#trouble making connections
Text
socializing after you’ve been abused:
am I being useful right now?
useful enough not to be kicked out or considered a burden?
what if I ruin everything with my presence
is there anything else I can do to make sure everyone approves of me?
I haven’t done anything useful in a while, everyone must be mad at me
why is everyone ignoring me right now? am I being abandoned?
are they about to leave me? how did I deserve this?
I’m going to be alone, forever, I’m beyond help
everyone must have hated me all along and now they’re happier without me
I can feel them thinking horrible things about me. They must think how I’m stupid and don’t deserve to be here.
Is anyone seeing thru me? Can they tell I’m scared? I have to hide it better.
I’d do anything for reassurance that things are okay but if I ask for it I will be seen as annoying and too demanding so I can’t do that
It was a mistake trying to fit in, I’m ruining everything, this would all be better if only I wasn’t here
They’re all secretly blaming me for everything bad that happened, and I too am thinking of all the ways I could have stopped it and didn’t, it’s my fault
I’m being left behind, I don’t even understand what is going on right now and nobody is explaining anything to me. They want me to be left out.
I just want to be away from this, I can’t handle looking at everyone else being close to each other while I’m dying for this and will never have it
Was I wrong for thinking I could do this? Was I stupid for imagining for a second I would feel okay talking to people?
I’ve said something wrong and I’m embarrassed and ashamed. I can only imagine what everyone is thinking about me right now. It hurts so much I wish I wasn’t alive.
I just want to be alone again, and I’m terrified of being alone again.
#abuse symptoms#trauma symptoms#social anxiety#social abuse#trouble making connections#struggling to socialize#struggling to communicate#self deprecating thoughts#projecting awful things into everyone else's thoughts#believing the worst#self critical#self blame#toxic shame#toxic guilt#did anyone ever resolve this#i keep away from groups of people for these reasons
429 notes
·
View notes
Text
S1 flounder if it was good
#I've had the idea of “flounder with tunnels connecting the two low grounds” since all the way back in S1. I finally get to make it real#The map just feels so much less real in 3. Fuck man#Also you know how some weapons have trouble getting up the walls? Yeah don't do what S3 did and flatten the entire map bc then the map's#whole design will just completely fall apart. That's why I added some dashpads in key spots; extremely useful though a bit predictable#splatoon#splatoon 3#my art#3d art
119 notes
·
View notes
Text
the way the ericson group were at the outbreak just a bunch of troubled kids who made various mistakes or committed crimes and were judged by a system that punished and abandoned them instead of giving them the support and love they needed, are then nearly a decade later put into a situation where now they must judge a troubled child for the mistakes and crimes hes committed against them. and 5 to 3 vote them out 😭
#twdg#i love the way s4 connects back to lees whole 'murderer' thing back in s1 😭 guilt...atonement.....systems of punishment#i love thinking about s1>s4 themes and crying#anyway this is partially why i hate when i see the ericson cast reduced down to 'just some teens' its so much more than that#them being abandoned in a boarding school for troubled kids is SO IMPORTANT its not 'just some school'#anyway its also probably why theyre my favorite cast#theyre literally one of if not the most mature group of the series even while being a bunch of kids who make choices i dont agree with#because they actually love and care about each other. even when theyre mad. because theyre all they have left#i do think the vote was a fair way to handle it even tho i still ultimately find it cruel. they couldve talked it out#but this is still a story that needs conflict to resolve so is what it is#they would rather they leave than have to face their confused feelings. the most immature thing they do. but understandable#they did such a good job crafting that cast for clem GOD an entire ensemble built around her and aj....delicious#zombie/post apoc media about love and community my beloved 😭#sorry but get tf out of here with that 'humans are evil and everyone dies' lame ass bullshit we are nothing without community#the amount of love pouring out of s4 is like getting my ass kicked but then they give me a big hug and kiss after and send me on my way#s4 my absolute beloved i really love it more and more every time. so much to appreciate even with it the way it is#the themes bro the themes........ the connections between seasons 1 and 4 you are everything to me#it speaks
