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wadey-wilson · 5 years

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Hey there! What do you think of Homecoming's characterization of Peter compared to the 616 and/or Ultimate? I'm curious what you think because it seems like your a Spidey fan and I've seen mixed reviews on this subject!

okay, that’s gonna be long, so brace yourself. (i just woke up so i’m sorry for typos, alright?)

Peter Parker, Earth-616 vs Peter Parker in Spider-Man: Homecoming, an essay nobody cares about:

- teenager - he is a teenager, looks like one, and acts like one. he’s a fanboy, he eats chips upside down, he jumps on a bed whining about how he’s not a kid (poetic cinema), he loves lego, he loves old alien movies. he doesn’t even know how to spider-man yet. that batman voice to interrogate people because he doesn’t know how to interrogate people? amazing;

- bitten by the spider when he was 15 - yeps;

- brown eyes, brown hair - that’s a small and tirival thing, but nailed it (i checked and the marvel wikia says ‘hazel’ but hazel is just brown for people in love);

- raised by uncle ben and aunt may - although we don’t get the words ‘uncle ben’, we get the general idea of it when peter mentions ‘after everything that’s happened to her’ and when he talks about responsibility in CW;

- midtown high school - peter indeed attends midtown school of science and technology;

- nerdy, loveable dork - he so is. visibly academically gifted, knows answers without even paying attention, studies when he’s in that warehouse, studies when he’s in berlin to fight cap, is visibly fluent in spanish, and he’s just charming;

- flash thompson the bully - check. i saw some whiners complain about how flash isn’t a jacked asshole beating peter up, but like… do you really expect someone like that in a school for geniuses? no. i don’t even expect bullies like in the comics from 60s to be in high school now. ‘bullies’ that i met are the people who are just coolers and more popular than you and make fun of you publicly.

- outcast/loser - check. no friends to speak of except for ned, he’s rather invisible, he’s not the cool kid skater punk that sony tried to present us in the TASM movies;

- suit - now this one is really what people throw tantrums over. earth-616 does present peter parker sewing his own suit, and then making his suits, and then even have the suits made into super high-tech suits in parker industries, but let’s be damn real here - imagine that you’re a 15-year-old boy and have to sew your own suit. would it really look like that?

i’ll have people know that these suits took days and weeks to design and sew by professionals. this suit, however, looks way more realistic when in terms of making by a teenager:

in the ultimate comics, peter’s given his suit by the owner of UCW (that wrestling place), and then MJ was one to sew his suits. i have zero problems with tony stark being the one to give peter a high-tech suit, especially that the kid doesn’t even fully know how to use it. some might argue with me, but imagine you’re tony stark, and there’s this 15yo kid swinging his ass around new york in a onesie and craving to fight baddies - of course you’d give him the best suit you could come up with;

- friendly neighborhood spider-man - friendly neighborhood spider-man should be damn friendly and he is. peter parker is nice to everyone. he’s the spider-man we love in the comics. he helps old ladies, stops small crimes, he probably would be the one to hold someone’s car up when they change wheels. the TASM movies had this problem that their peter parker was a selfish asshole (and like 733456 other problems, but that’s not the topic of this essay), and you don’t see it in MCU’s peter. when everyone is busy fighting, he’s busy saying sorry and greeting a cloak, come on;

- with great power comes great responsibility - this one is also being thrown tantrum over because some people overshadow peter’s sense of responsibility with him wanting to be an avenger. and yeah, he does want to be an avenger. but the sense of responsibility is really there. he didn’t help the old lady to impress tony. he didn’t stop the ‘car thief’ to impress tony. what he did to impress tony was that one thing when he said it was his chance to prove himself and went after the arm dealers, but it started as a choice when he left ned at the party, and turned into choice afterwards, too. when tony took his suit, he easily could have just stand down, go to the homecoming, have the girl of his dreams, and just be normal. but he didn’t. he left the girl on the dance floor before the party even started, he left his group on the academic decathlon to go after the arm dealers, he left his friend and risked his already shredded social status to go see what the hell that explosion was. he didn’t have to go after vulture, but he went after him in a crappy suit, with old web-shooters, and thinking he’ll probably die. more than that, when the plane crashed, he didn’t have to save vulture. he didn’t have to keep on fighting without professional equipment and polished skills. he could’ve ran away. he didn’t.

moreover, he takes responsibility for everything that happens because of him. he saves the kids in the washington monument after they almost die because of the chitauri core he gave ned. he tries to save the people on that ferry boat after he accidentally tore it in two. he saves dalmar after his place is blown up after peter’s brawl with the robbers. go figure.

”when you can do the things that i can, but you don’t, and then the bad things happen, they happen because of you” = “with great power comes great responsibility”;

- quips and jokes - spider-man is genuinely funny. he’s not a jackass, and he knows when to stop the jokes and get serious. he was one to joke around when fighting the bank robbers, but as soon as he saw the dalmar’s place being destroyed, he hurried to help, ditching the robbers, because human lives are important. because if you can do the things that he can do, and you don’t, and people die, that’s on you. so he left the robbers and run to save lives. beside that, he’s genuinely funny, even unintentionally funny;

- nobody dies on his watch - that speaks for itself: saving the vulture. he doesn’t kill his enemies and doesn’t let them die;

- not giving up - laugh or not but it’s actually listed as one of his superpowers. did he look to you like giving up when he stepped into flames to save the guy who tried to kill him? nah;

- the avenger thing - so, as i mentioned before, people tend to throw hands about how peter’s only motor for what he’s doing is him wanting to be an avenger. and, as i explained, i disagree. but that’s whatever. in the comics, peter refuses to join the avengers because he’s better working solo. but he’s offered that when he’s older. in the MCU he’s a fanboy, he loves the avengers, they’ve been his heroes forever, of course he wants to be one of them when the fate has it that he can be one of them. who wouldn’t? in time, of course, i turns out that maybe he’s better on his own as a friendly neighborhood spidey, so things play out fine;

some more stuff not strictly related to peter parker:

- liz allen and mj - some people (*glares at the ones who haven’t grabbed a comic in their life but act like they’ve eaten all the brains*) think that the only relationships peter’s ever been in are the ones with gwen stacy and mj. little do they know that peter’s first love interests were actually betty brant and liz allen. mj was actually the one to come as the last one in that line, introduced to him by his aunt after years of talking about ‘that cute girl from the neighborhood’ or whatever. so i’m 100% on-board with liz allen. i’m also on-board with mj not being mary jane;

- the lack of harry osborn and gwen stacy - same people also don’t realize that peter parker met harry and gwen in college;

- ned leeds - i don’t even have it in me to care about the people who whine about ned being torn out from miles morales’ comics because i truly don’t care. it’s marvel’s property, they can do whatever they want, and if they want peter parker to have a good friend in the mcu who’s actually a good representation, then they’ll have it, and i’m happy. (peter parker doesn’t have a pal in high school in the comics, but ned serves great as a second opinion and someone to lean on) (speaking of representation, i love all the chubby and color students in the movie, ugh). also ned leeds is an actual marvel character from earth-616, so get over yourselves;

plus comic references: the movie references to ultimate spider-man #42 and the oh so iconic amazing spider-man #33, and i couldn’t be happier.

that’s it, that’s what i think. peter parker from the mcu is the perfect representation of earth-616 peter parker. the changes that mcu did for the movies don’t burn your eyes, they were made to fit the year the action takes place in and to be more realistic - flash thompson, the suit, the fanboy-ing over the avengers. those are good changes. they actually help the movie and keep the story within the marvel cinematic universe without making peter parker look and feel like someone completely out of character.

#peter parker #homecoming #spider-man #i usually rant to beau how much i hate the tasm movies and how horrible they are #so that was a nice change #thanks for that ask tbh

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fandom-scribe · 6 years

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Wonderbat Week: Day 4 - Holiday

Title: What The Kids Want

Word Count: 2,102

Author’s Note: So so sorry this is late! I just kind of went overboard for with this and I didn’t feel like writing yesterday. Not desire to write and a large word count does not go well together so I just finished this (now I got to go write today’s prompt plus yesterday and today’s prompts for Dickkory Week. Yay :( ). Anyway, in my first entry I added in a mention Donna and Cassie because I didn’t want to erase them. However I have no knowledge of them so they are absent in this fic. Also my first time writing Jason sooo… Idk, it’s really important to me that Bruce’s kids have a role in Wonderbat’s relationship.

@fyeahwonderbat

—

Gotham was not a pretty city. The gothic buildings gave off a dark aura and the rank trash on its grimy streets gave the stale air a permanent smell. And yet, despite the sky high crime rates and bitter atmosphere, the city almost looked inviting under the mask of freshly fallen snow — especially when one was standing outside of their ancestral manor, sharing a cup of tea with a close friend as one’s kids played and got along.

Bruce Wayne took a deep breath, taking in the crisp winter air. A hot cup of tea warmed his palms but it almost didn’t compare to the comforting heat radiating from the woman next to him. In front of him was his boys. What had started as gentle teasing from Dick had turned into a full blown snow war featuring Dick and Tim vs Jason and Damian. Yeah, the pairings were odd but Bruce couldn’t care less: his kids were having fun together and that was all that mattered.

“This doesn’t happen often, does it?” Diana asked as she sipped her tea, drawing bruce’s attention away from his boys. A harsh wind blew and Bruce squeezed his mug harder. It had almost killed Alfred to put their drinks in big mugs instead of proper tea cups but it was far too cold to drink tea in little spurts.

“What doesn’t?”

“Them getting along? Usually Tim and Damian are going at it and Dick is either trying to break it up or caught in the middle. And I hardly see Jason anymore.”

“Yeah…” A dark feeling stirred in Bruce’s chest, nearly stamping out the joy the sight before him brought. “It’s rare to see these moments. It’s hard to get the kids to get along and a fight to get Jason to willing drop by. But these moments makes it more than worth it.”

“I bet they do. Watching them is like watching my sisters in Themyscira. No matter how hard we fight each other, we know the other would have our back in battle. Same with your boys, right?”

“Same with my boys. They love each other, even if only Dick will admit it.” Bruce looked back towards his boys and frowned. “And they’re plotting something.”

Dick, Damian, Tim, and Jason stood huddled in the middle of the yard, snowball fight forgotten. Occasionally a pair of blue eyes would dart towards Bruce and Diana before returning to the whispered conversation between them. Bruce narrowed his eyes and strained his ears but he couldn’t hear anything.

“What’s going on over there?” he eventually called after accepting that eavesdropping was impossible from this distance. The boys jumped apart with shining eyes and sneaky smiles, an almost believable picture of innocence.

“Nothing!” Dick replied as he strolled towards the pair on the porch. His brothers followed. “We was just going over a case that’s been nagging me. Perhaps you can help?” Bruce raised an eyebrow at his youngest.

“I thought you said no work on Christmas?” Pink highlighted Dick’s cheeks and he briefly bit his lip. Bruce nearly shook his head: he had spent weeks teaching Dick to control such reactions.

“I know, I know: I’m a hypocrite. But I just can’t focus on having fun with you guys with this case on my mind. Can you please help me?” It wasn’t common for Dick to beg for help. Ever since Robin became Nightwing the young man had been adamant about independence, so it was a big red flag that was was begging for help now. But with Diana right there, Bruce found himself not wanting to make a scene.

“Sure, Dick,” the man said, voice flooded with suspicion and resignation.

“Great! I’m gonna grab some hot chocolate and we’ll meet in your study.” With that Dick raced into the manor, a large grin stretched across his face.

“I can also use a refill,” Diana hummed, shaking her empty mug. “Meet you there?”

“No!” Tim shouted. The two adults looked at him, causing the teen to flush a dark red. “Actually, I - um - was hoping to ask Diana a few questions, if you don’t mind.”

“Later, Tim,” Bruce said with a tone that allowed no arguments.

“Yeah! Diana can’t answer your fangirl questions: she’ll be too busy sparing with me and Damian in the Batcave. Right Diana?” Jason asked with hopeful eyes.

“I’ve always wanted to conquer the Amazon in a sword fight,” Damian added with a shrug of the shoulders. Jason scoffed.

“In your dream, short stack. She’ll wipe the floor with you!”

Bruce pinched the bridge of his nose as Jason and Damian began to squabble and exhaled through his nose. Then he looked at the woman next to him. “Diana, I’m sorry to ask but—”

“It’s no problem. But I must warn you: Damian might be a little grumpy after I defeat him in battle.” Something in Bruce’s chest burned as Diana flashed him a smile before the Amazon was dragged off by his 2nd oldest and youngest sons. It wasn’t a bad burn; more like the burn of a cup of tea or a fireplace on the coldest day of the year. It almost brought a smile to his face but he quickly stomped that down when he saw Tim still standing there.

“Er, I’m just gonna… go inside…” Tim muttered awkwardly before sidestepping Bruce and disappearing inside. Bruce sighed and followed his second youngest.

—

By the time Bruce made it to his study, Dick was comfortable seated on his desk with a mug of hot chocolate in hands and stacks of papers spread onto the desk’s remaining surface. Dick gestured him over eagerly. Bruce was barely sat down before Dick started to explain the case to him.

5 minutes later and it was clear to Bruce that this was a waste of time. The case was an easy one with plenty of evidence as to who the perp was and why they did it. There was no way Dick hadn’t figured it out already. But Dick was determined to drag Bruce into it and no matter how many times the older man interrupted and tried to figure out Dick’s real motives, the younger just kept soldiering on and ignoring him. By the time 30 minutes had passed Bruce was completely tuning his son out, more interested in the way Dick’s eyes kept flickering to the watch on his wrist.

“Now, I was thinking —” Dick started around the 45 minute mark but he was cut off as his watch began to beep. Dick let out a breath and quickly jumped off the desk, breathing out a quiet “finally” that Bruce barely managed to catch. Dick began to collect the papers.

“Did you figure it out?” Bruce asked as he watched Dick clean up quickly. He was leaning in his seat, arms crossed and eyebrows raised.

“Hm? Oh! No, I didn’t but it’s Christmas and I refuse to work on this any longer! C’mon, let’s go find the others.” Bruce barely had time to process Dick’s excuse before his son grabbed him by the arm and pulled him out the room.

“Woah - slow down!” Bruce hissed but Dick ignored him, instead pulling him through the hallways even faster as he muttered a chant of “c’mon, c’mon, c’mon,” below his breath. “Dick, where are we going?”

“To find the others - ah ha!” Dick stopped in his tracks before quickly stepping around Bruce so he was behind the man and pushing him forward. “Stay there!”

“Why?”

“Just stand there!”

Bruce rolled his eyes and exhaled harshly. He had learned not to play his kids’ games a long time ago so why was he indulging Dick now? Before Bruce could move, though, the sound of a mini stampede rumbled through the hallway. The rest of his kids were coming.

