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eli0004 · 1 month

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AoT as songs during a breakup and why [Pt. 1 Men Edition]

[Contains: Eren, Armin, Jean, Connie, Reiner, Bertholdt, Levi]

Warnings: insecurity, implied cheating, drug use, pining, toxicity, crying

Author’s Note: WHEW 😅 Ik it’s been a minute, I’m feeling better now despite the small bursts of fatigue here and there. Back to writing 🫶

…

Eren- [Black Cats- ZillaKami]

After you two break up, Eren goes through three phases. Anger at you, anger at himself, and finally just trying to forget and pretend nothing ever happened. He’s the type of guy that smokes until he’s numb, and forces himself to ignore the heartbreak. If he broke up with you, he’ll probably be back in your DMs in a week. But if you hurt him, he’ll expect you to come back and apologize. The man is too prideful to beg.

Armin- [If Only- Fink]

Sweet Armin 🥹 baby boy, he blames himself. Even if the breakup was your fault, he’s thinking of all the ways he could’ve been better for you. He’ll run through every possible reason you felt like he wasn’t enough for you, any sign he missed that he wasn’t trying hard enough. He won’t get over you, even as the time passes, there will always be room in his heart that he’ll keep unoccupied in case you ever decide to come back for him. This boy will love you forever, even if it hurts.

Jean- [It’s Called: Free Fall- Rainbow Kitten Surprise]

Jean is a very emotional guy…in private. He won’t outwardly show how it affects him, he’ll go out with friends and make an appearance at parties like it’s no big deal. For the first while he’s able to fool himself too. It’s one night when he gets home after a trip to the lake with his friends and starts thinking about how quiet his evenings are without you, he breaks. He feels a bit hopeless, and frustrated that he can’t just turn it off. He doesn’t want to feel it, because he’s scared it will consume him. He’s scared that other people will recognize his vulnerability.

Connie- [Who Needs Love- Trippie Redd]

My man is a LIAR. Connie hates you. He’s talking shit, he’s saying you were toxic and he’s glad you’re gone. He doesn’t need you and he could have anyone he wants, so why be sad? Until he runs into you at a party and you drunkenly admit that you still love him. Suddenly the world is colorful again, and loving really is worth the pain.

Reiner- [Creep- Radiohead]

Even if Reiner isn’t a loser, in his own mind he is. He went into your relationship believing you deserved so much better than him, he never understood how you managed to look at him and see anything worth loving. Everything he ever did was to ensure your happiness, so if leaving him is what will make that happen, he’ll let you go. He’ll watch you post on your instagram story when you go on dates, he’ll see your happy lil smile and he’ll smile to himself, ignoring the tear that escapes his eyes and moistens his pillow. He tells himself that he’s just proud of you, and glad you’re doing well.

Bert- [Break- Alex G]

Bert is a loser, and he believes he’s a loser. It’s endearing, because he doesn’t understand how he managed to pull you in the first place. He would walk to the ends of the earth and back barefoot to make you happy, his love knows no bounds. He’s a certified simp and he doesn’t mind being called one, because he doesn’t see any reason not to be proud that others are acknowledging how diligently he loves you, how devoted he is to your happiness. When things end, he feels cheated and drained. Like it was all for nothing. The type of guy who will say he’ll never love again, and even if it’s not true, it will definitely be a long time before he does.

Levi- [Killer- Phoebe Bridgers]

Levi has some pretty significant abandonment issues. He’s another one that would do anything to see you smile, he believes that the more he does for you, the more worthy of love he is. He doesn’t see himself as lovable unless he can be of service. Even if he doesn’t show it, Levi can be pretty insecure. He knows he isn’t the most approachable, he can be blunt and brash, and he doesn’t always know how to be gentle. But your love makes him feel like he’s good. He’s not ready to give that up, and he’s thinking of all the ways he can show you he wants to make it work. He can’t accept that it’s over, and one way or another he’ll have you back in his arms.

#help i feel like this is garbage #i wrote it in like 20 minutes #attack on titan #aot #aot x reader #aot smut #aot headcanons #aot x y/n #levi ackerman #levi ackerman x reader #armin arlet x reader #eren jeager x reader #connie springer x reader #jean kirsten x reader #reiner braun x reader #bertholdt hoover x reader

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dykeninthdoctor · 4 years

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How does peter parker fit into eight by sleeping at last?♡

OKAY SO. SO. SO. SO. SO.

at his core, peter parker is an angry, upset, grieving child who was forced to grow up way too fast and holds a world of responsibility on his shoulders. he isn’t soft, or kind, unless he chooses to be, and that’s what he constantly does, that’s what we constantly see, him choosing to be kind, and yet he’s angry. he’s so so so hurt because he’s been through so so so much, and he doesn’t have control over his life at all. being spider-man gives him control, it’s a choice he makes, but even then he was forced into that role because of what happened with ben, because a death was on him and he could’ve stopped it but he didn’t, and he can’t let that happen again. so:

i remember the minute it was like a switch was flipped i was just a kid who grew up strong enough to pick this armor up and suddenly it fit

because of all of the trauma and grief and death he’s experienced, he’s got so much pain and hurt but before ben’s death, even after his parents died, he was still a child. he still had his youthful innocence. and then ben died and:

god, that was so long ago, long ago, long ago i was little, i was weak and perfectly naive and i grew up too quick

being spider-man means he has to witness even more pain, even more death, and it’s all on him, because peter parker has a guilt complex a mile wide and six feet deep. and if only he was stronger, if only he was better, then maybe people wouldn’t die on his watch anymore, maybe ben wouldn’t have died:

i want to break these bones 'til they're better i want to break them right and feel alive you were wrong, you were wrong, you were wrong my healing needed more than time

peter’s whole schtick is that he looks out for the little guy, he’s a friendly neighborhood spider-man, because those are his people, that’s where he comes from, his community, that’s who he sees himself in, and he’s different from them now, but he can use that difference to protect them, so:

when i see fragile things, helpless things, broken things i see the familiar i was little, i was weak, i was perfect, too now i'm a broken mirror

and i’ve been talking in vague terms so far, because this all applies to any version of peter, but now with the next verse, let’s talk about peter’s inevitable trust issues in the mcu that will come as a result of mysterio’s influence because boy oh boy he doesn’t trust anyone now, and i think every version of peter has issues letting people in because of how much pain he’s been through, but these lyrics especially apply to post-mysterio mcu peter:

but i can't let you see all that i have to lose all i've lost in the fight to protect it i can't let you in, i swore never again i can't afford to let myself be blindsided

this next part can apply to peter reaching out to anyone in his life for help, because he’s got so much responsibility and he doesn’t know what to do someone please help:

i'm standing guard, i'm falling apart and all i want is to trust you show me how to lay my sword down for long enough to let you through

because of the aggressiveness of the next verse and of my own personal view that peter lashes out, that peter knows how to hurt people and chooses not to, but he can and he does when he’s angry, this just screams to me that peter’s so so hurt and he doesn’t know how to ask for help anymore so instead he just tears himself apart in hopes that someone will see his weaknesses, because he’s not perfect, he can’t do everything right, he can’t save everyone, and he needs someone to tell him it’s okay, because he’s just a kid:

here i am, pry me open what do you want to know? i’m just a kid who grew up scared enough to hold the door shut and bury my innocence but here's a map, here's a shovel here's my achilles' heel

and this song tells a story, and throughout any of peter’s arcs, we see him grow. in itsv he grows to let people in and he realizes that it’s a strength, not a weakness, and i think mcu peter learns that on a similar level as well, because he lets ned help, he lets may help, he lets tony help:

i'm all in, palms out i'm at your mercy now and i'm ready to begin i am strong, i am strong, i am strong enough to let you in

in the same vein, though, peter does it himself when he needs to. he does whatever’s required of him to get the job done, to save whoever needs to be saved, and that’s his responsibility, because these are his people:

i'ma shake the ground with all my might and i will pull my whole heart up to the surface for the innocent, for the vulnerable and i'll show up on the front lines with a purpose

the most important part about peter’s character is that he always gets back up. no matter what happens, no matter what he faces, he always gets back up, and he becomes stronger from whatever happens. he gives his everything to his city, to protecting it, and if he falls down, he gets back up:

and i’ll give all i have, i'll give my blood, give my sweat an ocean of tears will spill for what is broken i'm shattered porcelain, glued back together again invincible like i've never been

so yeah that’s my meta on why peter fits this song uh really well it wasn’t meant to be this long so someone tell me if i need a line break or not but yeah whew i went off

#thank you anon for indulging me oh my god i didn't mean to do all this but i had to throw it out into the world #maybe i'll do this with more songs too because god tony and three...yeah...#if y'all didn't know these are enneagram types and peter IS an eight thank you that's all #peter parker #spider-man #peter parker meta #sleeping at last #aven.ask #anon #mcu

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sunsetsover · 4 years

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give us a rundown of ur thoughts about tonight's ep it's what we deserve

this is cute bc my rambly ass thoughts very rarely make sense and are just me screaming into the void generally but if u want it who am i to deny u!!!! also im sorry i know i promised u this yesterday but i had Stuff going on but anyways we’re here now!!!!

ok firstable let me direct u towards this post bc i have not stopped thinking abt it for the past few days and i cba to type it all out again but... Yeah

and actually i think i have MORE to add bc i just cannot get over how young ben looked throughout the whole scene like!!! and not even just his face (even tho his face looked so young too) but his body language!!! sittin there on his knees with his hands between his thighs looking so emotional and YOUNG and vulnerable like its fuckin me up sm

esp the way ben looked at callum’s hand when he signed ‘ok’ i think it was a moment of clarity for ben like he’s finally realized that callum is committed he’s in it for the long haul he’s willing to adapt and has already started!!! i feel like in a way it was a call back to when ben asked callum to prove that he really did love ben and that was ben realizing that callum HAS been proving it this whole time

and there’s smth to be said abt the fact that he could only allow himself to BE that overtly vulnerable BECAUSE callum had his eyes closed. like you can see the moment callum opens his eyes and looks at him ben catches himself and tries to put his walls back up and move on like none of it ever happened !! bc he’s scared of vulnerability!!! in his life vulnerability has always meant pain!!! but he’s trying!!!! he’s getting there!!! slowly but surely!!!

and the fact that callum knew exactly what ben was doing and why he was doing it and didn’t let him!!! not in a forceful way it was just like look at me!!! it’s fine!!! you’re safe!!! i love you too!!!! which only overwhelmed ben MORE to the point where he didn’t know what to do but kiss callum like god!!!!!!!!! god

callum telling him he loved him in sign!!!! the fact that that means callum has been sitting there in his flat googling ‘how to say i love you in sign’ and watching youtube tutorials and practising his signs wow rip

and everything callum said to even get to that point !!!!!! literally every word out of his mouth !!!! the fact that he apologised and said he didn’t mean to make ben feel bad was so important!!! the fact that he told ben how strong he is!!! and how amazing he is!!! and how amazing it is that he’s handling everything going on atm!!!! and telling ben that phil isn’t anywhere NEAR as strong as ben is and that if he doesn’t want anything to do with ben then that’s HIS problem not ben’s like that’s all i’ve ever wanted ANYONE to tell ben !!! i’ve wanted ben to hear that for so long!!!! and the fact that it was callum telling him those things and in such a beautiful vulnerable moment and the fact that callum assures him that even if he doesn’t have his dad at his side callum is there!!!! and he will continue to be there!!! just fuck off im crying and im never going to stop

i know i said it in my other post but the fact that ben bought so many presents for callum’s birthday and got up in the middle of the night to wrap them and they’re all in different paper........... like once they get more in tune with each other’s love languages it’s over for us bitches

the fact!!!!!!! that ben telling callum he loves him!!!!!! put tears in callum’s eyes!!!!!! it made him want to cry!!!!! bc he knows!!!!! he knows it’s not an easy thing for ben and he knows ben means it and just!!!!!!!!! that has fucked me up sm u don’t even know

and just the absolute poetry in the fact that in that moment callum can’t see and ben can’t hear like they’re restricted and yet they’re communicating anyway and vikki summed it up way better than i ever could but there’s just this undercurrent of just like.... seeing and hearing each other properly and being honest even tho they CAN’T see/hear each other and whew it’s a lot

the way you can hear ben’s breath shaking as he kisses callum like he’s so overwhelmed!!!!!!!! my baby!!!!!!!!

literally i’m never ever going to be over the vulnerability and the love and the honesty in that moment

and the second scene!!! the way they were just laying there looking at each other!!!!!!!!!!! they were just laying in bed and staring at each other until the early hours in the morning like can u imagine being that in love w someone that u just wanna lay there and look at them?? wish i could relate

ben apologising to callum!!!!!!! was so important!!!!!! acknowledging that he’s been a prat !!!!! but then explaining it’s bc he doesn’t really know how to be vulnerable like can u believe it was just 2 scenes but we got so much #blessed

(also callum telling ben he hasn’t been a prat which he HAS but it was callum’s way of saying ‘i know, i get it, i understand, i forgive you’ all rolled into one bye)

the way ben stroked callum’s hair and face as he apologised....... the way callum literally just reached out and touched ben’s cheek bc he needed to touch him....... and the way ben leaned up into callum’s hand....... yeah.gif

callum firmly telling ben needs to learn sign language!!!! he get’s it and he forgives ben, BUT changes have to be made and one of those is ben learning sign language!!! and yeah ben goes to make a (probably rude) sign w his hands (and the way callum instantly reacts tells me that whatever he was gonna do, it wasn’t the first time lmao) but he doesn’t argue or resist he just accepts it which!!!! growth!!!

ben looking at callum like this goodbye

callum’s thoughtful gift!!!! a watch that vibrates!!!!!! best boyfriend in the world award goes to callum highway

the fact that ben was like WELL SEEING AS THO WE’RE GIVING GIFTS and let callum open one of his 15 presents :-(

‘officer highway breaking all the rules ay?’ does he ever stop

it’s just the way the whole bed scene was just so soft and intimate but still THEM u know w the banter and the teasing like it didnt feel ooc it just felt like them :-(

and last but by no means least: ben saying ‘we’ll make a mitchell of you yet’ and the way callum just smiled and looked at ben???? like he can’t quite believe it??? which mood bc i can’t either??? i’m literally gonna be in my grave thinking about it like i don’t know how im ever supposed to move on

ben is going to make a mitchell of callum one day they’re going to get married thank you and goodnight

#ballum #eastenders #im dead serious i've not stopped thinking abt callum mitchell since the ep aired #anon #question

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written-rebellion · 4 years

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Perfect Distractions

A/N: whew! Lots to say, lots to make up for! I hope you’re all still here? After a whole lot of life happenings, I finally set a hard deadline for myself to get this done and here it is (on my 23rd birthday no less, bc that’s exactly the type of motivation I need)

First of all, I’m so so sorry for leaving so suddenly and for so long. The short of it is a very bad mix of family tragedy, extra stuff at work, and then a quick health scare made finding time to write this year veerrryyy difficult. But I’m back!! And I promise, even if we can’t ever make it back to that 2 posts a week schedule (I mean, I’ll try my best!!!), I won’t abandon this story completely. I love it so much, I have so much still planned, and hopefully *peers out* if you’re all still here with me, you love and miss these lovesick dorks too.

And thanks so much for the messages and comments in my absence too! They meant everything to me <3

And so in true fanfic community fashion, and because I do believe you’ve all waited long enough: Enjoy this ~3K, mostly smut chapter as my apology. Also, the first bit is taken from a prompt by @mo-nighean-rouge about guys and their girlfriend’s scrunchies, so enjoy that too!

And thank you all again, for not giving up on me!

Claire’s probably not drunk, Jamie only knows one dance, and as always, the facts of this fanfic are contrived specifically to make fluffy university/modern-day au scenarios. Please let me know what you think!

Part One: [Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] | Part Two: [Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [Chapter 3] [Chapter 4] | Part Three: [Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [Chapter 3] | Part Four: [Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [Chapter 3] | Part Five: [Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [Chapter 3] [Chapter 4] | Part Six: [Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [Chapter 3] | Part Seven: [Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [Chapter 3] | Part Eight: [Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [Chapter 3] [Chapter 4] | Part Nine: [Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [Chapter 3] [Chapter 4] | Part Ten: [Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [Chapter 3] | Part Eleven: [Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [Chapter 3] | Part Twelve: [Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [ Chapter 3] [Chapter 4] | Part Thirteen: [Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [Chapter 3] [Chapter 4] | Part Fourteen: [Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [Chapter 3] [Chapter 4] [Chapter 5] Part Fifteen: [Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [Chapter 3] | Part Sixteen: [Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [Chapter 3] | Part Seventeen: [Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [Chapter 3] | Part Eighteen: [Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [Chapter 3] | Part Nineteen: [Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [Chapter 3] [Chapter 4] | Part Twenty: [Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [Chapter 3] | Part Twenty-One: [Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [Chapter 3] | Part Twenty-Two: [Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [Chapter 3] [Chapter 4] | Part Twenty-Three: [Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [Chapter 3] [Chapter 4]

Part Twenty-Three: Timing | Chapter 5

“You’re like—really bad at this, huh?”

