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tlbodine · 1 year

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Socializing 2.0 - Talking to People Who Are Upset

I was trying to write this as a reblog to my other "how to socialize" post and it keeps glitching out, which is very irritating. So here, let's try it on its own post.

Last time I talked about some tips for making small talk, and some scripts/talking points for how to show interest in what people are saying even if the topic doesn't excite you.

Now, I want to talk about a different scenario that can be really challenging for everybody (but, I think even harder for folks who don't come by empathy easily). Which is: How do you talk to somebody who is upset or having a tough time? How do you express sympathy without making the thing about you and your feelings?

While I'm by no means an expert at this, and I can't claim I've got the solution for every scenario you might encounter, I do have some tips and techniques that have helped me along the way and hopefully they can prove useful to you, too.

STEP ONE: Identifying that a person is upset

Sometimes it's very easy to tell that someone is upset, because they will yell "ARGH I AM SO MAD ABOUT THIS!!!" or they will be crying or some other obvious outward sign. Other times, though, it can be kind of tricky to tell. It's even harder in text, where you sometimes have to guess whether someone is jokingly mad or mad-mad when they post keysmashes, all caps, angry emojis, etc etc.. Folks also sometimes deflect from their actual emotions by joking them off. Or they'll say something you feel is alarming, but then don't act like it's a big deal.

People are complicated, in other words. So it's OK if you get this wrong sometimes. Everybody does.

In general, some signs that people might have something the matter:

Obvious outward expression of emotion (yelling, crying)

Acting more withdrawn or subdued than normal

Appearing distracted or disengaged

Looking more disheveled than usual

Acting unusually rambunctious or like they're compensating

If you notice somebody seems upset but you're not 100% sure, you have a few options:

Politely ignore it.

Let them bring it up if they want to. This is a safe bet if you are not very close -- ie, they're strangers, coworkers, acquaintances etc. HOWEVER, if you choose this route, you can still do this person a kindness by not imposing on them.

For example, if your coworker seems upset about something and you have a question about the job, could you ask someone else instead of approaching upset coworker? Could you quietly do them a favor? For example, could you offer to take over for them at the register and let them work in the back? Offer to watch things while they take a break? Small kindnesses can make a big difference in someone's day. It's not always possible, but it's nice when you can!

If nothing else, try to avoid dumping anything on them while they seem upset. If you're also having a shit day, you can probably find someone else to rant to.

Ask if they're okay.

This is more appropriate if you have a rapport with the person. If they are your friend or romantic partner, or if you have a rapport with them and want to express that you care, it's probably best to acknowledge that you've noticed something is wrong. Avoid saying anything that might be perceived as aggressive; don't way "What's wrong" or (even worse) "What's wrong with you?" Instead, try, "Is everything okay? You seem a little down today."

They may respond:

I'm just a little tired

I'm kind of distracted

What? Oh, haha, no, I'm fine...

Sometimes they mean this at face value, but more often what they actually are communicating is "I'm not OK but I don't feel comfortable talking about it."

That's fine. Don't pry. Drop the subject, and proceed as above -- politely ignore their perceived signs of discomfort, but be kind to them and avoid dumping anything on them unnecessarily.

Do not be surprised or alarmed if, after some time has passed, they come back around to reopen the subject and start to open up about whatever is bothering them. Then again, don't take it personally if you never figure out what the deal was. Maybe they really did just have a headache. Maybe they had an issue they figured out on their own. Either way, it's no longer your problem.

(note: this is a little more complicated if it's someone you live with and it goes on for a while, but that scenario is out of scope for this post).

STEP TWO: They Told Me They're Upset

Okay! So whether you started here with them, or this just came up after you asked if things were ok, you now have confirmed that a person is upset!

If they tell you the gist of what's going on, it's a good idea to acknowledge it. But stay fairly neutral about it and avoid value judgments.

For example: "My grandpa died"

An appropriate response might be, "I'm sorry to hear that" or "Oh jeez, I'm sorry :("

Some other great all-purpose responses when someone says something bad happened are: "Dude, that sucks :(" and "oh no!" or "oof."

Next -- and this is really important -- you should follow up by asking, "Do you want to talk about it?"

(you can also use that question any time someone says something vague like "I had a shitty day today" or "I'm so pissed off.")

If they say no, they don't want to talk about it, follow up with, "Well, let me know if there's anything I can do." And then, ideally, volunteer a couple options of things you can do, depending on your relationship and what you are capable of doing: cover their shift, approve their time off, take care of a chore, listen if they change their mind.

