#woflstar angst
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What we do to get by, Part 10
(a small warning before we begin: TW: physical assault (off-screen). I want to add that, because of Remus’s work, it could look like sexual assault. It is not.
Also, if this was on AO3, it would be rated M or E, and that shouldn’t surprise you with my writing. 😘)
Read the rest here.
***
Sirius was in the kitchen, cleaning up the last of the dishes from his visit with James, when he heard something crash against the front door. He grabbed his wand, quietly walking out to the door Just before he got there, it swung open and Remus fell through, landing on the hard floor.
Sirius was already moving before he fully assessed Remus, which turned out to be a mistake. Remus winced at his touch. Sirius withdrew his hand, looking closely at Remus now.
He had darkening bruises on his arms and face, visible even through the glamour that Sirius knew he was still wearing, and Sirius worried about how bad it was if that was the case. Remus was holding his arm to his chest, and Sirius realized that he must have jostled it when he grabbed him.
“You’re hurt. Can I help you?”
Remus shifted until he was sitting cross-legged on the floor, and he nodded up at Sirius. Sirius sat across from him, knees nearly pressing together, and held a hand out. Remus moved gingerly, resting his arm in Sirius’s hand.
Sirius cast first a pain numbing spell, which relieved a lot of the tension in his brows, and then a few diagnostic spells. As he suspected, Remus’s arm was broken. He stood up then, walking to the kitchen. He grabbed a healing potion and turned around to find Remus had followed him.
“I was coming back. You didn’t have to move.”
Remus shrugged and sat gingerly down at the kitchen table. Sirius set the potion down in front of him, and took the closest seat. Remus drained it in one go, and his face relaxed. Sirius started by healing the bruises and cuts he could see, but hesitated for moving on to the bigger heal.
"Let me have your arm, then. I'll mend it."
Remus held out his arm, which Sirius took gingerly. He trailed his wand down Remus's arm, murmuring the spell to repair the bones. Sirius cast one more diagnostic charm, confirming the heal, and set Remus's arm down on the table.
"Thank you." His voice was small, barely more than a whisper.
"It may tingle for a bit. By product of the spells."
Remus nodded, and flexed his fingers in front of him. Sirius sat back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest. “Want to tell me what happened?”
Remus chewed on the corner of his lip for a moment, and Sirius thought he might not answer. Remus sighed, and leaned forward on his elbows against the table. “I did a big party tonight, with lots of extras. That meant I left with lots of money. Maybe I’d been obvious, I don’t know. I’m usually pretty discreet. These guys followed me into the park, and they–” he stopped talking then, running a flat hand along his jaw as he took a deep breath. “I was mugged.”
Sirius’s fingers itched to reach for him, gripping his own arm when he wanted to grab Remus to pull him close. Except Remus seemed to retract in on himself when he said it, embarrassed by whatever weakness he thought he was showing, and Sirius thought that hugging him now would only make it worse.
“That fucking blows.”
Remus’s eyes shot up to Sirius’s, a shadow passing over them before he burst out laughing. Sirius couldn’t help but laugh, too, especially as Remus laid his head on his arms, shoulders shaking as though he couldn’t stop himself.
“Fuck, I needed that.” Remus sat up, wiping under his eye. “I just feel so stupid about it. I should have known what there were doing. Pulled out my wand or something, you know?”
Sirius drummed his fingers against the table, then as casually as possible, asked, “What were you doing in the park?” Remus was quiet for a long moment, and when Sirius looked at him again, Remus was looking down at the table. “What, Moony? What were you doing?”
“I was looking for a place to sleep.”
The floor fell out from under him. Remus was mugged, at night, in a park where he was trying to find a place to sleep. A silence fell over the room, heavy with the implication of what it meant, the door to the bedroom that was Remus’s just a few feet away from them.
Remus chose to sleep in a park, and Remus was mugged, and Sirius was pretty sure it was still his fault.
Sirius stood up from the table suddenly, making Remus jump, and left the room. He wasn’t sure where he was going. He paced the living room, and was on the far side of the couch when Remus came out of the kitchen. He leaned against the doorframe, hands in his pocket, looking down. Sirius wanted to punch him, and he wanted to kiss him, and he was really glad that Remus was on the other side of the room because he honestly didn’t know which he would do if Remus was within arm’s reach.
“Why, Remus?” Sirius kept pacing, unable to look at Remus any longer. “Am I really that bad? Is living with me that bad?”
“It’s not that, Sirius.” His voice was small but confident, and that might have hurt worse.
“How can it not be?” Sirius buried his hands in his hair, gripping the roots and pulling hard enough that he wondered if he’d lose hair. “I don’t understand how you could prefer to sleep in a park, where you got mugged, than to stay here with me. There must be something wrong with me, because you’re choosing to be cold and afraid and broken than with me.”
Remus's voice took on a steely quality “I’m not broken, and I’m not afraid.”
“You should be afraid!” Sirius could feel the edges of rationality peeling up around him, leaving him a shriveled mess, a used napkin used to wipe up the remains of their friendship, whatever seeping dregs remained. “I’m afraid for you, and I’m not even the one out there. And don’t tell me that you’re not broken when you showed up here with broken bones, bruises, and cuts, and it’s not even the first time.”
“Okay,” Remus squeezed his eyes shut, running a hand through his hair and scratching his scalp. “Okay, I had some broken bones tonight, but I’m not broken. I’m not a broken person.”
“No, you’re not.” If there was one thing that was incredibly clear to Sirius, it was that Remus was not broken. Despite everything that he’d been through, and all the ways he’d had to adapt and learn to survive in this life, Remus was not broken. “You’re not, but you don’t have to keep pushing until you are.”
“I didn’t have a choice, Sirius!” Remus held his arms wide. “I did what I had to do, and I won’t make apologies for it. I fucking survived it, and you don’t get to hold that against me.”
Sirius furrowed his brows, not entirely sure how the conversation took this direction. “I’m not, Remus. I promise that I’m not. I’m so happy you survived. I’m so glad you’re still here, no matter what it took to make that happen.”
Remus was looking at him now with all the pain on his face that he must have been feeling, and Sirius couldn’t stop himself from closing the distance. He hopped over the couch, crossing the room to meet Remus in the doorway.
He stopped in front of Remus, forcing himself not to touch him, but they were just inches apart and it was almost close enough. “I’m not trying to blame you or belittle you for what you had to do to get here. You’re stronger and braver and so much more resilient than I ever was, but Remus, you don’t have to do this alone.”
Remus looked at him, golden eyes looking molten in the low light. “Don’t I?”
Sirius couldn’t stand the distance then. He wrapped a hand around Remus’s neck, another hand on his forearm, and stepped close enough to press their foreheads together. Sirius wanted to kiss him so badly he could taste it. “You don’t have to do it alone, Remus. Just trust me. I know what I’m asking, because I broke that trust once. But I promise you. I promise that you are safe with me. Let me help you.” Sirius pulled them closer still, their noses brushing together, and Sirius could feel Remus’s breath on his lips. “Stay with me, Remus. Let me help you.”
“Sirius.” The sound was broken, cracked. Ripped out of Remus, from somewhere deep down, where Sirius was still the boy he had been at sixteen, who had broken Remus’s trust, who had told Snape, who had forced Remus to this life that left him damaged if not broken.
It was not the sound of someone who wanted Sirius.
Sirius took a deep breath, giving himself just a moment to hold Remus like this. He released his arm and his neck, then took a step back, and then another. His legs hit the back of the couch. He couldn’t look up at Remus now.
“Stay tonight, at least.” Sirius bit his lip, feeling like everything was slipping away. “If you want to leave tomorrow, that’s fine and I won’t stop you. Please just… Stay tonight.”
He didn’t wait for an answer, but escaped to his bedroom. When the door closed, he threw up a silencing charm before clapping his hand over his mouth. He couldn’t hold back the sob, he couldn’t muffle it, and all he could do was hope that the silencing charm held.
***
Sirius lay in his bed later, unable to sleep without knowing if Remus stayed, but also unable to leave the room to find out. He wasn’t sure what would be worse–finding Remus had left and knowing that it was over, or finding that Remus stayed and having to face him again. What else could he say? He’s put himself on the line, and if Remus didn’t–
There was a quiet knock on the door to Sirius's room, and he rolled over just as the door opened. "Sirius?"
"Yeah." He looked at the silhouette of Remus, framed by the soft yellow overhead light. "Did you need something?"
Remus didn't say anything. He just walked around the bed and crawled in beside Sirius. Sirius’s heart began to hammer against his ribs. He had no idea what Remus was doing, or what Sirius was supposed to do now, but he was too afraid that if he asked, Remus would leave.
Remus laid on his back, blanket draped over his waist, and Sirius was all too aware of the fact that Remus was here, next to him. If he slipped his hand through the cool sheet, it would find warmth on the other side where Remus was laying, and eventually, it would reach Remus.
Sirius rolled so that he was also laying on his back. He didn’t speak. He didn’t move. He barely breathed. Nevertheless, Remus was next to him. Was this some sort of goodbye? Did Remus come to tell him that it was too much, that Sirius was too much?
Remus rolled toward him, and Sirius could barely think for it. Remus was looking at him, but Sirius was too afraid to look back out of concern that he might spook Remus, who was inexplicably in his bed. So he stared pointedly at the ceiling instead, counting the cracks and hoping Remus would stay.
He was always hoping Remus would stay.
"Sirius."
Sirius turned toward him, and they were a breath apart. His nose would brush against Remus's nose if he just moved forward a tiny bit. He focused on not moving at all. He’d nearly kissed Remus in the living room, and that had been a mistake. He couldn’t do that now. He couldn’t spoil this now.
He was close enough to count the freckles on Remus's nose, even in the low light from the door, and see that his eyelashes lightened at the tips. He felt Remus's breath on his face, and he breathed in so that he could breathe in Remus too.
Remus closed the distance between them, pressing his forehead to Sirius's, the tips of their noses pushed together, and Sirius closed his eyes and let himself just be this close to Remus. Remus was close, so close, and all Sirius had to do was lean forward, and they could be kissing. He couldn’t, though.
“Sirius.” His voice was nearly a growl,
Things with Remus had been so fragile, and what if he misread this situation. This could still be goodbye or some sort of masochistic challenge where Sirius was supposed to prove they could be friends. What if he wanted Sirius to prove that he could do this, he could be close like this without ruining it?
If that’s what it took, then Sirius would wait forever, even if it killed him.
Only…Remus leaned forward, and their lips brushed. It was a delicate, reverent kiss that barely existed, but it was a crack in the dam that released everything. Remus pulled back, looking between Sirius’s eyes as though the answers to all the questions Remus had left were written between his eyes. He kissed him again, and Sirius grabbed him by the neck, threading his fingers into Remus’s hair. Remus’s hands found his hips, clinging to him as he deepened the kiss.
The way Remus kissed felt urgent in a way that belied false confidence and bravado. Sirius didn’t take the lead the way he wanted to, didn’t chase Remus’s tongue the way he wanted to, but let Remus set the pace as they kissed.
It was Remus’s hands that pushed Sirius’s shirt off of his head, and Remus’s hands that led Sirius’s hands to Remus’s skin. It was Remus that pushed things forward until they were lying naked, heated skin sticking to each other, with Sirius’s cock pressed into Remus’s thigh.
Sirius pulled back–where he found the willpower to do so, he couldn’t even begin to say–and looked Remus in the eyes. His pupils were blown wide, and Sirius could see the desire there, but he couldn’t be sure it wasn’t manufactured. “Are you sure? I need you to be sure.”
“I’m sure.” Remus rolled away, and Sirius thought that he was leaving before he grabbed Sirius’s wand off the nightstand, pointing it at himself and whispering the charms to clean, lubricate, and prepare himself. (Which, fucking Merlin, was there anything hotter than using Sirius’s wand for that?) He set the wand back on the nightstand, then faced away from Sirius. “Fuck me, Sirius.”
Sirius growled, wrapping his arms around Remus’s waist and pressing open-mouthed kisses to his shoulders and neck. Sirius moved them until Remus was on his hands and knees, and Sirius sank inside of him.
It was everything he had spent years dreaming of, and it was better than his every fantasy.
Sirius fucked him slowly, trying to savor it. First times held a certain magic in them, the kind of magic muggles talked about that occasionally translated to actual magical possibi9lity. The anticipation, the building, the bloody focus on everything coming together was filled with so much potential and promise, and Sirius had wanted this so desperately for so long.
The magic was so thick that it sparked around them, and when Remus came undone under him, Sirius could have cast the hardest spells without breaking a sweat.
They laid panting in the bed when they were done, magic still crackling between them. They went to bed without bothering to clean beyond a few charms, and slept embracing each other. Sirius thought, in the moments before sleep overtook him, that this was the perfect ending.
***
Sirius woke up alone, but he couldn’t help smiling as he walked out to the kitchen after a shower and finding a clean pair of trousers. He didn’t bother putting on a shirt. Remus was sitting at the table with a cup of tea and a book in front of him. He was wearing one of Sirius’s sweaters and a pair of joggers, and Sirius nearly leaned in and kissed him.
They could do the kissing thing now, right? If you shag, surely you can kiss?
He didn’t, and instead just sat next to Remus at the table and poured a cup. “Last night was great.”
“What?” Remus looked up, barely looking him in the eyes, and looked away. “Oh, yeah.”
It was a bit of an odd reaction, but things had been odd between them. Sirius pressed on. “I would love to do it again, if you want.”
“Sure.” Remus was chewing on his thumbnail and focused on his book.
Sirius furrowed his brows. “I don’t know if you prefer to bottom, but we could switch if you want. I wouldn’t mind bottoming for you.”
“Yeah, I mean. Whatever you want the arrangement to be.” Remus was purposefully not looking at him now, and the whole interaction sat sour in his stomach.
“Arrangement, what do you–” It hit him then, what Remus was saying. What Remus was really saying. “You mean–” he breathed hard, barely able to get the words to his tongue, much less out of his mouth “–you mean that you slept with me as–as some sort of payment to stay with me?”
Remus shrugged, still not meeting his eyes. “I told you I didn’t have anything to offer, and you said we could work out an arrangement.”
Sirius was standing before he realized it, his chair clattering backward on the tile floor. He was pacing the kitchen. “I meant that you could cook, maybe. Or wash the dishes!”
“I don’t know how to cook.” Remus began picking his nails, determinedly not looking at Sirius. “And I’m shite at cleaning spells.”
“Well, then something like cooking or cleaning, then!”
“You didn’t seem to mind last night.” Remus shrugged. “You seemed to enjoy it.”
“Oh, fuck you, Remus.” Sirius stopped pacing and buried his head in his hands. “Fuck you. I thought you wanted me. I thought you came to me because you wanted to shag me, not because you felt obligated to.”
“You wanted to?”
“Yes!” Sirius was yelling, and he knew it. He couldn’t stop it. He was on the edge of hysteria, or maybe he had fallen over that edge already, or maybe he was just hanging on by his fingertips. “Of course I wanted to, because I’m so fucking in love with you and–”
He froze when he realized what he said. Remus finally met his eyes. “You love me?”
Sirius swallowed, barely able to breathe and feeling like there was an ocean crashing around him. “I have to go.”
Sirius turned and walked out the door, wearing nothing more than a pair of trousers, and apparated away.
***
Lily opened the door when he knocked, an eyebrow raising and the corner of his lip teasing up. “Black, guests generally come to my home wearing a shirt and shoe–”
“Lily.” There must have been something in his voice, though he couldn’t hear it through the hysteria growing in his chest, because Lily stopped her teasing and nodded, indicating inside the house.
“James?” She called over her shoulder as she shut the door, and James came jogging around the corner.
James took one look at him standing there–and Sirius really wondered what he looked like, or if this was just James and of course, James knew him. He grimaced at Sirius and beckoned him with a wave of his hand. “You better come inside and tell me what happened.”
~~~
author’s note: I’m so sorry.
#what we do to get by#wolfstar#remus lupin#sirius black#woflstar angst#what if the prank ended differently?#snitchwrites
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Need a modern day au where Lily and Regulus fake date. It starts out after Lily panics and tells her friends that she's dating Regulus because it's the first name that pops in her head, but also she figures no one would be able to confirm it because none of her friends talk to him. One thing leads to another, and eventually Regulus hears about it, but instead of denying it, he goes along because he wants an opportunity to talk to Sirius. During their "dates" they bond over missing their siblings and become really good friends (lots of sibling ansgst because I'm a sucker for that shit). Padora is still Regulus best friend, but Lily is the first person Regulus goes to when he realizes he has a crush on James. Lily does the same for her feelings for Mary.
Lily introduces him to muggle literature and music, which Regulus becomes obsessed with to the point that when his studying, you will randomly hear him mumble the lyrics to his favorite song. (Even though indie is his favorite genre, his favorite album is Folklore because I said so. His favorite book is Little Women because his so Amy coded). On his birthday, Lily gifts him a beautiful telescope because even though there are magical ways to observe the stars, Regulus is obsessed with muggle objects. In return, Regulus buys her a fancy potions kit because that's her favorite subject and a gold necklace with a little lily charm that has an emerald stone.
p.s. fuck JK Rowling.
#give it to me pls#my obsession with regulus black is becoming a problem#anyway i need lily and Regulus to be friends because i just know they would bond over being the youngest sibling#also give me more regulus and sirius angst#regulus loves his brother but his also a stubborn constipated little dude who doesn't know how to tell him that he loves him#regulus black#sirius black#lilly evans#james potter#remus lupin#peter pettigrew#regulus x james#jegulus#woflstar#harry potter#sirius and regulus#regulus angst#starchaser#sunseeker#mary x lily
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Starlit Left, Moonlit Right
Chapter Four - Named For The Stars
“I would have to be dead, because I won’t ever tire of you.” It was a clear attempt at flirting, at distracting Sirius with an overly saccharine comment, and Sirius usually loved to be on the receiving end of this side of Moony, a side he saw relatively infrequently. But just then, it felt patronizing and fake.
“Oh, no?” Sirius scoffed. “Certainly felt like you grew tired of me the last time we were together.”
Sirius’ argument was met with an immediate huff from Remus’ lips, though Sirius couldn’t determine if it was born of annoyance or of pain. “Is that what you think?” Remus asked, and from his softened tone of voice, Sirius wondered if he’d made a mistake. In the very next instant, a furrow moved through Remus’ brow and Sirius reevaluated again. “Do you really believe that I had you pinned down, with no other motive but to touch you, and that all of this occurred because I was … tired of you?”
“I begged you to kiss me, Moony, and you left me there.”
“Because I am terrified of you!” Remus shouted, disrupted by a cry of pain as he doubled over to clutch at his battered ribs. Shocked and still, Sirius didn’t know whether to move forward or stay away.