Bruce stood there and looked ahead, watching as Jason and Tim pulled Diana towards him and Dick, Damian right on their heels. He barely had time to take in the sight - let alone chastise them for their behaviour - before his two middle children sling-shotted Diana forward, right into Bruce’s arms.

“Diana!” Bruce gasped in shock as the woman collided with him. “Are you okay? I’m so sorry—”

“I’m fine. The boys were in quite a hurry to bring me up here. Is everything alright?”

“As far as I know but my sons are acting suspicious and that’s never a good thing.” Bruce shot a glare at all four of his sons. They only smiled in return, Damian’s smile a bit more hesitant and begrudging than the rest. Bruce opened his mouth to demand answers but was quickly cut off as Diana shuffled in his arms. A hot flush flooded Bruce’s face and he quickly let the Amazon go. He let go so quickly that he nearly toppled her balance again.

“S-sorry,” Bruce stuttered, awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck. The heat in his face increased: Batman did not stutter!

“It’s okay,” Diana replied, a faint pink blush decorating her own cheeks. A few awkward beats passed before Jason broke it with a deep groan.

“This is taking too long! Look up already!” Dick and Tim emphasized his words by pointing up towards the ceiling.

As one, Diana and Bruce tilted their heads upwards and looked at the ceiling 25 feet above them.

Oh God, thought Bruce as dread and embarrassment filled him. How did they get mistletoe all the way up there?

Bruce’s heart began to pound and his hands clenched into fists at his sides. The dream/embarrassment mixture only intensified as he heard a small “oh,” slip from Diana’s mouth. Bruce kept his eyes up as he began to stutter, too embarrassed to look at his friend.

“Di-Diana, I’m s-so sorry! I don’t - why would they - oh my gosh!” Bruce’s head fell forward into his palms, his fingers pulling at his hair. He should’ve know his kids would pull something like this: they’ve been trying to push him and Diana together for months now! And inviting Diana over during mistletoe season? Bruce mind as well gotten onto his knees and begged for his kids to do this.

Suddenly, Diana began to laugh.

“S-sorry,” the Amazon snorted between giggles. “Your face right now is just -” Diana cut herself off as she doubled over in laughter. Around them the boys began to laugh too. Was Diana in on it? Did they all team up against him?

How come that idea didn’t upset him as much as it should’ve?

Finally Diana straightened with a sniff as her laughter died out. She licked her lips and, with big blue eyes glinting, the Amazon stepped closer to Bruce and threw her arms around his neck.

“D?” Bruce muttered, questioningly. His own arms moved of their own volition and wrapped around Diana’s waist.

“Your boys put so much effort in this. Mind as well give them what they want.”

“Yes! Kiss her!” Dick yelled from the sidelines, practically buzzing. The others quickly shushed him.

Bruce couldn’t help but noticed the way Damian stood close to Dick, slightly behind his older brother as if the shield himself from the scene before him. The last time he had checked, Damian still held hopes of Talia and him reconciling and the three of them becoming a proper family. But here was help, scheming to get him and Diana to kiss? Was the boy truly okay with this?

As if reading his mind, Damian made eye contact with his father and nodded his consent, latching onto Dick’s sweater as he did so. The young man quickly threw an arm around his little brother and pulled him close.

“Are you okay with this?” Diana whispered. “I’ll understand if your not.” Bruce closed his eyes and thought. Diana was willing to kiss him. His sons wanted them to kiss. And him — Bruce thought harder — he wasn’t against the idea at all.

“Yeah,” he answered. “I’m more than okay with this.”

Diana’s blinding smile was the last thing he saw before he closed his eyes and their lips met. Inside his chest something burst and something else clicked. Bruce found himself deepening the kiss, a low groan coming from deep in his throat. He could feel Diana’s smile against his lips, the heat of her body pressed against his, her fingers in his hair. It felt good. It felt right.

The world around them melted away as Bruce and Diana kissed. And then they kissed again. And again. Lost in the woman in his arms, Bruce almost didn’t hear the cheer and applause coming from his sons.

Almost.

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dammit-stark · 6 years

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the great marvel vs dc debate: as understood by hawkeye

hey remember that phlint comic con fic i mentioned the other day? yeah well this is it.

Clint/Phil, rated G

Summary: Phil Coulson is a certified nerd who loves everything Captain America and works at the SHIELD headquarters downtown as a Level [REDACTED] [REDACTED]. He loves his Harry Potter-loving, future nerd of a niece so very much that he agreed to give her mom a break and bring her to comic con with him this year. Clint Barton is strictly Not A Nerd but it turns out there isn’t much of a market for fancy, handmade bows and arrows beyond comic conventions, and where there’s money Clint goes, so he finds himself at these things at least once a month and they’re usually pretty dreadful because he has exactly 0 idea what’s going on but hey that one guy dressed as captain America is really hot maybe nerds aren’t half bad.

[Read it on AO3!]

“Hey, you! Yeah, you- you Brown Guy! Get away from those!” Clint barked, tearing his eyes away from the handsome-looking soldier eyeing the custom coasters across the aisle just in time to see a kid dressed in some brown cloak fidget with one of Clint’s arrows, dropping it, “These are really expensive! Be careful!"

The Brown Guy just snickered and ran off, his whopping four foot tall body disappearing into the masses easily.

“Dammit,” Clint said, left to stare at the shards of an arrow in bits. The hot guy across the aisle moved to a different booth, farther away.

“Did I just hear you call that kid dressed as a Jawa a Brown Guy?” Veronica, Clint’s booth neighbor, leaned in, practically snorting with laughter. She had bright purple hair and glasses the size of her face and made awesome prints (mostly with acrylic paint and digital applications, but she used almost every medium), lots of them, and created pins of characters and actors that sold like hot cakes (if hot cakes had pictures of hot guys in intimidating fighting stances printed onto them).

“How am I supposed to know what he was?”

“You don’t know what a Jawa is? They’re in the first Star Wars movie, on Tatooine. Ringing a bell?” Nothing. Literally just a blank stare from Clint, “They’re the guys in A New Hope that sell Artoo and Threepio to Luke and Uncle Owen.” Still nothing. Veronica sighed, exasperated, “Why are you here if you don’t even know what a Jawa is, Barton?”

“Oh, Veronica, Veronica, Veronica, such a simpleton,” Clint said, scooping up the broken arrow pieces, “I do it for the money, that’s all. I would much rather be anywhere but here, but sadly this is where I find myself this weekend. I have no clue about any of this nerd stuff.”

“Well then, Barton,” Veronica said, giving Clint a rough clap on the shoulder and a wild smirk, “You’re in luck because a panel just started on the other side of the hall and it’s supposedly going to be a super popular one so business is about to thin out. Plus, Amy said she could guard my booth for awhile just in case. I can freely explain to you the intricacies of The Con. And Star Wars. You definitely need a lesson on Star Wars.”

Clint looked up just in time to see the handsome soldier shopping for coasters move into the masses that were heading in the direction of Veronica’s Super Popular Panel.

“Okay, I’ll listen. I don’t have anything better to do, I guess.”

“You better,” She said, taking a big sip of Mountain Dew and looking like she was about to start talking a mile a minute.

“You gotta explain who the people in the red, white, and blue soldier costumes are, too.” He tried to sound as nonchalant as possible, he really did.

Veronica just smirked, like she knew all of his motivations, “Oh, don’t worry Archer Boy, I will, I will.”

////////

A flash of a red and black floppy hat (if that's what you would call a hat) rammed into Clint’s booth just as a harried, high pitch voice yelled from somewhere deep in the crowd, “Just because I let you dress up as Harley Quinn does not mean you can act like her! Come back here, missy!”

An overwrought BatMom of some sort appeared out of the crowds and reached for a handful of the back of the red-and-black checkered costume. But it was too late. An entire bow had ruptured, it’s string peeled right off the wood by the unruly hand of a child (Clint hadn’t even know that could happen to his bows, but children apparently found new ways to destroy things every day).

“Oh. My. Goodness. I am so, so sorry, sir. I’ll pay for it, I promise,” The BatMom was already pulling out her wallet, “How much did it cost?”

Clint shyly told her the price of the bow and she practically dropped her wallet.

“That much? I-I can’t afford that, I’m so sorry. Could I possibly buy something a little less expensive? What can I buy for, um, $65?”

Almost nothing. That bow had cost $300. Clint was losing money left and right today. He really hated comic cons.

“You could buy one of these arrows, m’am. I really appreciate this,” He smiled, trying not to show on his face that he was doing the math in his head of how many other arrows he’d have to sell to make up for the loss of this single bow and the Jawa's broken arrow.

“Well, I’ll buy it.” The BatMom reassured, keeping a tight grip on the back of Harley Quinn’s costume (whoever Harley Quinn is, Clint had no idea). The little girl was already trying to inch toward Veronica’s booth, or the coaster one across the aisle.

Clint started to make change and BatMom was getting antsy, practically hissed at her daughter to sit still for once for once in her life.

“So what are you two dressed as?” He said, just to pass the time and make things less awkward.

“Are you kidding me? You don’t know who we are?” BatMom said, as if he were crazy.

“No?”

“Well this little runt is Harley Quinn, and she’s not usually this bad, I swear, she’s just excited. She loves it here. And I’m Batman, obviously.”

“Isn’t Batman a… man?”

“So what?”

“Alright, I respect that,” Clint said, trying to make his chuckle as non-threatening as possible, “So what are you, from Star Wars or something?”

Clint could hear Veronica trying not to laugh from her booth.

“No… we’re superheroes.” Clint could tell that BatMom was wondering if she was being pranked or something, her face twisted and she looked towards the ceiling as if she'd catch some sort of secret camera.

“Like Captain America?”

“Well, kinda, but they belong to different universes.”

“Different universes? What does that mean?”

Veronica appeared, out of nowhere with a huge smile, “Go on, Batman. I’ll explain to our archer friend why Marvel and DC fans will forever be at war.”

BatMom smiled, “Well, good luck then. Again, I’m so sorry, sir. Have a good day!”

And she scurried off, just like that, with her daughter pulled tight to her side so she couldn’t run off again, leaving Clint alone with Veronica to get an earful on why Marvel and DC were completely different.

/////

The next time a kid showed up, Clint held his breath. He couldn’t afford another lost arrow. But instead, the little girl with her cloak and her yellow and black scarf and her wand just looked up at him with her wide, innocent eyes and shyly smiled.

“Can I help you?” Clint asked, hesitating. The sweetness could be a trap, the calm before the storm.

But instead, the little wizard (or rather witch, as Clint is corrected later) smiled at him and said, “Your bows and arrows are really pretty.”

“Thank you,” Clint said, because she may be a kid but he worked really hard and all compliments were appreciated, no matter how small, “Do you like archery?”

“It’s pretty cool, I guess, like Katniss!”

“Yeah, sure, like Katniss.” That was usually what people thought of when he talked about archery nowadays, it used to be Robin Hood. Not anymore. Now it was just all Katniss, all the time. Clint missed the days of Robin Hood (and the occasional Annie Oakley, which didn't completely make sense, but it was still appreciated).

“Katie, please don’t run away like that!” A voice appeared, out of nowhere, from the depths of the crowd, red, white, blue, and… hot. It was the Captain America from earlier, the one that Clint had been checking out as he checked out coasters. And apparently he had a daughter which meant there was probably a wife or significant other of some sort not far behind. Damn. But then, the cosplayer frowned and opened his mouth again, “Your mom would kill me if I lost you. Do you have any idea how easy it would be for my sister to kill me for losing you? With ease. She’d have no problem with it. None.”

Oh. So it wasn’t his kid, it was his niece. It appeared that there was still hope for Clint Barton and the Hot Cosplayer afterall.

“I’m so sorry,” Fake Captain America said, turning to Clint and oh, “She’s a curious one. I hope she didn’t bother you.”

This was his chance. Clint smiled as charmingly as he could, “Not at all. She was just explaining Katniss Everdeen to me.”

The stranger wrapped his arm around his niece, chuckling almost to himself, “She does like Hunger games. I’m Phil by the way, and this is Katie.”

“It’s Nice to meet you, Phil. You too, Katie. I’m Clint. I own Hawkeye’s Collectables." He widened his smile, just a little, to somehow make himself seem amicable to the max, hoping Phil would get the hint, "Here’s my card.” Clint hoped that the fact that his cell number was written on the back of the card was hint enough to call him. He didn’t want to blatantly ask this stranger out in front of his niece. Now that’d just be rude, right?

Phil smiled down at the card and Clint loved it, felt his stomach bloom as Phil spoke, “Thanks, Clint. So you make these all on your own?”

“Yeah, from start to finish at my studio.” Clint tried not to sound like he was boasting, but well, he was very proud of his craft.

Phil examined a nearby bow, “They’re amazing.”

Clint couldn’t help but smile, “Thank you so much. And y'know, I really like your costume.”

Phil smiled, so fucking wide it was unreal. Clint was gonna go for it. He really was. Just ask outfront, not wait for all that complicated dating subtext. The signals were there, right?. He just had to go for it, “Listen, I couldn’t help but notice-,”

But then he stopped because a beautiful redhead dressed as one of those people from Star Trek appeared seemingly out of nowhere and wrapped her hand around Phil’s elbow in such a familiarly intimate way that it made Clint’s stomach do a nose dive.

“Phil! I was looking everywhere for you!”

“Oh, Nat! Look at these bows! Aren’t they amazing? Clint here made them himself,”

Nat really looked at them, leaned over Phil to do so, like she was judging them, ranking them in her head, and maybe Phil wasn’t single afterall, this woman was certainly beautiful enough to be Phil’s girlfriend or wife or whatever. Nat smiled and Clint felt himself burn, almost vicariously, “These are really cool,”

“Thanks... I guess.”

Nat turned back to Phil, “Come on, the cosplay contest is about to start. You can totally place again, maybe even win!”

Katie got excited, too, started tugging on Phil’s sleeve, “I wanna see you win, Uncle Phil! Come on! Come on!”

Phil rolled his eyes at the two girls and looked at Clint, “It was nice to meet you.”

“Good luck with your contest,” Clint replied and slumped against his table. There was once again no point to Comic Cons apparently. Not without the hopes of hot guys dressed as Captain America.

////

The next day when Clint received a text from someone saying that they were Phil From The Con, he was ecstatic for approximately 0.2 seconds before he remembered that Phil was most likely completely and utterly Straight and Taken. Damn.

So he did what any mature and reasonable adult would do. He ignored the messages. Dealing with his problems would obviously be too difficult. Obviously.