If they DO want to talk about it, by all means, let them talk.

Ask if they would like advice or if they just want to get it off their chest. If they don't ask for advice, don't give them any.

Use your active listening skills and ask questions. Avoid prying or traumatic questions, but don't be shocked if you receive more intensive answers than you expected. A safe question to ask when someone says someone died is to say, "Were you close?" or if a pet died, "How long did you have them?"

Validate their emotions, but avoid bringing your own judgments to the table unless they ask for your honest opinion. For example, if someone is ranting about their romantic partner, it's cool to say, "I'm sorry that happened. You shouldn't have to put up with that." but it's not so cool to say "Your SO sounds like a dick, you should leave them."

Ask if they would like a distraction or to be cheered up. If you're in person, and you're amenable to the task, "Do you want a hug?" is also acceptable. (just respect whatever they said).

You'll want to be mindful of your energy. I personally have the best luck with projecting calm, neutral, slightly joke-y vibes. "It do be like that" and "Dude, that sucks" delivered with some genuine warmth in your tone or an empathetic emoji can go a long way.

STEP THREE: How to Not Make It About You

There are a few ways you can unintentionally make something be about you when someone else brings up something that's upsetting them:

One-upping them. "That's nothing. This one time, I had...."

Invalidating them or passing judgment. "That's not a big deal" or "What an asshole!" (you can agree with them that someone is being a dick, bit they need to be the one who says it first)

Trying to relate to them by telling a story about your own experiences, which ends up taking a really long time, or puts them in the awkward position of feeling like they have to comfort you.

OK. So a couple things.

Relating to people with relatable experiences is not a bad thing! In fact sometimes it can be really helpful! HOWEVER if you go that route you need to be really cautious of a couple points:

The story needs to be brief and stick only to the most relevant details. it's FINE if you don't provide the full absolute context of the entire scenario. You just need to tell them the relatable part, and then relate that back to them and how they are feeling.

For example:

"I'm so sorry to hear your dog died. I had to put my cat to sleep last year and I remember how guilty I felt, worrying whether I waited too long. Did you have a lot of time to prepare with your dog or was it pretty sudden?"

This is good! Here you are relaying information that you understand some of what they're going through, introduce an emotion that may or may not resonate with them, and then hand the conversation back to them with a question. Now they might tell you all about how, yes, they worried about that same thing too! Or no, their thing was really sudden and unexpected. Or whatever they tell you!

Then you can respond to that thing like, "Oh wow, I can't imagine how rough that must have been." or "Jeez, that's so hard. How are the kids taking it?" or whatever else seems appropriate in that moment.

STEP FOUR: OK But Now They Won't Shut Up About It?

One downside to expressing concern in other people's affairs is that this can sometimes mark you as their new confidant, purely because people so rarely just listen and care about other people.

If it's just the occasional bit of ranting, it's probably fine to just let them do their thing. And if they're coming to you to rant and off-load their stuff, then it's probably fine and expected that you can respond in time and maybe you guys are just ranting buddies.

But if you end up in a scenario where they can ALWAYS complain about their thing, but you can NEVER complain about your thing, that is a toxic dynamic! That requires some intervention! Friendship cannot be built on that foundation.

If you've expressed your condolences or listened to someone rant about whatever is pissing them off and you feel you have nothing more to offer the conversation, you can just say that: "I don't know what else to say, really. It's a tough situation and I hope it gets better for you."

And then you can just. Exit the conversation.

Some additional lines to keep in your back pocket include:

"I think that's beyond my pay grade to help with. Have you spoken with (a therapist/counselor/clergy member/whatever)?"

"That's so frustrating! You should definitely go talk to (the person they are complaining about) about that."

"Well, if you ever need someone to (specific thing you actually are willing to do), let me know."

Being kind to people and showing concern for their problems does not mean you have to become an unpaid therapist or doormat. You get to maintain boundaries about that stuff.

Anyway! This is super long! There is so much more I could get into here but I'll leave it at that. I hope this is in some way helpful to you.

#long post #social skills #soft skills #psa #in case nobody ever told you #autism #adhd #neurodivergent #what else can I tag this as #blanket disclaimer #I am not a psychologist or a professional #I'm a writer who spends a lot of time watching humans #and am generally perceived as a good communicator #I guess #ok good luck have fun

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