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sjhhemmings · 5 months

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Surprise?

Connor Rhodes x fem!reader

a/n: continuing with my Connor kick. just something for the holiday spirit yk 😉. yay babies!!

warnings: fluffy, pregnancy, established relationship, swearing

“Baby? You okay?” Connor asks waking you up from your nap on your bathroom floor.

Shit. What time was it? No way Connor was already off his night shift.

“Hi! yes, i’m perfectly fine.” You say hastily and tired with an unconvincing smile. You were sick. You’ve been puking since early morning, unable to stay away from the toilet for 5 minutes. Ever since last night everything you ate came right back up. You were pretty sure you had food poisoning due to the take out Chinese you had, but you weren’t going to make any assumptions until you went to the clinic today.

“Okay…what are you doing then?” He asks with a furrowed brow now kneeling next to you brushing some hairs away from your face.

Sighing you decide to just tell him the truth. You hated telling Connor you were sick because he always treated you like you were one of his patients, but you couldn’t hide this from him.

“I’m sick.” You say starting to tear up. Why? You didn’t know, you just knew that you didn’t want to disappoint him.

“Hey, hey, you’re okay.” He says now sitting and pulling you to lay in his chest. “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?” He asks a little softer now.

“I-I just feel bad!” You say now sobbing into his chest making his heart hurt a little.

“Well, why?” He asks in the same soft tone brushing your hair with his hand. Completely confused also, you hated crying but you were now sobbing over being sick. Something must be wrong.

“B-because you just got off shift from the hospital, and last night I got take out Chinese that made me sick.” You manage to say through broken sobs which took him a few seconds to understand.

“You feel bad because I just got off work, and you had Chinese food last night?” He asks confused.

“Yes! But no!” Taking a deep breath you sit up to look Connor in the eye collecting your thoughts.

“I feel bad, because you just got off shift, and we might have to go back to the clinic because I’m pretty sure I have food poisoning from the food I had last night. I’ve just been so sick all morning.”

“Oh baby. Don’t feel bad, if you’re sick we can go to the clinic. It’s not like I’ll be working when I’m there. Here how about you take a shower, I’ll make you some toast and we can go to the doctor? Sound good?”

“Yes.” You say sniffling and standing up. Connor also stands giving you a hug and kiss on your forehead. You don’t know what you would do without him.

Once you got out of the shower you noticed you felt a lot better, but it’s better to go to the doctor and make sure everything is okay anyway.

You put on a pair of joggers and one of Connor’s sweatshirts that you basically drowned in but you couldn’t care less. Your whole body was achy, especially your boobs and you didn’t want a form fitting shirt.

“Ready to go?” Connor asks you once you’ve finished breakfast.

“Yeah, but I feel a lot better now. That shower really helped.” You say getting up from your spot and yawning.

“That’s good. Let’s just go to the clinic anyway and make sure everything is okay.”

Once you got to the hospital you immediately started to feel uneasy again. Your stomach really started fluttering and you didn’t know why. Probably just cramps signaling your period is on its way again. Great.

“Good news Y/N, you don’t have the flu or any other virus for that matter. Your blood also came back clean so It could just be a mild case of food poisoning or a 24 hour bug, either way you should be good to go. I also saw that you don’t have a flu shot on file for this year yet so would you want to get that out of the way while you’re here too?” Your doctor asks.

“Yes that’s fine.” You say earning a look from Connor. He’s always bugging you to stay up to date with those things.

“Okay, the nurse will be in shortly to administer the shot. Also do you want to start scheduling your O.B. appointments? I know it’s early but It’s better to be on the schedule with those things instead of coming around last minute.” She asks catching both you and Connor completely off guard.

“O.B. appointments?” You both say in unison.

“Yes. Do you have a preferred Obstetrician?” She asks only making you furrow your brow harder.

“Um, no? I don’t know what you’re talking about.” You asked now earning a confused look from her.

“Well I suppose if you guys are planning on using a midwife that’s fine too, but it’s highly recommended that you go to monthly check-ups while you’re pregnant to ensure the baby’s safety. Connor your’re a doctor you should know this.” The doctor says chuckling slightly to herself, but her smile quickly fading when she realizes both of you guys still aren’t catching on.

“The baby…?” You mutter quietly to yourself afraid to look a Connor for his reaction, which is him just standing there white as a ghost.

“Y/n, you do know you’re pregnant right?” She finally asks now making you look at Connor,

“Pregnant?” You say finally looking at him.

Connor runs a hand through his hair as he finally takes a few steps to stand next to you.

“We’re having a baby?” He asks quietly grabbing your hand, then looking at the doctor.

“We’re having a baby?” He asks louder now, unsure if he believes it or not.

“Um, yes. You are. I’m surprised you guys don’t know, Y/N, by your blood work it shows you’re about 12-14 weeks along.” She says a little shocked.

This makes you look at Connor absolutely shocked. To which he is giving you the same face.

“I’ll give you guys some privacy, would you like me to order an ultrasound?” She asks getting no response until Connor finally tears his eyes away from you and nods almost frantically at her.

“Yes. Yes please.” He says as she shuts the door.

Slowly standing up, you walk away from Connor to stand in the middle room putting space between you guys before you turn to him again.

“A baby?” You ask still unsure on whether you believe it or not.

Of course you would want a child with him. You guys were married for Christ’s sake, but you just assumed it was never in the cards for you guys.

Connor closes the space between you guys, cupping your face his in his hands forcing you to look at him.

“What are you feeling right now?” He asks slightly teary eyed, completely unaware if you want this or not. He thought ever since you accepted it wasn’t going to happen, that you might not want this anymore. That you might not want this baby.

“I-I’m shocked.” You whisper feeling like you just got all the air knocked out of you.

“I’m scared.” You finally admit meeting his eyes again.

“Hey, there’s no reason to be scared. We’re in this together. Whatever you want to do, i’m there.” He says reassuringly.

“Do you think I don’t want this?” You ask slightly worried.

“I think we’re both in shock right now. I don’t know what to think…”He admits pursing his lips a little. “What do you want?” He finally asks a little bit afraid of the answer.

“I want a baby.” You finally admit chuckling a little bit. “I want a family. I want a family with you. I want to have mini you’s and me’s running around…I want this.” You say more confidently chuckling a little at Connor’s smile.

“We’re having a baby!” He says excitedly kissing you.

A little while later the doctor comes back with the ultrasound. Your eyes start to swell with tears as you actually heard the heartbeat. It all just became so much more real. You look over to Connor who is so happy. There is no other way to describe the sparkle in his eye. How in love with you he is, and how in love with this baby he already is. You squeeze his hand as you look over to the machine again when your face drops.

Maybe the downside of being a nurse is that you can read an ultrasound machine, because the second you see the picture of your baby you turn to look back at Connor who is making the same face.

“I know it’s a little early, but I can somewhat make out the gender. Would you guys like to know?” You doctor asks looking over at you.

“We know.” You say smiling a little at Connor whose face is almost unreadable.

Connor doesn’t miss a beat before he kisses you more passionately than he ever has before. There was fire behind his lips and that sparked something within you. It’s so real. God you guys are so in love. You cannot wait to bring a baby into this world with him. Giggling against his lips you pull away and rest your foreheads against each other.

You wipe a tear from his eye before you finally whisper, “Its a boy.”

#one chicago #chicago med x reader #connor rhodes one shot #connor rhodes chicago med #connor rhodes x reader #connor rhodes fanfic #connor rhodes #chicago med one shot #chicago med #chicago med fanfiction #pregnancy #it’s a boy #surprise #established relationship

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mazeofyeni · 9 months

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(🔴) ... [ NOW PLAYING ] [NCTZEN-MADE] CECE BEING LOVED BY NCT !

❛intro❜ : if you ever think you’re the best cece stan , that you love her more than anything – remember you will never love her as much as nct does 🥰

CLIP ONE !

nct 127 simping over cece

*cece coming to visit the nct 127 members on set* “cece is on set today , she’s come to visit me” *doyoung side eyeing haechan* “she’s here to see everyone , stop lying to the camera.” *jaehyun crushing haechans delusions💔* *yuta wrapping his arms around cece* “are you on your way home?” *shaking her head* “me mark and johnny oppa are going to a concert.” *🐰 hearing this* “yah ! but everytime i ask if you want to eat , you’re alway busy.” *angry doie* *127 laughing at doyoungs pain once again* “we’ll get food soon oppa” *happy doie* “your outfit looks nice , you might get cold though.” *taeyong being a worried mother , fixing her shirt* “and this skirt is too short , be careful,” *cece is embarrassed* “oppa.” *127 cooing at her* “i’m embarrassed.” *johnny finally coming back* *handing her a jacket😭😭*!”dreamies have a schedule tomorrow and you don’t need to be sick.” “mark asked the staff for it don’t worry” *mark taking care of cece a never ending saga* “okay have fun , don’t stay out to long cece.” *mark and johnny are confused* “oh yeah you two stay safe , don’t let her go to far alone” *taeyong does not gaf about all that just that his child is safe😭*

CLIP TWO !

wayv trying to steal cece from nct dream

*preparing for nct 2020* *yangyangs first time talking about her ever on camera* “cece is here now.” *points camera* “where.” *ten coming from the wood works* “cece , my baby!” *ten and his i raised cece agenda* “come my baby.” *this was the first time we’ve seen cece and wayv in the same frame* “wayv!” *czennies were shocked , we didn’t think they knew each other 😭/hj* “she’s our new wayv member , we’re stealing her from the dreamies.” *hendery is deadass* “yeah i’m learning chinese , give me a few months , i’ll be in the new comeback.” *dreamies are across the studio sobbing right now* “i’ll be the maknae though , that means kun has to do everything for me and not you yang yang.” *kun is in shock* “i don’t mind.” *hendery tryna figure out why yangx2 isn’t being a menace* *ten peeping it too* “oh i have to go , i’ll see you guys.” *walks away* “our yangyang is growing up.” *yangx2 is embarrassed 😭*

CLIP THREE !

cece being too cute for the dreamies

*context: cece was in the states during the dreamies 7th anniversary so she couldn’t attend the live* *jeno actively talking**mark laughing* “cece is trying to facetime me.”*the dreamies completely forgetting the objective at hand* “answer it” *like okay haechan calm down😭* *answers it* “i just dyed my hair , does it look pretty?” *mark being the first person she calls is so cute🥹* *a little more context: she doesn’t know they’re live-streaming* “we’re live ce.” “i’m sorry , i’ll call you back .” *dreamies still hyping her up* “no it’s okay , you still look pretty” “thank you” “she’s so cute” *jisung forgetting he has a mic on* “cece say hi to the camera” “hello czennies , it’s our 7 years as nct dream , thank you for staying with us this long , sorry i can’t be there , i hope to see you guys soon.” *the staff behind the camera are confused but let go* “alright we have to go , i’ll call you later.” “mm okay , love you.” *mark we see that smile* “that was our cece” *our cece🥹😭*

CLIP FOUR ! (💬nia’s notes: text like this - eng)

cece and her representative oppa johnny

*cece doing a live* “i haven’t been able to do lives , so im glad i can do this.” *phone rings* “it’s johnny oppa” *look at that smile🥹* *answers it* “hello?” “where are you?” “on the 7th floor.” “oh you’re at the company , good.” *hangs up* *confused cece* “what is wrong with him?” *shrugs* “oh well.” *5 minutes later* “the door flys open , scaring her” *johnny cackling is so sinister* “oppa!” *she’s stressed* “your face was so funny” *cece rethinking her life choices* “what do you want?” *hands her a bag* “these are the snacks you wanted , i thought you left , i was gonna give them to manager to give it to you , but since you’re here i brought it so that i could see you.” *johnny please🥹* “ah , thank you thank you.” “did you settle in okay?” *talking about her moving into her own apartment* “i still need to put my couch together , i tried to do it with renjun but we didn’t get anywhere.” *johnny to the rescue* “i’ll come the next time i’m not busy” *princess treatment* “i’ll treat you for your help” “don’t worry about it , you need a couch , i have to go , i’ll call soon.” *head pats , look at the fucking head pats😭💔* “bye bye”

CLIP FIVE !

chenle simping for cece

*dance practice bts* “everyone take a break” *chenle sits down on the floor* *cece sees her target* “chenle” *get y’all someone who smiles at you like that😭* *lays down on the floor , her head in his lap💔* “i’m hungry.” *look at that pout , she knows how to play the game* “hungry , what do you want?” *chenle about to leave practice to get her food* “ramen?” *shakes head* “chicken?” *shakes head* “what then?” *cece shrugs* *his ass can’t even be frustrated because he’s so in love he can’t help but smile* *grabs her cheeks* “ah cute! i’ll get you something after okay?” *he’s so in love🥰*

❛outro❜ : there are so many more clips but i’ll leave it here , i’m just glad our cece has a bunch of people who love and appreciate her ❗️ , she’s so loved💔😭.

©️MAZEOFYENI

#fictional idol addition #fictional idol community #fictional idol oc #fictional kpop community #fictional kpop oc #fictional kpop idol #nct female addition #nct addition #nct dream female member #nct dream addition #nct dream 8th member #nct 24th member #nct female member #nct female oc #nct dream female addition #cece (content)

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hwalilac · 1 year

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Do You Love Me?

⇴ pairing: park seonghwa x gn!reader

⇴ genre: fluff, angst, F2L

⇴ words: 1.4k

⇴ warnings: crying, jealousy, drinking

⇴ a/n: this is a re-upload! feedback is accepted and welcome, I’d love to hear your thoughts on my work! if you’d like to be on my taglist, lmk. if you’d like to see more of my work, check out my masterlist!

For Seonghwa, you were his ride or die. He did everything for you. He would drop what he’s doing in a heartbeat for you. He would never tell you he loved you, but he did. And you… you were oblivious. To you, you had no idea Seonghwa liked you, let alone loved you. The problem was, you liked him back. But you, never in a million years, thought he liked you back.

It was complicated. Nothing ever moved forward. Both of you were just too scared of the ‘what if’s’. But nothing would ever separate you. You’d been friends since middle school, Seonghwa being the first kid to come up to you on your first day of school. He gets you. He always did. You’d be nothing without him. He’d be nothing without you.

You spent your Saturday afternoon relaxing, eating and sleeping. You weren’t expecting to do anything today anyways. However, as soon as Seonghwa called you about a little get together with the boys at their apartment, you immediately got dressed. He said there would be alcohol as well, fueling you to move faster.

By the time you got there, everyone was already gathered around the living room, sipping on their drink of choice. Seonghwa immediately got up to get you a drink, without even asking you. When he comes back, he hands you your favorite alcohol, proving how well he knows you. You sit down on the floor, opening the bottle and taking a big chug. When you lower the bottle, you see Wooyoung staring at you with a smirk.

“Can I help you with something, Woo?”, you ask teasingly. “I don’t know, can you?”, his voice is filled with a touch of lust, but is mostly covered by his drunken slurring of words. You thought only you picked up on the hint of flirting, so you just let it go. Little did you know that Seonghwa’s hard eyes shot daggers into Wooyoung’s side.

The rest of the night went pretty smoothly, you all stuffing Chinese food in your mouths from the store down the street. By the time it was 10 pm, most of the guys were already in their rooms, headed to bed. You let out the biggest yawn, before getting your stuff ready to leave. While you were in the kitchen, cleaning off your utensils, Wooyoung peeked his head around the corner, directly at you.

“Hi Y/n,” his words were even more slurred than before. Usually he doesn’t drink this much, but you’re not too worried about his behavior. “Hello Wooyoung,” your amused tone spurring him to keep talking. He compliments your outfit, which you give a polite thank you, before telling him to go to bed. “You should head to bed with me,” he jokes, which you know he’s not serious.

Seonghwa happens to walk into the kitchen when Wooyoung says that, his eyes widening when he sees that it’s you he’s talking to. He stands behind the wall, listening for your response. Your response however, is not what he was hoping for. You let out a giggle, the alcohol letting you joke more with Wooyounf than normally do. “Maybe I will,” you say, almost seductively.

For Seonghwa, this moment broke his precious heart. He didn’t stick around for the rest of the conversation, quickly heading to his room and quietly shutting the door. His back hit the door, him slowly sliding down the surface, until he hit the floor.

He knew Wooyoung is like this, but he never thought you would flirt back. And to be honest with himself, he was incredibly hurt. Why did he ever think he had a chance with you? His head sat in his hands, quietly letting out a few sobs before quickly heading to bed in hopes it would get it off his mind.

The next few days are a blur for you, sleeping the day away on Sunday after your killer headache. Monday and Tuesday were classes, with an incredibly tight schedule. Luckily you had Wednesdays off, giving you time every week to spend a day with Seonghwa. Because this is routine for you guys, you’re surprised when you don’t find a good morning text, along with a time he’ll be at your place.

You almost panic, before coming to the conclusion that he must’ve slept through his alarm. You go about your morning normally, giving him time to wake up. By the time 9 am rolls around and there is still no text from him, you start to get a little worried. You send a “good morning, you ok?”, text, hoping he just simply forgot. But by the time it hits 11 am and nothing, you decide to just leave him alone, thinking he might just want to be alone today.