“I’m trying no’ to step on yer toes.”

“Ohhh,” Claire giggled, “Is that why we’re dancing on the off-beat?”

“Och, aye.” Even in the dim light of the hotel’s reception hall, he could already see the effects of her last few drinks painting her face in faint dustings of pink. “And it doesna help that ye’ve drank a bit more than I have.”

She narrowed her eyes at him, not disproving his statement in the slightest.

“I’m not drunk.”

“Never said ye were,” he chuckled, nuzzling her cheek with his nose. “Though, ye’re skin’s a bit warm, lass. Are ye alright?”

“It’s these damn curls. It’s too bloody hot!” She sighed, stepping out of his arms to reach up and shake out her hair but losing her balance in the process.

He rushed to steady her, laughing shamelessly all the while – and even more so when he saw her thoroughly displeased expression.

“I’m fine,” she said before he could even open his mouth.

He nodded, definitely believing her as he released her waist and put his hands up in good faith.

With a great deal more care this time, she gathered her hair up and away from her neck with a huff.

Poor wee thing.

With little more than a flick of his wrist, he was holding out a hair tie to her.

She blinked once. Twice.

“What is that?”

“Christ lass, how much have ye had?”

A moment to enjoy her pout at him.

“No, I know what it is. Why do you have one, I mean.”

It was his turn to blink at her then.

“I always carry one for ye, ‘round my wrist in case ye need it.”

More and more, her reactions – or in this case, lack thereof – did nothing to refute his overall judgement of her inebriation. It was a full 9 seconds of a genuinely blank, only slightly baffled, expression; he counted.

“You what—?”

She shook her head, seemingly gathering some semblance of coherence as she cupped his cheeks with both hands and kissed him.

“You—” She tried again. “—are a god amongst men, James Fraser.”

He chuckled, his hand skimming the back of her neck as he returned the kiss in thanks.

“Shall I help ye wi’ that, mo chridhe?”

“No, no, I’ve got it,” she said over his insistence otherwise, pushing away from him and wobbling slightly on her heels.

Resigned and as irretrievably smitten as ever, he stepped around and let her back prop against his chest, steadying her by the waist as she tied her hair up.

The lights hanging above them changed into a soft blue haze as the raucous swing faded into something far gentler.

“Oh, we can do this one!” Claire said suddenly, turning in his arms and urging him to start swaying. Jamie, like so many other times since he met her, gladly let her lead.

He snaked his arms around her waist, sliding over the soft fabric hugging her hips as she smoothed her own hands past his shoulders and, tucking her head under his chin, draped her arms down his back.

She was right, it was no more a dance than the drunken stupor some of the bride’s relatives had already fallen into. Though just a touch more romantic, he supposed.

He held her close, feeling the calm rise and fall of her chest against his, as even and relaxed as it was right before sleep. Wholly vulnerable and entirely safe, just like he always felt with her.

A laugh floated above the music from across the room where Jamie could see Willie and his new bride feeding cake to each other. The fairy lights delicately hung around the hall cast the newlyweds in a soft glow and Jamie felt like he was watching the end of a movie, except that he knew – had countless childhood memories – with the leading man.

Willie was the youngest of his extended cousins, just a year younger than Jamie himself, and Jamie easily recalled the image of a much smaller, pudgier version of the groom stumbling to catch up with Rupert and Angus as they jaunted around the grounds of Lallybroch every summer.

Jamie didn’t know the bride though. As frequently as their childhoods intersected, he and Willie were never close enough to share much about their personal lives save the informal summer catch-up. Willie had met her at school in America; a point well-discussed, if discreetly, by nearly every relative he’d spoken to today, plus Jenny whom always swears she’s not a gossip immediately before proving herself wrong.

She seemed lovely though, with a big laugh that filled the room and – as far as Jamie could see as he held Claire and watched the dessert table – lit up Willie’s eyes like the child Jamie remembered. Of course, the Mackenzies were steeped in tradition and no stranger to gossip, he mused, whether it be a foreign girl marrying the clan’s youngest son or—

He stopped himself too late and swallowed the thought the same way he reigned back the tension that rushed to his fist

—or a lifelong farm boy marrying the clan’s only daughter.

He flexed his fingers and opened his palm onto the small of Claire’s back, pulling her closer to erase the tension completely.

Not that it mattered in the slightest, but he did wonder whether to expect the same kind of discreet – or even brazen – disdain from the Mackenzies for Claire if—

When—

Then an entirely different thought supplanted and overrode everything else.

She moved against his chest slowly, then pushed back to look up at him and only then he realized he had said her name out loud.

---

He was staring at her again, in that unnerving way that presented his thoughts to her, his emotions, just past a veil of inscrutability. Like he himself wasn’t sure he wanted her to know the sheer depth of whatever storm was brewing behind his blue eyes.

More often than not, she wasn’t on the receiving end of this mask. At least, not without pretense. The last time she could really recall not being able to divine his thoughts was their anniversary spent huddled under a blanket in the estate’s backyard.

“What is it?”

“I—” He wet his lips, swallowed, and Claire watched carefully. Watched how his eyes looked straight at hers, and yet seemed as though they were seeing so much more than what was right in front of him.

She waited, 8 full bars of music before he chuckled and shook his head. His warm hand at her back pressed their bodies together and he flexed his fingertips into her skin as his head bent to her ear.

“Ye look absolutely stunning in that dress, mo chridhe.”

Something inside Claire deflated, but she smiled nevertheless as her shoulders released some unwarranted tension.

“Finally found your words, have you?” she said, butting his nose with hers.

“Aye, I have.” He lowered his voice to a soft rumble that Claire could feel pressed up against his chest. “I lost them for a moment, in that mystery of a bra ye’re wearing.”

She stifled a giggle into his shoulder.

“I’m serious, Sassenach,” he went on. “Just how in hell is it holding everything together?”

“Double-sided tape, and a prayer?” she offered, pulling back slightly to peer up at him from under her lashes, and lowering her tone to match his. “Of course, you’re welcome to find out for yourself.”

She felt his repressed groan travel up to his throat, and saw vestiges of that same sentiment in the narrow and quite incendiary glare he gave her.

Now it was her turn to wet her lips.

Then the spell was broken. He tutted at her, tilting his head to one side slightly as if sizing her up.

“’Such a shame, lass,” he tutted at her, “As drunk as ye are—”

“What?” She blinked at him. “No, I told you I’m not drunk, Jamie.”

“Aye, ye are,” he insisted with a shrug. His voice was casual but his eyes, Claire could see, were sending her a different message entirely. “It’s really too bad but, I guess we’ll have to get ye back to the hotel room, aye? As soon as possible.”

Understanding bloomed as quickly on her face as his air of aloofness dissipated.

“Well,” she said, trying in vain not to mirror his wide grin. “I suppose if you think so.”

“I do,” he said softly, squeezing her hand in his.

In 30 minutes’ time, they had made their obligatory rounds of congratulations and goodbyes, narrowly avoided Jenny’s insinuating remarks, and piled themselves into a cab.

And 25 minutes after that, Claire had Jamie pressed into a hallway wall with her fingers systematically mussing his once perfectly groomed hair.

“Sass—mm—Sassenach!” he struggled between her relentless lips. “We havena—gotten to the room yet.”

He had been right, goddamn him. Claire was just tipsy enough to feel uninhibited. Her blood was boiling, and she couldn’t find it in herself to give two shits about any guests that might decide on an after-midnight stroll through the hall.

She bit his lower lip and revelled in his groan, lathing it over with her tongue as one hand left his hair and travelled downward to untuck his shirt.

He caught her wrist and pulled gently on her hair, making her whimper in protest.

“Ja—Ah!”

Claire suddenly felt her feet leave the ground as Jamie threw her bodily over his shoulder.

“Jamie! Jamie, put me down!” She was dangling over him helplessly and began to pummel her fists into his back and kick her legs to no avail.

“Keep still, lass,” he laughed, pressing a quick kiss to the fabric-covered arse situated right next to his cheek. “Or ye’ll kill me ‘afore we get to the room.”

“Likely!”

She wriggled against him all the way to their door, finally stilling as she heard the telltale beep of their key-card lock.

Achingly slow, Jamie let her slide down his front and they both inhaled sharply when her leg brushed up against the length of him.

One breath.

The click of the door handle.

Another breath.

Then the world turned on its axis and Claire found herself pressed into the other side of their door, her eyes only briefly taking in the sight of their hotel room before they closed in rippled pleasure as Jamie sunk his teeth into her collarbone.

“Christ,” he murmured into her skin as his lips travelled lower. “I’ll have to go to confession for all the thoughts I had of ye during the ceremony.”

His stubble scratched at the soft skin between her breasts and she arched into him, turning any remark she might have had for him into a sweeping gasp.

Her arm rose to tug at her straps, but Jamie caught her wrist and pinned it to the door just above her head, pressing himself harder into her as his knee slid between her legs.

“No lass. Keep it on.”

The deep rumble of his voice shot straight to her core and she rocked shamelessly onto his insinuating knee. That familiar ache between her legs was getting more urgent by the second and she knew it could take one quick turn of her heel to have him on the floor, hers to ride. But—

“I have to—Wait—” She gasped, at war with herself as she pushed Jamie back by the shoulder.

Jamie came back up immediately, searching her eyes for whatever was wrong, but she shook her head.

“You did want to see how this bra works, and I’d much rather have it off anyway.”

She wiggled her hand until he released her wrist and took one step back, his other hand never leaving her waist as he watched her pull the straps down past her chest.

“You’ve gotta untie the—”

He understood and began loosening the ties between both pads. Slowly, methodically. She watched his brow furrow as he mentally worked out the strapless, backless contraption for himself.

The strings came loose, and Claire heaved a full-chested sigh of relief. One that quickly turned into a squeak as Jamie’s finger lightly traced the outline of the pad.

The curious quirk in his eyebrow suddenly felt all the more erotic as he closed his eyes, bent his head to the side of one breast, and slowly pulled at the adhesive, lathing the irritated skin with his tongue as more and more of it was revealed to him.

Now Claire’s breath came in short spurts. Her head fell back, and her hands came up to thread in his hair as he massaged and kissed and nuzzled his way across her chest.

Finally, he peeled off the last bit of adhesive, stopping to give the contraption one last look before casually tossing it over his shoulder. Then, very gently, he replaced the straps at her shoulders and pressed a delicate kiss to each.

A gesture Claire would otherwise find heartbreakingly sweet, had his previous work not rendered her heaving and near-sobbing with her heart pounding loudly in her ears.

When he at last came up to meet her eye, two equally molten stares dared each other to move.

“I told ye I wanted to take ye in that dress.”

She rose on her toes, closing what little space they had left between them to butt her nose against his.

“So take me then.”

His mouth was on hers in an instant, her head thudding softly against the door as his whole body enveloped her, consumed her like the fire she’d willingly walk with him into.

The heat of his palms felt like it was searing through the fabric as his hands skimmed up her thighs, bunching the dress up around her hips. With few words but so much more between them, she kicked off her heels to wrap her legs around his hips.

Lightning darted through her as she rubbed against his hard length on her ascent, and Jamie groaned into her hair. Very much liking the sound, and more so revelling in the knowledge that he was as helpless in her arms as she was in his, she pressed her back into the door and rolled against him again.

His jaw clenched, his fingers pressing into her hips as he took long and measured breaths, and Claire was elated, alight with renewed desire.

And very likely as intoxicated as he’d thought she was. Not that she’d admit that to him.

In a flurry of moans and blind stumbles, she felt her back finally hit the mattress as her legs dangled off its side. Jamie’s hands on her hips pulled her closer to the edge, once again bunching up the dress, and she was lost in a haze until she felt the tickling of Jamie’s hair and stubble against her inner thighs.

“Fuck,” she swore as Jamie ran one finger down her panties. He hooked that same finger under the cloth and pulled at it slowly.

“You should be off to confession after this as well, lass,” he chuckled, nuzzling his nose and chin back up her legs.

“Oh shut up and—” The last of that sentence was lost in a gasp as his tongue prodded gently against her inner folds. His hand, which had since been drawing meaningless patterns on the back of her knee, travelled up to spread her legs further apart just as he pressed the flat of his tongue onto her core.

Her hips bucked up off the bed then with a sharp groan and she could feel the bloody bastard smirking as he brought his other arm down across her waist to keep her steady.

Her teeth were nearly puncturing her bottom lip as she tangled her fingers into Jamie’s hair and pulled.

Placing a kiss just under her navel, he rose up to quirk an eyebrow at her.

“Ready, I’m—” she started, trying to speak and refill her lungs at the same time. “I need you. Now.”

The look he gave thoroughly erased all her hard work as her breath rushed out of her again. He stood straight, eyes never leaving hers, as he made quick work of his belt.

“Ye dinna have any idea what you look like right now,” he said, voice thick with feeling.

The more pragmatic side of Claire’s mind – wherever it was at the moment – could take an easy stab at the thought; dishevelled and sloppy, and in an alarming state of undress. But she knew – and frankly, could see – Jamie’s mind was decidedly somewhere else.

“Spread out like that, Sassenach.” She could feel the deep timbre of his voice leaving goosebumps up her arms. “Waiting for me, wi’ yer hair all mussed and yer chest heaving—Christ—I’d gladly burn in Hell just for the privilege of seeing ye’ so.”

She inched herself further onto the bed as he finally bent to join her, pulling away just slightly as he leaned in to kiss her.

She smirked.

He rumbled.

“Tease.”

In less than a breath, she was lost in insistent lips and warm, roaming hands steadily making their way downwards until, like all her cells converging onto a fixed point, she felt his thick cock press into her.

“Mmmgh—Jamie!”

Instinctively, she hooked one leg around his hip and gasped greedily for air as he buried his head into her neck.

She draped her arms over his shoulders, dancing to the only choreographed rhythm she knew Jamie had memorized, a timing and movement he could never get wrong as he answered every twist and curve and grind with his own. Keeping in time with a single heartbeat shared between them.

Moans and sighs accented their growing crescendo, higher and higher as he pushed in deeper, faster, until Claire crested. Her back arched off the bed, feeling weightless and shapeless, if only to better mould her body to his as she shattered around him and carried him off with her.

By the time Claire opened her eyes again – minutes or hours after – Jamie was peacefully snoozing beside her, his lips in a wide smile that tugged sharply at her heart. With eyes firmly shut, he reached, found, and tucked her neatly under his chin with a content hum.

“Jamie…?” she whispered. One bold hand came up to smooth down his hair, all the while waiting for his eyes to open.

When they didn’t, Claire snuggled closer into him, pressing a soft kiss at the base of his neck.

She hadn’t forgotten, even through the haze of alcohol and everything that followed.

“Jamie?” she tried again, louder, to no response.

It wasn’t the first time he’d stared at her like that, back at the reception, though she hoped the next time he did, it would be the last.

She smiled, comforted in the fact that whenever it happened to be, it was one of the few things in her life that was inevitable. She could – and would – safely let the tide deliver her there with the utmost faith in its certainty.

“It’s already a yes,” she said softly, into the night, “all you have to do is ask.”

[End of Part 23]

Read Part 24

#outlander #outlander fanfiction #outlander fanfic #jamie x claire #perfect distractions au #wr writing #;nsfw #my bday present to myself is finally getting this done #((and also materialistic things too but who's counting?))

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yievie · 4 years

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whew! what’s up everyone! my name is crissy and yes, i am the clown who sent my account ask on anonymous last night. luv that for me! I GOT A COOL FAMILY ICON IM CRYING!!! now this is yi eun hye, better known as evelyn yi or evie, paging dr. sexy md don’t call her that though, she’ll kill you omg the second eldest princess of the four neglected korean princess sisters aka the mom friend sister or the buzzkill responsible sister.

