To the younger people who do not understand, once upon a time in America and elsewhere, total eradication of diseases was the goal of public health programs, and while they did not all succeed and there were definitely fuckups (like the entire early US handling of the AIDS epidemic), that goal was considered sane and just and normal--and the eradication of polio was lauded! Public health programs and science at their best! We got rid of a disease that killed people and destroyed lives and we got rid of it so well that we don't even vax against it anymore.*

And one worldwide pandemic later, as infections and reinfections of a novel virus play absolute havoc with people's bodies and immune systems, FUCKING POLIO suddenly reappears and we are seeing a resurgence of other diseases and people being absolutely flattened by a strange, long flu season?

And people are acting like this is normal? That dropping all safety precautions and expecting people to get 1-2 Covid infections a year is normal and just how things have always been? Instead of fighting it as hard as we could in the first place like what used to be the goal???

There are going to be (and already are) so many longstanding medical conditions from this and that is not even mentioning whatever measles-like bullshit it is doing to immune systems.

And not to be that person but hospital workers are already Done, the system is already exhausted.

*in America

I scream. Keep your fucking masks on. And follow ProjectN95 on Twitter if you want links to good quality masks.

On Being a Published Writer: Without a Degree

This is a bit of a vulnerable share today, and I am writing it after a sleepless night, the monster of anxiety and shame weighing heavily on my chest. However, I have come far in life and undergone an incredible amount of healing, and refuse to be ashamed of my past. I hope sharing this can help even one person like me remember that when it comes to craft, when it comes to art, the only thing stopping you from being worthy is you.

This year, I became a published writer. After years of hard work and dedication to my craft, I finally felt good enough to begin submitting my work to literary magazines. I'm proud of that accomplishment. It's a little tag I get to add to my bio now as I submit work that helps make me feel *valid.* But that quickly, all it takes is for someone to remind me that I did not have access to a degree, that I did not learn from the best, and I will spend the rest of my life without a formal education behind my writing, and they achieve the goal they set out: to make me feel less than for not having their background.

In America, the education system is for profit and public school system inconsistent. There are many factors that can contribute to whether or not a person gets through it successfully, and it often has little to do with intelligence, work ethic, or strength of character and drive before the age of 18.

So here is my story:

I graduated high school with a 2.1 GPA.

My first hospitalization (out of the 17 I would have in my life) for edometriomas happened at age 15. I spent the majority of high school struggling with chronic pain, stage four endometriosis and the accompanying endometriomas cysts, and illness. By age 16, social services was threatened by my school to be called on my home for suspected neglect and abuse. I moved out of my house that year, and was given temporary guardianship by a friends family.

By the end of my senior year, I continued to bounce around between friends houses, sometimes sleeping in my car, and struggled to keep on top of my coursework. I was enrolled in the work study program designed for students who had to keep a job during their high school years, and earned school credits for staying employed.

Despite all of this, I still maintained high grades in Advance Placement literature and language, proceeded to get 5's on my AP tests (a perfect score, and a rare accomplishment) as well as near perfect scores on my ACT's. I spent every spare second reading and writing from the moment I learned how. My intelligence and comprehension were not the issue. My health and my home life were.

The only reason I got into college at all was because I decided to audition for a school play freshman year. Much to my surprise, I was cast in the lead role, and thus the course of my life was set. I poured everything I had into acting, I finally had a purpose and something to keep me out of having to go home after school. Still, applying for colleges was one of the most stressful and shame inducing experiences of my life. I got into many top performance programs in the country, then would not get into the university itself with my GPA. The conservatories that did not look into school performance did not provide the financial assistance required for me to attend.

There was one university that offered limited talent admissions that would allow the university admission requirements to be overlooked for students that had displayed exceptional talent in their specialized field of study. I had to put together a request for the school board, complete with letters from my high school teachers providing context for my low GPA paired with high test scores, character assessments on my likely ability to maintain the minimum required GPA in college, as well as a letter from the head of the performing arts department of the university stating that I was worthy of this talent exception. The wait was unbearable. But I was accepted. And I was approved for the work study program that allowed me to gain employment at the university to help offset the cost.

I felt like my whole life had changed in college. I had gotten in. I had gotten out. I was a new person, no one knowing about my past or the stain of my struggles. I had a fresh start. While I continued to battle my illness throughout college, it was manageable with a consistent bed to sleep in every night, as well as access to physical and mental health services. And although I tested out of being required to take any English classes with AP, I still filled my elective credits with writing classes. Screenwriting, playwriting, poetry, creative writing. Performing became my work, and writing became my joy. I took every class that sounded remotely interesting, often filling my schedule more than required on top of my work and performance load.

I am withholding some of the more personal details of my life, but when I finally moved out to LA, I hit the ground running. I accomplished more in a few years than fellow artists and performers who had been out there for more than a decade. And I valued every person I met. I was in small, independent theatre shows with Juliard grads. I was on professional sets with wildly naturally talented people working to get their GED with no formal education but that undeniable *it* factor. People from all walks of life set out for the Angel City to make it, and I was one of them. I also began writing again, this time short films and audition monologues. I began writing pieces for friends and classmates at their request. I secured my first talent agent with a performance piece that I wrote, along with an offer to renegotiate my contract to include literary representation should I complete a script worth shopping. I began to organize applications for writing fellowships at top studios, when my condition became so severe the only option to move forward with my life was surgery. And then my life completely changed again.

I came out of that surgery with nerve damage that left me unable to walk for six months, as well as developed a new permanent nervous system disorder.

My career and my life never recovered. I was permanently changed. However, during that time, I turned one of my sci-fi short films I had written into a 160k word novel, with outlines for a trilogy. While it was one of the darkest times of my life, writing got me through it. I moved out of Los Angeles to a more affordable city and threw myself into writing. I learned that ivy league schools like Stanford, Harvard, and Yale shared their syllabi for continued study coursework online, including the required textbooks for the courses. Example here. I took myself through the textbooks and coursework of top schools, I took every local workshop possible when it was in budget. Any education on craft that was within my means, I reached for.

I will never be able to change the course of my life. I will likely never be able to go back to school. However, this amazing video by Bandon Sanderson helped me overcome my shame, my lack of access to returning to higher education when my life and career were irrevocably changed: Be Anything But an English Major

I had already done what he had encouraged, pick a subject I was passionate about, fill my college coursework with things I found interesting, and let it inform my writing. While this is not to disrespect or degrade English majors or say successful authors think the degree is worthless, I am simply sharing to say this video helped ME combat against English majors who made me feel worthless for not having access to their diploma.

So to anyone feeling insecure today, you do not need a degree in the arts. Whether you want to be an author, an actor, a painter, a fashion designer, a poet. And I say this as someone whose greatest privilege and joy in life was getting a performing arts degree.

We must continue to prioritize art being accessible, value diverse backgrounds, and wish for it to be open and available to all. We must continue to treat art as subjective, and reject ideals that learning from a certain set of paid individuals makes all other opinions, choices, or ideas invalid.

There is no dollar amount I could give to a piece of paper that would make my mind, my intelligence, and my ability to organize and understand words in an impactful way that would make me more valid than I am today. There is no degree that could replace my work ethic, my empathy, my desire to write stories to do good. To give something to the world and help people survive in the ways that I had needed to survive.

Maybe I'll tell this story again one day, and it will help another young person with my background believe there may be more in life than the cards they were dealt. Maybe this will be the first and last time sharing these words. Maybe I'll never get another piece published, but will continue to write fanfic and poetry and prose pieces to share on the internet for free because I believe in my heart it is valuable. To look at myself, and my work, and deem myself worthy of my efforts and passion.

I am proud to be a member of the community of published writers without a degree.

I am even more proud to be a member of online fandoms full of writers, artists, creators, contributors and more who give their free time and energy towards something that does nothing more than make others happy.

So,

to the people who look at the stars and wish.

to the stars who listen— and the dreams that are answered,

this one is for you.

There's this thing in America right now where being mean is en vogue. I'm good at returning it and being an asshole but being angry is exhausting for me. Maybe it's always been that way but it has more righteous political motivation since Trump. and it comes from both sides. Like they learned it from the Joker or what not. But it's ok to roast people you don't like because they deserve it. You can come up with all sorts of prejudice and reasons for it. It's still prejudice. You don't really know someone until you sit down and talk to them. And people think stalking your social media is you talking to them. Even if you've shut down your Facebook, twitter, Insta and all the forward facing public shit they'll find your private life somehow. They think this is ok. In some very rare cases maybe? But people think they can invade your life on that premise often come up with reasons that are timely, plausible and righteous. Just like they did in Nazi Germany or the Mccarthy era. You are a spy for China. You come from a family or bloodline that someone doesn't like. You don't belong in this neighborhood you've lived in for twelve years. You said some shit about Karl Marx once favorably. There's a point when that provocation or revolutionary spirit goes overboard. And I think we're getting to that now. When you see somebody suffering all the time for the sins of the father or what not. And you've proven your acid test of someone's life doesn't match the same judgement of your own. I can be the villain all day. It doesn't really suit me. If I'm a villain for anything it's for coming up with ways to still be myself. But you bully someone enough with whatever reasons you have to a point where the glass house paradigm comes into play. These people switch from bully to victim real quick and you see it with conservative right wing radicals like the proud boys who escape jail time and come up with excuses. Or that MMA guy who thinks the matrix is after him. Oh I have a health condition. I'm working class yet I am also a viral sensation singing about rich men in Richmond. I thought you were talking about British Columbia honestly. Love the Chinese food out there. Speaking of China. It's the same mentality. There's a point where America's self righteous talk about freedom isn't carrot and stick. It's a billy club used to beat everyone who doesn't submit on the world stage. And if you look around the world stage everything is out of control. The trick for me has always been the balance between giving back the same energy and still remaining the person I am inside. Kind, vigilant, caring and attentive. Only a few people deserve that and they can feel it as can I regardless what the medium is. If you are here to roast me or fuck with my life? Just remember however hard you watch me? There are people watching you do what you do. And my advice in a non malicious way is that time is running out for people to act like this is all a joke. There's a real price for things down the road. Lord knows I've been paying it for three years. I can't be the target forever. There's a point when you stand up to bullshit tactics and you find these people don't have an emergent strategy. One trick ponies only last in the rodeo one or two seasons. Then it's off to the glue factory. Remember whatever you throw out there in terms of shade comes back and sticks eventually. I'm not here to forgive people for it after what I've been through. But just like always I'm going to look the other way when karma works it all out.

Pride Month has arrived!

While every day is a time to be proud of your identity and orientation, June is that extra special time for boldly celebrating with and for the LGBTQIA+ community (yes, there are more than lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender folx in the queer community). June was chosen to honor the Stonewall Riots which happened in 1969. Like other celebratory months, LGBT Pride Month started as a weeklong series of events and expanded into a full month of festivities.

2021 is also the 5th anniversary of the Pulse nightclub shooting in Orlando where 49 members of our community were murdered on June 12, 2016. On the main floor of the John C. Hitt Library there will be display cases with items from the University Archives relating to Pulse memorials as well as a display wall honoring the lives lost. Both of these library memorials were created in partnership with UCF LGBTQ Services. UCF will also be hosting several events in June to help the community remember, grieve and grow stronger. Full listing of events is available on the Pulse Remembrance event calendar.

Additional Pulse memorial events will be hosted by the onePULSE Foundation.  An memorial archival collection from the first anniversary of the shooting can be found as part of the Resilience: Remembering Pulse in the STARS Citizen Curator collection.

In honor of Pride Month, UCF Library faculty and staff suggested books from the UCF collection that represent a wide array of queer authors and characters. Click on the read more link below to see the full list, descriptions, and catalog links. There is also an extensive physical display on the main floor of the John C. Hitt Library near the Research & Information Desk.

All Adults Here by Emma Straub Emma Straub's unique alchemy of wisdom, humor, and insight come together in a deeply satisfying story about adult siblings, aging parents, high school boyfriends, middle school mean girls, the lifelong effects of birth order, and all the other things that follow us into adulthood, whether we like them to or not. Suggested by Rachel Mulvihill, Downtown Library

 All the Young Men: a memoir of love, AIDS, and chosen family in the American South by Ruth Coker Burks & Kevin Carr O'Leary A gripping and triumphant tale of human compassion, is the true story of Ruth Coker Burks, a young single mother in Hot Springs, Arkansas, who finds herself driven to the forefront of the AIDS crisis, and becoming a pivotal activist in America’s fight against AIDS. Suggested by Megan Haught, Student Learning & Engagement/Research & Information Services

 And the Band Played On: politics, people and the AIDS epidemic by Randy Shilts An international bestseller, a nominee for the National Book Critics Circle Award, and made into a critically acclaimed movie, Shilts' expose revealed why AIDS was allowed to spread unchecked during the early 80's while the most trusted institutions ignored or denied the threat. One of the few true modern classics, it changed and framed how AIDS was discussed in the following years. Suggested by Becky Hammond, Special Collections & University Archives

 Big Gay Adventures in Education: supporting LGBT+ visibility and inclusion in schools edited by Daniel Tomlinson-Gray A collection of true stories by 'out' teachers, and students of 'out' teachers, all about their experiences in schools. The book aims to empower LGBT+ teachers to be the role models they needed when they were in school and help all teachers and school leaders to promote LGBT+ visibility and inclusion. Each story is accompanied by an editor’s note reflecting on the contributor’s experience and the practical implications for schools and teachers in supporting LGBT+ young people and ensuring they feel safe and included in their school communities. Suggested by Terrie Sypolt, Research & Information Services

 Call Me By Your Name by André Aciman The sudden and powerful attraction between a teenage boy and a summer guest at his parents' house on the Italian Riviera has a profound and lasting influence that will mark them both for a lifetime. Suggested by Rebecca Hawk, Circulation

 Fun Home: a family tragicomic by Alison Bechdel Meet Alison's father, a historic preservation expert and obsessive restorer of the family's Victorian house, a third-generation funeral home director, a high school English teacher, an icily distant parent, and a closeted homosexual who, as it turns out, is involved with male students and a family babysitter. Through narrative that is alternately heartbreaking and fiercely funny, we are drawn into a daughter's complex yearning for her father. And yet, apart from assigned stints dusting caskets at the family-owned 'fun home, ' as Alison and her brothers call it, the relationship achieves its most intimate expression through the shared code of books. When Alison comes out as homosexual herself in late adolescence, the denouement is swift, graphic, and redemptive. Suggested by Michael Furlong, UCF Connect Libraries

 Gender Queer: a memoir by Maia Kobabe; colors by Phoebe Kobabe In 2014, Maia Kobabe, who uses e/em/eir pronouns, thought that a comic of reading statistics would be the last autobiographical comic e would ever write. At the time, it was the only thing e felt comfortable with strangers knowing about em. Maia's intensely cathartic autobiography charts eir journey of self-identity, which includes the mortification and confusion of adolescent crushes, grappling with how to come out to family and society, bonding with friends over erotic gay fanfiction, and facing the trauma and fundamental violation of pap smears. Started as a way to explain to eir family what it means to be nonbinary and asexual, this is more than a personal story: it is a useful and touching guide on gender identity--what it means and how to think about it--for advocates, friends, and humans everywhere. Suggested by Megan Haught, Student Learning & Engagement/Research & Information Services

 Heaven's Coast: a memoir by Mark Doty The harmonious partnership of two gay men is shattered when they learn that one has tested positive for the HIV virus. Suggested by Claudia Davidson, Downtown Library

 Hurricane Child by Kheryn Callender Born on Water Island in the Virgin Islands during a hurricane, which is considered bad luck, twelve-year-old Caroline falls in love with another girl--and together they set out in a hurricane to find Caroline's missing mother. Suggested by Rebecca Hawk, Circulation

 Last Night at the Telegraph Club by Malinda Lo Seventeen-year-old Lily Hu can't remember exactly when the question took root, but the answer was in full bloom the moment she and Kathleen Miller walked under the flashing neon sign of a lesbian bar called the Telegraph Club. America in 1954 is not a safe place for two girls to fall in love, especially not in Chinatown. Red-Scare paranoia threatens everyone, including Chinese Americans like Lily. With deportation looming over her father--despite his hard-won citizenship--Lily and Kath risk everything to let their love see the light of day. Suggested by Claudia Davidson, Downtown Library

 Laura Dean Keeps Breaking Up with Me by Mariko Tamaki & Rosemary Valero-O’Connell All Freddy Riley wants is for Laura Dean to stop breaking up with her. The day they got together was the best one of Freddy's life, but nothing's made sense since. Laura Dean is popular, funny, and SO CUTE ... but she can be really thoughtless, even mean. Their on-again, off-again relationship has Freddy's head spinning - and Freddy's friends can't understand why she keeps going back. When Freddy consults the services of a local mystic, the mysterious Seek-Her, she isn't thrilled with the advice she receives. But something's got to give: Freddy's heart is breaking in slow motion, and she may be about to lose her very best friend as well as her last shred of self-respect. Mariko Tamaki and Rosemary Valero-O'Connell bring to life a sweet and spirited tale of young love that asks us to consider what happens when we ditch the toxic relationships we crave to embrace the heathy ones we need. Suggested by Sara Duff, Acquisitions & Collections

 LGBT Health: meeting the needs of gender and sexual minorities edited by K. Bryant Smalley, Jacob C. Warren, K. Nikki Barefoot A first-of-its-kind, comprehensive view of mental, medical, and public health conditions within the LGBT community. This book examines the health outcomes and risk factors that gender and sexual minority groups face while simultaneously providing evidence-based clinical recommendations and resources for meeting their health needs. Drawing from leading scholars and practitioners of LGBT health, this holistic, centralized text synthesizes epidemiologic, medical, psychological, sociological, and public health research related to the origins of, current state of, and ways to improve LGBT health. Suggested by Sandy Avila, Research & Information Services

 Lived Experience: reflections on LGBTQ life by Delphine Diallo  A beautiful series of full-color portraits of LGBTQ people over the age of fifty, accompanied by interviews. Suggested by Jacqui Johnson, Cataloging

 Love is for Losers by Wibke Bruggemann When Phoebe's mother ditches her to work as a doctor for an international human rights organization, she is stuck living with her mom's best friend, Kate, and helping out at Kate's thrift shop. There she meet Emma. Phoebe tries to shield her head and her heart from experiencing love-- after all, love is for losers, right? Suggested by Pam Jaggernauth, Curriculum Materials Center

 Man Into Woman: an authentic record of a change of sex edited by Niels Hoyer This riveting account of the transformation of the Danish painter Einar Wegener into Lili Elbe is a remarkable journey from man to woman. Einar Wegener was a leading artist in late 1920's Paris. One day his wife Grete asked him to dress as a woman to model for a portrait. It was a shattering event which began a struggle between his public male persona and emergent female self, Lili. Einar was forced into living a double life; enjoying a secret hedonist life as Lili, with Grete and a few trusted friends, whilst suffering in public as Einar, driven to despair and almost to suicide. Doctors, unable to understand his condition, dismissed him as hysterical. Lili eventually forced Einar to face the truth of his being - he was, in fact, a woman. This bizarre situation took an extraordinary turn when it was discovered that his body contained primitive female sex organs. There followed a series of dangerous experimental operations and a confrontation with the conventions of the age until Lili was eventually liberated from Einar - a freedom that carried the ultimate price. Suggested by Richard Harrison, Research & Information Services

