Positive of very heavy derealization: I can rewatch all the madela catalogue videos without getting scared cause *nothing is real I'm not real can't get scared if I don't exist*

Feel this.

.

cluster b culture is wow i’m so much more stable on meds. this is boring. can i go back to being a dysfunctional freak

.

I could die so easily right now, in this moment

"I Don't Want You. All you want is constant comfort and happy, and I can't do that anymore. I. Don't. Want you right now."

Can't stop thinking about how it's so easy for them to not talk to me, yet I become physically ill at even the idea of not having them around

I have a new FP. I feel like I'm dying. It's been so long since I've genuinely split on someone, I forgot how much it hurts. I'm so angry. The switch in my head that flips was so covered in cobwebs and spiders it's now hard to turn back off. He lead me on; for three days he let me believe he would give me the love attention I was so desperate for. Then, all of a sudden, he's too high and mighty for me. "We need to be healthy," he said. We were healthy, until you brought it up. This is your fault. Now everything is different and I'm angry. I'm angry at YOU for what YOU did. Fuck you. You ruined this for me.

I was wondering…

Is it normal for somebody with BPD to be in a great stable relationship and one moment loving the bones off person they’re with and the next day they feel like they want to be single and experience life in a whole other way again?

I’m really struggling right now..

Hi, I’m sorry it took me so long to respond.

Mood swings, pertaining to BPD, are very common. In personal experience, my brain gets very tired of the routine that comes with being in a relationship. The want to break the routine and, like you said, experience life in a whole other way is often something I dealt with. The swing between being enthralled in the person to wanting to ditch everything is something that I’ve heard from other people who deal with BPD.

As always, I only speak from personal experience and will never try to diagnose or give a “fact” label on anything I answer.

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, but know you’re not alone. I believe in you. Truly, I do.

He won’t leave me.

I haven’t seen him in months, but he won’t leave me.

The songs I sing, the clothes I wear, the games I play, he’s tainted them. They’ve become an extension of his, as if he made them specifically for me.

And I hate him for it.

The chills that rattle me when I think of the course you made me run.

I was obsessed with you, utterly incapacitated at the thought of your gaze, let alone your touch.

But as the days turned to weeks, weeks to months, months to years, my body caught wind of what my mind couldn't handle.

My mouth would sing a stream of elation, while my limbs turned cold and my eyes betraying my words. The messages I sent were confusing, making even my closest friends question the sincerity of my actions.

Yet no one did a thing.

Flag after flag, you took advantage of my colorblindness, hiding their scents behind your actionless threats of your own life. You grasped at me for whatever reason, and as my body recoiled from your crimes, my words would rock you to sleep, far from the troubles that we're plaguing your vision of me.

I was a goddess on a pedestal I never asked to be on. You stood to the side, singing hymns of me to anyone who would listen, dampening my cries for relief and safety. The moment your savior did something human, she was suddenly the demon who lay in the corner of your mind.

What started out as a sweet beginning slowly rotted away inside. But neither party would hear of the sins the other had committed, until you locked your angel away. You left her in a cage you designed, only coming to feed her when she was on the brink of death.

Because you enjoyed the feeling of her desperation. Her need for you and only you.

dude you got me through having to deal with a really fucking unfair situation you can take whatever break you need.

welcome back my guy.

You have no idea how warm this makes me feel.

Thanks for sticking with me all this time.

Feels good to be back.

Hi guys.

Hey. Soooo, it's be a good minute. I just kind of disappeared, not just from tumblr.

I've been hiding from a lot of things and, only recently, got myself back together enough to start showing myself to the public again.

Between an incredibly abusive relationship, to being trapped in an apartment halfway across my state, to my symptoms getting worse with every passing day. It's been hell, something I'm still in the process of believing was real.

But, I'm back. For the most part.

I left a lot of really good friends behind, a community even. And for that I am sorry. I don't even know if people still know this account exists, other than the occasional reblog of something I posted nearly 4 years ago. I appreciate the love those posts are getting, I'm glad people are enjoying them.

I'm still very much dealing with a lot of the things I wrote about all those years ago, just with a different cast and setting. So I guess, as I cling to the remains of this dying account, I'm hoping it will give me the closure it gave to a naive girl all those years ago.

Hell, even if it doesn't, it'll still distract my mind from the things I'm not equipped to deal with right now.

So if you're reading this, welcome. If you're still somehow here, welcome back. It's good to see you again. I hope the poetry and split filled words I post will bring you what I'm searching for in myself. Even if they don't, I hope you at least enjoy them.

I'm back.

is it normal for someone with bpd to never get over someone they love?

From personal experience, absolutely.

People with BPD love so fiercely and fall so hard that some never have the strength to get back up afterwards. They just kinda get used to the new low and continue surviving.

I had an FP about 3 years ago and I was insanely in love with him. I was obsessed with him for 3 years and I’m still not over him. He got engaged two days ago and I’ve been basically emotionless since.

It’s something that takes a lot of working through to be okay with but it’s possible to get over an FP.

People feel so different after they’ve lost hope...

Do I feel different?

Asks I will NOT answer:

“Hey I think I have BPD...” *list of symptoms* “...do I have it?”

“My therapist says I don’t have BPD but I’m certain I have it...”

“I’m (under 18) and...”

I am not a doctor. I do not feel comfortable answering these questions but I get them every single day. Please please PLEASE talk to a licensed professional if you have serious concerns about your mental health

Please know I’m not doing this out of malice. If I could help answer these questions, I absolutely would. But I am not comfortable nor qualified to answer these. I will help in any other way that I can

People look so different once you don’t care about them anymore

If you could fly away to a magical palace kinda like barbie pegasus, what theme would the palace have?

I honestly don’t even know 😅 my aesthetic fluctuates so much it’s not even funny. Sometimes I’m all happy rainbows and stuffed animals, but other times I’m a bad bitch with chains and black everything