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alien-ally · 2 years

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Koisenu Futari

Finished watching koisenu futari. The moment I saw it on tumblr I knew I had to watch it and to no one's surprise it has been life-changing. Representation wise and story wise it just kept getting better all the way. I had a smile on my face throughout, while different emotions flickered in my eyes.

Within 4 hours, they tackled so many of the jabs aro/ace and loveless people get, it got sort of overwhelming. And the fact that they did it without being insensitive towards any of the downplayed identities. Without using the ‘we can still feel xxx love' or 'we can still form xxx relationships’ to validate aspecs. Cause no matter where you lie on the ace/aro/apl spectrums, you shouldn't have to be redeemed. The variety of interpersonal relationships portrayed was just chef’s kiss. The entire scene of Sakuko in the aspec club. How one pair of people only called each other when they needed help and still referred to each other as family. Seeing that made me incredibly happy, as an aplatonic that desires some form of a comradeship. Reminded me once again that it’s okay to work out something out of the norm, as long as it’s comfortable for me and those involved.

Personally, as someone with zero allies in real life, I've depended solely on myself for reassurance. So it gets exhausting. Terribly so. Figuring out that you greatly differ from the majority at a young age and battling the perpetual estrangement that follows. Realizing that apart from my family and a few friends no one might ever get to see certain sides of me. Only to get heart broken by my parents who may never truly understand me. For all the times I felt hopeless, every night I spend scrolling through tumblr and aven forums unable to fall asleep. All the instances I thought of coming out to my brother and parents, except dint because I was waiting to reach an age at which my words would hold more credibility. Dealing with the incessant triggers strewn around carelessly. For every single time I felt compelled to justify my experiences and orientations, my right to know myself, when my touch-aversion and lovelessness felt like a disability. The sheer horror and befuddlement that crept up to me while watching the news, finding out about the monstrosities that happened to young girls , children and women. None of it comes from trauma, but without me knowing, at some point, being this way became my trauma. All of it has been portrayed awesomely by this show. It reminded me that although it may seem that way for now, I'm not alone and will eventually find more people like me.

I enjoyed all the characters in the story cause despite their initial bad responses towards their beliefs getting challenged, they were willing to learn. Willing to accept even if they dint necessarily understand. Some even eager to learn more (spoiler: Kazu). But most importantly watching this made of realize just how many tropes could come up if we experimented with aroace characters. We only get crumbs of representation but just IMAGINE the countless plotlines and relationship dynamics we could come up with for aspec characters!!! Including the fake dating trope, lovers to realizing you're aspec to becoming allies trope and so much more. There is so much waiting to be explored. I'm tired of watching people marvelling about love. Now can we please explore lovelessness? I tell you IT'S JUST AS EXTENSIVE as the mighty love itself.

This is probably my hundredth time editing this post. I just can’t finish expressing what I feel about this. Each time feels as though I’m missing out on something. The ending was the most best and perfect ending to ever exist. In the end, home is just somewhere you can return to, someone you can split chores with, someone that motivates you to try out intense recipes (cause when you get to share the food you make is when you reach true content of a successful recipe), someone to help you with your vegetable garden and house maintenance. Someone you can go shopping with. It’s literally anything you want it to be. A family (subject to change) is what you want it to be.

The many times the words aromantic and asexual was shown on screen was simply immaculate. Each and every word uttered by Takahashi deserves a separate frame. From his dream of building a vegetable kingdom to his eccentric udon making tactics. Plus yes, his love for crabs. Can't miss out on that. Sakuko's amiability, love for long coats and Kazu's neverending absorptivity topped off by Maya's affection for pandas.

I give this show an absolute 10/10. Someone is saying we should replace 'sending love' with 'sending cabbages' among aroaces omg that sounds amazing.😭 Underrated vegetable cabbage supremacists please gather around immediately

Okay I'm finishing off, as for my last words: Yeah. People who can't fall in love exist. I'm one of them. But that's not the point. The point is

#koisenu futari #aromantic #asexual #aspec representation #jdrama #takahashi satoru #kodama sakuko #aromantic character #asexual character #aroace appreciation is stored in the cabbage #takahashi and sakuko are some of the best characters I have come to know through media #forever going to hold a special place in my heart #touch-averse #life changing experience #aa mine

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emrysofealdor · 4 years

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The List of Merlin/Merthur Fic Prompts and Ideas That I’ll Probably Never Get Around to Writing Myself

This post is an absolute mess, lmao. Some of them are prompts, some of them are summaries, and some of them are just little story notions. If you want to write/draw/edit one of these, then go for it! All I ask is that you tag me or shoot me a quick message if you post it.

1) Prince!Merlin

In order to stop the feud between their two kingdoms, Prince Arthur of Camelot is betrothed to Prince Merlin of Escetir. When they meet, they are undeniably drawn to each other, but any hopes of affection are crushed when they open their mouths. Prince Merlin and Prince Arthur butt heads even more than King Balinor and King Uther, but the one thing they can agree on is that the feud has gone on for far enough, and if dealing with each other is the price to pay for peace, then so be it.

The biggest strain in their nonexistent relationship comes from magic. Merlin, or Emrys, has always believed in the prophecies, but his marriage to Arthur throws a wrench in things. Either a) Arthur, the biggest prat in all of Albion, is the Once and Future King, or b) Merlin will have to help his true King from the sidelines, possibly breaking the truce in the process, and all the while being trapped in a loveless marriage. Neither are particularly appealing to him.

Of course, Arthur discovers that magic isn’t inherently evil. And of course, Merlin discovers that Arthur is the Once and Future King. And of course, the two fall madly in love.

2) 4x06 Divergence

After he destroys the Fomorrah, Merlin returns to Camelot to find an anxious Gwen, a furious Gwaine, and most concerning of all, an Arthur who is trapped in a pit of despair and refuses to speak to anyone about it, especially Merlin. Now, Merlin has to figure out what the hell happened when he was under the Fomorrah’s control.

Spoiler alert: when Arthur found Merlin in the bog, instead of hugging him, he kissed him. Merlin pushed Arthur away, saying that he doesn’t think of him that way. Of course, this is all happening in front of Gwaine, who’s been dealing with both Merlin and Arthur’s pining, and who finally convinced Arthur to go for it, only for Merlin to shut him down.

3) another Prince/Nobleman!Merlin

Arthur meets Lord/Prince Merlin, and he’s immediately besotted. Merlin plays hard to get and is just in general a sarcastic, sassy prince.

I picture their dynamic in this to be like Hercules and Meg, with Merlin just roasting the shit out of Arthur while Arthur sits there like 😍

Arthur’s constantly like “Isn’t he just amazing?” and Sir Leon the Long Suffering is just sitting there like “...are you fucking kidding me”

4) The Toast

Arthur gets crowned King. At the feast, he gives a toast - to his knights, to Guinevere - but most shockingly, the final toast is to Merlin.

5) Modern!AU

When Merlin Emrys and Arthur Pendragon meet, it’s love at first sight. Unfortunately, neither of them know how to handle their feelings like regular adults, so instead, they resort to witty banter, pigtail pulling, and worst of all, pining.

Featuring a group of friends who just want to be put out of their misery.

6) The Lowkey Magic Reveal

“You have magic,” Arthur stated.

“Yes.”

Arthur paused for a long moment, glancing between Merlin and the armor that was now strewn across the floor.

“...And you use it to do your chores?”

“Occasionally, among other things. Saving your life, for example.”

Arthur’s face was completely blank. The pair stood in silence for what felt like an eternity, and Merlin felt his panic rising, before Arthur finally responded.

“Alright. Well, carry on, then, I suppose.”

He waved his hand and shut the door, and Merlin heard his footsteps walking out of Gaius’ chambers, leaving Merlin alone to wonder what the hell had just happened.

Or: Arthur finds out about Merlin’s magic. It goes better than expected. Too much better than expected, if you ask Merlin.

7) High School Theatre AU

Arthur Pendragon, jock extraordinaire, is cornered by the drama teacher, Mr. Kilgharrah, in the halls and is begged to audition for the school play/musical. He’s always been one to help wherever he could, so even though he’s never acted/sung in his life, he agrees.

Merlin Emrys is seen as the theatre gay boy stereotype - outgoing, bold, and confident. Most of the student body adores him, along with the teachers and generally everyone he meets. He hates Arthur Pendragon on principle, considering that he’s simply waltzing into theatre and getting a lead role his first time simply because he’s a man.

You know the drill. Enemies to lovers, slow burn. Bonus points if the roles that Merlin and Arthur are cast in have gay subtext. Even more bonus points if the roles are openly gay.

8) Immortal!Merlin Accidentally Becomes Famous

In which Merlin gets bored of hating his immortality and decides to express his bottled-up emotions from Camelot and from over the years of waiting through song, but his music blows up, and he becomes a musical sensation. And in which Arthur is tumblr famous for his fan blog of the world-famous music artist Emrys, and keeps wondering why the hell Emrys’ work feels so familiar.

9) Hero!Merlin/Villain!Arthur

Arthur’s working for his father, the CEO of Pendragon Sciences, when day, Uther pulls him into his office and reveals how he’s begun developing biology altering drugs to make superpowers, something to directly counter magic. He uses magical human test subjects and tortures them to the brink of death. Furthermore, he plans to give someone close to him the first test of these drugs and essentially become his personal hitman. Arthur is absolutely horrified, and he realizes that he has to do something about this. He knows just how powerful his father has become - now that he understands the scope of his work, he realizes that no one will be able to stop him. No one... except for maybe, just maybe, someone on the inside of his corporation, and someone who he trusts unconditionally... like Arthur.

So, Arthur convinces Uther to use him as the test subject, and everything goes perfectly. Arthur gains powers, and he plays the part of the perfect, magic-hating villain, all while trying to undermine Uther’s operations. The media gets wind of this new villain, and so naturally, there needs to be a hero to combat it. Enter Merlin Ambrose, AKA Emrys, the most powerful magic user to ever walk the earth.

Merlin has been working with Morgana, Arthur’s magical half-sister who ran away once she discovered her magic combined with all of Uther’s shit, and they suspect that Uther is behind the creation of this villain. Merlin applies for a job at Pendragon Sciences as Arthur Pendragon’s personal assistant. You’ve probably got a pretty good idea of how it goes from there.

If you want to talk about any of these ideas, either share your thoughts on this post or message me! I haven’t even gotten into everything I have for some of these ideas, and I would be overjoyed to talk about them to someone or for someone to end up creating them!!!

#bbc merlin #merlin #arthur pendragon #merthur #bbcmerlin #merlinbbc #fic prompts #writing prompts #merthur au

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strwberrytae · 3 years

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So Long, Farewell, and Goodbye For Now -

“I don’t know how you are so familiar to me—or why it feels less like I am getting to know you and more as though I am remembering who you are. How every smile, every whisper brings me closer to the impossible conclusion that I have known you before, I have loved you before—in another time, a different place, some other existence.” - Lang Leav

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Hello, You ♡ Yes, You. You ethereal, beautiful being. I am writing to you with bittersweet yet wonderful news - depending on the perspective. I am writing this post to inform all of you that I will no longer be writing for this blog for the foreseeable future. What I mean by that is that I am not giving up writing forever, no. But my life has changed so much over the last two years, I do not see myself writing again for quite some time. But don’t worry! I will be back!

