i got rickrolled today but it didn't work because i have adblocker installed, so youtube just told me i violated the terms of service. yesterday i was trying to edit a picture as a joke for my girlfriend, and google made me check a box to prove i'm human because i wasn't "searching normally".
it isn't just that capitalism is killing fun and whimsy, it is that any element of entertainment or joy is being fed upon by this mosquito body, one that will suck you dry at any vulnerability.
do you want to meet new friends in your city? download this app, visit our website, sign up for our email list. pay for this class on making a terrarium, on candlemaking, on cooking. it will be 90 dollars a session. you can go to group fitness, but only under our specific gym membership. solve the puzzle, sign up for our puzzle-of-the-month-club. what is a club if not just a paid opportunity - you are all paying for the same thing, which makes you a community.
but you're like me, i know it - you're careful, you try the library meetings and the stuff at the local school and all of that. the problem is that you kind of want really specific opportunities that used to exist. you are so grateful for libraries and the publicly-funded things: they are, however, an exception - and everything they have, they've fought tooth-and-nail to protect. you read a headline about how in many other states, libraries have virtually nothing left.
do you want to meet up with your friends afterwards? gift your friends the discord app. you can choose to go to a cafe (buy a coffee, at least), a bar (money, alcohol) or you can all stay in and catch a movie (streaming) or you can all stay in bed (rent. don't get me started) and scream (noise complaint. ticket at least).
you want to read a new book, but the book has to have 124 buzzwords from tiktok readers that are, like, weirdly horny. you can purchase this audiobook on audible! your podcast isn't on spotify, it's on its own server, pay for a different site. fuck, at least you're supporting artists you like. the art museum just raised their ticket price. once, they had a temporary exhibit that acknowledged that ~85% of their permanent art galleries were from cis white men, and that they had thousands of works by women (even famous women, like frida! georgia o'keefe!) just rotting in their basement. that exhibit lasted for 3 months and then they put everything away again.
walmart proudly supports this strip of land by the street! here are some flowers with wilting leaves. its employees have to pay out-of-pocket for their uniforms. my friend once got fined by the city because she organized a community pick-up of the riverfront, which was technically private property.
no, you cannot afford to take that dance class, neither can i. by the way - i'm a teacher. i'm absolutely not saying "educators shouldn't be paid fairly." i'm saying that when i taught classes, renting a studio went from 20 bucks an hour to 180 in the span of 6 months. no significant changes to the studio were made, except they now list the place as updated and friendly. the heat still doesn't work in the building. i have literally never seen the landlord who ignores my emails. recently they've been renting it out at night as an "unusual nightclub; a once-in-a-lifetime close-knit party." they spent some of those 180 dollars on LEDs and called it renovating. the high heels they invite in have been ruining the marley.
do you want to experience the old internet? do you want to play flash games or get back the temporary joy of club penguin? you can, you just need to pay for it. i have a weird, neurodivergent obsession with occasionally checking in to watch the downfall and NFT-ification of neopets. if i'm honest with you all - i never got into webkins, my family didn't have the money to buy me a pointless elephant. people forget that "being poor" can mean literally "if i buy you that toy, i can't afford rent."
you and i don't have time to make good food, and we don't have the budget for it. we are not gonna be able to host dinner parties, we're not made of money, kid. do you want some kind of 3rd space? a space that isn't home or work or school? you could try being online, but - what places actually exist for you? tiktok counts as social media because you see other people on it, not because they actually talk to you.
there was a local winter tradition of sledding down the hill at my school. kids would use pizza boxes and jackets and whatever worked, howling and laughing. back in september, they made a big announcement that this time, rules were changing, and everyone must pay 10 dollars to participate. when im not scared shitless, i kind of appreciate the environmental irony - it hasn't gone below 40. so much for snow & joyriding.
i saw a bulletin for a local dogwalking group and, nervous about making a good first impression, showed up early. the first guy there grimaced at me. "sorry," he said. "there's a 30-dollar buy-in fee." i thought he was joking. wait. for what? the group doesn't offer anything except friendship and people with whom to walk around the city.
he didn't know the answer. just shrugged at me. "you know," he said. "these days, everything costs money."
