#when im hurt like this theres still a part of me that wants my mom so fucking bad
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#i had a dream a couple days ago that my mom was in my apartment. it wasnt even like a bad dream#she just came into my room and sat on my bed and asked me if i was okay#and then layed down next to me to hug me and comfort me like i was a little kid again#except#my mom has literally never done that for me in my life. and any time she offered comfort my vulnerabilities were immediately exploited#to hurt me#im going through alot of shit right now. and even though ive never had that kindness from my mom#when im hurt like this theres still a part of me that wants my mom so fucking bad#and the fact that i have never and will never get that from her makes everything worse#and i fucking wish that it didnt#i hope i never have to see her again in my whole life#i wish she was here and i hate that im 27 years old but im also still 5 and 7 and 13.#anyways after that dream i went to therapy and then after therapy i disassociated for 2 days and im just barely kinda coming out of it#lmaooooooooo#<- i had to put this bc you know how it is#anyways if you actually read these tags uhh thanks for bearing witness i guess#xr complains in the tags
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Just Some Guy OC Tourney - Side B: Round 1
Rules:
do NOT be mean to anyone or any characters in these polls. you MUST clarify if you are joking/teasing or you will be blocked. if you are someone who entered an oc into this and you are mean to other contestants you will be disqualified
do NOT claim a character doesn't deserve to be here. yes including your own. be nice
if you are posting propaganda you have to tag us, including if your propaganda is in the reblogs. it is difficult to tell when something is or isn't propaganda. anything not tagging us will likely be missed
please don't hesitate to let me know if i messed something up!
have fun, hype each other up <3 thank you
Lilly | She/her | @pocket-ghostie
CW: Child death
Lilly is a ghost who has found other ghosts and is hanging out <3 Almost all of the plot is happening around her. Thats actually a major plot point in the story, things are happening to the people she cares about... but nothing is really happening to her. She is simply hanging out and doesn't know what to do about the plot, but it keeps going without her doing anything. I don't have much to say about her, I only have things to say about the people around her.
Promos: Toyhouse link: https://toyhou.se/21226516.lilly
~
Cobblestone Mason | He/him | @splatoonmaster69
CW: Unreality
A regular human fighter youve seen a thousand times. I promise. NEURODIVERGENCY JUMPSCARE.
~
Full images and descriptions under the cut!
Minor spoilers for the story <3
Lilly finds out that her brother accidentally murdered her and she freaks out bc that's wild. But then she forgives him and everything is fine. She finds out that her dad has turned into a monster and she does nothing about it but avoids him. Her mom starts trying to control her, and she just waits for her friends to help her because she knows they will. She is so so tired of The Plot and doesn't know what to do about it. So she just... doesn't deal with it. She is hanging out, she is simply a lovely litty girl who is going through the horrors <3
Her friends don't even know that much about her, except for her family. She doesn't even know that much about herself. She knows she likes flowers, and having fun... but she doesn't quite know what fun is to her. She kinda gets left behind by the plot in a sense, even though shes the main character.
(But I still love her very very much, she is my baby and no one can hurt her <3)
[no image provided]
A "regular" "human" "fighter" NEURODIVERGENCY + "NEURODIVERGENCY" JUMPSCARE.
So. By all accounts he really is just some guy i promise. In his head he is just a human fighter, boring as possible, average guy. Sure he has schizophrenia but hes not gonna let that stop him!
The only issue is that he lives in a fantasy world, so his doctor really shouldve checked whether it was schizophrenia or mind reading. Yeah most of the time its the formor but if it isnt your kindof fucked
And since he already hears voices, theres no way he'd understand that the new threatening voice in his head was his cool new sword that he found at a digsite. and that the little dragon following him around is his familar, not the dragonborn party members son.
As for the human part. he very well could be but im not gonna think about it too hard
anyways if you ignore all that other stuff hes basically just a regular guy for real. he has a passion for archeology and studying long dead civilizations, he likes animals, especially dragons. he collects trinkets that remind him of people he loves and wishes the voices in his head werent so mean because he knows his friends care about him and doesnt want to doubt that. Hes a regular ass guy!
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Dear friend,
if anyone is out there and reading this then hi! this is my little part of the world where i can talk about the stuff that i cant tell anyone about irl.
My name is Rob and im 15 years old. Im anorexic, i also have depression, anxiety and adhd :D Fun ikr?/j. But yeah its a lot to deal w and i just needed somewhere to talk about it all and here we are.
Ive had ana for about 2 years now but ever since i moved to my mom its been good and bad periods. Right now you could say im in a "bad period", just meaning that i dont want to get better. Honestly I wish that i could be normal but i just got a scale and i cant imagine gaining weight and being able to see each kg i gain.. I also just get nauseous when i eat literally anything so i would rather not.
My depression also has good and bad periods and sometimes i just want to give up but i cant bc then i get behind on school work. Ive been feeling like im holding my head just above the water, waiting for someone to help me but no one ever does. That was awfully depressing but it really is true! Ive been getting worse and i even started hurting myself again.
some days i get this overwhelming sad feeling and it consumes me until theres nothing i can do but cry, dissociate or hurt myself. The worst part is that this happens in school quite a lot and most times i go non-verbal too. I am just very exhausted and i want this all to be over soon. I wish that life was like a movie so that you could stop it and watch something else once in a while.
There is a lot of bad things to talk about but there is some good too! I have recently gotten into DnD for example. Its very fun but a lot to learn. I am going to be DM for a group of new players while i am as well a new player so its a bit scary. I am very excited about it still!
Some of my other interests are reading, writing, listening to music, sleeping, observing, and musical theater/theater.
I like mitski, rain, big theif, the cranberries, The perks of being a wallflower, Aristotle and dante discover the secrets of the universe, Dead poet society, smoking, and going on walks.
some things about me are that i go to a waldorf school, i live in sweden, i have a gf (<33), im greyace, i acually have good grades (whatt:0), and basically my whole wardrobe is thrifted!
Anyways, back to the bad-ish stuff! Okay well this isnt all "bad" but i am going to be posting pro-for-me ana stuff cuz i need somewhere to share it all so here is some of that.
cgw - 37kg (updated in bio)
ugw - 35kg (or just basically as low as possible)
lw - 37
cw - 38.3 (updated in bio)
cbmi - 15.7 (updated in bio)
So rn im not acually counting my cals bc i feel that its easier to just not eat during the day and then if i really have to ill eat dinner (cuz of my mom). So far its working, i just wish i lived by myself. Everything would be so much easier.