56 notes
·
View notes
Text
the little flying pearl robot is so cute!! i love her lil crown, the little flaps that look like her tentacles, and the eyes and eyebrows!! im betting marina made it for her💗 its like their child
marina, in this trailer, doesnt seem to be speaking through the same mic with pearl like octo expansion. so if were looking at it in a positive-nothing-bad-happened-to-marina light, marina has her own robot that isnt shown in the trailer. but my main guess is that something happened to marina like being sucked in like dedf1sh and lost within wherever they are
#IM SO EXCITED#i didnt exactly want the thing where one idol is in trouble and we as the agent are trying to save them concept again#but im open to it if the plot is gonna be good and we get more lore opportunity!!#marina#pearl#agent 8#off the hook#splatoon#splatoon 3#ok i dont want to be a complainer or anything but i hope 4 gets mentioned or shown but it looks unlikely;#if not this dlc maybe a possible 3rd wave of dlc will continue their story#cuz it makes sense that they want to keep agent 8 + off the hook a contained story that involves them#and 4 is more connected to squidbeak splatoon in-game (like yeah 8 and 4 are roomates in outside game stuff like art)#(but in the game they are separate categories)#ok maybe i will write more thoughts on this later)#jenivi rant#my post
144 notes
·
View notes
Text
Horatio and Ophelia are never confirmed as being in a scene together, and do not share so much as a single line of dialogue.
#hamlet#ophelia#horatio#shakespeare#I think sometimes about the (lack of a) dynamic between these two characters#They're probably the two people Hamlet is closest to#He loves them both (yes he *does* love Ophelia even though he is undeniably shitty to her)#They both love him#It's not quite textually a love triangle#but knowing about Shakespeare's real-life queerness makes me more inclined to read the homoerotic subtext in his work as deliberate#Because we never see them on stage together we never see them directly compete#But we also never see them connect. Collaborate.#Commiserate about the maddening madman they love and the hardships they must witness being inflicted upon him.#Or their own troubles--the dutiful daughter always ordered about. The untitled scholar perhaps looked down upon#Think of it like this: Both Horatio and Ophelia try‚ in their ways‚ to save Hamlet#And they both fail#Could the two of them working together have altered the path of fate?
103 notes
·
View notes
Text
I’ve been making some choices in-game for the sake of accuracy to me irl, but they’ve started to catch up with me mentally ✌️✌️✌️
We’re working on it though, just gotta keep at it and learn how to stop myself more in the future 😤
#my art stuff#baldur's gate 3#bg3#astarion#tav#tiefling tav#astral-touched tadpole#special tadpole#bg3 act 3#act 3#act 3 spoilers#this is mainly touching on my irl self-consciousness about my veins#and I’ve had a rather troubled past causing me to become hypersexual#while also being heavily aro-ace#it’s caused a bad addiction to set roots and while I’ve been handling it okay irl lately#it’s starting to itch at the back of my head and seep into the game instead#I connect very easily with media when I hyperfixate and the world of the media feels like my own for however long I hyperfixate on it#so the things I’ve been doing in the game cus “they can’t actually harm me” there have started to harm me anyways#or at least I think so#i keep actively thinking about the choices before I make them#and my curiosity causes me to make the choices on a scrap save that I throw out after#but sometimes a lil voice in the back of my head goes “that wasn’t that bad - let’s keep it cus I WOULD do this if it were me irl”#and then I get too stubborn to change it before I’ve played enough that it would actually set me back a stressful amount to do so#I’ve been latching onto Astarion because I recognize parts of myself in him and helping myself is too hard sometimes so I help him instead#but I still deserve to help myself - especially when it’s extra hard to do so.#comic#mental health#serious conversation#a lot of my conversations are serious (even when they seem goofy on surface level) but still#sketch
33 notes
·
View notes
Note
hi! may i request some mikoto + amane (platonic obvs) … anything? they are very dear to me 😭
Yes!!! Thank you so much for the request -- they really are such a good pair ;-; (The thing is, I had so many nice scenes in mind about how they parallel each other, but they wouldn't know or reveal that about each other so I kept restarting...) Anyway, here's something right after Mikoto's first trial/verdict!