Below the Read More section, I have poured my heart and soul into the real reasons why I’ve made this decision. I warn you, it’s lengthy but it’s everything that has led up to this over the years. So, if you fancy, have a read. If not, I bid you farewell and wish you all the happiness in the world. Thank you for supporting me so far. I truly appreciate it and love you all very dearly. Now, if you wish to read it at a later time, I will have a link available on my page at all times for anyone who is curious. It’s a hell of a story if you ask me ~

Edit: Made by Me - also, a surprise photo at the end Warnings/Triggers: Talks of emotional abuse, depression, and suicide but also happiness and love -

When I first started this blog, it was 2016. I had been on Tumblr for over a decade now but BTS led me to writing passionately for 2 years. I was incredibly active and utterly consumed by this website. Not just for the writing, but I was so obsessed because of my friends and mutuals that I made along the way. Can I just say that I’ve met some incredible people on this platform - including my best friend and soulmate? Truthfully, the absolute best friend I have ever had. But more importantly, Tumblr was my greatest escape. I mean this website truly has been my saving grace through very dark times.

In that part of my life, I was in an extremely toxic relationship; by then, it was 6 years I was with him. He was emotionally abusive, had such a short-fuse temper, hated everyone I knew which led me never really seeing any of my friends after college, knew I was anorexic and did nothing to stop me, knew I had depression since we started dating and always argued it as if it wasn’t real, crushed my dreams and ambitions, mocked potential suicide attempts, expected me to just abandon all hope to ever leave home to explore someplace new or get a job that I actually love. He was...just the worst. Never hit me though, so I’m grateful for that. But sometimes I wish he would so it would have given me the voice I needed to get out of that relationship much sooner than I did. But regardless, because of him plus having a soul-sucking job that wore me down to the core, Tumblr was my escape. BTS was my escape.

I fell hard and I fell deep. I created a fantasy world within this world. All of my dreams, fantasies, desires, and hopes were poured into my writing. My imagination was running wild. My activity was through the roof because I was always on here day in and out, just pretending like the outside world didn’t exist. It consumed me...but I needed it. Looking back, it was pretty excessive. At the time, I seemed perfectly normal because everyone else was just as active and saying the same things and doing the same things. I felt a belonging, like I fit in.

But I hated the person I became. It took me getting yelled at, mocked, ridiculed, and belittled by my ex to snap me out of that illusion I built and back into reality. That was the roughest night that we had filled with lots of screaming on his end and crying on my part. He thought my obsession was sick. He thought it was disgusting. It all started because he found fake texts I had made with Jimin and Tae. Don’t recall the story it was a part of but he thought they were texts with the actual members… In my eyes, I should get credit for making them look so legit but he didn’t see it that way. He thought fangirling over men was essentially cheating. No matter how hard I tried to explain, he didn’t understand. But a part of his view was right. I learned that I was a bit too much into it and I really needed to take a step back from Tumblr for a while. So I did. I deactivated my account and disappeared for months. Also because he made me and threatened our relationship if I didn’t. Should have taken the out but ah well.

Just two months prior to this incident, I attempted suicide. Well, contemplated. Everything was planned out. Bought a hotel room for Thanksgiving night as I was working a super late shift until about 1-2am. My commute home was an hour long and I still had to come back to work at 7am. So I got a room. Brought a large amount of pills with me and I was going to call it. No notes written to friends, family, or loved ones. Nothing. I was done. Didn’t think anyone would miss me. I just figured the world would keep turning without me. I had thought about doing this several times before but this was my first time making plans for it. It was my lowest of the low. But then I met someone that night that changed my life entirely just in a 10 minute interaction of talking - nothing special. We’ll get to that later. But this person just gave me hope and to this day, I still can’t explain it. It was euphoric. I felt clarity. It was in that night that I thought I might hold out just a little bit longer.

And thus @strwberrytae was born - but it was far from the same. At first, I restarted the blog in secret. Why would I do this? Why would a 25 year old open a blog in secret? Well, two months after the awful fight, my ex proposed to me and I said yes. I know. Believe me, I know. I was scared. My depression was getting worse again. I no longer had an escape except for books. All I did was read so I had some sort of reality to be in besides my own. But returning to a brand new blog did not give the same satisfaction as returning to an old blog.

I worked so hard on my first blog and this redo, I tried to consider it as a gift. Perhaps this was a chance to start anew and rebrand myself. This optimism kept up for quite some time. Slowly, I added my favorite past works then added some new chapters. If you’ve been here with me since 2017, you would know that my appearance on Tumblr was still not the same. Then I got married in October.

An empty, loveless marriage that I regret to this day. Needless to say, my writing and activity on Tumblr was still practically non-existent as I was still too scared of getting caught. Even though he finally gave me permission to use it again because he could tell how miserable it was making me. Yes, gave me permission. Thankfully, it all ended after a year. I finally went to a therapist even though I hated them so much and all past therapists I had. She was pretty great. Within five sessions, I summoned the courage to break up with this guy. I was finally set free. Nearly 9 years together and I finally felt like I could breathe.

Unfortunately, although I was free, I had to live with the guy for about 5 months after the breakup. Which was beyond rough, believe me. Imagine someone writhing in pain and bawling their eyes out and venting non-stop about all of their faults and wrongdoings every single day. At the end of the day, as shitty as he was to me, he was my best friend too. We went through a lot of shit together and he did have some good sides to him too. So witnessing this was horrendous. Needless to say, I wasn’t getting much privacy either. Writing was not my top priority. Now it’s 2019 and things changed drastically for the better - and worst.

Remember the person I met in 2016 on Thanksgiving night? Well, that person is someone I crushed on every since that night. For 2 years. People, I’m telling you. He did absolutely nothing special that night. He didn’t flirt with me. He didn’t check me out. He didn’t do anything remotely to make a girl swoon but I was so drawn to him. The only word that could describe it was “cosmic” - beautifully cosmic.

Well in January 2019, 2 months following my break up, he came into my store one day. And my god did he look incredible. He was dressed head to toe in black - a fitted black suit at that. He even wore this long, designer jacket to match. Hair shaved on the sides with beautiful, thick dark hair on top. So tall - 182cm. A smile that could kill; quite literally. The canines are on point. He looked like a five course meal. That day, he definitely flirted with me. By the end of the week, we had our first date. Sadly, I also lost my job in the same week and was unemployed for a year because no one would hire me. I was laid off and one of my seniors took my job. Of course, they needed to keep me around for the holidays and then give me the boot. I was devastated. I hated that job so much as it only aided in fueling my depression but losing it was definitely an amazing thing. And! I survived on my savings and definitely didn’t spend my time writing. I had life to sort out last year - like from the ground up. No worries though. I got a job in February 2020 and I love it, so it’s all good, baby. Now I’m in the health field and feel like I’m actually helping people, which I love.

Now, here we are 2 years later and I’m engaged to the man. Someone who makes me smile everyday, believes in me, encourages me, let’s me be 100% myself, travels with me, taught me how to love myself, taught me to accept my body, gets me on a level that only my best friend could, and someone who goes above and beyond every single day to show me how much he loves me. Bonus, he welcomes my love for BTS with open arms, reads my writing, AND has even been sucked in himself to the fandom. Jungkook and Jimin, look out. You got another fanboy. I thought true love was impossible for me but I was very, very wrong.

He has shown me that I can be happy and I have finally experienced true happiness. When people ask how I’m doing, I don’t cringe and lie through my teeth. I smile and say that I am doing well because by George, I am. Everyone around me has seen me over the last two years and made the comment, “you look so much happier”. They meet him and swoon just as much as I do. Is he perfect? No, he’s not. He has flaws just like everyone else but he actually grows and learns from his mistakes to better himself. That’s what amazes me the most. Even if we argue, which is seldom, he refuses to let it go without resolution so we can always fix whatever the issue is. As we like to call it, we’re in-sync. In everything, we’re always so in-sync. I’m wildly in love, my dudes.

So, why am I not writing anymore? To put it simply, I’m happy and don’t really feel the desire to write anymore - at least not fanfiction. Even when I was super young, like elementary school, I used writing as an outlet for my dark escape. I wrote poetry primarily and by middle school, it turned to fanfiction for Supernatural, Simple Plan, and Panic! At The Disco. Along with a very long list of other bands and shows but anyways. I’ve been severely depressed since I was 15 and fanfiction put me in this hole that I couldn’t get out of. I relied on this method to help me get through all the bad shit I was dealing with. It was my coping mechanism.

Now? While depression never truly goes away as the lovely disease that it is, I am genuinely happy. Because of this, when I opened all of my past works and works in progress, I felt nothing but guilt. Guilt for not keeping up with my chapters or keeping my account active. I felt dread to have to escape in this world that I had created. I felt no joy or excitement. It was the strangest feeling that happened all in a matter of seconds. Thus leading to my final decision to take a step away from writing. Do I still love it? Absolutely. But now I think I’m going to re-route and focus my writing on what I love - reality. I’m going to get back into journaling and write essays about love and beauty as I’ve always loved to do. But for escaping into a fantasy world? I don’t know when I’ll be back.

Now I know what you’re thinking. “But you can write and be happy!” Nah fam. Writing has been my aid through dark times and now I mostly associate it with those dark times. And for once in my life, I feel this desire to enjoy reality and remain in it - with the exception of journaling here and there. Even daydreaming is difficult. It’s strange. I love my reality. This sounds like gloating now but it’s truly a remarkable feeling. When you’ve been battling depression for 15 years, it feels really freaking nice to say that I’m happy.

So that’s why I’m taking a break - in a very long, drawn out way. But my hope was that after this long story, you might understand truly why I am doing this. It would have been easier to just say that writing doesn’t bring me joy anymore but I feel that I owe more than that; especially because I really don’t know if I’ll write for this blog ever again. The last time I took a break, I disappeared without being able to explain myself and I wanted to do so now that I have the chance.

Ultimately, thank you to everyone who has stuck by me over the years. It’s truly been one hell of a rollercoaster. The friends I’ve made on here have seen me at my lowest of the lows. But hey! I’ll still be around. I just won’t be publishing or continuing any of my works anywhere in the near future. Seriously though. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. This website has helped me tremendously and I’ll never forget it. Besides, there’s lots of other exciting things happening in my life now so you’ll certainly see me pop in here and there to talk about it ♡

If you wish, you can message me for questions or anything you want to know. I’m an open book - at least about most things hehe. And don’t worry. I still very much love Taehyung and still wildly obsessing over how marvelous he is. Umf.

(here’s some recent photos of me as i rarely take selfies anymore haha. and a derp photo of me and the man i love >_< why is the cutest photo of him with the worst photo of me? still cute though hehe)

#me #personal #goodbye for now #no longer writing #bts writer

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mcrmadness · 3 years

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I need to stop going to these LGBT+ wikis to read about things when I feel confused over terms, I only end up being even more confused and overwhelmed over the amount of terms there, especially when over the half of them has "Tumblr use *name here* came up with this term in 20XX".