In a quiet, troubled voice, Sirius repeated the damaging statement. “You’re … terrified of me?”
Read Chapter Four on Ao3
#Starlit Left Moonlit Right#Chapter Four#Woflstar#Wolfstar fic#Remus x Sirius#Remus Lupin x Sirius Black#Remus Lupin#Sirius Black#James Potter#Peter Pettigrew#I don't think there is anything in this fic but angst#like at all#also i probably should've posted this chapter yesterday because i posted the last one on thursday but eh sorry about that#p.s. i just discovered i misnumbered my chapters#so there is one less chapter than i thought#i'm so sorry#anyway now that you know i'm a hot mess#and my fic is a hot mess#just ignore the plot holes you're bound to find#consider them foreshadowing#and we'll both pretend they tie in somewhere#(no but genuinely let me know if you find a glaring pot hole so i can fill it)#i mean there already is sort of one but i just explain it off like#eh he forgot about that thing that would've be helpful last chapter
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Sweater Weather
(A/N: Thanks for being patient guys!)
part vii
“Can I have everyone’s attention for a second?”
The entire room looked at James who was sweaty post-practice like the rest of them and making his way to the center of the locker room with a shit-eating grin on his face.
“What the fuck, what did you do?” Kasey said, beginning to look around himself warily, as if something was going to spring out at him and it was all James’ fault.
It wouldn’t be the first time.
“Cap, what did you and Pots do this time?” Logan asked.
Sirius, however, shrugged. “I don’t know anything. Honest.”
Even Sirius laughed about how dishonest that sounded.
“I swear on my goal streak,” Sirius said, and Logan raised his eyebrows.
“Heavy stuff,” Logan said.
“Excuse me, hello, hi,” James waved his hands. “This isn’t a prank,” he heaved a breath. “Although it might sound like one…I have an announcement.”
Remus had been very carefully avoiding looking at Sirius all day, but he did now. He wanted to see his face. Right then, he had stopped fiddling with the laces on his skate and looked up, brows lowered. No doubt he was wondering what James could possibly have to say that he didn’t already know.
“Well?” Kasey said. “We’re all looking at you, Pots.”
“Right.” James was staring at Sirius and nervously cracking his knuckles one by one.
Remus couldn’t help but smile a little bit. Even if James was telling the entire team, this message was for Sirius.
“Yep, okay,” James cleared his throat and spread his hands. “Lily is pregnant.”
There was a beat of silence in the room. Someone made a high noise, someone else laughed, and someone else gasped. Remus couldn’t stop watching Sirius’ face.
It remained completely still for a few moments, like his brain hadn’t quite caught up to what he’d heard. Then his eyebrows raised. Then a smile, slowly, spread across his face and he stood, dumbstruck.
“Holy shit,” Sirius said, then laughed, breaking the silence. “Holy shit.”
Then he was striding forward and gathering James in a tight hug—James who definitely looked like he was going to cry a little bit.
Sirius snapped the rest of the room out of it and they practically hollered. The team swarmed them, yelling about champagne and congratulations and a baby Potter.
“Let’s hope he or she doesn’t get your hair, eh?” Pascal grinned, looping an arm around James’ shoulders. “Félicitations, mon ami.”
James laughed, a little wetly. “Thanks, Dumo. Any advice?”
Dumo smiled. “Try not to spoil them. It’s impossible.”
Kaner nodded solemnly from James’ other side. “It’s true. When Justin was born I thought it was bad, but wait until you have two. They’re the cutest fucking things I’ve ever seen and I can’t say no.”
Kasey snorted. “Spoil them as much as you’d like, I’m still going to be their favorite uncle.”
“Please,” Logan scoffed. “we all know Sirius is going to be the favorite uncle.”
Sirius laughed, arms crossed over his chest and looking at James fondly. “I think any one of us will be guilty of being wrapped around the kid’s finger.”
“How far along is she?” Leo asked.
“Almost five months. We’ll be able to tell the gender when Lily goes to the doctor’s next.”
“You kept this a secret from everyone for five months?” Kasey said. “James!”
“Well, it was Lily’s call! And…” James smiled, “not everyone.”
Sirius spluttered a little. “Who knew?”
Remus felt his neck heat a little even before all the eyes in the room followed James’ to him.
“Loops?” Kasey laughed, “Lupin! You traitor!”
“Remus knew?” Sirius said faintly, and then Remus couldn’t help but look at him.
Since this morning, he had been practically religious about sticking to his work, about keeping to himself. Last night, when he had finally gotten home after the party, he had laid in bed mulling over what Sirius had said—what he had said.
It’d be worth it.
Too hard.
And Sirius—Sirius wanted him. He’d wanted him for a long time. Remus couldn’t look at Sirius, not knowing that. Not knowing that every time he’d looked at Sirius, Sirius had been looking back. Sirius wanted him.
Remus had imagined that confession a million times over, but never once had it been like that. He’d never thought that it would hurt.
The worst part was, he wasn’t even mad at Sirius. Maybe he should be. If anything, Sirius had led him on, at least a little. But Remus understood. He understood that Sirius was lost, and all he could do now was hope he’d given Sirius enough information to help him figure out what he wanted to do. Remus wanted to help, but he had to protect himself, too.
He wouldn’t be strung along. He wouldn’t be an experiment. He wouldn’t be an embarrassed late night call.
Sirius knew how he felt. Now, he just had to figure out how he himself felt.
And Remus would wait, but not for the wrong reasons, and not forever.
They had a day off tomorrow and it couldn’t have been timed more perfectly. It wasn’t often that Remus wanted to get away from hockey entirely but, right now, all he wanted to do was curl up on his couch and sleep, or catch up on the book he was reading. Hell, he wanted to watch endless hours of television. He was tired, bone tired. It turned out that mutual confessions of feelings that lead to nowhere was even more exhausting that dismissals.
He could still hear some of the guys celebrating and talking loudly about James and Lily from where he was in his the kitchen. He was making himself a warm tea for the road when there was a cough from behind him. He turned to look over his shoulder, then turned back around. He cleared his throat, too, and carefully lifted his tea bag out of his cup and into the garbage.
“Hi,” he said to Sirius, back turned.
“Hi,” Sirius said, and then he came to stand next to Remus at the counter. Remus could see him out of the corner of his eye. He was turned towards him completely.
“Please look at me,” Sirius said, voice dropped quiet. “You haven’t looked at me all day.”
Remus raised his eyebrows, staring down at his tea as he tried to muster the right response. He sighed, finally, and turned to face Sirius, too, leaning his hip against the counter and crossing his arms.
“I don’t exist to look at you, Sirius. If that’s what you’re missing, then you can move along and we can forget about our Halloween conversation entirely.”
Sirius’ eyes widened and he all but tripped over himself to speak.
“No,” He said, a little loudly, and he looked around and dropped his voice again to match Remus’. “Fuck, Remus, that’s not what I meant at all.” He leaned back a little. “That’s what you think of me? That I’m some jacked up jock looking for an ego boost?”
“You fucking held me all night long and then told me you’ve liked me for you don’t even know how long but were never planning on acting on it!”
Remus felt his expression morph into one of surprise. He hadn’t even really know he wanted to say that until he did. He didn’t even know he was this angry about it all. He hadn’t thought he was angry to begin with. Sirius’ expression matched his own.
Remus turned back to the counter, taking a long breath. “How do you want me to feel, Sirius? I can’t just be buddy-buddy with you until you decide whether you can risk wanting me or not.”
“It isn’t just about me,” Sirius began but Remus cut him off.
“I know that,” he snapped, then pressed his hands over his face, groaning. “Fuck, I don’t mean to yell at you about this.” He dropped his hands and looked at Sirius again. “I told you I understand and I do, I just—this is…God, Sirius, you’re standing right in front of me and I want you, too.”
Sirius made a soft noise and his hand curled around Remus’ wrist. “Re.”
Remus shook him off, swallowing hard and picking up his cup. “Go be with your best friend. He’s having a baby.”
~
The Lions crowd was littered with signs wishing Sirius a happy birthday. The rink guards had even let a few little kids and their signs come down to the glass for warmups and press them where Sirius could see them.
Remus was watching Sirius smile happily as he tossed pucks over the glass for them to catch. He knew he probably had a wistful expression on his face, and there was a sure weight in his chest when Pascal skated over to the bench, stopping hard and leaning his forearms on the boards.
“Hi, Dumo,” Remus said.
Pascal only looked at him, head tilted. Then, he spit out his mouth guard into his hand and nodded at Remus. “You should come over for dinner tomorrow night, Remus. Me and the family—and Logan, of course—are throwing Sirius a little dinner party, just us French Canadians, for old time sake.”
Remus raised his eyebrows. “I’m not French Canadian.”
“You basically are. Besides, I’m inviting you. Me, Logan, Sirius, Celeste, and the kids. Very casual. I know James is having him over tonight—the little shit took his actual birthday—but Sirius used to practically live at my house.”
Remus laughed a little. “You complain about billet housing, and yet you seem to have an awfully hard time letting your kids go.”
Pascal shoved his arm. “He is all alone in that great big house of his. It’s true, I’d shove him back in my basement with Logan if I could.” Pascal smiled, “But don’t tell him that.”
Remus looked back to Sirius, who seemed to be communicating with a very young fan through waves and taps on the glass.
“He’ll want you there,” Pascal sing-songed.
“I don’t know,” Remus sighed.
Pascal placed a glove on Remus’ shoulder, pulling his attention back to him. His eyes were serious, but soft.
“I do,” Pascal said, then shoved his mouthguard back in with a wink and skated away to start the game against the Hufflepuff Badgers.
~
That was how Remus found himself knocking on the Dumais’ door at 7:00 o’clock sharp the next evening.
The door swung open to reveal Pascal with Katie on his hip.
“Remus!” he grinned, “Right on time, as usual.”
Remus smiled, stepping inside and shaking some snow off of his collar. It was early, but his weather forecast had told him there was going to be a severe storm tonight. He hung up his coat and slid out of his shoes at Pascal’s direction.
“Hi, Dumo.” he smiled, waving at Katie. “I hope you guys have candles. Apparently there’s going to be a huge blizzard tonight.”
“Really?” Pascal said absentmindedly, already turning back towards the warm kitchen. “I hadn’t noticed.”
“Blizzard!” Katie said, clapping her hands, “Kasey!”
“Parfait, ma chou.” Dumo kissed her cheek exaggeratedly, making her laugh. “Exactement.”
They walked into the kitchen and Remus shivered as the warmth hit him.
“Remus,” Pascal’s wife, Celeste, greeted him with a kiss on each cheek and then pressed a glass of wine into his hand which Remus took happily. Celeste smiled, “We are so happy you could come.”
“I am, too, thank you so much for—”
“Remus?”
Remus turned around, lowering his wine from where he had been about to take a sip.
Sirius and Logan were standing there, at the top of the basement stairs. Sirius had stopped dead in the doorway and Logan was behind him, peaking beneath Sirius’ arm. Sirius’ eyes were wide.
His chest squeezed and he smiled. “Hi, Sirius. Tremzy.”
Logan waved, and when Sirius still didn’t move, he rolled his eyes and shoved him, making him stumble a bit into the kitchen.
“Welcome to French court, Fruit-loop,” Logan grinned, punching him lightly in the shoulder. He stepped around him and pressed a short kiss to Celeste’s cheek. “Where the food is the best. And there’s little monsters to chase.” Logan growled playfully at Marc and Katie, who shrieked and laughed, running away from him as he chased them around the kitchen island. Pascal’s two slightly older children, Adele and Louis, looked like they were trying very hard to look unimpressed and like they were trying not to smile at the same time. The kids and Logan’s socks were slipping on the floor, whatever was simmering on the stove smelled incredible, and Remus was filled with an unmistakable sense of home.
He smiled briefly at Sirius again, who was still staring like he’d never seen Remus before, and turned back to the room.
“I can see why you can’t get rid of Logan.” He nodded at Celeste. “Dinner does smell incredible.”
“Are you here for dinner?” Sirius had finally torn himself away from the stairs and had come to stand next to Celeste.
Celeste clucked her tongue, hitting Sirius’ lightly in the chest with her dishtowel. “Sirius. Où sont tes manières?”
“No, I…” Sirius closed his mouth, flush. “I just didn’t know you were coming.”
“Oh?” Remus looked over at Pascal, who was very busy with stirring a pot on the stove. “I thought…”
“I think dinner is ready,” Pascal clapped his hands and grinned. “Adele, set the table, Louis help your mother bring the food out.”
“Katie and Marc could do it for once,” Adele grumbled, but hopped off her stool dutifully.
Remus looked back to Sirius when there was a rustle of bringing everything to the table. He had poured himself a glass of wine of his own and fell into stride with Remus as the followed the others to the dining room.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine. I thought Pascal would have told you, that’s all.” Remus took a sip of his drink, carefully not looking at Sirius. “I was as surprised as you to be invited.”
“Remus.”
Remus stopped and turned at Sirius’ hand on his arm. He looked up at him and tried his best to keep his face passive. A crease appeared between Sirius eyebrows that Remus badly wanted to smooth out.
“I was surprised to see you,” Sirius said. “Not unhappy to see you.”
Remus swallowed. “Oh. Well, good.”
Remus ended up between Sirius and Katie at dinner, and sitting across from a very smiley Pascal who kept shooting him looks like he knew something Remus didn’t. Once or twice Remus tried to subtly ask him what the hell was up with his eyes, but Pascal always looked away with a soft laugh. The kids and Logan kept most of the conversation going, and Sirius laughed and played along, but Remus could feel it every time Sirius’ eyes fell his way. He was sure Sirius could feel the same whenever Remus looked at him.
There was a tug on his shirt from his left, and Remus looked down at Katie’s large blue eyes.
“Joues-tu au hockey?” she asked in her soft voice. “Like my papa?”
Remus smiled, but shook his head. “I wish. I’m not as cool as your papa.”
“Finally! The praise I deserve.” Pascal said, and Celeste rolled her eyes, but she was smiling.
“I used to, though,” Remus said to Katie.
“Did you?” Pascal tilted his head. “I didn’t know that.”
Remus shrugged. “It’s…you know. I miss it, so I don’t talk about it much.”
“Jesus f—fudge,” Logan sent an apologetic smile to Celeste, then looked back to Remus. “You’ve got to play with us, bud. How did we not know this?”
“He’s already promised,” Sirius said, raising his glass to his lips. “All we have to do is win a Cup.”
All three players knocked on the wood of the table at the same time. Remus rolled his eyes at the superstition.
As soon as they knocked, the lights flickered out, making Adele squeak and throwing the table into semi-darkness. The moonlight reflected off the snow falling heavily outside and the wind practically howled.
“Whoa,” Logan said.
“Oh, a storm!” Pascal said, sounding far too delighted. He threw his napkin down. “I’ll get the candles, you were right, Lupin, you were right.” On his way out, he bent to drop a kiss to Celeste’s head.
“Well. The weatherman was right, really.” Remus stuttered.
Celeste scooted her chair back. “Pascal will never know where the candles are, I’ll be right back.” She hesitated then nodded to herself. “Why don’t we all go to the living room. We’re all almost done anyway and it’ll be more comfortable there. I’ll light the stove and bring coffee, too, non? And dessert.”
The kids scrambled at the mention of desert in the dark, giggling and begging Logan for a piggy back ride as they filed out of the dining room. He ended up groaning and laughing under the weight of the two smallest clinging to his arms and neck.
“I didn’t realize it was going to storm like this,” Sirius said as he and Remus followed the others.
“Me neither,” Remus glanced out the windows as they passed them. “I was mostly joking when I asked Dumo about the candles.”
“Guess the x-box isn’t working, then.”
Remus couldn’t help but laugh a little. “No, I guess not.”
“What,” Sirius said, bumping their shoulders lightly. “You don’t like x-box?”
Remus stopped just in the door, out of view of the dimly lit living room. “You aren’t allowed to do that right now.”
For a moment, Remus was worried he was going to have to explain himself from the look on Sirius’ face, but then Sirius stepped back. “Sorry, I…I’m sorry.”
Remus sighed, “You keep saying that.”
“I know.”
“Boys, go sit down!” Celeste yelled from the dark kitchen, and they dutifully went.
“Can I drive you home tonight? And we can talk?” Sirius murmured as they sat on the couch. He kept his eyes on Remus even as Katie wiggled her way into his lap.
Remus opened his mouth, but then there was a flickering light from the corner of his eye. When he looked, Dumo was there holding a chocolate, beautifully homemade cake. Celeste clapped her hands and Katie started the rather off-key version of happy birthday, only made better by Adele’s pretty voice.
Sirius had to tear his eyes away from Remus then and a smile broke out over his face despite himself. It was Remus’ favorite smile, with dimples and completely unselfconscious. Gorgeous. He wondered if Sirius had ever been treated like this at his real home. The thought brought an ache to his chest.
“Guys,” Sirius said, rubbing a hand over his cheek, which Remus noticed was more stubbly than usual. “Merci…thanks.”
“Le gateau!” Katie said delightedly.
“Oui,” Sirius said in his lovely, drawn out way. “Will you help me blow out the candles?”
“What are you going to wish for?” Adele said from where she was leaning forward in her chair.
Remus smiled a little. She absolutely had a crush on Sirius. Don’t we all, Remus wanted to say.
“Well, I can’t tell you.” Sirius hesitated. “It won’t come true. And…I think I need this one to come true.”
Sirius glanced at Remus again, then blew out the cake with Katie.
They were eating and drinking coffee when everyone’s phones started lighting up with severe storm warnings.
“Oh, would you look at that,” Pascal said, holding his phone close to his face. “Dangerous roads.”
Celeste hummed thoughtfully and went to the window. “Oh,” she said, pushing the curtain further aside. “God, we can barely see. I didn’t know it was going to be this bad.” She turned back to them. “Well…I don’t know if I want you boys driving in the dark like this. Especially after all the wine, the food…”
Remus looked down at his wine glass. He had been drinking freely because he had thought he was going to take a cab back. He wasn’t sure the cab services would be running now.
“You both should stay here,” Celeste said, coming back to the table and picking up her cake again. “Just to be safe. The snow plows will come in the morning. The worst that could happen is practice being delayed a little. We have a guest room, if you don’t mind sharing.”
Remus felt Sirius look at him, and was a little grateful. Sirius was giving him the opportunity to turn it down. But the roads looked bad. He would never forgive himself if he made Sirius drive in this weather and he got hurt somehow.
“That would be wonderful.” Remus sent Celeste a small smile. “And I don’t mind if Sirius doesn’t.”
“No,” Sirius said quickly, then cleared his throat. “I mean no, I don’t mind. At all. It’s fine.”
“Are we having a sleepover?” Katie said, relaxing back into Sirius’ chest and tapping his wrist for a bite of his cake.
