Please tell me if you find me boring or if my posts are stupid or if I am stupid because it is that kind of day that I feel broken, a shit, excluded, incapable– you name it. I just want to be part of something special and feel special, but if I am not appreciated please tell me, I would prefer that.

Hey guys…I just wanted to make a post about something I’ve dealt with a while and am stressing about again, and felt like I needed to get off my chest because my anxiety is gnawing at me. 😩

NOTE: I am not trying to call anyone out directly and don’t want anyone to be harassed, so I’m not going to be specific. I never want any blatant hate doled out on my behalf, and appreciate that being respected. I can message you if you want to know the fic I’m talking about, but only if I trust you’re not going to be cruel to them about it.

So, I’ve been writing fanfiction since probably middle school, and I’m no stranger to having my works copied. It’s happened with a Harry Potter fic I did, two Marvel ones, and even a Naruto one (lol. I was 12 okay). It’s also happened to my friends, too, so I like to think I’m pretty good at being able to spot this kind of stuff.

It’s very upsetting to me because I don’t like confrontation and it makes me nauseous and induces panic attacks, but I also don’t want to just not say anything…But I’ve noticed multiple fics on AO3 that were very similar to mine. For the most part I’ve let it go because they had enough differences to not be overt, so I don’t want to be nit-picky about similarities and upset anyone.

But there’s one I noticed that is…eerily similar. Al is very much the same in his mannerisms and speech. A lot of the words and phrasing/slang are the same as mine (I don’t coin or own any words obviously, and I see words that are uncommon like mine used in fics and don’t think much of it, but this one has a lot of the same wording as mine).

It also has scenes that happen the same way, and has Al being all hot and heavy over Reader being vulnerable to him while she’s sleeping (and even having her have night terrors that excite him because he wonders if they’re about him), and mentions her being coy and shy and how much he loves her fear and dominating her.

I also asked some friends to check it out and see if I’m just overreacting or being paranoid, and they agreed they noticed all the same things (and even some things I hadn’t noticed).

There’s just…too many things for me to ignore, and I feel sick because I HATE pointing these things out to people. I don’t want to be accusatory and whiny like “YOUUU COPIED MEEE” because I know people sometimes do things subconsciously, I just…would prefer people credit me if they knowingly use inspiration from my fic.

Just venting because Penny is Very Anxious and on the verge of a breakdown because she can’t handle confrontation. Please shoot me.

Why do I always have the best jokes when no one is around?

Example, there's a spider vibing in my bathroom and I looked at it, threw finger guns at it and said "I won't hurt you if you don't hurt me. But I will hurt myself"

Ok so this is probably stupid of me and I hardly use this hellsite anymore even tho I've had an account for almost a decade so no one will probably see or have any advice but I have no better voids to shout into introspectively

I've felt this way a lot over the years but it just keeps coming back up.

I'm impulsive ADHD and one of the ways that presents in me is rambling/over-talking/not thinking as much if I'm too deep in a ramble or very upset about what I'm saying before I speak. I've definitely met worse impulsive talkers before and I do have some semblance of control of what I say most of the time, but I rarely have good control over the quantity of my speaking.

On the one hand I have a very positive (I think) and rational goal of working on listening without giving input and listening more and speaking less in areas that are not my immediate experience.

But I also just wanna talk less. I hate myself for speaking a million times a day. I'm not even saying anything bad I just feel people getting bored or annoyed with me. I can feel them getting uncomfortable or just socially pushing through and putting up with me. It could be my anxiety but it really does seem like people give me "that's nice:)" or "I guess that makes sense:)" types of responses a lot. I just feel such a weight of guilt and self deprecation every time it happens. I wanna be happy with myself but this is something that just constantly weighs on me because every attempt to just shut the fuck up fades quickly because my brain just goes back to my masking on autopilot. I go into my work mode and end up rambling at my coworkers again until they get tired of me and I go fuck off in a corner of the store to straighten something until the urge to word vomit about something comes back. I'm thoroughly tired of myself and just really want to stop feeling like the person continually bringing down the vibe in the room on accident. I'm not sure if I'm being dramatic about this or what to even do about it. I know I need therapy but any time I've brought this feeling up we just do mindfulness exercises which are great but I am incable of applying that when I'm mid rant about some bullshit. Idfk I just feel very isolated.

frankly, the people whose kneejerk reaction to bisan asking for a global strike form the 21st-28th is to say that it takes years to organize a general strike are really unhelpful! no one is saying otherwise, but palestine will be a smoking crater if we all wait for years to do anything - bisan is asking us to do something now. Like are we only supposed to do something if we can do it perfectly??? At some point it’s a valid critique about the work that goes into social movement, and at another point I feel like some people are just trying to absolve themselves from not putting any effort into observing a week of economic inaction.

like idk! I get it, okay! People have bills to pay that don’t magically go away for a strike, we don’t have nearly enough social infrastructure in place to support people to fully stop going to work for a week. But fuck, dude! Stop immediately responding in such a defeatist way! Cut out unnecessary purchases! Try to shop local! Put more effort into promoting Palestinian voices online! Attend a protest, call a local rep, do something!

hi look at these cute earrings instead of my tags <3

need to share an experience i had 30 minutes ago

(edit: thanks to @walks-the-ages for providing and reminding me to put alt text, sorry it slips my mind alot lol)

:/

“I hate the script, the vault dwellers sound so cheesy—“ my Brother in Steel you realize that’s the point, right? They were bred to act like the physical embodiment of an HR e-mail. Did you not catch the memo that Vault-Tec put out regarding their experiment facilities?