Sorry this was a lot longer than i thought it would be:o Hope you enjoyed hearing a bit about mee and i hope ur having a good day/night<3
//Love always,
Rob
#@na#th1n#boy ana#ed behaviour tw#ed meals#ed not ed sheeran#th1n$pø#ed vent#ed relapse#ed not sheeren#actually mentally ill#mental illness#tw depressing thoughts#tw depressing stuff#sorry for being depressing
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theres much to be said about the woobification of tim drake as a character entirely in fanon, but one thing in particular that tends to irk me is the misinterpretation of this scene.
now, i generally dont have a problem with fanon interprets of events like this!!! in fact, im an avid fanfic reader and i can honestly say i dont mind when comic events get squashed or stretched out of proportion. people want angst and fluff, and hurt and comfort, and i can respect that a lot of dc fans get their info from fanon and dont bother/simply dont want to read comics because they lack those feel-good moments/that emotional depth that fanfics have. thats fine, thats none of my business, and thats perfectly valid!
...but i think it does get to a point where a comic is SO misinterpreted, like this one (or just this series in general, really), that it loses all that makes it good and interesting in the first place.
dick isn't a bad guy here. whether you think what he said was warranted or not, or if you think him saying that he thinks tim should seek help is insensitive or wrong, he's not some evil abusive guy who hates tim (tim literally calls him his brother in the scene???? in a positive context??)
i just see a lot of people think dick is some terrible villain for this event (and for the "firing and replacing tim just so damian can be robin for no reason" thing which is also a misinterpretation of what happened, but thats something else). when in reality dick himself is already struggling to keep his family from falling apart even more than it already has, has been forced to become batman, and has to raise this random, murderous kid that just popped into his life (i love damian but bro was giving dick gray hairs in his twenties in the beginning lol), all while dealing with the loss of his father for the second time in his life. on top of this, to him, his 16 year old brother is off doing god knows what across europe going on a wild goose chase looking for their (presumably) dead father and doesnt know what to do about it.
but despite all that, in tims eyes, dick massively messed up. we know he thinks this by what he says in the comic.
which leads me to my last point; tims own thoughts. this is a bit more of my opinion on tims character rather than objective fact so bear with me. tims internal monologue and emotional journey across red robin are why i think this series is so heavily (sorry to keep using this word) misinterpreted by fanon.
throughout the course of the story, tim is being forced to suffer with a grief that that he doesnt know how to deal with. like dick, this is the second father tim has lost. but the difference between them is that when tim experiences loss he... doesnt really know how to deal with it, like at all. he goes crazy when he loses someone close to him. at least dick can kinda sorta keep it together. after jack died and bruce tried to adopt him, tim literally hired a man to pretend to be his uncle to avoid it. when kon died, he tried to clone him 99 whole times with old luthor tech, (and later when damian died, tim hallucinated hugging him, or at the very least pretended to, which while a lot tamer than these other instances i still think it speaks to how deeply he feels these losses and how badly he handles it). i dont know the specifics of how he acted about other people hes lost like bart, stephanie, and his mom, but tim even says himself that part of the reason why he's doing all this is because of how many people he's lost, so it can be assumed he reacted harshly to their passing, too.
tim also admits, multiple times throughout red robin, that he knows he sounds/acts crazy, he admits that he goes farther than he ever went as robin when dealing with criminals and cases because as red robin he's now "tainted" and agrees with connor in a later issue that "red robin" is his punishment for himself.
so what i mean by all this is that, simply put, tim is an unreliable narrator. of course we as the readers feel angry at dick and cassie, tim himself is angry at them. he feels hurt and betrayed, and it could even be assumed at that point that he feels they abandoned him, and he thinks that they think hes crazy. he isolates himself from everyone, he feels unworthy of everything, and he "knows" hes lost it. "except for everything, im perfectly fine." is a quote he says, and there are plenty more like it in the series.
my point is that in tims eyes for the majority of his character arc as red robin, nearly everyone hes ever loved has either died or abandoned him, but as the audience we know thats not the case. cassie loves him, dick of course loves him, they just both made mistakes and hurt him, but that doesnt make either of them irredeemable or mean that they dont care about tim. tim himself, in that moment, just doesnt believe that, or doesnt even seem to consider that. he sees the bad, and blinded by his own grief and anger, doesnt see the good.
i just think a lot of people miss that, and just write dick off as borderline abusive or purposefully hurtful in red robin fanfics, because comics tend to get telephoned so much in the fandom that thats what people see him as, when it's not the case, which is how we got the "dick threatens to send tim to arkham" thing. (but thats just gonna happen i guess. did you know that in the actual jasons attack on titans tower comic jason wears his robin costume?? yeesh i'll have to stick with fanon on their interpretation of that whole thing. see its not bad all the time)
besides the idea of the whole arkham trope thing, theres still plenty of canon angst to pull from in red robin! you can write about how tim thinks hes losing it, ra's weird infatuation with tim and everything that comes with that, tim being forced to deal with losing robin, tims rocky relationship with tam fox, tims super rocky relationship with damian, any interaction between kon and tim, OH. the fact that at one point tim got kicked out of a tall building and accepted his death (only thinking about how bruce would be proud), only to be saved by dick last minute and then lying about knowing dick would save him (yeah right buddy) ((its issue #12)). theres also the idea of bruce and tim talking after tim finds him (canon bruce hug!!!). and theres more im forgetting for sure. all that to say theres plenty of ideas already there for the taking!!!!! red robin is a great comic filled with plenty of emotional moments.
moral of the story, dick isn't a terrible person, tim needs help but he isn't a little baby incapable of doing anything, and i believe writing them differently in the context of red robin (2009) is a disservice to their characters and their relationships with each other in the actual comic.
...but i mean, im not your dad. write what you want
#dc comics#tim drake#dick grayson#red robin#batman#nightwing#bruce wayne#rant#omg please dont kill me for this#also i did not mean to practically write an essay oops#this isnt directed at any fan work in particular btw#its just something ive noticed
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OK I've been wanting to ask this for a little bit, but is Shou still in contact with his mom at the point that the story is at rn? Is she up to date with what's going on with Toichiro, Shou, and maybe Teru, or is Shou not really talking to her very much? And if he IS talking to her is he telling her everything that's happening or is he like purposely omitting some things?
Also hi hi hi I hope you're doing well :3
EXCELLENT QUESTION! i havent rlly brought it up bc like. honestly theres so many moving parts to tfs its hard to keep everything relevant, but in my mind i think he is still in contact w her. its not Often that he calls but when he does i think they mostly engage in like, idle chatter. it’s kind of already established in canon that shou’s mom is frightened by her sons power (im looking at you dream omake), but i think other than that she is just generally Uncomfortable with hearing about what shou is doing and shou can kind of pick up on that. so i dont think he calls her often because of that and because hes just so darn busy with stopping world domination
i think shou’s mom feels a lot of guilt over how she handled leaving toichiro and the way their child got caught in the mix, so she’s not really the one initiating conversation. even tho she loves her son and would do anything for him, she’s afraid of stepping up as a mother and putting her foot down against her tyrannical ex husband. because what can she really do against him? and because of all this fear and guilt she’s driven a wedge between herself and shou just so she can survive without suffocating on those emotions.
what really fascinates me about the suzukis is how real they feel, despite their circumstances. and i hope it comes across in how i write them. i think it might be bc im a child of a very messy divorce but they just feel so raw to me in how both parents make vital mistakes that affect their kid. shou is neglected by his father but he also doesn’t really have his mother to fall back on bc she simply isn’t around. not for lack of trying, i assume, but i do think fear is primarily keeping her away and as much as that is understandable it is also something that hurts shou! and the beautiful thing abt the suzukis is its Shou thats the one trying to keep them together. instead of discarding his parents bc of their behavior, he embraces them and gives them another chance (at least in my interpretation). it just rlly goes to show much compassion and empathy shou has and how much he cares about his family
but i think, as of rn, that care is what keeps shou from being constantly in contact w his mom. because he would rather bear the weight of the world on his shoulders than let someone he loves be hurt.
