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princessfroslass · 2 months

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Angel Dust has a clear validation problem.

I had been thinking about this ever since episode 2 and episode 6 all but segmented this onto my subconscious.

Angel clearly doesn't care whenever anyone slut shames or just overall insult him- he lives to get a rise out of people. Hell, Hazbin Hotel's VERY FIRST SCENE on the Pilot was him going full "oh yeah slut, very creative." And going after Travis life- but not on a insecure way, he very clearly didn't care. Fast forward to the actual show and it's more of the same- he doesn't care whenever Vaggie or Husk or anyone else threaten him because he enjoys the chaos and it's open about the fact he is only there to no pay rent. He just doesn't care about what others think of him.

Except.... When he does.

You see it's interesting because back on that origin comic (that I don't even know if it's canon anymore but for a characterization point I'll take it.) when Charlie states they need a quest and even pays him for his time (Angel was working on the street when they meet him) and she goes full "this is an investment, on you." He leaves the limo all "oh...ok....sure...." Clearly moved or touched by her faith in him, even though he still thinks it's misguided trust.

Back to episode 2, it's pretty much the anthesis of this. For once, someone else seems interested on changing his ways and THAT obviously excites Charlie, who referred to Sir Pen as "the hotel's first real quest" now to be fair with her, Angel is very vocal about how he thinks the Hotel is BS and hadn't show any intention to change his ways soon- but y'know that still must stings like it hasn't even been a week and this girl that is all sunshine and rainbows already gave up on him lmao but it gets even worse- on the roleplay thing, look at the fucking role he is giving- A CRACKHEAD- like he had to pause before saying that shit- and to rub salt on the wound, Sor Pen performance ends with the "no sex before marriage!" Line. Like out of all sins one could commit- you pick Addiction to Drugs (more specifically CRACK) and Sex. Yo girl what the fuck- and ofc, only Sir Pen gets congratulated, because Angel was critical of the whole thing and the former was full on enthusiastic about it- the last shot before the bedroom scene we get us Angel staring at Charlie validating Sir Pen's efforts and how he is going to be redeemed so fast before Angel sadly goes upstairs.

Now the room scene..... Yikes. The fact that the roleplay was all and on about the drugs thing and how the last voicemail/Angel's imagination? Things we heard it's "Addict trash like you doesn't change"... Hahaha all the yikes with that fucking roleplay. So yeah it's very fucking clear from the get go Angel has....issues. Hell even after "It starts with Sorry" when everyone goes back to sleep he doesn't looks happy, just resigned lmao

(Which it's funny because on the very next episode he saves Sir Pen from the war thing going down but I digress)

Now episode 4- oh MAN where do I even start. Now remember how in the first paragraph I mentioned how Angel disses Travis but like, in a confident way? Not on the way someone affected would react? Well this ep is everything but that lmao "I don't give a shit about what a drunk ass bartender thinks of me" reeks of insecurity by the tone alone I am sorry. Notice how he looks very taken aback when Husk calls his act out before he doubles down and goes full "I am actor dumbass" bit. Man's defenses were penetrated in a way it hasn't before and he needed a moment to put more bs out of his ass because God forbid someone in this Hotel knows how horrible his life is and how much he hates himself- and then his advances were thoroughly rejected for good ("It's never gonna work on me") and he absolutely losses it. Not being able to compute that someone that clearly stared at him long enough to read him, doesn't want to fuck him. Disgusts from people that barely knows him he can take- being told to his face it's not working, he can't. And it's not even because he particularly want to fuck anyone there- that is how he sees his own worth. He makes Val money, everyone around wants to take him, his services are apparently FAR from cheap ("you know how much I am WORTH?!") and he had based his whole self worth around it- no matter how many times he gets taken advantage of on a random club on 3am or if is his own fucking abuser (he literally only opened Val's voicemails after the whole ep2 fiasco) people either despises him because of his overt sexuality or want to use him for it (there is also the middle road where his worse habits are enabled and that makes him 'fun' company- but I'll be there in a min) there just can't be a reality where he is told to his face that he is destroying himself and any connection he can have WITHOUT the alterior motive of wanting to fuck him- right? I mean even Charlie's hope on him was proven to be limited, so why bother?

Enter Loser, Baby.

And yes, my beloved Huskerdust atem- you see there is something fucked up about it. Angel only joins in to sing as well after he goes full "I am a hoe that likes drugs tehee" but unlike always, he is...not proud of it. He only sings about it because Husk sang how "it's ok to be a-" like expecting a negative, and it's ONLY when Husk completes it with a "Baby that is fine by me" does Angel truly smiles. He just had a whole breakdown, he doesn't has the energy to put his facade and his "I don't care what you think" actitude. But because Husk validates that he is able to follow along.

There is also the "This guy it's not that bad" part. Angel softened up at that because, again, Husk validated him- the real him. He saw through his facade and embraced it.

In episode 5 there is this little scene where Charlie is talking to her father over the phone and everyone else is silently supporting her from behind. And Angel, the ever realist- is just....grimacing through the whole thing lmao but to his credit seemed to support her regardless- but what cought my eye through the whole thing is that when Charlie goes full "Dad, this is important to me!" The camera focus on Angel a bit....touched? See the scene you'll get what I mean.

Then episode 6 came along. Cherrie comes along, and her and Husk play devil and angel on Anthony's shoulder the whole night. But there is something interesting about this- Angel never.... really stops Cherrie, nor explain why he would avoid drugs- Husk does. He ONLY explains himself when Cherrie confronted him about being so protective of Nifty. When Cherrie offer him the pills he doesn't goes full "I am sober now" cut and dry, instead he goes full "er....I dunno, I am tired. Maybe another time?" after Husk does the whole "I thought you were better than that" bit. Cherrie enables Angel- she clearly CARES about him, there is not doubt about that- but Hell is made with good intentions, validating his excesses and taking an active part on it is how they bond- and how his relationship with her makes him feel a bit better about himself, even when at the end of day it all comes crashing down (hello end of Addicted) and what is the first THING he smiles at after his confrontation with Valentino? "You did good, kid".

Ao in synthesis, Angel craves for validation in all and any way he can get it- regardless of how good the intentions of those giving it are. It either can be an validitation of his usual behavior (Cherrie) an validation of him wanting to better himself (Charlie, Husk) or just.... validation of his body as a whole (those weird sharks he ran to at ep4) it really depends of how much his mental state is on the gutter that day.

And then there is Valentino.

It's clear Angel's self Worth issues are not much better thanks to the way he is treated in and out of the studio- but, and knowing his familial relationship, it's doubtful they CAME from there, and it was an unfortunate result of it.

Valentino and the Vees pray on the vulnerable- that was DIRECTLY stated at ep2, and what is more vulnerable that a drug addict whose own family rejected? Sure Angel had been on Hell for a WHILE but his foundation was already shaky to begin with, he is street smart and posseses more common sense that some of his peers (literally the only one that stated they SHOULDN'T bring every psycho that tries to kill them to the Hotel lmao) but this need for Validation running deep on his core makes him the ideal pray for any asshole that is willing to drop a few "oh you are so pretty 💜"s his way until it's too late. How tragic would it be- to have the first person that validated him in a WHILE be the one that hurt him the most.

#i dunno where the fuck this came from. its just did #hazbin hotel #angel dust #huskerdust #ish #it still counts #because Husk:s validation of Angel is like the backbone of their ship a d it actually started

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akoo9 · 2 months

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After reading your last post I wondered, do you think Yashiro would have tried to have sex with Doumeki if he wasn't impotent. He said in a later chapter when he first met Nanahara that's how he started with another guy .

Yashiro separates sex and love(being intimate)

He’s incapable of connecting these too considering he didn’t have sex with somone he loves before

So doumeki being not impo means yashiro can pursue him sexually…..that choice of pursuing d sexually started to disappear gradually after he found out d impotency)…so he started to just fantasise about having sex with doumeki(or specifically doumeki having sex with somone other than yashiro)(bcz yashiro unable to imagine having sex with somone he loves)he separates these two things….in fact yashiro always pursued d sexually(in unsensable level) before they slept together….some of his gazes towards doumeki were lustfull, sometimes his body language tells he’s flirting or trying to approach d…d was just stoic and not available sexually….and that gave safety for yashiro to b comfortable around him and b the kid he never grew up….and gave space for doumeki’s to realize his love feelings and he had barely a time to b so forward with them since yashiro gave him hard time after that….yashiro himself started to experience alot of things at once…he was yearning for doumeki sexually but he developed feelings hence his unpleasant reactions….he requested sex from doumeki and say let’s do it but each time he stops…bcz yashiro was also getting pursued intimately….yashiro was always ready for doumeki’s sexual touch but he was never able to make a move the more time passes

so if doumeki wasn’t impotent….the whole storyline at beginning will b different

And also reversed in way that it need a writer to do that…..but that itself answers ur question…if doumeki wasn’t impo means that intimate element at beginning isn’t there….so yashiro is free from his own prison and would have definitely slept with doumeki right away the moment they met,

and doumeki himself confirmed he would have similar feelings no matter the timing they met…even if he was a healthy officer,so let’s not ignore doumeki’s ear was red,so if he wasn’t impo he would have expressed his sexual attraction more towards yashiro too….yashiro would not b able to resist doumeki and doumeki himself wouldn’t have issues in expressing himself sexually and would probably make yashiro addicted to him

There’s so many possibilities that need a professional writer afterwards

Hope that answers abit ur questions (note :I didn’t get exactly what u’re referring about nanahara and what scene u mean,can u lead me to which one it is)

#saezuru #saezuru tori wa habatakanai #yashiro #doumeki chikara #doumeki x yashiro #twittering birds never fly

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behindsonglyrics · 10 months

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“Question...?” (Midnights) Matty Healy Masterpost

I haven’t done an analytic post in quite some time! I’m a little rusty, but I felt like this would be fun and …Question? has been pondering on my mind for some time now.

Before I hop into it, this is just a personal analysis theory. I’m not Taylor. I cannot ‘confirm’ whether a song is about someone, only Taylor holds those cards. Since it is a solely a theory; if you have a different opinion on ‘who’ you think a song is about, that is ok.

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Now anyways, let’s get started...

Short Summary: …Question? Is a song where the song narrator (singing the song) is specifically reminiscing about a short lived moment of the past, regarding a short-lived situtationship, which we cannot fully call an official relationship because it was fleeting. The song narrator ponders on Questions she’s asking a former brief past lover. The narrator also opens up her heart, and telling her side of the story to that past brief lover, whom she has the Questions to.

Who is the ex fleeting situtationship? (Who the song is about?): Matty Healy.

How is it about Matty, well firstly, I know commonly Harry Styles is thought to be the muse of this track, and (you never can say never, he very well could ‘still’ be as Harry has similar coincidences experienced and the OOTW sample) but heavily it seems to lay on Matty.

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Let’s take an insight look to the lyrics, in a more depth way:

‘Good girl, sad boy / Big city, wrong choices”

Taylor tends to usually refer herself as a ‘good girl’ and has in previous songs, which narratively make it easily to come to the conclusion she is speaking about herself here. The ‘big city’ she refers to is New York, which, Taylor first met Matty Healy in 2014. New York is the “big city” as it’s often nicknamed the big apple for a reason.

At the time Matty had also met Taylor, it was known he was going through a lot himself: former heroin-addiction, outbursts, etc which led to a band intervention. He was not in a good place at the time of the rumors with Taylor.

“Wrong choices” also aren’t from Matty’s end either, Taylor is also speaking about her own wrong choices in the setting of New York.

“We had one thing goin' on / I swear that it was somethin'”

This is a very specific lyric that many may overlook, but tells a lot by the song narrator. Taylor indicates that she, “swears” they had something going on, meaning there wasn’t anything official, or set in stone. Thus why she, “swears” by it. This lyric here tends to steer me away from the Harry Styles theories, as Harry was in a full fledge (official) relationship with Taylor, unlike Matty where they were briefly having “something going on” even though it was fleeting, and she explains (in the rest of the song, why).

But one thing after another | Fuckin’ situations, circumstances | Miscommunications, and I have to say, by the way | I just want some explanations

This lyric is quite intriguing because it is insight what led to to derailing and the shortness of this situtationship, and Taylor is asking for an answer (to, whom) she is singing to. Around the time Taylor was seeing Matty (in 2014), briefly as it was just starting up, there was an interview where he described potentially dating Taylor Swift as ‘emasculating’ and denying the possibility of them dating when asked in the past. He later apologized publicly, and said his words were miscommunication, implying they were taken out of context and correcting what he meant.

There is a letter somewhere of his public response, I can’t find the link right now, but it does exist.

Which fits the “miscommunication issues” that led to lost.

Can I ask you a question? Did you ever have anyone kiss someone in a crowded room and every single one of your friends was makin’ fun of you but fifteen seconds later, they were clapping too?

I won’t say much about these lyrics, as it’s a very straight forward retelling specific moment, and Taylor (the narrator) is asking how they felt about that, but it is obvious they shared a kiss, his mates teased him and it’s not the ordinary, only for them to be cheering them on, which mates tend to do. You could also say this scenario is weird for the both of them based on the circumstance.

Half-moon eyes, bad surprise Did you realize out of time?

So, Matty seems to have a hooded eye shape, which you could describe as ‘half-moon’ and when he smiles becomes more obvious in which she is describing. When she also asks, “did you realize out of time?” Is their situtationship coming to an end, and him knowing such.

“She was on your mind with some dickhead guy / That you saw that night”

Now commonly people think these lyrics apply to Harry as Harry looked distressed seeing Taylor with Calvin (masterpost here) but Harry wasn’t the only one during this time who was experiencing this. Around the timing of Matty and Taylor when Taylor started to get close and began seeing Calvin, Matty was there. That exact day. Dickhead guy is also Calvin Harris, btw for anyone specifically curious.

“But you were on somethin' It was one drink after another”

As already said in this masterpost previously, Matty in the past was taking heavy drugs during this era of time. By 2017, an intervention was held for him by his bandmates. “On something” is pretty on the nose from Taylor.

What also debunks. …Question? Being about Harry Styles, is Harry in an interview himself said he never took drugs, until One Direction split. As he didn’t want to be the one who “fucks up.” It’s been said as well, Harry took One Direction seriously way back then, while his other bandmates (Louis, Zayn) were experimenting. He was “not on something” (Harry) he saw Taylor and Calvin, and that was the BBMA. Unlike Matty who “ran out of time” immediately after, cause after their breath flirting back and forth, Taylor met Calvin right then.

“Fuckin' politics and gender roles”

Matty has been politically outspoken for awhile now, I don’t know too much about him, but 21-year old Harry at the time wasn’t politically outspoken, besides maybe saying “don’t go to sea world” which is all I can really find, etc.

“Got swept away in the gray”

This may or may not be a similar reference like how Halsey paints Matty Healy and associates him with the color gray, he has strips of gray in his hair. Gray (as a color) = associated with some negative connation's, as it symbolizes loss, gloom, etc. Just like “blue’ is associated with describing the feeling of sadness.

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Other than the lyrics, let’s talk about the sampling from OOTW.

