#AND she’s out of network. FUCK
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to knowis to be loved and to be known is to b eloved. I want transgender friends who will know me and love me in a way that cis people usually do not
#getting floored by transgendered feelings tonight. I went full femme last night in a way that I haven’t in a long time and it really made#it clear that what I enjoy about looking feminine is the ATTENTION. PEOPLE PAY SO MUCH GODDAMN ATTENTION TO PRETTY WOMEN#I will fully admit that I love getting positive attention for my looks irl. Like I’m not really pretty unless I#put a lot of effort into makeup and clothes so getting compliments on my clothes/appearance is like crack cocaine#which is not healthy. I don’t WANT to care about what I look like#but tbh one of the reasons I enjoyed cosplaying so much is that I got all that attentiob without the requisite feminity. Hahaha hhhhhhh#Last night as I was putting myself together for the charity dinner I felt like I was dressing up a doll. FULL out-of-body barbie vibes#I’m so disconnected from feminine feelings right now. But at the same time I had so much fun being pretty and getting compliments#idk. I don’t even know how to feel. I’m so goddamned tired of all this#if I could beam a perfect understanding of gender fluidity into the brains of everyone I meet I would have come out YEARS ago#I just don’t want to be alienated any more than I already am from the people around me#living in the us south means suffering alone in transness I guess.#I don’t want to be the first genderfluid/nonbinary person EVERYONE has ever met. I don’r want to have to justify my existence#but this cannot go on. but I’m afraid of T. I don’t want to go bald 😭#and I still want to wear dresses from time to time#maybe the solution is becoming a lolita lifestyler. dress myself up as a doll every day for the fucking compliments#leave no room for dissatisfaction with feminity. FUCK#I NEED A GENDER THERAPIST WORSE THAN ANYTHING#BUT IT’S THE SOUTH AND THE NEAREST ONE TO ME IS OVER AN HOUR AWAY#AND she’s out of network. FUCK#anyway I watched an episode of the new f*llout show and it was pretty good 😊#AND I’m playing st*rdew valley again on the new update and the update IS SO FUN#<-lil media update to lighten up this post.#this post was typed up not from a place of despair but from a place filled with the same emotions that a dog chasingits owntail experiences#I’m doing well enough mentally that I can deal with my transgender feelings again yknow. maslows heirarchy of needs with m#with transgender feelings at the top#weekend whining
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pov youre having another meeting with the annoying academics & this person in the back looks kinda familiar
#im abt to reread network effect just for this does she know what it looks like???? do you think shell ever find out what happened?????#my dream for leonide is for system collapse to irrevocably alter her worldview and she finds herself unable to do her work as efficiently#cause shes constantly wondering what the secunits are thinking about the people etc etc she starts trying to make conversation with them#she ends up getting rescued by mbs humans again when the secunits take over the be ship and leave her on some colony#and then when shes unemployed (because she lost sm equipment or whatever) and forced to take up a job at pumnt they do tell her#& then she doesnt talk to anyone for twenty days#(also shes fucking. like so much.) (<- in any fic writer is taking inspo. please note)#the murderbot diaries#system collapse#system collapse spoilers#leonide#three#my art
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they put the televangelist in the same school as at least two extremely radicalizable children
#not art#the like. kipperlily ''lack of narrative'' story fucked me up baby you are PRIME decentralized cult material#and buddy dawn.... like we understand in this One regard kristen is extremely lucky right#that she found a really fucking good support network right out of leaving her old faith#lmao this is why I dont dare dabbling too hard into fh the Setting. that is Too Current#those are my friends but with less social mobility bc theyre Fucking Teens!!!! they can kill monsters but#can they Live. In The World. watching fh this close to teenagehood is stressful lmao
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at least i get to be cozy in a shirt i printed
#i was sooo happy printing this at work lol#i had been listening to the album on repeat and saw slime on the schedule snd RAN to my boss like#“ARE WE PRINTING FOR POLLYANNA?!?!?!?!” and she made sure i was the one to set up/print the shirts#there was another design i set up but couldn't finish the job bc it was such a big print it hurt my wrists after a few rounds#man it was so fucking cool meeting them and telling them how happy i was to print their merch#talking to myself in the tags once again lol but! gonna list bands/artists that are fun to print for#fangirled sooo bad when we printed jhariah merch a few months after i started working there#ben quad was fun too#i love all the goalkeeper prints we do.. their designs are sick#wax jaw has fun designs too i need to check them out#same with grocer#it's fun printing for the local breweries too#I'd like to think my parents would think I'm cool for printing merch n networking with musicians idk#okay i need to go to bed lol#rAMbles#am
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SCREAM
Meeting about working at film festival went soooo well
#MILL VALLEY BABEY!!!! well hopefully but that’s looking like the most promising one#she like posted on Facebook to get extra engagement ASIDE from personally reaching out to people for me#like!!!!!!#what a fucking wonderful woman#“oh my favorite thing is introducing people and helping people network” thank YOU!!!!!!
