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inkskinned · 3 months

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you have to go to work so you can pay for your doctor, who is not taking your insurance right now, and if you say i can't afford the doctor's you are told - get a better job. it is very sad that you are unwell, yes, but maybe you should have thought about that before not having a better job.

(where is the better job? who is giving out these better jobs? you are sick, you are hurting - how the hell are you supposed to be well enough for this better job?)

but you go to the doctor because you had the nerve to be hurt or sick or whatever else. and they tell you that it is because you have anxiety. you try your best. you are a self-advocate. you've done the reading (which sometimes pisses them off worse, honestly). you say it is actually adding to my anxiety, it is effecting my quality of life. so they say that you are fat. they say that all young people have this happen to them, isn't it a medical marvel! they say that you should eat more vegetables. they say that you probably just need to lose a little more weight, and that you are faking it for attention.

(what attention could this doctor possibly give? what validation? that's their fucking job, isn't it?)

there is always a hypochondriac, right. someone always tells you about a hypochondriac. or someone who is unnecessarily aggressive during the worst days of their life. or someone looking "for a quick fix". or some idiot who wasn't educated about how to properly care for themselves who just abandons their treatment. and again, the hypochondriac, the overly-cautious hysteric. these people don't deserve to be treated like humans (right), and since you might be one of these people, you also don't get treated like a human. because those people can really fuck with the system, you now have to pay for it. and besides. you're actually probably faking it.

(more often than not, you find a 2:1 ratio of these stories. for every "hypochondriac", there are 2 people who knew something was wrong, and yet nobody could fucking find it. the story often ends with pointless suffering. the story often ends with and now it's too late, and it's going to kill me.)

you are actually just making excuses. someone else got that procedure or that diagnosis and he's fine, you should be fine too. someone else said they watched a documentary about other inspirational people with your exact same condition, maybe you should be inspirational, too. you're just too morbid. your pain and your experience is probably just not statistically concerning. it is all self-reported anyway, and you're just being a baby.

(once, while sitting down in the middle of making coffee, you had the sudden, horrible thought - i could kill myself to make the pain stop. you had to call your best friend after that. had to pet your dog. had to cry about it in the shower. you won't, but that moment - god, fuck. the pain just goes on and on.)

you know someone who went in for routine surgery and said i still feel everything. they told her to just relax. it took her kicking and screaming before they figured out she wasn't lying - the anesthetic drip hadn't been working. you know someone who went in for severe migraines who was told drink water and lose weight. you know someone who was actively bleeding out and throwing up in the ER and was told you're just having a bad period.

in the ER there are always these little posters saying things like "don't wait! get checked today!" and you think about how often you do wait. how often the days spool out. you once waited a full week before seeing the doctor for what you thought was a sprained wrist. it had actually been broken - they had to rebreak it to set it.

but you go into the doctor. the problem you're having is immediate. the person behind the counter frowns and says we're not taking your insurance. you will be paying for this out-of-pocket.

they send you home with tylenol and a little health packet about weight loss or anxiety or attention deficit. on the front it has your birthday and diagnosis. you think about crying, and the words swim. it might as well say go fuck yourself. it might as well say you're a fucking idiot. it might as well say light your money on fire and lie down in it. and the entire fucking time - the problem persists.

it's okay. it's okay, it's just another thing, you think. it's just another thing i have to learn to live with.

#spilled ink #warm up #can you tell what i'm mad about today specifically #i will say that there are a LOT of things that go into this. like a lot. this is ungendered and unspecific for a reason #it isn't just sexism. it's also racism. and ableism. and honestly classism.#and before a healthcare professional reads this as a personal attack: i understand ur burnt out #we are ALSO burnt out. your situation is also dire. this is not an attack on you.#this is a commentary on the incredible amounts of bigotry that lie at the heart of capitalism #where people have to pay money out of pocket to be told to fuck off.#your job is important. so is our humanity. and if you cannot accept that people are fucking mad as hell #at the industry - you are probably not listening .#anyway at some point im gonna write a piece about sexism specifically in medical shit #but i don't want terfs clowning in it bc they can't understand nuance #> it is true that ppl w/a uterus are more likely to experience medical malpractice & dismissal globally #> it is also true that trans people experience an equally fucked up and bad time in the medical field #> great news! the medical industrial complex is an equal opportunity life ruiner :)#(if you find it necessary to go into a debate about biology while discussing medical malpractice #i want to warn you that you're misunderstanding the issue. because guess what.#cis MEN might experience this. particularly black men. particularly disabled men.#so YES having a uterus can lead to more trouble for you. but this happens a LOT.#instead of fighting those ALSO experiencing your pain.... try working WITH them.#which btw. is like. actual feminism.)