You try not to worry about him as the week goes by without any word for him, but when it hits Friday and there’s still nothing, you decide to text Hongjoong. It turns out Hwa has been hiding in his room all week, not coming out unless he’s hungry. You decide enough is enough, and head over to their place Friday night.

When you knock on the door, Jongho answers, letting you in, knowing you’re there for Seonghwa. You quietly head over to his door, trying not to disturb anyone, before knocking on his door. It takes a minute before he opens his door, but when he does, you find that his eyes are swollen and tired. But once they lie on you, they widen almost comically. You’d laugh if you weren’t so worried.

Before you can ask him anything, he speaks first, “What do you want?”. His tone almost hurts to hear, not expecting such irritation. Your mouth drops open, hoping he’s not talking to you like that. And yet, he is, judging by the frown on his lips. You scoff, before pushing him aside to march into his room. “What is wrong with you, Hwa? What’s happening?”, you question, almost desperately. You wrack your brain trying to understand why he’s so upset with you.

He stays quiet for a second, before huffing and moving to his bed. He sits down, his head facing the ground. “It’s dumb.” He cannot be serious. You sit next to him, grab his hands in yours and tell him to tell you anyways. He lets out another long sigh, before confessing. “I didn’t like when Wooyoung flirted with you, and you didn’t stop him.” You sit there for a second, not even understanding what he’s talking about.

Then it hits you, “You mean last Saturday? When I was drunk out of my mind?”. You shake your head and squeeze his hands. He frowns, before continuing, “I’m sorry Y/n, I’m so sorry for not telling you.” He quickly takes his hands out of yours, before facing you. “I love you. I love you more than anything.” Your jaw can’t help but drop, in pure shock. There’s no way.

“Seonghwa, don’t play with me.” You spit out at him, in pure denial of his words. But he reassures you, “I do. And I was so jealous, when it’s not my place to. You’re not mine.” Your eyes swell up with tears, part of you still not sure he’s telling the truth. But it’s Seonghwa, of course he is. “Hwa… I love you too.” He sits there, face blank. You can see when it finally hits him, that you like him back. You like each other.

He lets out the biggest sigh of relief, thankful that this constant state of secretly pining over each other can be over. You like him. No no, you love him. That’s all he could ever ask for. Once the silence finally sets in, he can’t help but apologize over and over again. There’s no way he really ignored you, when he could’ve just admitted his feelings to you. But it all worked out in the end.

The rest of the night consisted of gentle kisses, cuddling and telling each other all the untold feelings that were bottled up. You can help but lie in his arms, hoping to never leave his side again. This is the start of something new, something beautiful. The funny thing is, when you finally told the boys about your new relationship, Wooyoung shouted “Finally!”. There was nothing to worry about. He had you, and you had him.

I do not give permission for anyone to repost my work

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wanderlust-in-my-soul · 10 months

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Do you know any thai/korean/all BL dramas with sad ending?

Thai/Korean/All BL Dramas With Sad Endings

Okay, let me get started. BL in general is not really created for sad endings. It is a phantasy land where all kinds of dreams come true. And originally it adressed a specific audience. So, some of the dramas I am listing here are more queer media in general and not specifically BL. And some of those dramas have an open ending, that does not mean it is not a sad ending, and some might have a beautiful ending, which was kind of sad. There are so many ways of reading those endings.

Two of the shows I haven’t watched yet, but I know that those have sad endings… And please be aware, there will be spoilers after the read-more-dash.

Let’s get started!

Egoist – based on a true story, this Japanese movie is heartbreaking. It is a beautiful story about the love between two people and how they manage their life together until, yeah well, until fate f*ed everything up.

Eien No Kinou (Eternal Yesterday) – another Japanese title. From the start of this series, you just know that this won’t end well. It just can’t. And at the same time, it is so beautiful, you can’t stop watching it. So good!

History 3: Make Our Days Count – I guess people would come after me, if I don’t mention this Taiwanese bl. Yeah…I wasn’t that impacted by the ending, but most of the people who watched it were devastated. I understand why, so have fun 😊

Kissable lips – the first Korean one. This series wasn’t my cup of tea, but that wasn’t the question. For a sad ending, this is your series!

The Miracle of Teddy Bear – this is such a complex thai series as is the ending. Many didn’t watch it because of some weird elements of the series and the episodes are long, but BUT it is so worth a watch! The ending? I kind of liked it? But it was very bittersweet and considering the use of the Little Prince source it is really good...but sad... I am confused... still...

Dark Blue And Moonlight – a Taiwanese series…I wouldn’t recommend it. I can’t really remember the ending… I know it was bad sad.

180 Degree Longitude Passes Through Us – a thai masterpiece. I love this one so much and I analysed the sh*t out of it! It is so good and I was devastated in the end! Such a great storytelling and cinematography and story and the characters...perfection.

Dear Doctor, I’m Coming For Soul – this is a thai series, which got very little attention when it aired (I don’t know why, I really liked it) and the ending was just a sobbing fest for me. I mean I liked it and it was just logical, but I was very sad!

Don’t Say No – also a thai series and I don’t focus on the main couple… I couldn’t care less about them… but the side couple! Oh the heartbreak I felt and the betrayel!

He She It – To this day I still ask myself what I have watched here. All I know is, it is confusing and kind of sad…the whole story, not just the ending.

The Best Story – it is Thai and it is YinWar… so it is good. Nevertheless, it has a very bittersweet ending, and I didn’t feel good after finishing this miniseries. I was very sad!

Once Again – one of my favorite series of 2022. This Korean series deals with a lot of trauma. It has some supernatural element and is really really good! And I was sobbing for the whole f*cking last episode!

When The Waves Rise – in this Korean short film, it is all about the feeling you get from it. It left me devastated. I was really not doing well after finishing it. It touched a part of my soul and it left a sore spot there.

Your Name Engraved Herein – I haven’t seen this one, because I know it will break my heart and I am still not ready for that. It is a Taiwanese movie and I know that I will love it, but I also know that I will cry my little eyes out.

Grey Rainbow – haven‘t seen this one either. This is a Thai miniseries and it is said to have a very sad ending.

The Untamed – the king, the queen, the emperor of sadness. I love this 50 episodes long Chinese masterpiece of a series to death! It doesn’t have a bad ending imo and it is quite open, but the amount of tears I shed during watching this fantasy epos was not funny anymore. I was ugly crying for like 15 minutes straight at one point. And I felt empty after I finished it. I miss it so much! I wish I could watch it again with all the emotions I had during my first watch!

But yeah…this is my little list 😊

If anyone wants to add more dramas, please feel free to do so 💜

Anon, I hope I could help a little bit and this list is useful 🌼

#anon ask #josi answers #bl with sad endings #egoist #eien no kinou #history 3: modc #kissable lips #180 degree longitude passes through us #the miracle of teddy bear #once again #your name engraved herein #the untamed #thai bl #taiwanese bl #japanese bl #korean bl #bl drama #bl series #listing things

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hurtcomfortficstilltheend · 1 year

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Study sesh gone wrong.

Wanda Maximoff x gn! Reader (College Au)

Summary: It's finals week and you are overwhalmed, Wanda helps you get through a rough study session.

Warnings: Academic stress, being very overwhalmed, flow state is a bitch sometimes, feeling cold, hurt/comfort, fluff at the end.

A/N: Wrote this last year before a massive biology exam.

Word count: 862

You get to your room ten minutes after finishing your last lesson for the day. The space is cramped and the air stuffy, so you open the windows and make your bed to feel somewhat accomplished.

You go to the bathroom and fill up a big jar with water. You are about to dive into a long study session, you can’t afford anything else, and you’ll need to at least be hydrated to keep focus.

If you stop to think about it, you know, deep down, that you are overdoing it. Ever since your academic performance started to be graded (back in high school) you feel like you need to get everything right. Every single exam you have ever taken and every essay you have ever written has either gotten an A or an A+, which for many would mean that you can relax now, right? You have a soft cushion to land if you are to get a bad grade, right?

Wrong! Cause what if you get sick, and then you can’t go to class, and then you fail your exams and have to redo the whole year? What if you get into a depressive episode and your professors think you are just being lazy? What if you get the bare minimum grades to graduate and then no one wants to hire you to be a scientist and then you die of hunger?

You can’t let that happen, and you won’t. If it takes not having any social life while on exam times and finals week, so be it.

You sit down on your small desk and get all of your notes and books out.

Hours pass by without you noticing. Tomorrow you have a biology test and you haven’t had time to study during the week, cause today there was a math exam that you -also- felt totally unprepared for.

You are so immersed in your work that you don’t notice when the door opens and your girlfriend and roommate, Wanda, comes in after knocking a few times.

“Hi babe! I brought takeout!” She notices you can’t hear her. She closes the door behind her and takes a few steps into the room. “Jeez, it’s freezing in here”.

You come out of your concentration induced trance and stare at Wanda while she closes the windows. You notice that it’s already dark outside.

“Hi Wans” you get up from your chair and almost fall, as your legs feel numb from sitting for so long. She catches you though, and engulfs you in her warm embrace.

“Honey, you’re ice-cold” she says in a worried tone. Only then you notice you’re shivering uncontrollably. You bury your face on the crook of her neck. Now that you're out of the flow state, you feel tired, hungry, and cold, very cold, all at once.

“I didn’t notice, sorry” you apologize unnecessarily “I was studying”. You take a step back to see her face. By the look of it you know she’s worried about you. You feel the tears well up in your eyes. You don’t understand why. “I’m really cold”.

“Baby…” And that’s all it takes for the dam to break. You feel the sobs in the back of your throat before you let them out into the air.

Wanda pulls you in again and strokes your back in calming circles. There are no words needed. After a while the crying turns into soft and sporadic hiccups.

“We have to get you into warmer clothes, okay?” you nod in agreement, without enough energy to speak yet. She hands you a pile of fresh clothes: a pair of sweatpants, a long sleeve t-shirt and your -her- favorite hoodie.

She warms up water in an electric kettle while you change, and you choose your favorite tea from the makeshift cupboard.

You end up eating lukewarm chinese with rose tea while cuddling in bed, because your feet were cold as ice and you got worried that they would fall off if you didn’t get under the covers at that exact moment.

The lights have been off for a while, when you whisper “I’m sorry” you think she’s already asleep until she asks “What for?” softly.

“I don’t know. I feel like I’ve ruined the evening for you” you admit. your face is resting in her chest, and you can feel how her breath catches.

“You couldn’t ruin anything babe” she assures you. Her fingers run through your scalp in soothing patterns. She feels so lucky to be the one who gets to comfort you when you show this part of yourself, being that you are usually the most cheerful and optimistic person in the room. She feels special knowing you can unmask your insecurities and be vulnerable around her. “I love you, you know that, right?”

“I love you too” the tiniest of smiles makes its way to your face, you’re so lucky to have her by your side. You forget for a while about the biology exam, and all your studies for that matter. You drift off listening to your love’s heartbeat, with her arm around your shoulders, and her lovely voice in your head.

#wanda maximoff x reaader #wanda x reader #gn!reader #wanda x gn!reader #college au #studying biology my beloved #self insert #wanda maximoff college au #hurt/comfort #fluff #college wanda #marvel #scarlet witch

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wangmiao · 9 months

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hii! i just finished reading the dark forest!! what a journey, i think it took me about a month to finish it lol. i wanted to share some thoughts !!

i found some of the concepts fascinating.. what stuck with me the most now i that i (try to) recall everything that happened, was the battle of darkness and the dark forest theory as a whole was brilliant. i imagine those people that were just- endlessly floating in the immensely vast universe and it made me think "oh wow how Sad and Hopeless that must've been" i too would've want to end it all, i believe that's a lot to endure.. that's one

another thing was the infamous wallfacer project. well that was new. and the fact that they had to plan everything on their own bc of the sophons, that's also kind of depressing lol. one thing i was confused was: why was luoji re-elected as a wallfacer at the end? i mean there wasn't anything more he could have done anyways?

da shi as always is such a great person😭 he never abandoned luoji during this long crazy journey, even after 200+ years. honestly i love his character a ton, i wanted to see what would happen to him at the end but there was nothing! will he be on Death's end? or his character just ends here? :((

i thought the whole thing with the "trees" as homes was pretty cool, though i couldn't really see it in my imagination haha i honestly can't imagine what would our society be like in, say, 300 years from now

i found it too simplistic(? that only when the trisolarans communicated with luoji did they stopped their plan to coming to earth, or maybe there's something i missed? or maybe it is really just that: communication solves everything? lol idk

and a deserved special mention to zhang beihai, respect!

i think that's everything i've got on my mind right now, but in general it was very interesting and depressing and dark.... what were some your favourite moments from the book? i can't wait to start death's end next !! but i'll start later, i have to fully process this book first hahaha anyways that's all, have a great day or night!!! :))

hello, friend! it's great reading this ask, and i'm glad you decided to share it with me. i have to say that i read the books years ago, so my memory on everything is not that fresh. and since i read the chinese version, i don't know some of the vocabularies they used in englishn. while i'll try my best to reply to this ask, i'm sure there's gotta be some novel fans here that could do better than me.

the dark forest is indeed very interesting and depressingly dark. i was definitely in awe when i heard the dark forest theory for the first time (before i read the books, and that was partly why i decided to read them). i also really like 水滴/waterdrop or droplet which is just something that looks simple but super super super powerful.

i enjoyed reading about the wallfacer project. even the three failed ones are equally fascinating and disturbing. i want to bow down to liu cixin's imagination...if i remember it correctly, luo ji is re-elected because his "咒语/spell or curse" actually came true. and at that time humans are really hopeless, so they just want to have someone that they believe can save/lead them.

da shi is everything. i lol need a da shi myself. unfortunately, he's not in the third book. my inner shiwang shipper feels that shi qiang and wang miao got similar style of exist from the story. and the common believe (i don't even remember if i read it in the novel or it was fan theory) is that shi qiang dies of natural causes at old age like wang miao. i kinda feel like maybe shi qiang and wang miao promised each other that they'd try to stay alive so that they can both be copernicus *sobs*...

ok...bear with my silly shallow shipper's talk for a moment, you know some people were like shiwang will be no more once season 2 of three body comes out, and everyone will start to ship shi qiang and luo ji, and it kinda bothered me a bit (ps. i know most people including myself didn't ship anything while reading the books, but man, these dramas are really forcing it on us lol). but i don't anymore, because i really think wang miao is special to shi qiang. besides shi qiang being a good and protective human being who will die for the greater good, i think one of the reasons that he stays with luo ji all this time is because luo ji reminds him of wang miao. even though it is only mentioned very breifly, i do believe liu cixin meant to tell us how important wang miao is to shi qiang... “我这辈子还只见着他一个”

as for luo ji stopping the trisolarans, i think he uses the dark forest theory, and his threat of exposing the location of the trisolaris (and in turn exposing earth's location) stops their plan.

and zhang beihai is an awesome, complex, and well loved tragic hero even though he isn't a very major character like luo ji. i remember yu hewei said in an interview that if he didn't play shi qiang, he'd probably like to play zhang beihai. i'm really curious who they'd pick to play zhang beihai in season 2.

anyways, thanks so much for the ask. you made me want to re-read the books, and i know i really should! have a nice day/night!

#three body #三体 #three body problem #the three body problem: the dark forest #the three body problem #3 body problem #ask/talk to me #in-a-brown-study #cnovel #cdrama

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snowblossomreads · 6 months

Text

Exhibit 4: Maybe, Just Maybe

Previous Chapter: Art of Starting Over

Pairing: Sinclair Bryant x Amiee Huang (OC)

Summary: Amiee and Sinclair rush to the hospital while trying to figure out their place in each other's lives. Another life precious to Amiee hangs in a precocious balance.

Tag(s)/Warning(s): Implied Attempted Suicide, Hospitalization, Drug Overdose, Alcohol Abuse, Drowning, Depression

Word Count: 6.7K

A/N: Hooof, is all I can say LOL! This chapter is a bit heavy so do bear with me! Also yesterday from when I'm posting this was Close My Eyes anniversary so happy bday to the movie that gave us a puppy dog (ignores everything else) Anyways enjoy and I'll see you at the end!

A/N+: Jk hold up just in case there is confusion with all the names going on here is a quick blurb for name explanations when it comes to Amiee.

Amiee - English Name , Xuemei (雪梅/Snow Plum) - Chinese Name, Xiao Xue (小雪/Small Snow) - Chinese Nickname

Angela/Angie - English Name and Nickname, Quixiang (秋香/Autumn Fragrance) - Chinese Name

Alright NOW let us continue.

Whatever intrigue Sinclair had about who was calling at this hour had been pushed aside in his mind. He was still busy unraveling from the shock of the delicate yet fleeting kiss that Amiee had placed on his forehead before slipping away. It had caught him off guard yet he also wished that it lasted longer.

Brushing his fingertips along his forehead he couldn't help but let out an irritated sigh at the complicated feelings that were bubbling up.

