bootleg-nessie
Bootleg Nessie
(This is the real one)Art and stuff: @name-brand-nessieFormerly great-value-nessie AuDHD | Professional shitposter | 196 refugee
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Where do cheetahs live? A den?
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We need to start reclaiming wealth from the boomers. Let’s all hang out at retirement homes and make friends with old people so they’ll cut us in on a share of their estate when they die
#Nessie on drugs#r/196#196#r/196archive#/r/196#rule#meme#memes#shitpost#shitposting#late stage capitalism#boomer#gen z
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Why are they called sociopaths and not “sentimentally challenged”
#Nessie on drugs#r/196#196#r/196archive#/r/196#rule#meme#memes#shitpost#shitposting#sociopath#psychology#psych
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Semen can be used as invisible ink because it glows under a black light. I like to call this “putting the cum in document”
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Reply to this post to get a free weevil in the mail
#Nessie on drugs#weevil#weevil posting#we evil#r/196#196#r/196archive#/r/196#rule#meme#memes#shitpost#shitposting#biology#insects
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Nobody believes me but I swear to god I saw Alex Baldwin literally fucking DECAPITATE a guy in real life for a movie he was making because he “needed it to look real.” Not just a dummy either, a living breathing human. He then had the on site paramedics rule it as an “accident.” Nobody fucking believes me when I tell them but I swear it’s the truth
#Nessie on drugs#journalism#Alec baldwin#r/196#196#r/196archive#/r/196#rule#meme#memes#shitpost#shitposting#seth Rogan#movies#movie#30 rock#Hayley Baldwin
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Collective amnesia is crazy. It’s almost like nobody remembers that time that Italy invaded Wisconsin to dismantle its counterfeit cheese market
#Nessie on drugs#history#true history#wisconsin#Italy#cheese#r/196#196#r/196archive#/r/196#rule#meme#memes#shitpost#shitposting#collective amnesia#unreality#spreading misinformation#me when i lie
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I bet I could eat a whole mattress if you gave me like a year
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Basically, the concept of a vegetable doesn’t exist outside of the culinary world. It’s a completely made up label that we loosely applied to a bunch of plants, which probably explains why everyone’s still arguing about whether or not a tomato is a fruit or a vegetable (I won’t get into semantics but it’s both). All “vegetables” are either fruits, roots, bulbs, stems, flowers, or leaves, and are not officially recognized by botanists
Not enough people know that vegetables are a human construct
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List of Extremely Cursed Knowledge
Having autism and ADHD is a blessing and a curse because on one hand, I’m basically a walking encyclopedia of random facts and information. On the other hand, a fair amount of that information is so fucked up that it’s not socially acceptable to share it with anyone. So naturally, I took every fucked up fact, every bit of twisted trivia, every bit of cursed knowledge that I could come up with off the top of my head and compiled it into one big list to post on the internet. Some of this information may permanently ruin your (you, the reader) perception of certain things. None of this information should have ever seen the light of day, and a fair amount of it was never, ever meant to be known by humans.
You cannot unlearn anything on this list. This is your chance to scroll past.
You have been warned.
\/ \/ \/
According to FDA standards, a jar of peanut butter is allowed to have up to seven (7) rat hairs before it’s considered unfit for human consumption. If it has 7 or less rat hairs it will still be sold in stores.
If I just ruined peanut butter for you, don’t google the FDA regulations on any other foods you enjoy.
Human teeth have 36 calories each.
The average human body has roughly 125,000 calories. This is actually relatively low, which makes cannibalism in humans generally unsustainable.
Human meat tastes like pork.
Penguins have been observed practicing necrophilia.
Dolphin vaginas secrete a substance that acts like an aphrodisiac on steroids. When scientists swabbed some of it on a chimpanzee’s penis, it masturbated so furiously that it had a heart attack and died.
Dolphins have been known to intentionally commit suicide if kept in poor conditions.
Scientists that work with cockroaches often become allergic due to exposure. Simultaneously, they also develop an allergy to chocolate and pre-ground coffee. Make of that what you will.
Dolphins have been observed masturbating using decapitated fish heads.
Dolphins have been observed getting high on pufferfish venom recreationally, sometimes even passing a pufferfish around like a joint.
There’s a LOT of rape across the entire animal kingdom. Like, a LOT. It’s especially prevalent in dolphins, otters, ducks, penguins, and primates, to name a few.
On a related note, female ducks have corkscrew shaped vaginas. Male ducks also have corkscrew shaped penises that measure in at a whopping eighteen inches.
The barnacle has the largest penis to body size ratio in the animal kingdom, with its penis being up to eight times as long as its body.
Chimpanzees have been observed using frogs as a fleshlight.
A disembodied human head weighs about 10-12 lbs and is balanced in such a way that requires you to use both hands to pick up.