It's like a rabbit hole??? I just want to read about some aspec term, let's say aplatonic, and I end up in a spiral of pages that end up to a page that has a term such as ahomoheterosexualplatonicgay or whatever. And this is a joke. Maybe a bit distasteful joke but honestly, this is how I feel when I see the amount of these terms that sound more like they were only designed to one person and then uploaded to some LGBT+ wiki to where everyone can write!

And because I know how Tumblr is like, I'm gonna say that I am TOTALLY FINE with people coming up with terms for themselves, I'm not here to gatekeep anything or anyone, what I'm saying is that it's just so incredibly confusing to have the aspec identities broken into even smaller microlabels under microlabels.

I myself stop at asexual and aromantic. I don't need to define these terms more than that. Sometimes I use "loveless aro" but the reason I started googling and ended up being overwhelmed (as I do every single time I visit these wikis) was because I again forgot what it feels like to be a loveless aro, and simply wanted to know.

Then I again started to read about how it feels like to be aplatonic. Or demiplatonic. And I don't understand. But I might have found a new term for myself called Laimoplatonic because apparently it is e.g. "when one does not know if they are aplatonic or not because they don't know what platonic attraction feels like" and lmao if that isn't me. But that still goes a bit too far for me so I guess I'm gonna just keep saying I'm loveless aro or maybe aplatonic. There's also a chance of being demiplatonic but maybe I just have never met such person yet. I do have a desire for emotional intimacy (no physical), the kind you can experience with only one person usually (depending on what you like, that is), but that's all. Still don't know if that goes under platonic attraction or not since, as I already said, I don't know how it feels like since I don't know if I have ever felt platonic attraction. Exactly the reason for why I am aroace too cos I have never felt sexual nor romantic attraction, but at the same time I'm so curious I'm always wondering what do those feel like cos I can't even imagine them. It's the same with platonic. I do have that when I see someone and I just feel like I'd love to be their friend cos I feel like we'd get along perfectly, but I think that is more about the vibes and my loneliness and the need to have like-minded friends, and I'm not sure if being aplatonic (or demiplatonic) means that, or the lack of "deeper" platonic attraction.

This is why I use the word loveless aro sometimes because I do care about my friends and family, sometimes very deeply, but I cannot explain how do I care about them. I don't know what I feel or don't feel. I just have a hunch that it's not the same kind what they feel, you know? Not sure if it's my neurodiversity, but even that doesn't explain it when also many of my friends are neurodivergent aka probably would experience stuff more similarly to me than to neurotypicals. Yet none of them is fully aroace/aro/ace (as far as I'm aware), so they experience these differently from me.

But then again, it could just be the fact that I am very lonely and I don't even remember anymore how I am with other people in general. I think I know how I am, but at the same time I think it's just how I IMAGINE I am cos I no longer know. I only know how I used to be when I was a teenager, but I have never really had friends as an adult and I'm really bad at maintaining friendships. Like, that is another problem: I care about my friends, but I don't really miss them ever. I am always happy to text or talk or meet and it's lots of fun, but I just never have the desire to contact anyone. I can go for months without any kind of interaction with anyone and I don't feel a thing, cos for me friendships kinda are only put on hold but they don't disappear just because they're put on hold? I recently saw a post about something similar to this and apparently it's a neurodivergent thing. But yeah, if we talked yesterday or a year ago, I simply don't feel the difference. The only downside is: people do change a lot even in a year so I often feel like I no longer know the person because while the friendship was on hold, I feel like so was the person too.

A bit like playing a video game and when you quit, it continues from where you were left and the characters are still the same. That's how my brain think also real life works and it's always so weird to notice the people have grown and evolved meanwhile I wasn't interacting with them, which sometimes is very overwhelming for me. This is why I often have problems when I think about my friends as I often go from "THIS IS MY FRIEND" to "I don't know this person???" and back to "THIS IS MY FRIEND" in milliseconds. And it's very, very confusing. I often wonder if I actually know any of my friends and if everything is just an illusion in my head I have created from the pieces I have collected about them over the years. I could be so wrong about all my friends, when I really think about it. Especially when I have used even years old pieces.

For example: My only IRL friend I have known since we were 15, so for 15 years now, and I think the reason I feel weird about her is because some of the "pieces" of her are still the ones I collected when we were 15. And they don't fit today's pieces of her. Yet I try to make them fit and find it really difficult to throw away the old pieces, so in my head it's like a puzzle made from totally unmatching pieces I'm trying to force to stick together with tape and such. And that's why I still feel confused when talking to her, because the way she is today is sometimes much better than when we were teenagers, but at the same time I still am mentally in the time we were 15-20 and expect her to answer and think the way she did back then. It's very confusing to my brain.

Idk what I'm saying here. I meant this to be just a random rant but then it turned into a deep thoughts once again...

#mcrmadness' deep thoughts

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jenkinsknope · 3 years

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Year reflection under the cut babey

I had a really, really hard 2019 and I wrote in my diary towards the end that there was a “90% chance that 2020 would be better.” I...did not know that in just a few short months there would be a global pandemic. It has been another hard year (I can’t even really separate out what’s been hard because of the pandemic and what’s been hard because of other life stuff) and the pandemic is still here, but!!! something that I have found useful to look back at is a tumblr post I made at the end of 2019, where I forced myself to write out all the good stuff that had happened that year, so here’s one for 2020, too.

1. I took up piano again, I mastered a piece I’ve loved for over a decade and I was so much kinder and gentler with myself when practising than I had been as a teenager.

2. I got a bike and cycled on actual London roads! I really built up my confidence and took myself to places like Hampstead Heath and Primrose Hill for the first time.

3. I completed couch to 5k. I still haven’t run 5k yet, but I can run for 30 minutes straight and I feel a lot fitter. I admire my commitment to running no matter how slow I go.

4. I did a few solid good weeks when it was sunny and I returned to London and I would take myself to my local park and read a book and listen to Gaslighter by the Chicks or Tourist Season by Miel.

5. I had some days with friends (when cases were lower) that I really cherished.

6. I started writing something fictional for the first time in years and I am again better at being kinder to myself and managing my anxiety/perfectionism.

7. I had my real appraisal of my working life and I got great feedback. I feel like I’m a lot more confident and like I’m developing a “work self.” (Like the thought of networking used to make me want to vomit, but now I feel like I can start to do it.) I also got voted people and culture rep by my colleagues.

8. I completed stage one of trauma therapy. Therapy is fucking hard, but it’s something I need and I can feel the difference.

9. I had a conversation that I’d been putting off for literal years and generally learnt more stuff about how to communicate like an adult.

10. I went through two break ups. Surviving them feels like an achievement in and of itself lol, but feeling like I was properly in the “dating world” for the first time was important to me and I took steps towards embracing my needs. (I also listened to Hard Feelings/Loveless a lot for the line, ‘I care for myself the way I used to care about you.’)

11. The run up to Haim releasing their third album felt like a distinct period where I was just so excited and consuming every single interview I could get my hands on. They were all a lot more open about their experiences with depression and anxiety and it was affirming.

12. I did some work recording the tour I’d made around post-WWII immigration from the Caribbean to Britain in the context of British colonialism and I really, really enjoyed it.

#personal #year reflection

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thatlittledandere · 4 years

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Media hyperfixation: Boueibu! 📌, ✨, 🎶, 💕, 🏳️‍🌈 and 💎

Yessssss

📌 how did you find your hyperfixation?

Tumblr. Someone I originally followed for... Sailor Moon I think? posted an edit with the SC in flower crowns. Shortly after there was a promo post of sorts (you know those “omg watch this and here’s why” lists). It looked hilarious, and I watched the first two episodes on a whim. I knew I would love it within five minutes.

✨ what draws you towards your hyperfixation? what is interesting about it?

I fell in love with the humor. Aside from that, I love how the the monsters and their complexes or problems that lead to them being turned into monsters set a theme for the episode, and the DC’s idle talks are always around the same subject. And especially in s1 all the loveless felt so real! Comically exaggerated of course, but deep down they dealt with realistic issues. I saw myself in many. And I love how, at the end of the day, the most important form of love that Boueibu promotes is self love! Some of Yumoto’s speeches seem to contradict each other, and they do, because the show acknowledges that there is no catch-all answer to the question of happiness and self-fulfillment! Everyone has different needs! It’s neat!! Man, do I have a lot of thoughts about s1 loveless.

🎶 if your hyperfixation has songs/an ost, what is your favorite song from it?

Full of bangers and bops, here’s a non-comprehensive list: I refuse to rank the op-ed’s. Never Know and Why So Cool feed my emo soul. Narukoryu-kabu de Moukeru Houteishiki (god I hope I got that right) has swing. Brother Lover Rapper is RAP. IT’S BOUEIBU AND IT’S RAP. WHAT MORE COULD I WISH FOR? LITERALLY?? IT COMBINES TWO OF MY PASSIONS. Sync a Think is an ioryuu anthem. Does your ship have an official anthem?? I could make my brother listen to Idols no Shinjitsu and he would like it blissfully unaware that it’s from an anime OST (has anyone figured out what the lyrics are yet..?)

💕 tell us about one of your favorite characters and why you like them!

I’ve rambled about Ibushi enough tolast for a life time but who cares! Who am I if not THE Ibushi stan? You enabled this.

I still don’t know WHY I fell for him so bad but doesn’t matter. First anime character I called my husband. Unfailingly loyal, polite and patient but not without snark, passive-aggressive at times, knows when to pull punches and when not to, great backstory for his molluscophobia, deep velvety voice, tall dark and handsome, best oneliners, observant (contrary to what a popular fandom meme would have you believe). Criminally underused. You know there’s something amiss when a character SHINES in the side canons but could be completely removed from the main canon with minimal consequences to the story.

🏳‍🌈 do you have any headcanons (lgbt, race, neuro, etc) that are important to you?

At this point I can’t NOT see Yumoto as autistic. He has a “unique way of thinking”, he has special interests (animals), the cuddling is a sensory thing (he needs some kind of physical contact a lot), he stims (remember when ioryuu were giving each other the silent treatement and Yumoto, to quote Atsushi, “resorted to repetitive movement” and was so engrossed in it he didn’t even notice right away that Wombat was removed from his arms), he has routines (again, a certain number of cuddles), he minmaxes at school (zeroes in Japanese due to the aforementioned “unique thinking” but can allegedly tell the area of a shape by looking, so clearly he excels at geometry), he has trouble catching some social cues and conventions. That boy is autistic, y’all.

I have my sexuality and gender headcanons as well, but nothing so “important” I wouldn’t be able to adjust different interpretations for fics or whatever. Like my Ryuu is always 100% bisexual babeyyyy but if someone prefers him as gay that’s right-o, I’ve talked about ace Ryuu before, and I can even deal with him being honestly straight (bonus points if Io is still in love with him. One-sided pining train here we GOOOOO). I generally headcanon Io as demisexual, but have written him as gay as well. Is En gay or pan? Why can’t we have both? I’m flexible. But Yumoto is autistic, amen.

💎 are there any fun facts or trivia that you would like to share?

