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ultraviolet-cello · 3 months

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Aw man. Today's the last day of @tristampparty and I am surprisingly sad about it. I'll be catching up the days I missed at some point, but I've chucked all that I've written, including today, into a google document and I apparently wrote 7.5k words over the course of episode 6 to today.

That's! A Lot!

I really wanna thank everyone who reblogged and gave me their additional thoughts/commentary, and special thanks to Revenantghost for organizing this whole thing! you do good work for this fandom i am giving u a gold star

With that, here we go into Episode 0 - High Noon at July. CWs for pregnancy discussion and a less detailed than last time but still present analysis of sexual assault and transphobia, marked with a [CW] Ofc, spoilers for Trimax and Tristamp

Cowboy kid Knives is something u can pry from my cold dead hands but it's also,,, I don't watch a lot of westerns, but the way Knives describes it seems like he likes the high action and justice. Which yea. yeah.

A lot of ppl interpret Vash then saying that he doesn't like that sorta stuff as him having always had pacifistic tendencies but I don't really read it that way? I just see him being rather similar to Trimax Vash - chill kid with his own interests and hobbies and Knives being the very oversensitive kid so outshines him initially.

Regardless of version of Trigun (except 98. 98 didn't know shit about knives lmao), Vash and Knives have always started off wanting to coexist and be peaceful; it's just how they reacted to it later that differs. In this case, Knives wants to stand up for his friends and make a peaceful world through that, and Vash is more passive in that he just wants to have faith in humanity.

Not to mention they are kids. Young, idealistic kids. This is pre-Tesla, they don't know the extent of how horrible the world is. The loss of innocence and subsequent breakdowns relating to The Horrors is yet to come.

[CW] Mmmmm they really don't make the pregnancy imagery subtle now do they dfgkjdfjk

I also think there's like - merit in also interpreting Knives as trans. Not Just because i think he's also very trans coded (A lot of his breakdowns and story arcs have reflections in how some trans men overcompensate masculinity in a Bad Way. That's a very small subsection of trans guys btw but I am speaking from experience. I got better tho). Anyway it makes the fact that Knives is disregarding Vash's bodily autonomy very much Worse if you take the male plants are trans analogy into it.

He's so far gone that he's willing to do to Vash what would be the worst thing to be done to him; Violating his body to rebuild and make him a perfect independent ("remind him of biological reality"), physically overpowering him ("taking the aggressor, commonly masculine role in sexual assault") to do what he wants. Disregarding the wants and needs of the Plants ("women +fem-presenting ppl that he originally set out to protect because he knew their experience and wanted to help and still has that trauma from witnessing that trauma")

Ofc that's just a reading of the scene, but I quite like it as a trans guy because that makes a really good villain with trans themes/motifs! I hate him so much (affectionate)

No, no she doesn't. Meryl is making a choice and she's gonna damn well stick to it! She's been given agency and she's gonna spend it in the most eldritch horrific scene that someone on that planet could spend it lmao. Well, no Knives takes most eldritch and horrific. Meryl's second tho

Okay this fucking scene drives me INSANE. This is a memory, clearly, but it's one that's being tampered with. Vash asks Knives if they can get along with humans, and then Knives immediately messes with the memory to make sure that he says that he'll protect Vash no matter what. But that is very clearly not what was originally said, so... What did he say? What was present day Knives so desperate to cut off?

I've talked about the narrative being biased against Knives a lot, but something I haven't talked about is that Knives kinda tries to contribute to that narrative a lot. He wants to seem like he never cared about humans, he wants to seem like he always planned this and was going for justice ever since he was a kid. He tells Vash the Tesla incident was just a small grain of sand, he uses Luida to tell everyone he wants to kill Rem, he's unbearably cruel to Vash to make his point. The only difference is that he wants to be right.

So he doesn't let us see what the kid version of him says, because that would contradict the narrative he's built for himself.

I really wanna give props to Studio Orange here for both the design and way they modelled the wing here, that's a really difficult task when the guy you're putting a wing on has a tight as hell bodysuit. But the anatomy holds up surprisingly well!

Also many people have pointed out that the plant mech looks a lot like Rem, and Knives staring into the face of a Plantish representation of his mother that is created and controlled subconsciously by his brother and saying he was rejected is. It sure is a scene!

ONCE AGAIN. INCREDIBLE EFFECTS. I also would like to once again point out the angelic motifs of Knives' design here.

Also Vash saying this is SO important because Meryl!!! is so important!!! I see a lot of people brush Meryl's space in the story off and it Enrages me because Meryl is one of the most important people to Vash. Aside from our frontline yaoi soldier Nicholas D. Wolfwood, Meryl has one of the most tangible impacts on Vash's character.

When Vash is in his breakdown in Trimax, Meryl is the one to kneel at his side and believe in him; When Vash is having his god awful horrible mindscape time in Tristamp, Meryl does the same. When Meryl is kidnapped in Trimax, Vash instantly jumps out of a window in the chance of getting her back. Vash trusted her enough to fire the ion cannon in the sand steamer episode. He immediately went to July the moment she and Roberto were kidnapped.

Meryl has so much faith in Vash and she's insane for that, but Vash recognizes her and that faith pays off in giving him the strength to carry on. He heard her voice, too :]

Also oh to be floating slowly down to the floor while you're a meter away from a cube with the power of an atom bomb while someone named Millions Knives is summoning millions of knives in front of u. Meryl has guts, man.

And now that Vash has gotten his gun back, he's back to using it as a tonfa! (check I think my analysis of episode 7 for more on that). Watching for the swing blocks, the forearm guard, and thwacking the knife tendrils out of the way

This fight scene has soooo much love and care and detail in it I love it so much actually. From seeing Vash's bullets to all the expressions and beautifully detailed firing, there's so much detail in a quick space that you really have to slow it down to see everything.

Seriously how strong is Knives to be able to have a feasible chance again Vash's prosthetic - and Vash matches him! Also the chomp

Now something that I have the shakiest of theories on is that after summoning The Cube, Vash starts moving in a far more controlled manner, he stands still when reloading, he has his movement flurries and then stands still to aim. Which uh. Studio Orange works in 3d, but those are 2d animation techniques. He's moving like 98 Vash.

There's a lot I admire about Studio Orange's use of 3d (I am a mid-tier 2d artist lmao) but I love love love that they're able to get all these really nice, creative camera shots that would be impractical in 2d (all those overhead shots, for example, have a chance of turning about bad/looking weird in 2d, and puts more strain on animators, but 3d you have the models from every angle already. 3d isn't easier by any means, but it does have its strengths)

Also. how Did Wolfwood get over here, dare I ask. mans climbed a tower in just a few minutes what is Wrong with him

Also a nice detail, Vash usually has perfect trigger discipline, but he falters here against Knives, probably because he's been already shooting, but hey, he's stressed. I'll give him a break.

I also appreciate exactly how superhuman Wolfwood is now. Tristamp Wolfwood is on a different level. Like 98 Wolfwood is just some (attractive) guy, Trimax Wolfwood has a lot of gory body horror going on and a subtle kind of endurance/strength, but Tristamp Wolfwood just jumped off a very tall building holding a grown woman and the Punisher and was fine.

Oh hey, same symbol on the tower as was on the sandsteamer and on Vash's wanted poster - symbol of July, probably

Very horribly, Knives probably did just save Vash's life here. But also the rest of July's life (though ofc he just extended the timer)....

I'm not quite sure When Vash started using plant bullets, but he's definitely using them now. Also the nails on his prosthetic are a nice touch!

THE FLYING SAUCER STRIKES AGAIN. I wonder if that's gonna be the basis of the Ark, if that's the route season 2 goes.

I also. Was that allI the Plants collected that escaped in this, or were there a bunch still running in July that get obliterated too? Did Knives inadvertently cause the death of more plants? I mean, when Knives gets revived in Trimax he definitely causes the death of at least 2 plants (there are a couple of bulbs in the background of the blast radius, plus the one that was used to revive him... she uh. Didn't look like she was doing so hot)

Vash's little speech is always so,,, intense. He has such a strong sense of character and it's admirable how well he sticks to his morals despite it all.

On a more body horror note, Knives can survive a long fucking time trying to grab The Cube. In Trimax he gets hit with the angel arm and practically disemboweled instantly, but Tristamp Knives can take over a minute of just like. being right in the direct path of fire. They're really gonna have to work to reconstruct him. Good luck, Legato!

UFO SPOTTED !!! LEAVING JULY AS IT IS DESTROYED !! NOT CLICKBAIT !!!

^ I made that long ago and needed to use it somewhere dfgkjdfg

[RAUCOUS CHEERING]

And ofc I have to bring up Eriks :] I don't actually have too much to say abt him. Studio Orange strip this man and make him bark like a dog next season or we will riot

CHRONICA MENTION!!!!! YAYYYYYY

And that's kinda. It.

Man I have had such fun over the last 12 days, I've really discovered a love for analyzing and theories and putting that out there and chatting with people about Trigun :] I should do this more often lmao but I do want to get back to drawing. I'll find a balance, then!

Thank you all for coming, and Wow if you made it this far I must be doing something right lmao.

#cli speaks #trigun #trigun stampede #tristampparty #cli analysis

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percheduphere · 5 months

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How do you think Mobius will live his life in the timeline? Many theorize that something happens to Don and Mobius takes his identity so his sons live with a father. I prefer that Mobius reflects on his old life, realizes he can’t live it, and creates his own life.

Oh, boy, Anon. I have a lot of fanfic ideas for this, but let's get into the meta-analysis side of this before we get into the rabbit hole that is my washer-dryer machine of an imagination.

Mobius is not doing well. He is going through the stages of grief. I've written an extensive meta here regarding the darker aspects of his character and how he's at risk by the end of the series. I also wrote a brief meta here regarding how his grief might manifest.

With this in mind, I actively HATE the idea of Mobius spiraling to the point he becomes "corrupted". I don't what Michael Waldron did to Wanda. I guess you could make the argument that it would be interesting to see a man emotionally unravel in such a way, but I hold Mobius's unshakable kindness dear in my heart. I don't ever want him to lose it because it is essentially his superpower.

[Sidebar: comics canon House of M notwithstanding; Marvel and DC comics canon are consistently horrible in their characterization of exceptionally powerful women: Wanda Maximoff Jean Grey/Phoenix; Carol Danvers/then Ms. Marvel; Rogue; on and on; I'll throw Sylvie in here, too, because why not, it's true.]

I see Mobius mourning Loki for two years. Two years because, statistically, that is how long it takes for most people who've lost an intimate loved one to get out of clinical depression. During this period, I see him losing weight, wandering aimlessly between timelines, trying and failing to copy Don's life by taking a job that involves jet skis or aquatics more generally. B-15 would make a point to check-in on him and know he's not doing well, but Mobius, because he does not want anyone to worry about him, because he is used to being the person who keeps people together, insists he's fine.

MY FANFIC IDEA

I see Mobius eventually recognizing he needs a therapist, which he will find ironic and deeply troubling, but he's not about to give up on trying to live for Loki's sake.

And in his conversations with his therapist and B-15, Mobius will come to realize that he can still use his key strengths outside of the TVA: analyzing people, deconstructing what makes them tick, using that knowledge to help the other person, similar to a therapist but more active in support. Mobius is very well-suited to become a social worker of troubled and at-risk youth. I think he should pursue this and ...

Mobius will choose a branched timeline in the late 90s/early 2000s. There, he will meet a war-orphaned, thirteen year-old Wanda Maximoff, who is friendless and struggling to understand the nature of her powers (magic). Mobius is drawn to her right away. It takes time, but he eventually gains Wanda's trust.

Red. Red is Wanda's color. It's in her hair, her cheeks, her magic. Now that red reaches Wanda's eyes, filled with tears her anger stoppers. "You saw what I can do. What I did. The other kids call me a 'witch' 'cause that's what I am. A witch. A monster."

Mobius sits next to the young girl on the stoop. The sun winks at them through the green tree boughs, and he wonders, for a moment, what Loki might think of him now, finding solace in a child who needs solace.

"That's not true. You're not a monster, but I tell you what: witches are pretty cool." Mobius grins, knocking his knee against hers. The fabric of his slacks shakes, still too loose. "Y'know, my best friend has magic just like yours, except it's green instead of red."

Wanda peers at him, hopeful and dubious. "Really?"

"Yup. He had a tough time, too, being different." He leans closer to her, sharing a secret. "But things got better. You should've seen him. He was--is-- magnificent. You're magnificent."

Her lips purse into an embarrassed smile. She drops her head, thoughtful, and tucks her hands beneath the fold of her knees. "Where is he now? Do you still see him?"

The question is innocent, as all things are with a soul of thirteen. She doesn't mean to hurt him. Mobius knows this. So he takes the thorn of her words and presses it against his ribcage. His throat works. The ache comes and goes but never fully abates.

"Well," Mobius sighs. "He had to move on. Life is like that sometimes. People come and go. Things happen and ... there's not much you can do except hope they're okay. That they're happy and safe."

He can't look up. Not at the tree or the sun. He worries if he does, he'll start to cry, and that won't do when this girl who reminds him so much of his wily god has finally cracked a smile.

"C'mon," he says, rising to his feet. "Let's get you something to eat."

"McDonald's?" Wanda brightens.

Another thorn. He takes that one too and thinks of pretty roses.

"Whatever you want, kiddo."

#anon asks #asks #loki #mobius #lokius #loki series #loki season 2 #loki headcanons #my headcanons #my fanfic ideas #loki meta #my meta #lokius fanfic #wanda maximoff #scarlett witch #my writing

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junk-thrillz · 5 months

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The more I think about it the weirder it gets; 'it' being the fact that I've literally been characterizing Cody 99% close-to-correctly this entire goddamn time.

Like, okay. I take characterization seriously. I love character analysis, and before I write literally anything about any Paranatural character I like to take my time to work through their character and just. Turn them around in my head. I even do it for characters like Violet, who I know like the back of my own hand. But despite this I am not immune to Fanon Brain, and it's just a fact that the more time you spend with a character in your own head and not in the original media they come from, the more out-of-character your interpretation of them is going to get. I haven't missed a single Paranatural Friday since I first got into the comic but I also don't reread the comic in full every week of my life, yknow? So yeah, it's cool, it's fine. Maybe my interpretation is a bit off, I thought, maybe it's a bit inaccurate for the sake of my insane wacky au's, or whatever, but THEN

But then these past three updates have basically grabbed me by the shoulders and??? Told me 'Oh yeah lmao you know how you've been doing Cody's character for LITERAL YEARS for the sake of veeerry dramatic fanfiction? Yeah LMFAO that's all canon you were right all along' LIKE HOWWWW AM I SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH THIS?? Every single little exaggeration of his traits turned out to just be. Completely accurate. He's dramatic with a penchant for theatrics and wears cute outfits (when in the comfort of his own home) and he's very outwardly blasé about his own horrible circumstances and his mask is so fake that even in a comic where literally everyone is a fictional character his character ESPECIALLY doesn't feel real and he moves like some sort of anime girl in a visual novel, and THE BODY HORROR????? I GOT THE BODY HORROR RIGHT TOO??? Like okay I didn't predict the heart scar but body horror Cody is a staple of so many things I've written for this godforsaken comic and I FEEL SO VINDICATED. I don't know how to deal with the fact that I accidentally out-of-character stumbled my way into the right characterization. 2020 junk-thrillz would be rolling around in zir grave by now if ze knew what would happen in the future. I think I need to go lie down

#paranatural #pnat #cody paranatural #junktalks #i use that tag so inconsistently but this is rambly enough to the point where i feel like it deserves it #obviously i didnt predict everything and of course a lot of my characterization has been the exageration of canon traits we've seen from hi #in like chapter 5 or whatever #but it's still just a bit too on-the-nose for me to not be a bit insane about it

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lily-blue · 7 months

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13 reasons why | reason no.11: the baristas can speak numerous languages

☆ characters: barista!junhui & foreigner!you (Zhixiao - ‘98 liner) ☆ genre: coffee shop au, humour, angst ☆ summary: you like that Junhui always speaks his mind around you when he thinks you don’t understand the words he’s saying because those times he makes it obvious that your feelings are reciprocated; however, what starts out as an innocent lie - a harmless albeit intentional omission of truth - almost ruins your chance for a happy ending ☆ words: 8,7k ☆ taglist: @dat-town,@soobin-chois

➼ chapter index

Even though you liked your personal space and had no problem having fun on your own, you were a great friend. An amazing, attentive friend, really. Someone who might have called her loved ones out on their ridiculous behaviour, but supported them nonetheless, because at the end of the day, you were a firm believer that even a seemingly horrible idea could have put people on the right path - on the path that led them exactly where they were supposed to be.

Thus, for those who knew you, it came as no surprise that you had willingly relocated your study sessions with your best friend from the uni library to a downtown coffee shop just because her new boyfriend worked there as a manager. With how extremely busy Yuri could get due to her teacher assistant and substitute high school literature teacher duties and her two majors out of which one required a well-written thesis paper by the end of the year, you understood her need to at least see Wonwoo while you were working on your assignments and quizzing each other for upcoming tests. Especially because they weren’t one of those cringe couples who couldn’t keep the PDA at the bare minimum around their single friends. In fact! If you had had time to give it a serious thought, you would have realised that you had never seen them sharing anything more than the chastest, softest, shortest kisses when you were around.

They were definitely more subtle with their stolen glances, too, than you, who were openly ogling at Junhui whenever his shifts aligned with your weekly study sessions. It was both surprising and unsurprising that he hadn’t noticed your interest in him yet, but you supposed that his obliviousness was somewhat charming, and you were also too busy for a serious relationship. As much as you hated Yuri’s asshole ex-boyfriend for dumping her in public, you knew you wouldn’t have been able to settle for those baby steps they were taking with Wonwoo. Hence, at the start of your university career, you had promised yourself that you wouldn’t have committed until after graduation, and you were adamant to keep yourself to your word.

Still, as you were witnessing another female customer chuckling by the counter at something that the Chinese barista told her, you couldn’t have helped but wish that he would have been still single when the right time finally came. Otherwise, he would be your one that had gotten away.

‘Have you finished your research analysis? Mine is getting way too long,’ Yuri’s question pulled you out of your head, forcing you to tear your gaze away from the customer who took way too long in the line, making the people behind her visibly fidgety.

‘My analysis?’ You asked, holding onto those pieces of information your brain had actually managed to register, although you didn’t stress over whether your best friend had caught you red-handed or was unaware of your growing dislike towards the giggly girl.

With furrowed eyebrows, Yuri nodded.

‘I still have two entire aspects to explain in detail, but I’m almost there. They shouldn’t take up more than three, three and a half pages,’ you said, quickly checking your notes and the progress you had made in the last two hours. Admittedly, you had always had a problem with word and page count requirements despite your major - you were a zealous journalist-to-be in the making -, but somehow working on your thesis paper came easily. Maybe, because for the first time since you had become a student, your options were plenty: you had been allowed to choose your own topic, your own consultant, your own research methods. Unlike many, you loved every second of the journey.

‘But are you within the required number of pages? I think I need to get back to a few points and delete a few sentences,’ the girl frowned, tapping on her keyboard and clicking with her mouse vehemently. ‘Or entire paragraphs.’

Well that… that made you jut out your bottom lip a little. You made grabby hands at her over the table that you shared under the coffee bean sticker.

‘Come on! Give me that laptop. I’m sure it’s not half as bad as you make it to be,’ you reassured her and took the device from her when she lifted it over your empty plates.

First, with an easy keyboard combination, you checked how close she was to the maximum number of pages, then skimmed through the paragraphs, paying more attention to those that looked massive at first glance. Fortunately, she didn’t have many of them. You managed to get rid of almost an entire page of word vomit in half an hour without damaging the core value of the paper.

Unruly locks falling into your face, you were chewing on your cheeks from the inside when a soft thud made you look up from the screen.

