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idleglowingpixels · 7 months

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I kinda realised that Mr Komos' song, True Monster Heart follows the same beat as the Monster High Fright song, but the lyrics are like the corrupted version of the original.

Monster High Fright is about accepting

True Monster Heart is about rejecting

Kinda interesting when you think about it

AHHHHHH WHEN I SAW I GOT AN ASK RELATED TO THIS I FREAKED OUT DFGHNBGVFDSF TY FOR GIVING ME SOMETHING TO RAMBLE SOME MORE ABOUT ANON FOR REAL! (Also sorry for the late response, this post has been developing in my drafts for like at least a week now dfgfhng)

I absolutely agree with the conflicting messages between the two songs! I know the song focuses on the story of this universe's Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in the main verses, but the main focus of the song is that message of rejection of anything and everything human.

Also, because of the Jekyll/Hyde bits, it could represent the duality of where the story starts and ends in its interpretation of a "true monster heart." Instead of Mr. Hyde's human-ness making his heart "untrue," it was his utter rejection of & research into ridding himself of his Jekyll, as well as his hiding of the truth in the first place that caused him to be found out and exiled.

His heart being "untrue" had nothing to do with the fact he was half-human, because if it were, then Clawdeen and Komos's presence in and of itself within the school would've triggered its self-destruction. That was proven as a false interpretation by the story in the movie, so it's self-explanatory. A true monster heart is one of self-acceptance, despite one's flaws or differences. That's what Mr. Hyde, and Mr. Komos thereafter, had neglected to realize before Clawdeen proved the point.

Though, I've listened to both True Monster Heart and Fright Song a few times back-to-back, to try and get where you're thinking as far as the beat, but I don't hear it unfortunately (unless you meant the tempo of the song, then yes they do follow the same 120 beats per minute!).

The closest thing I can think of as far as melodic parallels between the songs is the chanting sections. The Fright Song chant is much quicker in the way it's sung compared to the chant in True Monster Heart, however. The whole of Fright Song's chant goes in 16 beats/4 measures, whereas True Monster Heart's chant takes twice as long at 32 beats/8 measures (I was a band/choir kid lol). It's mainly due to how the song kinda drags out the point, and it definitely feels like a nod to Fright Song for sure. Fright Song's chant is only there because 4/5 of the main ghouls were fearleaders, so it was sort of characterizing the cast before actually showing their characters in the webisodes.

---

Fun little headcanon/ramble that I forget if I ever mentioned about Fright Song, but with Holt Hyde being released in the 1st Signature wave with the rest of the the main ghouls and all, I think it was because he's intended to be the singer of the rap section before any subsequent content with the character was released (No offense but I don't think Holt DJs because he's a good singer sdfgbfds). This would line up with his current crush in canon with Frankie, as well as his former crush on Draculaura from either the diaries or books, maybe both? I forget. :'D Also I feel like Holt wouldn't hesitate to call Cleo vile immediately after saying she's charming either, he's very direct with his words. (I also interpret Jackson/Holt as bisexual because Deuce is included in the rap I DON'T CARE Y'ALL IT MAKES SENSE!)

Also I always interpreted the howl-like sound at the end of the rap as "Holt ran outta time/battery power for his music and transforms back to Jackson as it transitions to the rest of the song." It kinda works with how the beat kinda drops down with the howl, like a TV being shut off or something idk.

Ghoulia also debuted with Signature Wave 1 but she's only in like a second of the music video in the background, I figure it could've been budgetary reasons for the animation, to save on animating an extra character. Also I imagine flame-y hair wouldn't be very fun to animate in 2D, and Deuce's snakes moving on their own were bad enough I imagine to animate, so it begrudgingly checks out as to why Holt isn't in the animated bits with everyone else.

BUT I JUST WATCHED THE MUSIC VIDEO BECAUSE I WANTED TO FOR THE SAKE OF THIS POST AND THE GUY SINGING THE RAPPING BIT HAS, YOU GUESSED IT, A BRIGHT FRICKIN NEON RED LEATHER JACKET. He doesn't have the dual-toned shirt BUT IT'S WHITE AND THIS IS CLOSE ENOUGH FOR ME Y'ALL! XD

If any straws for these dumbasses can be found I SHALL GRASP THEM fr they're my blorbos :'D

#linposts #monster high: the movie #monster high #true monster heart #fright song #mr. komos #clawdeen wolf #g3 clawdeen #featuring a headcanon ramble for #jackson jekyll #holt hyde

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dexadin · 1 year

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Hi there! I love your guides for Curse of Strahd! 💞 If it's not too much, could you give some tips for running the abbey of St. Markovia? Or really just how you dealt with the module's ableism in general, since it's a lot to tackle and I'm not sure where to begin. Thank you! 💋

Hello! Sorry this took me a while to work on, like you said, it's a lot to tackle. Curse of Strahd suffers from being both a product of its genre and a product of the typical carelessness D&D likes to serve its marginalized fans. As much as I adore the genre, (modern) gothic horror does often rely on ableist tropes to create fear and suspense in what I'd call a misguided attempt to recreate the scenarios present in the literature that formed the basis of the genre in the early 19th century. Ableism is rife in early gothic novels, in part because of the rampant ableism of the time and in part because a lot of these works were critiques of ableism written by both disabled and abled but progressive authors. Then there's just WotC, who isn't exactly known for always making good moves in their settings. Sometimes they at least realize they fucked up, like with the Hadozee (😬), but as evident with their CoS "Revamped" edition, they thought making a meager attempt to Remove the Slurs was... more or less enough work for it. Lol.

So, here's some of my notes of what I've needed to fix up and how I did it. Abbey of St. Markovia will be at the end because... yikes. Major spoilers for CoS and CW for ableism below!

Casual Ableism A.K.A. The Real Curse Of Strahd Is Mental Illness

There are questionable story beats about mental illness from really early on. Mad Mary is the first NPC I can think of that really explicitly exemplifies this, but Stella Wachter in Vallaki and Luca Barbu in Kresk both also fit the bill of being random NPCs who got painted with the ableism brush. Treating these characters with empathy I think is the best way to fix a lot of them.

In ATSBB, I chose to keep the name "Mad Mary" as a pejorative title from the other villagers, because my game includes an amount of real-world ableism that is portrayed negatively. The party heard her cries and went to her house to find a lonely woman grieving the loss of her daughter. They spent a snall fortune at the mercantile to make her a big pot of soup she could simmer for days over her stove and helped her clean up her house a bit, before giving her hours of company over dinner. Mary was kind and appreciative and treated them terribly well. They did eventually sneak upstairs to find evidence of the circumstances of her daughter's disappearance (I just turned her into a werewolf to avoid the Yikes factor there). We see that Mary is unwell because upon seeing that her beloved daughter was cursed with Lycanthropy, she did everything (even too much) to ensure her safety, and then Gertruda still got out. Mary is more than "mad," she's heartbroken. She's devastated of grief and feels like a failed mother because she couldn't protect her baby. That amount of empathy gives her more depth and makes her portrayed as not ableist, but as a victim of vilified in-world ableism because nobody will give her the time of day.

In Stella's case, I did have a hard time. I wanted the party to have a clear reason to fight Victor (I don't know how some parties make him an ally, that guy is such a tool) and I did like the idea fleshed out in MandyMod's guide of Victor trying to leave Barovia through self-taught wizardry. Instead of changing much about Stella's cat curse, I just gave it privacy. They saw Stella very, very briefly--just enough to note the condition she was in and see that interrogating her would do very little for them, and then her siblings came in to tell them Stella needed her rest and it was time for them to go. Stella was not a spectacle to them, and it was portrayed as bizarre, but ultimately a product of Victor's abuse and Fiona's neglect to fix it. The party kicked Victor's ass and made a plan to sneak Stella out and get her to the house of a particularly nurturing NPC.

Luca Barbu was a little easier for me to fix because they tried to write him with sympathy but the module still certainly isn't nice to him, and it felt really gross a lot of the time. Luca is an adult man "with the intelligence of a 3 year old" who was "hit in the head with a rock" as an explanation for it, whose father and presumably full-time carer passed away, leaving him no support. If you didn't catch on yet, yikes. My Luca Barbu is autistic and had a farming accident that gave him a head injury that causes him to have a hard time processing information quickly, particularly numbers and the passage of time, and that can make him vulnerable to manipulation because he's a good hearted guy who has a hard time discerning if people are being genuine or not. He's very smart about farming, and good with the sheep like nobody's business, but he sometimes will forget to take care of himself when nobody's around because his dad isn't around to remind him. The townsfolk are not suspicious of him at all, and only have the chance to become so inclined if the party truly fails the encounter with Ilya. In fact, in my campaign, the situation with Anna Kreskov and the broken fence can only happen because she brings him dinner and bread every night since his fathers passing so she can make sure he eats every day. Anna's betrayal is then portrayed as desperate, not malicious, and it's a lot more tragic than it is evil.

Ez d'Avenir

Weird move of CoS to make an explicitly disabled character in a blink-and-you-miss-it passage who uses the coolest prosthetic ever and then just hide it from shame (???) They did add in a passage that changes this in the errata and in the revamped, as well as fleshing out Ez a lot more in Van Richten's Guide, so I'm giving them half a pass for this, because at least they admitted and fixed how they fucked up. That said, I think it's weird to do that with someone who is apparently the only disabled person in Barovia. This can be helped by letting Ez play a more active role in your campaign, as well as by having other disabled characters. You don't need to be ablebodied to be important to the world, so why should it be in fantasy? You don't really need a reason for a character to be disabled either, because disability doesn't happen because of a Reason in the real world. Not giving Ez the burden of being the only disabled rep in Barovia lets you have more fun with her and with other NPCs.

Finally, The Abbey of St. Markovia

The Abbey is infamous in ATSBB for me having planned out my alterations in advance and still finding places in the text I missed in which I said, "Oh, god, well, we're not doing that," and had to improv in several areas. To preface this, for my campaign, I did give my players a red/yellow/green light consent list in advance in which I included "asylum horror" as one of the potential triggers, and it was greenlit by my party, so we all went in knowing that there would be some ableist medical type horror. I explained that I wanted the vibe to feel less like Arkham Asylum and more like the way people treat asylums and old hospitals on ghost hunting TV shows--with the knowledge that something is deeply, deeply wrong here, but the fault never lies with the patients. Now, a lot of my edits are additions to MandyMod's "Fleshing Out CoS" on Reddit rather than on the official text, so if you're not familiar with it, I highly reccommend you check that out and then return here.

First off, I didn't call the people here Mongrelfolk, because... who thought that was a good idea in the first place, much less one that wss good enough not to fix in Revamped?? Anyway, I simply referred to the people residing at the Abbey as "patients" and it worked just fine. Inspired by MandyMod's guide, I wanted the Abbot to be an angel who lost his way in his desperation to help people in the absence of the Morning Lord, an angel who doesn't really understand the intricacies of sustaining life in humanoids, and treats sick and injured people with the same curiosity and naivety as a child "fixing" their broken toys by sticking together parts that only kind of fit with duct tape and glue. My abbot tried to heal the people as best he could with his limited magic, without understanding the differences between people and animals, or why a person with a broken hand might not be able to return to his every day life when that hand has been replaced with a turkey's claw. He's not trying to be evil, he just doesn't realize what he's doing isn't helping, because he's distracted by his own goal of building Vasilka. Now, I know Vasilka is sort of controversial in the CoS scene, but I think the concept is So Fucking Cool. I also think that building a little Frankenstein's monster that should be able to stop Strahd from hurting people is a suitible gothic, but ultimately noble goal for the Abbott to have. Does it justify the Abbot "borrowing" pieces from people who asked him for healing? Well, no. But it certainly makes sense for an angel desperate to escape Barovia to lose his shit a little bit and use unethical means to a supposedly moral end.