In s2 ep1 the DC talk about hourglasses. Ryuu seems to think saunas often have them, to which Io mentions he has a friend with a Finnish sauna in their home. First of all, this indicates Io has friends outside the Defense Club, which I still cannot believe after four years. Pics or it didn’t happen, Io. Secondly, and this is where I’m actually going with this, Finnish saunas do not have hourglasses in them. Why the hell would they? Not saying you CAN’T or SHOULDN’T but why WOULD you have an hourglass in a sauna?? I’m Finnish. Pretty much every Finnish home has a sauna. So does each swimming hall, usually more than one on both men’s and women’s sides of the showers. My family are sauna enthusiasts even by Finnish standards. I do consider myself an authority on this. I’ve been to, who knows, dozens of saunas in the 24 years I’ve lived on this Earth. Never seen an hourglass in my life. I’ve asked around, neither has anyone else I know. This unimportant throwaway line BOTHERS ME. Sauna is an integral part of Finnish culture. If you had to sum up the entirety of Finland in one word or one concept it would be sauna. You can’t just go around making lies. Sure there are saunas in many other countries and cultures as well and naturally they vary, but what the hell. What the shit and fuck. Look me in the eyes. I’m not joking.

media hyperfixation asks I promise to chill if you send in any more

#anon #asks #about me #'lots of thoughts about s1 loveless' and lots of gripes about s2 loveless lmao #they were much more... idk mundane? trivial?? superficial??? what's a good word #maybe it speaks about the villains as well. the beppu brothers are kind of uuh simple #not stupid definitely but they've got this one-track mind #('and the sc didn't?' ok ok ok yes they did. but i like them more lmao)#but honestly. 'i'm insignificant.' 'my self-worth is tied to other people.' 'i'm excessively self-conscious.'i have no control over my life #vs 'i want to get christmas off'#i know i know i'm oversimplifying #it's not just about having to work on holidays or not getting chocolate on valentine's day or not getting into art school #all of these do cause or stem from deeper issues #but they feel so much more situational than deep-rooted #it's a different perspective and not inherently better or worse. this is a personal preference. but i practically worship s1 loveless #what was the deal with happy kiss... i haven't thought about it as much. i've only seen it once #one dude didn't want summer vacation to end... another one's dad was a compulsive treasure hunter... one was the world's worst small talker #i think i've answered this meme before but whatever. never too much boueibu. and opinions change and wordings change #also i hate to admit it but in the anime ibushi is practically irrelevant #akoya and kinshiro are the characters and he's just there because two antagonists is not enough #and the sauna thing... i know it's not that deep. i know. it's a throwaway line with no significance to anyone else but me #but to me? boy does it have significance #finland mentioned but at what cost...#you can't just say whatever #i am about to start an international conflict. i am dialing japanese prime minister's number as we speak #edit: fixed the 'yesss' i couldn't make it look the way i wanted on desktop #the fuck's up with that

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aroworlds · 6 years

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Hey super big question , I feel like we’re about to be slaughtered this December because Grindlewald is Aro Gay And I’m worried that jk is going to completely dehumanize him with Jonny Depp and that she chose Jonny because of his ability to play dehumanizing characters and the writing and his portrayal combined is going to be horrific for us and I can’t stop stressing about it , and asshole allos had to bring up Grindlewald is Nazi metaphor and then I just read the wiki on Hitler, he was ace fml

I said on the weekend that we should be allowed to connect to characters who are not good representation and express that connection, and that’s absolutely true. This said, it is also true that our connection does not mean other people cannot discuss the problems with that character and story. I can express a connection with Clariel; other people have the right to discuss how her position as series antagonist situates her as another loveless villain and her message is, consequently, damaging. Both approaches are important.

To deny people space to talk about the problems, parallels and metaphors in a work or character because of our connection is as silencing as their denying us space to speak of our connection. There are specific spaces where it isn’t appropriate to discuss some feelings in that space (a fanblog where folks gush about Clariel isn’t the best space to argue that she’s dreadful aro-ace rep) and this should be respected. On your own blog, you can certainly put up boundaries on the conversations you prefer not to see. But in broader, general community spaces, the risk is that people will have differing viewpoints and that many of these viewpoints can be hard for us to take, especially if our connection to a character or work is deep and intense.

As an autistic, it can be difficult to see people have a differing opinion about a special interest. It bothers me if they don’t like something I like; it bothers me even more if they like something I consider terrible! It feels like a personal judgement, and it’s hard not to get extremely defensive in response. When it’s tangled up in questions of representation, erasure, marginalisation and identity, it becomes even more complicated, and my connection to my special interest is such that seeing differing attitudes and evaluations of it that hurt me provoke depression, defiance or anger. Those feelings don’t make for easy conversation about it with other people.

One thing I’ve found as an answer, at least in the realm of a work I connect to being dismissed, is analyzing works myself. Yes, I like it, but what does it mean? What’s the context of this character? What are the themes and how do they relate to real life? How might these themes cause harm to others? What does the context of this character say about identity? What lead them to develop this viewpoint? Is it one I should keep? This allows me to continue to engage with a special interest topic while having desensitised myself to viewpoints that aren’t mine, because part of how I now connect to it is thinking about it from lots of different angles. But this took me years to develop and you may not be yet in a position to approach things this way. It also doesn’t work for attitudes and evaluations of a work based in out-and-out hatred or bigotry; you need to be prepared to dismiss them without being overwhelmed by them, and that’s also an ability that takes time and self-awareness to gain.

I do recommend exploring the idea that a special interest doesn’t need to be perfect to have value to meand that a special interest doesn’t need to be perceived the same way by others to have value to me. Your connection to a work is about you and you alone. That connection is not diminished or erased by someone else’s opinion, someone else’s actions or someone else’s response. This applies for disagreement about character arc or idealised representation, and it applies to erasure and antagonism.

I know nothing about Hitler being ace, but so what if he is? Seriously, so what? There’s plenty of lesbian TERFs. There’s heaps of binary trans truscum causing harm to non-binary people. What of Milo Yiannopoulos? Does that mean all lesbians, all binary trans people and all gay men are irredeemable? Of course not! Being of a marginalised identity does not preclude one from being harmful, dangerous, cruel, malicious or damaging. There are aromantic people out there who are dangerous to me. That doesn’t make them less aromantic or less dangerous. It just means all kinds of people can be aromantic, including those I think morally reprehensible.

Anyone who declares all gay men dangerous because of Milo Yiannopoulosis a heterosexist bigot, and the same applies here. You cannot spend your life worrying that an awful person is gay/ace/aro/trans/autistic (etc) and what that means or if people will use that against you. If you do, you’ll never be able to breathe. The only person you’re harming with this worry is you, and you deserve better than that.

If other people use someone’s existence to dismiss your community, as has happened so many times in antagonistic conversations over the last couple of years, handle it like you handle anyone else hateful. Block them. Report vile hate speech to Tumblr. Move on to more constructive creations and conversations.

The majority of fictional and creative media is at least unthinkingly amatonormative, ableist and cissexist. I rarely get to pick up a book that respects me as a trans, autistic aro, and I have to acknowledge this risk of being hurt every time I start something new. This isn’t right or fair, but it is our reality. This movie is going to be no different on that regard, no different to the rest of the media that hurts us. The difference here is that I think this is a property you care about, one that you deeply connect to--and that’s perfectly right and normal! But that connection makes it harder to see that this is the same thing the a-spec community has been enduring for years and years. We’ve weathered everything that’s come before and we’ll weather this, too. You’ll weather this, just as you weathered every other instance of erasure and antagonism in a fictional work.

You can’t change what track the film takes or how people respond to it. You can’t control other people’s coding. You can’t control other people’s hatred, dismissal and erasure. Worrying does nothing to change the situation; it only causes you unneeded distress. Rowling has supported Depp’s casting despite wide condemnation, so what else can you do? You either see the film anyway, knowing the risks, or you don’t--and not seeing it is a valid and reasonable option, one absolutely worth considering.

Under the cut, I talk about therapy and self-care for handling anxiety:

Given your distress, I do feel it a requirement to say that I think you should look into psychology and therapy services for your anxiety. This ask goes a little beyond the scope of what I can reasonably and ethically offer in validation and support. As someone with severe anxiety myself, I swear to you that worrying about something like this, a situation you cannot change yourself, is a problem that is causing you unneeded distress and harm. I don’t know where you live or what your options are, but there are blogs that detail support options. I genuinely believe that you need professional support here and encourage you to consider this in whatever options available to you.

(If you are already in therapy or treatment, I take this post as an indication that your current approaches are not best supporting you and it may be worthwhile to discuss this with your care providers.)

I’ll finish by saying that you can handle the situation, if you feel that you cannot bear the finished film and conversations about it at all. Blacklist tags relating to content you don’t wish to see. Unfollow people who post content you don’t wish to see, especially if it’s most of their content or they don’t tag. Don’t go searching tags. Follow blogs you trust. Quietly block anyone who annoys you. You don’t need to engage in arguments on something you disagree with; you can block users and, if you really need to get something off your chest, make new posts about it on your own blog, in your own space. Turn off anon asks if you think you might be harassed for your opinions; restrict private messages to only blogs you follow.

I’d strongly advise not engaging in discourse and arguments with people who disagree with you. Block, make new posts on your blog if you must talk, reblog folks who are making points that resonate with you. You don’t have to convince the world of what you know or how wrong they are. You don’t have to engage in activism here. Just block and move on. Getting yourself caught up in arguments with people who aren’t disposed to hearing you will only cause more stress and harm to you. Some people can constantly engage in discourse without losing themselves in anger and aggression, but I’m not one of them, and I suspect you’re like me in this regard. Our activism is healthiest for us when directed into community building and validation, not fighting those who won’t listen.

Likewise, you can prepare for any self-care you need should the above fail. Have go-to media like books, films and music you need to distract yourself. Have a list of activities you enjoy that you know that calm you and work through them. If you have a friend or two you can trust to talk with you or distract you, contact them. If this is in your ability, go outside, go for a walk, go to the shops--away from your computer or phone. Watch a YouTube craft video and attempt to follow it. Play games. Write unrelated fanfiction. Keep a list of Calming Things You Can Do by your desk and on your phone, and work to develop a habit of reaching for that list when even slightly overwhelmed or stressed. Again, this is an area where a mental health professional will help you in identifying and using the interests and tools you already have to cope, particularly in working with your own interests and needs, so if you can’t put this into action on your own, this is another sign that you need a psychologist or therapist on Team You.

It’d be irresponsible of me not to suggest that you, and any other aro-spec who feels this way, seek professional support. That you’re turning towards me says you’re not currently getting what it is you need elsewhere, offline and off. That’s not a criticism on you: you deserve to be supported. It’s in no way a crime to want someone to help shore you up in the face of dismissal, erasure, antagonism and hate; it’s in no way a crime to want support from a fellow community member in the face of the antagonism we are so often dealt.

But right now, I do believe–again, as a person with severe anxiety myself–that you’re in need of professional support to cope with the things you’re finding difficult, much more support than I am ethically able to provide. I know first-hand that finding good mental health care is far from easy for many of us, but if anything is available to you, I hope you’ll consider seeking it out.

