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xtrablak674 · 1 day

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Family Emergency

I heard this term mentioned on a podcast and I can say definitively that I have never been about that life. You need to have family to have an emergency. My mom has been dead for four decades, my father for three. I didn't even get a full decade with my mom before she died, and after I was estranged from my father we may have gotten roughly the same if I actually add up all the time I saw and spent time with him. Ten years of parenting does not a family make.

With my moms death her three children were scattered. I was sent off to my paternal grandparents in the Bronx, the two younger children went to Yonkers briefly before my mom's cousin couldn't deal with the youngest child's behavioral issues and had him removed from the home. All of this was the death knell to whatever family I had.

My grandparents covered the basics but were both emotionally aloof. Holidays were really an afterthought, we saw family but this paternal side of the family wasn't as familiar to me, my first cousins once removed were all a lot older than me, my father was their contemporary but I was his child, not one of their clan. I was the oldest child of the cousins but not old enough to be readily included. This was very different than my maternal first cousins, not at all removed but my contemporaries and younger, but they were left behind in my childhood city.

With my mom's death I went from being one of three kids, actually four if you include my much older brother. To basically a single-child in a household with two grandparents and one intellectually disabled uncle. Now my two great aunts were very present in my life primarily around my grandparents religious service and participation with their local place of worship. For a very long time I was very close to my middle great aunt her taking on the role of a maternal figure giving me the affection that her older sister didn't seem capable of or even interested in.

I grew up and left my grandparents house a bit abruptly being evicted while I was away at college. I have said this before but I always felt like a guest in my grandparents home, a large part due to the matriarch of the house, the patriarch largely deferring to her indomitable will.

I want you to understand there was no one with whom I had a clearly defined close relationship with, as to warrant being a point of contact in case of emergency. My grandparents had each other, their youngest son had them and more than likely they would call their siblings over me, if something came up. My siblings grew dependent on each other because they finished growing up within close proximity. I was more or less left on my own.

No one has been checking on me for my entire adult life. I have had friends in and out of my life who had some concern for my well-being, but that has been the outlier to the norm. It makes me think more and more about the planning of my estate and what exactly I am doing with the wealth I have accumulated. My first and intial instinct was to make allowance for the children, meaning the kids of my siblings. But more and more that is becoming less and less likely.

The older kids who now live on their own and in some cases have children of their own, whom I don't need the permission of their parents to interact with, have had very little contact with me. It seems silly for me to make provisions for children whom in my life gave little more than a damn for me. I think my wanting to was a residual expectation from my mom, who really did an amazing job of providing for her kids in the inevitability of her death.

But what I am realizing is these kids are not my kids, and I am being treated thus. Most of their feelings coloured by the adults in their life, not based on anything I have done or haven't done to them. For a few years I had tried my best to have contact with them, but the cost was too great. One set were adopted and the adoptive parents albeit mostly familial prevented me from further seeing the children. The second group of kids I stopped on my own because the unresolved anger, homophobia and hostile feelings from their parents was exhausting and was too steep a price to continue to have a relationship with their children at the cost of my own mental health and well-being.

The word family has become meaningless to me, and without the emotional connection to that word there can never been anything warranting the level of urgent, or an emergency for me. To an outsider not understanding the full context this may sound callous, but for me I have been an outsider to the word family for most of my adult life, I haven't really known another existence and even though my default is to continue to honor familial obligations, it seems that I am the only one operating on this premise, and frankly it no longer serves me. Fuck doing what is right, I need to do what is best for me, because at the end of the day I am the only one checking for me.

[Photo by Brown Estate]

#family emergency #family #dead parents #dead mom #orphan #grandparents #blended family #estrangement #familial obligations #mental health #homophobia #unresolved issues #only child #complicated relationships #complicated family dynamics

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xtrablak674 · 2 days

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#HeadWrapQueen

So it seems I haven't met a piece of fabric I don't like wrapped around my head!

[Photo by Brown Estate]

#head wrap #crown #king #queen #royalty #african aesthetic #black beauty #black royalty #fierce #slay #wrapped #erykah badu #baduism #eeny eyewear #warby parker #stylish #fashionista

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xtrablak674 · 3 days

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He often fantasizes about threesomes with himself, me and another man!

[Keen seemed to be a place you could post about your expertise on a topic and take emails or phone calls from folks. As I was wont to do I posted as a person who could help people if they may think they were gay.

What I love about reading my answer below is that I was not much older than some of my nieces and nephews are right now, and I gave this grown woman excellent advice on how to navigate a very tricky aspect of her marriage. I don't disagree with my past self at all, I thought the advice was empathetic, well thought out and thorough. I wouldn't change a word.

A quarter of a century later I do wonder how things ultimately turned out. Both of the people in this marriage clearly had queer affinities, I am wondering if their individual needs and fantasies overwhelmed the other benefits of their bond, and they ended up with other people. As I said then, sexuality is very complex and fluid, as is desire and longing. If you're desiring something that your partner can't necessarily provide that desire isn't going anywhere, it lingers unfulfilled. I truly hope they found a solution that worked for both of them and their marriage.]

This was my answer to an email I received at my keen account where I give advice on if you might think your gay or not www.keen.com/bboyblue32

Check out my answer below, there were some hard questions I think i did well. I have responded to your email within your original email.

Look below

> From: 'LeaGrrl'

> Date: Wed, 17 May 2000 16:26:05 -0700

> To: <[email protected]>

> Subject: Not sure if you're gay

> My husband and I have always had a healthy sex life. We have been

> married for a year and have been together for an overall 4 years. We

> have always been very open and willing to try different types of

> stimulation as long as we are within the confines of our monogamous

> relationship. Well, first of all, let me tell you that he is fully

> aware of my past, including the fact that I have had girlfriends. I

> don't necessarily consider myself bisexual due to the fact that he is

> the only person that I've had sex with in the past 4 years. While I

> am honest with him that I do still tend to look at women, he is fully

> aware that I would not cheat on him with anyone else, regardless of

> their gender.