‘I’m sorry,’ Junhui said before he quickly repeated his apology in Chinese, so that you could understand as he was still under the impression that you didn’t speak the local language. In his defence, you had never bothered correcting his assumption, but that was because some things were simply too entertaining to purposely put an end to them. ‘Your cup was empty for a while now and you work so hard,’ he rambled before he pointed at the freshly made mocha next to your notes that you had never ordered.

His thoughtfulness made you feel warm.

‘Thank you, I haven’t even noticed it honestly. It’s really nice of you,’ you offered a smile that turned into an amused chuckle when not even ten seconds later, Wonwoo walked up to your table with a glass of iced coffee on a metal tray. You wondered who had stolen the idea from whom.

‘I…’ Junhui started, unconsciously giving in to his nervous habit when he cracked his knuckles one by one methodically. You wished you could have put your hand on his to stop him from further damaging his joints.

‘Would you like some pastries, too, girls? A sandwich?’ Surprisingly, it was the always quiet Wonwoo who broke the silence, his question attentive albeit business-like. He sounded more like the manager of the place than your best friend’s boyfriend, although it was true that the former would have taken your money for the snacks, while one look at the boy’s rose-tinted cheeks and shy smile was enough for you to know he meant them as freebies.

Your eyes met Yuri’s and you wiggled your eyebrows a few times before your gaze slid to the Chinese barista, then to her boyfriend. You prodded your best friend in the shin with your foot to make sure she understood your silent request.

‘Do you still have one of your chicken-avocado sandwiches, Wonwoo-yah? She’d really love to try it,’ she assisted you, so that you could live with the opportunity even though you could have afforded your own food. It was nice to get special treatment every once in a while even if you knew it was all thanks to Yuri who - unlike you - politely declined the offer. ‘I’m still full from those donut balls with lemon custard, but thank you. Tell Mingyu, they were delicious. I really enjoyed them.’ She smiled at the boy, then helped him collect your empty plates while you were busy observing the small changes in Junhui’s facial expressions.

The barista seemed more lost than flustered by the time Wonwoo left and your best friend took her laptop back from you.

‘Can I help you with something?’ You inquired with your chin resting on the back of your hand, completely disregarding Wonwoo’s confused look when you addressed his friend in his native language instead of Korean.

You wondered whether you had noticed his reaction because he was standing in your line of sight or his emotions were oozing out of him for everyone to see. However, Junhui made no sign of acknowledging Wonwoo’s bewilderment, hence you guessed it was all in your head. That, or the boy was the most oblivious person you had ever had the pleasure or misfortune to encounter. One day, you would definitely need to sit down with him and talk to him about his total lack of situational awareness and its dangers in today’s society.

‘With something?’ He asked, scratching his nape and you suck in your lower lip to keep your urge to laugh aloud at bay. You didn’t intend to embarrass him more than how awkward he must have already felt. ‘No. No, thank you. I… I think I should, yeah. Go back, you know?’ He rambled and you nodded along his every word, endeared.

‘Yeah, it’s a busy afternoon, isn’t it? I’m sure Yeseo would appreciate the help at the counter,’ you agreed without checking how many people were standing in the line to get their order from the girl. It didn’t matter. Agreeing with Junhui and soothing his nerves at the same time didn’t hurt anyone even if you had already seen afternoons much busier with only one barista standing behind the coffee machine.

‘Good luck with your assignment,’ he lifted his fists for a “hwaiting” before he slowly turned his back to you and rushed back to work.

‘You should tell him you speak Korean. You clearly make him nervous,’ your best friend said with a disapproving shake of her head that you ignored on purpose. It wasn’t like you were straight out lying into the boy’s face or hurting him intentionally. Not to mention that it hadn’t been you who had addressed him in Chinese first. It was all on him that he had never asked you whether you were speaking the local language to any extent in which case you would have come clean right away.

‘You think he’s nervous to speak in his native language?’ You raised a brow in amusement, her boyfriend’s temporary absence not registering in your mind until Wonwoo came back to your table with a chicken-avocado sandwich on a porcelain plate.

You thanked him for the food with a small bob of your head and a bright smile.

‘He’ll feel stupid when he realises,’ Yuri frowned, her argument quiet, but impactful. It made you frown, too, so you bit into your sandwich and used it as an excuse to prolong the silence. You knew that your best friend was only trying to look out for you and Wonwoo’s friend, and you were also aware that she hated confrontations. These were your main reasons for not letting your hurt get the best of you and saying something you might have instantly regretted in the next second.

‘How are the kids in your class? Any crazy stories these days?’ You asked between two bites, diverting the topic as soon as you swallowed down the first one. Considering how tired your friend’s sigh sounded, you supposed she wasn’t too happy about your choice, but she played along nevertheless for which you were grateful.

You would talk about Junhui another day.

Rationally speaking, you were well aware that pulling two all-nighters in a row because of your upcoming exams, piled-up assignments and the last-minute editing of your thesis made you more sensitive to a lot of things including noises and lights, but you still thought that you were being followed. The fact that the street lights made every stranger, who was taller than you, look sharper and more dangerous didn’t help at all. Your heart was hammering in your throat.

You were on your way home from a long study session with a few of your classmates for a group project, mentally cursing yourself for leaving your powerbank in your other backpack, when you became aware of the rhythmic sound of a pair of sneakers coming from behind you. It was super unnerving because usually the streets in downtown were loud enough to shut out individual noises, but this time it was as if your entire being was hyper fixated on the loud thud, thud, thud that resembled your own speeding up steps. Could it have been all in your head?

You were too freaked out to look over your shoulder and check it.

If you had been studying in the university library, you would have taken the metro to get back to your apartment, as you lived three minutes from the closest station, but since one of the guys had wanted to be able to eat snacks during your brainstorming session, you had opted for a quieter bubble tea and coffee shop where you knew the owner wouldn’t have sent you away to make more space for new customers. When your nervous eyes landed on the lit up windows of Coffee Carat, you had never been happier that Freefall was so close to Wonwoo’s workplace or that you had to walk in that direction to get home.

Resisting your fight or flight response and the growing urge to just hold onto your tote bag and run for your life, you did your best to stay as calm on the outside as possible. You didn’t want the person who was very likely following you to know you were onto them. Who knew what kind of reaction that would have triggered in them.

Your hand was trembling like a damned leaf in the autumnal wind when you finally reached the familiar double door and instead of walking past it, you pushed it open urgently. Your legs almost gave out when it closed shut behind your back, shielding you from the outside world.

You didn’t know how long you had been blocking the entrance before someone walked up to you, but you flinched without meaning to when the person touched your upper arm ever so gently.

‘Hey. Is everything alright?’ Wonwoo’s voice reached your ears from under heavy layers of water, and you nodded, forcing yourself to look him in the eyes.

‘I’m just…’ you started. Admittedly, you weren’t sure whether it would have been a good idea to tell him what had chased you into their shop so late. Not because you were afraid of his opinion of you in case you were seeing things due to sleep deprivation, but because you would have bet your life on it that it would have gotten back to Yuri, and you didn’t want to worry her. ‘I’ve just had a group meeting nearby and still have some school stuff to work on at home, so I came by for a cup of coffee. To re-energize,’ you said.

‘Okay,’ Wonwoo replied with a curt nod; however, it was clear as day that he didn’t believe you. It didn’t matter. At least he was considerate enough not to push for details. ‘Coffee to go? Or would you like to finish it here? Rest a little before going?’ He asked and you gulped, pushing down the urge to look outside the window to check whether the person who had been following you was still lingering nearby.

‘Yeah, a break sounds nice. Thanks,’ you agreed easily and you both walked up to the counter without engaging into a more meaningful conversation.

Even though Wonwoo made it clear that he would prepare your order out of turn, you insisted that you could wait for yours just like any other customer, then stood in line with a faux smile on your face. Having three people in front of you meant more justified minutes to stay in the building. It meant more time for your hypothetical follower to get bored and leave.

Deep in your thoughts, you didn’t pay much attention to your surroundings until it was your turn to order, but looking up from your sneakers, you lifted your head just in time to see as Junhui pushed Minghao aside, so he could take your order instead. In his defence, the action would have been pretty subtle if it hadn’t been for him saying:

‘Go away! We’ve already talked about this. I’ll take her order!’

You bit into your cheek from the inside to swallow down a chuckle. He was so dumb, but so adorable.

‘Man. You’re embarrassing yourself,’ Minghao retorted with a deadpan expression and rolled his eyes for good measure right before his girlfriend pulled him towards the sink where they hand-washed the dirty plates, cups, glasses and mugs.

Junhui sent a bright albeit awkward smile in your direction.

‘What can I get for you?’ He asked in Chinese and you chose a random item from their menu with one of the desserts that was sold for half of its original price due to how close they were to closing the place. The strawberry daifuku looked too good to let it go to waste even if you knew from Yuri that the owner always gave the leftovers to his employees and friends.

Once you put your hands on the sweets and your extra large salted caramel macchiato, you chose an empty table close to the windows and took a sip from the drink. A rational part of you, that was aware that you should have caught up on some sleep that night, doubted it did you any good, but hell, it tasted delicious.

The less daifuku remained on your plate, the more content you felt, but it wasn’t the same as if you had been suddenly freed from the anxiety. You still kept looking outside the window, following every pedestrian with your eyes and focusing on the darker areas of the park that separated Coffee Carat from Freefall. It was ridiculous because you didn’t actually need to go near the trees to get home, but still. The greenery you liked so much in this neighbourhood made you feel nervous for the first time in your life.

Maybe, you should have asked for something without caffeine or less sugar.

‘Hey… are you like, uhm, waiting for someone?’ Junhui’s question came from beside you and you almost dropped your mug because of how unaware you were of your own surroundings. It was almost comical, how the roles had gotten reversed for a second.

‘What do you mean?’ You asked, genuinely confused by his assumption. With whom would you have met at a coffee shop after 9PM? For late-night dates, you much preferred diners and underrated restaurants where you could learn about the other person’s taste, too, not just their personality, which could be faked more easily.

‘It’s just that you keep staring outside and I was thinking. I didn’t mean to be rude, maybe it’s not my business, I mean, it’s definitely not my business. But we’re closing in ten minutes,’ he informed you and you looked down at your watch with eyes wide like saucers. You hadn’t realised it was already 9:50PM.

9:51PM.

‘I’m sorry. I’ll speed up and leave. Thanks for the reminder,’ you said with a smile, another one that felt more genuine that it should have been considering the whirlpool of emotions in your belly. Or were those butterflies? This thought only turned your grin wider.

Junhui nodded and turned his back to you just to turn back around again, not even a heartbeat later.

‘No, but… are you okay? Can I help you with something?’ He asked, a bit unsure yet clearly determined to get the truth out of you. You contemplated how pathetic it would have sounded if you had admitted that you were suddenly afraid of the dark; that you were unsure whether there was a monster waiting for you outside or it was only in your head because you didn’t take good care of yourself these days.

On most days, you didn’t give a damn about other people’s opinion of you. You liked to think that you had thick skin that allowed you to live a carefree, unapologetic life at least in this aspect. However, sitting by the window, sipping on your salted caramel macchiato, you felt unusually vulnerable. Still, instead of annoying, the question felt nice when it came from Junhui. Obviously, you had nothing against Wonwoo, either, he was a sweetheart, but he wasn’t your person.

You looked around in the customer area, acknowledging that there were only three other girls in the shop and that most of the empty tables were already cleaned.

‘Do you have some time to sit with me?’ You asked and he nodded immediately, jumping on the opportunity like an excited puppy despite trying his best to remain collected. At moments like this, you had a hard time believing that he wasn’t off the market already, that Junhui was seriously single when he was a green flag on two legs.

‘Of course, I have,’ the barista claimed before whispering under his nose in Korean: ‘I always have time for you.’

You decided to file that piece of information away for another time and took a sip from your macchiato before you started your story time. You told him about the straining workload at uni, your poor time management and messed up sleep schedule. You also mentioned the new group project professor Lee had dumped onto you last-minute and those long hours you had spent at Freefall. Then, you took a momentary break - drank another gulp from your drink - and went into details about the footsteps you had heard from behind your back and how eerie it had been that they had hit the concrete for the same rhythm yours had done so.

‘Maybe it’s all in my head. Dunno, it’s not like there aren’t CCTVs everywhere in Seoul,’ you tried to downplay it, but Junhui had none of it. He shook his head vehemently and went as far as to put his hands on his hips with a straight back, his posture almost unnatural.

‘Maybe, but what if you’re right and this person is real?’ He asked, his tone firm enough for you to know he wasn’t stalling because he was waiting for an answer. Thus, you pressed your lips together and remained silent. ‘Are you in a hurry? If not, you should stay until we finish up and I’ll walk you home,’ the suggestion left his mouth easily, the flames of determination in his eyes rendering you speechless.

If you wanted to be honest, you didn’t hate the idea of waiting for Junhui. Mostly because his presence made you feel safe - a sensation you were lacking that night - and because it was him offering and not you begging for his company. Not that you had ever had to fight for his attention, not really, but he was an objectively handsome young man, which meant he wasn’t short of young girls and women fanning over him. He could have spent his time with anyone, yet he chose to walk you home because you might or might not have been followed.

‘I’m not in a hurry,’ you said at the end, not exactly shy about the sudden turn of events, but lowkey blushing when Minghao walked up to your table and shoved a mop into his friend’s hands without further explanation.

While the other customers left the building, you were allowed to stay by your table and eat some of the leftover pastries for free while the guys closed the cash register and cleaned the place. In a weak moment, you offered to help them with the easiest tasks, such as mopping the floor after Junhui put every chair on the tables in the customer area; however, Wonwoo reassured you that Seungcheol paid his employees handsomely. They could manage the short list of things to do easily.

Time flew quickly in good company; it was a universal truth. Hence, as you were watching the guys joke around and annoy each other while they were simultaneously doing their job and joining the radio whenever there was a song they knew by heart, it came as no surprise that they finished everything before you realised a whole hour had passed. Standing in front of the double door with one hand on the handle, you had to make a conscious effort to not laugh or smile when Seokmin called Junhui out on his eagerness to leave with you. He was funny, but you weren’t supposed to get the joke. You hadn’t told Junhui yet that you spoke Korean and it didn’t feel like the right time or place. His friends would have never let him live it down.

So your smile was more on the polite side until you left; until it was only the two of you and the boy coaxed the first laughs out of you with his silly stories and ridiculous jokes. He was so bad at telling them, jumping from one key point to the other, sometimes leaving out the most important pieces of information, that your belly hurt by the time you reached your apartment building.

If you had been the main leads of a romantic comedy - or one of those Chinese dramas that were worth binge watching in your scarce freetime -, Junhui would have lingered before he eventually said goodbye to you, but in reality, he seemed pretty okay with leaving as soon as you pointed at your windows, so you needed to take matters into your own hands before he walked away.

‘We will celebrate the end of our - hopefully - last exam period next weekend with a few of our classmates. It’s more like an early graduation celebration party, you know, without the family and all the hassle. Would you like to come? Wonwoo will be there, too,’ you asked in one breath, trying to sound as casual as you could despite your obvious ramble.

Since when was “you” and “rambling” in one sentence a thing? God.

‘I… sure, someone has to make sure Wonwoo doesn’t become a party pooper after all,’ he shot a smile in your way, that bright and genuine smile that always awoke the butterflies in your tummy. ‘And make sure you get home in one piece,’ Junhui mumbled under his nose in Korean, his voice barely above a whisper yet impactful enough to paint your cheeks a faint shade of pink - a colour you could hide in the dimly lit street.

You bit into your cheek from the inside to contain your giddiness.

‘Someone has to,’ you agreed with both statements without his knowledge and promised him that you would tell him more about the details once they were set in stone before he walked away for real.

You couldn’t have believed you had let such a great opportunity go to waste when later that night you realised that you could have asked for Junhui’s number if only you had told him that you would send him the fixed date and location via kakao. Such an amateur, school girl mistake.

You were so busy with finishing up the school year and so excited about the party with your chillest classmates and friends that at one point of the night, after like two or three glasses of somaek, you completely forgot that only a handful of your Korean friends spoke Chinese and that they all talked to you in their native language, which you couldn’t have pretended not to understand when they had already known your Korean was close to fluent. How else could you have gotten yourself a partial scholarship to a Korean program at one of the best unis in the country? It wasn’t like you had written your assignments in Chinese or your lectures had had magical subtitles only you could have seen.

If you had the brain capacity, you might have wondered if anyone had ever set themselves up for failure as wonderfully as you had done when you had invited Junhui for the party, but you were sleep-deprived and tipsy, so you simply greeted him with one of your sweet smiles when he finally arrived.

‘You’re late!’ You complained, your lips taking on a naturally pouty shape as you looked him in the eyes. He looked so good with his adorable mole above his upper lip and the one on his cheek that lately made you want to pinch it. Or kiss it. Maybe something in-between. Or both. Yeah, you could have definitely pinched his cheek and kissed him as an apology. Or should you have kissed him first and pinched him afterwards just to tease him? You liked teasing him a lot.

‘I’m sorry. There was an emergency at the shop,’ he apologised before he tilted his head to the left and pointed at Wonwoo who had also arrived only a couple of seconds ago. You followed his line of sight and sighed when you saw Yuri hugging her boyfriend so openly albeit a bit shyly. You wanted to do the same, just not with Wonwoo.

‘Hey guys! Grab a shot and come to the table! It’s time for the classic, the cliche, the legend!’ One of your classmates shouted, hyping up your slowly growing group, although you knew what was coming was the most basic drinking game of all time: ‘Truth or dare!’

You shook your head with a smile and tugged on Junhui’s sleeve.

‘You heard her. Let’s go!’ You exclaimed, completely oblivious to the fact that you shouldn’t have been able to understand the girl or that you had just blown on your imaginary house of cards as though it had always meant to be destroyed so carelessly.

You didn’t stutter, you didn’t waver and you clearly weren’t aware of the reason why Junhui was giving you such a terrified look. Your tipsy brain assumed it was because of the game and how juicy it could have gotten when one was playing it with the right gang.

With so many people around, it took for a while until you could actively participate in the game, but you genuinely enjoyed yourself while you were watching your classmates and friends embarrass themselves in public. Then, you dared Yuri to sit into Wonwoo’s lap and the crowd went wild. You hadn’t felt so light and carefree in months.

‘Your turn. Truth or dare?’ Wonwoo’s question was directed at you three or four rounds later, his eyes shining with unexpected mischief as he raised one of his brows. He was challenging you and you were a coward, so you chose:

‘Truth.’

Obviously, you would have been stupid to willingly embarrass yourself in front of Junhui. He was already way too quiet for your liking. Now that you thought about it, he hadn’t said a word since you two had joined your friends by the table.

You turned towards him, worried. And you were still looking at him when your best friend’s boyfriend’s question reached your ears, dread morphing your features as the seriousness of the situation hit you in the face. Oh. Why hadn’t you thought of the possibility that Wonwoo might have asked you why you were pretending not to understand Korean around Junhui? It was such a predictable question in hindsight, especially after the sneaky dare you had given Yuri.

‘I…’ you started, but the words stuck in your throat and you had to take a deep breath before you tried again, this time, with more confidence. It was as good of a time to come clean as any even if the circumstances weren’t ideal. So far, you could have soothed your conscience with the reminder that you had never lied in Junhui’s face. You didn’t want to start it now.

So you turned your whole body towards the boy and made sure he heard you when you told him the truth.

‘I like knowing those things he isn’t brave enough to admit aloud,’ you said, giving him one of your sweetest smiles in hope of his forgiveness.

Yet, he averted his eyes, and when you gave in the urge to touch his face and make him look at you, he cleared his throat and excused himself like it wasn’t painfully obvious that he didn’t need to use the toilet. He needed more distance between the two of you.

You bit into your cheeks from the inside hard enough to draw blood before you, too, left the table, using the weak excuse that you needed some fresh air. In reality, you just couldn’t bear to see the pitiful look everyone was giving you or hear the apology that fell from your best friend’s lips as though it was her or Wonwoo’s fault.

