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jmagnabo92 · 1 year

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It’s Not Your Fault

Part 9 of Sirius and Harry Bonding Series

AO3

Harry's brooding after the event with the snake and Sirius has to find a way to help Harry through it by giving him his special present.

***

Despite the fact that Sirius had become quite the confidant for Harry in the last few months (their near-daily mirror talks had skyrocketed Sirius to Harry’s go-to person – even more than their letters from the previous year had), he finds himself at a loss when it comes to Harry. For whatever reason, his kid was absolutely refusing to be around anyone else in the house, including Sirius. Even though the previous night, he had confided in him a bit.

He sensed from Harry’s tidbit about his dream that Harry is worried that he’s somehow responsible for the attack on Arthur and from the looks on the Weasley kids’ faces didn’t exactly help. Once Arthur was established as stable, they’d sent the kids to bed. Harry hadn’t come to second breakfast/lunch but was taken to St. Mungo’s with everyone else. Afterwards, he claimed to be tired, but hasn’t come out for dinner.

Sirius couldn’t sleep last night/this morning and hadn’t felt any better when Harry refused to come to lunch despite the best efforts of his friends (including Hermione, who had ditched her own parents to be with them instead), Harry continued to hide and now, it was almost dinner with no sign of him.

Harry was likely brooding and considering doing something crazy like leaving headquarters and running away to protect the ones he loved. He’d heard enough of the kids’ conversation to know that they believe Harry might’ve been possessed because Moody and the other order members around Arthur’s bed had talked about it with the kids nearby and those extendable ears.

Poor kid. Clearly, his friends hadn’t dispelled him of the notion.

Knowing that he needs to get Harry to talk to him, he sends the kids downstairs, leans against the door and pulls out the mirror. “Harry.”

It takes multiple calls before a puffy-eyed Harry appears in the mirror. “I’m not in the mood to talk, Sirius.”

“I think we need to talk, Kid,” Sirius states, his eyebrows raised at Harry’s use of his name. He’d always called him ‘Pads’ since the day before the school year started whenever it was just the two of them. “I can help – at least let me try.”

Harry’s clearly uninterested in responding as he doesn’t even look at Sirius through the mirror.

“Alright, kid. We don’t have to talk, but I do have a surprise for you. Wanna come out so I could show you? I spent weeks on it – please, come out? Just for me?”

Harry rolls his eyes and huffs out a sigh, “Fine.”

The door opens behind him, and Harry looks like a tired mess, but still rather defiant. “Where’s this ‘surprise’?”

Sirius grins and grabs his hand and leads him up the stairs. They make it to the third door next to Regulus’ room on the children’s floor. The plaque read Harry James Potter’s Room.

Harry looks at him, “What’s this?”

“Your surprise. Go on, look inside.”

Harry hesitates but is clearly curious and slowly enters the room. He walks to the middle of the room, which is decorated with all of Harry’s favorite things, and pictures of his family – Ie, his parents, Sirius and himself. There weren’t many, but Sirius hoped to rectify that. He’d included photos of when Harry was a baby. It’d taken him a while to find them all – sneaking out of headquarters with Dobby to find them at his old flat (which had been willed to him by his Uncle Alfred and visiting Andy secretly while Tonks was gone because she would mention his excursions to Remus or Dumbledore and Sirius didn’t want the Order to know). Harry’s spinning around looking at everything in utter shock before sitting on the queen-sized bed with golden sheets and a deep red blanket since he’s used to the Gryffindor dorms’ color.

He looks shocked. “This is – for me?”

Sirius smiles as he moves in front of Harry, “I offered you a home when I was almost freed, and I couldn’t follow through. Now, I – I know that I – I can’t fully offer you to stay while I’m technically still on the run. I – I want to, but with the Ministry paying close attention to you, it’s hard… Dumbledore has to approve when you come and – and…” Sirius shakes his head. “Doesn’t matter, the point is – this is your home, I know it’s kind of depressing and I’d rather we live anywhere else, but … this is what I can do for now. Someday, when I get the chance to be free and prove my innocence, we’ll get a new home, and we’ll design it ourselves, and it’ll be exactly everything we both want because I want you with me – you’re my kid, and we both deserve to have our home together as a family, but for now, I wanted you to have your own room and know that you’re not a guest here – you’re at home here with me.”

