I legit thought my computer was going to explode a few minutes ago. The Nvidia card made a sound like it had been literally kicked in the nuts into high gear. Everything froze. Then all 3 sets of considerable fans in the case blasted on. Hard shutting down (holding the power button down) did not work for about 10 very long seconds, giving me plenty of time to wonder if this was how death was going to come for me. I honestly kinda wish it would have. This thing might as well kill me as a grand finale.

In other news, Dell removed their most current BIOS and the previous 3 versions. I'm sure there's nothing suspicious about that and that everything Dell is doing is really cool and awesome and will promote perfectly working computers.

I know it's not all Dell PCs but, God bless, it's more than just one or two, if my research proves anything. I wish I could get a refund so I could trade this off for something that actually works. I wish I'd never bought it. Maybe I can save towards some entry level PC that can't game or vid (which is no different from what I have right now) but might not make me feel like I'm taking my life in my hands just turning it on. I don't want to be scared of my own computer and I actually really am of this one.

If I disappear for good, just know I love you all and I died doing the thing I love the most: endless computer repairs. 😑

I'm joking... well, about loving endless computer repairs at least. ☠️

i think it’s so fucking funny when people talk about depression and suicide and say things like “you’re loved. i love you. i care. you matter🥺” and i just laugh and think to myself ‘i could slit my arms open wrist to elbow and bleed out and you wouldn’t even fucking know.’ Nothing in your life would change. You’d go about your day and i would take up absolutely 0 space in your mind or life. Stop lying to people. The only impact my death would have would be putting my parents even deeper into debt with funeral costs. I can’t even die without being a fucking problem.

An apology to the loyal people who follow me. Warning: read the tags!

To all of my lovely readers--anyone who's stuck around--I'm sorry I haven't posted anything in a very long time. I know I've said this before, but real life has been kicking my ass in every way possible for the last few months. The truth of it is that I've really been battling severe depression for a long time. Depression that has completely sapped my desire to write. I miss my characters so much, and I have chapters I've pieced together in those moments when the urge hits and I can work up the energy. I'll post them soon. I promise.

Depression isn't the only thing. Well, it's the root cause of a lot of things. Worry about work and general life only makes it harder to keep up the energy. There have been a lot of times recently where I've contemplated a way out. Where all I've wanted was to go to sleep and not wake up again. I've felt so guilty about abandoning all of you because my absolute greatest fear is being abandoned myself.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I've let you all down . I'll do better.

Venting the hell out feel free to ignore

It's getting harder to leave bed these days and it's even harder to stay awake, I'm exhausted and not totally sure if there's a reason at all to leave the house, i love my career, i love uni, i love my friends. I dont love the person i am right now, im tired, im angry and i want to go home but im in my room and i wanna leave but I'm scared and i wanna take a break but i have too many deadlines, im tired

Trigger warning: depression topic

To everyone of my writer-/artist friends and fans who’s struggling with depression or any kind of mental health issue:

Please remember that you are loved by so many people and that seeking time off is normal and totally ok.

I know from personal experience (because I too struggle with medium depressive episodes from time to time) that living with that *thing* is hard and that it’s basically draining the life from your body. But don’t worry 😉…

… there is ALWAYS light at the end of the tunnel. Always.

Please be self aware of your mental health my friends 😘

Your Roxy

starving so I can take more pictures for him

It doesn’t get better with time. It gets worse. People leave. Love dies. Patience and understanding grows thin.

My life is utterly destroyed.

yall i fasted like three days straight n lost a lil over 2 lbs IM OUT THE RUT

Trigger warning: depression

4 days. That's how long my brand new computer managed to make it in between blue screens. And here's the thing that has taken the hope from me: the updates worked. Dell issued a new BIOS, Nvidia and Intel new graphics drivers and everything steadied out for 4 lovely days.

Until Windows 11 covertly overrode the pause I have on updates and rolled the Intel driver back to the broken one. Of course it crashed. I cannot prevent Windows from doing this. It did it stealthily, there's no record in the Windows Update history that it did it, nor that it took half a dozen updates yesterday. But the Windows Reliability Monitor recorded the updates (again, I have updates paused because I wanted to give the system a chance to stabilize). Since both Dell and Intel want me to have the patched driver, Windows is the only thing that had the ability to roll them back as far as I can tell.

I reinstalled the new driver. Windows, though, will override me and roll it back again and it will crash. This isn't a fear, it's a certainty. Until the Intel driver is old enough to be determined "stable" by Windows, only then will it graciously allow me to keep it. Until the next version comes out, then it will force that one on me, even if this version works better. Even if the next version breaks my computer again. I can't stop it.

This computer will never probably be stable. It will always be a struggle. Dell does not consider this a problem. If they replaced it with another one of the same make, model and specs, it will have the same problem. It will always have a bleeding wound at its heart and I'll always be trying to patch that wound while Windows rips the patches away.

Anyway, guess I'm done vidding and making GIFs, can't get Vegas working in such an unstable state. It was fun getting to feel like a gamer for a little bit but nothing's going to launch like this. I can just keep writing by hand and never posting again. It's a "nothing of value was lost" win for everybody who's ever told me that my "creations" clutter up the fandom tags and make people waste valuable time trying to find things "of talent and substance around all the crap" I post.

Yeah, I'm super depressed right now but that's not me just having a pity party, I've legit been told that.

Given how much I've been complaining lately, it won't seem like it but I really do try not to post negative stuff a lot. I want to be somebody who makes others feel better with the things I put out there and this definitely isn't a feel-good post, sorry. Well, there'll be some people out there apparently thinking this is the best news ever, so yeah, guess this brightened somebody's day at least.

I'll try to pull myself back together, struggle to keep the computer going, see if I can find ways to stabilize it enough to be able to do some of the things I used to love to do. I just got so discouraged when I realized this is a chronic thing, not something that can be solved and put behind me. I'm just sad. Sorry again. Hope you're doing well out there. I love you and miss you.

I wish I could stop counting every bite ..

my only motivation is to create a body my younger self would be proud of, stick and bones

i dont typically share anything personal and just reblog on tumblr but i wanted to share this vent art with someone so here ig