I also wanted to give agency back to the patients at the Abbey. Rather than the hallway of rooms of "laughing mongrels" and "violent mongrels," I just filled the rooms with families of patients. They were trying to start their own little civilization at the Abbey, far from their old lives, that they felt they couldn't return to for a variety of reasons. Some patients were too in shock and horrified by the results of their 'surgery' to return home alone, as the Barovian mountains are dangerous. Others had sought out the Abbot because they had already lost everything they had at home. Some people needed continuous upkeep on their replacement bits, just like Vasilka does, and don't want to stray too far from the Abbey. The Belviews and Clovin exist, but more as middlemen between the Abbott and the patients, who often understandably do not with to communicate with the Abbott. The Belviews will go hunting in the local woods and bring back stew meat for everyone at the Abbey (a plot point that makes them an easy suspect in Ilya's plotline). In short, the patients aren't 'insane,' they're disabled and/or chronically ill, and were failed by the Abbott. Again, this only works if you lean into the tragic, gothic horror tilt and lean away from the more modern "freakshow" type horror that was written in the text.

I think those are the main points I really wanted to make regarding the ableism in CoS, but if there's anything glaring I missed, please feel free to add on!!

#dexadin answers #dnd #dungeons and dragons #curse of strahd #cos #atsbb #dm tips #dungeon master #ableism in dnd #thank you for the ask!#abbey of st markovia #stella wachter #luca barbu

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okayto · 1 year

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What manga are you currently reading, or do you suggest? The author of Full Metal Alchemist has a new series called Daemons of the Shadow Realm that I got v1 of today.

She has a new series!? Oooooo, I've enjoyed two of her previous ones so I'll have to look that up, thank you!

Currently reading:

Mashle, whose basis is "what if Harry Potter, but One Punch Mob Psycho?" It's very silly and I'm enjoying it.

I Want to Be a Wall, which only has a couple volumes out so far. It's about a marriage between an aro/ace woman and a gay man, and is very sweet.

Usotoki Rhetoric, Showa era, 1926. Girl has the ability to hear lies, gets run out of town, ends up partnering with a detective. Smaller publisher (had to request library acquire), but is promising!

Just finished xxxHolic, which was disappointing! Gonna try out Tsubasa to see if it's any better, but xxxHolic was going well for a while and then just kinda collapses in the last few volumes (not much explanation, doesn't wrap up things from before).

Previously read (and did the check-out-a-dozen-volumes-at-a-time-from-the-library thing):

Silver Spoon. Also by the creator of Fullmetal Alchemist! City boy decides to go to a rural agricultural high school, hoping to find an easier way than his ultra-competitive city options to be the top of his class. It's a good plan! Except for all the farming, which he neglected to realize was a key part of the curriculum.

Barakamon. Talented pro calligrapher loses temper and punches a guy, is sent to rural island town as exile until things calm down. City boy is dragged kicking and screaming into local community. I loved this--I reviewed the anime a few years ago and it's good too, but doesn't cover the whole manga.

Monthly Girls Nozaki-kun. Humor series; stoic-looking high school boy is secretly a shoujo manga artist. Some of his classmates help. Everyone is odd. It's ongoing but I'm caught up, so when a new book is released I usually check out all the previous volumes again to reread.

Baby and Me. My secret quest to read series I starting 15+ years ago, this was one of the premier Shojo Beat titles in their magazine! (RIP monthly manga magazine, I loved you.) 10-year-old boy often takes care of his toddler brother because he dad works full time and mom recently died. Ranges between emotional and comedic and did make me cry a couple times.

Toilet-bound Hanako-kun. Girl gets entangled with a ghost, and her high school the epicenter of a lot of supernatural weirdness. Ongoing; I usually wait a while and check it out in chunks when multiple new books have been released because some stories can last for multiple volumes. I watched the anime first a couple years ago and really enjoyed it.

Sacrificial Princess and the King of Beasts. Picked up on a whim (the whim of "hey look, there's like a dozen sequential volumes sitting on the library shelf") so I wasn't expecting much, but I enjoyed it, and while it ended fine I think that even with its 15 volumes, it had room for a couple more because the focus on diplomacy between the various kingdoms and vassal states hadn't been exhausted.

#also it's been several years since I binged Skip Beat which means soon could be a great time to get all 48 current vols #had to look at Goodreads to jog my memory #I go through entire series frequently enough that I finally created a shelf specifically for series reviews #my manga-to-read list is very long because periodically I think 'wait maybe I should try reading books I own'#ask

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serenity-songbird · 1 year

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Howdy!!!

It's been quite a while.

I'm sorry for the sudden disappearance with no communication.

Truth is...I've been through a lot...For so long I have been trying to bury my past...to the point it become too much to Handle.

So...I have decided that I will tell you the story of Serenity Songbird.

It's not just for the sake of my mental health. It is also for the hope that you may read this and learn that sometimes...you have to face your fears if you want the pain to stop.

By the trigger warnings, you will most likely know the issues already.

FYI. You don't have to read. This is mainly for me to get out all my frustrations, fears, and sorrows.

Below contain triggering topics like: Rape, Attempted Suicide, Self Harm, Child Abuse & Neglect, Bullying PTSD, Anxiety, and Depression.

If any of these topics bother you. Stop reading.

This is mainly an Autobiography to lift the load of my chest and aid in my recovery.

Beware. This is going to be long...

My name is Serenity Song.

I have been described by people who me know as:

Creative

Kind

Loving

Loyal

Weird (But in a good way)

Funny

Shy/Timid

Happy-Go-lucky

Talented

And definitely a doormat..

I grew up in the suburbs. Nice neighborhood. Great neighbors and long time friends. I have 2 parents who love me and 2 brothers who, definitely could be annoying at times, but of course we loved each other in our own sibling way.

For the first 12 years..I was happy. Sure it had it's ups and downs with my parents having arguments every other day. Being punished and beat for the stupid things we all do as children.

It wasn't so bad...Except for the fact that I was constantly bullied and told how much of an ugly freak I was. So I definitely didn't have self esteem back then.

But I managed to endure it...After all...

Kids are cruel and if you are being bullied, it's your fault. So. Just. Be. Normal. "It's not a big deal."

...

*Well...there's trauma number 1.*

Because bullying is never okay. It shouldn't be normalized. And yes. It. Is. Traumatic. And it is NOT. Your. Fault.

Then, I turned 13 close to the end of my 8th year in middle school. The bullying stopped. I was so happy. Not only that but was I going to be a high schooler schooler soon! And I was to go into it with a boyfriend!

**Introducing trauma number 2.**

I was excited......But I couldn't enjoy it for long because my life went down into flames.

My very first boyfriend left me for my best friend. He broke up with me over text...on Christmas Eve...the day. Before. My. Birthday.

I found out after winter break. My friends, who were hesitant to tell me, said they were dating.

I felt so insecure and hurt that I confessed not to one but 2 of my closest friends. Not out of love, but desperation. But I didn't know that at the time.

That hurt. He not only got over me so easily, but I found out she confessed to him after we started dating and got together immediately after breaking up. Yet, because of the fact that I had very few friends to begin with, I didn't say anything. I just smiled and congratulated them. Because we are Best Friends...

Yeah right.

The first one, lasted two weeks. I just realized I didn't have feeling for him. We stayed friends, but I felt like a piece of shit.

The second one, lasted two and a half years. It was the biggest mistake I ever made.

Long story short...At 13 years old, I was raped by the boy I thought I loved. And despite the pain and fear, he manipulated me into thinking I wanted it. I didn't. But his snake-like whisper echoed in my mind...

"You are my girlfriend. That means you HAVE TO have sex with me. That's what girlfriends do. Now get dressed. My mom will be here soon."

***Trauma number 3.***

And he left without another word. And it happened again and again...to the point where I felt numb.

He didn't just abuse me sexually, but emotionally. He would constantly belittle me, ridicule me, and he separated me from my friends.

My friends tried to tell me something wasn't right with him...I didn't listen because I thought that I was in love...

How wrong I was...

And if that wasn't enough...at the exact same time, my Mami cheated on my Papi with 5 men. And he moved out to live with my Titi (aunt) until he could get his life back together.

I didn't know at the time what she did, I only found out months later. All I knew was that they got into a fight and got divorced.

******And so trauma number 4, 5, & 6 begin.******

He gave the house...and us....to my mother. Because he loved her and he didn't want to suddenly uproot the lives of his children and take them away from friends...

I wish he took us with him. I'd rather move to a whole other city than to endure the things my mother did to us...And what my boyfriend did to me.

Now...Don't get me wrong. Unlike some divorces, my Papi didn't completely abandon us. He'd visit. We'd sleep over at his temporary home every 2 weeks. We spent holidays and birthdays together still. And he didn't show any negative emotion towards my mother for our sake.

But I knew he was hurting. No matter how hard he tried to hide it.

The problem with my Mami was...she was in a deep depression. She had tried to kill herself. She would lay on her bed crying for hours while my 10 year old brother and I could hear from downstairs.

Then she started leaving us alone.

Everyday she went out to party and got drunk with friends. She would bring strange men home and we could hear them having sex. Which was gross. 🤢🤢🤢

Who the hell were these men?

It got so bad, I told my brother to lock the door everytime he was in there. Unfortunately, my lock didn't work, so I hid a knife under my bed for protection.

Then she would leave for days on end. Never came home. Which means she never went grocery shopping.

My brother and I scavenged for food...But we ran low.

I was now the caretaker of my brother. I bought his food with my birthday money. I did our laundry. I would take him outside with me to play games when my mother was...doing her business. Covered his ears. Said it was okay.

There was this one day that has haunted me for years...it still does.

One day, I went to check up on her. I didn't know what to say or do to make her feel better. How could I? I was just a kid.

"It's YOUR FAULT I am feeling like this. You're my daughter so you have to make me feel better. You're so WORTHLESS. You father is gone because you didn't stop him from leaving."

Worthless? MY fault?

Ever since then...I feel like every problem I encounter IS my fault. Even when it clearly isn't.

At the time I was afraid to tell my Papi..If I said anything Mami would go to jail. They'll take me and my younger brother away. I wished that my older brother didn't go to the army so he could help. He always know what to do. But we didn't have him at the time.

I wish I told my Papi...If I did...I wouldn't be so...messed up.

Then Mami invited a stranger into the house, but this time...he didn't leave. After 6 months of weeping and the finalized divorce papers, my Mami got engaged and married to one of the men she cheated on my Papi with...

I hated them.

I resented them.

Even know...I still can't get over this resentment for all the things that women put us through.

...

But when she married my Step-dad, things got better...

Mami was happy again. And Papi got an apartment and was in a happy relationship. (Though they didn't get married right away like my Mami did. And it took a lot more time for him to move on).

He cooked. He cleaned. He...took care of us and never layed a hand on us. He made us laugh.

At the time, I was quite the poet and singer. He'd listen to all my songs and poems. He was kind and involved himself in our lives and after school activities.

Eventually, I grew to love my Step-dad and now I have 2 Papi's and 2 Mami's. It turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

And then...my boyfriend's mother found out about what me and him were doing behind closed doors and told my parents.

We got in trouble. Grounded for the entire summer and not allowed to see each other. I got yelled at...I blamed myself. It was MY FAULT. I DESERVE THIS.

I told them it was consented. I defended him. Because I loved him.

My step dad marched into his house to yell at him...

That was embarrassing...Especially when he yelled, "HOW DARE YOU F*** MY DAUGHTER IN THE ***!"

I was mortified. He shouldn't have said that.

(I didn't tell them about the abuse until I was 21. I could see the regret, anger, and concern in their eyes...My mom had to hold my step-dad from hurting him...)

I was severely depressed over the summer. My mom gave me her antidepressants to help...I nearly overdosed because she didn't know that while the dosage was perfect for her, it was too much for me. My step-dad was pissed when he found out. She didn't give them to me anymore.