There are theories that ‘About You’ may be Matty’s song to Taylor (whether it was written about her ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ up to you), but About You is saying, “did you think I forgotten” while OOTW is, “I remember” … Lastly, it is Jack who has long time worked with Taylor both on OOTW and Question. Both songs are on each others pre-set list as well.

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pluckyredhead · 10 months

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Red Hood and the Outlaws #4 (2011)

Back on Lobdell's bullshit!

There had been vague references to Roy being a "screwup" in the first three issues of the book, but this issue confirms that he is, as he was pre-Flashpoint, an addict in recovery. There are two major differences, though: one, his sobriety seems a lot shakier than it was pre-Flashpoint (at least, before Lian's death), and two, he is now an alcoholic, rather than a narcotics addict. Pre-Flashpoint, Roy was regularly shown drinking casually and sometimes even actively drunk (Ollie's bachelor party), and it was never depicted as a problem for him, though Kyle at one point gently teases him about staying away from booze. (Interestingly, Ollie is occasionally depicted as having an unhealthy relationship with alcohol himself, but no line is ever drawn between his potential addiction and Roy's, in any continuity.)

I'm of two minds about the change. On the one hand, though I have a strong attachment to the original "Snowbirds Don't Fly," it was very much commenting on a specific cultural moment, as well as being very deliberately designed to open up conversation about drugs and drug addiction in comic books (prior to "Snowbirds," the depiction of drug use was banned by the Comics Code Authority). There's no reason to stick specifically to heroin, other than tradition. I hate to praise Tom King, and I have quibbles with him giving Roy an addiction to prescription drugs in Heroes in Crisis (if injuries in the field led to Roy's reliance on and then addiction to prescription painkillers, why is he the only superhero to develop an addiction? it should be like a third of them!), but it's a choice that feels very current, the way that heroin felt very current in 1971. (People obviously still do heroin, but you know what I mean.)

Making Roy an alcoholic instead of a heroin addict provides an interesting opportunity to compare the two addictions. Alcoholism is much more culturally accepted (and, you know, legal), easier to hide, and carries far less stigma, both when using and when in recovery. And yet RHATO depicts a Roy who appears to be in greater disgrace with the superhero community than pre-Flashpoint Roy ever was. It would have been interesting to explore the difference in how the two addictions are received, in getting and staying sober, in the dangers of using any substance to excess, even legal and widely accepted ones. A thoughtful writer could have told a really moving story with this change.

Of course, we're talking about Lobdell here, so the change feels completely arbitrary and downright lazy, especially since Lobdell (and King) has a habit of doing zero research and changing things at random. Both the alcoholism and the prescription drug addiction wind up coming across like all addictions are interchangeable, which is...shitty.

But, you know. It could have been good.

On the other hand, here we have the debut of the single best thing about all of RHATO: the Jaybird nickname. Drink it in, friends.

Meanwhile, Kori gets attacked by this guy, Crux:

She's TAMARANEAN. In fact, the word "Tamaranean" is used later on the same page. What a shitshow.

Crux is a human whose parents were killed when a random Tamaranean spaceship hit their car (why were Tamaraneans just cruising by Earth? no idea), so he devoted his life to destroying aliens in general and Tamaraneans in particular, including using alien DNA so he can turn himself into a giant bat-lizard at will.

Meanwhile, the hot lady sheriff turns out to be an Untitled, and she and Jason frisk each other sexily before she turns into a monster and attacks. It's boring.

The issue ends with Roy going to help Kori, who is losing her fight, and Jason facing off against the Untitled. So to sum of the events of the issue, two fights start and Roy calls Jason "Jaybird" for the first time. It's amazing how little story you can tell in when you average like two panels per page!

#jason todd #red hood #roy harper #arsenal #starfire #red hood and the outlaws #rhato reread

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drjohnweston · 1 year

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Being Human Q&A 17th December 2022

Everything I can remember from the Q&A, under the read more because it's pretty long!!

Unfortunately, due to Covid, Kate Bracken was unable to attend the event.

Toby Whithouse on being asked why he had selected Making History 4.07 as the episode to be shown: "It was the most ambitious series where we changed the genre slightly, having two timelines running alongside each other with one happening 25 years in the future. This was the episode where those timelines converged."

They then aired the episode before Toby was joined onstage by Jason Watkins and Damien Molony.

Question to Toby: “Where did it all start?"

Toby had been asked to write a TV series about 3 university friends buying a house together, which after struggling to come up with ideas, eventually evolved into a person with anger management issues, a person with agoraphobia, and a person with addiction issues sharing a house, with one of the characters being named George.

At the same time TW had also written a short film romcom about a werewolf named George. The two ideas merged together to give the characters a story and the connections were made between agoraphobia and being a ghost and addiction and being a vampire.

The very first draft of the script was written purely as a sitcom and the second draft of the script was written as if it was an independent American short film.

At first people could not understand that it was a combination of horror, comedy, and drama, but Toby Whithouse thought that this was much more representative of real life, where we are never confined to one genre.

TW also spoke about how the stories he connected with the most were the ones that took place in our world. He said that “The best escapism was into stories that could take place around us.” And that “I was writing for 14-year-old me.”

On the subject of Being Human spanning genres, Jason Watkins added that in reality, at their most horrific moments, people make jokes. He also said that there was “Something colloquial, speakable, domestic, and modern” About the Being Human script.

Q: Were there any references to favourite vampires when creating the show?

TW spoke a little about the mythology and the limitations they were under. “If you can have the vampires only appear at night that is a production nightmare, a scheduling nightmare.”

He also spoke about two new pieces of mythology added in series 4 and how one they thought was perfectly logical and that they would get away with, and another that they thought there was no way the fans would forgive them for and would accuse them of “making shit up.” However, when the series aired those two pieces of new mythology, toxic werewolf blood and Rent-A-Ghosting vampires were received completely the opposite way around and TW was shocked that people hated toxic werewolf blood as a concept so much.

Q: What was it like for Damien Molony joining the series and how did he prepare?

When he went for his audition, he had been acting in the play Tis a Pity She’s a Whore and was spending every night being covered in fake blood from head to toe “like in Carrie”. He said that when he travelled down to the audition, he’d been unable to clean off all of the fake blood and thought that might have helped him to get the part, that the casting agents probably went “wow that guy’s really method.”

After getting the role, Damien watched all the previous series of Being Human and was sent 10 DVDs of vampire films to watch as a crash course 5 days before filming started. He was also given a playlist of music that Hal would listen to and talked about OCD and dominoes.

Later in the QA, an audience member asked specifically how he prepared to show Hal’s OCD, to which Damien replied that he watched lots of documentaries on channel 4 on demand (as the service was called back then) and that he used to spell out the name of the old American actor Hal Holbrook on his fingers on set.

He also added that the domino spiral was set up on set 2 weeks in advance of filming and that everyone on set had to resist the temptation not to touch it and had to tip toe around so as not to accidentally knock it, causing hours of work to put it back.

Another anecdote from Damien Molony came after being reminded about how much beetroot juice he had to drink when they were filming Making History, with 10 litres of beetroot juice having effects that caused him to phone his doctor dad with some worried questions.

The Q&A moved back to Jason Watkins, airing a clip of Herrick in the isolation chamber with Mitchell, George, and Annie in Bad Moon Rising 1.06. Jason was asked “How did you approach a character with such a black heart”

Jason spoke about Herrick’s complete enjoyment of all the things that he does, his psychopathic nature. “As a villain, he has a pure appetite for it. He ticks all those awful boxes.”

Toby Whithouse added that Herrick “has one mode, summed up by the line “You’re a shark, be a shark.” He never has a single moment of doubt.

Jason Watkins also talked of Herrick as a “paternal figure, he has these sort of sons.” And how he needed to have people like Mitchell in that position, because he needed to be in control, describing it as “having control over somebody and needing that control to know where you are in the world.”

This prompted Ruby, the interviewer to ask about the relationships between vampires and their makers, pointing out that we had just witnessed a twisted version of that relationship in 4.07 between Hal and Cutler.

Damien Molony described Hal as a “straight-jacketed, terrified loner being suddenly confronted with the victim turned master” in Cutler. There was much praise from the panel for Andrew Gower’s performance as Cutler.

Another question to Damien: “As we as fans often see good Hal and Bad Hal and separate people, like Angel in Buffy”, do you see them as different” Damien described good Hal as closed off, straight-jacketed (again), and very controlled. Whereas he said that bad Hal is at ease and open.

Back to Jason Watkins who was asked “Could Herrick be redeemed if he shared a house with Annie Sawyer?” Jason started to go into a longer explanation, but Toby Whithouse replied with a simple no.

Back to the question about relationships between vampires and their makers, Jason Watkins brought up the existence of a script for a scene that was never filmed about Herrick’s recruitment (this is still accessible via the old official Being Human Blog archives and there is a link on my blog).

Jason also recalled the time they were filming Herrick’s resurrection for the end of series 2. Which was not filmed in an empty snowy field, but in a park in the middle of Bristol with a group of elderly people from a local care home watching from the side-lines.

Lastly from Jason Watkins, replying to an audience question about what he took from the role of Herrick, he spoke about how “it was a bit of a break for him” (career wise) and how Herrick’s confidence “was him on a really good day,” and that by playing Herrick it increased his own confidence in his work and performance.

As both members of the cast on the panel had played vampires, the questions had been more focussed on them.

Speaking about the werewolves, Toby said “Werewolves become boring after they’ve transformed, they just become a thing. … It’s all about the tension, the lead up and the aftermath.” That’s the interesting part.

An audience member asked if Toby could discuss the ghosts, saying “they are the glue of the show, how did you come up with them?”

Toby responded that actually, the ghost episodes had always been the hardest ones to write and that he tended to lean more into the comedy aspect with them, because both Lenora and Kate were good at comedy. He said that he always paired their characters up with more experienced ghosts, because both Annie and Alex were new to that world. But he also said that he had to start to break his own rules and bring Annie out of the house as “Ding Dong, it’s a ghost” turning up at the door as a plotline would have gotten old very quickly.

He shared that he and Gilbert had the same musical taste, and that it meant he could “write jokes about people like Marc Almond that only he (toby) would find funny.”

And finally, one audience member asked, “Did you ever see things online and think I wish we would have done that?”

Toby Whithouse replied “the online community I absolutely loved. It added another layer of joy. During series 2 airing someone came up with the idea that Professor Jaggat was a werewolf and that was why she wasn’t there at during the (first) transformation, and I thought oh that’s a really good idea.” He went on to add “You can’t pay too much attention to audience feedback.” And spoke about writing what audiences need rather than what they might necessarily want to see. But that he would read the (official) blog because it was fun and so many lovely things were said.

#being human #being human uk #toby whithouse #jason watkins #damien molony #herrick #hal yorke #please forgive any errors I haven't proof read it

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burgundy-and-navy · 2 years

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once again talking about ben mitchell

One thing I'm really appreciating about ben's storyline is that at this point, it really couldn't be done with any other character besides ben mitchell. Yes it is an issue based story, but it so utterly character driven. Obviously I've written extensively about why, if the show wanted to address specfic issues like withdrawl of consent and sex as a trauma response/chemsex, it makes sense to use ben's character. Realistically eastenders could have used any character to explore things like chemsex, but it would have seemed forced. Then it would have been box ticking, but with ben's history it seems natural. We've seen his relationship with both sex and alcohol turn unhealthy when it's been used more as a coping mechanism, we know there are addiction issues in his family and a history of turning to substances for escapism, which ben references in his talk with phil. This is behaviour that ben was taught growing up so of course he would end up turning to drugs whe struggling so much. Instead of watching it thinking well I guess this is eastenders new talking point of the week, we are seeing a understandable character progression. It's like the show isn't just including these things because they want to include them, they are including them because this is how that character would react when going through something like this, if that makes sense.

But it's not just that, they are bringing in the entirety of ben's history into this. There's the fact that in that stunning scene with kathy ben links his feelings of powerlessness back to Paul's death, when he's high and talking to his parents about how he deserves if for being a bad person and heather's death (devastating). These are not just narrative beats that exist as part of an issue-based storyline, they are narrative beats made specific by referencing that character's history. The hospital scene is not just a father and son talking about rape, that is very much ben and phil mitchell talking and carrying the weight of the complex, tragic relationship. When ben tells phil he thought he would be ashamed of him that is not only representing feelings of shame that are unfortunately true to life for some people, its backed by that history. Likewise when phil tells ben that he's his son and he loves him, it references decades of ben feeling like he's not man enough to be phil's son (and when I tell you I sobbed when phil, who is always finding these surrogates sons because he couldn't understand ben and to look to closely at ben would just break his heart, looked his son in the eye and made sure that he knew that he was loved and that no matter what ben is and always will be his son. It was the only thing he could do, and in that moment it was all ben needed (but long-term please let that boy get some therapy)).

(I can't help but compare it with Stuart's stories and to me those seem a little more issue of the month. Firstly I think combining the cancer and depression is doing a disservice to both those things, because the show isn't really doing much with either. Really the postnatal depression is little more than hey men can get it to and it's bad, but hey stuart also has chemo to get to. It deserves more and the thing is when that and ben's stories were announced I was way more unsure how they were going to link ben's ptsd to this. I'll admit I was wrong, they did that beautifully, stuarts issues are just distracting from one another. And I know that stuart doesn't have the history ben has, we know his a fair bit of his backstory but we didn't see all the nuances of it, plus he is not a consistent character, he straight up changed (and as a ben fan I am a bit bitter about that fact that the stuart doesn't face the same backlash considering how much of a villain he was and it's not like he developed. Development involves a slow progress, things get better, things regress but there's always effort put in (you know like ben) stuart magically changed one year to the next and I like stuart well enough its just annoying how he is treated in comparison). But really stuarts postnatal depression could involve any character who became a father, timing wise it just had to be stuart. There just hasn't been the same amount of depth).

And it's not just the ben's story is character driven on ben's part, we are seeing both kathy and phil react in ways that are completely character driven. Again we are seeing the representation of an issue that does exist, the struggles that parents go through when something like this happens, but it made specific because everything that those characters do makes sense in the context of their respective histories, both as individuals and their histories with ben. Phil wants to go after lewis because well you would, I mean he hurt his kid, but also because that's what phil was taught. Likewise phil has to sit in that hospital room and reckon with his past parenting (that stella mention) and work to be better. Kathy is trying desperately to keep ben afloat, and is trying to be to ben what she would have needed, but there are moments when she just doesn't understand ben's behaviour. And I really love the fact that the show has taken the story in the direction of exploring how this little family unit copes with everything that is happening. And that's not to mention that if there's a story to do with masculinity, or something that challenges someone's like self-perception of masculinity, it was always going involve ben because that's the character's history, but that's a whole other post. Basically although this is absolutely harrowing to watch I think it has been so well written and carefully considered. You can't say well this is just eastenders tackling another issues of the week when every single moment is informed by what type character ben is.

#eastenders #ben mitchell #ben's sl #phil mitchell #ballum #tw: rape

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coochiequeens · 2 years

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Leftists love spewing about how their activism is on behalf of the marginalized. Until one of the marginalized questions gender identity. Then it’s ok to harass a homeless gay man with HIV.