"Selfish, Selfish, Selfish!" He chided himself quietly as he sunk further back into the couch. "What are you doing Sinclair? You're still technically married so why are you rushing her into something like this? You think you would have learned-."

His self-flagellation was cut off mid-sentence when he heard a sharp wail from the kitchen that caused him to freeze and look down the hallway. It was then followed by Amiee shouting something that he didn't understand before the loud slam of the telephone rang throughout the flat and he watched her fly out of the kitchen into her bedroom.

Something was most definitely wrong and he was up from his seat in an instant as he heard loud rustling coming from her bedroom along with what sounded like sobbing as he approached.

“Amiee what are you doing? What’s going on are you okay?”

His line of questioning was met with silence but before he could poke his head in her room, she had reappeared and he felt as if the wind was being knocked out of his body. Her eyes were rimmed red and tears had begun to wet her cheeks as she kept swiping at her face to clear her vision. But the tears only came quicker.

He had long established that he didn't like it when she cried. She had only done so once in his vicinity and he had gone mad trying to figure out how to stop her from doing so. It wasn’t that it bothered him, well yes, it did bother him, it bothered him a lot actually. He had always seen her as a calm and steady person. Someone he would go to when he needed to complain and she always had a knack for bringing him down from any proverbial ledge.

Yet she was also always a lot of fun to be around, indulging him in his eccentricities and never belittling him for his behaviour that a few would call childlike. She was sweet and an absolutely lovely human and now she was upset. And he wanted to fix that in any way possible because she was Amiee and he wanted her to be alright.

“Sinclair please I need you to take me to Manchester,” she blubbered quickly trying to go past him only for him to gently but firmly grab her shoulders and hold her in place scared that she would run into something with how out of it she was. "I ha-have to go please I'm so-so sorry.”

“Wait! Wait you’re going to hurt yourself darling! Slow down tell me what’s wrong! What’s happened?”

“It’s Angie,” she panted unable to catch her breath as she sobbed again at the thought of her little sister in hospital. “I have to go Sinclair somethings wrong please can you bring me there I need to go p-please.”

A grave look appeared on his feature when she said that and he instantly understood why she was so broken up. With no hesitation, he immediately nodded at her as the thought of not helping never once crossed his mind.

“Yes of course I’ll take you whatever you need!”

It was the last thing said before they rushed out of her apartment, she was barely able to lock her door as she fumbled with her keys only for Sinclair to take them from her and do it for her.

Guiding her to his car with a hand on her lower back he opened the door and let her get situated before he was jogging over to his side to get going. Both were so overwhelmed with the situation that a familiar noise sounded in the air yet neither paid attention. Most of the drive was quiet, in contrast to the one they took hours ago. Sinclair didn’t even think of turning the radio on and he was surprised at himself again when he couldn’t find anything to say to her.

The only sound that accompanied them was the soft hiccups coming from Amiee that would sometimes turn into little whimpers and the bumps in the road as he sped up the M1. He was sure if they got pulled over the fine would be astronomical but it didn’t matter. What mattered was getting to the hospital as soon as possible as he was unsure of the condition of her sister as he sped down the motorway. It wasn’t until maybe an hour or so into the drive when Sinclair glanced in Amiee’s direction to check in on her and found her slumped into her seat. Her arms were wrapped around the bag she had bought with her and her head was slumped in the direction of the window.

She had fallen asleep.

With all the adrenaline that had been rushing through her and the clock now showing almost one in the morning, he was not surprised that she had.

‘She gets cold easily remember?’

The thought floated in his mind when he saw her and he automatically began reaching behind him to pull his jacket off the back of his seat. With one hand on the steering wheel and eyes fixed on the road, he somehow managed to pull the jacket loose. Holding it in his right hand, he carefully leaned over and was able to lay it on her without too much fuss and without driving off the road. A win for everyone he thought as he heard her let out a small sound before going silent again.

Giving her one last glance over, Sinclair went back to concentrating on the quiet roads even though his mind was less quiet with various thoughts that he couldn’t decipher. While he was used to his mind being loud, he was also used to it being clear, but at the moment it was as clear as London’s foggiest days.

That was a novel sensation.

So, he sat in silence most of the drive which was also a novel thing and only when they were about 30 minutes out from Manchester proper did he decide to nudge Amiee awake. It only took a shake of her shoulder and the call of her name before she was stirring in her seat and coming back alive.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t the only thing coming alive as her head began to pound and her eyes hurt even in the dark. To compare this to a bad hangover was accurate, except for the part where she didn’t even have the chance to have a drink.

“Sin-hiccup-clair w-what where are we, did I fall asleep?” She questioned as she wiped her eyes which felt sore and tried to blink away the drowsiness that seemed to want to stick around.

“You did, I didn’t want to wake you until we got near, I’m sure you’re exhausted,” he chattered as he rubbed the sleep from his own eyes.

Sitting in silence had gotten a bit dull after a bit so he had turned the radio on to a low buzz to ward away any exhaustion. It had helped if only a little, but he was starting to feel drowsiness attempt to bubble up again and was glad to now have someone to talk to.

“We just passed the sign saying Manchester’s about 30 miles away and thought better to wake you up now and make sure that I’m going to the right place. I assume we are going to the Royal Infirmary but I haven’t been here in so long that maybe they built a new hospital somewhere and we need to go to one of those?”

“No you’ve got it right,” Amiee quipped her voice a bit low and raspy as her throat felt dry like sandpaper from all the crying she had done for almost an hour. She could use some water but that would have to wait.

Shifting in her seat because she needed to stretch, she noticed that she had something soft lying on her front that wasn’t there before. Eyes flickering down, she could tell that it was a suit jacket that was engulfing her smaller frame and keeping her from getting too cold. Not only that, but the scent that wafted from it was the same dark citrus that was distinctly Sinclair and she couldn’t help but want to wrap it around her like a blanket.

“Sinclair?”

He hummed his acknowledgement before flicking his eyes in her direction and noticed she was tugging at the jacket.

“Oh! I wanted to make sure you stayed warm,” he explained glancing over at Amiee who was playing with the neckline of the jacket and pulling it close so that it was under her neck. “I know the cold makes you feel bad, and well…,” he paused for a second, “you’re already feeling bad right now so I didn’t want you to feel any worse so I hope it helps even a little.”

She could see the timid smile that broke on his features as he said it and for a moment there was another emotion other than sadness and confusion that swirled in her mind about what was going on.

“It does,” she whispered before adding a soft, “thank you.” It was almost inaudible but by the way his smile grew and the way he sat up in his seat, exhaustion fading suddenly, she was sure he had heard it.

They talked some more as they approached the centre of the town. It was mindless chatter, yes but she let him talk to her, keep her from thinking too hard and he seemed plenty happy to do so. As he spoke the empty motorways became empty side streets but the scenery changed from forest on each side to houses, shops and all types of large buildings.

It wasn’t long before they were following signs to the hospital and within a few more minutes they were pulling into the lot for the emergency department. Even on a Friday night, technically early Saturday morning there were unsurprisingly quite a few cars as even if it was the weekend people didn’t stop getting hurt or becoming ill.

Oh, if only.

As soon as the car was put into park, Amiee quickly unbuckled herself and put the jacket aside before she leapt out of the car and began to walk briskly towards the entrance. Sinclair followed suit once he turned the car off, jogging to catch up to her as she was already across the parking lot. Once inside the hospital, they made a beeline to the receptionist who was not paying any mind to the coming and going of people or the people sitting in the waiting room.

“Excuse me,” Amiee asked as she approached the counter “My sister is here and I was told I needed to come as soon as possible. Is there any way you could tell me where I could her?”

Not even looking up at her, the receptionist began to shoot her down by saying,

“Visiting hours are over you’ll have to come back-”

“No no no you don’t understand,” Amiee interrupted, panic starting to bubble up suddenly and the urge to just run and look through every room to find her sister growing stronger. “My mum called, said it was an emergency they are up there already with her if you could just let me go up.”

Finally looking up at the two, the woman examined Amiee for a movement before she looked at Sinclair who had just come from behind and absentmindedly placed his hand on Amiee’s lower back. It caused her to look up at him with a worried expression before she turned her attention back to the older woman behind the desk who eyed them curiously before asking,

“What’s the name?”

“Angie-, no sorry Angela Huang they came in just a few hours ago I think.”

Turning to her computer, the woman began to click around and type something while Amiee bit the inside of her cheek and began to shift her weight from one foot to the other. Even with the clicking noises of the mouse and the sound of keys clacking her mind refused to stay silent and began to spiral again.

Was Angie okay? What had happened? Did someone do something to her? What if it was too late what if she-.

“Ah,” the sound of the receptionist brought her back as the lady turned back to them. “Ms. Uhm. Ms. Angela is in room 437 which is in the ICU bay. You and your husband can take the lift behind the doors up to the fourth floor,” she directed pointing towards a door that was diagonally behind them, “and then cross the bridge over to get there.”

While they had heard her, they both were frozen at her statement about Sinclair being Amiee’s husband. Did they look like they were a couple?

“Oh, erm we’re not-.” Sinclair began to fumble his words but thankfully the receptionist seemed to continue to go about what she had been doing earlier too busy to pay attention to them.

Wanting to keep it that way, Amiee interrupted with a, “thank you so much!” Before grabbing Sinclair and pulling him in the direction that they had been told to go.

The lift ride up was practically silent other than the sound of the mechanical gears of the machine working to pull the metal box. Both of them were too busy thinking about what the woman had said and also thinking about what to expect once they reached Angie. Did they seem so familiar with each other that they looked like they could be married? Sure, they were comfortable around each other having dated and all. But there had to have been something else that the woman saw to cause her to think they were married.

Right?

So caught up in their thoughts, the sound of the lift dinging to let them know that they were on the fourth floor startled them though both tried to mask it as they exited the lift and began to almost jog in the direction they had been told.

They had only made it a few feet before Amiee flew from Sinclair’s side with a loud cry of,

“Mama! Baba!” Leaving her lips as she ran towards an elderly couple who he could only assume were her parents as he had never met them.

They were both sitting alone outside of what they guessed was the room that they were directed to. Neither of them were speaking as the older man was slumped over with his head in his hands and the older woman was staring straight ahead. It was only when they heard Amiee’s voice did they seem to be pulled out of their stupor.

“Xiao Xue!” The older woman gasped standing quickly as Amiee ran towards her before giving her mother a tight hug.

Her father a bit slower to rise ambled over to the two women and offered Amiee a small pat on the shoulder as he stood beside his wife and eldest daughter. He had never been one to show a huge amount of affection so it didn’t surprise her too much when he didn’t embrace her as her mother had.

“What happened, what’s going on?” Amiee spoke in rushed Mandarin, pulling away from her mother and looking between both her parents trying to get as much information out of them as she could. “Why are you both sitting outside? Are the doctors in the room right now?”

Nodding, her mother began to explain what had happened all while barely keeping at bay fresh tears that threatened to spill from her once more. Apparently, when they had come home that night from the neighbours, they had noticed that some of the lights were on and the sound of running water in the bathroom.

Assuming rightly that Angie had come home from wherever she had been, they both didn’t think anything of it until they wandered into the hallway and noticed that there was water pooling out from underneath the bathroom door. That’s when her mother started to call out to Angie and when there was no reply the second or third time, she opened the door to find her youngest, unconscious slumped in the tub with water covering the lower half of her face.

“She wasn’t moving or breathing,” her mother wept and Amiee was close to joining her while her stomach tightened and twisted itself in knots. She increasingly thought she was going to be sick with each passing moment and each word that was spoken.

There had to be a reason. This wasn’t her sister. She had seemed fine when they had talked a few days ago. Happy about school starting in just a few weeks. Happy about moving to London and being near Amiee. No no no this was all wrong. Not Angie, she would never do something like that.

She would never k-.

Amiee couldn’t even complete the sentence in her mind as she stood there listening to her mom’s recount.

“I told your baba to call the ambulance and I turned the water off and tried to keep her head up as the water drained but why?” Her mother wailed loudly and stomped her foot in confusion and frustration. And most of all pain. “Why would she do this?”

There was no answer Amiee could give to her, only wrapping her arms around her mom in an attempt to console the weeping woman as she didn’t know what else she could do feeling as confused and lost in the situation as she was. Hugging her tight Amiee glanced up at her baba who seemed unnerved. While it was expected in this situation there was something odd about how he had barely said a word to her. His eyes averted from her own and trained on the ground as if he didn’t wish to look at them.

“Baba-.”

“Excuse me are you all the family?”

Before she could ask him how he was, a voice from right behind them called out causing Amiee to let go of her mom who dabbed at her tears as a man in a white coat, who they assumed was the doctor came up to them.

“Yes we are doctor,” Amiee answered now in English while going to shake the doctor’s outstretched hand. “I’m Amiee the sister and this is mom, Grace, and dad, Andrew,” she introduced pointing at the respective parent who also shook the man’s hand and said their hellos.

“Wonderful, I’m Dr. Davies and I apologize for having you all wait for so long but I first wanted to let you know that Ms. Huang is currently stable and doing fine right now so you all can breathe easy,” the man stated. And god did they all let out an audible sigh of relief. “But,” he continued, looking down at a chart in his hand, “we did have to put her on a ventilator because she was going through respiratory failure and wasn’t getting enough air. We think she'll be on it for maybe a week or so but with how young she is we’re hoping for a shorter amount of time.”

“What is um ventilator? Respiratory failure?” Grace asked in a slightly accented English, puzzled as she and her husband seemed a bit unfamiliar with the term the doctor had been using.

“Ah I’m sorry your daughter was having trouble breathing on her own and so we currently have a machine helping her do it,” the doctor explained as the older couple nodded while Amiee anxiously raked her hand through her hair barely able to listen to the man speak as the only thing on her mind was her sister. “Once her lungs gain their strength again, we’ll be able to take her off of it.”

Understanding shone in their eyes, but before either of the parents could thank the man, Amiee had dropped her hands to her side only for her to cross it against her chest before speaking.

“And her being underwater for a long time I guess caused this?”

There was a brief pause for a moment at her question as the doctor looked at her with an unreadable expression that had more questions suddenly forming in her mind.

“Well, yes that is what we think at first glance.”

At first glance?

“What do you-”

She wanted to ask him what he meant by ‘at first glance’. Was it or was it not the drowning that put her in the hospital it was a simple yes or no question to Amiee but it apparently wasn’t meant to be answered at that second as before she even finished, her mother interrupted.

“We can go see her yes?” Grace asked already making a move towards the room anxious to see her daughter to make sure that she was okay even if the doctor insisted she was.

“Yes of course but please understand that when you go in your daughter will have a, um, mask over her mouth and nose that helps her breathe she isn’t in any pain but some people are shocked when they first see a loved one in this manner,” the doctor assured them before continuing, “also we usually only let two people go in at a time so if it would be possible could one of you stay behind?”

Seeing that her parents were about to protest, Amiee cut them off speaking up for herself before they could,

“It’s fine I can wait! My parents can go in first.”

Even if she wanted to see Angie right then, she didn’t think she could handle it at that very second with how fast everything had been moving. And then the way the doctor seemed to be holding something back when she asked him her question. She needed to know what was going on.

“Xiao Xue,” her father finally spoke his voice raspy and tired; it was borderline fragile sounding which had her eyes widening just slightly as it was not at all like him.

“Baba it’s fine, I’ll be here waiting and will talk to the doctor,” Amiee replied in his native tongue trying to assuage the thinly veil concern in his weary eyes that she could finally see.

His expression had her already queasy stomach twisting more as it was a familiar look she had seen before but she couldn’t quite find it in her memories. It was an uncomfortable look to say the least as her mother began to fuss wanting him to come on so that they could see her sister.

Giving her one last glance, he turned around and followed his wife who was hurrying to the room. She watched as they started to enter the room, pausing only for a moment at the doorway before going in and closing the door behind them.

When they did, she felt her entire body slump, the tension in her muscles giving out immediately and the self-restraint that she had been holding in on the verge of collapsing. But she couldn’t collapse, not yet, she wanted her questions answered. And it seemed as if the doctor sensed that too as he was quick to grab her attention once her parents were out of earshot.

“Amiee, yes?” Dr. Davies questioned, pulling her from her thoughts and focusing her back on him. “About your question earlier,” he started a bit cautiously and seemingly nervous as he spoke. “I’m sorry if I seemed to beat about the bush regarding it. I was just a bit unsure if it be doing more harm than good trying to explain the full situation considering well…” He paused as he tried to find the right words and Amiee who had gone through this a million times before only let out a sigh that was accompanied by a slight shake of her head.

“You mean my parents?” She offered her tone a bit irritated already knowing what he was trying to imply. “I appreciate it doctor but I think I would have appreciated it more if you did try. Just because English isn’t their first language doesn’t mean they wouldn’t understand with some effort.”

The words had more bite than she intended to and she could see from the way the man’s face twisted that he didn’t miss the aggression and impatience that had been stewing in her during the whole ordeal. If he was offended by it, he seemed to quickly shrug it off before making an attempt to explain why he had hesitated initially.

“I understand and I apologize I just thought with the already delicate situation of things it be better if there’s a clear understanding of well…the whole matter.”