#ignorance cloud on#tfs#hi this was a very long response to a simple question but im insane abt the suzukis. so#also this gave me an EXCELLENT idea for a future chapter so thank u joel#also hiiiiii hope ur doing well! :-)
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Step, Drag
A Doll finds something unusual, voting ensues! (tw for mild slur use, about 1300 words long)
Step. Draaaaag. Step. Draaaaag. Step. Draaaaaaaag.
<Z-Cptn> You know, this is just like that one campfire story. With the escaped inmate?
<DosEquis> not helping
<Hi5> Campfire story? Do tell, you’ve piqued my interest!
<DosEquis> guys can this wait
<Z-Cptn> Oh i can’t remember all the details, but it was something about an escaped serial killer on the loose in a summer camp, but he was still handcuffed to a cop, so he had to drag the body, and it was all like. Step. Draaaaag. Step, Draaaaag.
<Hi5> Fascinating!
<DosEquis> guys i think hes really hurt
<777> Zee you dumbass thats not how it goes!
<777> Its supposed to be a prisoner with one of those old-timey ball and chains on his leg
<Z-Cptn> What? Since when?
<777> Since fuckin always, who drags around a dead cop? You can break handcuffs like, so fuckin easily.
<Sixaphone> you can?
<Hi5> I don’t believe that’s correct, dear Sev. Handcuffs are made of quality materials, or else suspects would always be getting out of them, don’t you think?
<777> BULLSHIT
<777> Cuffs are fuckin weaksauce its just a chain link, plus you see people break them in movies all the time
<Z-Cptn> Movies are different from real life.
<777> Movies are basically real life!!! Movies are more real than real life, fuckin fight me
<Z-Cptn> [Called a vote: “Are movies the same as real life?”]
<Z-Cptn> [voted]
<777> [voted]
<Sixaphone> [voted]
<Hi5> [voted]
<777> …
<777> well?!?
<Z-Cptn> Hang on, it's tied.
<Z-Cptn> @<DosEquis> We need you to vote.
<DosEquis> are you fucking kidding me
<777> Dont be such a fuckin killjoy babe! It takes like, two seconds
<DosEquis> hes hurt bad i dont have time for this
<777> Dude hes like. Wayyyyyyy dead. Just leave him there and vote so i can show everyone what a fuckin idiot Zee is
<DosEquis> hes not dead
<DosEquis> i saw him move
<DosEquis> [voted]
[Vote concluded. Vote results: 40% “Obviously Not”, 60% “Yes(???)”. “Yes(???)” is the victor with five votes counted.]
<777> YES
<777> FUCK YES
<Z-Cptn> What???
<Hi5> Who would possibly vote “Yes”?
<777> SMART PEOPLE!!
<777> THATS FUCKIN WHO!!!1!
<DosEquis> i just clicked to get rid of the popup
<777> STILL COUNTS!!!!
<Z-Cptn> Wait, then that means that @<Sixaphone> voted for you too.
<Z-Cptn> @<Sixaphone>, you don’t actually think movies are real life, do you?
<Sixaphone> um
<Sixaphone> no
<Sixaphone> i just
<777> JEEZ Zee lay off her thats like, voter intimidation its hella illegal you could go to jail
<Sixaphone> wait what
<Z-Cptn> Its not “voter intimidation”, i just wanted to make sure she knows the difference between *fiction* and *reality*.
<Sixaphone> please dont send Miss Zero to jail
<Sixaphone> im sorry
<777> Youre fine Six, its an expression
<Z-Cptn> I’m not going to jail, don’t worry. Seven was just attempting to make a crude joke.
<Sixaphone> oh, ok
<Sixaphone> sorry
<TriAsIMight> Good morning everyooone!!!
<TriAsIMight> What’d I miss???
<Hi5> Oh, Salutations! We were having a discussion about movies and campfire stories! Would you like a recap?
<Sixaphone> good morning!
<TriAsIMight> WAIT
<TriAsIMight> IS THAT A DEAD BODY???
<777> yes!
<DosEquis> no.
<Z-Cptn> We’re not quite sure, actually.
<TriAsIMight> WHAT
<TriAsIMight> EXPLAIN?!?
<777> Twos been on a murder spree, its been like fuckin rambo first blood over here
<TriAsIMight> ???
<Z-Cptn> That is blatantly incorrect.
<Hi5> I thought that the entire point of the “Rambo: First Blood” film was that the titular character did *not* go on a murder spree.
<777> Never seen it tbh
<Z-Cptn> There’s not really that much to explain, really. Two was piloting, in salvage mode, digging through some of the old office blocks, when she found this guy collapsed in a pile of blood. Recovery protocol kicked in, and now she’s attempting to drag the guy to safety. Does that seem about right, @<DosEquis>?
<DosEquis> left out the part where hes heavy as fuck
<DosEquis> but yeah
<DosEquis> basically
<TriAsIMight> JEEEZ
<TriAsIMight> That is effed up!!!
<DosEquis> thank you holy shit finally
<TriAsIMight> That sounds so stressful like what the F!!!
<DosEquis> THANK you
<DosEquis> im over here trying to save this guys life while yall are calling votes over dumb shit
<TriAsIMight> I can’t believe you all!!! Discussing movies and even calling a vote while Two is out there risking her life to save a person she doesn’t even know!!! Shame on you all!!!
<777> Ugh, youre not our fuckin mom, fuck OFF with all that shit
<Hi5> I agree with Seven, the lecture is hardly necessary.
<Z-Cptn> Come on now.
<TriAsIMight> We have to do something!!!
<Z-Cptn> Why don’t we ask her if she needs help with anything first. @<DosEquis>?
<DosEquis> i dont know what yall could do right now im
<DosEquis> hang on
<DosEquis> uh oh
<TriAsIMight> uh oh???
<DosEquis> theres a ladder
<Hi5> Ah, so there is. That could prove troublesome with your heavy new friend, I’m afraid.
<DosEquis> yeah i just
<DosEquis> im not sure how to get him down safely
<777> Drop the fucker, i wanna see if he bounces
<DosEquis> what no
<DosEquis> maybe if i just
<DosEquis> no
<Z-Cptn> It doesn’t seem like that far of a drop, you could lower him down feet first and then drop him? You might break his ankles, but that seems like the least of his worries.