After the summer break, we saw each other again...And we were still together... But he was different...Crueler...Meaner.

Yet...I stayed. Because I loved him.

I was now constantly anxious that I did something wrong. I started to cut my arms. I tried to kill myself with a scarf only to fail.

"I've changed."

His abuse got worse and worse until I couldn't take it anymore. We broke up.

Then got back together a week later after he manipulated me.

He didn't.

I didn't last long. I officially broke up with my abusive boyfriend forever.

I was finally free.

I should be happy...

"Why am I not happy?"

In order to be happy. I had to forget. I'm not suffering anymore.

Just. Forget. About. It.

So I dug down to the deepest, darkest place in my head.

I covered it.

I chained it.

I locked it up and threw away the key.

As the years went by I suffered more bad luck.

From one toxic relationship to the other.

*I lost count of the trauma I endured.*

I was desperate for love. I wanted to feel like my body was mine and nobody else's. So I had to prove it by doing, what I convinced myself, I wanted.

More painful memories were added to the pile...

But soon...there was no more room.

And the past started to leak out.

I woke up, sweating and choking on air. Trying to control my breathing, but my chest felt like it was constricted.

Memories I tried to forget flashed into my mind.

I started to see things...hear things. But nothing was there.

There were moments where I was no longer in my house, but back in my childhood home relieving my worst nightmares.

Than one day...I snapped.

Just 2 months ago, I nearly drove my car off a bridge.

That's when I knew I needed help...Not just for my sake, but my husband's.

I didn't even realize what I was doing until my car hit the curb making the car jump. I snapped out of it and swerved.

I rushed home and I cover the entire top half of my arms with razor scratches and watched the blood drip down into the sink.

I just can't live like this anymore...

Then my husband saw my arms and he cried for me and held me close.

Truthfully, if it wasn't for him...I would have done it. I would not be here now if it wasn't for his support and love for the past 3 and a half years we've been together.

I was admitted into the hospital with constant supervision.

I was diagnosed with PTSD...

Not only that but my body suffers from illness as well. From my brain, to my heart, lungs, liver, immune system, and GI system. All due to weight gain and unhealthy lifestyle from my eating disorder.

It sucks...It really really sucks. I am so fortunate to be blessed with a loving and supportive family as well as an understanding boss and coworkers. Not a lot of people can say that.

I'm still recovering, but I've started seeing Doctors for all my issues. I see my therapist and psychiatrist regularly. The meds help a lot as well.

I'm recovering slowly. But I know it's going to take a long time before I can say that I'm healed. Could be years for all I know. But I'm so tired of feeling like this. I'm trying to help myself.

Thank you all for the messages to check up on me and your kind words of encouragement. I am thankful to have understanding and caring followers. I love each and everyone of you.

If y'all ever need an ear to listen to listen and a shoulder to cry on. You can always shoot me a message.

I'm here for you.

And thank you for reading.

~Here's your daily dose of love~

😘😘😘

#triggering themes

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fbmajor · 10 months

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Maybe you should take a break?

Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever posted anything related to these characters on here before? May need to go grab some of the older stuff for context. Either way, this is certainly a way to revive this dusty blog. You can thank every social media platform going through a wood chipper recently for that, I suppose.

These are two characters from a very long-standing DnD campaign. The one on the right is my own character, Verity Lapida Solaria, and the one on the left is @midnightwind's Nikolai Zepar. Assuming she sees this and deems it worthy of a reblog, I suppose her followers will now finally be able to see Nik's girlfriend in all of her glory, at least however much glory she can have while standing around in her pajamas.

This particular work features Nik copying spells into his ritual book from a recently acquired spell book. You probably couldn't tell that because I neglected to put anything inside either the book or the sheet of paper he was working on, probably because I would have made it glowy and wanted to do it after I had gone through and done the lighting and shading stuff, but I couldn't really bring myself to do anymore by the time I had done so.

The lighting and shading was particularly fun and insanity-inducing to do. I also ended up getting through it all without realizing my monitor was on its night mode setting the entire time, which minimized brightness. So uh, it'll probably be a bit weird for anyone viewing this on normal monitor settings. Oopsie.

Lighting is always a fun headache when it comes to Verity, because depending on what she's doing and how she's feeling, her hair can be a small light source (as it is in this image), or her entire body can just ignore the ambient lighting and appear as though it were the middle of the day, without actually giving off any light to affect objects around her. As you can imagine, these were qualities that I thought of while writing for her, not drawing her. Both are long stories that shall be saved for another time.

I won't claim to be particularly good at the whole light and shadows thing, but there's just something about pictures that depict a mostly dark scene with just a few small sources of light standing out that really appeals to me. It's a great vibe.

Anyway, back to the subject of the image itself, copying spells in DnD takes a very long time, something like one hour per spell-level. I like to think the process involves a lot of frustration as you have to get every little detail right and it's easy to mess up and have to start over. Nik spent a whole day copying spells over, so I imagine Verity coming back from whatever activities she got up to see Nik still working on this despite it being night time at this point. Nik is being a big grump (as usual), so Verity suggests taking a break.

This isn't an interaction that happened in-session, so there are a myriad ways the exchange might go down. Many of the ones I thought of involved Verity snuffing the candle by holding her breath (another long story), only for Nik to dryly point out that she'll have to breathe eventually, or that he can see in the dark, or that Verity herself gives off enough light for him to continue working, etc. etc. Another funny idea I had was a full on comic that I was never going to draw of Verity snuffing the candle, a panel of Nik's slightly glowy eyes turning to look at and squint at her, maybe a beat panel, and then the final panel of the light turning back on to Nik making out with her on the bed in the background that I didn't want to draw.

All of these options amuse me equally, so I decided to leave the image without any specific dialogue to serve as a fun little ignition for my own imagination.

As one final aside, I can't help but notice that the pictures I draw from this campaign rarely depict any moments of great importance. There's a few scenes that were great emotional moments, but most of the time I find myself gravitating towards drawing scenes like this that just show these two characters interacting in relatively mundane ways.

As you can see, I can't help but include a long rant about my creative process whenever posting my work to this site specifically. I'll cut this one here, but I'll go through my old stuff and (re)post it here with proper tags and talk more about Verity and Nik throughout that whole process. Feel free to look out for those posts if you care to know more.

#my art #Verity #Nikolai #DnD #my ocs #spell hell #take a break

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cotton-candy-in-a-thong · 3 years

Text

Noncon stories, Fantasy vs. Reality, and more. fucking. issues.

Recently, I’ve been hit with some drama as to why I’m a “bad person” by various, anonymous users in this fandom. I thought I’d try to address the claim, address my stance on fics that involve noncon, and what I think about the “Tumblr mentality” after everything I’ve seen of this place. I should also note that I’m going to use the specific words and phrases I’ve been forced to constantly repeat as explaining my stance has been very difficult for me, as I’m a person who’s apparently challenging to understand.

This is going to be a long post, with subjects that's obviously going to trigger people so here's a warning right now..

That being said, I’m going to dive into this with some shit I’ve definitely said before:

“Consensual Noncon” Kink

The Appeal of this Theme in Fanfiction:

I don't think calling fics that involve noncon "rape fics" and those who enjoy it "getting off to rape" is a very good way to put it. Many engaging and well done media pieces often involve some very dark themes. Again, Monster by Meg and Dia is a song that features the main character sexually abusing a girl he met. You COULD call this a "rape song", but acting as if the rape is the only thing that matters in this story would be pretty..naive. The story has to do with an emotionally, and physically neglected/abused boy, who grows up and becomes an attention/love starved monster who's SO starving for validation, that he believes forcing himself upon a girl he knew would "prove" to himself that he's capable of being touched and loved. Of course, the main character eventually realizes that rape is not love, that what he did was wrong, and later kills himself in his own bathtub with kerosene and a match.

However, the assault aspect of this song is still a meaningful and alluring part because it talks about how emotional and physical abuse can warp someone's perspective on reality, to the point where they think forcing someone to "stay" with them is how to create a healthy relationship. That's the same energy I have for noncon fics, especially in the slasher fandom. Many slasher fics that contain noncon often have to do with the slasher preying on the reader because of their own fucked up mind. It's intriguing because, let's be honest, pretty much none of the slashers are in a pretty good mental space lmao. Thus, noncon actually falls more in line with how slashers would go about what they believe is a "good relationship" more often than quite a bit of fans here seem to believe. Again, Michael got boners, Jason chained someone up, Fredddy smooches people against their will, Billy Lenz is a sex offender, Chromeskull makes snuff, yada yada yada, you know the drill. That being said, it's interesting to see noncon being expressed with these characters because it gives us a new perspective on how fucked up they'd likely be if the world of sex and relationships was introduced to these characters.

Now why would some people become sexually aroused by the events of the story? First of all, how does “Consensual Noncon” kink work?

u/Jumbledcode. (2015). ‘Can anyone comment on why people (someone like me) enjoy rape/non-con story lines?’. r/TwoXChromosomes.

“I'd suggest that there are several factors that make up the appeal of non-con fantasies.

Guilt/Self-image: For many people, their sexual/relationship desires don't necessarily match their image of themselves, or alternatively they feel guilt over others' perceptions of those desires. Rape fantasies allow them to mantain some illusion of denial over their desires while still indulging in the idea of them.

Responsibility/Laziness: The appeal of abdicating control isn't limited to avoiding guilt; it's very tempting to want a scenario where you have no responsibility for maintaining your lifestyle/happiness. Similarly to before, it's the appeal of being given what you secretly want without even having to choose it.

Transgressiveness: A rape scenario has overtones of danger and taboo-breaking. These can easily be exciting and can therefore be a turn-on.

Desire: Being wanted is often a huge turn-on, and the idea of someone desiring you enough to break laws and disregard everything to have you plays into this feeling.

To me, it seems that most people who fantasize about being the subject of rape do so due to some mix of these motivations I've mentioned. Of course, there are also those who have experiences which have taught them to associate non-consent with their sexuality, but that's a separate issue”.

What if the Fanfic Only Involves the Act though? Wouldn’t it Encourage Actual Rape?

Let’s differentiate fantasy and reality. Towards those with the noncon kink: it offers arousal because of the ideas listed above (the idea of the reader not having to make any moves and the character doing the “intimate work” FOR them, the excitement of such a taboo sexual encounter, and the feeling to be desired through an altered, brutish encounter). Rape is the use of sex to remove control over the victim’s mind and body. The readers DO have control over whether or not they get to “encounter” (the choice to even read) this fantasy, so right away consent is present in reality, and no actual rape is being done.

Now does this mean that the kinkers are getting off on the idea of rape? Not really.

The thing with self-inserts is that it allows you to be connected to the story. That way, even if the story has you bruised up and begging for mercy, a part of you-you (if you’re a kinker) wants to keep reading it as you find it exciting. That way, as you and story-you are connected, what you really want in such a fantasy is for it to keep going despite the brutish, possessive, however yet desired nature of the character you’re dreaming about dealing with. (repeat: the idea of the reader not having to make any moves and the character doing the “intimate work” FOR them, the excitement of such a taboo sexual encounter, and the feeling to be desired through an altered, brutish encounter). That being said, it’s still entirely possible for kinkers to have their personal space and wishes crossed, and ultimately assaulted. Us enjoying the fantasy of such a reverie sexual encounter does not spell out to real life because (in reality) we’re not horny all the time, we would still like our bodies to be respected when we find it necessary, and we still have feelings as we’re still human.

“Fantasy (including video games) leads to violence” fallacy.