Mikoto could pick up on someone’s bad mood from a mile away, though the skill was unnecessary when the other party very clearly and calmly informed him, “I’m in a bad mood.”
After refusing his offer, Amane turned back to a thick textbook she’d been taking notes on. Didn’t kids usually complain that school was already a prison? She must have wanted the full experience. He'd worked nonstop at his studies as well, but this was a new level. Amane often reminded him of his little sister, though she always took the extra step like this. His sister would have jumped at this opportunity to play a few rounds of their favorite card game.
“It’ll be fun!”
He flashed a smile, but it had no effect on her severe expression. “I know you’re just trying to comfort me about our verdicts. I refuse to be pitied.”
“Comfort and pity are two very different things. But anyway, it wasn’t either of those things.” He gave an easy shrug “To be honest, I’m just a little bored. It’s weird not having any work to do during the day.”
Mikoto couldn’t remember the last time in his life he’d had so many hours to himself. A lot of the others were fun to play games with. A few of the sportier prisoners helped him stay active. He enjoyed smoking breaks with the other men. Still, he was left to his own devices for the majority of his time. It was maddening. He’d recently requested some more art supplies, having used up the last batch, but they had yet to come in. Now with the verdict announcement, he wasn’t sure they’d ever arrive.
“That is your own problem. I already have something to do.” Her eyes lingered on the cards for the briefest of moments before returning to the book. “I told you, I’m not in the mood for it.”
Regardless of her hostility, he took a seat beside her. He leaned his arms out on the table. “We don’t have to play the same game.” The last time they'd played as a big group, several prisoners pulling the tables together to fit everyone. Amane had kept very quiet, eyes darting around at the cards as she tried to keep up with the rules. Not many of the others noticed the frustration clear in her face. Mikoto wasn’t the type to let her win out of pity, though he had begun to mutter the rules and strategies to himself a bit more as the night went on…
“Is there a game you liked to play at home?”
“No. There was no time for games in the house.”
“All work and no play… hah… I know what that’s like.” He slumped his cheek onto his arm, lazily shuffling the cards around. He felt bad for bothering the girl if she truly was upset. He thought it was the bad experience that made her reject him, he hadn’t realized there were also family issues attached. Usually he could read people well; maybe he was losing his touch. He seemed to be losing touch with a lot of things, these days.
He readied a game of solitaire.
“Mikoto?” Amane kept her face turned away. “There was… one game.”
“Yeah?” Mikoto shuffled the cards back together. He slid them over to her. “You should teach me!”
She didn’t touch them. “You probably already know it.”
“Nah, I only know a few games. I’m better with tarot cards, though those aren’t really the gaming type. Come on, what is it?”
She told him the name of the game, insisting it wouldn’t be worth playing. She kept her attention on the textbook, but her eyes weren’t reading any of it.
“Ahh, I’ve heard of that one! We start with four cards, right?” He started dealing them out.
“No, five –” she pointed to the deck, urging him to add two more.
“Right, right.” He laughed lightly. “And the goal is to get pairs, and put them in a pile, uhh, here.”
Amane shook her head. She shifted her body slightly towards him. “You must be thinking of a different game. There’s actually three piles for pairs. One here, one here, and when it’s your opponent’s turn…”
Her eyes gleamed as she explained the rules. She pointed to various cards, telling him exact moves and point values. “And to win, you need to –” Her expression shifted. “You… you already knew all this.”
“Of course not!” He put on his most convincing smile.
She deflated. “You’re not a very good liar.”
“Tch, tell that to the warden.”
His shoulders sagged along with her. If Amane could see right through him, why was the rest of Milgram still coming up with stories about what he did and didn’t do? “Well, I might already know the rules, but it’s been a long time since I’ve played. You can still give me a hand. Plus, if you really are in such a bad mood, it’ll be good to take a break from your studies. You should always take a break when things get too overwhelming, yeah?”
She gave him a withering stare.
“Eh? What’s that face for?”
“Alright, let’s play. You can go first.”