<DosEquis> guys
<Z-Cptn> [Called a vote: “Should she drop him?”]
<777> [voted]
<DosEquis> seriously
<Z-Cptn> [voted]
<TriAsIMight> [voted]
<Hi5> [voted]
<Sixaphone> [voted]
<Z-Cptn> @<DosEquis> Are you going to vote?
<DosEquis> yall are assholes
<DosEquis> [voted]
[Vote concluded. Vote results: 50% “Drop him”, 50% “Try another way”. The vote is a tie with six votes counted.]
<777> Well that was fuckin pointless
<DosEquis> can we stop with all the votes this is really annoying when im trying to work
<DosEquis> im gonna tie a rope to his waist i just gotta find a rope
<Z-Cptn> Voting is a useful tool for quick decision making!
<Hi5> Well said, hear hear!
<TriAsIMight> Don’t you all think the voting is distracting for her???
<777> lol yeah
<Z-Cptn> Distracting? It's one button push.
<DosEquis> ok i found some rope and ive got him tied
<DosEquis> gonna lower him down now
<Hi5> Ah, the moment of truth! Drumroll, everyone…
<TriAsIMight> Shut up, let her concentrate!!!
<777> Fuck off youre not the boss of me you dumb bimbo
<TriAsIMight> HEY???
<Z-Cptn> Play nice you two.
<777> Yeah, play nice you fucking piece o
<777> HOLY SHIT
<TriAsIMight> OH MY GOSH NO!!!
<Hi5> Oh dear.
<DosEquis> fuck
<DosEquis> the rope snapped
<Sixaphone> is he okay?
<777> HES TOTALLY FUCKIN DEAD BITCH
<Sixaphone> oh no
<Z-Cptn> We don’t know that, Two can you peek over the edge so we can see how hes doing?
<DosEquis> i dont want to
<777> Congrats on your first successful snuff film babe, this ones going on liveleak!
<Z-Cptn> Seven cut it out. Two, i need you to peek over the edge for me.
<DosEquis> no
<777> DO IT DO IT DO IT
<DosEquis> no i really dont want to
<TriAsIMight> We can’t help him if we can’t see him, you have to be brave!!!
<DosEquis> fucking fine
<777> YES YES YES YES
<Hi5> At least try to hide your murderboner, Seven.
<777> BITE ME
<777> Aw
<TriAsIMight> He looks like he might be okay!!! That bush looks like it cushioned his fall…
<DosEquis> thank fuck
<Sixaphone> he moved
<DosEquis> wait holy shit youre right
<DosEquis> hes moving
<TriAsIMight> Hes alive!!!
<DosEquis> i think he sees me
<Z-Cptn> Is he saying something? He’s moving his mouth.
<DosEquis> yeah hang on let me give yall audio
<DosEquis> [Input audio source “not dead guy”]
[‘not dead guy’] -OU FUCKING RETARDED MACHINE WHAT THE FUCK YOU BROKE MY FUCKING RIBS YOU [Incomprehensible] ILL FUCKING HAVE YOU SCRAPPED WHO THE [Incomprehensible] [Incomprehensible] ILL
<DosEquis> [Removed audio source “not dead guy”]
<DosEquis>...
<DosEquis>...
<DosEquis> [Called a vote: “Hey can i kill him?”]
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hi sorry i gotta ramble incoherently for a second bc im like Moving Out tomorrow and i have. a lot of feelings. so of course i listened to into the woods and i got to stay with me and now i have even more feelings.
i love the idea in into the woods that "children will listen". i love it. the idea that sometimes, adults, and in the shows case, the witch, want kids to listen and think that they dont because they dont reflect the behaviour theyre being told to do. but the thing is they do listen. you just dont always know it. and sondheim says this verbatim in the show "careful the things you say, children will listen". kids hear the shit you say, and they take to heart. you cant control what that is or isnt. its kind of gut wrenching to realize that, and i remember wishing my mom could see that as well. that we are listening, and the shit she says has an impact.
my mom isnt the greatest, and so i remember relating to this song a lot in high school when i was like super into the show, i remember wishing i could show it to her bc it kind of puts into words what i constantly fail to. this idea that you have to let your kids go, that as bittersweet as it is, theyre not your kids. theyre their own entities and souls. it feels like, to this day, ive never been me in my moms eyes, but rather a reflection of different people she knows. it feels like shes never really let me be myself.
whats frustrating is that the witch is kind of in the right for a brief second. it is incredibly valid for not wanting rapunzel to get hurt. the line "princes wait there in the woods it's true/ princes yes but wolves and humans too" hits hard. i get it. but i feel like its human nature to not want your loved ones to get hurt (ignoring the witch's motives for a second) and i get that you'd want them to stay with you. but getting hurt is part of gaining life experience. speaking very broadly in terms of human connection, you learn from others. you learn what kind of people you like and dont like through the experiences you have with them. and thats something you can only really see if you go out into the world and live your life.
hearing the line "stay a child while you can be a child" (again, ignoring the "with me" that follows) is also really difficult to listen to because it's a really bitter pill to swallow. sondheim is so right in this and i agree. please, be a kid while you can still be a kid. being a kid is precious and fleeting and so so so vital and beautiful. but it's also...an unliveable life. you cannot remain a child forever. you must grow up at some point. and i think that's what im like,,,upset abt. ive rlly hit the point of no return. i have to be an adult now.
on a more hopeful note, if you look at this line and also integrate the witches motivations into it, it becomes really interesting. she wants rapunzel to stay a child, but i think you can grow up and still remain childish. and i dont mean childish in an immature sense, i mean it more like "youthful"? like in the little prince, when they say "growing up is not the problem, forgetting is". im criss-crossing themes and messages here but it just feels,,,relevant.
im scared of forgetting, i think? im scared of becoming cold and distant like the adults in the little prince, or mean and possessive like the witch. i dont want to, and i feel like somehow moving out means im inevitably going to wind up like That, even though it know it doesnt.
theres just a lot going on and change is hard and scary.
