#this episode made me want to ********************* (positive)
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whenever sam brings up his childhood, its always like "awww so cute <3333" followed by "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST" approximately 2 seconds later
like "awww he had an imaginary friend, thats so sweet! i love sully!" and then "oh jesus, his imaginary friend is real and was there to fill in the gaps so that sam didn't fall through them :((("
or "aww sam had a dog friend" followed by "sam lived with his dog friend in an abandoned house cause he ran away for TWO WEEKS, apparently one of his happiest childhood memories wtf"
or "awww dean read to him" and then "oh the whole time he was thinking about how he was dirty and wrong haha 0_0"
#it definitely works for his character since he is so sweet on the surface especially in the early seasons but jeeze#watching flashback episodes like i couldve raised him :( i couldve made sure he was ok :(#i also think its important to his character that he does kinda look for positive moments in his life and holds onto them and really#does appreciate them like remembering one teacher out of hundreds who said something impactful to him and wanting to thank him#and remembering being in theatre and how it gave him a chance to play and have fun#and all these little moments (and keeping very important things in a memry box:(. ) in his life which has been so tragic#and always having hope because of them#like sam being the “heart” and the hopeful one is so important to me <33333#thats my fucking baby
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in due south 3x03 "i coulda been a defendant" when brothers in arms by dire straits hits, and then they play it nearly in full... talented. brilliant. incredible. all those other things lady gaga said.
#that episoooode. when they have the guy (bruce) in the interrogation room and he keeps folding shapes out of paper#and they couldn't have made him MORE obviously autistic if they'd tried and ray keeps trying to grill him but it doesn't work#and then fraser asks to talk to bruce. and he just sits with him. hands on the table chin on hands#an unusual position for fraser! a very deliberately non-threatening position! and he tries to nudge some information out of bruce#but bruce doesn't want to talk (his brother told him it's dangerous! he's in danger!) so then. fraser asks if he can try#with the paper and the folding. and the LOOKS bruce has right after that just. ughhh. it gets to me#shocked. shyly pleased. genuinely surprised that someone is willing to engage with his interest.#there are SO many little moments in that episode that punch me in the heart every time but that bit!! oof. oh man.#and then later when fraser is pulled away by ray and dief nudges under bruce's arm and puts his head in bruce's lap and gently says uruwr!!#dief for best character!!! that's not news but still important!!!#*#due south
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a cry for help in 52-hertz
#little demon#drillart#chrissy feinberg#bennigan little demon#this episode made me want to ********************* (positive)#like. (screaming in mirror) OKAY WE GET IT YOU SEE A CHARACTER WITH THE SAME MENTAL ILLNESS AS YOU#ITS FINE. (SHATTERING GLASS SFX)
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there comes a beautiful time in life where i have to ask myselg th question, "did i accidentally project too hard onto the character that i only relate to a little bit and in doing so hugely missed this one entire aspect/interpretation of the characters . am i stupid"
#ARE THEY STUPID!#dr who#this is about ten specifically his relationship w martha lmao#m being so serious i genuinely did not. see the 'ten was on purpose leading martha on to make her think her feelings were requited' angle#until going out into the wild and reading the tumblr posts. like i genuinely did not. at ALLLLLL. its like a brick hitting my head#bc the ENTIRE time s3 ten came off to me as 'doing stuff w no romantic intent behind it but would consistently get misinterpreted as such'#cuz IIIIIIIII have done this. IIIIIIII have run into this problem before. and it sucks so incredibly bad.#i actually do want to think my og interpretation still holds water cuz like. well i could gather all the evidence but#first one that comes 2 mind would be him going 'it's like when you fancy someone + they dont know you exist' to martha. in episode TWELVE#two routes; either ten is needlessly cruel and callous even after a season's worth of building up trust and friendship w her#or he is on super 'i dont think she has feelings for me and this is a very unhappy coincidence of a line' cocaine#Or the 'she fancied me' line in s4 to donna. either he is disregarding all the good and positive impact she did him. or the fact that this#went over his head the whole time made him look back on that time w discomfort <- I DID THIS. I MIGHT HAVE BEEN PROJECTING#THIS ONTO HIM. AM I STUPID.?.?????#you know how mikage rgu can either be read as an incel or a gay man lost so completely in the sauce#ten is like in this same ballpark. i think. of 'emotionally manipulative and disrespects women' or 'aroacespec and missed the cues'#funniest possible options to pick from. ten my brother how did you set yourself up like this#absolutely not denying that he was toxic and unhealthy during s3 in like 500 ways btw. but well. ths is the one concwpt that#flew over my head. so completely. and i can kind of see it now but i also still find it hard to incorporate into my belief system#bc its like. brother I'M aroace and missed the cues too lol#tangential note we can trace many problems down to a writer's room filled w white people not giving#martha's character the respect/agency she deserves for the existing narrative she has. bc they pulled this w mickey too both in series 1+2#if they wanted to portray ten as manipulative then him and martha should've been given more screentime#together where martha (or anyone else) calls him the FUCK out on this. and ten would need to suffer narrative consequences of doing smth#as fucked up as that rather than his happy stable dynamic he has w donna. if they wanted to portray him as oblivious then marthas character#shouldn't have constantly been boiled down to an unrequited crush (particularly her dialogue in the s3 finale - there's a LOT more reasons#why she would choose to leave/why their dynamic was unhealthy besides ten not returning her feelings)#if you read all these tags you may be entitled 2 financial compensation#ten and martha#aspec doc tag
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ok so in the show i’m crewing right now with the theater i work for, one of our out-of-company actors that was hired is an ambulatory wheelchair user and she’s incredible and the theater and management have made it this whole production to try an accommodate her needs through the process. Which is wonderful!