When Clint was laying on his couch watching Dog Cops and his phone rang, the caller idea reading the number that Phil had texted him with, Clint (very maturely, by the way) threw his phone to the other side of the couch, conveniently underneath one of the ratty purple throw pillows so that the ringer was muffled, and pretended that he had no idea what that ringing sound was.

Clint received three more texts before the end of the week when they just stopped coming altogether.

Clint went back to his everyday life. He crafted some more bows, made replacement arrows, scheduled his next con, did whatever he could to take his mind off of the texts dinging from his phone. Thankfully, Clint received a particularly expensive request through his website that allowed him to take his attention away from Hot and Straight Phil and onto working on the order.

He liked to personally deliver the more expensive orders himself. It was sort a place of pride for him. So as he finished up the customized product, Monday came around and he packaged up his work and set out for the address on the email. It was nearby anyway, only a 15 minute drive. Once at the correct address, Clint maneuvered the package to the door and waited patiently for the customer after hearing a muffled, “I’m coming! Hold on!” From within the condo.

It was a medium-sized, modest, uber-modern condo that looked barely lived in, like the owner had somewhere better to be all the time. It was entirely different from Clint’s apartment, that looked like a tornado had hit it no matter what the time of day it may be. The door opened just as Clint began contemplating how many items he left out just on the path from his front door to the couch and how long it would probably take to tidy that area up (too damn long).

Clint gasped, “Phil?”

And sure enough, Phil stood there, smiling like he was the smoothest motherfucker in the entire world and well, granted, Clint had not seen that coming. But here Phil, the very person he had been avoiding for over a week and a half, stood in his nice and tidy house with his probably-girlfriend probably somewhere in there, answering the door wearing a ratty old t-shirt with a faded Captain America logo printed across the front.

“Hey, Clint. How’s it going?”

“You- um-,” Clint seemed to be having difficulty speaking, “You ordered something?”

“Yes, I believe I did,”

And before Clint could stop himself he found himself blurting, “Why?”

“Because I like you,” Phil said, so effortlessly, so easily, like it wasn’t something that Clint had been struggling to put into words for over a week and a half.

“What about your girlfriend?”

“Girlfriend?”

“You know,” Clint said, gesturing, “Nat?”

Phil honest-to-god snorted aloud, “Natasha is not my girlfriend. And trust me, she never will be. We just work together and well, let’s just say that neither of us exactly swing that way.”

“Oh. Oh.” Clint said dumbly, “So you-?”

“Yeah, Clint, Yeah.”

“Oh. Well, um, in that case, would you like to go out sometime?”

That trademark Phil Smile that Clint found himself loving returned again, “If you promise to respond to my texts, Clint, yeah, I’d love to.”

“Good,”

“Would you like to come in?”

Oh boy did Clint ever want to. But, nerd or no, Clint knew nothing real about him, and he had kinda liked the mystery, the waiting while it had lasted, “Not today, Phil,” Clint said, like some sort of half-promise, “Not today.”

Clint left, inadvertently forgetting all about the bow that he had made for Phil, leaving the wooden masterpiece on Phil’s doorstep, like part of his heart or his soul or something, left right outside of Phil's home to face the weather and all its irony. Clint only remembered it after he had already started the car, considered it a gift to Phil, and drove off.

At the end of the month, when Clint was looking over his bills (Phil made him do things like that, it was cute how heated he got about Clint doing Adult Things because they were Important), he found a mysterious entry of money without identification, equal to the price of the bow.

Almost like somebody had hacked his accounts and imputed just enough money to repay him for the bow. Weird. The name said something like Fury, but Clint didn't know a Fury. He'd certainly remember a name like that. Oh well.

#clint/coulson #phlint #shieldhusbands #clint barton #phil coulson #clint barton/phil coulson #marvel fanfiction #avengers fanfiction #marvel #avengers

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superscanaries · 7 years

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i agree with you that Diana could kick Clark's ass - but in a strictly physical fight, even if the two are (almost) equally strong, I feel like Clark's endurance and stamina would prevail over Diana and her more strategic game play. There's runs like Absolute Power, Azarello's take on this, her being defeated by Bizzaro, Grundy and Doomsday (all Superman villains). Even if Diana has no weaknesses, she has less abilities than Clark and imo, in a longer fight, she'd lose.

There’s a bit of confusion about what the actual Wonder Woman / Superman argument is about ... I’m gonna explain what the real issues are. Long post below, so undercut.

“Less abilities”. Okay, first of all, in the movie, she wasn’t allowed to use the bolt of Zeus - which she partially already showed in WW and ... hasn’t improved in 100 years? - so she wouldn’t overshine.

She’s trained for almost a thousand years in that canon universe. This universe also established Diana is canonically a God. This is the canon of the DCEU. She is an actual God. “Only a God can kill another God” (Steppenwolf is a new God). She wasn’t gifted the powers by God, wasn’t made real by Zeus. She is the Godkiller because she is fully a God. In this universe, they want to sell you that an alien is so much stronger than the daughter of Zeus - Canon, canon, canon in this universe.

The problem with Superman / Wonder Woman balance is not just in their direct fight. With Doomsday, she could actually shine through the battle, kick ass, be useful, look powerful. With Steppenwolf (which is a paradox because Doomsday is Clark’s field, Steppenwolf is more Diana’s), she was useless like most of the team. What are they gonna do when Darkside comes? Grab some pop corn and clap for Superman? (Spoiler: if the universe keeps this direction, they’re gonna do the Darkside control Superman storyline and no one can stop him, blah, blah.)

Wonder Woman against Steppenwolf? Useless, even while joining forces with Aquaman. Flash? Fled the battle to save people, never came back. Cyborg? Broken and died and back, but useful? Not really. Batman? Motherfucker Bruce Wayne went into battle with a God without SWOT analysis, without figuring out what creature he was, no strategic preparation beyond the one of a four years old? Hmmm. I ain’t buying this? The only strategic thing he did throughout the movie was emotionally manipulating his “teammates”.

Superman arrives, two punches, freezing the electro-axe (IGN actual question: “in thousands of years, bitch never got his axe froze? haha”) and then Diana can have a 3 seconds usefulness.

It’s not just in the Clark vs Diana fight (I see them as more equal based on differences and shared abilities - like I think it could go either way based on the situation- but they were far from equal in this movie VERY FAR). If you don’t see what’s been done in this movie that doesn’t even make it a Justice League movie, you’re refusing to see.

This is a 100% Superman trilogy, the movie should not have been called what it isn’t to sell tickets that it didn’t even sell.

Note: How come Diana isn’t allowed to fly in this universe? HMMMMMMMMMM I have ... hmnm mmmmmm I have no clue, she’s been flying since decades but hmmmmmmm wild coincidence

#edy's messages #spoilers #justice league spoilers #arthurcurri

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minaminokyoko · 7 years

Text

A ‘Justice League’ Rant

Foreword

Alright, DC fans. Before you light your torches and grab your Aquaman pitchforks and set off a rousing chorus of "Kill the Beast" when you read my review/rant, I am going to attempt to set the mood and explain myself. Some of you won't care. Some of you won't even read the whole thing before you jump onto your keyboards and proclaim that I'm just a stupid girl who doesn't understand comic books and comic book movies and that the Justice League movie is great and it's better than all the Marvel movies.

Let me stop you right there.

This ain't about the Marvel movies.

This is about DC and Warner Bros and filmmaking in general.

I don't have it out for DC/WB. I don't have it out for the DCEU. This anger and disappointment is not a result of the 20+ Marvel Cinematic Universe's successful run. This anger and disappointment comes from deep inside a little girl who at the tender age of six or seven first realized what kind of person she wanted to be when she saw Batman: Mask of the Phantasm for the first time. One of my earliest memories was seeing the pain and torment that Bruce Wayne went through after he fell in love with Andrea and he wanted so desperately for it to be okay that he loved her and that he didn't want to keep his promise anymore. I have loved DC since I was old enough to love anything. I love Batman so much that I have his symbol tattooed on my right shoulder. Dead serious. He is my guiding light and he has been since I was six years old.

So, once more, I want you to understand that the reason I hate the Justice League movie is not because I dislike DC.

The reason I hate the Justice League movie is that the Justice League movie hates me.

This movie is hollow. It is a hollow farce. It took six of the most beloved characters in fictional history and stripped them of all the reasons why they have been beacons of entertainment since their inception and plastered them on a cheap ass green screen and shoved it out into the world to make a quick buck. There was no passion, no heart, and no creativity in this film. It doesn't have an original thought in its damn head. Not one. Everything I saw was something I've seen before elsewhere, and it was done better elsewhere. If you don't believe me, fine. Let's go point-by-point. I will fully explain every reason why I almost demanded my money back after sitting through this poisonous flick.

-The plot is so unbelievably thin you couldn't stretch it farther than a couple of inches. Forgetting the fact that Batman vs. Superman was one of the worst films ever, picking up where it left off somehow just made it hurt even worse since we had to acknowledge the fact that it exists and then have to build another plot from the resulting shitstorm. So we begin with Crazy Steve (Note: I refuse to call him Batman or Bruce Wayne, because BatAffleck is neither. He in no way represents any Batman other than Linkara's epithet Crazy Steve from his reviews.) catching a burglar (with a literal sack of stolen shit on his back, like he's a fucking crook from the 1950's or something) and then a parademon appears and he kills it. So...first of all, was Crazy Steve there for the crook and the parademon just happened to be there? Or was Crazy Steve there for the parademon and he just used the crook? That makes absolutely no sense. Those two things didn't need to be there together. It's a plot contrivance of the highest order. It was also unnecessary as fuck. You could have just had Crazy Steve on patrol and he saw the demon, caught it, and then it died. After seeing this, the jump from 'hey, a weird alien’ to 'ZOMG WE GOTTA GET THE BAND BACK TOGETHER' is liable to give you fucking whiplash. Crazy Steve immediately jumps to "putting a team together" when he has such little evidence of the calamity, and it's even more absurd since Crazy Steve has NO experience working with a team. At most, Jason Todd existed at some point, but that's it. He doesn't know anything about metahumans aside from maybe what Amanda Waller mentioned to him at the end of the equally abysmal Suicide Squad. Further more, he just starts trying to collect these people without explaining why they should just arbitrarily trust a man they just fucking met who dresses up like a giant fucking bat. I mean, would you? Really? Especially knowing that he tried to kill Superman on incredibly flimsy reasoning? How do you know he won't immediately turn on you if you turn your head and cough and seem like a threat to him? Crazy Steve had no way of knowing aside from Diana that any of these people were stable enough to form a team and try to fight an unknown enemy. It was so rushed. He just whisks them away and doesn't blink at revealing his secret identity to four perfect fucking strangers (though Diana arguably doesn't count; she's much more level-headed and hasn't shown a propensity for losing it at the slightest provocation.)

-There is no team dynamic. At all. It's just a room full of superpowered people. The closest thing to a relationship is between Crazy Steve and Wondy, and even then, they maybe have three whole fucking conversations, and none of them are beyond superficial. It's like the movie was afraid of making an actual development, so it just kept throwing inane quips around in the hopes of distracting you from the fact that there are no characters. The whole reason the Justice League itself as a concept excites me is because you have this room full of colorful personalities with different backgrounds who come together for the common good and want to help mankind and protect the innocent. We don't know barely anyone's motivations because this movie is running off the fumes of a bad sequel. We know Wonder Woman's motivations for the most part, but having the JLA movie before her sequels still leaves a large piece of the mythos missing because we don't know how she adjusted to modern life. We don't know if she lost faith in humanity again or where she stands because we were still in the 1940's when we last saw her. Cyborg's backstory is mentioned, but his motivations are also non-existent. We get the whole "I'm a monster" thing but they immediately move on from any possible origin or explanation of what he's going through and what he wants to do since he's got these abilities but could be seen as a freak to normal people. The Flash also got a driveby explanation, but again, without prior films or history, we basically have to guess what motivates him. I know Barry Allen because I'm a comic book fan, but your average person may not. It's completely unfair to them that you just jump from place to place without explaining how Barry got his speed, why his father's in jail, and why he just jumped at the chance to fight crime despite the fact that he doesn't know how to fucking fight apparently. It's so discourteous to the character to slap him in there and not tell us why. Why does he want to help anyone if he's scared? Why isn't he insanely rich by now from the various ways he could use his speed? And then, fuck me, Aquaman is the worst of the bunch. They make no attempts to explain anything about his background. Who is the red-haired lady? I know it's Mera because again, I am a comic book fan, but the chances that your average moviegoer knows are astronomical, and so they get to sit there completely confused about who she is and what she can do and what she means to Arthur. We don't know why Arthur was just chilling out around that one village and why he gave a single shit about humanity or how he got his powers or just...anything! Anything at all! Other than he's really mouthy and has a nice chest. Look, I might be able to overlook the depressing lack of explanation, but none of these characters bond with each other or have any reasons to care about one another. There are no human aspects to them because the only one so far who has been fully explored as a character aside from Wonder Woman is Crazy Steve. Crazy Steve got some development in BvS, but certainly not enough for you to emotionally connect with him because he was a revenge hungry psychopath in the previous film. The entire fucking point of the League is to see these interesting people butt heads, but then laugh and get along with each other and get ready to protect their home from threats. Here, they're just doing what Crazy Steve tells them to do because...reasons.

-Superman's resurrection. Holy fucking shit. I just spent the last twenty minutes ranting about this to one of my friends. Where do I even start with how goddamn stupid this shit is? It comes out of fucking nowhere. After this hastily slapped together team fights Steppenwolf one time, Crazy Steve in true Crazy Steve fashion decides that we should disgrace the dead and bring Superman back. Crazy Steve has no fucking idea how the Motherbox works. None. He has done no research, he has no knowledge of Kryptonian technology, nor is he at all aware of Darkseid and the New Gods' technology. But he's like, "Nah, bruh, we all suck and we need Superman." As an aside, I am really angry at how this movie is sucking that Kryptonian cock too. How dare you. How dare you imply that these badass heroes who were doing just fine on their own in the comics and animated shows need Superman like he's their fucking babysitter. Maybe if you had established the team dynamic and established the characters, they'd be able to fight better. Crazy Steve took one fucking look at the team that had been together a grand total of like four fucking hours and decided they were all gonna die without Superman's help. It's not only reckless and poorly thought out, it's honestly insulting. It's insulting that Crazy Steve would drag Kal El from heaven (because, for real, it's entirely possible he was in literal paradise and you sorry motherfuckers took him away from his parents and his loved ones of Krypton for your selfish asses) just on the assumption that the team wasn't strong enough. My God. I am just floored by this development in the movie. It pisses me off that the movie just shrugs and acts like it was for the best to spit in the face of God and drag Kal back to earth. Maybe you shouldn't have killed him in the first fucking place, you shitlords. And it's more frustrating to me since in the comics, after DC panicked and wrote in the "regenerative coma" that they didn't just use that instead. I'd be less angry if they introduced the idea that he was never dead to begin with, but in the death-like coma. It's a cop out, but it's better than literally Frankensteining Superman from heaven to fight your fucking battle for you.