It would be like assuming that shooters in games like GTA fantacise about murder, encourage it, and would do it in real life. Taking fabricated anger out on virtual bodies or NPCs is quite different from the weight of murder (the killing of another human being). One can play video games with lots of violence towards such fabricated characters, while discouraging violence towards human beings. The act of using a game controller to beat up Donkey Kong in Smash, to shoot Nazi zombies in a Black Ops game, or to kill a Geisha in Little Nightmares is incredibly, and immensely different from completely eradicating the life of a person on Earth, and to assume that everyone who plays violent video games would spill out to violence in reality would be to participate in a ridiculous fallacy. Yes, there are outliers who are feeble minded enough to let their fantasies influence their actions towards actual people, but I must repeat that there are also people who utilize these fantasies for their personal satisfaction, while understanding the weight of the real world around them (and choosing not to act so detrimentally). Therefore, it wouldn’t be fair as it would be unnecessary to blatantly say that all fantasies are horrible and should be entirely eradicated if there ARE many people who ARE aware enough to understand that some thoughts are better off staying in fiction.

Now is the time to address what’s been said:

...Firstly, I think it’s very disgusting that random users, on Tumblr of all places, are trying to manipuate random victims of sexual assault into hating something or someone just because these users FEEL like “it’s the right thing to do”.. People, victims of sexual assault aren’t your fucking dogs. They’re not carriage horses, they’re not your work mules, they’re not your guns and swords...they’re just people who normally wanna be left the fuck alone like everyone else. Plus, there ARE people who have experienced sexual assault who take joy in reading such dark storylines. What would these users have to say to them? That they’re not “real” victims? That what they’ve experienced “never happened”? That they’re “just like” their own perpetrators for using the consensual nonconsent to miraculously help them overcome their trauma? Should they really abandon their coping mechanism just because there are other victims who cope in different ways?

..If you seriously believe that all people who have gone through a traumatic event are gonna cope in the exact same fucking way, you literally don’t even know enough about PTSD to even be making a bold statement about cope.

This is the part where I finally realized that people, and especially those on Tumblr, don’t actually care about rape victims as much as they may claim. Many users on here, on this platform and in this fandom, don’t truly give a flying monkey shit about rape victims as people, nor what they have to say about the subject. Rape victims..on this place..seem to be used mainly as a means of figurative weaponry for a group’s subjective morality.

I find the similarity close to radical feminism. Radical feminists often believe that women, from near and far, have to do everything in their power to “destroy” the patriarchy. This would mean disobeying the societal expectation of women, even if there are some women who take joyment in engaging in some societal standards for their personal liking. An example would be sex work. Radical feminists acknowledge the flaws in performing sex work, but believe that NO woman should EVER partake even if the woman wants to do it out of her own free will. In demonizing and ostracizing any woman who doesn’t fall into the radical feminist agenda, radical feminists actually contradict their purpose to “let women be free”. At this point, you realize that radical feminists often don’t actually give a fuck about what any woman wants for herself. Instead, radical feminists want to utilize any woman they can find just to flip off men as a group.

In Tumblr users trying to “stand up” for rape victims for their personal “holier-than-thou” ego, they fail to care enough about the very people they defend to understand the dynamics of some of their coping mechanisms, thus begin to bully some members of the group they claim to protect because of the very narcissism, misunderstanding, and controlling nature going on behind their own “activism”. So now that some users have found something to hate, in this case being noncon stories, they attempt to manipulate victims of rape into ostraciszing and demonizing fantasies and other victims of rape just because the “activists” themsleves don’t like it. Even trying to argue that rape victims have a “duty” to agree with everything these “activists” try to do for them.

Sounds awfully familiar to the attitude democrats have towards any minority when it’s time to vote. “I care about you...but you have to agree with everything I say and believe because I want what I think is best for you. If you disagree with me, you’re ungrateful and a traitor”.

Now...a little about myself.

I’m not sure of everyone else who’s into the noncon type of story, but I use it to get away from my past. In noncon stories, I want to read what happens in the chapters. I want to imagine them for morbid curiosity and arousal I feel at the time being. In reality, my attackers didn’t care when I wasn’t in the mood, and never gave me a choice. In noncon stories, I get to choose the character I want to encounter in the fantasy and NOT have it picked FOR me. In real life, I didn’t get to choose who did some things to me. In noncon stories, I get to stop reading them and do something else whenever I’m not feeling it anymore. In reality? My attackers kept going because, in the situation, it was no longer up to me. After noncon stories, my body doesn’t walk away with bruises, bite marks, and physical reminders every time I take my clothes off or try to masturbate. In real life...that shit can mark you, disease you, and then traumatize you. With the stories, I get to delete my search history, join another fandom, and act like nothing ever happened. For reality? Your own body is a reminder of what happened because it was real. In reality, I’m NEVER gonna fucking forget what happened. I’ll be lucky if my own mind and body doesn’t haunt me for at least one day..

So seeing that someone, and probably multiple people not only tried to use victims of sexual assault for their own “go get em” dogs, but to try and phrase me as someone who loves and encourages such an assault on human beings? After the things I felt? After the things I tasted? After pathetically searching for the support of relatives, just to get shut down with “you’re lying”?..

...All the times I've been held down..threatened..clothes getting snagged off..parts being opened and touched after I've fought to just get the fuck away from certain people...

According to this anon..."she likes rape".

...I guess I just fucking LOVED EVERYTHING THEN.

You know...all my life I’ve been misunderstood by many people. It’s honestly really disappointing that even now when I’m better at explaining myself than ever, I’m STILL being phrased as a “psychopath” by random people who haven’t even taken the time to even know me. Not even from a minute-long conversation through a damn computer screen. And you wanna know the funny thing? I’m probably being laughed at as this is being read. Some of these users, these internet stalkers, are probably giggling, smiling, and saying “Haha YES we GOT the bitch!! Cry you piece of shit SLUT!!”. So maybe explaining my past experiences to help everyone understand why some people may use noncon stories to their fantasy advantage is gonna land me messages going: “You haven’t been raped you lying bitch”, “Maybe you should get raped again”, “You definitely enjoyed it”, and the overused, yet strong “Kill yourself”.

So how am I gonna end this message? With me saying that many of you, who THINK you’re doing the right thing by justifying harassment and trying to manipulate others into joining your little crusade to bully people away from the fandom (over extremely mundane fucking things)...aren’t really good people. At best, in this case...you’re fucking stupid. You will never truly speak for any of the marginalized groups you claim to know like the back of your hand. Simply, you will never. be. a hero.

If by chance, by an astrological chance..that any random user wants to come up and apologize out of the blue for talking such shit and for saying such things..I don't even wanna hear it...just get the fuck out of my face..

#slashers #slasher fandom #tw noncon #consensual noncon #fandom drama #long post #past experiences #anon ask

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hamliet · 3 years

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Hi! I read you like Emerald and Mercury in RWBY! Could you share some thoughts on them and why they are among your faves? Thank you!

I adore Emerald and Mercury. They are my favorites, my top two. It was hearing @aspoonofsugar describe their backgrounds that got me interested in the story, and when she told me their names and I made the alchemy connection, well, that's how I got into RWBY.

I wrote a bit about their allusion to the Emerald Tablet here. I know people popularly assume Emerald references Aladdin, but I really do not think she does. I think she is Thoth to Mercury's Hermes. Plus, apparently the creators confirmed there was another Aladdin character, so again, I think this is a misinterpretation.

Both Emerald and Mercury are clearly scared kids who are destined for redemption, and I think the chances of them dying in said redemption are nil. Like, you can never say for sure because terrible writing can swing in, but RWBY has never been trigger happy to kill its characters--every death thus far of a significant, complex, multi-volume arc'ed character has been fitting, beautiful, and satisfying. So, Emerald and Mercury will be fine.

At the start of the story, Emerald and Mercury are the mentees and subordinates of Cinder; by the end, I think they will be the two characters who end up teaching Cinder what's important in life (even if Ruby's silver eyes will probably "save" her from her Grimm [pun intended] fate).

I'll talk Mercury mostly in this meta, since I think he's somewhat neglected in the fandom and is actually the canon version of fanon!Cinder (woobified Cinder). Not only is his backstory utterly heartbreaking from the few sentences we have, there's subtext no one seems to consider when discussing him and I've been dyyyying for the chance to talk about it.

Mercury's whole shtick is that he's "never enough." His father held that over his head, telling him he had to train to be better, to be good enough to unlock his semblance, to get his semblance back, etc. But the point was that Mercury could never be good enough. There was an unattainable standard. Marcus Black was only taking out his own insecurities on a helpless child, trying to make himself stronger by taking the soul his son had. If that's not the clearest, most blatant metaphor for abuse and what it does to a child, I don't even know what is.

Mercury is socially awkward, struggles to communicate with people, doesn't mince words, and is just focused on what he needs to do. He can only really connect to Emerald, and I think that's significant not just in terms of foreshadowing the pivotal nature of their relationship, but in terms of analyzing his character. He's traumatized. The one person who was supposed to love and care for him no matter what, protect him, exploited him, took his very soul from him, beat and abused him, forced him to kill for him, and was eventually killed by him.

That's Mercury's perception of family. When people discuss Mercury's conversation with Emerald about family, they often neglect to consider this. That's all he knows insofar as family is, and he keeps people at arm's length because the only person he allowed in betrayed him in the most horrific of ways.

However? He does allow Emerald in. Their farewell in Volume 8 was bittersweet, and he routinely displays care for her, from killing someone for her in Volume 2 to begging Emerald to leave with them in Volume 5 to threatening Tyrian to back off in Volume 6.

His telling Emerald the truth about how Cinder doesn't care for them is in a sense Mercury expressing what he wishes he'd realized earlier about his father, and he's trying to save Emerald from his own pain. However, Mercury doesn't realize he's literally repeating the same cycle: he's gone from his father, to Cinder, to Salem, who will also use and abuse and lose him. Salem might offer him the power to protect himself, but we know she won't follow through.

To reinforce the idea that Mercury is just under a new version of his abuser, Mercury is sent to Vacuo under Tyrian's supervision. Tyrian is--not just unhinged, but there's some disturbing subtext and imagery insofar as how Tyrian interacts with Mercury. It's creepy. However, this is also an opportunity to challenge Mercury: he doesn't like Tyrian, and while I think it's obvious he'll spiral at first under his supervision, he might get a much-needed wake-up call from Tyrian as well. This has already kind of started through Tyrian pointing out that neither Emerald nor Mercury want to be where they are.

So why is Mercury more devoted to "where they are" than Emerald? Mercury is vulnerable because his father raised him to think his physical strength, his ability to kill, was all he was worth, and even then he wasn't good enough. Cinder takes him on because she needs an assassin. Mercury even says this is the reason he joined them:

It made sense. All my life my father trained me to be an assassin... and the moment after I killed him, you two showed up looking for someone with those exact skills. Just felt like it was meant to be.

Mercury sees himself through his father's eyes. He doesn't consider that he could be anyone else. He believes what his father told him:

“This is a crutch!” “This makes you weak!” He told me I could have it back when I was strong. So I got strong, but I never got it back! I’ve had to work harder than anyone to get where I am.

The thing is, Mercury defines himself by his perceived weakness. He defines himself by his missing legs, his missing semblances, and utilizes those pains to bring pains to others (such as the festival with Yang, which them leads to like, the entire world plunging into war). It's only through addressing those original sins that Mercury can heal, and if the symbolism holds up, the world likely depends on Mercury realizing he has worth.

As for specifics of their arc, I still think this theory is the most compelling. It would challenge Mercury in so many aspects: Emerald, the one person he feels safe enough to care for, would be in danger; yet she would also have powers that would bring up his insecurity issues. It would also challenge him insofar as what he wants: does he want to be with Emerald, to connect to others, or does he want to be with someone who controls him through fear and wants to exploit him for her own power, just like his father?

But I believe no matter how it goes, Mercury and Emerald will be able to call Cinder out. They'll be able to tell her exactly what she's been: that she's far less like Rhodes, and much more like her abuser. That she took an exploited child and a starving child and used them for what they could clean up for her. That she never once gave them the affection they craved, and when she saw her own failings, she took it out on them. In turn, however, Cinder will realize that she can become like Emerald and Mercury: she too can change and help save the world. Instead of perpetuating the abuse she suffered and then inflicted on others, she can find her worth and heal (again, probably where Ruby's silver eyes will save her from her Grimm arm). And once she has worth, she will stop the cycle.