But on the part of the the theater it comes of as so disingenuous to me (especially with the way they’ve been publicizing it on social media), knowing that i spent last semester crying after every rehearsal due to the way my disability was treated and i was considering quitting theater altogether. and even going into this production the way i’ve been treated has been subpar. and it makes me so angry but i can’t talk to anyone i know about it because i dont want them to think im bashing the actor when im really just pissed at theater management.
#i think part of the problem is i’m a university fed hire#while the actor was hired out of company as freelance#and so for me it’s just another nail in the coffin about the way this theater treats their student workers#but like i was hired for two positions in this show. and i was (not gracefully) fired from one of the positions#so i could ‘focus on my other position’ and not strain my disability too much#obviously this was decided without any input from me#the stage manager who was making me cry last semester and spreading very personal information about my disability#was out of company hired as well and she is not invited back for many reasons#but when i made my complaint about the way she was treating my disability i got a ‘we’ll talk about it tomorrow and im sorry that’s happen’#only for it to never be discussed until the following semester after the show had ended#and i received a ‘we’re going to try and do better than the last show where details of your vulnerable medical episodes were shared without#your consent’#i love this actress and disability solidarity all the way#but i’m frustrated with the fact that she’s getting accommodations i could never dream of getting#while i’m still being told that my disability is too inconvenient for some jobs#we’re the only two mobility aid users to work for this theater and i’m baffled by the different reception between the two of us#i’m just so. tired. of being treated like a liability#and watching someone else be treated great by people who’ve stomped on me makes me want to never work in theater ever again
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another one +uncolored ver (can u tell i skipped school today
#i feel like it kind of looks better uncolored idk i think it's the eyes#laurmau#aphmau#mcd#minecraft diaries#i b on that danny gonzalez grind im CONSTANTLY rewatching his stuff im so serioud#i had this phase back in like december january i forgot where i literally binge watched like at least 12 of his vids a day Idk what i was d#ing like girl STUDY FOR YOUR SATS#hashtag Laurmau forever Idgaf (i've been avoiding continuing my mcd rewatchbc the next episode has aaron in the thumbnail(im really scared😭#I WILL FINISH YOU#Garroth soon contrary to popular belief i am a big Garroth fan too hes just kind of been irrelevant in mcd lately like come back......#I LIKE HIM KN THE SIDE STORIES THOUGH idk how i feel about my street but i Just started so we will see#o dont likr what jess is doing to him and laurance why are they crazy creeps☹️my daughters....#ummm what else omg i want to animate the nicole audio video thing that post is SO FUNNY literally live changing imma do that tmrw maybe umm#big emphasis on the Maybe😅😅😅i am a junior in high school#Hopefully ugghhhhh GET ME OUT!!!!#laurance zvahl#aphmau mcd#laurance mcd#awesome#also omg#thank u all for being nice tome on that laurance design it made me so happy like samn people rlly still care abt mcd😭😭(Positive
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actually whilst im comparing the utena fandom to utena characters i did have a really funny thought a couple of months ago about how people who neglect the impact of touga’s history with csa do the exact same thing that he does. like they’re both like ‘didn’t happen :) not real :) wouldn’t have any tangible effect whatsoever :) now watch me craft an elaborate web of lies that dont make any fucking sense in order to obfuscate the truth (not pictured here)’. guys who hate kiryuu touga when they do the exact same thing he does
