and I'd love to hear what you all would like to see in my coming posts. What's something you want to learn about, or have recognized? Send me a message, tell me what you'd like to know, and I may post it!  Once again, thank you all so much, and I hope you continue to enjoy what I write here!

hi! i have bpd n my gf n i have been together for 2 years. for a long time i wasn’t over my ex fp but i’m finally at a place where it doesn’t bother me anymore. but recently, i’ve been splitting on her a lot more n rlly dramatically + my jealously has gotten debilitating. i realized that she’s becoming my new fp and that’s rlly scary bc we have a really good, healthy relationship and i don’t want to ruin it. do u have any idea how i can lessen the fp attachment?

Hi there! Sorry it’s taken me so long to respond, I went through a lot of rather emotional times and needed a break from the internet. However I’m back and good as new! 

So, on the topic of your girlfriend now. It’s actually very common for someone with BPD to have various levels of co-dependency or attachments, especially with their significant other. This is one of the biggest contributing factors to relationships having strain on them or failing, mostly because the other person can’t handle that level of dependency. Having BPD, and having been through exactly what you’re facing, I know first hand how damaging it can be. First and foremost I highly recommend Therapy. A therapist can give you amazing coping skills and different tools to help push you past these feelings of attachment and jealousy. 

However if you cannot afford therapy, this is what I suggest. First, realize the root cause of the jealousy. Jealousy is generally brought about because of a few different factors such as: You’re own insecurities unconsciously surfacing. Your fear of abandonment or losing your signification other/FP. Or, most commonly, there’s a lack of trust. Having BPD, trust is a very hard thing for us to hold onto, especially with the level of doubt and hard emotions we face on a daily basis. 

I recommend talking to your girlfriend about your insecurities and making sure she’s well read up BPD and what it entails. The more she personally knows about the illness, the better she can help you in the long run.

The next step you want to take is finding your independence. Something that really helped me when I was struggling with attachment was I would, each weekend or day off I had, scope out a new coffee shop, bookstore, museum, beach, mall (things that cater to YOUR interests), and just go! All by myself. I would dictate how my day would go from there, what I did, what I would see. I would even go to the movies completely alone (it’s actually not as awkward as you think, and very therapeutic!) If you’re low on money, or you don’t have means of transportation, find free activities like the beach, free museums, or just go for a walk down your street. The important thing to keep in mind, is go alone. Find yourself, do something for yourself. Then come home and tell your significant other about your day! 

Keep in mind, however, that as your building your own independence, that does not mean you should put up a wall between you and your girlfriend. Find activities that you two can bond over and share. Have it be “us time”, like playing a video game, or watching a specific show. Cook dinner together, go for a walk, discuss things. This way, you are still finding your own independence, while steadily detaching from her but still keeping a healthy relationship. Let me know if this advice helps you, and please do keep me updated on your progress! 

Thanks for the question <3 

The Author is having a bad mental health day.

Just a small reminder to reach out to your friends who struggle with mental health and tell them they're loved, that you are there for them, and that they are not alone.