ughfuckyou
it's just the way i be
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TW (ED/ self harm)
my relationship with food has always been weird. i've always been the "picky eater" and growing up i was always the thinnest out of my 3 other siblings.
i don't think my eating disorder started on purpose. i don't even remember how it started; one day in fourth grade i just started throwing out my lunch every day because i wasn't hungry for it. i remember thinking about the ham and cheese sandwhich i would find, dented by the apple my mom also packed me. i just did not want it, thinking about it would nauseate me.
after a while it became a bad cycle- i wouldn't eat breakfast because of the early mornings, i would skip lunch, and then i would tell my mom i was still full from lunch so i could skip dinner when i got home. the worst it got was when i went 12 days without anything but water and i couldn't even participate in gym because i was so weak.
people noticed i was thin, but they didn't think much of it because i've always been thin. i've never been the type of person to clear their plate. so it went unnoticed and untreated until 6th grade when i got hospitalized for the first time. and my eating disorder wasn't even what i got hospitalized for. i was in for self harm and suicidal ideation, and it wasn't until the last week i was there that they realized i had an ed and they put me on a meal plan.
the reason no one caught it, besides the fact that i've always been petite, is because i never really admitted it, not even to myself.
i realized that i was restricting myself, but for me it was more about the control then about my weight. yeah i hated my body, and yeah i wanted to be as thin as those thinspo girls, but i think those thoughts came after i started restricting. i think it started with longing for the sense of control.
thats why i never really put my restricting and an eating disorder together. i knew i was harming my body by not eating, but i thought because it was more about control then it can't be an eating disorder, right?
i've been hospitalized a total of six times and i've only gotten treatment for my ed that one time in 6th grade because that was the only time i was willing to get help for it. and i hated it. they forced me to stay seated at every meal until i was done, and the anxiety was indescribable. after that "treatment" i never wanted help with it ever again. i just dealt with it on my own. i knew i needed to "fix" my thoughts before i could fix anything else.
flash forward some years. i am now 20 and i've just finally begun to gain weight. I just broke 100lbs this christmas and i plan to keep gaining.
but i still have an eating disorder. as much as i do not want to admit it, as much as i want to repress it and just deny it, i know it's still there. i just want to say i've recovered so bad because i'm gaining weight but i know that that's not always the case.
yes i've been gaining weight, and yes i like my progress, but my thoughts are still there. i still long for control. sometimes i go without eating for a 3-5 days, i just restrict myself because i know i can and because i want that feeling. i miss the hunger pains sometimes, i want to feel skinny. i still have all of these fucked up thoughts. i am definitely not recovered.
is this an eating disorder? i want to gain weight, i really do, especially in this social climate where having a phat ass is the standard for women. i hate not having curves.
but i also hate eating. i hate the energy it takes to chew, i hate the textures, i hate the smells, it's all so overwhelming. i get so nauseous just thinking about it to the point where i don't even want to look at food. i want it as far away from me as possible.
but i know i need it to survive, so that's just how i look at it when i need it: fuel. it's like the coal i'm shoveling into my furnace to keep me going, i just put one spoonful into my mouth after the other and i don't think about it. i just open my mouth, throw the food in, and chew as fast as i can. that's how i've been surviving. that's how i've gained this weight.
is this an eating disorder?
at this point i want to gain weight, but i can't because i hate food, but at the same time i don't want it because i have a sense of control with it, but at the same time i know i need it to survive. i just know that if i don't eat i'll die, but maybe that's why i started to restrict in the first place?
i remember being so suicidal that the hunger pains would bring me comfort, because i felt like my body was shutting down and i loved it. sometimes i still long for this feeling and i hate to admit it.
i just want to get better.