#none of you clowns ever want to unpack what goes on in 31 and 32 re: adoption narratives and it makes me !!!!!!#touga is supposedly The Adopted One and yet nanami is positioned as the ugly duckling#but he only makes that implication to keiko!!!! he’s spinning a narrative that’s more favourable to him!!!!!#because he!! didn’t want!!!! or expect!!!!! this aspect of his life!!!!!! to be used!!!!! in schemes!!!!!!!!!!#mfw my sister deduces that im adopted and i overcomplicate everything in an attempt to obfuscate the truth that no one was even poking at#bc my sense of shame is THAT deep and profound that even acknowledging any aspect of my childhood sends it all unravelling#like ok. normal about that one#you literally see him when nanami says it. react with genuine shock like he’s startled he’s made uncomfortable he’s shocked#and then there’s a pause as he Decides to go along with her belief and craft lies to support it#im just. gahhhhh im so normal#like 31 and 32 are such good episodes that i only started thinking about touga’s experiences in them in the past year or so#bc for the previous three i was just like NANAMIIIIII NANAMI NANAMI#there are so many layers to each character and how they all intersect ohhhhhhhh oh#hey guys did you know i like her tragedy#dais.txt#her tragedy her triumph#obfuscation abventures
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I’m kind of thankful no one has to witness the person I become when I watch One Piece episodes
#One Piece#Me when Doflamingo speaks after Luffy FINALLY brought himself to punch Bellamy 'You took too long. Now your law is GONE'#and proceeded to immediately let out a feral enraged scream#like i hadn't just made a joke based on bee and puppycat#I HATE DOFLAMINGO I LOVE HIM AS A VILLAIN I WANT THAT EVIL ELTON BIRD OBLITERATED ALREADY AND LUFFY TOOK LIKE 10 EPISODES TO ATTACK BELLAMY#But also me losing my mind in a positive way over Zoro and Bartolomeo and Usopp#Dressrosa#Also Also! Robin HOT but that's not new gjskdlfgsfg#Me whenever Robin does anything 'Mommy? Sorry. Mommy? Sorry'#Something me and Bartolomeo handshake on
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there's a reason why we have poetry, and not just prose. there's a reason why prose has many genres, why it can be romantic, horrifying, or silly.
there's a reason why we have both television and film. and why genres of those are so varied as well. there's a reason we keep inventing new types of media to tell stories.
there's a reason why some books are turned into movies and others are turned into television. why some books achieve both. there's a reason why Batman started out in comics, then television, then films, then animated television, then video games, and why they keep making more.
there's a reason why a movie adaptation of a book is never exactly the same. why a character wears one color in one, and a different color in the other. there's a reason why the canon of stories gets "confused", because the different forms of media don't line up perfectly.
people have figured out millions of ways to tell stories, and with reboots and sequels and adaptations galore, i think we tend to assume anything that isn't a completely original creation/franchise/IP is a grab for money and attention. and maybe sometimes it is. but we have all these mediums to tell new stories and old stories, and new stories in old ways and old stories in new ways, and it's very much like our different ways of learning.
visual learners vs. hands-on vs. audio learners. we all need different input to learn, and different forms of media can teach us new things about what we like, what we love, who we are, just because it looks a little different. just because we prefer one thing over the other, doesn't mean that either one is less important, especially if someone learns something beautiful about themself or life from one of them.
i'm not sure if this makes a lot of sense, but i find it wonderful that even with recycled plot lines and clichés and too many seasons of whatever tv show, we're always trying to tell something new. always trying to learn something new. and even if nobody likes it, the creator felt compelled to make something because their thoughts were too big for their head.