 On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous by Ocean Vuong This is a letter from a son to a mother who cannot read. Written when the speaker, Little Dog, is in his late twenties, the letter unearths a family's history that began before he was born -- a history whose epicenter is rooted in Vietnam -- and serves as a doorway into parts of his life his mother has never known, all of it leading to an unforgettable revelation. At once a witness to the fraught yet undeniable love between a single mother and her son, it is also a brutally honest exploration of race, class, and masculinity. Suggested by Rachel Mulvihill, Downtown Library

 Queer Objects edited by Chris Brickell & Judith Collard Queer lives give rise to a vast array of objects: the things we fill our houses with, the gifts we share with our friends, the commodities we consume at work and at play, the clothes and accessories we wear, various reminders of state power, as well as the analogue and digital technologies we use to communicate with one another. But what makes an object queer? 63 chapters consider this question in relation to lesbian, gay and transgender communities across time, cultures and space. In this unique international collaboration, well-known and newer writers traverse world history to write about items ranging from ancient Egyptian tomb paintings and Roman artefacts to political placards, snapshots, sex toys and the smartphone. Suggested by Megan Haught, Student Learning & Engagement/Research & Information Services

 Real Life by Brandon Taylor A novel of rare emotional power that excavates the social intricacies of a late-summer weekend -- and a lifetime of buried pain. Almost everything about Wallace, an introverted African-American transplant from Alabama, is at odds with the lakeside Midwestern university town where he is working toward a biochem degree. For reasons of self-preservation, Wallace has enforced a wary distance even within his own circle of friends -- some dating each other, some dating women, some feigning straightness. But a series of confrontations with colleagues, and an unexpected encounter with a young straight man, conspire to fracture his defenses, while revealing hidden currents of resentment and desire that threaten the equilibrium of their community. Suggested by Sara Duff, Acquisitions & Collections

 Riley Can’t Stop Crying by Stephanie Boulay While his sister tries everything to help, a young boy isn't sure why he can't stop crying in this transitional picture book. Suggested by Pam Jaggernauth, Curriculum Materials Center

 Supporting Success for LGBTQ+ Students: tools for inclusive campus practice by Cindy Ann Kilgo This book aims to serve as a one-stop resource for faculty and staff in higher education settings who are seeking to enhance their campus climate and systems of support for LGBTQ+ student success. Included are theoretical frameworks and conceptual models that can be used in practice. Suggested by Terrie Sypolt, Research & Information Services

 The City and the Pillar: a novel by Gore Vidal Jim, a handsome, all-American athlete, has always been shy around girls. But when he and his best friend, Bob, partake in “awful kid stuff,” the experience forms Jim’s ideal of spiritual completion. Defying his parents’ expectations, Jim strikes out on his own, hoping to find Bob and rekindle their amorous friendship. Along the way he struggles with what he feels is his unique bond with Bob and with his persistent attraction to other men. Upon finally encountering Bob years later, the force of his hopes for a life together leads to a devastating climax. The first novel of its kind to appear on the American literary landscape, this remains a forthright and uncompromising portrayal of sexual relationships between men. Suggested by Richard Harrison, Research & Information Services

 The Invisible Orientation: an introduction to asexuality by Julie Sondra Decker Julie Sondra Decker outlines what asexuality is, counters misconceptions, provides resources, and puts asexual people's experiences in context as they move through a sexualized world. It includes information for asexual people to help understand their orientation and what it means for their relationships, as well as tips and facts for those who want to understand their asexual friends and loved ones. Suggested by Dawn Tripp, Research & Information Services

 The New Testament by Jericho Brown The world of Jericho Brown's second book, disease runs through the body, violence runs through the neighborhood, memories run through the mind, trauma runs through generations. Almost eerily quiet in even the bluntest of poems, Brown gives us the ache of a throat that has yet to say the hardest thing-and the truth is coming on fast. Suggested by Claudia Davidson, Downtown Library

 The Prophets by Robert Jones With a lyricism reminiscent of Toni Morrison, Robert Jones, Jr., fiercely summons the voices of slaver and enslaved alike, from Isaiah and Samuel to the calculating slave master to the long line of women that surround them, women who have carried the soul of the plantation on their shoulders. As tensions build and the weight of centuries—of ancestors and future generations to come—culminates in a climactic reckoning, masterfully reveals the pain and suffering of inheritance, but is also shot through with hope, beauty, and truth, portraying the enormous, heroic power of love. Suggested by Rachel Mulvihill, Downtown Library

 The Ship We Built by Lexie Bean A fifth-grader whose best friends walked away, whose mother is detached, and whose father does unspeakable things, copes with the help of friend Sofie and anonymous letters tied to balloons and released. Includes a list of resources related to abuse, gender, sexuality, and more. Suggested by Pam Jaggernauth, Curriculum Materials Center

 Tinderbox: the untold story of the Up Stairs Lounge fire and the rise of gay liberation by Robert W. Fieseler Buried for decades, the Up Stairs Lounge tragedy has only recently emerged as a catalyzing event of the gay liberation movement. In revelatory detail, Robert W. Fieseler chronicles the tragic event that claimed the lives of thirty-one men and one woman on June 24, 1973, at a New Orleans bar, the largest mass murder of gays until 2016. Relying on unprecedented access to survivors and archives, Fieseler creates an indelible portrait of a closeted, blue- collar gay world that flourished before an arsonist ignited an inferno that destroyed an entire community. The aftermath was no less traumatic--families ashamed to claim loved ones, the Catholic Church refusing proper burial rights, the city impervious to the survivors' needs--revealing a world of toxic prejudice that thrived well past Stonewall. Yet the impassioned activism that followed proved essential to the emergence of a fledgling gay movement. Fieseler restores honor to a forgotten generation of civil-rights martyrs. Suggested by Andy Todd, UCF Connect Libraries

 Transgender: a reference handbook by Aaron Devor and Ardel Haefele-Thomas This book provides a crucial resource for readers who are investigating trans issues. It takes a diverse and historic approach, focusing on more than one idea or one experience of trans identity or trans history. The book takes contemporary as well as historic aspects into consideration. It looks at ancient indigenous cultures that honored third, fourth, and fifth gender identities as well as more contemporary ideas of what "transgender" means. Notably, it focuses not only on Western medical ideas of gender affirmation but on cultural diversity surrounding the topic. This book will primarily serve as a reference guide and jumping off point for further research for those seeking information about what it means to be transgender. Suggested by Richard Harrison, Research & Information Services

 Transnational LGBT Activism: working for sexual rights worldwide by Ryan R. Thoreson Thoreson argues that the idea of LGBT human rights is not predetermined but instead is defined by international activists who establish what and who qualifies for protection. He shows how International Gay and Lesbian Human Rights Commission (IGLHRC) formed and evolved, who is engaged in this work, how they conceptualize LGBT human rights, and how they have institutionalized their views at the United Nations and elsewhere. After a full year of in-depth research in New York City and Cape Town, South Africa, Thoreson is able to reconstruct IGLHRC’s early campaigns and highlight decisive shifts in the organization’s work from its founding to the present day. Suggested by Sandy Avila, Research & Information Services

 Upright Women Wanted by Sarah Gailey Esther is a stowaway. She's hidden herself away in the Librarian's book wagon in an attempt to escape the marriage her father has arranged for her--a marriage to the man who was previously engaged to her best friend. Her best friend who she was in love with. Her best friend who was just executed for possession of resistance propaganda. The future American Southwest is full of bandits, fascists, and queer librarian spies on horseback trying to do the right thing. Suggested by Sara Duff, Acquisitions & Collections

 Walt Whitman's Songs of Male Intimacy and Love: "Live oak, with moss" and "Calamus" edited by Betsy Erkkila This volume includes Whitman's handwritten manuscript version of the twelve "Live oak, with moss" poems along side with a print transcription of these poems on the opposite page, followed by a facsimile of the original version of the "Calamus" poems published in the 1860-61 edition of Leaves of grass, and a reprint of the final version of the "Calamus" poems in the 1881 edition of Leaves of grass. Suggested by Rebecca Hawk, Circulation

