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adamwatchesmovies · 1 year

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Vampires Suck (2010)

While I didn't enjoy this film, that doesn't mean you won't. No matter what I say, the people involved in this project did it: they actually made a movie. That's something to be applauded. With that established...

While Vampires Suck is an improvement over Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer's previous collaborations, this almost makes it worse. There are legitimately funny moments sprinkled here and there in this “Twilight” parody but just when your hopes begin to rise just a little bit, you’re hit with a deluge of groan-inducing pop-culture references, juvenile gags, unimaginative would-be jokes and farts.

Becca Crane (Jenn Proske, doing a good job lampooning Kristen Stewart’s character) moves to Sporks to live with her father, Sheriff Frank (Diedrich Bader). At school, she meets and is immediately smitten by Edward Sullen (Matt Lanter) whom she slowly (very slowly) deduces is a vampire. When he admits his affection for her, they try to build a relationship but how could a blood-sucking monster love a teenage girl?

In the above summary, you can spot one clever touch from the pair responsible for such 0-zero gems as Epic Movie and Meet the Spartans. “Edward Sullen” is pretty spot-on. “Becca Crane”? Not so much. At least it isn’t flat-out unfunny like so many of the film's torturously long scenes. If the film constantly found new ways to be bad it might be entertaining in a demented way, but that threshold is never reached. Most often, the jokes we get are the most obvious you could’ve made. It's as if the writer/directors committed to making the movie without any decent ideas, which is why Vampires Suck gets distracted from its subject matter and instead subjects us to people pretending to be the cast of Jersey Shore, Lady Gaga in a weird costume, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (at least that one's appropriate) and more. Of course, the directors assume you’re an idiot so every joke is spelled-out for you. If you have to explain why it’s funny… it probably isn’t funny.

If all the worthwhile moments in Vampires Suck were stitched together, you’d probably get about 5-minutes’ worth of footage - that's rounding up. It’s a testament to the true incompetence of the filmmakers because the movie doesn’t even parody the entire Twilight series. It stops at Eclipse (which was released the same year) and for this, there’s no excuse. Say what you will about the films based on Stephenie Meyer’s series. I’ve heard people make compelling arguments for the first one and I’ll take it over Fallen, After, Beastly, Red Riding Hood, and the other imitators. Even the most hardcore Twihards must admit what happens in Breaking Dawn is so utterly bizarre it naturally lends itself to jokes. The books were already out when this film was being made. There’s no reason for this spoof NOT to cover what would’ve taken place after Eclipse but instead, we get a non-ending. Were they expecting us to sit through another one of these? @$#%# me.

When your parody of the movie isn’t even as funny as the original, you’ve got problems. Do you want some laughs? Here’s what I recommend you do. Watch the original Twilight and then, do some digging. There’s a little-known, super-cheap, thoroughly incompetently-made knockoff called The Last Vampire on Earth. Watching those two films back-to-back brought my friends and me to tears. As for Vampires Suck, I laughed at Magicwandos' song My Panties but not much else. (On DVD, August 2, 2019)

#Vampires Suck #movies #films #movie reviews #film reviews #Twilight #Jason Friedberg #Aaron Seltzer #Jenn Proske #Matt Lanter #Chris Riggi #Ken Jeong #2010 movies #2010 films

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cinefilesreviews · 2 years

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The Friedberg-Seltzer Massacre: Vampires Suck (2010), The Starving Games (2013)

This is the fifth installment in “The Friedberg-Seltzer Massacre: How Two Men Single-Handedly Destroyed the Parody Genre.” In this penultimate installment, we will examine two of the late career parodies of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer: Vampires Suck and The Starving Games. As I see it, Friedberg and Seltzer’s career can be separated into two distinct phases. There are two reasons why I…

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#2010 #2013 #2015 #Aaron Seltzer #Jason Friedberg #movie review #parody #The Starving Games #Vampires Suck #worst movies

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super-cosmic-library · 11 months

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loosely based on this post

tw: mentions of blood

Look, everyone had gone through a vampire phase. One Mrs. Stephanie Meyer had a heavy hand in that. And even if one had somehow managed to skirt the whole Twilight saga, there were a litany of other vampire books/tv shows/movies that came in its wake. Almost everyone in the 2010s wanted a vampire boyfriend. Even Robin, whose taste veered toward the more extraterrestrial side of paranormal fiction, had confided in Steve that she wouldn’t mind having an undead, blood sucking vampire girlfriend.

All in all, Steve didn’t get it. Why did nearly all of the girls in his grade fawn over the idea of getting with someone older than their great grandfathers? It was gross. Not to mention the fact that vampires didn’t have blood, so how would they even be able to get it up in the bedroom?

The whole mess baffled him to no end, and he was grateful when its popularity died down. He didn’t know if he would be able to take listening to Max and El giggling over Edward What’s-his-face.

His relief, however, was short lived. Just as the kids he baby sat started to enter high school, the Twilight saga had a resurgence of popularity all thanks to TikTok. Only this time, he didn’t just have to hear it from the girls. Max and El had gotten Lucas and Will to watch the movies with them, which led to them reading the girls’ copies of the books. And, look, Lucas he understood. When Steve was in high school, he would have done anything to please Nancy. (Luckily, she had been more interested in the rising popularity of the dystopian genre. He had thoroughly enjoyed listening to the Hunger Games series on audiobook.) But Will? Even if he was just doing it to bond with his sister, Steve thought the boy had more taste than that.