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amcnh · 6 years

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Moses Sumney

“Am I vital if my heart is idle? Am I doomed?” “If lovelessness is godlessness, will you cast me to the wayside?” “Cradle me so I can see if I’m doomed.” Moses Sumney, his song “Doomed,” and the album it’s off – Aromanticism - fuck me all the way up. I could say it better, maybe, but that’s just what’s happening. I listen to music pretty much all day, every day. Shit makes me cry and feel, but I rarely ever relate. I can recognize – “Oh, that’s a nice song about love!” and “Wow, they are really going through it in that breakup, huh?” Very infrequently, staggeringly rarely, do I hear something and think, “Ah, yeah, that’s me.” What Moses explores on this, his debut record, is me all damn over. It’s not neat or fun casual convo, but the interrogation of loneliness and solitude and incapacity for romantic love is something that is very #relatable to me. Heartless folk rarely get our songs, so, atop appreciating the record as the gorgeous, nuanced thing of music it is, I’m thankful for its objective.

To accompany the release of the album, Moses posted a note on his Tumblr. In it, he says something that could come from my diary if I kept one and was a more elegant writer: “Many of the origin stories about the inception of our species establish this blueprint for coexistence – that every body has an equal and opposite body, a destined companion without which we are incomplete. Our modern construct of romance still upholds this paradigm; romantic love is the paramount prize of existence. But what if I can’t access that prize?” He further writes, “This isn’t protest music, however, as much as it is process music. It’s the 2am sweat you wake up in, processing that lonesomeness might not just be a transitory hallway you’re passing through en route to inevitable partnership.” (Everything I read about him discussing the album makes me pause and sigh a little nervously) He jokingly/yet seriously suggests, “Alternative titles for Aromanticism could be: Narcissus; Don’t Touch Me; Please Touch Me; Sure, Let’s Touch Each Other but Please Leave Right After We Cum; Grey A; It’s Not You, It’s Me; It’s Not You – Actually, It’s Not Anyone; It’s Not Me, It’s My Childhood.”

Journalists love that he made this record. They – people, in general, really - get wild uncomfortable by the shit Moses is saying – both on the actual record and in discussing it. Me? I relish. I want to print out all his interviews and tape them across my walls to remind myself that, “Yeah, it’s cool.” A smattering of quotes from various conversations give deep, full detail to Aromanticism and make me scream in accordance, so here are some:

+ “When you tell people, ‘I don’t know if I’ll ever fall in love with anyone’, one of the first things they say is, ‘Oh you’ll find someone’, which is so patronizing.” “Why can’t I know that? And why can’t I challenge it critically? I needed to release a work in order to have it be a conversation.”

+ “One of the many manifestations of social oppression is the idea that you have to prove that you’re one of the good ones, in order for humanity to be extended to you and people that look like you. Whereas I don’t have to prove anything and it should be OK to be anything. It should be OK to fit into the stereotype and it should be OK to not fit into the stereotype.”

+ “I wanted to write music that acknowledged the complexity of desiring something that maybe you didn’t have or something you didn’t fully relate to, or just for recognizing you’re on the periphery of something but not in a way that implies you’re too cool for it or too good for it. I wanted to be really honest.”

+ “Societal norms around romance to me felt really constricting and very narrow, especially for a time that feels like it’s so obsessed with dismantling societal practices that are considered the right way to do anything. But I feel like the conversation around romance was still stiff. I wanted to observe that, obviously through my personal life, but I was thinking about it in a social way. And to just kind of write about something that no one else is really writing about. Obviously people have written about dark shit or sad feelings or whatever forever, but I wanted to contextualize it in a way that felt new.”

+ “Saying the words ‘the world needs more love’ — using those words as a political device to imply that love all round is going to produce equality — is ignorant and unrealistic. The problem with the world is not that people who are different don’t have enough ‘love’ for each other. The problem is that the people with power insist on using it, and maintaining it for themselves. Ultimately, when people say ‘we need more love,’ what they are telling oppressed people is that they need to love the person that’s killing them. And what do they have to gain from that? A clear conscience? Some promise that in the afterlife, after they’ve been murdered by the people taking resources from them, that they’ll go to heaven because they have warmth in their hearts? It [goes back to] what we were talking about earlier with “Quarrel” — someone can love you and still be oppressing you, still not listen to your voice. Emphasizing love is a waste of time. What we need to emphasize is the dissemination of power, and a deconstruction of hierarchical structures that keep people at the bottom, and keep others at the top.”

+ “I think that romance is very obviously a political tool, and a capitalist device. I’ve even thought recently, it’s quite good for the economy: the amount people spend on weddings and gifts. Also, [romance] just can’t be separated from a patriarchal structure — like the idea that in a homosexual couple, one person is the masculine, and the other is the feminine. Ultimately we keep going back to those two figures on the wedding cake as the archetype, even for alternative relationships.”

+ “When you’re conditioned to look at something as normal, the sadness that can come from not being able to obtain that is super taxing on your mental health… It’s really unhealthy, the idea that you need another half to make you whole, but also I don’t think it’s particularly healthy to totally self-isolate. There needs to be a balance, and I don’t think there is, currently.”

Aromanticism was a long time coming, and it’s wholly his. He hesitated working with labels because he wanted the control. His sound isn’t definable. It’s this AND that. The dismissal of genre enhances his message to tremendous effect. Lyrically, it’s all concise. He has a degree in poetry that aids in his writing. His voice floats and takes you everywhere. When he sings, “Can I tell you a secret?” on “Plastic,” you’re on the edge of whatever you’re on, shouting, “YES!”

The record is only thirty-four minutes long, but it feels both longer and somehow so fucking brief. To Stereogum, he said, “I just want people to know it’s OK to be alone. I’m not saying it’s easy or it’s too difficult, because it can be both. I’m saying it’s an option. It’s not a choice that has to last forever either. I just want people explore being alone if they feel it suits them. There is more to life than who you’re with.” I tend to stray from sentiment, but it means a lot. This shit’s a journey – we can all agree. Aromanticism is my companion.

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youleftme-clarke · 7 years

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Bellarke Fic Masterlist

|If you’re looking for things to read after Emergency Contacts, and something to ease your heart through the hiatus, check out some of my other fics. They’re sorted by rating and those with a * are some personal favorites. You can also find me on AO3 as wanheda_two_heda!

Évangéline | G | Archive warning: major character death | 3k | AU, historical, song fic, historical accuracy

*Title is French but fic is in English*

The year is 1755, and 17-year-old Clarke Griffin has just gotten married to her best friend when English troops march on the French-Canadian colony of Acadia, claiming everything in the name of the King of England. Clarke is separated from her husband of just a few hours and forced to flee her home with Raven and Luna. She travels all over America looking for the family that was taken from her, meeting up with Octavia in Louisiana, and never stopping her search for Bellamy.

I Was Gonna Eat That * | G | 738 | AU, banter, flirting, teasing, best friends

Clarke wakes up hung over thinking there's a burglar in her house. Turns out it's just Bellamy wanting to make her hang over food and ends up trying to make sure that Clarke doesn't give herself food poisoning. Fluffy banter and flirting ensues.

Arkadia Floral & Garden * | T | 23k | AU, friends to lovers, fluff, slow burn

Clarke has owned Arkadia Floral & Garden Supplies for 3 years when Bellamy Blake, her high school rival, comes back into town following his mother's death and needs Clarke's help to restore his mother's garden to its former glory. But gardening isn't Bellamy's strong suite, and neither is coping with losing another parent. He might need a lot more help than he's willing to admit, but luckily for him, his feisty blonde former rival is there to guide him through some of the most difficult months of his life.

I Had Hope * | T | 2.8k | AU, best friends, friends to lovers, hurt/comfort, cuddling

Bellamy's used to his best friend treating his apartment as her own. She lives there half the time anyway. But he's a little more than concerned when he finds her crying in his bed, blankets pulled up under her chin. He knows that she lets her work get to her sometimes, but he's never seen her like this, and maybe the trouble is that she had too much hope.

Problem, Princess? | T | 1.1k | AU, teasing, best friend’s brother

Anon on Tumblr asked: 78 for the bellarke prompt pretty pls 78. “i’m sorry. i shouldn’t have kissed you.”

What Did You Decide? | T | 2k | AU, wedding fic, pining!Clarke

janefosters on Tumblr asked: “i love you. i’m completely and utterly in love with you. please don’t get married.” Clarke to Bellamy Modern AU. He finally stopped waiting for her and moved on and she realizes it when he’s marrying someone else. :)

Now You’re Looking Pretty | T | 916 | AU. mutual pining, angsty fluff

Tumblr prompt : bellamy and clarke getting together but way later in life after they have failed marriages and realize all along they were probably meant to be together

Good Morning * | M | 1.6k | AU, morning kisses, fluff, cuddling, porn with feelings

With early morning light streaming through the window and Bellamy's arms wrapped around her when she wakes up, Clarke doesn't ever want to be anywhere else in the world. It truly is a good morning.

Basically super fluffy and tooth-rottingly sweet Bellarke mornings.

Dirty Showers * | E | 3.3k | AU, PWP, shameless smut, oral sex

Kink Meme prompt: Bellamy walking in on Clarke getting herself off in the shower and takes it upon himself to one up her.

Clarke's had a long day at work, and if the man she's been dreaming about for years happens to walk in while she's knuckle deep inside herself, who is she to complain?

#ILoveYou * | E | 4.5k | AU, PWP, shameless smut, car sex, porn with feelings

Clarke's unhappy in her marriage with the man responsible for her father's death, and Bellamy is worried that if he leaves his loveless marriage with his business tycoon wife, he'll never be able to stay afloat on his public school teacher's salary. Neither can find the motivation to fight to break free until a text is sent and three little words slip out. Bellamy suddenly realizes that he's more to Clarke than he ever thought he could be, and that maybe money doesn't matter when you've got someone next to you to love you.

Based on a kink meme prompt that said "Bellamy and Clarke are both cheating on their boyfriends/girlfriends with each other and end up falling in love so i love you sex" and I somehow turned it into 4K+ words of super sappy smut with feelings.

Also, fics coming up!:

Sea Mechanic modern AU that is tearing my soul apart at the seams

Memori S5 canon compliant SpaceKru fic

Bellarke Twister AU

Bellarke angst/hurt/comfort enemies to friends to lovers fic

Bellarke fluffy/smutty one-shot based on a text someone submitted as a prompt

A smutty Bellarke one-shot based on this post because I’m a human-shaped garbage dumpster and also I love @starboybellamy

A new modern AU Bellarke multi-chap fic with a twist because I enjoy torturing myself.

So see! The hiatus will fly by! Also, send me your prompts for one-shots! AND THE LAST CHAPTER OF ARKADIA FLORAL WILL BE POSTED THIS WEEK!

#bellarke #bellarke fanfiction #the 100 #the 100 fanfiction #youleftme Clarke writes #Bellamy Blake #clarke griffin #memori #memori fanfiction #john murphy #emori #sea mechanic fanfiction #sea mechanic #luna #raven reyes

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foxqueen-katarian · 5 years

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It’s kinda long so under a cut, also there’s a weird jump thing at the bottom so I’m not sure if I was like just typing into to tumblr and posted it or what, because like I said I don’t remember writing it.