“I’m assuming the fact that my sister almost drowned to death isn’t the only situation you’re talking about is it?”

“No, unfortunately, it isn’t,” the man said as he looked at this chart once again before back at her with his eyebrows drawn together and a slight frown on his face. “We took some blood samples when she was first admitted and the labs came back fairly quick. Her blood alcohol content was at a .30 which is incredibly dangerous as that much is technically classified as alcohol poisoning.”

This had Amiee taken aback for a moment. .30? No that was not right and she wanted to ask him again if he had read those numbers correctly. Sure, her sister and she liked to have a glass of wine or something every now and then but Angie was never one to indulge more than necessary.

Even at family gatherings where drinking games were aplenty, she had never been one to partake in excess always complaining about how she didn’t like the way it made her feel. She didn’t have time to ask him though because he continued explaining what else they had found from the labs.

“That’s not all, there also seemed to be a high level of a class of medication called benzodiazepines, or benzos as most people call them in her system when we ran the test.” He continued and she could feel the bile in her stomach try to slowly make its way up her throat because she knew what was about to come even if she didn’t want to hear it.

Angie would never. She would never. Never. Never.

The words were chanted over and over in her head as the man continued to speak, yet she could barely hear his words over the noise in her head. If she was truthful, she didn’t want to hear those words only if to save her from the immense buildup of guilt that she had long thought she’d thrown away.

How had she not known?

“I’m not aware if you know this but these types of medications do not react well with alcohol even in normal doses and the amount that was in her system was more than enough to render her unconscious and even put her in a coma had she not been rushed here. Because of those two things even after she wakes up, we would like to keep her for some psych evaluations just to be on the safe side.”

Had her heart been a glass object it would have shattered in a million pieces at his words. Oh how she wished it was though because at least once it was shattered there would be nothing left to hurt.

But it wasn’t and the stabbing pain that she felt in her heart had her breathless. At a loss for words, Amiee could only stare at the doctor who wore an expression of pity, or concern or something of the two. Yet she couldn’t discern it, too busy trying to not allow the giant hole of despair to drag her into its depths and drown her.

“Are you saying that she tried to k-.” The words caught in Amiee’s throat as her mind felt scrambled and her eyes began to burn with the familiar sensation that seemed to come more easily these days.

How many times would she be on the verge of crying this week she wondered as she tried to swallow the tears down yet they refused to hide. Seeing her struggling to get the words out, it was easy to make an inference of what she was trying to say and the man tried to ease her mind even if it didn’t.

“While we don’t want to jump to conclusions,” he spoke choosing his words carefully, “we do want to make sure that she is okay both physically and mentally. Could it have been an accident absolutely but it’s something we take seriously.”

As much as she had wanted to believe that it could have been an accident, a mere coincidence she couldn’t help but let her mind wander to the negative. With everything he had just told her, from how much alcohol was in her blood, to the medication, which she had no idea she had been on, how could it have been an accident?

Yet the thought that it was purposeful, the thought that her sister, her baby sister, would do this. It refused to stick in her mind and she could only nod in understanding as she feared if she talked the strength that she had left would fade and she would only be left in a puddle of tears.

“I’m terribly sorry this happened Ms. Huang but the good news is that she’s stable now and we don’t expect that to change,” the doctor said as he went to pat Amiee’s shoulder.

She wanted to brush his hand off of her. The gesture, she knew, was meant to be in goodwill, in comfort maybe, and she knew it wasn’t anything but that. Yet she was so hurt, so confused. Angry, and tired as it felt like everything was crashing onto her and she just wanted it to stop. Why couldn’t it all just stop for a moment and let her breathe? It’s all she wanted to do.

“Thank you doctor,” she finally rasped out, her voice not sounding as her own as he gave her one more pat before dropping his hand.

“Of course,” he answered shuffling his clipboard under his arm, “if you all need anything don’t hesitate to call for a nurse at the front desk and I’ll make sure to check in at the end of my shift to update you all on anything.”

Nodding, the doctor gave her a tight smile before retreating down the hall in the direction she and Sinclair had come rushing from just moments ago. Yet as she stared in that direction, she couldn’t help but ponder briefly that something was missing. Her mind whirling and whirling trying to overcome the haze of everything that had been dumped on her while trying to remember what that missing thing was.

Until it finally dawned on her that she wasn’t missing something but someone.

“Oh god! Sinclair!” Amiee half shouted half croaked as she forgot for a second that she was in a hospital and didn’t think the staff would appreciate her screaming in the hallways.

Her feet began to guide her faster than her brain could think and before she knew it, she was turning down a corridor where the unmistakable sound of her lost friend chattering could be heard. He had a knack for making his presence known to everyone and it seemed as if a poor nurse doing her job was the victim of it as she turned the corner and saw him.

What they were talking about she didn’t know but it seemed as if the nurse was trying to get away but Sinclair continued to talk. And as she got closer, she could hear him telling her about the Human Genome Project that had really begun to take off at the start of the decade.

“And did you know that with the help of human genome sequencing, the hope is to be able to develop more medical techniques that can help cure all kinds of diseases along with better protocol to take care of people! I think that’s wonderful, don’t you? And with the amount of money we’ve sent over to help fund it I think it’ll be a great success!”

Enthusiasm dripped from his words as he spoke to the nurse who seemed to be trying to get away but to no avail, as he kept talking not letting the poor woman get a word in. Deciding that it would be for the best to free the nurse, Amiee approached and went to get his attention.

“Sinclair there you are!” She exclaimed, causing him to stop talking and turn in her direction. “I was wondering where’d you run off to I thought you had up and left me!”

There was a joke in there somewhere but she didn’t think it had quite landed as his smile faltered at the sight of her. Or rather at the sight of how red and puffy her eyes were, an easy telltale sign that she had been crying. With his attention on her, the nurse high tailed it away silently not even offering a goodbye. It would have been funny to Amiee if the mood was lighter but it was anything but.

“I got so caught up talking to the doctor I hadn’t even realized you gone missing until I looked around and you weren’t nearby,” she explained, giving him the tiniest smile she could muster when she noticed that he was holding a little tray with four paper cups in it once she was beside him.

“Oh I was just fetching some tea for us and then I got into a lovely conversation with, Nancy here-,” turning to introduce the nurse, Sinclair paused when he noticed that she was gone but it didn’t seem to bring him down at all as he turned back to Amiee. “We talked, well mostly I think I talked about the human genome project because she said her cousin or uncle one of those is working on it at his university!”

“Really? That’s brilliant,” she responded despondently not in the mood to fake enthusiasm as she was too tired to put on a face.

She just wanted to see her sister and go to bed in hopes that when she woke up everything would be okay. That when she got up her sister would be healthy and alert even if that was the very opposite of what she would be according to the doctors.

Sinclair noticed and immediately his expression darkened a bit as he went to put a comforting hand on her shoulder and it took everything in her not to rest her cheek on it. His touch was the opposite of the doctor’s. It was the only touch she could stomach right now and she wished it would stay even if she didn’t dare say it. So instead, she made no move to remove it, only moving forward to close the distance between the two of them.

“Is Angie okay? I’m sorry I didn’t stay, should I have?” He bumbled unsure of the correct answer in a situation like this. “It seemed like it was something that some stranger shouldn’t put their nose in and I didn’t want to intrude so I told myself I should maybe get everyone some tea because I’m a bit knackered and I’m sure you all are too!”

Looking down at the drinks briefly, Sinclair turned his gaze back onto Amiee and she couldn’t stop the way her heart swooped into her stomach. It ached yes, but it was different from the painful sort that had plagued her the entire night.

“You’re not a stranger Sinclair you know that,” she whispered not wanting to answer his initial question right that second as she was still processing what she had been told and was unsure if she wanted to even tell him.

Not only that but she was unsure if she could tell him without just breaking down completely. But otherwise to her, her words were true, even if they hadn’t seen each other for years he didn’t feel like a stranger and if he was well, she had never felt so comfortable with a stranger before.

“I should be the one apologizing for dragging you all the way out here in the middle of the night. I didn’t even say thank you yet.”

“Nonsense you think I would tell you no and make you wait until the Tube was running in the morning?” He asked a bit indignity a pout forming on his lips that had her feeling something other than the dread and sadness that had plagued her. “Of course not, I was there and I could help so of course I did! And even if I wasn’t I would have come. I’ll always help you Amiee you’re my friend!”

‘And I love you!’

Those words he left unspoken for the fear of being misinterpreted worried him more. Yet he did love her, she was his friend and he loved her so much that he hated seeing her so hurt and broken up. He loved her like a friend. A friend that he never wanted to be away from…a friend he wished had stayed. And a friend that he wanted to be as close to as they had been all those years ago.

Yet he would be silent. He had learned because of her how to be silent and not always let his feelings be known even if it was learned in the worst way possible. And plus, this was not the time of place. Amiee had enough to worry about, he didn’t want her to be under more pressure. So he stayed silent as she looked at him though unbeknownst to them both their thoughts were almost on the same plane.

For her, he had proclaimed his care, and his friendship with such convection and such honesty that for a moment she wondered why she had done it. Why she had run away so long ago. Maybe because it was how honest he was, how truthful he was that she was afraid that it would have been seen as her using him. Maybe he could have helped her, maybe if she had stayed things would have turned out differently.

So many maybes because she hadn’t been brave. But she had also been so young and the situation she had been put into still had her wondering what would have been the best approach. But still, maybe he could have helped if she had just told him and not tried to take the burden on herself things would be different. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

There were too many of them to deal with and while her past kept trying to linger, the present was where she was needed even if it was equally daunting. She would have time one day to sort her past out. But she needed to be here.

Taking in the softness of his expression that was directed at her, she felt a strange surge of relief begin to flow in her. Even if she was exhausted, desperate for answers, and still confused by everything at least he was there. Someone she could trust, someone who had a place in her heart that no one else could take. He was there and she was thankful for that least.

So with a smile that was less forced than the one she had given him earlier, she reached her hand up and brushed his cheek gently. A puzzled expression blanketed his features as he stared at her curiously though he made no move to push her away.

And with it, she spoke words that weren’t exactly what she wished to say but she at least hoped he understood why, and hoped that the gesture was enough. For now.

“Thank you for always being a wonderful friend,” she paused before adding a soft yet audible, “love.”

His amber eyes lit up and his puzzled expression began to morph into one of joy. With each second that passed, the way his smile grew wider and brighter had her thinking that maybe, just maybe everything would be okay.

A/N: I hope you all are still here with me! I promise the story isn't going to be all doom and gloom but my brain was like we have to have some semi balance of plot and the plot was attempted murder of a sibiling. Ahaha…anyway tell me how you're feeling and if you enjoyed it (even if it was a downer). Probably won't update until next year as i have some other fics I want to write but dont worry we'll see these two again!

#sinclair bryant x oc #sinclair x oc #sinclair bryant #alan rickman character #the art of entangled hearts #blossoms writing

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sketching-shark · 1 year

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Do you think its funny that the fandom treats the Monk kinda the same way he treated Wukong, he kinda deserve it but can we at least something different about him (like I don't see anyone make bug jokes or about all the poetry)

AUGH well anon as I've said before I'm well aware that the internet is were nuance goes to die & while yes I know fandom is a place were people often just want to have fun & not think to hard, I do find it funny but also increasingly frustrating how even though fandom often purports itself as a place of massive diversity more and more it seems to be structured around creating an Official Version of characters' personalities & relationships rather than trying out many different things, or even considering the implications of the source material.

Now of course it has to be acknowledged that a lot of this is often due to what's in the canon work itself (like Wu Cheng'en himself seems to have deliberately written Tang Sanzang in large part as a caricature of fussy Confucian scholars), but in addition I feel like the popular understanding of a character as one extreme or another goes double for stories where the only easy access that an audience may have to it is from translated works or from cartoony retellings. Speaking for myself for example it's been pretty wild having gotten into Journey to the West before Monkie Kid came out & now it often seems like the lego show version of the story (well that and the sarcastic youtube retelling) is the only version of Xiyouji that people in the western internet audience primarily know/care about. But I'm coming from a position where I had the time & access to both read through the entirety of the Anthony C. Yu English translation (which as per usual I need to remind people you can access for free in PDF format on multiple posts on this hellsite) as well as was able to access some of the scant few scholarly works in English about the story. And that's just not something that a lot of people know about or have access to.

As such, it's pretty understandable why many people wouldn't know about all the poetry because well that's never even been brought up in the versions of Journey to the West that they've encountered, or wouldn't make bug jokes because there's little mention of Tang Sanzang having been Golden Cicada in any retelling that they've seen, or if it is it's just presented like fun trivia rather than one of the primary reasons why Tang Sanzang was even chosen to be on the journey in the first place (or what the religious significance of the cicada was in China). Add everything that can easily get lost in translation to the further simplification that cartoony retellings demand, and you can see why many people's understanding of the Tang monk would just be "whiny idiot who's constantly getting himself kidnapped, falling off his dragon horse, & torturing the monkey," especially since between Sun Wukong and Tang Sanzang the monk is by far the more static character (although a lot of Chinese retellings add scenes of him actually recognizing he was wrong & apologizing to the monkey in a reversal of the simplification trend afeawsdf).

Plus, well, I mean it's not like a cartoon is going to include all those scenes of Tang Sanzang tied up & sobbing his eyes out because he's literally in a gore-bespattered cave surrounded by yaoguai who plan to eat him, and they're especially not going to include the times when he's sexually assaulted. In a different approach than usual these things and the resulting trauma could be presented as explanations (but not excuses) for Tang Sanzang's ongoing hostility towards Sun Wukong (who lest we forget is the first yaoguai to try to kill him), but doing that well takes a level of nuance and care that's vanishingly rare in both big budget & fanon retellings of Xiyouji. Hell, in retrospect it's not even handled that well in Xiyouji itself, as if memory serves correctly the kidnappings & near death/consumption are mainly just framed as things that the monk needs to endure to get to the next stage in the journey, and Sun Wukong even makes fun of Tang Sanzang after he was molested by a female yaoguai for an entire night.

So YEAH I often do wish that Tang Sanzang was treated with more nuance (like I would LOVE to see a retelling of Xiyouji where he's more of an intelligent rule-breaker like the historical Xuanzang), but between how he was written in canon & the tendencies towards tropes & simplification in both big-budget retellings and fanon tendencies you can see how he would end up Journey to the West's Most Hate-able Character.

#anon answered #xiyouji #journey to the west #jttw #tang sanzang #daily reminder that the journey would have been pretty traumatizing for everyone involved #like geez the pilgrims all had a lot of things happen to them even before they got together #and in many ways them bouncing off each other under their circumstances kind of made it worse before it got better

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youkaigakkou-tl · 1 year

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The Kyoto Arc Analysis Post (Part 1)

In other words, “OP has been consumed by wikipedia rabbit holes for the past 3 months”

Starting writing this in September, now it's November. Also this thing is nearly 7000 words.

TLDR: This is basically a crash course on ancient Kyoto, the mythology then, and stuff that details in this arc points to. Chinese philosophies and mythology are mentioned too, when relevant.

Spoilers for chapters 82 to 94.

I keep hitting image limit so this has been split into multiple posts

This part covers the urban planning of ancient Kyoto, what the four gods are, and some locations shown in ch 83.

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4

(If you want to read the whole thing in a google doc, here's the link)

Warning: I’m not a historian, just some rando on tumblr, I’ll probably get some details wrong. If you have anything to add or anything to correct, please do, also don’t get too mad at me.

Also, if this shows up in the searches for some of the other mangas I namedrop, I’m sorry!

If there’s a concept you’re interested to know more about, just google it. I’m bound to leave out stuff bc not everything is relevant (and there’s already plenty of irrelevant stuff in here sobs), people write whole books about this stuff, I’ll be here for 1000 years if I were to bring up all of it.

I Don’t Know How To Start This

I guess I’ll recommend some other manga that have to do with gods, Shinto, that stuff.

Well. Everyone knows what Noragami is. If you don’t, go read/watch it. If you do, go read/watch it again. It’s probably better than you remember it being. That’s the curse of monthly manga, it feels like there’s pacing problems when you read it once a month, but usually when you binge it you find it’s structured pretty well. Strangely I don’t find this with youkaigakkou, but maybe because I think about it 24/7.

Touge Oni, or “Primal Gods in Ancient Times”. This manga leans heavily into ancient Japan, Shinto creation myths, stuff like that. Tonally it’s kind of like Mushishi, in the way that powers beyond human comprehension just do crazy shit. Anyway, great manga, highly recommend.

Wow, The Actual Manga, Right

Just some trivia to start with. This is going to wander quite a bit, because there’s a lot about history and mythology, which means everything is connected to everything else. You know how it is.

Shinto shrines are called shrines, 神社 -jinja, meaning “place of the god(s)”

Buddhist temples are called temples, 寺 -dera or -ji.

The temple they’re staying at is called “Bonnou-ji”, or "worldly desires temple". As far as I can tell, this isn’t a real place, nor could I figure out what temple it’s based on just from the scenery we get to see. (We don’t even get a general location of what part of Kyoto it’s in.)