~`click anywhere here for a link to my app ~

under the cut i’m gonna throw some important personality and background stuff along with maybe? half-formed plot ideas? if not i’ll make a follow up post later, but pls like this plot if you wish to plot, i’ll try to come bother u. my ims are open hmu anytime (also bc im anxious af to b first message bc im BABY) and I ALSO have a discord located at quarantine queen#2918 where i’m usually v v v active. (lmk if u cant add me shoot me a message on here and ill fix it) ok imma shut up here is cranky daughter! ITS LONG SRRY

( pS: also if my blog is too hard to read just stick /mobile on the end of the url xx )

background

the empress and emperor of korea had 5 kids, 4 daughters, 1 pampered son and evie was the second oldest daughter after dianna but like, she’s bossy and high strung and acts like the oldest anywayS so it doesn’t matter!

woo! however, korean tradition is rooted deeply in patriarchy and other backwards thinking, >:(((( so evie’s parents basically pretended like their son was the only kid they had and sent evie and her 3 sisters off to swedish boarding school to ROT as they each turned 10 and forgot abt them while they groomed their son for the throne! thx mom n dad! luv u too! sdjlaksjd

during her time at boarding school evie was expected to not learn much of anything, not do anything spectacular, she wasn’t expected very good grades or to be smart or successful or anything bc that was Men’s Work and so evie did . . . THE EXACT OPPOSITE.

evie EXCELLED in school, straight a’s, top of her class, honors, ap valedictorian, which meant all nighters, nose bleeds at 2am from studying too hard, looking dead walking through the hallways, eating ramen 25/8, falling asleep w her face in her textbooks, getting bullied a lot for being a nerd and Not looking like her sisters and like...the creature from the black lagoon.

her parents, understandably, were not very happy with this but it wasn’t until she wanted to go to medical school that her parents were like FURIOUS. to them, women, esp the princesses, were only supposed to get married, have kids, THAT WAS IT. so evie wanting to be a doctor enraged them. STAY MAD!

they tried to have her engaged SO. MANY. TIMES. but she has a really repellent personality, she’s very kat stratford from 10 things i hate about you. and is rude and states her very liberal very socialist opinions often, dresses sloppy and hurts mens feelings a lot just for fun so they all went rUNNING from those match appointments! her parents literally are losing their minds they don’t know what to do w her theyre like god why did we give birth to the aNTICHRIST!?!?!?

not wanting anything to do with her parents, evie got into college and medical student on scholarship based on her own merit and skill. evie went to the seoul national university for 4 years then did a 2 year residency at the country’s top hospital, becoming one of the best on call heart surgeons there.

the korean media likes to clown on her A LOT! bc shes scary and angry and cares very little abt her appreance is A DOCTOR and not a princess really for the opposite reason they clown on dianna but evie does not really care she doesn’t care abt impressing people, just saving lives and proving people wrong. finger guns

but yes! thats what u missed on glee. evie was a heart surgeon in korea before being shipped off to thailand! shes v salty by the way ... even more than usual.

fun facts?

evie wears massive grandma glasses to see bc shes BLIND when shes in line with her sister people do not think she’s related and are like “OMG OMG THE PRINCESSES!!! BUY WHATEVER U WANT ON THE HOUSE I--oh? maam? uh? can we help u, ahjumma?” HELP

very dry, mean, will call you out on ur shit and hurt ur feelings probably. doesn’t really know how to Chill or have fun, stays out of drama and parties for the most part literally that old man that tells u to get off their lawn

LOVES HER SISTERS!!!! LOVES THEM!!! moms them and nags the FUCK out of them tho abt everything. wear a sweater its cold, drink water, dONT DO THAT GET DOWN FROM THERE, i told u to eat before u drank all that soju pabo!!!! skhaslkfh BUT SHE LOVES THEM VERY MUCH HER WOOOORLD the only people shes kind of nice to

as stated, has tried to been matched up before but has basically scared away all her matches by being A Lot and not polite or dainty and burping probably

her mom calls her all the time to talk abt how shes having a heart attack bc her second daughter is an unmarried, childless, spinster with a cat who is embarrassing her by being a doctor and being loud and obnoxious and outspoken against the royal heirarchy and right wing politics. evie just puts her on mute and lets her keeping yelling at no one for the next hour

loves beer, loves fried chicken, very unladylike, wears oversized sweaters and her hair messy and watches love island australia and the bachelor just to make fun of the people being in love and stupid i think secretly she kind of wants it but...thinks shes unlovable and will die before she says that shh

bisexual legend! cue mr and mrs yi screaming somewhere

not that it matters bc she cares little abt romance and sex and always put work and school before everything so everything touchy like that she either ends abruptly or stays the hell away from

never parties or goes out but when she does get really drunk gets very cute and touchy and happy there is one video on the internet of her like on a table ashdkh yikes

is soft deep down just like *shrek voice* donkey, orges are like onions they have layers and u gotta get past a lot of them for her to get past her level 4 tragic backstory and into the soft, vulnerable part of her personality its nice i promise she is SQUISHY

weird plots???

best friend? im sure she has one somewhere. or friends at all? people who arent scared of her who shes nice to....mostly

enemies woo! hate her its very easy to hate her so do it

u want to do a daredevil thing like when matt shows up bleeding and dying or after a fight or something and she patches u up

just anyone need a doctor bc paging dr sexy md~

past loves? boyfriend? girlfriend? weird flings? weird tension unresolved stuff WOOO

ANYONE who broke her heart for the angst and drama

hit on her itll b funny

anyone who she was previously matched w who she scared off

someone shes currently trying to be matched or betrothed to GOOD LUCK

someone she has a crush on YIKES or vice versa

any of the college kids need a tutor?

roommates?

ANYTHING PLS HMU <333

#;;ooc ( out of crissy ).#hello this is angry daughter shes scary but we stan #sorry this was so long pls hmu #ALSO LOOK AT MY COOL ICON!!

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tarmairons · 5 years

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re: that last hp ask i got

i know i said i wouldn’t be cross-posting my bellamort/dark au/riddle fam headcanons from twitter but i’ve decided to post a lengthy updated masterpost here after all so ENJOY bon apetit

1. see the thing is that 90% of my hcs can’t be described with words bc they’re just.. feelings.. aesthetics.. vibes.. vague scenarios that make me feel some sort of way… the dark au has a certain Feel and i just stick a bunch of domestic concepts in there and shake it all up and that’s it shshsh

2. disclaimer: im like 75% sure my self indulgent ramblings won’t make sense so sorry about that

3. i was fully serious that one time i said on twitter that voldemort’s no.1 priority after taking over the wizarding world was doing sth about his snace (snake face) so yeah. first things first he’s not as fugly in the dark au. as mentioned previously he just looks like mr. ralph and probably wears ornate haute couture power suits

4. the public doesn’t actually know who the augurey is for YEARS… they know whoever it is is voldemort’s second in command and sure there’s rumors that he has an heir but nobody knows it’s delphi. this way she doesn’t have to be reclusive and hide away, she just lives her life, studies and trains, masters the art of dark magic, hangs around town etc, and no one suspects anything bc who would think this tiny super friendly innocent looking girl is the dark lord’s kid — her identity isn’t revealed until she’s deemed Ready to publicly take up her position. and when she is revealed it’s a Big Moment bc she’s a drama queen and lives for attention

5. delphi is taller than bellatrix

6. speaking of bellatrix. she’s presumed dead after the battle of hogwarts which turns out to be a cool bonus for the dark side. any leftover resistance? she’ll take care of that and they’ll never see her coming. tbh this seems a lot cooler in my head bc movie bellatrix would not be stealthy enough to stay hidden for years she would probs trip over something and accidentally commit arson within a few days. but yeah sneaky assassin sounds sexy. plus to be super honest i imagine bella is a teensy bit more collected than in the films... no shade at helena y’all know i would die for her but there are in fact things i would change about her bella. so yeah for a while the only people who know she’s alive aside from her immediate family are probs rod and the malfoys

7. hm so. the malfoys…. much to think about. narcissa did lie to voldemort’s face during the battle so logically he should have killed her the moment he realized she knew harry was alive all along. but this is a soft dark au so let’s pretend bellatrix was like hey dude don’t kill my sister maybe and voldemort was like k. i mean no harm done, harry potter is properly dead in this universe after all

8. but seriously tho. the only reason voldemort didn’t yeet narcissa into a wall was for bella’s sake. he’s nice like that, he probably promised her at one point that he wouldn’t violently murder her family. peak romance

9. delphi is surprisingly close with both her parents although with voldemort it’s more of a mentor-student relationship than a parent-child one bc he’s Like That. growing up it was always bella who insisted they treat delphi more like a child and less like a weapon and voldemort wasn’t always happy about that bc he’s emotionally constipated and also never had a childhood. also he’s, like, evil. so yes, reminding voldemort that delphi was her daughter too sometimes got bella in trouble bc we all know of voldemort’s superiority issues. but no bella didn’t stop insisting that delphi deserved an actual childhood and in the end they compromised like functional adults and delphi turned out pretty well for someone raised by 2 of the most terrifying people alive

10. but yeah that’s not to say voldemort and kid delphi never had soft moments. they did. he even picked her up every once in a while. everyone was surprised, bella most of all. she probably cried in the bathroom later bc the softness overwhelmed her. i’m not sure if i mean that in a sarcastic shitpost kind of way or if she was really moved to tears. y’all decide for yourselves

11. delphi looks very very much like bella but she has tom riddley eyes.. so dark they’re nearly black. and soulless. maybe they even flash red when she’s enraged. and she has very aristocratic very controlled tom riddley mannerisms. it’s not until you piss her off and she goes off the rails that the bella side of her personality kicks in

12. delphi gets along really well with the malfoys (except lucius. she thinks he’s pathetic and likes to tease him. in a friendly way but it’s still harsh. she gets that from her mom) esp scorp. scorp thinks this makes him cool at school bc he gets to fist bump the augurey and not get murdered for it

13. speaking of hogwarts. umbridge is scared shitless of delphi and it’s always a school-wide spectacle when the augurey drops by unexpectedly on official business and umbridge starts stuttering and quivering. scorp sometimes makes a point to approach umbridge and delphi when they’re talking and act all chummy-chummy with his cousin just to make himself look powerful and Cool in front of umbridge and the other students

14. i still don’t know whether voldemort would call delphi ‘delphini’ or just ‘delphi’… i imagine he’s a strict stick-up-his-ass kinda father but who knows. he does call bellatrix ‘bella’ but that’s different i guess

15. but THEN AGAIN he does have a gigantic soft spot for delphi too. maybe he slips up every so often and calls her delphi. i’m literally making this shit up as i go along i’m just smashing my mf keyboard and occasionally glancing at my messy hcs notebook. I TOLD YALL i don’t have solid hcs i just have VIBES and AESTHETICS. the only way you’ll get specific hcs out of me is if you ask very specific questions

16. weirdest brotp is delphi and rodolphus. nobody knows where that came from but they get along so well and it confuses everybody

17. we been knew that bella is batshit crazy and criminally insane or whatever but against all odds she is a surprisingly good mother. she’s always been soft for family (narcissa etc) so it makes sense that she would legit die for delphi. they have this super casual bantery relationship YALL GET ME bella is so proud of delphi she’s literally that “my little baby off to destroy people” meme!!! honestly mother-daughter relationships are my goddamn weakness i would die for the two of them

18. delphi has a gf (underdeveloped oc time!) who, for the longest time, doesn’t know who she is dating bc delphi is obviously not allowed to say. she finds out the truth eventually and she is properly freaked out for a very very long time. and since all of these hcs are stupidly soft we’re just gonna keep making them softer: the gf is terrified of delphi’s parents at first (obvs) but they’re both extremely fond of her (well, bella is, voldemort probs doesn’t care all that much about who delphi is dating so long as she’s not of subpar blood status or secretly spying for the opposition ya know. as long as delphi trusts her he does too)

19. no but really voldemort trusts delphi and bella implicitly. with delphi it’s bc he raised her and he trusts her to be loyal bc she knows no other way, she was meant to be an extension of his power etc. but with bella it’s something he learns over time, to trust her judgement bc despite her many many flaws she’s very perceptive and usually right

20. voldemort probably makes more horcruxes. still haven’t decided how this ties in with the fact that he’s now safely immortal again and neither delphi nor bella are. who knows maybe they all do the do and split their souls. much to think about. feel free to send ur thots and ideas my way

21. ya know im basic and always on my bellamort bs and therefore: as the years go by voldemort warms up to bella. not that he wasn’t already extremely fond of her before but he kicks it up a notch. i mean, he’s already taken over the world so it’s high time to start experimenting with other wilder things like Feelings. 80/90 years old isn’t too late to experience Love or whatever. might as well wake up one day and realize you’re completely and utterly in love with the woman you’ve spent the last 50+ years with whew. LIKE to be fair bella knows him better than anyone — they understand each other, they’re familiar with each other’s likes, dislikes, mannerisms, nervous tics etc etc. let’s be real it freaked voldemort out at first, being vulnerable to any degree (not that he let it show) but it just became so easy to tell her things that it became a natural thing to do. and obvs he trusts her to keep everything between them and never judge him for anything so that’s sweet

22. y’all keep asking me for domestic hcs but what can i possibly say?? imagine literally any domestic scenario ever and just think bellamort and i’ve probably imagined that same scenario before. except its sexier bc the world is dark and evil and they live in a dark gloomy super fancy manor. so we have these 2 goths right but they’re in love but in that casual familiar way YALL GET ME and sometimes they even drink coffee together in the mornings or like. do that thing where Person A returns from work late at night and its dark and raining and Person B is already home just chilling and they don’t even have to talk they just go about their nighttime routine but it’s soft and familiar and COMFORTABLE. i clearly dont have enough softness in my life i just. love domestic scenarios bye

23. i forgot everything else i wanted to write bc i got distracted by domesticity. im also thinking about how voldemort absolutely despises the thought of any pda but he’ll take bella by the wrist in public every so often when he wants to get her attention, or like. put his hand on her back. small things but oh so soft

24. hhhh okay i have a LOT to say about the power fam’s fashion choices but it’s hard to explain without pictures. i have a wholeass ppt presentation but i’m not about to upload 20+ slides to tumblr. but i seriously was not kidding when i said voldemort wears fancy suits and yes i have references. meanwhile delphi is a fan of feathers but mostly goes with lowkey military-style outfits.. she’s practical yet ostentatious. bella sticks to a conservative yet undeniably sexy selection of evil looking dresses.. i should make all of these into pinterest boards hmm

25. controversial opinion but i think delphi knows she and voldemort are half bloods. so does bella but that’s a whole other story, she been knew. anyhow yeah delphi was told the truth bc it was better for her to find out from the source rather than hear rumors from the opposition and begin to distrust the foundations of voldemort’s whole empire and voldemort himself

26. i used to absolutely hate fics where bella would eventually call voldemort by his name but now im like FUCK THAT we don’t do guilty pleasures anymore we just stan ridiculous things and that’s that. one day voldemort had a Thought (shocking, i know) and was like. Hm so we have a wholeass child and we’re basically married maybe bella shouldn’t have to call me My Lord for the rest of her life. BUT ONLY IN PRIVATE. THATS BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM it’s nobody’s business. It Is Nobody’s Business

27. speaking of marriage. bella and rod got divorced a few years after the battle. it was just a formality tho let’s be real. they remained very close friends tho!!!!!!!! i think that’s an unpopular opinion among bellamort stans but i genuinely believe bella and rod were always close the way best friends or family are ya know. rod really loves bella but as long as she’s happy he’s happy even if it means her fucking the dark lord on the reg or whatever

28. going back to #6 — when the public finally finds out that bella’s alive they obviously start to wonder about her and voldemort and connect the dots re: delphi etc but nobody ever gets any concrete answers bc there’s never any public pda.. any sort of affection is limited to when it’s just the two of them. and obviously it’s not like voldemort gossips about his private life in tabloid interviews or whatnot. ALSO the whole Bella Is Alive reveal isn’t nearly as dramatic as delphi’s big moment.. it’s more discreet and insidious in that way it implies that she was there hiding in plain sight all along. and if the ministry can keep sth this big a secret, what else are they hiding.. ah classic intimidation tactics of an authoritarian regime

29. i dont think this is ever stated in the CC but in terms of politics and bureaucracy i imagine voldemort has a fancy office in the ministry and spends 99% of his time there and rarely spends any time out and about. he’s almost never seen by anyone, rarely attends events etc. delphi’s the one who handles the day to day shit in the wizarding world. she’s like.. the public relations manager.. between the public and voldemort

30. bella is of similar status within the ministry but that’s just bc people are scared shitless of her. she doesn’t actually hold any political power and she most certainly does not want to, that is not her area of expertise at all