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it's really upsetting me so to get it off my chest i'm gonna confess that the positivity posts i saw yesterday really hurt. i didn't realise that was a thing in this fandom, and i wish it wasn't because those things inevitably leave people feeling left out and like their presence isn't worth anything to the fandom (plus readers, rebloggers and commenters are integral to fandom community but don't usually get a shoutout). i'm already struggling because of this horrible trend towards using threads in discord which renders most of the servers inaccessible to me, i feel extremely isolated and alone and unwanted, but i was doing okay muddling along churning out fic and a few silly polls and posts now and then until yesterday. the fic i posted today just made me feel so sad after i posted it. it was a lovely fic :( but like what is the point. if i'm worth so little i might as well not be here. why put the effort into making things if no one notices. i already feel so lonely it's like i'm being torn in two, posting things now and then brought me comfort but idk what i have now
#i'm in a deleting everything kinda mood#no one remembered me? oh. okay :(#fuckin hurts so much#i want to finish the johnny stuff but i feel so unbearably miserable now and i don't want to spend hogmanay like that#but i also can't bear to leave it unfinished#i wish i'd never scrolled my dash yesterday then i'd never have known about those posts#it brought me so much joy to write and share those fic#absolutely crushing to discover i don't inspire the same joy in the fandom#i was kinda impressed with having written so much i thought it was kinda cool#maybe it's just really fucking annoying idk#sorry just so lonely and upset and the places i find sanctuary are falling to pieces and i'd actually like to die now thanks#so much shit is going on irl you have no idea and i don't have a support network it's terrifying#nothing i do is worth anything#no one wants me#did u no my mother discarded all the photos that had me in them? kid me just. discarded. she took everyone else and threw me out#shit like that hurts i wish i had a new family or friends to chat to as a distraction when shit gets bad#i mean i get discord dm notifications (not server mentions) if anyone dms me but lol guess how often that happens#i get tumblr dm notifications it's been the only place i've talked to anyone for ages so shoutout to those two wonderful people#god i just. want to be included?#i tried#i failed#fuck.#maybe this is goodbye idk i had stuff to finish up/share#and a million more fics i wanted to write#i don't even know if i can face doing tomorrow's johnny fic#i wanted to do the 12 days of christmas too :(#but the fact now exists that i just... wasn't good enough for this fandom :'(#also i can't face the notifications tab#if it's not a Direct Message i won't see it#god there was SO MUCH i wanted to share! there were gifs i was gonna make to share the suffering and gift fic and silly posts
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Oh you know what? The Raceway construction team becoming so used to Roxy and trusting her so much that they just stop questioning her random bullshit. Walked in followed by several animatronic horses and they're like "oh yeah that's Roxy for you." This is normal. Where'd she get Foxy's bird from? Who knows! Oh hey! She has an actual, living, breathing cat now! Yeah that's fine.
Was disappearing into the dusty void fun? It looks like it was fun. Good for her man, good for her.
#manager like 'WHAT THE FUCK' while the team are like 'oh hey cool a dinosaur!'#they're just not surprised anymore. she sometimes gives them free shit too like. they're NOT complaining#and Cassie loves her! free babysitter! oh they've gone out of the normal network boundaries?#yeah that's roxy for you they're probably fine#they're just so used to her shit within like a month and a half lmao
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Back to our regularly schedules beat downs with part 4 of this au with the wonderful Syn belonging to @seasidemew being put in situations!
Rainstorms
Rain lashed down hard and fast and Syn groaned from under his psychic protection as wind whipped up and slapped raindrops in his face. He did not like the rain, especially with it interfering with his flight and tracking, he couldn't sense anything past the heavy clouds and the rumbles of thunder. It'd been a few weeks since he last actually knew the location of the pair turned trio, he'd left to let their dynamic settle not wanting to deal with the fight and resistance as a new social dynamic formed and when he finally lazily backtracked to locate them he couldn't sense a trace! Nada, zilch!