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somerimes i get so sick of living . who am i to be who i am ? i dont think im real . i think if god is real , im some sort of guinea pig or sick joke that he decided to play on the people around me . i destroy everyone im around . ive done nothing but hurt the people around me . even the good things come with the bad and i hate it . i just want the people i love to feel reassured and not have to read between lines or look deeply within the stuff i say . i dont ever mean any of the mean stuff i say. i feel like theres a bug inside my head that tells me what to do except i listen to everything it says becuaese i dont know how not to. i think in scents and textures and faces and lpoks and colors and shapes and the way things sound or the way they crack when they hit concrete . i dont think befote i speak . im making up this very paragraph as i write it . i want a loving father so bad . i want to be a daddys girl . i want to feel comfort when hr hugs me and i want to feel safe when i hear his voice. i feel a part of me craxk every time i think about him . if i have to feel this way any longer im gonna start cutting myself ahain i finally stopped a motnh ago but my mind is so fuckrd up i camt resist anymore . i never feel satisfied. i never feel complete . i just feel dull . constantly. i want to rip out my ribs and suck the fat from my stomach and shrink my chest and grow my hair and cahnge everything to the point where i am unrecognizable . i hate everytjing so much and i dont rven know why . well not everything . i love laynee . and my grandma . and my mom and my brother and my papa . everyone else can go fuck themselves . i love them all so much . i love grandma and laynee the most . theyre everythung to me . i see laynee as a sortof skeptical person . not in a bad way , however , i think she sees people for what they are , for the most part (... she has this absolutely stupid (now ex) best friend who she still misses alot i think . but she had a sentimental connection to him because theyd been friends for years , so i get it . its hard to let go of people .) i feel like she doesnt 100% fully believe anything , but i hope she fully believes that i love her . i love her with all my heart . id fucking kill for laynee . i want to be with her every day. anwyays sorry i gushed a little bit . i think one day ill actually be happy . years and years from now . i think i do have a chance . but whether i waste that chance or not depends on how i play my cards . i feel as though my life is irrelevant . im a 12 year old , lower middle class , obese , ugly girl in a stupid , forgettable , trumphumping city whos school system has about a quarter of the funding that everett has because taxes go to the fucking churches because a god that we dont know is real or not is more important than people that we know are real's eduacation . i hate thjs city . jesus christ tjis is so many words
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thought a lot about art today as i mentioned earlier.. this will be very jumbled rambling but i shall now expand
after my mom and i got groceries today we stopped at this building that was hosting an art showing of a local art group, my mom wanted to go because she recently sort of reconnected with a lady she went to college with and this womans paintings were in the art showing so she wanted to see. we both ended up not being very impressed with the majority of the work at the showing, the lady who my mom knew probably had the paintings that i liked the most even without knowing beforehand that it was her. i always try to be very fair when it comes to art and im of the mind that even if i dont like a certain style or a certain piece of art that doesnt make it bad or devoid of meaning and doesnt mean its not meaningful and good to someone else, and i think art is something that every person is capable of doing in some fashion no matter your skill levels or capabilities theres so many ways to create art and thats what makes art so beautiful and amazing and deeply human. i really am aware that in the past ive been surrounded by very unhealthy and toxic mindsets when its come to art and its ended up hurting me and my growth as an artist and im still unlearning and working through allowing myself to be messy and make "bad" art.
so with that being said at the same time ive had this weird feeling that im not entirely comfortable with where like.. i looked at a lot of the paintings that were supposed to be realistic landscapes or still life and thought "i could paint this better". and i dont like having that thought. it feels petty and mean spirited. i dont want to be someone who thinks theyre better than others, and honestly my thoughts about myself and my creative work are usually the complete opposite. but for some context all of the women artists in this show were 60-70 years old and almost all of them had some kind of art degree, ranging from bachelors to masters degrees in art and several of them are art professors or teachers. one of them specifically whos paintings did not impress me is a painting teacher at my old college. all of them are clearly coming from wealthier backgrounds than me and my family and i should note that all of them are white, there were no women of color having their work showcased in this.
and it just feels very strange because its like i dont like having the thought "i could do a better painting than this" but at the same time... these ladies all have had so many more opportunities than me and my mom as artists and its like. from looking at the paintings of the one painting professors i felt almost relieved that i didnt take art classes at college when before i had felt kind of sad that i didnt have time in my schedule to take any art classes, because like it was very clear looking at these paintings that this lady doesnt have very basic art theory stuff in mind that i have taught myself with no real art schooling.
but then again i circle back into thinking about how i dont think people should have to have any real technical training in order to do art and people certainly dont have to go to school in art to be an artist yknow as i said before i think every person is capable of creating things and that art is a deeply human thing that is within each of us
i think its just weird because i know how privledged these women are, moreso than my mother and i, and they all are so much older than me and are supposed to be professional artists and yet its like you havent even done really basic stuff where your still life and your landscape look worse than the paintings i was doing in highschool. part of me feels like im just being bitter and maybe i am. i genuinely think my mother is an amazing artist thats not just me being biased because im her child ive talked before about my complex relationship with my mother but she genuinely is skilled and dedicated to her craft she works her ass off to have our family just scrape by and she works on her art whenever she has a little bit of time and the pieces she does are so beautiful and breath taking. but she was talking about how we dont have the money to properly frame any of her work and real frames like the ones in that showing cost a lot of money and part of me just has this anger inside me like. why do these rich ladies with their mediocre paintings get to be in galleries and be art teachers when my mom and her beautiful artwork doesnt stand a chance of ever getting in a gallery. and then i start thinking of all the amazing artists i know or follow online and how many of them are just struggling to stay alive and get their basic needs met and i get even angrier.
so yeah i dont really know if im contridicting myself by feeling that art should be accessible to everyone and that everyone is capable of doing art and wanting to encourage artists at all levels and not be an asshole needlessly to artists but at the same time. i was not impressed and felt bitter i guess. because of the rich ladies paintings. then again these ladies are calling themselves professionals and putting their work in galleries so i guess its not the same as just like seeing art online like i guess you have to expect people to critique you if youre calling yourself an art professional and having your work be displayed. anyway thanks if you read this love you
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She-Ra
Huntlow
King Andrias Leviathan, Lord of Amphibia. Peacekeeper of a thousand years and the first of his name.
Thank you for the ask :D
She ra
• Favorite character: Glimmer
• Least Favorite character: did the purple goat person ever get a name?
• 5 Favorite ships (canon or non-canon): Glimmadora, Scorfuma, Glitradora, and thats it
• Character I would be best friends with: bow would like be the best person to hang out with ever
• a random thought: fun fact theres a character called sans undertale. Im serious
• An unpopular opinion: Micah deserved more screentime
• My Canon OTP: Scorfuma
• My Non-canon OTP: Glimmadora
• Most Badass Character: Scorpia
• Most Epic Villain: idk
• Pairing I am not a fan of: catradora. Im sorry. With the right redemption arc i couldve shipped it but i just dislike the way it turned
•Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another):
• Favourite Friendship: The og friendship squad,, i love em.
• Character I most identify with: Glimmer
• Character I wish I could be: Mermista
Huntlow
• When I started shipping them: gonna be honest i was pretty late on the huntlow train, it wasnt til thanks to them that i got on board
• My thoughts: its neat. Doesnt really remarkably stand out for me but i dont mind it.
• What makes me happy about them: trauma buddies helping each other recover. If thats not goals i dont know what is
• What makes me sad about them: that so much s3 was cut out so we only saw snapshots of their interactions
• Things done in fanfic that annoys me: i havnt read any huntlow fanfics
• Things | look for in fanfic: hurt/comfort
• Who I'd be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: I originally shipped willuz at the start of the series so probs that, but with amity included bc poly relationships are better than love triangles. As for hunter i dont really have anyone i ship him with. I think i see him as aroace lol
King Andrias
• How I feel about this character: mixed feelings. I think hes unreasonable in his past actions and hes a bit of a coward- though i get why, with aldrich and the core in his head all the time. Happy with the ending he got though. Not dead but none of his actions being downplayed by the cast.
•Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character: i think if andrias hadnt changed then him and Leif and Barrel coulda been sweet together.
• My unpopular opinion about this character: i dont get why he had to be a robot? It came outta nowhere and i woulda just been fine thinking he was just immortal. It raises so many questions like did his body start decomposing at some point from old age?? Or as soon as he was king was he wired on with cyborg parts.
• One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: see above answer. Also wish wed seen more of his family, like his mom or something. Where did he come from??? If his species is planet destroyers is his species even originally from amphibia? Srsly tho where momdrias at
• Favorite friendship for this character: Leif and barrel
• My crossover ship: i know some people would want me to say Belosdrias but
Darkstalker andrias anyone? /j
Also thank you for the ask game! Just a heads up for others seein this, my ask box is still open and im eager to share my OSC opinions
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oh em fucking gee i AAAAAAACHSDKJDFHKSJGD
i watch all these videos on youtube of people going to cosplay conventions as splatoon characters (usually one of the Squid Sisters or both of them) and I WANT TO GO TO A CONVENTION SO BADLYYYYY
im a cosplayer and i have been for a few years now so I KNOW WHAT IM DOING AND I WANNA GO AS CALLIE WAAAAAAAAAASHDGSDHSJKDGJHSLKDCVJHDGFHS
but im probably never gonna be allowed to because my mom asked what i wanted for my birthday (its already passed now) and i told her i wanted to go to a convention and she assumed i meant a dance convention (ive been forced to be a dancer my whole fucking life i hate it) but then i told her "no i mean a cosplay convention it would make me really happy" to which she responded with "oh. you want to go to one of those freakshows."
i have not touched a cosplay since when she said that
but all i want is to get a callie cosplay (probably a Hypno callie but maybe just normal Callie) and i want to go to a convention
my dad did promise me that if theres any concerts or conventions in our state or on this side of the U.S. he would take me so
i should probably start looking into conventions again if i want a chance at going to one
im still really offended with my moms words because it hurts more coming from the one who birthed me when i have to hear that every day at school, being called a freak and a weirdo and being told to off myself because of the fact that im openly a cosplayer
also its because my account was found and spread through the school so basically im this schools biggest fucking joke i literally like hear kids chanting "sushigod. sushigod." (part of my username) and by the way now somebody is trying to hack said account probably to make a bigger fool of me, thank god insta locked my account so neither of us can get in
its all xavier and kalie's fault theyre both kids in my ela who found my insta and instead of being a good person and not saying anything they decided to send links to everyone they knew, links to my content
and now because boys have seen me in cosplays theyre all hitting on me and sexualizing me and touching me and calling me their "girlfriend" and by the way ive told admin about this and they just said "sorry, theres nothing we can do"
im sick of cosplayers getting sexualized because of characters they like because how the fuck are you sexualizing me for cosplaying fucking vocaloids and lady palutena like the fuck is wrong with you
holy shit im done talking about this i was gonna put this as my nova's speaks tag but no im gonna put it under the vent tag
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Birthday ... a few hours later
My mom kept insisting on having a bday dinner or some shit, i kept saying no, and it kept leading into fighting, she would ask and i would say no.
And she would insist, i would say no, then starts complaining and visibly angry.
I stand my ground and i say no.
Less than an hour later she comes back and does the same, before interrupting my class meetting, and now interrupting my work time, again i say no, she complains, visibly mad, bursts out the room angry hitting the door on her way out.
At this point im getting anxious asf and can barely focus on work.
She gets my brother to join in, to try and force me to go out to eat and pretend like we are normal and as if she doesnt mistreat me everyday for the past, now official 31 years of my life.
Again i tell her im working, and theres no point going out to dinner, that they should go themselves, she gets visibly angry again, and now stands there staring at me for a few minutes while i try to focus on my work.
After those minutes keeps insisting again : " Lets go to this place ", i say no , " then lets go to this one " , i say : i dont want it.
Again bursts out the room angry.
At this point i can barely work, my hands are shaking, i cant focus, im clenching my jaw and it hurts.
I start to get restless and angry...
After one more hour, i give up on trying to do todays assignment, im high on stress and cant find a way to ease my mind, i start to cry due to it.
And keep thinking...If i dont do as she wants, shes gonna treat me worse these next few days, if i dont go , in a few hours shes gonna be screaming at me and insulting me.
It was 9 pm, and she still wouldnt stop, so i decided to go, she agreed to order take out instead.
We get dinner, i sit at the table, my brother does some conversation, comparing men's safety in the streets to women's safety in the streets as in : its only a problem because u let it, so i proceed to tell him all the shit that happend to me in the last few years because " i let it " he looked shocked and eventually stoped talking on the matter, at this point i was angry and just wanted to cry at the table.
My mom starts taking pictures of this, me looking angry and my brother talking, she keeps taking pictures and smilling in them, i ask her to stop taking pictures because its annoying me and i dont want/feel comfortable with her doing so, she keeps doing anyway, she says she wont take any more , yet lowers her phone as if she wasnt taking and takes from lower angles, she takes pictures of my face for some reason.
She eventually stops, when i smile to the camera as she repeatedly asks..
I have bruishes /scratches on my face ( cheek, lips and jaw ) from these last few panic attacks, i can barely look at myself in the mirror, and she kept taking photos of my face....
As if it were nothing...
Birthdays alone in my room crying, are lonely and painfulll....but this one, humilliating, lonely, restless,painfull...but the amount of humiliation i feel in my heart, thats the most painfull part...