-The dialogue is painful. So painful. It is so tacked on. I went to the theater tonight at 3:50pm and I'd say there was maybe 20-25 people in there and they laughed twice. You heard me. Twice. That was an almost two hour movie, and the audience only laughed twice. Hell, I only laughed once, and it was at the end credits scene where Superman jokes that The Flash is off the team if he loses. That was the only genuine line that I heard out of this movie. It's so apparent that the studio was trying to course correct the film away from the drab, hopeless "vision" of Zack Snyder. It doesn't work. The humor misses by a mile because it's just so awkward. These versions of the heroes take themselves way too seriously, or the quips are directed at the wrong characters. Aquaman is introduced pretty much as a dumb dudebro with a devil-may-care attitude. His snarky dialogue is fine, but when you try to have Crazy Steve the focus of a joke, it falls flat since he's a killer and an asshole and the levity doesn't feel right. There's a little tingle on the back of your neck from how awkward it is when someone makes a joke and then there's this awkward silence afterward because the movie assumes you need a minute to laugh. No, movie. No. If you want a joke to land, you need either timing or context. Pointing out the fact that Crazy Steve wears a batsuit isn't inherently funny. You need context. The "I'm rich" line is a better example of a joke that should have landed, but didn't because it was in the trailer. That has context. That is humor. Just having The Flash say things out loud that he sees isn't funny. Having him be awkward around Crazy Steve isn't funny because the two of them don't know each other and Crazy Steve is mostly straight-faced and so the lines slide off of him like dung. Diana is a better example, as she gives off a very warm presence. For example, Cyborg remarking that Diana needed to keep the merman off him almost landed because the two of them have at least held a conversation and so it feels natural that he might finally make a joke around her. It also landed better because Diana is definitely the only one who appears to have a heart. Everything else is just a vain attempt to lighten the mood, but it just clashes with the deadly serious tone everything else is shot with.

-Not explaining the mythology. Jesus Christ. I'm one of those people who believes that you cannot make a film and just sneer at your audience and go, "Oh, just read the comics if you want to know what's going on!" No. You are not allowed to do that. Film is not an add on. In a film, you are charged with telling a comprehensive story with characters who develop and change over the course of their adventure. That is storytelling 101, and this movie utterly fails. It does just like Suicide Squad where it just starts throwing names at you and not telling you who anyone is with the assumption that "only comic book nerds are watching this anyway" or "well, there are only children watching and they don't care to know who everyone is, they just want to see things get smashed." Wrong. You are wrong. We don't know Steppenwolf, we don't know Darkseid, we don't Apocalypse, we don't know Lanterns, we don't know Atlantis, we don't know jackshit as an audience! And yet they just jam all these names down your throat and expect you to be able to pay attention when you have about ninety thousand questions in your head during the course of the fucking movie. Films should find common ground with the audience. Some mystery is good. Throwing in small cameos or references can feel like a nice garnish to the mythology, but this movie just glosses over everything and thinks it's fine. None of this stuff has been established aside from Krypton and Kryptonian technology. You're doing everyone a disservice by refusing to lay the foundation for the villain and the premise of the plot.

-The effects are mostly atrocious. Out of everything I've cited here, this makes the least amount of sense to me. This is WB, for God's sake. Time Warner. You have all the money in the fucking world and this is the best you can do? I mean, the Dark Knight trilogy alone should have you funded for every superhero movie for the next ten years, and yet we get Henry Cavill's Uncanny Valley mouth as a result of the childish fucking dispute over his mustache, we get CGI that looks like it's from the goddamn Spawn movie at times, and then every single thing is shot from an obvious green/blue room that it feels like the fucking Phantom Menace all over again. I never felt like anything they were doing was real. I mean, to me, it felt like the only set in the whole fucking movie was the Batcave. They are so obviously on a soundstage the entire time and none of the backgrounds blend, and they don't even bother with smaller things like having the wind blow or the colors change or the shadows move to trick your brain into accepting the CGI. Oh, and why Digi-Bat? I'm flabbergasted as to why 80% of Crazy Steve's scenes are digital. He's the non-powered team member. Why wasn't it just a stunt guy? Was Ben Affleck really that fat and lazy that he didn't want to do any fight scenes? It was like watching a freaking PlayStation 1 game whenever he fought someone. My guess is that this project got rushed after shooting and reshoots and so instead of going over the effects with a fine toothed comb and adding layers onto them so that the scenes felt real, they just gave up and only touched them up. Now, I'm not talking about things like Cyborg where it was a front and center integrated effect. Even though I still hate his design (to me, he looks like a Black Ken doll head on a Terminator body), I believed he was there and moving around. Aside from him, though? Nah, bruh. I didn't believe anyone was doing anything.

-The fight scenes were worthless. Again, I'm confused as to how this was even logistically possible. Let's recap: we've got a guy who can run faster than the speed of sound, a dude who can swim on top of Great White Sharks and punch craters into the ocean floor, a kid who has rocket boots and an arm cannon, a woman who can deflect bullets and shoot sonic blasts with her bracelets, a guy who can shoot lasers, fly, use ice breath, run faster than a speeding bullet, and is stronger than anything ever, and lastly a man who knows every martial arts style known to man on top of having a belt with endless nifty gadgets on it. Put that all together. You should be shitting amazing fight scenes, and yet everything last one of them was bland and forgettable. The true lack of passion in the film is what is on display with these boring fight scenes. It's so repetitive. Aquaman throws his pitchfork. Wondy swings her sword or hits her bracelets together. Batman swings. Flash runs and pushes. Superman punches. That's it. Are you fucking kidding me? I can name about a thousand different cool scenarios that we could have seen with these unique powers, and yet we saw the same moves with no creativity to them. Want an example? I personally thought the Wonder Woman movie was just okay, but I at least commend them for using her agility and her invulnerability properly to create excellent visuals for how powerful and capable she is. She smashes. She grabs and throws and uses combat techniques that a warrior race would know. It is very clear when she fights that someone gave a shit and wanted to make you feel like you were a part of the action and to give you something stunning to look at. Granted, I wasn't stunned because I've seen better, but if Wonder Woman had come out in the 90's before I had seen better, then it would have blown my socks off. The JLA movie's fight scenes are tired as hell and like the movie itself, it feels like they are just checking shit off a list. It's an afterthought. There's so little effort involved, and it matches the overall tired tone I was getting out of it all. I want to believe in these heroes. I want to be dazzled by them. I want to be inspired by them. I want the feeling I used to get when I watched the Nolan trilogy--where I knew Bruce Wayne as a character and as a person and I knew his limitations and his passion and his drive, but I also know how and when he was gonna kick some ass and that I was going to be able to enjoy the different creative ways I got to watch him kick some ass. Justice League does not have any of that vigor or wonder or splendor to its fight scenes. They are as thoughtless and calculated as the rest of the movie felt. You want examples? Pop in the first few episodes of the Justice League animated series. I implore you to sit down and watch the way that the team came together, even though we had the history of Batman and Superman previously. Then I want you to move forward to Justice League Unlimited. Watch those. Watch how they use their powers and personalities to not only provide fun, colorful, exciting fight sequences, but how the chemistry between the team members enhances the urgency of the fight and the overall enjoyment of the fight. That's what this movie is missing.

I can write another five pages' worth of criticism, but when I boil everything down to a single point it is this--the Justice League movie is a rushed, soulless attempt to cash in by manipulating the fans into accepting the massive lowering of their standards in our post-Dark Knight Trilogy years of DC/WB.

And I am begging the fans who have done this, accepted this movie and put on blinders to its problems simply because you love DC and you want to say that they made a good movie, please stop it.

I'm not saying you're wrong for enjoying it. If you did, good for you. But what I want you to do is stop letting them play you in this fashion. Because that's what they're doing. They know your heart. They know you have characters that you love that you want to see on the silver screen because they are important to you for whatever reason, and so you are purposely ignoring massive flaws so that you can enjoy what they are sloppily slapping into your eyeballs. I'm saying that you deserve the effort. You are worth the effort of making a movie worthy of these heroes we all love so much. I just want you to know that. You deserve a movie where everyone has a storyline and is developed. You deserve a storyline where the plot makes sense and the team has chemistry and a reason to be a team in the first place. Don't lower your standards so that this movie glides above them. Hold it to the right standards and demand that they do better next time. Don't give them a passing grade. You do have other options. You have the animated films, you have the television shows, you have comic books by the bucketload, and you can make a difference and demand that the filmmakers do these characters justice (cue rimshot) by telling them that this movie is a disappointment and refraining from going to see it again or from buying the DVD. Money talks. Hollywood will laugh off reviews, but that box office shock gets them every time. After all, even though the jokes were last second and tacked on, the fact that we all hated BvS made them change something to try to course correct. You did that. You made a difference. And you can do it again. You can help force them to give you the movie you deserve. You should want that. You should want that for yourself and I want that for you as well.

So if you gotta fight me, fight me. Fine. I'll rebutt you to the ends of the earth if you feel the need to go that far. I'm not trying to trash a thing you love. I love it too and I want them to put some fucking effort into these films and make them as amazing as they should be.

Until that time...I guess come at me, bro.

#Justice League #Justice League movie #Zack Snyder #rant #movie review #film review

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injusticetwofanportfolios · 6 years

Text

Injustice 2 The Coon’s portfolio part 1: Battle Intros

The Coon (aka Eric Cartman)

“Prepared to get Cooned!”

While the most sensible people of South Park would see entering the Injustice Universe as certain death, 4th grader Eric Cartman saw immense opportunity. Driven by his own twisted (and selfish) ideas of how to make both worlds better, and emboldened by the possibly of taking Brainiac’s technology for himself, Cartman takes up his alter-ego of The Coon once again to tackle what may be his greatest challenge yet.

1st and 3rd Line Animation: The Coon simply falls downward and makes a three-point landing onto the stage as he says the first line. He says the third line while getting into fighting stance.

2nd Line Animation: The Coon enters the stage riding his Coon-Cycle (a Coon-themed tricycle for those unaware). The Coon stops his Coon Cycle by making a sharp turn while hitting the brakes. He says the second line while climbing out of the Coon-Cycle.

Vs. Aquaman

The Coon: Wow! It’s King Semen!

Aquaman: Do not mock me with formality!

The Coon: Ey! I workshopped a dozen of those!

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Aquaman: Atlantis is off-limits!

The Coon: There’s nowhere The Coon can’t go!

Aquaman: You’ve been warned!

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Vs. Batman

Batman: Come quietly, you won’t get hurt.

The Coon: I’ve outwitted Mysterion before, I can outwit you, Bat-Bitch!

Batman: Let me enlighten you.

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The Coon: You’ll either be dead or crapping your pants when I’m done.

Batman: Is that supposed to scare me?

The Coon: Fine, I can technically make you do both.

Vs. Atrocitus

Atrocitus: You’ve enraged Earth’s people.

The Coon: Wow, already? And I just got here.

Atrocitus: Your victims must be avenged!

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Atrocitus: Your rage and selfishness has plagued two worlds, Cartman!

The Coon: Oooooh! That mean you got a Red Ring for me?

Atrocitus: You’re too treacherous for a Red Ring!

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The Coon: So what the hell do you want?

Atrocitus: You have escaped punishment too long!

The Coon: I can promise it’ll be much longer.

Vs. Bane

Bane: I hear this ‘New Kid’ became formidable with your training.

The Coon: (suspicious) awfully specific to bring that shit up, why?

Bane: If you lose, I’ll see if they fare better.

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The Coon: Do you ride a tiny bicicleta, Bane?

The Bane: Do not butcher my language!

The Coon: “Ey! I workshopped a dozen of those!” or “Ha! you’ll wish that was all I was doing.”

Vs. Black Adam

Black Adam: Relinquish your apprentice to me, Eric Cartman!

The Coon: Huh, suddenly I’m glad I didn’t bring Butthole with me.

Black Adam: Dovahkiin will learn better wisdom from my lead.

----------

The Coon: Seems God missed a firstborn during his plagues.

Black Adam: I’m the only god that should worry you, boy!

The Coon: Ha! The same ‘god’ that lost to Green Arrow?

-------

Black Adam: You expect to best a god?

The Coon: The Coon will tear through you like garbage.

Black Adam: Amon’s strength will crush your pride.

------

Vs. Black Canary

The Coon: I saw you on CW once.

Black Canary: Want me to sing for you?

The Coon: (scoffs) Good one, god knows I sing better than you.

----------

Black Canary: I hear the New Kid doesn’t trust you anymore.

The Coon: (Sighs) way to open some old wounds, (mutters) stupid bitch.

Black Canary: Shame a good taste in students is all you got.

Vs. Blue Beetle

The Coon: Nice armor, think I’ll take it!

Blue Beetle: Can’t, it’s fused to my spine.

The Coon: I’m sure I’ll figure something out.

-----

Blue Beetle: We’ve been keeping a cell warm for you.

The Coon: What’s Kinny been telling you? I’m a hero!

Blue Beetle: You got denial bad, bro!

Vs. Brainiac

The Coon: Hi there, I’m the Coon and I’m here to take your ship.

Brainiac: An unlikely outcome of this encounter.

The Coon: You living is gonna be even less likely.

---------

Brainiac: Why come to this universe?

The Coon: You got a treasure trove of tech, and I’m here to take it.

Brainiac: You overestimate your chances.

-----

Brainiac: The nature of your universe is most curious.

The Coon: (suspicious) awfully specific to bring that shit up, why?

Brainiac: Know that South Park will be collected after your death.

-----

Vs. Captain Cold

The Coon: Ya know, I’ve survived being frozen before.

Captain Cold: Then I’ll just punch you in the face.

The Coon: Assuming I don’t slash open your belly.

-----

Captain Cold: The Rogues never liked you.

The Coon: Wow, already? And I just got here.

Captain Cold: Ever turned on a TV here, kid?

Vs. Mr. Freeze

Mr. Freeze: You are unafraid of my gun.

The Coon: I always found your puns scarier than freezing to death.

Mr. Freeze: Best not to taunt me, child.

--------

Mr. Freeze: Could Dr. Mephesto assist with my research?

The Coon: (scoffs) He’d be more interested in giving Nora more asses.

Mr. Freeze: Then I will make do freezing him and seizing his assets.

-----

The Coon: Yeesh! Even South Park’s homeless don’t get that bad case of frostbite.