Even tipsy, you knew it was all on you.

The first thing that popped up in your mind when you left the diner and sat down on one of the plastic chairs outside was that maybe you were wrong and you did need some fresh air. Because hell it felt amazing when the cold, wintry air hit your face and caressed your warm cheeks like a mother would - or a best friend. A person you could confide in. God, you had screwed up big time, hadn’t you?

Frowning, it didn’t even occur to you that sitting outside in December, wearing nothing but a thin long-sleeved shirt and denim jeans was a bad idea. You didn’t question why there were only three other dudes chatting on the terrace, smoking cigarettes. You were just relieved to be alone while you were mourning a relationship you had never even had. You really liked Junhui.

It was the sudden weight of a jacket on your shoulders that pulled you out of your thoughts, your head snapping towards your intruder fast enough to hurt. However, as soon as your eyes met Junhui’s you swallowed down the groan.

‘What…’ you started, but didn’t know how to finish the question, so you pressed your lips together and said nothing. Did you even have the right to ask him what he was doing outside when you had made him so uncomfortable, he had to distance himself from you? Did you even want to hear the answer?

As much as you didn’t mind being rejected - you were an advocate for the basic human right of saying no -, at that moment, you would have rather not be called an awful person by the first person who had piqued your interest in years. You had already felt pathetic, your self-esteem could only take so much one night.

Junhui took the chair next to you.

‘Were you having fun?’ He broke the silence when he realised you wouldn’t, his gaze fixated on something in front of him instead of on you as though he was just as afraid of the look on your face as you were of the emotions in his eyes. You didn’t want him to resent you, though, you might have deserved it. ‘Or do you really like me?’

It wasn’t the first time you heard the boy speak Korean, clearly, but there was something new and almost odd about hearing Junhui dedicating a question to you in the local language. You allowed yourself another quick glance at him, and even in your tipsy state it was ridiculously easy to tell that he was much drunker than the last time you had sat this close. It took one to know one.

You let out a defeated sigh.

‘I like you. I really do, Junhui,’ you admitted as you wondered whether your confession was too plain and about the chances that he would believe you. Weren’t you a notorious liar in his eyes?

Your lips parted in disbelief when instead of an answer or a well-deserved accusation, you felt a light weight on your right shoulder; the side Junhui was sitting on. Slowly, to not ruin the moment, you turned your head in that direction, surprised to see the boy’s head resting on you. Too stunned to comprehend the situation, you lifted your left hand to touch his soft hair and simultaneously check whether he was asleep.

Based on the lack of reaction, he was. He fell asleep on your shoulder. On the very same person’s shoulder who had unintentionally made him feel like a fool. You didn’t have to be a genius to know you didn’t deserve the immense amount of trust something like this required from a person; he was so vulnerable, completely unconscious beside you, and so adorable as he was snoring lightly that you swore you would protect him from all harm. If only he had given you a second chance.

If you wanted to be honest, you had no idea how long you stayed outside or whether you had also managed to fall asleep at one point. However, it was fairly obvious that the party hadn’t been over yet when Yuri and her boyfriend walked up to you and informed you that they had already called a cab.

‘Do you need help with him? We can take a small detour to both of your apartments if you’re okay to leave in ten,’ Wonwoo offered and you sneaked a glance at Junhui before you made up your mind. Sure, you would have gladly stayed for a little longer, making up for all those university parties you had deliberately missed out on due to your workload, but making sure the boy got home in one piece was higher on your priority list.

‘Thanks. That would be nice,’ you accepted the help and let Wonwoo pull his friend into a bent albeit standing position when the driver finally arrived.

Since Yuri volunteered to take the passenger’s seat and out of the three remaining passengers you were the tiniest, you stuck between the boys in the backseat with Junhui’s head once again on your shoulder. Way less tipsier than an hour prior, it was impossible not to notice the effect his closeness had on your body: his warm breath fanning over your skin under your ear sent a pleasant shiver down your spine and whenever his nose touched your neck, you felt new goosebumps forming on your lower arm. He was so, so close and so damn out of it, you were sure he would have felt embarrassed that he was particularly cuddling you in front of his friend if he had been conscious.

God, even your cheeks were burning and you were sitting so upright, one would have thought someone had shoved a stick up your ass.

‘We’re here,’ Wonwoo nudged you when the cab parked in front of Junhui’s building and you acknowledged with a surprised hum that his place was in the opposite direction from the café than yours. Suddenly, his offer to walk you home after your mild panic attack meant so much more to you.

You looked down at the sleeping boy and brushed a stray strand of hair out of his face.

Although you did shake Junhui awake, dragging him up to the third floor was an adventure on its own, not to mention the mess he made as soon as his front door closed behind your back. He might not have thrown up on your shoes, but he crashed into several furniture and walls, which resulted in two broken porcelain decorations and a rose-coloured bump on his head.

‘It’s okay. You can rest now,’ you told him once he was under the blankets, still in his clothes but with his shoes and socks off. It wasn’t below you to put a drunk person in their pyjamas; however, with Junhui, you didn’t want to risk crossing that line without his explicit consent. Especially not after the unplanned twists and turns of the night.

Placing a hastily written note in front of the glass of water and painkillers that Wonwoo had put on his bedside table before he had given the two of you some space, you only hoped he wouldn’t feel too uncomfortable during the rest of the night in his jeans and shirt.

You were thinking about this and the way Junhui’s warm breath felt against your skin in the backseat until your body (and mind) gave in to exhaustion in your own bedroom.

You weren’t avoiding Junhui. But with Christmas coming up, then your thesis defence and your scheduled family trip back to China a week before Chinese New Year, you told yourself that you were too busy to spent so much time in a coffee shop, pathetically hoping that the boy you liked would not only show willingness to talk to you, but have some time to do so as well. You didn’t know his schedule and he had never texted you despite the note you had left behind before you had walked out of his bedroom after the disastrous end of semester party.

Rationally speaking, you knew you had other options. You could have asked Yuri’s boyfriend to send you Junhui’s schedule. You could have also cashed in a favour from Wonwoo and asked him to give the barista a short break when there weren’t too many customers at the shop, so that you could have talked. You could have texted Junhui first or simply shown up at the shop close to closing time. However, a selfish part of you wanted him to take the initiative, because you felt like that would have been a clear sign that he didn’t hate you, that you might still have had a chance.

So why you were at Coffee Carat two days before your flight to Beijing was beyond you. You guessed this was what it meant to be a supportive best friend: you showed up even when it was the last thing you wanted to do at that moment, even when you knew you were being set up as there was no way Yuri would have seriously needed a cup of coffee delivered to her flat in the middle of the day when she had her own coffee machine at home and her boyfriend worked at the same coffee shop.

With a resigned sigh, once it was your turn in front of the counter, you asked for her usual iced coffee.

‘And here I was thinking, he was overdramatic. You do look like you would rather eat glass than be here,’ Minghao said as he started the coffee machine, then filled an empty plastic cup with ice cubes. He was as grumpy as ever, but you wouldn’t have had him any other way. It also did good to your guilt that his first words to you weren’t overly nice. If you wanted to be a hundred percent honest, you deserved the roasting.

‘It’s always so nice to see you, Minghao. Thank you for asking, I’m doing pretty okay these days. No more assignments, no more all-nighters,’ you remarked with more amusement than malice as you fished your wallet out of your bag and linked your arms in front of your chest. Eyeing the glass display, you were contemplating whether you should have bought yourself a cupcake or a cinnamon roll. They both looked delicious.

‘Amazing,’ he mused. He put the plastic lid on Yuri’s drink, then followed your line of sight and put a freshly baked cinnamon roll with walnut pieces on top in a paper bag. You licked your lower lip unconsciously; you could feel the yearning in the pit of your tummy. ‘Though, it’s not exactly what a best friend would want to hear from the girl who is messing with their friend’s head,’ he added when you exchanged money, deliberately disregarding the whine that escaped your mouth.

It was a low blow, but you couldn’t deny that there was some truth to what he said. Even if you had never messed with Junhui’s head on purpose. Because despite the implication, you had never played with him. Your interest had been pure and genuine. It still was.

The unmistakable sound of broken glass pulled you back to reality and also forced Minghao to tear his judging gaze away from you. The scream stuck in your throat the moment your eyes landed on a panicking Junhui in the middle of a latte pond. Was that strawberry jam on his lower arm? Was he bleeding?

‘Are you okay?’ The question fell from your lips without thinking, the fact that you were speaking in Chinese not registering in you until Minghao gave you a nasty side eye. Oh. You quickly cleared your throat and repeated the question in Korean. ‘I’m sorry. Are you okay?’

‘I’m…’ Junhui started, awkwardly shifting from one foot to the other in a crouching position. His cheeks, neck and ears were rose-coloured, but for the first time you were too worried about him to find his bashfulness adorable.

You were seconds from rushing behind the counter, so that you could examine his body for possible injuries.

‘I’m fine,’ Junhui shot a tight-lipped smile in your direction, which might have been meant to be reassuring, but did nothing to soothe your nerves.

If you had only given a single thought to your actions, you would have realised that running behind the counter as a customer was a horrible idea for numerous reasons. For instance, it went against basic hygiene regulations, therefore it could have gotten the place in big trouble if anyone had taken a picture of you sitting on your knees beside Junhui without an apron and a proper uniform. In the era of social media and cancel culture, there were no such things as small or innocent mistakes.

However, you clearly weren’t thinking - not about the negative consequences of your actions nor anyone else but the flustered boy in front of you.

‘Stop fidgeting. Don’t touch that!’ You scolded him so naturally it felt like the two of you had never stopped talking and pulled him up from the floor with ease, taking full advantage of his confusion as you dragged him to the closest empty chair.

After checking every inch of his lower arms two times, lips pressed into a thin line because of how nervous you felt, you acknowledged with a relieved sigh that Junhui was fine. He had one minor cut on his left index finger, that you dressed in a plaster dutifully.

‘Here. As good as new,’ you teased, not because you found the possibility of Junhui getting hurt funny, but because the worry you had just felt had been overwhelming and you needed to lighten the mood - for the sake of your sanity.

And maybe to dilute the lingering awkwardness around you when the silence settled.

It was the first time you saw him in weeks. Unsurprisingly, he looked the same, but somehow things still felt different. You wondered whether it was because you weren’t talking in your native language anymore. You missed the familiar warmth that always embraced you when he addressed you in Chinese. For the first time since you had moved countries, you swore you were experiencing homesickness, which was as ridiculous as true.

‘You know…’ Your body jerked when you heard Minghao’s girlfriend’s voice from behind your back. You snapped your head in her direction only to see her staring at the two of you with a broom and a plastic dustpan. ‘For people who can converse in at least two languages, you two are pretty shitty at communication,’ she said with a frown, her tone not judgemental per se, but still a bit reprimanding.

You bit into your cheek from the inside, swallowing back a scoff. Your communication skills were exceptional. You hadn’t had any problem talking to Junhui before… before that stupid truth or dare. Just the thought of it soured your mood.

‘Sooryeon-ah…’

‘We’re doing just fine,’ you remarked at the same time Junhui let out a pitiful whine. You looked back at the boy who was sitting beside you and closed your eyes for theatrics. Maybe, you weren’t doing fine at all. However, saying it out loud, admitting it in front of his friend’s girlfriend, felt so bad. As though you had failed before you could have even tried.

‘Oh? You’re doing fine, you say?’ Sooryeon’s interest was clearly piqued at the sudden turn of events, the smirk audible in her voice. ‘So he’s finally asked you out on a date?’

The speed your head turned in the barista girl’s direction wasn’t even funny. You could feel your neck crack and you cursed your instincts for betraying you so badly. Still, as giddiness slowly blended into your confusion, you couldn’t help but smile. Was it naive of you to hope that she was also up-to-date with the happenings between the two of you? Shouldn’t you have at least prepared yourself for the disappointment in case it had only been true before… before that stupid truth or dare.

‘Lim Sooryeon!’ Junhui’s raised voice took you completely off guard, pushing you from one surprise to another as the twists of the day pulled the rug from under your feet. You had never heard him so frustrated - angry? - in your life and you had known him for over a year by then. You had seen him surrounded by girls who didn’t know what no meant; you had seen him handle entitled Karens on a weekly basis with utmost patience; you had seen him being teased for hours to no end by his friends.

‘Moon J—’

‘He did. We’ll have street food tonight. Go, watch a movie,’ you cut the barista girl off before their banter could have drawn too much unwanted attention. A few of the customers were already giving you curious glances and you knew, deep down you just knew, that the only reason Minghao didn’t come up to you to scold Junhui was because of the growing line in front of the counter.

The silence that followed your statement was deafening and for a second you contemplated whether you should have apologised and told Sooryeon the truth - if you should have stopped altering reality so shamelessly whenever you seemed fit even though you never meant any harm when it happened -, but then Junhui asked:

‘We will?’ With so much enthusiasm that it threw your life off its axis.

He sounded so happy as though he wasn’t aware that he had, in fact, hadn’t asked you out on a date. How could you have said yes to a question that he had never asked? He was so silly but so adorable.

A grumpy voice in your head, suspiciously akin to Minghao’s, attempted to convince you that lying was not the solution, but one look at Junhui’s shy smile made it impossible for you to do the morally acceptable thing. What was so good about doing the “right thing” when that would have only dampened his mood? And it wasn’t that you were about to straight out lie in his face. You had every intention to have street food with him after his shift in case he was up for it.

You would have been stupid to turn down this miraculously obtained second chance.

‘We will,’ you confirmed with a soft smile, mustering up the courage to lean a little forwards, so you would have been close enough to him to cup his cheeks with your hands, squeezing them with a cooing sound.

‘Junhui! If your injuries aren’t deadly, come back behind the counter. You’re not off the clock yet,’ Minghao’s command cut through the air and you reluctantly let Junhui’s face go, so that he could pull away and go back to work.

That day, you decided that Yuri needed to wait a couple of hours for her iced coffee - the first cup became lukewarm by the time you put yourself together, therefore you used it as an excuse to stay until lunch break and finished it with your dessert. In the meantime, whenever the crowd was manageable, you exchanged a few words with Junhui: you apologised for last time and he apologised for never contacting you. You made him blush, teasing him about how delighted your grandparents would be when they found out he’s Chinese and he tried his best to repay the favour with the cheesiest compliments you ever heard (and a slice of orange cheesecake that finally did the trick and painted your cheeks red). It was as easy as you had remembered, talking to Junhui again, but you also knew Sooryeon had been right. The two of you had a long way to go when it came to communication, but that was okay. You were only at the beginning of the journey.

You had years to perfect your skills. A lifetime if you were lucky.

➼ next reason

#seventeen scenarios #caratwritersclub #junhui x reader #jun x reader #junhui x you #jun x you #moon junhui #wen junhui #ssbyme #seventeen series #coffee shop au

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alexandraisyes · 1 month

Text

Initial Bloodmoon Thoughts - New vs Old

Disclaimer, this ramble/analysis was made 01/11/2024 and is copy-pasted from the original (me) source on Discord in TSBS server. I have a thread there. There are a few ss of the original thread for when other people came into the conversation.

Thoughts under the cut.

My brain is stuck on BM. I remember how angry everyone was with Earth for saying that she didn't think they could be redeemed because she's supposed to be the "therapist" character but like She's just as much a person as the other animatronics and just because she's "understanding" doesn't mean she has to be forgiving of her literal murderer, I can imagine dying messes a person up (we all saw how Lunar handled it) And where she has to be perfect, she has to be the better bigger person, it's part of her code to always take the moral high ground and turn the other cheek so to speak I'd bet you money she is compartmentalizing the heck out of life So no, I don't blame her for not wanting anything to do with Bloodmoon and thinking he's beyond saving If someone killed me I would write them off too

However Sun on the other hand I'm mostly just crouchy that he's being a spineless cunt He was willing to argue with Moon about BM because he knew that they couldn't help it But he's not saying anything about Eclipse and I'm so grrr Like I get it, Eclipse was kinda crappy, but you aren't stepping back and looking at this rationally Sun, and someone needs to step back and look at it rationally because Moon is way too emotional and always has been, and Sun feeds off of his brother's anxiety and always has

It feels like a double standard on the Celestial Twin's part (cause it is lmao)

"He can't help it, it's all he knows" For Bloodmoon And then "I'm gonna torture that inserts insult" For Eclipse like come on He hasn't even done anything (yet) I can understand why Moon would be more understanding towards BM than Eclipse, but it doesn't mean I have to like it

I've said it once and I will say it time and time again Eclipse is the product of an unhospitable environment that was left to his own devices long enough that he drowned in his own self-loathing and the only anchor that he could perceive was taking that out on those around him All of the Eclipse issues could have been solved if one: Old Moon treated him as more than just a parasite And two: Sun had a single thought in that pretty little head that wasn't just an echo of Moon's

I love Sun to death, don't get me wrong I loathe the fact that even now, with a 'new' Moon, he is still just going along with everything Moon says and decides upon He does not think for himself The one time he did, the one time he tried to escape Moon's hands around his choices, what happened? He failed to kill Eclipse and was goaded into destroying Moon's magic Which did what? ding ding ding Only reaffirmed his prior belief that he's A screw-up, stupid, the dumb one, incapable, unreliable And that Moon is Correct, the smart one, capable, and the one who should be trusted with decisions Which is so so so bad for Sun's psyche

Whereas with Bloodmoon, Sun and Moon cannot seem to get over this idea that he's "like the old Moon he can't help it we understand" Sure, Bloodmoon has a want to kill that is so strong it feels like a need And so did the old Moon But that's where the similarities end They fail to take into consideration bloodmoon's feelings when they talk about 'redeeming him' As well as his origins They only see the surface value because they've already written him off And yeah, bloodmoon is awful Bloodmoon is an awful awful creature who has done horrible things to the celestial family And his instincts do not excuse his behavior However, I hesitate to write him off for similar reasons I won't write Eclipse off He's a product of his environment and Ruin's crappy programming (Not that Ruin is bad at programming, per say, more that Ruin only programmed him in what he thought would make BM a good tool, which leaves out a lot of higher cognitive functions.) As we've already seen, this BM is a lot dumber than the first BM when it comes to rationalizing and recognizing issues past the immediate here and now in specifically their bubble

I think, and this is just a theory, but I think that Sun was thinking of the old BM when he was trying to get through to the BM now. Because the old BM was a lot more complex, a lot smarter, and was able to rationalize with others. This one isn't. This one is vey obviously missing very large chunks of development and personality, and I don't know if it would be kinder to just straight up put him down or try to reprogram him. The issue with reprogramming him is it might break him beyond what he already is. Or it might cause a similar crisis that Moon has when he thinks about "old moon". Not the same, of course, but similar. Or it may just completely erase BM entirely because the celestial idiots have no idea what he was like before Sun killed him past what they see on the surface. So if they were to go the reprogramming route, they'd have to turn to dun dun dun Eclipse Because even if old BM and Eclipse weren't on the best of terms, Eclipse would be able to fix what is missing because he knows the missing peices. Now of course, this only works if it's Eclipse 1.0 or 2.0. If the Eclipse we have now is Eclipse 3.0 then he can't do crap unless the entirety of the BM schematics were in the files Ruin stole, that Eclipse then stole back. And even then, he still can't fully get it if he's Eclipse 3.0 because he's missing the memories of what BM was like. So, with all of that complication, at this point it's easier (not necessarily right) to just put him down. He's dangerous, right? (Rhetorical)

Past Sun's POV on BM, I get the feeling that Moon let Sun try to rationalize with BM because, in Moon's mind, BM and Old Moon are basically the same person. Maybe even KC too. An irrational need to kill is embedded in their codes, and they are powerless to stop it, etc etc. And Moon was probably thinking, "Well, Old me and KC both managed to fight their instincts, so surely BM can too." He fails to recognize that BM doesn't have a support system. Old Moon had Sun, and he was friends with the other animatronics as well. Old Moon also had a best friend, Monty. Monty isn't the best influence, but he is still a friend. And Sun was a good influence on Old Moon. Killcode had a good influence too. He had Sun, Glamrock Freddy, and to an extent, Moon. He had a reason to hold back his violent urges, it would be counterproductive to lash out at old BM and Eclipse 2.0 when they were his allies. Acting on said urges outside of the area would also be counterproductive bc that could endanger the host of the body he was sharing, which would end his own life as well.