Harry’s quiet for a long time and Sirius is almost afraid to look at him, worried than he made a mistake, that Harry didn’t want to be with him – live with him or have a home with him. That maybe Harry eagerly accepting Sirius’ offer had just been the excitement of the moment (discovering a godfather, his innocence and potential freedom), that even if he had asked if he could live with him when he was worried about getting expelled, it was just because he didn’t want to go back to the Dursleys, not be with Sirius, and that just because he wants to spend the holidays with Sirius doesn’t necessarily want a home with him. It could be that he was just worried and wanted some comfort and assurances, not that he actually wanted to live with Sirius… especially when Grimmauld Place was not his idea of a good home… there could be so many reasons that Harry seemed somewhat interested in staying with Sirius, but maybe… maybe… maybe…

“Of course, if you don’t –” Sirius is cut off when Harry suddenly throws himself in Sirius’ arms. He buries his face in Sirius’ neck, getting it all wet from his tears, and mutters something about never having a home before. “Oh, Kid, I love you. I always wanted you here, I just come with some complications, and I wasn’t sure if you would want to…”

“Of course, Pads!” Harry says, leaning back and wiping his tears. “I’ve always wanted to live with you ever since you offered, but I thought – maybe you didn’t want me to, especially with the other day...”

“Of course I did, Kid. I’ve always wanted you with me. I’ve been wanting to make sure you’d be here for holidays for weeks – same thing with last summer, but…” He shakes his head and smiles. “So, do you like it?”

“Like it? I love it! I – I get to stay here for the holidays?” Harry asks, his eyes sparkling in excitement. “This room is really mine?”

“Yes, I’ll have Dobby move your things – that elf really loves you,” Sirius smiles. He’s thrilled with Harry’s response to the room – happy that after worrying for so long that he wouldn’t be able to give Harry a place to call his own that he finally can. “He helped me buy the stuff and – er – helped me sneak out of here, completely hidden, I promise. So don’t worry.” He pauses, and says, “But don’t tell anyone – I was careful, but they don’t need to know.”

“Of course I won’t tell.” Harry smiles, “I’m glad you got to get out safely. You were so happy when you were out and about as Padfoot when you took me to the train, I worried about you being stuck inside.”

“I’m feeling a lot better these days, this project for you helped distract me. Sometimes, it’s projects that can help quite a bit,” Sirius states. “Distractions can be great.”

He knows it’s not fair to bring up whatever was bothering Harry right now, but he needs to be sure that his kid is actually doing okay. Whatever happened had shaken him, and he just wants to make it better.

“Until you bring it back up again,” Harry states, giving him a look. He lets go of Sirius and sits back on the bed. “Thank you for this –”

“You’re welcome,” Sirius grins, pleased.

“– and I suppose that you want me to talk about what’s wrong?” Harry sighs, as he finishes as if Sirius hadn’t interrupted.

Sirius moves to sit on the little couch by the wall across from him, “Well, I want you to do whatever you want to do that will make you happy. If that’s confiding in me – well, then, I’ll be happy, but as always, I won’t force you to share with me. I’ll just tell you that I love you and I’m here for you whenever you want to talk.”

Harry bites his bottom lip, clearly uncertain about whatever’s bothering him, but after a quiet few minutes in which he looks around at all of the things Sirius had included for him, including some books on defense and other things. The pictures, the items, and the mirror now his sitting beside him clearly helps.

Finally, he says, “I’m worried about the fact that I can see into his mind – it’s not just his moods anymore. I dreamt about him before, but it has gotten so strong and – and I felt like I was the snake that bit Mr. Weasley. I thought – what if I could get possessed or something? What if he’s looking through my eyes right now and – I – I can’t be the reason someone else gets hurt.”