Mr. Freeze: You dare mock my suffering?!

The Coon: Ha! You’ll wish that was all I was doing.

Vs. Catwoman

The Coon: You do worse at flip-flopping than Butthole!

Catwoman: I like to keep my options open.

The Coon: “At least Butthole doesn’t make excuses.” Or “Just means you’ll run out of nine lives quicker.”

--------

The Coon: Ya know, normally I like cats

Catwoman: Should I be creeped out, or flattered?

The Coon: Neither, won’t stop me from killing you.

------

Catwoman: I hear you like cats.

The Coon: Well, we can both agree cats are better than people.

Catwoman: Though raccoons are a cut below them both.

Vs. Cheetah

Cheetah: You honestly think your claws match mine, boy?

The Coon: I got other ways to skin you, just in case.

Cheetah: I need only my claws.

--------

The Coon: Oh look, my new bath robe!

Cheetah: You won’t joke once I have your tongue.

The Coon: And you won’t be so cocky once I pull your tail off!

------

The Coon: You know, normally I like cats.

Cheetah: I can safely say you won’t like this one.

The Coon: Yeeeaahh, you may be right.

------

Cheetah: Garrison never taught you raccoons aren’t the best hunters?

The Coon: I’m guessing you don’t know the people I’ve hunted?

Cheetah: The Goddess knows, and she’s unimpressed.

Vs. Vixen

The Coon: So it’s the Coon versus…. what exactly?

Vixen: You’re fighting the entire animal kingdom.

The Coon: Then it’s time to put Coon on top of the food chain!

------

Vixen: I never understood what makes you tick.

The Coon: No father figure? Messed up social life? My own protégé left me? I can go on…

Vixen: None of that justifies the things you’ve done, Eric!

Vs. Cyborg

The Coon: So you’re mad at your dad for rebuilding ya?

Cyborg: It's 'cause of him I'm like this!

The Coon: you’re fuckin’ nuts! I’d kill for toys like yours!

------

Cyborg: I want nothing to do with you.

The Coon: (mockingly) Why? Jealous I still have my dick?

Cyborg: THAT was disrespectful, kid!

Vs. Grid

The Coon: Shouldn’t you be somewhere inside Vic?

Grid: I will no longer be Victor Stone’s slave.

The Coon: ‘Kay then, maybe you’ll be mine instead.

------

Grid: Analysis suggests you will not survive.

The Coon: The Coon will tear through you like garbage.

Grid: My calculations are never wrong

Vs. Deadshot

The Coon: So someone put a price on The Coon?

Deadshot: I’ll admit, my jaw dropped at seeing those digits.

The Coon: (laughs amusingly) Now I know this world’s scared of me….

-----

Deadshot: Those comics ever tell you how many raccoons I’ve bagged?

The Coon: (slightly nervous) Something tells me I made a mistake…

Deadshot: One king-size coonskin cap coming right up….

Vs. Doctor Fate

The Coon: Sweet helmet, it’s mine now.

Doctor Fate: You would corrupt its power.

The Coon: With your Lords supporting Brainiac? How could I do worse?

------

Doctor Fate: You bring death and misery!

The Coon: What’s Kinny been telling you? I’m a hero!

Doctor Fate: Begone from this Earth!

-------

Doctor Fate: The Lords know your fate.

The Coon: Like what? Your helmet on my head?

Doctor Fate: Your head will be all you’ll have left.

Vs. Firestorm

The Coon: I KNEW I forgot something when I came here.

Firestorm: The weeping angel on your shoulder?

The Coon: Nope, just marshmellows.

------

Firestorm: I’m almost tempted to turn you into paper.

The Coon: Wait, what?

Firestorm: you’ve always looked better flat.

Vs. The Flash (Barry Allen)

The Coon: Would you believe I taught the New Kid how to be as fast as you?

The Flash: Yeah… I don’t think so.

The Coon: You wouldn’t be the first dumbass I surprised.

-------

The Flash: I came back to set things right.

The Coon: The Coon’s got this covered.

The Flash: “I said ‘set things right’ not make things worse” or “You make it so easy to hit you!”

Vs. Jay Garrick

Jay Garrick: The blind pursuit of power leads only to ruin.

The Coon: I wouldn’t call it a ‘blind persuit’.

Jay Garrick: If you’d let me, I could help you….

------

The Coon: Nice helmet, it’s mine now.

Jay Garrick: I think you’re getting ahead of yourself, Eric.

The Coon: Nah, I’m getting a new popcorn bowl.

Vs. Reverse-Flash

Reverse-Flash: If it isn't the freak of the week?

The Coon: (scoffs) Like you’re any better than me.

Reverse-Flash: (peeved over being mocked) I’ll enjoy bringing your corpse to your mom.

------

The Coon: (condescendingly) You’re looking a little pale, Thawne.

Reverse-Flash: You’re no legend, I should know….

The Coon: Maybe I’ll be one once I fillet you!

Vs. Gorilla Grodd

Gorilla Grodd: There's a place for you in the Society.

The Coon: What’s Kinny been telling you? I’m a hero!

Gorilla Grodd: Your fellow humans would disagree.

------

The Coon: Shouldn’t you be in a zoo?

Gorilla Grodd: Shouldn’t you be sitting on a couch fattening yourself?

The Coon: (grins) Well, suddenly I’m thinking your pelt would look sweet on my couch.

Vs. Green Arrow

The Coon: I saw you on the CW once.

Green Arrow: Excuse me?

The Coon: Just know I’ll say hi to Felicity for you….after I cut you!

------

Green Arrow: You sure this is your smartest play?

The Coon: The Coon’s got this covered.

Green Arrow: It’s okay, stupidity should be painful.

Vs. Green Lantern (Hal Jordan)

The Coon: So what the hell do you want?

Hal Jordon: I’m bringing you in, one way or another.

The Coon: The Coon’s gonna snuff out your light then!

------

Hal Jordan: Something funny?

The Coon: Two words; Ryan Reynolds.

Hal Jordan: Let the record show, you asked for it!

Vs. Green Lantern (John Stewart)

The Coon: Shouldn’t you be making jokes about the Republican Party?

John Stewart: Wrong John Stewart, kid.

The Coon: Damn, that was the only joke I had on you…

------

John Stewart: Cool off before this gets out of hand.

The Coon: You’re looking at a new take on superheroes!

John Stewart: We don’t need your ‘help’ Cartman.

Vs. Harley Quinn

The Coon: Well, if it isn’t the biggest insult to canon.

Harley Quinn: Try to make more sense, ‘kay, hun?

The Coon: Don’t worry, it won’t matter in a sec.

-----

Harley Quinn: Batman says you’re coming with me!

The Coon: What’s Kinny been telling you? I’m a hero!

Harley Quinn: Patient is clearly delusional.

Vs. The Joker

The Coon: What the hell? I was told you were dead!

The Joker: You’re not from around here either.

The Coon: Just means I can get away with shredding you.

------

The Joker: We have more in common than you’d care to admit.

The Coon: (surprisingly agrees) except I don’t see gain in nuking a city… unless it’s full of hippies.

The Joker: (surprised) huh… touché I guess…

-------

The Joker: Wow, Parent Chili… why haven’t I thought of that?

The Coon: Ya know, somehow your approval makes me sick.

The Joker: Oh don’t worry, I’m now pondering who to serve Coon-flavored meatloaf to….

Vs. Poison Ivy

The Coon: Tell you what, give up and I won’t set any forests ablaze.

Poison Ivy: what makes you think you’d get that chance, little boy?

The Coon: You wouldn’t be the first dumbass I surprised.

------

Poison Ivy: You’re too dangerous.

The Coon: (scoffs) Like you’re any better than me.

Poison Ivy: Young, dumb, and ready to die.

Vs. Robin

The Coon: Time I fight the king of sidekicks.

Robin: I don’t play sidekick or victim.

The Coon: “then you’ll be playing a corpse!” or “That attitude is why you’ll never be a good as yer daddy.”

------

The Coon: In a small way, you remind me of my student.

Robin: (scoffs) you have some wisdom to share?

The Coon: “(disgusted towards Damian) none that you deserve, ass-for-brains.” Or “You’re street-slime compared to Butthole.”

-------

Robin: Should I kill you, or cripple you?

The Coon: Better question is; should I cut off your arms, or your legs with your own sword?

Robin: And people moan about my ego….

Vs. Scarecrow

The Coon: Ya know, I’ve a history of scaring people too.

Scarecrow: And yet your efforts are driven by your own fears.

The Coon: I hear the same can be said for you, Crane!

------

Scarecrow: So many curious fears The Coon has…..

The Coon: (slightly nervous) Something tells me I made a mistake…

Scarecrow: You’ll experience them all at once!

Vs. Supergirl

The Coon: The Coon’s here to claw at injustice!

Supergirl: This sure is a funny way to show it.

The Coon: I hear your cousin might disagree.

-------

Supergirl: How can you hurt so many people?

The Coon: You’re looking at a new take on superheroes!

Supergirl: That’s not how it looks to me.

Vs. Power Girl

The Coon: Supergirl? How the hell did you grow that fast?

Power Girl: Nope, I'm Karen Starr of Earth-2.

The Coon: (groans) Now that’s not fair, at least not for me!

------

Power Girl: Time for me to do some pest control!

The Coon: The Coon will tear through you like garbage.

Power Girl: There’s gonna be a juvie cell with your name it, kid.

Vs. Superman

The Coon: Well, if it isn’t the biggest insult to canon.

Superman: Who are you to judge me?

The Coon: Someone who’ll be taking your job from you.

------

The Coon: I have kryptonite ring claws as a Gear option.

Superman: Or maybe you’re bluffing?

The Coon: You wouldn’t be the first dumbass I surprised.

------

Superman: Why are you on my earth?

The Coon: Why else? I’m here to seize Brainiac’s assets.

Superman: My fists have a better idea.

------

Superman: This won’t be a fair fight.

The Coon: I see health bars above us that say otherwise.

Superman: Forget I said anything….

Vs. Bizarro

The Coon: I was gonna claw your face, but looks like someone beat me to it.

Bizarro: Am you trying insult Bizarro?

The Coon: Ha! you’ll wish that was all I was doing.

------

Bizarro: Fluffy critter make good pillow.

The Coon: (slightly nervous) Something tells me I made a mistake…

Bizarro: Ah! Me must stuff you first!

Vs. Swamp Thing

The Coon: So I’m fighting a hippie monster. Sweet!

Swamp Thing: Your mockery is wasted, child.

The Coon: Ha! You’ll wish that was all I was doing.

-------

Swamp Thing: You have offended nature.

The Coon: The Coon will tear through you like garbage.

Swamp Thing: The Green will humble you.

Vs. Wonder Woman

The Coon: Prepare to get Cooned.

Wonder Woman: You face a goddess of war.

The Coon: Time to put Coon on top of the food chain.

------

Wonder Woman: You’ll hurt people if I let you go.

The Coon: (scoffs) Like you’re any better than me.

Wonder Woman: “This insult will not stand!” or “A shame you will die so young.”

Vs. Darkseid

The Coon: Prepare to get Cooned.

Darkseid: (dismissively) Let my parademons deal with this..

The Coon: You wouldn’t be the first dumbass I surprised.

------

Darkseid: Even by Earth's standards, you are pathetic.

The Coon: Ha! You don’t know me that well, do you?

Darkseid: Your vanity will be your undoing.

----

The Coon: Prepare to get Cooned.

Darkseid: You are challenging a god, fool.

The Coon: Sweet! Dibs on Apokolips if I win!

Vs. Red Hood

The Coon: I thought you’d be in favor of me clawing at crime.

Red Hood: I know you only fight for yourself, fatso.

The Coon: Just for that, I’ll be sending you to Batman in a pitcher!

--------

Red Hood: Now this is just bizarre!

The Coon: You’re looking at a new take on superheroes.

Red Hood: Maybe consider a new line of work.

Vs. Starfire

The Coon: So is there any chance I could join the Titans?

Starfire: I’m extending the offer to all the other Freedom Pals, but you’re not on the list, Coon.

The Coon: Just for that, I’ll be sending you to Batman in a pitcher!

-----

Starfire: How can you justify what you've done?

The Coon: “You’re looking at a new take on superheroes.” Or “Why else? I’m here to seize Brainiac’s assets.”

Starfire: Think. Where has materialism gotten you?

-----

The Coon: Okay! Where the hell did you take Butthole?

Starfire: The New Kid is with the Titans now, Eric.

The Coon: (angrily) MOTHERFUCKER!

Vs. Sub-Zero

The Coon: Okay! Where the hell did you take Butthole?

Sub-Zero: Dovahkiin is now a student of the Lin Kuei.

The Coon: I’ll just have to claw you into giving them back!

------

Sub-Zero: I now know the villain you truly are.

The Coon: What’s Kinny been telling you? I’m a hero!

Sub-Zero: For the safety of all, you will die.

------

The Coon: You’ll either be dead or crapping your pants when I’m done.

Sub-Zero: To think so demonstrates your ignorance.

The Coon: You wouldn’t be the first dumbass I surprised.

-----

Sub-Zero: Your former protégé told me of your crimes against them.

The Coon: What crimes?

Sub-Zero: “On their behalf, I’ll see you face justice.” Or “None of your deceptions will work on me.”

Vs. Black Manta

The Coon: Nice helmet, it’s mine now.

Black Manta: Assuming I don’t fry the fat off of you.

The Coon: Time to put Coon on top of the food chain.

------

Black Manta: You’re out of your element.

The Coon: The Coon will tear through you like garbage.

Black Manta: This is a waste of my time.

Vs. Raiden

The Coon: Okay! Where the hell did you take Butthole?

Raiden: Your former student is now training with the White Lotus.

The Coon: (angrily) MOTHERFUCKER!

------

Raiden: Your pretensions to honor do not fool me!

The Coon: You’re looking at a new take on superheroes.

Raiden: “Dovahkiin was wise to break from your influence!” or “To the Netherrealm with you!”

-------

The Coon: Make way for The Coon.

Raiden: The Elder Gods will stand against you.

The Coon: Time to put Coon on top of the food chain.

-------

Raiden: You are dirty beast befouling this realm!

The Coon: Uhhh…. you’re taking my raccoon theme a bit too literally, Raiden.

Raiden: Not even the Elder Gods can rehabilitate you!

Vs. Black Lightning

The Coon: The Coon’s here to claw at injustice!

Black Lightning: You're street slime with delusions of grandeur.

The Coon: Just for that, I’ll be sending you to Batman in a pitcher!

-------

Black Lightning: It’s a shame Mr. Garrison was a subpar teacher.

The Coon: You’ll get no argument from me, he’s always been an asshole.

Black Lightning: That’s why I fight ignorance.