#ask hamliet #rwby meta #mercury black #emercury #emerald sustrai #cinder fall #rwby #rwby theory #abuse tw

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dracothedeatheatingcupcake-ao3 · 3 years

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Okay, so, I've been reading your TPWP fic for a while, and I rlly like it! But something has been bothering me

In one of your ending notes, you said that Mondo kinda knew Taka had a crush on him, and they already started the sexual stuff at that point

So, wouldn't that make it kind of manipulative? Because from basic logic, the more they do the sexual stuff, the more Taka will fall in love with him and want to be with Mondo, but Mondo didn't show any clear signs of it being mutual for Taka to see, which would only hurt Taka more... I might be exhagerating but that doesn't sound really healthy :/

Also, Mondo never really apologized for his behaviour, not a proper apology at least, one that Taka really deserved.

I still enjoy your fic a lot, don't get me wrong! But some of Mondo's actions and portrayels seem a bit off and not very healthy in a relationship, platonic or romantic...

(please don't get mad sorry :') have a good day!)

Hey! Thanks for the ask!! And don’t worry, I don’t mind answering questions, especially if it’s bothering you with the story! I completely understand what you mean, so let me try and explain it the best I can.

Just a warning, in order to discuss your problem, I had to go over some other things too, and it’s a bit long and rambling since I wasn’t entirely sure how to explain it all. Just letting you know. :-)

(Explanation under a read more to prevent spoilers for people who don’t want them. It also gets pretty long, since... duh, it's me, ha.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyway. I’m going to first answer your not-quite-a question about if their relationship is healthy or not, since I think that’s a better to place to start than Mondo’s supposed manipulation. And as for if it is healthy or not, I will say that… no. No, it is not. Nothing about Taka and Mondo’s relationship is healthy, and I did that on purpose. But it’s not in the way I think y’all might be thinking.

See, Taka and Mondo are too codependent. They rely on one another a lot; constantly around the other, clinging to them and taking comfort from them, etc. And that’s not necessarily bad, right? It’s good to take strength from a partner or friend, and it’s good to lend your strength to them in return.

The problem that arises with Mondo and Taka is that they don’t ever talk about it. About their relationship or their anxiety/insecurity. They cling to the other, taking and giving strength, but they never try and work out what’s wrong. I’ve had Taka try many coping mechanisms in this story, right? Push it all down, allow himself to feel everything he’s feeling, live moment to moment, etc. etc. But I’m sure y’all noticed how none of them worked long term. And that was done by design.

See… Taka is going through a lot, you know? He’s dealing with his grief for his mother, he’s trying to come to terms with the abuse he dealt at the hands of his classmates (and it was abuse, okay? Bullying is abuse), not to mention his crippling loneliness and anxiety and the neglect from his father. But he never fully acknowledges any it. He pushes it all down, shoves it aside, and never looks at it. When he realized he was in love with Mondo, he did the exact same thing. Conceal, don’t feel, and all that jazz.

But, guys… that’s unhealthy. And it led Taka to cling to Mondo, to make him an emotional crutch, without ever questioning why he feels how he feels. And without talking to Mondo about it. This is unhealthy and no matter how well Taka seems to be doing, the only thing that will help him (and Mondo, since he has a similar problem)? Is to talk to Mondo about it. To acknowledge his problems, acknowledge his love, and confront it head on. Until he does that, he will always be miserable and he will be dependent on Mondo to make him feel even slightly okay, which is unfair to both of them.

Basically…they rely on one another too much and it’s bad for their relationship, either platonic or romantic. It’s unhealthy no matter what way you look at it. Again, it’s not bad to lean on a partner or a friend, but you need open communication to be able to do that without putting unnecessary strain on both yourself and your partner. However, this is something that can be fixed, so just because it’s unhealthy doesn’t mean their relationship is bad. They just need to learn how to communicate. Which (spoiler alert)…… they eventually do, ha.

(Just a warning, this next part goes into some minor spoilers for the next chapter, as well as TPWM. Mostly about Mondo’s headspace and things like that. Just a warning.)

Now, onto the manipulative part… see, while I can understand why you’d see it that way, I don’t for one main reason. And that reason is because Mondo is going through the exact same problems Taka is, but even worse somehow, because he refuses to take any strength from Taka. He thinks he must be strong at all hours, must be able to handle everything just fine on his own, but he honestly can’t. Not only is he going through his own problems and grief, but he’s also kind of going through Taka’s, too. He’s giving a lot of himself to Taka, being the pillar that Taka needs, but he’s not really getting any feedback in return. Like…

Okay. So, I mentioned that Mondo knows Taka likes him, right? And he does. Taka is kind of obvious about his feelings and Mondo is a perceptive person. But the thing is… Mondo doesn’t actually think the feelings are real. Or, more accurately… he doesn’t think they’d be real if Taka truly knew Mondo.

I’ve been trying to write about this for ages, because I know it’s not been portrayed all that well in TPWP, but Mondo, like… straight up hates himself in this story. And I mean he hates every single aspect of himself. He hates his anger, he hates his weakness… he even hates his kindness, not because he thinks kindness is weakness, but because he doesn’t think it’s real. Like… Mondo was abused in this story, right? He was abused and neglected, and that kind of alters a person’s view of the world. Yes, he had Daiya, but Daiya wasn’t exactly perfect himself. Not to mention he is currently dead, which also really negatively affected Mondo.

I go over this in TPWM a lot, but Mondo doesn’t think himself capable of being kind and gentle. He thinks all he’s good for is being cruel and violent. He wants to helps people, but he doesn’t know how to do it properly. So, instead, he helps by beating up would be rapists or muggers, by stealing from corrupt businesses and giving that stuff to those who need it, things like that. He wants to help people, but he thinks the only way he can do it is by being cruel and violent. He doesn’t think he’s capable of being kind.

He wants to be kind for Taka, though. He wants to be kind and gentle and soft and loving. He wants to be the kind of person that Taka could love and wants to be worthy of loving Taka in return. He wants it so, so bad.

But…

But he doesn’t think he can. He doesn’t think it’s something he can possibly be. All the kindness that we see him do with Taka? The way he soothes Taka and helps him with his problems? He doesn’t think it’s actually real. He thinks it’s an act. Something he’s doing for Taka’s benefit only. And oh, he wants it to be real, wants that so bad, but he can’t allow himself to think it’s real. Because, to him… he’s not allowed to be kind and soft and gentle. Those are things he can’t possibly feel. He’s not allowed.

He knows, objectively, that Taka loves him, but in Mondo’s mind, it’s not him Taka loves. It’s the act Mondo is putting on. It’s the fact Mondo was his first friend and was the first person to treat him kindly. It’s the fact that Taka is a wonderful person and can look passed the horrible things Mondo has done and even possibly see something of value in him. But Taka doesn’t actually love him. Taka can’t, because he doesn’t know who Mondo truly is. And if he did… well.

(Also, just a note, but he also doesn’t think it’s actually love. He’s thinks it’s more like… puppy love or a crush. Not the kind of love Taka actually feels. He doesn’t quite realize how deep Taka’s love runs, because he doesn’t think himself worthy of that love.)

Additionally, a big thing that I explore in TPWM is that Mondo is absolutely convinced that Taka will leave him one day. That Taka will realize that he’s too good for Mondo and will leave Mondo for better pastures, as it were. And Mondo… Mondo is okay with that. Don’t get me wrong, the thought it hurts him terribly and it breaks his heart, since he truly does love Taka, but he knows it’s for the better and that it’s what Taka needs. Taka could never achieve his goals if Mondo were beside him. Mondo knows this and he is willing to back down if that’s what Taka needs. He’s willing to be a stepping stone if it helps Taka advance.

And, as y’all can prolly tell, this isn’t healthy. At all. Mondo has put Taka on so high of a pedestal in his mind that Taka is almost godlike, with Mondo an unworthy worshiper on the ground. And that’s super unfair to both of them. Mondo lifts Taka up by putting himself down and it just furthers the divide between them.

But the reason why Mondo doesn’t leave Taka himself is because he wants to help Taka. He wants to get Taka to see how perfect he is, that his insecurities don’t matter. He wants to build Taka up and help him grow. He doesn’t know how, is struggling a lot, but he wants to help Taka if he possibly can.

And now, back to the manipulative thing, finally… with all of this in mind, I don’t think Mondo can really be seen as manipulative, you know? Because manipulation needs to be conscious. It has to be a person thinking “hm, I want something from this person and I’m going to do whatever I can to get it, even play with their emotions.” But that’s not what Mondo is doing. Not at all.

When Mondo does sexual things with Taka, it’s very complicated in Mondo’s mind. There’s a reason why he freaked out the first time they did it, and it was because he thought he took advantage of Taka. Mondo had been having unwholesome thoughts about Taka for ages and when he and Taka did what they did, Mondo thought that he’d taken advantage of Taka’s naivety and trusting nature. He hated himself so much in that moment, hating what he just did to Taka, certain that he’d just betrayed Taka’s trust entirely. In fact… he prolly thought himself manipulative in that moment, thinking that he’d manipulated Taka into doing that with him. When Taka said he didn’t, that it was okay… well. Y’all know what happened then.

Honestly, I’m not entirely sure where I’m going with this… this is a really hard thing for me to write about, since it’s all about emotions and things and a lot of it is based on how I view the world. It’s one of the reasons why I’ve been struggling so much to explain it, oof. I’ll try to keep going to see if I can’t get something intelligible out.

Anyway. The reason Mondo kept on doing sexual things with Taka despite his misgivings was for two reasons. One that he allowed himself to acknowledge, and one that he kept hidden away, ashamed of it. The one he acknowledged is that it helped Taka relax and learn to not be so uptight, which was always a goal of Mondo’s. He wanted to help Taka and let him see that it’s okay to want things like that. It’s even okay for Taka to be gay, like Mondo was nearly positive Taka was.

His second reason was a lot more selfish, and it’s obviously because Mondo wanted it, too. At first he denied that in himself, pretended that he couldn’t possibly want Taka like that, that he only did it to help Taka. But as time went on, and once everything that happened in the kitchen happened… Mondo realized that he did want it. Want Taka. He hated himself for it, but he couldn’t deny it any longer. He wanted Taka.

But more than that… more than that, Mondo realized that he lovedTaka. More than as a friend or brother. He was in love with Taka and that just… it was so hard for Mondo to acknowledge because he still doesn’t think himself worthy of it. Of loving Taka. Of being loved by Taka. He cannot view Taka as a potential love interest because he doesn’t think he deserves it.

By having him and Taka go on their ‘not-a-date date,’ Mondo was kind of testing the waters. He was trying to see if a relationship between him and Taka could work out. If such a thing were possible. He didn’t ask Taka out, since he knows he has problems with that, and also… it would have made it so much harder for him, having it be voiced like that. It would make it real, a real thing they’re doing, and the pressure would have destroyed Mondo. Completely and fully.

In fact, that’s why Mondo ran at the end of the last chapter. By having Taka say “I’m in love with you,” suddenly everything became real in a way Mondo couldn’t handle. He was doing his best to go through the date without freaking out, without panicking. But then Taka kissed him, said he loved him, and for the first time Mondo allowed himself to acknowledge that oh god, Taka actually means this, he honestly thinks that he’s in love with him, it’s not just puppy love for him, and that just… it was too much. He couldn’t handle it and everything he was trying so hard to keep down came back up again. His self-hatred. His lack of self-worth. He didn’t deserve Taka’s love, he felt. He didn’t deserve to have Taka view him positively. He didn’t deserve to have Taka, period.