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even being the happiest i've ever been
i still feel like dying sometimes
#i wish my brain would just stop#im doing so good#why do i constantly feel like giving up#im so tired#all of the time#personal#vent#suicidal#depression#tw#depressed#my life is so good right now#why do i not want it#why am i not motivated enough#self sabotage#i cant fuck this up#anxiety#thoughts#SI
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i make it look easy
#hey#it's been a while#body#nsfw#personal#mine#white tee#nips#sharpness#90s#y2k#gray sweats#body inspo#i feel good#belly ring#belly piercing#peep#believe me#we gucci#(free gucci)
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TW (ED/ self harm)
my relationship with food has always been weird. i've always been the "picky eater" and growing up i was always the thinnest out of my 3 other siblings.
i don't think my eating disorder started on purpose. i don't even remember how it started; one day in fourth grade i just started throwing out my lunch every day because i wasn't hungry for it. i remember thinking about the ham and cheese sandwhich i would find, dented by the apple my mom also packed me. i just did not want it, thinking about it would nauseate me.
after a while it became a bad cycle- i wouldn't eat breakfast because of the early mornings, i would skip lunch, and then i would tell my mom i was still full from lunch so i could skip dinner when i got home. the worst it got was when i went 12 days without anything but water and i couldn't even participate in gym because i was so weak.
people noticed i was thin, but they didn't think much of it because i've always been thin. i've never been the type of person to clear their plate. so it went unnoticed and untreated until 6th grade when i got hospitalized for the first time. and my eating disorder wasn't even what i got hospitalized for. i was in for self harm and suicidal ideation, and it wasn't until the last week i was there that they realized i had an ed and they put me on a meal plan.
the reason no one caught it, besides the fact that i've always been petite, is because i never really admitted it, not even to myself.
i realized that i was restricting myself, but for me it was more about the control then about my weight. yeah i hated my body, and yeah i wanted to be as thin as those thinspo girls, but i think those thoughts came after i started restricting. i think it started with longing for the sense of control.
thats why i never really put my restricting and an eating disorder together. i knew i was harming my body by not eating, but i thought because it was more about control then it can't be an eating disorder, right?
i've been hospitalized a total of six times and i've only gotten treatment for my ed that one time in 6th grade because that was the only time i was willing to get help for it. and i hated it. they forced me to stay seated at every meal until i was done, and the anxiety was indescribable. after that "treatment" i never wanted help with it ever again. i just dealt with it on my own. i knew i needed to "fix" my thoughts before i could fix anything else.
flash forward some years. i am now 20 and i've just finally begun to gain weight. I just broke 100lbs this christmas and i plan to keep gaining.
but i still have an eating disorder. as much as i do not want to admit it, as much as i want to repress it and just deny it, i know it's still there. i just want to say i've recovered so bad because i'm gaining weight but i know that that's not always the case.
yes i've been gaining weight, and yes i like my progress, but my thoughts are still there. i still long for control. sometimes i go without eating for a 3-5 days, i just restrict myself because i know i can and because i want that feeling. i miss the hunger pains sometimes, i want to feel skinny. i still have all of these fucked up thoughts. i am definitely not recovered.
is this an eating disorder? i want to gain weight, i really do, especially in this social climate where having a phat ass is the standard for women. i hate not having curves.
but i also hate eating. i hate the energy it takes to chew, i hate the textures, i hate the smells, it's all so overwhelming. i get so nauseous just thinking about it to the point where i don't even want to look at food. i want it as far away from me as possible.
but i know i need it to survive, so that's just how i look at it when i need it: fuel. it's like the coal i'm shoveling into my furnace to keep me going, i just put one spoonful into my mouth after the other and i don't think about it. i just open my mouth, throw the food in, and chew as fast as i can. that's how i've been surviving. that's how i've gained this weight.
is this an eating disorder?
at this point i want to gain weight, but i can't because i hate food, but at the same time i don't want it because i have a sense of control with it, but at the same time i know i need it to survive. i just know that if i don't eat i'll die, but maybe that's why i started to restrict in the first place?
i remember being so suicidal that the hunger pains would bring me comfort, because i felt like my body was shutting down and i loved it. sometimes i still long for this feeling and i hate to admit it.
i just want to get better.