------

Black Lightning: Ever regret the pain you cause?

The Coon: What’s Kinny been telling you? I’m a hero!

Black Lightning: “That’s what’s called an ‘alternative fact.’” Or “This time, you’re gonna listen.”

Vs. Hellboy

The Coon: Would you believe I once helped stop the apocalypse by swearing?

Hellboy: Yeah, I saw that movie. Liked you better on screen by the way.

The Coon: (surprised….) Wait… (….then excited) I got a movie?

----

Hellboy: Y'know, fighting kids isn't my thing.

The Coon: Now there’s a headline; “The Coon scares the devil!”

Hellboy: Geez what an ego……

Vs. Atom

The Coon: So it’s the Coon versus…. what exactly?

The Atom: Just a PhD candidate with a quantum bio-belt!

The Coon: (chuckles) Ever hear what usually happens to nerds who cross me?

-------

The Atom: At school, I never liked big bullies.

The Coon: What’s Kinny been telling you? I’m a hero!

The Atom: I have a Hulu subscription that’s told me otherwise.

Vs. Enchantress

The Coon: Now I’ve been hoping for a chance to kick your ass!

Enchantress: Quite adorable that you think you can win.

The Coon: Consider this payback for the suck-ass movie you appeared in.

------

Enchantress (June): Son of a.. this can’t be happening!

The Coon: ah ha! a chance to kill you before you transform!

Enchantress: Too little too late for that, little boy!

Vs. Leonardo

Leonardo: You’re rarely a fighter, Cartman, why would you come here?

The Coon: Why else? I’m here to seize Brainiac’s assets.

Leonardo: That just spells disaster for every Earth, even yours.

------

Leonardo: So tell me, what did the New Kid ever see in you?

The Coon: (grins with slight genuine sincerity) they saw someone who respected their potential. Not even their parents did that.

Leonardo: Bet they’d like training under Master Splinter better.

------

The Coon: You know, I’ve always wanted to try Turtle Soup.

Leonardo: You won’t flip this turtle on his shell.

The Coon: You wouldn’t be the first dumbass I surprised.

--------

The Coon: Ok, I KNOW you’re not from around here.

Leonardo: Just as much of a tourist as you are, dude.

The Coon: Just means I can get away with shredding you.

--------

Vs. Michelangelo

The Coon: You know, I’ve always wanted to try Turtle Soup.

Michelangelo: You’ll be rage-quitting in a heartbeat.

The Coon: Ha! Raph wishes he rages like I do!

--------

Michelangelo: Just so you know, I’ve played your games AND watched your show.

The Coon: Show? games? How come no one told me I had those?

Michelangelo: Let’s just say you’re gonna wish you were fighting Kenny.

---------

Vs. Raphael

The Coon: You know, I’ve always wanted to try Turtle Soup.

Raphael: Your head will crack before my shell does.

The Coon: Shredder’s got nothing on The Coon.

-------

Raphael: (chuckles) And people say I got anger issues

The Coon: The Coon will tear through you like garbage.

Raphael: I fought Purple Dragons who were tougher than you, Eric.

Vs. Donatello

The Coon: Never thought I’d go from watching you on TV to fighting you and your bros.

Donatello: Unlike coding, this’ll be easy.

The Coon: (chuckles) Ever hear what usually happens to nerds who cross me?

--------

Donatello: I’ve got a theory as to why you fight.

The Coon: Why else? I’m here to seize Brainiac’s assets.

Donatello: I can’t let that stand.

Mirror Match Intros

Player 1 Coon: Are you my parallel universe self?

Player 2 Coon: Maybe I am, and maybe I’m here to be a better teacher to the New Kid.

Player 1 Coon: Just means I can get away with shredding you.

------

Player 2 Coon: How the hell can there be two of us?

Player 1 Coon: I’m sure as hell not sharing Brainiac’s ship with you!

Player 2 Coon: Don’t worry, it won’t matter in a sec.

#Injustice 2 #injusticegodsamongus #south park #eric cartman #the coon #injustice 2 quotes #quotes

9 notes · View notes

redrobin-detective · 7 years

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Awesome jeesh, my heart Dick... how about some Bruce headcanons on realizing/reflecting on the ways he's been a crappy dad to all his kids and the ways they act distant/resigned/distrustful towards his behaviour? Bonus on his opinions on the effect Dick has onot the family when he'said in the patriarch role vs Bruce? Extra bonus on headcanons on how Bruce would try to fix things for each kid down the road.

Like okay, I love Bruce for being a very interesting complex character. I absolutely love and hate him at the same time for being so incredibly flawed and messing up with his kids all the fucking time. It’s terrible because damn Bruce, get it together but also I like having protagonists that are far from perfect and make mistakes that have me screaming because it feels real and interesting.

So the thing about Bruce is, he knows he’s an emotional fuck-up. He knew it before he took in any kids and he knew it after he had like 15 kids in his house. But B’s problem is that he loves so intensely and so strongly that he hates to see suffering. If he didn’t love the hell out of Gotham, he wouldn’t be doing what he does at Batman. So he certainly loves the hell out of his kids but he’s terrible at expressing it and in his attempt to avoid his bursting emotions, he makes things far worse both him and his kids.

The case with Dick, Bruce had no idea what the fuck he was doing. He’s in his early 20’s, no older than 25. He’s emotionally messed up, he’s been a vigilante in a goddamn batsuit for 1-3 years now, he knows if he doesn’t shape up he could go down a dark path. So he sees this tiny circus orphan and he sees the similarities between himself and he cannot let that go into social services. He wants to do everything in his power to help that boy but… he doesn’t know how. Luckily Dick is beautiful and made of sunshine and helps Bruce along. He’s patient and open and loving and puts up with B’s emotional constipation. He heals Bruce, makes him better (which is why he’s always been and always will be Bruce’s favorite, sorry but it’s true). But over time even Dick’s legendary patience wears thin and he demands more of Bruce: more love, more respect, more independence. And Bruce still can’t get over the fact that his smol bb is all grown and refuses to help Dick grow causing his first bird to angrily fly the nest. Once Dick is full grown as Nightwing, Bruce develops a respect for Dick as an adult and a fighter. But there’s still tension but he makes a greater effort to get along with Dick because he loves that kid so fucking much.

I’ve always said, terrible as it is, that Jason was chosen so quickly after Dick left bc Bruce missed the hell out of Dick. He missed his partner and his son, so when he sees a sassy kid stealing tired with maybe a passing resemblance to Dick, Bruce thought with his heart and took him in. Now it doesn’t take long before Bruce also is in so effing deep with Jason and would do anything for him. Jay is damaged, like him, so he thinks because fighting crime helped Bruce recover (lol u wild Broose) it will help jay. Really, really bad mistake. It made things worse with Jay and, coupled with Bruce’s normal emotional incompetence, led to Jason searching for his mom and getting himself killed. Bruce was… beyond devastated. His parents’ death nearly broke him but to lose a son… that’s a special kind of agony. Bruce closes in on himself, he’d opened himself to love and been burned so he decides never again. He basically cuts off all contact with Dick and immerses himself in his mission and his misery.

Then comes along good ole Timmy who is able to smack some sense into Bruce. He helps repair the relationship between him and Dick and gives bruce back some of his hope. But B is still angry and depressed and he makes it clear that Tim is a soldier, a partner, but never a son. Which is absolutely hilarious considering like 5 issues later Bruce is making heart eyes at Tim and nagging him to be careful and junk. So, like the others, Bruce falls hard for Tim but ignores it and absolutely will not allow himself to show affection for Tim. So on one hand, Tim and Bruce have the most stable partnership bc Tim is the compliant Robin who doesn’t demand anything from Bruce. on the other, it’s incredibly bad for both their emotional/mental health (Tim is a sad bean who needs love but can’t/won’t ask and Bruce isn’t allowing his Jason wounds to heal). But over time, Tim grows more confident and Bruce moves on little by little and things are better. BUT! B’s still a shit and he won’t let another kid die so he puts Tim through some brutal, emotional training to “make Tim better”. This shows that while Bruce does loves Tim like a son, he refuses to treat Tim as one putting Tim’s skill/safety above his mental/emotional health. We see this again and again, Tim is always the one who suffers because Bruce will shield Dick and Jay but Tim is tough and can ‘handle it’. News Flash, he can’t and you’re a dick.

Quickly on Cassie cause my fingers are hurting again. Bruce took in Cassandra, like Tim, only as a partner. She was insanely talented and he wanted her in his war on crime. But also, like with Jay, he’s thinking that punching criminals in the face will heal her like it did him (again, fucking wild man). He makes several comments like “she’s just like me, this is what she needs”. He honestly believes he’s doing right by her. But as they develop it gets complicated, Cass is trying to find life outside of fighting and Bruce is resistant at first. He wants her to be happy here, he doesn’t want her to grow beyond that. He’s also horrified to learn that Cass has killed before, not even caring she was forced to and was only like 6 at the time. He treated her like a weapon just like Cain did for awhile, it’s obvious to everyone else (including the readers) but not Cass. Babs slaps bruce around and he realizes his error. Cass is not him, she wants more from life than to be a fighter and while she may have killed, it was not her fault. From then on he tries to be better for her, not just as a teacher, but almost a father. He buys her presents, hugs her, lets her get an apartment in the city so she can really live. It’s still awkward cause it’s clear Bruce identifies so much with her and places a lot of what HE thinks SHE should do/feel onto her. Only after a bit does he begin to allow her to grow herself.

Now Damian comes along and it’s just kind of a disaster for awhile. For one, Damian’s a shit. Two, Bruce has become complacent because self-sacrificing Tim puts up with a lot of bullshit and is super compliant as Robin (Hint: Dami is not like that). When Damian doesn’t fall into line as expected, Bruce basically doesn’t want anything to do with the kid which is terrible. No Damian isn’t easy but he’s your fucking kid and he’s been brainwashed for 10 years?? Damian goes back between the LoA and the Manor until whoops B dies. Then god BLESS Dick Grayson for stepping up to the bat for Dami when literally no one else would. And lo and behold, Dick helps him become a better person/Robin. Now Bruce is back and is all 'Hey look, that kid is slightly more tolerable now, I think I’ll try and bond now’ which is annoying as shit but Damian relishes having his dad back. Luckily, Bruce has learned about kids a teeny bit so he actually does some good work with Damian and, again, he loves the fuck out of that kid. He continues to fuck up but, like Tim, he has low expectations of Bruce being available to him but, also like Jason, he really, really needed Bruce’s love. Luckily, B is working to be that dad for Damian so he can learn after all

#batman asks #this got way too long #TL:DR- Bruce loves his kids but is shit at showing it

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papersandkeyboards · 7 years

Text

4/10: Geek Out!

Pretty much half of April I spent outside of school—outside of Seattle, for that matter. I just spent a week away because of the AFS trip and right the week after that was spring break, and Karen and Eric got a major scheme planned precisely for the next week.

I only got one day after I got back from AFS trip to be spent in Seattle, before flying away again. And thanks to destiny and luck, Sunday is the last day of the thing I put on the top 10 of my exchange wish list: a comic convention.

Another reason to be grateful to be placed in a big city like Seattle. On my second visit to the comic book store near Seattle Central in the past, I asked the comic book store guy about any comic cons. He told me there was gonna be one here in Seattle, called Emerald City Comic Con. And he said it was quite famous, although, obviously, not as famous as the San Diego one.

Emerald City Comic Con was held from April 7-10. I nearly had a heart attack when I checked the guest list and found out that Danielle Panabaker (The Flash) was gonna be there. I would be depressed if I didn’t go. I also found out that my AFS trip was from April 2-9, thinking that I might fly home on the tenth, but I didn’t. It was a close call.

Next problem: someone to go with.

I wouldn’t mind going alone, but it will be much less lonely if I go with someone. I tried contacting my fellow Indonesian exchange students from all over Washington and even Oregon, but to no avail. Desperate, I did something I have never done before: literally put a desperate request for anyone to go with me. Like, anyone.

Ended up going with Gretar. Yaay. Turned out he had someone he was dying to see too. Booked the tickets for Sunday only, and got the pass shipped a couple weeks before the event.

So I have told you the story of my camera getting wet in Washington DC. The thing seemed to run out of battery just before I left for Comic Con, so I charged it for like five minutes. And it sure as shit did only work for five minutes before it died mysteriously. I only took one freaking picture of Washington State Convention Center, and now I had to carry this heavy not-working thing around. Uggggh.

So this is what a comic con looks like. An ocean of eccentric-dressing people as expected. A lot of Deadpools, jacked up ones and potbellied ones. Several Ms. Marvels. Some Batmen. Many over-the-top video games and Japanese anime characters. Lots of sexified characters, don’t matter if the characters were sexy or not in the first place. Saw a couple of real-life robotically moving R2D2. Many Reys. A couple Darth Vaders. One really pretty Princess Bubblegum (or whoever her name is, if I’m mistaken with her name). But of course, there were also a lot of people who are too lazy to dress up, like me. Having a t-shirt with four Deadpool faces on it definitely wasn’t a costume, but it was enough to express fashion contribution to the convention.

I also just discovered that a comic con was not merely a big room of exhibitions and souvenir stores. There was a whole big room for the guests autographing and photo-op, a whole floor for stores and online shops to sell comic books and shirts and action figures. The rest of the smaller rooms were used for talk sessions, like fandom meet-ups, comic-making classes, or discussions about different topics in comic books in particular or in general. The bottom floor was a family area, filled with exhibition from Lego and scheduled demonstration from Pacific Science Center.

A lot of interesting stuff happening. Yay. Though gotta admit I wasn’t that big of a geek since I didn’t recognize most of the stuff happening in the conference rooms.

Finally I got in line for an autograph and a picture with Danielle Panabaker and took it with Gretar’s phone camera after he got his picture with whoever actor he was in line for. Gotta admit, not the best quality, but it sure was something. Still numb from disbelief that I met Caitlin Snow in person for the next hour.

(mantap abis)

But I got another agenda. Aside from Danielle Panabaker, I also discovered that Raina Telgemeier, an illustrator/comic book artist, was having a talk at noon in one of the rooms. I honestly don’t know her other works, but from before I know she made these three comic books: “Smile”, “Sisters”, and “Drama”. The first two are based from her own real life experience. I didn’t even know why did I buy “Smile” years ago, but I found out that the way she wrote and illustrate it was really interesting and flowy and easy to follow. It’s one of those light books that doesn’t take that much concentration that you can read during break between other heavy books you may be reading.

I discovered the last two in Harper’s room, so I borrowed them from her and finished them in two days (one for each book—if I really put my mind into it I could finish them in a day). Since I’m not really fangirling for these books, I couldn’t really say I was dying to meet Raina Telgemeier. But I was pretty hyped to get a chance to see her.