And when Lucas and Will became obsessed with it, so did Mike and Dustin. Again, Steve understood Mike, even though unlike Lucas, he was totally oblivious to his crush on Will. But Dustin? As far as Steve was aware, Suzie wasn’t allowed to read the series, even though the creator was also Mormon.

At least Erica was still at the age where she turned her nose up at any hint of romance.

But, you know, it wouldn’t be such a big deal if the kids obsession with vampires contained itself to the fictional world. He could deal with it better if it did. If then, they might be able to talk about other topics of interest. Hell, Steve would give anything to listen to the boys ramble all day long about their Dungeons and Dorks game. But Steve wasn’t so lucky.

Because while he loved the kids’ strong, creative imaginations, it meant that sometimes their fictional obsessions would spill over into the real world. And that. That was what he was really fed up with.

“I swear, it’s him,” Dustin nearly shouted over the other boys. “Same name. Same exact hair. He’s a vampire.”

Steve restrained a groan as he looked up from the dishes to see Dustin, Lucas, Will, and Mike at the dining table crowded around what appeared to be a high school yearbook.

“He can’t be!” Thank god, Mike was being the voice of reason. (Something Steve never thought he would be.) “I’ve seen him walk to his van in the sun, and he was totally fine. Also, on spaghetti day in the cafeteria, he ate, like, three slices of garlic bread!”

Steve had thought too soon.

“Then how do you explain this?” Dustin asked, gesturing to the page.

“Maybe it’s someone he’s related to?” Will offered.

“I don’t know,” Lucas said. “The resemblance is uncanny.”

Curiosity got the best of Steve. What could he say? Even if he hated this whole vampire thing, he enjoyed the weird little adventures his kids went on. Steve didn’t have many friends growing up. Hell, aside from Robin, he didn’t have many friends now. At least, friends his own age. It made his heart warm, seeing all of them getting to be a bunch of idiot children together.

But they didn’t need to know that.

“What are you little shits looking at?” He slung the dish towel he had been using to dry the flatware with over his shoulder, and made his way over to the table.

“Steve, we think our new DM is a vampire!” Dustin announced excitedly.

Steve put his hands on his hips (his signature mom pose, according to the kids), and rolled his eyes. “Vampires aren’t real.”

He didn’t say it to dull the kid’s enthusiasm. If anything, antagonization was their form of love language. Plus, Dustin always took the discouragement as a challenge to double down on whatever stance he took. Steve had to admire the kid for his confidence in himself. He knew first hand how easily that could be stripped away.

“Then how do you explain this?” Dustin slid the yearbook over for him to look at, pointing at the man in question. “He’s been in high school for years.”

Steve glanced down at the page. “Oh, Eddie Munson? He was in some of my classes last year. He was held back twice; though, that may have been because he almost never showed up to class. But that doesn’t mean he’s a vampire.”

“This is an old yearbook, though,” Lucas countered.

“If last year is old, then how ancient do you think I am?” Steve snipped. He pointed to the class picture that captured his likeness. “Look, there’s me. Does that mean I’m a vampire?”

“Steve, this isn’t your yearbook.” Dustin held the cover of the book up for Steve to read. There on the cover, in green and gold, were the words “Class of 1985.”

“What?” He snatched the yearbook from him, and flipped back to the page they had been studying. “No, that’s . . .”

He trailed off. Yes, that picture had captured his likeness; however, it was his father’s name that was written underneath. His father, who he was apparently the spitting image of.

“Maybe it’s his dad,” Steve tried, flipping through the pages. “Or his uncle. Doesn’t he live with his uncle?”

“We already checked the rest of it.” Mike snatched the book away from him. “He’s the only Munson in there.”

“His dad and his uncle could have not been in high school together,” Will countered.

“Thank you for being the only reasonable person here.”

Will blushed at Steve’s praise.

