Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!
Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.
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i mean this in the gentlest way possible:
thinking that celebrities are sending out coded messages through social media and thinking that you can read specific emotions and thoughts from body language is unhealthy.
you do not know these people. it is impossible to know what they are thinking or feeling based on pictures or even videos.
if the argument is that you see a pattern: humans have a predilection for seeing patterns where there arent any, hence the over abundance of conspiracy theories in general.
this isnt a judgement i promise. but please think about it. log off, go outside if you can, and take some time off line.
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I know some dickheads have now decided that Judaism is the "bad, violent, terrorist religion" and Islam is the "good, peaceful" one, which is only to be expected of white people, but how much of an issue is it currently? Like I've seen some USAmericans sharing how the Islamic faith shapes Gazans values and perseverance (good) except with that distinct white hippie "I'm about to imprint on this like the world's most racist duck" vibe (bad), but I didn't think they're already turning on Judaism in numbers.
Do they realize that Christianity is also the same kind of comfort to Christian minorities in Asia and Africa? That it was Buddhists that genocided the Rohingyas in Myanmar and Tamils in Sri Lanka? That Hindu fundamentalists are even now trying to ethnically cleanse Muslims in India? How Hindus and Christians are terrorized and persecuted in Pakistan? That Muslims have a history of persecuting and ethnically cleansing Jews too?
Really tired of asking y'all to be normal about people's religions man. There's no religion that's inherently violent or exceptionally peaceful. It's just like any other ideology that becomes a weapon in the hands of ethnic power. Interrogate power, not religion, and respect people's belief systems insofar as they aren't in your business.
Edit: I've amended the "long history" of Muslim persecution of Jews because it might be misleading in the current political climate. Zionism and antisemitic Arab nationalism are twin births resulting directly from Christian colonization, and Islamic empires tended to actually be more tolerant of other religions compared to Christianity, especially Judaism, which was considered a sibling religion. Antisemitism wasn't ideologically entrenched in Islamic tradition. It's simply that ethno-religious power will lead to ethno religious domination and intermittent cleansing of minorities, and Islam is no exception. Humans be humaning always.
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Chinese audio dramas recommendation part 1(?)
My recent obsession: audio dramas!
It’s seriously the best form of entertainment when I’m working and since working days take up 5 out of 7 days, I source for audio dramas so much it’s taking up a lot of my working hours.
1. Mr Dior (2 seasons, completed)
My comfort audio drama. The number of times I’ve re-listened to this one is uncountable.
Synopsis: No matter what script is it today, you are always the lead in my memory.
7 years into their marriage, Zhang Dadiao/Zhang Chengfei (top) got into an accident one day. Even without any serious physical injuries, the impact of the accident caused his brain’s perception turning into the novels that were stored in his Smart Watch. As a result, it caused him to think he was different characters of different kinds of script each time, but one thing stayed constant: his wife, Jiao Qi, will always be his priority. Thanks to that, Jiao Qi had to put up his husband’s weird actions but also, learned new secrets his husband apparently had been keeping from him.
I really enjoyed the laughs and the tears from this story. Though I’ve been meaning to read the original novel but... it’s on hold for numerous reasons... And the manhua is still ongoing now. But nonetheless, each script has its countless funny moments, and the couple never fail to prove to us love does exist. And CEO Zhang loves his wife no matter what happens.
Adding on, the voice actors, Jing Xiang Shui Yi (Zhang Chengfei) and Yang Zai (Jiao Qi) had incredible chemistry together for this was their 2nd project together. Their voices do fit the characters well and did excellent jobs in conveying the emotions just by their voices. They made the characters come to life and made listeners fall in love with them too.
2. Accidentally Married a Man full of Vinegar (1 season, completed)
Another comfort audio drama. Too many re-listens.
Synopsis: While drinking his sorrows away in a bar one night, Chu Yi picks up his future husband then and there, drunk, and after doing the unimaginable. After that, a handsome customer appeared in his design studio, asking, “Mr Chu, have you forgotten me?”
“Excuse me, but you are...?”
“Qin Yiheng. Are you looking to get married this year? Because I do, and I think we’re compatible.”