He spent their entire friendship dreading the day Taka would leave him, and for the first time… Mondo had to deal with the thought that maybe Taka wouldn’t leave. That maybe Taka was content with staying for the rest of his life, if possible. And that scared Mondo so much, because he knows what he’s like. And he knows that he’d find a way to ruin it. That even if Taka doesn’t want to leave now, Mondo would ruin it and hurt Taka, and Mondo… Mondo couldn’t do that. Couldn’t hurt Taka, not on purpose. Not even on accident. He couldn’t bear the thought of hurting Taka, but he knew that he would if he stays with Taka.

When he ran, that wasn’t out of malice or a desire to hurt Taka. Instead, that was Mondo’s way of protecting Taka from the panic Mondo could feel building inside of him. Panic that he knows from experience turns all too easily to rage. He didn’t want to hurt Taka. He never wanted to hurt Taka, but he could feel it building up and he knew he couldn’t stop it no matter how hard he tried. So, he fled, knowing that running was the only thing he could possibly do to make things even somewhat better.

There’s a lot more I could write here about what happens next, but y’all won’t understand it without context, ha. I did write it down and I will be posting it with the next chapter, so look for it on my blog then if you want to know more about that.

But the main thing I want to get across here is just that… that Mondo wasn’t being manipulative, because manipulation needs to be conscious, and because Mondo never really thought that Taka truly loved him. He couldn’t think that. He thought he was giving Taka what he wanted by being sexual with him, not realizing Taka needed more. Mondo had no idea that Taka loved him so much, didn’t think such a thing was possible. Also, Mondo wasn’t trying to get sex out of Taka. He didn’t go into the whole thing thinking “heh, I’m gonna use Taka’s feelings to get off, no care for how he feels about the matter.” Mondo legit wanted to do everything with Taka and was doing his best to be what Taka needed. He just… didn’t realize that Taka needed more from him. And by the time he did, he didn’t know how to give it.

Sometimes people who have mental illness or trauma they are struggling with can look manipulative from an outside perspective. But manipulation needs to be conscious. Or it has to be deliberately done to get something. Mondo wasn’t trying to get anything from Taka. He was trying to be selfless and give Taka what he wanted. It wasn’t his fault that he didn’t know what Taka wanted, since Taka never told him. This goes back to my first point, in that the main problem Taka and Mondo face is that they don’t communicate. While we all know that Taka loves Mondo, and Mondo knew Taka at least had a crush on him, it’s not quite as obvious how deep that love ran. Not from an outside perspective. Mondo thought it was Taka loving the idea of him. Or loving the kindness Mondo showed him. Mondo didn’t realize that Taka was able to see all of his flaws and love him regardless. And that’s not really his fault.