“I am telling you,” Dustin trudged on. “Eddie Munson is a vampire. And we’re going to prove it.”

~~~

Proving it ended up being more challenging than the boys had thought. As Mike had already proved, Eddie had no aversion to garlic or the sun. Crosses, Lucas pointed out, had no affect on him either, seeing as he wore one on his ring. So there went that theory. Dustin had even followed him into the bathroom one day to see if Eddie had a reflection in the mirror. He ended up having two Eddies stare at him like he was a creep.

Either none of the stereotypes were true, or--and Dustin was loathe to admit it--Steve was right.

There was still one more thing they could try.

“I don’t think this is a good idea,” Lucas said.

Dustin huffed. “Well, do you have any better plans? Because the only thing we haven’t tried yet is a stake to the heart, which is a dumb thing to begin with because that could kill anyone.”

“What about holy water?”

“And how are you going to get a priest to agree to bless a bottle of water?” Mike asked.

“My pastor might do it,” Lucas said.

“Let’s just try this first,” Dustin said. “And if it doesn’t work, you can call your pastor.”

The plan was simple, really. While they were playing DnD that afternoon, Dustin was going to “accidently” get a paper cut. Eddie’s reaction to the fresh blood would determine whether or not he was a vampire. It was fool proof.

Unfortunately, it seemed like Dustin was a fool. Who could blame him, though? Eddie was an amazing Dungeon Master. He knew just how to craft a story to suck just about anyone in. It wasn’t until they were packing up at the end of the session that Dustin remembered the plan. That probably explained the looks the other boys had been shooting him the entire time.

Dustin was just about to drag the edge of a piece of paper across this hand, when the drama room door banged open.

“Alright, you little shits. Get in the car. I’m already having a bad day, and I don’t need your moms blowing up my phone asking where you are.”

“Steve, why do you have a tampon in your nose?” Will asked.

Dustin glanced up at Steve, only to find that the man indeed had a bloody tampon in his nose.

“I had a nose bleed, and didn’t have any Kleenex in my car. It’s the only thing Robin or I had. And it works, so I don’t want to hear anything more about it.”

Blood.

Dustin nearly gave himself whiplash turning his head to look at Eddie. Eddie, who was staring at Steve with eyes that could only be described as ravenous.

“King Steve,” Eddie drew out as he approached Steve.

“Munson.”

“Now why’s a pretty jock like you carting around a bunch of nerdy freshmen?”

“I baby sit them.”

Eddie chuckled. “Yes, they are a bunch of babies.”

That was met with a round of protests from the kids.

“How hard was your nose bleeding? Aren’t tampons supposed to be super absorbent?”

Lucas was right. There was a ring of blood leaking down the tampon.

“Are you okay?” Will asked.

Eddie, however, did not look okay. Dustin had never seen him so focused on one thing as he was with Steve’s nose. And that included DnD.

“Yeah, it just happens sometimes. I’ll be fine. Now come on, or Robin’s going to start honking.”

They were being corralled out of the building before Dustin could come to any concrete conclusions, but judging from the way Eddie had stared at Steve’s nose, he was sure their hunch was correct.

Now they just had to prove it.

~~~

Turned out, the best way to prove their DM was a vampire was to show up at his trailer unannounced. Catch him off guard while he was at his most comfortable. In fact, the hardest part about the whole thing had been trying to convince Steve to drive them over to the trailer park. In the end, he was a push over as always.

Dustin bounded up the steps to the trailer, the other boys close behind. He pounded on the door. “Eddie!”

A crash came from inside, followed by a grumbled “shit.” A few moments later, Eddie swung open the door.

“Couldn’t have given me a heads up?”

“We have some urgent DnD questions. Couldn’t’ve waited for you to respond.” Dustin and the rest of the boys pushed passed him into the trailer. Only Will hesitated, sheepish look on his face.

“Hey, wait, what are you doing!” Eddie called after them.

“Oh my god, have some manners,” Steve slammed his car door closed.

“Steve,” Eddie began. “They roped you into this?”

“They threatened to walk otherwise. Couldn’t let them get hit by a car or kidnapped.”

The four boys searched around the tidy trailer, not even trying to appear like they weren’t.

“What are you knuckleheads doing?” Eddie asked.

Steve, who they had not informed what they were doing, seemed to have caught on to their plan. “Not this again.”

“You know what they’re doing?”

“Guys, look!” Mike, staring in the fridge, exclaimed. The boys ran over to him.

“Hey, you guys, get out of there!” Eddie exclaimed.

“Yeah, knock it off. Let the man live in piece.”

Dustin, Lucas, and Will gasped when they saw the contents of the fridge. Yes, there was normal people food in the fridge--nothing to write home about. But stacked on the top shelf was the motherload: bags and bags of blood.

Mike grabbed one and held it out for Steve to see. “We fucking told you!”

“Eddie’s a vampire,” Dustin vibrated with excitement. “Eddie, you’re a vampire.”

“Eddie’s not . . . there’s gotta be . . .Eddie?” Steve looked to Eddie as if asking him to deny the kid’s claims.

Eddie crossed his arms over his chest and heaved out an exasperated sigh. “Looks like you caught me.”

“I fucking told you!” Dustin shouted at Steve.

“Language.” Steve snapped. “Eddie, come on. Be serious. Vampires don’t exist.”

“Telling the truth, Harrington.” Eddie flashed them his fangs. “I am a vampire.”

“You’re teeth aren’t normally that sharp,” Will said.

“I can control when my fangs come out,” Eddie said with a shrug. Then, to demonstrate, he retraced his fangs, so his teeth looked human again. “It’s been handy in hiding from mortals. In fact, you guys are the first to figure it out. Surprised it took this long for anyone to notice, honestly.”

“So you’ve been able to hide in plan sight for, like, hundreds of years?” Dustin asked.

Eddie slouched down onto the couch, understanding that he was about to be pelted with about a million questions. “More like forty.”

“Forty?” Will asked.

“I was turned in the ‘80s. ‘86, I think. I don’t know, the years start to blur together.”

“So, you’re just as old as our parents?” Mike scoffed. “Lame.”

“But I look much better than them.”

The boys took his nonchalance as permission to start their rain of questions.

“So do you have vampire powers?”

“How can you eat garlic?”

“Does the sun not burn your skin?”

“Do you have to get permission to enter new places?”