#Suicide#depression#pain#toxic#toxic mother#domestic violene poem#domestic abuse#abusive mother#birthday#mental illness#mental disorder#mental abuse#toxic family#trauma#anger#ptsd#manipulation#pretending#gaslight
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my mom is literally impossible. everything i want to do, enjoy or experience she finds some way to demotivate me or go crazy enough to deter me from it for good. im still really struggling with how to deal with it. physical stuff is so much easier to deal with than mental/emotional. tonight, for example, she starts yelling at me for not having a job, having a horrible attendance at college, and just being in bed all day, which, as i lay them out like that, they’re reasonable things to be asking your seemingly bum of a child. she goes further into comparing me to my cousin. hes doing much higher level things in college, and not only does he have a full attendace there, he has a job too, so his schedule is almost always booked. mine is not. he is an entire 9 months younger than me, which ofc gives me full seniority over him and should put me much further in life than him. at least thats what mum has consistently held over my head since the ripe age of 8. i decide to play along and question back, why doesn’t he have 3 jobs? my friend, who is 5 months older (which is a lot obvs /j) has 3 part time jobs, whilst attending full college (at a high level), and still has time for extra ciricullars. she was confused and was like ?? why are you bring this up? i tried to tell her that, theres always gonna be someone better than you, and worse than you, so its very unfair to compare yourself to others in a way that makes you both feel guilty for doing things most cant, and for not doing things most can. she very quickly changed topic but continued to bash me over the head with my constant horrible attendence, that i should be at a better place in life if I had just taken my exams and got on with things. when she says things like that it hurts and throws me into a spiral. it feels like she has all the control over whether or not i fall into the pit of depression again or not. ofc she never chooses that i don’t. im not sure if i really should be asking you for advice on how to deal with this as you arent a liscened therapist, but i really need some. every time we have one of these arguments, i feel like im 15 again, back to being suicidal and wanting to sh and just wanting to not exist anymore. i truly hate it because thats not me anymore, ive tried so hard to pull myself out of each depressive episode alone and i hate that all my hard work can be undone with a sentence from her. i cant do to her what i did to my dad. practically pretend they dont exist, never speak to them and ice them out until now we only speak once a month, if that. it sounds awful, i know, but im very proud of myself for getting to that stage with him, its hard to go no contact when you live with them. (he was very abusive, as is my mum, but he quite literally ruined my life and i have to pick up the pieces whilst he gets to enjoy himself every day. i have to watch the man who wanted to beat me, hurt me, and who yelled at me until i became suicidal, have the time of his life having a redo with my cousin, spending all of his new money on any and all his interests, and becoming closer with my sister. its literal torture.) unfortunatley still have to deal with mum. to put it coldly and horribly, shes the one with access to the heat, clothes, food, bedding, electricity,etc, i need her until i can move out. i cant really break that bond just yet as i still need her so i dont die. (ik i can be homeless and be in foster care but im lucky enough to have the choice to say no to those things so im taking advantage of it) i am sorry if this in any way comes across cold, mean, or passive agressive. the argument mentioned above happened just 20 minutes ago and its still pretty raw, and im not the best at processing my emotions lol. thank you so much for your time, i hope your evening is going great (:
Hi! Don't worry about your tone, nonnie. You're allowed to express your emotions, and especially to be frustrated and upset after what happened with your mom. All I ask is for people to remain respectful to me and anyone else who might read their ask, which you definitely did :)
I'm sorry you're in this situation, it sounds really tough 😔 of course you'd rather stay with her than be homeless! I really hope you're not downplaying what she's putting you through or doubting your trauma and abuse because you're choosing to live with her. All you're doing is trying to keep yourself safe. There's nothing wrong with that.
And I also don't think it's awful that you managed to cut out your dad so successfully! It's very similar to what I did with my mother, and I honestly think you ought to be proud of yourself for taking so many steps to protect yourself in spite of how complicated it can be to cut out a parent like that.
Regarding your mum, while it's not unreasonable to want you not to be in bed all day, it IS unreasonable to verbally and emotionally abuse you because of it. She's putting you down, constantly comparing you with others, triggering you, and worsening your mental health. If she really wanted you to have a better life, she'd be offering her kindness and support—not contributing to all the reasons you're struggling right now.
I don't really have much advice, other than to tell you it's okay to set boundaries and to take any steps you can to protect yourself even if you can't cut her out yet. You're not awful for being affected by her words. You're not weak for getting triggered around her. You're not cold or mean for standing up for yourself. You don't owe her anything just because she gives you a roof and a bed, and it's okay for you to acknowledge that. Please, try to be as kind to yourself as possible until you can get out of there. You're doing your best right now. Your best doesn't have to look like anyone else's, because no one else is living their life under exactly the same circumstances as you, so please try to remember that when she compares you with others.
Sending all my support your way ❤️
#ask#abuse#abuse tw#abusive mother#emotional abuse tw#physical abuse tw#verbal abuse tw#suicidal tw#self harm mention#self harm tw#abusive father tw
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i have to be a liar. it cant be real. i shouldn't be like this. i dont deserve it. why is mental illness so debilitating to the point where i can barely maintain a full time job without missiny days, being late, having many breakdowns. ive been working part time for months now, 4-5 hr shifts. this becomes overwhelming for me too. i need to make more money and work full time but I'm terrified of a full time job now mentally i am so so scared.
theres no reason i should be like this. i created a false reality with false memories of trauma and abuse. my parents are right i was making it up it cant be real. i exaggerate the past. my brother says he doesnt remember it. i have to be lying right? it didnt happen. im stupid for thinking it happened. im just doiny what they said, my parents and my old therapist, im obsessed with labels, i drive myself to misery, im fucking crazy and its my fault.
i dont tell people my disorders i try to hide everything. i cant hide my cuts i cant hide the dead look on my face. i don't deserve it. people are so nice to me but i dont deserve it. my memories are fake i know nothing. i wasn't there terrified and alone in my room, my mom so drunk and incoherent, she falls off her bed i hear a loud thump. shes groaning and moaning and idk what shes even saying but i help her up. she can hardly walk i have to take her to the bathroom and help with everything. i try to get her back to bed but she wont let me, she wobbles out down the deck into the street at 3am, calling out for david a fucking freak who preys on me and her for our body, giving us food when we have nothing. dropping her when she wont give in. shes calling for him and she collapses in the middle of the street. i get her inside eventually just for her to get in bed and fall again. when she wakes up she tells me not to tell anyone.
it hurts knowing she hurt so much, hurt me so much, yet still tried to love us and provide even though we were so poor we coulent afford toilet paper most of the time. i had my rats as company snuggling up to me and running around my room. i had the hospitals. they smile to my face but they dont believe me. they just admit me and treat me for my self harm and attempted suicides, my mom doesnt let me have my meds anymore. im laying in bed late at night, into the morning. i think i had school but it couldve been the weekend, i usually stayed up all night and slept in my classes.
im listening to kid cudi's man on the moon album, the song mr rager playing as i cry and have taken most of my medicine. im waiting for my life to end, wishing i couldve escaped from here, wishing i could experience freedom and less sadness. i feel pain and weakness and i drift off. but i wake up. im so depressed that i woke up. and no one noticed.
i still had so much to be grateful for, my dad tells me i couldve had it worse when i live with him. people are dying from shit they cant control like covid and im in my feelings about exaggerated bullshit just to make me seem sicker. i just wanted to be sick nothing more. i embraced it because that was all people could see of me even when i tried to escape it. purging everything. using the counselord bathroom because im trans and not safe in the men's bathroom. i go there after lunch feeling defeated when i give into the meal of smuckers pbj with string cheese and fruit. i purge it all and spray as much as i can it hopes it will cover the smell of my vomit. how stupid i am.
i try to come to terms with my experiences. but i always feel like a liar. my friends believe me. my parents have come to see i am severely mentally ill and im not pretendint i cant control it. they acknowledge they werent the best all the time but still "dont remember" or dont think it was that bad but i perceived it that way. my mom drunk teyi got to fight me saying all her boys liked to wrestle, i cant be a boy if i cant even do that im just a girl. my brother pulls her off of me everyones yelling. he gets her phone to call the cops and she comes behind him with her arms around his neck until he lets go. david was in the house. i asked him to get help.