This is wonderful you have this kind of openness in your relationship that you feel comfortable sharing this kind of information. I believe this kind of sharing really sets the tone for a lot more honesty in relationships which is a good thing.

Sexuality is not a static thing, it is fluid and ever-changing, and I think no one knows that better then you having coming from a relationship with another female and now you enjoy a very full and happy relationship with a male. We as human being are sexual beings, and I agree with Dr. Kinsey that most of the population is 'bisexual' by nature leaning one way or another depending on circumstances.

> Well, a few nights ago, he decided to open up and be

> very, VERY honest with me. He told me that even though he would never expect me to want to do it, he often fantasizes about threesomes with

> himself, me and another man. At first, I was startled and thought

> perhaps that he just wanted to watch another man with me, but he then went on to tell me that he was just extremely curious to find out what it would be like to be on the receiving end of anal sex and on the

> giving end of oral. I will be honest with you, and even though I feel

> like a huge hypocrite for admitting to this, but I am repulsed by the

> idea. I guess that I just worry deep-down that he would ultimately

> leave me for a man. He tells me that he is repulsed by the thought of

> having to kiss a man or feel their hairy chests, but that he becomes

> aroused at the thought of a penis in him. I really don't know what to

> think. He admits to having used my dildo on himself, and he thinks

> that all it might be is that he loves the internal stimulation. What

> I want to know is, is it safe to assume that is all it is? And if

> not, how should I deal with this? He promises me that he could never live with himself if he cheated on me and that he fully believes that

> he is still very much in love with me, but he also believes that if I

> was in the room when such an event went on, that I would be condoning it. I have told him that I'm not sure that I would be able to face him if we actually did it, but that I would be willing to do anything that he wants as long as we remain monogamous. Do you think that it

> is even intelligent to remain in this relationship and do you think

> that he may just be going through a phase? Please write back with any

> opinions you might have... I really need an objective opinion. Thanks

Ok you have quite a few questions here let me take them out and tackle them one by one. First up:

> What I want to know is, is it safe to assume that is all it is?

I personally wouldn't assume anything, you know what happens when we do that. I think he feels very confident in your relationship, and the fact that you have been so open with him, he feels really comfortable sharing with you something that not a lot of men could do. I think you should feel really blessed that you have such a man, that feels comfortable taking risks with you. And this is a big risk here, he could risk losing you but he feels that being honest with you is paramount or else he would not have shared his fantasy with you. I think that is definitely something you should think about.

> And if not, how should I deal with this?

I believe that in any situation it is always best to be in the moment.

Not trying to think of what your gonna do 'if' he does this or 'if' he does that. I think you should try your best to be there for him, he has opened up to you in a way that not many men would do, you don't want to risk him 'closing up' cause your are a bit uncomfortable with the idea of him with a man.

Think about the long term of your marriage and more importantly your relationship, would you want to prejudge a situation that has not even occurred and put up a barrier that you may not ever be able to take down again?

> Do you think that it is even intelligent to remain in this relationship and do > you think that he may just be going through a phase?

I can not tell you if you should remain in your relationship or not that is up to you to determine if you are getting your needs met in the relationship and if there is a good balance of pros and cons in the relationship, meaning that there are good things that you like about your husband and there are not so good things also. But do the math, do the not-so-good out-weigh the good things?

What if its not a phase? I think is the more appropriate question. I think there are some established ground rules and monogamy is one of those ground rules. But honesty is another ground rule. Both of these has been key to the success of your relationship.

Your going to have to find a happy medium, I would encourage you to talk with him about your feelings, emphasizing the importance of honesty in your relationship. Tell him what your doubts are. And be open and non-judgmental about his need to explore.

If this is not 'just a phase', it sounds like you need a little more affirmation about the relationship. Specifically, is he still in love with you? You sound doubtful about this. You also seem to have some guilt about condoning something that may possible give him a reason to leave you.

There is no black and white with these kind of issues they are very very difficult, and hard to negotiate, especially when you deal with the centuries of puritanical teachings in this country. Our whole idea of what sex is and love is totally whacked. We can't separate them as our enlightened European cousins can do. I feel that your thinking that your husband may find a sexual gratification with men, that you can't provide him, ergo he would leave you. If you didn't have a strong relationship, one that is not just based on sex then I would agree with you.

You have to look at your relationship and look at all the many things you have to offer each other that would not be fulfilled by sex alone. That is something to think about. I hope you find some resolution here, please feel free to call me or write back if you need more help.

peace&blessings

[Photos Charlie Pizzarello, Screenshot from Archive.org]

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xtrablak674 · 5 days

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Spring Flavor

[Photos by Brown Estate]

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xtrablak674 · 5 days

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Urban Hippy

Photoshoot Photos Here

[Photos by Brown Estate]

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xtrablak674 · 6 days

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December 15, 2016 - [video blog]

youtube

Along with doing an audio blog on my SoundCloud and two digital blogs on blogspot and Live Journal, I also did a video blog that I would record on my point and shoot and post privately to my YouTube. When I discuss journaling with the kids or friends I let them know there isn't one way to do it. You can speak your thoughts aloud or write them down. The thing that is very different about this video journal is I can clearly see I am having a depressive moment. Just the looking off in the distance and totally disconnecting I wish were acting, but was just how I was feeling, having trouble staying rooted in the present.

It was good to hear that I was in therapy at the time, more than likely Ms. Kennedy who was my last therapist of record. I have been doing so much better since this time, but am happy to see this moment from eight year ago. BTW I look amazing, so its great that even though I felt like crap I looked great! At the time I would record the videos post them and walk away, this is my first time actually looking back and viewing the content of the video. I actually changed it from private to unlisted just to share it here. I think I did about forty or so of these videos and I do think they were an excellent way to collect my thoughts and gage my emotional state. I think mental health is very important and whatever you have to do to healthily navigate these rough moments you should do.