And on and on they went, only briefly pausing for Eddie to get a sufficient answer out. Meanwhile, Steve just stood by the door. Dustin could tell he was trying to process the fact that he had almost graduated with a vampire. Dustin could understand. Had he not already been convinced himself, the information would have taken a bit to accept.

When Steve finally came back around, he joined the group surrounding Eddie.

“Why are you still at Hawkins High?” Steve asked. “You were in class with my parents. Couldn’t have you gotten out and gone someplace people won’t recognize you?”

Eddie paused, actually giving that question some thought. The other boys let him think it through instead of feeding him more questions. They wanted to know the answer too.

“Well, I tried to once, but then Wayne started having health problems, and I didn’t want to leave him alone. When I realized that I had stopped aging, I decided to stay with him even after he recovered. Realized that if I don’t grow old, I’m going to outlive him. I’d rather spend the rest of his life with him, than in hiding and regretting it when he’s gone. As for people recognizing me: you’d be surprised how little attention the freaks of Hawkins get.”

The group sat in silence for a moment, letting his words sink in. Dustin supposed that if he were turned into a vampire, he would stick around to spend as much time with his mom as he could.

“Speaking of, where is your uncle?” Lucas asked.

Eddie smiled to himself. “Technically, he’s my little brother. We started doing the whole uncle/nephew thing when he got too old to believably be my brother. And he should be finishing up his shift at the hospital. Decided to become a nurse after finishing chemo. He has always been the smart one. Besides, it helps with procuring my stash of blood.”

Mike perked up at that. “So you do drink blood?”

“Yes.”

“But we’ve seen you eat real food.”

“You’re point?”

Mike huffed. “So do you need blood to live, or is it just a craving--like wanting a Coke?”

“I can eat real food, but it doesn’t fully satisfy my hunger. Only drinking blood does that.”

“Have you ever?” Steve gulped. “Have you ever drank blood from a person.”

“You offering?” Eddie smirked.

Steve flushed.

Weird.

As his friends continued to talk, Dustin’s mind wandered. It was no secret that Steve found men attractive. He was the biggest slut in Hawkins, after all. And Dustin had only ever seen him nervous around men who he thought were really hot.

Oh, Dustin could have fun with this. After all, didn’t everyone want a vampire boyfriend?

okay, well this completely got away from me. will I make this a series? mayhaps.

#steddie #vampire eddie munson #steve harrington #eddie munson #stranger things #Eddie Munson the boomer vampire

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plaguedocboi · 25 days

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Y’know. I don’t remember the last time I’ve seen a big-budget parody in theaters. Do y’all remember when parodies were a thing? Like Spaceballs and Austin Powers? I don’t think I’ve seen one since Vampires Suck in 2010. Why did that genre of movie just totally disappear? In the age of endless nostalgia bait and remakes and sequels and giving every Glup Shitto their own series, why aren’t we capitalizing on making fun of stuff? Especially given the absolute shit quality of cinema recently. In a better timeline there would be a film studio dedicated solely to making parodies of Marvel movies.

#I guess it’s in part because you need a solid foundation to build a successful parody off of #so maybe everything just sucks so bad now it’s not even worth it

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memzyyy · 3 months

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hey bro me again hehhe

so erm how tom would be in a relationship with a girl vampire ykyk 😭

2010 or 2007 tom whatever you want

i didn’t know if you wanted smut or fluff so i did both🥰

i’ve completely forgotten how to write oh my goodness!

just a reminder you can talk to me through DMS about literally anything ☺️(i’m so lonely since Kaye has gone for a nap) @1sjsoul

but yeah enjoy

WARNINGS!!!!!: Blood sucking in both stories! praise bc who doesn’t like praise🤭, me despising Tom. you and him praise eachother in the smut one💋

FLUFF FIRST

He would never fail to grasp the back of your head/neck as you rammed your fangs into his shoulder, groaning in pain as you begin to slurp he starts to shuffle and squirm; you detach from his neck, “quit wiggling! ittle hurt more if you do.” he takes the advice and shoved his face into the crook of your neck trying not to squirm as you fed upon him.

of course you wouldn’t drain him, he’s the love of your life! so after Tom told you he was feeling lightheaded you immediately stopped and unlatched, licking the bite wound; the one that would definitely scar, but he’s fine by that. He loves the idea of being ‘branded’ by you!

you whispered sweet nothings into his ear, telling how much you love him and appreciated him before you give him a kiss. He didn’t appreciate how the taste of copper overwhelmed his taste buds but he was willing to deal with it just to have you in his arms <3

NSFW DOWN BELOW

He liked pain.

you knew that.

he knew that. (what a whore🙄)

that’s why he was delighted when you asked to drink from him.

5 minutes in and he’s writhing under you,

shamelessly moaning and praising you on how good you were being, your hand is wrapped around his length, stroking him as you feed off him, who knew he’d get hard from you sucking blood from him?? (everyone knew, SLAG)

he lets out a deep groan as the pain of your fangs along with the pleasure of you stroking him mix together, causing him to buck his hips into your hand; desperate to chase his release.

“fuck…that’s it.. just like that yeah…good girl.” he moaned into your ear softly, 2 more minutes of him fucking his cock into your hand he came all over your hand; you detach from his neck and began to lick his semen off your fingers, watching him intensely as he tries to catch his breath. Him being lightheaded from you taking too much blood and the hard ejaculation, you smirk before

saying;

“good boy.”