“Cap and Loops are having a sleepover, mon cher,” Logan said, then stretched out his foot to nudge her feet until she laughed. “You and me can have a sleepover, how’s that?” He looked at Remus and raised a shoulder, “I’m just saying because she really will climb into your bed if you say yes.”
“Tremzy.” Katie sighed happily.
Celeste laughed, “She really will. I speak from experience. Anyway, finish you cake and coffee and I’ll make up the bed for you.”
“We can do that,” Remus took a bite of cake.
“Speak for yourself, Fruit-loop,” Pascal laughed. “I’ve never met a hockey player below 25 who can make up a bed for himself.”
“I can make a bed!” Sirius protested.
“We’ll see, won’t we?” Pascal raised his eyebrows and took a large, final bite of cake, grinning through it obnoxiously and making his kids laugh.
Celeste rolled her eyes fondly. “Stop teasing the boy, Pascal.” She waved towards there food. “Eat up, or I’ll have children begging for left over cake for the next week.”
Remus didn’t know how the Dumais’ had so many extra toothbrushes laying around, but he was glad for them and for Logan throwing extra t-shirts at them both to sleep in.
“You’ll have to suffer through two day underwear,” he had laughed. “As if you’ve never done that before.”
It was busy with the warm sounds of the kids getting ready for bed and yelling for Celeste, needing this or that. Remus felt relaxed by the lull of it, the presence of so many others in the house. He wondered if Sirius felt the same, if he also felt like he had too much room to know what to do with at home.
He was relaxed until Sirius closed the door behind them after wishing the family goodnight (Pascal giving them both exaggerated and smacking kisses to the cheeks) and they were alone and quiet.
Remus rubbed his hands nervously on his jeans before deciding to go over and pick up the shirt Logan had lent him. It was too big but it would be comfortable to sleep in. It had Logan’s name and number on the back and the Lions’ logo on the front. Remus looked at the Tremblay that spread between the shoulders and suddenly pictured a different name there. A different number. Black. 12.
“Ah, do you want the bathroom first?” Sirius’ voice cut into his thoughts and Remus turned abruptly.
“Oh.” He held the shirt against his chest, as if Sirius could see the evidence of his thoughts on it. “No. Go ahead.”
Sirius nodded and retreated to brush his teeth. Remus expected him to close the door but instead, he came wandering back out a second later, toothbrush in his mouth. He held it between his teeth by the bed, and Remus watched with raised eyebrows as he struggled to take his shirt off around it. When he succeeded and pulled a plain gray t-shirt over his head with minimal dripping from the toothpaste, he noticed Remus’ gaze.
“Quoi?” Sirius asked.
Remus kept his eyes firmly towards Sirius’ face and shook his head. “Nothing. Just—a funny order of operations you’ve got going there.”
Sirius looked down at his shirt, then at Remus, and shrugged, going back to brushing.
Remus tugged off his own shirt to change.
Sirius made a noise that was sort of a high pitched hum and Remus looked at him again.
“What?” he asked.
Whatever Sirius responded with was garbled by toothpaste and he disappeared into the bathroom. The back of his neck looked a little pink.
Remus let out a breath. He wasn’t going to survive the night. He figured he could brush his teeth, too, if Sirius wasn’t closing the door, and he picked up Logan’s shirt and tugged it over his head as he walked. He blinked against the bright light of the bathroom and stopped at the left sink. Sirius was running water over his face, and when he reached for the washcloth, he missed by a few inches. Remus pressed it into his hand and Sirius blinked water out of his eyes.
“Thanks,” Sirius said.
Remus nodded, putting toothpaste on his toothbrush. “Yeah.”
Sirius straightened. “Logan gave you that shirt?”
Remus looked at him in the mirror. Sirius question sounded like he was almost appalled by the notion. It made something in Remus’ chest squeeze.
“Yeah. He probably just picked two up from his floor.” Remus leant down and spit, running the water. “I’d guess we’re wearing week old laundry right now.” Then, he couldn’t help adding, “why?”
He watched in the mirror as Sirius’ eyes ran over his back, over Logan’s name and number. Sirius’ nostrils flared a little as he took a large breath.
“I don’t know,” Sirius finally said, then turned and went back into the bedroom.
Sirius was already in bed—on the right side—when Remus came. Sirius had drawn the covers back and was on his phone, one knee bent and raised out of the sheets. Remus collapsed on the left and doodled around on his own phone for a while. It was…nice. Sitting beside someone. Even if they were completely quiet, Remus liked the company, the weight in the bed. It felt like something he wouldn’t mind getting used to.
The wind howled outside, and they both jumped when they heard what sounded like tree branches brush against the window.
“Jesus,” Remus said. “Wonder what the world’s going to look like tomorrow.”
“Yeah,” Sirius clicked his phone off. Remus was going to remind him to silence it before they slept. “That sounds pretty rough. Mind if I…?”
When he trailed off, Remus looked to see his hand hovering by the light.
“Oh, yeah. Go ahead.” Remus turned his phone off, too. He was doing fine on battery, but he would need to borrow a charger over breakfast. The light flicked off and they were left with the wind and the dark. They’d closed the shades and Remus could barely see his own hands.
Remus listened to Sirius breathing for a moment, wondering if he was just going to fall asleep. That would be fine, probably better, really, but a small part of Remus had hoped that, maybe—
“James asked me to be the godfather,” Sirius said suddenly into the dark.
Remus couldn’t help but turn to look at him, even if they couldn’t see each other. “Sirius. That’s amazing.”
Sirius made a soft noise of acknowledgement, then fell silent for a few moments again. Remus let him think.
“How does he know?” Sirius whispered.
“Know what?”
Sirius let out a breath. “Nothing. Sorry, nothing, I just had to tell someone. I’ve been—God, I’ve just been thinking about it since he asked and…I’m so happy, I am, I just…”
“It’s a daunting thought for anyone,” Remus said softly.
“Right. Yeah. It is.”
“I,” Remus swallowed. “I get why it would be, especially so for you. But being scared by it doesn’t mean you’re the wrong choice. It means you’re the right choice.”
Sirius laughed softly. “You always know what to say to me, don’t you?”
Remus let out a laugh of his own. “No. No, I really don’t.”
They fell into silence again, staring up into the dark. Remus tried to close his eyes, but all that turned into was listening to Sirius’ breathing and remembering that morning when he had woken up in Sirius’ arms. Sirius’ hand in his hair and his breath against his neck. Now that he knew that, even then, Sirius had wanted him, it made it all hurt even more.
“Were you pretending to be asleep?” Remus asked quietly.
“Now?”
“No,” Remus sunk back against his pillow. “The day you slept in my hotel room. After we lost to the Rangers. We woke up and we were—together.”
“Oh,” Sirius said. Remus heard him take a breath. “Well. I…I didn’t think I’d get the chance again. I’m sorry if that’s weird.”
Remus closed his eyes. “No. I just…I don’t know, I shouldn’t have asked.” Remus kept his eyes closed, took a breath, and said, “I was pretending, too.”
Sirius groaned a little, “Remus.”
There was a rustling as Sirius turned on his side. Remus turned towards him and he could just make out Sirius’ features as his eyes adjusted to the darkness. Sirius was shadows and silver outlines, fuzzy with the quiet in the room.
Remus mirrored Sirius’ position. Their hands were tucked between them and Remus inched his head closer to Sirius’ on his pillow.
“This is probably the last thing you want to be doing right now,” Sirius breathed. “I’m sorry.”
Remus shook his head. “It’s more like the last thing I should be doing. But it couldn’t be closer to what I want.” Remus paused at Sirius’ sharp intake of breath. “I already told you that.”
Sirius’ eyes moved down to their hands and they rested on Remus’ open palm, soft on the mattress between them.
“I wished for something when Dumo brought the cake out,” Sirius looked back at Remus. “I’ve wished for the same thing almost every year of my life, but this year it was different.”
Remus could feel his heart in his fingertips. “Oh?”
“I used to wish that—that I could be different. Or maybe that I would stop being different, I guess.”
Remus raised his head off of his pillow a little, heart pulling. “Sirius…”
Sirius shook his head and pressed his cheek farther into his pillow. “I wished every chance that I had that I could just stop—wanting. Stop wanting what everyone around me was implying that I couldn’t have. Stop wanting what I knew I couldn’t want.”
Remus let out a breath. It made sense now. How cold Sirius had been in the beginning. He’d been beaten down. He’d beaten himself down, and he’d been beating himself down for his entire life.
“I didn’t wish for that tonight,” Sirius whispered. When he looked at Remus again, his eyes were shining in the dimness. He reached forward and pressed his palm over Remus’, slowly sliding their fingers together. “Remus, I didn’t wish for that tonight. I couldn’t. I was wrong.”
Remus squeezed his hand, pulling it against his chest. He couldn’t help it. He needed Sirius to know he was there. He hoped Sirius could feel how hard his heart was beating in his chest.
“Wrong?” Remus asked.
Sirius blinked, eyes steady. He looked crumbled but beautiful, like a ruined cathedral that was now open to the sky. “I don’t want it to stop. I know the risks but—God, Remus, when I look at you how could I wish for anything else?”
“Sirius,” Remus breathed. “God, Sirius—”
Sirius pushed himself up then, just enough to bend over Remus in the dark, their hands still locked between them, resting on Remus’ chest. Remus wound his fingers in Sirius’ hair and pulled him down, their noses brushing.
Sirius groaned. “Please don’t let me trap you. Please, Remus, you have to be sure. I can’t—I can’t offer you anything except behind closed doors. Not right now, at least. Not yet.”
“I know,” Remus hushed, fingers stroking the nape of his neck. “I told you, I already told you, and you have to listen to me, okay? Listen.” Remus released Sirius’ hand and cupped his jaw, thumb stroking over his bottom lip, and then his temple, his cheek. “You are worth it, Sirius. You’re kind and good, and I want to be with you even if it’s only when we’re alone. I’ll know. For the entire day when we can’t do anything more than glance and smile at each other, I’ll know what each look means.”
Sirius dropped their foreheads together, his lips pressing just beside Remus’ mouth with a soft sound. Remus closed his eyes, entire body feeling coiled with tension, waiting. Wanting.
“I don’t know how many times you’ve heard that you aren’t good enough,” Remus whispered against Sirius’ skin. “But I’m going to make you forget each one.”
Sirius shuttered. Remus felt it as Sirius let his chest rest against his, pressing them together.
“Re,” Sirius had barely breathed out, and then Remus pulled their mouths together and kissed him.
Sirius groaned into it and Remus heard himself do the same as Sirius’ fingers found his hip and cheek, keeping him steady while Sirius angled his head to deepen the kiss, running his tongue along Remus’ lip. Remus pressed up and against him, hands smoothing from his neck to his waist, rather shameless about feeling each rise and fall of his body along the way. Each stroke seemed to make Sirius kiss him harder, more frantically, like he was making up for lost time.
“Fuck,” Sirius murmured as he kissed down Remus’ jaw, pausing at the place where it met his neck. Sirius slotted his thigh between Remus’ and Remus gasped. Sirius was a hard, hot line against his hip and he was relentless in the presser he was applying in warm rolls against Remus’ quickly filling dick.
Remus let out a sigh at the feeling, pressing his arms to Sirius’ upper back and feeling the muscles move beneath his skin as Sirius worked himself against Remus’ body.
“Oh God,” Remus panted. “Oh God, we can’t have sex in Dumo’s guest room.”
“We can if we’re quiet.” Sirius kissed Remus again. “Je vais garder ta bouche occupée.”
Remus groaned. “I can’t fucking translate French right now.”
Sirius laughed softly. “I can keep your mouth busy.” Then he kept kissing him, slow and dirty. Remus couldn’t help but mirror his smile and tucked his fingers back into Sirius’ dark hair. He pushed up into Sirius’ mouth, then broke to kiss across his cheek slowly, savoring the scratch of his stubble against his lips.
Sirius hummed happily and settled back down against Remus’ chest, nose against Remus’ neck. He was too tall for their current position, and Remus lifted his head a little to see his bare feet dangling a little off of the end of the bed. He laughed, but simply wrapped his arms around Sirius’ broader shoulders and pressed his nose into the hair that curled out above Sirius’ ear.
“You’re not a lion, your a cub, an oversized cub. Somehow I always knew.”
Sirius mumbled something and smacked Remus’ hip lightly before pressing a kiss to his neck.
“Okay,” Sirius said with another kiss, then pushed himself up onto his forearms. He looked down at Remus.
Remus tilted his head, fingers still threading gently through Sirius’ hair. “Okay?”
A small, disbelieving smile appeared on Sirius’ face and he leaned down for a much softer, shorter kiss. “We can’t have sex in Dumo’s guest room. You’re right. But I can hold you without pretending to be asleep now, oui?”
Remus nodded. He thought there might be nothing left in his chest but his heart now.
“Oui,” he replied softly.
Sirius rolled away, pulling Remus with him until he was tucked beneath Sirius’ chin, ankles hooked around each other.
Remus wouldn’t have thought he’d be able to sleep, but when he closed his eyes, and with Sirius’ heart beneath his ear, he found that he’d never felt more calm.
“Je suis content,” Sirius whispered with a kiss to Remus’ forehead.
Remus smiled, and tilting his chin up for a kiss felt like the most natural and practiced thing in the world.
“I’m happy, too.”
#sweater weather#sirius black#remus lupin#sirius x remus#remus x sirius#sirius/remus#remus/sirius#the marauders era#wolfstar#wolfstar au#writing#hockey player!sirius#trainer!remus#hockey!au#wolfstar fluff#woflstar angst#fluff#angst#harry potter#harry potter fic#lumosinlove#james potter#lily potter
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no why do we have to believe that they didn't make Remus the secret keeper cause they thought he was the traitor and why not just believed that the reason they didn't was cause he was in a mission he was missing for months and that's why ,not cause they thought he was the traitor cause this shit hurts.
#remus deserved better#i just want Remus to be happy#its almost jily death day and im crying#its Halloween but the marauder are in 5th year of Hogwarts#marauders angst#marauders#remus lupin#remus x sirius#woflstar#james potter#sirius black#peter the traitor#harry potter#marauders fandom#cries in lonely#I wanna believe that they love and trust each other so much
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Ch. 4 - A Kingdom, or This
A @mixed-up-writer-fest work written with the lovely @second-sister
Woflstar | Rated E | 2.4K | Warnings: smut, angst
“Where’d everyone go?” he asks, his frown on the verge of turning into a full-on pout.
“Regulus shared something very interesting with the group,” Remus says calmly.
Sirius’ expression changes from playfully surprised to annoyed and guarded. “Did he now?”
“Yes, something rather private,” Remus responds...
Read it here 😈
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My Favorite Fanfic Tropes
@blitheringmcgonagall tagged me to list my favorite Wolfstar fanfiction tropes to read or write (in no particular order). I’ve decided to do five more general and five more specific. Thank you friend. It’s nice to have something fun and fictional to think about.
1. Historical/Mythological AUs - I was a history major in undergrad and have loved myths, legends, and fairytales since I was small. If they can be made gay and with some characters whose characterizations I really enjoy then all the better!
2. Honest Portrayals of Trauma - I’ve been through some shit, and appreciate reading characters who have been through some shit as well dealing with that shit in realistic ways.
3. Sibling Relationships/Found Family - I die for close platonic relationships. Adopted siblings, found family, siblings who have each other’s backs no matter what, best friends who would give anything for each other, you get the picture.
4. Contrasts in Characteristics/Ideologies - I love reading interactions between characters who are very different and interpret their experiences in very different ways, but fit together and support each others’ weaknesses.
5. Queer with a Happy Ending - I like happy endings. I like dark stories, I like angst and pain, but for me I need it to end happy. The real world has so much trauma and sadness and chaos, I want to read a fictional universe where no matter how dark it is I *know* they will get through it.
Specific to Woflstar
6. Canon Alteration AUs where things end ok for them - I don’t care if it’s first or second war, just give me a version where things end ok.
7. Sirius as effusive, Remus as outwardly reserved - both of these being different reactions to trauma in my personal headcanon.
Sirius (pre-Azkaban) dealing with trauma by making a joke of it all - “yah, life is just fun like that isn’t it?”. He moves a lot when he’s upset - jumpy, agitated (subconsciously preparing to dodge a strike whether he knows it or not). His making a joke of everything can be very detrimental because he doesn’t stop to think - because if you stop to think then you have to think about all the other stuff and that is NOT an option.
Remus dealing with trauma by closing off - being very, extremely careful and always being in control of himself and his actions. Freaking out if he makes an emotional decision without thinking first because that could be dangerous and he could hurt someone. Always overthinking. I find it extremely precious when writers both present that and show him finding a space where he can trust and just exist without constantly panicking that he’ll mess up somehow.
8. Remus as awkwardly tall - For me it just adds to his discomfort with existence because he hates being the center of attention and is freaked out that he’ll be seen as scary/a threat. He unconsciously hunches over so it’s less obvious.
9. Sirius confidently being the opposite of everything his traditional, wealthy, pureblood family wanted him to be - This is the reason I personally don’t like reading stories with a more dominant Sirius. Because that’s what was expected of him and personally I like to think he never wanted that. Regulus did - he wanted to be safe and for him that meant being isolated and stronger than anyone else, and so he could never understand why Sirius didn’t care about the status loss of being disowned. I like a Sirius who is by nature empathetic and emotional and couldn’t survive in a sphere where that was constantly belittled and considered inferior. The Marauders and his true family with James value that and give him a space where he can be himself confidently and unapologetically - societal norms be damned. I can argue this canonically if any of you come at me for liking a “feminine” Sirius, so don’t.
10. ALL the sibling relationships and happy queer characters - Give me all the siblings and found family, and all the queer characters. I love a good 1st war AU with Dorlene, Jily, and Wolfstar, and the more queer characters and representation added the better.
Anyone who wants to do this please consider yourself tagged!
#fanfic#tropes#my answer#answers#thank you friend!#this was fun to do and a nice break from all the schools I need to be doing#wolfstar
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Can I please order five of your favorite courses of Remus & Sirius? One very sad, one sweet but not silly, two where they have incredible sex, and one that only must take place at school? 🍰🍷🍑
uum, YES, yes you can! *Ding*, 5 (okay this is a lie, i added more fics cause i am a weak person) woflstar courses catered for your needs and wants only coming right up!