31. delphi is dangerously powerful and i think that’s really sexy of her

32. re: #21 it’s like. as voldemort warms up to bella, she in turn chillaxes a bit with the whole blind devotion thing and becomes bolder with him like. she’ll outright question his decisions or tell him what he should do, make judgement calls etc. and it becomes a regular thing.. turns into this casual companionship ya feel.. i won’t say they become equals bc that’s just unrealistic but he certainly stops treating her like his inferior. he recognizes her value and i daresay her authority and stops treating her like shit all the time Wow Romance Is Alive!! (this sounds like some sort of “douche fuckboi changes for his poor mistreated love interest” schtick but it’s really not that bc they’re both monstrous people who do not deserve any pity so jot that down. they’re horrible and they deserve each other and they eventually do make it work and i am so so happy for them)

33. it is never outright stated that voldemort can’t love. jkr has said that he doesn’t understand love and that it’s just symbolism!!! that he’s the child of a loveless union and grew up without knowing love!!! BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN HE PHYSICALLY CANNOT LOVE thanks for coming 2 my ted talk. i wasn’t aware of this until a few months ago and i was thrilled to find out my soft hcs are not entirely ooc after all

34. THE POINT IS. THEY ARE A SEMI-FUNCTIONAL FAMILY and i just really love soft domestic scenarios so sorry jkr but the dark au is the only canon now and it belongs to me. everybody has feelings and everything is soft. i’d like to pitch an idea for a kuwtk style reality show but it’s these 3 sociopaths under one roof navigating family life and wizarding world politics

35. to finish i’d like to apologize for downplaying the fact that all 3 of the people i woobified in this post are psychotic murderers and tyrants etc

—— i’ll be updating this if/when i remember anything i forgot AND ALSO send me ur thoughts and comments and constructive criticism etc pls pls pls

—— follow me on twitter and also curiouscat bc i get a scary amount of q’s about voldemort’s sex life thank you and goodbye

edits:

36. in this household we stan dark haired delphi. no i will not be taking any criticism regarding this particular fact

37. bella and voldemort never get married. obviously, because that’s a disgustingly romantic and pointless thing to do. it’s sentimental and unnecessary (well, voldemort thinks so, bella might just disagree but she’s not about to force his hand) BUT that’s not to say they’re not basically an old married couple anyway. AND as much as voldemort thinks love is weakness or whatever he knows this, that they’re about as close as two people can get. SO if he just so happens to gift her a ring.. well it’s a purely symbolic gesture but the implication is definitely there

38. it’s the horcrux ring. he trusts her that much. m y h e a r t

#hp #harry potter #bellamort

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zepdeans · 5 years

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this is highkey like a month late (i mean wbk im a chronic scatterbrain procrastinator) and she’s thicccc but without further ado. my skam s4 thoughts.

I first just want to say a couple things: im not a muslim woc so my thoughts on s4 don’t hold as much value as those of a muslim, woc, or a muslim woc. I also don’t know to what degree sana’s representation was true to real life. I made an effort to look for posts from muslim woc on sana’s season but to no real avail, especially given it’s been two years since skam ended and a lot of blogs have deactivated, changed urls, or posts have become buried :( [if you know of any good posts regarding sana’s season please lmk!]. from what I can recall in 2017, there were mixed opinions on s4 with most being upset (or at least disappointed) with the ultimate execution of sana’s storyline and I agree w that. while s4 means so much to me and has a really special place in my heart, I do 100% acknowledge its flaws. ok!!!!!! lets get into it😤

ep1 -as much as I wished isak stayed in kollektivet I’m glad he and even had a rlly sweet happy time this entire season. also evak making their friends move all their furniture while they whisper romantic shit to each other and makeout? peak comedy -you fuckin wish!!! -sana is the one to say “of course you should tell noora about william”.. she Knew and still takes the fall for it :( -this opening clip is such a jarring shift into sana’s pov!! e.g. while easy to overlook in previous seasons, sana’s exclusion from the girls is glaringly obvious once we’re looking through her eyes -adding onto that! sana is the friend who notices everyone else- she’s so observant, which hurts even more when you notice her friends don’t do the same (except mayhaps chris- in my heart of hearts I know chris is also the friend who notices and goes unnoticed, but unfortunately we don’t get enough of her and sana’s relationship this season to fully see that) -yousef and the balloon squad’s entrance.... ICONIC! also I cant believe for 2 seasons they presented those dickbag nissen 97s as the be all end all of hot amazing boys when the bakka third years were RIGHT THERE like,, the penetrators vs. balloon squad + even? no contest ma’am -also! it’s so interesting that we literally had no idea sana had a brother, or that yousef etc existed until now? it’s as if she has a whole private world at home, separate from her friends and nissen (and I think a theme of this season is those two worlds merging) -im obsessed w the yousana train scene but yousef being the only one who notices sana standing off to the side? ;-; -fy faen is such a stunning clip oh my god. when sana leaves to pray? possibly my favourite skam scene ever. it’s exquisite. -sana is so cute and awkward squeezing thru the crowd shsdhgfhshdf I LOVE her love her -the last shot on yousef and noora... oh my GOD oh my god bc like. being that friend who never ever tells your real feelings or your crushes or is vulnerable with your friends?? and then having to listen to them talk about how good your crush would be with someone else (especially one of ur friends) while ur sitting there silently dying inside? and you don’t say anything since you can’t be vulnerable with your friends and u don’t think u stand a chance anyways so. (in the words of s3 noora. I think sana struck a nerve with the emotional unavailability! abbey r u ok) -this episode is a masterpiece and did such a phenomenal job of both introducing us to sana’s perspective while also touching on a multitude of her struggles AND establishing the themes of the season. plus the cinematography, editing, soundtrack and aesthetic...... o baby. (case in point I deadass just rewatched it after writing this)

ep2 -every shot of sana praying is beautiful (and beautifully edited!!) -sana’s room is usually messy... not smart enough to fully analyze this but I’m sure it means something -an interesting contrast of what’s expected of her vs. of elias- I can’t speak for muslim families, but I know even in non-muslim families girls are always held to suchhh a higher standard (source: I have 2 brothers rip) -”if you find immaturity charming” hilarious bc sana actually does in fact find immaturity charming -what’s interesting is how noora comes across in sana’s POV- kinda obnoxious, kinda ignorant, seemingly perfect (compared to how noora is portrayed in eva’s season, for example) -even is one of those ppl who uses the bill gates argument on why dropping out of school makes u richer sdfhfsjskfjfsd -sana staring down the pepsi max squad. fuck em up. -vilde adding magnus to the groupchat jfkjsjfdjfsfsdkj -isak missing eskild :’) sidenote I fucking live for isak and sana’s chats this season. they’re literally my lifeblood like....

ep3 -the kiss me scene god I go FERAL -“you need to pull it towards you, not push it away. okay?” yall mind if i SCREAM!! YOUSEF!!!!!!!!!! -there rlly is something about seeing sana, who in everyone else’s POV comes off as cold and harsh and stoic, just absolutely meltinggg when she talks w yousef like she doesn’t stop smiling she’s so sweet!!!! ah🥰 and yousef is 100% that guy who ppl tell “your gf is so intimidating and ruthless bro” and he’s like are y’all talking about sana??????? my baby?? my fuckin cinnamon apple????? -yousef’s lil smile watching sana peel carrots. 911 it’s me again -vilde and sana’s relationship has a really interesting dynamic bc like.. vilde says ignorant shit to sana while also genuinely looking up to her. and sana is probably the harshest to vilde within the group but it’s because she actually values their friendship a lot -IM HURT BECAUSE YOU NEVER REPLIED TO MY MEME -sana pulling 2yr old receipts off the top of her head to defend vilde. god I stan -sana doin research taking notes..... shameful she isn’t canonically a virgo (honestly her and isak both but like-) -she’s so soft and smiley w her mamma awh... “of course he likes you, who doesn’t like you?” her mamma only knows the real, gentle, beautiful loving sana oh im CRY -even is so kind and loving and thoughtful yall mind if i....... -”you can’t escape the internet girl” foreshadowing mayhaps?

ep4 -david and ulrikke together are fucking hilarious -noora’s “you’re lucky you don’t have to think about this stuff, heartbreak and that” :/ it’s not just vilde who says ignorant things to sana! -that being said sana and noora are cute asf in the exper5 scene.. dorky noora rise (omg josefine and her yogurt in the bloopers too sjhfkjdf) -I HANDLE BALLS BETTER THAN YOU -the yousana scene is sooo gorgeous whew...... -I always cry a lil bit (ok a lot) when yousef brings up even. and sana knew too. even sweetie ily :( -sana talking about her religion is beautiful. it’s so lovely to learn about how she thinks and sees the world. -yousef’s smile watching sana leave like ur kidding right....... -“flawless since 99″ is so cringey. it’s so cringeyyy -sana uses “smh” I knew we were soulmates

ep5 -eavesdropping on ur parent/brother’s argument is peak sibling culture -when ur always paranoid but ur always right..... -sana’s green jumpsuit sign me up babey -I really really really love elias and sana’s conversation -u dont even realize how tiny sana is until she’s standing next to isak and even -not finding out why yousef avoided the fight and why he kissed noora will haunt me forever (could we not have expanded more on that instead of noorhelm.......) -the parallel of sana washing isak’s blood off her hands vs. her washing her hands during maghrib in episode 1. gotta sit down. -vilde gossiping to the pepsimax girls stings SO bad it’s just such a betrayal?:( -“the other girls seem cool, especially noora! she’s so pretty!” ok much to unpack here but: sana again comparing herself to noora (who she sees as /perfect/)... sana being written off despite putting so much effort and passion into the russ bus while noora, who has done literally nothing and at best is indifferent to russ, is the one they like the most. disgusteng -love will tear us apart.. bitch..... -sana abt to cry god I can’t -if sana is anything like me (I mean I think she is but jkjjkhsdfhfsd). looking stupid is the absolute worst so like, her sending out emails abt being bus boss when she was actually being lied to? being played? and her being “paranoid” about sara being shady, but deciding hey maybe im just being crazy? except she wasn’t she was right and she Knew!! and she’s probably thinking how dumb it was for her to get her hopes up, everything always ends badly anyways and no one actually likes her :((((((( -dont rlly know what my feelings are on the fight. im not against it bc isak does have a temper but his apparent motive always seemed weak to me?? and god I feel so bad for even

ep6 -forgot about sana getting bullied in middle school yall mind if I sob?? -sana lying and getting defensive bc it’s hard to be vulnerable, or because she hates looking stupid? or both?:( -isak looking up dandelions in his textbook just bc even put one behind his ear. I HATE this man -sana’s dad asking if she had a bad day aw :( -all the boys (and sana) wearing black but yousef wearing white.... what does it mean.............. -the carrots are back goddammit -radio station playing during this scene: “if I have to choose between the just non-muslim and the unjust muslim, without any doubt I would choose the non-muslim who is just” -ISAK’S NOSE SFFJDFJFSDKJSDF -sana’s text about chris I’m going to bawl my eyes out. “yeah! looking forward (to going to nissen) but a bit worried. don’t know anyone else starting there.” (J: new friends?) “yes, at least one of them. I have german with her (chris) and she’s very cool!” -the contrast of how blunt sana came off when we’re first introduced to her vs. how she was really just excited to make a new friend bc she was scared no one would like her :( especially knowing her past with bullying and how nervous she was to start at nissen? chris baby I LOVE YOU thank u ;-; -also sana keeping 2yr old conversations on her phone... same -sana is honestly too smart and scheming and overthinking for her own good. she has these elaborate plans that more-or-less always get ruined by her being more kind than she gives herself credit for (e.g. wanting to protect vilde in s1, clearing isak’s name in s4) -everyone in skam texts back so fast smh -chris calling sana “sonic”...... a moment please -I cannot watch the sana/evak apartment scene without thinking of the bloopers and losing it lmfaoooo.. “this is where we live. just come in” -ik it’s based off fanart but there is little I hate more than their matching outfits -“remember you’re both geniuses!” 🥺even -once again isak studying is uhhhh me - “you’re a good person” yall i love isak i really do. he puts his foot in his mouth pretty often and doesn’t have a great brain-to-mouth filter and he can be awkward and rambly and blunt and unsure of what to say in emotional situations but also? he’s so genuine. it’s just his honest thoughts and he says it bc he cares about sana and knows she needs to hear it!! -ᶠᵃᵉⁿ ᵉᵛᵉⁿ -sana’s inner turmoil.. thank u iman for inventing acting (ik I haven’t mentioned it much yet but god iman is SUCH a phenomenal actor I owe her my life) -LETS GO BITCHES

ep7 -sana crying silently in her room breaks my fucking heart (IMAN!!!!) -idk how I feel about the instagram plot but sana watching as her plan falls into place and then storming up to sara... pretty bada$$ -“it’s creepy it was published but it’s more creepy we have a bus boss who talks shit about everyone” THANK YOU vilde -i love s4 isak thanks -sana and jamilla’s chat aw :~) -how awkward do yall think the walk to the bench was lmfao -what sana tells isak is SO powerful and I love it a lot -isak does actually make a good point- the other girls are like that too. -unfortunately I have been in situations isak describes, where you want to learn more about your friend’s culture or religion because you care about them and you’re genuinely interested, but you don’t know what questions are okay to ask and you don’t want to sound rude or ignorant, so you ultimately end up asking no questions at all. but I hate that the responsibility is put on sana to constantly educate people bc I cannot imagine how exhausting that must be [[[ok so. I know there are VERY mixed opinions on the bench scene but here’s my dumbass two cents. 1- I genuinely think isak was trying to make sana feel better by attempting to relate to her and pass on advice that really helped him. however, I don’t think isak realized what sana eventually told him- that her experience wearing the hijab is a lot different than isak’s experience as a gay man. do I agree with everything isak said? nooo. do I understand why he said it? yeah. 2- it was not isak’s place to tell sana norwegians aren’t racist, or not to look for racism in questions. I think there’s some truth to ppl often just being ignorant, and he does add that there are probably a lot of racist people in Norway, but yeah. not great. 3- in conclusion I think while isak shared some meaningful advice w sana, he put his foot in his mouth too and said some stupid shit. im not trying to defend that. I will add, though: a. we actually do see some growth on isak’s part. when he and even are yelled at on the street, that’s the moment it clicks for him that oh shit, this is what sana was talking about. this is what she has to experience? and that’s why he texts noora, “in the speech for sana, you have to include how insanely strong she is. I don’t think many people understand how much bullshit she has to take” and b. isak’s (bad) advice of “not looking for the racism in things” is ultimately contrasted by yousef (a moc who lived most of his life as a muslim) suggesting instead to show people what islam really is. and that’s so much more meaningful. I think the root of a lot of the issues isak brought up- i.e. ignorance- is a general lack of education, representation, or effort by non-muslim people to seek out information themselves. so sana leading by example and showing what it means to her to be muslim is so much more powerful.]]] -𝒃𝒂𝒎! -BEST BUDS 🥺

ep8 -haper du har plass weaving in and out of this episode until the chorus finally breaks when the los losers van shows up...... miss julie 😭 -oh my god the pictures. im a fucking MESS bc they’re not only significant to the scene and to sana but also like,, as part of our goodbye to the girls?? -the balloon squad and even :( while the timeline of them reconciling within just this week is kinda wack, seeing even back with his friends looking so happy makes my heart uwu so i’ll allow it just this once -eva’s message to vilde about her and magnus being able to trust each other w/o reading their texts... growth or irony -chris is such a phenomenal friend (and this is why I wanted more of her in s4!!) -sana’s phonecall to the girls breaks my fucking heart bc like. right off the bat she’s finally being vulnerable with them?? telling them about her fears and insecurities and struggles? typing this im gonna start crying lol but god I love her so much. she’s so brave and she put all that on the line bc all she really cares about are her friends, she loves them SO much even if (she thinks) they don’t love her back -lowkey sobbed so hard during the haper du har plass clip I almost threw up and it gave me a headache :) -anyways this is one of my favourite skam clips and god just. the moment you hear the girls calling for sana??? I LOSE it. when sana just starts BEAMING omg🤧 the girls love sana and support her and if you fuck with sana you fuck with us!!!!!! god. cannot articulate how dear to my heart this scene is. -haper du har plass feels like the end of the episode and the party clip is kinda just tacked on but I love how happy everyone is!! they’re all drinking champagne (who taught isak how to hold things) and dancing and smilingggg 💛 -yousana rise!!!!!!!! -ok don’t get me wrong I hate william for crashing the party but their entrance slow-mo kinda slaps.... also sana popping up in between noorhelm SENDS me

ep9 -this is the point in the season where the amount of time dedicated to noorhelm is beyond beyond beyond significantly damaging to the story. this is sana’s last episode!! instead of having them makeout in front of william’s car for 20 minutes mayhaps we could’ve had a conversation between the girls and sana, or with her brother (if they had continued the elias alcoholism plotline rip), or maybe even with jamilla or her mamma? like I don’t care at ALL about noora or william. give me anything else. ple a s e -what makes skam scenes so brilliant is their quiet moments!! julie let the scene breathe. not everything needs a tacky song playing over top. -I’ve said this abt like twenty clips now but MAGHRIB. oh my GOD. an absolute masterpiece and definitely tied for my all time favourite skam clip. can’t rlly put into words how stunning it is. & I love sana and yousef’s conversation so much. -“of course I brought food! my name is yousef!” mr. acar you’re the only man I trust

ep10 -as much as my heart yearns for 10 sana episodes I think splitting up the last episode of skam into individual POV clips for different characters was brilliant and such a poignant way to say goodbye :( -okay don’t think about what sana could’ve written in her texts to everyone or ur heart will go sicko mode -I won’t write anything abt this ep since I’ve already written too much but like.. (elias should’ve gotten a clip instead of william. pchris can stay because his clip was funny but he’s on thin fuckin ice) -kjaere sana was such a beautiful way to say goodbye to skam. so yeah. bye skam. i miss you.