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fermiparadoxx · 5 months

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Hot take on Cazador

Look, I know cazabitch doesn't NEED to be hot or attractive, because he is supposed to be a despicable character. He serves his role well, but COME ON... He looks and sounds so ridiculous I just can't take him seriously!

You know who he reminds me of? This fucker right there

The vampire villain from Vampires Suck (2010), from a goddamn twilight movie parody.

Cazador looks like a litteral joke 😂 If at least they'd change the voice and put the beard back on from early access, he'd look more menacing, and even scarier. They should have kept the original design. I just think it would have made a cooler villain.

#cazador szarr #astarion #baldur's gate 3 #bg3 #bg3 cazador #bg3 astarion

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yeahthatsinteresting · 2 years

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MOVIES: TWILIGHT (2008) X VAMPIRES SUCK (2010)

#twilight #vampires suck #movies #edit #gifset #bella swan #edward cullen #kristen stewart #robert pattinson

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literatemisfit · 1 year

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A Comprehensive List of David Tennant Whump

(to be made more specific in terms of episodes and plot points with time) ***SPOILERS on PLOT POINTS***

Chronologically:

Takin' Over the Asylum (1994)

Manhandling and intimidation, abuse of power by authority, forced confinement and treatment, given blame for having a mental health disorder, unsupportive family, death of a friend

The Bill (1995)

Short moment of physical violence and intimidation, arrest, manhandling

LA Without a Map (1998)

Short stint of imprisonment, physical violence, fish out of water vibes, intimidation

Casanova (2005)

Violence and grievous injury, imprisonment, emotional anguish, disturbing sexualized environment

Doctor Who (2006-2010)

2x0 The Christmas Invasion

Regeneration sickness, manhandling, pain and fainting, nursed back to health

2x1 New Earth

Loss of consciousness by poison, imprisonment, loss of control and ownership over one's body

2x7 The Idiot's Lantern

Alien TV face sucking, loss of consciousness

2x8 The Impossible Planet &

2x9 The Satan Pit

Fall into an abyss and regaining consciousness at the bottom, religious and moral dilemmas

2x13 Doomsday

Emotional anguish, loss of loved one, inability to communicate feelings in time

3x1 Smith & Jones

Manhandling, forced to have blood sucked through straw against his will, loss of consciousness, lack of oxygen for everyone

3x2 The Shakespeare Code

Voodoo attack, loss of consciousness, one heart stops, threat of execution

3x7 42

Intense pain and panic, screaming, freezing, burning up from the inside, admitting to fear

3x9 The Family of Blood

Human innocence when faced with danger, tantrum at not wanting to die, fear of not being John Smith, taken prisoner, hunted by killers

3x12 The Sound of Drums

3x13 Last of the Time Lords

4x2 The Fires of Pompei

4x6 The Doctor's Daughter

4x9 Forest of the Dead

4x10 Midnight

4x12 The Stolen Earth

4x13 Journey's End

0x3 The Waters of Mars

0x4 The End of Time Part 1

0x5 The End of Time Part 2

Recovery (2007)

Brain injury, mental anguish

Hamlet (2009)

Grief, arrest with light bondage, insanity, tantrums, death

Single Father (2010)

Manhandling, grief, anger

United* (2011)

Fright Night (2011)

Past trauma and fear, vampire attack, trapped and helpless, injury, thrown

Spies of Warsaw* (2013)

The Politician's Husband* (2013)

Richard II (2013)

Broadchurch (2013-2017)

Heart problems, dizziness, fainting, collapsing, surgery, grief, trauma, flashbacks, violent crime, sexual crime

Camping (2018)

Jessica Jones (2016-2019)

Criminal UK (2019)

Good Omens (2019-2023)

Deadwater Fell (2020)

Around the World In 80 Days (2021)

Inside Man (2022)

Litvinenko* (2022)

* these I have not seen nor do I have confirmation that whump-like drama occurs but I include them in case they apply.

If you have any insider information or suggestions for what might be added in terms of listed works or details about the plot points and triggers to include, let me know. I will begin working on this as I gather information and research and rewatch certain shows and movies.

Enjoy 🌈

#david tennant #whump #me

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whitehotharlots · 5 months

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Very dead spin

Deadspin's fall serves as a sad encapsulation of everything that's happened to the American left since 2010 or so.

It started out as a goofy, irreverent, willfully offensive site with a left-ish bent. Sports were the main priority, and it didn't proselytize or shame readers so much as it assumed that if you were intelligent and/or hip enough to be in their desired audience, you didn't need a writer to explain how team owners are greedy or why American healthcare sucked. Legacy sports outlets were originally not even allowed to mention the site by name, but after just a few years they got big and legitimate enough they were the main reason the Penn State child molestation scandal came to national attention instead of remaining buried.

But like all the other Gawker sites it kept getting more and whiny and didactic as its audience grew. You can be weird and mean and funny if you're only hoping to reach a couple thousand people per post, but once you've been profiled in the New York Times you got to clean up your act. Writers took fewer risks. The points they made became rote and predictable, the coverage was bland, and the jokes attacked the same handful of well worn targets again and again. They thought they had become the insiders, the cultural vanguard, and that it was now their job to police everyone else's thoughts and actions.