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Happy Halloween 👻
Obviously this is a very bittersweet (or maybe just tragic? Yeah, probably just tragic...) holiday for Jily fans, but I thought I'd post the epilogue from my story What Are You Doing to Me? which can also work as a traumatic one shot in honor of this night!
Enjoy! 😁🎃
Halloween Night, 1981
"Babe, we can't dress him up like a stag every year," Lily teased, flicking at her husband's fake antlers, currently perched lopsidedly atop his messy-as-always hair. They matched a tinier set that very adorably adorned her young son's head, making him even more of a carbon copy of his father than usual. It hadn't been all of five minutes after James had held his son for the first time, his eyes practically morphing into hearts, when a mischievous smirk had slid onto his face.
"What?" Lily had asked skeptically, utterly exhausted.
"Lils…"
"Yes?"
"Baby…"
"Yes?" Lily had been in no mood for banter.
He grinned down to Harry. "I knew I'd be right, but—" he held up Harry to face his mum, "— I didn't realize I'd be this right."
Lily had laughed, and then promptly yelled at James because laughing right now fucking hurt.
Yeah, so it turned out their baby looked like James, but Lily was still holding out hope that perhaps he'd act more like her. Naturally, she ignored all contrary evidence — like that he seemed born ready to fly, already had infectious charm, a whole bunch of nerve, and, you know, the fact that there seemed to be a rather familiar swagger to his first little steps. But then again, Harry was just such a good, sweet baby; and sure, Lily hadn't been around for James' infancy, but there was no way that he could have been so well-behaved back then. (James had pointed out that she was the more likely out of the two of them to throw temper tantrums, but she ignored that too.)
"Why not?" James asked innocently with puppy eyes that rivaled Padfoot's. "They still fit him, and look how happy he is!"
"And they'll keep fitting him every year since you keep transforming them larger," Lily responded. However, she lacked any true opposition in her words, because Harry really did look so over the moon to be matching his dad, emerald eyes gleaming as he leaned back in his crib, clapping his hands. She couldn't help but gush over him.
James pulled out another pair of plushie adult antlers out of his back pocket and offered them to Lily. "Is someone perhaps jealous, and in need of her own pair?"
Lily shook her head, snatching the headband and jamming it over her hair. "When'd you make this?"
"Just now, on the couch."
She grabbed both of James' cheeks, smooshing his face before kissing him between every word. "You are such a dork."
James grinned as he wrapped his arms around his wife's hips, pulling her flush against him. "I'm pretty sure you meant adorkable."
Lily smiled as she tilted her head to the side and rested her forearms on his broad shoulders. She wasn't altogether too subtle about just how much she was checking him out in this sweater, but so what? James was her husband, and her husband was a whole damn meal.
"Pretty sure I meant I'm gonna need you to…" Lily leaned into his ear and whispered something that made him flush almost instantly.
James' jaw dropped, faux-scandalized as his fingers dug into her skin possessively. "Lily!" He shook his head and laughed. "Harry's first real sentence is going to be something filthy, and you'll have no one to blame but yourself."
Lily shrugged. "I don't know about that. We could always pin it on Padfoot."
James chuckled, leaning into her as his hands roamed her back and he swooped her down for a kiss. Lily giggled as he held her there for a moment, rubbing his nose against hers. "Mrs Potter, that is simply devious."
She gave him a fresh peck. "You love it."
"I do, oh, how I do…" Harry making strange gurgling noises had them come back to standing straight. "I know, Harry, I know." Harry continued making nonsensical squeaks that James pretended to understand perfectly. "Why yes, very astute observation, son. You should be wary of red-headed minxes trying to steal your heart."
"Oh hush, you," Lily reprimanded her husband as she took Harry in her arms. He immediately started playing with her hair as she cooed to him. "Happy Halloween, Harry, happy Halloween!" She tenderly pushed his wild hair off his forehead as she bounced him. "Next year we'll take you Trick-Or-Treating," she promised hollowly. Lily missed the sad look James gave them; after all, they'd never expected to spend a second Halloween in hiding. "Even if we have to do it from under your Dada's Invisibility Cloak." Lily looked up to James, who quickly cleared his face of melancholy. "Did Albus mention when he was bringing that back, by the way?"
James shook his head. "Nah, he didn't."