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entomolog-t · 7 months

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Bite Me - Chapter 7

June and Aedes exchange choice words (too bad their choices suck)

This chapter deals with miscommunication and conflict regarding consent between the two, as well as themes of shame surrounding intimacy.

Taglist: @smallsday @ratcatcher0325 @not-a-space-alien @bittykimmy13 @naive-bias @soapysoap69

- - - -

Previous Chapter: Chapter 6

Next Chapter: Chapter 8

Word count: 1722

CW: Mentions of blood, Adult language, Dehumanization, Minor injuries, Whump, Panic (onset panic attack), Conflicting feelings of consent

What had once been unintelligible whispers, hushed words on muggy breaths, now suddenly were raw shouts. Pleading- though not to continue, but instead begging to stop. June freezes, feeling as if she's been broken out of a trance. To her horror she tastes blood on her tongue - The taste of power turning sour in her mouth. Her eyes immediately fall to his body, catching sight of the angry red markings that drag along his pale frame- raw and bruised. No… She’d been careful, hadn’t she? Her stomach drops, weighed down by the heavy realization of her actions.

It… it had just been teasing, right?

Her gaze flicks to his face and she falters. The once piercing stare had turned to wide eyes, brimming with tears. There's a desperation in his eyes, though nothing about it feels romantic. No, instead all she can see in his expression in terror. No, no, no- I went too far. I shouldn’t- Did I hurt him? She can barely keep pace with her mind, thoughts racing yet she herself feels frozen in place- Stunned as she stares at him.

Between her pinched fingertips, June feels his hands shake, fists clenching and unclenching involuntarily within her grasp. She swallows the lump that rises in her throat. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. A string of expletives fill her thoughts at the physical manifestation of his panic, He’s shaking. Oh God- he’s shaking so much... She releases her grip on his wrists, though even as she lets go of his arms, his near palpable panic does not subside. He scrambles to all fours, shakily resting on his haunches in her palm. Face white, he gasps for air as if he’s been choking, all the while his gaze refuses to meet hers.

June's throat tightens, She hadnt meant to- a ruthless voice in the back of her mind stops her, the truth in the words cutting as if it were a blade, Oh but you did. You wanted this. You wanted to scare him, didn't you?

She doesn't want to look at him- doesn't want to see what she's done, but her eyes are glued to him, watching the rapid heaving of his chest as if watching a car crash- the wreckage mesmerizing in the most horrific of ways.

June tries to keep her hands steady, but the sight of the terror on his face and quickly forming bruises on his skin make her stomach churn with regret. What had she just done?? Why would she scare him like that?

A chilling question snakes its way to the forefront of her mind,

Why did she like it?

Part of her feels as though a rug has been pulled out from underneath her. When had it stopped being playful? The thought of him looking into her eyes, his expression nothing short of lecherous as he told her to play with him… to indulge. The thrill and desire that had been coursing through her veins seemed to turn rancid, as if the sickening realization of her depravity was poisoning her. She felt dirty- as if part of her had been irreparably tainted- Stained not just by her actions, but the pleasure those actions had wrought.

As her mind raced, Aedes remained frozen in place, face wet with tears. Moments ago the tiny man had seemed larger than life, but the sight of him frantic and trembling in her hand was a painful call back to reality. He looked small. He looked terrified.

June swallows.

Now was not the time to dwell on her own remorse.

"H-hey, it's okay. It's over. I'm done. Shhh. Please don't cry." she coos, trying to keep her voice soft and steady. “I’m sorry. I didn’t-”

“Stop.” Despite his distressed appearance, there is an eerie steadiness to his voice. He sounds hollow. Though despite the firmness of his command, he does not look at her. Instead, he stays motionless on all fours, staring at the meat of her palm.

“Why…” The warm flirtatious lilt is gone. His voice cold and harsh, like ice to her ears, “WHY would you do this?”

“I..I’m sorry. I thought-”

“You thought!" He scoffs, "You thought WHAT exactly??” His gaze snaps up to hers, his eyes filled with rage, “You thought I would like that?? That I would enjoy-”

“Yes!” The words fall freely from her mouth before he mind even registers she's speaking “You said play with me! You said to indu-”

June watches in horror as his face goes red, the look of hatred etched into his features is unmistakable. He stands, his legs wobble on the uneven surface, but June doesn’t dare to help him.

“Do you think this is funny? This was just a fun game, right?” The anger and accusation in his voice cuts deep. Though his shirt now hides most of the damage, she can still see the bright red trail of those angry marks peaking out, and the quickly forming bruises along his chest.