[Photo by Brown Estate]

#journal entry #journalling #diary #dear diary #audio blog #video blog #blogging #written journal #written blog #mental health #depressive episode #seasonal depressive disorder #therapy #talk therapy #talking cure #comic book #teen titans #low key nerd #Youtube

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xtrablak674 · 7 days

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Good Health [audio blog]

I want to note that I am not on a lot of social media anymore so a lot of the links here are outdated: https://about.me/trevorbrown

#trevorbrown #good health #audio blog #soundcloud #audio #blog #healthcare #proactive healthcare #art #art sale #suppport arts #about.me

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xtrablak674 · 8 days

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Ronavations continued

After all the time I spend in my home especially over the last fifteen to twenty years, the fact that I finally did the thing that it seems whyte folks talk about all the time, renovations. I previously spoke about my favorite spot in my home, but now I want to talk about a decorative feature that I came up with to top-off all of the improvements of my intimate space.

One thing that I think is important when you have an open floor plan or a space with no clear distinguishable rooms, you need to create areas and nooks within that space, forced delineations that guide your eye and your body to where to go or not to go.

A positive element of my studio space are my very high ceilings, my ceilings are nine feet high which gives the space a lot more openness and light than lower ceilings would. I wanted to emphasize this height and added more clearly defined areas in the apartment.

I recalled a friend of mine Larry Callahan who seemed to move all the time and in each space he inhibited he truly made the space his own, adding elements that were not originally envisioned for the space. Unlike me he has more technical abilities around construction and design being a costume designer. I didn't want my technical capabilities to limit what I wanted, I would simply higher a professional to execute my vision.

If I recall correctly I think my building was built in the twenties which means its about one hundred years old now. Part of the original moldings were in my unit when I first moved in in the late nineties. After the fire some of the elements were removed or replaced to restore the unit to livable conditions. I came to this knowledge not just from my unit, but having been in other units in my building and other units in some of the sister building around me.

I wanted there to be a break near the front door sort of restoring the original facade that was like a partial proscenium arch or the legs on a stage, the long fabric panels that denote wings in a theatre. I also knew I wanted to use African wax print fabric made by a Dutch company called Vlisco. I knew this wasn't an African company but the quality of their product and designs was frankly superior to some of the in-country designs and I wanted the best for this thousand dollar project. I knew the stiffness of the wax print would lend itself to being a panel. I use the term panel and not curtain because curtains have a tendency to be gathered or bunched up and I wanted a stiff free standing panel of fabric.

To assist in explaining this to Anthony my local tailor who I knew would be a perfect partner for the soft elements I wanted developed for my Ronavations, I put together a deck including screenshots, photos, measurements and reference samples of interiors similar to what I was looking for. But more than that I also worked out the complete construction of the fabric panels, utilizing velcro to adhere them to my walls and being weighted at the bottom to help them stay stiff and erect.

The back panel was primarily being used to mask my walk-in closet with bathroom (the room formerly known as the kitchen) but also give the wall a more finished look. With the lack of doors in my space there aren't clear separations of areas, the panel would let visitors clearly know this was another space and not necessarily one that I wanted folks to wander into sort of the inner sanctum of my apartment.

I was very pleased with the final product once I got over some bumps with Tony fucking up some of the initial panels, which I wanted a large unbroken piece of fabric for some reason he had cut certain piece and then realizing his error put them back together. Meaning I had to order more of this very not-cheap fabric for him to do it right the next time. Of course he ate the cost of that and eventually got it all right.

There are several sets of these panels that I change as my mood desires, I also had cushion covers made in four primary colors that sort of match the base colors of the panels so that I can tie the colors together in the room. The best part of all of this was once again having a vision of something I wanted and realizing that vision.

As an artist I sometimes feel like if it isn't made by my hand its not my creation, and that isn't true. I am sure there are artist who do public sculptures or community murals who are the ones holding the vision for the product and ensuring that it is executed to the parameters that they for saw it. It is the mind behind this creativity that creates the art. And makes me understand why some of my friends feel like my apartment is a museum to my creativity because I have had such a clear hand in designing it in a way that was comfortable and appealing to me.

[Photos by Brown Estate]

#interior design #contractor #tailor #vlisco #renovations #decorative elements #bright colors #textures #artistic process

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xtrablak674 · 9 days

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A Bicycle Story

As I continue to ruminate over my life I realize how truly blessed I have been all through-out my time on this planet. I recall a conversation with my nibling where they inferred I had lived in the ghetto, I had a surprising angry reaction to this flippant comment as I let them know I had never lived in anyone's ghetto.

This was true, I was bought up in a city that was more or less a big town, my building was a lot nicer than where my cousins lived. Even my god grandmother's house, was just that a house albeit the only time I had ever lived in a house. My grandparents live in NYCHA for over fifty years and I remember how nice their projects used to be, but it was never the ghetto, they were upper middle-class people taking advantage of the fact that their rent was based on their income. Even on my own I have lived in very decent apartments, never owning always renting, but never the ghetto.

Albeit we were quite poor in my mom's house I never wanted for any of the basics. And notwithstanding I may not have had the abundance that Kelsey or Robert, one being a single child from a two-parent upper middle-class household and the other from a three children two-parent upper middle-class household who both owned houses, I had all that I needed.

There were also so many opportunities that my mom took advantage of food stamps, government surplus foods, head-start, various extracurriculars like little league, cub scouts, choir, chorus and school plays. Just thinking about how busy I was kept as a kid, to a single-mom with three kids, how could I ever fix my face to say I was missing out on something? I had busloads of first cousins who I saw often and it always seemed like we were going to some family holiday.