A musician in Portland, Oregon has come forward reveal the extent of the gender lobby’s power over social and political institutions in the city — welding such immense influence that it left him not only homeless, but unable to access crucial services.

Matt Insley explains that his entire situation of homelessness was caused after a ‘cancellation’ when he deviated from popular opinion on emerging gender trends three years ago.

Insley was incarcerated from 2010 to 2014 in Columbia River prison. While there, he created a successful music school for the incarcerated men, one which is now run by Grammy-award winning artist Nate Query, the bassist for The Decemberists. After serving his sentence, he became active in Portland’s music scene, and enjoyed a great deal of local success.

“I was a rush-hour DJ on the nation’s first LGBT FM radio station … I covered major events, I was an award-winning composer and producer.” Insley describes feeling as though he were “on top of the world” prior to expressing an opinion he says changed the course of his life.

“I was fully booked, winning awards, directing and composing my music… and then I started questioning how gender ideology was evolving. I started referring to it as ‘the non-binary fad.'” Insley says he hadn’t even taken issue with transgenderism, but had begun expressing some confusion about the increasing popularity of ‘non-binary’ identities around 2019.

“The moment I started questioning the non-binary thing, I was unable to get work … I was known as the well-connected guy who could get anyone [arts] funding. I was hosting fundraisers every month for different organizations… And they just shut it all off.”

Insley, who is gay, explains that after he was branded a ‘transphobe’ for questioning hip ‘gender identities,’ he became a pariah in notoriously-woke Portland.

“I had bricks thrown through my friend’s window… I have had to change my phone number four times. If [activists] find my number, they pass it around.”

Unable to get work, he lost his stable housing and quickly became homeless and transient. But, he explains that as a person who has been living with HIV for 13 years, leaving Oregon was out of the question.

“I have no money to leave, and, quite honestly, despite the setbacks of Portland, the funding for the HIV programs is some of the best in the country,” Insley explains, “If I tried to leave, I would need to make sure I had access to all of the same resources. So it’s not like I can up and move.”

Stuck in Portland, Insley paints a bleak picture. He explains that ‘gender ideology,’ that which left him homeless in the first place, also wields an increasing amount of power over the key institutions he now relies upon.

He explains he has been on the general housing waiting list since losing his stable housing after no longer being able to find employment. In total, he has been waiting over two years, a time frame he says is far longer than the average person would experience.

“I didn’t notice it until after what should have been the average wait was far exceeded, then I started having questions … Everyone I have spoken to says I have been waiting for way too long, and even acknowledged people have gone ahead of me,” Insley explains, noting he then discovered those with identity-based mental health issues, such as gender dysphoria, are being provided housing on an accelerated basis, sometimes within just months.

“The doctors are saying the hormones and surgeries for them are ‘life saving’ and therefore they need a high priority into housing.”

In August of 2021, Insley was referred to the Quest Center for Integrative Health — a federally-funded resource center specifically for LGBT individuals in Portland. He had just graduated from in-patient rehab for his addiction to alcohol, and was set to do out-patient through the Center, which would have also been able to provide him with housing, therapy, and various other needed services.

“Out of an hour-long class that was supposed to be on addiction, maybe 45 minutes was dedicated to pronouns and trans people’s struggles,” Insley says. Confused about the program’s angle, he contacted the Center and expressed his confusion.

“I said that I was concerned that more time was being spent on pronouns than my recovery.”

In one email Insley had sent to Quest, he stated he was comfortable using people’s names rather than their pronouns in the event group-work was needed.

“I’ll simply say someone’s name every time other than using a pronoun in group. I won’t call a man a woman. I think I should still be allowed in this program. In other words: even though I feel this way, I’m in the G and I deserve these services as much as anyone else in the alphabet spew,” Insley wrote in his email.

Shortly after, Insley received a response from Ryan Christianson, an addiction counselor with Quest. In an email shared with Reduxx, Christianson wrote that Insley’s concerns about gender ideology did not align with the values of the center, and he was being referred back to his addictions

case manager.

“My case manager had referred me for housing through Quest. After [Christianson] sent me that email, I was no longer applicable for that housing.” Insley explains that due to gaps in the way services are managed in Oregon for people with addiction and mental health diagnoses, there was little his case manager could continue to do.

“[My case manager] told me that because my situation involved mental health and addiction, she couldn’t help me because she only provides resources for addiction,” Insley says, “So, because I’m dual diagnosis, there was no help for me after Quest. And because they provided all of those different services, to deny me access to Quest was to deny me access to everything.”

Insley says he continued to try and contact other staff at Quest to address his concerns, but never received a response.

But his list of run-ins with gender ideologue-controlled resources didn’t end there.

Earlier this year, Insley says he was turned away from Esther’s Pantry — the only food bank in the area specifically for people with HIV. The Pantry is run by Brent Blackwell, a drag queen who also goes by the name Summer Lynn Seasons.

“I arrived and went to put in my list for food, and they told me I had to come back the next day,” Insley says, noting that the had been told it was a day reserved for gender non-conforming and “BIPOC” people, an acronym standing for Black, Indigenous, and (other) People of Color.

Insley explains claiming to be ‘gender non-conforming’ or ‘trans’ was out of the question, as his high profile within the LGBT community of Portland would result in him surely being identified anyway. He chose to simply leave.

“This might shock you …” he begins sarcastically, “… but causing an issue around trans people in front of trans people — especially here in Portland with the anti-fascists? They can get quite violent.”

Insley says after he was turned away, he managed to get an emergency ration for that evening at a Church, noting: “It’s funny that Churches have helped me more than gay organizations have, these past couple of years.”

He explains that food banks in the city are only open during a certain hour, and he had used his small window of time trying to go to Esther’s due to its specific servicing for the HIV positive community.

“We are not a big enough community for them to require special days so certain people can get access. We are just not that huge. It is people with HIV. There are quite a few people with HIV in Portland, but not enough to justify having a certain day for certain people and excluding others.”

Insley attempted to contact Our House of Portland, the organization which facilitates Esther’s Pantry, to lodge a complaint, but was quickly dismissed. When asked if he was concerned any further complaint would lead to his food access at the Pantry being cut off entirely, as with other services, Insley says: “Yes. Absolutely.”

Insley explains a culture of fear prevents people from speaking out against powerful trans groups in Portland, and that he quickly backed down.

“What they would have done is painted me to be an aggressor who was unsafe to transgender people. That’s what they would have done. They would have painted me as a villain, and said I was an unsafe person for gender non-conforming people to be around.” He continues: “I have to have food. I have to maintain my status on the housing waiting list, and I feel like if I do one thing out of step they are going to find a reason to boot me, even though they are already finding reasons to push me down the list.”

Insley isn’t the first person in a particularly vulnerable situation who found their access to needed resources threatened after expressing concerns about gender ideology.

As previously revealed by Reduxx, a sexual abuse survivor in Vancouver, British Columbia was evicted from a women’s domestic violence shelter after becoming increasingly concerned about the impact of gender ideology on women’s rights.

Jane, whose identity was protected by Reduxx at her request, had been exposed to multiple disturbing incidents in the shelter after arriving due to the presence of two trans-identified males who had been housed amongst the women.

For Insley, he says he was unconcerned with protecting his identity, feeling as though public exposure to his problems may provide him some opportunity to better navigate his situation. But as his life continues to leave him scrambling for a safe place to sleep every night, he hopes speaking out will also educate people on the way gender ideology is now impacting even homeless people and their access to needed resources.

“I would like to see our housing and medical system get back to having a proper sense of prioritization. It’s deeply upsetting to see people that are pursuing elective treatments and using neopronouns being treated as if their situation is life-threatening.” Insley says, but concluding: “[These changes shouldn’t] require someone like me having to expose my own vulnerable situation just to break through the cacophony of gender ideology.”

Reduxx did reach out to the Quest Center for comment, but did not receive a response.

By Anna Slatz Anna is the Co-Founder and Editor-in-Chief at Reduxx, with a journalistic focus on covering crime, child predators, and women's rights. She lives in Canada, enjoys Opera, and kvetches in her spare time.

#Portland #oregon #The left and homophobia #The left are harassing a gay man

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corallandobservation · 1 year

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Can Online Dating Burnout be Stopped.

The results of the survey, released Wednesday by Meiji Yasuda Life Insurance Co., suggest a greater uptake of internet dating as opportunities to meet face-to-face fell in the wake of the coronavirus pandemic. ladyescort.co.il Unless you’re the parent of a child, you don’t take on responsibility for them; you offer your assistance because you want to make their life easier. Sign up and create your profile for free then take the personality test. How to be more successful in a free dating chat? And the truth is there are deeper, richer, more intimate layers to us as humans and to our relationships. They aren't free, but for the extra cost you get more security and are able to see real people. It also screens out people who are just there to flirt and not take it further by restricting its messaging function to premium users only - so if someone’s paying to be able to messages, chances are they’re looking forward to a chance to connect in the real world, too. How long does he take to respond to texts? “You might have a great conversation with someone, but then you meet up and within 10 seconds, you realise that they’re not someone you'd want to get to know,” she says, which amounts to a waste of time.

If I'm comfortable with someone, the flirting never ends. I'm not thinking of anyone, really. We have great pheromones for men, such as Chikara and Edge; amazing pheromones for women, such as Primal Women and the Love Scent Copulin Concentrate; and pheromones such as Liquid Trust and our very own Love Scent Pheromone Oils that can be worn by anyone, regardless of gender! Many people are feeling fatigued at the prospect of continuing to swipe right indefinitely until they meet someone great. As it turns out, your gut feeling was right - scientists have spent decades discovering how the same chemical process at play in other kinds of addiction plays a role in why, when and how that takes place with addiction takes place when we fall in love. And guess what: You were right. Right this very moment, are you thinking of anyone special? Now, you just need to find the right dating site or app to sign up for. Keep scrolling to find out! In this article, we'll find out what love really is and what happens in our bodies that makes us fall in love - and ensures we stay there.

Not all of these men are already married, so there's a good chance that if you date men, you might find one. Find out about a range of services to assist families manage relationship issues, including helping families agree on arrangements for children after parents separate. Humans are wired for romance for many reasons, but in part because our DNA is driving us toward a path of becoming loving parents who care diligently for our helpless offspring (whether or not we choose to fulfill that destiny is of course another story, but our drive to love remains, regardless). Terran Shea, a Toronto-based matchmaker and date coach, says the keywords with a compliment are “tasteful” and “specific.” She advises personalizing the compliment as much as possible, and if you’re going to reference a celebrity or something from pop culture, be vague. If they say that they are going to call, they always call. Love can be confusing, and you need to know where you are before you can truly open your heart. People with anxiety disorders or issues can have periods of time when they don’t experience symptoms. If you are so successful and busy that you don't have time to meet new people, don't like to date clients or co-workers and are not interested in the bar scene then try Pre-Dating speed dating events!

Time to seal the deal-the last few minutes of a date are crucial to make sure a second date happen. When it comes to love, are you the professor, or are you the student? They say that love always comes back. Back each other when things get tough. You don't have to be in a relationship or playing the field to get a love meter reading. I have never ever experienced any bullying in rowing because of my height - in fact quite the reverse! Romantically I have not had a major problem either. You may have shared good times or meaningful experiences in the past, and are optimistic these could happen again in the future. “They realize they’re both still young and have big futures ahead of them. Thankfully, I've never needed either one. While the lighter isotopes 12C and 13C are stable, the heaviest isotope 14C (radiocarbon) is radioactive.

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thebibliosphere · 3 years

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There’s a youtuber I watch, I won’t mention her cause I don’t want people giving her shit in the comments (not that I think most of you would, but y’know, it’s the Internet) and she’s recently got on this really... anti-tech bend in which she is referring to her enjoyment of cell phone usage as an “addiction”. And while for sure being constantly wired and “on” is harmful, especially doom scrolling twitter, the things she is describing doesn’t sound like addiction to me, but rather ADHD brains seeking dopamine feedback. And honestly? Making broad, sweeping comments like “cell phones are so harmful, and if you can’t just sit still and be present in the moment you have an addiction” is... making me very uncomfortable.

Like, you want me to pay attention to something? Sure, I can do that. For limited amounts of time. You want my sustained attention for hours? Not gonna happen. Unless I’m hyperfixating, nothing is going to hold my attention span for hours on end. And generally speaking, people enjoy the initial upswing of my fixations, but they don’t enjoy the prolonged outcome of me neglecting to self care for eight hours straight because my brain decided this is the only thing I’m going to focus on to the point where I forget to eat, drink, sleep, or even go to the bathroom. So when people tell me they want my undivided attention, I like to tell them they really don’t.

What I can give you however, is a rational amount of attention with the aid of things like stim and fidget toys to keep my brain from wandering for the duration of whatever we’re doing. Sometimes that can even look like scrolling mindlessly on my phone. Speaking personally, most of my attention will be on what you’re saying. I’m just giving my brain background noise to focus on while I actually process what you’re saying/doing.

And you know what? Learning to both do this and accept that I need to do this and I’m not a horrible person for not being able to 100% focus unaided, has been actively helpful and healthful for my mental health. I get fewer ADHD meltdowns, which yeah, can occur with both over stimulation and under stimulation as well.

My brain needs some of that instant gratification because it’s dopamine starved. And what might be a problem for some people, and I genuinely believe it is... Making these sweeping statements about addiction, which is a very serious mental health issue, and making it part of your “I shun technology” spiel you’re on while running a business through YouTube is... not as sincere as you perhaps hope it is. But of course, it’s the shunning of technology as evil, so the comments are just filled with “god, you’re so right, we should all go back to before we had smart technology”, inevitably posted from an iphone with absolutely zero self awareness or sense of irony.

And then when I brought up ADHD and neurodivergency in the discord it was liked I’d just asked “who wants to kick puppies?!” and ended up muting the thread because it was easier to peace out than listen to the whole “you don’t have ADHD, sweety, you’re just highly sensitive” bullshit that is becoming more and more common in these types of groups.

Idk, the whole thing just... rubbed me the wrong way. Especially because the things she were labeling as “signs of addiction”, said in such a scandalized manner, were actually hallmarks of what I now recognize as neurodivergency. And while addiction is a major problem with ADHD—specifically with unmedicated and undiagnosed individuals who have been forced to try and rectify their lack of dopamine on their own—shunning what are honestly harmless coping mechanisms is not going to help those people.

So you check twitter while watching TV. So what? Oh, you checked your phone ten times a day? So what? Is it actively harming you? Is it harming your mental health? Are you doom scrolling? Is it harming those around you? Are you idealizing Instagram too much and putting yourself down? Then yeah, those are bad. Maybe work on that.

But also maybe consider you might just blaming the phone for other problems in your life you’re not addressing cause it’s easier to blame technology than it is to even consider for one second you might have ADHD.

Idk. Thanks for coming to my rambling TED talk. I’m off to read a book while listening to a podcast about a different book.