overall ➔I’m not really sure why (possibly a lethal combination of my undying love for sana bakkoush, how much I relate to her, this but my ass was crying EVERY single episode of season 4...... F ➔I’m obsessed with s4′s aesthetic. imo the best editing, soundtrack and cinematography of any season!!!! julie is so talented at making each season feel distinct- to me, sana’s season is cool, vibrant colours (aka the late-night sunset aesthetic- gabie i hear u laughing shut up), crisp electronic/pop music and rap, ethereal city nights..... also sana has the best style of any skam character it had to be said ➔sana’s growth! seeing her open up and be honest and vulnerable with the girls during that phone call. sana sending all of her friends literally the sweetest messages of how much they mean to her and how much she values their relationship. sana being the (MUCH) bigger person and making amends with sara, ingrid etc. I love her so much :’((( ➔I’ve thought a lot about what I would change in season 4 and honestly? im a mf scatterbrain and have no real, structured ideas. my biggest issue is too much noora. dream s4 would be william staying in london and noora being happy on her own (but not rly on her own bc she has the girls and kollektivet!). as :/ as I am about the noora/yousef plotline, I’m not really sure what I’d do to replace the yousana conflict in ep5. maybe involving elias, or the balloon squad and even? related to that- in lieu of all the noora/noorhelm screentime, I would so much rather have a follow-up plot to elias’s drinking problem bc it was kinda just dropped? at the very least, the william clip should’ve been elias’s. I also would've killed for more one-on-one scenes with chris (even vilde or eva!), jamilla, even, members of the balloon squad... there are so many interesting stories that could’ve been explored instead of going down the noorhelm rabbithole again. furthermore, I feel like the social media plot was a bit... weak? again I’ve tried thinking of what I would’ve done instead (while also keeping the haper du har plass clip, y’all can pry that one from my cold dead hands) to little avail. what especially threw me about this plotline is that sana did this in s2 to jamilla, fucked up, and it bit her in the ass. I know that she gets irrational when angry but from a storytelling perspective, it seems repetitive. just.. I feel like there could’ve been a more powerful plot in which sana follows the same character arc. another thing I would’ve loved to see is beyond the los losers van, an apology from the girls to sana. or even just a conversation where they tell her “hey sana, we’re sorry for not paying attention and we’re sorry for being thoughtless/ignorant.” an apology from vilde about things she’s said in the past would’ve been <3. even a gesture! the girls order pizza again but this time it’s halal, or they make an effort to learn about sana’s religion and culture. I know it’s implied through the letter they write for sana, but a final standalone scene would’ve been so nice. ➔i’ve noticed soo many remakes do this thing where they like.. water down shitty behaviour of their characters. which like- sure. I would love for everyone to be kind and thoughtful and not as horrible as they could be but also... I think that’s the point of skam? to show that people fuck up, but that doesn’t define them as a person. no one is perfect and no one can be thoughtful and considerate and kind all the time. and often these ‘problematic’ actions are integral to the story- e.g. elias saying stupid comments to isak (related to isak’s internalized homophobia and fear of coming out to his friends), the girl squad being ignorant about what sana can eat, etc. so..... your remake is not better because it erased every horrible action every character has done. (nuance.. where r u.........) ➔despite its flaws, I will say- the good moments of season 4? ineffable. I think we sometimes forget that julie literally wrote, directed, and I believe (?) assisted w editing and soundtrack too. i cant imagine doing all that under so much pressure, trying to bring so many storylines to a conclusion whilst simultaneously creating a goodbye-season to a show she put her life into the past two years. I’m so fucking appreciative of her. and you know what? all in all julie wrote some pretty damn beautiful episodes and scenes, and you can tell she loves this show just as much as we do. ➔and honestly this is maybe one reason I’m more wary of watching remake s4′s, bc like.. this season meant SO much bc it was the last season of skam. we knew it was the last season. the final episode is more or less a love letter, a goodbye to the show. whereas w some remakes (do i have to say whomst) its like.. that love isnt there. it’s just another season. yknow? in conclusion I miss skam so much :(

ok whew if ur reading this ur a champion but also why did you just read 5k of me rambling about how much I love sana bakkoush??

#not one coherent or intelligent thing is said in the entirety of this post but enjoy #skam #blabbey #clownfest 2019

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murphystartedthefire · 5 years

Text

Conageddon: Luisa d’Oliveira’s Panel + associated stuff

So it’s just my luck that immediately after posting my Richard/Luisa recap, a whole bunch of the Conageddon panels including that one became available online! I definitely encourage people to check them out!

Unfortunately the people who taped them missed Luisa’s solo panel and Richard’s solo panel. So I will still recap those to the best of my ability like I was planning to.

PANEL

- As with all the panels, it was introduced with a fan video - it was this one that had an angsty/uplifting focus on Emori finding acceptance with spacekru. <3 Luisa said afterwards that she loves watching videos that fans cut together because it’s seeing her character's journey through their eyes.

- She talked about the backstories she’s come up with for Emori. She had different ideas and then the stuff with Baylis filled in some gaps but left a lot open. (Some of this came up at Unity Days also btw! I just don't think I wrote it up then because I didn’t have time. *hides*) She thinks the real Baylis was someone who collected outcast/mutated children and basically raised her, in an abusive and psychologically manipulative way. Her headcanon is that Otan was not her biological brother, but that she bonded with him during that time and they’d gotten out together.

- Going into season five, she said she had two ideas about what could happen with Emori in space -- she would either end up friends with everyone, or she'd not know how to deal with it and become more antagonistic. Which is basically what happened to John Murphy, so she was like “I nailed it” for both of them, hee.

- She has a project coming up but it’s on a new show/pilot and can’t say anything about it. [Note from Nicole: To be clear it might just be a minor role and not necessarily a big 100-affecting deal.]

- I asked her a question about her video game role in "Far Cry 5" -- she did the motion capture as well as voice acting for the game! So she talked about what that was like, wearing the suit with the beads and moving around a room reacting to people who weren’t there. The hardest part was knowing how much to act with her face, because on TV you would try to use subtle expressions, but the animation might not catch it and just look blank.

- In season 4 it was interesting having scenes with a lot of new characters and she’d think about what Murphy would have told her about them. A moment that didn't make it onscreen is when they're planning to go up in the rocket, John says something snarky and Bellamy gives him a "Shut up, Murphy" or something like that, and on one of the takes she just immediately GLARED at Bellamy like how dare you talk to him like that. *G*

- An audience member asked how she would want Emori to die. She says "happy", she would like an ending like Monty and Harper had, either that or in a "blaze of glory." Emori would not go down quietly.

- Moderator Jo followed this up with asking if she would lay down her life for John Murphy. Luisa says absolutely, he would for her and she would also, that's been established many times. Pointed to the scene in God Complex when she was trying to convince him not to fight for her. (She started cutely “reenacting” it like noooo save yourself and joked that was the original version before she helped them rewrite it.)

- Luisa’s Book Club recs: "The Brain That Changes Itself" by Norman Doidge and "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl. She also loves Jane Austen and a book character she wishes she could transport into The 100 is Elizabeth Bennet.

- A character she would like to do more with is Indra. She never had any real female mentor relationships, at least before space.

- There were two really moving comments/questions in a row about her portrayal of Emori from people with diabilities, one said it was so important especially to see disabled love on TV, the other talking about the humanity and poise she gives her like few other disabled characters. She acknowledged she comes to it as someone who doesn’t have that experience in real life and wants to be respectful. She always just tried to ground it in something real and draw from the times she’s felt judged and isolated in her life, the feeling of walking into a room where everyone else is part of a family and she didn't belong there. :..( Authentic without it being the only thing that defines her.

- Toward the end she was trying out her English (Cockney) and Irish acccents. Not bad at them! She said she once talked to a drunk man in Ireland and he believed her fake accent, just thought she was from some other town. But she thinks it wouldn't have worked if he was sober. *g*

- Her favorite hot snack on set is pierogies. She was definitely also asked about her love of Italian food and what she likes to cook but I forgot! There was one audience guy who said he also has his friends over for dinner to watch the 100 and she was like “we were probably cooking at the same time.”

- Asked to describe Emori in season six with one emoji. She eventually went with “the one that's a straight line mouth and big eyes” -- which is actually the "Neutral Face". LOL clever.

- HI I GOT BACK UP ON THE MIC AND ASKED ABOUT THE "JOHN MURPHY I FELL IN LOVE WITH" SCENE and when (or if) Emori's feelings changed between that and the finale. Luisa says: Emori's feelings never changed, that wasn't the problem. To her that scene was about her trying to be logical and think with her head. When he was injured, her heart took over and everything else went out the window.

- What Emori now (or at the end of S5) would tell herself in her first episode: "There are people worth trusting even if they don't seem that way at first."

- Luisa’s advice to her own younger self (I’m pulling this from a livetweet): Don’t be so afraid of taking chances, saying or doing the wrong thing. Just keep paying attention and keep your mind open. Be kind. Be confident. You're good.

OTHER LUISA STUFF

- While her VIP and panel were criminally under-attended compared to some of the guests, I was really happy to see a ton of people did visit her in the autograph room and she had a good line throughout. She even got an Emori Pop! from the same person who’d made mine.

- I should also mention that when I interrupted her and Richard’s beer pong tournament in my party dress Friday night, she immediately recognized me as the one who always dresses at Emori and told Richard that was me. *blush* So I decided to go to her auto table on the day when I was in the outfit and my friend captured a shot of her hugging me.

- Whew, the other big thing was that I gave both her and Richard the mixtapes I made for their characters. Hers is basically the same as the one I posted for Emori Appreciation Week... She seemed genuinely touched and happy and was like “I’ll probably put these into my workbook” and I was like ohhh no haha I hope you just like *one* of them. She already knows “Creep” is on it, was saying it’s a big Emori song for her and describes exactly how she felt in vulnerable moments.

- I also brought up something she said on one of the early panels (with all the girls) about how Emori carries stress in her body and I did notice that in the scene she was talking about. I also noticed that when she's scared she usually reacts with anger like she's trying to cover it. She said she definitely did that intentionally, it’s an animal-like instinct Emori has -- when some animals are threatened, they try to go “I’M SCARY!!” (aww) Another way she’s like a cat.

- Also on Sunday toward the end, I ran into some of the cast near the VIP hallway and Luisa grabbed me and thanked me for my questions at her panel. ;___; This woman.

#luisasource #luisa d'oliveira #emori #emorisquad #the 100 cast #cute for a thief #conageddon

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the-nysh · 5 years

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Who are your favourite manga/anime protagonists of all time and why?

Of…of ALL TIME!? *mind goes blank* Whew, that’s a difficult + huge pool to choose from, but ‘protagonists’ actually narrows it down, as not all my fav characters are the protags either. Usually I go for the Vegeta + Raphael archetypes instead, cause their character arcs (growth that’s often emotion-based) are more interesting/appealing to me. Protags in general are often nice and likeable by default (in the sense that if I didn’t like them, I wouldn’t force myself to continue the story where they’re the main focus), but they’re also often portrayed with average traits to make them most relatable to the target demographic. Many of them are similarly structured this way with comparable traits/behaviors, so I tend to prefer the ones who can still stand out (in their own unique way) from the rest in general. I also tend to prefer those who aren’t ‘chosen ones’ or who don’t have special hereditary gifts. Instead I prefer them being special through the merits of their own character and the choices they make. So with that criteria said, some names definitely came to mind.

Nausicaa: probably the one I most looked up to and was inspired by as a kid. She did everything I liked and thought was cool, from her free flying/piloting abilities, exploring nature on her own, running her own lab, easily befriending animals, and often finding interesting/different solutions to things that her people wouldn’t conceive of (often in a pacifist way). She could still lead and take charge & responsibility of things as a princess, but still believed in freely doing what she wants (and could still be girly about it too). However, the defining scene that most stuck with me all these years, was her reaction upon finding her father assassinated. The one where she wordlessly gaped in horror and flew into a blind rage (even Teto, her critter, sensed it and got scared), and murdered every assailant in the room with a blunt weapon. Before she picks up the nearest sword and her uncle stops her with his own body, accidentally harming him in the process, and shocking her to her senses, where she then becomes so petrified and guilty at what she’s done that she passes out. She confessed she became that afraid of herself when her emotions and anger ran out of control. And I thought, wow that’s powerful, especially unprecedented and rare for a female (mostly pacifist!) character to suddenly do as well, because that was the strength of her heart, her love for her family, that shone and drove her with the instinct to react so brutally that way. It always made me take pause and ponder, that if I witnessed anything like that happen to my own family or those I cared about, just what form would my anger manifest in response? It’s chilling and ugly to think about, because I’d never want that to happen, but I honestly don’t know if I could hold back either. So I could understand her fear. It’s quite humbling. It’s always this scene I remember and gauge in comparison to when I see other characters strongly react with that same righteous anger/instinctual drive to protect who they care about. And it’s always a fav when I see that happen.

Edward Elric: oh he’s definitely a keeper. Probably one of the most well-rounded and human I’ve seen, with the full spectrum of emotion, badass feats, and quirky + dorky character traits of his own too. A standard I feel, when it comes to well-written and memorable shonen protags. Probably one of my first legit anime crushes obsessions back in the day (even way before Brotherhood existed). I got all the merch, shirts, wall scrolls and everything (got a bunch of craft models for Nausicaa too for that matter). I remember back when my sister asked me who my fav character of the series was, and I answered him without hesitation, but she said ‘oh that’s boring’ just because he’s the protag, (://) so preferring him is apparently expected I guess, oh well. I didn’t go back on my answer then, and I don’t think I could ever go back on it now either. I still faithfully wear an old chibi keychain of him on my bag. My fav scene is probably that really touching moment when he convinced Winry not to kill with a gun, because her hands were better for healing, including how she created and continually fixes/heals his arm & leg. :’) Just ahhh, keeper.

Guts: hoooo boy. The one and only. The most badass determinator around, continually struggling against all the absolute shit dealt to his life. Just ugh, it’s amazing he hasn’t keeled over yet, after surviving through so much literal hell. His life is just eternal suffering and tragedy, and he’s accepted going down that path. He almost submits to the despair sometimes, but he’s strong. Strong to keep going and not give in no matter how bad it gets. Because he has a mission he absolutely must see through and commit to the end. It’s both painful and awesome to watch him, and I honestly have no idea how he can win (vs Griffith) on his own eventually, but I can only hope he survives to achieve some form of happiness someday, because damn, it’s been so unfair to him. Please just give him a break. I’ll be in that long haul of a ride just to see how he’s doing.

For more recent protags (and I wish I could choose more girls), ONE is definitely onto something though with his massively relatable yet genuinely hard-working characters, where even if they’re strong in ways, they’re also very humble, and their own merits shine through even stronger. Saitama probably fits my fav protag criteria, along with being an interesting commentary on what happens once you reach the peak of your craft. Is it really worth all the hard work and effort if there’s no one else to share it with? Most interesting food for thought. However, I’m still waiting for him to do something more…where he becomes a bit less passive (and oblivious) to things happening around him, and a bit more engaged and emotionally receptive. For example, if he’s physically invulnerable, then that leaves his mental/emotional vulnerability as a possible target. If it ever comes to that, and he can feel something that makes him react, reflect, and feel alive again, then that’ll be something worth waiting for. He’d really enter my all-time favs that way.