My clothes may not have been fresh-to-def but they were clean, the passing fads were just that, passing right by my household because there wasn't even the notion of disposable income. People sometimes think lack of wealth, means lack of joy and I don't think those two things are equivocal. Because there was joy in my home, in lunch at McDonald's, all those Carvel ice cream cakes I had for birthdays, picnics down by the river, summer camp, road trips to Coney Island or something simple like breakfast for dinner, pass the syrup please!

Mom found the joy in family and celebration. Curious as an adult I hold no value in either of those things, because you need one to enjoy the other, and my adulthood has a waning of familial relations, as I said before there's no matriarch to hold it all together. But back to what this entry is about, its about blessings, joy and appreciation, the thing that hit my spirit this morning was bicycles.

I was trying to remember who taught me how to ride a bicycle, and I don't recall anyone actually doing that. As I am writing right now, there was someone who taught me how to patch a flat tire, a skill I have never partaken of. Uncle Larry, one of the sons of my god-grandmother who I looked up to in so many ways. He had a bachelor pad in his mom's house with a shag carpet, record player and drum set, in my eyes next to my dad he was the coolest person ever!

Possibly Uncle Larry taught me how to ride a bike, but I don't think so. But it is possible. I recall the bike quite well, it was actually my younger brother's bicycle a banana seat Huffy with a western-themed name on its crank-guard. It was a beige color and for me it was a key to the wider world in the small city of Peekskill in Westchester County.

The bicycle was a gift from his dad, one of the only times I remember his father doing anything for his first-born son other than maybe a handful of trips. But since I was older and bigger, it sort of became my bicycle. I recall exploring woods and abandoned places with my school mates, zipping up and down the hilly landscape of my neighborhood and the surrounding areas.

I put serious milage on that bicycle and I remember when my grandparents finally bought me my own bicycle, a blue unbranded BMX style ride with black handlebars, I was pissed when Grandma Susie said I need to let my brother ride on MY BIKE! I felt offended, encroached upon, did I already say offended? Why should he get to ride around on MY BRAND SPANKING NEW BICYCLE? In my head I had dubbed the bike K.I.T.T. after one of my favorite TV shows at the time, I remember using the kickstand to make a sound-effect that was very futuristic like the talking car on the show!

As an adult I don't think I ever considered how important these bicycles were to us as children, and that others provided them for us even though they wouldn't necessarily see us use them. I remember when Grandma Susie and Grandpa Melvin got my god-brother a bike too and this bicycle was seriously a reject from an episode of Fat Albert and the Cosby kids, it was made up of parts recycled from other bikes and I remember it was heavy and ugly as fuck!

Now a three-bicycle household I was sometimes relegated to riding the younger kids bikes, not my brand new Cadillac bicycle. As an adult I realize the other adults were doing what was fair, but then I was so done with everybody, as my younger brother got to ride my bike, my god-brother his bike, and I stuck on my god-brother's hoopty! #HowIsThisFair But the fact that we had bikes at all was a blessing.

I didn't realize that I have only had three bicycles in my lifetime, the BMX, which my grandparents upgraded to a mountain bike which I carried into my young adulthood, until it was stolen in Manhattan. To my current bicycle a silver Mongoose ten speed mountain bike, which I bought with my ex for a little over a hundred dollar.

Right before the pandemic I nearly left it out on the street for someone else to have, but decided to keep it and it came in handy when the pandemic came and riding on the train wasn't really something I wanted to do, when I could just as easily bike to my job at the Census in Bedstuy.

The fact that I have had so much stability and I have consistently had a roof over my head most of my adult life is sadly rare and as I reflect it is another thing to be extremely blessed for. Sometimes we get caught up in the things that other folks have but don't take the moment to realize that what we had may not have been ideal, but it wasn't less than someone else's experience. These are the building blocks that create a life and I think when we acknowledge the abundance in our lives we become much more appreciative for the things we do have.

[Photo by Brown Estate]

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xtrablak674 · 10 days

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[Originally posted on Live Journal on Wednesday, May 17th 2000 at 12:43am, edited for clarity]

When you first walk into my apartment it smells tart. I know exactly what it is, but it still feels foreign. Its the chemical reaction that this neutralizer had to the paint peeler I am using, I have burned some incense to rectify the problem. It's 12:13am and I have just returned back from the movie, and other then the entire cast of The Best Man being in it, I enjoyed it.

Now I am chilling eating a butterscotch krimpet kake by TastyKake, my fingers still a little sticky with pineapple juice from the fruit I stopped and picked up after the movie. On my list of to-do's this evening other then doing this journal entry, which I really hope is going to help me find my writing voice again. I have to finish my application to the White Institute, I think I have completed it. I am happy with it as I can get with it and pleased this time I actually completed it. YEAH!

Anastasia is waiting patiently at my left, looking for an opportunity to jump on my lap. Since I am going to be on the computer for a bit I am opening tabs for my online friends, including johncamlive, christiangrantham.com, keithcam, and Pecsjockcam to whom even though I think he hates my guts I still watch religiously. I am an obsessive voyeur, but I guess its more interesting living other peoples lives then your own. (mental note: go back and make the links live of those site you mentioned)

Anyway, I am stuffing myself of this kake you would think I have never seen food before, and its not like my waistline need it. UGH! I have to send Jeff an email about the gym and his being my personal trainer. I really need to do some exercise other then pointing and clicking the mouse and tickling the keyboard. Too bad you can't get exercise thru you fingers cause if you did I would be such good shape :)

I have so much going on I don't know what to write about and what not to, I guess I should just continue stream of conscious until I am pooped and will do something else. I wish I could say I was horny, but I am not, I have really had NO sex drive lately, I don't know what that is all about, maybe its a good thing. There is one guy I have sex drive for and thats Tony the guy I am dating. He seems to be the only one who can get me horny or get me thinking about sex. Which is upsetting to me cause then it feels like I am committing more to him and I don't sort of want to. (mental note, put picture of Tony in journal)(mental note: begin researching new web host)

But anyway, I guess part of it is I spend so much time alone, which in away I enjoy since I don't like too much drama, but in other ways it gets a little tired, and I sometimes need outside stimulation other then the controlled environment of my DSL-jacked in all-the-time internet connection.