Ultimately, the main thing I wanted to show with this story is that neither Taka nor Mondo are perfect. They are flawed people, but they still deserve to be happy. They deserve to make it through their struggle and come out the other side happy and together. Mondo has some pretty bad flaws with his anger, but it doesn’t make him a bad person. Having anger issues doesn’t mean you are inherently bad or abusive. It just means you have to be careful and conscious of your problems. And Mondo is trying, guys. He really is. It’s just hard for him and he slips up sometimes. Y’all will have to keep this in mind for the next chapter, because… yeah. It gets bad.

~~~

Anyway, I hope this kind of went over your concerns! I know it was a lot more than what was asked for, but y’all know me. I never do anything by halves 😅 Feel free to ask any further questions if this didn’t explain what you wanted it to!!! I never mind explaining things, even if I’m not always the best at getting it across. I think this all will be explained better in TPWM, though I’ve not actually written any of the sexual chapters from Mondo’s perspective yet. I’m still writing the companion to chapter 18, which was the bathhouse chapter, oof. One day I will get to finishing TPWM. Even if it takes me years. Which I’m hoping it won’t, but honestly… who knows anymore. -.-

(Oh! I also wanted to talk about this earlier, but didn't know where to fit it in. But you mention "basic logic" in your question. My answer to that part is... what part of either Taka or Mondo's actions in TPWP are at all logical?? 😅😅😅 These are two dumb, emotionally stunted teenagers. Logic doesn't really factor into their actions as much as it should. Taka tries to be logical, but he fails at it a lot, ha. It's easy for people outside to think "well, this is what would be most logical," but remember that in the heat of the moment, logic doesn't always apply. Especially for teens.)

(Also! I forgot to address the other part of you ask, about the apology thing. And yeah, that is something that I failed to add to this story, but a lot of it is due to the apologies not really fitting into the flow of my writing. A lot of the things Mondo has to apologize for are things that he did in the beginning of the story, and bringing that up in later chapters would stop the story dead and it would just... it was awkward whenever I'd try writing it. But I always imagined that Mondo did apologize for that stuff, I just never was able to write it organically. Maybe one day I'll write a one shot about it, if I ever have the time, ha.

Now, if you meant for things that happened after they became friends... I'll admit that I'm not entirely sure what Mondo has to apologize for. He apologized for what happened on Halloween and-- more than that-- he showed through action that he was going to change. And if there are other times you think Mondo should have apologized but didn't... can you let me know, so I can either explain why I didn't have him apologize, or see if I can add an apology in there if it works? It's late and I'm trying to remember if there is another time when Mondo messed up... there was chapter 20-22, but that was a complicated situation, and I believe I had Mondo apologize there? Not a big apology, but it was something... I think??? Like I said, it's late and I'm exhausted, so let me know if there is a part you want clarification on, since I've been trying to have Mondo not seem like too big of a jerk, ha.) Thanks for the ask, though!!! I hope I didn't seem unhappy with the question at all, ha. Like I said, I like clarifying things if they're unclear in the story. :-)

#Ask Answers #Oof this became a lot longer than I intended #I hope it makes sense #Let me know if it doesn't!!#I know Mondo can be a jerk in this story #But I don't want him to come across as uncaring or hurtful to Taka #Not on purpose #Not since they became friends at least.

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salem-xx · 3 years

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Songs I hear when I think of Airplanes!verse Thiam pt.1:

→ my interpretation of songs through the beautiful work of Airplanes by Captainmintyfresh on ao3/ @thiamfresh on tumblr. Proceed with caution those who have not yet read Airplanes because this does contain spoilers [but also you should read it for peak comedy and thiam]

✰ Airplanes: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12165924/chapters/27611925

✰ pls enjoy these gifs of boyfriends saving one another 😌

1. Chosen Family - Rina Sawayama

“Where do I belong? Settle down, put your bags down. (Ooh) You're alright now. We don't need to be related to relate. We don't need to share genes or a surname. You are, you are My chosen, chosen family. I chose you. You chose me. We're alright now”

Chosen Family is about how members of the LGBTQ+ Community aren’t always accepted by their family. But the friendships formed within this community are similar to a family. In a way, packs are similar to communities and families, they got your back. In Airplanes, Theo is torn between staying in Beacon Hills where he’s hated or going to Idaho and staying with the Hermit Pack. The McCall Pack will most likely never accept Theo into the pack after the crazy events of Season five, but Theo in Airplanes and in s6 shows that he is capable of change. Even though he will never receive a family from the McCall Pack, he does receive it from The Hermit Pack and Liam (the hermit pack is truly amazing). Theo hasn’t had that feeling of family since he was most likely a child and having friends and people who genuinely care about him is new and nice, but also scary for him ??? And the Hermit Pack are nonjudgmental. They know about Theo’s past, but they look past it and see him for who he is now. This song just makes me think of the family Theo has found within the Hermit Pack and Liam. ALSO REMINDS ME THAT THEO AND LIAM ARE EACH OTHERS ANCHORS SO THEY CHOSE EACH OTHER AAAAAAA mwah

2. BITE OF ME - NIKI DEMAR

“Forget to eat. Don't buy what I need. I let people push me 'til I bleed. And I take the beatin'. Over my breathin'. Yeah, I'm unhealthy and messed up. Everybody wants a bite of me. Everybody wants my energy, yeah. 'Til there's nothing really left of me”

BITE OF ME is about constantly feeling drained by the people around you, not knowing when to say no and overall neglecting yourself for the sake of others. Hun if that ain’t Liam Dunbar I do not know what is. This just reminds me of the opening paragraph of Airplanes and how tired Liam was. It also reminds me of when he literally took a beating from Nolan and Gabe [nothing angered me more 😀 ]. It just reinforces the fact they are literal children and they have to deal with the supernatural on top of school and being a teenager. Especially with Scott leaving for college, Liam is going to have to step up and be an Alpha to the puppy pack. I can’t even think of the mental exhaustion Scott goes through, much less what liam will go through. I feel like Liam is gonna struggle with knowing his limits because he’s going to want to be a good Alpha, but he’ll probably prioritize that over his own mental health.

3. Slow Dancing - Aly and AJ

Move the kitchen table out to the lawn. Roll up the rug, the stereo's on. All I can imagine is bein' in your arms. I want you to know. I don't need anything fancy. I just need me and you slow dancing. Hell's bending, keeping me captive. Heaven's here, it's right where you're standing. Slow dancing”

"This is good and we don't have to do picture-perfect dates. I mean, the restaurant and the shoes—It's not us." [Airplanes Ch 36]

"Are you saying I'm not swanky?" Theo gasped

"I'm so swept I've basically been vacuumed and moped too." Liam closed the distance between them quickly, crashing their lips together before Theo could realize how dumb he sounded and how they were definitely spending too much time together if Theo was starting to come out with stupid things like that. [Airplanes Ch 37]

Slow Dancing is the story of two lovers separated from each other during a pandemic. And about longing for someone and a desire for simplicity. Slow Dancing reminds me of the two quotes above in Airplanes. I don’t know if Liam would ever manage to get Theo to slow dance with him (chile maybe for prom, but even then I don’t know..would they even go to prom??). But the relationship between Liam and Theo is so unconventional but so pure ? They try to do something nice and swanky like set up a fancy shmancy date at a restaurant and they got kicked out because of a flying octopus. Or Liam tries to sweep Theo with a picnic at Niagara Falls and they end up with soggy sandwiches and Theo saying that sweet but dumb comment [aaaaa ma’am I remember screaming and laughing when he said that]. That entire chapter was so perfect and so beautifully them, Liam saying he’s okay with the sand fights, the vomiting and the throwing of maybe dead octopuses. Slow Dancing is just so domestic to me and in my head Thiam and their strange dates are domestic [by their standards] [ughh I love them] also Liam’s insistence on having a picnic really reminds me of the first few lines of the pre-chorus: “Move the kitchen table out to the lawn. Roll up the rug, the stereo's on.

4. Santa’s Real - Sasha Sloan

“When I would go to sleep, I'd always say, "Mom, keep the door open and please leave the light on”. 'Cause I thought monsters lived under the bed. That's before I knew they walk the streets instead. I wanna live in a world where people don't get hurt...I used to be young and naïve until I saw things I couldn't unsee”

Santa’s real is about “innocence and wanting to be naive again, and wishing the things that you thought were real as a kid actually existed and magic and just that feeling of innocence that you slowly lose throughout the years.” This song perfectly captures the trauma that both boys have gone through. Liam went from having a mundane, life to hanging off hospital roofs and being literally hunted down for money (plssss season four was too much lmaoo). Liam was suddenly thrown into the world of werewolves, wendigos and werejaguars. Yes, he had Scott, but Liam was only a sophomore [so 16] [and Scott struggled so much especially in the first few seasons.] Now he’s going from a normal human life to trying to stay alive from literal assassins who end up being classmates [I’m looking at you Garrett he really threw Liam in a well 💀] . Airplanes just highlights his loss of innocence that gradually vanished with being turned into a werewolf and seeing the things he has seen. Monsters quite literally walk the streets in beacon hills [you’d never find me in that town]. With Theo, Airplanes makes us realize he didn’t have a normal childhood. We see him as innocent and childlike during the water park and watching Star Wars. It’s both endearing and heartbreaking. Because before Airplanes, I saw Theo as a person but not really?? a lot of his actions characterized him as a villain, but those moments in Airplanes reminds me that he’s literally 18. His nightmares in s6 and in the fic remind me he’s still human. He’s a kid who made a lot of bad decisions, but he is trying. This song like Bite of Me reminds me that they are just kids. (no because the scene in the gif below especially look at him he’s just supposed to be a teenager, he needs more than a hug, he needs a break too 😭)

5. I Hear a Symphony - Cody Fry

“I used to hear a simple song. That was until you came along. Now in its place is something new. I hear it when I look at you. I used to hear a simple song. That was until you came along. You took my broken melody. And now, I hear a symphony

This song is really straight forward so I don’t need to explain, but this song just makes me think of Theo and how his life was bleak, loveless and the only thing that mattered to him was surviving. But Liam and his idiocy makes it better ? Having someone who loves you and looks past all your flaws. This song is literally Theo falling in love with Liam.

#teen wolf #thiam #liam dunbar #airplanes thiam #theo raeken #puppy pack #jeff davis really gave us scraps 😃#it’s ok bc Airplanes exists and I’ve read it so much that in my head it’s cannon #airplanes fanfiction

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istgimamess · 6 years

Text

Label: sm entertainment

Stage name: bella (because you're beautiful~)

Debut year: 2015 (3 yrs active)

Debut concept: aggressive bubblegum synth, dance heavy, vocal heavy, bright, pop!

Number of members: 4

Group name: strawberry jam (sj)

Fandom name: jammers

Position: main vocal, visual, dance line

Male bestie: Jongin (EXO)

How you meet: you are a hard worker, always putting your best foot forward, giving it your all; putting all your effort into anything you do! Which is such a great quality, you're told! Lord knows, you've benefited from that personality trait thousands of times, mostly in your career and personal relationships! However, alot of the time, it tends to have a negative effect! Mainly on your health! You put so much effort into whatever you're working on at the moment: new choreography, new music etc. that you tend to neglect your personal health! This lands you in the hospital alot; its not ideal, but you can't complain, your doctor is probably your favorite! Which is where you end up meeting (*cough*...fighting with) Jongin! You had a really important public appearance coming up, a couple of variety shows and another comeback all scheduled within a weeks time; and you knew your health wasn't at its prime, so you were basically in mental panic mode! You were hoping to get in and out of your check up as fast as possible, because you had things to do! Long story short, that wasn't happening! You ended up sticking your head in to the doctors office, to confront the patient before you! Which happened to be Jongin! "Hi! Yeah, sorry! Could you, I don't know, hurry up!? I've aged quite drastically since being here.." "He's my doctor and I was here first!" "Yeah, well he likes me better!" After a few more minutes of back and forth, a kindergarten-like tantrum and some overdramatic whining on both of your parts, you were left by your very flustered doctor to "..Work things out!.." You quickly end up bonding over your mutual lack of priority when it comes to your health, your whiney childlike mannerisms when you're sick or hungry and a love for the theater! He ends up becoming one of your best friends and you're almost always together! You're both quite determined and hardworking, both tending to over work yourselves and this is usually the cause for most of your fights: scolding eachother for not prioritizing your health! He ends up worrying about your health more than he does his, and vice versa! But you're constantly supporting eachother in anything you pursue! "Jongin, I heard Bella from Strawberry Jam is your best friend, is that true!?" "Yeah, she's my best friend!" "Cool! I also heard she is the biggest EXO supporter, is that right!?" "Yes, she is! I made a joke the other day about her leaving music to work for EXO and help us promote our new album!" "Really!? What did she say!?" "It was so funny, she took the album and walked over to the street corner and just stood there like this...(^ gif ^)..I couldn't stop laughing!" Your friendship is really goals!

Female bestie: Jennie (Blackpink)

How you meet: you love singing and you love theatrics but sometimes you feel like dancing and choreography, in general, can be very confusing and frustrating! So you decided to take some dance classes on the side, for some extra practice! That's how you meet Jennie, through a friend of a friend! One day after class, you accidently trip over her bag and take her down in a mess of legs, elbows and sweat! "Oh my god- I'm so sorry!...Ouch! Sorry! Yikes- are you okay!?" "Yes, of course! I'm clearly living the dream!" "Oh, well...glad I could help you do that then..." you stared at eachother for a few beats of silence, still sprawled out on the floor, and then busted out laughing! You ended up attached at the hip! It's an inside joke that you were split at birth and that you're actually twins; that's how similar your personalities are and your sense of humor! You're both really sarcastic and it's 100x worse when you're together! The fans love it! And despite how goofy and silly you both are when you're together, everyone can tell you both care about eachother immensely! You're always supporting eachother and you're always both genuinely happy for eachothers successes! She calls herself your "only fan!" And she lives up to that name! "Jennie! Did you hear yet!? Strawberry Jams song 'Pink' has hit the Billboard charts!" "..(^ gif ^)..What!? Seriously!?! I have to call Bella!!..." Such a cute friendship!

Group bestie: NCT OT18

How you meet: this probably, most definitely was the weirdest encounter you've ever had! You love to skateboard; you wouldn't say you're that great at it, I mean, you're no Tony hawk! But it is a hobby of yours! And when you have a stressful, busy day, full of dance practices and studio visits- you like to sneak out in the middle of the night, when the streets are empty, go down to the local park and skate to de-stress a bit! It's kind of like your secret rendezvous self-care session! Not even your group members know about it! The park, Seoul in general, is usually dead with no soul in sight at this time of night! Which is why you're so startled when one second you're minding your own business, practicing an inward heel flip and the next second you're surrounded by a bunch of guys who look like they've just stepped straight out of an Avril Lavigne MV! It startles you so much you trip backwards over your board and land flat on your back! You say about every curse word in every language you know, on the way down! "Oh my god! I told you we would scare her!" "If anybody scared her, it was you with that stupid pedo face!" "That's so rude! Taeyong, tell him that was rude!" "I mean..I did tell you to shave this morning.." "Yeah, you kind of look like an asian yeti.." "Or a pedophile, definitely a pedophile.." "Seriously?! Is this attack necessary!?? I mean-" "Umm, so sorry, pedi-yeti and friends..could you possibly, I don't know...help me up!?" They ended up hauling you up and bombarding you with questions left and right! Questions about your skateboard, questions about your skating technique etc etc. The more they asked, the more you answered and the more you answered, the more they asked! It was pretty much down hill from there! But it's all good, they quickly became some of your biggest supporters and closest friends! They always cheer for you the loudest at award shows! And sometimes, Taeyong or Ten, will send you little videos and clips (with the funniest captions) they filmed, on the down low, of the rest of the members singing and dancing to your music, unaware the were being filmed! "..[Bella, your music is hurting innocent bystanders! RIP Jeno]..(^ gif ^).." They're such a mess and it's the cutest!

Boyfriend: Taehyung (BTS)

Ship name(s): tella, bae couple, baehyung

How you meet: the way you 'officially' meet is kind of funny! And the time and location is a bit obscure! Anytime someone asks him when and where you met, he says Italy in June! You say it was definitely paris, late July! Both of you would be right and wrong! You love traveling and any time you have the opportunity, you jump on it! This is no secret! You first noticed him in Paris, he first noticed you in Italy, you both noticed eachother in Chicago! By the time you ended up back in the Incheon International Airport - you were 98.7% positive you had picked up a stalker abroad! "Are you following me!?" "I was going to ask you the same thing!" "Well I asked you first, so answer!" "I don't take demands from potential stalkers!" Some threats to call the police and a couple defensive hand gestures later, you eventually both settled on fate being the reason you've bumped into eachother over and over again! As cheesy as it might sound! You quickly bond over your artistic and creative sides, and a strong love for traveling and then there is no going back! He's one of your biggest supporters and you both often credit eachother as being an inspiration and muse! You eventually, after realizing how important and serious your relationship was becoming, went public! You figured your close friends and family would be the most supportive, and they were, but in actuality it was the fans that became your biggest supporters! "Tae-oppa!! Over here!! Taehyung-oppa!! You and Bella-unnie are the cutest couple ever!! I will always support you!!" "...(^ gif ^)..." It's so heartwarming!