Iran Classic Tour

Travel Hub Iran is an online journey agency offering Iran’s most inspiring selection of reasonably priced FIT or group tours, safaris and actions. Our journeys embrace authentic accommodation, unique delicacies and local transport to put vacationers on a first-name foundation with the planet’s people, cultures, landscapes. Tehran Urban Adventures provides day excursions with an area expert information in Tehran. On this present day, you will be pushed to the airport of Shiraz to fly back to your country. You can discover it in all restaurants in Shiraz, but when wish to eat the most effective one, I suggest you eat at Haftkhan restaurant. Haft khan restaurant is doubtless certainly one of the best restaurants in Shiraz that has seven flooring and also you can eat different kinds of food there. Haft khan restaurant can also be well-known due to serving scrumptious Shirazi Halva. Enjoy two full days exploring this stunning city, Iran’s capital from 1598 to 1722. Begin in the Maydan-e Shah, or Royal Square, stopping on the exquisitely tiled Lotfallah Mosque, the Ali Qapu Palace and the towering portal of the Shah Mosque. Visit three of the 5 bridges that cross the Zayendehrud River, together with the beautiful two-story Khaju Bridge. Celebrate the top of our extraordinary journey at a farewell dinner. Along the way stop at the website of Pasargad, near which Cyrrus the Great built the first Achaemenian capital. Upon arrival in Shiraz, stop at the tomb of the celebrated poet Hafez earlier than checking in to our hotel. Savor dinner at a delightful native restaurant this evening. The Exploration Of Sustainable Landscape In Iran Still, the separate palaces are scattered apparently based on no rule, so that it isn't an easy matter to reconstruct (as in a measure it was potential to do in the Egyptian temple at Deir-el-Bakhari) the good common garden-terraces. But in any case the terraces with massive backyard websites have been indubitably right here. The woodlands and gardens around their tombs had been very important to the traditional Persians. The tomb of Cyrus the Great was enclosed by four-gardens known as "Chaharbagh" and a grove, and his son Cambyses entrusted the care of it as a hereditary office to a household of Magi; when Alexander saw it, it had grown high however had been neglected. Pomegranate, almonds and persimmons are the fruit trees of this backyard that give a special character to this place. 家事服務 to the flowing of water inside it, Pahlavan Pour was a beautiful backyard from the late Qajar period. Most of the water in the garden is instantly offered by Hasaabad Qanat, and this water, except to the Pahlavan Pour, does not instantly go to any of the gardens in the space. A large pool, water circulation and the greenery of the trees are solely a half of the attraction of this backyard. The great thing about Isfahan is greatest described by the proverbial saying, Isafahan is ‘Half of the World’. Our full day tour includes visits of the Meidan Emam or Naghshe Jahan Square and go to Sheikh Lutfollah Mosque, Emam Mosque, Ali Qapou Palace and Qeisarieh Bazaar with hundreds of outlets displaying native arts and handicrafts. People’s fixed go to to particular areas on this backyard, has helped shape number of hangouts which in turn have created new identities for these areas. Large-scaled gardens nonetheless present their unique vegetation which makes it best for peace-and-quiet seekers who need to be away from the hustle and bustle of cities for just a while. You could say that gardens at present are considered a backyard for major cities; they could symbolize a green gateway to their lifestyle, social values, micro cultures, and the complex story of all those who have stepped in it. In the guts of Yazd desert, Abarqu County stands tall and proud one of Iran’s nationwide monuments generally identified as Sarv-e Abarqu . 6- The traditional Persian Garden design has also extensively influenced Persian carpet patterns. Why An Iran After land acquisition, shrine tasks are then totally funded by Iran – ostensibly from donations by devout Iranian Shi’ites and thru charities linked to Shi’ite shrine organisations, officials at the Hussein shrine mentioned. An Iranian worker of Kawthar, who declined to be named, said a lot of the money came from Iranian state coffers, however he didn’t know what quantity. A project costing in extra of $600 million “can’t simply come from donations, you want a state behind that,” he reasoned. The Iraqi state funds the initial shopping for up of personal and public land on the websites by way of price range allocations to Shi’ite religious authorities which make the acquisition, stated Rekani, the previous housing minister. It is considerably more frequent than the older atashkada, a Classical Persian language time period that together with its center Persian predecessors (𐭪𐭲𐭪 𐭠𐭲𐭧𐭱 ātaxš-kadag, -man and -xanag) literally means 'home of fireplace'. The older phrases have the advantage that they are readily understood even by non-Zoroastrian Iranians. Arab geographers referred to as this place the fire-temple of Marabin or Maras. Masudi in Meadows of Gold stated the temple was originally devoted to idol-worship and it was made into a fire-temple by King Vishtaspa, Zoroaster's authentic patron. Built between 1964 and 1970, its concrete exterior blends in with the gray of the encompassing cityscape, but the inside features colourful modern takes on traditional Armenian artwork. Iran’s strong contender for the title of world’s largest mosque, the Mosalla complex has been under building for the reason that Nineties. Architecturally somewhere between modernist and area age, with 230 meter excessive minarets and a site masking some 650,000 square meters, Mosalla is a striking manifestation of the Islamic Republic’s program of public works. It can additionally be notable as the house of the similarly enormous Tehran International Book Fair, which attracts tens of millions of holiday makers yearly. According to authors from the 1800s, between the time when the atash gah was abandoned by the Hindus in the and Modi's visit in 1925, that is, in the 1800s, the Surakhani atash gah was briefly beneath the care of Zoroastrians. Ryokan Vs Onsen Instead of bathing, white linen undies, soaking up toxins and smells, grew to become the solution of keeping the body clean. Soap was created from water poured over ash and boiled with mutton fat and herbs. 清潔公司 created a ball of scented soap lye that might be rubbed on linen and clothes. A flat paddle, called a washing bat or beetle, was used to hit the clothes in the course of the washing process – an old fashion of washing garments. It is believed that Tudor kids may have used these balls of soap and beetle bat in a sport, like cricket. Because bathing the physique was a rare event, it was frequent for people to carry pomades created from citrus fruits, spices and vinegar that might help mitigate physique odor. Located southeast of Melbourne, the Mornington Peninsula is a well-liked vacationer attraction that is home to scenic views and ecological websites. Known regionally as “the peninsula,” most of the visitors are natives of Melbourne, so a visit right here is a chance to get an genuine Australian expertise. Sunny seashores (best in Australia’s summer), expansive golf programs, and a wildlife conservation park make for a profitable combination of unique and acquainted. The springs and surrounding areas are as wealthy in historical past as they are in minerals. A nearby attraction is a field of dolmen, prehistoric chamber tombs commonly found in Israel, Syria, and Jordan. Private mineral baths are additionally out there – try a skin soak in mud or lavender vanilla milk. All of the spring waters contain restorative minerals like sodium, potassium and magnesium that regenerate the mind and physique. Tabacón Grand Spa Thermal Resort was the primary facility to open the springs to the public in a luxurious setting, and stays the most popular. The hot springs that serve its clientele come primarily from rainwater that has dripped to the Earth’s core and been geothermally heated. The sizzling spring temperature ranges from seventy seven to 122 F in some spots so be sure to remember of the place you probably can enter. Most of the water is true in the a hundred to 104 F range, perfect for soothing achy muscle tissue and joints. Medical data of health and illness nonetheless was in an toddler stage of discovery. There were some that believed bathing to be the supply of disease, and others who believed that bathing could possibly be therapeutic. The Ten Greatest Museums You Will Need To Go To In Iran For 2021 With Pictures Finally, Siah Armajani, an activist who left Iran in 1960 and have become deeply engaged with democratic beliefs in America and produced sculpture stimulating communication and social interplay, represents one more direction political artwork took among Iranians. The two major artists of the movement have been Charles Hossein Zenderoudi and Parviz Tanavoli. While he was growing a new vocabulary for two-dimensional works, Tanavoli challenged himself to create, virtually from scratch, a sculpture for modern Iran, filling the vacuum created by Islam’s ban on idolatry. Other artists were resolutely international in style, reflecting the numerous affect in their work of their coaching in Europe and the United States. Behjat Sadr’s geometric abstractions reference the process of portray and fashionable industrial materials, such as Levelor blinds and aluminum, while Mohsen Vaziri-Moqaddam produced geometric sand work and monumental sculptures with movable components. A quick description of the exhibition project including a listing of potential artists and media. As seen in this part, the method towards abstraction by postwar Iranian artists was both personal and authentic. Massoud Arabshahi and Monir Shahroudy Farmanfarmaian explored the abstract potential of Persian art through the appropriation of mystic themes and the stylization of historical artwork and of geometric mirror-work respectively. Espírito Santo is anxious with the tactile attributes of his chosen materials and with the sensuous contours of easy summary forms in area. Iran do Espírito Santo's cast concrete Playground is an interactive, monumental sculpture that was created in 2013, and was originally installed in Central Park. For Playground, this new location at The Fields Sculpture Park supplies an incredibly different environment for the viewer to expertise this work. Out Of Doors Activities In Iran, Things To Do Whether you imagine the reveals to be genuinely insightful or pure propaganda, you can’t deny the truth that this quirky museum is considered one of the extra unusual things to do in Tehran. Once you've admired Golestan Palace and got totally, utterly lost in the bazaar, you'll most likely be questioning what’s next? I was actually glad I ended up here and I actually enjoyed the beautiful architecture of this historical hammam. The seventeenth century Hasht Behesht pavillion is surrounded by stunning Persian gardens which may be free to go to. It is among the many finest issues to do in Isfahan for its lovely Persian gardens and the numerous frescoes, wall work and ceiling artworks inside. The palace was built by king Abbas to obtain friends and the gardens are actually registered as a world heritage web site. It’s something not many individuals get to experience, as a end result of most of the time Isfahans bazaar is a crowded and busy affair the place sight, sound and odor overwhelm your senses. If you have lengthy hair, tie it back in a ponytail or bun, relaxation your scarf on top of it, and wrap the 2 ends round your neck. Here is a useful listing of nine things you should know before you travel to Iran, starting from journey paperwork and what to pack to information on meals, drinks, and cultural traditions. At Wild Frontiers we do greater than pay lip companies to Responsible Tourism. Find out extra in regards to the Wild Frontiers Foundation and the way we design our adventures with the native folks, culture and eco-system in thoughts. Our assortment of travel guides offer inspiration in your subsequent adventure, in addition to sensible recommendation on tips on how to get the most out of visiting some of the world's most superb sites. I had an incredible time, now I want a few days to sort my head out! Events In Iran, Record Of All Events In Iran, Online Occasions In Iran Improvisation is an essential a half of any efficiency, and the musicians draw on their experience and mastery of technique to convey the feelings described by the music texts while adding their personal interpretations. We have different sort of arts festivals the essential one which is said to Iranian movies that is Fajr International Movie competition. All the non secular festivals are nationwide students Quran festivals, Quran Movie festivals, and Quran nationwide festivals. We have two female festivals which may be my countrywomen worldwide festivals and female invention and innovation. You may have the flexibility to go to the festivals on your own however you most likely shouldn’t. Well, almost all Iran festivals have a particular root in the tradition of the area. Iranians have fun the thirteenth and final day of Nowruz with a bang on sizdeh bedar. Parks turn into flooded with households enjoying video games, grilling kebabs, and, of course, consuming bottomless glasses of tea. In order to avoid unhealthy luck, keep outdoor all day lengthy and be a part of the festivities! If you’re alone, strike up a conversation with a family—they’ll be more than happy to take you in and feed you. It helps them to kind a deeper connection each to the people and the local culture. We need to be by your facet to dive deep into the unheard stories held inside this historic civilization referred to as Iran. From the extra recognized and nationwide ones to more unknown and regional Iran festivals. From celebrating Iranian New Year to strolling inside the alleys of Bushehr to share the joy of conventional native music. It’s all the totally different gatherings that make Iran a high vacation spot for pageant looking. The festive days in Iran have various roots such as historic beliefs of Zoroastrianism culture based mostly on Jalali Calendar or Islamic events primarily based on Lunar Calendar. Iran has an overwhelmingly Muslim inhabitants however the Christian Community has a visible presence. During Christmas times, Christmas Trees may be seen from Windows in Tehran and north-western provinces. Although Christmas has an official recognition in Iran, it is not a national vacation. In the Kurdistan region the city, which also as quickly as had a sizable Jewish population, is thought for the gorgeous bonfires that happen for this vacation. The pageant of Nowruz was celebrated across the area and the world on Saturday. Buying And Selling On The Market In A Memento Shop Tehran Iran Inventory Picture Since historic occasions, roses have been used medicinally, nutritionally, and as a supply of fragrance. Rose water, one of many nice and wonderful products of Iran, is a flavored water made by steeping rose petals in water. Additionally, it is the hydro-sol portion of the distillate of rose petals, a by-product of the manufacturing of rose oil for use in perfume. When you walk in the conventional bazaars of Iran, you will hear the sound of continuous beating in the bazaar corner. This is the sound of hammers and bars utilizing in steel engraving. Qottab, Baklava, and Lowz in several flavors like almonds, pistachios, and coconuts are some delicious selections. Hand knotted woolen carpets and rugs are other things you would contemplate a "should have" from Iran. Rich colors and workmanship make your alternative a tad too troublesome. If you desire to one thing smaller that's easy to carry then you could go for wall hangings in conventional and up to date designs. "Termeh House" in Tehran stocks one of the best "Termeh" fabric within the country however you will find retailers selling the material all over the place. Available in wealthy colours, interspersed with golden thread, this traditional Iranian woven material can be used to make nice upholstery, bed spreads and baggage. Toranj Traditional Café & Restaurant Gilaneh restaurant is a comfortable environment restaurant situated in Saba Boulevard, in Jordan street. The name of the restaurant comes from the Gilan province within the North of Iran. You can style the seafood, Northern native meals, and traditional Iranian dishes which all signifies nothing however genuine delicacies. Meaning I don’t eat that a lot however I crave unusual issues on a every day basis which my mums finds somewhat strange. I hate the waiting, specially with Iranian meals that takes ages to arrange. A blue pond, relaxing Iranian music, and the mouth-watering scent of Persian dishes. Here we’re going to list the most popular eating places in Iran. During Ramadan, the fasting month of Muslims, the restaurants offer a simple meal called Iftar along with the dinner. All the restaurants are full of people till midnight in Ramadan. Underneath the Hotel Naderi, this historic cafe has long been a favourite of intellectuals and artists. The cafe fare is limited to Turkish and French espresso and maybe a pastry or two, however the adjoining restaurant has a full menu and is identified by generations of Tehranis for its chateaubriand. Godo Yas café is the finest choice If you want to relish authentic Persian meals. The constructing used to be a Persian old house which was deserted for a while and nows turned to a wonderful café that reminds us of the old Persian grandmother’s homes. One of the qualities that makes this café a memorable place is the attractive pool in the middle of the yard that's designed with old Gol-sorkhi . Rasht Bazaar Between purchasing, strive some local road food on the primary Shahrdari Street. If you might be in Iran simply earlier than Nowruz, that is the place in Tehran to catch the hustle and bustle of recent year’s preparations. Due to its strategic location along the Silk Road, Tabriz has lengthy been an necessary center of commerce. Its historic bazaar, which was added to the UNESCO stock in 2010, is among the oldest in the Middle East. The maze of purple brick buildings with excessive ceilings and arches hyperlink different elements of the advanced, however essentially the most notable area is the rug bazaar. She had decided to not ask her potential recipient, whose husband was a low-paid bike courier, for cash on the facet. But six months after registering with the inspiration, she had no concept when she can be paid, and employees members mentioned they might not match her with one other affected person. They said that patrons and sellers undergo medical and psychological screening as nicely as vetting to prevent collusion or exchange of cash outside the official channel. He was jailed for bouncing a examine, borrowed money for bail, then was rearrested three months in the past for failing to pay again the mortgage. This time, his sister’s husband offered his own apartment as collateral to secure his launch. When lots of the flats didn't promote — due to shoddy construction and accelerating inflation — some builders fled Iran, leaving their subcontractors unpaid. But some worldwide transplant leaders level to the commercials as evidence that commercializing organ donations preys on the neediest individuals — the very thing that legal guidelines in the U.S. and elsewhere banning organ gross sales goal to prevent. U.S. sanctions on Iran’s energy sector have cost the nation more than $100 billion in lost revenues, Oil Minister Bijan Namdar Zanganeh stated in a statement on Sunday, according to the state-run Shana news company. U.S. and European firms shall be less likely to search longer-term time period contracts and work in Iran’s oil business since uncertainty will doubtless stay round sanctions. The new Iranian administration will doubtless favor continued oil gross sales to China in return for investment, Vakhshouri said. Rising demand and continued manufacturing restraints by OPEC+ and U.S. shale producers means that markets might be short by as a lot as 1.5 million barrels a day by the top of the 12 months, she said. Retail Industry in Iran unlike different emerging economic system is still very traditional in nature and is largely managed by Cooperatives and Independent retailers. Street markets play an important role within the retail industry of Iran as most of the inhabitants does their shopping right here. The Central Bank of Iran indicate that 70 p.c of the Iranians own properties with large quantities of idle money entering the housing market. However, if the stock market grows stronger, it's going to undoubtedly entice idle capital. In phrases of funding, the domestic rival markets of the bourse are the Iranian real estate market, vehicles and gold . According to Goldman Sachs, Iran is forecast to achieve the best financial progress between 2015 and 2025 and be part of the world's largest economies (world's 12th financial system by 2025). Since 2012, TSE has served as a safe haven against international sanctions and inflation. The progress of liquidity in the country and the starting of the devaluation of the Iranian rial led people to put their money into purchases of foreign currency exchange, gold, and real estate. Iran Household Visit Visa For U S Citizens I've identified my husband for a quarter of a century and we have been married 20 years; we've 2 kids aged 14 and 15 . I hope this info will assist you to prepare your travel plans. Hi Katie, some nationalities like Canadians, USA or UK do need to hire a information however this isn’t like North Korea, and the information doesn’t have to be with you always. L went to Balochistan province within the southeast of iran in 2019. In north and center of province, there are mountains and desserts, however within the south, tropical fruits are grown. The finest season for north and heart is spring, and for south is September or july. If you go there, visit maki mosque in zahedan, taftan volcano in khash, remin and beris and gowatr fishing ports in chabahar, kahir and tang gelfeshan in konarak and tropical gardens in sarbaz and zarabad. If you be sensible, you won’t have any security problem there. Hi Dre, probably there aren’t any flights because the country just isn't open for tourism yet. June and October supply barely higher offers so long as you are prepared to decorate for the heat or chill. Iran marks a selection of festivals nationwide which can disrupt journey. During the month of Ramadan , eating and ingesting in public is banned during the day and religious legal guidelines are more strictly enforced. Note that by law Americans do must have a private information with them throughout their Iran journey or e-book a gaggle tour. You can view some Intrepid Travel tour options right here as well as the company’s Women’s Expeditions right here, which are geared towards women and could also be interesting for feminine travelers. You will not be able to escape the government-sanctioned twin pricing system that applies to accommodation and a few tourist points of interest in Iran; foreigners usually pay as a lot as five occasions the price quoted to locals. Even if you’re solely going for a few days, that’s more than sufficient time to get smote by wrathful angels. Have fun in Iran, but take it from us, abroad medical care and canceled flights can be seriously expensive – insurance can, subsequently, be a life-saver. In reality, people might be super joyful to see you in their nation. They have the precise borders closed between Turkey and Iran. They have the Covid-19 ban that got here out final month. So this is a fourth barrier,” said Curtis Morrison, an lawyer representing the family within the federal case. An Introduction To Music In Iran The earliest works of Kurdish literature are these of the 16th-century poet Malaye Jaziri. Iran has one of the oldest, richest and most influential artwork heritages on the planet which encompasses many disciplines together with literature, music, dance, architecture, painting, weaving, pottery, calligraphy, metalworking and stonemasonry. Shifting one’s house base to a unique a half of the world with a special culture and/or set or mores can be an ordeal. That can count double when it happens at a very delicate stage of life. Now a longtime member of the international world music scene, the vocalist was a young 12-year-old when her father determined enough was sufficient and that issues had been becoming overly dicey in Iran. Since the brand new administration took office, the Ministry of Ershad adopted a unique policy, mainly to make it easier to observe the trade. The newly adopted policy included loosening restrictions for a small variety of artists, whereas tightening it for the rest. In the 1990s, officials of the new authorities determined to provide and promote a "first rate" pop music, in order to compete with the overseas and unofficial sources of Iranian music. It is unimaginable to talk about Iranian music in the Nineteen Seventies without mentioning Googoosh , who was essentially the most iconic feminine singer within the nation. Googoosh was on the peak of her career and was widely emulated by Iranian ladies. In addition to listening to her music, they copied her clothing and brief haircut (known because the ‘Googooshy’). After the revolution, Googoosh stayed in Iran, however she finally managed to go away the nation. After 20 years of silence, she began her profession once more in the West. She offers common live shows and continues to be very fashionable among Iranians and other Persian audio system around the world. Practicing Muslims and the so-called 'Muslim intellectuals' responded bitterly and at the finish violently to de-segregation and free and open relationships between the two sexes. Nightlife In Tehran Iranian Nights IRAN - Glowing Neon Sign on stonework wall - 3D rendered royalty free inventory illustration. Can be used for on-line banner ads and direct mailers.IRAN - Glowing Neon Sign on stonework wall - 3D rendered royalty free inventory illustration. Blurred background image of the Allahverdi Khan bridge or Si-o-se-pol at night time. Isfahan, Iran.Blurred background image of the Allahverdi Khan bridge or Si-o-se-pol at evening. “I am dealing with a new celebration of Iranian tourists, sorry,” he said before hanging up. “They are coming in waves” crowed Hurriyet in an article in regards to the newest Persian invasion of Van. “Free” is among the many final phrases used to explain Turkey nowadays. But freedom is what the nation provides to tens of 1000's of Iranian tourists who flock to their neighbor yearly. Chadors are solid off, whiskeys ordered and an orgy of unfettered enjoyable is uncorked for Iranian revelers who're formally denied such pleasures at house. The distinction between us and everyone else is our horrible documentation problem — along with our countless rewriting of our own history. Well, we've a chopped salad history of varied religions and traditions, wearing Arab, European, and more just lately American tradition. There had been 768 instances of hospitalization as a outcome of methanol poisoning in eight provinces in Iran over the course of 4 weeks in late 2018; ninety six of the sufferers died. Wine has played an important position in Persian culture and historical past ranging from administration of the earliest empires to faith and Persian literature. Downtown is pretty hard to seek out personal parties which implies you must have someone local to invite you or something as a result of it's publicly unlawful by all means. Recreation alongside the Persian Gulf Lake or Chitgar is not restricted to these actions. Other recreational services of this lake include a six-dimensional cinema, horror park safari, carousel, aerial skating, etc. The park has an amphitheater, hearth towers, water fountains, a lighthouse, steel curtains that narrate the lifetime of Ibrahim. It should be famous that if calm and silence is your reason for going to the roof of Tehran, it is better to decide on midweek nights.

A VERY REMOTE ENGLISH TEACHER

Where meditations, rants, reverie and absent seizures cross over... closer to one gun with one bullet, the rose of ruby and the cross of gold...uff, and MENTACIDE IN THE TIME OF MASQUES. Although I have never suffered from the guilty masochistic torture of ‘pleasure anxiety’, Bacchus hath indeed drowned more men than Neptune.  So I stopped drinking for 18 days to fool myself I was doing something positive and threw away enough things to be minimalist again. Arf. Beauty and/or function uber alles.  

Been treading water for three years and trying not to drown...big round of one hand clapping for the former poet. Meanwhile, in this temporary world and perception I have created of it, I am looking at a very possible exile one way or the other...my ‘plan’...a long phased withdrawal or hasty retreat. My wish is to stay, but once I leave, it might well be very hard to return.  Read as many metaphors as you want into that but in spite of my dislike of the conservatively minded Aristotle’s ‘either/or’ nonsense, there do indeed appear to be only two this time. And appear is the operative word. Appearances can be deceptive and emotions (unless raised and focused) cloud over what should be clear. Pain has a tendency to breed worry and fear too but let’s draw a veil over that for now eh? Suppress, suppress, release comes later...breathe deep and try not to cough, onward we go where the game gets rough...Just like Tom Thumbs Blues 65.  

Remember Roman Protasevich...As Lukasenko himself said...‘Belarus stood at the edge of an abyss and I helped it take a step forward’. Look good on your tombstone that will Al. Fecking outrageous the Indian PM only admitted in May that covid was transmitted in the air. He needs removing... as do two thirds of all the other world leaders East and West. Hello Bollsanaro. People are very easy to manipulate when they’re are scared or angry...and right now the world majority are both. But, ‘there is a crack in everything... that’s how the light gets in’... and ‘things could change’, doesn’t have to be for the worse. It can take decades to realise this as actual truth, but still nice to read and try internalise the following last week.’The odds actually favour the optimists, since dissipate structures are more likely to evolve into more information rich (intelligent?) forms than into primitive or chaotic forms.’ All my friends bar my best one are optimists..Hello you:-)

Ever onward deeper downward with Orban in Hungary and his mission of ‘Christian values’, which involves a familiar routine of arresting, beating and disappearing dissenters in the name of Christ and taking over the universities to replace professors with those who understand on which side their bread is buttered. Decent judges long gone. Nice fascist communism...and ex soldiers in France and the Czech republic warning of civil war...

And now spiraling we go into the black hole vortex of Disaster capitalism, ‘Let the bodies pile high’. There’s gold in them thar ills....ISLAND PARANOIA and PERFIDIOUS ALBION! A country which demands a contract, agrees, signs to it and then refuses to honour it. We look worse than ridiculous, we look deceitful. Gentlemen, your places please. Boris Johnson is a clumsy, inept, disgraceful charlatan, con merchant and LIAR. A blustering master bullshit artist, the only decent thing about his recent secret wedding is that now he legally has one less bastard child.  

Recently I read that British people are displaying signs of Stockholm syndrome...in that they dislike those who hold power over them and make the rules but during the time of pandemic, they are the ones who will release the saviour vaccine and get everything moving again. So rather than rocking the boat and daring to express dissent at the DIABOLICAL handling of the last 18 months, they have mostly kept quiet and voted for the same endlessly failing, corrupt and venal politicians who made a bad situation far worse. (That said, it bears repeating that there are a few million in the UK who didn’t quite understand that that the spread of a highly contagious airborne virus can be slowed by the wearing of masks/applying basic hygiene and even took offence at being told what should have made sense to any adult homo SAPIENS half capable of cogitating for themselves. Morons and scum. Same where you are?

By the way BBC...the colossal dearth of stories about the endless government failures in relation to Covid, death, corruption and the NHS...ever since they blackmailed you with threats of revoking the TV licence fee and got you to change Directors has been noted. Long may Have I Got News For You continue the satire and balance needed in a DEMOCRACY. Obey your public servants? Why, when they do not serve few but themselves? Power OF the people? Which ones...the mob? The same bleating pricks who follow populists?

Four eyed beanpole fop Rees Mogg, with his wonderful line that the benefits of Brexit will be seen ‘over the next fifty years’...well yes, that is why most people vote in democratic elections eh?...So they will be dead or ancient before the change they hoped for comes...and the politicians who lead them now, will have all long moved on to revolving door chairman of the board offshore limited liability company paradise. Bread today jam tomorrow fairytales. What I tell you three times is true.  

O, but the English do so love to be told what to do by dumb posh boys who treat them like dirt. Some are forelock tugging and some are self flagellating middle class upper class wannabes who will never get there but still feel proud they are not street level proles. Doby the house elf alien hamster Michael Gove found guilty of breaking the law. Nothing. Internal inquiries run by those connected to the money changing hands find nothing illegal. Corruption for all to see...and ignore. ‘Well, what can we do?’ The uselessly inept serial failure Dido Harding to be in charge of the National Health Service? (she of the collapsed Woolworths, Talk Talk and the 22 BILLION pound loss of the Covid Track and Trace program where non working consultants/insultants, were paid 1000 pounds a day). American style privatisation is coming where only the wealthy or criminal can afford to be repaired and well. Sick.  

Meanwhile, All our imported nurses out, and all the lobster red fat Spanish costa de la sol criminals back in. Great exchange, fair trade and forward thinking. The Kremlin are manipulating/supporting Scottish independence... I read years ago about their base in Edinburgh for Russia Today (the foul insert in The Daily Telegraph) and they were already encouraging it. Rees Smug has accelerated and supported their freedom with his snobbish utterances on countries in the UK other than England and their ‘foreign languages’. With every patronising, arrogant pronouncement, the Eton trifles fuel the fire in Scotland which has a long bitter history of being tortured, murdered and subjugated by their southern masters. Perhaps the chumocracy in Downing Street believe the Celts to be as easily cowed as the middle and working classes down south. Here’s hoping not. ‘Rebellious Scots to crush’? Not this time pal.

As for the future of Britain? A dystopian open prison where the lower social classes toil only at the pleasure of their masters. The higher caste getting richer and all others cast into a living Hell of debt, crime, and sickness. Serve until you die and be thankful we allow you to exist. Increasing in utter irrelevance to the world, other than as an example of how wrong a former democracy can go. This future started decades ago...its baobab roots truly deep now. Better education and critical thinking for the masses in the UK (or anywhere else) is highly unlikely now. Optimism huh? As long as I am not in England, I will still be able to tap into it, but once enclosed long term in the group mind there...trapped in a grey quagmire. Keep smiling...

Several weeks ago, I watched a video on YT of apparently English protestors running after the police in London, some attacking and throwing things, one pulling off the pandemic mask of an officer and all shouting abuse at the outnumbered cops who had to keep pulling back. As always, to get my caffeine rush of fury going, I read the comments and was surprised to see two or three from Chinese names. Almost all comments were against the government (fair enough) and dumb against the lock down, masks, vaccinations etc. Checking again, I saw the video had been posted by CGTN...a media company owned and run by the communist party in Beijing...and not one author of diatribes had mentioned this, nor speculated with a critical thought as to why such an organisation might enjoy turning people against their own democratically elected government (however mind rippingly foul and corrupt they are).