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a year ago today i lost a bestfriend of 6 years
she was sick for a long time so i'm glad she's no longer hurting
i'm still very much hurting
#rest in peace Luna#theres not a day that goes by where i dont think of you#or wish that your happy and healthy self was still here#youll stay alive forever in my memories and heart#i love you so much#i miss you so much#personal#loss#rip Luna
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i feel so lonely all of the time but i can never bring myself to reach out to anyone
no matter how many people tell me i'm not a burden, it's so hard to believe that when the one person that i never thought would give up on me did.
out of all people HE called me a burden, why would i believe otherwise?
#this sucks so much#and it hurts#hurts worse than an actual heart break#im heart broken#abandonded#burden#alone#depression#anxiety#vent#venting#personal#thoughts
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yes i post personal stuff
no that does not give you the right to be in my dms bluntly asking me personal ass questions
someone said "hello how are you" and two messages later asked me if i hate myself :/
like bro i don't know you like that get outa here
#like be nice about it at least#or make conversation first#i dont mind questions#but like#i can tell that you really dont care#you can at least try to hide it#my inbox is always open though#and i swear im not mean#but just like? dont be a weirdo like come on#vent#venting#personal#thoughts#anxiety
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~a little bruise update~
#sorry i just love bruises#bruise#bruises#i love the colors#and i dont bruise that easily#so this is super cool to me#green and red#accident prone#personal#more bath pics#sorry not sorry#bath#yes thats glitter in the water#she sparkles#yes i have leg hair#get used to it#not self harm
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i don't expect someone to fix me
just someone who won't give up on me
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girls have always made me anxious
i just can't talk to them, i completely freeze up
i never know what to say or how to act, i overthink every word. even with my best girl friends, i rethink everything i'm about to say a million times before i say it, a lot of the times i can't get anything out at all.
is it because i like girls? is it because i was bullied by girls in middle school?
i really couldn't tell you but i hate it. i wish i could just vibe with my girl friends and be normal but i can never just let go.
#and it ends up biting me in the ass#i feel ive become more distant from them#like they just dont vibe w me as much so they do thing without me#or dont invite me places#but i cant even be mad or blame them#like im really not mad at them for it#bc who wants to hang w someone like that#i know i wouldnt#im just so awkward#but it does make me sad#at mad at myself#friends#vent#venting#thoughts#anxiety#anxiety disorder#generalized anxiety#social anxiety#depression#personal
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i haven't been taking my meds because i ran out and i am now out of weed
my anxiety is so so bad i can barely function
#anxiety#anxiety disorder#anxiety diary#vent#venting#personal#meds#i need some serotonin#NOW#generalized anxiety
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i don't expect someone to fix me
just someone who won't give up on me
#is that too much to ask for#are my expectations too high?#im going crazy i swear#whats wrong with me#dissociating#anxiety#depression#vent#venting#personal#thoughts
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i need someone who won't give up on me
someone who knows how to handle me
no one has ever known how to handle me
#why is it so hard#why am i so unlovable#i just need someone who understands#but im scared no one will understand#no one ever understands#im just crazy#i end up being the bad guy#bc people dont know what to do with all of my emotions#i dont even know what to do with them#vent#venting#personal#thoughts#anxiety#depression
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i really thought you knew me better than that
i've known you since 3rd grade
i've had nights where i was on the edge and there was no one but you to help me
you've known about my anxiety and how unstable i can be, which is why i'm so shocked that you were so quick to leave me
we've been through so much
#but you called me clingy#and draining#and now youre gone#its so fucked#what did i do wrong#beyond sad ahahhah#vent#venting#personal#best friend break ups hurt more than actual break ups#and he was starting to become more than just my friend too#and now we're just nothing#i hate it here#anxiety#depression
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if you see someone wearing a rubber band on their wrist:
they're struggling (but trying)
#i swear im trying my hardest#more bath pics#bath#urges#self harm#personal#vent#depression#anxiety#scars
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"yes i understand you have anxiety and depression but maybe if you relaxed you wouldn't be so stressed"
yeah no shit honey
#just relax!#like wow thanks#im cured now#sorry im too much for you#sorry im draining#sorry i have anxiety?#i cant just turn it off#if i could i would#i promise#im just trying my hardest#crying*#vent#personal#thoughts#depression#anxiety
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