Biggest fan: your biggest fan is probably Junhoe from IKON! He's always covering your songs, he even covers the songs you cover! He says it's only because he wants to prove he can harmonize with you, always calling you out in interviews hoping to get the chance to meet you and collaborate! "Bella from Strawberry Jam is my favorite! She has the best voice, even better than me! And she has good taste in music, I would love to collaborate with her if given the chance!" He's always showing support for your comebacks as well and even your solo projects; watching every drama and CF you do and streaming your music, constantly singing along with you at the top of his lungs! He's a dedicated and loyal fan and he's pretty loud and proud about it! So much, that it's even a running joke in his group that he would leave the rest of the members for even just a chance to perform with you! Well, it's a joke to them! Him, not so much! "Junhoe! I heard that you're a huge fan of Bella from Strawberry Jam, is that true!?" "Yes! She is my favorite singer!" "Oh really!? I heard that you would leave IKON without a second thought, if she ever wanted to perform with you!" "Yes, I would! In a heartbeat!" "What the-...you answered that so fast! You would really leave us, huh!?" "Yep!.." "...(^ gif ^)..." It's pretty funny!

Scandal: it's really no secret you have been trying to break out into the acting industry for a while, and make that cross over from idol to actress - auditioning and taking acting classes and workshops in your spare time! It's also no secret that you're good long time friends with Jaebum from GOT7! You've know eachother since before your debut and he's one of your closest friends, almost family! He's always helping you practice and reading scripts with you to help prepare you for auditions, giving you advice and direction on characters! So it's really not shocking when dispatch comes out with photographs of you two, on multiple days, coming out of your apartment and/or restaurants! What is a bit shocking is the headlines that are attached to those photos! "Strawberry Jams Bella and GOT7s Jaebum! Are they together!?" "Does GOT7s Jaebum have a sweet tooth for Strawberry Jam!? New couple alert!" It's ridiculous! "Are they serious!? A sweet tooth!? Who is writing this mush!?" "What I don't understand is how they got us mixed up!? I mean, I'm clearly the more desirable one in this relationship.." "Are you trying to make me throw up, or does that just come naturally when looking at your face?" "I'm a masterpiece and you are blessed to be in my presence.." What a dork!

Other activities: it's no secret you live for the dramatics, and the theatre is almost like your second home! So when SM suggested you audition for a couple of upcoming dramas, you jumped on the opportunity! And it was the best thing you could've possibly done! You ended up, not only booking a role, but booking a lead! You got to act along Seo Kang Joon (^ gif ^) who is the sweetest and most talented! You made new life long friends, won a couple of awards and gained a whole new following! Sure, they made you dye your hair a darker shade a red and teased you a bit on set about your sense of humor, but it was totally worth it! "It was so fun! And the hair color choice is actually kind of growing on me!" "Oh really!? Quickly, say that again into the camera! In 10 years when you're bald, I want proof that you were once satisfied..." "JB, I will literally push you off of this rooftop..." You didn't, but you were close to it!

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@suchqt here is your idol ship~ thanks so much for the request and I hope you like it! 😅 Let me know what you think!

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honeysenpaii-i · 5 years

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I hurt you, this is true. I didn't respect you, I was the joker. Poison, and you left. Just as I needed you to. But dont act like, for a second, you didn't hurt me as much as I hurt you. You beat me with a buttersock and whips. Ik it was jokes but despite smiling, I was hurt. Never mind that. Ik I deserved it. I don't want to be a victim, and I don't want to flip the script. I just want you to see that I am not the only one that hurt someone. A lot. I can't change that I will always be the asshole in your story, the one you gave everything to and I stepped on. I'm not trying to. I know what I did, but even after I told the truth, you still claim it to be a lie. Who could blame you? I don't know how to be honest with a lot of things and you pryed my eyes open and showed me that. I told you the truth countless times. It's just not what you want to hear. You think I'm still keeping things from you. Of course I am, and so are you.. With reason. But when you asked, I answered. Even if it took time.. we both established that I wasn't good for you and that you are someone I don't understand, that I'm not sure if I want, nay, need. I know I want you but do I need you? Do you need me? you've made it clear that you don't. Nevertheless, being somewhat wise, I'm still a child and I need to think. This isnt a love story, this is a tragedy. Maybe We could've been good for each other, I suppose we won't know. By the way, your ideas are brilliant, fucking awesome. I apologise I didn't give you the credit you needed. Like with the shoes, I sincerely apologise. I didn't know, no actually, I did. But I didn't think it was a big deal. But like a lot of things, it was. But when I wore your shirts, outfits, I let everyone know at my school that my girlfriend let me wear it, that it wasn't mine. But that doesn't matter because you didn't know that. Anything else I didn't give you credit for, my apologies. My mind isn't as creative as yours but some ideas were my own. Whether you believe me, matters not. I really was poison, careless, and treated you like you belonged to me. Looking back, I'm disgusted and embarrassed. This time apart has shown me replays of dumb things I've done. Actions that I could've changed, but I didn't, despite thinking of it. I know I can't go back and change it and will forever see me as this. I'm not sure if I can change, I'm trying. But A for effort just means bullshit. Just know that I know I was wrong about a lot. This wasn't a game, this wasn't fun. I didn't pick you out of crowd and just decide to ruin your love life. I cared for you and I still do, granted, not the same way because I don't think I should. But Kenji, when I looked at you, you were more than anything I wanted. You were my universe, and I was obsessed. I still am, but not in a healthy way and I know this now. Overtime, I want to say I don't know what happened. But I do. It started small, I felt neglected. No biggie. But then we stopped talking. Each month it was something different, I get disappointment. So I rolled with it and obliged. But I should've just talked to you. We should've just talked it through. After a while, I knew it was like clock work. We would stop talking and I would panic. But one day, I stopped panicking. I got tired, because I didn't even know what was wrong. And it all faded. But I wanted a future with you, I wanted you. All of you, and drained you. I shouldn't have. You gave and gave and gave me everything and I gave you half assed effort. My mistake. There's a lot more that could be said. But I won't. I just hope that you have a good life and do a lot more that makes you happy. I know you're brave, strong, and beautiful. I hope someone realizes that as much as I do and treats you right. Also, if you meet someone like me, please run. But first and foremost, I hope you treat yourself right. You deserve it. You deserve a lot.

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rareslikespastelpink · 2 years

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Ugh, another thought dump.

Lately my mind has been going back to how my momster was when she was strung out on her medication. She would be all incoherent, not able to stand straight, confrontational and I'd literally sometimes find her passed out on the floor sometimes. Like one time I guess she was cleaning and she fell asleep on the kitchen floor. Or she'd be passed out in her bed face smoothered in the sheets.

Lately these thoughts have come up and they honestly feel me with dread. While I do realize I stopped giving a shit about her well into my teens, it was still hard to watch her wither away like that. Especially since she has raised us as a single mom. Like when I was very little she was a good mom to me, she was more affectionate and would ask me if anyone was touching me innapropriately. Which well I mean that did happen, but it's a whole different story that never has to see the light of day on here.

I never told her because I didn't understand the question. But that isn't what this is about. But in ways she was also a neglectful mother, like partying when she had the chance. Dumping us off on her abusive mother. Beating me for laying on a bracelet in her bed and accidently bending it. I had no idea it was in her bed.

Yes, I have worked through my trauma (not the sexual assault, but I'm not sexually active yet so it's a subject we're leaving alone for now) but I still think about these things. I know none of it was my fault, I was just dealt a bad hand is all. I'm just appalled at some of it.

But still the point still stands, it was hard to watch her wither away. Like it is something my mind gets to every now and then. I know I won't end up like her, I'm getting help and I'm being truthful as well and not telling the therapist any lies.

I was going to cut down on therapy, but I realized I still need it. I still have a lot of things to work through after my trauma, toxic behaviors to correct. I also need someone to consult, because I'm going to experience alot of new things this year. Some of it is going to bring me extreme discomfort, so I'll need to work through that.

Also as much as I say I'm ready to have sex. I know once I get to that point I'm going to back out due to nerves. I just hope the person can be patient with me and not pressure me into things. Now granted I've been super horny lately, like just about everyday. I've come to realize I'm not ready for it yet.

I'm still uncomfy in my body. Even though I feel more confident, I just can't get used to the idea of letting another person seeing me without clothes. Or me seeing another person naked. I'll probably end up covering my eyes due to embarrassment. Yes, I'll have to get over this and I will when I cross that bridge.

This does contradict posts from last year. But my brain is more organized this time. I also have more tools to better deal with these things.

Like the goal is to be more chill and stop taking myself seriously. I don't need to act different around someone because I have a crush on them. I just gotta be myself, they will like it. Unless I have a stank attitude. Granted not everyones' going to like you and that's okay too. I just know that I'm fine the way I am. There is no special way to be.

I've also accepted I'm always going to be awkward around men. That's just how I am. I blame the not having a father in my life and my sheltered up bringing. My momster also stunted my social skills by not letting me socialize like I should have.

Yes this was a random thought dump before bed. I feel like I emptied my head. Tomorrows' a new day and the events of today don't matter. Going to start a new with the goal of having a good day tomorrow. Off to bed.

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elaizzzzzswift · 5 years

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👢👢👢👢👢 until Lover! #lovercountdown

Yesterday I have posted for the debut album in line with the #appreciateTaylorsongwritingProject and today it will be for the Fearless album of 2008. Let me tell you how I started listening to Tay's song. During the start of this era, I was just about 11 and my older sister shared the song "Love Story", then that was when my swiftie history started :)

👢Fearless - this song is about being fearless in love when you are with the right person. It is about a feeling that makes two persons feel so magical and comfortable with each other despite of the problems or "storms" in their way. It is about being brave, it's about being fearless.

👢Fifteen - a story telling us to take our time, to not rush things especially in falling in love. This tells us to not be hasty in investing our feelings and time to a person who may not be the right one for us. It's about focusing on other things that life has to offer particularly when we're still so young. This is like my go to song particularly when I started my college freshman year, my internship training, amd just previously my first job. Haha. This is my "first day of things" song.

👢Love Story - this is my FIRST SWIFTIE SONG. The first song and music video that made me fall for Taylor Swift! This song started the growth of the swiftie roots in me :) my older sister was the one who started it all, she shared the MV and I was stunned, then the rest is history. Going over, this is about two young lovers who were not supposed to be together because of their differences in life or maybe even because other people told them so. It is like the story of Romeo and Juliet but Taylor gave it a happier ending ❤ It is making two stars or planets aligned for love. It is making a lovely couple, two lines, to intersect and coincide even if other people tells them to just be parallel lines and not to end up being together. I really love this song and it is one of the most memorable one for me. It is about beating the odds and making them all in favor of you. Once again, this is what started the spark in my swiftie life!

👢Hey, Stephen - it is like when there are a lot of girls who admire your crush like you. Deep inside you know that you're the one that stands out even if they may be prettier or more attractive than you see yourself because you can write a song for him. I take the line 'write a song for you' as a metaphor to spending all your effort and time getting to know one person, finding out his story that makes up his song.

👢 White Horse - this a realization song where one person learns that not all love stories end up beautifully. It is about accepting that the story that ended may not be the best one for you yet. This is also about hoping you'll find the right love after all the breakups and heartaches.

👢You Belong with Me - this is also one of my faves! This song makes you want to sing your heart out when singing the chorus and bridge and it is just wonderful. Thanks to Tay because YBWM happened and most of us can relate to it. This song lets you scream how much you want that person to turn to you because you are the one who has been there for him all along, you're the one who knows him and understands him best, and you are the person to whom he belongs to. Haha. Cheesy but sweet.

👢Breathe - this is a sad song about two friends who drifted apart. I recall relating to it when my friend and I's friendship seemed to be falling apart and it is one of the worst feelings out there. Losing a friend is also like losing a part of you that you've known for so long, it is also painful to watch the everyday friendship routines turn into just memories that are just there but cannot be revived again. But it tells us to breathe and move on simply because we have to...

👢Tell Me Why - this is confronting a person who had been mean and rude about you, your talent, etc. This is Taylor asking why is that person trying to hurt her in everyone that he can. This is a person wanting valid reasons because when it comes to bullying, there is none. No one deserved to be bullied, disrespected, and treated differently just because your principles, tastes and beliefs are not the same. In short, be kind to everyone because that makes us human.

👢You're Not Sorry - this is having that tiny bit of hope or patience dry out in a person because she or he had been repeatedly neglected, cheated, and hurt. This is not accepting the supposedly apologies by the person who is just making alibis and just showing off. This is a person being brave enough to stand up and walk out of a relationship or situation to save everything that's left in her or him. This is a person who learned when and how to stop when it is no longer right anymore.

👢The Way I Loved You - this is a song on all the ways how one person started to love another. I think this is all in the past tense because it is like a memory of the things that made that person close to your heart. It is telling that you missed this and that but that was all just for the sake of feeling how it used to be before. It is also about being amazed by your own capability of loving one person even if it didn't last forever but yoy still wanted to love again.

👢Forever & Always - this has two versions. For the original version, I think it is a mixture of anger and sadness because of the pain brought about by the broken promise of forever and always. It is like screaming out all the pain because it really hurts and you wanted a way to make your chest feel lighter. For the acoustic version, I will always feel sadness only in this arrangement, no anger. This is the sadness due to pain, disappointment, and longingness to a promise that never should have been made.

👢The Best Day - this is a song that Taylor wrote and perform for her mom, Mrs. Andrea Swift, and performed for ber on Mother's Day. This song is not just for mothers, this song is for the whole family :) She tells about her excellent and strong father, her lovable brother, and most of all her supportive and pretty mother. This is Taylor opening up her whole Swift family to the whole Swiftie family and it is so nice of her to do this because she trusts us.

👢Change - this is a song that shouts out, "We will be successful!" despite of starting out small. I think this is like how one's career and dreams started but it will be successful with a sense of achievement because you never gave up. This tells us tk never give up just like Taylor in the music industry.

Additional songs in the Platinum Version

👢Jump then Fall - this is a song that is about a love that is willing to stay through the good and bad times. It tells us that we must not be afraid to jump then fall to the right person who is capable of seeing the good and lovable things in us. 💛

👢Untouchable - this song is Taylor giving Luna Halo's song a different touch. The original version is a rock genre but Taylor made it into a soft, mellow, more dramatic song in her own version of this song.

👢Come In with the Rain - this is one sad song again from Taylor. This is expressing how you had become exhausted in one relationship but still have that tiny bit of hope that that person will come back to you and fix things up. This is you not trying to catch that person again but you still leave your window open just in case that person comes back for you, for love.

👢Superstar - well, I relate to this song in a way that Taylor is this super star whom I've been longing to meet ever since I've heard her song. On the other hand, this is about a girl who is lovestrucked by a person who she thinks is out of her league.

👢The Other Side of the Door - this is a song about a couple who just had a fight. This is a song which gives us the picture of a person who is really trying to do everything just to make his/her lover go away but deep inside wanting her/him to stay at the other side. This is telling that you hate a person because they hurt you but then wanting them to stay because you need and love them.

I don't know if anyone will read it up to this point ahha. I've enjoyed doing this. It turned out to be so long. Thank you for checking out and even trying to read some parts of it. I hope you enjoyed it :) if you have time, please tell me what you think about the things I've said.

SALAMAT PO! 🇵🇭❤

Long Live!🤴👸🎆

#lovercountdown #lover #thoughts #taylorswiftappreciation

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