I am chilly let me put on a jacket, hold on...

Anyway....

So much is goin on with leaving kbp [kirshenbaum bond & partners] and all... its a little anti-climatic cause I won't let anyone do any big "to do" about me leaving, I am not trying to go out like that, I just want to be out, you know what I am saying I have been at the agency like goin on 4 years and its just time to get out in creation.

Its not goin to be easy and I know that the same kind of dysfunction that I got away with at kbp I am not going to be able to get away with at SFI, and I know it, and they are paying me nice cheddar so I can't be acting up... Well I can act up a little bit...

I have to speak briefly on my protégé Rob McFarland who I am leaving to the sharks, its so funny how your life can have so many mirrors about it. Rob is like a mirror to Choan my younger brother, who I am now not speaking to after his threatening me and disrespecting me over the phone, a kind of behavior I will not tolerate.

Anyway, Mr. McFarland (thats how I always refer to him) was telling me today he was so upset with me for leaving that he could punch me, which I just find so amusing. Rob like Choan is younger then me, Rob by 4 years at least compared to the two of Chaon, same general complexion as Choan paper-bag tan brown, and hot tempered. I do hope Rob will work on his temper and his anger, he has so much in him to give. I am hardly one to talk, I am quite overdue for some therapy myself, but I just hope he will be able to work well with the next people he has too. It was a blessing to both of us to work together, his being straight and my being the queerest thing since polyester. It made for a good challenge.

I actually had doubts about whether I could work with him or not, cause he was so straight and obviously homophobic (just like Choan) But his work was very tight, which allowed me to accept his learning curve... :) I am very happy to have hired him and to allow him the voice to get a better initial offer then what I offered, the boy has got skills he just needs to focus and he will do just fine.

I hope they will challenge him more then they did me. But time will tell. I think I should wrap up cause this is a long as entry and my fingers are getting tired and I do want to wrap up a few things, like checking the IMDB for the cast list of Love and Basketball and compare it to the one for The Best Man both of which Spike Lee was the producer for...anyway till next time. Peace&Blessings

[Wow, this is twenty four years ago! #NoWords The thing that was most surprising in revisiting this entry is the fact that I deliberately hired a homophobic assistant. It speaks to how clearly I prioritized my obligations to my race over those of my sexual identity. If I recall, I think I had a huge part in the final decision of who would be working under me, and I knew that it would be someone Black. I think I also wanted to pay forward the opportunity I was given having this corporate America job, which can be a very hard space for folks of color to thrive in.

I am blown away that Mr. McFarland thought it was remotely appropriate to threaten violence towards me in the work place, but as I recount at the time I was conflating my professional relationship with the personal relationship of my younger sibling. This is probably why I gave him a huge berth to basically be rude and inappropriate.

The other thing I actually like in this post is the nuance and detail. I am talking about the smells in the room, the taste of the food also the asides about other tasks I need to do. I was hoping to find my voice and I think my voice is very evident in the way that I recorded my feelings that evening. It feels like a time machine trip to that moment in my past where my life was in turmoil as I was leaving the security of one position and taking a risk on the dot-com era career jumping.

My gamble would ultimately not pay off, me being let go with basically the entire staff of the New York office. But this would lead me to my next journey which was me running my own branded website and identity materials firm.

A couple of explanatory commas, The William Alanson White Institute was an institution for training psychoanalysts and psychotherapists which also offers general psychotherapy and psychoanalysis. It is located in New York City, United States, on the Upper West Side, in the Clara Thompson building. It was founded as a protest against the mainstream of American psychoanalytic thought, which was thought to be sterile, dogmatic, and constrictive by the psychoanalysts who founded the institute. - via Wikipedia

I would soon thereafter start therapy with Dr. Anita close by in Park Slope. The therapy ultimately ended because in the corporate world I had such antagonistic relationships with whyte women, that I didn't really think I could find healing with a person who idealized for all intensive purposes my mortal enemy.

During Internet 1.0 webcam sites were very very popular along with reality TV shows like Big Brother, watching other people lives twenty-four hours a day every day was just huge. I was caught up in this trend preferring to watch other queer people, sometimes having multiple window open at a time. I have so many screen-grabs from this period, where it wasn't streaming video but more a refreshing picture every few seconds.

Twenty four years ago I had no idea what would become of this journal I was keeping. I don't even think I could visualize my future-self well enough to know if I would appreciate these missives or not. But I do, continually I am always proud of my past-self and the very good decisions I have made, I am not always saying the results were ideal, but the essence of the intention always shines through.

Photo by Brown Estate]

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xtrablak674 · 11 days

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#HouseQuake

My nephew had stopped by for a visit and I had thrown on this dashiki and my thai fisherman pants and was shocked that I loved the pairing. Over a year ago when my niece was visiting for a week to attend AfroPunk I had copped a few items via Etsy to find something fresh to wear to the popular Brooklyn music festival. The pants made the cut and were a darling for the photographers at the event. But subsequently I couldn't figure out what else they could go with, trying too literally to match them. The colors of the dashiki featured green and its around paring green with the pants that I built this look.