1. one very sad (i got excited and suggested two cause again, 500+ bookmarks so it’s tough to narrow it down)
a picture is worth a thousand lies by mysid (this story breaks me apart every single time i read it. it’s drama and angst and pain all packed up in 4 beautifully haunting chapters)
*warning: apart from the story tags pls also consider there’s a fairly explicit sex scene between one of the main characters and an OC, in case that’s not your cup of tea) (the story does warn unrequited love so you know, ouchies)
lucky men by kouje (just, i mean. the ending)
2. one sweet but not silly
this is by bluberd (it’s tagged as, “this fic will wash away all your impurities”, so really, enough said)
3. two where they have incredible sex
(i’m too much of a prude to even add witty commentary to this part so just. enjoy? and beware the tags)
comfort and joy by pavlablack
watch me go blind by lefthandglory and ruinsplume
4. one that only must take place at school (and one where they leave school, cause i couldn’t resist not sharing it, i apologize)
the end is a great place to start by a_diantum and mindabbles (just plain amazing getting together confusion and fluff that takes place at good ol’ hogwarts)
some moments last forever (but some flare out with love, love, love) by marilynhanson (a gorgeous account of the marauders’ last train back from hogwarts)
bonus round finally, dessert! i’ve found this amazing piece of absolute dedication and hard work comprised of letters and illustrations that is simply breathtaking and also ridiculously underrated? so pls, whatever you do, make sure to check it out and drop some love.
fairytales & prayers by myprettycabinet
thank you for the ask! hopefully these are all new to you so you get to experience them for the first time, and if not, then i wish you happy re-reads!
#wolfstar#wolfstar fic recs#fic recs#remus x sirius#sirius x remus#i wish i could @ all these amazing authors but i dont know if theyre on tumblr so if anyone does pls let me know!
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Solntse
A/N: The last chapter!!! I honestly cannot believe it...
Just...gah, a HUGE thank you to every single one of you for loving this story. This feels like an end of a mini-era of my life! It means so much to me, all of it, each comment each message, every time anyone tells me that these updates got them through a hard day...I want you guys to know that those things get me through hard days or even just make good days even better. So, yes, last chapter of the main story, however I’ll definitely be doing time stamps/epilogue-ish things. Remus at University, time at Sirius’ Dacha ;))))) the boys with little babies who speak Russian like their Papa (oh god oh god oh god Sirius as a Papa), Proposal TM ahhhh. All those sorts of things.
I hope you guys enjoy :)
part xiv
Present Day
Remus sits on the couch, staring at the ground. “He…he put something in my drink.”
Sirius comes and kneels in front of him a few inches away. “I think. Remus—”
“I met you?” Remus says, looking up. Sirius’ face is blurred from tears. “I—I can’t—I can’t remember. I don’t…”
But he remembers something. He remembers a burn, and blood and crying on his bus home and—no Sirius. No memory of that party, no memory of David from that night. His breath knocks out of him half sob. “I don’t remember anything.”
He closes his eyes against how scary that is.
Sirius starts to reach out to him, then stops, instead resting his thumb on the very edge of the outside of Remus’ socked foot, rubbing gently. “Remus, tell me how I’m help you.”
It’s a poor choice of words right now and Remus is so scared, so confused and surprised, that his reply is out of his mouth before he realizes what he’s saying. “You should have helped me then.”
He knows that isn’t fair—it isn’t fair at all—because he’s the one always refusing help. He knows what he would have done if Sirius had tried to fight David on taking Remus away that night. Drugged or not, he would have gone with David. Because he may not remember the night in detail, but he remembers the timing. He had been days away from getting evicted. He wanted to call what Sirius had done a lie. Everything in him was angry. But he couldn’t.
“You kept this from me.” He rasps.
Sirius lets out a breath and drops his head into his hands, fingers digging into his hair. “Remus. Remus, I’m know. So sorry, baby, so sorry.”
“Were you ever going to tell me?” Remus feels like he’s hearing through cotton.
“Yes.” Sirius nods quickly, his eyes red when they look back to Remus. “Yes, I’m find way, but—so mad at me for even get present in beginning, for even want to help because I love you…how—” Sirius voice chokes off and his chest heaves like he can’t breathe. “How I’m tell you we meet because I want to help and—and we not even know together! Each other, I mean…”
Remus shakes his head, hands closing into tight fists. “You—you let me sleep with you…you payed me. How does that keep me from what you were trying to—what, fucking save me from?”
“No, no, Remus, try keep you safe. Want to keep you safe from men like David. Men who hurt. If I’m take up time, make sure you have enough money, don’t need to take bad job. I…” Sirius closes his eyes for a minute, letting out breath. “I sleep with you because…because I…selfish. Is right word? You are beautiful and kind and—and want you close. Think you not stay if I not make it real.” Sirius looks down. “You forget…You aren’t only one hurting when we meet.”
Remus didn’t forget. He couldn’t. His heart feels heavy whenever he thinks about it, how alone Sirius was.
Remus sniffs at that, pressing his palms into his eyes. “I…Sirius.” He looks up, holding his hands up helplessly. “Sirius.”
Sirius takes the hint of an opportunity and pushes himself forward, knees pressed between Remus’ feet, hands splayed on his thighs. “I’m never hurt. Remushya, I’m never hurt. I love you from first saw you. Not joke, Remus. I love you.” Sirius presses up on his knees, hands cupping Remus’ neck in such a tender way that Remus lets out a sob. “I’m not try to save. Baby, you are so strong, not need saving. I’m so sorry—most regret for my life is not take you away first night, New Years. Most sorry.”
Remus shakes his head. “I wouldn’t have gone with you. I—” Remus’ breath hitches. “I’m not—Sirius…”
“What?” Sirius says tenderly. thumbs gentle on the soft skin just below Remus’ ear. “Can tell me every thing.”
Remus shakes his head, pressing his hands over Sirius’. Sirius’ face lights up for a moment until Remus holds them and pushes them away from his face and back towards Sirius. Until he rises, stepping out of Sirius’ reach. “I…I’m not—I…” Remus’ turns away, face crumbling as his breathing gives him away. He wipes angrily at his sticky cheeks. “I don’t know right now.”
There’s a long stretch of silence that Remus at first takes as Sirius not knowing what to say, but when it ends with a wet exhale and a sharp sniff, Remus realizes it was Sirius crying. Remus’ heart clenches and he turns back around. Sirius’ face looks as broken down as his, and he nods without looking at Remus.
“Yes. Okay.” He chokes out, and then disappears from the room. He stays in the apartment though, which Remus is thankful for.
Remus stumbles back to the couch and more falls into it than sits. He feels cold settle into him instantly and presses his hands to his neck right where Sirius’ had been, arms crossed over his chest. He closes his eyes and tries to breathe. He hasn’t felt this sort of cold in a long time, forgotten what it was like. He doesn’t know how he ever survived being used to such a chill.
He makes a list in his head and tries to breathe.
He met Sirius. He was drugged by David and Sirius had helped him outside. Sirius had let him go, suspecting he was drugged. Sirius had been working for David at the time. Sirius had tried to get David to let Remus go home. Remus had voluntarily went with David, also suspecting something was not right.
Remus hadn’t stop himself. Why should he expect a stranger to do it?
He thinks about Sirius the first night in the hotel suite, what Remus had thought to be their first meeting. He was so gentle. It had taken Remus so horribly off guard. He remembers how scared he was, liking the way Sirius felt, the way Sirius was, so much.
He feels so—happy that he’s allowed to love Sirius now, allowed to love him the way Remus is fairly sure he loved him immediately. That first day in suite number twelve.
He won’t end that. He won’t end this.
Sirius is sitting at the end of their bed. He’s already looking up when Remus walks in, no doubt having heard him shuffling down the hall. His eyes are red and glassy, cheeks damp, and hair a mess from pulling at it. As Remus walks towards him he looks like he’s holding his breath in an attempt not to cry, but his lip is trembling and his eyes are so full of tears that the second he has to blink, they betray him.
Remus reaches forward, palms on his cheeks, brushing them away. It’s like the touch breaks him. Sirius’ next breath is a sob.
“So sorry, Remus.” His head tilts into Remus’ palm like he can’t hold himself up. “Please—not leave.”
Remus shushes him softly and kneels before him, a mirror of how Sirius was not a half hour ago. “Me too. I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean it. I—Sirius, you didn’t know me. I can’t expect those things of you. That isn’t fair.”
Sirius shakes his head, knuckles trailing lightly over Remus’ cheeks like he’s the most precious thing he’s ever seen. “Should have protect—”
“You did.” Remus’ voice shook. “You protected me for months and I never even realized. That means you weren’t doing it for anything… any gain. You were doing it for me.” He leans up on his knees, and Sirius stoops enough so that he can bring their foreheads together. “You showed me that I deserve good things in my life. That I can let people…help.” He swallows over his dry throat. “And maybe I’m still struggling with that. I am still struggling with that, but…If there’s one thing I’m sure of, its that you’re good. Sirius, you’re good, and I deserve you.” Remus curls his hands into Sirius’ hair, holding him close. “And I’ve never been able to say these things. Never in my life. And now…I can only say them—I can only say that I deserve good because of you. Because you protected me from the bad. I shouldn’t have yelled. I won’t leave, not if you don’t want me to.”
“Don’t want.” Sirius says quickly. smoothing his hands down Remus’ shoulders.
Remus nods, “Okay.” He leans down, silently asking. “Okay.”
Sirius obliges, tilting his chin up and kissing him hard. He makes a soft noise into it and presses their lips together like he can’t get close enough.
“Hate fight.” Sirius sighs.
Remus winces. “Me too. Let’s not do that.”
Sirius laughs wetly. “Yes, not do that.”
The funny thing is, Remus sort of believes it. He knows that’s what couples do, he’s seen James and Lily enough times, but…God. He believes it. Even if they do fight, he can’t imagine being angry with Sirius for more than five minutes.
“Want to know something?” Sirius breathes.
“Hm?”
“Think you’re beautiful first time I’m see you. Tell me room so hot. I’m think he’s hot.”
Remus huffs out a little laugh. “I think I knew that.”
“Just tell you again, anyway.” He kisses Remus’ damp cheek. “Beautiful when smile, beautiful when cry. Always beautiful. Come?”
Remus pushes himself up from his knees and lets Sirius gather him against his chest, hands on his hips. He wraps his legs around Sirius’ waist and tucks his face against his neck, breathing in. Sirius is warm and Remus feels a sour guilt in his chest ever doubting him, even for a moment. Sirius’ hand rubs up and down his back.
“What you want to do? Just relax, go walk, desert, go sleep. Open Christmas present?”
Remus laughs for real this time because of course. “Christmas is tomorrow.”
Sirius presses a kiss to the corner of Remus’ mouth. “Good present, though.” He smiles when Remus does and squeezes his hips. “Point is…know what we doing before…”
Remus nods. The clean bill of health, which meant…
“Telling you, emotion thing happen. Not have to do now. Have whole lives. Want you happy. Comfortable.” Sirius winces, smiling a little. “Hard word to say.”
Remus kisses him hard. “That.” He gasps, before leaning in again. “That is why I love you. Right there.”
Sirius hums into the kiss and Remus reaches between them, tucking his fingers beneath the hem of Sirius’ shirt.
“I want to.” He whispers, and presses his fingers up his chest. He can feel the cool metal of the ring there. “I want you.”
Remus feels Sirius shiver against him, just a little. “Whatever you want.”
Remus brushes their lips together, barely. “Take off your shirt.”
Sirius hurries to comply, reaching behind his head to tug the material free. “Next?” He smiles.
“I’m giving all of the instructions here?”
Sirius’ grin widens, his eyebrow cocks up a little. “My turn?”
Remus hums in approval.
“Take off my ring.” Sirius pulls his bottom lip into his mouth for a moment. “Put on.”
And then it’s Remus’ turn to shiver. He takes the chain between his fingers and tugs it over Sirius’ head, getting caught on his ears a moment and making them both laugh. It dangles between them, and Remus thinks about the first time he ever saw the ring. How he thought it had meant that Sirius was married, and how he’d had to deny to himself that his hopes had fallen. And then finding out what it really meant, that night in bed when he’d felt someone’s full attention for the first time in a long time, and not on his status, but on him.
Remus slips it over his head and it falls to the center of his chest. It’s warm from Sirius’ skin.
Sirius’ eyes are glued to it and his lips are parted like he’s trying to draw in air. “Nice.” He says softly, and Remus laughs.
“Yeah?”
Sirius nods. He hooks his fingers into the chain and tugs Remus closer with it. “I’m think about for long time.”
Remus leans down to kiss Sirius’ bare shoulder, right where the chain would usually rest, and then over the hard muscle there. Sirius’ voice is still a little thick from crying, and Remus wants to change that, wants to make it so all he knows is that Remus loves him.
“I’ll wear it whenever you want.” Remus kisses up his neck, over his adam’s apple, and up the other side of his jaw.
“Only necklace?” Sirius says, smile in his voice. His fingers creep up Remus’ shirt and then pushes it all the way off, making the necklace bounce back against his chest. He tucks his fingers into the waist of Remus’ pants almost immediately. “Want to see you.”
The rest of their clothes come off easy and the sheets get untucked and kicked down and then they’re in their own world, skin to skin. There’s no break or fumbling with packages. Remus’ hands fit into the jut of Sirius’ hip bones, before smoothing over to rest in the small of his back, pressing.
He could feel where Sirius was hard against his hip, warm and heavy.
“Remus.” Sirius says against his cheek and ruts softly. “Still okay?”
“You don’t have to ask.” Remus whispers back, and pushes at Sirius’ shoulders until he can flip them so he’s on top. “I’ll tell you, I will, but…I’m pretty sure I’ll always want you.”
Sirius sounds little breathless and he reaches between them, hands soft. “Just us.” He says.
Remus nods.
Sirius huffs out a little laugh. “Still need lube.” He laughs again when Remus groans. Sirius flips them back and starts to lean away. Remus holds him tighter. “Have to let go, I’m make it worth it.”
Sirius reaches for the bedside drawer, there’s a click of a cap, and then he’s back, and his mouth is hot on Remus’.
“Show you what you deserve, baby.” He breathes, and his fingers toy behind Remus’ balls, thumb rubbing gently at the base of his cock. It drives Remus insane. “Slow.” He whispers against Remus’ temple. “Gentle.”
Remus feels like his heart is trying to punch out of his chest, but he manages to tug Sirius down for a kiss just as he slips a finger inside him.
He gasps. “Not—not too slow and gentle, though.”
Sirius grins. “No?” He adds another finger.
Remus thinks about it for a second. Sirius is always so gentle, so loving. And Remus loves it. It was practically revolutionary for him when they first met, to be handled and treated with so much love. But—But he wants—
“I want to feel you.” He says, voice pitching when Sirius’ fingers speed up, just a little. “I want to feel you now, just you. And I want to feel you after.”
Sirius closes his eyes and drops their foreheads together. “Remus.”
“Fuck me, Rushya.”
Sirius lets out a breath and he leans back onto his knees, spread with Remus’ hips between them. He grips his cock, which is red and leaking pre-come onto their sheets. He gives it a few strokes, and then its shiny from the lube left on his fingers. Remus’ chest is tight with want, and he grabs his own cock, pressure firm around the base. He doesn’t want this to be over. Not for a while. The deep flush that’s working itself from Sirius’ neck to his chest really isn’t helping things.
Sirius’ eyes are dark, but the slow smile on his face is loving and almost excited. He’s the picture of lust.
“I’m take care.” He takes hold of Remus’ legs and spreads his knees wider before wrapping them around his own waist and holding them there. “Hold on tight, baby.”
Remus swears under his breath as the tip nudges at his hole. Because there’s nothing separating them. Remus can feel the warm wetness where Sirius is leaking, he can feel the hot blunt head, but all he can look at is Sirius’ face. It’s tilted down, like he’s putting everything he has into this slow slide, but his lips are parted like he’s a second away from snapping his hips forward.
The thing is, Remus kind of wants this first glide to go on forever. He also kind of just wants Sirius to go for it.
The thing is, it really shouldn’t make that much of a difference. A thin, sheen of plastic or no plastic. It’s barely a barrier at all. Except it is.
Sirius finally bottoms out, and Remus pushes himself up on his elbows to look. He moans and falls back against the sheets.
“Fuck me.”
“Is plan.” Sirius says and, like he’s read Remus’ mind, goes for it.
He can’t help the sounds that are punching out of his lungs. Sirius has reduced him to little breathy sounds and pleas of his name that are slowly getting louder. Sirius presses his hands beneath Remus’ back and buries his face in Remus’ neck and then he’s that much deeper, quicker. Sirius snaps his hips forward and all Remus can do is hold onto him and press kisses to every piece of skin he can reach. He can hear the bed nudging against the wall. He can feel the neckless against his chest and his heart pounding in his ears…and Sirius. Warm and pure.
“солнце.” Sirius gasps. “Can’t—”
“Come.” Remus scrapes his teeth against Sirius’ skin with the word.
Sirius’ back is slick as Remus tries to press him deeper, but Sirius gets the message. He pushes in and holds, grinding his hips there until he’s shaking and falling apart in Remus’ arms. He makes a noise, muffled by Remus’ skin. Remus can’t say anything at all, just gasp for air. He’s so close to the edge and he hasn’t even been touched yet. It feels a little like he’s already come, feeling Sirius spill into him, even though his cock is still a deep red at the tip and throbbing between them. He’s sure he’s never been so hard in his life.
It has to hurt a little, but Sirius keeps pushing his slowly softening cock into Remus, breath ragged against Remus’ throat.
“You come like this.” Sirius says, pushing Remus’ hands away when he goes for his erection. “You come from me inside you.”
Remus makes a high noise in his throat. “Oh god.”
Sirius breathes harshly, but he doesn’t relent. Remus’ body draw taught, his cock jumping nearly painfully against his stomach, and he comes and comes.
Sirius collapses against his chest with a groan and the pressure against his cock makes Remus jolt, but it feels like his orgasm is going on forever.
Sirius sucks bruising kisses into his neck and jaw and lets him ride it out with a loose hand around him, keeping Remus gasping until he jerks away, too sensitive.
“Fuck.” Remus pants, and then again. “Fuck.”
“Love you.” Sirius says into his skin.
Remus sighs blissfully and throws his arms around Sirius’ neck. “I love you. Fuck, you’re so hot, you’re so good. I love you so much.”
Sirius is beaming when he pulls back, proud and sweet. Stray strands of his hair are sticking to his temples. Remus has to lean forward and kiss the sheen of sweat at his throat.
~
They talk until it’s getting light outside. They talk about everything and nothing at all. At 1:33, Sirius remembers.
He gathers Remus to him with a little sound of realization. “Christmas, Remushya. Happy Christmas.” Then he makes an even louder sound and nearly shouts the word, “Present!” and rolls out of bed.
“Hey—” Remus laughs as he watches Sirius’ naked butt disappear down the hallway. “This is my present.”
“So many present!” Sirius voice comes from down the hall. Remus thinks he’s in his office. He distantly hears a drawer shut. It’s another few moments before Sirius reappears. He’s balancing what looks like ten packages, butt naked, and grinning over the top of them. “For my солнце.”