Gretar and I split when the time for Raina Telgemeier came. As expected, the room was filled with rather little kids. Like, little kids. Elementary. Kids in princess costume and spiderman attire from the kids’ section in Target. Felt more like Halloween instead of Comic Con.

But no, I wasn’t the oldest one. There were several teenagers in the room, though.

After some waiting, she finally came up the podium in front of the room. She was as pretty as her picture in the back of the books. She talked through this podium on one side of the stage where a moderator would be if there were a panel inside the room. You know.

She talked about her books and her experience in writing her own experience and how she draws and other things. At one point, she picked two kids to join her in a reading session where she and the chosen kids read a few pages of her second book “Sisters”, which we could see the panels through the projector screen. She showed some comparisons between her childhood pictures and her illustrations in the book. At the end of the talk, before Q&A, she voluntarily drew from whatever random ideas the kids threw at her. I think it was someone eating an apple getting abducted by aliens in Boston commons or something.

It was fun. I asked a question during the Q&A, hehe. I don’t know, a little regret I had was maybe for not taking a picture with her. I just didn’t feel like it at the time. Stupid me. Oh well. I still got to see her. That’s what matters.

As I said before, turned out I wasn’t, obviously, a big geek as I thought. Maybe I am among my friends. But I was definitely no one in this sea of people who dedicated their time and sweat to make costumes and money to buy tickets for the whole four days of Comic Con and their comfort to look on fleek in their costumes for the whole day. I called Eric a few hours ago to bring me my white small camera, and he came some time in the afternoon, maybe around 2. I gave him my dead heavy camera, and Gretar and I split because he wanted to see Batman vs. Superman. I didn’t join him because a) I’ve heard what the critiques said, b) I’ve heard what Nate—someone in fourth period—ranted about the movie and how it was a bad one, and c) points a and b turned me off, supported by the fact that I wasn’t THAT huge of a DC fan to watch it eventhough people said it was bad.

So I stayed because I wanted to make my $35 worth it. I planned on going to Pacific Science Center’s last exhibition for the day, which was around 4ish, so I waited by exploring the whole building. Or more like the floors where they sell souvenirs and merchandise and all that stuff.

I was trying to be a better fangirl by trying to buy something. But most of them were either too expensive for such a simple design, or unavailable for my size. I almost bought this STAR Labs sweater which would be really cool if only they didn’t only have the size XL. sigh.

I ended up buying nothing. I suppose it’s good because I saved my money. Hehe.

Okay. Maybe not nothing. When I was trying to kill time before the science show, I walked a few blocks to the Central Library and made my Library Card. Then I walked a few more blocks back to the heart of downtown. I entered Old Navy.

The story behind this was that since the end of 2015, I’ve been eyeing this cardigan, which—bear with me—suits me really good, and my mom said it suits me really good, and it came from the maternity section. It was $25. Waiting for an opinion from my mom at the time, I left the store and decided to wait until I’m really sure.

So I came back in the beginning of 2016, and it was freaking $30. For some unknown reasons, I didn’t buy it. So this day, the day of Comic Con, I came back to see if mayyyyybe the price has gone down?

So I looked at the maternity section... only to find that them cardigans were replaced by tank tops.

I totally forgot that items in the store are seasonal. You can see here that I don’t shop much to know about this kind of stuff.

But I did spot one cardigan—the one I wanted—on the top rack, alone. I asked the store person and he said it was the last one. He took it down and it happen to be my size. And guess how much was it.

It was $3.28.

Hurrah!

I sure as shit bought it straight away.

Then I went back to the convention center, watched an exhibition show by Pacific Science Center about electricity or something, then, hoping I would have a question to ask but I didn’t, I went home.

All in all, although what happened wasn’t exactly like what I expected, but I am very extremely happy that I got one of my goals achieved. Kudos to fate for placing me in a big city like Seattle. I might be the biggest comic book geek in my environment back home, but I sure am the tiniest comic book geek in the convention, literally and figuratively. And the convention was way more than American comic books, as it reached farther out to American TV shows, cartoons, and Japanese anime. I wasn’t completely like a kid in a candy store to have all these geeky stuff I’d never got back home, but it definitely was worth it.

The only downside was probably the camera. The stupid camera. Correction—stupid me.

But why the hell should I focus on one low light when there were two high lights of the day: I got to go to a freaking Comic convention, AND unexpectedly got a piece of cardigan I’ve been eyeing for the past several months for a price lower than a lunch combo in KFC?

Hell yeah.

#langkahanakbangsa #comic con #eccc #fangirling life

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injusticetwofanportfolios · 7 years

Text

Hello, Everyone.

Hi there, I’ve been watched a lot of youtube footage for Injustice 2 and it’s got me thinking; “What if certain characters were guest fighters?”

So, just for fun, I’m gonna write some fan-made guest-fighter portfolios showing certain characters I add being given intro banter, clash quotes, arcade ending narrations, and so on.The only rules I will give myself is that I’ll only use characters from published media, so no fan characters. and I will personally only write portfolios on characters I know about. Oh, and when writing lines for the fighters already in Injustice 2, I will stick strictly with how those characters are portrayed in that game personality-wise.

If you have a character you’ve been fantasizing as being playable in Injustice 2, you may ask me if I have plans for writing about them or write a portfolio yourself and show it to me via the private message system.

Now, to start out, let’s go with Toriel from Undertale. Let’s see how this fire spell-flinging Goat Mom fares at being in a superhero fighting game. I’ll start with a hypothetical website bio and battle intros and add more later.

Edit: also, I may reblog some posts after updating them.

Toriel

“Even one death can be too many.”

After her people were freed from countless years of underground imprisonment. Former Monster Queen Toriel chose to simply live a quiet new life raising Frisk, the human child who helped free the Ebbot Monsters. But nothing could have prepared her for learning, to her horror, of humanity struggling to heal from the wounds left by the Regime’s tyranny. And when Brainiac’s invasion occurred just days after her people’s return. Toriel is determined to use her flame magic to keep both humans and monsters from suffering neither Superman’s tyranny nor Brainiac’s collection.

Battle Intros

1st and Third line animations: Toriel simply enters the stage and says her first line while an Undertale-style dialogue box opens reading “Toriel Blocks the way!”. After her opponent says the second line, the dialogue box closes up and Toriel says the third line.

2nd Line animation: Camera shows Toriel in the middle of calling someone on her cell phone, she hangs up after noticing her opponent and says her second line while pocketing her phone.

Vs. Aquaman

Toriel: I heard you hurt a lot of people when you joined Superman.

Aquaman: I won’t be judged for defending Atlantis.

Toriel: Then consider me on jury duty.

-------

Aquaman: You’re in a fight you don’t understand.

Toriel: Brainiac’s attacking Earth and the Regime’s still at large, should be enough reason for you to be in it.

Aquaman: You might think so.

--------

Toriel: You remind me of my ex, Aquaman.

Aquaman: But unlike Asgore, you can’t intimidate me.

Toriel: “Unlike you, Asgore’s trying to redeem himself.” Or “Yet you’ve been fearing Superman before we came to the surface.”

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Vs. Batman

Batman: Why should I trust you?

Toriel: Frisk wants what you want, and so do I, Batman.

Batman: We’ll see.

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Toriel: I’m not really comfortable with this, Batman.

Batman: I need to know what you can do.

Toriel: Then forgive me if I make this quick.

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Vs. Atrocitus

Atrocitus: Asgore’s mistakes still anger you.

Toriel: I won’t join you, Atrocitus.

Atrocitus: “Do not deny your rage!” or “you waste a precious resource!”

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Toriel: I may still be angry at Asgore, but my answer is still ‘no!’

Atrocitus: You would make a powerful Red Lantern.

Toriel: I decide what to do with my rage, not you!

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Vs. Bane

Bane: I expect Mount Ebbot has strengthened you.

Toriel: I find that hard to believe, Bane.

Bane: Prison forged me into a god among men.

-------------

Toriel: What a miserable creature.

Bane: I’m actually quite content, cabra.

Toriel: Batman has my sympathies for putting up with you.

Vs. Black Adam

Black Adam: You abandoned your species.

Toriel: I left Asgore to protect any humans who fell.

Black Adam: Yet the fact you’re out here tells me you failed even there.

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Toriel: I can’t ignore the blood on your hands.

Black Adam: You’re no match for a god.

Toriel: Shu’s Stamina can’t protect your soul, Adam.

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Vs. Black Canary

Black Canary: So, how’s Frisk?

Toriel: They’re alright, How’s Connor?

Black Canary: Being a good little hatchling for the sitter.

--------------

Black Canary: It’s a look, I’ll give you that.

Toriel: I’m not sure I’d look good in spandex anyway.

Black Canary: Point taken

--------------

Toriel: Batman insisted we practice.

Black Canary: I've got a list of things to teach you.

Toriel: By all means, Dinah, teach me.

--------------

Vs. Blue Beetle

Blue Beetle: Shall we duel, your highness?

Toriel: Technically, I’m no one’s queen anymore, Jaime.

Blue Beetle: That’s a shame, I’ve only heard good things about you.

--------------

Toriel: I don’t like having to fight, least of all having to fight children.

Blue Beetle: Hey! I’m old enough to drive!

Toriel: Somehow, that’s not helping.

------------

Vs. Brainiac

Toriel: Your pointless cruelty ends today.

Brainiac: Your power cannot touch me.

Toriel: My magic only needs to ‘touch’ your soul.

---------------

Brainiac: You fail to see mercy in being collected.

Toriel: To my people, it would only be like Mount Ebbot all over again.

Brainiac: But I bring deliverance.

----------------

Vs. Captain Cold

Toriel: I’ve lost loved ones too..

Captain Cold: Don’t give me your sob story.

Toriel: Why not? You’re using yours to justify siding with Grodd.

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Captain Cold: Fire and ice…

Toriel: At this point I’m tempted to melt that gun.

Captain Cold: Maybe I’ll freeze your hands before that happens

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Vs. Mr. Freeze

Toriel: Can’t you see the harm you’re causing?

Mr. Freeze: What I do, I do for Nora.

Toriel: You think she’d want this from you?

---------------

Mr. Freeze: Could your magic cure Nora’s illness?

Toriel: I’m sorry Victor, it won’t on her condition.

Mr. Freeze: Then you are of no use to me.

----------------

Vs. Catwoman

Toriel: So you’re working for Batman now?

Catwoman: Everyone deserves a second chance.

Toriel: (skeptical) I hear this is technically your third chance, Selina.

-----------------

Catwoman: I only take from people who can afford it.

Toriel: Batman and the police seem to think otherwise.

Catwoman: Well, I guess even you can’t argue with Batman.

---------------

Vs. Cheetah

Toriel: What a miserable creature.

Cheetah: (scoffs) I don’t need your pity, Toriel.

Toriel: Know that you’re getting it anyway, Cheetah.

-------------

Cheetah: I hear Frisk is challenging prey.

Toriel: I promise you won’t get to find out.

Cheetah: Then I promise your dust will coat my fur.

Vs. Vixen

Toriel: So Vixen, do Ebbot Monsters count as in The Red?

Vixen: I can’t tap into your power with the totem, but yes.

Toriel: In a small way, I find that comforting.

------------

Vixen: Save the really hot stuff for bad guys, okay?

Toriel: I don’t use more fire than I need to.

Vixen: Should make for one hell of a fight.

Vs. Cyborg

Cyborg: You’re a couple of revs out of date.

Toriel: Jokes about my age? That’s almost disappointing.

Cyborg: you won’t feel that way in a second.

---------------

Toriel: Think of it as your rehabilitation, Victor.

Cyborg: I’ll never get over Metropolis.

Toriel: There are better ways to deal with grief.

------------

Cyborg: This ain’t even your fight, Toriel.

Toriel: I’m here to get you to break off this Regime.

Cyborg: Hell freakin’ no!

Vs. Grid

Toriel: Why are you here?

Grid: In destroying you, perhaps I will gain emotion.

Toriel: Some people who murder tend to lose emotion, Grid.

--------------

Grid: Your magic gives you control over the field of battle.

Toriel: Perhaps you could say I give new meaning to a ‘scorched earth’ response? Heh?

Grid: I wish I could be amused by that line.

Vs. Deadshot

Toriel: Is someone hiring you to try to kill Frisk?

Deadshot: Sorry, Assassin/Client privilege.

Toriel: (Glares) I’ll personally see that you and your client give Frisk an apology.

-----------

Deadshot: I’ve never hunted goats before.

Toriel: Not sure you’d want to want to hunt one that shoots fire.

Deadshot: Eh, I’ll try anything once.

-----------

Deadshot: Think you’d scream like a goat if I shoot you?

Toriel: I have absolutely no desire to find out, Mr. Lawton.

Deadshot: Now I gotta know.

Vs. Doctor Fate

Toriel: What can you tell me about the fate of my people?

Doctor Fate: You will share the same fate as humanity.

Toriel: Well, at least I know no one’s sealing us in a mountain again.

-------------

Doctor Fate: your children defied fate to free your people.

Toriel: ‘children’? You mean it wasn’t just Frisk who breached that barrier? What are you talking about?

Doctor Fate: I already said too much…

Vs. Firestorm

Firestorm: Magic vs Science, the ultimate showdown.

Toriel: More like fighting fire with fire.

Firestorm: Let’s see which of us burns hotter.

----------

Toriel: So what’s it like for the two of you to share a body?

Firestorm: It’s like thinking in stereo.

Toriel: I’m not positive, but I think I know someone similar….

Vs. The Flash (Barry Allen)

Toriel: Batman insisted we practice.

The Flash: Can’t run from a fight, can I?

Toriel: There’s no shame if there are better options, Barry.

----------

The Flash: I gonna say, I’m amazed at what Frisk has done.

Toriel: I’m sure they’ll be happy when I tell them you said that.

The Flash: After this bout, I might save you the walk home.

---------

The Flash: Think you’re fast enough?

Toriel: We both know ‘slower’ opponents have hit you before.

The Flash: Can you be intimidated? Just this once?

Vs. Jay Garrick

Jay Garrick: This old timer could teach you some things.

Toriel: I’m much older than I look, Mr. Garrick.

Jay Garrick: Then let’s see what you got to show for it.

------------

Toriel: So you rely on speed? Not much else?

Jay Garrick: This’ll be over quick, chum.

Toriel: Even Frisk needed more than speed to get past me.

Vs. Reverse Flash

Toriel: Your pointless cruelty ends today

Reverse Flash: Tormenting people serves a purpose.

Toriel: “Then I think I’ll enjoy seeing that ‘purpose’ reduced to ash.” Or “The line won’t fly with any judge, Thawne.”