Aaaaand then their father site posted what was essentially revenge porn of Hulk Hogan. This was after they had outed billionaire vampire Peter Thiel as gay, and that pissed him off so much he financed a massive lawsuit on Hogan's behalf that bankrupted the whole network of sites. Whoops!

The site got bought by Univision and run by old media idiots who did not understand what generated its readership. They demanded the site focus solely on sports. The staff revolted, quit, and eventually started another, much lower-traffic site that will collapse the second Drew MaGary stops writing their NFL previews.

And then the old site essentially underwent the very Replacement Theory that its original writers simultaneously insisted would never happen and also that it should happen and is good. Even at the end, the old Deadspin's writers were intelligent, well-read, and reasonably funny (at least compared to almost everything else on the internet). Now they've been supplanted by a veritable rainbow coalition of scabs: black twenty-somethings who have never read an entire book, middle-aged hoteps who got fired from city newspapers after "allegations came to light," and white 30-year-old liberal arts grads who think socialism is when it's easy to get your dick cut off and fascism is when anyone makes it slightly more difficult to get your dick cut off.

Behold the horrors of time's march! The old left: neutered and paywalled. The new left: reactionary morons.

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super-hero-confessions · 2 months

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I'm so glad Lokius is not canon, because after harassing Natalie Holt, Kate Heron, and Sophia Di Martino (the last two women being openly bisexual) to the point that the three of them had to create a groupchat to discuss how to deal with harassment, and to the point of forcing Kate Heron into quitting the show, making Lokius canon would be a reward for the deranged behavior of its shippers. "But what about the important queer rep?" you can shove it <3. Your right to see two straight men act out being in love for a crappy scifi show is not more important than the right of two living breathing queer women to not suffer online abuse. Also, we're not in the 2010's anymore and if you want to see prominent m/m rep in genre media you can now. Go watch Black Sails, go watch GOmens, go watch OFMD, go watch WWDITS, go watch Severance, go watch Interview With The Vampire, and stop acting like Loki not sucking the crusty moustache of some geriatric cop who called him a cockroach, gaslighted him into thinking he killed his mother, threw him into a torture chamber for daring to escape him when said cop was keeping him as a prisoner, and never apologised for any of this, is this great loss for positive queer rep.

#confession #rant #marvel #loki series

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nonbinarylocalcryptid · 3 months

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MAG10 - Vampire Killer

*turns around in the most ugliest coolest yellowest office chair like a Bond villain, petting a baguette-shaped cushion* so, you came here from MAG9 without expecting the whiplash. Don't worry, you are not alone lmao

Trevor Herbert is like a homeless Chuck Norris, a shaggy Terminator, a Van Helsing lite (the Hugh Jackman one, not the original). He looks in your head like the dog in The Lady and The Tramp but in human version.

And the very first thing this mf says when he writes his statement is "I've been procrastinating this shit for 50 years, but hey, I finally came to the Magnus Institute". So better late than never and all that jazz.

Quoooooooting timeeeee:

"I hear someone even made me a page on the Internet and it got a few thousand likes. I don’t know exactly what that means but it sounds nice." - Trevor Herbert, July 10th 2010

Aww, doesn't he sound nice? :D

"Obviously that’s not why I’m here, though, is it? No, I’m here because I have also dedicated my life to finding and killing vampires." - Also f*cking Trevor

Sorry u wHAT

" (...) but I do not have proof to give you except for the vampire teeth that I will leave with this statement." - Trevor "I brought you a souvenir" Herbert

" I killed my first vampire in 1959." - Trevor Herbert, THE LEGEND THE MAN THE MYTH

You wish you sound as badass xD

"I was hit by a stale, coppery smell that I did not recognise as old blood at the time, since I was barely 16 and did not have then the experience I have now." - Trevor, barely 16 but already a poet

I find upsetting how many statement givers were so young they didn't know they were smelling blood.

"The furniture and wallpaper had clearly not been changed in many decades, and a thick layer of dust covered everything." - Trevor, 16, also an offended interior designer

LOL the landlord when he tells you " I just painted everything, it's all new"

"I remember wondering whether Sylvia McDonald walked exactly the same route through the house always, as I saw other clear lines of passage in the rooms we passed through." - Trevor "WTF" Herbert

" It was 1968, I remember because that was the year United won the European Cup, (...)" - Trevor "Yes, I'm British, why u asking?" Herbert

"I do not know if you’ve ever felt your blood being sucked out of you, but I would not recommend it." - By Trevor, 0/5, no stars

"Regardless, there is substantial evidence to support the version of events told by Mr. Herbert in all aspects except the vampirism." - Jon Sims, April 13th 2016

He really said "I believe everything except the vampire bullshit" XD

"(...) It may be that they take Mr. Herbert’s statement far more seriously than I do." - Also Jon

He sees that a lot of government and law people takes this statement seriously and goes "hm how weird, why tho, it's all bullshit"

Small review:

The vampires in the tma universe are so freaking weird, disturbing of course, personally I can't really tell if they are scary tho, but I'm certain they are a mystery.