BM 2.0 has… no one. Ruin was a bad influence. The stitchwraith was a bad influence. Rodrick was a bad influence. Ruin was manipulating them by being kind, so of course BM 2.0 is going to react poorly to kindness and compassion. It is, in their eyes, just another ploy to make him a tool. He can't trust a helping hand because the first kind hands in his life were lying to him. When you wake up, and all that you know is kindness being a mask, that's what you expect from everyone. And when you're offered help, you react poorly and with hatred because you are expecting to be used just like the person you trusted used you. The only reason he let Solar help him was because Solar was upfront with his intentions, and didn't try to sugarcoat it or play 'friends'. He knew that it was a situation in which they would be taking advantage of each other, but the key there was he knew. Ruin literally destroyed his psyche in the worst ways possible by programming him to be a tool, only showing him the parts of the show that were beneficial to Ruin's plans, and using kindness to manipulate him. BM has every right to be angry and distrustful because the person he considered family was the person who broke him beyond repair. And Sun and Moon don't understand that because they don't understand psychology. Earth may have been able to understand (therapist coding), but BM purposefully made her hate them (perhaps to avoid the kindness they know she gives everyone?). Out of all of the people they could have attacked, they attacked the one person who could have puzzled them out. At this point, the only hope for BM is either Eclipse or a literal miracle.

*Ten hour timeskip*

Okay so I’ve been thinking about Bloodmoon and my earlier statement of “At this point, the only hope for BM is either Eclipse or a literal miracle.” I’d like to rescind that statement to add the potential of Solar Flare since there is talk of bringing him back. I’ll elaborate once I get to my computer, but my mind is buzzing with the idea and the logic that would allow it to work. Because on the surface one squints and goes “And Alex is crazy talking again” But it will make sense once I explain how it could work

So Flare We love Flare I love Flare Flare

Flare has been known for a few things in the show. He's a tool. He was made to protect Killcode. He has limited emotional capacity. He's basically a super computer with a consciousness. He's an absolute beast of an animatronic, and is probably the most dangerous person we have seen on the show. He's also upfront, honest, non-deceptive, and has never shown a preference towards one side or the other. Nor is he friendly. He's not unfriendly, but he doesn't go out of his way to be nice. He gave Moon the schematics to the satellite because it was in KC's best interest, not because he liked Moon or hated Eclipse. There could honeslty be debate on if he's even capable of liking or disliking things, considering how emotionally incapable he is. He's very logical, analytical, etc.

So how does Bloodmoon 2.0 factor into this?

Well, as stated earlier, BM doesn't want kindness. He doesn't want pity, he doesn't want niceness. Flare wouldn't extend him those to start with, so that's one thing crossed off the list. Flare would also be upfront with BM about his intentions, he did straight up tell Eclipse he was helping to kill him, although he omitted the way he was planning to do that. So Flare wouldn't be trying to manipulate BM either. Bloodmoon may also feel some kind of companionship purely from the fact they were both made to be tools. Flare has no need to be loyal to the celestial twins or to Eclipse. I can see him going rogue like KC did. It wouldn't be unplausable that he would seek out BM purely since the twins were considered by KC to be family. And since there isn't a Killcode anymore for Flare to look after, his sons may be the next best thing, even if it isn't BM 1.0. Flare doesn't give a crap, honestly. He can defend himself, but he's also able to just sit there and take a hit. It's unlikely the twins would even be able to damage him were they to try to attack him. He'd probably be able to just let them wear themselves out until they are tired enough they can just be picked up like kittens and taken care of. Due to his stubborn nature mixed with the apathy we've seen displayed, I can see him able to help the twins because he's not gonna just "give up" on them. He can sit back and let them run themselves ragged and then do what he has to once they're all tired out. It wouldn't be the kind of redemption we're used to seeing in the show, and would probably not be a total redemption, but he may be able to tame them enough that they can be handled and fixed by the others. Flare taming BM twins and then reuniting with Eclipse so he can fix them? Interesting thought. Bring the family back together.

Obviously, I'm not saying this is even likely to happen. This won't happen, of course. But it could, in a different universe, I suppose. This was just to serve the purpose of explaining how Flare would be able to help the twins tbh.

Flare is too smart and apathetic to get hung up by a detail like that (in my opinion based off of my observation of him). He’d be pretty quick to piece together that the twins killed KC because they were manipulated into perceiving the older animatronic as a threat. (Once again Ruin why did you have to break them like that). Kinda like how they wanted to kill Monty (maybe still do?) because Ruin talked them into believing that Monty was a threat. Not, not a physical threat, but an emotional one. He (ruin) leaned on the fact that BM was “tricked” in the past by the people that Ruin saw as obstacles to convince BM to take them out

Pair that with volatile emotions and aggressive tendencies and you get a red goblin on a murder spree to avenge BM 1.0 more or less. I don’t think Flare would hold that against him cause he’s always been good at tearing through people’s psyches and finding the root motivations and issues.

And for BM 2.0 those issues and motivations both stem from Ruin’s manipulation

The thing is, I don’t think Flare really cared about KC. For him, it seemed more like protecting KC was just a protocol. Kinda like the protocol to kill for Moon 1.0. It’s just something that he was supposed to do. Which is just further reason why the twins killing KC wouldn’t be a hang-up for him

#sun and moon show #fnaf au #moondrop #earth and lunar show #tsams eclipse #tsams bloodmoon #tsams solar flare #sunrise fnaf #ruin tsams #tsams solar #character analysis #tsams analysis #bloodmoon twins #alex talks

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milo-the-professional-yapper · 2 months

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TW: Valentino, SA

Back with another opinion post based on the controversy surrounding Valentinos character. Again, this is all my opinion and this post should be taken as such- I’m not expecting anyone to 100% agree with me.

Anyways, onto it- Valentino, as we all know, is a pimp. He’s an abuser and kind of very much the worst, but he also has his own silly moments in the show like the other Vees. I do think it’s a bit hypocritical to say that you like Vox and Velvette while also actively saying people cannot like Valentino- they’re both enablers and, hell, Velvette even helped make the date rape drugs Val uses on his sex workers. And before anyone says anything, I LOATHE Val- so this is not me being a supporter, I’m purely looking at it from a neutral standpoint. He’s a villain, people are allowed to like villains. Is he a well written one? I’d argue we’re only on season one (where the Vees aren’t even main villains) so no one can say conclusively that he IS written well- and why does he need to be? Can’t people just be bad for the sake of being bad? Why does there need to be some complex motivation?

Anyways,

There’s a debate currently going around about whether or not people are allowed to like the character- my opinion? A bit of both.

Are you allowed to like his character design, voice, and- yes- even some of his sillier moments? Absolutely! And don’t let people make you feel bad about it. What’s been happening lately, though, has been really strange. Like I do see a lot of people in the fandom try to- not justify, but minimize Val’s actions? Look, just because he’s a silly guy sometimes does NOT mean he is like that always and doesn’t overshadow the fact that he’s an evil horrible person. No one should try and justify anything with the use of other character traits, Val is evil. Full stop. And I feel like most fans KNOW this- it’s just a very vocal minority that keeps getting picked on for liking a character and phrasing their justifications wrong.

Again, Val? Not my favorite character personality wise. But I do love his character design (I could go on and on about the choices they made for him visually, it’s like eye candy) and I love his VA (just the sweetest man, and very silly). Just because I like these things doesn’t mean NOT equate to me excusing anyone’s actions against other characters.

Anyways, that was the post. Kind of turned into a mini rant and was a bit all over the place, but I hope you guys got what I’m trying to say. I use this app as a way to go through my thoughts and lay them out- it’s not really in any order, just whatever I think of next. Might do more character analysis posts (more organized ones though I promise)- this was just kind of my take on everyone going on rn.

#hazbin hotel #vivziepop #hazbin hotel valentino #vivzieverse #hazbin hotel critical #Might start doing posts about what I like visually for each character as well #seriously vals design is one of the best in the show #Doesn’t mean I like him #if I saw him it’d be a can of raid spray ON SIGHT #I’d curb stomp a mf don’t test me #Angel dust is also my favorite character so JUSTICE FOR HIM

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dangraccoon · 6 months

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Oyuba'din - Chapter 23: Contact

Summary: Jaine struggles with her desire to earn Tech's trust back; Tech has an odd encounter with a stranger.

Warnings: being contacted in a dream, brotherly teasing, mention of failure based punishment/decommissioning

Author's Note: okay so this chapter has been written for actual weeks and I just haven't had the time (or energy, but mostly time) to edit and post it, but it's here now! Given that we're headed into Seasonal Affective Disorder time, I can't guarantee that I'll be posting as often as I used to, but I'm kinda hoping that I can update this fic for you guys and maybe a few others that have been brewing in my brain

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Jaine had been up to her neck in overdue reports and inventories from the Batch’s “extended leave” and now that they’d be starting missions again, she was beginning to feel overwhelmed.

Her eyes felt like they were beginning to burn from how long she’d been staring at the screen of her data pad, so she set it down on the table with a clunk, sighing as she pressed her palms into eyes.

“Getting tired, mesh’la?” Hunter chuckled as he entered the room. She jumped a little, not expecting him.

“Hunter,” she groaned.

“You’ve been away from the action too long,” Hunter teased, picking up the data pad to read the half finished report. “Statistical analysis? Thought this was Tech’s job?”

“Yeah,” Jaine shrugged, glancing up at the sergeant with an almost unreadable expression. Almost.

Hunter watched her for a moment. He didn’t need his enhanced senses to feel the stress radiating off of her, the guilt.

“Jaine,” he chided gently, sitting down next to her. “You need to give him time. He’ll come back around.”

She sighed, leaning her head against his shoulder, grateful that he hadn’t gotten into his armor yet. “I just feel so horrible. I’m worried that if there’s some kind of situation in the field, he won’t be able to trust me.”

Hunter barely heard her quiet admissions of fear and guilt over the sound of his own heart threatening to beat out of his chest. She’d never been this close to him before. Crosshair, of course, and maybe Wrecker, but never him.

A part of him swelled with pride; she felt close enough to him to lean on him and tell him what was bothering her. All he wanted was to hold her and tell her that it was going to be alright.

But then a few small ripples of guilt began to tap at him. She wasn’t his to hold; she was Crosshair’s cyare, not his. He shouldn’t be thinking about her like this. Beyond the trouble it could cause between him and his brother, he was her squad leader. Even if she did rank higher than him, it was still wrong.

Hunter cleared his throat a little, shifting uncomfortably in his seat until she picked up her head to look up at him.

“Excuse me,” he muttered, getting up from the seat and walking away as quickly as he could, brushing past Echo.

“What’s with him?” Echo questioned, watching the sergeant as he disappeared into the ship’s cargo hold. He looked back to her, an expression of mixed emotions on her face as she frowned down at the data pad. Jaine shrugged, her shoulders falling back down with a sigh.

“Do you ever feel like you’re messing everything up?” she breathed, her voice barely audible.

Echo’s heart sank. “Yeah,” he whispered, taking a seat next to her. He chuckled at the incredulous look he was met with when she looked up at him. “I think it’s just part of being alive.”

Jaine hummed, the pair falling into a peaceful silence.

Tech wasn’t sure where he was. Some type of forest it seemed, but he couldn’t recall landing on a planet with such terrain in this latest string of missions.

He tapped a button on his vambrace. “Hunter? Come in,” he called, but was met with no response. “Hunter? Crosshair?”

He took in his surroundings; he was in a small patch of clover in what seemed to be a large forest of coniferous trees. There were no signs of any fauna or even other sentient beings. A sun hung low in the clear sky, casting the forest with the soft colors of the first hints of twilight.

“Hello?” he called, eyes still scanning the forest.

“Hello,” a soothing, feminine voice answered, but he couldn’t tell where it came from.

“Where are you?” he asked. “Who are you?”

“I am sure you have many questions, mird’ika,” the voice seemed to chuckle. “You always have.”

“Do I- have we met?”

“I know you, but you have yet to meet me.”

Tech felt his heartbeat and breath become faster, less steady, as a small ball of light hovered in front of him, the voice emanating from it.

“Do not worry, mird’ika, I present no threat to you.”

“Why do you keep calling me that?”

“There are no proper translations in your Galactic Basic or Mando’a for the Qoljaki nicknames she has given the five of you.”

“Qoljaki? Do you mean Jaine?”

“Yes; my child is quite fond of you.”

Tech felt his cheeks start to warm at the thought, but quickly chastised himself; don’t think of her that way.

The light giggled. “Why should you not? She cares deeply for you.”

“Can you-”

“Hear your thoughts?” the voice smiled. “Only when you are in my domain.”

“What ‘domain’ is this?” he asked, continuing to inspect the forest around him.

“It is difficult to explain in a language you would understand. Perhaps think of it like a dream.”

Tech’s head was spinning. “Who are you?”

“A very long time ago, I had many names from all those who believed, but only one remains. I am what my child calls a ‘Chromira’.”

“One of the Qoljaki gods?”

The Chromira hummed noncommittally. “That is what those of that moon believed. We used to be blessed with many children. But eventually they all moved on. Some stopped believing in us, others died out. The people of Qoljak were the last of our children.”

“Why am I here?”

“You’re always looking for answers, mird’ika,'' the Chromira chuckled. “It seems this time in your search, you found me.”

“I believe I have many further questions now,” Tech scowled, pulling another laugh from the Chromira.

“I would expect no less,” she said, the smile evident in her voice. “Where should you like to begin?”

“‘Messing everything up’?” Crosshair repeated, the confused scowl unmoving from his face. “What could she possibly be messing up?”

“I’m not sure,” Echo frowned. “She and Hunter were talking and he rushed out of the room when I got there.”

“I swear if that di’kut upset her again-”

“Easy, Cross,” Echo said, his hand finding Crosshair’s shoulder. “You should just talk to her.”

Crosshair sighed. “Yeah, you’re right.”

A wild grin spread across Echo’s face. “Wait, say that again?”

“Oh, fuck off,” Crosshair groaned, elbowing Echo’s ribcage lightly.

“No, it was something else; I think you said that I’m right. Don’t worry, baby brother, I won’t tell anyone else!”

As Hunter sat on the edge of his bunk, he was happy to see that Tech was actually asleep, and deep enough that he would occasionally twitch or mumble. It didn’t seem like an unpleasant dream, so Hunter left him alone. He was feeling guilty for basically running away from Jaine earlier, but figured she’d probably been swept up into his brother’s arms by this point, so he didn’t dare go back to the galley where he’d left her. No, he’d stay here for a while, maybe attempt to doze off.

But he couldn’t be that lucky, he discovered as Wrecker came into the bunk rooms, plopping down onto his bunk with a heavy sigh.

“What’s with you?” Hunter asked, not bothering to open his eyes to peek at his brother.

“I was trying to talk to Jainey but then Cross came in and took her away,” Wrecker replied, almost in a whine.

Hunter opened one eye. “Really?”

“Yeah! He came in and whispered to her and then dragged her into the medbay. I just wanted to ask if she was okay. She looked sad.”

The sergeant couldn’t help the way his heart lurched at the idea. The twist of guilt in his gut pained him. “Did you talk to her?”

“No, Cross came in before I could say anything.”

“Shouldn’t be surprised,” Tech mumbled from his bunk, his words slurred with sleep.

Wrecker scowled. “Huh?”

“What do you mean?” Hunter grunted, barely opening his eyes to peek at his brother.

“He’s always been strongly protective of that which he believes is his.”

“Jainey isn’t his,” Wrecker chuckled nervously. “Is she?”

Hunter all but growled. “A person can't belong to anyone.”

“I believe in a social context, ‘belonging’ to someone refers to being in an intimate and or romantic relationship with that being,” Tech explained, ignoring the groan from Wrecker. “Therefore, the question is whether or not Jaine is in an intimate and or romantic relationship with Crosshair.”

“Talk to me, cyare,” Crosshair, hummed, his arms wrapping around her from behind.

Jaine sighed, the words teetering at the tip of her tongue. He pressed a gentle kiss on her temple, before turning her to face him.

“What’s going on in that brain of yours?” he whispered. His gaze was piercing.

“I’m…worried,” she began delicately, pulling herself out of his arms to busy herself with putting away some bandages. “I’m worried that…this may be causing problems within the squad.”

Crosshair scowled a little, moving to stand at her side, leaning against the counter. “Cyare, Echo told me about what you’d said to him earlier. Is that what’s worrying you? That you’re ‘messing everything up’?”

Jaine’s motions slowed for a moment to heave a deep sigh. “It just feels like I’ve been causing problems for all of you since I was assigned here.” Her voice became a little erratic as she began to shift her weight back and forth between her legs nervously. “Kenobi said that this is where I am meant to be, but how can it be? Not only have I been hurting you all since I stepped into your barracks, I’ve caused you all to step away from your duties.”

“That’s not-”

“Crosshair,” she interrupted, her voice faltering a little and slipping into a harsh whisper. “I know what happens to clones who can’t keep up with their assignments.”

The fear behind her voice struck him silent. Her hands fidgeted at her sides and Crosshair could see the tiny hints of red sparks forming in her palms. Her eyes searched the space in front of her, as though she were reading invisible holoscreens.

“Jaine, please don’t even think about leaving us again,” he whispered, ignoring the way she winced and turned away from him, and placed a hand on her shoulder. “Kenobi is right. This is where you belong; here, with us. They need you here. I need you here.”

She turned and gave him a half-hearted smile and a kiss on the cheek. “Thanks, Cross,” she mumbled, grabbing her datapad and heading out of the room.