Lily balanced Harry on her hip and swayed them gently. "I still don't get it. I mean, I heard the man say he has the means to turn himself invisible with my own ears. So, why's he gotta take ours?"
James sighed. "I don't know, babe." The way he said it very much implied, 'When Albus Dumbledore asks you to do something, you just do it.' His eyes landed on the camera Padfoot had dropped off on his last visit, and he instantly jumped at the chance to brighten the mood. He picked it up and pointed it his family's way. "All right, my deers! Harry, Harry— look at Dada!" Harry tittered and did so. "Okay, on the count of three, we're gonna say 'Prongs,' okay? Okay Harry: one, two, three—"
"PWONGS!"
Lily gasped as James took the shot and then practically punched the air in excitement.
"Good job, Harry!" Lily encouraged.
"Yes, Harry, yes!" He stole Harry from Lily and made him fly across the room in his arms, one of his son's all-time favorite pastimes. Harry cheered and giggled as James continued to shout, "A genius! Babe! Our baby is a bloody genius!"
Lily watched the scene, heart melting with love, sweet, sweet love. She adored her family so friggin' much, and truly would do anything to protect it.
James flew Harry back to her and removed the bulky camera strap from off his neck, managing to one-handedly make it face them as he stood by Lily's side and clutched Harry to his chest. "Here, let's get one of the whole Pwongs family."
Lily laughed as she took Harry's tiny hand and leaned into her husband. He kissed her cheek right before the flash went off, completely taking her by surprise. "Sneak attack," he joked.
Lily couldn't wait to see how the photo developed. She thought it had the potential to be one for her nightstand.
Of course, she never found out.
Only a few seconds later, the sound of their front door being blasted apart downstairs echoed across the whole house. Lily and James both jumped, making three sets of plushie antlers and the camera fall to the floor, the lens cracking sounding like a death knoll.
Lily and James turned to each other and she saw her own sickening panic reflected right back at her. No, her brain short-circuited, it's rowdy trick-or-treaters. It's the neighbors. It's Tiger. It's not… it can't be…
But she knew who it was. She had always known who was coming for her, who was still fuming over her years of evading him, who was here. This time, she feared she wouldn't be able to get away. This time, she knew she was about to die.
James reanimated first, shoving Harry into Lily's arms as he pushed her to the window. She realized they both didn't have their wands. If she recalled correctly, hers was probably still on the kitchen counter, last having been used to clean up the mess of James' attempt to make shepherd's pie from scratch. "Lily, take Harry and go! It's him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off—" Seeing his wife remain frozen, he opened the window himself, only to be greeted by a solid brick wall. He yelled out in frustration, punching it to see if it was really there. "Shit!"
Voldemort had magically trapped them inside, and they'd been having too precious of a moment to notice.
Downstairs, she heard Tiger let out an almighty hiss and Voldemort cry out as though he'd been brutally scratched. It was a small victory that ended too soon when she heard that horrid spell, followed immediately by a vivid green light making the carpet just below the nursery door glow. Tiger…
"No… no…" Lily cried, squeezing Harry to her chest.
James sunk to Lily's eye level, gripping her face right in front of his own. "Lils, baby, listen to me," he whispered urgently. "Listen to me." Her terrified darting eyes, frantically searching for a way out, any way out, finally focused on his. A small wave of completely unwarranted comfort washed over her, even though tears were fully streaming down her face. "You have to protect him. I know you can do it," he told her steadily.
What he was planning to do — go down and face Voldemort and buy her time to perform her shield magic — was slowly starting to sink in. "NO. No, James, don't go, please—" she pleaded, wildly gripping for his wrist. She was holding on to both her boys, her boys; why would anyone try to take them from her? Why? "Stay! I can protect you. I can protect both of you!"
Lily's vision was swimming, but she could still so clearly feel the pain in James' gaze. "We don't know that, Lils. It's never worked at protecting two people before." His hand quivered as his thumbs swiped at her cheeks. "Maybe the only reason it hasn't been activated yet is because I'm still here."
"No, baby, no…" Lily sobbed, leaning into his palm. She knew they were running out of time, but she couldn't lose him. Not like this. "Please, don't leave—"
James was holding back his own tears as he moved in to kiss her forehead and put his hand over her heart. "I'm right here. I'll always be right here." He bent to Harry and kissed the top of his head; their son, their precious little son, let out a little laugh with the action, truly having no idea what was going on. "Save Harry?" he asked determinedly as he stood tall.