He thought he sensed a ping of shadow energy far off east one day but it was too far away, with the pairs' travel pace even with Citrus' abilities they couldn't have gone that far could they? Not with May walking at least and from what he gathered from watching them she wasn't exactly the most confident when being carried around either.
Another harsh gust saw raindrops flying right into his eye and he snarled at the sky, "FINE," he growled as if it could hear him and was intentionally trying to provoke him. He shot up through the clouds' psychic energy creating a shield to protect him from any rogue lightning that may decide to take issue with him. Fighting through the storm he finally broke through and flew above it looking down tail swaying at the expanding storm, he lifted himself further looking to try to get an idea of how large the storm was to estimate how long it would annoyingly stay around for. His psychic powers couldn't penetrate the dense storm system meaning he couldn't sense anything below, they could be right below him and he wouldn't have the foggiest clue and that frustrated him greatly.
Summoning psychic energy in his palms he moved his hands in calculated swipes attempting to dispel the storm through sheer will, he saw the clouds shift and swirl underneath him and he smirked at his act of controlling nature.
Screeching in rage at the insult against his skies the long green serpentine god swirled and descended rapidly onto the dark hued Pokemon invading its territory and messing with the balance of things. Their body slammed into a protect barrier in an attempt to slam into this perceived rival knocking them backwards by the sheer force and weight behind their collision snarling at the creature in insult Rayquaza did not allow even a moments breath as a concentrated shot of energy blasted from the back of their throat right at the other causing the protect to splinter and shatter.
Syn shot to the side to avoid the blast glaring at the sky god, "Oh you want to play huh?" He smirked, eyeing up the creature already in a bad mood from the weather and feeling overly cocky with himself in general. Flying past as the god attempted to ram into him again he created shadow energy around his hand like a claw stabbing his hand down into the back of the creature as he flew past to rip a long slash like wound across the length of its back before he had to break away for it's screeching and attempt to whip him with its tail end. He smirked at the damage caused as he watched the gods body spin as it flew to adjust itself.
The draconic power infused rock slammed hard into his back from behind as crackling energy blasted once more from the gods mouth, the energy darted through the sky in shades of purples and blues creating the silhouette of a dragon as it flew slamming into his front secondd after the rock. Syn yelled out in pain feeling his chest burning from the impact as his back ached in turn. His gaze turned hateful towards the serpent crystal in his shoulder growing and power flowing through his veins as his form changed and he went for them again.
His fist collided hard downwards into Rayquazas face as they roared in pain speckles of blood flying out the god's nostrils as Syns fist ruptured blood vessels in the gods snout. His other fist came punching above the creatures eye causing at least a fracture before strategically backing off to attempt a downwards kick into the back of the gods neck. Rayquaza twisted, grabbing his leg in their maw and biting down hard with previously concealed teeth. Syn yelled once more the pain and frustration attempting to kick the gods face but they wouldn't let go.
Rayquaza began to move their neck and head beginning to shake and sway Syn in its jaw like he was some play thing, each jostle sending the gods teeth deeper into his flesh, blood beginning to pour from the gods mouth through the clouds. He moved his body to attempt to grab at and forcefully wrench the serpents mouth open but it only snarled biting down harder as he attempted to pull it's maw open.
Finally it threw him but before he could even rebalance himself it rammed into him with a sickening thud that shook the skies like a crack of thunder. The god didn't stop flying past and swirling around slamming into him over and over each collision with intent to break and hurt and not letting him escape, not allowing him a moment to regain any composure.
Pokemon in the woods below scurried and ran to shelter as the storm cracked and rumbled on above them sensing the dispute as Syns yells of pain were drowned in thunder.
Rayquaza wrapped itself around Syn, squeezing him hard in its middle section crushing him, he felt his ribs cracking and like his arms were going to be popped and crushed further into their sockets. He could feel his consciousness slipping as the god slowly unwound itself. His eyesight was blurry as he looked watching an abundance of energy form around the creature as its form grew larger, orange energy flowed from it's forms as it looked down at him in disgust, before he could think the gods tail came down on him like a mighty whip cutting through his flesh and sending him hurtling down through the sky with a horrid crack that resonated along the sky.