tl;dr
human creation is wonderful, and i'm even learning to appreciate the existence of stuff that isn't really my cup of tea 💜🌈
#I wrote this very late so my thoughts might be a bit scrambled#thinking about how 80s she-ra isn't all that interesting to me but probably taught a lot of girls to not be ashamed of 'girl stuff'#and how Netflix she-ra helped me be comfortable with being gay#or how Disney is making all these live action versions of animated movies that didn't necessarily need to be made#but Ariel being black is so important#and animators flexing their powerful skills in creating cgi animals/creatures/animated furniture wouldn't be showcased otherwise#long post#positivity#entertainment#ALSO thinking about taz sloane and hurley being gay but more subtle in the podcast but have full-page kissing twice in the graphic novel#the podcast is what I listen to when I want the full story#the graphic novel is what I turn to when I want to look at lovely art and grin at my favorite moments rendered visually#there's a whole communications theory about how we use media differently#uses and gratification theory#I think#but i don't think these thoughts should only be reserved for those who have studied communications and/or are in academic circles#different needs are met through different media and that's fascinating and exciting!!!#wait shit i think there was already an entire episode of my little pony about this#text
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I just watched basically the entirety of ofmd in one fucking sitting and i am traumatised and i hate everything
#still didn’t watch the last episode#cause it didn’t load and it’s pretty late#so#yeah#i cant believe you guys watch this for fun#i was not having fun#i hate and pity every character at once#theyre all so stupid but i want them to be happy#i kept watching cause i thought it would get better but it just got worse#fuck everything#aaaahhhh#(the show is incredible and amazing and so well made but the story and everything that’s happening is slowly killing me because i got too#attached)#(i meant everything in a positive way#i think#)
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i love being chill in my little corner of the internet. like i honestly do not care about how filoni and favreau are gonna re-connect s3 to s2 when they reunited grogu and din on tbobf... i just honestly do not care, i just want to see them again.
#the mandalorian#star wars#sounds like a THEM problem#and yknow if you're so bothered just watch the 3 last tbobf episodes the end#i know it's annoying to jump to another show to see such an important plot buuuut#really ain't that hard to sit and watch a tv show like they're not asking you to run a marathon#do i think it was... a Choice? yes#but also i aint here just being pressed about it calling it retconning and all#narratively it made sense to me#other scenarios woulda made sense but the one they chose did too#and thats all that matters to me#so im starting this season just being FINE and i just want iiiit and positive vibes thats all
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going a mimir but just saying again i love my husbands 🥰💖💙
#i love them i love them i love them👨❤️💋👨#i miss them so badly#going to try and draw again when i wake up#had been busy but im gonna get bac#back on it** hfdsjk#had some s/i focused stuff i wanted to do then ill maybe start some fake screencaps! :-]#not sure which episodes i want to focus on tho#id love to do some for the episodes i made myself but thatd be putting me in the horrible position of having to paint an original and#complex background for a train car that lacks logic ghfsjdka#like fuck me thats going to be SO hard to do#tape entry circa 1980
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like im goig to ignore how n is one of the like 2 main characters who canonically dont hate ghetis its the same reason why he chronically wont say hes homosexual characters need to actually hate their abusive parents more in fiction like learning how horrible what they did was and properly processing your reaction to that is a crucial part of recovery and pasio n "is he the victim also somehow in this 🥺 were his parents also bad" harmonia hasnt done rhat . angway he would twist ghetis neck if he had the chance thanku
#n ; thoughts#'in pokemas n getting kidnapped by gcis' gcis: haha WONDERFUL you have no choice but to fall for me schemes now#n: haha WONDERFUL *does a flying kick and strangles him to death*#i have fantasies#im talking becus i had the whole#'i wonder what my abusers past was like that made them this way ... i wonder if i can get through to them' phase#and it was literally the most destructive mindset i had about them . gcis is a way worse human being than them too#i understand where n is but like hes gotta move on to the murder part of recovering from abusers#i dont even ship harmonaship but like itd be way better to me if they were actually enemies#i just see too much of myself in n and too much of my abusers in gcis so i just cant ever like him or how neutral/positive n is to him#n spending yrs with normal people realizes how fucked up his father is and Gets Mad#sorry if this post is nonsense im literally bobbing in and out of a psychotic episode#it wouldnt ever happen but i want to tap on n once and he says 'gcis ? 😄 id fucking kill him if i had the chance!'#character hate#tw character hate#cw character hate#character hate tw#character hate cw
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to knowis to be loved and to be known is to b eloved. I want transgender friends who will know me and love me in a way that cis people usually do not