#adhd #rambling #long post

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iamshwee · 3 years

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SHADOW WORK: The Ultimate Guide

I. Why Focusing Only on the Light is a Form of Escapism

For most of my life, I’ve grown up firmly believing that the only thing worthy of guiding me was “light” and “love.” Whether through the family environment I was raised in, or the cultural myths I was brought up clinging to, I once believed that all you really needed to do in life to be happy was to focus on everything beautiful, positive and spiritually “righteous.” I’m sure you were raised believing a similar story as well. It’s a sort of “Recipe for Well-Being.”

But a few years ago, after battling ongoing mental health issues, I realized something shocking:

I was wrong.

Not just wrong, but completely and utterly off the mark. Focusing only on “love and light” will not heal your wounds on a deep level. In fact, I’ve learned through a lot of heavy inner work, that not only is focusing solely on “holiness” in life one side of the equation, but it is actually a form of spiritually bypassing your deeper, darker problems that, let me assure you, almost definitely exist.

It is very easy and comfortable to focus only on the light side of life. So many people in today’s world follow this path. And while it might provide some temporary emotional support, it doesn’t reach to the depths of your being: it doesn’t transform you at a core level. Instead, it leaves you superficially hanging onto warm and fuzzy platitudes which sound nice, but don’t enact any real change.

What DOES touch the very depths of your being, however, is exploring your Shadow.

II. What is the Human Shadow?

In short, the human shadow is our dark side; our lost and forgotten disowned self.

Your shadow is the place within you that contains all of your secrets, repressed feelings, primitive impulses, and parts deemed “unacceptable,” shameful, “sinful” or even “evil.”

This dark place lurking within your unconscious mind also contains suppressed and rejected emotions such as rage, jealousy, hatred, greed, deceitfulness, and selfishness.

So where did the Shadow Self idea originate? The concept was originally coined and explored by Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, Carl Jung. In Jung’s own words:

“Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.”

When the human Shadow is shunned, it tends to undermine and sabotage our lives. Addictions, low self-esteem, mental illness, chronic illnesses, and various neuroses are all attributed to the Shadow Self. When our Shadows are suppressed or repressed in the unconscious long enough, they can even overtake our entire lives and causes psychosis or extreme forms of behavior like cheating on one’s partner or physically harming others. Intoxicants such as alcohol and drugs also have a tendency to unleash the Shadow.

Thankfully, there is a way to explore the Shadow and prevent it from devouring our existence, and that is called Shadow Work.

III. What is Shadow Work?

Shadow work is the process of exploring your inner darkness or “Shadow Self.” As mentioned previously, your Shadow Self is part of your unconscious mind and contains everything you feel ashamed of thinking and feeling, as well as every impulse, repressed idea, desire, fear, and perversion that for one reason or another, you have “locked away” consciously or unconsciously. Often this is done as a way of keeping yourself tame, likable, and “civilized” in the eyes of others.

Shadow work is the attempt to uncover everything that we have hidden and every part of us that has been disowned and rejected within our Shadow Selves.

Why? Because without revealing to ourselves what we have hidden, we remain burdened with problems such as anger, guilt, shame, disgust, and grief.

All throughout the history of mankind Shadow Work has played a powerful yet mysterious and occult role in helping us discover what is causing us mental illness, physical dis-ease and even insanity resulting in crimes of all kinds.

Traditionally, Shadow Work fell in the realm of the Shamans, or medicine people, as well as the priests and priestesses of the archaic periods of history. These days, Shadow Work falls more commonly in the realms of psychotherapy, with psychologists, psychiatrists, spiritual guides, and therapists.

IV. Do We All Have a Shadow Self?

Yes, we ALL have a Shadow Self.

As uncomfortable as it may sound, there is a dark side within every human being. Why is this the case? The reason why all human beings have a shadow is due to the way we were raised as human beings, often referred to as our ‘conditioning.’

“But I’m a good person! I don’t have a ‘shadow’ side,” you might be thinking. Well, the reality is that yes, you might be a good person. In fact, you might be the most generous, loving, and selfless person in the entire world. You might feed the hungry, save puppies, and donate half of your salary to the poor. But that doesn’t exclude you from having a Shadow.

There are no exceptions here.

The nature of being human is to possess both a light and a dark side, and we need to embrace that.

Sometimes, when people hear that they have a Shadow side (or when it is pointed out), there is a lot of denial. We have been taught to perceive ourselves in a very two-dimensional and limited way. We have been taught that only criminals, murderers, and thieves have a Shadow side.

This black and white thinking is one of the major causes of our suffering.

If the thought of having a Shadow side disturbs you, take a moment to consider whether you have developed an idealized self.

Signs of an idealized self include attitudes such as:

· “I’m not like those people, I’m better.”

· “I have never strayed.”

· “God is proud of me.”

· “Criminals and wrongdoers aren’t human.”

· “Everyone sees how good I am (even so, I have to remind them).”

· “I’m a role model.”

· “I should be validated and applauded for my good deeds.”

· “I don’t have bad thoughts, so why do others?”

Such perceptions about oneself are unrealistic, unhealthy, and largely delusional. The only way to find inner peace, happiness, authentic love, self-fulfillment, and Illumination is to explore our Shadow.

V. How is Our Shadow Side Formed?

Your Shadow side is formed in childhood and is both (a) a product of natural ego development, and (b) a product of conditioning or socialization. Socialization is the process of learning to behave in a way that is acceptable to society.

When we are born, we are are all full of potential, with the ability to survive and develop in a variety of ways. As time goes on, we learn more and more to become a certain type of person. Slowly, due to our circumstances and preferences, we begin to adopt certain character traits and reject others. For example, if we are born into a family that shows little interpersonal warmth, we will develop personality traits that make us self-sufficient and perhaps standoffish or mind-oriented. If we are born into a family that rewards compliance and shuns rebellion, we will learn that being submissive works, and thus adopt that as part of our ego structure.

As authors and Jungian therapists, Steve Price and David Haynes write:

“But, as we develop our ego-personality, we also do something else at the same time. What has happened to all those parts of our original potential that we didn’t develop? They won’t just cease to exist: they will still be there, as potential or as partly developed, then rejected, personality attributes, and they will live on in the unconscious as an alternative to the waking ego. So, by the very act of creating a specifically delineated ego-personality, we have also created its opposite in the unconscious. This is the shadow. Everyone has one.”

As we can see, developing the Shadow Self is a natural part of development.

But you also formed an alter ego due to social conditioning, i.e. your parents, family members, teachers, friends, and society at large all contributed to your Shadow.

How?

Well here’s the thing: polite society operates under certain rules. In other words, certain behaviors and characteristics are approved of, while others are shunned. Take anger for example. Anger is an emotion that is commonly punished while growing up. Throwing tantrums, swearing, and destroying things was frowned upon by our parents and teachers. Therefore, many of us learned that expressing anger was not “OK.” Instead of being taught healthy ways to express our anger, we were punished sometimes physically (with smacks or being grounded), and often emotionally (withdrawal of love and affection).

There are countless behaviors, emotions, and beliefs that are rejected in society, and thus, are rejected by ourselves. In order to fit in, be accepted, approved, and loved, we learned to act a certain way. We adopted a role that would ensure our mental, emotional, and physical survival. But at the same time, wearing a mask has consequences. What happened to all the authentic, wild, socially taboo, or challenging parts of ourselves? They were trapped in the Shadow.

What happens as we grow up?

Through time, we learn to both enjoy, and despise, our socially-approved egos because, on the one hand, they make us feel good and “lovable,” but on the other hand, they feel phony and inhibited.

Therapist Steve Wolf has a perfect analogy that describes this process:

“Each of us is like Dorian Gray. We seek to present a beautiful, innocent face to the world; a kind, courteous demeanor; a youthful, intelligent image. And so, unknowingly but inevitably, we push away those qualities that do not fit the image, that does not enhance our self-esteem and make us stand proud but, instead, bring us shame and make us feel small. We shove into the dark cavern of the unconscious those feelings that make us uneasy — hatred, rage, jealousy, greed, competition, lust, shame — and those behaviors that are deemed wrong by the culture — addiction, laziness, aggression, dependency — thereby creating what could be called shadow content. Like Dorian’s painting, these qualities ultimately take on a life of their own, forming an invisible twin that lives just behind our life, or just beside it …”

But while the Shadow Self may be portrayed as our “evil twin,” it is not entirely full of “bad” stuff. There is actually gold to be found within the Shadow.

VI. What is the Golden Shadow?

Jung once states that “the shadow is ninety percent pure gold.” What this means is that there are many beautiful gifts offered to us by our Shadow side if we take the time to look. For example, so much of our creative potential is submerged within our darkness because we were taught when little to reject it.

Not everything within our Shadow is doom and gloom. In fact, the Shadow contains some of our most powerful gifts and talents, such as our artistic, sexual, competitive, innovative, and even intuitive aptitudes.

The ‘Golden Shadow’ also presents us with the opportunity for tremendous psychological and spiritual growth. By doing Shadow Work, we learn that every single emotion and wound that we possess has a gift to share with us. Even the most obnoxious, “ugly,” or shameful parts of ourselves provide a path back to Oneness. Such is the power of the Shadow – it is both a terrifying journey, but is ultimately a path to Enlightenment or Illumination. Every spiritual path needs Shadow Work to prevent the issues from happening that we’ll explore next.

VII. What Happens When You Reject Your Shadow?

When shadow-work is neglected, the soul feels dry, brittle, like an empty vessel. — S. Wolf

Rejecting, suppressing, denying, or disowning your Shadow, whether consciously or unconsciously, is a dangerous thing. The thing about the Shadow Self is that it seeks to be known. It yearns to be understood, explored, and integrated. It craves to be held in awareness. The longer the Shadow stays buried and locked in its jail cell deep within the unconscious, the more it will find opportunities to make you aware of its existence.

Both religion and modern spirituality tend to focus on the “love and light” aspects of spiritual growth to their own doom.

This over-emphasis on the fluffy, transcendental, and feel-good elements of a spiritual awakening results in shallowness and phobia of whatever is too real, earthy, or dark.

Spiritually bypassing one’s inner darkness results in a whole range of serious issues. Some of the most common and reoccurring Shadow issues that appear in the spiritual/religious community include pedophilia among priests, financial manipulation of followers among gurus, and of course, megalomania, narcissism, and God complexes among spiritual teachers.

Other issues that arise when we reject our Shadow side can include:

· Hypocrisy (believing and supporting one thing, but doing the other)

· Lies and self-deceit (both towards oneself and others)

· Uncontrollable bursts of rage/anger

· Emotional and mental manipulation of others

· Greed and addictions

· Phobias and obsessive compulsions

· Racist, sexist, homophobic, and other offensive behavior

· Intense anxiety

· Chronic psychosomatic illness

· Depression (which can turn into suicidal tendencies)

· Sexual perversion

· Narcissistically inflated ego

· Chaotic relationships with others

· Self-loathing

· Self-absorption

· Self-sabotage

… and many others. This is by no means a comprehensive list (and there are likely many other issues out there). As we’ll learn next, one of the greatest ways we reject our Shadow is through psychological projection.

VIII. The Shadow and Projection (a Dangerous Mix)

One of the biggest forms of Shadow rejection is something called projection.

Projection is a term that refers to seeing things in others that are actually within ourselves.

When we pair projection and the Shadow Self together, we have a dangerous mix. Why? Because as psychotherapist Robert A. Johnson writes:

“We generally seek to punish that which reminds us most uncomfortable about the part of ourselves that we have not come to terms with, and we often ‘see’ these disowned qualities in the world around us.”

There are many different ways we ‘punish’ those who are mirrors of our Shadow qualities. We may criticize, reject, hate, dehumanize, or even in extreme cases, physically or psychologically seek to destroy them (think of countries who go at war with the “enemies”). None of us are innocent in this area. We have ALL projected parts of our rejected self onto others. In fact, Shadow projection is a major cause of relationship dysfunction and break down.

If we are seeking to bring peace, love, and meaning to our lives, we absolutely MUST reclaim these projections. Through Shadow Work, we can explore exactly what we have disowned.

IX. Twelve Benefits of Shadow Work

Firstly, I want to say that I have the highest respect for Shadow Work. It is the single most important path I’ve taken to uncover my core wounds, core beliefs, traumas, and projections. I have also observed how Shadow Work has helped to create profound clarity, understanding, harmony, acceptance, release, and inner peace in the lives of others. It is truly deep work that makes changes on the Soul level targeting the very roots of our issues, not just the superficial symptoms.

There is SO much to be gained from making Shadow Work a part of your life, and daily routine. Here are some of the most commonly experienced benefits:

1. Deeper love and acceptance of yourself

2. Better relationships with others, including your partner and children

3. More confidence to be your authentic self

4. More mental, emotional, and spiritual clarity

5. Increased compassion/understanding for others = who you dislike

6. Enhanced creativity

7. Discovery of hidden gifts and talents

8. Deepened understanding of your passions and ultimate life purpose

9. Improved physical and mental health

10. More courage to face the unknown and truly live life

11. Access to your Soul or Higher Self

12. A feeling of Wholeness

It’s important to remember that there are no quick fixes in Shadow Work, so these life-changing benefits don’t just happen overnight. But with persistence, they will eventually emerge and bless your life.

X. Seven Tips for Approaching Shadow Work

Before you begin Shadow Work, you need to assess whether you’re ready to embark on this journey. Not everyone is prepared for this deep work, and that’s fine. We’re all at different stages. So pay attention to the following questions and try to answer them honestly:

· Have you practiced self-love yet?

o If not, Shadow Work will be too overwhelming for you. I have starred this bullet point because it is essential for you to consider. Shadow Work should not be attempted by those who have poor self-worth or struggle with self-loathing. In other words: if you struggle with severely low self-esteem, please do not attempt Shadow Work. I emphatically warn you against doing it. Why? If you struggle with extremely poor self-worth, exploring your Shadow will likely make you feel ten times worse about yourself. Before you walk this path, you absolutely must establish a strong and healthy self-image. No, you don’t have to think you’re God’s gift to the world, but having average self-worth is important. Try taking this self-esteem test to explore whether you’re ready (but first, don’t forget to finish this article!).

· Are you prepared to make time?

o Shadow Work is not a lukewarm practice. You are either all in or all out. Yes, it is important to take a break from it from time to time. But Shadow Work requires dedication, self-discipline, and persistence. Are you willing to intentionally carve out time each day to dedicate to it? Even just ten minutes a day is a good start.

· Are you looking to be validated or to find the truth?

o As you probably know by now, Shadow Work isn’t about making you feel special. It isn’t like typical spiritual paths that are focused on the feel-good. No, Shadow Work can be brutal and extremely confronting. This is a path for truth seekers, not those who are seeking to be validated.

· Seek to enter a calm and neutral space.

o It is important to try and relax when doing Shadow Work. Stress and judgmental or critical attitudes will inhibit the process. So please try to incorporate a calming meditation or mindfulness technique into whatever you do.

· Understand that you are not your thoughts.

o You need to realize that you are not your thoughts for Shadow Work to be healing and liberating. Only from your calm and quiet Center (also known as your Soul) can you truly be aware of your Shadow aspects. By holding them in awareness, you will see them clearly for what they are, and realize that they ultimately don’t define you; they are simply rising and falling mental phenomena.