The god returned to its original state glaring down at the clouds before ascending back up into the upper atmosphere having defended its territory.
Syns body smashed and bounced against trees on his way down further damaging his already battered body, he rolled and landed face down onto a bouldery stoned area and an empty gasp of agony wheezed from his throat as he felt his ribs break and a searing hot pain in his chest. Despite the state of him driven by the crystals strength he began to push himself up gasping in pain with blood slowly dripping down the jagged pointed rock he'd landed on, that had punctured through his lung.
He barely managed to remove himself from the rock as his mega form broke suddenly, his hands slipping from the cold and wet as he tumbled off of the rocks into the wet mud and grass with a groan of agony. And there he lay without any more strength left in him to drag himself to shelter or heal, barely able to really form a logical thought around the pain of his body and the difficulty in breathing he was currently having each breath a fight and a wheeze at that.
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May had been out in the rain trying to find shelter, despite having managed to steal a human coat she still shivered for the cruel wind and felt soaked to the bone as she held a large leaf as a makeshift umbrella. She'd flinched to herself at the sound of the storm above, the sudden loud noises right overhead terrifying her with how unpredictable they were and relentless. All she could think of was a cave to at least shelter in she knew there was one nearby when she heard a strange sound. A wheezing, and no not the Pokemon. Despite her freezing fingers and trembling ankles begging her to just find shelter she moved her head and listened to follow the sound worried it may have been another Pokemon in distress.
The bloody bruised collapsed body that she found wasn't what she expected, despite the dimness of the tail and crystal she knew immediately who it was.
"Syn!" She hurried over, despite the fight despite the wariness of him to see him in this state, she couldn't just ignore it. She knew that she didn't really know him at all but she couldn't just continue walking. She knelt and carefully moved him into the recovery position to get a better look at him, gasping quietly at the bleeding wound on his chest on the left hand side. She felt the panic quickly setting in as she didn't know what to do.
Syn could hear someone nearby, had breathing not been so hard he would've tried to growl to preserve what little dignity he had left, his hearing was like he was underwater and incredibly faded but he was almost sure he heard his own name as his body was moved, he wheezed too weak to open his eyes exhaling a struggled, "nne…" as hands just slightly warmer than his cold body carefully cupped over his wound.
She couldn't let him die, she couldn't! I mean how was he supposed to become a better person to grow if he died right here right now? She couldn't let that happen; she owed it to him if he was truly sorry to at least have the chance to make it up to them. Her hands covered his wound as she struggled for clear thoughts, oran berries and medical leaks weren't enough to fix this the other wounds maybe but this looked bad real bad, it was a deep wound by the looks of it, as her hands covered the hole she could feel his breath escaping, oh god his lung was pierced. She tried to concentrate her thoughts to formulate a plan on how to save him, surely there would be some Pokemon nearby with some kind of healing move? Like, like recover or…
She didn't notice her hands blooming with warmth as she tried to think of what to do, green energy forming over her hands and flowing into him and over his body, the move focused on his internal damages mostly, closing the hole in his lung, fixing bone fractures and recorrecting other broken ones. When she opened her eyes from her panic thinking she stared bewildered at the green glow from his body, she glanced quickly at her palms confirming that it was her own powers before quickly focusing herself thinking thoughts of healing and wanting to help him to channel her limited abilities into healing.
Energy pulsed over his body glowing brightly in waves, his breathing became easier and more steady but he was still much too tired to awaken being far too drained from the battle. As the internal wounds and injuries fixed themselves her hands began to tremble with exhaustion before the energy weakened and fizzled to nothing. The rain continued to hammer down, but it seemed most of his injuries now were treatable through other means and he was much more stable.
May moved stumbling a little to her feet with leaf umbrella thoroughly abandoned, she moved him onto his back before crouching and wrapping her arms under his carefully and being rather cautious of the crystal as she heaved and huffed lifting him up the best she could and beginning to effectively drag him along as she carefully walked backwards checking her surroundings as she pulled him along, had he been a bit shorter she may have been able to lift him into a carry but his longer body made that difficult, she could only just pick up Darkness when standing around the waist.