Pigs will eat every single part of a corpse - including bones. In 2012 a farmer in Oregon was eaten by his pigs after having a heart attack and falling in their enclosure. This also makes pig pens a prime spot for dumping bodies.
A body will decompose faster if you fill the rectal cavity with yogurt before burying it
When burying a body, make sure to bury it in a heavily wooded area. If vegetation is too sparse and/or the body isn’t buried deep enough, it will be easily noticeable after a few months because plants will grow in much thicker directly above where the body was buried.
You cannot bury a body in sand, as sand is too porous. The smell will seep through and give away the location
The entire universe could theoretically exist as a false vacuum and collapse into nothingness at any moment without warning.
Any alien civilization advanced enough to detect life on earth is also probably advanced enough to destroy our entire planet almost immediately. At the peak of interstellar technology, the only limiting factor is the speed of light. If they decided to attack, we probably wouldn’t even know it was coming until the entire surface of the planet was already vaporized.
It takes three and a half rotations to fully detach a human head from its body.
Recently deceased bodies can experience rigor erectus, which translates to “death boner.” This is especially common in victims of hanging, as it’s primarily caused by trauma to the cerebellum or spinal cord.
There is an extremely real chance that you have unknowingly purchased a product that was made by modern day slaves at least once in your life. Coffee, cotton, fish, clothes, shoes, and technology are among the most vulnerable industries.
A decapitated head remains conscious for several seconds after separated from the body.
The entire koala population across Australia is currently undergoing a major chlamydia epidemic. It’s actually been extremely devastating for them and they’re currently facing the threat of extinction because of it.
#Nessie on drugs#unfun facts#audhd#cursed fact#cursed knowledge#cursed#wtf#biology#evolution#evolutionary biology#penguins#r/196#196#r/196archive#/r/196#rule#meme#memes#shitpost#shitposting#autism#actually audhd#adhd#actually autistic#actually adhd#evil autism#crime#criminology#true crime#fun facts
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Not enough people know that vegetables are a human construct
#not the medical kind#Nessie on drugs#biology#evolutionary biology#evolution#science#botany#cooking#cooking advice#cooking tips#vegetarian#vegan#vegetable#vegetables#r/196#196#r/196archive#/r/196#rule#meme#memes#shitpost#shitposting
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I’m finding it increasingly harder to become enthusiastic about anything when the entire world is collapsing around me
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If throwing bricks at cops is a crime then lock me up
#r/196#196#r/196archive#/r/196#rule#meme#memes#shitpost#shitposting#acab#cops#defund the cops#late stage capitalism#1312
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Rating the Accuracy of Animal Names:
(I keep updating this list so check back later)
Marine Iguana: 1/10. They don’t allow lizards in the military
Honey Badger: 1/10. It’s not even made out of honey
Horny toad: 0/10. First of all, this is a lizard. Second of all, I couldn’t find one that was willing to have sex with me so they must not actually be all that horny
Crabeater seal: 1/10. They don’t even eat crabs. Felt uncomfortable asking about the other kind but I’d guess probably not those either
Comb jellyfish: 4/10. Doesn’t even have hair
Hammerhead shark: 10/10. Stop killing hammerhead sharks to make hammers
Paper nautilus: 1/10. Paper would get too soggy
Red Panda: 2/10. Not a panda. More orange than red
Jellyfish: 0/10. Not even a fish, but if it were, jelly would be one of the worst things to be made out of
Electric eel: 5/10. Not an eel. Shocking, I know
Blue footed booby: 2/10. My disappointment is immeasurable. Turns out this lying sack of shit is a just a stupid BIRD
Spiny lumpsucker: 8/10. Apparently this fish is named because it has spines AND a suction cup, not because it sucks on spiny lumps
Pleasing fungus beetle: 2/10. Why would fungus be pleased by a beetle eating it? It just worked so hard to grow
Chicken turtle: 1/10. This is just a regular turtle, there are no chickens involved
Red lipped batfish: 8/10. Not a bat. Does have red lips. Also looks incredibly sexy with that makeup on
Aye aye: 10/10. Does in fact, have two eyes
Blobfish: 10/10 out of water, 1/10 in water. The blobfish gets a bad rap, it only looks like a blob because some dickhead pulled it out of its natural habitat at the bottom of the fucking ocean. You’d look pretty weird if you switched places with them too
Dik dik: 5/10 if male, 0/10 if female. This one’s pretty self explanatory
Mountain chicken: 0/10. THIS IS A FUCKING FROG. STOP NAMING ANIMALS AFTER CHICKENS!