I do not often want for things, and need for them even less. But he was to be my exception, the one I broke all of my very important and self imposed rules for. I cannot remember now when he began to wriggle his way under my skin and into a small dark part of my heart, but I do remember the first time I saw him. The moment I knew I had to have him, even if it was only for a brief time. It was in the dark corner of a run down little café, several side streets off the main way. He had an untouched coffee in one hand and an unopened book in the other. He smiled openly at his companions, there were three of them, but beyond that I can’t remember anything about them. He had caught my attention and I had no interest in anything but him.

He was beautiful. Darkish blonde hair hidden under a battered cabby hat, lightly tanned skin, bright green eyes. His lips were pouty, fuller then any mans lips have a right to be, and a pale pink-ish color. Even sitting he was tall but not too tall, with long lean legs, and a nicely muscled torso. To me, he was a Greek god, a living breathing Adonis or Apollo. I’ve been told I have the tendency to exaggerate, but for once I don’t think my words have done him justice. He was everything a young man ought to be.

As I have said before I very rarely want, or need for anything, but I wanted him. I will not go so far as to say I needed him; no that would indicate that I was lacking for something. And I cannot say I was lacking anything that he could bring me, companionship was never a problem, I am, was, young and attractive in a non-classical sort of way, and friendly enough. Sex, despite my age, I have little use or need for sex. And while sinking my teeth into his lovely neck would be most gratifying, I did not need to.

Perhaps it was in those first few moments of laying eyes on him that he found his way beneath my skin? But that would make me sound fickle, and vain, and any number of other adjectives that I find distasteful and untrue of myself. Did I only want him for his beauty? No, as cliché as it might sound beauty is only skin deep. He would be nice to look at, but, any number of people are nice to look at, and I wanted more from him then that. What, other then his beauty, I wanted him for, I’m not sure. But want him I did, and I was set on having him.

I was born Phelan, at that time there were no surnames, I was Phelan or Coalan’s son, and on occasion Anwyl’s grandson. I cannot say for any certainty if my mother’s name was Aithne or Donella or Ethne or Keriam, I know only that she was my father’s second wife and her short fifteen years of life were ended at my birth. I was the third boy, the fifth child, of a man who had little use for his children, yet produced them at an alarming rate, and even less use for his wives outside of bed. It was a loveless existence, but I knew no different, I had a roof over my head, food to eat most days, and that was better then most of our neighbors had so who was I to complain. Today such thoughts are foreign to most, how does one not love their children? I’ll tell you how, I was to serve a purpose, and nothing else, and if I could not serve that purpose I would have starved. I helped my father with our small farm, which was not actually ours but we worked it and were given a portion of what it produced, and in return we lived.

Look it’s not wonderful or amazing or anything but I worded and it’s not terrible and I’m proud of that. .... I just wish I could word this good when I wanted to.

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voliere-rpg-blog · 6 years

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Hummingbird

Under the cut you will find the example application by the admin for the closed role of Hummingbird. Please take this as a guideline, not as a rule.

Information about the Player

Name: Jey

Age: 23

Pronouns: They/Them

Timezone: GMT+1

Experience: I’ve been roleplaying for over 10 years now, and at least 5 on Tumblr. I enjoy the fact that it’s all on the same dash and putting a lot of thought and effort into your replies is seen as something beautiful, not annoying. I love long replies a lot, but I’m not a fan of the use of gifs, as I feel the roleplay community has started fixating on face claims a lot. It seems as though more and more people give up on building proper story arcs and sticking with groups. I understand that a slow dash can be disheartening, but I also think that the only way to combat that is when everyone pulls their weight. One reply a day should be in. I really don’t mind if people make typos, write in simple sentence-structures or are a bit insecure about cutting posts and all that, as long as they don’t give up on everything right away. My greatest roleplay experiences have been in dedicated groups, groups that wanted to write a story together and allowed themselves so immerse in this second reality, groups that became friends.

How you found this roleplay: I … made it … myself …

Personal quote: “I don’t even like birds…”

Questions: Hello, you, if you are reading this! I hope you have fun applying! I can’t wait reading from you! *-*

Information about the Role

The chosen bird: Hummingbird

Faceclaim: First Choice: Keinyan Lonsdale, with [this] kind of energy. I think he’s got those very bright, very colourful, very energetic vibes I need for Hummy. I originally know him from Dance Academy, where he played a more brooding type, and that too fits well, considering that Hummy can go from smiley happy go-lucky to dangerously manipulating in the blink of an eye. Second Choice: Ryan Jamaal because [look]. [at]. [him]. Precious!

Age: He turned 20 this June.

Pronouns: He/Him

Major: Biology (with a minor in Dance)

Second Character: Hmmm I really want to play Hummy, but if I really can’t have him, I think I’d very much like to go with Cuckoo or Parrot

Themes: Yellow, orange. Lies/Truths and also lies in contrast to story telling as a mean of painting yourself the way you want others to see you. Energy turning into low-energy and vice versa.

The Interview

“Who are you?” one of the girls asked into the darkness. [...] “How do you know we can trust you?”

The voice sounded amused. “You will just have to. And it does not matter who we are. Only who we want to be.”

One by one, the Invited were asked to step forward, a bodiless hand guiding them into the darkness and down into the Archives of the Silver Library, where the records of every student who ever attended Weston University could be found. There, the first interview ensued.

“Do not be intimidated, nothing can happen to you. Not yet. What is your name, my little bird?”

You: “Larson!” Bisi had waited such a long time to finally introduce himself to the Volière that his answer rolled off his tongue almost a little too eagerly. “My name’s Bisi J. Larson, Miss.”

“Are you aware that immense secrecy comes with affiliating yourself with the Volière? You could get in troubles if people knew you were trying to join us. Would you wish to be called by a nickname? Or is your first name fine?“

You: “I’m very aware, yes, but I don’t mind. I mean-,” He paused. “Of course I mind. I’m mindful of it.” A smile. Simple and small, yet genuine in all aspects. “But I understand why the rules are that way, and I respect the importance of … respecting them. I guess Bisi isn’t exactly a name people forget easily, but don’t worry. Most of them think it’s a nickname of some sort, anyway.” The wildest of attempts had been made to find out Bisi’s ‘real name’ in the past, none of them as funny as his responding laugh had made it sound like. But he had gotten used to it, eventually, and in a way it was better letting people make fun of him than letting them forget him. “So I’m fine being addressed like this, too.”

“Tell me about your family.”

You: Modern, clean, impersonal, perfect. So perfect. Way too perfect. Bisi let out a chuckle and shook his head. “Where do I start? There’s so much to say!” He had of course rehearsed his answer and knew exactly which details to speak to conceal, but he gave it a pensive hum anyway, giving himself a more relaxed, spontaneous way. “My fathers were both in Yale, Dada being one of the youngest Yale Daily News Editors in Chief ever, if I remember right.”

Of course he was remembering this right. He had listened to his fathers’ story over and over again. “They met on Dada’s first day there, you know. Paps was the President of the newspaper and not really a fan of Dada joining, considering that he was not only young but also a scholar. Paps doubted that Dada would be able to handle the amount of work required, while simultaneously keeping up with his classes. He even tried to sabotage him more than once, can you believe?” Bisi laughed, just like his fathers always did when they told the story. “But eventually he found himself charmed by Dada and even helped him with his campaign to become Editor in Chief. Isn’t that sweet?” They had lost sight of each other after his Paps had left Yale, meeting again only six years later at a random press conference, employed by rivalling newspapers now. Hitting it off immediately again, this time with more than just amicable feeling involved, they decided to move together, and because this required for at least one of them to quit their job to move across the country, they decided to both give up their jobs and start a whole new newspaper: The Larson Daily News. The internet had started becoming more popular then, and seeing its potential, they decided to make their newspaper an exclusive and mostly anonymous online-accessible portal for the high society of the East Coast. “They’ve been together ever since, building their business with great success. I’m so proud of them, you have no idea. I truly wish to be as lucky as them one day.”

What a perfect story.

If only it was true.

“I don’t know who my mother is, though. I was offered to meet her a few years back, but I never felt … brave enough to follow up. Perhaps after I graduate from college, so she can be proud of me when she meets me. My fathers stand in contact with her, though, and they say she’s doing fine and that she’s already proud of me. Sweet, isn’t it?” Certainly. But it was a lie. The only lie Bisi had ever allowed him to tell. Perhaps because without it, all the other truths would not exist. The truth to this one, big lie was: he had met her. Almost ten years ago now. Secretly. He had met her once and seen that the truth was hardly as perfect as the stories he was made to believe.

He never ever wanted to believe lies ever again.

“So what about your childhood? Tell me about it.”

You: “Sunshine, apple blossoms and cheerful dinners? Is that enough of a description?�� he asked, laughing good-heartedly before shaking his head. “No, that’s not true though. I mean, you probably know it for yourself, don’t you, Miss? With parents who work hard comes a lot of time spent alone. Mornings eating breakfast alone, afternoons playing outside all by yourself, nights reading books out loud with no one listening. Yada, yada.” He added a vague hand motion, but his smile remained. “It’s also not easy to be an only child to two gay men - who don’t even look like me - in the middle of Nowhere, Georgia.”

Life wasn’t perfect just because someone told you it was, after all, was it?

Bisi had watched his fathers leave for work for years, returning days later exhausted but with such dazzling stories to tell, and he had known that there had to be more out there than a couple of dusty houses and green wasteland, school mates with paper thin skin and the humor of dead fish. And one day he had found his mother’s address in his Paps’ office.

He wasn’t entirely sure what he had expected. Answers, surely, but the exciting kind. On his way there, the wildest ideas came to his mind. Was she an old college friend, a feminist artist, who had happily agreed to help them fulfill their child wish? Was she a young high society girl who had been forced to give away her child by her strict, conservative parents? Was she a scientist, hiding Bisi’s twin to learn about the differences between nature and nurture? Or was she maybe a crazy fortune teller who had read in her tea cup that she had to grant a child to the next gay couple that passed her shop?

Stories. Nothing but stories he told himself.

Reality was loveless. Sylvia Kempten was no one but a poverty-sunken woman with six children whom the CPS had told that any more children would have to be taken away from her. Refusing to do abort her next pregnancy, though, she asked around and found another way, and barely eleven months and a certain amount of monetary influence later, Jonathan Larson had adopted Bisi. “Not that I wasn’t loved, of course. They did their darn best to spend as much time with me as possible. Now that their business is going really well, they’re at home much more.” He leaned in. “I know I’m a teen and supposed to hate it, but to be honest, it’s nice having them around. They’re really great people, you know.” But they had lied. His mother wasn’t fine, and she wasn’t proud of him. She barely cared about him actually, hardly even heard from him, and she certainly didn’t receive any of the money Bisi’s Paps had promised her. She didn’t fit the perfect narrative, and so she had never been invited.

Liars. Not story-tellers. Liars. “I think that if I had a great childhood, it’s thanks to them. I was taught all I needed to know about life, and that’s what matters in the end.”

“I see.” The voice hummed. “Say, how much do you think all of this influenced you? How much of the events then made you the person you are now?”

You: “Doesn’t every second you live, every action you push yourself to do, every adventure you go and don’t go on influence you?”