Gotta say, RIP Nigel, he seemed nice :(

I must admit Trevor is quite an interesting figure, he's intelligent and resourceful, can do much with almost nothing and put together every piece of information he has in a way he can reach a satisfactory conclusion. And then he just sticks with it. There are these monsters, which I know how to kill, and so I do it. Simple. Efficient. Practical as hell.

This is also the second time going clubbing has ended horribly for someone in tma, and honestly? Wtf

This guy just die in the break room, like, lmao. He really said "no time like the present, may as well reach supersaiyan state in that couch over ther", and he fucking did it

And then Jon ends everything by showing a lot of evidences while acting the sceptic part and it's so goddamn funny. He should be a comedian.

General overview:

Vibe: this one is so fucking wild, nice homeless grandpa ends up being the modern Van Helsing and "dies" in a couch at paranormal research institute. Iconic

Horror: there are cryptids in it, that's horror genre coded

Audio: pretty ASMR in general

Humour: hilarious Terminator Grandpa, feat.Jon being Jon

Score: 10/10

#tma shitpost #tma #jon sims #jon sims being jon sims #trevor herbert #tma review #mag 10

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nerdby · 9 months

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Ok, I was a little off. This show isn't the anti-Totally Spies.

If anything Buffy Summers seems like an evangelical Kim Possible. But mocking nerdy girls isn't any better than mocking Valley girls.

At least that's what I can gather from the first episode with the whole underground Christian rave party and Luke going on about how the master will inherent the earth and the devil will come to town. And does it bother anyone else that Angel is like forty and giving a SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD girl presents after being caught stalking her???

Did I mention that Angel is one of Buffy's infamous love interests???? Which makes the aforementioned weirdness even more uncomfortable😣

I'm kinda triggered right now, not gonna lie. Cause I'm getting some pretty strong anti-Paganism vibes from this first episode. But can the show really be called anti-Pagan if its based off of vampire mythology which is rooted in Christianity??? Or at least it is in the Western world -- there are some pretty cool Asian mythologies about vampires or blood-sucking creatures.

By the way, I'm also a Pagan witch, so if you're wondering why I'm just a little upset that would be why.

So I am gonna take a pause and just hold off on that second episode. Cause I need a moment to process and decompress before I try to deal with anymore potentially rightwing fearmongering bullshit. That crap was everywhere in the 90s courtesy of Satanic Panic. And, no, I'm not being dramatic -- anyone who tells you Pagans don't face discrimination is extremely ignorant.

Wiccans weren't even allowed to have pentacles on tombstones until like 2008 and it wasn't until the 2010s that pentacles were allowed in most schools in the US. I'm not a Wiccan but I do emphasize with them cause that is some grade-A Christofascist bullshit.

This is all googleable, by the way.

#comic books #horror genre #horror series #teen horror #nostalgia geek #nostalgiacore #90s nostalgia #tv and streaming #tv and movies #hulu #buffy the vampire slayer #buffy summers #paganism #vampires #satanic panic #ptsd thoughts #actually ptsd

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licncourt · 2 years

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hey, do you know of any posts that discuss the racism throughout the series a bit more deeply? someone just shared a post from Rice's facebook dated around 2014 about how the QoTD movie sucked but one good thing was that Akasha was played by "a lovely black woman" since fans of color had felt "left out". i think that shows interesting self-awareness and growth, but i'd like to know more about the portrayal of characters of color over the decades, and how it improved (or didn't)! Tysm in advance!

There's been lots of discussion of racism in VC over the years, but I don't know of any posts that specifically break that down the way you're asking. I can talk a little bit about it though!

Spoiler warning for anyone who hasn't read the books!

Racism is pretty present from the beginning of the series. The first part of Interview with the Vampire takes place on a plantation and that's fairly controversial in itself. The decision to make Louis a plantation owner and the way that subject is handled is a point of contention among fans in general, but that's not really what you're asking about, so I'll discuss it another time.

What's important here is that it's the first time POC are present in the series and while the treatment of them as little more than props makes sense, unfortunately, for the setting, Anne Rice has never been known for her excellent views on race/treatment of characters of color, so it becomes more uncomfortable on a meta level. I think the best example of how this expositional element tips over the edge into something more is with Lestat.

While he's largely the villain of IWTV, the account Louis gives of his cruel treatment of the enslaved people on the plantation is very unsettling when you consider that Lestat is the protagonist by the second book and this particular issue is never addressed in AR's attempts to retcon him into a likable, sympathetic anti-hero.

The Vampire Lestat introduces the characters of Akasha and Enkil, ethnically Iraqi characters residing in Egypt who are also the oldest vampires in the world. A famously insensitive element of VC is what exactly being an elder and/or more powerful vampire entails appearance-wise, namely being bleached white skin regardless of the vampire's original race or ethnicity. I think it's pretty self-evident that having vampires become paler and paler as they grow more powerful is not a great story element to have in the first place, and it's not one that was ever changed between the 80s and the 2010s. This phenomenon affects a significant chunk of the black, MENA, and South Asian vampires in the series.

(There's also some odd white-washing of the characters Maharet and Mekare, pale redheads of Mesopotamian origin? I don't think it's explained why this is the case. When I first read QotD, I assumed that they were Celtic because of the description, but no, not the case.)