Heian-Kyo

You may have noticed South is oriented at the top on this page.

I have a guess, but I can’t be sure it’s right.

Why does it matter? First of all, we have to talk about the other thing Seimei mentions about Kyoto: It’s built in a grid.

(By the way, this is an insane thing to say. What does he mean?? Does he mean “ah yes city was built like this over 100 years ago so one day someone could use this specific spell involving a grid to subdue a giant booba monster”?)

Also, the word he uses for “grid” here is “碁盤目 (gobanme)”, which in the literal sense means “shaped like a Go board”, which is cute. I want to see them play Go.

Heian-kyo (the name for Kyoto back then), like Japan’s previous capital of Heijo-kyo (now Nara), was modelled after the Chinese capital of Chang’an (now Xi’an).

For the record, they probably didn’t call themselves “Heian-kyo” back in those times, and started calling themselves Kyoto around the 11th century. It’s kinda like how we call it “ancient Japan” but they didn’t call themselves that. To them it was just “now” and “the capital”. Why make a name for “the capital” when there’s just one capital that will be capital forever? Makes sense.

(Just for reference, the layout of the streets and where Heian-kyo would be compared to modern Kyoto.)

The emperor’s palace is in the northernmost part of the rectangular city, with the main street Suzaku-oji going down the center of the city to the southern gate.

The reason behind that is the idea that left (east) is more important than right (west), and that the emperor should sit with his back facing the north star (Polaris), so that the sun rises from the left (east) and sets on the right (west).

What Heian-kyo and Chang’an are both based off is the urban planning fengshui idea of “shijin-so-o”, which translates to “four gods topography”, which is the very same four gods we’re talking about this arc.

There are two very similar versions of this philosophy, the original one and the one derived from that.

The original version is based off the idea of “zofu-jusui” meaning storing wind and water. There is to be mountains in the North, hills in the East and West, and a body of water in the South, creating a sort of jug.

The expanded version is:

Seiryuu to the left, flowing water in the East Byakko to the right, thoroughfare in the West Suzaku to the front, lake in the South Genbu to the back, mountains in the North

Basically, a city is to be bounded by mountains in the North, a river in the East, a road in the West, a lake to the South. Also, again, left and right in this definition is based off the emperor’s perspective, which could explain the direction labelling on that page.

In any case, both of these definitions apply to Kyoto.

Also, Chinese maps traditionally were oriented with south at the top, I can't say for certain if Japanese maps did too, but it's likely!

However, if you look at maps today, you may find that there’s no major body of water south of Kyoto.

In the past, there used to be the Ogura-ike pond south of Kyoto, which symbolised Suzaku. (Despite being called a “pond”, it was more the size of a lake, 4km by 3km). In the 1930s, it was filled in because of land reclamation, to create more farmland.

In a sense, Kyoto had “lost Suzaku”.

Intermission

It’s also BECAUSE of this very philosophy that Kyoto nowadays gets abnormally hot in summer (above 35 degrees celsius for 15 days a year on average, compared to 5 days everywhere else).

Because it’s inland and blocked by mountains on all sides, on hot days, cool air can’t flow in from elsewhere so it just keeps getting hotter. Sounds like a stupid trade-off for stupid philosophy, but the practical reason behind the philosophy was probably that surrounded by mountains, Kyoto would be harder to invade.

Suzaku-oji

The main street, Suzaku-oji, also gets its name from the four gods. The main entrance to the palace, connected to Suzaku-oji is also called Suzakumon, or Suzaku Gate.

Speaking of Suzakumon, it shows up in the manga!

It’s where Byakko brings the gang when they go to the Seimei shrine. (Albeit a surreal version) The text on the plaque over the door is hard to read on this manga page, but it’s clear in this chapter promo art.

I believe it’s also where Shutendouji appears in ch 89. The text over the door is even harder to make out, but the building itself looks just like in that promo art.

Back to Suzaku-oji. Looking at modern Kyoto, you may notice that there's no major road down the center, instead there’s that major road to the right (in yellow). Zoom in! Enhance! What’s that road called!

Karasuma-dori street. Corresponding to Karasuma-koji of Heian-kyo, and has replaced Suzaku-oji in modern times as a main street of Kyoto. You know, like Karasuma Ranmaru. (launches myself out the nearest window)

So anyway, what gets me hung up about why south is at the top in that page, is that it just does not correspond to the map under it.

Left side is a miniature model of Heian-kyo, it’s basically a perfect match. And you can see Suzaku-oji right there on the miniature model, that big wide road, stretching from the palace gate towards the south, which would mean that south should be at the bottom of the page instead of north.

So why is it like that? idk

ALSO, IF YOU LOOK AT THIS PANEL FROM CH88, WHERE IS THE MAIN STREET???? This panel drives me insane. YOU KNOW WHAT THIS LOOKS LIKE? If you took that top half, the palace, and just pasted it at the bottom. And also the sides. DID THEY THINK NOBODY WOULD NOTICE? You know what they had a point. Canada “most sane yohaji enjoyer”, OP of this blog, who spent 2 months looking for sources on ancient Japanese and Chinese urban planning in 3 different languages, is an outlier and should not be counted.

What does this have to do with Kuji-kiri?

Honestly? I don’t know! There’s not a super obvious connection.

Kuji-kiri is the grid thing Douman does, “kuji” means nine words, “kiri” means cut. It’s a version of the kuji-in (nine hand seals), where the kuji-in is nine hand signs paired with nine words or phrases, the kuji-kiri is 5 horizontal and 4 vertical lines, drawn alternating, starting with a horizontal line.

It’s said to be derived from the principle of yin-yang in Taoism, which Onmyoudou as a whole comes from. (Onmyou and yin-yang use the same kanji)

Specifically, the 5 horizontal slashes are yang and offensive, the 4 vertical slashes are yin and defensive.

Worth mentioning, Onmyoudou also incorporates the philosophy of gogyo (five elements). Will elaborate on that later.

9 is a symbolic number in Taoism, said to be the perfect number in divination for yang, or the nine planets, or the seven stars of the big dipper plus two guardian stars, believed to be the gateway to heaven. There is the most tenuous of connections here, in that 9 was an important number in Chinese philosophy, where an ancient Chinese urban planning guide states “9 li x 9 li squares” (“li” is a unit of measurement) and “9 vertical and 9 horizontal streets in the city”

To that end, I assume the connection is simply that Kyoto is grid = Kuji-kiri is grid.

Four Gods

Four gods, auspicious beasts, symbols, guardians, whatever. The idea originated from China, and didn’t change all that much when they got to Japan. They don’t have this many names in Chinese, it’s just called “si xiang”. “Si” means four. “Xiang” doesn't have a great exact translation.

Not to be confused with any other mythical figures that come in fours that China/Buddhism/whatever seem to love so much, for all that “four” is an unlucky number.

Like a lot of other Chinese mythical things, while associated with Taoism, the four gods didn’t really originate from any religion. In that sense, I think they occupy the same cultural space as Japanese youkai, in that while sorta connected to religion, they’re not the focus.

They’re not gods of any religion, so what are they?

They’re constellations.

In Chinese astronomy, much like the western zodiac, the night sky is split into parts corresponding with the Earth’s position throughout the year. (Albeit, based off the moon rather than the sun.)

The night sky is split into 4 quadrants and 1 middle section, the middle around polaris symbolizing the emperor, and each quadrant is one of the four gods.

As said before, this is relevant because it’s part of the fengshui stuff behind the layout of Chang’an, which was inherited into the layout of Heian-kyo.

What does this have to do with Abe no Seimei?

Well. Onmyoudou is just divination, which is just astrology.

The four gods are very much tied to the Gogyo (five elements), which is half of the basis of Onmyoudou (the other half is yin-yang).

We know it's specifically the Taoist Gogyo and not the Buddhist Godai (another thing with 5 elements), because Seiryuu specifically says his domain is “wood” and “wood” is not present in the Godai.

If you’ve seen other media with Abe no Seimei, you may have heard of the 12 divine guardians (or divine whatevers, you get the idea). They’re shikigami employed by him, four of which are these four gods. I’m not entirely sure if it’s these four gods themselves, or if they just share namesakes.

(Also not to be confused with whatever other figures in Buddhism/whatever that come in twelves)

These 12 divine guardians also each correspond to a direction and the Chinese year zodiac.

The idea of the four gods is oddly extremely tied to Abe no Seimei, I assume because of the astronomy and astrology connection, so much that the gate to the Seimei shrine is the “shijinmon” or “four gods gate”, and also the pillars with the four gods carvings that show up in the manga as well.

Abe no Seimei tangent! According to legends, Abe no Seimei's mom was a white fox, Kuzunoha, often considered a youkai, but also sometimes said to be the envoy of a god or is a god herself.

In other words. What I’m trying to say is. I want to see fox Haruaki. (OP's worldly desires)

Also, look at this fun story about how Seimei died.

Tbh, I don’t know how much of this is common knowledge. I’ve seen a pretty big variety of people reading youkaigakkou, from people who are hearing about youkai for the first time to people who know absolutely everything about onmyoudou and onmyouji. I guess in this essay so far, the Abe no Seimei stuff is more towards the “everyone knows this” end of the spectrum and the Heian era urban planning is “who the fuck knows this”.

Youkaigakkou Geoguessr

That was a lot, so here’s me messing around on google maps for a little bit.

This panel was changed slightly in the volume release, but these are the Toji pagoda, the Fushimi Inari Shrine torii gates, and Kyoto Tower.

At the start of ch83, they’re at Nijo Castle.

When Haru hears Byakko’s voice and runs off, this is probably where this panel is. I can’t get an exact angle from google street view, but it probably looks like the panel if you’re on the sidewalk. The parking sign, tree, and road sign line up almost exactly, and the building looks roughly right. (Seimei shrine also marked on the map for reference)

Mans casually sprinted 1.5km. You go king.

Seimei shrine is pretty cool. Sensei got to go there for photo references. It never really occurred to me how weird featuring real places in a manga would be, as cool as it always is, all the paperwork you probably have to do. (They have a link to apply for that on the website) They have a wall with Ema (wooden plaques) written by actors, authors, filmmakers and mangaka that feature the shrine in their works. I wonder if Tanamai sensei got to write one.

This page was also changed in a pretty big way in the volume release.

I mentioned this in my TL note, but this is referencing the reports of taxi drivers ferrying ghosts, especially after major natural disasters.

Yasaka shrine, roughly 3km straight line distance from Seimei shrine, 5km on the road. I’ll take the manga at its word as the closest Ebisu shrine lol. That panel in the manga specifically would be the west gate, which lines up with the road they probably took (straight south and then east).

The main deity enshrined there is Susanoo-no-Mikoto, but there’s a bunch of shrines on the grounds dedicated to different gods, one of which is to Ebisu.

Specifically, it’s the “kitamuki-ebisu-sha”, or “north facing Ebisu shrine”. Because it… uh… (checks compass) faces north… I guess…? The interesting trivia about this is that Ebisu is written like “蛭子” instead of “恵比寿” (though it’s read as “ebisu” all the same)

蛭子 is more commonly read as “Hiruko”. (Anybody watch Summer Time Rendering here?)

Ebisu is thought to originate from the first child of Shinto creation myth big names Izanagi and Izanami, Hiruko, meaning “leech child” because he was born without bones, and was cast into the sea and floated ashore somewhere. In a popular version of the story, he washed ashore in Hokkaido, to be raised by an Ainu guy called Ebisu Saburou. (Or sometimes this guy is an Ainu deity? I cannot find a reliable primary source for this. This name comes up fairly frequently but I can’t pin it down.) I’ve also seen claims that “Saburou” is a generic name meaning “third child”, and since he is definitely the first child, that the “first two” are Izanagi and Izanami.

In any case, this would make him the older brother of Susanoo-no-Mikoto, who I’m not saying has any connection to any Mii-kuns we know of, but you know.

I got to the image limit, so the post gets split here.

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4

#youkai gakkou no sensei hajimemashita #a terrified teacher at ghoul school #yohaji #rambles #analysis

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scandalousfemale · 2 years

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Ch. 8 What's Love Got To Do With It?

Chinese!OC x Kelce

This wasn’t supposed to happen. Zombies were meant for apocalyptic movies and tv shows where one could binge watch for a day and return to their mundane life. But something happened, a lab test went wrong and suddenly the outbreak started. This story takes place exactly three weeks after zombies slowly started to take over the planet.

Series Masterlist

Word Count: 7,017

Warnings: Grief

A/N: Hey! Has it really been two years? Anyway, I'm so determined to finish this series (and revamp the character bios + the other chapters) and give it the ending that it deserves because I truly do love writing this. No, this is not the final chapter!! There are about five or six left. As always, tagging those from the previous taglist but if you'd like to be taken out, please let me know!! No hard feelings, I know it has been far too long.

In the six weeks that they’ve been together, Kaili had grown to trust and love the people around her but the very first moment that she was able to tell someone in the group that she had loved them, she had been apologizing for loving him. Now, it was like she had taken ten steps back from the progress she had made with them. If you had asked her yesterday if she loved the people around her, she would’ve said yes. Today? Waking up in the cold, and empty bus, she’d be too afraid to even acknowledge that she cared for them because when she did, bad things happen. Just like Wei and just like Rafe. Maybe she was also too scared to admit that death hurts a lot worse when there’s love involved.

The afternoon sun shone through her window with audacity as if the universe hadn’t taken a friend from her the day before. If she had the energy, she’d curse the planet for making this her timeline, for putting her friends through this when they had deserved so much more. She deserved so much more. Numbingly, she set each foot onto the floor of the bus before she routinely stuck her blades back into the straps on her legs. Only two blades were saved in the wreckage of yesterday and she wasn’t ready to see the damage that their inventory had taken. Especially all the winter clothes that they’ve worked so hard to get. She knew that there was no way that anyone was able to get any of their supplies out after the ambush but she had hoped that some of their weapons or maybe food had been saved.

After she had prepared herself the best that she could to face everyone, she slid the door open and almost fell over Wheezie. The girl had been sitting in front of the door with her legs propped on the wall of the other side, completely blocking the older girl in. Her face was blotchy like she had just found a moment where she stopped crying.

“Hey,” Wheezie rasped, her voice carrying a little surprise.

“Hey yourself,” Kaili said softly, dropping herself down to the younger girl’s level and sitting with her legs crisscrossed beside her, “what’s this?”

“Everyone had left to go explore the mall that Topper parked across from. Well, next to now, he moved the bus while you were sleeping. We kind of lost everything yesterday so they’re trying to scope things out and see if there’s anything left in there that we can take.”

“That’s smart of them.” Kaili offered and then placed a hand on top of Wheezie’s palm that had been clenched on her own lap. “But why are you blocking my doorway?”

“I was afraid that you’d find an empty bus and thought that everyone hated you for what happened and maybe you’d leave us. No one hates you, by the way. We all know what happened, it’s just easier for certain people to place the blame on you than to face the truth that we couldn’t–” the younger girl choked on her words as she practically lunged herself forward and onto Kaili’s lap. “I love him,” Wheezie sobbed, “do you think he knew? I know I was terrible yesterday but I didn’t mean to be.”

Kaili held onto the younger girl tighter as she ran her hand up and down her back. “He knows, of course he knows. He loved you all so much and he knew that you loved him that even at the end, he wasn’t thinking about himself. He was thinking about all of you.”

“It hurts,” she wailed and Kaili couldn’t say anything back through her own tears because, yes, it did hurt. The pain seared through her vessels and it was all that she could feel.

After what felt like hours and seconds all the same, Wheezie finally caught her breath and wiped at her face, “he loved you, too, you know? Even if he never said it to you. He cared.”

Kaili didn’t give the girl a reassuring smile, nor did she even nod her head, even if she knew. All she could see in her mind was her gripping onto Rafe’s warm body and apologizing to him that she loves him so much and how she prayed. A prayer that was ignored and mocked. No, Kaili doesn't think she’d ever pray again.

“There you girls are,” Kiara popped her head through the bus’ door, startling the other two girls. “It’s empty, so far, and Topper is convinced that he can get the stove to work so all the half frozen food can be cooked. There’s also a hunting and camping store in here and a small drug store. It’s not like a pharmacy but as good as any, I guess. Come on, let’s restock.” she motioned for the girls to follow her and they did. Kaili took a quick moment to wipe her eyes once more before following Kiara and, unsurprisingly, Pope, into the mall.

The entrance that they had led her into was part of the camping store which was perfect because she had gone and switched out her blades for sharper and newer ones. She was also able to change out her thigh harness into something more sturdy and made to hold blades so that she wouldn’t be cutting up her leg as she pulled the knives out anymore. They even sold boots that Kaili did not waste any time sticking them into shopping bags along with more knives and bullets and weapons that the others could use, too. Kiara and Pope had gone around with Wheezie also picking up their own items, ranging from clothes, mosquito spray, fire starters, and a tent. By the time that they had gone to the pharmacy and another store that Wheezie begged to go into for new clothes and finally made their way to the food court to meet up with the rest of the group, they had looked like they had gone on a shopping spree– which honestly, they had.