He was still a child when he had decided to put an end to all lies. He wanted the perfect life his fathers described, but he wanted it to be true. And so he wrote his first bucket list. It read itself like a recipe to a cliché filled teenage movie, but that was exactly what Bisi wanted; people needed to look at his life and think that he was living it to its fullest and not be lied to. He’d work hard and fast and ceaselessly, would turn charming and sweet when the goal required it, would teach himself how to get everything and anything he wanted with honest ambition. He’d do everything to achieve this.

“I think it humbled me, you know. To … face challenges. And-, and I know that I’m still in the top ten percent of the most fortunate people out there. I don’t think that if my actual birth father had raised me, I would’ve actually made it as far as I’ve made it now. I-, But I also know that if it wasn’t for the bullying and our constant outsider-status, I might’ve grown up taking it all for granted. Instead I am here now, grateful and aware that everything I do in life must be done with my best efforts and no giving up ever.”

“Well, all of this is … interesting. Tell me about the dark things now. Your trauma, your saddest memories, your angriest actions? Has there ever been something you regretted doing? Something you wished you could erase from your record? Oh, and,” a chuckle, “is there something you regret not doing?”

You: That’s a lot of questions at once!” he laughed out, nothing about the way he took his time hinting to the fact that he was thinking about how to reply, trying to figure out how to keep his smile. “So one by one, yes? What did you start with? Dark things? Trauma? Sadness?”

Angriest actions. Everything Bisi had done since that day he had found out about his mother had been based on anger. Or perhaps not anger. But irritation. Like a stone in your shoe which either made you walk faster and kick and twist your foot - or which had you stop walking altogether. They had lied to him. They had lied to him for years, over and over again, making him feel safe and wanted and important, when really he was nothing but a random object to their narrative. A lego piece to make their lies seem more believable. In deciding that Bisi needed to create his own narrative, he had decided to keep walking.

What he had not been preparing himself for however, was what would happen if the irritation would turn against him in case of failure…

“I spent a lot of time in hospitals,” he said, simply. “But dancing helped with that. Davanta Academy isn’t an art school, but it focuses on helping their students to express themselves with art. And before you say anything! I know this sounds terribly like a hippie school, but trust me if I tell you that it’s so much easier to study for exams when you’ve got a proper outlet to let steam off.” Suicide attempts simply stopped fitting into his narrative, after all. “They’re actually quite smart there. I mean, look where it got me. The first to ever receive a scholarship for dance, am I not?” He did a little arabesque, smiling brightly at the end of it. “Really. I don’t think the dark parts matter much. Yes, my fathers were gone a lot, and yes I got bullied as a kid, but like, doesn’t that somewhat go for everyone? Don’t we all sometimes feel like our parents aren’t there enough for us, like we aren’t really appreciated by others?” Like you’re a failure and a lie, a failure and a lie, a failure and a lie. “What matters is how you deal with it, is it not?”

“Hm, this is going to be fun, I can sense it. I wonder, had you heard of The Volière before?”

You: This had Bisi pause. What would be fun? Had she sensed something? Or did she mean something else? Did she like his dancing? Was this something good? But then the next question came, and he forced himself to concentrate. “I had. Only in rumors, of course, but it left me very curious. I think it wouldn’t be a lie if I said that out of the three school that offered me a scholar ship, I might’ve partially chosen Whitebridge because of the Volière, even.” He stopped, very purposefully so but making it look as though taken aback by his own words. “Oh gosh, I hope this won’t make me look needy and clingy and like I’m trying too hard. I mean I am, but how can I keep up with that now? An apple for the Miss next time, perhaps.”

“What benefits do you think would you draw from being in such a secret society? I mean, we do not just live for the ‘food, fun and fuckery’, we do serve a purpose. With our connections, we can help you do things you only ever dreamt doing, and once you’ve done them, we can protect you so no one will ever know. Unless you want to be known, in which case, we can make you famous. Would you like that? We can make you rich. We can help you get any life you dream of, no doors are closed if you’ve made it into the Volière. Hm? Doesn’t that sound tempting?”

You: Bisi listened to those explanations carefully, his body still, his face calm, but his heart beating more and more rapidly with each word. Yes. Yes, this was exactly what he wanted. Opportunities and people who were as willing as he was to go far. As far as possible. Maybe even a little too far. They’d be more than just audience, more than just witnesses, they’d be characters in his story, contributing, helping, driving the plot forward. It was exactly what he wanted, and so much more. Failing, would be so much harder with the Volière.

“I think the question you want to ask is “Doesn’t it sound tempting to have me’?”

“Many people are willing to go very far to make it into our beautiful, golden, little cage, you know. Others are too afraid to even engage, they would’ve never come here in the first place. After all, now that we have seen your face, there is no way out. There is no quitting now, no going back, not until we decide that you hold no value to us after all. But you are here, so I suppose there must be a reason. Tell me, is this reason strong enough for you to play by our rules, no matter what?

You: Finally, Bisi’s smile fell. It was still there, somewhere, like the warmth of a hearth even after you turned the flame down, but his lips showed no signs of it anymore. “I-,” He averted his gaze, frowned, took a breath. Nodded. “It is. I know all this, I know the risks, I know the benefits, and I know that I’ve got what it takes.” A pause. “I’d tell you to trust me, but I guess you’ll make sure to see for yourself.”

“Are you scared?”

You: Slowly, Bisi’s smile returned. Truths rolled off tongues so much easier than lies, didn’t they? “I think I’ve never been any less scared.”

There was a long moment of silence after this. Then, finally, a gust of air, and the voice returns. “You will hear from us. And remember, from now on, no matter what you do, we will hear from you, too.”

#university rpg #lsrpg #college rpg #secret society rpg #example #hummingbird

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crazy-grrrl-on-the-computer · 7 years

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Hmmmm let's go with Boubei! (haha i still need to watch that eventually :p)

Aaaah,thank you, Jenna! This is the one I was waiting for. XD (Yes, you should watchBoueibu at some point and then tell me what you think of it! ;P)

How I entered/learnedabout the said game/show/movie/etc of that fandom:

Let me take you back to Valentine’s Day 2015. I was waiting for Starkid to upload their new Trail toOregon musical, and I was in the mood to watch something cute and fluffy totreat myself in the meantime. I had been considering trying to get back intoanime again, so naturally I went looking through some deviantart polls forValentine’s Day anime recommendations. Because why not? It was a perfectopportunity.

Then, Isaw it. Someone highly recommending a hilarious new show about “gay magical boys”and that intrigued me. I hadn’t heard of magical boys before, so I was like“okay, this HAS to be good” and I Googled it and discovered that 6episodes had already come out. Perfect!

I watchedthe first episode and I laughed harder than I had in a long time. I was soamazed by how clever and whimsical the parody was that I kept watching all theway through. And I immediately called my older brother afterwards to explain tohim exactly what I had just watched because I thought he would appreciate it asmuch as I did. We were both laughing so hard, it was great. Best Valentine’s Day up to that point (especially since I began watching Coffee Prince later that night after watching the Starkid musical and that was a whole other world of beautiful). XD

I toldmyself I wouldn’t get involved with the fandom. This was going to be my privatespecial thing that gave me joy every week when I so desperately neededsomething as pure as magical boys saving the world with the power of love,since I was lacking so much light in my life then. I caved exactly three dayslater and dived head on into the Tumblr tag. Boueibu has since taken over mylife. I had also told myself I wouldn’t write fic, but I wanted to give somethingback to the wonderful, loving, and accepting community that I had found, so… Iended up getting in over my head with that, too. ;;v;;

And I’vemade (and keep making) so many amazing friends because of this series, so Ihave a lot to be grateful for.

Fave character:

I loveevery character in the series! Main characters, the loveless, animal mascots, side/guest/backgroundcharacters, even characters that didn’t get any lines because they were onlythere to fill in space. I love each and every one of them! They are all mybabies~

But…thanks to the otome game, Io is special.

I mean, one of my favorite scenes inthe anime is the bathroom scene in S1E3 because, Io, oh my god why, but thegame is something else. All of the moments in the Io/Ryuu route where Io talkedabout dressing Ryuu up in costumes to make money off him just made me go“omfg, child, what even are you?!”, but it was the moment where theygo shopping with protag-chan that really sealed it for me.

Io and Ryuu pick outan article of clothing that they think protag-chan should buy (Ryuu chooses askirt and Io chooses a sweater) and protag-chan has the option of choosing apair of shorts for herself. And if she chooses the shorts, Io commentssomething along the lines of “But aren’t they a bit short?” and myreaction was just “CHILD PLEASE! THEY ARE SHORTS! THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BESHORT! THAT IS THE POINT! AND THEY AREN’T EVEN THAT SHORT ON HER EITHER. OH MYGOD YOU POOR PRECIOUS THING. THAT’S IT YOU’RE MINE NOW. I AM ADOPTINGYOU.”

And therest is history.

Least fave character:

I don’thave a least favorite. I love them all.

OTP(s):

This is adangerous question. I multi-ship the crapout of this series. The only thing I don’t ship is incest and alienxhumanships. ;;v;; But I have my main go-to ships that I’ll mention because otherwisethis post would never end if I listed EVERY. SINGLE. SHIP. *sobbing in acorner*

Io/Ryuu

Akoya/Arima

En/Atsushi

Kinshirou/Haruand Aki

Yumoto/Megawa

Goura/MissBara Beach

Kou/Masuya

Since Ireceived another Ask requesting Boueibu, I’ll mention some other important ships there~

Pairing that everyonelikes but I don’t get:

Theonly thing I don’t ship is incest and alienxhuman ships. So, like…Goura/Yumoto and Aki/Haru are not my thing, though I know there are quite a lotof people who like them (not “everyone”, of course, but enough peoplefor it to count for this question). I also remember seeing some Yumoto/Wombat,but I haven’t really seen any other aliens being shipped with humans so far.But yeah, that’s not my thing either, though I don’t know if it’s still somethingpeople ship?

Fave thing about thefandom:

I love how accepting, loving, and supportive the fandom wasduring season 1. It was like having a small family here and it was a beacon of light in a very dark time for me. Ever since season 2, I’vebeen a bit distant from the fandom for personal reasons, but it’s still reallycomforting to see that there are still so many people trying to make this fandoma welcoming place. ;;w;;

The most despisedthing:

I couldhave definitely done without the violence/aggressiveness, especially regardingthe twins, ever since season 2 started airing. I had to retreat from the fandomwhile that happened because I didn’t really like being called an “abuseapologist” and other downright uncalled-for things for liking the twins orfor simply liking what the season had to offer. Thankfully, that has died downquite a bit in the last few months, but I still occasionally see things that makeme feel a bit alienated. For my own health, I’ve just learned how to seek outthe good things and avoid/ignore the bad, though. Everyone is absolutely entitled to their opinion, but bullying people over a difference in opinions is something that should never happen and now I’m wary of certain subjects because of it. ^^’

If there is somethingI would change from said game/show/movie/etc., what would it be:

Oh god, Idon’t even want to answer this question, so I’ll keep it short.

The cuddlejokes in season 1 got out of hand real fast and started to make meuncomfortable about halfway through (even though I appreciated how it was used to subvert common shota tropes), so I was glad that they toned it down alot in season 2. Though, the dead sensei jokes increased to compensate, itseems. Please let Tawarayama-sensei live. He has a family. They miss him somuch. Think of the children. AND, HONESTLY, HE COULD BE SUCH A GREAT MENTOR TOTHE BOYS IN THIS SITUATION IF GIVEN THE CHANCE.