• Straw hat purchased on a trip to Ghana

• Prescription sunglasses bought at AfroPunk from EENY Eyewear

• Ochre necklace bought at Calabar Imports

• Chocolate suede vest bought at the late Pieces boutique

• Olive green tasseled scarf, you know I can't remember where I got that

• White dashiki thrifted at L Train Vintage

• Silver ring with precious stones purchased on a trip to India

• Brass bracelet a gift from an actress on the Broadway production of Chronicle of a Death Fortold

• Thai fisherman pants copped from a shop on Etsy

• Sneakers by Blanx, Mictlan Hightops

[Photos by Brown Estate]

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xtrablak674 · 12 days

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Greatest Hits

[Originally posted on my blogspot 'Iconclastic Narcissism' on the 29th of December, 2007. Posted unedited, with a few comments for more context or clarity. I was much more explicit in my journaling, even knowing it was open to the public. I am not ashamed of this candidness, but have learned more discretion with age.]

I was watching the second to last episode of LOST where one of the major characters knew he was going to die and put together a greatest hits, simply a list of five greatest moments in his life. I was thinking myself of what would my list look like and I found and interesting trend amongst my own greatest moments. First none of the moments are alone moments but moments that have to do with someone else and are related to an event or holiday. I have made my list in no particular order:

•My first Christmas with Paul

•Valentine's day surprise with Steve

•My first art exhibition that Karl attended

•Losing my virginity with Daniel

•Spending the day my nephew MJ

•Finding my mother dead

X-Mas Tears

My first Christmas with Paul was one of our happiest moments he had got me my first membership to BAM that my friend Eric had promised to get for me and didn't. I was so overwhelmed by the simple thoughtfulness of the gift I burst into tears of happiness. It was a very nice moment. I can say with all honesty that Paul was my most favorite boyfriend.

[Also my longest relationship to date at four years, but the things I learned with Steve greatly influenced this affair.]

Heart-Day Hotness

We had only met each other a week prior on February 7th, but in that time that magic and passion I seem to create with my men was created with Steve, and he designed one of the most romantic evenings I have ever had, which appropriately was on Valentine's Day. He bought me to his apartment shared with two other roommates who he had gotten rid of for the evening. I was blindfolded and walked through the front door, where he had me disrobe and gave me a beautiful candlelit bath, where if I remember correctly he bathed me, toweled me off then slipped me into a pair of burgundy silk boxers and a matching terry cloth robe.

He then led me past his bedroom to the living room where he had moved out all the furniture and arranged a piece of fur chocolate covered strawberries and sparking cider (he remembered I didn't drink). He then lit a fire one of those Duraflame logs, he gave me a gorgeous fossil watch and I think a leather wallet, we made love in front of the flames and fell asleep by the fire in each others arms. Steve was my first boyfriend and really set the bar for how I treated my future boyfriends and where I got the habit of spoiling my men from. One of my shortest relationships only lasting 9.5 weeks but Steve definitely hit the greatest hits in my heart.

Artistic Cherry-Busting

My first art exhibition was a great moment because it was the time I realized that people actually like my photography and thought I was an artist, it was a defining moment for me because I had always struggled with being considered an "artist". This exhibition of 19 of my pieces seven of which sold along with numerous postcards of the work was a total success, that also corresponded with my third date with Karl who attended and got along wonderfully with my friends and got treated to a very Steve-esque romantic picnic dinner in Prospect Park with me later that evening as we watched Close Encounters of the Third Kind tying into my three theme of the date. Making the entire day a wonderful moment and a greatest hit.

Statutory Rape #NotReally

[BTW the age of consent in New York State is seventeen]

Even though I had been sucking dick since I was eight years old, I didn't lose my virginity (having a man penetrate me) until I was seventeen. The funny thing is that Daniel who was 28 at the time thought I was like 25 and was a little shocked by my revelation of my age after his deflowering me and the level of experience I showed with the event (I had practiced with candles and dildos). Having a man inside of me the first time was a very overwhelming moment and I remembered crying a little when I came, I was so emotionally overwhelmed with the experience of the fullness and the pulsing of Daniel's member inside of me. It was a moment of great intimacy and a little fear but great happiness.

[I wouldn't learn until I think '04 that the sexual relations I had as a tender-aged child were in fact sexual abuse. I only became aware of this when reading a book to understand a boyfriend's sexual abuse as a child. This revelation set an upheaval in my sexual activity leading to my over a decade celibacy, while I reset myself and moved away from the toxic behavior I had been practicing for years.]

Playing Uncle

I don't think I realize how much I enjoyed being a big brother and an "uncle" until I was denied the privilege. The last time I saw my nephew MJ was also one of my happiest moments. Meeting his mother, his little sister and spending the day at Bryant Park on the merry go round then off to Toys-R-Us for a ride on the Ferris Wheel and finally dinner at Olive Garden was a very happy day for me.

I had bought gifts for both of the kids and the mother. I was so saddened that when she moved she fell out of contact and I never saw MJ again, until years later. I have several nieces and nephews, and by default MJ became the favorite because I had spent the most time with him, most of them I haven't even met and am not sure if they even know I exist its sad, but I don't hold the children at fault but the parents and I will make arrangements for all of my nieces and nephews in my estate planning.

[Now some of the children have children, and I don't think I have met any of their kids yet and there are like four of the kids I haven't met. Its the saddest part of being a part of a family that has lost the matriarch, there isn't anyone to encourage the family to stay together.]

She's Dead Jim!

Finding my mother dead on the couch I have to say is one of the most life defining moments for me. I know its maybe odd to have on a greatest moments list, but I would not be the person I am today with out my mother dying when she did. I wouldn't have the strength, independence, perseverance and common sense that developed in her absence. I happily admit I was a momma's boy and my mother spoiled her boys (as I spoil my men), I got away with murder in my mother's house, and could nearly do no wrong, and the wrong I did do, I learned to charm myself out of any significant punishment. No single moment has effected me as much as her death even though it was more then two decades ago, its still one of the most significant moments in my life.

[As of this year its been exactly forty years since she's been dead. I have been alive way longer than I ever had parents.]