· Practice self-compassion.

o It is of paramount importance to incorporate compassion and self-acceptance into your Shadow Work practice. Without showing love and understanding to yourself, it is easy for Shadow Work to backfire and make you feel terrible. So focus on generating self-love and compassion, and you will be able to release any shame and embrace your humanity.

· Record everything you find.

o Keep a written journal or personal diary in which you write down, or draw, your discoveries. Recording your dreams, observations, and analysis will help you to learn and grow more effectively. You’ll also be able to keep track of your process and make important connections.

XI. How to Practice Shadow Work

There are many Shadow Work techniques and exercises out there. In this guide, I will provide a few to help you start off. I’ll also share a few examples from my own life:

1. Pay attention to your emotional reactions

In this practice, you’ll learn that what you give power to has power over you. Let me explain:

One Shadow Work practice I enjoy a great deal is paying attention to everything that shocks, disturbs, and secretly thrills me. Essentially, this practice is about finding out what I’ve given the power to in my life unconsciously, because: what we place importance in – whether good or bad – says a lot about us.

The reality is that what we react to, or what makes us angry and distressed, reveals extremely important information to us about ourselves.

For example, by following where my “demons” have taken me – whether in social media, family circles, workspaces, and public places – I have discovered two important things about myself. The first one is that I’m a control freak; I hate feeling vulnerable, powerless and weak . . . it quite simply scares the living hell out of me. How did I discover this? Through my intense dislike of witnessing rape scenes in movies and TV shows, my negative reaction to novel experiences (e.g. roller coaster rides, public speaking, etc.), as well as my discomfort surrounding sharing information about my life with others in conversations. Also, by following where my “demons” have guided me I’ve discovered that I’m being burdened by an exasperating guilt complex that I developed through my religious upbringing. Apart of me wants to feel unworthy because that is what I’ve developed a habit of feeling since childhood (e.g. “You’re a sinner,” “It’s your fault Jesus was crucified”), and therefore, that is what I secretly feel comfortable with feeling: unworthy. So my mind nit-picks anything I might have done “wrong,” and I’m left with the feeling of being “bad” – which I’m used to, but nevertheless, this is destructive for my well-being.

Thanks to this practice, I have welcomed more compassion, mindfulness, and forgiveness into my life.

Paying attention to your emotional reactions can help you to discover exactly how your core wounds are affecting you on a daily basis.

How to Pay Attention to Your Emotional Reactions

To effectively pay attention to your emotional reactions (I call it “following the trail of your inner demons”), you first need to cultivate:

1. Self-awareness

Without being conscious of what you’re doing, thinking, feeling, and saying, you won’t progress very far.

If, however, you are fairly certain that you’re self-aware (or enough to start the process), you will then need to:

2. Adopt an open mindset

You will need to have the courage and willingness to observe EVERYTHING uncomfortable you place importance in, and ask “why?” What do I mean by the phrase “placing importance in”? By this, I mean that, whatever riles, shocks, infuriates, disturbs and terrifies you, you must pay attention to. Closely.

Likely, you will discover patterns constantly emerging in your life. For example, you might be outraged or embarrassed every time sex appears in a TV show or movie you like (possibly revealing sexual repression or mistaken beliefs about sex that you’ve adopted throughout life). Or you might be terrified of seeing death or dead people (possibly revealing your resistance to the nature of life or childhood trauma). Or you might be disgusted by alternative political, sexual, and spiritual lifestyles (possibly revealing your hidden desire to do the same).

There are so many possibilities out there, and I encourage you to go slowly, take your time, and one by one pick through what you place importance in.

“But I DON’T place importance in gross, bad or disturbing things in life, how could I? I don’t care for them!” you might be asking.

Well, think for a moment. If you didn’t place so much importance on what makes you angry, disgusted or upset . . . why would you be reacting to it so much? The moment you emotionally react to something is the moment you have given that thing power over you. Only that which doesn’t stir up emotions in us is not important to us.

See what you respond to and listen to what your Shadow is trying to teach you.

2. Artistically Express Your Shadow Self

Art is the highest form of self-expression and is also a great way to allow your Shadow to manifest itself. Psychologists often use art therapy as a way to help patients explore their inner selves.

Start by allowing yourself to feel (or drawing on any existing) dark emotions. Choose an art medium that calls to you such as pen and pencil, watercolor, crayon, acrylic paint, scrapbooking, sculpting, etc. and draw what you feel. You don’t need to consider yourself an ‘artist’ to benefit from this activity. You don’t even need to plan what you’ll create. Just let your hands, pen, pencil, or paintbrush do the talking. The more spontaneous, the better. Artistic expression can reveal a lot about your obscure darker half. Psychologist Carl Jung (who conceptualized the Shadow Self idea) was even famous for using mandalas in his therapy sessions.

3. Start a Project

The act of creation can be intensely frustrating and can give birth to some of your darker elements such as impatience, anger, blood-thirsty competitiveness, and self-doubt. At the same time, starting a project also allows you to experience feelings of fulfillment and joy.

If you don’t already have a personal project that you’re undertaking (such as building something, writing a book, composing music, mastering a new skill), find something you would love to start doing. Using self-awareness and self-exploration during the process of creation, you will be able to reap deeper insights into your darkness. Ask yourself constantly, “What am I feeling and why?�� Notice the strong emotions that arise during the act of creation, both good and bad. You will likely be surprised by what you find!

For example, as a person who considers myself non-competitive, that assumption has been challenged by the act of writing this blog. Thanks to this project, the Shadow within me of ruthless competitiveness has shown its face, allowing me to understand myself more deeply.

4. Write a Story or Keep a Shadow Journal

Goethe’s story Faust is, in my opinion, one of the best works featuring the meeting of an ego and his Shadow Self. His story details the life of a Professor who becomes so separated and overwhelmed by his Shadow that he comes to the verge of suicide, only to realize that the redemption of the ego is solely possible if the Shadow is redeemed at the same time.

Write a story where you project your Shadow elements onto the characters – this is a great way to learn more about your inner darkness. If stories aren’t your thing, keeping a journal or diary every day can shine a light on the darker elements of your nature. Reading through your dark thoughts and emotions can help you to recover the balance you need in life by accepting both light and dark emotions within you.

5. Explore Your Shadow Archetypes

We have several Shadow varieties, also called Shadow Archetypes. These archetypes are sometimes defined as:

· The Sorcerer/Alchemist

· The Dictator

· The Victim

· The Shadow Witch

· The Addict

· The Idiot

· The Trickster

· The Destroyer

· The Slave

· The Shadow Mother

· The Hag

· The Hermit

However, I have my own Shadow Archetype classification, which I will include below.

13 Shadow Archetypes

Here are my thirteen classifications which are based on my own self-observations and analysis of others:

1. The Egotistical Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: arrogance, egocentricity, pompousness, inconsiderateness, self-indulgence, narcissism, excessive pride.

2. The Neurotic Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: paranoia, obsessiveness, suspiciousness, finicky, demanding, compulsive behavior.

3. The Untrustworthy Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: secretive, impulsive, frivolous, irresponsible, deceitful, unreliable.

4. The Emotionally Unstable Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: moody, melodramatic, weepy, overemotional, impulsive, changeable.

5. The Controlling Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: suspicious, jealous, possessive, bossy, obsessive.

6. The Cynical Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: negative, overcritical, patronizing, resentful, cantankerous.

7. The Wrathful Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: ruthless, vengeful, bitchy, quick-tempered, quarrelsome.

8. The Rigid Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: uptight, intolerant, racist, sexist, ableist, homophobic, obstinate, uncompromising, inflexible, narrow-minded.

9. The Glib Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: superficial, cunning, inconsistent, sly, crafty.

10. The Cold Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: emotionally detached, distant, indifferent, uncaring, unexcited.

11. The Perverted Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: masochistic, lewd, sadistic, vulgar, libidinous.

12. The Cowardly Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: weak-willed, passive, timid, fearful.

13. The Immature Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: puerile, childish, illogical, simpleminded, vacuous.

Keep in mind that the above Shadow Archetypes are by no means exhaustive. I’m sure that there are many others out there which I have missed. But you are free to use this breakdown to help you explore your own Shadows. You’re also welcome to add to this list or create your own Shadow Archetypes, which I highly encourage. For example, you might possess a judgmental and dogmatic Shadow who you call “The Nun,” or a sexually deviant Shadow who you call “The Deviant.” Play around with some words and labels, and see what suits your Shadows the best.

6. Have an Inner Conversation

Also known as “Inner Dialogue,” or as Carl Jung phrased it, “Active Imagination,” having a conversation with your Shadow is an easy way to learn from it.

I understand if you might feel a twinge of skepticism towards this practice right now. After all, we are taught that “only crazy people talk to themselves.” But inner dialogue is regularly used in psychotherapy as a way to help people communicate with the various subpersonalities that they have – and we all possess various faces and sides of our ego.

One easy way to practice inner dialogue is to sit in a quiet place, close your eyes, and tune into the present moment. Then, think of a question you would like to ask your Shadow, and silently speak it within your mind. Wait a few moments and see if you ‘hear’ or ‘see’ an answer. Record anything that arises and reflect on it. It is even possible to carry on a conversation with your Shadow using this method. Just ensure that you have an open mindset. In other words, don’t try to control what is being said, just let it flow naturally. You will likely be surprised by the answers you receive!

Visualization is another helpful way of engaging in inner dialogue. I recommend bringing to mind images of dark forests, caves, holes in the ground, or the ocean as these all represent the unconscious mind. Always ensure that you enter and exit your visualization in the same manner, e.g. if you are walking down a path, make sure you walk back up the path. Or if you open a particular door, make sure you open the same door when returning back to normal consciousness. This practice will help to draw you effortlessly in and out of visualizations.

7. Use the Mirror Technique

As we have learned, projection is a technique of the Shadow that helps us to avoid what we have disowned. However, we don’t only project the deeper and darker aspects of ourselves onto others, we also project our light and positive attributes as well. For example, a person may be attracted to another who displays fierce self-assertiveness, not realizing that this quality is what they long to reunite with inside themselves. Another common example (this time negative) is judgmentalism. How many times have you heard someone say “he/she is so judgmental!” Ironically, the very person saying this doesn’t realize that calling another person ‘judgmental’ is actually pronouncing a judgment against them and revealing their own judgmental nature.

The Mirror Technique is the process of uncovering our projections. To practice this technique, we must adopt a mindful and honest approach towards the world: we need to be prepared to own that which we have disowned! Being radically truthful with ourselves can be difficult, so it does require practice. But essentially, we must adopt the mindset that other people are our mirrors. We must understand that those around us serve as the perfect canvas onto which we project all of our unconscious desires and fears.

Start this practice by examining your thoughts and feelings about those you come in contact with. Pay attention to moments when you’re emotionally triggered and ask yourself “am I projecting anything?” Remember: it is also possible to project our own qualities onto another person who really does possess the qualities. Psychologists sometimes refer to this as “projecting onto reality.” For example, we might project our rage onto another person who is, in fact, a rage-filled person. Or we might project our jealousy onto another who genuinely is jealous.

Ask yourself, “What is mine, what is theirs, and what is both of ours?” Not every triggering situation reveals a projection, but they more than often do. Also, look for things you love and adore about others, and uncover the hidden projections there.

The Mirror Technique will help you to shed a lot of light onto Shadow qualities that you have rejected, suppressed, repressed, or disowned. On a side note, you might also like to read about a similar practice called mirror work which helps you to come face-to-face with your own denied aspects.

XII. Shadow Work Q&A

Here are some commonly asked questions about shadow work:

What is shadow work?

Shadow work is the psychological and spiritual practice of exploring our dark side or the ‘shadowy’ part of our nature. We all possess a place within us that contains our secrets, repressed feelings, shameful memories, impulses, and parts that are deemed “unacceptable” and “ugly.” This is our dark side or shadow self – and it is often symbolized as a monster, devil, or ferocious wild animal.

How to do shadow work?

There are many ways to practice shadow work. Some of the most powerful and effective techniques include journaling, artistically expressing your dark side (also known as art therapy), using a mirror to connect with this part of you (mirror work), guided meditations, exploring your projections, and examining your shadow archetypes.

What is the spiritual shadow?

There is light and darkness within all areas of life, and spirituality is not exempt. The spiritual shadow is what occurs when we fall into the traps of spiritual materialism – a phenomenon where we use spirituality to boost our egos and become arrogant, self-absorbed, and even narcissistic.

XIII. Shadow Self -Test

https://lonerwolf.com/shadow-self-test/

As passionate proponents of Shadow Work, we have created a free Shadow Self test on this website for you to take. Like any test, take it with a grain of salt and use your own analysis to ultimately determine how ‘dominant’ your Shadow is in your life. Please remember that tests online cannot be 100% accurate, so see it as a fun self-discovery tool. And note: those who receive a “small Shadow Self” answer still need to do Shadow Work. No person is exempt. ;)

XIV. Own Your Shadow and You Will Own Your Life

If you are looking for some serious, authentic and long-lived healing in your life, Shadow Work is the perfect way to experience profound inner transformation. Remember that what you internalize is almost always externalized in one form or another.

Own your shadow and you will own your life.