Finally spotting the cave she knew was about she continued to carefully drag him along until they were finally in shelter, hoping he didn't mind when he woke up that she dragged him but what else could she do. Very slowly and very carefully she moved to lay him down on the cave floor, she sighed feeling more than a bit exhausted as she moved to slowly stand again she didn't have time to waste his other wounds still needed seeing too after all. She paused looking at him lying on the cave floor, she awkwardly shuffled closer moving to kneel besides him and pressed the side of her head against his chest listening carefully to his lung that had been injured as he breathed just to make sure that it had in fact healed and she wasn't just leaving him to quietly suffocate or suffer.
She lifted her head, nodding to herself satisfied with the sound of his breathing, no wheezing or whistling, just shallow as she carefully put him in the recovery position again in case he started to cough up blood while she was gone, not wanting him to choke. She took off the coat she was wearing and carefully lay it over him as a makeshift blanket or warmer as his skin was freezing. She wondered how long he'd been out in the rain for as she moved and headed back out to brave the weather for medical supplies.
Syn quietly shivered but he felt something warm on his body as he lay in vague awareness for what seemed like hours.
May swore her bone marrow was soaked by the time she came back carrying a bundle of medical leaks and oran berries as she sloshed back into the cave, she stopped to shake off her body at the cave entrance before she went deeper to where Syn was laying still to her knowledge unconscious. She carefully sat near him and removed the coat from him with a quiet, "I'm sorry I promise I'll put this back soon."
In one hand she crushed some oran berries into a smushed consistency as with her other hand and teeth she peeled the outer leaves off of the medical leak to get to the part that she needed, she squeezed the leak watching the clear fluid fall out the stem into the oran mush in her hand before she mixed and rubbed her hands together watching the color of the mush change into a more purpley to indicate the reaction was complete before she carefully began to cover Syns remaining wounds with the old style medicine.
A hot stinging ran through Syns spine and nerves from one of his injuries causing him to quietly groan and hiss in response as May carefully tended to his wounds creating more of the medical paste to apply as she needed it and wrapping the wounds to keep the paste in place with the long leak leaves. Despite the wound being healed she carefully added a dollop to his chest to get rid of what was on her hands before carefully putting the coat back over him to give him a blanket knowing he probably needed to be warm to recover properly.
May sighed softly feeling her eyes hang heavy, she had probably been up quite a while tending to him as she moved to look at him, she tilted her head a bit at him moving her hand slowly to touch his cheek and stroke up to feel his forehead, he thankfully wasn't burning up because she wouldn't know how to deal with a fever, he was still a bit cool though which made her worry. She slowly moved her hand off of his face realizing that was probably a bit strange but, guess Darkness had been right, he did have some cute stripes.
Shaking her head she moved to the other side of the cave sitting to lean against the wall, though guilt wracked through her as she saw his tail shiver with the cold. Cautiously shifted onto her knees and moved some sticks and leaves from the ground into a pile and held her hands over the little pile as she tried to concentrate, she didn't want him to be cold, just a little spark to keep him warm.
Energy quietly crackled and fizzled little sparks of energy darting from her paws zapping the leaf that fluttered and danced and another dart of energy seeming to walk along the little twig before a small flame formed. It swayed a bit as it grew on the end of the twig as first a soft red before a wave of orange yellow pinks and all colors waved through it and as the flame grew into just a small fire the colors danced and decorated the flame that radiated heat and light. She sighed softly in relief and exhaustion moving to rest back on her ankles, her head feeling more than a bit fuzzy from over exertion.
She watched the flame for a moment making sure it was contained, it shifted and danced but seemed relatively well behaved as she slowly moved to lie on her side tiredness quickly dragging her under into blissful unconsciousness.
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By morning it had finally stopped raining with the clouds beginning to depart and sunlight finally fighting it's way back through, droplets of water collected on leaves and blades of grass dripping down on anyone unsuspecting who knocked the incorrect branch like a mini shower. Syns eyes were heavy and it was a struggle to even barely open one to squint. He was in a cave by the looks of it from the vague shapes and colors he could make out. He blinked with his one eye heavily fighting to get it back open knowing he should be far more alert and wary of unknown environments. He could make out the faint smell of smoke, glancing he spotted some burnt leaves and twigs still emitting a thin little smoke wisp.