“Holy shit, what did you guys do? Rob the place?” JJ said as he jumped over the counter of the fast food place that Topper had apparently been trying to fry some food at and from the smell of it, he was succeeding.

“Obviously we robbed the place,” Pope said, matter of factly, “it’s not like we had anyone that would take our money even if we had any.”

“You got anything for the rest of us?” JJ asked but without waiting for an answer, he started rummaging through the bags that Kie and Pope had left on the table.

“Yeah, I got some clothes for you and weapons and shoes. I want to make sure that we’re fully stocked and prepared this time.” Kie mentioned and Kaili couldn’t have agreed more. She had picked up some sports explorer hiking bags to make sure that if they ever had to do the trek on foot, they’d be prepared to carry their own weight.

While John B and Sarah came over to the table and Wheezie started showing everything that she had picked up, mostly for herself, for the rest of the group, too, Kaili averted her eyes to the door leading towards the kitchen in the back of the counter. Kelce had been bringing out piles of fries and meat that Kaili wondered if they were even any good anymore or if they had stayed frozen for however long that the electricity had been cut out of the area. Watching Kelce, she couldn’t help but feel a little anger. He had left her to wake up alone and though she understood that maybe he wanted this time to himself to spend with his friend whom he grew up with to mourn their best friend, she needed him, too. It amazed her how adamant he was for her to communicate her feelings with him but now that it was his turn, he hadn’t. He could have easily woken her up and told her that he needed space and time but he pulled a disappearing act and she hated that.

This is why she was so hesitant those couple of weeks to give in to him and now that she had, now that she admitted that she liked him, here he was, carrying trays of food like they weren’t the last two people who got to spend time with Rafe. As if Rafe hadn’t asked Kelce first to do the unthinkable and Kelce was more than ready to die with his friend, making Kaili be the one to pull him out of the situation.

Thinking about it made her not want to even look at him. So, when everyone had set their things on the floor and pushed two tables together to start eating, she sat on the furthest seat away from him and avoided looking over at him the whole time. Not like it mattered because even the times where her eyes automatically found him, he wasn’t looking at her.

“I also got clothes and if I roll them into tiny pieces we can fit–” Wheezie was cut off mid sentence by Sarah slamming her hands down on the table.

“We’re not going anywhere so you don’t even need that.” Sarah declared. Slowly, one by one, they stopped eating and turned to look at the girl.

“What does that mean?” Wheezie inquired, her brows furrowing at her older sister.

“It means that we are staying at this mall until help arrives. That guy at the camp said that the military went to Georgia, that means that they’ll be making their way through all the states and someone will come and save us soon enough,” Sarah said without looking up from her plate.

Kaili understood where the blonde was coming from and though it was not ideal to disagree with her, she couldn’t help it. “We can’t be the only ones left here. What if someone comes here before the military and it is just as tempting for them to stay? Are you going to allow them to share the space with you? If you do, what’s to say that they’re not a big group and they decide that they don’t want to share their food with you? It’s not a safe bet to stay here, Sarah, we need to keep moving.”

“No, actually, we don’t. We have food here that can last us for weeks without us having to keep running into the supermarket that honestly, no one wants to do anyway. We have clothes to change into even if we have no showers. We have actual bathrooms here that may or may not flush, I don’t know. I haven’t tried it. But the most important part? There are metal gates here that we can just pull from the ceiling and no one can get in or out.”

“Yes, and all of that sounds great but what happens when someone else arrives?” Kaili pushed, “we have to keep moving. Rafe said we’re moving west and we’re going west.”

“And then what?” Sarah was yelling now, her eyes glistening with tears, “more of us are going to die because that’s all that there is out there, death! I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep jumping around and taking the risk. Here it is safe, I’m staying.” She looked at her little sister and then to John B, “we’re staying.”

“Staying in here is a risk, too, Sarah. Please, you can’t guarantee that death won’t find you in here and it is a reckless promise if that’s your reason to stay.” Kaili said, her shaking hands betraying her calm voice.

“No, Li. Think about what you’re asking me to do. What else could be wanted but what we have right here? If you’re scared of things and people getting in then we can board up the windows and the doors. Or maybe we don’t and we welcome new people in with open arms but at this point, there is food here. We have weapons in the camping gear store. This is it.”

The tone in Sarah’s voice made it clear that this was her final choice and no one could change her mind. Kaili’s eyes traveled from person to person at the table, waiting to see if anyone would jump in to tell Sarah that she was out of her mind but it seemed like everyone else was processing the idea themselves. Her gaze landed on Kelce who held her panicking eyes for a moment. He watched her from across the table as her breathing picked up before inclining his head towards her, ever so slightly that unless someone else had been watching his movements, they would’ve missed it.

“She’s right,” Kelce spoke up, Sarah’s face beaming before he continued, “Kaili’s right. We need to take what we need and keep moving. We’re sitting ducks right here.”

“Come on, man,” John B interjected, shaking his head and standing up, “the bus will run out of water very soon and what happens when you can’t find gas anymore? What will we do then? Sarah’s tired of running and quite frankly, so am I. I’ve just finished healing from being impaled by a fence and I haven’t practiced fighting the way that all of you had, I’ll be a liability out there if we keep moving. Even if we follow Rafe’s plan and go west, what will we do then? Where do we stop?”

“I vote here,” Sarah touched his hand and stood up with him. She looked over at her sister, who looked over at Kaili. Kaili was pleading with the young girl through her eyes, hoping that she wouldn’t stay with her sister even if that’s her blood. She was hoping that she would have a fighting chance, after all, that’s what Rafe died for. But she wouldn’t dare say it out loud and she wouldn’t voice her want for Wheezie to leave her family either. She knew how important family was during hard times and this was one of the hardest times they would ever experience.

“Kie, Pope, JJ?” John B looked to his friends and Kaili had held her breath. “Come on.”

“John B,” Kiara looked at him with sad eyes before shaking her head, “I can’t. I can’t stay here, I’m sorry.” and so the pack was divided because wherever Kiara went, so did Pope, and wherever Pope went, so did JJ.

Goodbyes were hard and they never got easier but at least knowing that people were leaving willingly and doing what they thought was best for them was something that Kaili could accept. As the group gathered around by the door of a department store, still standing next to the food court because they didn’t want to have the goodbye outside, Sarah had come up to Kaili first.

“I’m sorry for how I acted yesterday,” Sarah began but Kaili wouldn’t even let her finish. She had wrapped her arms around the girl.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t save him,” Kaili whispered into the blonde hair as Sarah hugged her back, tears wet her shoulder before going off to hug Kiara next.

“I’m not sure I ever personally thanked you for saving my life,” John B had been next to walk up to Kaili and she had to smile at that.

“It’s no big deal,” Kaili shrugged with a small smile, “make sure not to get into any more life threatening situations though, will you? You got people to look after.” she motioned to Wheezie who was being squeezed to death by JJ.

“Will do. But seriously, I don’t take that shit for granted, thank you.” John B squeezed her shoulder once before being engulfed by his friends.

Lastly, Kaili came over to Wheezie and the girl barely even looked at her before she barrelled into the older girl, hugging her so tight that Kaili was sure that she was going to break her ribs and though goodbyes were hard, this was the one that brought tears to her eyes. She had so much to say, so many more things to tell Wheezie and she couldn’t find all the words. So, she just hugged the girl back just as tight.

“I love you so much, Wheezie.”

“I love you, Li. I’ll never forget you.”

The remainders had loaded the bus with necessities, including sleeping bags and tents for when they’d had to ditch the bus because they knew that what John B said was right. They hadn’t spoken much between themselves, all knowing that the bus will run its course one day and they’d have to face the facts that it might very well be before they reach their destination. It also worried them that the air was getting colder as they were reaching winter.

“What if John B was right?” Pope suddenly spoke up, two nights into their trip. “Where are we even going? We have a map and a bus that can barely fit in the middle of the roads as they get smaller. We’re so ahead of ourselves, what if we should have stayed and we’re just driving until we can’t and then we die?”

“We’re not going to die,” Kiara said, annoyance laced her voice but Kaili had grown to know the girl enough to know that that annoyance wasn’t genuine.

“How do you know? Rafe did!” Pope exclaimed, earning a wince from Kaili who sat on the passenger seat with a map in her hands.

“Thanks for the reminder, as if we aren’t reminded every second of the day. As if this group isn’t getting noticeably smaller and smaller.” Topper’s voice was small as he yelled that response from the main bedroom. It barely traveled to the front of the bus.

“Listen, we’ll just keep heading west. There we can maybe break into some houses in LA and the coast and you know, rich people have fancy houseboats and panic rooms. They probably stocked up on a couple of things before this epidemic…here’s to hoping some of them didn’t make it,” JJ intervened in the conversation.

“Classy, JJ. Hoping that people have died.” Pope scoffed at his friend. “Then what are we going to do? Take the boat to another country? What if there are zombies there, too?”

“I don’t know, okay! I’m just trying my best. Everyone is stressed out and it’s stressing me the fuck out.” JJ ran his fingers through his hair that had now grown past his shoulders. Kaili had her body turned towards the conversation once Topper had gotten involved and she watched as the blonde looked at each of his friends as they avoided his gaze. They’ve been avoiding each other since they’d left John B at that mall. JJ released a long exhale before he shook his head and walked back to climb into his bunk, dramatically drawing the curtain closed.

“We can’t afford this,” Kelce said, almost to himself, as he drove. Impressing Kaili by memorizing street names and highway signs that she had mentioned to him about an hour ago when he and Topper exchanged positions.

“They’re children.” Kaili reminded him, “Children who’ve been traumatized over and over again and put through high stress situations. They’re allowed to be scared and disagree and question things.”

“Now’s not the time for questioning and second guessing if the decision they made is a good one. We cannot afford hesitation.” Kelce whispered, not taking his eyes off the road as the girl beside him stared at his profile.

She understood what he meant, of course she did, she just couldn’t believe that he didn’t understand where the younger kids were coming from. Everyone had been separated from their families and now this family that they’ve built with each other was slowly falling apart through death or decisions. Of course, there will be second guessing where they’re going.

“What we can afford is understanding,” Kaili said, anger bubbling inside of her. “Uncertainty is something that we can all relate to.”

“You weren’t uncertain when you shot Rafe,” Kelce spat the words out but immediately recoiled.

Kaili slowly raised her eyebrows at the man beside her, folding up her map. “Were you not uncertain when he asked you to kill him first? And was I not understanding enough to listen to you talk about dying with him before you came to your senses?” Her words were clipped as she unbuckled herself and removed herself from the passenger seat.

“Fuck, hold on. Wait, I didn’t mean it.” Kelce kept looking back and forth between her and the road, “I’m sorry, I didn’t,” he tried but she tuned him out as she walked to the center of the bus, handing the map to Kiera. “Make sure he stays on the i40, will you?”

“Kaili!” Kelce tried again from the driver’s seat but she didn’t look back as she climbed into her own bunk, wishing for sleep to wash over her so she could get away from her reality.

Kaili woke up with the image of her covered in blood after killing all of her friends still in her mind. She decided that she hated sleeping even more than she hated her reality. Pushing the curtain to the side, she was desperate for air, desperate for any sort of comfort that this wasn’t how her life was going to end. Alone because her friends had turned into flesh eating monsters. Stepping out of her bunk, she noticed that the door was open. Kelce must have parked the bus somewhere for the night so that he could get some rest and they must have decided to cook something. She was a little disappointed that no one had woken her up but sleep was hard to come by and they must’ve realized that.

Taking a few steps to the open door, she saw the flicker of the fire that someone had going. There had to be someone out there because there was no way that someone had started a fire and left the door to the bus open, leaving them all vulnerable. As she took a step down from the bus, she saw a young boy’s silhouette, his hair messy and sticking out on all sides.

“Hey, Jay,” she tried not to startle the boy as she spoke softly. He held a stick with a knife taped around the end of it, making the weapon a spear, across his lap as he stared into the fire.

“Hey, Li,” he replied. It took him a couple of breaths before he tore his eyes away from the fire to look at her. The sadness in his eyes made her want to rush over to him and hug him but she didn’t. She slowly walked over to him and sat on the ground next to JJ.

“What’s up?” Kaili asked, a small smile laced her lips. It felt weird asking such a normal question.

“You know, the usual. Surviving a zombie apocalypse, you?” JJ was quick with his comeback, he always was.

She couldn’t help but let out a small laugh, “yeah? Same but I feel like saying this is ‘surviving’ is a stretch.”

JJ sighed, “to be honest, me, too. I feel like we’re all starting to hate each other and I don’t think I can do it if we do end up hating each other. I mean, I’m pretty sure John B hates me for leaving him.”

Kaili watched JJ as his shoulders slumped forward, his body almost curling into itself. “He doesn’t hate you. John B made a choice and you made yours.”

“Yeah, but now he’s stuck there with Sarah and Wheezie and we both know Wheezie can’t fight for shit. If he needs help, he practically has no one.” JJ said concern in his voice and though Kaili wanted to defend Wheezie, she knew that he was right. Her heart did clench when he spoke about the girl though, she missed her a lot.

“Hey, Sarah can hold her own. I’ve seen her fight. And remember, he had a choice to come with you, too. He could’ve changed his mind at any moment but he didn’t because he knew that you two had different paths. There’s no way he’s upset with you.”

“I guess. I just feel like I’m the only one in this group that feels bad about leaving the other, you know? Maybe John B understands and doesn’t feel bad because he chose to stay because Sarah chose to stay and he’s with her and Pope chose to leave because Kie chose to leave and he’s with her and where does that leave me? Outside, thinking about how it seems so easy for everyone to leave me and so hard for me to leave everyone.”

Kaili let his words sink in and she does see it through his eyes, maybe he was even right. His friends weren't really thinking about him when they chose if they wanted to stay or go because it was their partners who decided. She didn’t know what to say and how to comfort him so she stayed silent, reaching her hand out to touch his arm.

JJ looked at her hand on his arm before reaching his hand over and covering hers with his, “maybe I also followed Pope because I think he needs me more than John B does even if I wanted to stay with John B. I don’t know. My head is jumbled and I don’t know what I’m saying. It’s late and the bus broke down and everything sucks.”

“I understand,” Kaili started, leaning her head onto his shoulder before jolting back up in a sitting position, “excuse me, the bus did what?”

“Oh yeah,” JJ motioned back to the supposed hunk of junk behind them, “it started making this noise on the interstate like an hour ago and Kelce was able to drive it to an exit and into this weird woods area. It’s not completely broken down as in like it turned off on us but I think the old girl has run her course.”

Kaili knew that it was coming so she didn’t know why she was so upset that it happened so soon. Only two days after John B had called it, maybe he cursed it. She felt herself not able to breathe thinking about how they had to take the route by foot and if they’d make it. Maybe they’ll be able to fix the bus or even take another car. She doesn’t know how to hijack a car but maybe she could try. Was it Topper, they said that stole the bus? She couldn’t remember, it was so long ago. When she came to, she felt pressure on both sides of her face, her vision clearing as JJ’s face came into view.

“Breathe,” he said slowly, mimicking labor breathing exercises. “There, you go. Keep breathing.”

She blinked away her panic and tried to shake his hands off the side of her face but JJ didn’t allow her.

“You’re with three pogues, here. We grew up fixing cars, stealing them, and camping. You’re going to be okay.” and though those words should’ve made her feel worse, it did calm her down. She was supposed to be surrounded by people who knew their way around machinery and the outdoors, she was supposed to be fine.

Morning arrived and they were most definitely not fine. Turns out that when she had gone back to try and sleep, the commotion she heard outside in the morning was the boys fighting over the look of the engine as they took it apart to see what was wrong and in the midst of doing that, they lost a piece. Which then, in turn, made them actually fight each other.

Kaili ran out to the sound of Kiara shouting. She had thought that they were being overrun by zombies but no, all she saw was Kelce and JJ throwing punches and Topper having Pope up against the bus as he pulled his arm back to throw another punch. Kiera hopped up on Topper’s back, wrapping her arms around his neck so that it would restrict his airflow and that he had to concentrate on getting her off instead of punching Pope. Kaili ran over to Kelce and JJ, jumping directly between the boys, making her flush her chest against Kelce and her back against JJ.

“Stop it!” The girl hissed, staring Kelce right in his face. “You want to talk about things we cannot afford? A fight this loud in the woods when a zombie can pop up at any moment and end this fight for you is one of those things.”

“This idiot here lost the piece on purpose!” Kelce growled but lowered his voice.

“That makes no sense, why would I even do that?” JJ on the other hand, did not. He tried to nudge Kaili to the side to attempt to take another hit at Kelce but Kaili gripped onto the front of Kelce to prevent her from moving.

“Stop!” Her whisper yelling surprisingly caught the attention of the other fight happening next to them. Kiara finally got off of Topper whose face was bleeding and neck had scratches on it. “Are you guys crazy? Why would anyone lose a vital piece on purpose when this bus is our only source of transportation? Come on, think about it.”