“No, I…” June finds herself at a loss for words, her gaze flicking between his eyes and the raw scapes along his flesh.

Aedes eyes narrow.

“No?” He scoffs, “No what?”

“No, I don't think this is funny. I- I thought… “ June pauses, despite the gravity of the situation, the gap between her thoughts and her voice feels like a chasm. The right words elude her, dancing just beyond her reach, leaving June trapped in a silence built of her own inadequacy. She takes a breath, desperately trying to reign in her own emotions. Her words didn’t need to be perfect, but they needed to be true.

“You bit me!” His face is flushed and his teeth are bared. June's jaw clenched. She feels herself growing frustrated. She’d told him she was going to- he had played along! She could admit she went too far, or that she had been too rough- but was he just going to act like he hadn't been playing along?

“Aedes, I really did think you were enjoying it. The way you were speaking to me… it did feel like a game, but one that you were playing along with. I-I didn’t mean to scare-”

“Lets not forget you bit me first!” June feels the frustration rising in her voice,

“Well, my apologies for trying to survive.” Aedes voice nearly drips with sarcasm, the offense to her words clear as day, “I was starving. I needed food.”

Food.

June cringes at the word. The thought of being referred to as food had a wrongness to it. It felt… dehumanizing… violating. There was something deeply devaluing about the concept, as if her own sentience was being overlooked. She grits her teeth, trying to quell the unease rising up within her thoughts. The situation was so bizarre; He’s a vampire. He needs blood. Logically, she knows it's not like he could just casually ask to feed on someone, but to refer to her as food? It felt…. Stripping.

June sighs, reminding herself once again that this wasn’t about her. He’s so small. Of course all of this would be terrifying to him. I hurt him, I freaked him out. He has every right to be angry. Her attempts to try and see things from his perspective help calm her in a way, but they also seem to reinforce the reality of this situation. Up until now, everything had felt so fast paced. One moment she had been sleeping at the next, she was getting handsy with a pocket sized vampire who had broken into her room. The whole ordeal would be hilariously absurd if it wasn’t for the very real emotional reactions.

“Aedes please. I’m sorry. This… This is all very strange. You’re a strange little creature in my house-”

“Oh, this is strange for you, huh? A strange little creature in your house?” There's a mocking tone to his voice, an unmistakable sarcasm. June feels herself bristle at his words. The annoyance in his voice is clear, “Is that all I am? Some strange little creature? Some pest that intruded into your house? Some little bug?!" He practically spits out the last word, fear replaced by an accusatory anger wielded like a knife.

For fuck’s sake-

"An annoying little creature drinking my blood? Sounds like a mosquito to me…" The words tumble forth without a second thought, snarky and blunt.

The instant the words pass her lips she regrets having responded at all.

June watches as her insult seems to hit him physically - Aedes taking a small step back as if pushed by the weight of the words. A look of panic crosses his face, a mix of disbelief and horror, before being replaced with something much more potent; rage.

"You… You-” He sputters for a moment, his fingers flexing as if clawing at the air before tightening to fists at his side, his movements stiff and erratic- almost jagged. “ENOUGH!" his voice comes forth nearly as a roar, furious and raw.

He jabs an accusatory finger at her, “You’re fucking vile- a sick creature - nothing but worthless flesh to carry worthless blood!” Each word is hissed through gritted teeth, and bared fangs. June flinches- though at what she’s not quite sure; His yell, his teeth, his words. She feels tears sting at her eyes as regret for her own hastily spilled words rises in her chest. She had meant for them to sting, but not to cut- not like this. An apology starts to form on her tongue but withers away as she watches Aedes’ anger suddenly evaporate- a stunned expression slowly crossing his face, as if taken aback by his own words. A shaky hand rises to cover his mouth, almost like he was trying to physically swallow back his words.

With what little space he has on her palm, he takes another step back, his legs unsteady beneath him. June curls her fingers instinctively as he wobbles back- a tiny sob escaping his throat as his eyes settle on her own.

"Please." His voice is barely audible.

A lump rises in June’s throat at the sight of fear and panic returning to his features. His voice catches, and the once raw shouts quickly return to nearly unintelligible whispers.

"I-I'm sorry. I... I didn't- I didn't mean it... I didn't mean to... I... I'm sorry."

#First kiss went so bad they both ended up crying #Both of them just casually saying the most out of pocket shit #This first meeting is such an emotional rollercoaster #g/t #giant/tiny #g/t writing #entowrites #JuneOC #AedesOc #Bite Me #tiny man #tiny vampire

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