Remus’ heart flops in his chest. “What does that mean?”
Sirius thinks for a moment, dropping all the presents on the bed. The boxes bounce in odd directions. “Sun. But…cute sun? Baby sun? Like baby…warm…puppy…summer…” He shrugs, giving up and climbing onto the bed. “Don’t know.”
“Puppy sun.” Remus repeats, laughing. “I’ll take that, I guess.”
Sirius climbs behind him, leaning back among the pillows, and pulls Remus back against his chest. He hands him a box.
“Open first.”
“This is way too much. I only gave you…” Remus sighs, but he’s smiling and he snuggles back against Sirius.
Sirius presses a kiss to his neck, fingers running over his necklace that Remus is still wearing. “Nothing too much for you. You give me piece of home and most love ever have. Nothing too much for you, baby.”
Remus has to turn around and kiss him, and it takes a few more minutes for them to actually get to the gifts.
The first package is a series of maps. One details all of the best places to get pancakes in New York, another Donuts, and a third Pizza. Remus laughs. It isn’t at all what he expected.
“We have to use these before your next trip.”
Sirius nods. “Yes. Must.” He slides another box over to Remus.
The next few boxes are filled with other little, thoughtful things. The pair of shoes Remus looked at through the window every time they passed that one shop on the way to their favorite brunch place. Soft t-shirts that are like the ones Sirius has that Remus always stole, thick socks because Remus’ feet are always cold and Sirius always groans when Remus presses his toes against his calves when they’re in bed. A book called A Beginner’s Guide to the Russian Language. Remus starts to open that one right away, but Sirius laughs and makes him finish opening first. He pouts just a little. He’s been wanting to try and meet Sirius half way with the language barrier for a long time now.
“Privet.” He says instead, because it’s really one of the only words he can comfortably say. Then he says I love you, because it’s the only other thing he knows, even though he’s pouting. Sirius laughs at him and presses a kiss to his temple.
“All you can say is ‘hi, love you’ to me? Not bad life.”
Remus elbows him gently in the ribs.
When he comes to the last gift, though, he’s speechless.
Remus pulls the tissue paper aside to reveal a messenger bag. It’s the softest leather Remus has ever felt, a light tan, and roomy, but not bulky. He runs a hand over it, and feels a lump form in his throat when he reaches the top.
R. J. LUPIN is imprinted in gold into the leather just near the handle. Remus traces it with his fingers quietly.
Sirius rests his chin on Remus’ shoulder, fingers splayed on Remus’ ribs, thumbs rubbing softly. “Like?”
Remus nods. “Sirius…”
“For school, yes? Whenever you ready, want you to be—prepare.” He presses a kiss to Remus’ shoulder blade. “Open.”
Remus laughs softly because of course. He unbuckles the straps carefully and flips the weighty flap back. Inside are beautifully bound notebooks and a pack of Remus’ favorite pens—a cheap brand that he’s always bought because the ink never clumps.
“You were really paying attention, huh?”
Sirius hums. “Need new ones, you chew all the tops.”
“True.” Remus laughs and pulls out the last thing in the bag. At first, he thinks they’re envelopes, but then he gets a good look at them.
They’re plane tickets. To Russia.
Remus turns so he can see Sirius’ face. He’s chewing his lip nervously, eyes on Remus.
Sirius smiles, a little shakily. “Is next trip I’m talk about. Plan for us. Hope…Hope you come, too? Meet family. Mama, Papa, brother, Regulus. They…” Sirius swallows and Remus feels his hold on him get a little tighter. “They not know about me. Want to tell them, but…Is bad thing in Russia, to be gay. Not good at all. I’m know they not—they not be happy…So, want you there. Want them to know you, boy I love, before they decide. If never want see me again, okay, at least I’m try hardest. I’m…I’m hope it help them.” He tries to smile again, when it falls. “Also, want to show you home. My home.”
“Rushya…” Remus carefully lays aside the bag and the books and the clothes in favor of turning in Sirius’ arms and pressing against him. “Of course I’ll come with you.” He presses their lips together. “Of course I want to meet them. I…I want to learn everything about you.”
Sirius’ smile, although paired with glassy eyes, is bright. “Yes?” He presses a stray curl of Remus’ hair back from his face. “Is perfect because before I’m go back for work and before you start think about applications. I’m show you Moscow, I’m take you to dacha, little house for summer. You love, just us there, and water and sun…and bed.”
Remus smiles. “You take me to places like that too much and I’ll never want to do anything else.”
Sirius leans down to kiss him. “Is fine with me.”
Remus lets Sirius kiss him until he’s a little dizzy with it and he’s sure that if he hadn’t come harder than he ever had in his life a few hours ago, he’d be looking to go again.
“Sirius.” He says after a moment, peppering a few more kisses before pulling back. “Even…Even if it doesn’t go well with your family…” Remus swallows, thinking of his own parents, of how his father had turned him out of the house without even letting him gather anything. About how his mother had simply turned away. He can’t imagine what he would’ve done without James being there for him, what he would’ve done if he’d had to go through that alone. “You have me.” Remus strokes his thumb over Sirius’ bottom lip. “And you have James and Lily, too, if you’d like, and you have Sergei and the girls and…and you’re loved by so many people. Okay?”
Sirius nods, smile soft. “Mean more than anything, you know? Can be…me. You love me for it. Is true to you, too, baby.”
Remus nods, silently adoring Sirius in the dim, warm light of their bedroom, the light touch of his fingers on his skin. He doesn’t know how anything could get better than this, but he has a feeling it will. He wants everything with Sirius, even the ups and downs.
“I know that now.” Remus says. “Because of you.”
And he might call Remus the sun but, looking at Sirius now, Remus has never seen anything so bright.
#wolfstar#solntse#sirius black#remus lupin#sirius x remus#remus x sirius#sirius/remus#remus/sirius#russian!sirius#callboy!remus#wolfstar au#wolfstar smut#wolfstar fluff#woflstar angst#the marauders era#writing#harry potter#harry potter fanfiction#harry potter au#wolfstar fic#wolfstar fanfiction#ahhhh
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Solntse
part ix
Remus thinks briefly about going for a swim after, but even taking the few steps down to the beach feels like entirely too much effort. Instead, he runs his hand over where Sirius’ lower back dips, presses a kiss to his shoulder, and whispers, “Are you awake?” Sirius hasn’t moved much from where he’s still entirely draped himself over Remus’ body.
He gets a little hum in response, but that’s about it. After a minute though, another noise is grumbled into his neck and Sirius starts to press sleepy kisses there.
“Can’t move.” Sirius sighs heavily and Remus laughs because it tickles a little, “You’re so good. Out…out of fuck?”
Remus takes a second, has to close his eyes. This is stupidly hot. “Are you trying to tell me you’re fucked out?”
When Sirius makes a nearly porn-like humming sound in approval Remus snorts and the shaking of his laughter gets Sirius laughing too until they’re both laughing into each other’s mouths as Sirius tries to kiss Remus at the same time.
“We order lunch?” Sirius mumbles, more interested in dragging his lips down Remus’ neck.
Remus nods. He really doesn’t want to leave the room. Or get dressed, for that matter. “I’ll call.”
Sirius nods and moves to get off him with a groan. He only makes it about half off the bed, feet sort of on the floor, before he lays his head back down on Remus’ chest and closes his eyes. He pushes his nose into Remus’ chest until Remus threads his fingers through his hair a few times and then pushes himself up with a last kiss to Remus’ collarbone. Remus lays there for a moment, watching him walk away because he can now, when Sirius turns and grins. Caught. “Remus.”
“Hm?”
“Order whatever want. You mine now, I’m spoil, don’t get say no.”
Remus flushes to what feels like all the way down to his chest. “We only need so much food.”
Sirius’ voice echoes a little from within the bathroom, “Find other way to spoil, then.”
Remus rolls until he can reach the phone and the hotel book, flipping to the page with the room service menu. He hesitates, lip between his teeth, but orders a club sandwich, a few appetizers, and the lobster roll. After a second of hesitation, he gets them two smoothies and a slice of coconut cake for dessert.
A warm weight across his back and ass lets him know that Sirius is back and—still bare. He hooks his chin over Remus’ shoulder, “Get us good lunch?”
“Yeah.” Remus nudges Sirius’ shoulder a little until he lifts himself up, giving Remus just enough room to roll over onto his back. Then he brings his leg up, running a heel up Sirius’ calf, “Just some sandwiches, some of those um…” He threads his fingers through the chain around Sirius’ throat, fiddling with the ring while he thinks, "the toast things? The mashed toast things.”
Sirius blinks at him for a moment, then shrugs, “We see soon.” Then he lets out a long sigh and tucks his cheek against Remus’ chest. They don’t move much, Remus content to just enjoy the warm weight of Sirius until the food comes.
“Should clean you up.” Sirius mumbles, pressing a kiss to Remus’ chest. Remus groans. He really, really doesn’t want to move, even though Sirius is right. His mind jumps straight to the way Sirius carried him in here and he bites his lip before wrapping his limbs around Sirius again, locking his ankles.
“Okay.”
Sirius snorts, pulling his head up to press kisses to Remus’ mouth. “I’m take you everywhere now?”
Remus just tightens his hold, pulling himself up against Sirius’ body and kisses a light trail up Sirius’ jaw.
Sirius grumbles a string of pleased sounding Russian as he gathers Remus close and pulls them off the bed, palms splayed on his ass to keep him in place.
Sirius squeezes, “I’m take everywhere, best for me.” He nuzzles against Remus’ cheek as he walks them into the bathroom, “Still happy, Remushya?”
Remus hums in approval, playing with the chain around Sirius’ neck, “Very.”
Sirius reaches for the shower nob with one hand and the water rains from the head mounted on the ceiling. “Still be mine?” He asks while they wait for it to heat—it doesn’t take long.
Remus focuses on the question though, because he doesn’t want Sirius to have any doubt. He turns Sirius’ face away from the shower and towards him. Sirius hair is even more a mess than it was from just the ocean and as Remus runs his fingers through it they catch on some stray tangles at the back of his neck. He can hear the actual unsureness there, the same nervous doubt that’s a small knot in his own chest—only present because of the newness and how much he wants this. How much they both want this. Sirius tilts his chin up expectantly.
“I’m yours.” Remus hesitates only a second, hoping he remembered this last part correctly, then strokes his thumb over Sirius’ bottom lip and decides to just try what Sirius has been calling him for months. “I’ve been yours for a while now, Sirushya.”
It feels awkward on his tongue, his accent absolutely sucks, but it’s all worth it because Sirius looks a little like he’s having a religious experience. So, he wraps his arms around Sirius’ neck and presses a quick kiss to Sirius’ parted lips and says it again, “Sirushya.”
Sirius lets his head drop back with a groan and a smile and Remus laughs at the blissful joy present on his face. “Did I say it wrong?”
“So good, Remus. I mean—accent so bad.” Sirius laughs, the loud one that Remus can’t get enough of, and steps in the shower—if only to press Remus against the wall beneath the hot spray. The cool tiles make him gasp and then Sirius is biting gently at Remus’ lip, “So good…So good to me, Remus.”
They really do just get cleaned up beneath the spray, although neither of them stop kissing long enough for it to feel truly thorough. Sirius does let Remus down though so he can wet a washcloth and clean the salt from Remus’ skin so tenderly that Remus wants to pull him right back to bed. Only the muffled knock on the door reminds him that they ordered food and probably shouldn’t let the bellboy walk in on that.
Sirius curses, then laughs, then hops out of the shower with a quick kiss to Remus’ lips, “Stay, shower, I’m get.” He pulls a towel around his waist and then points a finger at Remus, other hand on the door, “Not get dressed.” Then, poking his head back in and wet feet slipping on the floor a little, “Well—maybe t-shirt.” He starts to go, then comes back again, “My t-shirt. Very important, Remus.”
Remus snorts but reaches for the washcloth that Sirius dropped and tilts his head up into the spray. He can vaguely hear Sirius receiving the food, but mostly its just the pounding water and his pounding heart and he takes a second to just breathe. The reality of today hits him again and again like the waves just outside their door, and each time, he feels like he just came up for air from being under water for too long. Disbelief and amazement and this overwhelming longing that doesn’t make sense because he has what he wants. Although, maybe it makes perfect sense, because he spent so long wanting it that his body is still reminding itself how to stop wanting and start enjoying.
He reaches for the shampoo and runs his hands through his hair a few times, does another quick rinse of his body, and then steps out of the shower. The towels are white and huge and fluffy. Remus thinks its probably stupid that they’re on of his favorite things about the entire resort, thinks it should probably be the ocean or the food, but he’s been using threadbare towels for what feels like forever. And Sirius loves him. Remus grins and presses his face into the warm cloth. He’ll let himself love these towels. And the sheets. The one thousand thread count sheets. Remus can still feel his grip on them, his grip on Sirius’ skin—
“карамель?”
Remus grins. And Sirius loves him. He lets out a breath and wraps the towel around his waist, leaving the steam of the bathroom. He finds a clean pair of boxers and crosses to Sirius’ suitcase for a shirt. Some of them say something on it, each with an increasing degree of ridiculousness. Coffee and Naps. Spiritual Gangster. Remus presses his lips together in a smile. More of them have Cyrillic that Remus can’t make out, and he choses one of those, liking the coolness of the screen-print against his chest and the way that no one else he knows could own this shirt. It’s Sirius’.
He finds Sirius in the living room dressed similarly, only a tank top replaces the t-shirt and Remus is glad he has food to blame the fact that he thinks he might feel his mouth water—just a little. Sirius is tan, and strong, and now Remus knows that he can pick Remus up and carry him.
Sirius is sprawled on the couch with a tray to his left. Remus hovers a little, unsure where to sit. It would make sense to go to the other side of the tray, then they could both reach the food. What he really wants is to be near Sirius, to press right into his side, right under his arm.
Sirius solves the problem for him by holding his arm out, smile sure but gentle, and Remus gladly folds himself into his waiting warmth. He goes to reach across to the tray for a sandwich and Sirius practically bats his hand away with a noise of protest.
“What?” Remus splutters, “Sirius, I’m—“
Then there’s a bit of lobster salad being held right to his lips and Remus blinks at it a few times before opening. His tongue brushes Sirius’ fingers and, well. “I—okay.” Remus settles into being fed, “This is ridiculous, but okay.”
“Ridiculous, yes.” The word is almost two syllables on Sirius tongue and Remus melts, “Give you ridiculous number of love.”
Remus smiles and accepts a bite of the sandwich half Sirius is eating, “Amounts. Amounts of love.”
Sirius waves the sandwich dismissively, “Whatever word. You deserve.”
Remus lets his head rest against the back of the couch, watching as Sirius picks through the fruit plate. “Hey.” He rubs his palm over the swell of his arm to get his attention. Sirius looks at him with a soft hum of interest, “You do, too. Ridiculous—insane numbers of love.”
Sirius looks at him for a few moments, eyes almost—a little vacant for a moment. And then there’s something flooding back there, like a pool filling with water, and he takes Remus’ hand from his shoulder and into his own, resting them in his lap. He looks down at them as he rubs his thumb across Remus knuckles in slow strokes. He opens and closes his mouth a few times before speaking. “Am—“ He swallows, “Am most glad Remus thinks this about me.”
Remus turns his palm up so their hands can fit together more smoothly and curls the other around the back of Sirius’ neck. With the amount of re-assuring Sirius had done today—not to mention that it was Sirius who had the courage to tell Remus how he felt—Remus wants to be able to make him feel good about this.
“I…” Remus quietly curses himself. If only he was better with words. “I remember, in the store? When we were buying suits? For that party. What you told me…I want you to know—you know, that’s why I was hesitant—that’s why I was so afraid. I didn’t want you to think I would use you. I mean, I know you wouldn’t think that now, I knew then, I think but…but that’s why I was scared. Of—of telling you that I love you.”
Sirius looks back at him then, eyebrows drawn together in a way that Remus can tell is half distress and half him trying to string the English words together. He struggles to simplify the sentence in his head.
“Big sentence changes, Remus, not sure I understand…”
“Right, I know, I know, hold on, love.” Remus rubs his fingers soothingly into the back of Sirius’ neck and Sirius makes a soft noise and proceeds to flush a lovely pink from his cheeks to his throat and ears. Remus smiles and presses a lingering kiss to his cheek, “That’s—that’s sort of what I was trying to say. You told me that people wanted you for your money only, remember? And that scared me a little.”
Sirius shakes his head, “Why scare?” Then his eyes go a little wide and his fingers tighten around Remus, “Remus, no—I’m not think you—“
“I know that now, I do.” Remus squeezes his hand back, “But…I didn’t know. Then. And the last thing I wanted you to think was that I was trying to use you for money, that I would call you—love and be with you just because I…” Remus sighs, dropping his forehead against Sirius’ shoulder. If he’s going to admit this, he needs to do it without the loving pity he knows will appear in Sirius’ eyes. “Sirius…god, if you could see where I live—“
“Remus, Remus.” Sirius cups Remus’ face in his palm, bringing their eyes back together, “Too fast again, baby. I’m tell you what I hear, yes?” He takes Remus’ nod with a soft kiss to his temple, “Okay. I tell Remus at store, sad about lonely. Sad about boys want money more than kisses, yes?” Just for that, Remus has to kiss him. Sirius hums, smiling once they break apart, and pushes his fingers through Remus’ hair, “So, Remus worry. Worry I’m think you same if be mine…not understand why Remus think he could ever be like other boys.”
Remus sighs, figuring he has to be painfully blunt about this part. “Because I’m poor. As shit.”
Sirius studies him for a moment, then nods slowly. “I’m…I’m not think I know the most about this. You hide from me…like how you hide house?”
Remus feels himself flush but nods, “Yes.”
Sirius makes a little noise and pulls Remus more firmly against his side, “Think I’m not think you really love, think you want money because money what you need?”
Remus tries his best to take a breath at that, but his throat feels tight. It’s harder than he thought to hear those words from Sirius’ mouth, but the truth is softened a little by the warmth of Sirius pressed all along his side. “Yes.” He says softly.
Sirius makes a little cooing sound that’s accompanied by a tumblr of gentle Russian. It makes the tightness in Remus’ throat move to behind his eyes, and then suddenly he’s being pulled right into Sirius’ lap, legs draped over where he previously sat and body cradled in Sirius’ lap and arms.
“Remushya forget.” Sirius presses gently kisses along Remus’ cheek, “Not let you be stubborn, not let be proud. Not let forget, either.”
Remus shakes his head and tries not to sniffle, “Forget what?”
Sirius keeps it up with the nuzzling, and Remus can’t complain. It feels tender in a way that he’s slowly getting used to—something he’s only experienced from Sirius. “Remus need love, too. Not money only. I’m know. I’m see.”