“Oh, I’ve had a lot of time to think about it,” Kelce chuckled darkly, taking a step forward, pushing Kaili further into JJ’s chest, “I’ve thought about it all last night. Wondering why on earth would he misplace anything this morning when he can have more nights outside of the bus with you all over him. Trust me, I’ve thought about it.”

“Seems like you’ve been fantasizing to me, buddy,” JJ said behind a dumbfounded Kaili.

She had deduced that Kelce probably saw her and JJ last night by the fire but she hadn’t done anything with JJ. There wasn’t even a tiny speck of a romantic spark between the two.

“Me…all over JJ?” Kaili had to wrap her head around what he was saying.

“I know what I saw.”

“I don't think you do because what you saw was two friends having a conversation,” Kaili insisted.

Kelce didn’t say anything as he took a step back and crossed his arms in front of his chest, staring down at Kaili.

“Let’s get back on the bus before whatever you guys had attracted with all the screaming finally comes our way,” Kaili huffed, pushing past Kelce.

When Kaili had climbed onto the bus, followed by the rest of her friends, she made her way to the back bedroom. She needed space right now to think about what they were going to do next. Of course, space was not something she was granted when Kelce slowly came into the bedroom and shut the door behind him.

“So, you’re fucking JJ now?” Kelce asked her as if he had wanted to know her favorite color. His eyes studied her movements and she hated when he did that.

“No, I’m not. You’d know that if you had just asked.”

“Didn’t look like I needed to ask when he was holding your face like you two had just kissed.” Kelce spat the words like they were foul in his mouth.

“I’m not going to apologize for how it /looked/ like, Kelce. How you interpret my friendship with other people is not my responsibility.”

“Of course it isn’t. I guess I’m just making shit up in my mind then, huh?” He pressed but his tone came out a bit different. It sounded a little less angry and a little more something that Kaili couldn’t place.

“What are you talking about?”

“I’ve asked you once before, I’m going to ask you again. Do you like him?”

Annoyed, Kaili glared at Kelce before parroting his words, “I’ve told you once before and I’ll tell you again, I like everyone here.”

“No, you don’t get to do that. You were really close to him at the house and now you were really up close and personal with him last night.”

“Guess who else I was really up close and personal with at the house, Kelce? You! You seem to forget, I’ve fucked you.” Kaili reminded him and for some reason, he had winced at her tone.

“Don’t play dumb, Kaili. Stupid doesn’t look good on you.”

“What do you mean? Come on, use your words, Kelce, since you’re so good at it.” Kaili pressed but her hands were shaking. She had clasped them behind her back to hide it from the man in front of her. “Do I want to date him? The answer is no.” She spoke before he could answer her question. She didn’t think that Kelce needed reassurance that she still liked him or wanted to be with him. Things were so hot and heavy back at that house but after Rafe, they had been a bit distant with each other and she knew why. He was grieving and so was she, they needed space. Maybe they still do but he had no right to talk to her the way he did just because he thought that she had moved on with someone else.

“You love me?” Kelce asked, his eyes piercing hers.

“Are you listening to yourself? How are you going to ask if I fucked JJ and then ask if I love you in the same conversation. You move through thoughts so fluid while I’m getting whiplash in this river rapids ride. You make everything so black and white, things are not that simple.” Kaili had replied, sitting down on the bed with a sigh. She put her face in her hands.

“We’re in the middle of an apocalypse, Kaili, love might just be the simplest thing right now,” Kelce let out a humorless laugh before leaning on the wall across from her. He had crossed his arms in front of his chest, the muscles that he had, protruding through his shirt sleeve.

“What does love have to do with this?” She questioned, exasperated, running her hands down her face and then looking at him in his eyes.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean us. You wouldn’t touch me until I admitted that I like you and now you won’t trust me until I say I love you?”

“I never said I don’t trust you and I know we’re not exclusive so I don’t feel like I’ve been cheated if you had slept with someone else. It just seems like every time I turn around, you’re getting closer to JJ. It would be different if you were like that with everyone and every guy but you’re not. Don’t lie to me, Kaili, you’re not like that with everyone.”

“Oh my God, Kelce.” Kaili’s shoulders dropped as she shook her head, “he’s my friend. I’m closer to him than I am to anyone else because he and I have no one else. No, let me finish,” she cut him off as he opened his mouth to say something, “you had Rafe and Topper. John B had Sarah, Kiera had Pope. That left Wheezie, JJ, and I on the outs. Yes, we have a connection and we like each other, you and I. There’s an obvious attraction between us and we talk but I did get close with Wheezie and JJ, too. So, now with everyone that’s gone, you still have Topper and Pope still has Kiera. JJ’s all by himself and yeah, that’s my friend, so I’m going to talk to him and I’m going to be close to him. I’m not going to apologize for finding a platonic connection with someone.”

Kelce stared at Kaili for what seems like eternity before he pushed himself off the wall and move to kneel in between her legs. He had slowly brought his hand up to her face and she leaned her cheek into his palm, “I’m sorry. It’s been a stressful week to say the least. I just– if you had seen me do this with a girl out there. Would you feel something?”

“Would I feel jealous? Yes, knowing full well we’re not exclusive, I’d actually be pretty pissed off if I found out you were with another girl. Though I’d also take into account that you’re mourning, we’re all grieving and some people need to be comforted. Bottom line, I’d ask you first before causing a scene.”

His thumb stroked her cheek bone as he wrapped his other arm around her waist to pull her flush against him, “You told me that I'd be using you as a distraction and that caring was a distraction. After everything that happened with Rafe and then losing his sisters right after, I feel so much for you that no matter how you feel for me, if everyone’s life was on the line right now, I’d choose you. I know that I’ve been distant and I’ve been processing and I’ve been mean but that’s how much I feel for you and maybe I don’t know exactly what love is because my whole life my parents threw money at me and even in a fucking apocalypse, my little sister chose her friends over me, but when I look at you I know that I want to protect you. I want to be with you and call you mine and okay, I lied, I’d go insane if you told me that you slept with JJ. Even though now I know better and I promise to never accuse you two of being anything other than friends again…even if I don’t like how he was touching you last night. It wasn’t him that I was angry at. I’ve been so in my head that I’ve gone the extra step without letting you know.”

And Kaili would be damned if she didn’t admit that she did love Kelce at this moment. She loved them all, sure, but when it comes to who she’d save if it was up to her, yeah, she’d choose him, too. She’d choose him every time.

“You’re dumb,” Kaili said with a smile, tears stinging her eyes.

“I’m dumb?”

“Yes, you make me angry and then you make me absolutely melt for you.”

Kelce did chuckle at that and the smile lingered on his lips as she pulled on the collar of his shirt to press her lips against his.

“I do promise you though, the minute you accuse me of being with someone else without asking me in private first, we’re done.”

“Understood. You’re mine, no one else’s.”

“Hold on, I never agre–” but Kaili was interrupted by a kiss so deep she didn’t remember what she was going to say. She didn't mind Kelce laying claim, though she thought that they had already been a thing since they had slept together back at the house. Since Kelce didn’t want to touch her unless she had agreed to seeing something more with him than just a lay. She knew that they’d always be more than just a lay though but that’s what scared her the first time. She knew that the minute she admitted that she was in love with Kelce Smith, she’d be done for.

Kaili adjusted her backpack, the straps digging into her shoulders. She angrily watched her step as she kept her brows furrowed at the ground. She hated camping and worst of all, she hated being scared. Now, walking through the woods in the middle of an apocalypse was a promise of both.

“Guys, you’re gonna wanna see this!” she heard Topper call from ahead of her. She looked behind her to Kelce, who insisted that she had to be ahead of her so that he can see if anything’s coming to attack her but also insisted on complaining about how slow she was walking. He had motioned her to keep following Topper’s voice, even coming up behind her to press his hands against her back pack and gave her a little push so that she could move a bit faster which pissed her off. When they finally caught up with Topper and JJ, the group stood there in awe. There was a big wooden gate in front of them and a wooden fence that rounded off to the side.

“What do you think is in there?” Kiara asked softly.

“How many of you are there?” A voice boomed from up top of the gate. Kaili whipped her head around to make sure that the voice wasn’t attracting more than just their attention.

“Six!” Topper responded almost immediately, receiving a smack in the head by JJ.

“You have no idea what their business is, why would you say that?” JJ questioned the older boy, wary of the sudden company.

“Are any of you injured or bitten?” The voice bellowed again.

This time it was Kelce who had responded, denying that any of them were hurt. JJ looked like he was about to lose his mind if one more person interacted with this being but before he could say another word, the gates slowly began opening. There, behind the doors, appeared a woman who was beckoning the group to come into what she called, the community. Topper was the first to lead followed by Pope and Kiera, who dragged JJ in with them. Kaili wasn’t far behind with Kelce at her back. Kaili couldn’t believe her eyes once they were finally inside. The gates had closed behind them but Kaili barely even noticed. Surrounding them were small cars and medium-sized RVs, people laying on blankets on the ground, others gardening, and there were children running around chasing each other. Laughter and conversation filled the air as people around them greeted them and talked amongst themselves. It was a community and they were surrounded by the true definition of life for the first time in a while.

Taglist: @downbytheouterbanks @annab-nana @anxietyandtacos @jellyfishbeansontoast @jiaraendgame @lowkeynopressure @thegreatestofheck @tomfreakinghollandneedsaoscar @phuvioqhile

#liab #kelce fic #outer banks zombie fic

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cometchasr · 8 months

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but why do strata malls feel so alive

its not because they're strate malls. well, it is. but it's more than that.

it's because it's full of small businesses. there are no corporations in beauty world, or queensway shopping centre, or golden mile complex (before it closed... sob). it's where all the weird little shops are. and it's beautiful.

your chinese medicine stores, the place where you print stuff, sorts equipment, the whole place just screams. old. because it is. because its where everything that got kicked out when modernity and capitalism came stays. its where it all dies as no one wants to work in these jobs because they're too low paying.

#mine #singapore #this is something i hold close

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ecoamerica · 1 month

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youtube

Watch the 2024 American Climate Leadership Awards for High School Students now: https://youtu.be/5C-bb9PoRLc

The recording is now available on ecoAmerica's YouTube channel for viewers to be inspired by student climate leaders! Join Aishah-Nyeta Brown & Jerome Foster II and be inspired by student climate leaders as we recognize the High School Student finalists. Watch now to find out which student received the $25,000 grand prize and top recognition!

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imbasic-oppossum · 1 year

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The seat of the car was cool

against my skin, almost burning. Outside, people were laughing, screaming, blasting horrible music. Lights flickered against the window pane. I stared listlessly outside, watching shapes tumble past, kids stumbling home drunk as a skunk. My fingers traced lines against the icy window. I could feel the vodka and ecstasy mingling in my blood, turning my into a buzzing glowing creature.

The door opened behind me. Thump. The door shut, and I turned. Oh. Him. Yay. His horrible black wavey hair that hung below his ears. His eyes bugged out and practically melted into fudge. Horrible. His skin was pasty white and lumpy with acne. I hated his face.

"Go away please," my voice flowed out shrill and pathetic.

I swatted at his arm, wanting him gone, and instead I slumped a little, leaning onto his arm. I didn't pull away, I narrowed my eyes at him. He was blinking slowly and calmly. His mouth turned down at the edges and he looked so much like a sad puppy that a giggle bubbled from my throat. He rubbed his eyes, his arm prying out from under me.

"Why are you always mad at me?" He asked, his words squeaky and tearful.

I smiled a little, blinking slowly. Frankly, I wasn't mad at him. But I was always under my own skin.

"Because you're just the most annoying guy I've ever met," I covered my mouth, smothering another giggle.

He nudged me with his shoulder and I slid closer against him. his smell was comfortable, and I liked his gray sweatshirt. It felt cool against my cheek, and smelled like Tide laundry detergent and sawdust. My head fell against his shoulder, and I could feel him letting out a soft little sigh.

"I'm high," my voice broke in a sob, and I knew it was because of the drugs.

I could feel him shifting to look at me, could practically smell the concern. It was endearing in a way.

"Why would you do that?" He admonished, like a mother, so gently correcting my latest disobedience.

"B-because..." my words trailed away.

He was turning over, facing me now. He had to hold me up because I was slumping over like a doll.

"Why?" He was so insistent.

I tried to bat his hands away, but my own were so wobbly and distorted that they did no more harm than a kittens swat.

"What did you do?" He asked, and I had to look at his ugly eyes.

"The body," I blubbered. "I did that."

Had I said that? Oh well. There were better things to think of. I felt so much better! I smiled at him, and wondered why his face looked so silly.

"You means those pranks? The ones the crazy people saw?" He asked, his neck craning, his face trying to follow mine. I let out a nice dramatic sigh.

"Yes, because he said so, and I don't want to think about it." I tried twisting away but he really did need to lay off.

"Wait, who did?" I got the strength to shove his hands away.

He glared fiercely at me, those horrible melting eyes. I leaned against the door of the car, looking at him dizzily. He sighed, climbing out of the car, the gravel crunching humorously under his tennis shoes. The door slammed. Click. Oh, big scary man locking me in. I tugged at the door. Child lock. I felt queazy, and laid my head back. The ceiling swirled and dipped and I smiled to myself. I was so tired.

I didn't really feel the vomit, I just heaved it onto the floor of the car. The burn of alcohol and bad Chinese food twisted through the air and I must've passed out.

I was being moved around, gently, soft words telling me you're alright, I'm here now, we're gonna go home.

Idiot. He smelled nice and I buried my face in his neck. He was moving me, arms lifted, cold air, nice comforters. I tugged his shirt and I was pushed off.

I slept for hours and hours, drowning in everything Id ingested. Soon all memory of the body was gone.

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toxicboyfriend · 2 years

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this is an independent rp blog for shinya murakami, an unaffiliated serial killer OC. writer is 21+ and will not write with minors.

no rules, just don’t be an asshole and remember that there’s a line between fiction and reality. smut and shipping (m/m, m/f, m/nb, m/*) is fine, but please take note that there is something very wrong with shinya’s brain and relationships are most likely going to be unhealthy to some degree. he can love, sure, but his priorities aren’t all there. i also won’t write him bottoming.

mobile-friendly character information under the read more.

name: shinya murakami age: thirty-one goes by: he/him sexuality: demi work: university professor, biochem researcher origins: japan languages: japanese, french, english, mandarin chinese, korean vices: smoking, drinking

biography CW: MENTIONS OF ABUSE, SUICIDE, MURDER

When Shinya was eight years old, a banker had denied his father's small town factory a loan to support the manufacture of a product that was meant to bring them fame and fortune. In a month, his father's company went bankrupt, and along with the loss of his business came the loss of his family ties. The Murakami household became violent under his father's hand, and though time and again Shinya's mother tried to escape with him, they never succeeded. From a young age Shinya learned how to grit his teeth and bare it— his mother, meanwhile, had other plans.

To this day, Shinya isn't sure why he didn't just die with her when she left the gas going in their sealed home. But by the time the ambulance got there after he ran all the way to hospital, she was gone.

Shinya was left alone with his father from the age of ten onwards, and at nineteen his father told him to help kill the man that ruined their lives. They tracked that banker down, retired now over a decade later, with every intention of killing him in his own home. In the end, however, it was Shinya who stabbed the man over and over when his father froze in the middle of it, even if his father took responsibility to serve a life sentence in prison after.

Weeks before his 22nd birthday, Shinya's father killed himself in his cell, and then he was truly alone.

Shinya can't pinpoint what drives him to keep killing even after all the blood already shed in his life. For all intents and purposes, he's an upstanding citizen with a well-paying job helping the youth of the world grow and develop, and by most standards he's set for life. But the power he held over that banker at age nineteen had been addicting, and after being powerless for so long he imagines indulging is only to be expected. Still, in the end there isn't any deeper meaning to why Shinya kills: he likes making other people hurt, likes making them cry and sob and beg, and much as he knows it's wrong the fact that it's fun outweighs everything else.

Above all else, Shinya isn't sorry. And if he's caught one day, he won't be sorry then, either.

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mike-wachowski · 3 years

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so what was the deal with that offscreen supercorp phone call, huh?

AKA: how i think the Lena/Kara call with Lena breaking the news to kara that she's going to Ireland went

Kara knows it’s Lena calling before she even picks up her phone.

She has a different ringer set for Lena, you know. It’s nothing special, really, just a softer, slower Apple-provided tune than the chirpy, high-pitched ones she uses for the rest of her family. She had changed it right after she and Lena had made up, the real time, right before she had been... taken, before everything that happened after.

She never wanted to miss another call or text from Lena.

She had hoped she’d get to hear it more before the Phantom Zone.

She had almost forgotten she’d changed it, and when the plucky ukulele chords fill the dreary silence in Kara’s apartment, she jumps if only for the fact that it’s been so long without noise in her studio and in her head that it startles her more than excites her.

But then Kara recognizes the tune, and that silly, familiar feeling of warmth floods her chest when she realizes it's Lena calling her, and she only lets the ringtone play out for three and half more seconds before she scrambles for her phone and slides the little green arrow over to take the call.