Peacock: 0/10. It pees out of a cloaca, not a cock. Technically it doesn’t even pee either
Monarch butterfly 1/10. They aren’t even one of the species of insects that has a queen, let alone understands the concept of monarchism
Cockatiel: 0/10. They do not have teal cocks
Monkey slug caterpillars: 1/10. These are neither slugs nor monkeys, nor are they some kind of fucked up monkey/slug hybrid. Terrible name all around, the only part they got right was caterpillar
Robin: 5/10. It’s a shame this bird has to resort to thievery but we all have to put worms on the table somehow
Alligator snapping turtle: 1/10. This is not an alligator, nor does it even have the fingers to snap with
Ground squirrel: 5/10. Please don’t grind squirrels
Axolotl: 0/10. Doesn’t ask a lot. Doesn’t ask anything at all
Sea robin: 7/10 This is what happens when the land robin goes pro. This creepy fuck evolved little fingers just to steal things. Is this where fish fingers come from?
Tasmanian devil: 8/10. Much like the christian devil, cool name and way more chill than most people give them credit for. Statistically speaking, they’re far from the deadliest player on the board, but they do have the strongest bite force and won’t hesitate to use it if provoked
Water deer: 7/10. No. This is a meat deer
Star nosed mole: 7/10. Name is somewhat misleading, nose merely star shaped, and not a mass of incandescent gas, a gigantic nuclear furnace
Paddlefish: 3/10. Too narrow to effectively be used as a paddle
Shoebill stork: 1/10. Not made of real shoes. Doesn’t pay bills either
Great white shark: 8/10. I’m inclined to agree for the most part but who came up with the name, David Duke?
Bioko drill: 0/10. At least the hammerhead shark looks like a hammer, this stupid monkey doesn’t even remotely resemble a drill
Hippo Tang: 0/10. That’s a fish, and hippos don’t even drink Tang
Bluejay: 3/10. Not actually blue, it’s just a trick of the light. I bet their real name probably isn’t even Jay either
Satanic Nightjar: 4/10. Should be called “slightly evil looking bird” instead
Tarantula hawk wasp: 1/10. Not a tarantula. Not a hawk. Starting to question if it’s even a wasp
Goblin shark: 10/10? Ever seen their jaw move? They sure are gobblin’
Nudibranch: 5/10. The nude part is accurate but it’s a sea slug, not a tree branch. Not even sure how you could possibly make that mistake
Mongoose: 0/10. No mon, it’s not a goose
Bison: 7/10. I just googled it, bison have more gay sex than straight sex so calling them bi is actually pretty accurate. Points removed because there are bidaughters too
Ram: 10/10. They sure do!
Mandrill: 2/10. They could probably be taught to use drills but I couldn’t find any research on this
Silver fox: 1/10. Silver is way too heavy of an element for an animal to be made of
Mayfly: 9/10 Yeah, they might
Fin whale: 10/10. Yep, whales have fins. Glad we cleared that up
Macaroni penguin: 1/10. They don’t eat macaroni
Horseshoe crab: 0/10. Not a crab. Doesn’t wear horseshoes either
Fangtooth: 10/10. Objectively I have to give it a 10 but this is the stupidest fucking name on the whole list. What’s next, knucklefist? Titboob?
Milkfish 1/10. If I go to your house and you offer me fish milk I’m fucking leaving
Little penguin: 10/10. Telling it exactly like it is
Spider monkey: 1/10. Was expecting a monkey with 8 limbs. Let down once again
Glass frog: 2/10. Not actually made out of glass
Hummingbird: 1/10. They can’t even hum
Centipede: 3-35.4/10. Depends on the species, very few actually have 100 legs
Millipede: 0.8-8/10. They have 800 legs at the most
Sockeye salmon: 1/10. Socks would make terrible eyes
Furry lobster: 10/10, 11/10 if that’s a fursuit
Flying fish: 4/10. Merely glides
Sailfish: 3/10. Doesn’t actually know how to sail
Blanket octopus: 2/10. Octopuses make terrible blankets
Cane Toad: 2/10. Can walk just fine without a cane
#biology#evolutionary biology#evolution#science#animals#animal#r/196#196#r/196archive#/r/196#rule#meme#memes#shitpost#shitposting#Darwin#funny#lol#funny shit#funny content#funny memes#funny stuff#sharks
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Anyone ever notice how the “uwu why can’t we all just get along 🥺” people are the exact same people electing politicians literally taking away rights from underprivileged groups?
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“I got lobotomized at Claire’s” stfu no you didn’t, this trivializes lobotomies for those of us who ACTUALLY need them. Most of us had to get a backstreet lobotomy in an alley somewhere, stop diminishing our struggles
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The moon was invented by Big Eclipse to sell more eclipse glasses
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Life pro tip: Air conditioning not working? Need to cool down a room fast? Just take a block of dry ice and leave it out in a room on a table or dresser. The cold from the dry ice will lower the temperature of the surrounding area. This works best in closed spaces, so make sure to close any doors or windows to trap the cold in while the ice sublimates 👍
#life pro tips#life hack#life hacks#science#don’t actually do this#r/196#196#r/196archive#/r/196#rule#meme#memes#shitpost#shitposting
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