[Photos by Brown Estate]

#greatest hits #LOST #reflecting on life #happiest moments #memorable moments #moments #life moments #reflecting

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xtrablak674 · 13 days

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#ShowStopper

Pieces of the Puzzle

[top to bottom]

leftover red fabric from my grandmother

prescription queen sunglasses from Rainbow

orange scarf with silver streaks

necklace from Ghanian artisan bought in Accra

long African shirt from UK bought on Etsy

black hakama pants from Japan bought on Etsy

red Alpa gloves from Hungary copped on Etsy

thick ochre bracelets from Brooklyn Museum market

fluorescent orange trainers by No Bull

[Photos by Brown Estate]

#slay #fashion #urbanwear #brooklyn aesthetic #african inspired #black aesthetic #african influence #fashionista #streetwear #street style #spring fashion #brooklyn #prospect heights #brooklyn museum #personal style #you better work bitch

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xtrablak674 · 14 days

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"I think what is hard for people around trans identities is that they are very personal. It's not about what you look like, what you were born with, or what someone else sees. It's about what you feel, and that can be very hard for cis people to parse." - Trevor Brown

[Photos by Brown Estate]

#quote #trans identity #trans indentities #queer #non binary #gender nonconforming #genderqueer #trans umbrella #gender identity #gender ideology #lgbt #trans #tranny #transgender #transgender ideology

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xtrablak674 · 14 days

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Understood the Assignment

I saw a posting on Facebook looking for trans people of color to model these tops for a queer non-for profit. Albeit I wasn't pleased at how heavy I was for this shoot, I had heard about it only like two weeks before the shoot, it wasn't enough time for me to loose any significant weight. But unlike most of the other participants, I understood the assignment and came through ready for the runway.

Rest for Resistance:

Rest for Resistance strives to uplift marginalized communities, those who rarely get access to adequate health care or social support. We center the experiences of Black, Indigenous, and people of color (BIPOC).

We create healing spaces for LGBTQ2SIA+ individuals, namely queer & trans people of color (QTPoC), as well as other stigmatized groups such as persons with disabilities, sex workers, immigrants, and those living at the intersections of all of the above.

[Photos by Axel Eden]

#understanding the assignment #photoshoot #axel eden #queer #people of color #POC #trans people #rest for resistance #queer pride #prospect park #fashion #brooklyn #fierce #slay #mental health #social support

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xtrablak674 · 17 days

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My Last Relationship

[I haven't dated anyone since '08 which is sixteen years ago. The following is a letter my ex sent me clearly in response to something I had sent him. With so much perspective now I am posting this letter and commenting within it on my understanding of the events looking back on them now.]

Trevor, I was very excited and hopeful after our online talk about our status, but after your email I was taken aback and disappointed. It has taken me a few days to digest your writing and to respond in a way that is true to my feelings. I hope you understand.

You wrote in the subject area "looking forward" but I only saw you looking backward, and I feel the need to defend myself, unfortunately. I have apologized several times for slapping you on the chest, and I take full and total responsibility for my actions. However, you continue to act as if this action occurred in a vacuum, as if I decided for no reason to hit you in public. Let us remember that I was responding to you shoving your hand into my ass in a crowded store and violating me. I may have broken your trust, but you broke mine too.

[Re-reading my journal entries from this era it seemed that intimacy public or otherwise was an ongoing issue with Karl and I. Part of it was I think something physically was going on with his body health-related, another part I think was his own emotional baggage and with my perspective today possible drug usage. He was very performative in his life always trying to be something that everyone else wanted as opposed to just being himself. I recall his feeling the need to dress as I dressed albeit that would not have been appropriate to who he was at all.

In my recollection of the events on the escalator, I was playfully grabbing at his ass, not sexually violating him. It is curious the deflection of his actions into my being responsible for them. The classic sign of an abuser in my opinion, they aren't culpable for anything that they do, you're actions or words made them do it.]

I am still sorry for what my reaction to the situation was but the fact is that you created the situation by humiliating me in a public place.

[I am still shocked to even read this, but I acknowledge it as his perceptions of events. We live our lives by how we perceive the world and these views are colored by our frame of reference, upbringing and emotional traumas.

Its not how I viewed the situation in the least. I never felt once like I was humiliating him, and would never try to humiliate someone publicly. I was trying to be affectionate in a semi-public situation, we were positioned in a way on that escalator that no one could really see our interaction unless they were actively seeking us. It's very curious his distortion of intentions and how this relates to his self-worth and body image issues.]

My only intention was to get you to STOP touching me inappropriately in public. My reaction was unfortunate and I have apologized. An open handed slap on the chest is still violence, and I do not believe that solves anything. I make NO excuses for what I did, and if I could have it to do over again with forethought I would take a different route, that, unfortunately is not a possibility. It was a mistake, done without thought in a moment of complete panic. I am still sorry but I am done saying I am apologizing.

[How did this innocuous interaction escalate into panic, sexual violation, and humiliation? #TheMathIsntMathing To the best of my recollection I don't think he said anything to this effect in the few short minutes this occurred. I also recall a fist in my chest, not an open-handed slap, which would literally hit differently. Emotionally I remember being totally shocked, appalled and confused that Karl just punched me in my chest!

It took a few seconds for me to compose myself, because even now I thought I was being playful, not annoying and he wasn't sending me any signals otherwise. In hindsight I think there was something else going, I am not sure if it was sexual abuse in his youth, or a possible rape or some other kind of psychological trauma. But I think even to a passing viewer, nothing I was doing appeared malicious or inappropriate even in a public venue.

Coupled with his what would become apparent later, his drug usage, I don't think I was the person at fault here, no matter what he may have thought I was doing. His perceptions of others was being coloured by experiences I wasn't aware of them and am still not aware of now. I am not saying I was the perfect boyfriend and that there weren't things I was culpable for, but loving a person and showing them affection aren't anything to apologize for.]