Remus has to close his eyes at that. God.
Sirius brushes a kiss across Remus’ temple, ”Remus need money, I’m give. But not because he need money. I’m give money because I’m give love already, yes? Other boys, money come first. Money only, not love. They want trip to island, not kisses. Not with you. With you…With Remus money become…become part of love. Okay? Become not money. Become…” Sirius’ hand is warm on Remus’ skin, “Become protect. Take care. Help. Is something I want to share. I want, Remus.”
Remus covers his face with one palm as Sirius’ words make him crumble a little, then switches to rest their foreheads together, trying not to cry on Sirius but…Well. He feels a little like he’s being gently taken apart and put back together in the right order. All the nervous notions he’d had circling in his head…they don’t feel as present.
A gentle smile, one that hits Remus right in the heart, crosses Sirius’ face. He strokes Remus’ temple, palm warm on his cheek, and it’s so sweet that Remus can barely breathe, “You cry every time I’m say love you?”
“No.” Remus laughs wetly, “Maybe. For now.”
Sirius laughs into the kiss that he presses to Remus’ cheek, “Okay. Is okay, for now. I’m want to cry a little, too, when I hear. Make me…” He pauses, searching for the right word, then just makes the face that Remus associates with “English-is-hard” and sighs out, “emotion.”
Remus laughs again, wiping a tear away, “You make me emotion, too.”
Sirius sighs and lets his head fall back against the couch, “Most emotion. Especially…” Sirius lets out a breath like he can barely talk about whatever was about to say.
Remus grins, “Especially?”
Sirius shakes his head, blinking slowly up at the ceiling, “Have to warn me if you speak Russian, Remus. Heart explode. Dick explode.” And then Sirius breaks off in a fast flurry of said language and Remus stares for a few moments as he gestures vaguely at the ceiling, tongue going a mile a minute, until he has to swing himself up, straddling Sirius’ hips, and kiss him.
“You don’t warn me.” Remus licks slowly into Sirius’ mouth, as if he could taste Sirius’ words, “How is that fair, Sirushya?”
Sirius nips at his lower lip, and proceeds to do a much too sing-songish impression of Remus, “Oh, so not fair, Sirius, get me hot with words, make hard, get off so good while you talk—“ He breaks off in laughter when Remus shushes him, holding Remus’ hand away from where it’s trying to cover his mouth, “—so mad at sexy boyfriend for speak sexy language, so sad—“
Remus decides to try a different tactic to shut Sirius up. He leans forward and presses their lips together hard—a slightly awkward feat given that they’re both laughing. Sirius presses fast bursts of kisses along Remus’ cheeks and Remus is still laughing, but his throat is tight like it gets with tears. He’s feeling so much at once that he just lets Sirius kiss him through it. It feels grounding, like a hand to hold while floating over waves.
They do, at one point, finish eating, but the coconut cake turns into feeding each other. And then Remus gets a bit of frosting on his lip and it’s all over from there. Remus is pulled back into Sirius’ lap, but the kisses remain slow—hot, but like they have all the time in the world. Remus has the thrilling realization that they do. Maybe the conversation from earlier keeps it on the sweeter side, and Remus is sort of thankful for that. He thinks they both need each other right now more than they need to get off again.
Remus’ mouth feels pleasantly sensitive when Sirius finally leans back for air, eyes hooded as he loops up at Remus from where his head rests on the couch back. He smooths his fingers over Remus’ narrow hips, “You show me?”
Remus tilts his head, torn between watching Sirius’ face and watching the way Sirius’ dark hair slips through his fingers, “What?”
Sirius reaches up to take Remus’ hand from his hair and presses a gentle kiss right to the center of his palm, “Where you live.” Remus stills a little at that, and Sirius must feel it because he presses a few more kisses there, then a few more to Remus’ wrist, “Can trust, Remus.”
“No, I know.” Remus wraps their fingers together and squeezes, “Of course I know that…I just. It’s—bad.”
Sirius hums, “I’m already know this by way you…be. By way you be?”
“By the way I act?”
Sirius scrunches his nose, “Like on TV?”
Remus smiles a little, “Sort of. Just by the way I’m…being. Another word is behaving. To behave.”
Sirius hums, “So much, Remushya, so much language. Russian best.”
Remus does laugh at that, and Sirius pulls him down to nuzzle at his throat, “You not answer.” Then quieter, eyes looking softly up into Remus’, “Not have to say yes. Not have to do anything not want, okay?”
Remus nods, thinking back to his hole in the wall flat. He honestly can barely remember it right now, not through the happy haze of Sirius. It starts to settle back over him like a patch of dark clouds, “James—my friend, that you saw me with that day…he’s always asking me to move and…I don’t know, I think—“ He takes a breath, trying to remember to go slowly, “I think that’s why I pushed back so hard against your help. I think that’s why I didn’t want your help—or thought I didn’t. I’m…I’m just used to turning help away. I’m used to saying no.”
Remus presses Sirius’ fingers flat, then curls them around his own again. Sirius’ hands are strong and quick. They’re larger than Remus’ and Remus suddenly wishes he could spend the rest of his life held between them. “I’ll show you. I just want you to know it’s bad. I—I want you know that I know it’s bad.”
“Okay.” Sirius says.
Remus squints at him, “Okay?” There’s no way that’s all Sirius has to say. He’s never had so little to say in the entire time Remus has known him ever.
Sirius gives him a curt nod, “Okay.” And then, “I’m know, if you know I’m boyfriend now and not let my карамель stay in place not safe.” He kisses Remus’ knuckles, “You show me, we pack things, and you can chose where stay. Stay with friend—James? Okay. Stay our hotel? Okay. Or…you stay with me.”
Remus blinks, “You? You have a place in London?”
Sirius licks his lips—he looks nervous, “No. Not London. New York. Where my office is, where I’m go after leave home. I’m—“ Sirius sighs and settles Remus off his lap, tucking his knees beneath him so that they face each other, “not want make Remus leave his home. Never want him be sad. But…if want…” Sirius makes a little noise at the back of his throat and cups Remus face, “I’m want. I’m want so much. Have home with Remus—“
“Yes.” Remus says, and his voice barely works so he tries again, “Yes, Sirius—fuck, do you want that?” Remus’ hands are shaking as he reaches forward, hands on Sirius’ chest, “Really?”
Sirius blinks at him, then again, then again until his smile is blinding and he’s nodding, “I’m really want. Most want but—you…leave home?”
Remus almost wants to laugh, “What home? God, what home? I haven’t felt at home anywhere since…” Remus swallows over that particular part of his past, shakes his head as if he could clear the memories away. He smooths his fingers over the ring around Sirius’ neck, “Sirius.” He looks back up into his face, at the way Sirius always looks so completely open, like he’d bare his soul for Remus. “You’re…the only home. For me, you…I’ve never felt so at home with anyone. I never even hoped that you’d feel the same.”
“Do.” Sirius’ hands cover Remus’, “Do feel the same. I’m go—you know, hotel, hotel.” Sirius sighs and Remus’ heart aches with how shaky it sounds, “Go all over world, Remus, no one to share it with. Then go back to lonely apartment. Nice apartment, I’m design, but…lonely. Can’t go home home, to Russia, to far for other travel. Is hard…you know? No one share it with. I’m lonely in..by own? Say wrong.”
Remus shakes his head, “No,” he chokes out, “No, you said it just right.”
Sirius sends him a smile, eyes glassy light against the sun and blue outside. He wipes quickly at one eye with the back of his hand and sniffs, “I’m not have home for long time, also.” He presses slow fingers through Remus’ hair, “Now, I…I have?”
Remus nods, leaning into the touch, then into Sirius’ chest, looping his arms around his neck. They kiss slowly. All the time in the world. “Yeah. You do.”
(A/N: I figured what I had so far was long enough to post as a slightly shorter chapter. I hope you all enjoy :)) Can’t wait to write Sirius’ house oh my goooood)
#wolfstar#wolfstar fic#wolfstar fic#sirius x remus#remus x sirius#sirius/remus#remus/sirius#solntse#sirius black#remus lupin#harry potter#harry potter fic#woflstar angst#wolfstar smut#wolfstar fluff#the marauders era#writing#harry potter fluff
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Solntse
part xii
“We could have met somewhere. Like a coffee shop.”
Sirius looks up from where he was looking at the other names on the doorbells of James and Lily’s apartment building. He raises his eyebrow. “He invite us to house.”
“I—Yeah.” Remus nods, fingers fidgeting from inside his hoodie pocket. “I know. I just. What if it’s awkward? Then there’s like, you know, no background chatter.”
Sirius squints a little, “Chatter? Chowder? Soup?”
Remus blinks then snorts, closing his eyes and smiling as some of the tension bleeds out of his shoulders, “No, like talking.”
“Oh. Very different.”
“Yeah.” Remus sighs. “You’re cute, though.”
Sirius grins, “I’m know.”
Remus smiles and then jumps a little when the buzzer sounds, signaling James has let them in. He doesn’t know why he’s so nervous.
“Pri-vet!” James’ tinny voice comes through the small speaker.
“James.” Remus groans at the same time as Sirius delightedly says, “Привет!”
Remus has a sudden sinking and bubbly sensation as he realizes just how well James and Sirius are going to get along. It’s dangerous and it’s wonderful.
James laughs loudly. “Come on up.”
Remus smiles at Sirius and grabs his hand. Sirius gives it a squeeze every few steps they take up the stairs until they’re at the door. Remus is still raising his fist to knock when it swings open.
James is there, grinning wildly, Lily with a fond expression on her face standing behind him.
“Sorry, he was watching the peephole. He’s usually not this…well, no, he is.”
“Sirius Black.” James says the words a little like he’s announcing them to some audience somewhere and sticks out his hand.
Sirius smiles at him, looking only a little nervous, and takes it. “Hello, James. Accent horrible.”
“Very.”
James throws an arm around Remus’ shoulders while Sirius accepts Lily’s tight hug. Remus watches fondly as Lily proceeds to talk a mile a minute at him. Sirius gets that look on his face that sometimes appears when Remus is talking. Like he isn’t quite following perfectly, but he’s happy to listen. For Remus, looks like that are usually followed by a slightly dazed kiss. Remus smiles a little as Sirius nods along then waves his hand, asking her to repeat something. Lily’s hands come up to cover her mouth and she starts apologizing for talking too fast.
“Why don’t we go get the tea ready and I can not be such a spaz?” She laughs, tucking her arm through Sirius’ and sending Remus a wink.
“Should I be worried?” Remus asks, only half joking.
“Nope.” Lily calls over her shoulder.
Sirius’ catches Remus’ eye for just a second before they disappear around the corner. He looks happy.
“Remus Lupin.” James says, pressing one hand to each of Remus’ shoulders and shaking him a little. “Mate. I love him. I love Sirius.”
Remus raises an eyebrow at him. “You’ve said two words to him.”
“Yes.” James pressed a hand to Remus’ cheek. “But you look look like you’ve eaten in the last few days, you don’t look like you haven’t slept in two weeks, and when I opened that door you were already smiling. Remus.” The hand slides back to his shoulder and gives it a squeeze, “I haven’t seen that in…I don’t know how long.”
Remus swallows over a sudden lump of emotion in his throat. He hangs his head a little, trying to blink as hard as he can, before raising it again and smiling at James. He pulls him into a hard hug. He means to say thank you, I love you, to tell James how much everything he’s done for him means, but what comes out is, “I’m moving to New York with him.”
James laughs, patting Remus between the shoulder blades a few times, “Good.”
Remus pulls back, sniffing a little. “Good?”
James grins, “Now I can come visit New York.”
Remus laughs. Tension that he didn’t realize he was carrying falls from his shoulders and he throws his head back, eyes squeezed shut, before nodding, “Right. Anytime.” And then he pulls himself together to say what he’s been meaning to say. “James.”
James scuffs him on the back of the head. “I love you, too.”
~
The sun had long set outside the window of James and Lily’s apartment and the tea had been replaced with Chinese take-out. Lily’s feet were in Sirius’ lap where they sat together on the couch, and Remus looked on fondly from one of the plush chairs, a carton of noodles in his lap. James was on the floor by the table so he could reach the food.
“But like—isn’t that hard? To conduct a business when you don’t know the language that well.”
Sirius shrugs one shoulder and pops a piece of chicken into his mouth thoughtfully. “Only sometimes. If very important, usually have translator. Mostly, can understand more than can talk.”
“Re, have you picked up any Russian?” Lily asks.
Remus catches Sirius’ eye and bites back a grin, “Only a little.”
“Lils, he only knows dirty talk, don’t ask that.”
Lily rolls her eyes but flushes a little, “Sorry, sorry.”
Sirius grins, dimple showing, “No, no dirty talk. Remushya only know ‘I love you.’”
Lily coos at the same time as James says, “Remushu-what?”
Sirius throws his head back and laughs. “Rem-ush-ya. Is little name.”
“Nickname.” Remus clarifies. “They mean different things in Russia. It’s like…it’s a whole system.”
James nods thoughtfully, “Can I call you that?”
“No.” Sirius and Remus answer at the same time.
“Christ.” James laughs, “Fine.”
Sirius points at James with his chopsticks, “You his lover, James? I think no way! Not call, only me get to call.”
“This is too cute.” Lily shakes her head, grinning. “James why don’t you call me cute nicknames?”
Remus snorts. He’s never going to tell them about карамель.
“I—“ James splutters, waving his noodle box around, “Lils!”
“Remus calls me Lils.”
“Not—not like I do?” James’ voice pitches up at the end like a question, and he looks pleadingly at Remus for help. Remus shrugs a little and pushes up from his chair to grab some more food.
He stands over Sirius and holds out his plate, James and Lily loudly discussing nicknames still. “Want to give me some of that chicken?”
Sirius holds a piece out on his chopsticks, poking his tongue out a little and then smiling, “You take.” He raises his arm and presses a gentle hand to Remus’ back, guiding him down until he’s sitting on the outer part of the couch cushion. “Sit with me.” He gentle moves Lily’s feet, which she only briefly pouts at, and sits up, pulling Remus to squish against his side between him and the couch arm. Then he offers the chicken again and Remus narrows his eyes at him but carefully takes the food between his teeth.
“Glad we come.” Sirius says quietly. “Is fun.”
“I’m glad you like them.” Remus presses a kiss to Sirius’ jaw. “I also told James about New York.”
“And I told Lily.” James says.
Lily shushed James but then smiled at Sirius and Remus, “And we’re so happy for you.”
“We’re happy for you as long as you let me visit.” James winced at the balled napkin that hit his face. “Excuse me, us visit.”
“Hey, room waiting for you already.”
Lily laughs, raising her glass to Sirius, but James leans forward. He puts his chopsticks down and just fixes Sirius with this look, his hazel eyes bright and honest. Remus can honestly say he has no idea what is about to come out of James’ mouth to be paired with such a look.
“Sirius…Re, don’t be embarrassed, okay, I say this with love.”
“What?” Remus blinks.
“Thank you, Sirius.”
Remus closes his eyes. Sirius’ hand appears warm around his shoulder.
James opens his mouth to say more but Sirius sits forward a little and holds out his hand, “Is okay, James. Remus cry if you say more.”
Remus rolls his eyes but returns the smile that Lily sends him.
Sirius presses a kiss to Remus’ forehead. “He give me everything when—when everyone think I already have. You know—money, travel, business. You know.” Sirius’ hand makes it up to Remus’ neck, knuckles trailing along the side of it gently until Remus looks up from his lap and at him. “Remus the only one who see.”
Remus’ chest squeezes entirely too tight. He reaches up and takes Sirius hand in his from his neck, holding it tightly between the two of his own.
Sirius smiles, shrugging one shoulder, “Maybe he cry anyway.” His smile grows, “Cry every time I’m say love you. Yes, Remushya?”
“Shut up.” But Remus’ voice comes out fond and raspy. He squeezes Sirius’ hand hard. He wants to kiss him, breath him in, run his hands through his hair. He wants to cry. He wants to do everything for Sirius. He wants to know him inside and out. And it looks like he’s getting there.
~
“So. This is it, huh?”
They’re standing in the doorway, James leaning against the frame. Sirius and Lily are by the waiting cab. Sirius is making Lily laugh.
James grins at him, eyebrows raised. “I’m so happy for you, mate.”
Remus looks up and down the familiar street. He knows it isn’t for the last time, but it feels like the end of…something. “Yeah…me too. Me too.”
James laughs and pulls him into a hug. “We’ll talk soon, okay?”
“We will.” Remus holds on tightly. “Come any time, really, James. I’ll miss you.”
James squeezes him back, “Go.” When he pulls away his eyes might be a little wet. “I’ll miss you, too.”
Remus turns to leave only to freeze when James calls out again. “Oh, and I’ll make sure to call you when we find out the gender.”
“What?”
~
“Gives us good reason come back, visit baby.”
Sirius gathers Remus against him, his front pressed along Remus’ back as they wait for the plane to dock. It’s early, the sky orange, and Remus had watched New York City’s lights appear between the clouds and rising sun. Between James suddenly announcing that Lily’s pregnant, arriving in New York, and the anticipation of going to Sirius’—their home…Remus’ heart is thrumming.
“Excited, Remushya.”
Remus smiles and turns, smoothing his hands up Sirius’ chest and around his neck. The orange morning sun comes through the small plane windows, slanting across the gray of Sirius’ eyes and making them look nearly translucent. “Me too.” He presses a kiss to Sirius’ jaw, then raises on his toes and pulls Sirius down for a deeper one. “What are we going to do first?”
“I’m take you get best bakery. Open early, no line.” Sirius presses a gentle kiss to Remus’ cheek, then the shell of his ear, voice dropping. “Then we go home. Show you new home, so excited.”
Remus smiles hard. “A bakery?”
“For breakfast. Russian food, I’m know family who own. Nice to speak Russian with someone. Best tea, too. Like home. American tea…” He finishes the sentence by crinkling his nose.
“What about British tea?”
Sirius hums, unsure. “Is okay…sometime. Sometime is all…” He smacks his lips a little and crinkles his nose again. “You know? Not know word.”
Remus laughs and presses his palm to Sirius’ cheek, “Yeah, I know.”
Despite the early hour, the city is alive which is both like London and not. The car that picks them up is sleek and black and they seem to wiz through the early morning traffic to a narrow street. It’s full of brick buildings that look a little like they’re falling inward towards them. It should feel a little looming but it’s comforting, in a strange way.
“Baby shop, just Sergei run with wife and two daughter. So good, should be famous for all world.” His hand is warm on Remus’ lower back as he guides them through the honey-wooden door. A bell rings from above them and a wave of baking dough and cinnamon hits Remus, making him realize just how hungry he is.