Otherwise,the writing in season 2 could have been a bit stronger. I think the staff didthe best they could with the time and resources they had and I appreciate itgreatly, but it could have been paced a bit differently to give each of thecharacters a proper focus. I won’t go into detail about that because I don’twant to spoil it anymore for you and, also, I really don’t want to talk about myopinions publicly. ;v;

Most of myconcerns/issues with the series will eventually be addressed in my series rewrite anyway… where I simultaneously proceed tomake few things better and everything worse. //bricked

Feelfree to send me more fandoms~

#Ask That Dork #boueibu

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fitnessqveen · 7 years

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Whelp I just had a full-blown emotional flashback that led to a panic attack and some realization. Feeling better now. I was, some time ago, dismissive towards my therapist’s recommendation (which was counter to my psychiatrist… yes I have both… a bowl of crazy soup and I ain’t getting any younger so I decided to jump in with both feet) …recommendation against starting antidepressants. She warned me that they could keep me from feeling the full weight of the pain I’ve carried with me since childhood, therefore blunting my ability to work through it. At the time, I was in a very deep hole and the symptoms of my depression were preventing me from crawling out of it. I just couldn’t make it to work on time and I was put on a 5-day probation at work - as a server in a restaurant, with an M.D. - but I was unable to do anything more cerebral or use any of the knowledge I’d gained from my degrees because I could barely even finish a simple thought. Going from literally performing compex surgical maneuvers and overseeing complicated patients’ ICU care and having what it takes to be a great doctor to barely holding on to a waitressing job, the first job I’d even had for 2 years other than super bs part time sit there with your thumb up your ass get paid under the table work, which itself was infrequent… that made me really lose hope. I thought, whelp if this is my life I really don’t want to be here for it. I guess offing myself would be a bigger burden to my family than having to support me or else I’d gone through with it. This was the second hard wave of suicidality I’d had to endure and I knew I needed medication to get through it this time and my week of forced vacation, I went and picked up a script and started it.

There are large chunks of time missing from my memory of about 3-4 years: starting from the time that memories from my childhood that came back to me due to circumstances outside of the scope of this post but that i’ve written about before. I know the memories are real, because they took place in a house I’d only seen as a very young child (4) and suddenly I could describe exactly how the house looked and how the furniture was arranged and where the windows were and I asked my mom if I was right and she confirmed that I was… that was a huge breakthrough she finally admitted that some of what I was saying MIGHT be true as opposed to me just going through a hard time personally and wanting to bring her down with me so I had “made it all up.” “it all” being things she wouldn’t even let me finish saying before completely losing it on me with aforementioned accusations… evidence in my “favor” I’d say.

At any rate, I did the right thing by going on antidepressants. I’m a tutor now and I’ve even worked up the cojones to START my application to be a professor at a nearby university teaching genetics. I have hope now and I’m not trying to milk bricks to find it. Hope and suicidal thoughts do this fun routine where the one disappears while the other, in its absence, steps in. But the thoughts are gone and they’ve mostly stayed that way. I can handle the random wave that passes like a wave in the sea but I cannot withstand the prolonged incessant storm.

But today…. I had skipped a couple days of antidepressants because I lost my health insurance and getting it back is going to be complicated. I don’t know how I’ll pay for them and I was in the mood to just sleep for a few days anyway so I figured I’d just skip taking them. Maybe that was depression talking, in retrospect. Yep it sounds like something she’d say.

My boyfriend has been extremely stressed and trying to find a place to move into and the stress has been keeping him from really having an active role in the process, which I understand completely, so I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to find a place for him. Finally I had a breakthrough and found the more or less perfect place for him, and its with a long-time friend of mine who I know he will get along with very well. I was so damn excited it put me in a glorious mood and I called him to tell him the great news but he had just woken up and instead of being happy about it, he was pretty blasse and I tried and tried to throw more reasons to get excited and he poked holes in them but told me that he just needed to wake up some more and that he just couldn’t feel excited about it.

I took it very personally. I felt hugely unappreciated. It triggered a very upsetting emotional flashback for me and I had half a mind to call my friend back and tell him to forget about it and find another roommate. I said some things to my boyfriend that weren’t fair and I thought even worse things. I came completely unraveled. I convinced myself that he didn’t care about me. I wanted to sabotage everything.

But I realized that the strength of my emotions were out of proportion to the situation by quite a bit, and that’s when I realized I was having an emotional flashback.

You see, I have repeatedly invited people into my life that - due to their own fucked up shit, no doubt - really only wanted to keep me close for the things I could do for them. Not out of flagrant masochism, just out of not knowing any better because how was I supposed to know how I should be treated when I wasn’t being treated that way at home? I had some really shit friends over the years who I’ve done a lot of really big favors for repeatedly. Favors aplenty, but never appreciated. Only accusations against my character if and when I wasn’t available to them. I can say that for the way my mother has treated me not all the time but enough of the time.

So the people who are truly my friends and who truly do care for me: god damnit I appreciate the ever living fuck out of them! I realized today that scarcity of being appreciated makes it so that if I consider someone to be in that very special circle of dear ones… and especially (!!!) as a romantic partner… a whiff of unappreciation perceived by me feels like a betrayal. I wonder if I’ve been duped again by some user. Thoughts rush into my head and make a seemingly solid case for having been duped once more. It makes me want to sabotage the entire relationship and it makes me feel like I must not matter to them at all.

*Cue panic attack.*

Thank GOD I know enough about my emotional… ways…yes, wiley ways at times… that I was able to see the forest from the trees in a pretty reasonable amount of time and explain what was happening and apologize for throwing daggers because really I was responding to another time and place and series of events. Actually, a whole host of them. Deep down at the very center of my heart, past all the layers of bullshit and layers of happiness and layers of suffering a few more happiness throw in the existential dread layers.... is something I've only truly seen and felt through therapy: overwhelmingly painful emptiness. I have to suppose that meeting this quite excruciating emotional pain is what keeps most people from seeking therapy. I welcome it because I know feeling it is therapeutic, and the only thing more horrifying than that, is the thought of having to endure this loveless mediocre and melancholic life forever. That is what really scares me, and I'll run from it in any direction I can, even if that direction is a panic attack while sitting down during a shower.

As for my boyfriend, I really upset my boyfriend pretty badly too. I don’t think I’ve ever heard him so upset before. I hate that that had to be a casualty of the war I’m fighting in my head, but he is understanding. And I, apologetic.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF TUMBLR, THIS IS WHAT A TRIGGER ACTUALLY IS. NOT LIKING WHAT SOMEONE SAYS DOES NOT IN ITSELF CONSTITUTE A DAMN TRIGGER #DIETTALK, UNLESS YOUR PARENTS ABUSED YOU BY STARVING YOU (making you eat healthier btw is not what I’m referring to here), IS NOT A TRIGGER DO NOT BASTARDIZE THIS WORD JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT TO FEEL LIKE YOUR SUFFERING IS AS LEGITIMATE AS ANYONE ELSE’S YOU’RE AN ASS FOR MAKING THIS INTO A SPORT OF THE SUFFERING OLYMPICS FOR EXAMPLE THE WAY I GET PISSED OFF ABOUT THE BASTARDIZATION OF THE WORD TRIGGER HERE ON THIS SITE IS NOT IN ITSELF TRIGGERING IT IS MADDENING THERE’S A WORLD OF A DIFFERENCE

Had to get that off my chest and provide a lil all caps public service announcement @ the end give it some spice

#personal #tw

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somecrazyrandomgirlsthoughts · 7 years

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What even am I doing?

I was talking to a friend and asked her what I should do to avoid excessive posting on Facebook to people with whom I do not want to share too much information, and she suggested an anonymous journal blog here on Tumblr. I realize that it’s 2017 and I’m the last one to this party, but whatever. Honestly, I will probably end up forgetting this exists just like I did with Twitter. Anyway. So I am going to do this journal thing and hopefully work some shit out because at this point, after the last year, I am bat caca crazy and that really isn’t me.

I suppose I should start where things started getting nuts. A couple years ago, my boyfriend of 8 years decided we needed to split up so he could date other people. I was broken for a good while, but started seeing other people, as well. Our breakup lasted a few months and we decided to give it another shot. There was a lot wrong with the relationship and it manifested in ugly ways, so the break was definitely necessary for us both to see the value in each other.

Fast forward to 6 months later and I’m getting ready to take my first real vacation out of the country with my family. I was beyond stoked to go but I was worried he would get lonely and cheat or dump me again. I told him my concerns and he assured me over and over that he would just be there missing me and I had no cause to worry. I went. Our calls during the week were few and far between - not for a lack of effort on my part. I could tell something was off. I get home and have the post-vacay blues and he hits me with the “I think we should break up” again. Again! I was livid, not even sad. Just beyond pissed because I totally saw it coming and he assured me it was not.

I spent a week being bummed and all that usual breakup feely bullshit and then I decided to dust off some contacts from the previous breakup, which went bad in the most spectacular fashion. I digress. So I decided to give Tinder another shot and started swiping away. I came across a profile of a guy who said he was looking for friends, he was married but it was empty. That old chestnut - only together for the kids, it’s a loveless, sexless marriage and it’s basically like roommates who are okay friends. Whatever. A few days later, I got a match from this dude and he wants to take me out for tacos. Damn it. My one weakness.

He was a perfect gentleman! He asked me out the right way! I still remember what he said - “I have to go out of town next week but when I get back, I’d love to take you out for tacos.” No “Netflix and chill” bullshit! He warned me up front about the marriage thing, let me know he was not looking for trouble or a relationship, just a friendship where there’s a connection he wasn’t getting anymore. If there had been one at all? I’m not sure on that one, but it doesn’t seem like it was ever a loving relationship. I figured, no harm in making a friend, at least it would be someone to talk to when I was lonely or sad over the breakup.

We ended up meeting for coffee first, then as I was leaving the parking lot, I got a text about a taco date and things went very well from there. As we got to know each other, it started turning into more than “just a friendship”. We kissed and after about 6 months of hanging out and learning more and more, things progressed to the next step. He even took me to meet his mom and it’s been really great. He treats me so well. I’ve never been treated this well by a guy and I happen to think he is being taken for granted at home. I love how he does the small things like open the car door (still, after a year) and picks up the tab and doesn’t really let me be uncomfortable very long before he’s trying to fix it.

But then there’s my brain. After dating every wrong guy ever, ever, I let myself believe they are all the same and they will all leave and they are all liars and cheats and terrible. There have been a few times where I have pushed him away and luckily, he has not let me succeed in that endeavor. I am wholly grateful for that because I do care so much for him. I know we will never be really together, but I like our quiet corner we have carved out just for us. I am even still entertaining the thought of eventually getting back with the long term guy. He’s been great lately, but I have to first make sure that he is going to stay great.

So basically, I’m going mental because I’m torn between a guy I am pretty sure is never going to be the grown up, faithful person that puts his all into a relationship or the older, unavailable dude that treats me like a princess but I can’t actually have in the forseeable future. Good stuff!

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