when the cops come he says we attacked her. she believes it because she doesnt remember. the cops dont care they dismiss it. my experiences never mattered. it was never bad enough. they didnt bruise me enough for it to matter to them. im just a liar. i had pictures of how red my arm was when my dad was grabbing me and digging into my wrist, twisting the skin. it doesnt matter. im lying.
no one will read this. if they did it doesnt matter. it doesnt need tags. im crazy because i live in a fantasy where everyone was out to get me but my family was fine. i made life hard for them with all this. my brother didnt react the same way. he was traumatized too. he told me living with mom made him contemplate suicide. his pain is real. i love my brother. hes doing so well now.
yet im still nothing. my dad is worried ill be in a constant loop of instability and living in shitty places. they try to encourage me still. they say i can make it, they believe in me, everyones just waiting for that moment i can do it. everyones waiting on me. time will run out. im disappointing everyone. i was a bad daughter and im a bad son. couldnt go to college. was homeless for so long. ended up with my mom homeless and living with her in a trailer.
im so nothing. i am so, so, nothing. i vent to my friends about killing myself but it doesnt matter. ill heavily contemplate writing everyones notes but in the end my friends will not truly worry because i dont attempt. because there are sharp wires digging into my flesh, pulling me down to earth, my bf, his family, my family, some of my friends. i cant disappoint them. yet im disappointing them because i still havent accomplished anything. i owned a trailer with my mom, worked full time, paid bills. and i moved and now i have lost so much. my transportation, job opportunities, friends, my therapist, faith in myself and my art.
i want to bleed onto my paintings. slice my flesh open, beautiful velvet lines puddling up til they all drip onto my hard work, staining them forever with my essence and my pain and my failure. i deserve to hurt for being a liar. i deserve to hurt for being a failure. for having my boyfriend who is a beautiful human, and his family, become so attached to me that if i died it would be such a tragedy. i dont want to outlive anyone i know. i dont want to see them leave me.
i dont want to hear my thoughts anymore. i dont want ptsd flashbacks about shit that isnt real and isnt worth being this ill over. god am i fucking useless. i will try and try to heal from all my hurt and my mind will pummel me with self doubt. i try to believe in myself i really do. i try to trust myself, that i can still make good art like i used to, i can experiment and love it and make it work like i always used to. i feel hope that i can really truly do it. and then it doesnt happen. i look down at it defeated because everything i loved about my work has been sucked out of me.
my art has always been there. the one constant in my life. always drawing. just a month ago i was spending hours everyday making art for my portfolio. and this month i havent completed a single thing. i think i csn do it everyone thinks i can but im not. im tired of being a failure and fighting myself everyday like a toxic relationship with a lover.
i wish so badly i could take all my pills with a big drink and not wake up this time. but i can't.
i expect nothing from anyone. slowly, people are beginning to expect nothing from me. i am so small and so stupid. i look in the mirror and i see someone who is beautiful but also a walking tragedy. disgusting. tiring.
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im gonna do this cause i see it everywhere and never have but idrk if people care so im just gonna do as much as i want all at once for fun
1 sw 172 hw 205 cw 173 lw 140
2 im 5'5 and a half technically and i wish i was just 5'5 or like a little bit shorter i hate being bigger than other people and i feel like its more ""excusable"" if im shorter? i grew up being the tall kid and hated it so i feel a lot better about it now since everyones grown
3 not posting thinsp0 cause i dont wanna get t3rmd or be too triggering
4 my greatest fears about weight loss are dying, getting forced into recovery again or institutionalized and just generally my mom finding out
5 the real reason i wanna lose weight is definitely mostly for other people i got over a lot of insecurity when i recovered but fatphobias a bitch and people treated me sm worse constantly than when i was at my lw
6 i dont binge probably bc most of the time theres not a lot of food in the house and ive just never gotten into the habit of it
7 i dont think my parents know? my mom might but if she does she thinks im just exercising again and doing it healthy style
8 i dont really have a workout routine im still trying to get back into working out but i do go on 20 minute runs like 3ish times a week and ive been doing small pinterest cardio workouts like burpees mountain climbers and other basics
9 people have made comments since 2nd grade lol thats a big part of why im back here
10 the hardest thing ive given up during weight loss was happiness honestly. it sounds cheesy but eds literally take over your brain food was the only thing on my mind and recovering was like euphoria with this giant weight (lol) lifted.
11 @lxllx3d is my fav thinsp blog cause i dress alternative and the owner seems cool and has good opinions
12 too many hard boiled eggs my cholesterols crazy and i have bagels pretty often as my main meal
13 lmao
14 my ugw is 120 and losertown says ill reach it sometime this summer or august
15 im not vegan or vegetarian but im hindu so i dont eat cow and feel bad about pigs being smart so i dont eat pig i try to eat as much chicken as i can cause protein is very important for not dying w a restrictive ed
16 i first decided to lose weight when i was 9 i would do these workout apps with my also fucked up friend. i saw a nutritionist (fuck you lady) when i was 11 and she told me to start counting calories on myfitnesspal (fuck you lady fr never tell a child to do that)
17 im an0rexic
18 sunflower seeds and pie are probably my biggest weaknesses (which is usually fine for sunflower seeds except like sodium)
19 the last time i ate fast food was probably like a month or two ago i had like fries and i live across the street from a fosters freeze (its like a dairy queen)
20 i dont really do diets i just set cal goals based on what i think i need/can handle
21 i wear like a us medium in tops and a large in bottoms depending on the store obvs
22 i already said but my lw was 140 and i gained bc i recovered (like professionally like i had a dr and psychiatrist and nutritionist(she sucked))
23 media probably definitely played a role in me thinking being fat was bad or just being aware of it in general but i think it was mostly subconscious
24 pro ana and pro mia are pretty dumb terms to me bc almost nobodys actually promoting it to other people or thinks its good we just want community i usually just say ana community or mia or ed
25 i have purged i cant remember the first time but i do remember one time i was hanging out with my friends at my house and we had rootbeer floats and i took a shower a purged it when they were in the other room which was super lame
26 im most excited to just feel lighter and have people notice again
27 idk how i deal with being around food sometimes i eat it sometimes i dont sometimes i give it to other people
28 a thigh gap would be nice bc chafing in the summer hurts so bad but i dont think its realistic for my body type and cause i still wanna be relatively curvy i def want more of a gap then now though
29 i think my definition of beauty is pretty abstract i find most things beautiful and a lot of it for people depends on actions and personality and little things they do i think beauty is ever evolving and cant really be defined
30 10 facts about me!! im an artist(bunch of different things but a lot of portrait paintings), im a smoker (both), im an ambivert but i act like an extrovert, i like kids, im german and have a really cool last name, im passionate about politics and social justice, im really passionate about the environment (i represent my school in this district wide youth environment thing and im taking ap environmental science), im very bisexual, i love riot grrrl music and subculture stuff, im a theater kid :|
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