“Harry, kid, that’s not possible. Yes, you’re seeing in his mind, but he can’t possess you, and it’s incredibly hard to purposely look into your mind from that far away, even in person, it would be incredibly difficult. It’s easier when you’re sleeping, and your defenses are down. Even if he were to attempt to possess you, you wouldn’t remember it. Possession generally leaves you to lose hours of your life – just like the imperious curse does. You’re uncertain, you can’t remember… there’s many ways that it’s obvious.”

Harry pauses. “So… if I – I remember everything than I’m not… I wasn’t…”

“It’s not your fault, Kid,” Sirius assures him. “Whatever happened no one blames you and you shouldn’t blame yourself.”

“But I – I heard them and the looks that they gave me afterwards, it’s just…” Harry looks utterly terrified at the idea of possibly being the reason someone gets hurt.

“It’s not you, Kid. We all know that. He did it, he was possessing the snake, not you,” Sirius assures him.

Harry sighs, clearly he’d been worried about it because of the stupid Order members. Sirius will have to make sure those members get a talking to about the situation. “I’ve been afraid to sleep just in case it happens again…”

“You shouldn’t be, Harry. Like I said – we did think your scar pain would happen more now, and you’re seeing more, but that doesn’t mean that he can or would possess you. It is a bit of a concern, but not for that reason. Actually, I think I have a few ideas on how to help you, not sure it will because your scar is special, but I can try.”

“Thanks, Pads.” Harry yawns, clearly tired.

“Okay, Kid, why don’t we get your something to eat and then you can get some actual rest?” Sirius suggests.

“What if it happens again?”

“Well, I can stay with you, if you’d like? As Padfoot. Protecting you from the nightmares?”

“Would you?” Harry questions, eyes hopeful but uncertain. “It’s not too much to ask?”

Sirius smiles, “Of course not, you’re my kid, I’d do anything for you.”

“Thanks, Pads. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

***

When they next awoke, Sirius could tell that Harry was feeling much better. “A good rest then, Kid?”

Harry nods. “I felt safer with you here – this bed is pretty special, too.”

Sirius grins, “Comfiest one we could find. Only the best for my kid. I’d do anything for you.”

Harry smiles, “Your kid.”

“That’s right, kid,” Sirius smiles. “You’re my kid, and I’d give you the world if I could.”

“Would you – maybe –” Harry stutters, shakes his head and stops.

“Come on, Kid. You can ask me anything – you know that,” Sirius assures him.

Harry looks uncertain, but nods after a few minutes. “Would you sleep here – like this? I just felt safer with Padfoot here… but it’s not fair to –”

“Harry, kid, stop.” Sirius smiles at him, “I want to help you in any way I can – I spend a lot of time as Padfoot, if you want me to curl up as Padfoot while you sleep, I’d gladly do it. Anything to help you.”

Harry’s eyes widen, “You really mean that?”

“Of course,” Sirius repeats. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“I don’t know – it just, can’t be comfortable.”

Sirius laughs, “I spent most of last year in a cave – sleeping as Padfoot, I spent most of the year before in the forest – sleeping as Padfoot, I spent years Azkaban – sleeping as Padfoot, and this year? I still spend most of my time sleeping as Padfoot. I do somewhat better now that I have a real bed, but I certainly don’t mind sleeping as Padfoot.” He smiles. “Especially if it helps my favorite kid.”

“I’m your only kid,” Harry laughs.

“You don’t know that, maybe I have other kids hiding somewhere,” Sirius jokes, when Harry suddenly looks uncertain. “I’m just kidding – I haven’t had sex with a woman –”

“Gross – I don’t need to know about that.”

Sirius laughs and continues as if Harry hadn’t interrupted. “– so I can’t have more kids out there. You’re my one and only kid, but you’re still my favorite, I promise.”

Harry smiles, “Thanks, Pads. I appreciate you.”

“I love you, Kid.”

“I love you, too.”

***

Sirius can’t help smiling as he leans in the doorway of Harry’s new room. He’s showing it off to his friends. Ron had been put out that Harry had his own room, but ultimately, Harry managed to point out that he's never had his own room before – the room he uses at the Dursleys is Dudley’s second bedroom. That and Sirius had worked so hard on it that Harry wasn’t going to let it go to waste.