Thanks for reading! - River

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eyedelater · 2 years

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i have written a post to encompass every thought i have had about the golden kamuy character ogata hyakunosuke. i couldn't help writing it, and here it is. it includes analysis, interpretation, confusion, thoughts about shipping, and spoilers all the way to the end of the manga.

the post is incredibly long because i wanted it all in one place... i'm sure that much of this has been said by other people, but i haven't read anything anyone else has said. this is purely between me and canon. i have now read golden kamuy through twice and watched the anime once. i missed a lot on the first read, and i probably missed some things on the second read too.

i can't help but love the character ogata hyakunosuke. i know a lot of it is the character design: sneaky eyes with built-in eyeliner, greasy all-back hairstyle with a powerful ahoge (and don't try to tell me an ahoge is not what it is), little beard that somehow skirts past my strong dislike for nasty little beards. he's so crafty… he's sorta weak in close combat… he's completely wrong about things such as killing one's parents and the nature of guilt… he's confident right up until he isn't…

normally if a character captures my interest like this, i want to ship them with another character so i can be satisfied by looking at amusing fanart of them outside of canon. but there honestly isn't anyone i want to pair him with… the fact of his eventual death notwithstanding. (i don't ship dead characters. too sad.) he's great as a cruel and calculating loner who thinks he knows what he wants but doesn't. i don't feel a need to see fun and exciting shipping antics with this character in particular. i will to look at some fanart to see what i can get out of it, but i'm really satisfied by just what happens in canon. and yet i still feel like i have to make sense of these feelings, so i'm writing a post that nobody asked for (just like all my other posts).

i'm annoyed with myself because as i was first reading golden kamuy, it took a long, long time to dawn on me that there MUST be people who think of ogata hyakunosuke as their favorite silly little cinnamon roll and make obnoxiously cute posts about what he would do in domestic situations and stuff. as we learned more about him, i became certain that some people must feel that way, Despite Everything. and i was so very annoyed by the thought of it that i decided to make it a point to dislike ogata… to buck the trend. to avoid biting the fandom bait. BUT IT DIDN'T WORK………… he grew on me… ugh. i still really, really don't want to see fluffy fics with him or anything like that though. god. i have less patience than ever for fandom content that cutesifies every character. especially fucked up weird horrible men like him <3

it's an incredibly audacious move to create a merciless sniper character who killed three (3) members of his closest family (and who knows how many soldiers) and then also give him explicitly catlike characteristics and behaviors, all the while knowing that everyone loves cats!!! (slams table.) fuck off! noda-sensei had to have been trying to induce brain-melting levels of cognitive dissonance in the minds of horny readers who desperately want catboy hyakunosuke to be their poor little meow meow but also want to cancel him for being a bad dude. i'm not immune

i like ogata in kind of the same way i like crocodile one piece. they're weird and smug and fun to watch. and of course, they're similar in some ways. the greasy all-back hair with pieces falling down, and the facial stitches, and the excessive confidence, and their voice actors being perfect. and, you know, the being villains who are eventually defeated. crocodile lets out his slow laugh whenever he feels things are going his way, and ogata just does a little shit-eating grin, and they're both perfect. key difference: ogata gets naked

i have been made aware that a non-zero amount of people ship ogata with asirpa, and those people might benefit from being run over by a car. asirpa is excluded from shipping of any sort, no exceptions, because she is 13 years old and 95% of the other characters are (bizarre, horrible) adult men. the fact that she has a one-sided crush on sugimoto for some amount of time is perfectly natural and reasonable given the circumstances (i believe that anyone would fall in love with sugimoto if they were in her place). the relationship between sugimoto and asirpa is that of a wonderful, wholesome, and strong found family.

back to ogata. i liked that during his first appearance, he gets his arm broken, gets beaned on the back of the head with his own gun, falls into a ravine, hits his face on a cliff, and bounces off the cliff into the icy river. that was so early in the story that his character design wasn't even nailed down yet, and that scene can be easy to forget, but it should be remembered. i like when ogata gets shot in the chest and the shoulder. i like when we get just a little snapshot of ogata knocked out cold at the stenka. i like the flashback of masked ogata getting his face bloodied by teen koito and then having to pretend like it never happened even though he's pissed. i like when ogata gets the snot beat out of him by usami. this is not a toga-himiko-like aesthetic preference for a man's bloody and beat-up body. rather, i love how he has strong (and justified) confidence in his one skill (sniping) and therefore seems confident overall but keeps getting busted up anyway because he's weak in close combat. it's a good dissonance.

i love seeing ogata smugly perched on things… it's like, "ah, there he is…!"

i love ogata feeling guilty about only the worst murder he committed and none of the others… he was testing his limits, and he found them. it didn't stop him from killing again, but he never got over it either.

i love ogata being the only one who chose not to hold hands and jump at the beach scene… doesn't want to make a fool of himself… but he made a funny face when he got beaned in the back of the head, didn't he. i like the ogata who gets made a fool out of.

after the ordeal with anehata shiton, ogata said that all men feel regretful and disgusted after they shoot their load. probably that's all he's ever felt, doing it with prostitutes and such, if at all. makes a little note in my notebook

ogata does terribly cruel things, and he must recognize to some degree that people will see his actions as cruel, but he doesn't do it for the sake of being cruel. he is heartless, but only when he feels he has a reason. everything is analyzed based purely on how it will affect him, and he acts that way consistently throughout the entire story. he can mime kindness if he has to, but clumsily. he cultivates a trusting relationship with asirpa purely because he understands that nopperabou is her father. he goes along with what sugimoto wants purely for convenience and because he understands how strong/dangerous sugimoto is. he shoots wilk, despite knowing that he is asirpa's father and that she will be very upset, purely because he wants to limit the spread of whatever information wilk has about the gold. he shoots sugimoto, his ally for months, not to be cruel, not as revenge for almost killing him that one time, but to eliminate a potential complication to his plan. the only one he really needs in his party is asirpa, and all asirpa is to him is the key to the gold, and all the gold is to him is a path to climb the ranks to prove that his father was worthless. his behavior is unpredictable on first read, but when rereading, it's incredibly consistent. his lack of guilt is entirely premised on what he can justify to himself, and he's great at justifying anything in his own mind. but there is a limit, and yuusaku was that limit; what haunts him most about yuusaku's death is that this time, he can't justify it. he didn't have a good reason. that causes a crack in the foundation of his entire personality, and when he gets acute aconite poisoning from asirpa's arrow, the anxiety it brings is what causes that crack to spread and his entire ego to collapse.

can someone count how many panels feature ogata's face and then also count how many of those panels show him smoothing back his greasy hair and give me some kind of ratio? i think it's high. i think the ratio is high. though i didn't notice until a couple hundred chapters in. but on reread it's like yeah, every other ogata panel, he's got his hand on his head. i do like when an author commits to a tic. no one else in the story has such an obvious repeating tic, i think. he even gets a nade nade (pet pet) sound effect when he's smoothing his hair repeatedly out of nervousness (after he shot the reindeer by accident).

have i mentioned i hate nasty little beards but ogata's slides right in under the gate? that's another cognitive dissonance for me, and it's tough. hard to get over this one.

"daily affirmations i Can be normal about that man"

~quote from deleted post by a tumblr user who maybe doesn't want credit bc they deleted their post

he dishes out smug grins when things are going his way, but he dishes out WRY grins when things AREN'T going his way! hoargh! (throwing up hands)

it's worth noting, to defend my honor, that ogata is not the only one who grew on me. everyone grew on me. another important one is tsukishima, who i admit i wasn't paying very much attention to until they started heading toward karafuto (during the first reading) and then i was like, that was the guy in the coal mine... right? oh, he's been there The Whole Time. and his design didn't change very much. he grew on me a lot. first you think snake nose, but then you think bunny nose. (someone on pixiv said gorilla nose? i don't like that…) his little beard doesn't strike me as nasty either (why not?? i don't know.) of course, koito was the boy of the hour as soon as he first appeared, and i paid a normal amount of attention to him. (the only part of his design that changed is that his eyebrows got stronger and his parted hair got fixed. actually his part seems to fluctuate between messy and neat.) i really like the dynamic of koito being a needy younger pain-in-the-ass to tsukishima while outranking him and being taller than him. in japanese, tsukishima always addresses him with polite speech, and koito rarely even addresses tsukishima with an honorific. tsukikoi seems to be a good and semi-wholesome ship… you know, semi-wholesome. listen, they end up together forever at the end, so it's fine. you guys can make obnoxiously cute posts about what they would do in domestic situations if you want. so anyway, it's not just ogata who got my attention. but it is ogata who this post is about, so let's end this paragraph and leave room for more notes.

Noda-sensei will use any and every opportunity to show you the silhouette of a dick and balls swinging around during an action scene where people happen to be naked. However, he doesn't do that with Ogata. The reason is that he wants you to remember that Ogata is a serious bad guy character and doesn't want you laughing at his dick and balls. For the same reason, he also precludes Ogata from partaking in the horny otter sumo wrestling. In this essay, I will-- ok just kidding, they showed his dick and balls when he kicked koito in the face. and then they showed that exact panel again a few chapters later. with his dick and balls again.

i bet the hyaku in hyakunosuke is obviously referring to getting a 100% hit rate. (hyaku means 100, same kanji and everything. -nosuke is a common ending for a boy's name.) or to put it in sogeking terms, 100 shots, 100 hits, lu lu la la lu

it's interesting that out of the 4 people we see tsurumi gratuitously manipulate into loyalty, ogata is the only one where it doesn't stick very well. to be fair, tsurumi played his game with ogata a bit differently than with the others. he helped ogata kill his father and promised to help him rise through the ranks, but ogata didn't understand at first that tsurumi had an ulterior motive that would make hanazawa's death a win-win for him. it was usami who brought up mantetsu and made ogata understand he was being manipulated. but even knowing that, he thought tsurumi might uphold the other part of his end of the deal by helping ogata get into the army academy, so he was willing to play along. of course, tsurumi's time was split between everyone he was trying to manipulate (as well as pursuing his main goals), so everything couldn't happen at once. another problem was that each of them wanted to be daddy's only special little boy, and ogata was no exception, so he got impatient upon seeing him pay attention to the others and thought tsurumi wasn't working to help him fast enough. it was only when ogata decided that tsurumi wasn't holding up his end of the deal that he decided to betray him by working for central (in the hopes that central could uphold a similar deal instead). i think i'm getting that right. compared to what tsurumi did for tsukishima, he didn't do that much for ogata. but tsukishima was his masterpiece of manipulation-- look how much he got out of him. in the end, tsurumi wanted to cultivate soldiers who are dogs among sheep, but of course, ogata is a cat in that metaphor…

i didn't read the manga well enough the first time and was thinking that ogata's failure to advance in the ranks was because he just wasn't really good at anything but sniping, and sniping wasn't properly appreciated by the higher-ups. while those two things are basically true, i now understand that he couldn't get promoted because he didn't attend the necessary school and was ineligible for any promotion above his current rank, regardless of his skills. and that's why his roundabout desire to climb in the ranks was hinged on his going back to school, which he couldn't do without the help of either tsurumi or central. so complicated…

people ship ogata and sugimoto, and i'm really torn about that. they do look kinda good together, but first and foremost, sugimoto deserves better (and he deserves a character who doesn't die at the end). i also think that the dynamic between those two is not that fun or interesting-- yeah, they almost kill each other and then save each other, etc., and that's fun, but i mean all the other interactions. i think there's not that much potential between them. plus ogata shoots him in the head. maybe that part should have come first and foremost. he does shoot the man in the head. that being said, of course, there's not a lot of great options for sugimoto to begin with, so i understand when people want to put him with ogata-- they need someone for sugimoto to be horny with, and they need someone for ogata to be horny with. like, who else do we have for sugimoto? shiraishi? you could argue for it… tanigaki? but what he has with inkarmat is pretty good, and i hate to sully canon romances by shipping against them. kiroranke? dies. anyone in the army? they're living in different worlds at the end of the story… just not a lot of great options for sugimoto, who deserves the best. also, if ogata and sugimoto had anything between them, ogata's death would make sugimoto sad, and i wouldn't like that.

shiraishi/ogata might be funny though. i like that scene when shiraishi is like "boy am i hungry!" to the man with a gun who likes to hunt and ogata doesn't say anything or look at him. (other good options for shiraishi include kiroranke [who dies] and boutarou [who dies]. that's 3 for 3 dead. unfortunate.)

i saw some ogata fanart. some artists like to give him Sneaky Squints and Crafty Grin all the time. he is sneaky, and he has distinctive eyes, but i think canon makes it clear that Sneaky Squints and Crafty Grin is a very rare special occasion thing, and a huge majority of the time he only has Glassy Eyes and nothing at all going on with the mouth. and that is the righteous truth. in a manga, facial expressions are a very important part of characterization, especially for characters who are always around but not always involved, so i prefer fanart where people try to emulate (and exaggerate) the faces a character makes in canon instead of assigning their preferred faces to a given character. (an unrelated example of this assigning of preferences would be taking two complex characters and turning one into Stoic Seme and the other into Weepy Uke. it is shocking how thoroughly and audaciously people will squish characters into those two molds. what a waste of time.) i get that i'm probably in the top 1% of sticklerism when it comes to wanting characters to adhere strictly to canon in certain ways, but it's because i strongly feel that canon ogata who is making a neutral Ogata Face 95% of the time and a rare Other Face 5% of the time is true and beautiful. to sully that by tailoring his character to your preferences is your prerogative, but to hate that is also my prerogative. not that i would ever leave negative comments or anything along those lines, ever. because that's stupid and a waste of time. the most time i will waste in that way is the time it takes to write what i've been writing here.

ogata dakimakura is permitted but it has to be ogata laid up on a stretcher, wrapped up, splinted arm, with his face all puffy after getting dumped in the river by sugimoto. or it has to be ogata standing up wearing his uniform complete with little cape and his gun on his back and looking through his binoculars into the distance. or it has to be a watchtower spanning the length of the pillow and ogata is perched in it, looking through his binoculars into the distance.

i hate the relationship between ogata and usami. usami is the ultimate slimy little dog (derogatory). nasty little freak usami. ogata is wrong about almost everything, but he was right about usami being the cheapest piece on tsurumi's gameboard. nasty little wannabe sexual predator usami. that scene where ogata's like "i'm normal, right?" and usami is affirming all the things he's wrong about, it's like, the man is fucked up enough already! i can't believe i'm saying this, but you're a corrupting influence on him! i don't like how usami calls ogata "hyakunosuke" like they're friends… tsurumi calls him that because he's manipulating him and a cool dad calls his special little boy by his given name, but usami fucking hates him, and yet he calls him that anyway. something gross about it. usami's death was perfect. nasty little death. and i liked how ogata kept quiet due to bullet in mouth while usami was going on and on saying whatever he wanted while he beat the shit out of him, and then usami left after getting shot, and ogata felt compelled to say his one-liner to himself. fuckin nerd

i like the ogata who is seriously, seriously wondering if he's being haunted by his brother's ghost.

i think my one main beef with everyday heroes scans, who did an overall great job scanlating, is that they should have kept honorifics. keeping honorifics is a tough choice to make for a translator because it can be confusing for an english reader, especially when you come across one that's out of the standard few. but i was very surprised to find upon watching the anime that sugimoto calls asirpa "asirpa-san"; i had no way of knowing that in the manga! even though she's so much younger than him, even when their relationship becomes very close, even when yelling out her name in moments of desperation, he keeps the honorific. it might just be out of habit, but i think it indicates how much he respects her. it might be small, but something is lost by omitting the -san. honorifics and the ways people address each other are very important in japanese, and because this story takes place chiefly in japan, chiefly among japanese (and japanese-speaking) characters, i think keeping honorifics would have been perfectly appropriate in this circumstance. i also think it would have clarified some things for the readers rather than confusing them. (for contrast, it would make perfect sense to omit honorifics in a story that doesn't take place in japan but just happens to be written in japanese… though some meaning would still be lost.) (side note: EH scans does in fact keep some honorifics: the ainu word "nispa.") and sometimes, omitting the honorific in a context where it is important can make the translated wording MORE awkward. the example i'm thinking of is when ogata is recovering in the hospital and the scanlation shows him muttering, "yuusaku… sir…" now i'm 98% sure that ogata called yuusaku "yuusaku-dono," even though younger siblings typically get no honorifics, because yuusaku outranked him (and also maybe to show distance between them), and that's what he's muttering in that scene. i think it's less weird to call your younger half-sibling "-dono" in japanese than it would be to call your younger half-sibling "sir" in english. it's an in-between level of respect (and distance) that doesn't exist in english. so it became weirder in english, and leaving the honorific would have preserved that meaning. well, i do respect that EH scans made their decision about honorifics in the very beginning and then stuck with it to the very end. i guess it would have been worse if they selectively added in SOME honorifics when they thought it was important. but my opinion is that they should have made the decision to keep honorifics from the beginning.

in chapter 283, ogata falls asleep on the train and dreams of his mother singing a traditional song to him about how the way there is easy, but the way back is scary. i think the symbolism is clearly that it was easy for him to kill his mother and his brother, but it's not easy (or possible) to take it back. it's a one-way path that he chose. it's another subconscious manifestation of his feelings of guilt.

now here is something i've been puzzling over but which everyone but me has probably already made sense of. i think this is the only part of the manga that has stuck with me BECAUSE i am confused by it. chapter 199, page 6. kidnapped koito otonoshin, whose father just told him over the phone that he cannot be saved, is saying something heartbreaking in reply, and one of his captors is rubbing his back as if to comfort him. what else could that be but a comforting hand? am i mistaken? and it's got to be important because it takes up THREE panels! now, if you're like me and you've decided that tsukikoi is the OTP of golden kamuy, your first thought was to want tsukishima to be the one under the white hat, and ogata is the one watching disapprovingly because he's a jerk. but otonoshin smacks and bloodies the face of man in the white hat with the back of his head, and the wounds we later see (and basically everything else) make it clear that the white hat was ogata. (then of course they put those hats on russian-looking corpses that they obtained… somehow. kidnapped off the street?) (side note: when they take the white hat and mask off one of the corpses, otonoshin should have been suspicious right away, because that guy's nose wasn't bloodied or anything. but i'll let his lack of perception slide given the circumstances. unless he remembers it in a later chapter and i'm the one who forgot.) anyway, so it was clearly ogata who rubbed otonoshin's back, which seems really weird and out of character. i was thinking that it must have been that tsurumi gave them orders along the lines of not completely breaking the kid's will and making sure he isn't too physically or emotionally hurt (or else he and his father wouldn't be usable in the future). this would gel with the fact that tsurumi seems slightly surprised/perturbed when commander koito says he's going to tell otonoshin to die for his country (because of course that's not what tsurumi wants or had planned for). so maybe ogata interpreted those orders, thought otonoshin was giving up on life, and decided that he should make sure the kid's will wasn't completely broken by providing a little comfort. and then the glare from the black hat is tsukishima with a sentiment like, "you're giving the game away, you dumb piece of shit! captors wouldn't do that! ESPECIALLY IF THEY DON'T SPEAK JAPANESE!" but another possibility occurs to me. we heard from ogata when he was pointing his gun at huci that he doesn't want to just kill someone's grandma if he can help it. he's a cold-blooded killer when he thinks he has a reason, but maybe he does have the thinnest sentimental streak when it comes to people he does not perceive as a threat. so maybe that thin streak is showing here? kidnapping some weak kid might have been the dirtiest work tsurumi had ever put him up to at that point. (did he kill his father before or after this? but was that even dirty work to him, when he felt he had a good reason?) maybe he honestly felt emotionally reluctant to traumatize a defenseless 16-year-old like that, so he reached out to comfort him without thinking. i wonder what is the fandom consensus about that page, yet i feel reluctant to look it up… but whichever scenario it is, tsukishima's glare has to be him thinking, "man, you suck at dirty work." (and afterward, ogata glares at otonoshin because he's angry and humiliated that he underestimated how much of a threat a bound 16-year-old posed to him.)

EDIT: regarding the above paragraph, i think i've realized the correct interpretation. it's not that the situation of kidnapping a kid has activated ogata's thin sentimental streak. it's the specific circumstances of the lines that were just said: commander koito saying he could not save otonoshin, and otonoshin apologizing to his father and asking him to pretend he had never been born. that combination of circumstances was maybe the only thing that could flip ogata's empathy switch enough to make him reach out a comforting hand. he probably feels with great certainty that if he himself had ever been kidnapped and held for ransom, his own father would have told him to die for his country as well, and he might even have said a similar line in response. the pain otonoshin felt in that moment was so clear to ogata that he couldn't help but comfort him... it's a key emotional character development moment for ogata... with his face covered... but of course he misinterpreted otonoshin's resilience and that's how he got his nose bashed.

i cried a lot when i first read ogata's death chapter, and i cried a lot the second time too. i think noda-sensei might be a genius… one thing that didn't register on first reading was that ogata must have enjoyed the time he spent traveling with asirpa and the others in a way, even if he didn't exactly realize it. asirpa reminded him of yuusaku, not just in her innocence, but in the way she trusted him and ate with him and joked with him and treated him as if he were "normal" (when he believes he isn't normal). ogata was yearning for familial love his whole life; he just fixated on getting it only from his father, which wasn't going to happen, and ignored what he got from his mother and his brother. yuusaku was the only one who loved him, but he got some of that warm familial feeling from asirpa and the others as well, even though he usually acted cold. (i think he said "hinna" primarily to manipulate asirpa... but maybe after saying it, he felt happy.) and now, not only did he have to deal with his mistake of killing yuusaku, but here he was trying to kill asirpa too! not only that, but he was corrupting her into killing HIM, and he thought he wanted that, but he didn't! he couldn't even accept his old guilt, and now he was foolishly inflicting new guilt, as if by compulsion! it's so painful! as he breaks down, we see him realizing his mistake in real time, how his goal of proving his father worthless was itself worthless all along, how he didn't actually need to kill any of his family, how he was following the wrong path based on his delusions and misunderstandings his whole life, and it hurts him so much… and he tries to deny it, but he's having it explained to him by himself, and he can only trust himself… whenever he felt conflicted about anything, he would just find some way stamp out the opposing view and believe in himself, but now, both sides were him, so he couldn't do that, and as a result, he was defeated. the chapter was very emotionally powerful… he died a coward's death because, never having confronted his guilt before, he couldn't imagine being able to live with it… and vasily found his body by the railroad tracks and painted his fursona.

you could ship ogata with vasily but the fact remains that they spend vasily's entire span of appearance in the manga in a fight to the death and then one of them dies. also he shot vasily in the mouth. you can't shoot a mouth with your gun and then try to kiss it later. that's inappropriate

the last time ogata shoots sugimoto, he doesn't aim for the head. it's as though he learned his lesson. but it still didn't work, did it?

i saw the ogata nendoroid and took damage from it. hate it. i don't want any more chibis...

it seems that some things are changed in the volume releases of golden kamuy. i have only read the scanlated magazine releases. i wonder if i can be content to decide that this is the end of my ogata post when i don't know if any important ogata details were changed in the volumes. i would also like to read and compare the official translation. one thing i want to see in the volume releases is if noda-sensei ever goes back and adds teeth to the white voids of characters' mouths. it is incredibly clear to me that noda-sensei truly, viscerally hates drawing teeth. that's fair, but i do prefer even the vaguest semblance of teeth to a white void of a mouth. when he does draw teeth, they usually look perfectly passable. anyway, my next project will be deciding how to get my hands on the official translated volumes and then rereading again.

i think that might be all i have to say about ogata hyakunosuke right now.