I copy pasted the Wikipedia paragraph about the company onto the page and hoped someone else would make the connection. I wouldn’t mind so much IF there were a credible and decent alternative other than the diseased populist poison for which the demonstrating goons chant. China really cares about the standard of democracy in Britain eh? Persuade your enemies to weaken themselves. Destroying countries by encouraging their ‘patriots’.

(That was written on the anniversary of Tienanmen Square...a few days later Xi Jinping gave a speech saying ‘...a lovable and respectable’ China must be presented to the world and must ‘expand its circle of friends’. Tell that to your teenage ‘dissidents’, Muslims, Falun Gong and Tibetans being tortured and brainwashed in prisons or being used for organ harvesting. Tell it to Hong Kong and Taiwan.) 

Unholy America...against abortion and the pill, sex education’s not Gods will and in the Name of Christ they kill...if truth be known, we’ve failed the test...but Jesus was a Socialist and Republican conservatives hate them. The founding fathers of America were Very clear about separation of church and state with damn good Reason. Another part time Christian, Mike Pompeo wants to be president. Q Onan deepstorm morons/Kremlin stool pigeons aka POLEZNYYE IDIOTY continue to push for Trump and his Big Lie...He with the brain where ‘In the left, nothing is right and in the right, nothing’s left.’ Arf.

Over the last two decades, the dumb have been finding their voice and are now louder and prouder of their dumbass ignorance. 74 million in the US alone, their egos unable to retreat in the face of endless evidence to the contrary, they all double down. Like children sticking their fingers in their grimy ears sing songing ‘la la la can’t hear you’. 74 million versions of Eric Cartman, loud, proud and wrong. And uuff, Megan Markle,  Majorie Taylor Greene, walking Picasso collage (bad car driver) Caitlin Jenner and Ivana Trump in politics...not exactly holding a proud lantern for women eh? I’d like to buy them for what they are worth and sell them for what they think they are worth. Not very PC?  

That was the point. Could easily been written about all of the men written about here too. Next examples follow...

Tucker Carlson and Alex Jones compete for who can be as mentally ill as trump. The Miami school where the husband and wife directors told teachers not to return if they had HAD their vaccine shots because their proximity to students was interfering with menstrual cycles and uuuufff...The sickness of utter mind buggering stupidity. I had my first shot, now waiting to turn reptilian when the 5G masts triangulate my position. Fnord. Covid appears to be killing more overweight meat eating males than females...perhaps testosterone is not useful for the coming Race of non binary mutant hermaphrodites...and look out for the end of the Y chromosome, coming to a temporary universe near you...in 4.6 million years. Yes, really.  

Glad Netanyahu is out at last, smug corruption is never a good look unless one is a rich criminal. Ha.  The Promised land of Israel...If I was in court for serial murder, breaking, entering and stealing and then defended my actions by saying that God had told me to do it, would the Judge; A. Call for a psychiatric report, B. Disregard the statement as unprovable and pass the appropriate sentence, C, say Ok mate, you’re free to go, good luck to you. ? Moses had a good schtick.

The law is only to punish the poor, do you feel as if you suffer from empathy? Once you know, you no longer need to believe. What does ‘reality’ seem to be? The more certain you are, the stupider you get and belief is the death of intelligence. The machine is running the engineers. What is the definition of rationality...the quality of being based on or in accordance with reason or logic. 

Nothing is, but thinking makes it so. Epicurus.  

EVERYTHING NOT COMPULSORY IS FORBIDDEN.

The glamour illusion of the mass of pointless hot influencers needs a constant renewing of the Banishing Ritual as much as all the pigslop bile coming from Fox News and Sky. Bloody long haired commie liberal faggot they cry against any not identical to them. Some days I have only flamethrowers of hatred for these idiots. Other days...not exactly self doubt, just questions...most of us seem to believe our opinions are more valid when there are emotions connected to them. Including me. Again, this seems like a very weak version of ‘truth’, unless disciplined, channeled and focused to a certain end.

Life appears to exist in order to become via chaos.

Most of us are working only not to be homeless, some because of the joy in our chosen work regardless of finances. Until ‘reality’ kicks in the door...the bondage gets tighter when you struggle. How much hardship is the individual willing to endure these days by choice? Surrounded by a universe of distraction and destruction, Maya mewling for our attention. Five years of Trump, rampant populism and Brexit doing a Hexagram 23 on democracy, compounded by the pandemic...all on top of ‘normal’ daily life. The ego feeds and the immune system breaks down. Hard to ignore without being on a mountain or in a parallel dimension and emotion free other than compassion. But BY GODDESS IT CAN AND WILL BE DONE. Ladies of Life Nin Khursag, Isis, Kali, Aradia...Love one, Love ALL. At very least have respect for thyself but be not thou proud of thine arrogance nor thy suffering.  

Or just Remember where you came from, what you were, seem to be and will become.

Heal, heal, more work to do, more love to give, more love to feel, Heal. Stay in drugs, eat your school and don’t do vegetables. Impose your own reality upon and through yourself, breathe, exhale, repeat, and continue, LOVE UNDER WILL. Experience and absorb but ‘It’s a house of tricks, ignore the world’’.

Stay well, be seeing you:-)

Survey #446

“so you can throw me to the wolves  /  tomorrow i will come back, leader of the whole pack”

Favourite cheese? American. Superman or Batman? I know literally nothing of Superman, but I like Batman. Who are your best friends? The only person I consider a best friend is Sara. Name the 3 most important people in your life: My mom, Sara, and... I suppose myself since I cherish my mental health VERY deeply. Are you currently learning from anyone how to play any instruments? No. Do you know anyone who is overly flirty with people? Girl or a boy? In my personal opinion, yes. I do believe it's possible to be "overly" flirty, considering you can really lead people on. It's a she. Do you believe vampires are real? Not the stereotypical Twilight kind. No. Have you ever been to a porn website? Were you addicted to it afterword? No. I'm really not into that. What is the most disgusting thing you think the opposite sex can do? I think the most disgusting thing anyone can do is commit rape. Would you rather be able to teleport or freeze time? Which one seems best? I feel teleportation is obviously more convenient and useful in dangerous situations. Have you seen the movie Twister? Did the tornadoes look real to you? LKJFL;AKSDJFKLASJDLFKA;WE NOOOOOOOOOO. I am WAY too terrified of tornadoes to watch that. Have you actually been through a devastating natural disaster before? Hurricane Floyd was pretty devastating. I was too young to really remember it, though. Did your mom ever fix your eggs and bacon into a smiley face as a kid? She probably did. What fast food place, in your opinion, has the best french fries? BOJANGLE'S, AHHHHHHHHHHHH. Do you believe one day aliens might take over the planet Earth? I mean, it's possible, but I don't know. Do you remember when they used to actually throw candy out at parades? I didn't know they stopped. Does it bother you when people burp around you or do you do it too? I couldn't possibly care less, it's a natural bodily function. Just because of societal standards though, I don't burp in public, though, but only around family and close friends. What is one kind of music you’d do anything to not listen to in the car? Anything like rap that has a STUPIDLY loud bass that just annoys everyone within a ten mile radius. When was the last time you babysat, if ever? Did anything bad happen? A year or two ago, for my nephew. No one else was free to watch him, so I had no choice. Nothing bad happened, besides nearly having a panic attack. Do you ever talk to people you met online through webcam? Or is that weird? No. Even Sara and I don't do it, because I'm too self-conscious of how I look. Even though she's seen me plenty before irl. Would you ever consider becoming a scientist? Why would you or why not? Well, I majored in biology briefly... I wanted to be a wildlife biologist. I just adore animals and thought I could do it. I just couldn't handle school. When is the next time you’ll talk to the cousin you’re closest to? I'm not especially close to any of my cousins. Are you really into vintage things? Have you ever been into that stuff? Yessss! is writing something that you enjoy doing? Definitely. Would you rather read or write? Write. Would you rather draw or take photographs? If I wind up being very proud of the product, I prefer drawing, but I take pictures far more. When was the last time you cheated at something? I have no clue. Has anyone ever copied off of your homework assignments? I think so? Do you have any pictures of celebs saved to your computer? ... *stares at my folder labelled "Mark"* What would you consider your favorite holiday? Why is this? Christmas. I love the whole vibe of it. The weather, the smells, the treats, my niece's and nephew's excitement... I adore all the lights and decorations, the gratefulness for family and your loved ones in general... I just love Christmas. If you’re a girl, do you have big hips? Too big? I'd say my hips are normal. Girls, do you think you look good in dresses or not? God no. Not anymore. Have you ever taken a pottery class before? Nope. How many times have you seen Star Wars? Be honest. Once. I didn't like it. Has your best friend ever made you cry? Yes. But in her defense, we've both made the other cry. Have you ever entered a talent competition? God no, I ain't got shit to flaunt. Are you smiling in your Facebook profile picture? Yes. If you wear eye shadow, do you put on a dark colour or a light? And if you wear mascara, what colour is it? I only ever wear black for both of those. What is your favourite Christmas movie? Jim Carrey's How the Grinch Stole Christmas. What do you get complimented on the most? My Markiplier tattoo, actually. What do you think of your best friend’s ex? One I REALLY don't like, the other I'm neutral about. Are you biracial? No. Do you have Pop-Tarts in your house right now? No. We try to not buy them, given they're just TOTALLY empty calories. They don't fill me at all. Is anyone’s birthday coming up? No. Does/did either of your parents serve in the military? No. Do you like sour candy? I LOVE sour candy. Where would you like to go on your honeymoon? Alaska, to see the Northern Lights. Do you usually wear sunglasses when you’re driving? I haven't driven in well over a year. Hell, maybe two. But no, because I'd need prescription sunglasses. Ignoring nutrition, could you live off veggies for the rest of your life? God no. Has anyone taken their shirt off in front of you? Yeah. What time do you usually have dinner? 5:30-6:30, usually. What’s your favourite meat? Chicken, I think. What is your favourite meal of the day and why? Breakfast. I just enjoy breakfast foods. What colour is your shampoo? White. Tell me a silly little old wive’s tale you believed when you were a child: My older sister got me to believe that if you said a word a ridiculous amount of times, it'd be the only word you knew how to say anymore, lmao. Shut up, I was little. What was the last magazine you bought? Do you subscribe to any? I don't buy magazines. Whose Facebook profile did you last look at? Was there anything that caught your attention? Uh, that's a good question. Do you regret your last relationship? Not at all. What’s better, mashed potatoes or sweet potatoes? Mashed potatoes, though I'm picky with them and the texture. Did you ever used to make cookies, cakes, or pie with your grandma? No. Do you like kids? Not especially. They ask too many questions and can be really rude, even though I know they usually don't mean to be. What are you listening to? I'm watching Gab Smolders play Dino Crisis 2. I finished her playthrough of Final Fantasy X, so now I feel a void in my soul that I am trying to fill with a new series lmao. Do you burn incense? Not really anymore. I'm not against it, I just... haven't. What is your favorite kind of cracker? Cheese-Itz. Can you name a single song by Billy Joel without looking it up? Yeah; I can name a few, actually. My dad loves Billy Joel, so I heard him a lot growing up. "Piano Man" is a classic. Do you like regular peppermint candy canes, or do you prefer different flavored ones [fruits, bubble gum, cinnamon, etc.]? I actually really like the Jolly Rancher ones. Have you ever been kissed while sitting atop the hood of a car? That's actually possible... but I'm not sure. I think I have a faint memory of lying on a car hood with Jason before. What do you think is the dumbest/tackiest piercing? I don't like calling a piercing either of those, like if they make someone feel more confident and attractive, good for them. I can say I'm personally not a fan of the smiley piercing, though. Have you ever requested a song on the radio? No. When I was a kid at a birthday party, though, one of the girls did. Does your mother still take care of you if you get ill? She helps a lot, yeah. What is one song that always brings back memories every time you hear it? Honestly, too many. I attach way too aggressively to songs. Do you currently have any pimples? Not currently, no. Did anything disturb your sleep at all last night? Ugh, yes. I couldn't sleep for shit. How does it make you feel looking at pics with your ex and someone else? I have only seen one picture of Jason with the girl he dated after me and it. Set. Me. On. Fucking. Fire. It's pathetic. If you’re not in college, why? All it did was give me emotional breakdowns. What do you think about MTV? I am way too out of the loop on what goes on on any TV channel to answer this. What was your very first day of your very first job like? What’d you do? How long did it take you to get the hang of it, and feel comfortable with working? This was waaaay too long ago... All I remember is actually being hopeful, though nervous. I never got to the point of feeling comfortable there. Or at any job. If you have a dog, are they friendly to strangers or other dogs? We don't have a dog, but we do have a cat that is EXTREMELY skittish around strangers. Someone he doesn't know comes through the door? He's bolting to hide. Do people ever comment on or joke about your driving? Well, I got flipped off once by a driver, so... I'd consider that a silent comment. I, to this day, don't know why they (it was a group of guys) did it, but it's stuck with me. What was the last thing to move you? Are you easily moved or inspired? The ending of FFX alsdkfjkaljlkwjer. And yes. If you`ve ever seen your very favorite band, did you cry when you saw them? Was it like a dream come true? If you`ve never seen them, do you think you would? I haven't, but I probably would a little bit. Of all the reality competitions you’ve watched, who are some of your all-time favorite contestants and what shows were they from? From America's Got Talent, I adore(d) Landau Eugene Murphy Jr., as well as Prince Poppycock. I keep up with them both on Facebook. Ever had a friend named Alex or John? One of my closest online friends was Alex. A couple years ago she just... got a boyfriend and fell off the face of the earth. Are you happy with your relationship status? I mean... no, I'm ridiculously lonely, but being single is for the best right now. What kind of stuff do you like on your hot dogs? Just ketchup and mustard. Have you ever been in a spelling bee? No. What is the most annoying thing that your parents do? Mom absolutely always assumes she's right. Dad repeats himself like CRAZY. Would you say you’re someone who has good manners? Yes. Did you parents know what gender you were before you were born? Actually, the doctors couldn't determine mine (or any of Mom's kids') because my legs were ALWAYS crossed when they did ultrasounds. Mom says she "knew" I was a girl, though. Have you ever been addicted to something unhealthy? I'm addicted to caffeine, yes. Who makes the best desserts in your entire family? Hm, I dunno. Do you have good dreams or nightmares more? I have very severe sleep apnea that results in very violent nightmares almost any time I sleep without my APAP mask. Even WITH the damn mask, I have them a lot. When was the last time someone insulted you? What was the insult? *shrug* Do you have trouble reading small fonts? Yes. I used to find it aesthetically pleasing, but my vision is just too bad now, even with my (shitty) glasses. Do you know anybody that believes that magic/witchery truly exists? I think so. Do you find watching animals in their natural habitat to be exciting & fascinating? Absolutely!! The last time you had sex: did you want it, or did the other person want it? ... You know it's supposed to be a mutual desire, right?? What does your sibling(s) call you? "Britt." Has anyone you’ve known claimed to be psychic? Maybe? I'm unsure. Did/do you believe them? Hell no. I don't believe in psychics and believe people who claim to be so are manipulative pieces of shit. Is anything annoying you right now? I am bored to an inexplicable level askldjfla;wejlr. Have you ever worn a pair of scrubs? Yeah. Anything in your room that you’re hiding from your parents or someone else? No. Have you ever felt abandoned? Well yes. By definition, my dad abandoned our family. Where are you? I’m in my bed. What’s been the worst part of this day? I've just been so, so bored. I'm sick and fucking tired of dealing with anhedonia. Who last encouraged you to better yourself? My therapist.

The Infrastructure (Good vs Evil)

 By Robert Campbell      Published on: August 8, 2021

Hello folks, I think it’s time for another article about things that concern me regarding what’s going on in America. I don’t write regularly because other writers have covered many important topics, and I don’t need to repeat them. But as I look at America, I see the face of it changing right before my eyes. It does not have that American greatness as before; the light is dimming daily. Why is that?

We are a Christian nation, or are we now? We have been weakened over the years, and now we cannot even fight back. Has the infrastructure been rebuilt so that we cannot fight back without destroying it?

I have always wanted to understand more of what the Bible meant that “good will become evil, and evil will become good.” How does that look? I can see it from afar, but how does one see it today?

There was a day when evil was hidden; it kept itself hidden so as not to alarm the people of its deception. It would not show itself, or we would fight it back. There was a time that we were ashamed to even be around those doing wrong.

Christians were the mainframe of what was right in this country and abroad. We were proud to be a part of a nation that worshiped God daily. Traveling the world helping others was part of our nature as a country. We did it, not for our glory, but for the glory of God. God blessed us with everything we needed, and we were the envy of every country on earth.

Whether they believed in God or not, our founding fathers had morals from a higher standard than themselves. From the very beginning when, yes, the white man set foot in this country, God used them to create, second to none, the best country that ever was and that ever will be.

If men today were like men of yesterday, we would be better off today as a country. But men today are weak and pathetic; they act like women, emotionally vulnerable. They have fallen prey to the women just like Adam did in the garden; men have bitten the apple. Eve bought the lie in the garden, and women today are repeating it over and over again. Men decided to turn over their responsibility to the weaker vessel (the women). Men of all walks of life are addicted to women; they have put the women before God and Jesus our Lord and Saviour.

The children are led by weakness instead of strength, and they grow up without any morals and values. Just look around you at our children today. The parents are too busy getting their stuff, and the children are left home to fend for themselves. We send them to the public schools where they get indoctrinated, and the parents are clueless about what is being taught to them.

The infrastructure has been changed. How did this happen, how did this begin to change?

We Christians bought the lie; we decided to allow evil to get a foot in the door. We allowed evil to tell us it was alright to let the Godless rule over us. The churches were the first to go under the onslaught of evil; just look around you.

To this day, we are still slaughtering innocent children in the womb (Black women are responsible for one-third of babies to date slaughtered in the womb), and the so-called preachers (not all, but most), even the good ones, are not speaking on it. They’re too afraid they might lose their people and money and the most important of all, their parking space up front.

The men of the church allowed women to become preachers knowing God is against it. Women were not designed to rule over men; it’s out of order.

Even in our country, we have allowed women to rule over us in government – mayors, senators, etc. Just look around you. We now have a vice president that is a woman (Kamala Harris), and she is clueless on what to do under pressure. And we also have a president that is not in good health; we know that he is showing signs of Dementia. The liberals do not care that this man is sick; they only are concerned with power.

There is no love among liberal Democrats, and it seems to be the same with the so-called conservative Republicans. They will do whatever the cost to gain wealth and power and to control you.

Joe Biden’s wife “Jill” has no love for her husband; she has allowed him to make a fool of himself in front of the world—all for the sake of fame and power. Even Biden’s family could care less about him; as long as they get what they want, they will use the president to their advantage.