“I mean it, what was that look? Aw, come on…”
#milgram#mikoto kayano#amane momose#see - the thing is they both had crimes about 'protecting themself' but both would deny it was for that reason#they both seem to have some family trauma but would never admit it#theyre both used to putting on their best behavior and being 'good' for others but hardly realize that themselves#they are both in denial all the time !!!!!#so i tried to show them getting along for their own perceived reasons -- mikoto thinks he likes her because she reminds him of his sister#and amane thinks she likes him because hes being kind about their verdicts#and while both are right theyre Also drawn to each other because they are very similar at their core#and both have skills with reading people/picking up on cues making it tough to lie to one another#that forced honesty makes for a solid friendship haha!#i also remember a comment from yamanaka that amane would be the worst at card games because shed have trouble with the rules#she seems old enough to handle complex games but she probably never got to play a lot at home ;---; and mikoto probably learns a lot of#types of games (and tarot) so can connect with even more people#i thought long and hard on whether mikoto would let someone else win but he doesnt seem the type (plus amane would notice)#once again i know amane starts speaking in the plural but this comes a bit before that#yaay thank you so much for the request! this was really fun to do - i hope you enjoy!#ive thought a lot about amane and john but less on her and mikoto lol so this was nice :D#drabbles
24 notes
·
View notes
Text
I Knew You Were Trouble x WangXian
#so wangxian’s been on repeat in my mind#and ts’s song played#and since wangxian’s been repeat in my mind…#it wasnt that hard to make a connection 😂#i knew you were trouble#the untamed#cql#lan wangji#lan zhan#wei wuxian#wei ying#wangxian#taylor swift#my gifs#my untamed x songs edits#Spotify
30 notes
·
View notes
Text
hmmm. starting my randall fic (yayy🥳) and I might make my fl.atliners s/i just be a film-hobbyist instead of having her be in film school like i thought she'd be 🤔
#idk why but i get insecure making my s/i's do certain things that i haven't done irl 😅😅😅 and ive never been to college lol#and i have trouble imagining a universe where i could be ☹️bc of $ and bc... ig it's just not like me. i cant see myself doing it 😅#i think it just makes me feel more connected to an s/i when they're as similar to me as possible?? i love seeing ppl get creative#with their inserts but for some reason it just doesn't work for me 😅😅 i need them to be ME me#WELP this gives nelson even more of a reason to condescend me which is kind of funny to me for some reason 💀 ok meanie doo doo poopy head#caitiechat
14 notes
·
View notes
Text
i do miss being a little kid and creating the most vividly fucked up stories with my toys that i could
#i would say it was one of my fav little girl things but i did it with my brother mostly#and he sometimes got more into it than me#it’s great we had stories of abuse kidnapping murder#i thought up a looooot of kidnapping stories. i think it was how i coped with the intrusive thoughts of break-ins i’d get lmao#but this isn’t abt my GAD this is about my creative bloodlust#what even was a sleepover if you and ur best friend weren’t roleplaying an evil torture dungeon with her lps toys#or pretending to be foxes in the wild and getting mauled by bears#<- i was not a warrior cats kid but was friends with them. we all liked foxes so we were usually foxes#honestly i think a lot of my artistic energy is spent trying to return to that level of raw creative energy and power#it was always either violent or everyone was having sex with each other#to the kid with internalized homophobia who would jokingly torment me with ‘lesbian’ barbies in daycare (which we later got in trouble for):#thanks for helping me make the connection that lesbians were just girls who liked girls (like my aunts#also really funny that we’re both gay now#hey friends and mutuals who wants to play barbies with me and have them cannibalize each other#girlish whimsy. for free. cmon it’ll be so much fun
56 notes
·
View notes
Text
i have thoughts about dalv's parents if you even care............
