update: none

the vibes are soOoOOoOOOoooooOOooOOo goddamn bad

“Never make fun of someone’s passion because that’s the thing that saves them from the world.”

— Unknown

the vibes are soOoOOoOOOoooooOOooOOo goddamn bad

blew the best smoke rings of my life and barely felt a single thing

speechless

how do you escape feeling terrible all the time

so it goes, on and on, just like a melody

i think i'm losing my grip; everything off the beam

running out of reasons to enjoy life tbh. it’s all starting to feel numb

closest connections really don't mean shit apparently

well!

> I don’t know. life is confusing these days. I oscillate between being content and feeling confident, but quickly pivot back to being doubtful and scared. it’s a lot of underlying sadness!

> for someone who used to pride herself on her writing and reading, I do so little of either these days. even for work! it just all feels so…empty. even trying to write this tumblr post at 5am is an effort. but it seems good to get these thoughts down!

> nothing like cleaning out your Google drive when attempting to take it from 250+ GB to less than 5GB to remind me of how much I’ve done for countless others who have done…remarkably little for me!

>> my therapist once said that helping people gives me strength a la I want to be needed…and she was right…but also so wrong?? should wanting to feel needed come with all this bitterness? an uncomfortable feeling!

>>> I haven’t been to therapy in almost a year, even though I probably have needed it more in the last six months than I have since…fall 2018. alarmed at how telling my therapist about everything would maybe take up two sessions aka $300. realizing that temporary serotonin from purchases or experiences is a more palatable bandaid than confronting demons (related but unrelated aside: falling in love with a third boy group is certainly my limit, but I owe these SVT boys for dragging me out of a dark place tbh). oops!

> family dinner prayers are only getting more awkward, even if only half of us realize it. help!

> I don’t know. I feel so determined to get things in order — like c really wanting me to be at her birthday party even though to do so means I need to rapidly figure out my life to be in LA a week early, which should be motivation enough — and yet…execution is so difficult. is it my immense ADHD? or does medication not doing anything mean I need to address the roots of depression first? or am I just…too scared? of life, of decisions, of disappointing others but most of all myself? gah!

> not sure this was a productive exercise. tired of feeling like I’m not more than an afterthought to some of the people who mean the most to me. tired of a sleep schedule that hasn’t been normal ever since Bailey died. tired of this relative mental instability. tired!!!

Pop! Pop! Pop! ♡ SOOBIN VLIVE (220718)

➔ BONUS: Best smile award 🏆

We are alive. And now the work is to be gentler with ourselves and with the world. I want such a sweet life for you. I want the fierceness of attention, of the light coming over the hill, of your own hand bringing a cup to your mouth. Of love, which will abide so much longer than the fire.

Molly McCully Brown, from Places I've Taken My Body: Essays

sorry for containing multitudes. As if it's my fault

[locks eyes with my reflection in the front of the microwave as i dip a spoon into a glass jar of honey] do not delude yourself into thinking you are a kind person. no such thing exists. you are simply someone who has done kind things in the past and who will do kind things in the future. kindness is something you must practice and put effort into as long as you are alive. it is not a state of being, but rather many decisions you make and actions you take throughout your life. to cherish your supposed kindness overmuch is to hurt yourself in the long run, and to hurt others too. labeling yourself a kind person will either blind you to the harm you have brought and will someday bring to those around you, or land you in a situation where you hurt someone, intentionally or not, and immediately fall to pieces as your identity as a kind person is shattered. kindness not something you are. it is a practice. you will fail at it sometimes and people will not always forgive you for it. regardless, you must try your hardest to make kind decisions and perform kind actions as much as you can. this is all any of us can do [puts the spoonful of honey in my mouth and walks out of the kitchen]

awake at 4 am i gotta remind myself that none of the emotioions im experiencing rightnow are peer reviewed

scattered late-night thoughts, articulated while writing a review that is almost 3.5 weeks late

my dog would've been 16 this June, but she unexpectedly passed away in her sleep on Mother's Day

on one hand, this was gracious (going to the vet or having one come to our home to put her down would've probably killed me, she would've been so scared, we didn't know of any obvious health problems even though I'll wonder for the rest of my life if there's something we could've noticed or done)

on another hand, it feels like getting hit by a train randomly, regularly

passing in your sleep is pretty ideal, all things considered

I still can't get used to writing about her in the past tense

"you know without you, I'm so lonely"

how is my body even capable of crying every day for almost 3.5 straight weeks

related, I am so fucking dehydrated lol

I have cried in so many fucking public spaces!

thank god for masks and sunglasses and people who don't mind looking the other way or not talking about things like obvious shower cries

related, shower cries are the move if you want to minimize puffy eyes! hot girl tip

I looked in the mirror the morning after I found out, right before heading to Zion National Park, and my eyes were so puffy it was like I had an allergic reaction

the past two months have been a dream, both good and bad

I honestly don't even want to think about where I would be mentally at this moment in my life if I didn't have BTS and TXT and good music, generally!

doing both very well and very poorly, personally and professionally! what is this whiplash! is this just imposter syndrome? am I royally fucking myself over? is this just academia? lol

trying to piece myself back together is so goddamn hard right now lmao I have so much shit to do and...yet!!!!

I miss her so fucking badly

I will never, ever forget how I texted an ex a long text when his chinchilla, who I knew well, died and he...thumbs-up reacted

(fuck your excuses, my dude. you embarrass me.)

I am very comfortable with my life choices but am constantly surprised at the depth to which people I've been vulnerable with just...do not have even a grain of empathy to toss my way as a counter to persistent, public grief

but then again, why have expectations for people who fail you again and again and again — believe people when they show you who they are