“It smells amazing.” He murmurs to Sirius, just before a man appears from the back room. He’s tall and broad, maybe in his late fourties, with kind brown eyes.
“Sirka!” He starts to speak in Russian when his eyes fall on Remus. One eyebrow raises, “You have brought a friend, I see.”
There’s a slight thump from within the back kitchen and seconds later a young girl—probably thirteen or so—appears.
“Sirka!” She shrieks, smile wide. She ducks under the counter and Remus only just manages to step aside before she’s barreling into Sirius, hugging him around his waist.
“Hello, Nadia.” Sirius says sweetly, squeezing her shoulders.
“Sirka!” Another voice calls, and suddenly there’s another girl around Sirius’ leg, this one looking perhaps nine. “You never bring friends!”
Their accents are more American than Russian, but the smooth lilt is still present in Sirius’ name and their vowels.
“Are you Sirka’s boyfriend?” The younger one asks.
“Zoya.” Nadia hisses at her sister, “You can’t just ask that.”
Zoya looks stricken. “ What? Mama’s always saying he needs a boyfriend.”
Sirius groans and Remus has to suppress a smile.
The man behind the counter—Sergei, Remus figures—sighs. “Mama is not saying that—“
“I absolutely am.” A woman—beautiful and tall—bumps the kitchen door open with her hip, arms full of two trays of steaming buns. Remus’ mouth waters. She slides them into the case, the glass fogging a little and smiles at Sirius and Remus. “Sirius, aren’t you going to introduce your friend?”
“Alena. Sergei.” Sirius’ fingers find Remus’, lacing them together. “This is Remus.” He gives Zoya an exaggerated eye roll. “Is my boyfriend.”
The girls squeal, abandoning Sirius for Remus, staring up at him with wide eyes.
“Hi.” He glances at Sergei and Alena, suddenly feeling a little like he’s meeting the equivalent of Sirius’ parents or something. “I—It’s nice to meet you all.”
“You talk weird.”
“How did you meet Sirka?”
“Do you want to try a Syrniki?”
“Hey,” Sirius laughs. “Just get off big plane, long time, not so much.”
“Remus.” Alena smiles, coming around the corner to give him a hard hug. When she pulls back she cups one of his cheeks in her palms and studies him with kind eyes. Remus can’t help but smile back. “Is very nice to meet you. You both must be starving. You sit, I will bring you tea and breakfast, yes?”
“That—“ He glances at Sirius who is already moving to sit down. “would be amazing, yes. Thank you.”
The girls beat Sirius to explaining what everything is, what’s in what, and Remus tries a bit of everything. Remus loves every bite he takes, but the look Sirius gives him when he tells him as much? He loves that more.
Sirius talks a bit to Sergei and Alena while the girls continue to pepper Remus with questions about London. Even while answering questions about if everyone in London talks like he does, Remus keeps one ear on Sirius’ conversation, listening to him say how Remus is moving to New York with him. He’s still listening when he hears Sergei ask, “So, how did you two meet?”
Sirius takes a long sip of his tea and Remus’ heart doubles in time. He can’t believe they hadn’t discussed the answer to this question. It’s only then that he realized there’s never been anyone to ask it before.
“Random meet.” Sirius says finally, waving his head in a vague way. “Through friend…friend have party. See each other first time there. I’m in and out of town but…” He turns to Remus, smile warm. “Remus put up with on and off. We text, we call. Now we here. So happy, every day.”
“Oh my god.” Nadia gushes, squishing her cheeks and smiling at the same time. “That’s so cute.”
Sirius laughs. “Yes, Remus most cute.”
“You have beautiful eyes.” Zoya says earnestly, staring up at Remus’ face. “They look like caramel.”
Remus feels his cheeks heat, but he can’t help the little laugh that escapes. “Oh. Thank you, Zoya.”
“Is nickname!” Sirius waves his fork around. “I’m call! карамель!” He points it at Zoya. “Most smart.”
Zoya giggles and blushes, turning back to her own tea.
“Remus, you will love New York, I think.” Sergei says, clapping Remus on the back. “Is big city, full of opportunity. Look at us, perfect bakery, perfect family. Very happy when Sirka find us. Very good for business, very thankful for him. Beside, he need someone to make sure he not get lonely. Alone all the time, so young, too, when he first came. What were you, Sirka? Twenty? So much talent, in every magazine, but always rushing about. Aways just him. Almost never can stay for dinner.”
“So busy, work so hard.” Alena continues for her husband, dusting some crumbs off her hands. “We are very happy he has you now.” She says it smiling, but she’s looking at Remus earnestly, eyes a little sad. She reaches forward and presses her hand over his own. “So very happy.”
Remus sends her the most reassuring smile he can muster despite the emotion surging through his chest at the thought of an even younger Sirius, brimming with fame but completely alone in a new country. It makes a surge of protection echo through him. He covers Alena’s hand with his own. “I’m happy, too. Believe me, I…” He looks at Sirius who is looking down at his tea, stirring it slowly with his spoon. Zoya has her head against his shoulder, looking fond and concerned. He glances at her with a little smile, and tilts his head onto hers for a moment before looking at Remus. Remus wants to kiss him and to tell him that he’s never leaving. He wants Sirius to know just how sure he is about that. “Sirius has changed my life.”
Sergei laughs. “He seems to have—what is it? A knack for that, as they say.” Sergei leans forward, eyebrows raised. “Your boy help us keep bakery open.”
Alena smooths her hand through Sirius’ hair, a motherly, affectionate touch, and presses a kiss to his cheek. “So generous.”
Remus hums in agreement into his tea.
“Oh my god.” Sirius runs a hand down his face. “We only talk about me this morning?”
They all laugh, and then there’s the bustle of clearing the plates. Another customer comes in and suddenly Remus and finds himself alone with Sirius at the table.
“Hey.” He whispers, and leans in until Sirius meets him halfway for a light kiss. “You could have warned me that I was basically about to meet your family.”
Sirius flushes, but seems pleased with the association. “Is early! Think maybe just Sergei here.”
Remus laughs, but thinks of the way Sergei talks to Sirius, the way Alena touches him and tells him to drink more tea, eat more food. The way Nadia and Zoya adore him. He tangles their fingers together and brings Sirius’ hand up to his mouth to kiss his knuckles. “They’re amazing. I’m so glad you have them. I mean that. What they said…about you being alone…” Remus swallows, shaking his head like it will get rid of the image.
Sirius shushes him gently, thumb stroking over his wrist. “Is—is true. Was hard, big city. Not know language. But…is okay now.” He reaches forward and brushes his finger over Remus’ cheek. “You know? Is for you. Or—not for, because.” Sirius rolls his eyes at himself. “Still not know language.”
Remus shakes his head. “Don’t be hard on yourself like that.” He presses a kiss to Sirius’ jaw, quick and loving. “Don’t do that, you’re incredible.”
Sirius sends him a little smile, pulling on Remus’ chair’s leg until they’re pressed together and smiles down at him.
“He never have anyone to tell him that before, Remus.” Alena appears at Sirius’ shoulder, delicate hand draping over his shoulder and squeezing.
Remus takes his tea cup between his palms and shrugs. “He has me now.”
“He does.” Alena drops a kiss to both of their cheeks. “You come back soon. Make the girls very happy.”
“Always. Can’t go too long without tea.”
Sirius stuffs a one hundred dollar bill in the tip jar and throws his palm over his eyes and laughs when he hears Sergei protest.
“Too much, Sirka.”
“Can’t see. Have to take, don’t know what you say.”
Sirius bundles Remus against him in the chilly early morning. The wind has died down since they last were outside, but there are tiny flurries falling now. Remus looks up at the brick that surrounds them. “Is another car coming?”
“No, we walk. Live close.” Sirius takes his coat off and wraps it around a protesting Remus. He pulls the hood of his parka over Remus’ head. “I’m give you coat, not make you walk long time before I buy one for you.”
Remus looks at Sirius in his sweatshirt and beanie. “Won’t you be cold? Cute,” Remus twirls one of the stray curls poking out from Sirius’ hat around his finger. “But cold.”
Sirius pulls a disbelieving face. “Russian, Remus. Not get cold.”
Remus snorts, but accepts Sirius’ hand as they walk up the cobblestoned street. “What part of the city are we in?”
“West Village. Small, quiet. Safe. Near office.” Sirius lets out a sigh, sounding completely content, and swings their laced hands between them. “Good food, tea, and now has you. Perfect. Such perfect.” He lets out a laugh that sounds a little teary.
“Sirius—”
“No, no,” Sirius laughs again. “Happy, happy.” He tugs at their hands, spinning Remus towards him and kisses him hard, right there in the middle of the street. “So happy.”
Remus smiles against his mouth. It’s warm against the chilly snow falling, and Remus feels a similar heat curling through his chest. He wants more of Sirius’ warmth.
“Take me home.” He whispers.
Sirius seems to feel his want in his words because he exhales shakily and nods. “One block. Come with me.” He smiles, slow and steady. “I’m warm you up, baby.”
Heat spikes down Remus’ spine at the words alone.
While they walk all Remus can think is how gorgeous Sirius’ dark hair looks in the snow. He’s tall and broad, blinking snowflakes out of his eyelashes as he points out his favorite restaurants and shops to Remus.
“We go there for croissant tomorrow, baby, okay?” Then he snorts at himself, “If we leave house.”
Remus smiles, pushing up on his toes to press his nose into the warmth of Sirius’ neck. “I hope we don’t.”
“Come on, come on.” Sirius huffs, pulling them forward together. “Oh my god, can’t say these things to me, Remus. Right here, come on.”
They come up to a building, slightly taller than the rest because of the part on the top. It looks like Sirius added it on, and it perches beautifully on top of the roof like a sort of modern tree house. The brick and wood are almost puzzle pieced, melding like they were always meant to stack together that way. Large, arching windows cover most of the facade, and Remus can practically taste how beautiful the view must be of the river behind them and the rest of the city. It looks cozy in the fresh snow.
“Sirius…did you—you made that.”
“Yes, buy building and build top for myself.” Then he grins, nosing dipping into Remus’ hair. “For us. I’m show you, get you out of cold.”
The lobby is empty when they go in except for a woman and a dog who smiles at them. Sirius presses himself all along Remus’ back while they wait for the elevator. He kisses his neck while they ride to the top floor. Remus is expecting a hallway when the door opens, instead he finds a wide, open living room.
He stands staring, lips parted, until Sirius laughs softly in his ear and walks them forward. “Welcome home, baby.”
The ceilings are a pale concrete, the walls painted a warm slate gray and white. The windows are clean and high arching, and the morning light spills against the hardwood floors, the same light wood as the outside. It has the warmth of a summer cottage, and the stability of the city around them.
“Sirius…” Remus holds Sirius’ hand for another moment before moving them to walk further into the apartment.
The ceilings are high, ten feet at least, and two huge couches are facing out towards the windows.
“You don’t have a TV?”
Sirius laughs, “First question?” But he walks over to the window and—and taps it. The window darkens instantly and the news flicks on.
“Holy shit.”
Sirius smiles, and when he touches it again it flicks off. “Same in bedroom.” Sirius’ tongue comes out to wet his lower lip, and he shoves his hands in his pockets, looking up at Remus through his lashes. “I show you that next?”
Remus smiles. “Mhm.”
Sirius crosses the room to him, hands finding Remus’ cheeks and kissing him hard. He inhales shakily when he pulls away, thumbs stroking his face slowly, like he’s making sure Remus is real. “Remus.”
Remus presses himself to Sirius’ chest, his hand trailing down to his hips until he can run his palm along the hard length of him through his jeans.
Sirius’ breath punches out of him at the touch and he sends him a hot look. “You not sleep this night.”
Remus’ eyes flutter shut and Sirius’ lips run down his neck. “Remushya. I’m take care of you. You feel how much I want?” His hand covers Remus’, pressing his palm into Sirius’ erection harder. “How much I’m need you.” He walks them forward until Remus feels his back hit a wall. He feels fuzzy at the edges with Sirius’ lips against his skin. “You hear today, with Sergei and Alena. About when I’m all alone. You say I’m change your life.” Sirius’ lips make their way all the way to Remus’ from his jaw and cheek. They stay there for a moment, just breathing each other’s air.
“Remus.” He says softly, and presses their bodies together, tucking one of Remus’ curls around his fingers. He moves their hands up to his own chest, pressing Remus’ palm flat there so he can feel the strong beat of Sirius’ heart. “You change mine.”
Remus lets out a shaky breath and relishes in the way Sirius is crowding him against the wall. But he wants more. He wants to feel Sirius pressed entirely against him with nothing in between.
“Show me our bedroom.” Then he cranes his neck up, their lips brushing. He reaches up and pushes Sirius’ beanie from his head, running his fingers through his thick, dark hair. “Take me home.”
He says it because, while the apartment is gorgeous, its nothing, all of it, everything is nothing, without Sirius.
Sirius’ breath is a quiet sound of relief and togetherness, before he kisses Remus.
“Jump.” He says, and Remus does, legs locked behind Sirius’ back.
They both laugh a little and Remus presses his hands to Sirius’ cheeks while Sirius walks them into the bedroom.
“That was hot.” Remus says between kisses and Sirius smiles against his mouth, smacking a loud kiss to his neck.
“Is what I’m here for.” He kisses Remus and then promptly bounces him onto the bed. He holds his arms out. “How you like?”
Remus grins and stretches out, arms over his head and toes pointed. “Big bed.” He reaches out for Sirius. “It has you in it. It’s perfect.”
Sirius rolls his eyes, but he looks more fond than anything else. “Okay, I’m ask again after fuck.” And then he’s reaching behind him to tug his sweatshirt over his head, smile sly. “You tell me how you like.”
Remus grins, but his mouth goes dry. “I like.” He hooks his ankle behind Sirius’ knee and pulls until he’s forced to kneel above him on the bed. “I’ll show you how much I like.”
“Yes?” Sirius bends, nosing along the waistband of Remus’ jeans. When he reaches the bulge, he mouths gently. “I’m think I can already tell.”
Remus bites his lip, reaching behind him to hold onto one of the plush pillows, Sirius’ mouth hot against him.
~
Remus is blinking bleary-eyed at the ceiling and practically melted into the sheets. Sirius is mouthing sleepily at his neck, his bare thigh tucked across Remus’ hips and slowly softening, sensitive cock.
Remus turns, groaning a little with the effort, and lets Sirius press his face further against his neck, head on his shoulder, and wrap himself further around Remus.
“You’re such an octopus after sex. Well, no, sort of always.” Remus says, rubbing a warm hand up and down Sirius’ hip and thigh.
“What word.”
Remus smiles. Sirius also tends to lose most of his English.
“Octopus.” Remus says again. “With all the legs. You wrap around me like—“
“Not know.” Sirius sighs. “Я не знаю ни одного из этих слов, ты сделал меня слишком хорошо.”
Remus laughs at the same time as heat spikes through his tired body. “And I don’t know any of that.”
Sirius hums and tucks his face further into Remus and the pillows. Remus wonders if he’s trying to block out the afternoon sunlight streaming through the windows.
“Hey, do you have shades?”
“Touch wall.” Sirius snuggles closer. “Behind head.”
Remus snorts. “Of course.” He cranes his head back and, sure enough, there’s a little plate of glass inserted into the wall with touch-screen labeled buttons. He slides his finger against the shade panel and the room and window darkens in time to his finger. “Whoa.”
Sirius bundled Remus closer, effectively batting his hand away from the wall and tugging it back around his waist. “Cuddle, Remus.”
Remus has to laugh at how much of a demand it sounds like, but there’s no way he can say no to that. “Our sleep schedule’s going to be so fucked if we sleep now.”
“Not worry, cuddle.” Sirius says simply, sounding like he’s already half way to sleep. “Love you so much.” Are the last words he breathes out before his next breath is a soft snore.
Remus smiles, and settles down against Sirius’ warm body. He is pretty tired from traveling, and any energy that the tea and breakfast gave him is long burned off. They’ll probably wake themselves up for lunch later anyways.
“I love you, too.” He says, and sleeps.
~
Remus wakes up first to the coolness left all along his body from Sirius getting out of bed with a groan. What he first registers is that it’s dark outside. It takes him a few seconds more to realize a phone is ringing.
“Where—“ Remus blinks out the huge window and can only just see the outline of New York lights through the tint. Then his eyes find Sirius, back towards him and completely bare, stumbling towards the general direction of their clothes.
Sirius grumbles something in Russian and then the ringing stops. “да?”
Remus groans and flops back against the bed. “Please say you don’t have to work right now.”
There’s silence for a few more beats, then Sirius speaks again, voice lowered, practically a growl. “What fuck you say?”
Remus blinks his eyes back open at that, eyebrows furrowed.
Sirius’ entire back is tense. “You never speak about Remus like that.”
Remus pushes up on his elbows, heart dropping. His ringtone. How didn’t he recognize his ringtone? It’s the one he only uses for clients, it’s the one he hoped Sirius would never hear.
Sirius’ knuckles are white around the phone. “You never call again. Remus not in this line of work. Fuck off, gross fuck.”
Then he hangs up with a hard tap of his finger and lets out a hard breath. “Remus.”
Remus’ face feels hot. “I—Thanks? For getting rid of David.” Because of course he knows who that was. A cold trickle runs down his spine just thinking about it. But…he’d tipped well. Very well. And sometimes Remus didn’t have a choice. He opens his mouth to tell Sirius as much when Sirius turns. He doesn’t say anything, just crawls back on the bed, right over Remus, and settles their bodies back together.
“Remushya.” He very nearly whispers it. He pulls his bottom lip between his teeth and hesitates like he can’t decide how much he wants to say, before he can’t seem to help himself and it all comes out in a rush. “Where he hurt you, how much—many? I—Remus, you—I—you need me to, or anything—“ He looks frustrated, eyes glassy. “Remus he say bad things to me.“
“I’m okay.” Remus runs soothing hands up Sirius’ sides. “I mean that, I am. David…yes, he was…” Remus sighs. “Rough. More often than not. But I never, I would never let it get too bad.”
“Is all too bad.” Sirius says disbelievingly. “Remus. Is all too bad, if it even little bit—not happy. There no—like…no question. Is all bad—“
“Well, I didn’t exactly always have a choice.” Remus can’t keep the edge out of his voice and he sits up, a strange sort of annoyance burning in his chest. Maybe not all annoyance, a little shame. He can’t stand the taken aback look on Sirius’ face so he sighs and pushes away from him. “I’ll be right back.”
He goes into the bathroom, swiping his boxers on the way and closes the door. And immediately feels shitty because of it. He groans and pulls his boxers on and opens the door again. Sirius starts a little, sitting up on the bed with the sheets pooled in his lap looking like a kicked puppy. Sad, shoulders low, lashes thick as he looks through them.