Queen of the Damned is probably the worst of the trilogy as far as making it obvious that AR had some antiquated ideas and prejudices about POC. I'll talk about specific characters in a second, but a running theme in this book is "the East vs the West" in terms of morality. "The East" is characterized by the narrative as barbaric, materialistic, and regressive in contrast to "the West" which is philosophical, enlightened, and has "no place for evil" (that's a real quote).

It would be one thing if these views were expressed by characters we're supposed to disagree with, by the one who pushes these ideas most of all is Marius, a character who is very clearly presented as one of the wisest, most intelligent, and most admirable of the vampires. It's not hard to tell based on the books as a whole that AR had a serious hard-on for "Western culture". It permeates every book in an increasingly obvious way.

As for characters of color, a few are introduced in QotD. One is largely unimportant, Davis, but he's a random vampire gang member. The ones I want to talk about more are Khayman and Azim. I don't have much to say about Khayman other than I enjoyed him but his part is fairly small and then he's killed off in his next appearance so....

Azim is...more unfortunate. Even though he's only around briefly, the stereotypes are off the wall. He's an Indian vampire who lives in a Himalayan temple where he's spent centuries posing as a god and glutting himself on the blood of worshippers. The book describes him as being practically swollen with blood and dressed in lavish Oriental silks, the stereotype of an arrogant Eastern decadent who then fools the naive mountain people into sacrificing themselves. Ultimately, he's too consumed by gluttony and greed to be terribly powerful and is killed easily.

Next up is Tale of the Body Thief, and boy, it's a doozy. Without explaining the entire plot, the consciousness of the mortal Englishman David is swapped into the body of an Indian man. This body was stolen from its original owner by the antagonist of the book, but this is the form David resides in for the remainder of the series.

I think most people would see the metaphor for colonialism pretty easily, the body of an Indian man taken, inhabited, and used by a white British man with no regard for its original resident. Sadly for us, AR gives no indication of understanding the optics here and seems not to see an issue with this.

Even worse in some ways though is the way Indian!David is described. It's so fetishistic sometimes it makes my skin crawl. Lots of focus is on his skin color and "exotic" appearance and this continues pretty much for the rest of the series. It's very uncomfortable and it didn't stay in the 90s just like the skin whitening didn't live and die in the 80s.

I'm not going to spend too much time on the three Mayfair crossover books (Merrick, Blackwood Farm, and Blood Canticle) because they all have very similar issues among them, but I do want to talk about the witch Merrick. She has the makings of a very cool character, but instead she's just a disappointing stereotype of a black/mixed woman. She uses her (rather racially-coded) magic to draw Louis and David to her at which point she continues to hold Louis in magical thrall in order to brainwash him into turning her (non-consensual blood drinking/sharing is explicitly analogous to rape according to AR) and entering a romantic relationship.

Again, this doesn't look great. It really mimics caricature of a black seductress who takes advantage of a helpless white man and pushes the idea of black women as aggressive, materialistic, and hypersexual. The treatment of Louis in this book is awful, but the writing of Merrick as a character is quite offensive as well. Yet again though, she's killed in the next book.

If we're keeping count, this is the sixth named character of color I've mentioned so far who is killed in the course of the books, so all except one gang member and Indian!David. A vast majority of POC in VC before the 2010s are killed off. I think I've listed all the named characters of color up to Blood Canticle/2003, and only one (a gang member) survives to the end of the series. Proportionately, the deaths of POC FAR outweigh those of white characters.

Things change somewhat in 2014 with Prince Lestat and it's widely speculated that AR's son, an author as well, was somewhat involved in trying to rectify the racism in the books. Whatever the case, the more egregious examples taper off here and there is far less discussion of Eastern barbarity, the moral bankruptcy of inner cities, and "Bedouin caramel skin". That's not to say it ends though.

A larger cast of ancient vampires are introduced in this book, including characters of color like Seth, Teskhamen, Arjun, Gregory/Nebamun, and Fareed, all of whom are, you guessed it, white as marble. Something else that's never remedied is the total lack of black vampires. Most of the characters of color are Egyptian/MENA or South Asian, even at this point and it stays that way. Black VC vampires are still unicorns. It might just be Davis (nearly irrelevant as a character) and Merrick actually. If I'm forgetting someone, please tell me though!

There's also an unfortunate characterization of Arjun as violently jealous and controlling, particularly towards women, as well as scheming and manipulative, two prolific stereotypes about brown men. At this point you shouldn't be surprised to find out that he is also killed, in this case by Marius, AR's wise ancient Roman Aryan sage. So that's fun.

As far as I remember, Gregory, Seth, and Fareed are largely fine? Nothing crazy that stood out to me as far as race, at least not enough that it's coming to me right now.

So yeah, 2014 sounds about right for that Facebook statement you mentioned. If she tried at all, it would've begun around that time. I hope the attempt was genuine because it was certainly an improvement, but I guess I struggle to give her the benefit of the doubt after...so much shit. I hope that was helpful!

Edit: I've been informed in the tags that Avicus might be black? Someone else is saying he's just burnt. Idk. AR has too many OCs, that woman is killing me

#please add to this if you have anything to say/correct!#this is all off the top of my head #i'd also love to hear from fans of color since i'm still white-passing #answered #vc #interview with the vampire #meta #iwtv

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