-------------

Reverse Flash: Even in my future you monsters have been a pebble in my boot.

Toriel: I’m guessing you’re here to wipe us out?

Reverse Flash: It’ll be a small comfort for being stuck in the past.

Vs. Gorilla Grodd

Gorilla Grodd: Humans must disgust you.

Toriel: If they did, why would I adopt Frisk?

Gorilla Grodd: They’d serve better as a slave than your ward.

-----------

Toriel: I can’t ignore the blood on your hands.

Gorilla Grodd: Man has oppressed apes for centuries.

Toriel: Apes hardly fare better with you around, Grodd.

Vs. Green Arrow

Green Arrow: I left my universe for this?

Toriel: I’m guessing you don’t have monsters where you’re from?

Green Arrow: At least not of the cuddly pun-loving type.

----------

Toriel: Your choice of weaponry is most curious, Oliver.

Green Arrow: I know where to place my shots.

Toriel: I’ll just have to keep my guard up, then.

----------

Toriel: Your choice of weaponry is most curious, Oliver.

Green Arrow: Dinah thinks my weapon is just fine.

Toriel:Then unlike your foes, I’ll trust her judgement.

Vs. Green Lantern (Hal Jordan)

Toriel: Batman insisted we practice

Hal Jordan: Here to see the master at work?

Toriel: More like ready to put you through… the ringer (giggles slightly)

------------

Hal Jordan: I guess you heard; Guardians want Frisk as a Green Lantern.

Toriel: You can tell the Guardians Frisk’s mother said ‘no’.

Hal Jordan: Pretty much the reception I expected.

Vs. Green Lantern (John Stewart)

Toriel: It suddenly occurs to me I rarely see professionals as superheroes.

John Stewart: You ain’t exactly a seasoned crime-fighter yourself.

Toriel: Fair point…

-------------

John Stewart: Where did you come from?

Toriel: My people were sealed underground for millennia.

John Stewart: I’m almost afraid to ask why…

-------------

John Stewart: Frisk would make an excellent Green Lantern, Toriel.

Toriel: You can tell the Guardians Frisk’s mother said ‘no’.

John Stewart: That’s gonna be a problem….

Vs. Harley Quinn

Harley Quinn: Hey good lookin’!

Toriel: Surely you could go for better than an old goat like me..

Harley Quinn: Learn how to take a compliment, sweetie!

-----------

Toriel: Batman insisted we practice.

Harley Quinn: How about slaps and tickles in ten paces?

Toriel: (nervous laughter) hehe.. interesting idea, I think?

----------

Harley Quinn: I’m workin’ for Batman now!

Toriel: No need to convince me, Quinn, I already trust you more than Diana.

Harley Quinn: Hah! Makes me wish she heard that!

Vs. The Joker

Toriel: What a miserable creature..

Joker: Could you be any more melodramatic?

Toriel: I’d take it over your sick jokes any day.

-----------

Joker: That’s quite the petting zoo you live in.

Toriel: Except you can’t afford the price of admission.

Joker: How adorably misinformed…

-------

Vs. Poison Ivy

Poison Ivy: I know about Flowey.

Toriel: Whatever you’re planning with him, I won’t allow it.

Poison Ivy: You don’t have a choice in the matter.

-----------

Toriel: I can’t ignore the blood on your hands

Poison Ivy: The Green must be restored.

Toriel: Batman has my sympathies for putting up with you.

------

Vs. Robin

Toriel: Care to justify betraying your father and his code?

Robin: Because he’s spectacularly wrong!

Toriel: And what if you might be wrong?

---------

Robin: You’re burning the wrong bridges.

Toriel: I’ll burn more than that if it keeps the Regime down.

Robin: Not as long as I’m around.

---------

Toriel: So what kind of mother was Talia?

Robin: No woman could surpass her.

Toriel: I wager it’ll be easy to best her in disciplining you!

--------

Vs. Scarecrow

Scarecrow: The humans you failed to protect still haunt you?

Toriel: I can’t dishonor them by lying, so yes, Scarecrow.

Scarecrow: I can work with that….

----------

Toriel: (coughs from accidentally inhaling fear gas) What…. is this…?

Scarecrow: Welcome to your nightmares made real!

Toriel: Then forgive me if I make this quick.

Vs. Supergirl

Toriel: Kara… your name sounds similar to the first human I adopted.

Supergirl: That a problem?

Toriel: Let’s just say I’ll try to keep this professional.

---------

Supergirl: I’m still learning my way around.

Toriel: Then we have that in common at least.

Supergirl: Let’s see what else we have in common.

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Supergirl: So you monsters attacked Frisk, then adopted them?

Toriel: We already resolved that problem, Supergirl.

Supergirl: I’ll be the judge of that.

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Supergirl: So you monsters attacked Frisk, then adopted them?

Toriel: Didn’t your cousin declare war on the planet that adopted him?

Supergirl: Kal didn’t set the best example….

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Toriel: If you want, I can take you in, Kara.

Supergirl: Thanks, but the Kents already volunteered.

Toriel: That’s a pity, Frisk would’ve liked having you around.

Vs. Power Girl

Toriel: (distracted) That outfit… is most.. interesting……

Power Girl: Eyes up here!

Toriel: I messed this up, didn’t I?

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Power Girl: What Earth did they snatch you from?

Toriel: My people were sealed underground for millennia.

Power Girl: Aren’t we a couple of misfits?

Vs. Superman

Toriel: So you must be Superman

Superman: You sound disappointed.

Toriel: Frisk told me you used to be better than this.

------------

Toriel: You still have much to answer for.

Superman: Who are you to judge me?

Toriel: A mother of a child whose heart you broke!

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Superman: I took one life to save millions

Toriel: Even one death can be too much, your Regime is proof of that.

Superman: Do you even know who I killed?

----------

Superman: I took one life to save millions.

Toriel: Care to explain your attacks on Gotham and Metropolis then?

Superman: (voice gradually trails off to suggest doubt) I needed to stop insurrection….

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Toriel: You made a mistake killing the Joker.

Superman: I did it for Lois!

Toriel: “And look what you’ve turn into!” or “That same rage nearly made Asgore like you.”

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Superman: Your magic doesn’t frighten me.

Toriel: Keep up that thinking, and you’ve already lost.

Superman: (condescending tone) Is that so?

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Toriel: I look at you and suddenly think I’ve been too hard on Asgore.

Superman: What give you that idea?

Toriel: Unlike you, Asgore’s trying to redeem himself.

Vs. Bizarro

Bizarro: You Bizarro new worst friend!

Toriel: (tries to imitate Bizarro’s speech) Uh… Me dishonestly prefer being new best enemy?

Bizarro: Bizarro-vision make you happy!

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Toriel: I’m not sure how to deal with you.

Bizarro: Me fight for lies, injustice, a-merry-can way.

Toriel: Talking like that is just one reason you’re hard to help, Bizarro.

Vs. Swamp Thing

Toriel: You’ve got to let us monsters rebuild, Swamp Thing.

Swamp Thing: Not at the expense of the soil.

Toriel: “Then know you’ve left me little choice” or “Frisk told me you were a compromiser!”

---------

Toriel: I thought all monsters were sealed in Mt. Ebbot.

Swamp Thing: I’m of no relation to your people.

Toriel: Guess I should’ve figured as much.

---------

Swamp Thing: Keep your distance from me.

Toriel: Something the matter?

Swamp Thing: Fire is no friend of mine.

Vs. Wonder Woman

Toriel: Hippolyta desired peace for the world.

Wonder Woman: As does her daughter.

Toriel: On her behalf, I’ll reteach you what you’ve forgotten.

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Toriel: Frisk used to be a big fan of yours, Wonder Woman.

Wonder Woman: ‘Was’ a big fan?

Toriel: You disappointed them when you lost your way.

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Wonder Woman: You’d be wise to surrender.

Toriel: (incredulous) Does it look like I care what you think?

Wonder Woman: You’ll care when I make Frisk kneel before Kal.

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Wonder Woman: The Regime created peace.

Toriel: Humanity living in fear is NOT peace!

Wonder Woman: You’ll learn to see it our way.

---------

Toriel: You betrayed humanity AND Frisk’s faith in you, Diana.

Wonder Woman: Would it be so hard to trust us again?

Toriel: Forsake the Regime if you want to talk trust.

Vs. Darkseid

Toriel: Are you here to hurt Frisk?

Darkseid: Whatever I can’t control, I must destroy.

Toriel: (in a low, yet angry tone) Then I’ll see you endure achieving neither, Darkseid.

-----------

Darkseid: I will break you for Granny Goodness.

Toriel: My fire has other ideas.

Darkseid: Mine is the fire that forges stars.

Vs. Red Hood

Toriel: You’ve been walking a very dark path, Jason.

Red Hood: I’m the cure for a sick, sad world!

Toriel: You sure it’s not the Lazarus talking?

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Red Hood: Ra’s Al Ghul saved my life.

Toriel: I suspect Ra’s sees you as a pawn.

Red Hood: Not on my watch.

Vs. Starfire

Toriel: I don’t like having to fight, least of all having to fight children.

Starfire: I think we both know reluctance won’t help with this fight.

Toriel: Then forgive me if I make this quick.

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Starfire: You know, I think Papyrus and Frisk would make good Titans.

Toriel: That’s kind of you to say, Starfire, but I should still say ‘No.’

Starfire: You’re not the first mother to say ‘no’ to Titans, Toriel.

Vs. Sub-Zero

Sub-Zero: The Lin Kwei would benefit from your powers.

Toriel: I somehow find that insulting.

Sub-Zero: You misunderstand my intentions.

------------

Toriel: Fair warning, my fire magic can hurt your soul.

Sub-Zero: It will be met with unrelenting cold.

Toriel: Then forgive me if I make this quick.

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Toriel: I can’t ignore the blood on your hands.

Sub-Zero: Only bloodshed will save this realm.

Toriel: “The Regime already proved folly in that line of thinking” or “Just ask Frisk, there are always better options.”

Vs. Black Manta

Black Manta: What the hell do you want?

Toriel: After seeing the people you’ve harmed, what do you think?

Black Manta: I think you just dug your own grave.

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Toriel: I’ve lost loved ones too.

Black Manta: I buried my heart with my father.

Toriel: There are better ways to deal with grief.

Vs. Raiden

Toriel: Seems now we both bear the burden of protecting our worlds

Raiden: It is a burden few are fit to carry.

Toriel: For Frisk’s sake I’ll bear it as long as I have to.

-----

Raiden: I sense great power within you.

Toriel: Power I intend to use to keep Earth out of both Brainiac’s and Superman’s hands.

Raiden: You require training to defend it.

Vs. Black Lightning

Black Lightning: We’re both teachers and parents, Toriel.

Toriel: And if what I’ve been doing is any indicator, we’re technically both superheroes.

Black Lightning: What else do we have in common?

-----

Toriel: Batman insisted we practice.

Black Lightning: Can’t pass up a chance to learn.

Toriel: “True, even teachers should know when to be students” or “I know I shouldn’t either, Black Lightning.”

Vs. Hellboy

Toriel: Did the B.P.R.D. send you after me?

Hellboy: Gotta do what I gotta do, pal.

Toriel: Then know you’ve left me little choice...

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Hellboy: How do you plan to beat me, lady?

Toriel: Simple, is your soul fireproof?

Hellboy: Guess we’ll see about that.

------

Hellboy: You should meet my friend, Liz.

Toriel: She from the B.P.R.D too?

Hellboy: You’d love her, she’s a real fire-starter.

-------

Toriel: You’ve lived peacefully among humans, yet you feel like an outsider?

Hellboy: Never been sure where I belonged.

Toriel: Perhaps you can find a home among my people, Hellboy.

Vs. Atom

Toriel: (half-jokingly) I’ve got a ‘small’ thesis i want to test, Dr. Choi.

Atom: (chuckles slightly) And what might that be?

Toriel: That I can track your soul even when it’s sub-atomic.

-------

Atom: Fighting is easy if you know physics.

Toriel: Never thought about that, but it does make sense.

Atom: Allow me to demonstrate, Toriel.

Vs. Enchantress

Toriel: Release June before I make you do so!

Enchantress: Would you rather be my new vessel, Toriel?

Toriel: Even if I lose, you‘ll only get a pile of dust for your trouble.

-----

Enchantress (June): I can’t help it, she has to be let out!

Toriel: (in a resassuring tone) Stay calm June, I can get you out of this.

Enchantress: Okay hero, let’s play ‘save the world’.

Vs. Leonardo

Toriel: So where are you from, exactly?

Leonardo: The New York of a different Earth, why?

Toriel: Just wanted to know if you were a monster or not.

---------

Toriel: Batman insisted we practice.

Leonardo: Sparring always starts on time.

Toriel: (slightly reluctant) Some of us are less accustomed to this than others, Leonardo.

---------

Leonardo: I’m guessing you’re a mutant too?

Toriel: My people were born from magic, not mutation.

Leonardo: That’s a new one...

Vs. Michelangelo

Toriel: I can safely say I didn’t see this coming.

Michelangelo: Think it’s time to reboot your console.

Toriel: Whatever that’s supposed to mean...

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Michelangelo: Let’s skip this, I’m starving.

Toriel: Tell you what, I’ll bake you a pie after this bout.

Michelangelo: Sounds awesome! count me in!

Vs. Raphael

Toriel: Need anything before this bout, Raphael? a talking to? a slice of pie, perhaps?

Raphael: I’m complicated, alright? lay off me!

Toriel: How curious, Chara once said the same thing....

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Raphael: New York pizza is the best, am I right?

Toriel: (teasingly) I don’t know, Frisk always told me I make the best pies.

Raphael: You’re definitely gonna have to show me and my bros!

Vs. Donatello

Toriel: I can safely say I didn’t see this coming.

Donatello: Or maybe you’re sleeping off a pizza coma?

Toriel: If so, I’m not letting Undyne pay for dinner at Supah Salty again.

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Donatello: How are you engineering a win?

Toriel: Simple, is your soul fireproof?

Donatello: Seriously miscalculated that one...

Mirror Match Intros

Player 1 Toriel: I can safely say I didn’t see this coming.

Player 2 Toriel: This whole multiverse thing does feel surreal, doesn’t it?

Player 1 Toriel: Just looking at you feels hard to wrap my head around.

-------

Player 2 Toriel: Need any help with Frisk?

Player 1 Toriel: Don’t you have your own Frisk to look after?

Player 2 Toriel: Yes, but I think they can have a duplicate for a friend…

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Player 1 Toriel: So, what’s different in your universe?

Player 2 Toriel: No Mount Ebbot, and I’m raising a teenager named Kris.

Player 1 Toriel: Now I’ve got to know more.

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