They are using the president to get their godless agenda done. We all know that this election was stolen from Donald Trump, and we saw before our eyes the weakness of righteous men and women who did nothing to stop it. We watched the liberals put their plan in action and still did nothing to stop it. Our senators and congressmen did nothing to stop this thievery from taking place. All because of fear and retribution. In other words, they were cowards. And most of them hated” Donald Trump.” They hated him because he was arrogant and bragged, and he called them out.

Even preachers will tell you that God did not like his arrogance. But folks, Donald Trump was always that way. He was a real man, not afraid to tell it like it was. God could care less about his arrogance; God put him there for a reason.

But the infrastructure has been changed. We no longer have strong men to lead a country; we gave it over to the women to lead us. Even conservative women have no business ruling over a man. Even “Candice Owens” is trying to rule over men. Men are saying that she will make a good leader. She claims that men should go back home and lead their families, yet she will not go home and raise her newborn child. Her husband will allow her to run around the country saying a whole lot of nothing. Her Ego is off the charts; she bought the lie, just like “Eve” did in the garden.

Evil is now the new good, and folks from all walks of life are falling for it. At first, it was subtle, and now it does not care because it is now in our infrastructure. Evil is now in the forefront and looks like good; it’s an imitation, not real. Commercials have turned evil into good and blatantly puts it in your face. There is no more shame in showing two men in bed together representing a family over children or having men calling themselves women (transgender) to compete in women’s sports. It’s in our infrastructure now, hard to reverse.

What was logical is now all emotion, now mainly from the men who are more emotional than the women.

The white man has become so weakened that he cannot even fight back because he has a bullseye on his back. The white man is so hated because he represents power in this country. He represents good in America; he works the hardest to build, not destroy.

Black men were destroyed a long time ago through “Welfare and Civil Rights.” The black man bought the lie that he needed help from the government; that he could not succeed in life without their help. Liberals and Godless folks told Blacks that racism was the cause for them not getting ahead in America. Slavery was so long ago that it is not even worth a conversation. It’s in the past, but blacks today believe it is still relevant.

The infrastructure has been changed. Even the conservatives believe in the lie. Evil is now good, and good is now evil; you cannot see the difference.

This pandemic was a set-up from the very beginning to weaken America and destroy Donald Trump. Liberals could not allow Donald Trump to succeed in “Making America Great Again.” That would hinder their plan for control over the masses. It would stop them from making billions and billions of dollars. The pharmaceutical companies are making billions over this fake pandemic, and the mind-numbed robots follow every government and media instruction even though they know it’s a lie. They follow suit because of fear. They have fear because the no-good pastors, senators, governors, and mayors tell them so.

Satan, in reality, has sold us fear, the true enemy. Even today, people are still wearing a mask, knowing that it will not stop a virus. But they wear the mask because of fear and doubt; it makes them feel secure and comfortable. After they dress for the morning and get ready to go out, they grab their smartphone and mask; they won’t leave home without it. It is fashionable now to have one on.

Even after a year, folks will still wear the mask, thinking that the virus will somehow float through the air and magically stop and not go through the paper mask. And the most striking part is that I see more blacks wearing the mask than anyone else, all because they were told to do so.

Remember the yellow star (patch) in the days of Nazi Germany that the Jews were forced to wear? It’s no different today. The vaccine is a set-up, a trial run of what is coming.

There is nothing in the vaccine that will stop the virus; it is all smoke and mirrors. Folks believe that by taking the vaccine, they will not get the virus, so they go running gladly to the nearest facility and get their miracle drug, all supplied freely from their government.

Fear and anger run rampant today, and blacks are leading the way to America’s destruction, leading the way in everything wrong in this nation today. They go around with hate in their heart for the white man; they hate everyone, including themselves. They do not believe in God. Instead, they would go around and support an organization like “BLM,” believing that the ten, perhaps 11 blacks killed by white police officers was a racist act. Yet blacks are killing each other daily in the hundreds.

The infrastructure has been changed. This is happening to all races of people; the spirit of evil is the same throughout.

White men, you need to stand up and tell the truth; be not afraid. America, will not change until you men of all races stand up.

God is waiting on men; He is waiting on righteous men to do the right thing, but the infrastructure of America is not the same any longer. It has been destroyed to allow evil to reign, and it is hard even to find one righteous man or woman to fight back. Most have bought the lie.

Churches today are just as dangerous as the women’s womb; you may not come out alive. Preachers sound just like the world today; they give you no hope. They will follow Jesus as long as it goes along with the world and keeping their stuff.

People cannot afford to be without their Smartphone or Google; that’s their new god; it gives them everything they need. Just look around you; they pray to their phone every five to ten minutes without hesitation. It goes everywhere with them; they will go back 10 miles from home to get their phone when they are a mile away from work.

God no longer leads America in people’s lives; Satan has given them a new false god to follow and worship. Satan has made a lie look like the truth and the truth to look like a lie.

Men of all races that are true believers in Jesus Christ must get their courage back. After all, it took one man like Donald Trump to change the world; God used him like he used men from old to get his agenda done. God is looking for a few good men and women to have no fear, and we can begin to move mountains. All is not lost if we now turn around and stand up, and you, that’s right, you white men must lead the way.

We cannot rely on the women to do it for us; it’s not in them to do so. Women cannot fix a man’s problem; we fix women’s problems; that’s our job.

America’s light is almost out, but we did not have to let it come to this; all we had to do is have no fear and trust in God. Now is the time to take America back. The godless liberals think they are winning but are digging a deep hole for themselves. God will, in time, judge them harshly, and I’m afraid good Christians will go down with them. All because they bought the lie.

God is the master of all, and he will let you decide on good or evil; he will give you ample warnings. We have read and re-read Bible, and we still don’t get it.

The word of God is in our hearts from the beginning. For those who have kept up the good fight, God will honor you with his blessings. He will see you through this just as he has taken care of me. I’m here to tell you that God will not forsake you or leave you, even though it seems the bleakest. Our roughest trials are just trials to make you stronger through turbulent times. God is here and now, and he did not give us Jesus for anything. He gave us Jesus for everything. Look to him, and you will get through this.

You must forgive your enemies and love them anyway.

America, it is up to you. We must always pray for Israel; if not for them, there would be no us.

I’m a Christian American Republican who happens to be black.

Make America Great Again.

Uncharted Waters (chapt. 2)

Also on AO3 || Ko-Fi

Something was poking her.

She groaned heavily against her pillow, the reality of what had transpired the previous night beginning to flood back to her.

Right. She was no longer in Alabasta. She was in Domino and the creator of Duel Monsters had sucked her grandfather’s soul out of his body. Because that was apparently now a thing that happened in Domino.

She wanted to fall back asleep and pretend this wasn’t happening, but something continued to poke her arm.

Reika didn’t bother lifting her head from her pillow as she spoke. “Yugi, I swear to God the shop better be on fire.”

“I just wanted to say hi before I went to school,” came her cousin’s soft voice.

Slowly, she raised her head, tired brown eyes meeting the wide violet of the figure hovering over her bed.

“Hi.” Her face dropped back into the comforting darkness.

“How was your flight? What time did you get in? Did you bring any souvenirs from California?” Yugi asked, and Reika realized she would not be getting any more sleep.

He only babbled like this when he was nervous.

So Reika took a deep breath and hauled herself into a sitting position, gesturing for Yugi to sit next to her before yawning and shaking out her hair.

“Three-thirty. It was fine. Mostly empty. Tried to sleep, didn’t get much of it,” she rattled off. “And no, I left too quickly to grab anything. Sorry. But what’s on your mind?”

“Pegasus and his tournament,” Yugi admitted. “I’m leaving tomorrow, but none of my friends can come with me.”

“Friends? You’ve made more friends other than Téa?”

“Yeah! A few of them, actually. My wish on the puzzle came true!”

“Yugi, that’s great!” she said, hugging him. “You worked on that thing for years, I would hope it would hold up its end of the bargain with how long it took.”

Yugi looked down at it, a nervous look crossing his features. “I think it has something to do with why Pegasus took grandpa’s soul.”

“I think that sounds plausible. I guess those stories Grandpa told us weren’t just bedtime stories after all,” she said with a sigh, looking at her bracelet. “It’s pretty insane to think about though, isn’t it? Ancient Egyptian magic being real, and all.”

“Yeah,” Yugi frowned, looking between the bracelet on her wrist and the puzzle around his neck. “Do you think they’re dangerous?”

“I think if they are, it’s nothing we can’t handle,” she said with a small smile. “But if it makes you feel any better, I’ll try to research what I can about the items while you’re at school.”

“You will?”

She nodded. “Of course. It’s important to know why someone would want to harm us. And if we figure out the secrets of these objects… maybe we can beat Pegasus at his own twisted game.”

“I hope so. If I don’t make it to the finals and win - ”

“Hey, no, don’t think like that. You have something Pegasus doesn’t.”

“What’s that?”

She poked his chest with a grin. “Heart. And a support network that’s going to be watching your duels and cheering you on, even if we’re miles apart.”

“Yugi! Are you ready for school?” Téa suddenly called.

“You’d better hurry. Don’t want to be late.”

He nodded, and she followed him downstairs.

“Oh! I’m surprised to see you up already, sweetheart,” Aunt Kumi said. “I would have thought you’d want to get more rest.”

“It’s okay, Aunt Kumi. My internal clock is still out of alignment from the time change,” she replied, giving her a hug before looking over at Téa. “It’s good to see you again, Téa.”

She grinned. “Hi Reika! I have so many questions for you about America!”

“I’d be happy to answer whatever you want to know when you get back from school.”

Yugi looked up at the clock and blanched, grabbing Téa’s hand and pulling her out the door with a shouted goodbye.

Kumi shook her head in amusement as the duo headed back into the apartment. “He’s really blossomed over the past few months. I’m proud of him. And to be invited to a tournament hosted by Maximillion Pegasus himself! It’s quite exciting.”

Reika smiled a little, wondering just how much her aunt was aware of everything that had happened. “It’s good to see him out of his shell like this. I think I’m going to take a shower and then head to the hospital, Aunt Kumi.”

“Don’t forget to get something to eat before you go,” Kumi said, frowning a little.

She paused as she pulled a towel out of the closet. “Right. I think I’ll just grab a breakfast bar and a thermos of coffee.”

“Are you sure you don’t want me to make you something else? I made omurice for Yugi and I today…”

Reika smiled weakly. “I’m sure, Aunt Kumi. I’m not all that hungry right now anyway. Maybe tomorrow morning?”

Kumi still didn’t seem all that convinced, but sighed in defeat. “I just hope you haven’t gotten too accustomed to quick breakfasts like the Americans are known to have.”

She chuckled a little. “The grab and go breakfasts would never be able to hold a candle to yours. I promise.”

If anything, going from a restaurant chef cooking all her meals, to her aunt, who had no restaurant experience, was going to be a bit of a downgrade.

Before long, Reika was back in her car, a backpack full of her grandfather’s Egypt history textbooks and a notebook on the seat beside her.

“I’m glad we finally have some privacy, Reika,” a voice suddenly said.

Reika nearly swerved into the other lane.

“Azila, you have got to stop surprising me like this,” she said, glancing in the mirror to find the spirit in the back seat.

“I apologize.”

“What’s up?”

“I am concerned about the Millennium Puzzle.”

Reika frowned. “What? Why?”

“The Shadow Games, Reika. They are not meant for this world. They never have been. If your cousin was in one… this could mean the world is in grave danger. Both of them.”

“You think Eturn could be affected by this too?”

Azila nodded. “Well, you must remember, Eturn and Earth were connected when I was alive and the shadow magic ran rampant. I fear what that man - Kenji - was speaking about last night when we returned here could be due to the Shadow Games.”

“Are you sure? Kenji implied it’d been happening for a while, and that headache I had makes me think they only started with whatever happened with Pegasus and my cousin,” she said, pulling into the hospital parking lot.

“Perhaps, but are we certain they only started last night? Or have they been going on longer, and we only realized it because Yugi got involved?”

Reika didn’t have a response to that except a sigh. “I guess I’ll have to look into it when I talk to someone from the I.D.R.A. But I should get inside and… see gramps.”

Azila nodded. “Very well.”

Her phone beeped, distracting her briefly.

I’m sorry. I can’t meet with you just yet. There’s something I need to take care of before I can be seen in public.

Are you still upset about my cousin beating you in a duel?

It’s not me. It’s the investors. But I have a way to get KaibaCorp back on top.

Just be safe.

I will.

Letting out a soft sigh, Reika grabbed her bag, heading inside.

Seeing Solomon Muto laying prone in a hospital bed with too many wires attached to him shattered her heart. She dropped her backpack on the ground next to the chair and sat down shakily.

“Grandpa… I don’t know what Pegasus did to you, but I promise, Yugi’s going to rescue you,” she said softly. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t here. If I had been - ”

If she had been here when it happened, what? Would that have even mattered? Pegasus was inside a TV - she couldn’t very well have grabbed him and pinned him down to stop him.

“I don’t know,” she admitted, taking his hand. “I promised Yugi I’d look into the Millennium Items to see if we can figure anything out. I thought you’d like that, since I wasn’t really interested in them when I was a kid. I borrowed some of your books… I hope you don’t mind.”

He wouldn’t, even when he woke up. She knew that, but talking to herself was helping to distract her from the sounds of the medical equipment.

“You always said reading out loud helped you when you were studying, so I’m going to try that too,” she said, taking a deep breath and pulling one of the books out of her bag. “The Nameless Pharaoh, one of Egypt’s greatest mysteries…”

-----

Alden Leichter didn’t ask many questions when it came to the partnership with Pegasus. The partnership between them seemed to be going smoothly enough, and soon they would each be getting what they wanted. That damned Seto Kaiba would no longer be an issue, and KaibaCorp could go back to the way it used to be. The way they needed it to be.

He wasn’t sure what Yugi Muto’s place was in all of this, but he had heard through his connections that the boy’s grandfather, Solomon, had ended up comatose, which, in his mind, led to only one conclusion:

The return of young Miss Reika.

He hadn’t expected to care about her after Miaka’s disappearance, but there had been something about the girl that told him to keep her in the Young Five program, so he did.

It was that same feeling that told him to stop at Kame Game when it came into view on his way back to KaibaCorp after an early meeting on the outskirts of town.

The bell chimed above his head, and he heard quick footsteps rushing to greet him.

“Oh! Alden, what a surprise this is!” Kumi Muto said with a wide smile. “What brings you here?”

“Ms. Kumi,” he replied, bowing his head in respect. “I heard about your father-in-law’s health decline and thought I should stop by and see if you were okay.”

Kumi’s eyes turned sad. “Oh - well, I suppose we’re okay as any of us can be. Solomon’s been in such good health, it’s surprising that he fell so ill so quickly.”

He nodded. “Yes, he seemed to be the picture of health the last I saw him. It’s unfortunate that age can catch up to us in the blink of an eye. Have you heard from Miss Reika at all?”

“Reika got in early this morning. She’s with Solomon at the hospital. Although I admit, I’m worried for her, too.”

He frowned. “Oh? What seems to be the issue?”

“She really didn’t eat all that much for breakfast, and before she left, I noticed she had a backpack full of books with her. I’m concerned she’s fallen back into that pattern of hers where she studies too hard and forgets to eat. If it isn’t too much trouble, I was wondering if you would - ”

Alden smiled in understanding. “I don’t have anything else I can’t miss until late this afternoon. I’ll see what I can do.”

“Thank you, Alden. I swear, sometimes you have better luck with her than I do.”

He had a hunch as to why, but kept his thoughts to himself as he took his leave.

As he looked into Solomon’s room, he found Reika curled up in one of the chairs. A history book lay on the floor in front of her, upside down. It was obvious it had fallen off her lap at some point.

“Miss Reika?” he asked gently, setting the bag he’d brought with him on the tray.

A tired grunt was the only response he got.

It wasn’t the first time he’d caught her asleep like this, so he went to his old stand by.

“Miss Reika, can you tell me the year the California Gold Rush began?”

“ -teen forty eight,” came the half-mumbled response.

He couldn’t help but smirk. “Can you repeat that, Miss Reika? I didn’t quite hear you.”

“Eighteen forty eight Mr... Leichter!” her head snapped up in realization, eyes wide. “Mr. Leichter, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know you’d be coming.”

He took a seat next to her. “It’s quite alright Miss Reika. I didn’t mean to disturb you, but your aunt seemed concerned…”

Reika shifted in the chair so she was sitting properly. “About what?”

Alden pulled out the soup and sandwich he’d gotten for her. “About you eating. I thought I would drop off lunch for you.”

He saw a moment of confusion in her gaze before her eyes softened. “Oh. Right. That. She didn’t seem too pleased this morning.”

A soft laugh escaped him before he turned his attention to the textbook she put on the tray. “She mentioned you were studying. I thought your exams were done for the summer?”

Reika hesitated. “They are. I don’t know, I guess I just… was hoping that if I started studying these items like my grandpa did he’d… wake up or something.”

“It’s a sweet thought, Miss Reika. Your mother would tell me stories of how much your grandfather loves Egypt.”

Reika’s face flickered at the mention of Miaka. She reached for the soup, opening the lid and stirring it carefully. “Dad always said grandpa wanted him or Uncle Takeo to go into archaeology. Continue the family tradition, you know?” her voice was watery, though Alden could tell she was trying to be strong.

“I think you continuing it is a wonderful thing. Your grandfather was so excited when we spoke about you getting accepted to the University of Santa Cruz,” Alden said, squeezing her shoulder. It was then that he noticed the bracelet on her wrist, with the same design as the eye Master Pegasus wore.

That was interesting.

“I hope you weren’t taken away from any important business, Mr. Leichter. I’m sure KaibaCorp is buzzing with the Duelist Kingdom tournament about to start,” Reika said.

Alden shook his head. “It’s nothing I can’t catch up on. Besides, Mr. Kaiba told us to take it easy this weekend given Ma - Mr. Pegasus’ tournament. Even he’s listening to himself and took Mokuba on a small getaway this weekend.”

Her gaze went unreadable for a moment, before she spoke. “I’m glad to hear that. I know his loss to Yugi wasn’t easy for him to handle.”

He cleared his throat. “Yes - right. He’s been working himself to the bone ever since that loss.”

The shareholders had gotten nervous though. That duel being one of the reasons some of them had dropped Kaiba Corp was completely illogical and stupid in Alden’s mind, and a sign that Seto Kaiba was not meant to be leading the company.

“Do you think Mom and Dad would be proud of me, Mr. Leichter?” Reika suddenly asked quietly.

He blinked, looking at her. She was staring down at the sandwich in her lap, a faraway look in her eyes.

Alden gave her a sad smile. The poor thing had so much weight on her shoulders. “Of course I do. You’ve worked incredibly hard to learn English, traveled across the ocean to attend school. You’re following in your grandfather’s footsteps to study archaeology. Why on Earth wouldn’t they be?”

Reika pressed her lips together. “It’s been ten years since they went missing… it’s just getting harder to remember anything about them,” she admitted, looking over at him. “I miss them.”

Alden nodded in understanding, reaching to take her chin gently. “I know. I can’t imagine how difficult these ten years have been.”