#golden kamuy #ogata hyakunosuke #hyakunosuke ogata #golden kamuy spoilers

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cladestruction · 8 months

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PART II of my super long aotd thoughts (and prayers) commentary/analysis extravanganza🤪

warning: spoilers. repetition of words/expressions hehe. badly written (english is not my first language lol). looong text. curse words. biased opinions because this is my blog and i get to do with it as i please.

previously: part I

Murderface slowly begins to be taken over: oooh boooy. now this arc, oof. i really like this arc. Murderface is a dick. a lot of times during the show i found myself losing my temper at him. but he adds a lot of fun to the band dynamic and it’s very sweet whenever we get to see more of him outside his shitty ego-driven behavior. a lot of my favorite episodes are those where we get glimpses of how much pain Murderface hides under his shitty personality. and this movie went ballistic on developing his character! big big fan. it was genuinely terrifying (for me at least lol) to see him deal with horrible visions by himself. he is scared but also doesn’t do much to fight it? and we never see him seek help, which adds salt to the wound. he is like that after all: he holds very little regard for his own safety and when things are serious he doesn’t trust anyone to help him. he puts on long sleeves and keeps going. Salacia was actually smart to get him and exploit his fears and weaknesses, but that’s exactly why i hate him with my whole being.

Establishing band roles and brewing conflict: Knubbler carried this entire section of the movie, case CLOSED. he is funny, sassy, he knows how to deal with the boys and the man knows about music. he is the best man for the job and i love him for that. also he planted the seed of the family trope and that’s gospel. moving on, i really like how the writing challenge was presented: the central subject being to deliver a message and reach out to those important to you. moving on, yeah yeah nickels band parents, nothing new. sister Toki is my favorite thing ever and Skwisgaar IS the older brother, argue with the wall. but MURDERFACE!!! the way he talks about his role on he band was heartbreaking. my man has no self-esteem and that’s tragic. it’s also a great parallel between him and Nathan, who also doesn’t seem to know his own place in the band (and in the world). they both need to work on themselves and THAT’S the movie, actually. Skwisgaar and previously Pickles are very focused and Toki keeps his colorful thinking and joyful manners and that really healed something in me. finally, the slow zoom on Murderface as he listens to the band talk shit about him made a hole in my heart. the following scene of him in his bedroom was genuinely chilling and it establishes how he was going to sabotage the song of salvation. great work.

Nathan vs the internet: ANOTHER AMAZING SCENE. dethklok vs tabloids/bad press is 1. a very fitting commentary of what fame and stars have to deal with and 2. something we know does get to them because it was established on the show before (Dethvanity). the fact that it comes back to haunt Nathan now at his lowest is just genius. it continues building up tension and it’s exquisite. the headline “Explosion in Flop Era” was not in my bingo cards but ugh it’s GREAT, and the “Brave Woman Refuses Proposal” was amazing to see, because it’s true! Abigail was very brave for standing her ground and we should say it. also, i liked it even more because women tend to be treated horribly in the media and considering Abigail is a character that even fans of the show cursed and trashed irl, i like that this movie went against that. i absolutely adore how Nathan called his parents for advice/support (and we get to see baby Nathan yipee! and they have a cat??? cute), his relationship with his parents is very important and i like that it was acknowledged even in such a short scene.

TRAINING MONTAGE YIPEE!!!: the Knubbler rage fit was so great. i laughed so much. he is such a drama queen and yeah go off babe!!! then the scene establishing the guitar tuner??? genius. it also hints that Toki lost practice and some of his abilities after dsr and that’s just great storywise, i love when events have consequences lol. the scene of Murderface discovering the army was sooo cool, and Skwisgaar following??? tbh i’m a sucker for every Skwisgaar moment in this franchise, he is amazing and he IS the moment. and the way he speaks to Murderface the morning after??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? sexiest man alive PERIOD. moving on, Pickles cheering Nathan as he climbs to the tree was so cute! it carries on with his desperation on being Nathan’s boy best friend™, and how concerned he looks when Nathan doesn’t make it to the top is perfect because it means that he thinks he is failing himself at being a good friend. moving on, Nathan struggling to write was so cool! the lines “i don’t know what salvation is” “hope isn’t a metal concept” “people don’t come to me for salvation” and “i sing about death” were so raw in my opinion, and so true! Nathan is a lyrical genius and in universe people live AND die for his gutsy, bloody, brutal lyrics. but he could also feel caged because of that same reason. if he wishes for something more, something not brutal like a family and being happy, he must feel like he isn’t allowed those things. they’re not for him. they’re not what he does. and he even shows doubt about what he is good at, as he is now lacking confidence due to Murderface’s previous doings. and when Knubbler asks if that’s what he feels is the song of salvation he just… gives up. he doesn’t think the song is going to save anyone, but he is too scared and sad to try anything else. it’s also painful how after Murderface says “i think this plan sucks” Nathan goes and scratches out the “band” from his list. yeah, he doesn’t communicate with them. he gives up and closes off.

if the world is ending, do drugs!: ok first of all, great sequence. seeing Nathan in different stages of his life was so so BEAUTIFUL. from birth to death, repeating over and over. NOW, THE WHALE. REAL QUEEN. so powerful so calm so cool so wise. i really like seeing Nathan communicate with her (if i’m getting wrong the pronouns please correct me hehe). he looks so sincere and honest, even when he’s telling her how scared he is. it’s refreshing to see him being vulnerable. and the words of the whale are deep, both reassuring and challenging. i really like how she says that basically Nathan writing the “wrong” song is what’s meant to happen, because the real challenge is what he will do afterwards. it’s self-explanatory tho, so i won’t say much. but yeah, i really like all this scene. especially because i share that headcannon of Nathan having visions of the ocean/the whale for all his life. it makes this encounter face to face much more significant.

world’s worst salvation concert: i am a sucker for the parallels between the scenes of the equipment getting ready and Knubbler religiously preparing for the song. FACEBONES IS BACK! GOOD SHIT! when Nathan, SECONDS before starting the song asks himself if this is wrong or not was AMAZING!!! i loved the vertigo of him being already there: no way out, no turn back, no second chances, no time to think. it’s even better when you remember just how distant he is from the rest of the band. nobody else knows how unsure he is (except for Murderface, for obvious reasons) and so he is standing there, in the middle of the stage, fearing that he won’t be able to save anyone. seeing him look fucking terrified as his cue to sing approaches is ugh, cinema. the sequence of people dying was very funny actually, because it felt so much like the early seasons of the show. horrible, absurd and extreme deaths is basically the first thing we see of dethklok back in season 1 so it’s nostalgic. very good sequence. now, when the song cuts off and we see Knubbler concerned i promise you i was holding my heart in my throat. the helicopters in the distance, flying on the bloody red sky is such an amazing visual i can’t stop thinking about it! the concern on Knubbler’s face when he says “how did they find us” is chilling because, if you think about it, Knubbler is actually kind of a normal person, and that’s saying a lot because everyone on this show is on some weird shit. yeah he jokes around and it’s playful and seems relaxed but he is actually very sensible. he is one of the few people working with dethklok who does his job well, takes it seriously and is not afraid to tell the boys when they’re being idiots. the man has recorded albums with dethklok AND survived! and we know just how messy the boys are, professionally speaking. so seeing him be visibly concerned and scared in this scene got me panicking. and when he screams to the boys to run UGH. i choked up. again, he’s worked with them a long time and has gotten to care for them, even when he runs out of patience. and the fact that he’s now also involved in this huge save-the-world plan it’s jarring! imagine if the 5 irresponsible menchildren you’ve been working with, who you’ve cared for and called out and had fun with so many times are suddenly the chosen ones and you have to save their asses once again, this time with the entire world at stake. that’s INSANE.

Chaos™: Toki’s immediate concern over Skwisgaar is just wow. my fucking heart :(((. the look of terror on everyone’s face is amazing and, dare i say, fear is one of the biggest character developments the band goes through together. they’ve seen sooo much fucked up shit in ther lives, individually AND as a group, countless deaths, bloody and gutsy and brutal, but they almost never showed horror before. THIS is what terrifies them. the idea that not only they’re about to die (i have a theory that the boys don’t really fear death, outside of Toki and Skwisgaar maybe), but also the idea that they ultimately failed and everything is just: going to end. they didn’t even finish the song, they weren’t able to reconnect with their fans, they weren’t able to say goodbye to anyone, and nobody’s coming to save them. i actually like the drama of this scene, it adds a lot of weight to the middle of the movie, but i also absolutely HATE IT because fuuuck. the klokateers!!! i should be desensitized by now because we’ve seen klokateers be killed horribly during the entirety of the show but ugh i guess it never stops hurting. they are people, with lives and hearts. yeah they voluntarily and knowingly become gears to protect and sacrifice their lives for dethklok, but it still hurts to see them die. i get it from a storytelling point, because this makes dethklok more desperate and the viewers fear Salacia and the tribunal a little more, but yeah, i don’t enjoy it :(. also, Murderface running away as he screams “please, get out of my head” broke my heart. we see on the show Crozier going through his own personal hell when Salacia mind-controls him, but Murderface sounds in so much pain when he screams. he sounds so helpless, and knowing Salacia must be having a blast in his mind exploiting every single one of his fears, it’s jarring. idk, Murderface is a dick and has done very stupid things but as i watched this movie i found myself wanting to protect him so many times. maybe he is my baby now, who knows.

i’ll end this part here because one of the most painful portions of the movie is coming and i have so much to say it’s not going to fit here. but behold.

#long text sorry!#clade's aotd thoughts and prayers #clade talks #army of the doomstar #metalocalypse #aotd spoilers #army of the doomstar spoilers

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kuiperror · 5 months

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i watched the 2015 film "the danish girl" for my english class and i have to write an essay thats due eod tomorrow SO to get my juices a flowin i'm gonna review the movie here first. spoilers from here on out duh

So this movie was kind of 😐. i knew about lili elbe and gerda wegerner way before this movie , im not like a historian on them but i know that gerda supported lili in her transition and they were still very much together and in love up until the last years of lili's life in 1930 shortly after their marriage was dissolusioned since lilli transitioned and their marriage couldn't be recognized anymore. Also like gerda was a huuuugee woman lover she painted a lot of lesbian erotic art. i was actually really confused most of the film like "ok when is gerda going to start accepting lili and theyre going to be happy with eachother?" but i guess portraying gerda as anything but straight is too much somehow and she needs to rely on a man to help her process the horrible situation of her wife discovering who she is and medically + socially transitioning :(

obviously that was sarcasm , but that does happen in the film. Ok to be real, i will probably finish writing this post, draft a few pages of my essay and rewatch the film again in the morning because im having trouble processing this movie. its earnestly coming off as a nothing burger to me. i was keeping an open mind about how they portray lili's gender awakening and her subsequent female persona as a different person where lili can only be "einar" or "lili" depending on what she is physically presenting as, because this is set in the 1920s and obviously they do not have the same vocabulary and terms for things we do, hindsight is 20/20, that sort of thing. but like. i really expected them to steer away from that way of presenting things, because in the modern-day most (and yes. generalizing but thats how the cookie crumbles in analysis situations) transgender people view their agab self and their "transitioned" self as the same person, because. you really are the same person, you just look differently, a way that is more conjunct with your perception of your gender identity. so i was really expecting lili to start thinking of herself as both "lili" and "einar" or like explain to gerda that she is still the same person she knew, just different, in a way. but no, they keep going on with the "two identities" thing, and while that probably is the way that Real Life lili thought of herself, if the story is going to divert from reality then you can absolutely use fictionilization to your advantage to more clearly explain transgender identities to your cis audience .

one thing i did Not really like was the fact that lili's gender euphoria was always tied with her sexuality. and like. yeah gender ties with sexuality, duh, i would be a fool if i acted like they were seperate, but for lili biggest moments of gender euphoria are portrayed as sensual sexual pleasure. like when a naked gerda pulls off lili's male clothing to reveal a silky camisole underneath or when lili goes to a live peep show and mimics the girl inside, trying to learn to act feminine but stops when the girl sees her (as lili is presenting masculine and doesn't want to raise suspicion) but eventually she loses herself in the pleasure and continues to mimic the girl until she reaches down and remembers she has a penis instead of a vagina and its like... normally i would be cool with this kind of sexual portrayal if this movie was written or directed by a trans person or like 1:1 based off of a trans person's experience but this movie is Obviously made for cis people by cis people. and i would say that a LOT of cishet people, even those who are "allies", think that queer identities are inherently sexual. thats why they say that "children can't be in queer relationships" or that "all trans women / trans people are perverts" because they cant imagine divorcing queerness from sex. and just like the way that the movie refers to lili as having "two identities", this REALLY isnt helping cis audiences understand transppl better.

i think that this movie is helping american society step away from the bare minimum idea that trans ppl (but basically just trans women) are manipulating / abnormal and should only be used in media to point and laugh and say "EWWW the main character had sex with them that's disgusting!!" or "this Trans character is the Villain and they are SOOOO unhinged!" in horror and shit. but it isnt that good at representing like. nuance in gender identity or things like that .

K going to take a break and then continue slaving away at my keyboard

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wannberry · 2 years

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here is a lyric analysis of my favorite song of all time.

tw: sewerslide

Working for the Knife by Mitski

working for the knife by mitski is my favorite song because the lyrics are so beautifully written and each word is so intentional. along with the industrial sound of the instrumental the whole vibe of the song is dark. this song to me is about the effects of capitalism and a 9-5 job on the mental health of a creative individual who never got the opportunity to do something that would make them happier. they are stuck in this horrible cycle of needing a regular job to survive and yearning for a creative outlet that other people would also enjoy.

this lyric shows her sadness and jealousy towards an artist who actually got to use their creative outlet to make a living.

this reflects in the next lyrics:

she wants to make things too. throughout the song the narrator never reveals what she truly wants to do but you get the sense that she wants to show others what she can do creatively. she shows this through the movie line as movies are meant to be watched. songs are meant to be listened to. paintings are meant to be viewed. but she reveals that she can’t do any of these things because she is “working for the knife”. to me, the knife represents a capitalistic system that only harms the people that are a part of it. hence why she calls it “the knife”.

in this part she reflects back on maybe when she was younger and had dreams of being an artist that had an impact on people. she talks about putting herself out there and showing her “stories” to people and she reveals that they didn’t care or they paid no mind to her. her dreams of sharing her art are crushed and she believes that her creative endeavors won’t take her anywhere.

the fact that she adds in the part that her stories are about “no good guys” adds another layer of upsettingly good lyricism. her stories of no good guys are invalidated in a capitalistic society built by men and catered toward men. the no good guys are protected by the uncaring audience.

this lyric is one of my favorites. she feels left behind by the world. she knew that the world moves fast and she needs to keep up but she is still stuck in her younger self wanting more out of this life. she is working for nothing in the end as everyone else seems to be happy with where they are and she is not. she feels alone because of this.

there are two ways i interpret this lyric:

1. in a literal sense, she gets high to avoid the dread of her everyday life. but as she works throughout the day the high wears off and she ends at her lowest point. only to repeat the cycle the next day, getting high again.

or my personal favorite interpretation:

2. every time she starts to have a positive outlook thinking that maybe today will be the day that she breaks free from her dreaded career, she continues on she realizes that she needs the job to keep herself alive even if she isn’t happy with the life she has.

my second interpretation holds true in the next lyric:

again i have two interpretations for this lyric:

1. she used to think she would be very successful at 20, enough so that she could stop working and live happily working on her own projects. but as she has gotten older, she has realized that she has wasted her 20’s waiting for the right time to put herself out there again. maybe she has avoided this out of fear of rejection again but she seems to think her future will forever be her waiting for the perfect moment to share her art again.

2. this is when the song gets very dark and upsetting for me. to me this shows her suicidal thoughts at her inescapable fate. the used to think she would be done by 20 as in she would be so depressed because of her situation that she would end it because she saw no other way out. but as she approaches 30 she still finds herself stuck in her dead end job, unhappy and with no hope for the future. wanting to end it but simply being too busy to do so.

this has parallels with these lyrics from mitski’s other song “Last Words of a Shooting Star”

this shows her struggle with mental health being completely untwined with her work life, this being a reoccurring theme in her music throughout the years. she is very unhappy but can’t even end it because she is too busy to do so. this is so heartbreaking every time i hear it.

anyway.

this lyric is very interesting as she continues the line. she says at 30 she will find a way to change. whether that is through ending it or finally putting herself out there. but this theme is not new as she mentions in the line before. ten years ago she thought the same thing but nothing has changed since then. she obviously has very little faith in herself.

but at the end of this line she changes it to “living for the knife”. this switches from the earlier line “working for the knife”. the line between work and life continues to blur. this only furthers her wanting to cut her work out of her life in one way or another. it could also show that she is only living to keep herself alive.

the choice of what she wants to do with her life is hers. but she has apparently chosen wrong. her choice of keeping the art she wants to share to herself has held her back and has made her feel like she never even had a choice at all. but now that she realizes her mistake of believing there was no other options than working a 9-5, she finds out she picked the wrong thing and it’s too late for her to turn back.

as the last lyrics, they really finish out the song well. she starts the day lying to herself and having hope that one day she will be able to have her dream life, sharing her stories with the world who had left her behind. but she always comes back to the ugly truth: she will never be happy working in a system that has no benefits for her. she has no creative outlet. she has no motivation to do anything other than work. she only works to provide for herself. but the irony of providing for yourself when you don’t care about yourself is present throughout this whole song.

she ends the day with the truth, she is dying for the knife. the thought she had previously of it ending at 30 is gone and she is accepting that she will die while she is still working, whether it be by her own hand or old age. she sees absolutely no way out of her prison of a life. she is working, living, and dying for the knife and it will never be enough to escape.

In conclusion:

i love mitski and i want to kiss her brain for writing the best song of all time. what a great song to hyperfixate on!

woo lord that was a long one but i had fun with this! i went on spotistats the other day and found out i was the number one listener of this song :( i’ve listened to it 1,181 times and i’ve listened for 3,105 minutes. that is clinically insane!

i guess that’s why i have so many thoughts about each lyric.

i also have a whole other theory with this song that i didn’t even get into in this post because this is already so much writing for my little brain. oh well, maybe another time!

#blog #mitski #this is literally my favorite song of all time and if even one single person talks shit about it i will take it so personally #also this took me ages and was it worth it really???#probably

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anamedblog · 2 years

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Pardon, anlamadım… / Sorry, I don't understand…

by Julika Steglich, ANAMED PhD Fellow 2021–2022

Fig. 1. Çurkurcuma Hamamı: a modern and simple-looking solution for the typical skylights of the domes (Photo by the author).