Sirius is just happy that Harry seems happy with it.

“The twins did apologize in case you’re wondering,” Remus says from behind him. “I assume that’s why you’re watching them.”

“That’s not it at all. Although I’m happy to hear it,” Sirius states, genuinely. “I just wanted to see him be happy. This is the first time that he has his own room to show off – it’s just nice to see how excited he is.”

Remus smiles, too. “And you’re proud that all of that work over the last few weeks that you did.”

“I can’t be proud of my hard work?” Sirius teases. He knows that Remus is just kidding. Things had been getting better between them and it feels natural to joke around again.

“I think it’s good that you’re proud. I think having such a project on your hands helped you, too.”

“Hmm-mm, I think it’s less pride of what I’ve accomplished and prouder of the fact that I could finally given him some sense of the home that I should’ve given him all that time or at least since the end of his third year.” Sirius looks down, feeling guilty that he hadn’t given Harry the home he should have given him all along. He couldn’t help feeling that James and Lily would be disappointed in him. “He just deserves a home – even if this place sucks.”

“You know that it’s not your fault, right?” Remus asks, prompting Sirius to look at him. “You know that we had no way of knowing that Pettigrew would do what he did (or when he did) or that he would escape that night when you had to go on the run.”

Sirius shakes his head looking down at his engagement locket that hangs around his neck that Dobby was able to find as it had returned to his flat when he was thrown in Azkaban. “Pettigrew was a rat, literally. I should’ve known – I should’ve been there that night.”

Given that this has been a frequent topic over the last few months, particularly since Sirius’ birthday, it’s no surprise that Remus seemingly drops the subject to ask, “What’s that?”

“It’s – it’s a locket.”

“Yeah, that much I gathered – I know what a locket looks like,” Remus teases.

Sirius moves back slightly so he’s out of the room and the kids won’t be able to hear him. “It’s my engagement locket that James gave me – Dobby found it at my flat.”

Remus frowns, “Engagement locket?”

“Yeah – er – James knew that he couldn’t propose to me properly because no one knew that we were willfully sharing him. So, he bought this locket and engraved it – planned a whole special night that was ruined by the Order’s surprise engagement party for James and Lily. I was jealous and spent the next week avoiding being at home – went to my flat. Until they tricked me back home – Lily and I talked – and James proposed the next morning with this.”

He lifts the locket, which Remus takes a closer look at it. The engravement reads: James and Sirius Potter, 1976 to Forever.

“See the engraving? He wanted me to know that I’m a Potter even if we had to wait until we could come out after the war… only it ended in devastation.”

He sighs, “And that’s why it absolutely is my fault. I should’ve been there! I never should’ve gone on the mission that week or decided to stop by the rat’s place because something felt off – I should’ve never left or gone straight home.”

“You couldn’t have known it would be that night – we wouldn’t have any idea,” Remus insists.

“I should’ve been there.”

“It’s not your fault, Sirius. It was just meant to be – they were meant to leave us, and you were meant to be here to eventually be here for your kid,” Remus counters. Then nods at the kids in the room, including Harry, who’s looking at him in confusion. “And believe me – Harry would rather you be here.”

Sirius nods, and waves at Harry to show that everything’s okay. “I know – he told me not to blame myself when we talked the night that I gave him the mirror. I just…”

“It’s hard to get over it,” Remus finishes. “I just want you to know – it’s not your fault.”

“I know – I just go through phases – especially being here, reminded of my worst memories even without the dementors,” Sirius states. “But it is the holidays, and I could put my guilt aside to make sure that he finally has a good holiday.”

“I’m sure he appreciates it.”

“Good, I’m glad.”

#Sirius Black #Harry James Potter #Sirius & Harry bonding #Sirius raises Harry #Remus Lupin #Weasley Kids #Prongsfoot mentioned #Mirror Talks #Au 5th year #Sirius & Harry #Sirius and Harry Saturday

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