“Lena!” She greets her friend (her friend, her friend, her friend again, her brain echoes joyfully). “What’s up? Everything okay?”

“Hi Kara,” Lena responds, voice soft and level, and it makes Kara’s heart thump just once out of time at the knowledge that Lena is smiling when she talks, because Kara can hear the upturn in her lips as she speaks. “I’m doing alright, evidently. How are you?”

Kara looks around at her empty apartment, the dim lights, the noise-cancelling headphones tossed haphazardly on her couch. “I’m okay.”

There's a quiet, nasally sigh from the other end of the line, and Kara can practically hear Lena evaluating a response to Kara’s blatant lie.

Secretly, Kara wishes Lena would call her out on it. Say I know you aren’t okay, to force honesty from Kara in a way they had never breached before Lena knew everything, because the truth is, if anyone else were to ask, to call her out on the bullshit she knows she's giving everyone, she’d probably tense up, hide it, run away. She would lie again, because lying was what was comfortable for Kara these days.

But if Lena were to ask… maybe Kara could stand having her know. Maybe if anyone were to see Kara right now, for the wreck she saw herself as, Lena would understand.

Kara waits for the end of the pause. She waits for Lena to say what she’s secretly begging to hear.

But it doesn’t come.

Lena does speak again, but what she actually says is:

“That’s good to hear, Kara. Listen, I need to talk to you about something.”

“Um,” Kara sucks in a breath, a little ragged, and hopes Lena doesn’t hear it through her receiver.. “What did you want to talk about?”

“Kara, seeing you with your father… seeing you reconnect with him... It's made me consider some things.”

“Okay…” Kara nods along, not really following. Is Lena going to try and get in touch with Lillian again?

“I think I’m going to-” Lena halts for one, two, three seconds, and in the clear silence Kara wonders what she’s thinking. When she continues, Kara doesn’t have to wonder much longer.

“I think I’m going to go back to Ireland. I want to try and reconnect with my mother, with my old home, in any way I can.”

Kara’s whole body tenses. She squeezes her phone with a trembling hand so clenched she hears the quiet crack of her screen, and sucks in tight, panicked breath.

“I’m so sorry, Kara. I know you just returned, and I don’t want you to think I'm avoiding you- in fact, if you need me to stay, please tell me and I’ll turn around right now-”

At that, Kara refocuses. She would never let Lena abandon her dream for her. Hasn’t Kara held her back, hurt her enough already? Doesn’t Lena deserve to find her happiness, even if it means flying all the way across the world from her?

“No, Lena, no.” Kara steadies her voice, surprised herself at the clarity and force behind her hollow words. “If you need to go to Ireland, if you need to reconnect with your mom, I completely understand. I’ll always support you… you know that.”

Lena pauses again, like she’s weighing the truthfulness of Kara’s words against the heart she knows so well.

“But what about what you need, Kara?”

Kara sighs. I need you, Lena, I need you, she wants to scream. But that would be selfish. And Kara has been selfish enough in their time.

“I just need some potstickers and a good nap, I think.” She says in her cheeriest, most playful Kara Danvers tone she can muster, and pointedly ignores the tears beginning to slowly flow down her cheeks.

“Okay,” Lena mutters, and then louder, more reassuring: “Okay. Okay. I’ll keep in touch, Kara, I promise.”

“Right,” Kara nods, because it’s all she can do, really. “Um- how long- how long do you think you’ll be gone for?”

Lena sighs, and Kara already knows the answer to her question, and she hates it. “I’m not sure, Kara. I don’t really know what I’m looking for.”

“Okay- that’s okay! Take as much time as you need!” She presses one palm to her left eye, hoping to maybe stifle the tears or ground herself in the pressure of her touch. “Just, um. Don’t be a stranger.”

“I won’t,” Lena quickly assures her, rushing her next words. “I’ll call, and I'll text you as much as I can, and the rest of the friends too, and if you ever need my help I can remotely operate parts of the tower from my laptop...” Lena trails off. Their paused silence hangs over the phone call, the awkward trepidation from both sides apparent when they both realize the end of the conversation is coming.

“I’ll miss you.” Lena finally breaches through, sounding slightly choked up herself, but Kara ignores it for the sake of her own heart and mind.

“I-” I love you. I love you. I love you. “I’ll miss you too.”

Another period of silence lapses, and Kara wipes the last of the tears she’s now managed to quell on her sweater sleeve.

“Well, I suppose I should let you go.” Lena whispers. Kara doesn’t want to let her go, because the panicked, irrational side of her is screaming that this could be the last time she hears from Lena, and she can’t even see her. But she remembers what selfishly holding onto Lena had done to their relationship before, and maybe this is why Lena’s leaving. Maybe Lena needs to know Kara can let her go.

So Kara does the worst thing. She makes the hard decision.

Kara says goodbye.

“Yeah,” She says, shaking out all the voices in her head screaming for Lena to stay. She wants to backtrack, to say what she really needs right now is for Lena to come over right now and hold her tight so she can dissolve and know she’s still safe. She remembers a similar position, once, but the roles had been reversed, then; Kara used to be the one holding Lena through her those moments she felt like she was slipping through. But even those moments are marred now, disfigured by the lens of all the lying Kara had been putting Lena through.. Lena must feel it too.

So Kara says goodbye, if not to ask anything more from Lena than her forgiveness.

“Bye, Lena,” Kara's eyes are clenched closed. “I’ll see you when you get back.”

“I’ll see you soon, Kara,” Lena says, sounding sincere enough for Kara to almost believe it. “Goodbye.”

And then the line goes silent.

Kara puts her phone screen down on her coffee table. She doesn’t have the energy right now to look for the cracks in her screen she heard earlier-doesn’t think her heart can stand seeing the physical manifestation of her loss.

So she coughs out a weak sob- lets herself break for just a minute- and then grabs her phone, eyes still closed, and calls up the one person who’s number she can always navigate to even with her eyes closed.

“Hey Alex?” Her sister picks up after one ring. “Can we have a sister night? I don't think I- I can be alone right now.”

And when Alex comes over half an hour later, wine and Chinese in tow, Kara tries not to think about how badly she wishes it were Lena holding her at the edge of the couch as she falls apart.

#supercorp #supergirl #kara danvers #lena luthor #supergirl spoilers #supercorp fic #mike writes #okay but like why was the phone call with kara and lena offscreen. huh? HUH?

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imthebadguyyy · 3 years

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Loved your first fic of Lewis!💛

Can you make one where Lewis Hamilton and Y/N have a fight and have been living separately and then Lewis comes to meet Y/N one evening and makes an excuse that his toothbrush is with Y/N? And then Lewis confronts Y/N that he knows Y/N still love him but won't admit?

* I know this is a very specific prompt. Bare with me. I just wanted more Angst/ Fluff with Longing for each other and Deep feelings and keep it Non-explicit. *

A/N - I'm so glad you liked the fic 😊

We're Meant To Be

Pairing - Lewis Hamilton x Reader (female)

Fandom - F1

Summary - After a messy fight, you don't know where your relationship stands. But when love is that strong, an argument can't stand in the way.

Warnings - Angst, fighting, swearing

Angered shouts. Tears of frustration. White noise. Desperate pleads. And then silence. That's what your neighbours would describe if they were asked to describe what they had heard from your house. An argument that seemed to have started over nothing, had blown up into a full scale fight. When had it become this bad? Only yesterday, you two had had a date night at home, with movies and wine. Everything was perfect. But then, suddenly everything seemed to go down a downward spiral.

Your relationship with your boyfriend had always been calm, it had been the type of love where you just loved each other with all your hearts, where fights were an incredibly rare appearance. You were both working, and he was away at races most of the time, so usually, you didn't waste time fighting, something that was an unnecessary waste of time in your opinion. But then, something had just switched for a second. It was after the race in Baku, and it hadn't gone well. Lewis had been heartbroken, after coming P15, and had heavily berated himself for it. To make him feel better, you had taken a couple of days off work. to just be with him and give him company to feel better.

It had been on the third day of you spending time with him that he had made an offhand comment that had struck a nerve with you. "I wish you could be there at race weekends more often. It's like you don't care enough about the races" The comment had pissed you off, to put it lightly. "What do you mean, I don't care about the races? I watch all of them Lewis, I'm always supporting you" you had practically seethed at him. "Don't get all huffy, darling, all I'm saying is that the other girlfriends and wives come quite often, but you only come to like three races a year" he had said, already regretting his words. "Maybe that's because I have a job?! I work for my living, and I love my job. I don't have time to fly around the world to accompany you to your races, and its damn hard to get leave off of work anyway, I was lucky to even get a week off of work, and you want me to be there every weekend? It's not possible for a working person, Lewis" you had said, anger bubbling in your voice, pulling away from him to sit up straight. "I know, I just meant-" "No, I know what you meant. I'm sorry I can't always be there, and don't you think I feel bad when I can't be there for you ?" "I know you do, I shouldn't have brought this up. But can you come for the next race?" He had asked, not looking at your eyes, regretting the answer. "I... can't. I have a really big meeting coming up and-" "And you can't come I get it"

And he had just left. You had felt your heart shatter, hating yourself for being so harsh with him. But it was true, you were a very hardworking person, and you had worked damn hard to get to where you were, successful at your job, one of the best in your field. It took years of hard work and perseverance and you were proud of it. But a part of you also knew that Lewis didn't deserve any of the crap you had given him, and you also knew that he was right, the other guys had their partners to support them during various race weekends, and you only showed up to one or two of them. He was well in his rights to tell you that. And you hated how it had ended.

You all alone, in your house, in a cold and empty bed, in a quiet house with silence that was much, much more deafening than words ever could be. It was heartbreaking, to see a future you had dreamed of just shattering in front of your eyes, dreams of having a family of your own with him fluttering away like wisps of smoke, the burning flames leaving only a heartbroken mess of a human being behind. Was that what it felt like? To be burned and left to turn to ashes, when a person that knew exactly how to ignite your flame just left you to burn away? To have someone who could ignite your all consuming passion, and turn you to putty in his hands, who could mould you back into shape, leave you to melt into a liquid through his fingers to just lay on the ground, a sad, broken, person.

And here you were, lying on your bed, the sheets that had warmed the both of you on cold nights, or been home to your pleasure laced activities now offering only some of the warmth it used to, cold and unforgiving, as you turned your pillow for the fifteenth time, neither side cool anymore. Even the pillow didn't want to forgive you, the sweat settling in on your neck again, beads of sweat running down your forehead again. The pulled curtains shielded you from the over bright sunshine, your damp hair sticking to your shoulders and neck. Your eyes, red rimmed and tired, shut to protect them from the faint light in the room, the tiredness not permitting you to even open them to look in the dim light of your room.

Somewhere near you, your phone buzzed again, for what felt like the hundredth time in three days. It had been three days, three long, painful days since you and Lewis had fought and not seen each other, and those 72 hours had ripped a part of your soul out. You had spent those three days in bed, your leave days still saving you from getting out of bed and dragging your body to office. Was your relationship over? Were you never going to meet the love of your life, the man you were destined to be with again? Sighing, you rolled over, pushing the damp strands of hair away from your face. Using strength you didn't know you had, you pulled yourself up, feeling your head spin.

Slowly, you made yourself walk into the kitchen, grabbing a piece of bread and popping it into the toaster. Then you splashed some water on your tired face, shuffling over to the bathroom to brush your teeth. After finishing your toast, you peeled off the sweaty shirt you had pulled on when he had left, realising with a pang that it was Lewis's nightshirt you were wearing, a purple one he loved. Dropping it into the laundry basket, you turned on the shower, stepping under the warm shower. The warm spray untangled the knots in your matted hair, as you soaped your body and hair, fresh tears rolling down your cheeks as memories of your showers together with Lewis came flooding back, as heartbroken sobs wracked your form again.

An hour after the not so great shower, you found yourself in another shirt belonging to Lewis, the bed in fresh sheets and covers, your pillow finally cool on both sides. You were clean and refreshed, albeit heartbroken, waiting on your takeout Chinese food and ice cream. Just as you lay there, scrolling through your Netflix account to watch some episode of FRIENDS to help you keep your spirits up, the doorbell rang. The thought of flavourful Chinese food and ice cream was enough to lure you out of your bed again, bare feet padding across the wooden floor to go to the door. You grabbed your wallet, opening the door, to find not your dinner, but Lewis, at the door, in one of your favourite sweatshirts on him. Did the clothes make you feel better? No. In fact, it just shattered your heart further.

"What are you doing here?" was the predictable line that left your lips. "I um, I left my toothbrush at your place. Can I have it back?"

"I beg your pardon? You left your toothbrush? You came back for a toothbrush, but not for me? Is that all I mean to you?!" you said, anger and a hint of sadness creeping into your tone. "You do mean a lot to me" he replied in a sigh. "Look, I didn't actually leave my toothbrush. That was a lie, and wow, I'm just realising how stupid that sounded, I'm sorry" His words were met with silence. The sadness in your eyes said it all. You were upset. Of course you were. "I don't have any toothbrushes except mine, so please leave" Before you could shut the door in his face, he pushed it back open, stepping into the house on his own.

"No do not come in here, please just get out!"

"No" was his frustrating reply. "What do you mean no? I said get out of my house!" "Not until we stop fighting and talk about what the hell happened!" Lewis yelled back, matching your tone. "Why the hell do you care?!" "Because I still love you damn it, I always have, and this stupid fight cannot, and should not break us apart!"

Your burst into tears. Sliding down against the wall, you buried your face in your hands, the sweatshirt arms covering your face as you sobbed. In an instant, Lewis was walking across to you, strong muscled arms wrapping around your shaking frame. "I'm sorry" you managed to blubber out, "I thought it over, and I don't go to support as often as I feel I should, and I'm sorry"

"No my darling, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said all that to you. You work so hard baby, and I'm so proud of you. And I know that you try to come whenever you can, and I love you so much for that. I'm sorry, and I never shouldv'e asked you to prioritize my passion over yours" rubbing your shoulders softly, he let his chin rest on top of yours. Sniffling, you let your head rest on his shoulder. The soft hiccups that left your lips broke his heart even further, something he hadn't thought possible.

The last 3 days had been pure hell for him. He had missed you, God, he had missed you. He had missed having you in his bed in the morning, tracing patterns on your bare skin. He had missed leaving kisses on your soft cheeks and hands and on your cute nose, missed smiling against your skin as you giggled. He had missed you playing with Roscoe, the doggo following the both of you around the house. Even Roscoe had missed you, sniffing around the house for your familiar smell, cocking his ears up and looking at his dad questioningly.

He had missed your perfume, the scent filling his senses, intoxicating him in the best way possible. He missed you curling up to him, playing with his hair or tracing his tattoos, leaving little kisses around the compass tattoo, tracing his 'Still I Rise' tattoo, missing the goosebumps that would rise on his skin when you traced Michelangelo's Pieta on his skin, and kissed the family and faith tattoos on his sternum. He missed you everywhere, and it had taken three days for him to realize that your presence grounded him. Your presence was something he needed, not to survive, he had done that before, he needed you for his happiness.

And having you in his arms, crying over what he had said? It shattered his heart. And he wanted to just fix everything, to bring everything back to normal. Stroking your hair softly, he kept his lips pressed to your ear, whispering soft "I love you's" and "I'm so sorry baby's" and "I'm here for you's" into your ear, feeling his heart lighten ever so softly when your sniffles decreased and your grip on yourself relaxed.

Moving up to meet his eyes, you moved so you were at eye level with him. "So we're both idiots who are sorry?" You murmured, running your hand up to his collarbone. With a soft laugh, he nodded taking your hand into his, rubbing his thumb over yours. "Fighting sucks" he mumbled pushing a stray strand of hair behind your ear. "It really does" your replied, moving so you were straddling his waist. "Let's never do that again, and let's just make a schedule. We can figure out when you can come and visit me, and I'll just deal with the fact that my ethereal girlfriend won't grace the race tracks every race weekend-" "It all sounds lovely but all I want right now is your lips on mine" you interrupted, bringing a smirk to his lips.

Leaning forward, he pressed his lips to yours, hand moving to maneuver your head closer to his, your hands moving up to cup his cheek, as your traced his jawline, his thumb running over your waist. Breaking apart softly, he let his forehead rest on yours. "I love you" he whispered softly. "I love you too" you mumbled back. Before he could lean back in, the doorbell rang again.

"Damn it. That's my chinese food and ice cream" you sighed, smiling when he laughed. "Was it that bad?" He asked, letting you get up to open the door. "Like you wouldn't believe it"

After getting the food and paying for it, you set two plates on the table and put enough on your plates. "You know what the worst part was about fighting?" "What was?" "Not waking up to you tracing my tattoos" "Aww that's what you missed?" You giggled, walking up to kiss the tattoos on his hands. "I really did. You're cute and adorable and you're all mine. That's why I don't wanna fight. Let's keep it that way" "I love you so much" "I love you too"

***

A/N - I'm so, so sorry I took so long to write this, I really suck at angst, and I hope this is what you wanted, the last thing I want to do is give you subpar work 😭😭

Anyways, have a great day 💙

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