It took me some time to think of a topic to write about for this blog. Looking for inspiration, I wandered the streets of Istanbul, photographing various things that interested me. I came across very modern hamam buildings (Fig. 1) and started to think maybe I could write about bathing culture, since my PhD topic is the analysis of a Roman-imperial thermal bath located in the microregion of Pergamon.

I reconsidered because, firstly, Roman thermal baths are different from modern Turkish hamams in Istanbul and even conventional Roman baths. These differences and recent news about Roman thermal bath research within the whole Roman empire are available to read, for example, in the articles and on the blog of a dear colleague, Silvia González Soutelo (https://healingspasinantiquity.es/news/). Secondly, I was not sure if there is, apart from the tourist attractions, still a Turkish bathing culture at hamams among my generation and younger people in Turkey. So, another option was to visit different hamams and ask the staff and visitors about the current bathing culture. I then remembered my first visit to a hamam in Bergama; I could not understand the woman who worked there trying to explain the process in Turkish to me. She wanted me to lie down and relax. But I had problems with relaxing, since I could not understand what would happen to me. Unfortunately, my Turkish is still limited to basic vocabulary and grammatical knowledge.

And that was the moment when I became more aware of the thing that permanently influences my daily life at ANAMED and in Istanbul: it is the language barrier. Sometimes I even experience some cultural differences with my English-speaking friends, since my native language is German and I grew up in Germany.

Before my time here, I took Turkish courses in Germany and tried to practise vocabulary and grammar regularly. My teachers and quite a few of my fellow students were children of Turkish immigrants. It was interesting to see and learn that they grew up speaking Turkish without knowing the grammar and often even the written version of their mother and/or father tongue. I felt sorry that they could not learn it in elementary school as they had done for German and that they needed to be at university to finally take a Turkish class, even though there is such a large Turkish community in Germany. But I rarely thought about their parents or grandparents and how it must have been to come to Germany in the 1960s, a time when you could not easily use Google translate, internet forums, or Wikipedia to get an idea of what someone wants or what needs to be done. Now I am the yabancı (stranger) in Turkey. It is not fully comparable, since I will leave after the nine months of the fellowship. However, there were moments when I got an idea of what it must have felt like: for example, my first hospital visit here in Istanbul to test for Covid-19. I had a fever and felt horrible. I was standing in line for the registration, and as I am, on the one hand, German and used to standing at a distance from others and, on the other hand, reserved by nature, people did not understand that I was also in line and passed me. When the receptionist simply did not understand me, even though I tried to explain to the person in my best Turkish that I had a fever and needed a PCR test, I was firmly convinced in my feverish delirium that every person in that hospital was terribly rude. Even after a person asked me in English how he could help and repeated my questions in Turkish, I got even more flustered, since I had the feeling that he said almost the same words in Turkish with almost the same pronunciation to the receptionist as me, but this time the receptionist finally understood. When it took me almost half an hour to fill out a very simple registration form for the test, bursting into fits of laughter because Google translate was translating total nonsense, I was ready to apologize personally to every tourist and migrant in Germany for our complicated bureaucracy and every bad experience they had with the German language.

I really wanted to be back at ANAMED, my comfort zone (Fig. 2), where everyone at least speaks English. But of course, my so-called comfort zone also demanded some linguistic thinking from me, and now and then, some information got lost in translation. Sometimes I was even happy about the loss, and sometimes, it caused unnecessary trouble. Of course, not everyone has the exact same experience, but I think we all know those moments when we don't have the energy to leave our comfort zone, when we are relieved to meet someone who speaks the same language, with the same cultural background, where we don't have to explain ourselves so often. This kind of experience may be one of the reasons why foreigners of similar origins often gather in one place and form communities.

Fig. 2. ANAMED terrace: a place made to be a comfort zone (Photo by the author).

But it would be sad if we always stayed in our comfort zone. That is why I want to give some, of course not new, ideas on overcoming such situations to everyone who might sometimes feel and experience the same at ANAMED or in Istanbul:

For English, I can highly recommend that you not only watch TV shows in English but read English newspapers more often. In this way, you will learn the vocabulary for discussing not only academic or simple stuff. But the most important thing is to accept that you need time and practice until you understand and can express almost everything, even in places where it is very loud and crowded. And if you need a quick and excellent translator, use this link: https://www.deepl.com/translator.

For Turkish, the most important words to survive in the first weeks are:

Merhaba – Hello

Teşekkürler – Thank you

Nasılsın? / Nasılısınız? – How are you? informally/formally

Iyiyim, teşekkürler, ya sen? – I'm fine, thank you, and you?

Pardon – Sorry -> You can also use it to get the attention of the waitress or waiter.

Menü, lütfen – Menu, please

Hesap, lütfen – The bill, please

Bir su, lütfen. / Bir su istiyorum. / Bir su alabilir miyim? – A water, please. / I want a water / Can I have a water? -> The last option is the nicest way to ask for something.

Kolay gelsin – Good luck.

Anladım – I understood.

Pardon, anlamadım. – Sorry, I didn't understand.

Don't be discouraged if your pronunciation is not immediately understood. Sometimes people are not expecting you to speak Turkish. Keep on doing it, and the slower you speak, the better the other person will understand what you are trying to say. If they ask you something back and you cannot understand, you can say: "Pardon, anlamadım. Maalesef, sadece biraz Türkçe biliyorum.” – "Sorry, I don't understand. Unfortunately, I only speak a little Turkish." Since you are in Istanbul, you might be lucky, and someone may help you who can also speak English. And even if not, you have your hands and facial expressions, and in the age of internet translators, you are never completely lost.

Another thing you can do is to take a Turkish course with someone recommended by ANAMED and/or try to find a Tandem partner. But be careful if it is a good friend. You might end up drinking beer and talking about everything and anything in English…

If everything does not help and you want to let go of any intercultural understanding during a conversation, you can put your thumb together with your fingertips, move your hand up and down and say "arkadaşım" (my friend). That would be a very Turkish way of expressing the end of your patience. Use it wisely!

Anyway, everything will turn out fine, and maybe you will have a similar experience to mine. Not only do I feel motivated to improve my foreign language skills in general, but the experience also even changed my opinion about my native language. I really had no high opinion of the German language, as it will always be linked to our past and everyone makes fun of the harshness and the absurdity of the articles. I like the sound and grammatical structure of French and Turkish more. But I have noticed, for example, how nice it is that German has so many special words that have no equivalent in English or Turkish. I learned to love my own language, so to speak. This positive experience has somehow inspired me and will give new impetus to the writing process of my dissertation.

I also wish you a great time in Istanbul, and kolay gelsin!

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shirophantomvox · 3 years

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How Illumi, Hisoka, and Chrollo would react to their S/O in the hospital

Hi, anon! You are welcome to join my Discord Server if you are a fan of Hxh, Voltron, or both! I promise this is a safe environment! This is an interesting topic for sure! To the other anon(s), I am working on your request! This will contain both fluff and angst. I forgot to include Leorio in this, so I’ll include him in the next HxH post. You’ll have to forgive me, I have 2 more requests in my inbox and I am not feeling the best. I just got my second Covid shot and it is hurting like hell. Nevertheless, I encourage you all to get your shot if you can. I will be on this site one and off and I should be on it for real next week. I have run out of ideas to write and I began to think I was annoying people with my HxH content (no one said this I just assumed). This post has 1974 words. After these requests are finished, I plan on doing a character analysis for Leorio.

Anyway, let’s get into the post!

We’ll start with Hisoka this time.

Hisoka

In all honesty, this man has heard of a hospital (since he sends a lot of people to it after fights) but has never been in one.

The signs, floors, staircase numbers, and elevators all confuse him. He has only been in one once when he was a kid and has never been again.

He isn’t a social butterfly in this setting because this is a professional establishment and not a college party. Asking for directions takes quite a toll on him because of his established pride. You know guys act when they want to find a destination on their own and will go miles out of the way instead of just asking for direction.

He doesn’t talk to anyone; all he wants to do is find you and make sure you are alright.

He is the tallest person in the freight elevator. So tall that everyone at turns to look at him at once for at least 10 seconds and turn back around surprised.

“How tall is he,” one of the nurses ask.

“Tall enough to be my house!”

This annoys him. He takes out the Joker card and lays it against his thigh but realizes he cannot make any hasty decisions. His bloodlust was activated merely out of irritation and not by threat. You were on his mind and destroying these worthless humans wasn’t an option for today.

He approached the guest desk and waited for about 2 minutes before he was acknowledged.

“May I help you,” a smug receptionist asked. Wow, these people do not know who they’re talking to.

“I’m here to see y/n.”

“Y/n is in room 345. Go down the hall and to the right all the way down.”

This man nearly ran with a quickness! His jester shoes somehow made the floor shake as he ran.

You were awake, eating the horrible food the hospital provided and watching TV. It seemed like you were doing ok, but you had just been in a car accident. Your arms and right leg were still sore. It was so bad that you’d be fine with Hisoka carrying you everywhere.

When you two are alone in serious public places, he doesn’t play games or tricks. He is often portrayed as a ruthless man, but in settings like this, he places the jokes and games aside for later. When he enters your room, he is silent for 30 seconds. Much too long. He was shocked; he walked around your hospital bed, pulled up a chair, and stared at your cast. It had many names written on it.

“Yes, I am ok.”

“I apologize for not being there for you,” he began to say.

“Shh… it’s ok. This is life. It hurts like hell, but I’m a trooper!”

Admiring your cast and its multiple fonts of handwriting and messages, he grabbed a sharpie marker, wrote his name, with a heart and spade next to it. Surprisingly, his cursive was very neat and legible.

“I didn’t know you knew how to write in cursive! Why don’t you write me letters?”

“I see you every day and it hurts my hand.”

The doctor wouldn’t be in for another 1 ½ hours, so Hisoka used your thigh as a pillow as he took a nap. He had been up for countless nights thinking about you. He was screwing up so bad, Chrollo let him leave early.

“As soon as your better, we will fight again. I won’t go easy on you. You won’t be in the hospital but you get the jest.”

Illumi

Illumi isn’t the type of man to overreact in these types of situations. When you both agreed to date each other, you knew you all were tough cookies. You were aware of the dangers of dating an assassin and he knew about the dangers of dating a bounty hunter. People hated you both and you targeted.

One night you both were caught in a vulnerable state. While you both enjoyed chocolate milkshakes at a laid-back 1950’s styled diner, two men were previously thrown out for fighting. While your back was turned one of those men shot your arm, causing you to carelessly throw your body to the ground due to impact.

While everyone else was screaming, Illumi jumped to the ground and tied his hair tie around your arm to temporarily stop the bleeding.

“Illu, why does it feel cold in here,” you managed to breathe out.

His heart dropped to his stomach for the first time in history.

“Don’t say things like that!”

Illumi is already horrible at displaying emotions, but all he could do is frown in fear. Once the EMS came barling in, he demanded that he ride with you.

Illumi hadn’t experienced anything like this since Killua had been injured when he fell from a tree.

You and he were separated when you were rushed into surgery leaving him alone in the waiting room.

When Illumi is stressed and cannot properly display how he feels, he tends to act in “odd” ways.

He begins to furiously turn pages in magazines or bother the receptions every 2 minutes about the status of your surgery. When the woman finally says that you’re still alive, he tones it down a little.

Illumi is open to conforming advice from strangers; he has been receiving it secretly from strangers. Since Silva was busy abusing him, he often found comfort from “the streets”.

He has a bad habit of pacing back and forth and fidgeting in his seat while horrific images fill his mind. All he has seen is pain and even though he was used to it, he didn’t want you to go through it as well.

While sitting in his seat (finally!) and head in his lap, doubled over indescribable sorrow, a little girl walks up to him with her hands folded and a doll under her arms. Illumi feels her presence and looks up. The girl’s curly hair covered her endearing eyes and her smile is wide.

“They’ll be alright. I just know they will,” turning around returning to her mother, the girl said with confidence.

On cue, Illumi placed his hand over his heart, smiling just a little.

He walked quickly to your room once you were out of surgery.

His speed walk mimics one of a soldier; his left arm in since with his right leg. His shoes echoed throughout the hall.

As soon as he enters the room, he shuts the door harder than usual and gives you a tight embrace. This surprises you! You’re lucky if he lays his head on your shoulder!

Illumi had been working out lately. He wanted to beat you in the “squish the melon” contest. He is very competitive and even if he lost, that doesn’t hurt his ego. Not in the slightest. Since it was just the both of you alone, he bends down to hug you tight, so tight that your face is squished against his.

This behavior is only surprising because he usually doesn’t coddle you even when you get hurt, but this time he realized that you could have died from the gunshot wound.

After that he kissed your forehead and almost simultaneously the doctor barreled in just missing the sweet moment between you and your beau.

Chrollo

When Chrollo is holding meetings with the Phantom Troupe, he always appears to be neutral. That is very important. A leader has to show strength even through the worst/hurtful times of their lives.

Chrollo had gotten a call from Nobunaga that you had gotten hurt on a mission and had actually gotten captured by the enemy. Phinks was able to get you back but you suffered horrible injuries.

This is protocol; they do this for any of the members. The troupe was oblivious to the fact that you and Chrollo were dating. They thought you were here to replace Uvo.

In situations like this, he is calm on the outside but screaming on the inside. Common sense will tell you if you are startled by the news you’ve just received and you begin to drive, you could cause more harm on the way to your destination.

Chrollo is very silent; he doesn’t call to check on your status or anything; he would rather see it for himself.

You were a trooper! After all, you are dating a dangerous robber.

Chrollo already knew what room you were in so he just went.

“I knew I should have kept y/n by my side. Y/n insisted on doing my dirty work that they almost died! How foolish could I have been?” He constantly cursed himself for letting his guard down with you.

He always gave you room to think and complete your own tasks but he can’t help his protective nature; one he has for the troupe but times 10.

His childhood friends had been shot by law enforcers, his home was horrific, and the last thing he needed was for you to be gone. You were keeping him afloat in society.

When he opened the door, Phinks was sitting in a chair, one leg over the other, laughing at a TikTok video.

Nobunaga on the other hand was watching the world news and seemed invested that he didn’t hear Chrollo enter the room. Once they both saw, they stood to their feet.

“Y/n is ok boss. They suffered a few cuts and burns, but they're breathing.”

Chrollo’s straight face remained as he stared at you.

Chrollo’s silence is something the troupe has internalized as a sign of anger, rage, or both. When he didn’t speak and just stared, everyone knew that their next mission was going to be a brutal one.

Chrollo is a man that isn’t afraid to express how he feels. He could cry right now if he wanted to and no one would dare laugh at him or insult him. After all, Nobunaga cried when he realized Uvo was dead.

Nobunaga and Phinks excused themselves as they saw him place his hand over his mouth.

Once the door closed, He pulled up the chair, grabbed your hand, and gently squeezed it. His warmth woke you up instantly and you turned your head. You winced in pain causing Chrollo to jump from his seat, moving to your right side so you wouldn’t turn your head too much.

“I’m glad you're alive, darling. What were you doing putting yourself in danger? Feitan could have handled the beast!”

He isn’t trying to doubt your ability to fight, he’s just concerned for your safety. Even so, why would he insist that you join the spiders?

A tear dropped from his face as he silently kissed your hand three times. You smiled warmly and placed your right left hand on top of his.

“I am fine, boss. You need not worry. I’m a trooper, remember?”

He placed your hand against his dry cheek and continued to kiss it. You were his lifeline and he wanted to spend every moment with you.

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tuiyla · 2 years

Note

Hey! So I know you are a Kitty Wilde fan and she didn’t interest me much personally while I was watching the show. But your gorgeous gif sets grabbed my attention so I wanted to ask you if you could talk about the reasons you like her (if you haven’t yet already) because I want to know more about her now, if you want to talk about it of course no pressure <3

Ooooh thank you for the opportunity! I don't think I ever actually did a post that was just, here's why I love Kitty, so I'll gladly share some thoughts.

I have a really long character analysis in the works all about Kitty, her themes and her arc but at this point that's been a work in progress for an actual year and I feel like I should stop going on about it and finish it instead lol. I'm just noting this to say that I'll mention a few things about her character that I won't elaborate on right now but hopefully I can finish that at some point this century and really go in depth about what I mean.

So, Kitty. I think such a huge part, though not all of my fascination with her can be contributed to Becca Tobin and how she elevated this role that was supposed to be RM finally getting to have an irredeemably evil blonde cheerleader. She's written as such a vile person in the beginning and does arguably the most horrible thing in the show that I did start off hating her. I even said to my sister while we were watching season 4 for the first time, "wow she sucks so much." But even then I think Becca Tobin did her best trying to give some sort of depth to this intentionally one note character. I think the best proof we have, other than the whole ED storyline itself, that the creators didn't want Kitty to be more than pure evil is that they deleted what could have been a really poignant scene in Swan Song. Imagine thinking the stupid "lesbian blogger" jokes had more of a right to be in the final version than a much-needed scene between Kitty and Marley. I hate this show, anyway.

But then, whether because they saw what Becca could do with his character in this scene or some other reason, the writers decided to actually do something with this character. I think it’s understandable that for some she never quite redeems herself for the Marley mess, and in fact this initial run of Kitty’s character is probably the reason why it’s taking me so long to write her character analysis. It’s horrifying on a level that’s only second to IKAG imo. But as someone who did hate Kitty during the ED storyline, I did grow to care for her. She has a subtle but nice plot in the second half of season 4 about becoming a true part of the club, most notably in Guilty Pleasures after Brittany confronts her. She finally apologizes to Marley in Shooting Star. She shows vulnerability with Ryder and bonds with him after the shit he gets from Sam and Artie’s during their big flop moment. There’s the Wonder-ful plot with Artie, where Kitty helps someone just because she wants to. By the end of the season 4 she’s much more of a mean girl in the vein of Santana, so a bitch but with good qualities instead of being the evil incarnate she starts out as.

And you know, I do try to make the ED stuff make sense on a character level in my essay, but the truth is the writers didn’t care to make Kitty an actual character in the beginning. The immense charisma that Becca brings to the role, as well her skills as a true triple threat really help elevate Kitty into a real member of the club - best new dancer along with Jake, unique and amazing voice, acting chops on par with the best of the first gen kids. Like I say I think she starts becoming much more interesting in season 4 and then season 5 clearly knows better what to do with her. Some episodes, anyway, like the Beatles two-parter. I love Wildebrams, I love how we’re actually acknowledging Kitty’s struggle of balancing the Glee Club with the Cheerios.

And when she returns in season 6, I looove that we’re at least dealing a little bit with how she felt left behind, after how long it took for her to embrace Glee Club and how important it became. I also think she has fascinating themes of beauty and sexuality, questions of community, trust, all that. Her trauma as revealed in Lights Out is only ever mentioned in that episode but I think it recontextualizes a lot of her moments and all the little crumbs turn her into a fascinating character. I wouldn’t necessarily say “layered” or “well-written” because that would be crediting the writers and frankly, fuck them, but Kitty still ended up becoming a much more engaging character than she was initially intended to be.

I don’t know how good of a summary that was but, yeah. I find Kitty to be suuuper interesting, engaging to watch, and I am a sucker for characters who become more than what they were meant to be. I think she’s the true shining star of the later seasons and since finishing the show has become a top 4 character for me. Certainly top 3 in terms of who I could go on and on about haha. And that’s fitting because she’s basically a Quinntana love child and they’re my top 2 in this sense. I’d love to discuss her more if you or any others have particular storylines or moments of interest, or just any thoughts. I totally get if Kitty’s not your cup of tea, I just think there’s a lot of accidental greatness with her - accidental on the writers’ part, Becca Tobin deserves all the credit.