#he was close with his mama but not rly with his papa#and seeing from pictures he always knew they were happier before he came around#so when his mom got sick and passed away#yeahhhh ummm. not great#he always had trouble making friends so he had no real connections after that#his dad was always absent in his life but even moreso after his mom passed#dalv essentially raised himself#he desired connections but honestly he was scared of being hurt#and nobody liked him anyway. he was always looked at funny#he found refuge in books#art n music#being alone scared him but it's all he'd ever known#yeah. ummm i have. thoughts.... and feelings about this#my art#doodles#dalv#corn vamp boy <3
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
I'm really struggling to follow along with FH:JY for some reason, so I'm rewatching everything in the hopes that something starts to click in my brain and. I'm not insane because Cassandra and Kalina literally did NOT make it clear that Kristen should have been at the mall with them and I can't decide if it was a genuine misunderstanding between Brennan and Ally or if it's somehow plot relevant.
#i feel like i'm being gaslit#(< this is a joke)#idk why this season isn't sticking for me#usually by this point i can start making connections#but it all feels so disjointed?#dimension 20#d20: fantasy high#i had trouble following neverafter too#i had to rewatch it like. three times#maybe my brain is just turning into mush
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
sometimes looking at like Self Help Strategies lists for the symptoms I'm having is always just like:
thing that I already do
thing I have tried 10 times
thing I already do
thing that I don't have the money to do
thing I already do
thing I've been doing since I was 10yrs old to no avail
thing that is impossible given my situation
thing that doesn't apply to me
thing that I already do
thing I have already tried
hrmm, oh wait, maybe finally- OH, yeah.. okay. thing that I already do but it was just phrased slightly differently
thing I have already done
#I think maybe productivity tips help less if the reason you're unproductive is partially like.. physcial health and other extenral things#out of your control. rather than just like having trouble paying attention or spending too much time on tiktok or whatever#all the strategic to do lists in the world are not going to somehow prevent me from waking up with a debilitating migraine or whatever#or having external stressors or lacking resources and connections or other Productivity Essentials etc.#especially many tips involve stuff like 'cut off from social media' since thats the modern day time waster for so many poeple#and it's like.. lol.. i can hardly even maintain a blog even thuogh i actively WANT TO DO SO. 'shut off your smart phone!' already#done babey i fucking hate smart phones i shall never use an app unless i am forced to. 'delete tiktok' yep. already covered. tiktok and#all of those thinsg are my enemies. 'save money by cancelling some of your services' cool. already ahead of you.#who the fuck is out here paying for like 10 different subscription services. pirated videos uploaded to google drive and youtube to mp3#my beloved. etc. etc. and so on. 'socialize less' .........LOL.. if only you knew.. mr.writer of the article. i can barely muster#talking to friends more than once a month and even less if I'm actively sick (often occurence) etc. etc. ... hewoo#I think maybe instead of generic productivity tips I need more like.. how to refocus and be productive anyway even if you have a headache#or are nauseous or etc. Not that those are always things to ignore. and of course you should let your body rest and etc. But plenty of peop#e have mild physical symptoms and just work through them. Ithink something about the way my body/mind is SOO hyper attuned to all#sensory information just makes it like... constantly 'GRR well I cant focus on WRITING right now because my lef#t ear feels weird and my socks are too itchy and my back has a strange pressure and I'm vaguely warm and my eye feels some ssort of#way it doesnt normally feel and I'm hyperaware of my breathing and also nauseous for no reason' and like half of those things I#think '''normal''' people wouldnt even notice or at least would be able to just live through. but for me it's like.. nealry impossible to i#gnore and soooo distracting always. like 'wahh.. nooo we can't draw or get anything done.. my legs feel slightly heavy or something!!'#like............. ok......... who cares. thats not even a PAIN sensation it's just something weird. but it's just like.. NO. constant#mental alerts about the 'heaviness' of your legs be upon ye. Though Imean like.. yes.. 70% of the time I am in genuine pain#or having some sort of actual ailment with trackable physical symptoms. but sometimes it's just like... we could totally be working right#now and ignoring this silly thing but my brain is fixated on it for no reason uncontrollably. etc. etc. I guess it's the same way that like#most people can go to a grocery store without the whole experience being so overwhelming and so much stuff going on at once#that they have to rest afterwards but like.. in my own HOME doing NOTHING i feel like I should be able to not get overwhelmed lol. ANYWAY#Rolling my bastard little rock up a dumbass hill and so on and so forth
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
So my laptop decided to die on me again right when I was almost done with commissions and was about to start a new batch but even with that, I won't be able to post art till I figure this out again
I will leave my ko-fi here if anyone wanna spare a few money just so I can take my laptop to be looked at because I believe it can be fixed before my semester starts (being optimistic here)
I also have a redbubble and INPRNT so you can get something in return!!