Her dark eyes, wet with tears, met his gaze. “I’m going to find out what happened to them one day.”

There it was. That look of determination so fierce that even the gods themselves would be swayed to her whims.

“I don’t doubt you will, Miss Reika,” Alden said with a grin before glancing over at the clock. “However, I am due back at KaibaCorp for a meeting. I will speak with you soon.”

She nodded. “I understand. Thank you for lunch, Mr. Leichter.”

“It’s no trouble, but just make sure you don’t go forgetting to eat properly again,” he chastised gently. “Your aunt would have my head.”

Reika laughed, wiping the tears from her eyes. “I won’t, I promise.”

Alden reached to squeeze her shoulder gently before exiting the hospital.

“Where the hell have you been, Alden?” Gansley grumbled as Alden took his seat at the table. “The meeting starts in five minutes!”

“Reika has returned to Domino. I was at the hospital paying her a visit,” he replied with a shrug.

Nezbitt frowned slightly. “The hospital? Oh yes, that’s right. Her grandfather was admitted there, wasn’t he?”

“How’s the kid doin’?” Crump asked.

“Suffering from a bit of shock, but otherwise she seems to be doing well. Contemplative for her parents, but I suppose that would be common. It’s been ten years since they disappeared after all.”

“O-ho, are we gossiping before the meeting?” crackled Pegasus’ voice from the phone. “I do love a good story.”

“We were discussing Reika Muto, sir. She’s Leichter’s protege,” Johnson explained in his monotone voice. “She’s the cousin of the boy who defeated Mr. Kaiba.”

“How interesting…” Pegasus mused. “Is she a duelist as well?”

“As far as I’m aware, she does know how to, but not like Mr. Kaiba or Yugi,” Alden explained. “But I did notice she had a bracelet on today with the same marking as your eye.”

There was an uncomfortably long pause on Pegasus’ end, and for a moment Alden wondered if the line had disconnected.

“Well then, hopefully Duelist Kingdom will make her more interested in my little card game,” Pegasus said instead. “Now, onto our meeting, gentlemen…”

Alden felt a sliver of worry slowly melt away as he relaxed in his seat.

----------

“Did you find anything out about the items?” Yugi asked.

She shook her head, biting into a slice of pizza. “Nothing that grandpa didn’t already tell us when he gave these to us. It’s so strange. But while I was in America I found out that my bracelet has a ghost attached to it.”

“Sometimes when I duel… I feel another presence,” Yugi admitted. “Do you think the puzzle has a ghost in it too?”

“At this point, nothing would surprise me. But look, just because we haven’t been able to find any more information out about the items doesn’t mean you’re going to fail at this,” she said. “Remember what I said earlier. You have heart. Pegasus doesn’t. I’ve learned over the past year that people with heart, with something to fight for, are sometimes the most dangerous.”

Yugi gave her a weak smile just as her phone began to buzz.

She frowned as she glanced at it, not recognizing the number as she put it to her ear. “Hello?”

“Hello Reika, my name is Maximillion Pegasus.”

Reika sat up straight in her seat, prompting a questioning look from Yugi. “Mr. Pegasus, how did you get this number?”

Yugi’s eyes went wide, and he opened his mouth to speak as Reika pressed her finger to her lips to hush him.

“When you run a multi-billion dollar company, it isn’t that difficult to get what you want.”

“And what could you possibly want from me?”

“I want to invite you to observe the Duelist Kingdom tournament with me.”

She raised a brow. “The tournament?”

“Yes, I’m inviting you to stay in my palace. Think of it as a VIP experience!”

She could see the red flags immediately, but on the other hand, this was the man who was holding her grandfather’s soul hostage. One wrong move and… well, she didn’t want to think about it.

“I would be honored, Mr. Pegasus,” she said. “But how would I get there? Am I boarding the ship with Yugi?”

“Oh goodness, no! That’s only for my competitors. I’ll be sending my personal helicopter for you. Like I said, VIP experience! What do you say?”

Reika’s fingers twitched against the phone, but still, she managed the enthusiasm. “I think that sounds… amazing, Mr. Pegasus. I’ll be there at six. Yes, goodbye.”

Yugi jumped up the moment her phone hit the couch next to her. “You accepted an invitation from Pegasus? Reika, what if - ”

“It’s a trap? It probably is.”

“Then why would you agree to put yourself in danger like that?”

She almost laughed, as if she hadn’t helped liberate a country from a dictator over a week ago. “He’s got our grandfather, Yugi. If I turned him down, who knows what he would have done?”

“I still don’t like this.”

“I don’t either, but I’ll be fine. I promise.”

Despite her confidence, neither of them ate much more of the pizza.

            *      ╰      new   york’s   very   own   𝐠𝐞𝐨𝐫𝐠𝐢𝐚   ‘   𝐠𝐨𝐥𝐝𝐢𝐞   ‘   𝐡𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐫𝐢𝐱   was   spotted   on   broadway   street   in   louboutin   carnababy   ankle   boots   .   your   resemblance   to   𝒛𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒂𝒚𝒂   is   unreal   .   according   to   tmz   ,   you   just   had   your   twenty   -   third   birthday   bash   .   while   living   in   nyc   ,   you’ve   been   labeled   as   being      𝒂𝒖𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒆   ,   but   also      𝒑𝒖𝒓𝒑𝒐𝒔𝒆𝒇𝒖𝒍   .   i   guess   being   a      virgo      explains   that   .   3   things   that   would   paint   a   better   picture   of   you   would   be      𝒂      𝒇𝒆𝒂𝒓      𝒐𝒇      𝒍𝒊𝒎𝒊𝒕𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔      𝒈𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒆𝒓      𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒏      𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆      𝒊𝒕𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇      ,         𝒂      𝒍𝒊𝒍𝒂𝒄      𝒑𝒐𝒘𝒆𝒓   -   𝒔𝒖𝒊𝒕      𝒔𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒊𝒏𝒈      𝒃𝒖𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒆𝒔𝒔      𝒆𝒎𝒂𝒊𝒍𝒔      𝒂𝒕      𝒕𝒉𝒆      𝒄𝒍𝒖𝒃   ,      𝒅𝒂𝒓𝒌      𝒆𝒚𝒆𝒔      𝒔𝒘𝒊𝒎𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒈      𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉      𝒕𝒉𝒆      𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒂𝒏𝒄𝒆      𝒐𝒇      𝒖𝒏𝒔𝒑𝒐𝒌𝒆𝒏      𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒕𝒔      .   (   my   ex   -   fiance   was   a   pr   stunt   set   up   by   our   manager.   i’m   not   sure   they   knew   that   until   i   inadvertently   cheated   on   them   .   )      &      (   cis   female   &   she   /   her      )     

tw   :   homophobia   ,   biphobia   ,   suicide   mention   ,   emotional   abuse   .


𝒊       .        𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒕𝒔       .

𝒏𝒂𝒎𝒆 :     georgia   cheyanne   hendrix 𝒏𝒊𝒄𝒌𝒏𝒂𝒎𝒆𝒔  :   goldie   ,   golds   .   georgie   ,   gigi   ,   g   . 𝒂𝒈𝒆   :        twenty  -    three    𝒛𝒐𝒅𝒊𝒂𝒄   :   virgo    𝒐𝒄𝒄𝒖𝒑𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏   :  former   beauty   pageant   competitor   and   2016’s   miss   teen   usa   ,   2017′s   miss   new   york   ,   2018′s   miss   usa   ,   current   film   and   television   actress   ,    model   ,   business  entrepreneur   ,   philanthropist   ,  and   activist   .       𝒓𝒆𝒄𝒐𝒈𝒏𝒊𝒛𝒆𝒅   𝒇𝒐𝒓   :   her   mother’s   political   career   ,   starring   in   hbo’s   television   series   euphoria   ,   being   the   first   openly   queer         representative   for   the   usa   in   the   pageant   circuit   ,   her   advocacy   for   feminism   and   criminal   justice   reform   ,   a   bustling   social   media   page   ,   being   one   of   forbes   2019′s   top   30   under   30         . 𝒈𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓    𝒊𝒅𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒕𝒚    /    𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒏𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒔    :   cis   female   /   she   her   hers    𝒐𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏  :  bisexual   ,   biromantic    𝒉𝒆𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕   :   5’9    𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒓   𝒊𝒏𝒔𝒑𝒐𝒔   :   meredith   grey  &  cristina  yang   from   grey’s   anatomy   ,   spencer   hastings   from   pretty   little   liars   ,   hermione   granger   from   harry   potter   ,   meghan   markle   ,   angela   martin   from   the   office   ,   alex   cabot   from   law   and   order   svu   ,   and   more   than   anything   ,   claire   from   fleabag   .   𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧   𝐢𝐟   𝐮   𝐬𝐤𝐢𝐦   𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠   𝐞𝐥𝐬𝐞   ,   𝐢   𝐛𝐞𝐠   𝐨𝐟   𝐮   𝐭𝐨   𝐰𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡   𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬   𝐯𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐨   𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭   𝐭𝐨   𝐠𝐞𝐭   𝐥𝐞𝐱’𝐬   𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞   𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐞𝐝   𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐨   7   𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐬   . 𝒌𝒆𝒚   𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒊𝒕𝒔      :     -     acquiescent    ,   cold   ,   emotionally distant    ,         obsessive   ,  control   -   freak +   intelligent  ,   astute   ,   focused    ,  protective   ,  passionate         𝒉𝒐𝒈𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒔   𝒉𝒐𝒖��𝒆   :   toss   up  between   slytherin   and   ravenclaw  !  𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒈         𝒊𝒏𝒔𝒑𝒐𝒔         :     𝐭𝐢𝐚   𝐭𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐫𝐚      -   𝑑𝑜𝑗𝑎   𝑐𝑎𝑡   𝑓𝑡   .   𝑟𝑖𝑐𝑜   𝑛𝑎𝑠𝑡𝑦  /   𝐢𝐜𝐞   𝐦𝐞   𝐨𝐮𝐭   -   𝑘𝑎𝑠ℎ   𝑑𝑜𝑙𝑙   /   𝐧𝐨   𝐬𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐥   𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐤   -   𝑘𝑎𝑟𝑖   𝑓𝑎𝑢𝑥  /  𝐂𝐘𝐀𝐍𝐈𝐃𝐄   -   𝑑𝑎𝑛𝑖𝑒𝑙   𝑐𝑎𝑒𝑠𝑎𝑟 /  𝐛𝐫𝐨𝐤𝐞𝐧   𝐜𝐥𝐨𝐜𝐤𝐬   -   𝑆𝑍𝐴   /   𝐬𝐚𝐲   𝐬𝐨   -   𝑑𝑜𝑗𝑎   𝑐𝑎𝑡  /  𝐛𝐞𝐞𝐟   𝐟𝐥𝐨𝐦𝐢𝐱   -   𝑓𝑙𝑜   𝑚𝑖𝑙𝑙𝑖  /  𝐜𝐨𝐜𝐤𝐲   𝐚𝐟   -   𝑚𝑒𝑔𝑎𝑛   𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑒   𝑠𝑡𝑎𝑙𝑙𝑖𝑜𝑛  /  𝐜𝐡𝐮𝐧-𝐥𝐢      -   𝑛𝑖𝑐𝑘𝑖   𝑚𝑖𝑛𝑎𝑗  /   𝐝𝐨𝐢𝐧   𝐭𝐨𝐨   𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡   -      𝑘𝑎𝑠ℎ   𝑑𝑜𝑙𝑙  /    𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫   𝐣𝐨𝐞   -   𝑗𝑢𝑛𝑔𝑙𝑒𝑝𝑢𝑠𝑠𝑦  /     𝐈𝐂𝐘   𝐆𝐈𝐑𝐋   -   𝑠𝑎𝑤𝑒𝑒𝑡𝑖𝑒  /   𝐩𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐲  𝐣𝐚𝐰𝐧   -  𝑘𝑜𝑡𝑎   𝑡ℎ𝑒   𝑓𝑟𝑖𝑒𝑛𝑑   /   𝐛𝐨𝐬𝐬   𝐛𝐢𝐭𝐜𝐡   -   𝑑𝑜𝑗𝑎   𝑐𝑎𝑡 𝒂𝒆𝒔𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒔   :         an   intellect   that   remembers   everything      ;      wild   caramel   curls   with   just   enough   composure   to   seem   effortless      ;      a   fear   of   failure      more   crippling   than   life   itself      ;      the   smell   of   fresh   linen   and   lavender         ;      a   color   -   coded   itinerary         ;         a   perfectly   choreographed   interaction   ,   each   time      ;      lilac   power   -   suits   and   an   immaculate   composure      ;         unspoken   mommy   issues      ;      tenebrous   ,   intent   gazes   swimming   with   the   resonance   of   unspoken   thoughts      ;      ‘   don’t   touch   me   please   ‘   syndrome      ;      kicking   out   hookups   before   you   both   fall   asleep      ;      ordering   the   same   thing   at   a   restaurant   ,   every   time      ;      flinching   at   ‘   i   love   you’s   ’      ;      drafting   business   emails   at   the   club         ;      an   admiration   of   atlas   ,   with   the   world’s   weight   upon   your      shoulders   .

𝒊𝒊       .    𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌𝒔𝒕𝒐𝒓𝒚    .

though   goldie   should   be   proud   to   carry   the   hendrix   name   (   a   prominent   black   woman   in   politics   as   a   mother   and   a   fortune   500   ceo   father   )   ,   the   odds   have   been   against   the   hendrix   progeny   since   they   come   into   the   world   .   despite   her   mother   being   a   female   senator   ,   she’s   a   infamously   staunch   conservative   with   rather   regressive   opinions   .   her   father   ?   none   the   better   ,   driven   by   greed   and   the   illusion   of   power   .

georgia   emerges   first   into   the   world   with   kalani   following   soon   after   ,   a   dynamic   they   hold   onto   for   the   rest   of   their   lives   .   their   brother   michael   follows   a   few   years   later   ,   completing   the   illusion   of   the   perfect   american   family   .   goldie   ,   as   she   is   quickly   known   as   ,   is   a   perfectionist   by   heart   ,   a   trait   that   is   only   further   emphasized   by   a   cold   ,   disconnected   mother   who   only   truly   acknowledges   her   when   it’s   following   an   accolade   .   lani   never   seemed   bothered   and   would   find   solace   in   mikey   —   goldie   ,   on   the   other   hand   ,   took   her   mother’s   emotional   distance   more   personally   than   anything   in   her   life   ,   past   or   future   .   

her   mother   ,   a   former   pageant   star   herself   ,   is   elated   to   hear   goldie’s   interest   in   starting   in   the   circuit   in   middle   school   ,   launching   a   career   for   herself   in   the   new   york   pageant   scene   .   this   perfectionist   mentality   lends   itself   easily   to   her   competitions   ,   and   the   naturally   competitive   girl   takes   the   pageant   world   by   storm   .   she   pushes   herself   to   her   peak   through   new   york’s   elite   prep   schools   ,   scoring   top   marks   and   heading   countless   clubs   to   pad   an   otherwise   still   impressive   resume   .   she’s   making   waves   in   every   circle   she   enters   ,   preparing   a   valedictorian   speech   and   touting   early   acceptance   into   princeton   when   her   world   flips   on   its   head   .

mikey   ,   vibrant   and   beautiful   ,   everything   goldie   did   not   see   herself   as   ,   comes   out   as   gay   to   their   family   ,   and   following   the   heinous   response   of   their   parents   and   the   mounting   pressures   to   keep   up   appearances   ,   takes   his   own   life   during   the   twins’   senior   year   .   goldie’s   life   is   shattered   ,   and   her   family   falls   apart   quickly   after   ,   with   lani’s   outburst   of   her   own   coming   out   and   reprimanding   their   parents   for   their   part   in   mikey’s   passing   being   the   final   tear   of   the   hendrix   tapestry   .   goldie   ,   harboring   a   budding   sentiment   of   bisexuality   all   her   own   ,   sees   the   effect   the   dual   coming’s   -   out   have   on   their   family   and   can’t   bring   herself   to   rock   the   boat   a   third   time   ,   doing   what   she   does   best   and   keeping   her   mouth   shut   for   appearances   .   

while   lani   makes   a   name   for   herself   protesting   and   doing   her   activism   ,   goldie   continues   to   dominate   pageantry   ,   quickly   snatching   up   titles   of   miss   teen   usa   ,   miss   new   york   ,   and   going   on   to   set   her   sights   on   2018′s   miss   america   .   during   the   question   and   answer   portion   ,   when   she’s   asked   about   the   mental   health   crisis   in   her   home   state   of   new   york   ,   her   mind   drifts   from   her   prepared   statement   and   instead   pivots   to   a   cause   near   and   dear   to   her   heart   ,   the   lgbtq+   mental   health   crisis   .   her   life   changes   with   one   simple   slip   of   the   tongue   on   live   national   television   .   

                   “   as   a   bisexual   woman   myself   ,   i   believe  —   ”

though   entirely   unintentional   ,   the   moment   liberates   her   and   thrusts   her   forward   into   the   life   she   now   has   ,   a   name   made   for   herself   ,   by   herself   .   despite   the   collective   shock   of   her   unexpected   coming   out   on   national   tv   ,   she   is   enthusiastically   crowned   miss   america   much   to   her   own   surprise   ,   though   her   actions   are   not   without   consequence   .   fuming   at   the   perceived   treachery   of   the   child   that   was   supposed   to   be   ‘   the   good   one   ,   ’   senator   hendrix   pulls   some   strings   to   get   goldie   kicked   from   the   pageantry   world   ,   but   it   comes   as   a   blessing   in   disguise   .   

goldie   changes   her   major   at   princeton   to   public   policy   ,   and   once   she   leaves   the   pageant   world   ,   she’s   flooded   with   offers   for   modeling   campaigns   and   sponsorship   deals   .   she   becomes   one   of   the   most   noted   humanitarian   activists   of   her   generation   ,   fighting   for   women’s   rights   ,   mental   health   advocacy   ,   and   criminal   justice   reform   .   while   lani   takes   to   the   streets   ,   goldie   takes   to   the   stands   ,   giving   speeches   and   meeting   with   policy   makers   as   she   begins   to   dive   into   the   world   of   entrepreneurship   .   the   twins   start   a   foundation   for   lgbtq+   people   they   name   the   mikey   hendrix   foundation   in   honor   of   their   younger   brother   ,   and   are   in   constant   tabloid   stories   due   to   their   speaking   out   against   their   parents   .   goldie   makes   an   easy   transition   from   paper   to   stage   ,   and   finds   a   blooming   acting   career   that   serves   as   an   even   greater   platform   for   her   to   speak   out   about   the   causes   nearest   to   her   .  