Here are some final inspiring words:

“The secret is out: all of us, no exceptions, have qualities we won’t let anyone see, including ourselves – our Shadow. If we face up to our dark side, our life can be energized. If not, there is the devil to pay. This is one of life’s most urgent projects. — Larry Dossey (Healing Words)”

“If we don’t change, we don’t grow. If we don’t grow, we are not really living. Growth demands a temporary surrender of security.” — Gail Sheehy

“Who has not at one time or another felt a sourness, wrath, selfishness, envy and pride, which he could not tell what to do with, or how to bear, rising up in him without his consent, casting a blackness over all his thoughts … It is exceeding good and beneficial to us to discover this dark, disordered fire of our soul; because when rightly known and rightly dealt with, it can as well be made the foundation of heaven as it is of hell. — William Law”

“To confront a person with his own shadow is to show him his own light. — Carl Jung”

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ninzied · 3 years

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i’ve been really feeling the energy surrounding the discourse on race re: the falcon and the winter soldier, and i think it is so crucial that the mcu has created space for this conversation. in that vein, and because i have genuinely enjoyed the show for many reasons that i wish not to detract from, i would like to expand on this space by discussing ways in which the show could have engaged more thoughtfully with its themes of racialized trauma.

for your consideration, a list of the show’s side characters who identity as bipoc, and how their arcs in fact work to reify certain stereotypic portrayals of race in tv/film/etc:

isaiah bradley: the military-sanctioned super soldier program that experimented on bradley for 30 years in jail is a clear allusion to the tuskegee study in the mid-1900s, which subjected black bodies with syphilis to decades of unethical experimentation, including the withholding of life-saving treatment, in order to study the natural progression of the disease. i actually think his conversations with sam were so important to have. it’s the first explicit mention of race that problematizes the shield as a symbol. sam comes to acknowledge that it also stands for a country that has built itself on the backs of black (and immigrant) bodies - and that is where they mean for these bodies to stay, through exploitation of labor, medicalized violence (tuskegee being only one example of many), police brutality, the segregation of schools, discriminatory housing and criminal justice systems, and so on. my issue is that these systems of oppression are so deeply rooted that to skim the bare surface - to present this one singular narrative - is reductive of a longstanding history that does not live externally to the mcu and is frankly not going to cut it. waiting until episode 5 to have this conversation was also a disservice to sam. maybe his own generational trauma was too internalized for him to have the language to express it. but if the show had addressed this better and sooner, it would come off less as sam trying to move through the world thinking he’s just like any other guy who also happens to be a superhero. when he goes to the bank with sarah, flaps his ‘wings’ and still doesn’t qualify for a loan; or when he chides a kid for referring to him as ‘black falcon’ rather than, simply ‘falcon’ - these moments reinforce the idea that the lived experience of his blackness is not fully realized until bradley forces this articulation upon him. it is as though sam could not already be aware of their collective racialized trauma without the ‘revelation’ of bradley’s personal trauma writ large that he endured as a super soldier. which is just weird and inconsistent given what sam has been through, including his own troubled relationship with the military. for sam to take up the shield is not a ‘solution’ to racism, any more than the shield is a symbol of heroism, when its legacy stems from a country of deeply imperialist and colonialist roots.

lemar hoskins: relegated to the black best friend stereotype aka sidekick to the main white character. his two most memorable scenes function mostly in service of john walker’s story - firstly in walker’s decision to take the serum, and secondly as the catalyst to walker’s grief, rage and vengeance that will utterly transform him. this development of walker’s character can only occur through the literal death of another black body.

literally every east asian character, but specifically leah, yori and yori’s son rj: these characters are the least fleshed out on their own, as they all exist solely to lend more depth to bucky’s trauma. i say this because though yori is grieving, his grief is all secondary to bucky’s guilt over being the cause of that grief. leah, who plays a love interest for her five seconds of screen time, becomes yet another of countless examples of the fetishization of asian female bodies. (all of this is particularly tone-deaf in the wake of rising anti-asian hate crimes, and the mass killing of asian female spa workers by a man who wished to eliminate ‘temptation’ for his sexual addiction.) also, it would be nice to see a show finally lean away from the asian food establishment setting for its asian characters. that is not the only place they eat and work and also go on dates after they work????

olivia walker: a great example of tokenism that checks multiple boxes (‘look how diverse our cast is - and we have an interracial couple!’) even though she speaks 0-2 lines throughout the whole show.

karli morgenthau and co: the actress who portrays karli is half-jamaican, and it is not hard to notice that the overwhelming majority of the radicalized flag-smashers group are bipoc as well. at surface level it might make sense for the show writers to choose this kind of representation - the ‘displaced’ are all members of marginalized communities, and racial diversity (i.e., diversity from the norm, i.e., not-white) is the easiest way to depict these communities. but for this reason, it also seems that the show could not be more careless with the parallels it has drawn to our current climate. during a global pandemic, which has disproportionately affected those already most disenfranchised; increased our obsession with border control; and galvanized movements against racialized violence, perhaps the last thing we need right now is a narrative that vilifies a marginalized group of people trying to combat structural oppression (operationalized in this case by the grc, which has a clear militaristic and political pedigree*). perhaps the last thing we need right now is a narrative in which marginalized people gain the power to enact change (i.e., serum), but only know how to use that power to cause more harm.

*please note: the senator who grants walker his other than honorable discharge is one and the same as the talking head of the grc. who gave this guy all the power, and what good is he using it for? this may be a hot take but the government + military washing their hands of walker and taking zero responsibility for their role in his making is not great for ‘optics’ either. but the show, for all its moralizing, doesn’t seem to be aware of the dissonance here?

#the falcon and the winter soldier #tfatws #tfatws spoilers #tfatwsdaily #marveldaily #dailyavengers #race #racism #racial politics #thcrin #userbells #thank you for coming to my ted talk #a gentle reminder that #enjoying a thing #and engaging critically with the thing we enjoy #are not mutually exclusive!#curious to know other people's thoughts

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vanderlindemorgans · 3 years

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Cross My Heart (Chapter 5)

Pairing: Agent Whiskey x Reader

Rating: Explicit/18+

Summary: A traitorous Agent Whiskey returns to the United States on the run. Being cast out by Statesman, he soon finds that you’re the only person he can turn to - the embittered former flame from years long passed

Word count: 7.5k

Warnings: Eventual smut, some references to alcoholism and drug use. Reader is in her late twenties but there is an age gap between her and Whiskey. Chapter specific warnings: one scene takes place in a hospital, some medical talk, more heavy drinking, talk of death and alcoholism (specifically related to drunk driving), mentions of drug addiction, Whiskey being a dick, lotta heavy topics in general.

Read on AO3 | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter | Masterlist

“Alright, so the X-Rays have come back and as you can probably already guess your left arm has been fractured”.

The news hadn’t been a shock to you at all - it was only logical that the result of being thrown off the back of a horse was your arm breaking from the impact of the fall, nevermind the sheer amount of pain that it had already caused you was even more indication that something was definitely wrong there. All things considered, it still wasn’t a pleasant piece of news to receive, causing you to let out a low groan as you settled back into the hospital gurney they had allocated to you after the ambulance had pulled you in. Dressed in only a hospital gown, you felt the chill from the room's air conditioning prick the edges of your skin, the coolness of temperature making the whole experience even more foreign to you. Of course, it wasn’t like you’d never been to a hospital before - an unlucky bout of croup had sent you to the emergency room as a little kid when you’d almost stopped breathing. At the resurgence of that particular memory you felt yourself shudder, recalling the hours spent passed out in a brightly lit room and being forced to drink gross tasting liquid that was meant to clear up your airways. At least you weren’t choking on your own breath this time round.

“Well that’s just fantastic. How long will it take to heal? I kinda got a ranch to run” you asked the doctor, who was standing off to the side consulting the clipboard nestled against his arm. Sighing, he looked up at you with a look of sympathy while he ran through the information he’d jotted down on his notes. “Usually it takes twelve weeks for fractures to heal - given the fact that a good part of your arm has been displaced you’ll need to be put into surgery to shift the bone back into place, which we’ll have scheduled for you in the next twenty-four hours. Afterwards, I’ll be putting you in a cast for a couple of weeks and you’ll have to come back in for checkups weekly. I’ll also give you a list of rehabilitation exercises you can do to ensure the recovery process goes as smoothly as possible” he explained. “After your surgery and subsequent discharge, I heavily recommend a few days bed rest due to the concussion you have sustained”.

“So I’m guessing most physical labour is out then” you muttered under your breath, sighing once you realized how heavily this would impact your ability to keep things running smoothly back at the ranch. Yes, you had employees but without you to oversee everything things would slow down and descend into madness real quickly. You wished you had allocated some sort of second in command for times like this, a manager of sorts to keep things in place while you recovered but you’d just never gotten around to it, brushing the thought aside every time it sprung up with a simple “Why would I need extra help anyway? Nothing ever happens around here”.

“You’d be correct on that. Now, I have some other patients to check on but I will be back in about 20 minutes or so to prep you for surgery, though I will send a nurse to give you some painkillers so you can stop feeling the worst of the pain for at least a little while” he replied. You went to thank him but before you could you felt a light touch graze along your right arm. Your eyes glanced over to where Jack’s hand was placed, his touch delicate and comforting, sparking that same feeling in your chest that you’d felt when he’d stroked your forehead back at the ranch. His eyes met your own for a moment, deep cedar brown looking at you with nothing more than concern and worry, somehow pulling at a single string of your heart even though you wanted to fight against it with all your might.

Snapping you focus back into place, you nodded back over to the doctor and thanked him for all he was doing, listening to his reassurances that he’d have you fixed up as soon as possible as he hurried on out of the room to his next patient in need. Once he was gone, you exhaled in annoyance and went back to staring aimlessly at the ceiling, mulling over the inconvenience of your predicament.

“Everything ok, sugar?” you heard Jack ask you, feeling his enchanting eyes study your expression, his anxiety over your wellbeing plain as day. Letting out a small laugh, you returned his question with a small smile of your own. “Does it look like I’m ok?” you joked, gesturing vaguely to your fractured arm.

He chuckled at your sarcasm, always enjoying that certain fire you had to your character that refused to silence itself. Unbeknownst to you, that was one of things that drew him towards you in the first place - his own air of cockiness and confidence was equally matched by your spitfire and sarcastic wit. Finding out the sweet disposition that lay behind that harshness the first time round had taken him by complete surprise, but only did more to endear himself to you. God, he was such a fool for losing that. He was certain that your sweetness was still there, closed behind even more layers of hurt and pain that he’d caused such a large hand in.

From the moment the ambulance had arrived, Jack had stayed beside you, refusing to leave for even a single moment. It was quite endearing, truth be told, a feeling that attempted to worm its way through your steadfast reasoning against him. He’s a liar. Don’t fall for his shit again, you repeated to yourself. Though it was becoming harder and harder to continue regarding him as your greatest mistake when he was behaving so kindly and gentlemanly towards you. Just a part of his deceptive charm, I guess, you thought bitterly.

“Y’know, you don’t have to worry about things gettin’ outta hand down at the ranch. I’m more than happy to step up and help” he spoke up, snapping your attention back to his words and out of your own contemplation. You thought about his proposal for a minute, the temptation to say yes seeming very appealing towards you, though somehow that felt like admitting to weakness. The ranch wasn’t his responsibility, it was yours, left to you by your dear parents. It was your obligation to run it in their stead - there’d been difficulties along the way, sure, including the occasional nasty cold every now and then but you had pulled through without any trouble. You didn’t need help or any sort of handout, and you were more than capable of taking care of business by yourself, even with a broken arm.

Then again, it is gonna be kinda hard to run a business while being confined to bed rest. Briefly you thought about just closing the ranch for a couple of days while you got back on track yet once you thought about the loss in profits you discarded that idea quickly. It wasn’t like you were struggling to make ends meet but a dip in profits could cause a bit of issue.

“Yeah but...It’s my responsibility. I can’t just ignore that because I got a stupid broken arm” you rebuffed, though you didn’t sound entirely convinced of what you were saying yourself. Sadly, stubbornness was your nature and even if you knew you were fighting a losing battle, sometimes it was more about the principle of having a position rather than whatever thing you were debating over. Some would say that was quite a counterproductive way to look at things, and you’d agree with them, yet you still remained stubborn in spite of them, feeding back into the cycle.

“Darlin’, with all due respect, I think what’s best for you is that you take a step back and let someone else take the reins. You need to allow yourself to rest a lil. Tell me, in all the years of runnin’ the ranch by yourself, have you ever once taken a day off?”.

“No, but-”.

“Exactly as I thought. You’ve been doing an amazing job at keeping things together for all these years, sweetheart, but you gotta relax a bit. Let me help you” he interrupted, gazing at you with those heart-meltingly sweet eyes of his, a look which made you seize up ever so slightly in minor fake annoyance. Little shit, he had to be doing that on purpose.

“Fine, only if it’ll get you to shut up” you relented, rolling your eyes in a dramatic fashion and hitting your head back down into the pillow below, eliciting a playful smirk from him in return. “That’s my girl, stubborn as always” he jested.

To that you cocked an eyebrow at him in disbelief. “Your girl? Careful there, Jack, for a minute I thought you were capable of genuine compassion and care. I may have once been your girl, cowboy, but not anymore. Or did you happen to forget?”.

His own expression softened slightly in regards to your snide remark, his mischievous grin faltering while he turned his gaze to the floor, looking somewhat sheepish towards what you had said, a far cry from his usual air of arrogance. “Yeah, I guess I deserve that” he murmured. “Tell me, sugar, do you ever think one day you’ll believe me when I say that I’m sorry?”.

“When pigs fly, dearest” you smiled with a shit-eating grin, though you couldn’t miss that momentary flash of hurt in his eyes that made you pull back, a sharp pang striking through your chest that hurt harder than the agonizing ache in your arm, which really, was saying something. Could that be...guilt, perhaps?, you thought, searching Jack’s face for any further sign of offense. If he was feeling hurt, he was doing a pretty stellar job at hiding it. Maybe it was nothing, and even if he was hurt, well, he said it himself, he deserved it. Without giving you another minute to ponder your own feelings, a welcome interruption in the arrival of a nurse found you, shifting your thoughts towards the relief of finally getting some painkillers into you.

___

The surgery had gone over well, and after a grueling day spent hanging out in that hospital room hopped up on painkillers you were finally discharged late afternoon the following day. The worst of your concussion had cleared itself up too yet you were still confined to your bed for those first few days - the doctor was insistent on that fact, saying you could never be too careful. You’d begrudgingly complied, not wanting to cause any further problems to your health, and even if you had tried to go against the doctor’s orders, you knew that Jack would be there to send you off back to bed if you dared lift a finger.

Jack had doted on you the entire time, making sure you were well hydrated and cool enough in the midst of the hot Texas summer, fetching you snacks and whatever else you needed from downstairs. In his own words, what kind of man would he be if he didn’t take care of an ailing woman. You’d rolled your eyes and insisted that he didn’t have to go all out with looking after you yet he’d insisted. It was somewhat heartwarming, and it felt nice to be taken care of again after those last few years alone. It reminded you of when you’d come down with the flu back in third grade, staying home in bed lazily watching television and barely being able to keep your eyes open while your mum made soup in the kitchen. You could feel your heart drop at the mere recollection of your parents, pain that stayed beneath the surface rising up in full force. Usually you pushed those feelings down, not wanting to become distracted from the business, but today, you allowed yourself the indulgence of missing them. What would they think if they could see you now? Would they be proud, or disappointed?

Feeling your stomach grumble, you shifted over in bed and reached your only good arm out to grab onto the half-eaten grilled cheese Jack had brought in for you five minutes before, letting out a low wince at the pain that writhed through your other arm, which had been placed into a cast and sling for the time being. Already you couldn’t wait for the day you could get the damned thing taken off - you hadn’t been able to shower and you felt grotty and gross. It wasn’t like you had to impress anyone, it was just you and Jack lying about the place. Still, you could only take so many days of waking up with unwashed greasy hair. And it was itchy too. Oh dear god, it was fucking itchy. You’d heard about how itchy the plaster could get second-hand but you never anticipated it to be that bad.

Directing your eyes to the clock on your bedside, you took notice of the time and let out a small relieved sigh. You could finally take another one of those painkillers, the fourth and dismally last one for you of the day.

Your relief quickly fizzled out into disappointment when you realised the packet of painkillers that had been sitting by your bedside was empty. “Seriously? It’s only been a few days, I couldn’t have gone through them already…” you muttered to yourself in annoyance. Nevermind, there was another packet downstairs. You may have been perfectly capable of getting out of bed and retrieving it yourself, though you found yourself not wanting to be bothered with such a task. “Hey Jack, you there? I ran out of painkillers, could ya run some up to me?” you called out.