#i might have to make a proper post eventually cause i think just to save me trouble is jut to buy myself a new computer#i would have done commissions but lo' my old source to draw is my tablet connected to my laptop#i feel like that peter griffin lying on the ground meme rn#rambles
33 notes
·
View notes
Text
you guys really don’t get him tbfh
#I would’ve felt bad drowning this one bc op’s heart is in the right place lol#but dean stans Please stop flattening him as a character. he’s so much more interesting when you accept that he sucks#and it’s always ppl who paid no attention to sam who react to jack as if his arc was brand new to the show#as if the way dean abused jack wasn’t a 1:1 reflection of how he treated sam in s4-s5#dean doesn’t make ppl feel safe lmfao that isn’t his priority. his priority is keeping them (sam) alive by any means necessary#including means that violate mental and physical boundaries#and dean is only Good With Kids until they’re old enough to start doing things he disagrees with#sam is the one who connects with the troubled teens and the kids who hate their families#dean connects with kids who are young enough to hero-worship him#this sounds super harsh but. you can even take his relationship with ben alone as an example#spn
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
My contribution to Leodia Week this year: Crossover AU with Elden Ring 🌞 🌚
For people who know a little bit about ER it should be obvious who they are stand-ins for in the original lore haha. Anyways lore dump for this AU below the cut
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As an infant, Diana was found orphaned by the Knights of Leyndell, Royal Capital. They took her in among their ranks and, once she came of age, allowed her to train with the other initiates, hoping to mold her into a loyal servant of the Golden Order.
During that time she befriended Leona, a fellow knight initiate of mysterious origin with fiery red locks and an even fierier spirit in battle.
However, while Leona remained fully devout to the Erdtree's cause, over the years Diana saw her own faith in the Golden Order begin to waver, especially once she discovered their treatment of non-human races such as the Albinaurics and Misbegotten. She frequently challenged the will of her superiors, becoming a thorn in the side to the Royal Capital.
This tension reached breaking point when as a late teen, Diana was revealed to be an Empyrean, someone capable of forming a connection with an Outer God. And so, Diana's very existence became a threat to the reigning Goddess and the Greater Will. Knowing the schematics of the Golden Order and fearing for her life, Diana fled the Capital.
Leona was heartbroken, for as far as she knew, her friend disappeared overnight. In truth, Diana went on to Liurnia, where she discovered the Full Moon and eventually came to lead the Raya Lucaria Academy.
Years later, Leona, now a Champion of the Golden Order, was tasked to lead the golden host and conquer Leyndell's surrounding territories in the name of the Greater Will. Her aggressive campaign lead her to Liurnia and the front steps of the Raya Lucaria Academy.
She did not expect to see her old friend, now a fully fledged Queen of Caria, standing on the battlefield and single-handedly repelling the Leyndell army's assault, aided by the majesty of the night sky she conjured.
#for what happens next see Radagon and Rennala's lore from Elden Ring it's both fascinating and kinda hilarious#basically Leona (Radagon) was so smitten she immediately gave up on her crusade#repented her sins#and professed her love to Diana (:#also a side note Leona is indeed a secret clone/construct of the Golden Order goddess in this au (going with that interpretation here)#her other eye is inhuman and obscured to hide this connection#(the real reason is I had trouble drawing her other eye but shhhhh)#leodia week#leodia week 2023#leona league of legends#diana league of legends#art of legends#quail scratches#god I love making weird aus that make sense to no one but me
43 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
otherside-wanderer
Minecraft as an Artform
kyunicorn-chan
At home in the clouds...
mukenarendaterbaru-blog
0857.3504.2340 Grosir Mukena Murah
onrumpamarkai-blog
My Kid’s Toys