𝒊𝒊𝒊       .       𝒅𝒊𝒔𝒑𝒐𝒔𝒊𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 

            perhaps   goldie’s   most   notable   quality   is   being   driven   by   an   unyielding   fear   of   failure   and   mediocrity   .   there   is   no   task   small   enough   that   goldie   will   not   accomplish   to   the   best   of   her   execution   ,   and   if   she   can’t   ensure   perfection   ,   she   will   refuse   to   give   it   an   attempt   at   all   .   this   all   or   nothing   attitude   stems   from   an   obscene   obsession   with   control   and   remaining   in   control   ,   something   those   around   her   are   all   too   aware   of   . 

               despite   a   rather   charming   and   gregarious   disposition   on   the   red   carpet   ,   many   will   note   that   goldie   is   incredibly   reserved   when   meeting   her   in   real   life   .   the   pageantry   training   has   kicked   in   to   give   her   a   facade   to   push   when   she’s   in   the   spotlight   ,   though   her   true   disposition   is   much   less   play   and   much   more   work   .   she’s   stoic   and   serious   ,   knowing   just   what   to   say   at   what   time   to   continue   the   narrative   that   she   is   completely   in   control   .   cool   and   calculated   ,   her   affect   is   usually   stern   and   unwilling   to   reflect   any   sentiment   of   softness   or   goofiness   —   many   business   associates   note   her   absolute   maturity   and   rationality   even   at   the   tender   age   of   23   .   her   energy   ,   as   subdued   as   it   may   be   ,   commands   the   room   with   a   power   of   self-assuredness   that   only   stems   from   a   confidence   rooted   in   something   to   back   it   up   .   she’s   an   elderly   woman   in   a   millennial’s   body   ,   and   this   tends   to   show   in   her   dry   wit   humor   ,   relative   moodiness   ,   and   general   propensity   for   wanting   things   done   exclusively   her   way   .

               goldie’s   intellect   has   always   been   a   strong   suit   of   hers   ,   a   photographic   memory   that   allowed   her   to   glide   through   school   with   the   least   of   struggles   .   astute   and   well   -   spoken   ,   monotone   and   unlikely   to   crack   in   her   stony   temperament   ,   she’s   a   force   of   nature   to   be   well   reckoned   with   .   luckily   ,   goldie   shows   little   to   no   interest   in   engaging   with   petty   drama   and   tends   to   keep   in   her   own   lane   ,   losing   interest   nearly   immediately   in   the   mindless   pettiness   some   of   her   friends   wrap   themselves   up   in   .   rational   ,   arguably   to   a   fault   ,   goldie   has   a   bad   habit   of   censoring   herself   and   limiting   her   own   commentary   when   in   the   company   of   anyone   she   needs   to   maintain   her   reputation   with      ;      close   friends   ,   on   the   other   hand   ,   will   easily   characterize   her   as   blunt   and   straightforward   ,   almost   too   aggressive   with   her   honesty   for   her   own   good   .   though   she’d��  rarely   voice   it   ,   she   has   an   undeniable   superiority   complex   stemming   from   a   recognition   that   whatever   she   does   ,   she’s   incredibly   good   at   (   ignoring   her   unwillingness   to   step   out   and   try   anything   outside   her   comfort   zone   .   )

               this   is   the   curious   dichotomy   of   georgia   hendrix   ,   considering   one   of   her   most   notable   flaws   is   her   unwillingness   to   invest   .   despite   being   perhaps   overly   honest   ,   the   moment   a   conversation   (   or   relationship   )   runs   the   risk   of   becoming   too   emotionally   risky   ,   she   shuts   down   .   flames   have   been   ghosted   ,   relationships   have   been   ended   ,   and   friendships   have   been   cut   off   simply   because   goldie   deemed   them   to   be   a   danger   to   her   mission   of   remaining   in   complete   control   of   herself   and   her   life   .   the   select   few   that   have   plowed   through   goldie’s   rather   prickly   initial   interactions   have   earned   themselves   a   friend   forged   from   gold   ,   loyal   to   a   fault   and   ready   to   drop   anything   at   a   wind’s   blow   to   aide   those   she   loves   most   .   defensive   and   ornery   ,   the   pageant   girl   facade   soon   blows   over   to   reveal   an   anal   retentive   ,   emotionally   stunted   grandmother   who   loses   her   lid   over   the   most   minute   of   inconveniences   if   they   step   out   of   her   pre - established   plans   and   routines   .

               hiding   beneath   her   layers   of   fake   smiling   at   redundant   questions   ,   unapproachable   hostility   and   being   an   otherwise   unmeltable   ice   queen   ,   goldie   harbors   a   deep   intensity   that   overcomes   her   when   allowed   to   reign   (   and   very   rarely   is   allowed   to   reign   )   .   she   does   not   invest   in   small   doses   and   despite   the   relative   unlikelihood   of   her   allowing   a   distraction   such   as   a   relationship   ,   the   few   she’s   had   have   been   intense   whirlwinds   led   by   goldie’s   own   inability   to   limit   herself   —   she’s   all   ,   or   she’s   nothing   ,   but   nowhere   in   the   middle   .

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Exclusive – Pompeo Stands by Trump: ‘I’m Proud of What We Accomplished … History Will Remember Us Very Well’

Secretary of State Michael Pompeo delivered a message to former Trump administration officials walking away from President Donald Trump, during a meeting with top Republican lawmakers and senior congressional staffers on Friday evening, Breitbart News learned exclusively.

“I am proud of what we’ve accomplished — not just in the national security, foreign policy space, which I’ve worked with, but the things that we’ve done with families, the pro-life work that we have done. These are things that will truly be historic. I think history will remember us very well for these things when the books are written,” he said in remarks.

Pompeo’s remarks were made at the end of a private day-long meeting by the Republican Study Committee, the largest conservative caucus within the House chaired by Rep. Jim Banks (R-IN). Lawmakers and aides discussed the conservative moment and where it goes next.

Pompeo’s message was a stark contrast to that from Trump’s former United Nations ambassador Nikki Haley, who told Republican National Committee members during a closed door speech on Thursday that Trump “will be judged harshly by history.”

It was also a stark contrast to two Trump cabinet secretaries who have resigned in recent days — Betsy DeVos and Elaine Chao — after thousands of the president’s supporters protested at the Capitol and some entered and engaged in violence or vandalism.

Pompeo said what happened was tragic but that those walking away from the president were “not listening to the American people.”

“While I think we all think the violence that took place in the place where you all work in the Capitol was tragic, I’ve watched people walk away from this president already. And they are not listening to the American people. Not remotely,” he said.

Pompeo also discussed the administration’s foreign policy successes, and contrasted it with eight years under the Obama administration.

“We watched eight years of the foreign policy of the previous administration that was fantasy. Fantasy. They would enter into agreements and arrangements that weren’t based on anything with the potential to be lasting, and if America First in foreign policy means anything, it means being realistic.” He added:

It means this deep recognition that our sole responsibility is to protect the American people. When we do that, I am very confident we will increase security for people all around the world, we will raise others up as well. But our mission set, everyday, is to say, ‘How do we make sure that everything we do secures freedom for America?’ and it’s gotten us to walk away from a whole bunch of things. We’ve walked away from the World Health Organization. We walked away from the UN Human Rights Commission. We walked away from some of the central understandings of the World Trade Organization.

Each of these things was detrimental to the American people, their prosperity, their security. We were right to do that. It’s a sensibility that I think 75 million people still understand and understood in November of this year. They haven’t stopped understanding, I promise you that.

Pompeo’s remarks also come as House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) has been trying to pressure Vice President Mike Pence and cabinet members to invoke the 25th Amendment and remove Trump from the presidency.

Amid reports that some of Trump’s cabinet members were discussing doing so, Pompeo tweeted out a photo of himself, Director of National Intelligence John Ratcliffe, and White House National Security Adviser Robert O’Brien in a sign that he was not abandoning the president under Democratic pressure.

“Honored to work alongside @DNI_Ratcliffe and @WHNSC Robert O’Brien. Great patriots who work every day to make America and the world safer and more prosperous,” he wrote.

Members also heard from Tucker Carlson earlier in the day, as well as from Larry Arnn, president of Hillsdale College, where the event took place. Carlson said he would not run for public office, according to a source in attendance.

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4/30/20/1

god April was 5 minutes long and I’m going to spend all 5 of them writing this post

this is honestly probably far too personal to put into the public of the internet, and perhaps I’ll take it down before anyone really sees it, but Tumblr is comforting because it is almost a graveyard and the people who remain (who I see in fleeting posts in passing, hi) I trust (or just will not see this because they do not care or the algorithm does not favor long text posts), whereas Facebook is horrifying and Instagram is worse, and this is likely going to be too long to hold anyone’s attention for the whole thing, but I also want to get some notes down for whenever I finally get to talk to my therapist again, so here we go

I woke up at 6:30am naturally (horrifying!), leapt out of bed because I realized how much work I had to do (hate when a nap turns into just...sleep!), and got a text from my dad 15 minutes later that my maternal grandfather was in critical condition, and somehow still managed to do work for the next six hours out of necessity

it briefly brought back flashbacks to 2012, where my dad didn’t tell me for a week that his father died because I had finals my first semester of college, but told me right after he picked me up as we were driving across campus to pick up a friend that we were taking back home, so I had about 3 minutes to compose myself before a 2 hour car ride (horrifying!)

my grandfather died around 1pm, and I had the truly unique (horrifying! ! ! !) experience of finding out via text while I was on a Zoom call as the TA, where I was the only person sharing video other than the professor (my advisor!), and I had to keep my composure while simultaneously finishing creating the homework that I was behind on making while also trying to figure out what to respond to this text notification of mortality, because I don’t know how to say any sort of condolence really in Chinese, but my dad was handling communications and just texting in English anyway — and I don’t know, it’s the kind of thing where I probably could’ve ditched the call and made excuses later, but the effort to preserve even the slightest tinge of normalcy in this moment seemed right, and I did my very best (and succeeded!) to not spontaneously burst into tears on camera, even though I did about 0.03 seconds after I hung up

an aside: thank god that my advisor was sharing screen and people were hopefully focused on him / in speaker mode or something, because my neutral face is....poor! not entirely sure because I avoided making eye contact with my virtual self aside from brief checks to make sure that I was still alive, still functioning as I flickered from screen to screen across my two monitors

I had a meeting scheduled with my advisor afterwards, and he was all ready to move into it, but was so extremely understanding the second he saw my message I had sent 50 min earlier that was effectively “can we push this back a bit because my grandfather died and I need to call my fam lol” and suggested (as any normal person with emotions would) that I take the time to formally postpone and regroup if needed (needed!) rather than just pushing back a half hour or so like I naively thought would work

I had to desperately cry for about 20 minutes (horrifying!) before I felt ready to call my family, even so 

I hate hearing my mom sad! it’s the fucking worst! but it was a relief for 2 seconds to exist over a phone line with someone who also couldn’t talk straight without needing to take a few gasping breaths

another aside: i didn’t write about this in February because, well, everything was on fire in my life already, so briefly: my mom was supposed to be in China through mid-March, having gone there in October. things obviously went to shit, given *gestures at COVID-19 and the world*, and we booked her an early return flight, given that the senior living facility my grandparents were in had already closed to visitors out of precaution. my brother, dad, and I collectively freaked the fuck out (my brother started crying in the middle of class and had to leave, I barely held it together in mine but paid negative attention) when flights back from China started getting cancelled (and for those like, terrifying few hours where Trump was going to ban foreign nationals since my mom’s not a citizen and they didn’t make it clear that immediate family of US citizens were fine), but we somehow made it happen

so, back to the phone call: I just let her talk and she had so many regrets about leaving China when she did, and it just made me feel like the shittiest person for wanting her back home in America when it deprived her of the chance to see her dad one more time. my uncle and mom luckily got to take my grandparents out of the senior home for one night to celebrate Chinese New Year the day before the facility closed to visitors, so they had one last dinner together as a family but thinking about the what ifs makes me want to cry all over again. my mom just kept saying how she wished she could’ve done more, how she wished they had gone to the hospital earlier for a check-up, and the most I could helplessly contribute was “coronavirus concerns were already rampant and it could have been even worse, given airborne contagion,” even if I said as many other things as I could, about how dialysis was painful as hell and my grandfather, the former doctor, said he didn’t even want to be in the ICU at the end years before his passing

I learned what the Chinese words were for “depression” today, when my mom said my grandfather said he had it and they had gotten him some medication for it a few months ago, and I was so stunned that it was “depression” and not some strange disease I was unfamiliar with that I couldn’t say anything for 30 seconds, and I can’t really write more on this point because I will just start crying, but perhaps I should really think about how aging research is largely focused on non-Asian populations and how perhaps, I’m uniquely equipped to contribute a bit to the field here (but, that is true for so many things, and I am tired!)

my grandfather was great. he was quiet, but stubborn as hell. he was a doctor, and he loved routine. he cared so, fucking, much about me and my brother. he always insisted on taking my brother and me on walks to the same few places that he liked to visit — I remember visiting this community center that had a ping pong table — and him going out of his way to find me internet access, since my grandparents’ apartment didn’t have it for most of the years I visited. he loved taking me and my brother to KFC, because he thought it was the height of Americanized cuisine in China, and was so proud of how much better it was than American KFC (which he hadn’t had, but he knew, and he was right. we would eat every single bite of a two-piece meal each. even the ketchup was better). he once cut out a newspaper clipping ranking UT as the #2 college on this huge list of colleges (I think it was referring to research endowments, but anyway) and saved it to show me almost a year later. he told me in 2013 that he would probably live to see me finish college, and he lived to see me two years into grad school, dying when I was halfway through year three. he was 89. I loved him so much, even if we didn’t get to talk much at all.

I’m so mad at all these fucking people who, in the land of the free and the home of the so-called brave, are being idiots in this time and not social distancing. I’m so mad at every single friend who posts a large or small gathering to their story, at everyone who is so thirsty for social connection that they’re willing to put everyone they’re in close contact with at risk to hang out with another person for just a few hours (horrifying!). humans are social creatures who need engagement and connection to live — having written 22 pages about health and social relationships across 12 hours a few weeks ago, I understand this point so saliently that it’s painful. but seeing such....levity when my mom is crying over not being able to even go back to China to properly say goodbye because they won’t admit anyone from the US (and the US has banned travel to China, like that was necessary in this xenophobic environment) makes me want to punch a wall. suck it up! call your friends over Zoom or FaceTime like the goddamn rest of us!

grief is so strange, and grief is encapsulated in every molecule of this new normal — the strangeness of missing the life that once was, even if the past wasn’t something that I thought I’d miss. I remember feeling so, so guilty for traveling twice in February because of the studying for comps that I should’ve been doing, and now I marvel at my foresight. (and have so many regrets for the people who I told “I’ll see you in April when I’m back after comps are done!!”

I’m in this weird spot where I feel like I’m screaming at the people around me to care, and all of them are too busy with different social ties, and I’m watching my connections wilt and fray because everyone thinks I’m so stable and put-together (or boring and shy?)

an example: I was left off of a reunion Zoom call with some people I worked with in college that was widely talked about on social media regarding “love having shared all this time with these strong women” and all, and it felt very, idk, selfish and whiny (horrifying) to be like “how can you call this feminism when I, a real woman, am being left out of this call”! the following exchange, about the above, happened with in a group chat with a very blunt friend:

D: “Also, how does it feel to be left out of that [organization] Women zoom call, Amy?” another aside: (this....was a stupid question. but we’ll allow it, because boys will be boys.) me: “lol it honestly hurt my feelings but it's not like they weren't cliquey from the very beginning ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ to be expected I suppose” D: “Yeah when I saw that I was like “Why didn’t include Amy, she was there at the same time as they were”” me: “LOL thanks for thinking of me 🥺 they clearly did not”

(the other friend staying quiet, because it was tangibly awkward, even if I tried to play it chill, but my feelings remain hurt) perhaps if I cared more, or wanted to try and make people feel bad, I would’ve replied to a story with “tfti”, or laughed, or heart-reacted, or something “casual” that still implicates “where was my invite”, but....is it even worth investing the hurt and care and time when I’m not even sure it would spark embarrassment on their end? because perhaps they intentionally just do not...care about me and my feelings? at all? (horrifying?)

(I already know this to be true, even if the snub was unintentional, but I needed to muse about it anyway)

another aside: I still talk with plenty of people from this organization who I am MUCH closer with, and I shouldn’t feel snubbed to be snubbed by people who I never felt too close with in the first place! (and yet! horrifying!)

sent an extremely passive aggressive message earlier and yet, K tells me that the people in the chat might not even read it as passive aggressive! (horrifying!)

god. I don’t know! I feel so much sadness and anger, and yet still have a few hours of work to do tonight. it’s wild that even today, where my heart just hurts every few seconds if I think too hard, I still have my mind centered in needing to be productive and not lazy because I’ve already spent too much time procrastinating on my work (horrifying!). but the work is about Asian American collective action / media production, and I feel good about it, and I’m working with some badass Asian women, and I really hope it lands in this flagship journal, because that would be a win, and I kind of just need one! 

oh if it’s not clear I finished comps and I don’t know if I passed yet but they’re done so...that’s something

also whoever fucking looked at Chicago style citations and thought “oh hmm, let’s make another type of Chicago style that is DIFFERENT and call it Chicago style documentation” is the literal fucking devil

ok this is enough for now bye. god this was long. (horrifying!!!!!!)

The Tale of Two Viruses: Part 13

First a little Clorox to clean the soul, then some UV light, for some insight, and now a dose of hydroxy (chloroquine) for some moxie.

The Don’s declaration during one of his Bozo the Clown press conferences, that he was doing hydroxy as a preventive, like some club drug, was another page in “How irresponsible and stupid can you be?”

But wait. Was this spontaneous admission that he was taking hydroxy true? Who knows. But hey, why not once again hype a drug already to have no known impact on the virus, but that does have serious side effects, particularly on morbidly obese individuals with heart issues? This is what he said about taking it:

“I’m not going to get hurt by it. It has been around for 40 years for malaria, for lupus, for other things. I take it. Front-line workers take it. A lot of doctors take it.”

If you are a doctor please raise your hand if you are doing hydroxy, as I want to report you to the licensing board so your license to practice medicine can be revoked. (Since that inane statement Lancet, a world renowned medical journal, published a study, which included 96,000 Covid-19 patients and found that not only was it ineffective, but people taking it had a higher mortality rate!)

Didn’t you just love Nancy Pelosi’s statement of concern that our president was “morbidly obese.” When asked about this comment she said: “I gave him a dose of his own medicine. He’s called women one thing or another over time, and I thought he thinks that passes off as humor in certain cultures,”

I know Nancy talks about praying for the president: she has high moral standards, but she is also very clever. Remember The Don’s State of the Union address when she mocked him while ostensibly praising him with applause. Well, maybe her taunting him about his health was a coy ploy to get him to double the dosage in defiance. Prod The Don to show her how the healthiest 73 year old in the world, was invincible.

Say it out loud, say it proud to your doped-up masses (remember the new polling saying that 45 percent of Protestants believe that The Don was God’s idea?)  Liberate them and send them out with their guns to storm pharmacies so they can get some of that good stuff.

Even old reliable Fox News had to defy The Don and say “Um no, don’t do that.”  Their disloyalty ticked him off and he pined for the good ole days of Roger Ailes and his sexual assault bandits. Even Fox has its limits regarding how many people it wants to die.