Remus runs a hand over his face and takes a few long strides towards the bed before climbing right back into Sirius’ lap and kissing him hard. “Sorry, sorry, sore spot.”
Sirius blinks at him. “I…sore spot?”
“I—“ Remus closes his eyes, trying to find different words. “I don’t like thinking about that. I just…I know it was bad, okay? I was there.” He bites his lip at how harsh that still sounds and tries to soften it by pressing a gentle kiss to Sirius’ mouth again.
“Sorry, baby. I…I’m get angry when hear…” Sirius’ eyes darken again and he holds Remus tighter. “I’m just talk, hear his words in head and when I’m—see you on bed, all naked, and I have to think about him be with you, be—“ His voice chokes off. “Be bad with you…”
“I know. I understand why and I, you know, overreacted.” Remus pressed another kiss to Sirius’ mouth, then his cheeks. “I love you. For wanting to protect me.”
Sirius sighs into a small smile. “I love you. Sorry for…yell.”
“You didn’t yell. If anything, I yelled—a little. I…let’s just not be sorry, okay?”
Sirius nods and kisses Remus’ lips softly. “Not sorry for protect.”
Remus smiles against his lips. “Good.”
They stay like that, kissing slowly, limbs draped around each other until Sirius’ stomach growls.
“Oh.” He says, and Remus laughs.
“We basically slept all day. It really is bad, with the jet-lag and all.”
“Is fine.” Sirius says. “What we have to do? I’m go to work Monday, today Saturday.”
Remus hums sadly. “Work.”
Sirius kisses his forehead. “I’m come home to you by four, promise.”
Remus nods. “I guess I’ll just…walk around. Explore the city a little. Until I find a job.”
Sirius gives him a disapproving look. “Remus, what? No, you relax and think about what school. That all.” Sirius brushes their noses together. “You buy everything you want, walk around city, I’m meet you for lunch and dinner.” Remus groans and Sirius laughs. “Yes, is true, I’m…what call again? I’m say before, can’t remember…” Sirius’ lips purse for a moment, then his eyes light up. “Spoil, spoil.” He pats Remus’ ass, grinning. “I’m spoil you.”
“You already spoil me.”
“Yes, it just get worse.” He says it with an obnoxious amount of glee.
Remus presses a kiss to Sirius’ forehead. “As long as you come home.”
Sirius presses a kiss to Remus’ forehead in return. “Always come home to you.”
#wolfstar#harry potter#wolfstar au#sirius black#remus lupin#solntse#the marauders era#russian!sirius#sexworker!Remus#woflstar smut#wolfstar angst#wolfstar fluff#fluff#angst#smut#wolfstar fic#harry potter fic#sirius x remus#remus x sirius#sirius/remus#remus/sirius#hp#hp fic#wolfstar fanfiction#writing
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I hate to impose on you...but... any chance of your stars are my stars Christmas where Sirius is away over the holidays?
December 21.
Remus is still not sure why he bought a tree. It just makes him sad, looking at it, decorating it. He’s doing it alone and putting Christmas music on doesn’t help, that only reminds him that he’s also listening to Christmas music alone. But he did it out of tradition, really, and because Sirius loves Christmas. He’d want to see pictures. Remus jumped at the thought and picked up his phone.
“Right.” He swiped left and snapped a quick photo of the tree, “That’ll be a work in progress.” He sighed and lowered his phone, regarding the tree with slightly tired eyes, “and I’m talking to myself.” He threw his phone back onto the couch, “Brilliant.”
He fell down on the cushions too, leaning his head back and closing his eyes, resigning himself to what he knew he was doing all too often this holiday season. He let his mind take him backwards, let himself be swallowed in his memories. Just for a moment, he let himself be with Sirius. His laugh came first,
“Re—“ His name was broken up by Sirius’ laughter, “Re, take a picture of me.”
Remus turned around from where he had been rummaging in a box, looking for their star, and let out a snort, “Nice accessory you’ve got there. I’ve been looking for that for the last twenty minutes, you do know that.”
Sirius just adjusted the star that he had balanced on the top of his head. He put his arms out for balance before starting a slow circle in place. Remus rolls his eyes but snaps the photo.
“It’s going to fall, it’s—“ Remus jumped forward over another tray of ornaments and caught it just as it tipped off the back of Sirius’ head, “Yeah. That.”
Sirius turned around, still grinning, and Remus found that he lost his ability to even pretend to be angry. Sirius’ face was bright, and the little scar above his lip, the most visible reminder of the hell they’d gone through months before, was barely noticeable. Remus set the star on the coffee table without looking as Sirius leaned in, capturing Remus’ waist in his arms. Remus pushed his hands through his hair. It was starting to get into his eyes now, he’d been home so long. Remus adored it.
“Maybe we should just put you on top of the tree. A star.”
Sirius hummed, leaning down to press a kiss to Remus’ lips, “Maybe. But some people put angels on top of their trees. In that case, I think it should be you.” He pressed a palm to Remus’ cheek, “My guardian angel.”
Remus found he couldn’t respond to that, couldn’t speak with the way Sirius was looking at him. He was smiling, but there was a seriousness to his eyes. His thumb stroked across Remus’ cheekbone, “You’re what I think about, you know.”
Remus swallowed, hand coming to wrap loosely around Sirius’ wrist, holding him there, holding tight.
Sirius let out a breath, “When,” Another pause. Remus could barely breathe, “When I’m out there, and everything’s too hot and too loud and I feel like I can barely move. You’re what I think about. You somehow,” Sirius shook his head a little, smiling softly, “find me.”
Remus held tighter, bringing his other hand to rest on Sirius’ neck, feeling the reassuring steading beat of his pulse there, “Pads…”
“You just,” Sirius blinked a little, his voice giving out for a moment, “You just find me, you just appear in my head. You’re making me tea or flicking through the telly. Or you’re lying next to me. And I can see you there, in the sand, except we’re at home, and you’re talking about the shopping or something.” Sirius bit his lip, then leaned forward and pressed his mouth the Remus’ forehead briefly before looking down at him again, “And it just gets me through. I get up and I just, all I want is to come back home to that. To tea, and telly, and shopping.” Sirius’ thumb catches the first of Remus’ tears, “To you.”
Remus blinked, breathing hard and staring at the ceiling. To you. He pressed a hand over his eyes, half laughing and half crying. This was the danger of letting himself do that, really. This unbearable weight on his chest increasing by ten pounds. He wiped his eyes with his sweater sleeve, sitting up. He pressed his hands into the cushions for support, trying to regulate his breathing, and looked to his left at the single photo that they’d ever been not lazy with and actually got framed. Him and Sirius on the tube. He supposed James took it, or maybe Lily. But Remus has a book in his hands and is trying to point something out to Sirius who had just put an arm around him and pressed his lips to his temple. They’re frozen like that in the picture. Just the two of them in a busy train, locked together and entwined. Remus reaches out and touches the place where Sirius’ lips are against his skin through the cool glass.
“God.” He breathes, “This is hard, you know that? This is really fucking hard.”
Remus turned away, leaning forward and pressing his face into his hands, elbows on his knees, breathing out through his nose.
“Wish you were here.” He mumbles, “Everything’s better when you’re here.”
He stays there for a moment, then stands up with a huff, “Okay. Okay, 71 days down. Twenty. Twenty more.” He’s talking to himself again, but he doesn’t care, “Twenty more and he’s home.” He looks at the picture, “And you’re home.”
He picks up the picture of Sirius with the star atop his head from the box. He’s grinning, looking upwards. Remus puts it at the top of the tree and smiles.
December 25.
“Pass me another truffle, will you?”
Remus held out the tin, “Number…five, I believe.”
“Fuck off.” Lily laughs, “Usually James is here to eat them all. I’m just carrying out Christmas tradition.”
Remus ignores the pang that ignites in his chest at the mention of James’s absence. Because that translates to Sirius’ absence in his mind and, well.
Remus takes another bite of the pizza slice he’s holding, “What’s your family doing this year, anyway?”
“They’re with Petunia’s family. With Vernon. And Dudley. God.” Lily rolls her eyes, “James’ parents are on some tropical island.” Lily sighs dramatically, “I’d be on an island, if I could.”
Remus raises an eyebrow, “Well, thanks.”
“Not like that.”
Remus just shakes his head and throws a truffle at her, “You’re a bit drunk, aren’t you?”
Lily smiles lazily, “A little. But I’m allowed! We’re both allowed. Our boyfriends are all the way across the world, doing god knows what and—sorry.”
Remus leaned back against the couch, sprawling across it with his lets in Lily’s lap and closing his eyes, “It’s fine.”
“No, I, I don’t mean to keep repeating it. I really don’t, I just… I can’t get over it. God, they’re so far away.”
Remus looks up as her voice cracks. He sits forward, “Hey.” Remus takes her hand in both of his. It’s slightly sticky from the chocolate but he doesn’t mind. She looks at him with a sad smile, pushing her hair out of her face and giving Remus’ hand a squeeze. Remus squeezes back, “I know. But they’re still capable of loving of from all the way over there, aren’t they?”
Lily laughs a little sadly, “Yeah. Yeah.”
They sat there until nearly two in the morning, eating and talking and flipping through Christmas movies, until Lily declared that it wasn’t Christmas any more and, although she loved him, all she wanted to do was sleep.
“I know the feeling.” Remus said as she stood.
It was nice, having each other. But it was also just a reminder. Look who’s missing.
Lily hugged him tightly at the door, “Love you, Re. Try to get some rest, okay?”
Remus nodded into her hair, “Yeah. You too.”
Lily pulled away and picked up her bag, “Oh, and also.” She turned, hand on the doorknob, and grinned at him, “Go look under your bed.”
She closed the door.
“Wh…What?” He said to the wood.
He heard her laugh from the other side, her voice carrying down the hallway, “Just do it!”
Remus stood there for a few moments, listening to her footsteps. Under the bed? His heart leapt into his throat as a thought entered his mind. Lily wouldn’t leave something under the bed for him, she would have just given it to him straight up. That leaves…
“Pads.” Remus breathed to himself, turning on his heels and all but sprinting to their bedroom. He dropped to his knees on the hardwood floor next to the bed, socks and pajamas sliding beneath him. He took a breath and looked underneath.
Mothballs. A sock.
And a box.
Remus’ heart picked up, “God.” He slid it towards up, catching his fingers on one of the folded down flaps. It was just plain cardboard, probably so as not to draw suspicion, but Remus’ heart pounded like it was decked in glitter and ribbons. He pushed the flaps out of the way to reveal a series of neatly wrapped parcels beneath a folded slip of paper. Remus’ name was scrawled in Sirius’ messy handwriting, and Remus’ hand leapt to press against his chest. His other hand scrambled to open the folded page, beginning to read.
Enclosed lies a Christmas care package for Remus John Lupin, the boy closest to my heart and who, I think, will have a tendency to cry today. I can’t stand to see him cry.
Remus smiled, even laughed a little, as he wiped the relentless tears off his cheeks.
Hi Re. Love. Merry Christmas, baby. I’m sorry I’m not home. I hope its snowing though. I hope you have a Christmas tree and you remembered to force Lily to make those fucking amazing gingerbread cookies. Wish I was there to eat them. Wish I was there to be with you, really. You know I do. But, because I’m not, I put some things together that might make up for it—just a bit.
Home soon, right? If you’re opening this on Christmas (which I hope you are) then it’ll be sixteen more days to go. That’s all.
Love you more than you know.
Sirius
Remus took a deep, shuttering breath and reread the letter, then again once more, before moving onto the packages. He wanted to savor this, this little piece of Sirius he was receiving when he needed it most.
The first one was a rather heavy box with the words to keep you warm scrawled on a yellow sticky note. Remus tore the wrapping off and laughed. An electric blanket.
There were smaller things after that. A box of tissues with to dry your tears on it, and a box of Remus’ favorite biscuits and tea with to comfort you. A few bars of chocolate—to make you smile.
And, finally, a soft package at the bottom.
for when you miss me
“I always miss you.” Remus ran his fingers over the place where the pen indented the paper slightly, like if he was close enough to something Sirius had touched then maybe he would just appear. He tore the wrapping off and instantly let out a soft sound, burying his face into what was inside. Sirius’ beat up gray sweatshirt that he practically lived in when he was home. Remus could feel his hands shaking as they squeezed the thick material, inhaling deeply, “Fuck.” Remus unfolded it quickly and tugged it over his head, pulling the hood up and the sleeves over his fingers. He brought his knees up to his chest and turned his head downward into the fabric, squeezing his eyes shut against the burn of tears.
He stayed there for a few moments, nestled in painful comfort, before he noticed another sticky note stuck to the bottom of the box. He picked it up, bringing it into the light.
The sweatshirt is not for crying, its for wearing while you watch movies and eat chocolate with your blanket!
Remus laughed despite his tears because of course. Of course, Sirius thought of everything.
At the bottom of the note,
Once again, I love you.
Remus smiled, sniffing and picking up the chocolate and tea, “I love you too, you absolute sap.”
He fell asleep on the couch the night with a lighter heart, the miles of ocean stretching between them feeling slightly smaller than usual.
#your stars are my stars#christmas fic#wolfstar christmas#wolfstar angst#wolfstar fluff#sirius black#remus lupin#wolfstar#harry potter#harry potter headcanons#harry potter fic#wolfstar headcanons#woflstar fic#remus x sirius#sirius x remus#writing#christmas#harry potter christmas#military!au#wolfstar military!au
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Hey, Haz. I'm having a rough time with my family and could use some Sirius Black to soothe my soul (and make me feel like I'm not alone with my family). Could you write some angsty-then-comfort wolfstar?
The Potters, plus Remus and Peter, are alerted to Sirius Black arriving at their summer home by the slamming of a door and a rather loud curse (Mrs. Potter’s eyebrow arches but she smirks).
Remus and James look at each other immediately, instinct kicking in.
His mum, James mouths at him and Remus only has time to nod shortly before Sirius is barging into the sitting room they’re in. Remus is on his feet in a moment, although he’s not entirely sure why. He half expected to see Mrs. Black barge in after her son, and was half prepared to fight her off of him.
But Sirius is alone, breathing hard, white t-shirt sticking to his skin from the July heat. His hair is wind-mussed and his eyes wild. He flew the bike here. Remus has to push away the heat slowly coiling inside him at the sight.
“Padfoot?” James starts, “Are-“
“Can I talk to you?” Sirius practically gasps it, ignoring James, eyes burning into Remus. His hands are curled into fists, “Alone?”
Remus suddenly feels panicked. He immediately starting racking his brain for something he could have done to make Sirius so angry.
“I-“ He slowly sets his iced tea down, ice cubes clinking against the crystal glass, “Yeah.” He swallows, “Yeah. Um, upstairs?”
Sirius just turns on the spot, and Remus isn’t even out of the room before he hears Sirius’ boots thudding heavily up the main staircase.
Remus finds him in his room, the one the Potters keep for him. He hovers just out of sight for a moment then walks in, only to be taken off guard once again.
He’s barely taken two steps into the room before his back is hitting the door, causing it to close with a slam, and Sirius’ lips are latching hungrily onto his own. Remus makes a surprised sound, but his hands act out of instinct, out of reflex, and grip the material of Sirius’ t-shirt against his back, pushing them closer.
“Pads-“ Remus tries but Sirius isn’t having it. His fingers tangle into Remus’ hair and he brings their lips back together, kissing harder. But Remus feels the desperation, feels the nerves. He knows him too well. So he spins them, Sirius’ back hitting the door this time, and pins him against it, tearing them apart with a gasp. They stand there for a moment, Remus’ palms holding Sirius’ shoulders, panting.
“m’not sure I’d exactly call that talking.” Remus says, trying for a smile. He doesn’t like the way Sirius isn’t looking at him, “Pads-“
“I told them.”
Remus’ eyes widen in surprise, “You-“ He clears his throat, his voice cracking, “You. Told them.”
Finally, Sirius’ eyes find Remus’. They’re not wild anymore. They’re… relieved, Remus decides. And scared. Sirius nods, “About us. I told them.”
“Well-“ Remus opens and closes his mouth a few times. If there was anything he was expecting it wasn’t this, “Well, how did it- how did they…”
“It…” Sirius’ eyes lose focus, staring somewhere in the past, probably watching his parent’s reaction replay in his mind. He swallows, “Bad.”
Remus let out a long breath, hands relaxing against Sirius’ shoulders. He let his palms slide down to Sirius’ forearms, to his wrists, and wrapped his fingers around them gently, pulling Sirius into his chest. Remus put his chin on top of Sirius’ head. He isn’t sure when he started being able to do that.
“Pads…”
“You don’t have to comfort me. Nothing is wrong.” Sirius says into his t-shirt, “I’m with you. I don’t have to hide with you- we don’t have to hide. I don’t care what they think. You don’t have to comfort me, Remus, really.”
Remus plays with the hem of Sirius’ shirt from where his arms hang lazily around Sirius’ hips, “Who are you trying to convince, me or you?”
Sirius stays quiet, huffing a little and tilting his cheek against Remus’ chest.
“They’re you’re family, Pads.” Remus puts his cheek to Sirius’ temple, as if trying to steady him when he feels Sirius sway slightly. He can tell Sirius is exhausted. “No matter how shit they are… That doesn’t mean you aren’t going to care what they think. For at least a little while, anyway.”
“I…” Sirius withdraws only enough to be able to look up at Remus, “I’m not- I… I only want you.”
Remus smiled softly, “Pads, that’s ridiculous. You have me-“
“No, I know that, I mean- I-“ Sirius sighed, “It was just… I wasn’t expecting to tell them. Or planning or anything… It just slipped. I’m just- in shock, I guess. I’m not upset over their reaction.”
Remus hesitated, but nodded slowly as Sirius leaned back into his chest. He knew Sirius was lying to him, maybe he was lying to himself as well. But Remus wasn’t going to push it because he knew Sirius wouldn’t admit that his family’s negative reaction upset him just yet.
“Pads?”
“I’m not upset, Re-“
Remus ducked his head down and pressed their lips together before Sirius could finish. Sirius made a muffled noise and sank into it instantly, hands pressing into Remus’ hips.
“I love you.” Remus said softly when they parted, “That’s all I was gonna say.”
“Oh.” Remus could swear Sirius flushed, “Well. You should be more clear next time.”
Remus chuckled, allowing Sirius to hide his face against his neck.
“I love you too…” Came a muffled voice a few seconds later.
(I hope your family troubles sort out and I am here for you if you want to talk :)
#wolfstar#wolfstar headcanons#harry potter#harry potter headcanons#wolfstar fluff#wolfstar angst#the marauders era#marauders#the marauders era headcanons#woflstar au#writing#sirius black#remus lupin#sirius x remus#remus x sirius#hp#harry potter fanfic
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