Lily jutted out her chin, summoning every ounce of strength her body had left to answer him. Her husband needed her. Her son needed her. "Yes. I will." She felt her jaw twitching, but her conviction remained solid, I'll do whatever it takes.
James shot her a wink. "That's my girl."
He turned to leave, but Lily wasn't ready. She wanted just one more moment, one more second with her man. That wink had brought her back to a time when the possibilities had been endless, and they weren't yet cursed — even if it had felt like they were at the time. She yanked James back to her and sunk her free hand into his silky hair, kissing him like they were 16 again and he'd just cornered her against a desk to try to get her to admit that she loved him back just as much as he loved her. Only now, they both already knew.
She could faintly hear the creak of the first step, alerting them to the fact that Voldemort had deduced that they were upstairs. They were out of time. She quickly tried to imprint the feel of James' lips into her mind forever, to memorize the love she felt with Harry sandwiched between them, delighted he was getting hugged by both his parents at once — but it was over too soon. "I love you, James Potter. I've always loved you." Her voice crackled and was water-logged, but he still understood.
Lily watched as a tear escaped from one of his gorgeous hazel eyes and rolled down his cheek, over his smattering of freckles, to where his dimple should have been, where it had been not minutes ago. He tried to smirk, but his lips didn't quite make it. "I know, Lily. I love you too. Until the very end."
He turned and walked out the door, and Lily knew it was the last time she'd ever see her husband again. She threw things in front of the door, barricading them in desperately, all while knowing it was no use. She just needed to do something with her hands to distract herself from James' suicide mission and the fact that she wasn't going after him. She was trying to find a way to not completely fall apart over the fact that she'd just let her heart walk out the door and she wasn't going to protect him — the man who had always been there for her was about to die, and she was doing nothing.
Harry babbled at her chest, a string of Mamas and Dadas, and she looked down at him to try to stop from hyperventilating without James. He looked so very much like his father. "Mama loves you," she sobbed. "Dada loves you." Why wasn't the shield working yet? What more did she bloody need? She felt like she was losing her mind.
Then she heard it. After a few taunts from James and a high-pitched cackle, she heard the worst curse in the world and felt a body crumble to the floor, reverberating through her bones and sucking out her will to live.
She knew James was dead.
Lily screamed, feeling her heart ripping in two, or maybe it was her very soul; all she knew was that he was gone, her James was gone, and she didn't— no, she couldn't be here without him. Never again would she see his smile light up the hall when he waited for her after a class they didn't share. Never again would she wake up to his eager face, ready to tell her about all the games he and Harry had already played that morning. Never again would she feel his arms wrapped around her tightly when he inevitably fell asleep as they watched a Muggle movie together on the couch. Never again.
But, Harry. Save Harry. Harry needs you. Since when had her inner monologue sounded like James? She looked at her son, emerald eyes wide and curious, wondering why his mum was screaming bloody murder. All she could see was love. This was her child, her baby with James, who looked just like him, who was a part of him — and she was going to save him.
She felt her heart pump out its final beats for herself before lurching and bursting forth its last protective bubble, straight into Harry who was still cradled against her chest. The filmy surface was a blood red, like the purest of love, but tinged with gold flecks, the same hue as those in his father's eyes. James is golden. James' love for his son would help to protect him too, even now.
When the bubble soaked into Harry's skin, he looked straight at Lily mesmerized. She knew that awe-inspired look. It was the same one he always gave her whenever she'd start singing him a lullaby before bed. After the attack at the talent show, Lily had never sang in public ever again, and James had never asked her to sing for him either, knowing how painful the memory was for her. But she still sang for Harry, if only to see the look he was giving her right now. She wondered if that's what her magic felt like to him — like his mum was softly rocking him to sleep whilst singing him the sweetest of songs.
(She never knew it, but James would have an almost identical look on his face whenever she sang, only he'd be on the other side of the nursery door, listening in. The Potter boys both just loved her voice that much.)
As her magic got absorbed, Lily let out a shaky sigh of relief. He'll be safe. She knew Harry would grow up, be the bravest kid in all the land just like both his parents before him, it just wouldn't be with them.
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