You keep saying that you "modeled" the type of apology you expect from me. Guess what, I am a grown ass man. I do not need you to teach me anything. I apologized in my way. If that is insufficient to you then don't forgive me. I will move on. However, you speak about forgiveness at great length. If you forgive me, then we can move forward, forget about the past and work together toward a future. If you can't I understand, I will be disappointed in myself, but I wish you the best and I will move on with my life. You can't change me Trevor, and if you want to mold me into a different type of boyfriend then a relationship between us will never work. I will ALWAYS strive to be better than I am, but I need support in that endeavor, not guidance.

[Curiously, he later told me, because like many couples we had post-breakup sex, that he thought we could get back together. I was gob-smacked by that admission. How on goddess's green earth did he think I'd get back into a relationship with someone who hit me, and then turned around and tried to make it my fault? That is a classic sign of intimate partner violence, shown in every movie and television show.]

You seem to be very upset that the affection you showed me was not returned in kind. Your words have also made is clear that you feel I didn't show you the same type of affection and that you have been hurt by this. I can understand this. You treated me wonderfully. I felt loved and cherished when I was dating you. Since then, I have felt belittled and terrible about our time together. It has become very clear to me that everything you did was because you expected something in return, not for altruistic reasons.

[This is funny, is he conflating the role of a lover with a parent? Parents are supposed to give unconditional love, but a lover has emotional needs, and if those needs aren't reciprocated, why should they stay in that relationship? Its not necessarily that you're giving something to get something, but how can I keep pouring into you and never have anything poured into me?

I know there was an age difference between us but not as significant that I would be parental to him, but I can't know what he thought. I do recall that I was the more fiscally responsible, stable and orderly between the two of us. Simple logistics seemed to elude him, and his unemployment was in large part due to his lack of follow through. More and more it does seem the right decision that we parted, not that I ever regretted that decision.]

Remember how much I resisted you spending money on me because I was worried it would be thrown in my face later? Well, I was right after all, wasn't I? And a lot of the stuff you did for me wasn't really for me, but for what your idea of romance is. What in my character would lead you to believe I would want rose petals in bed? That was for you, not me.

You have said repeatedly that you have given me opportunities and left the "door open" for me to "win" you back. I have no interest in playing that game. You set expectations for me to meet and then get disappointed with me when I don't meet these arbitrary guidelines. This is not a game to me, Trevor. You are much much more important to me than that. I have no interested in trying to "win" you back. If you want to get back together with me then I will work very very hard every day of my life to make our relationship work, that is the only thing I can honestly promise you. If it didn't take hard work then it wouldn't mean anything.

Finally I want to say a few words about my feelings for you that I don't really think you understand. Ever since you broke up with me (yes, that is how is happened) I have felt that we would end up back together. In fact, the day that you contacted me on IM my principal was asking about you at school and asked what happened between us. My final word to her was, "I think we'll probably end up together." I still feel that way. No matter what comes between us, even you have to admit there is so much more that seems to be drawing us together than has pushed us apart. Sometimes I even get the feeling that I was drawn to the Brooklyn simply to meet you.

It is silly, I suppose. I have never really given much credence to fate or destiny. But Trevor, you feel so right in my heart and in my arms. We have lived very close by coincidence for many years. Our timing worked out for both of us. I moved into your best friends house totally by accident. On New Year's Eve, near midnight I went for a long walk around my neighborhood to think about my future and what I wanted for it. I came across a piece of graffiti that struck me. It took me awhile to recognize it. You will find it at the bottom of this page. It took my a while to recognize it, but when I did the meaning was clear. Think what you will, but I think it was a sign.

I will work at being a better man for you for a hundred years if you allow me too. You are beautiful, flawed, intelligent, egotistical, talented, sexy, funny, fun, thoughtful, crazy, romantic, kind, trustworthy, interesting, dynamic and most of all human...everything I have every wanted in a life partner. Neither one of us is perfect and we won't EVER be. I have no interest in perfection, I have interest in you. I am a better person when you are in my life. I love you Trevor, no matter what happens between us I will love you until the day I die.

In closing I can only tell you again what I have to offer you. Effort. I will work everyday to make a relationship work. I am not looking for perfection because I can't give it in return. I will disappoint you, I will make you angry, I will make you sad. That's part of life. But I will try every day to make you a better person, just like you make me one.

Love, Karl

[I truly have no response to his final words. We saw our relationship clearly with uniquely different eyes and I don't think any amount of continued discussion would have amounted to anything. I didn't share his feelings at all in regards to us having a chance. I will own definitively that I broke up with him, perpetrating violence on me once is a major deal-breaker and there's no where to go from there as far as I am concerned.

What is curious to me is that the people in his life inquired about me, and where I was much more than the people in my life. I mean I had his mom emailing me things like 'I look forward to meeting you', so I am not going to discount that I had mom-approval and I hadn't even met her yet. It give me a great understanding that his perceptions of me and his feelings of me were sometimes incongruent and in conflict with his past traumas.

As I am finishing up this journal entry I have peaked at some of my instant message conversations and emails with friends at the time and whoa-nelly there was so much more going on, I was telling a friend that Karl had become unhinged and then you can really see him emotionally unravel in an instant message conversation, of course I am going to go read all of that to give me more context, but there was so much more going on offline that can't be properly included here without casting Karl in a darker light and that would never be my intention, Karl was who he was, I am who I am and we tried something I had never done before to attempt a romantic relationship with someone I had primarily a sexual relationship and it clearly failed.

The picture Karl attached was actually a tag which I am sure he saw in my first art exhibition because he attended it. I have included that image instead of his because the sentiment is the same albeit how that related to me and him, I will never know or understand]

[Photo by Brown Estate]

#intimate partner violence #domestic violence #queer #mental health #relationships #boyfriends #dating #letters #past trauma #apologies #breaking up #relationship issues #lovers #trick #emotional intelligence #emotional maturity #class differences #low self worth #low self esteem

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