But let’s return to whether The Don is even taking the drug. Many doubt it.  How disturbed do you have to be to say you are taking a drug that is dangerous, when you are not? And why? Because you were angry at Dr. Bright’s testimony to Congress regarding the drug’s lack of efficacy? It’s like a parent telling a two year old not to eat dog shit, but in a fit of obstinacy and defiance, he shovels it in to his mouth. That’ll show you, nervous Nancy.

During the press conference, The Don had to remind the nation that even though he was doing an infomercial about the drug, he didn’t own the company. But the government did buy 29 million doses.

Let’s move from the world of drugs that can kill you, to the no federal guideline plan to “Open up America” or from my point of view “Open Up the Veins of America.” In the parlance of harm reduction, you make sure people who are cutting themselves are doing it safely-not cutting too deep or near a vein. The maxim is: If you are going to cut because you are compelled to, be intentional and careful; the same strategy should be employed for opening up the country. The bottom line is that The Don doesn’t care how many people cut their veins and bleed out as long as they are out there showing the world that America is opening up.

All over the country essential workers at meat processing plants and other businesses, where density of workers is a serious problem, positive cases are erupting like wildfire. Lacking national guidelines puts workers lives in jeopardy.

Workers are pawns whose lives do not matter; the majority of these workers are black and brown.  They are widgets in a system that wants to protect businesses against law suits when forcing workers to go to work and cancelling their unemployment if they refuse; the rich Republican business men are as much behind the reopening as the freedom fighters are. American greed and capitalism to its rotten core.

As far as interesting new twists in The Don’s version of “Survivor,” how about certain nursing homes refusing to release infection rates because it would be bad publicity for business. Um, but what happens if you have harbored fantasies of matricide for an abusive mother and have finally find a legal way to do the deed? I call foul.

Or how about The Don’s Secretary of Health Alexander Azar blaming black people for having pre-existing conditions that exacerbate the impact of the virus increasing death totals. The numbers are inflated because of those people. What nerve!

Or what of The Don’s threat to withhold federal money for the epidemic from Michigan and a few other states run by Democratic governors if they go ahead with plans to support democracy by ensuring mail-in ballots. Is that Impeachment Part two? Like with Ukraine, quid pro quo? You stop the mail-in initiative or else you get no money?

The Don is so freaked out about the election that he has finally decided to use the full weight of the government, not for testing, but to have his base remove mailboxes in Democratic states so no one will receive a ballot.

Speaking of opening up veins, in a nod to his base, The Don declared that governors had to let religious institutions open up. Praise the Lord. Sing out. Spray your spirit. Have a wafer. Have some wine, the blood of Christ.

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IN THESE TIMES

Sara Nelson in her own words on building a fighting labor movement, the proud history of democratic socialism in America, how workers ended the shutdown, and how they'll stop Trump, too.

On May 10, 2019, Association of Flight Attendants president Sara Nelson gave a speech to the Chicago Democratic Socialists of America’s annual Eugene Debs–Lucy Gonzalez Parsons–A. Philip Randolph Dinner. We reproduce the speech here in full, lightly edited for online publication.

Good evening, sisters and brothers. I’m here because aviation’s first responders did me the great honor of electing me to lead our union. I’m here representing them and stand in awe of their courage and care for all of us.

Our union, the Association of Flight Attendants–CWA, with fifty thousand members at twenty airlines, first formed to beat back discrimination that ranged from quitting at age thirty, or stepping on a weight scale until 1993. We fought for men to have the same rights as women on the job, and we were at the forefront of LGBTQ rights.

That spirit is what led flight attendants to declare we wouldn’t work flights that facilitated the Trump Administration’s evil policy of immigrant family separations. And it’s that spirit that led us to take a firm stand during the government shutdown, when millions of people were out of work, others were forced to work without pay, all of us were increasingly unsafe, and our entire economy was on the line. With access to 360 million voters in our workplace, we intend to continue to use the spirit of our union for good.

And let me tell you I’m proud to be with you, the Chicago Democratic Socialists of America. You have won some great victories here in this city this year. You have helped elect some incredible leaders.

Still, some ignorant political hack or media purveyor of hate is likely talking trash right now about democratic socialists. And here’s what I have to say. Helen Keller was a democratic socialist. And so was Albert Einstein. And so was George Orwell. And Bayard Rustin. And the Reuther family.

When Nazi troops came to the Warsaw Ghetto to kill the last Jews left, the men and women on the rooftops who met them with gasoline bombs were democratic socialists, and democratic socialists stood up against dictatorship throughout the twentieth century, they filled Stalin’s camps and Siberian graves.

The minimum wage, national health care, worker safety rules, Social Security — before the Great Society and before the New Deal, this was the democratic-socialist agenda.

And of course our democratic-socialist working heroes, Eugene Victor Debs, A. Philip Randolph, and Lucy Gonzalez Parsons. The police called Lucy Parsons “more dangerous than a thousand rioters” because of her skills as an orator, organizer, and rabble-rouser.

Her cry that only direct action — or the threat of it — will move the boss is a lesson we can all do well to remember.

Especially today, in this moment of crisis. Just one in ten workers in this country is a party to that charter of freedom and badge of dignity called a union contract. Our republic is mocked every day by the president who swore to defend it and by those who made him in the Republican Party.

Around the world, the dark forces of hate driven dictatorship are on the march, much as they were in the 1930s. Those who seek power through hatred feed on and inspire violence and madness, and leave behind random victims slaughtered in prayer — Christian, Jewish, and Muslim.

And yet we are gathered at a time of tremendous hope and possibility. And so I come here not to make you angry or tell you terrible things, but to bring you good news from America’s working people, and to speak to you in the language that Debs, Parsons, and Randolph spoke: the language of solidarity, of hope.

(Continue Reading)

By the amount of fic I read and how bad my memory is I'm still not surprised that I remember exactly what happens in your fic a superstar, a year on and I'm still so intrigued as to what would've happened next it was so good and such an interesting take on kid fic ugh your mind blows me away with your creativity and conception of plot

oh wow, a superstar! barring something truly unexpected that’s gonna be a forever WIP, so here anon, is what happens next along with a shit ton of backstory

Backstory / Outline

Dan’s been an au pair since he was 20. He’s only had a few families (because he’s so good and they love him) who all swear by him. Families who can afford nannies are, by nature of the job, usually wealthy. Families that can afford an au pair, particularly one of his rate and reputation, are usually quite wealthy. He hasn’t broken into the big Old Money leagues quite yet, but he finds the nouveau riche to be a little more flexible as far as Dan’s style and general deportment. 

Of course, working primarily with new money means he’s often working with celebrities. They’re British, so the celebrity culture isn’t nearly as rabid as it is in America. 

But he does have a respectable stack of clippings from gossip mags that have identified him as someone’s mysterious new lover or piece on the side. 

He doesn’t blink at Bryony’s assignment of one last job: Phil Lester. 

Lester’s been making a comeback in the last couple of years, rebuilding his cultural cache after a few years outside of the spotlight. Bryony swears it's a short job, nothing like the last years-long job he just wrapped up. 

Dan’s loathe to admit it, but part of the reason he’s hesitant to take on another job, other than wanting a career change, is that leaving families wears on him. 

He’s not that breed of caretaker who can separate himself from his families. Some of these kids he’s watched grow from little lumps of cute into real humans with opinions and preferences and it can be hard to let go. 

Which is why, when he meets Sophia, he knows he’s screwed because she’s a firecracker of a kid and he falls a little in love with her as soon as they meet. 

Note: Sophie’s real first name is Manon

Dan’s bi and ends up helping Phil work through some of his own stuff about being pretty much gay, but having been in love with Margaux

He’s got depression and a touch of anxiety and explains those to Sophia at some point. 

He knows he’s in when he realizes he’s been looking up tutorials for styling curly hair online. 

Phil

Former youtuber that won a contest to be on a couple episodes of some failing TV show & became a dark horse who ends up getting picked up for a few other shows and eventually (shortly) makes the jump to film. 

The industry falls all over themselves to talk about how -nice- he is, how -polite-

It's untreated anxiety that leaves him bordering on panic attacks at every red carpet debut but he never says that. 

It gets worse after he’s caught coming out of a gay bar, mouth still attached to some boy

It's not exactly homophobia that drives him out. People are kind and don’t say anything to his face. 

But suddenly they want to know things. 

How long has he known?

What's his type?

They want him to be a role model and he just wants to live

It's an easy decision. It's so easy to walk away he almost feels guilty. He loves acting, so much it surprised him when he first started, but he knows he can’t stop doing it. 

So he stops taking roles. He doesn’t sign any new contracts. He nods and smiles when people tell him he’s making a mistake and he pickets his last checks. 

He doesn't go far,  just moves to a smaller apartment in London, in a less ritzy area and waitings until people stop trying to follow him home. 

It's not a meltdown, no matter what The Sun (?) says. The fame just starts to feel like a cold hand around his throat and he gets out before it starts to squeeze. 

There are people who understand and they’re proud of him. That feels awkward too, but nothing like the gaze of the public. 

He can eventually go back to school, for video editing, and he has a few things with guys that are short term. 

Which is fine. He’s young enough that he’s allowed to be restless and a little freewheeling. 

Margaux is...was...is a shock to his system. 

She’s a second generation French-American who moved to London so she can be boring in peace. 

(She’s French & Creole specifically. Sophia’s legal name is Manon Sophia Ange Siméon Lester. Obviously she only goes by Sophia Lester for the most part. Her maternal relatives aren’t pleased with that)

Margaux’s family was small when they met and only got smaller over the years they knew each other until it feels like it's just them and Sophia. 

The thing is, Phil never called himself gay. The press did. 

But he would now. Because he knows that there won’t be other women after Margaux. He knows it's unhealthy, but it's better than deciding there will never be anyone else at all. 

They were friends. They’d never called themselves anything more than that--not before Sophia and not after. 

Sophia is nearly seven with Margaux goes on the trip. They’d lived together on and off, so it's nothing strange for her to be with Phil rather than one of her two remaining maternal grandmothers. 

Phil is Sophia’s father, legally, biologically, all the way. But he sometimes feels like the most out of place person in her life. He doesn't know how to express to Sophia how much he loved Margaux while still being a mostly-gay man. 

Phil’s weirdness about bisexuality (his own and the very idea) is a sticking point between him and Dan

Sophia knows and doesn’t particularly get why the delineation matters. All she knows is her Dad sometimes acts unsure of his own Dadness. 

Margaux dies because of a head injury. She’d gone on an extended vacation with friends and gone bike riding without a helmet and fell. The friends took her to a clinic and she’d gotten a bandage for the scrapes to her forehead, a scolding and a clean bill of health. She’d skyped with them that night and made jokes about ruining her moneymaker. In the morning, she was gone. 

People in Phil’s life, his relatives and former friends, characterize Margaux as a funny little deviation that would have just faded into a fun story if not for Sophia. Phil doesn’t argue, because he doesn’t want to upset things)

Dan realizing that Phil loved her is a moment of breaking through Phil’s shiny veneer of untouchable politeness)

When Phil decided to start acting again, he’s not expecting things to progress as quickly as they do. He knows that people were impressed with him when he was younger. He’s shocked to hear words like “critically acclaimed” get thrown around. He was just a kid escaping into the lives of people who had bigger problems than him. 

But he reaches out, because he misses it and he’s tired of being a not-widower, hanting everywhere he goes, and the roles come. 

And the gaze comes with them. There are small things. A c-plot role, a secondary character. A lead role from a smaller studio. And then a big break comes across his desk. It's a middling role, but everyone that gets top billing comes with an Academy Award attached. And there are explosions in the script. The kind that mean a summer blockbuster. He takes it, and suddenly, he’s on the edges of spotlight again. 

Phil knows what he looks like. Internet star turned film star who goes gay, disappears for a few years, then returns, unpartnered with a brown, French speaking, half-American (half black America) pre-teen in tow. He looks like a ton of clicks, maybe a record number of copies sold.

Soph is 11. 

He takes the role and calls Bryony directly, because there’s no way he can do this alone. 

Part One: Meeting

Dan’s finishing up his first month back home after leaving a family. He’s got scripts on his desk--good, meaty roles that have him thinking he might not take another family on, yet. 

Bryony calls, which is interesting. She’s the head of the agency & they’re friendly but not on phone call terms. 

She offers him the job. He initially refuses. She admits it's a personal favor kind of job, and temporary and she wants her best on it. 

Dan agrees to a chemistry meeting. 

They meet up, Sophia charms dan and he still says no. 

She comes with a short term nanny because her dad’s running late. 

Phil shows up & Dan’s jaw clenches because PHil’s the kind of rung-jumping acting success story that Dan’ resents. 

So he’s sarcastic and a little cross because he hates that and the choir boy facade Phil puts on

Maybe he makes a euthanasia joke? Or something about an uncaring universe that goes over Sophia’s head. 

Except Phil laughs and doesn't glanced nervously at Sophia the way parents do sometimes when dan gets a little dark. 

Phil finally sends Sophia off to buy a cupcake so he can be alone and upfront with Dan. 

He explains that it won’t be a long term job, just the 9 months he needs to be in America to shoot and then Dan is free. 

“This is just the first time we’ve done this,” Phil says, watching Sophia through the window. “And I want to give Soph the best. She deserves the best. Better than that.”

And Dan’s a goner. He’s still a businessman, so he asks for time to consider and sends his terms of employment to the agency’s lawyer. But he knows he’s going to do it. He makes a mental note to look up a list of tutors if they don’t already have one hired. 

Part 2: Getting to Know Each Other

Dan makes the assumption that Sophia is adopted & Phil awkwardly corrects him--this is the beginning of their conflict over the word bisexual. 

Phil’s never had an au pair, so he’s uncomfortable with how *there* Dan suddenly is. He doesn’t move into their London flat because there’s not room for him but they start preparing for the move & he’s got experience in ordering houses for that, more than Phil does. 

They don’t have any other staff. Sophia will get a tutor in America, but she’s finishing her year in school & Phil lives well within his means, small flat, they cook for themselves and the cleaning lady visits once a week. Dan’s the only one there all the time & despite all his years of experience, he feels invasive. But he also gets to see how close Phil and Sophia are, including watching them do “homework” together, Sophia doing equations & Phil running lines. 

They go to America. Phil’s one movie has turned into parts in three movies. In one he’s playing a semi-serious playboy villain who was once the husband of the (superhero) lead. In another, he’s a professor/mentor in a teen dramedy. In the last one, the blockbuster/oscar bait, he’s playing a man whose life is ruined by the rise of the regime the main cast is fighting. Dan thinks the last one is the only one that sounds interesting. But he’s impressed with Phil’s handling of learning all the scripts. They’re surprisingly disparate characters. The playboy is, at his core, a sleaze that covers himself in a fine patina of British politeness. The professor is clearly meant to be someone whose awkwardness translates into the kind of cool kids would find appealing & Phil manages to strike the balance gamely. And the last one is...it's Oscar bait and even though Phil’s part isn’t big enough to get him supporting actor billing Dan can see him prepare to give a career-changing, maybe even life changing performance. 

The first two he practices in front of them. Dan gets sick of the lines, finds himself muttering them along with Phil as he makes Sophie’s snacks. 

The other one, only Dan sees. 

He doesn’t at first. For a while Phil locks himself away in his room and Dan can only hear the muffled yelling of a one sided argument. 

But one night he’s sitting, looking out over the city, thinking about going to bed when Phil comes out and asks him, sheepishly, if he’ll listen and tell Phil if he sounds wooden. 

Dan agrees and they sit at the kitchen table. Phil takes a long, steady breath and suddenly there are tears. He holds his head just slightly higher, proudly, and there’s suddenly a stoney archness Dan’s never seen on him before. 

“And so that’s it,” Phil says, his voice cold, closed off and defeated. “Eleven years and you hand me over to your precious leader.”“Josiah,” Dan says, looking at the script. “You have to understand. I had no choice--”“Coward,” Phil says. It's a simple word but still feels like it pierces Dan’s core.“My darling,” Dan says. “Please.”Phil stands. Dan watches him. “Remember that.” He stalks around the table, his eyes still shining with tears. “When I am on my knees, begging for life, when they’ve made you my executioner.”He steps closer, standing a hair too close to Dan, and says, anguished, “Remember that I was once your darling. Your beloved. Your love.”Dan is rapt, waiting for the next line, but Phil clears his throat and takes a step back. “And then they kiss and Josiah leaves,” Phil says, suddenly back in his own body and self. “What d’you think?”“Wow,” Dan says, hoping his face isn’t betraying his surprise that Phil can actually, really act. “Um. It’s good. Your movements could be a little smoother. They were together, right? So Josiah should be used to getting in--what’s her name?”“His,” Phil says, settling back into his kitchen chair. “Theodore. Theo.”“Woah,” Dan says before he thinks better of it. “You’re playing gay?”Phil quirks an eyebrow, “It's not really...playing?”Dan waves a hand, “Obviously. But that’s a big choice, role-wise. You aren’t afraid they’ll just see you as the gay one?”Phil stares at him, brows furrowed until Dan mouths, “What?”“You do know...about me, right? How my career got started? And why I stopped? I’m already the gay one.”“But you have a choice. I’m not saying you should change your mind. The film industries closet shit is bullshit. But you have a choice.”“Dan. I know. And the choice is what I get to be private about.  An actor--a celebrity who isn’t trying to walk back their youthful indiscretion is way more interesting than a mostly gay man with a kid and a dead...Margaux.”Dan feels...so many things. “You can’t hide Sophie. She’s your kid.”“I’m not hiding her,” Phil says, and Dan knows immediately that this isn’t the first time Phil’s heard this exact argument. “I’m protecting her.”

Dan keeps agreeing to run lines with Phil. He never asks for the script, so he learns Josiah through Phil, the early scenes where he’s playful, teasingly sensual, his deteriorating life and mental state and the way he dies. 

They don't run those lines when Sophie is home. It's understandable. It's unsettling for Dan, an adult who understands the depths you can get to while acting, to watch Phil muss himself up and drop unceremoniously to his knees, hands clasped behind himself. It's a short scene & Dan knows the public will be outraged with the scene. But every time he reads his own lines, a choked, delicate line of “I have to.”Phil nails it with workman’s precision everytime, He looks slightly past Dan, huffs a soft broken laugh and says, so quiet and tender, so full of betrayal. “You’ll never forget this day, Theo.” Dan doesn’t know what happens in the rest of the movie, but he’d pay the price of admission to watch Phil say that sentence.He’s been convinced, won over, sold & transported.

The fic doesn't end after they hook up for the first time, follows them through figuring out that this can’t be a one time thing and they both want this to last. Phil encouraging Dan to take on acting and not just because they can’t be together publicly while Dan is Sophie’s au pair. 

Ending of the fic is Sophie and Dan hanging out at the Oscars (or BAFTAs?) waiting for Phil to come out of the bathroom. It's a few years later (enough years that Dan should probably be freaked out about how many of the actresses he and Soph agree are super hot) and Phil’s up for an Oscar for best supporting actor. 

*At some point they get drunk together (after some terrible award show?) and talk about their first and best times with men and Dan accidentally dirty talks to Phil because he’s drunk and reminiscing about some truly outstanding cock he’s had in his day.