Another recent one who’s caught my eye is Senku (Dr. Stone). Sometimes you’d think he’d be a scheming sneaky bastard (mad scientist) but he’s actually a very standup and compassionate guy. Trustworthy, persistent, and dependable. He’s quirky, he’s unique, and he’s not your typical shonen protag. (He’s also immune to all advances; not interested in the slightest cause his priorities are much stronger.) And I like that. It’s like if Hiruma (es21) got the chance to be the protag, but more down to earth and less threatening/imposing. So far the story’s still pretty new but he’s already pretty memorable. Just gotta see now how his persistence and faith in science will change and save the post-apocalyptic world.

#Anonymous #replies #long post #did a readmore cause some reasons got kinda personal #i got a handful of memorable greats who i think are unique (just wish there'd be more girl protags to choose from)#(but who i chose probably isn't too surprising)#including some more recent ones i've got my eye on

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evakuality · 5 years

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Fic: A Science Experiment (2.4k)

So this is the first of the fics I wrote while I was away. It was inspired by a prompt on my previous ‘discussing awkward things’ fic (which is ... apparently becoming a thing, now) Knowing what to do, and which said: My kingdom for your take on the apartment reconciliation scene :) from E7. Now, there are a thousand ways that could go so this is just one idea I have and it takes place some time after the camera fades out on that reunion scene. Enjoy!

“So that happened,” Isak says.

He’s flopped back on the bed, his limbs flung wherever they fall, his body’s defined lines emphasized by the way he’s lying and the sight does something to Even.

They’ve never been naked together like this before, and the fact that Isak is so unselfconscious makes Even’s head swim. He hopes he gets to see this sight forever; Isak breathless and sated, lying in a post-orgasm haze, completely unconscious of his own body and in no rush to cover himself. Still. There’s one small thing intruding on the delight. Isak’s voice is breathless and shaky, but Even can’t tell if it’s from the release of his orgasm or from nerves. It’s never been easy to tell with Isak what it is he’s thinking, and it’s particularly difficult now after their recent separation. Despite the sex, Even can feel the distance between them like a canyon. He sighs.

“It did, yeah,” he says. Rolls so he can reach out to Isak, and runs his fingers along his jaw. Isak’s face goes slack, blissful. It makes something ache inside Even in a painfully sweet way. “Was it … okay?” Even adds, trying to navigate the shores of Isak’s mind as best he can -- and at the moment, that’s going to have to be by actually asking him. This is new territory, and Even’s still trying to chart it.

Isak’s eyes narrow in suspicion, which is, frankly, more adorable than it has any right to be, and Even is hard pressed to resist anything he wants. Apparently, this is going to be what post-sex life is like for them. Even is going to be putty in Isak’s hands and give him everything he wants.

“Of course it was fucking okay,” Isak says, his tone disbelieving. “I just got an actual blow job from an actual god …”

“Actual god, huh?” Even laughs, charmed as always by the way Isak can so easily express his emotions, as if they just are and he fully accepts them.

“Shut up,” Isak says with an irritated growl. “You’re just fishing for more compliments now.” He looks fond though, and hopeful. As if he’s warily enjoying this moment, and the ease and banter between them.

That side of Isak, the hesitant hope he’s showing, recalls Even to himself and what he was really trying to ask. “I mean, it’s nice to know I did a decent job …” he says, and Isak snorts.

“It was passable.”

“Passible!?! You just called me a god!” Even’s trying to be chill about this, but every passing moment makes Isak a little more perfect, and he’s finding it hard to focus. Finding it hard not to laugh his joy with every new utterance Isak makes.

Isak’s expression softens at the faux-affronted tone and he smiles. “I did,” he says with a fond pat on Even’s shoulder. “And … you were.” At Even’s raised brow, Isak smiles. “You were decent. More than decent.” He looks down for a moment, embarrassed maybe if the stain of red on his cheeks is any indicator. “It was great.”

“Okay,” Even says, not even bothering to hide his relief. It’s not like he’s been agonizing over this or anything; it was, if anything, a spur of the moment decision in the heat of the situation. But he’s not going to lie and say he’s never thought about it, either. He’s wondered reasonably often what it would be like to do. Thought about what Isak might like, and if Even would be any good at it. “It was my first one. Giving one, I mean.”

Isak’s about to open his mouth, presumably to make some comment on that, but Even holds up his hand to stall him. He needs to get this off his chest before he loses his nerve or Isak distracts him completely. “But that’s not actually why I asked if it was okay.” Even takes a deep breath, looks over at Isak to calm himself. “I kind of … we didn’t talk … before. So I guess I just need to be sure you’re okay with … with us … doing … you know, that.” He hates that he’s so hesitant, that asking Isak if sex is something he’s okay with is so scary. He really should have said something before they got to this point.

“Oh,” Isak says, his eyes wide with a new comprehension, and he grins suddenly. “I … yeah.” He sucks in a breath, looks a little shy when he adds, “I’m happy with doing that with you … whenever you like. Really. I wanted to; you got that, right?”

“Okay, whew,” Even says, pulling Isak in a little closer, wanting that closeness and reassurance of his body so warm next to Even’s. He’s happier now; Isak seems sincere and it’s enough to know they’re on the same page with this. “I thought so, but you know … since we hadn’t before, and all, I really should have asked first.”

Isak laughs a little at that. “I think the way I was undressing you might have been a hint.”

“You have a point,” Even says with a laugh of his own. He’s feeling a lot less concerned with just a few sentences of conversation and thinks he really should say some of the other things that are weighing on his mind.

They lie like that for several minutes. They’re still naked and there are sticky messes everywhere, but Even’s unwilling to disturb this fragile peace, even though he knows it’s probably better that he does. It’s delicate between them, and the acknowledgement of the lost couple of weeks is a heavy silence in the air.

Even knows he needs to say the words. He should just screw up his courage and say it: I’m bipolar, and you telling me you’re better off without mentally ill people … well it hurt me, and it scares me. But he can’t do it. There’s a weight and a meaning to those words, and a terrifying possibility that comes along with that admission. The possibility that Isak means what he said before. That if Even risks it all, then he could lose it all. And now that he’s here, now that Isak is lying with him, his body pliant and warm and trusting, Even doesn’t have the strength to make that leap.

Unfortunately, Even knows he has to do something; they can’t leave all the open wounds bleeding between them like this while they ignore them all in favor of sex and teasing, much as that would be his preferred option. So he stirs a little, looks at Isak who also appears to be deep in concentration. Even takes a steadying breath, both to counter the effect of how beautiful that sight is, and to prepare himself for what he has to say. To settle himself before he speaks of all the things that sit so wide in the spaces between them. Things like Sonja, and where they should take this from here. His preparation is interrupted by Isak, however.

“You know you said that was your first one?” Isak asks softly, and there’s fragility in his voice that makes Even’s heart ache and draws his attention away from his own thoughts.

“Mmm,” Even agrees, wrapping his arm around Isak’s shoulder and pulling him in as close as he can.

“It was … it was my first, too.” His voice is barely a whisper and Even can hardly make it out. “Getting one, I mean.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

There’s a vulnerability there which makes Even’s heart ache even more. It’s obviously something Isak’s a little ashamed of; his body language is all taut lines and anxious twitches as he makes the confession. Even’s not sure what he can do to make it easier for him, so he just smiles.

“That’s chill.”

“Chill?” Isak says, and his voice is half amused laugh, half outrage.

“Yeah.” Even kisses his hair. “That means I could be the literal worst at it and you’d still think I was a god.”

That startles a delighted laugh out of Isak, and his body releases some of its tension. “You’re a fucking dork,” he says.

“What? Where’s the lie?” Even demands with another laugh and a fond kiss just because he can.

Isak huffs out another small laugh, but then falls silent. Even gives himself the moment to enjoy being here, trails his fingers through Isak’s hair. The curls spring back around his fingers, making pleasantly random patterns as they fall. Isak hums his contentment, and wriggles even closer. It’s so reminiscent of the first night Even spent here, only with a lot fewer clothes, that he feels the pull of nostalgia. It’s also very different; it may only have been a few small weeks, but they’re very different people now. At least, Even knows he’s changed, and he’s sure everything that’s happened must have affected Isak too. In fact, he saw it in his drawn face and listless body language the few times he’d seen him since that fateful day in the locker room. This whole thing between them … it’s all still new and exciting, heady in a way Even hasn’t felt in a very long time, but there are also all those layers of history lying in the bed with them.

“Would you want that?” Isak asks abruptly, startling Even out of his thoughts and leaving him blinking in confusion.

“Huh?”

“A blow job,” Isak says bluntly, proving that his thoughts have been travelling on a very different track to Even’s. He drops the worries that had been swarming, and lets Isak draw him onto this much more pleasant topic.

“Well,” Even says, adopting a fake-contemplative tone. “I’m never going to say no to that. I fucking love them.”

Isak smirks at that, but now there are anxious lines forming between his brows. “It wouldn’t be your first, though,” he says, and there’s a thin thread of anxiety running through his voice as well. “So what if it’s terrible?”

“That wasn’t my first handjob, either, and it was pretty fucking awesome.”

“That’s different,” Isak says with a scowl. “I do that to myself, so I know … stuff.”

He’s defiant. Juts his chin up and stares at Even, who can see the fear that he won’t measure up sitting behind the challenging look.

“You know it’s not a competition, right?”

“I know,” Isak sighs, and there’s red staining his cheeks again as he drags his eyes away. “But it still feels … I dunno. Like I have to live up to what you had before. Like if I don’t, you might … get bored.”

Even gets it; he knows what that’s like. Remembers the way he fumbled with Sonja when she’d come into their relationship with more experience than he did. But at the same time, this is Isak. He’s so beautiful and his mere touch lights up Even’s body in a way he’s never had before, not even with Sonja. Or in a different way, anyway.

“I don’t think it’ll be an issue,” he says, drawing Isak into another firm hug, and tries to kiss the worry off his lips. “Just looking at you is enough to get me horny. Having your lips on my dick …” Even feels his body reacting as he says the words, let alone if it actually happened, and he grins. “Well … you can feel what even the idea of it does to me.”

Even moves so he’s pressed against Isak and can show him exactly what he means. Isak’s eyes widen as he feels just how hard Even is, then his face slips immediately into a calculating smirk.

“I guess,” he says, pressing back making Even’s head light as he feels the hard, hot length of Isak’s arousal. “I guess maybe I need some practice. Maybe I should conduct a science experiment. You know … figure out what is the best way to do it.”

“My science nerd,” Even says, feeling fondness humming through him again as isak’s eyes go distant and misty as he thinks it through. Even pretends to consider the idea, pretends to take his time before he says in a faux put-upon voice, “I guess if you really need the practice and want to do this experiment, I can help. Offer myself up as your practice test subject.”

“How selfless of you,” Isak says, a small grin crinkling the corners of his eyes.

“Anything to help advance your scientific experiments. You just need to pay me in blow jobs; I’m a simple man.”

The attempt at nonchalance is somewhat ruined by the gasps he makes at the end as Isak presses closer, making Even see stars as his sensitive dick reacts to the proximity of Isak’s.

“A true gentleman,” Isak says, laughing as he drags his body up Even’s to kiss him. It’s all looking very promising for a few moments before Isak sits up and swings his legs over the side of the bed.

“Where are you going?” Even asks, pouting.

“If I’m going to start this experiment, I need a clean slate.” Isak gives Even a small smile over his shoulder. “And that means you have to have a shower.”

Even’s dismay must show on his face because Isak stands and holds his hand out to him.

“Don’t worry,” he says with a wink. “I need to be sure my test subject is properly cleaned ready for the experiments. So I’ll join you. You know … just to make sure it’s done thoroughly.”

As Isak draws Even behind him out of the bedroom, he thinks it’s not so bad. It’s nice to be with someone who will tease him like this, someone who will actively try to do things to make it easier with them. Someone who isn’t scared to push himself and learn new things. The fragility of the earlier evening is gone, at least for now, and while Even knows he still has a lot that needs to be addressed, he’s happy to be here doing this with Isak right now. It’s more than he’d ever hoped for before he got isak’s first text this evening. And this time … well, this time Even’s going to do all he can to ensure he doesn’t risk losing it all.

#skam #my fic stuff #my prompt stuff

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cow1sequester · 4 years

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EPISODE 4 - “I can't wait to be a silent background player that comes up and makes top 4″ - Patrick

TWIST: Kingdom

ELIMINATED: Will (Battle Match) // Ryan (10-3-1)

JAROD

That last round had me scared SHITLESS. The way I had a 20% chance of going home... I was quaking. I'm so sad for Christian because he seemed really sweet, and I can't believe that it went to the wheel. Someone must've been trying to do some shady shit. We probably won't be able to figure out who till after the season, but I am spooked by whatever happened last night and hope that it never happens again.

BLAKE

So! I’m feeling pretty good about my spot in the game! Sorry I haven’t made any confessionals, but I’m trying to lay as low as possible in order to just make it to the jury part of the game. I have strong relationships with a large portion of the house and I think I’m generally being perceived as somebody very just like... there? Which is fine for me: I don’t think I was ever in any danger TRULY so! Woo! I’m doing good mom

OWEN

So yesterday was absolutely wild and a little frustrating. My original idea to NOT self vote paid off....lol. Our whole alliance was a mess tho because autumn was supposed to vote me but then will told me she told him she was voting him and I was like uhhh well she can’t vote me AND will so I messaged her and was like what’s goin on and she was like ‘oh haha I was just thinking about whether or not I should tell u not to vote urself’ like GIRL!?!? U were CONSIDERING screwing me over? Thanks Autumn. Anyways I was safe but the revote got me fucked up.... akeylah Ian Isaac jarod Blake and ryan were eligible: Isaac and Jarod the alliance wanted to save, Blake messaged a lot of ppl and I didn’t wanna lie to him again, and ryan is dad and also ppl wanted to keep him. Akeylah and Ian.... stressed me out. Akeylah and I were not on great terms but made up so I didn’t wanna throw her name out and also I thought she might pick me for battle. Ian is my friend before this game but we haven’t talked Much in it and I knew he wouldn’t pick me. And I didn’t have a lot of time to push anything because graduation shit so I let the vote be Ian.... AND THEN SOMEONE TRIED TI MESS WITH SHIT AND IT WENT TO WHEEL AND I LOST CHRISTIAN :((((((( I’m so so so sad. I liked christian almost more than I liked talking to my alliance. Not only did I lose my closest ally but I also had to do major damage control with Ian. It wasn’t that major lmao but I agreed to an alliance of him Blake and beck and I like them. Idk that round kind of tanked my game a bit it proved my alliance Of six is too big to have any kind of coordination, autumn was willing to do her own thing and screw me over, jared and I didn’t see eye to eye, I lied to Blake, I almost or basically did screw Ian over, I lost christian..: it’s bad. But at least I’m still here right

JARED

I just want to make a quick confessional about how I went about last round because it was pretty chaotic. I knew the only way to guarantee safety was if I had more than one vote against me, so I went around to various people and tried to show them that a good goal was to aim for 0 votes. That is because I could then get them to use their vote against me. Once I had accomplished this with Patrick, Jarod, Raul, and Beck- I could confidently go to Juls and tell her to vote for herself and that I would vote for her as well, making us both safe. Raul didn't actually vote for me, he came to me and said that 'Beck is voting for me because he and I don't talk much.' Because Raul was under the assumption that I would already have 2 votes (Beck and myself), he wanted to use his vote on someone else. This showed me that I can trust Beck and Raul because they are both protecting me from the other. Then when the results came out, I made a chat of the 10 people who were not vulnerable, and tried to convince everyone that avoiding the wheel was the best option. It seemed to work and we came to a plan of '7 votes Blake, 3 votes Ian.' (Ian getting evicted.) But my intention was to spoil it and throw my vote on Ryan because I trust him the least. I actually ended up falling asleep before I voted, and we still ended up going to the wheel because 1 or 2 people did not follow through with the plan either. With anonymous voting that was bound to happen, but trying to avoid the wheel was worth a shot. My gut tells me either Will or Nathan spoiled it.

BLAKE

so i just found an LOS !! so excited about it!!! obviously, my goal is to only use it if im being dragged in. with owen in royalty i feel really safe this round and my goal is to just agree to every movement the kingdom wants, and hope the knights also want that to occur, in order to set up owen and autumn to get chosen for the battle match this week by an angry nominee! all the while keeping my hands clean and the los secretly in my pocket ! i think my perceived inactivish will help conceal the fact i have this. nobody will find out !