#glee asks #kitty asks #brighter-than-a-carnival #kitty wilde #my poor little meow meow ❤#she's a true problematic fave but she's sooooo interesting #also she's funny when she's being stupid #in french that means kill women ❤#i just really love kitty and could go on and on about her #long post

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ourmondobongo · 2 years

Note

Hello! I'm new on tumblr :) I found your blog and came to love your interpretation on Levi's character ❤

I've recently come to notice that aside from many eruri shippers, there's also a vast majority of the fandom consider Levi as an obsessed revenge-seeker who doesn't give a flying crap about humanity in the final battle. I personally disagree with this idea and can't even bear the thought. Levi only proved to us in the final battle how much he cares. He was ready basically ready to put himself in danger anytime and almost forgot about the promise. But anyway the reason I'm here is because a few people and I were discussing this issue with a guy who keeps saying:

"1) He was just happened to be there in the final battle. He was there for Zeke and he made it clear in 126 that his intention is killing the beast titan to Magath and Pieck. No Zeke. No care"

"2) On the plane all he was thinking about was killing the monkey and it's not because it was Hanji's theory. He just wanted to kill tbe beast"

"3) Before getting onto the plane he didn't participate in battle but once he knew they were getting close to Eren's whereabouts, where Zeke probably was, he took part and don't tell me it was because he was recovering in those days while Hange and the other were fighting the Jaegerists. If we were to consider that then he needed rest till the very end of the series. He didn't need to take part in the battle"

"4) While flying on Falco he kept saying "Where is he? Where is the beast? And kept remembering Erwin's orders. Doesn't that sound like a simp to you?"

I'm sorry this turned out long but these horrible things are only parts of what he said. We tried arguing with him but well sometimes it's really hard to make someone understand lol What do you think about each of these 4 takes? I would love to read your thoughts and analysis. You sound like a very logical person.

Hello!!!

Welcome to Tumblr!!!

Thank you for the kind words! I love Levi a lot!

And though I'm nowhere near as in depth or accurate as other snk metas writers who long live here, I try my best to at least one or two points here and there as best as I can!

Before we begin exploring your points, excuse me for a sec while I share a bit of a concern I have…

You know, I feel like these last volumes of snk had a strange pacing, which compromised the depiction of facts and how the characters were living the events. Because while many things are getting clear now, almost one year later, the fact that there were an incredibly lot of faithful and sincere readers feeling way off or confused about the end of snk isn't normal, imo. Veteran people here on Tumblr - who used to write very in depth analysis of snk! - were so disappointed they dropped out of the fandom, or wrote frustrating rants. I can’t help but feel like there is a communication gap begging to be fixed and crossed between Isym, the manga, and the readers (at least the non-Japanese ones?).

And besides the seemingly need for a less rushed pacing, be it for the lack of more accurate manga translations, or side material officially published (such the smartpasses and other guidebooks), or snk interviews published in a official place to be referenced easily, or WIT's badass-biased portrait of characters - there seems to be a little gap between what Yams had been trying to say and what was written and shown in the manga, imo. Not to mention all the wild push-and-pull between ships, yeagerist x alliance, "the ML is always right" x "the ML is a complete maniac incel", and whatevers...

So I think this is why the anime now seems to be adapting the chapters slower, more detailed, orderly in timeline, and kinda heavy, brutal, and more humanistic. Though at first I didn't want to see a snk movie for the end, I'm somewhat starting to like the idea - if this is for the anime to fill up and smooth out the convoluted transitions between what Isym managed to present in the manga and what he wanted to do but couldn't on the paper for whatever reason. I think it will be good for the general audience who will still stick to the conclusion!

Now, let's go to the points you brought up!!

"1) He was just happened to be there in the final battle. He was there for Zeke and he made it clear in 126 that his intention is killing the beast titan to Magath and Pieck. No Zeke. No care"

Sometimes I feel like the fandom kinda forgets that EMA are the MCs of snk. I've forgotten sometimes that as well ngl

Levi certainly grew to become the most beloved and why not to say most important character of snk alongside Eren. But still, the main plot was not his history to resolve the final problems himself. The "hierarchy" is Eren-Mikasa-Armin, and then Levi. Or even, Levi's story was paralleled with Eren's.

Regardless of this, most of the time I feel like people who claim Levi was just by chance/alive in the final battle are mostly arguing based on "death plot armor" and "Levi was nerfed so Mikasa could shine" ideas. And tbh, it kinda bothers me when I read people saying "Isym nerfed Levi because he was too OP and would have killed Zeke and Eren in a blink" and other typical shounen sayings because I don't think it was the case at all.

While it's kinda controversial that Levi could fight on such horrible conditions considering that in the Female Arc he was put out of commission due to his injured feet, they were facing the end of the world now, and with barely anyone left to join the fight. But since my own view is but my own on the matter, I like to reference people to this interview here, in which pretty much Isym explains Levi wouldn't always be placed on the front lines by being too powerful. But rather than simply "nerf" him, this actually adds depth to Levi's character (as well to all other characters who had to put themselves together and face the danger). Levi's worried face and clenched fist in chapter 33 tells us how hard it was for him to stand by and only watch people having to fight while he can't...

...But this nuance is mostly lost because anime people usually pick the manga to read from where the anime season ended, and Thank you WIT for bringing Levi out of nowhere and making him save everyone's asses in the anime for the sake of fanservice - it helped to unnecessarily OP his character a lot!! (*sighs*)

(As a side note about Levi's injuries after 115, the drawings of Levi's chest and abs on 126, there weren't broken ribs or any other visibly serious injury, nor major problems aside from his face. I believe Hanji would have wrapped his abs with something to show it, or Yams would have made it bleed or purple or whatever. Levi definitely should have purple bruises since he fell hard on the ground, tho, but please MAPPA do NOT cover Levi's sexy back LOL)

And talking about chapter 126 - imo, it falls in the list of chapters that definitely should have been split into two different chapters. It feels kinda rushed, too much info packed into 45 pages, borderline cringe in some parts. Maybe it's why the aot leaks say the anime will have a whole episode dedicated just for it - they might flesh out the content to make the plot flow more smoothly.

But regarding Levi and Hanji’s talk with Magath and Pieck, something everyone should consider is that MagaPi didn't know LeviHan at all - just that they were highly capable soldiers and leaders of the Survey Corps. They were "sworn enemies", the ones who put into shame ALL their precious Titan Shifters. And as far as MagaPi knew, LeviHan were supposed to be cunning and merciless, vengeful "Island Devils" that had invaded Liberio and wreaked havoc, and killed military and civilians just a month ago; they had been secretly working with Zeke all the time.

So why would MagaPi believe our devoted hearts would want to save their deadly, hate-filled persecutors? And also after all the tragedies Marley itself had imposed on them?

As humans and soldiers that had all the reasons to distrust one another, LeviHan presumably understood that MagaPi needed some solid goal or purpose besides the "we want to save the same people that want to kill us all!!!". If even readers mocked this idea, and Isym also kinda ironizes this in the "Avengers Pose" at the end of 126 as well as using Yelena to make critics over the superficiality/naivety of the thought of saving the world in 127, what makes anyone think this would simply work with LeviHan and MagaPi right of the bat?

That's why they use Zeke as a credible link to instigate the start of a conversation.

I presume MagaPi were well aware of Levi and Zeke’s animosity. They might have deduced that Levi’s hurt predicament was due to a fight with Zeke too. I would like to point out, tho, that while Levi proposes the idea, Isym does a close up on Hanji, Magath, and Pieck's faces. Hanji's eye is hidden (meaning it's not simply this killing intention they had in mind), and Magath isn't buying it just yet too, and above all Pieck once again dislikes the idea of killing Zeke, just like in 119.

Their main interest definitely isn't aligned as of yet. But it was the best first step they could try out.

Thus, "No Zeke, no care" is but a heavily blindly obsessive-revenge interpretation of Levi's character. Thank you Kodansha for officially translating Hanji's words of vexing feelings as a need for revenge too 🙃 Levi's character was benefited by it (*sighs*).

As for Levi’s general feelings and thoughts in the final battle, I think chapter 136 couldn't be more explicit than that!

Levi is literally dropping his burden goal of killing Zeke because he is too injured to fight him (and it would bring more dangers to his kids if he died meaninglessly),

and Levi is shoving up and scrubbing into our faces that the world he himself and the others hoped for when they decided to fight in the SC wasn't to destroy others (but thanks again, KodanshaTM, for changing WE DREAMT to YOU DREAMT 🙃👌),

and when gripping his sword, Levi is showing he is renewing his will to not give up his dream and die succumb to the pressure of the horrors of the moment, and that he is gonna fight until his dying breath now - whether Zeke appears or not - while entrusting the future to the youth who held the same look of hopeful freedom he saw at the Heart of the SC.

But, ofc, there comes Erwin's name after this all, and Levi expressing no regrets about having let him die, and near the eyes' sentence; and as the first KodanshaTM "you" wasn't translated as plural you, Levi's heartbreaking and multilayered monologue is read as him being a one-dimensional-soon-to-be-dead-vengeful-impaired-simp nerfed by Isym and that just wanted to fulfill a promise "to kill monkeyTM".

At this point, I can only hope the animation can somehow save Levi's character now. Or maybe, Isym himself may give an interview which clarifies this all with his own words so people can settle this matter once and for all. I wonder what Japanese readers think of this whole crazy ordeal...

Lastly, Super-peace-fangirl has shown perfectly panel by panel how much Levi cared about snk final events especially on chapter 138, after Zeke's death. If Levi isn't clearly showing AGAIN that he is saving and caring and battling for humanity, I don't know what his character is doing anymore!!

"2) On the plane all he was thinking about was killing the monkey and it's not because it was Hanji's theory. He just wanted to kill the beast"

Being a bit bitter, I'm not even shocked over Hanji erasure here.

Hanji’s treatment in this ending was… rushed and kinda unfair. And it doesn't help that Yams drew Hanji mentioning the Zeke hypothesis back in chapter 126, in a minuscule panel during a supposedly important conversation that made enemies worked together but that only lasted for 02 pages (*sighs*).

Still, at least two key points are being forgotten when people argue that Levi is but "obsessively hunting down his prey" in chapter 133 and so on:

The Characters don't have ORVP

We, readers, have the omniscient reader viewpoint. The characters don't. So we readers might know whatever is going on inside the Founder and the extension of Zeke’s relationship with its power, but Levi and the others didn't know.

And when we read the scenes projecting our awareness upon the text and the characters actions, then we slip down on the problem of "Oh, this is so obvious!". Which ends up with us proceeding to read events and statements as a "broken record", which I feel that happens with Levi regarding Zeke (and the vow too).

Hanji is the Biggest Titan Specialist of snk World

Levi is one of the most sincere narrators of snk, even if sometimes he needs a translator.

If he himself said "I'm not certain, but that was what Hanji predicted", then Levi (Professional Titan Killer, and not ORVP/reader/Yams) might not be 100% sure that killing Zeke will stop the Rumbling, but since Hanji (the Biggest Titan Specialist of their world, as even hinted by Pieck on 126) predicted as much, Levi was betting on it. To him, following Hanji's experience and knowledge of 10 years regarding Titan studies, killing Zeke has a great chance to stop it all. And if it spares Eren's life, then it's something even better. So Levi is not using lame excuses, or blind vengeful reasons, to go after Zeke. This, or Yams is fucking kidding with Hanji’s character. I can’t believe he would go so low as use this crap with Levi of all characters.

And I also want to highlight that no one else there but Armin and Levi could have thought of that idea. But it's quite logical Armin wouldn't be used in this because his dilemma over killing Eren had to last longer. At the same time, imo, this is Isym also showing that Levi was reluctant on killing Eren as much as everyone else. We can see it from 112, then his behavior in 133 in Paths, and then until chapter 137/138. Things are not simply one-dimensional-in their interpretation in AOT.

Another note, I want to highlight how broken Levi looks when mentioning that it was Hanji's idea, and then how he asks for everyone's cooperation and help later. If revenge is the 1st and only thing that comes into one's mind when seeing these panels - and not Levi heavily struggling to keep focused physically, mentally, and emotionally in the battle ahead because he is deeply injured, and has just become the last veteran, the last one carrying all the weight of thousands of devoted hearts on his back alone, and millions of people are dying because Eren and Zeke meet, and Levi just wants all that slaughter and pain and suffering to end - then...

I.don't.know.

Levi's character is already a "I will kill monkey" meme by now. Curse it all lol

They themselves answer their arguments while overlooking the obvious facts lol Way to purposely find reasons to shit on Levi's character. They must hate Levi for nothing lol

Well, in chapter 128-129, it has been 2 days since Levi nearly died in a thunderspear explosion. While us readers had to wait 10 - 12 months to read the chapters, to the characters it was 2 days! Levi is totally wrecked at that time, which is made even clearer at the beginning of chapter 132. And while Levi's bad hair moment is cute in chapter 127, it is also a little reminder that for a man who usually slept only 3-4 hours per day to be asking people to shut up after he had been sleeping for almost two entire days… well, Levi is definitely wrecked.

And, again, just like on chapter 33 moment, Levi is worriedly watching Hanji, his kids, Titan Shifters, and his former SC subordinates (because as SC Captain, Levi was still on top of the Survey Corps) all fight to death while he is powerless to do a thing - powerless to protect everyone. I dare anyone to look at Levi's body language here, and say he didn't want to be capable of fighting!

And as if not enough, Yelena also goes and rubs salt on his psychological wounds saying Humanity can't be separated from violence. Levi is being crushed from all sides just in 2 days of having to kill his 30 titanized soldiers + nearly have died + now this, and with millions of people dying meaninglessly under Colossal Titan feet because of Eren!!

Oh, Levi definitely needed to rest until the end of the story - to be wrapped on warm blankets, cradled to sleep, with someone softly combing his hair, and calmly whispering to him that the fight was over, and that everyone was okay and safe, and that they're finally free so he could sleep how much he wanted!! But Isym said, "No, sweetie! The Titanpocalypse is here, and you better pull yourself together, and get your nearly-kissed-by-Death body into that goddamn hell after rising from the dead in three days, and save everyone's asses - making parallels with the One with whom you share your birthday date!"

He can't even mourn Hanji's death in peace either

"4) While flying on Falco he kept saying "Where is he? Where is the beast? And kept remembering Erwin's orders. Doesn't that sound like a simp to you?"

That's what we get when the only remaining adult who is not actively engaged on the physical battle to rescue Armin is trying to do something useful despite being nearly incapacitated on a Flying Titan's back (*sighs*).

I don't blame anyone for thinking whatever they think Levi looks like in this part though. This is the moment Levi has to reflect about his and the SC's role, and this also has to do with his matter regarding Zeke and Erwin and the vow indeed.

Levi believed in Hanji's theory that the Rumbling - which was about to crush the rest of humanity right under Levi's sight - was going to stop once Zeke was killed, but I definitely can see from where it comes the "Levi is obsessed with killing Zeke for Erwin's order from 4 years ago". The drawing and Levi's words are all in front of our eyes. Moreover, it's to Erwin (person) that Levi makes the vow to, and in a position where he is clearly set as a Knight making an oath to his King. And at the same time it's interesting that Levi remembers Erwin tired, the lights of his eyes dead, and when he looks up at him, Erwin isn't free as Levi remembered when he saved Armin during serum bowl. If anything, it's the first time Levi feels like he has failed his duty, disappointed his Commander, and imagines a dead person expecting something from him.

But the more I reread Levi's chapters (80, 81, 112, and 136), the more I feel like Levi's take towards the vow is multilayered. Killing Zeke has been one of the focus of Levi's narrative since chapter 75, where Erwin says he just trusts Levi to kill the Beast, and this got to another level along the years/story/chapters, especially after chapters 80-81, 112, 113. And, boy, Levi's devotion to fulfill a promise to the dead was his ultimate shackle - the biggest curse of his life, in a way.

But just like everything else Yams does when dealing with human nature, I don't think the vow can be solely understood as a plain "I'll kill the Beast Titan". It’s part of it, but not it all? Or maybe it's just me struggling to comprehend how Levi succumbed to the danger of being drunk on something that Kenny had warned him in his dying bed. Levi hellbent on fulfilling Erwin's last order as his duty (as he addresses the topic on 136) makes absolutely more sense to me than just revenge.

Still, at the very end, as strong as Levi's unwavering will to give meaning to all SC deaths, he helped humanity have a chance of survive at all because it was the right thing to do. I particularly feel like it is a reduction of Levi whenever he is frequently marked as a man who fulfilled a promise to his Commander rather than also praising ALL aspects that encompasses it. Levi's devotion to his duty, his sense of responsibility, his inhuman willpower to keep fighting even after nearly losing everything is incomparable. And this belongs to Levi's character in such a broader way. That's why he is Humanity’s Strongest after all!!

Another point people forget is that killing Zeke doesn't give meaning to the SC devoted hearts. It might have helped stop the Rumbling, but that's not enough - never was, and never would be worth their sacrifices. Levi also makes it very clearly in 139. The Titans are gone, the nightmare is over, humanity is free and not all doomed to die eaten alive or stomped powerless = "I guess this is the result of all of your devoted hearts". At most, killing Zeke is Levi finally breaking free from a curse that lasted way too long, and Levi held no personal triumphant satisfaction with it - just the damned realization this shit was finally over, forever.

Another poignant matter is that it was thanks to Erwin and the recruits' sacrifices that Paradis could learn about the truth of the World - the most crucial matter at stake at that moment. And the RtS victory allowed for the Island to be freed of the horror of the Titans. Yet, Levi rejects this huge fact as enough to be worth the devoted hearts. I can’t imagine how getting Zeke’s head alone would ever be comparable, or superior, to all that the SC had accomplished until they got the brats to the sea. Unless, ofc, Levi's narrative is really supposed to be the "Revenge-Avenge" Tragic Hero...

Then, if considering this idea is a part of him, it's interesting to remember too that Levi knows Zeke killed Mike, Nanaba, and the Ragako Village; and that Levi chose to send around a hundred people to their death in the Beast's hand so that Humanity inside the Walls could survive; and that the massacre on Marley was orchestrated by Zeke mostly (bc Eren doesn't have the brains for it), and that Zeke titanized Levi's soldiers in the forest... Then it makes sense Levi also had assumed to be his role to guarantee Zeke wouldn't get out of this all in impunity for all the deaths he had committed. But there is still a difference between revenge, punishment, and retributive justice.

Levi knows, though, what Grisha did to Zeke, and he had a brief idea what Zeke lived in Marley, and must have imagined how Zeke was used as Beast Titan for years in Marley wars, and what Zeke ultimately wanted to do when Yelena asked Hanji and everyone to admit Zeke’s plan was better. I really wanted to see what happened in chapter 132, when Levi reflects about Yelena's words, and hearing Hanji blaming herself/taking responsibility for Eren's downfall, and saying she was powerless. But thank you, Yams, for leave me hanging on this too 🙃

Anyway, in chapter 136, Levi has a lot to cover of his and SC's narratives in the brief 03-04 pages he is given. And imo, it goes as the one chapter I wanted Yams himself talking about just for the sake of full understanding. But we're probably never getting it, so at this point, everyone will take Levi's words and actions however they want - from reduced to a simp who just fought to kill monkey to get revenge from the man Levi himself chose to let die (and *cough* had no regrets about it *cough*) up to Humanity’s Strongest soul and last bearer of the Wings of Freedom, with a unmatched devoted heart.

However, blessed be the new OP!! I think the nihilism and despair and desperation and tears are setting even more clear the state of the last events of snk. Scratch the stupid ass shipper interpretation of that moment, and focus on Levi's journey with SC's devoted hearts in a world bathed on blood, death, and meaninglessness. Hopefully, it and the animation will help dissipate the mist over Levi's character too.

Yes, it's raining tears

#answering devoted hearts #this was long #lol #i love how Levi is reduced to Humanity’s Strongest Simp #🙃#can't blame anyone tho #the last volumes of aot seemed so dragged and strange #and a lot of us were actually burned out at some point?#oh i might have digressed on this #but yeah

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