#getting floored by transgendered feelings tonight. I went full femme last night in a way that I haven’t in a long time and it really made#it clear that what I enjoy about looking feminine is the ATTENTION. PEOPLE PAY SO MUCH GODDAMN ATTENTION TO PRETTY WOMEN#I will fully admit that I love getting positive attention for my looks irl. Like I’m not really pretty unless I#put a lot of effort into makeup and clothes so getting compliments on my clothes/appearance is like crack cocaine#which is not healthy. I don’t WANT to care about what I look like#but tbh one of the reasons I enjoyed cosplaying so much is that I got all that attentiob without the requisite feminity. Hahaha hhhhhhh#Last night as I was putting myself together for the charity dinner I felt like I was dressing up a doll. FULL out-of-body barbie vibes#I’m so disconnected from feminine feelings right now. But at the same time I had so much fun being pretty and getting compliments#idk. I don’t even know how to feel. I’m so goddamned tired of all this#if I could beam a perfect understanding of gender fluidity into the brains of everyone I meet I would have come out YEARS ago#I just don’t want to be alienated any more than I already am from the people around me#living in the us south means suffering alone in transness I guess.#I don’t want to be the first genderfluid/nonbinary person EVERYONE has ever met. I don’r want to have to justify my existence#but this cannot go on. but I’m afraid of T. I don’t want to go bald 😭#and I still want to wear dresses from time to time#maybe the solution is becoming a lolita lifestyler. dress myself up as a doll every day for the fucking compliments#leave no room for dissatisfaction with feminity. FUCK#I NEED A GENDER THERAPIST WORSE THAN ANYTHING#BUT IT’S THE SOUTH AND THE NEAREST ONE TO ME IS OVER AN HOUR AWAY#AND she’s out of network. FUCK#anyway I watched an episode of the new f*llout show and it was pretty good 😊#AND I’m playing st*rdew valley again on the new update and the update IS SO FUN#<-lil media update to lighten up this post.#this post was typed up not from a place of despair but from a place filled with the same emotions that a dog chasingits owntail experiences#I’m doing well enough mentally that I can deal with my transgender feelings again yknow. maslows heirarchy of needs with m#with transgender feelings at the top#weekend whining
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i don't think you want anything to do with me anymore so i can just vent the texts i want to send to you here
#i am sorry#truly genuinely#ive been trying to justify it to myself that we weren't technically together and you said go kiss other people ill still be here meet your#needs in the way you want#but i think it was#yesterday#this guy flirted with me and i flirted back but then suddenly this wave of disgust and self loathing hit me#like what am i even doing#how could i have done that#you were sitting there thinking we're okay you thought we were still together and im just in a bad mood going thru one of those depressive#episodes you were so understanding when you shouldn't have been because if i say im in love with you i should be there for you every step#of the way.#but you go through so much shit alone and im never there for you or atleast not there for you a lot of times and then i blame you for#liking your bestfriends more like it's so stupid obviously love should be reliable stable#and we were something na. we were everything except the label#i should have told you the moment i started feeling empty and dissatisfied again#but just. this isn't an excuse but like i didn't want to hurt you by bringing up this same fight for the one thousandth time#we agreed that you're not in the position to give more and i agreed to be okay with it and i really was.#but i can't help myself i want to give you everything i hate that feeling that i need to be less love less WANT less. mujhse nahi ho pata#i wasn't lying or pretending to be okay with it i was TRYING my best to be okay with it because i love you and this was the only way to#not lose you forever#now i just want to move on fr and be just friends with you. i can't lose you as a person but i don't know how to make this up to you#i am physically incapable of being in this situationship i want a relationship or a friendship i can't with this in between#which is what i told you in jan. i remember my chest actually feeling heavy with fear bc i was so scared of hurting you and getting hurt#again. jokes on me my worst fears came true all the progress we made by taking space is lost#i don't know if you really deleted my playlist. i tried to listen to more songs from it but they're so. lovely. talking about epic grand#love. which we have. but it's like waving a candy in front of a kid and snatching it away it hurts too much to have all the feelings and#none of the relationship. now that ive talked to some people in the romantic sense i get it#you were my best love my most perfect love there are no flaws there's nothing anyone else can do that can be equal or more to what you did#but idk it isn't meant to be maybe there's no future
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Got roped into a student vs. staff basketball game and
#time to vent in the tags#I am overweight and unathletic#but I told the kid I’d do it cause I’m a people pleaser#and my kids took videos and pictures me and tried to show me to laugh#but it really made me feel awful#but they don’t know that and I don’t blame them#and my closest friend at work was the basketball coach but didn’t play#and I kinda teased him about it#and now I’m overthinking that he didn’t think it was good teasing but bad teasing#but I don’t want to text him apologizing and make it into a thing#I tried to laugh being such a terrible player on a team of great basketball players#but I think that I came off as pessimistic and annoying#BUT im going to practice more positive thinking now#if my coworker brings it up I’ll apologize and I’ll try to be more cognizant of my words#none of my coworkers will remember this soon#my kids will forget by spring break with is soon#some boys said this was the most fun they had playing basketball ever and that was cute#I ate pretty well today#I exercised#I am gonna watch d20’s latest episode now#me#personal
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