He closed his eye again just taking a moment to lie there before finally registering the slight weight on his body, finally and reluctantly he moved his head to look with blurry eyes and hard blinking as a coat came into vision draped over his body though it wasn't exactly big enough to cover him fully. He moved his arm slowly to lift the coat to examine it and paused, noticing green wrapped around his arm. He squinted in confusion as he moved his wrist closer to look at the leaves wrapped around him and became aware of the sensation of more leaf bandaged spots covering his body. What the hell happened…
He remembers the rain, then being above the storm…and..ugh.. That blasted snake. He groaned softly, moving to attempt to sit up and finally noticing a small pile of berries on a leaf left near him. Resting on his forearm to lift himself without fully committing to sitting up he stared at it, wracking his brain for how in the world those got there and if they were left by someone then who? And if they were left by someone were they the one who brought him here? Perhaps it was Citrine..
He turned his head hearing footsteps in the wet grass making faint splats and squelches as the unexpected but familiar orange one came into view, she was holding a large leaf with more berries carefully balanced inside like a bag by the looks of it leaves weaved and formed into a bowl shape. Their eyes met and she blinked at him looking surprised before to his surprise her expression turned into a smile as she looked at him.
"You're awake!" She beamed as she carefully stepped into the cave placing down the leaf bag of berries, "how are you feeling? I was worried figured you'd have woken up before me so when you were still out cold I thought oh that's not good I hope he's just sleepy so I went oh you know I'll go get him some foods for when he wakes he's probably gonna be starving." He watched her talk quickly but her tone was rather bright as she looked at him before kind of floundering as she placed down the leaf bowl filled with water, "oh arceus are you stuck? Do you need help?"
For a moment he was confused before realizing he was still only resting on his forearm barely lifting himself, he didn't feel as though he was genuinely stuck he likely had the energy to shove himself into a sit but, with the way she looked at him all worried and compassionate he let out a sigh lifting his other arm up.
"Yea, I'm, a bit more knackered than I thought I was," he lied, putting on a smile that passed as bashful as she moved closer and for a brief moment he thought of how easy it would be to just grab her and take her life. He felt her gently grab his arm though her grip was rather strong and her other hand gently held his shoulder where he was leaning before feeling her pull him into a sitting position as he blinked a bit at her strength as she helped him sit unassisted readjusting the coat so it was still around his shoulders for warmth.
She smiled at him, "is that better?" and he nodded as he collected his thoughts. She picked up the leaf bowl and carefully put it into his hand using her hands to make sure he had a proper hold on it, "here, you're probably thirsty. Got Suicune himself to bless the water so it is of utmost freshness." She smiled at him again, moving to shuffle from where she'd crouched to help him up to check his tail.
"You know Suicune?" he inquired though his tone was friendly as she shyly laughed slowly unwrapping some of the leaves off of his tail and wiping away the excess medication to reveal a fully healed wound with no mark nor scar.
"oh, oh no not personal or no I've never actually seen him. It's, that's more of a joke me and my brother use when we're reassuring each other that something is safe. Like there berries are good got them from Celebi themselves, or surely these rocks are safe Groundon told me so." She made a nervous soft laugh, "sorry." She felt unsure and awkward as she checked where he had been injured.
He chuckled softly as he drank some of the water it was cool and quite refreshing actually he hadn't noticed the horrid coppery taste in his mouth till just now.
"I appreciate you trying to reassure me that it's not poisoned." Laughing again at her startled gasp as she very panicked told him she wouldn't do such a thing.
"I'm pulling your leg I knew you wouldn't." He heard her sigh in relief as he chuckled moving to pick out a berry to try, "so got these from Celebi huh? Well if they're no good I'll be having words with the little onion." His teeth sank into the flesh of the berry as she made a soft chuckle seeming to appreciate him playing into the joke with her as he hummed softly, "I suppose the onion gets to live," joking on as she made a soft gasp at his answer looking a bit shocked as he chuckled once more at her expression. He bit into the berry devouring it with quiet hunger he hadn't even realised he was feeling. Getting beat down apparently gives one quite the appetite.
He paused his eating feeling Mays palm gently rest on his chest, he looked at her hand then back at her seeing her expression being quite focused as he raised a brow, "I didn't think we knew each other that well," He easily teased as he watched her expression become startled as she removed her hand.
"I'm sorry! When I found you you have a chest injury and I wanted to make sure it was like healed? That I couldn't feel your lung struggling I guess? So I thought hey I'll just feel through my palm because I didn't want to just put my ear against your chest because that's kind of weird but that was probably even weirder I'm so sorry." Her voice was undeniably stressed as she rambled her reasoning.