With the growing pressure from both parents, they decided to get married when all they knew were each other’s names, and their skills on bed...? But as the saying goes, time reveals a person’s heart - for Chu Yi, he did realise how much jealousy his husband had in him, and for Qin Yiheng, how much he actually cared for his new husband. While others date first before getting married, this couple got married first before they started to date.
Qin Yiheng was someone new to the relationship stuff and all. It was cute that he didn’t understand why Chu Yi asked for certain things, or why would his assistant suggested him to do certain things because he was married. But of course he was a fast learner and soon enough, he captured his husband’s heart. The 15 episode audio drama captured their journey together, as they finally became a real married couple. And of course, Qin Yiheng’s growth as a lover as well.
Additionally, the voice actors too, Hu Liang Wei (Chu Yi) and Jiang Xu (Qin Yiheng) had incredible chemistry as well. Their voices were really soothing too for such a sweet drama.
3. Your distance (1 season, completed)
Synopsis: Distance is a social platform that displays the distance between parties. To prevent the chances of bumping into the person he wants to flirt with in real life, Ting Shuang chose to match with someone 287km away. Everything was going well, other than his ex-boyfriend who cheated on him pestering to reconcile. But things got worse when he realise Cycle, the guy he called “darling” to get rid of his annoying ex, was 4.8km away from him?! Slowly, the distance decreased to 3m when he was in school. Which means...?!
After much denial, Ting Shuang finally admitted that his hellish professor, Bai Changyi, was Cycle that he matched with. Despite the 12-years age difference, they started their life as a couple.
I enjoyed the drama as with the age difference, the two guys were from different generations. And Ting Shuang would not let Bai Changyi live (more like he didn’t let him forget how old he actually was). But what I enjoyed the most was how Professor Bai was really mature and exerted that in their relationship. When Ting Shuang was being immature and refusing to communicate, Professor Bai would use his ways to deal with that, not allowing the miscomm trope to even take place. And how they dealt with problems were different and refreshing to see.
The voice actors, Yang Zai (Ting Shuang) and Zheng Xi (Bai Changyi), were great with their characters. Zheng Xi had the voice to show the stableness of Professor Bai and Yang Zia’s voice, in contrary with his partner’s, showed the difference in their maturity. And that helped with the drama and plot a lot.
4. Ex-husband’s call (1 season, completed)
Synopsis: After being set up with a handsome police officer with a great body, Tong Qiu, a school teacher with a uniform fetish, started dating him with the consideration of marriage in mind. And after 3 months, they got married with the agreement that if Tong Qiu wanted a divorce in a year, Huo Zhixing would agree to it wholeheartedly.
Fast forward to a year later, Tong Qiu: “Huo Zhixing, let’s file for a divorce.”
But that didn’t mean it was the end to Huo Zhixing. No matter how much Tong Qiu had to remind his friends that that was his ex-husband, everyone could tell Police Officer Huo had other plans. And that kicked off the courtship from Huo Zhixing.
I felt that this audio drama had simply taught us that in a relationship, never hide your true self as that’ll be what keep a relationship strong. I’m not going to spoil much here as I really do encourage people to go listen to this, it’s a really heart-warming drama and I thoroughly enjoyed it and was really happy I found it. The small actions from Huo Zhixing were really obvious actually and was really cute when sometimes it got Tong Qiu questioning himself. And slowly seeing Tong Qiu looking over the uniform and at the police officer himself was a nice journey to follow on. And of course there was a tad bit of angst but it was definitely for character growth.
As for the voice actors, Dao Diao Nan (Huo Zhixing) and Tang Cu Pai Gu (Tong Qiu), I felt that TCPG had some moments in the drama that... his voice was a little off for the character in a way I can’t really describe. But nonetheless he did a great job for this character who is a teacher and had hid his different sides. Dao Diao Nan also did an excellent job where there were definitely moments in which you could tell his voice had much more to say beyond the script, and it was amazing.
Trigger warning for this one as a very side character committed s**cide.
Please feel free to drop any recommendations! I would appreciate them! And I guess from my recommendations it’s quite easy to tell I’m one that goes for lighthearted dramas haha so please don’t hold back anything you wanna share!
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