JARED

I'm getting exposed I don't know shit about Macbeth

PATRICK

Okay so this is my first confessional and thats kinda shitty. So in the first week i was just getting the gist of everything and then as Alexis Matteo would say BAM! right into the battle round. I won that and was so happy because I just went home first in my game before this. Week two we got split into two tribes and i wanted to work with nathan because i liked him and we love ari. but then something happened with raul and everything got all mixed up. Nathan told me raul was targeting me so i tried to go against raul and rally the people whos names were coming up. and then i got voted out lmao. But i won the hardest thing ive done in an org ever tbh. That 5x5 board of challenge was SO stressful but i felt like amazing coming out of that a winner, like AMAZING. and then week three WHEW IM SAFE me and jared out thought the system and i voted for him giving me 0 and him 2. genius. He then became the person i trust the most, if i make it to the end and lose to him i wont care. but then we tied twice became vulnerable LOL. Christain got rocked out and did the most unchristian thing i have ever witnessed and sent me into my THIRD ELIMINATION. but thankfully I don't thnk will wanted to compete and because of the LOS twist i got oneeeeee and also got introduced to rina sawayama which was two good outcomes. and now its week four and im safe from the vote which is like the only time i really feel like i have to worry because i feel like people will be afraid to against me in a battle match post jury. I just need to make it there and play my LOS right in way to save myself or jared. I can't wait to be a silent background player that comes up and makes top 4. THIS IS FOR YOU MICHAEL HEARNE

BLAKE

so! whiplash... i decided to tell beck about the los because i want to work with him. im morally obligated to do that now, so i can morally hold it above beck if he does decide to ever vote me out

#cowsequester #episodes

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thirstyfortom · 7 years

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Saeran and V waking up with MC for the first time

Hey! Here are Saeran and V in addition to that Waking up with MC for the first time post. Sorry it took a while to answer, I wasn’t really inspired to do them, so... I’m sorry if this isn’t as cute as the original post.

Saeran

He wakes up feeling something tickling his nose.

Is his brother pulling that stupid prank he pulled on Yoosung? Does he have whip cream in one of his hands waiting to get splashed on his face?

For fuck’s sake, his brother is such an idiot and… oh, wait! That thing tickling his nose is your hair.

And Saeyoung isn’t here, but you are. Beside him. IN THE BED!

Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit! Have you two…? Are you… naked? No! He can’t look! He won’t look! No! No! No! Shit, he looks.

And you have your clothes on, so has he. Whew, what a relief!

Relief? Yeah, maybe a little, but… what if something actually happened? Would it be wrong? Bad?

Is he ready for this kind of intimacy? Is he ready to let himself get all of your affection? Does he deserve it?

He doesn’t feel like he deserves. Yes, the reason why you’re with him right now is because he had one of his episodes last night and you stayed to calm him.

It worked, apparently, as he actually slept. Well, that was new, he rarely has any sleep, he’s so scared of his painful dreams, he didn’t had any that night…

But… what about you? Are you okay with this? With him being like this?

“Saeran? Are you okay?” you rise your head and he feels his breath being taken away, your hair is a mess, you have bags under your eyes, and yet… you look beautiful!

“Y-Yes. I’m… I’m fine. I… am sorry for last night, MC, I…” “Don’t worry, it was all a nightmare, just rest a little more…” you make him nuzzle at your chest.

It wasn’t a nightmare, it was real. Yet you stayed until he fell asleep. When did you actually get a chance to sleep that night?

He’s so self-conscious and worried, but… your heartbeat… is calming him down… he’s feeling sleepy again…

This isn’t a dream, this is real.

He wakes up with your breath against his chest.

It’s so calm and soothing and… wait, are you two actually cuddling?

How did this happen? Oh yeah… he remembers.

You two are camping in this beautiful mountain, he managed to bring you along so you could help him with the photos.

It was cold at night, really cold as the blankets you brought weren’t enough, so he suggested you two hugged to keep each other warm.

He chuckles remembering you clearing your throat in embarrassment, but it was very cold…

And you are very warm, indeed. And soft… and your hair smells like heaven and… how can someone be so perfect even at such a vulnerable state?

Or is the vulnerability that makes you perfect like this? He grew some afraid of vulnerability for some time after… well, you know

But right now, he wants to allow himself being vulnerable around you as much as you are around him.

He also wants having you in his arms like this every day and night, but… no, maybe that’s too much.

“Jihyun?” oh, your sleepy voice calling his real name… is he really awake? Isn’t this a dream? “Are you still cold?”

“A little, MC. Can’t you come a little closer?” you are too sleepy to feel flustered, so you just put your leg over his body.

He wasn’t really cold, but now he’s definitely shivering.

#mystic messenger headcanon #mystic messenger #saeran choi #mystic messenger v #jihyun kim

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ashleygraceplus-blog · 7 years

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Church Break, Mama Breakthrough.

Like I’ve shared before, I have made a decision to stay back from church (the building) every 2nd & 4th Sunday while my husband and kids volunteer in the kids building for all 3 services. They were MADE for crowds and full of energy. It’s right up their alley. God is using them there in great ways AND using those experiences in BIG WAYS to shape them. I’m proud of them, I support them and I am grateful for their willingness to serve people in this way.

I am different from them. I have finally overcome the guilt and the shame preached on me by pastors and fellow Christians that I. SHOULD. SERVE. IN. MY. CHURCH. (the building) - pass offering plates, pour coffee, set up chairs, teach classes…(all necessary tasks to keep a church organization running, thank you to those who do this work!) I’ve let go of the belief forced on me that my inability to muster up enough spoons to be among the noise and chaos of bulk human interaction was somehow a sin, a disobedience to my calling.

My service comes in different forms. In self care - in quiet recharging and filling of my patience and love tanks before the craziness that is children and a um… “youthful” husband come roaring back in. In gentle talks with my mother over coffee. In updating her ideas of what a woman can and cannot do with their life. In reteaching her God’s love. In sitting alone on the porch in gratefulness, soaking in nature, the breeze, watching the ants carry food back to their families. In thinking. In planning. In processing the events of the week, the month, life…pondering what each of my family members need from me, need prayer for, might benefit by, if I could change my reactions or take a different angle of approach to next time. In small acts of service around the house - rescuing a toy or device that almost was a goner, picking up and organizing an area in a way that will make it ready and easier to be used as soon as it is needed. Visually surveying their living spaces and gaining insight about how they function daily, what they need to succeed. What will make life simpler so there is more time for the important stuff - calm, loving togetherness. Preparing myself spiritually for the human interactions I will have throughout the week. Taking in what I need for me in order to have what I’ll need and want to give to them.

I’ve let go of the belief forced on me that my inability to muster up enough spoons to be among the noise and chaos of bulk human interaction was somehow a sin, a disobedience to my calling.

My service looks more like checking in on or simply sending a note of love to the kindred spirits I’ve been gifted in my tribe - my church (the people) - along the way - the ones who are mentally in pieces, unsure they want to continue, those who are chronically or terminally ill, energy given to them in waves, never knowing when they’ll be able to leave the house again, some who never will. Those who are overwhelmed, overworked, underthanked, some who have been dealt a plain old shitty hand in life, are tired of waiting for God to heal, who are angered by being preached to and prayed for, who are just DONE with religion because THEIR SOULS HAVEN’T BEEN AWAKENED by the influence of traditional church. Those who have straight up been damaged by the church-hurt and had it justified under the guise of “God’s will”. Friends who circle the drain but yet always find the strength to dig out, or at least reach out for someone to grab their hand. I’m one of those hands. That’s my service. And that’s been their service to me, as well.

My service looks more like checking in on or simply sending a note of love to the kindred spirits I’ve been gifted in my tribe - my church (the people)

Many times, church in a building robs me of that. It rapes my peace. I have no clearer way to describe it. Churches have crushed my spirit and crushed me again when I look to the faces of the far-from-God guests that I’ve brought with me. When I can do church hand-in-hand with my husband, when I can belt my heart out to age-old hymns and when I can listen to new stories that captivate every ounce of my attention, stealing it into another dimension of wonder for 45 minutes, messages that encourage me to turn from shame and embrace grace, that stretch and challenge me to love- actively, practically LOVE more authentically, to TRUST THE HEART, MIND & BODY that God has made exactly for me and left me with a Spirit guide to show me how to use my gifts (that I FAR TOO OFTEN shrug off because humans have directed me differently - either harshly via words or implied through actions or inaction. My believing them, my allowing them to break my spirit, was truly a disobedience to my calling)… Sermons that leave me feeling more connected to God and the people in the seats around me…that is the church I am truly grateful for. Paula Stone Williams, Bob Goff <3

Churches have crushed my spirit and crushed me again when I look to the faces of the far-from-God guests that I’ve brought with me.

Mama and I were just chatting about what we want to be when we grow up. She’s tired of the crutches and ready to just get out and around. I said I think I’m going to try to get Zane in preschool full day this year because he NEEEEDS so much more interaction than I am mentally able to provide him with and he thrives on socialization. The time away from each other will only make our together times more meaningful and we’ll be better able to love each other. Then I told her how, when I was in 5th grade, I was going to be an elementary school English teacher. When I graduated high school, I was going to be a child psychologist…

We all know how that turned out. If you don’t have a solid plan at graduation of at least what you will and won’t accept for your life and you have a fragile sense of self worth and a big ol’ empty attention hole in your soul and waaaay too much love to give out that no one was previously around to recognize, receive or return…well, you might come out of your 20’s gushing with pathetic brokenness. BUT you might also find yourself lucky enough to look down as you take your last running step out of the city behind you, which is crumbling to the ground, and realize that you’ve escaped that battleground grasping a tiny human prize in your beaten up arms who needs you and wants you (for the first 10 years, at least) which makes the whole struggle worth it.

And then single mom-dom. When that chip on your shoulder - the “I can do it all alone (because I always have and just have to)” starts to dissolve, when it begins to get in the way of relationship and you realize an inability to be vulnerable because you know better… Oh, how it breaks you down on your knees BEGGING for something…more. More chances for his future, more rapid maturing, confidence, patience and knowledge for you. Tougher skin. MERCY. FORGIVENESS. Which brings you back to God.

And finding your way back to God? Your OWN God, not your parental figure’s God used to scare you into submission to their need for control or to the evils of societal norms, but The REAL version of God? The one who wants to prosper you and not hurt you? The one who adored you all along, unconditionally, and had arms WIDE open, patiently waiting for you to just WANT to crawl up into them and deeply exhale everything you’ve been carrying on your own, impossibly… The God who was modeled by my Jesus who walked among us LOVING, DE-SHAMING, standing up for the weak, the lesser, the bullied, the hurting. The one who recognized his own human need for quiet, alone, recharging before draining himself of his purpose, pouring out into those around him. TOTALLY worth it. That was the point all along.

And then you may spend the next 20 years thinking you’re doing it all wrong - religioning, churching (or not churching), publicly sharing, publicly questioning and challenging, parenting while under the influence of overwhelm, totally hating the idea of textbook wife-dom, being sane, in general? - all wrong. Screwing it all up, but every now and then, a glimmer of hope that you did a few things kinda OK. And then you remember and are warmed and reassured by a thing called “grace”. And then you keep going, wrapped safely in that grace.

But, I digress. SO MUCH. Whew! Sorry about that. Back on track, back on track. My POINT in writing THIS post has to do with my short conversation with Mama this morning. DO YOU KNOW WHAT MY MOTHER SAID TO ME when I reminisced about my childhood dreams that I had for my future? So sweetly and convincingly and with this tender, fond knowing and encouragement that came from MY MOTHER:

“Well, you are very good with children. You have a special way of explaining things to them. You’re a very good mother.”

I’m not crying. YOU’RE CRYING!

You guys. This progress - this spiritual surrounding of new and healing and resetting and relearning in my life and those around me- I can’t make this up. I am so in awe of my Maker.

Ha! How’s THAT for skipping half of church each month to hang on to some sanity? Ain’t no church like the church of LIFE that I’ve been living lately…

And then you keep going, wrapped safely in that grace.

**Please know that I write to share my point of view, my truth, my reality and in NO WAY mean to suggest that others should feel the same exact way or that there is something wrong with going to a church building regularly or that my current & previous pastors and other “really good Christians” are ALL wrong or even “bad people”. Not at all. I question and disagree and push beyond what I know is safe territory because I KNOW that there is more to the story that God wants us to live in, but I also LOVE and am grateful for each person’s role in my life. Every single one of them. No disrespect meant to anyone. Just questioning, grace, learning, understanding and LOVE wanted from and for all. <3

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ruffprincess · 7 years

Text

Church Break, Mama Breakthrough.

Like I've shared before, I have made a decision to stay back from church (the building) every 2nd & 4th Sunday while my husband and kids volunteer in the kids building for all 3 services. They were MADE for crowds and full of energy. It's right up their alley. God is using them there in great ways AND using those experiences in BIG WAYS to shape them. I'm proud of them, I support them and I am grateful for their willingness to serve people in this way.

I am different from them. I have finally overcome the guilt and the shame preached on me by pastors and fellow Christians that I. SHOULD. SERVE. IN. MY. CHURCH. (the building) - pass offering plates, pour coffee, set up chairs, teach classes...(all necessary tasks to keep a church organization running, thank you to those who do this work!) That my inability to muster up enough spoons to be among the noise and chaos of bulk human interaction was somehow a sin, a disobedience to my calling.

My service comes in different forms. In self care - in quiet recharging and filling of my patience and love tanks before the craziness that is children and a um... "youthful" husband come roaring back in. In gentle talks with my mother over coffee. In updating her ideas of what a woman can and cannot do with their life. In reteaching her God's love. In sitting alone on the porch in gratefulness, soaking in nature, the breeze, watching the ants carry food back to their families. In thinking. In planning. In processing the events of the week, the month, life...pondering what each of my family members need from me, need prayer for, might benefit by, if I could change my reactions or take a different angle of approach to next time. In small acts of service around the house - rescuing a toy or device that almost was a goner, picking up and organizing an area in a way that will make it ready and easier to be used as soon as it is needed. Visually surveying their living spaces and gaining insight about how they function daily, what they need to succeed. What will make life simpler so there is more time for the important stuff - calm, loving togetherness. Preparing myself spiritually for the human interactions I will have throughout the week. Taking in what I need for me in order to have what I'll need and want to give to them.

My service looks more like checking in on or simply sending a note of love to the kindred spirits I've been gifted in my tribe - my church (the people) - along the way - the ones who are mentally in pieces, unsure they want to continue, those who are chronically or terminally ill, energy given to them in waves, never knowing when they'll be able to leave the house again, some who never will. Those who are overwhelmed, overworked, underthanked, some who have been dealt a plain old shitty hand in life, are tired of waiting for God to heal, who are angered by being preached to and prayed for, who are just DONE with religion because THEIR SOULS HAVEN'T BEEN AWAKENED by the influence of traditional church. Those who have straight up been damaged by the church-hurt and had it justified under the guise of "God's will". Friends who circle the drain but yet always find the strength to dig out, or at least reach out for someone to grab their hand. I'm one of those hands. That's my service. And that's been their service to me, as well.

Many times, church in a building robs me of that. It rapes my peace. I have no clearer way to describe it. Churches have crushed my spirit and crushed me again when I look to the faces of the far-from-God guests that I've brought with me. When I can do church hand-in-hand with my husband, when I can belt my heart out to age-old hymns and when I can listen to new stories that captivate every ounce of my attention, stealing it into another dimension of wonder for 45 minutes, messages that encourage me to turn from shame and embrace grace, that stretch and challenge me to love- actively, practically LOVE more authentically, to TRUST THE HEART, MIND & BODY that God has made exactly for me and left me with a Spirit guide to show me how to use my gifts (that I FAR TOO OFTEN shrug off because humans have directed me differently - either harshly via words or implied through actions or inaction. My believing them, my allowing them to break my spirit, was truly a disobedience to my calling)... Sermons that leave me feeling more connected to God and the people in the seats around me...that is the church I am truly grateful for. Paula Stone Williams, Bob Goff <3

Mama and I were just chatting about what we want to be when we grow up. She's tired of the crutches and ready to just get out and around. I said I think I'm going to try to get Zane in preschool full day this year because he NEEEEDS so much more interaction than I am mentally able to provide him with and he thrives on socialization. The time away from each other will only make our together times more meaningful and we'll be better able to love each other. Then I told her how, when I was in 5th grade, I was going to be an elementary school English teacher. When I graduated high school, I was going to be a child psychologist...