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

completed.

EDIT: this has now, as of this edit, reached over 2,000 notes. And I have started doing the things. My life is still far from perfect, but I genuinely do scroll through all the replies and reblogs and watch people get other people to help and reassure me and check on me and it makes me feel so much more loved than i normally do. i'm even going to bed earlier because you said i should. i love all of you so much, and i owe you 2,053 times. all my love, witch.

ORIGINAL POST:

ok here goes. i haven't taken enough care of myself recently. so here we go

if this reaches 100 notes i will start doing yoga again, to help with my anxiety COMPLETE (how you guys are insane)

if this reaches 200 notes i'll start studying more and putting in more effort COMPLETE (o my gosh)

if it reaches 500 i will actually try my best to exercise for the right reasons, instead of random bursts of self-hatred/body hatred COMPLETE (i posted this yesterday evening)

if this reaches 700 notes i will try my absolute best to fix my sleep schedule COMPLETE (ok this is insane)

if this reaches 1000 notes i will be more honest with my therapist COMPLETE (dammit you guys ilysm but this is gonna be hard)

if this reaches 2300 notes i will be more honest with myself about why i am turning to tumblr for this kind of thing and write a poem about it. (this one is a joke since i think 5000 is impossible, and i will write a poem for you guys anyway. i love you) (i’ve now changed this to a more reasonable goal - one really close to what i have now - because honestly i want you guys to succeed because the fact that people are still on this post is insane and it makes me smile.) AND COMPLETE! (i love every person who interacted with this post so much it isn’t even funny. all my gratitude and adoration, witch)

this ends at the beginning of may. you can spam i guess i have 35 followers it prob wont even reach 100. but go ahead, tumblr, do your thing. lol

Danny: *just chilling on the couch while being very still™️ at the Wayne Manor*

Clark: *comes to visit*

Clark: hey Bruce?

Bruce: yes?

Clark: why is there a dead child in your living room?

Bruce: what 0-0

Danny: oh shit

Danny: *starts up heartbeat* better?

Clark: *even more freaked out*

Apparently much-needed reminder that reposting artists' art (by saving the images or screenshotting them and reuploading them yourself) on other platforms without the artists' expressed permission and without credit is theft and an insult to their passion and craft. You are profiting (in views, in attention, in feedback) from someone else's work and ideas, who do not get that feedback for sharing their creation.

If you are an art reposter, you are a thief and I have no respect for you.

going insane thinking about the harrow and palamedes friendship. harrow, who has never met another necromancer her age forming a bizarro 3D chess rivalry while pal worries about her safety at every possible turn. harrow, who is up to her eyebrows in paranoia and secrecy, trusting the sixth house with gideon unconscious and hurt, letting them into the ninth house quarters unsupervised. if “i cannot conceive of a universe without you in it” is goth for i love you, “death first to vultures and scavengers” has got to be goth for i love you (platonic). pal’s first reaction when harrow comes into his bubble in the river is to scoop her up in a hug, and at this point she doesn’t remember anything about him because cutting out all her memories of gideon is impossible without cutting out memories of the sixth, but she still makes him a skelehand to inhabit anyway. when harrow’s memories are finally whole, she tells dulcinea she couldn’t face pal knowing that his pen pal girlfriend died on her account, but the next time she “faces” him, palamades’s soul is in someone else’s body and harrow’s body is full of nona’s soul. he spends six months protecting and caring for harrow’s body (and nona obv), believing in the possibility of bringing her back to it the same way cam believed in him. “god, do you know i miss harrow terribly.” and by the time harrow comes back to her body at the very end of ntn, pal is gone forever, fully pauled. the last time harrow and palamades see each other as their complete selves is in canaan house, alive and unlyctored. two of the smartest and loneliest people in the solar system meet each other in the worst of circumstances and spend the rest of the story dancing around each other as fragments of themselves, trying to care about each other in the interim but never fully meeting like they did the first time. a friendship made almost entirely of missing the other person. “do you know i miss harrow terribly.” god. i need to lie down

The Puerto Rican flag showing up when Rio snaps at Miles for getting a B in Spanish is such a fun little example of the incredible attention to detail in this movie

OKAY BUT LIKE SALLY AND POSEIDON’S CONVO OMG

“Do you want to talk to him?”

Long pause. THUNDER rolls in the distance.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!