“Sure thing, sweetheart” you heard him shout back, and no more than two minutes later he was striding through your bedroom door, carrying exactly what you had requested within his palms. “How are you feelin’?” he asked.

“No better than six minutes ago when you last asked me that. Thanks for bringing these up though, fuck that stupid horse for bucking me off” you grumbled, sniping the blessed white packet out of his hands and into your fingers. “Pain making you grumpy, sweet girl? You seem a bit more full of spitfire than usual today” he joked.

“Nah, you’re getting the discounted version today. If I wanted to vocalise exactly what I was feeling right now you’d be obliterated in a second” you laughed, chucking a tablet into your mouth and washing it down with a large gulp of water, anxious to feel some semblance of relief.

“You don’t say. How’s your head doing, though? No dizziness or anything like that?”.

“I’m fine, Jack, I promise. You don’t have to fawn all over me just because I broke my dumb arm” you assured, rolling your eyes at him.

“I wouldn’t call in fawning, I only want to make sure you're comfortable and all that. Not only because of your arm and all” he smiled gently, reaching out to brush a stray hair off your forehead. It could have been the heat of the room but you could have sworn your skin felt on fire the moment he touched you. You could feel him press the back of his fingers against your head, unconsciously allowing your breath to hitch at his touch. And just like that, the warmth of his hand was gone, leaving an invisible searing mark in its place and your own head full of frenzied and confused thoughts.

“Like I said earlier, just call out if you need anything else, alright darlin’?” he said as he was leaving, words that you didn’t care to take notice of as he left you to yourself again. Blinking slowly, you couldn’t even fully begin to describe what had just taken place, or why one little gesture was throwing your mind into somersaults. Why did his mere touch have to affect you like that? Why couldn’t he just leave you alone? Groaning loudly, you settled yourself underneath the sheet covering you and huffed at nobody in particular, cursing both yourself and him for even existing. For fucks sake...

___

Taking a sip of bourbon from your glass, you leaned against the side of the stairs of the veranda with your gaze fixated off into the distance, though you didn’t take any notice of what lay ahead, lost deep in your own thoughts that clouded your mind. It’d been a couple more days, and you’d finally been able to get out of bed and get back to helping out around the ranch - not that you were still of any use to anyone, given the state of your arm. It felt good to be back overseeing things, albeit a bit more behind the scenes than you had been in years. It’d be a good month or so before you were able to move your arm properly and have things back to normal. At first that fact did nothing short of irritating you, since you weren’t one to lie about helpless when work needed to be done. Over the last few days though, seeing the ranch go about with business as usual with Jack’s extra help had put you at ease a little. It still bothered you somewhat that you had to be asking any sort of help from Jack Daniels of all people, though really, he was the one offering it in the first place so you hadn’t so much as asked him to do anything, moreso conceding to his instistance at the behest of your stubbornness.

The pain was getting a little better too, though whether that had more to do with the painkillers or not remained to be seen. For example, you couldn’t feel anything now but you had just ingested two glasses of pure straight bourbon, so of course any type of pain would be numbed. Remember when it could numb more than just that? You let out a small snicker at the thought, sounding as hollow and empty as it felt. Once upon a time you might have been classed as relatively lightweight, a fact that changed after years of the trials and tribulations life had thrown your way. You still got drunk easy, but it took a good few glasses before you actually passed out.

“You know, you should let me sign that for ya”.

Hearing that familiar voice ring out from behind you, you swivel around so see its owner standing right in the opened doorway of your home, his hands casually resting in his pockets and his frame leant against the wall. “What are we, in middle school? I don’t want it getting dirty” you scoffed, rolling your eyes at him for good measure.

He smirked right back at you, letting out a small snicker that mirrored your own. “Why not? It’s not like you're gonna have to be wearin’ it forever. A little scribble in permanent marker wouldn’t do ya any harm” Jack grinned, taking a large step forward to descend down to your level, seating himself right next to you on the veranda. You cocked an eyebrow at him, letting your fingertips trail over the edge of the glass in your hands while you stared at him with utter audacity. “And yet I know you’re only so persistent in signing it because you’ll write something crude or vaguely flirty” you snipped.

“How little you think of me, sugar. I’d never dream of doin’ such a thing. I am nothing if not a gentleman”.

“Oh, do cut the charm, Jack. What is it you want?”.

“Please, can’t a man share a glass of bourbon with a lady without being subjected to the Spanish Inquisition?” he asked, wearing his devilish and frustratingly charming grin as he spoke, the appearance of which you swore made your cheeks flush a little bit hotter. Probably because of the alcohol...and it is hot out here after all...

“Not this lady, cowboy” you stated, gulping down the last dredges of bourbon in your glass and placing it back down to the floor with a thud. You went to go grab the bottle from beside you but found Jack had already snatched it up, pouring you another glass. Mumbling out a small thank you, you considered asking him if he wants a glass of his own, however once you caught sight of his silver Statesman issued flask in his hands you dismissed the idea entirely. With nothing else left to say, you glanced back up to the sky above towards where the moon was hanging over you two, the delicate light illuminating the stretches of countryside around your property in a soft glow, one that was both enchanting and eerie at the same time. Every now and then you would be reminded of how beautiful the Texan countryside could look, whether it be bathed in the rays of that damned blistering sun or the enigmatic glimmer of moonlight. It could pull you back to moments lost in time, years ago sitting right where you were in that very same spot, seven years younger and with the exact same man sitting beside you, head rested on his shoulder and looking out into the vast expanse of midnight black. Funny how things change, don’t they?

Out the corner of your eye you saw Jack shake his head, his eyes quiet, the sparkle of stark confidence bordering on plain arrogance missing. It was a similar look to the one he’d given you at the hospital that night, before he’d tried to cover it up with a certain facade of indifference. “What will it take for you to believe I’m sorry? What happened between us, it was all-” he started before being unceremoniously cut off by your interjection.

“In the past? I’m well aware of that. Doesn’t change how I feel” you stopped him. You’d anticipated him throwing out that line from day one and you’d come prepared. Shut it down. Don’t let him try to swindle you for a fool.

His expression changed to one more serious, a hint of him being slightly miffed that you cut him off in the first place. “Let me finish, darlin’. I’m gonna level with you for a second - what I did to you was one of the worst mistakes of my life. Letting everything fall apart like it did, I never should have let it happen” he expressed, his tone straddling between being firm and also being gentle. Cocking an eyebrow at him, you turned back to your glass of liquor, swirling the liquid around idly in a way that reminded you of that persistent thought running round your head. Did he have a point? Were you being too harsh on him?

Don’t become soft on him. Don’t do it. You shifted back into focus, pushing those thoughts far to the back of your tipsy mind while you took a couple large sips of liquor as if it were a lifeline. “Worse than whatever mistake led you to showing up on my doorstep?” you asked, eager to direct the conversation right back out of that uncomfortable territory and into something a bit more easier to stomach. Maybe later on you could ponder the true depths of your perceptions of Jack. Right now, though, you wanted to get wasted and not have to think about anything anymore. And hey, it’s not like I wasn’t wondering about the events that led him here in the first place anyway.“You never did tell me what happened. I know you said it was none of my concern but...I want to know. Call it a spate of drunken curiosity, if ya want”.

The question alone was enough to draw Jack’s face from being merely serious to an expression more cold and distant. He looked away from you entirely and rested his gaze to the few steps below the two of you, his hand clenching in a subconscious act that alone was enough to tell you his own reservations regarding the topic. “Truth is, I’ve been fucking things up for a good couple of years. What happened to lead me here, well, it ain’t a pretty story”.

“I don’t care, Jack, I wanna know” you asserted, surging with a sense of fiery confidence. It might have been the alcohol giving you a bit more moxie to push the topic. One thing was for sure though: you wanted answers, and you didn’t wanna let this go. Stretching your legs out, you finished off the glass you had while you waited for him to reply, not wanting to cave to your request even if he was looking at you like you’d threatened to kill the President.

Finally, he let out a low groan of annoyance and leant against the side of the veranda, not affording you a single look as he launched into his tale. “Basically what happened is some agents from an English based secret service came over to the states as a last resort - their base got blown up by someone and the two guys that approached us were the only ones left alive. Well, them and this other guy we had at our headquarters, but that’s a whole other story. The people behind the attack were a group called the Golden Circle, and Statesman had already been investigating them for awhile. I was called in by Champ to partner up with the Kingsman fellas, do the regular secret agent spiel of espionage and savin’ the world and all that crap. But, me and these other agents, we had an...ideological disagreement. I was covertly tryin’ to hinder them until the older guy got wise to my shit and shot me in the head. Ginger managed to bring me in and revive me, I went over to Cambodia where the two agents were confronting the leader of the Golden Circle, and to make a long story short things got nasty pretty quickly. I barely escaped with my life” he explained.

You nodded along to his explanation, the load of information being a lot to take in the first time round. You were always somewhat aware of Jack’s position as a secret agent though you were never privy to the nitty and gritty details - in fact, the way you’d found out about it in the first place was by complete accident and Jack had to beg Agent Champ to allow you to become cleared on even knowing the basics of his true work behind the front of being a Statesman investor. “And these ideological disagreements were…?” you pushed.

“Trust me, you don’t wanna know” he deflected.

“Try me”.

He didn’t reply to you straight away, instead staring at you with a stark look of confliction across his face, an inner turmoil brewing inside of him on whether or not he should tell you even more. Being cast out as a traitor, he didn’t have to worry about breaking any sort of rule of confidentiality, so if you had to wager a guess at what his dilemma was, then it must have been that he felt mildly ashamed, or even embarrassed about the whole situation. In your mind though, you’d let him keep his secrets for weeks now, but if he was going to stay in your house you wanted to at the bare minimum know what he did that was so bad that he simply couldn’t return back home anymore. “Well go on then, hit me with your best shot” you prodded further, hopefully enough to get his demeanour to crack and for him to spill what exactly the entire fuss had been about. And sure enough, crack he did.

Running a hand across his forehead, he let out a low exasperated sigh, one that would have been inaudible if you hadn’t been seated beside him, indicating the exact moment he finally decided to break his own silence and reveal everything to you. “The Golden Circle were primarily a drug cartel and terrorist organization based out in the hidden depths of the Cambodian jungle. Their leader had devised a plot that involved lacing their distribution of drugs with a new type of chemical she created that caused death. Since their supply was mass distributed over the globe, they were holding the entire populace of drug users and addicts hostage to their respective governments, demanding a payout for the antidote. They didn’t, however, anticipate the President and other world leaders not really giving a red hot shit about the lives of junkies. Being the noble men they are, the Kingsman agents as well as the rest of Statesman were striving to get ahold of the antidote to save all those people. And that, is where me and them disagreed” Jack elaborated, avoiding your gaze in what appeared to be a calculated move in order to refrain from seeing your reactions to his admittance. In the span of two minutes, your expression had shifted from intense curiosity to straight up bafflement at what he was saying. It didn’t make sense - why was he against distributing the antidote? He was a secret agent, wasn’t he meant to save the world and innocent lives and all that?

“Let me get this straight - you were assigned on a mission to try to save the lives of innocent people, and you chose...not to do that” you asked, your tone laced with judgment. Not that you had intended for what you said to have come across any different. If what he was implying was right, then that would mean...

“Well, when you put it like that, sure, it sounds awful. I will concede, it wasn’t my best move. But all the people who ingested those drugs did so willingly. They knew they were taking a gamble on their lives the moment they stuck a damn needle into their arms” Jack grumbled defensively, allowing you to gawk back at him in utter disbelief. “Jack, no, you can’t seriously believe that? So what you’re saying is that the kid that decided to get high with his mates one weekend at a party deserves to die? Is that right?”.

“No, no, I didn’t mean like that, I just…”.

“Really? ‘Cause it sounds a lot like you’re saying that innocent people should die for their poor choices” you cut in, shaking your head to further drive your point in. “Jesus, just when I thought you couldn’t be a bigger asshole you proved me wrong”.

“Sweetheart, please, I know. It was a mistake, you don’t have to keep rubbing it in”.

“You know it’s a mistake, but do you truly feel it? Do you really feel remorse? Because if you don’t then it’s just a bunch of empty words” you rebuffed, shooting him with a cold piercing glare that could make an entire continent freeze over. Around about this time, you really began to take notice of the dazed feeling clouding you, every glass of liquor draining straight into your brain and making you feel like your entire head was swimming. Maybe take it easy on the next glass, why don’t ya? With that thought, you shoved the glass off to the side with your free arm and bit your lip, debating whether or not you should even say what you wanted to next. That debate, however, did not last very long as you found yourself blurting out exactly what was on your mind within two seconds of your last thought. “Jack, look...maybe I’ll hate myself for saying this later, and maybe it’s just the liquor talking but I don’t think you’re an inherently bad person. I think you’re an arrogant son of a bitch who does cruel stupid things but probably has a decent enough heart. You just...you gotta stop with this shit. Stop with the betrayals, and the lies, and the false promises, all of it, and just be the real you. The Jack I knew may be a prick but he was never one to let an innocent die on his watch. What’s really behind all this?”.

He continued to glare from his position beside you, somewhat intent on making you recant and drop the whole subject entirely. You wouldn’t go down that easy though, and he knew it, for as stubborn as Jack was you were at least ten times moreso, so when he folded first and trained his eyes low to the ground, you knew that he’d finally conceded. You could feel a whole shift in his demeanour from where you sat, the mask of defensive anger slowly falling away to reveal what was truly underneath: hurt. Pure, raw, unbridled hurt. Anguish that felt especially familiar to you and spoke to a part of yourself that you’d been turning away from for years, and even before he said those words you knew exactly what he was going to say.

“Years ago, before I became an agent to Statesman, I was married to the young woman I’d fallen for in high school. I think I told you about her in passing maybe once, or twice, I don’t know…” Jack started, trailing off once he began to fully re-immerse himself in the past, heartache plainly sewn across his features. It was then that you felt an ache of your own in your chest, a heavy feeling of guilt descending upon you once you realised the gravity of what he was saying. “I remember. You said her name was Lily, wasn’t it?” you murmured, your voice small and unsure, with a hint of something else present too. Regret? Guilt? Whatever it was, you couldn’t quite put a name to it, but it was there, strong as anything and clearly wasn’t going away any time soon.

Jack let out a small hum in reply, everything about his composure presumably a million miles away from everything around the both of you.“So you do remember” he muttered, brushing his fingers over the edge of his silver flask that he had cradled in his handles, tracing the Statesman logo engraved on the side with the pad of his thumb. “I remember you askin’ me about her the first time you came back to my apartment in New York - you saw the photo of her I kept on my desk and asked who she was. I only told you briefly that she was long gone, but I never told you how. The both of us were only twenty-three, and she was pregnant with our first child, a baby boy. Last time I saw her she left the house to go to the convenience store a few streets over”. He stopped himself for a split second, the darkness of his eyes being the all-too recognisable sign of falling deep into his own recollection, feeling as if he was reliving every memory that he revisited in his mind. “Twenty minutes later I get a phone call from a cop, saying there’d been an incident. Meth addicts had robbed the store at gunpoint and she’d been caught in the crossfire. She died instantly, and I wasn’t there to say goodbye. I never got to meet our baby boy, I never got to hold her in my arms again and say how much I loved her, because she was taken from me by a couple of meth-addled scumbags”.