We all know how that turned out. If you don't have a solid plan at graduation of at least what you will and won't accept for your life and you have a fragile sense of self worth and a big ol' empty attention hole in your soul and waaaay too much love to give out that no one was previously around to recognize, receive or return...well, you might come out of your 20's gushing with pathetic brokenness. BUT you might also find yourself lucky enough to look down as you take your last running step out of the city behind you, which is crumbling to the ground, and realize that you've escaped that battleground grasping a tiny human prize in your beaten up arms who needs you and wants you (for the first 10 years, at least) which makes the whole struggle worth it.

And then single mom-dom. When that chip on your shoulder - the I CAN DO IT ALL ALONE (because I always have and just have to) starts to dissolve, when it begins to get in the way of relationship and you realize an inability to be vulnerable because you know better... Oh, how it breaks you down on your knees BEGGING for something...more. More chances for his future, more rapid maturing, confidence, patience and knowledge for you. Tougher skin. MERCY. FORGIVENESS. Which brings you back to God.

And finding your way back to God? Your OWN God, not your parental figure's God used to scare you into submission to their need for control or to the evils of societal norms, but The REAL version of God? The one who wants to prosper you and not hurt you? The one who adored you all along, unconditionally, and had arms WIDE open, patiently waiting for you to just WANT to crawl up into them and deeply exhale everything you've been carrying on your own, impossibly... The God who was modeled by my Jesus who walked among us LOVING, DE-SHAMING, standing up for the weak, the lesser, the bullied, the hurting. The one who recognized his own human need for quiet, alone, recharging before draining himself of his purpose, pouring out into those around him.

And then you may spend the next 20 years thinking you're doing it all wrong - religioning, churching (or not churching), publicly sharing, publicly questioning and challenging, parenting while under the influence of overwhelm, totally hating the idea of textbook wife-dom, being sane, in general? - all wrong. Screwing it all up, but every now and then, a glimmer of hope that you did a few things kinda OK. And then you remember and are warmed and reassured by a thing called "grace". And then you keep going, wrapped safely in that grace.

"Well, you are very good with children. You have a special way of explaining things to them. You're a very good mother."

I'm not crying. YOU'RE CRYING!

You guys. This progress - this spiritual surrounding of new and healing and resetting and relearning in my life and those around me- I can't make this up. I am so in awe of my Maker.

Ha! How's THAT for skipping half of church each month to hang on to some sanity? Ain't no church like the church of LIFE that I've been living lately...

**Please know that I write to share my point of view, my truth, my reality and in NO WAY mean to suggest that others should feel the same exact way or that there is something wrong with going to a church building regularly or that my current & previous pastors and other "really good Christians" are ALL wrong or even "bad people". Not at all. I question and disagree and push beyond what I know is safe territory because I KNOW that there is more to the story that God wants us to live in, but I also LOVE and am grateful for each person's role in my life. Every single one of them. No disrespect meant to anyone. Just questioning, grace, learning, understanding and LOVE wanted from and for all. <3

0 notes

survivorindia · 7 years

Text

Whatever Forever- jaiden (Episode 3)

Anyway!!!!!!!! I just got elimed and whew I'm just feeling so many emotions. Maybe I shouldn't have thrown the immunity to save lexi, maybe I should've kept ace over Ashley,maybe I never really had a chance in this game in the first place. Overall? I just feel bad for promising lexi that I'd help keep her in the game and then immediately flopping, and for Kendall, leaving my one tru ally by herself, I hope the swap goes in her favour and that both of them can vote out the rest of the returnee heroes, some revenge is always nice TBH. Ashley, gav and Alex, I really did trust two of you and I was gonna stay loyal so it sucks that y'all flipped so easily, of course the fact that Ashley had an idol probably wasn't the best thing, but we could've figured something out. I hope the three of you get elimed soon or at least prejury bc you know the great dan whatever his last name is said flippers never win and well it's no fun seeing snakes get far either TBH ! And I know y'all won't be reading this til later but good luck newbies I hope y'all truly slay this game bc really some of these returnees I would really rather see get elimed except maybe Kendall and Jordan pines. This has been a fun game for the most part, the challenges were great, the hosts were greater (even David Robb) and I met some good people in my short stay here! Do I have some regrets? Yeah but I wouldn't have wanted to play this game any other way. Keep an eye out for me in the returnee season :~) single digits I'm still coming for ya!

So not much has happened this round. We won, yet again. And my #1 ally out of everyone in this game, my good friend Monte, was sadly voted out. But best believe I'm gonna win this game for him!

What in the heckie is Nicole doing?

What the FUCK? These people need to CHILL out. It's our fault - we made the mistake, the hosts don't have to babysit us every step of the way. Now we gotta own it and win this tiebreaker - honestly, Danny g'luck (I WAS FORCED TO MAKE THIS S/O) to these people, because they are getting on my nerves with their complaining rn.

We keep winning. I love that. But Jordan Pines might wanna blindside me... so to that I say:

Am I exaggerating? A little bit. I think. I don't know. I'm being weird and emotional so idk what the fuck I'm actually thinking... I hope I get voted out next at this point yay

Okay, everyone listening? Two common misconceptions about pegging: If a man likes pegging, he must be gay. If you peg a straight man, he will become gay. Cue Laughter and Eye Roll - Both of these are so ridiculous as to be laughable on so many levels. Gender preference has nothing to do with the sex toys you like to play with...or the area of your body you like your partner to play with. For those of you who have fears around this - please excuse the laughter...though I do find the concept quite humorous. Think of it this way...If a straight man enjoys getting pegged by a woman there is no reason whatsoever to think that all of a sudden he will crave sex with men. Just like if a straight woman enjoys receiving oral sex from a man there is no reason whatsoever to think that she will suddenly want to be a lesbian. See how silly that sounds? (Now if the man is bisexual, just ignore all this and go to the next blog post because he prefers both genders so these points are moot.) A man who wants his ass fucked is gay, you say? Bullshit. (I seem to be in a sassy mood tonight.) Remember, the male ass is the source of an amazing amount of pleasure via the prostate gland. Whether a man experiences that pleasure from his lady's finger(s), his own finger(s), a toy (there are so many), his lady’s strap-on, a butt plug, his partner's finger(s) or his partner's cock makes no difference. All of the above are simply various examples of the pursuit of pleasurable sensations from an ass. Many really nice toys are specifically made for anal pleasure! That should give you a bit of pause. Maybe the people buying these items know something....just like the 150 - 200 million gay men in the world. But wait - I'm probably confusing you... Unexplored Ecstasy - The point here is that anal exploration is about pleasure, not an indicator of gender preference. What I find a shame is that so many straight men will not indulge in that pleasure because of these misconceptions along with the bullshit social stigma attached to it. Maybe it's just me (standing here ready with my strap-on), but that sounds like a lot of pleasure being abstained from...and oh my the word abstinence in any form is not a popular one amongst the pleasure seekers that have found their way to Pegging Paradise! I am certain there are men out there who secretly would love to have their ass teased with...well, a variety of things. These men hesitate to ask for it because they fear their partner's reaction to their request or the reaction of others if they found out. All of this is fed by the original misconceptions as well as a puerile dose of idiotic homophobia. Get over it, people! I know...easier for me to say here in Southern California when some of you might be in conservative strait-laced sex-negative hell somewhere. But hey - we need to start somewhere, right? Are you going to let other people's narrow-minded attitudes affect your pursuit of pleasure in the privacy of your own bedroom (hotel room, board room, etc)? I think not. No Fear - So Ladies, I urge you to get over your own fears that if you fuck your man in the ass with a strap-on dildo the gay fairy will instantly appear and sprinkle him with magic gay dust and you will lose him forever to his own gender. Okay? If you can't let go of that fear, you have no business strapping on a dildo. I mean really...are you going to follow him around after you fuck him and be suspicious of all of his encounters with males? Let it go, ladies. And when you get your man where you want him and you have your way with him...don't kiss and tell. Especially if you live in one of those strait-laced sex-negative hell places I spoke of previously. Instead, treasure the vulnerability your man has shared with you and let him know that come hell or high water or nosy girlfriends, he can trust you to keep that part of your sex life confidential. Pleasure Seeking - Gentlemen, the other part of the formula here is you. If you are clear about which gender you prefer, that's your stable base. Do your best to let go of any homophobic comments you have heard, read or even, heaven forbid, said. Your anus is a part of your body that, when properly stimulated, offers a whole new world of pleasure. Orgasms with anal stimulation are most times much more intense and produce much more cum (that's always fun). Given just that, why wouldn't you want to at least check it out? If you love it, all that means is that you love getting fucked with a strap-on by the woman who makes you hot. There is no "Insta-gay" phenomenon that happens if your lady pegs you. As one man put it: I like breasts with my strap-on, thank you! Pegger/Peggee - Wouldn't it be awesome if people who were into pegging walked around in T-Shirts that said, simply, "Pegger" or "Peggee"? I mean - relatively few people who are not kink-oriented know the sexual meaning of the word so lovingly created by Dan Savage. So the masses of people leading lives of quiet desperation (read: sex-negative) wouldn't have a clue what it meant. And if asked, one could always say with a smile, "Look it up on Wikipedia". Just make sure it's a cat-that-ate-the-canary smile as you say the words and they just might look it up. Presto, you have just spread the word about a luscious, sexy, pleasure-filled act that couples can add to their carnal repertoire. You may have changed their lives forever...in a rather explosive way.

AHAHAHAHAHA @GAVIN

THOSE BOYS WANT TRIBAL TN BECAUSE WE LOST IMMUNITY AND IM SO FUCKING NERVOUS I DONT WANT TO DIE I HAVE SO MANY PLANS IF JORDAN SACRIFICE ME FOR NICOLE OKOKOKOK

So... mission successful. Let's quickly debrief: 1. Ashley trusts me a lot more after I told her details that Alex told me in private. Making Ashley feel like she was on shaky ground further resulted in her letting me know that she has an idol. Whether or not it is true is besides the point... the true crux of the matter is that I have Ashley left in the game with three people she can't trust and me... so that means I ought to be her #1. 2. Alex and I are as tight as ever. Even despite giving Ashley information, I was able to quickly fix that bond. I genuinely like and trust Alex, but I can't let the cloud my judgement. He's very close to Kendall, which scares me, but I have looked to leverage that in our post-tribal call. In my conversations with Alex, I want to make him feel like he is calling the shots while still looking to provide input. Thus far, I think I have done that. With Ashley allegedly having the idol (information that was supposed to be "kept secret" but was totally not "kept secret" xD), I have talked to Alex extensively about the next vote and I've made a deal with him to take out Karen rather than Kendall... while also *hopefully* keeping Ashley's idol in play. My goal here is to come out of this with both Ashley and Alex working independently, but all in all, nonetheless in my best interests. In short, the way this tribe seems to be shaking out is that there is this façade of autonomy and power that Karen and Kendall have. They have this illusion that they call the shots, while it really is Alex and I that hold the cards in this dynamic. Kendall, to get Alex completely on my side... I need to spare you to gain his trust, BUT MARK MY WORDS I'M GOING FOR YOU! *Nothing against you, just your social game is very very strong but annoyingly obvious too ;3* Oh. And Ace got voted out too... I guess.

I never really made an opening confessional, so here I go I guess? I am really... really excited to be back. It's so easy for so many people to say "Oh yeah I've played a ton, people want me back." We see it with a ton of people, and that's not a bad thing. People want to see them back for a big reason. But I never had that. Coming off of Malaysia I was hated and people did not really respect me for who I was and thought that I was some awful person and player. It definitely hit me hard a bit, but at the time I was like, okay that's fine, there's other seasons. Tumblr does a lot. And so I applied. I applied for Sri Lanka with Marie and didn't make it. I applied for Rebels vs Rogues and didn't make it. I applied for Bora Bora and didn't make it. I believe I applied for Generations and wasn't casted, or I didn't believe I was going to have time due to time conflicts. I wasn't contacted for Maldives. I missed the application for Tenochtitlan. I applied for Sicily and didn't make it. I believe I applied for Bangladesh and didn't make it. I wasn't contacted for Arabia (though there may have been apps and I missed it). I wasn't contacted for Myanmar. And I was super excited to finally get this chance to play in Lazio but I missed the acceptance of my application. And going back to all the times I had tried to play or just was kind of ignored it was rough. I kind of thought I was done. And now I'm here playing in India. After over a year on and off of trying to play this game again. And to be honest, I'm hella pumped. Because I've missed out on so many chances to play. I think it says something when even parts of my Malaysia cast aren't even excited to see me on the season. This is kind of my opportunity to prove people wrong. My personality showed even at this Tribal where I literally told Gavin his answer to the Tribal Question was awful and completely wrecked Ace after he wished us a heartfelt goodbye. I want people to know that I am playing as hard as I can. I'm not here to change who I am to impress people. I'm here to show who I am so that I can prove to people that I'm not some worthless player who doesn't deserve to be back; I definitely feel like some people think that is the truth. I'm going to prove people wrong. Count on it.

I know I said I wanted to be a villain but goddamn, this is pretty fucked up. Oh right context because mind reading technology hasn't been invented quite yet. To make a long story short, Karen made an alliance chat with our victim (Ashley) and now it has a name and now it is terrible. Alex brings up voting Karen and that raisin I call a heart was all like "YAAASS QUEEN!" And my brain was tempted by the #bigmove but getting rid of Karen... is truthfully not to my benefit. Sure Karen is manipulative but she seems to trust me. She confides in me with information and she includes me in all her fucked up little schemes. In a sense, I'm the Trish to her Tony. If Trish and Tony were two gay and emotionally stunted children of course. Plus she has the connections to the other side that could get us far into the game and I am confident enough in our friendship that she will stay by my side. Of course, I will remain wary of her but for now I think our relationship is mutually beneficial. Karen needs me for back up in her schemes. I need Karen to get where I want to get. She gives me information. Information I can collect in to a giant web of evidence, so when the day comes when I turn on her, I'll have the evidence via receipts to back me up. Karen never deletes anything, I am planning on using that to my advantage.

So I was reallllyyyyyy close to using my idol tonight, and I totally would have wasted it if I had. Gavin advised me that I would be okay, and so did Alex and Kendall but like something didn't feel right. I had heard that Ace heard my name from Karen and I was like well shit. She had literally just today come to me and told me that we were all good and that she didn't hold the last game we played together against me. Like there are no hard feelings. but due to everything that was happening I kind of doubted that. But tbh I love Gavin and Alex and really hope we can work together for the next few rounds. Or even longer, who knows. I still am unsure about Karen and Kendall, as I don't really know them that well. But hopefully everything works out.

Oh I also definitely told Gavin I have an idol.... idiot move? We shall see.

I am so glad we won immunity. It for sure would have been me or Lexi next if we had gone to tribal. It looks like Johnny and Whitney aren't too upset that I didn't vote with them but I can't take my chances. I had been searching for the idol for a while with no luck so I asked Lexi to help me find it. She found it within a few hours lol. We didn't find the idol but we found the idol grid. It's relieving to know it couldn't have been found right away. This gives me and her time to find it. Hopefully we'll get it before anyone else and we'll be set for the rest of the time on this tribe. I doubt anyone else on our tribe has found the idol page or would suspect that we found it. I'm thinking long term so the game plan would be using the idol on lexi and getting rid of Liam. If we happen to go to a tribal council after that we could try to get Whitney or Johnny to flip to our side. Even if they don't want to we can always force a tie so Lexi and I still have a strong chance of succeeding. We just have to find that idol!

This has been a crazy round. I'm glad the immunity challenge was changed to something that required more skill. The tribe worked very well as a team. There's an obvious divide between us so I'm glad we were able to get some time to bond and unite. As for the results, it was upsetting that the returnee heroes made such a big deal out of not getting theirs in on time. The rules clearly stated it was first to 10 pm. I'm sure we would've accepted defeat if we didn't send it faster than them. It was bad sportsmanship on their part. The tiebreaker was so stressful. I stepped up and I was so afraid of letting the team down. I knew if we went to tribal my only ally left, Lexi, would be voted off. There was a lot of pressure on me and I was honestly so anxious. I felt so victorious beating Kendall by 7 minutes. I hope my tribemates remember this next time we go to tribal and don't vote me out. I feel like I've done a lot for our tribe so I think I'm safe for now. I'm really hoping the tribe swap comes within the next two rounds. We can only win so many immunities and Lexi and I are on the bottom so we really need it asap.

#youdontgetmycrownjustcause

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