Syn smirked a bit gently taking her wrist and placing her palm back on his chest, "well by all means nurse, feel away," He chuckled removing his hand glad when her hand didn't pull away. He took a long deep breath in, he held it and then exhaled for her as well. She nodded a bit to herself.
"One more time? Just a bit slower." He chuckled taking in another long deep breath but slower, holding his breath and then slowly exhaled as she nodded once more, "feels, good I can't sense any difficulty and that didn't hurt right? Ah Magikarp I should've asked that before I started touching and letting you do breathing exercises I'm so sorry."
He waved a dismissive hand to the side, "if it'd hurt I would've gone 'ow!'" He chuckled, "and I did the breathing first, I wouldn't have if it hurt. For someone who patched me up and brought me here you're so apologetic. I mean you and whatever pokemon you convinced to use recover or whatever healing move on me saved my life."
He watched her duck her head shyly slowly moving her palm and brushing her thumb over a scar that had been left behind, "it was me actually, I just, if I'd been stronger maybe you wouldn't have a scar so I feel bad I couldn't heal you spotless." He hummed slightly moving his hand to the scar making a soft sound as May pulled her hand away.
"oh yea, would you look at that," he'd not noticed before a paler spot of scar tissue, "well what's another stripe, besides I imagine without your help I'd have a lot more to worry about than a little scar." He lazily brushed off his chest of imaginary dirt, "and that's not the worst scar I've received and whenever I look at it I know it's because I was helped by a very pretty nurse." He gave her a toothy smile as he saw hues of pink appear on her face before she looked away shyly laughing in response.
"oh don't look away from me, cute thing, how am I to admire the one who saved me?" He moved leaning closer as she looked away harder cheeks and over her snout thoroughly pinkened, "I must say I'm impressed you even managed to move me, did you perhaps mega evolve? Or levitate me?" She leaned away from him in shyness gently putting her hands to his face and pushing him back away from her making a soft odd embarrassed e-eh vocalization type sound.
"no, no I just, I had to drag you? Sorry," she glanced at him nervously worried he'd be mad at being dragged around, he blinked, pressing his face into her hands that were holding him away for sheer sanitys sake, he looked her up and down brows coming together in thoughtful puzzlement.
"You must be very strong," as he tried not to laugh at the mental image of her dragging his large mega body. Like a Lillipup with a Snorlax plushie he couldn't help grinning at the thought as May shyly looked away.
"I guess? Uh," she slowly brought her hands back to herself feeling awkward about holding him away by the face, "sorry," to which he chuckled easily.
"Oh it's all good, I could certainly get used to having your hands on me after all." The squeak she made as she ducked and moved to get up made him chuckle in a mischievous fashion though sad to see her put physical distance between them he was sure the blush was reaching her horns.
"Well!" She fumbled with her hands a bit shyly glancing over to him as her face felt very warm, "since you seem in good spirits I suppose I can uh, with confidence say you'll be fine and probably don't need anymore help from me? So you're uh, discharged or something." She could see him grinning at her playfully as she realized she was playing into the nurse bit.
"Why not stay? I haven't seen you eat a bite yet, and I'd like to see you eat, so why don't you join me in breakfast?" holding out a berry for her as she looked a bit shy and unsure, "Please? I'm sorry for teasing you really, I'm still trying to do and be better so let me show you that I'm changing for the better?" He looked at her all soft and pout like watching her shoulders slowly relax as she smiled back at him with a soft;
"oh fine, but only because you're looking at me all sad." before moving to sit opposite him accepting the berry he held out and taking a careful bite. His tail swayed content watching her stay with him, smiling to himself as he bit into a new berry himself enjoying the flavor on his tongue wondering what she was thinking of him right now, surely positive things. With how pink she was he was curious if she was attracted to him.
"So," He started carefully, "how come you're all on your lonesome? I haven't heard or seen Citrine or pinky yet." He had to bite his tongue from adding a cheeky 'though I suppose you're pretty pinky right now.'
She looked at him with a soft, "oh," as she thought around a new mouthful of berry buying herself time before settling on, "Matt wanted some space, I asked Citrine to watch him, I'm sure they'll be back soon."