You were honestly at a loss for words, not knowing if saying something would be the appropriate option or not. He was right, you knew he was married before - the time with the picture that he mentioned was the most you had heard of her. He never brought Lily up again, and you never thought to ask, since in your mind it wasn’t any of your business who Jack loved before. Now, the pieces were falling into place, the interwoven connections of his past to his actions as an agent making all the more sense to you.

What you wanted to do most was lean forward and envelop him into your embrace, tell him that you understood more than anyone what exactly that felt like, and even permit yourself to pour out your own heart to him. Drunk as you were though, you couldn’t talk yourself into doing anything more than placing a reassuring hand on his knee, letting your touch be soft and hesitant in case he shrugged you off, since you did basically just goad him into revealing his own wounds in the name of having answers. “Jack, I...I had no idea, I-”.

“How could you have known? I never told you” he mumbled flatly. In the dim veranda light, all though it was faint, you could swear that there was a teardrop lingering in the corner of his cedar brown eyes, nudging the dagger of guilt further into your heart. Say something, you idiot.

Starting off softly, you let your hand rest firmer on his knee, trying to catch his eyes into your own. Tearing his glance away from the flask, he looked back at you with the same raw grief that you had seen on your own face so many times. “I know it must have hurt like hell losing her. And you have every right to feel angry, and hurt that she was taken, but that doesn’t give you the right to hate. Every addict in the world is not the same man who took her life. You can’t just-” you started, before the sound of Jack’s harshest tone cut through your words like a knife.

“How would you know? Do you have any idea what it feels like to hurt, to have lost everything because of someone else’s choices?” he spat, anger seething in his scowl that was directed solely at you. It had taken you by surprise at first - as a reflex you withdrew your hand quickly from him as if he were burnt, perplexed at his sudden outburst. That didn’t last long however, as soon enough confusion was replaced by your own flair of anger. Now it was your turn to get defensive.“I think I do know what it’s like to hurt and to lose. In case you’ve forgotten, dickhead, there’s two people who should be right inside this house that aren’t anymore and haven’t been for about six fucking years now!” you yelled back.

Shit. He’d forgotten about your parents. The anger that had been in him disappeared without a trace right then, being replaced by something close to resembling remorse over his behaviour. “I...I didn’t mean...fuck, sugar, I…I’m sorry. I don’t even know what to say” he apologised. You didn’t say anything back to him. You didn’t want to dignify him with any sort of a response. First of all, how dare he? You were only trying to empathise with him, and here he was biting your head off for daring to suggest that he doesn't hate every drug user on the planet. Why do I even fucking bother?

The awkward silence between you hung for awhile, the two of you not wanting to break it for your own different reasons. You could feel Jack stealing glances at you, like he was trying to talk himself into saying something but never had the courage to follow through. Huffing to yourself, you took in your next glass fast enough to make your head spin. You’d have to turn in for the night eventually, and truth be told you were considering doing so right then when you heard Jack speak up.

“I never did ask...if you don’t mind me askin’ that is...what happened to your folks anyway?” he asked hesitantly, as if he knew the question was fat-witted to begin with. Not that you minded too much by then. Drunk you was a lot more forgiving than you were sober.

Taking in a heavy breath, you relayed your tale of woe to him, one hand placed steady to your side to keep you sitting upright. “It was late, and they were coming back from a friend’s 50th birthday party. Their friend lived in downtown Dallas, so they had a fair way to go to get from there to here. When they were almost on the highway, an out-of-control car barrelled towards them, smashing into the front of their windscreen and killing both of them instantly. The driver of the other car had been drinking - according to the local news he was a known alcoholic and had been out having a heated argument with his friend in the passenger seat. The only survivor of the entire collision had been his friend”.

You saw Jack blink at you in silent shock, the weight of your words falling heavily on him while he continued to process it all. “Shit, darling, I feel like an even bigger piece of shit than I already did. If you slapped me clean across the face and kicked me out on my ass after this I wouldn’t blame ya one bit” he replied to you solemnly in a way that didn’t leave you questioning the authenticity of his words - he was genuinely sorry this time round. Taking his apology in stride, you shrugged back at him and acted as nonchalant about the whole thing as possible, not wanting to ponder the topic further. As far as you were concerned, you’d felt enough things for one day and would very much like a break from it all.

“It’s fine. You had no way of knowing. But please, if you take anything from this, at least listen to my words: externalising hate towards random people only feeds your trauma. It doesn’t resolve anything, and the only person left suffering in the end is yourself”.

He furrowed his brow at you, most likely feeling a little defensive that the topic had circled back around to here, but considering his unruly display of anger earlier he wasn’t one to indulge in his own instinctual need to defend his position. “But...didn’t you want the man who took your parents away to suffer? Didn’t you look at every other drunk driving incident in the papers with a little more anger and rage than before?” he asked, earning a single eyebrow raise from you in return. “I mean...I guess what I’m trying to say is...it’s so easy to hate...why didn’t you fall into that trap?”.

“Well, I did, for a little. It was almost tempting to look at every person I saw struggling with alcoholism in red. Since the man who caused the collision was already dead as a result of his own mistakes, at times I’d externalise part of that pain I was feeling onto others, and sometimes that anger became so hot and so burning that it was almost impossible to ignore. I realised pretty quickly that hating alcoholics wasn’t going to bring my parents back and that I’d have to make peace with their passing at some point. Honestly, I still haven’t processed a lot of that shit myself yet I’m still out here living my life as best I can, and really, with my own drinking habits I’d be a goddamn hypocrite to even try to find any true hatred in my heart towards heavy drinkers” you explained. Taking one last sip of bourbon, you discarded your glass off to your side and chuckled lightheartedly. “God, If I drink another glass I’m gonna collapse on the fucking floor. Think it might be time for me to turn in for the night. At least it’s Sunday tomorrow so we can sleep in a lil”.

“Y-you’re goin’ to bed? You’re not telling me to get lost or anything?” Jack sputtered in disbelief, which in turn earned him a minorly strange look from you. “Why would I do that?” you asked.

“I quite literally just admitted to treason against my former organization to you”.

“So? You made a mistake. A pretty fucking big mistake, and a shitty one at that, but still, a mistake. You obviously have some of your own pain you need to work through, and I can get that. Doesn’t mean I agree with what you did, but I get it. I’m not gonna kick you to the curb just because you have issues”.Upon saying that, you hoisted yourself up by latching your free arm onto the veranda’s fenceline, stumbling a little as you fought to maintain your balance while being both drunk and unable to fully utilise one of your arms. Nevertheless, you’d managed to straighten yourself up, and once you’d determined that you were alright to take yourself upstairs you faced on towards the front door and grasped at the brass knob in your hands, taking a brief pause to turn back and nod softly towards the man behind you. “Night Jack, I’ll see ya tomorrow” you called out, leaving him to sit there and watch you disappear back into the house with a certain look of dumbfounded astonishment.

Tag list (lemme know if you wanna be added): @giselatropicana

#agent whiskey x reader #agent whiskey #jack daniels #jack daniels x reader #Kingsman #kingsman fanfiction #cross my heart #Kingsman: the golden circle #Pedro Pascal

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gem-rewatch · 3 years

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SU rewatch- S1E11- Arcade Mania

Hey, long time no see!

I’m desperately bored in solitary quarantine at university right now, and decided to try and pick this SU rewatch series up again for fun. It’s been a while since I’ve watched through the show in order. Plus, now that this show is completely finished, there’s plenty more connections to make. I can’t promise I’ll be consistent with this, but at the very least I can have fun trying to make a few more posts at my leisure.

Anyways. With that business out of the way. Let’s get right on to the show!

We begin with yet another mission Steven’s guardians have brought him along on! I believe this is the fifth mission we know of that he’s accompanied them on so far. (Lunar Sea Spire, Inverted Pyramid, the unknown mission he returns from in Tiger Millionaire, the desert, and now this one.) It’s really sweet seeing the Gems begin to trust him tagging along more often. There will come a day in the near future where missions become routine for Steven, but in these early episodes, you can really tell that each and every one is a brand new adventure.

In terms of plot, though, this episode is honestly Future Vision: The Prequel.

We learn a lot about Garnet’s abilities and her role in the team here, even if all of these details aren’t spelled out word-for-word quite yet. Hints towards her future vision we see this ep include:

Garnet moving ahead of the group to be in the perfect spot to catch Steven when he falls.

Her flawless moves while fighting and dodging the monsters.

Her becoming a master at the rhythm game later in the episode.

Like, damn. Look at this.

Look at her go.

My Q U E E N!

I had to gif all of this just because it’s such a beautiful and smooth sequence of animation.

If there’s one thing all of the Crystal Gems can 100% agree on, it’s that Garnet is friggin’ amazing.

Garnet: “Let them go. They’re just parasites. If they want to be a problem, they’ll have to answer to me.”

So, does this statement mean that- at this present moment- her extended stay at the arcade was entirely beyond her future vision? That the only futures she saw were ones where she was actually present to deal with containment of the Gem parasites? Given that later scenes insinuate she’d never been to the arcade before, and would have no “data” about its games to factor into her internal understanding of the world, this seems likely.

I adore the gradual palette change here, from shadow, to setting sun. It’s a nice detail that adds so much more life to what could otherwise be a rather mundane transition scene. It seems like unique palettes were more common in early SU- I wonder why Crewniverse stopped implementing these as often later on?

Pearl, entering the arcade: “Humans find such fascinating ways to waste their time.”

Thanks, Pearl. Love you too. <3

This sequence of Pearl failing at playing a car chase/road rage game hits so much different knowing what happens in Last One Out of Beach City. It’s genuinely radical how far she grows in confidence from this point, because here, she seems so shackled to rules and guidelines. Now that we know about her rebellious past, it might be tempting to write this characterization off as “early series weirdness,” but... I don’t think that’s what’s happening here.

Instead, I wonder if she’s working through grief-related regression.

Think about it... the pain of Rose’s passing is still so fresh for her. She was a rule breaking rebel once, yes, but she spent all of those days at Rose’s side. And I get the sense that she’s poured so much of herself into keeping Rose safe, into the rebellion against Homeworld, that without those, she’s caught in a vacuum. What IS her purpose now, when the very person she rebelled for is gone?

So she slips back into old pearl-like habits. Chronic rule following, and a fear of deviating from norms. How familiar. Thankfully, much of her arc throughout the show is her directly growing beyond these habits to live boldly as her own Gem.

The friggin video game when Garnet knocks its head off: “TELL MY WIFE I’M SORRYYY!!!”

Yo, what the fuck. This line is both hilarious and messed up, all at once. Please tell me the game isn’t sentient.

Aaaand here we finally introduce Garnet to the video game sensation that is Meat Beat Mania! This game is perfectly suited to her and her power of foresight because its patterns are algorithmic and not vulnerable to spontaneous deviations, and thus easy to predict, with enough input. She’s probably getting a quick rush of satisfaction with every correct move, and she barely has to exert any energy with her future vision to get that rush. After years and years of wading through endless possibility at every avenue, this video game’s patterns must be a rejuvenating breath of fresh air.

It’s addicting.

...Kinda makes me think of how I get sometimes when I play solitaire on my phone for an hour straight. After a while, I barely even think, I’m just shuffling through my deck and moving cards almost on automatic. I don’t have to use much energy to play, and it gives me animated fireworks every time I finish a match. It’s a win-win.

Amethyst: “I’MMA WIN AN AIRPLANE!”

I don’t know what it is about the way Michaela Dietz says the world “airplane,” but this makes me laugh every time. Does... does she think she can win a genuine airplane here because she saw Onion win a tiny motorbike from the ticket booth?? Amethyst, oh my god. XD

She’s got the spirit, this wild child.

So, moving on- we meet up with our crew later the next morning, Garnet nowhere to be seen. There’s an interesting exchange I’d like to highlight real quick-

Pearl: “If we’re supposed to fight a giant foot, Garnet would let us know.” Amethyst: “Yeah, Garnet’s the boss!” Pearl: “Well, we’re all a team. Garnet just has heightened perception that guides us towards our mission objectives.”

Considering the specific phrasing Pearl uses here- “heightened perception” instead of “future vision-” did Garnet outright tell the two of them to not explain her powers, just like she told them not to mention she’s a fusion? Because I’m pretty sure no one ever uses the phrase “heightened perception” again in reference to her powers.

Given the fact that Garnet chose to keep the knowledge of Ruby and Sapphire under the table until she felt Steven could understand her better, my guess is that this is a similar scenario.

Ahah, I genuinely can’t tell if this is Steven being gullible, or just impulsively playing along with Amethyst’s antics. Still- gross, kid. Don’t wipe your wet cereal face on your shirt! Ew! :O

When he goes outside and starts to use a kiddy metal detector to scan for quarters... so THAT’S where he finds his arcade money! Because I can’t imagine Greg is financially able to give him that much to spend on non-essentials at this point in the show.

Okay, so... I just want to bring light to the fact that Garnet has literally been in this arcade ALL NIGHT LONG.

It was evening when she first arrived here- the sun was visibly setting in the background, and when Steven, Amethyst, and Pearl left, the sky was dark. But now it’s morning. Steven was just seen eating breakfast. And Garnet is STILL HERE.

Does this mean Mr. Smiley locked her IN? I have so many questions... Did he try to get her to leave, only to be intimidated by her complete lack of response? I would kill to know more about this interaction. Poor Mr. Smiley. That man deals with so much bullshit in this town, huh?

Geebus, is Garnet a solid wall. Previous episodes have shown Steven forcibly shoving whole tons of food, and swinging a mini-freezer over his head, and yet he can’t get her to budge even an inch.

I absolutely adore how he climbs up her frame like a koala, though, ahah. Cute.

Meat Beat Mania announcer: “That’s rare!!” Steven: “Oh my gosh...!”

I take these two lines as evidence that this is the first time Steven’s ever seen Garnet’s eyes. Specifically, the fact that there’s three of them. Which, makes sense- since Garnet is still really reserved emotionally at this point, and is only begins to get in the habit of taking her visor off to show Steven her full face later on in the show.

This expression deeply hurts me.

Steven’s so distraught here- because the others are in danger, the town is in danger, and he doesn’t have his trusty, dependable guardian who catches him when he falls and beats up scary monsters for him. Without her, the whole team is vulnerable and blind.

He feels alone. He feels... powerless.

And so he responds to that confusing, powerless feeling by trying to compensate with his own power. When all other routes he can think of fail, he smashes the video game console.

It... uh, it works... but once again, Steven entirely fails to consider the consequences, huh? He experienced a little bit of character growth in this regard in the episode Serious Steven, but even past that it’ll remain an recurring issue for him. Hell, his impulsiveness is a general character flaw even stretching into SUF.

In summary, though:

Poor Mr. Smiley. He works so hard, and doesn’t deserve this BS. ;-;

#su #su meta #steven universe #arcade mania #garnet #amethyst #pearl #mr. smiley #jen rewatches su

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