He tried not to show his intrigue, so she was alone, and she was alone with him of all people. He hid his thoughtful smirk behind another mouthful of food. Well, he was sure she would come around to liking him and understanding what he had to offer incredibly soon.
"Ah," He vocalized thoughtfully. "Say, if you're on your own and I'm on my own perhaps we could, travel together for a time? I'd hate to leave you on your own after all, especially considering how kind you've been to me. And, maybe you could get to see how I'm doing and what I'm doing to improve myself? It's been a while since we last saw each other after all and I want you to see that I'm serious about getting better." He smiled at her in casual affection, lies falling from his mouth easily.
He could see her hesitate for a moment, her tail shifting and waving in slow thought. He wasn't particularly panicked, she saved his life and stuck around to take care of him stayed to eat together there was no way she wasn't at least intrigued enough by him to consider the offer and by how open she was to interaction he can't see her denying.
"I, I think that'd be kind of nice actually," He hid a knowing smirk, "but," his mouth fell, "I'll be honest I'm still, wary of you..which I know is pretty awful of me considering that you've been really quite nice and you're likely working hard to improve your image and self and I don't want to knock you down from that, you seem to be really coming along well I'm just. It's just a me thing is all." He could see her squirm a little in guilt, in honesty he knew she was being completely reasonable and rational to be cautious of him especially as he knew he had less than honest intentions but seeing as the self doubt was already planted evident by her awkward disposition it made his job easier.
"No no I completely understand, we, didn't have a first good meeting and my behavior afterwards wasn't, I'm not the most proud of it." He looked at his hands as though in sorrow, "I completely understand your caution and I just appreciate that you're giving me a chance." He looked to her and smiled, "you're really kind for that." He saw her face soften into a smile, anxiety ebbing away slightly. Hook line and sinker she believed him and felt more reassured in his company.
He finished off the last berry and sighed softly in contentment, though he'd preferred something more meaty and maybe a bit more alive; he couldn't complain when the berries were picked for him and he didn't have to forage. He glanced at her seeing her finishing up as well as he stood up offering his hand to her.
"Let's go then huh, together?" He smiled down at her as she looked up at him, her expression soft as she smiled and took his hand so he could help her up to her feet.
"Together."
#My writing#@seasidemew oc#@seasidemew syn#Tw blood#Tw fighting#Tw violence#Tw lung injury#Tw manipulation#Syn that lives in my brain: hey who are those fighting warning for op. Me: oh no one..go look over there real quick#Beating Syn with a mallet and he squeaks like a chew toy at ever smash#Me: how would Syn logically be in such an injured state he needs healing he's like really op#The mushroom network that lives inside my brain: Have rayquaza beat his ass#Me: :0 you're right! Lmao so me just pits him against rayquaza because I need the scene dammit#And yes Rayquaza does mega at the end to land the finishing strike out of pure pettiness he's allowed#And YES half dying Syn does try to wheeze Anne because like he's real fucked up rn and presyn brain probably kind wishes she was with him#I just love the tragedy of to some minor degree a little part of him still thinks of her wishing she didn't let him go#Also he really do just be out here like oh May just saved my life? Press x to flirt#There's a time and a place my man's lmao#The oran berry medical leak thing is a PLA reference my fav medical media trope is slap some goop on that shit#Also he really just out here like I'm a good boy now see I'm totally getting good character development come closer I promise I won't bite#Also Syn once more grumpy with the weather I dunno why but I make him very grumpy about things in my writing XD as a treat on the house#I also make him seem weirdly touch starved lmao because he probably is lmao pressing into that touch#Funnily enough this is technically still pre corruption arc XD he still gets a lil corruption in probably but like no actually shadowin yet#Which is very funny to me because lmao these are all establishing fics I fucking love my build up fixs
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‘Another’s Mask’
The Masks We Wear [THIS WAS ON PURPOSE THIS WAS ON PURPOSE THIS WAS ON PURPOSE LMAO]
“ Through a fresh wind… This digivice will purify you into a beautiful and just soul! Digicode scan! ”
The unlucky troublemaker's Digicode unwrapped from its body, the strings following Fairymon's D-Scanner. What was left was a confused digimon, probably manipulated by the many Dark Area demons into causing havoc. Maybe it'd become a kinder creature this time.
Mission accomplished, it was time to rest. The Digicode now dissipating Fairymon's form, revealing a golden-haired girl, who giggled and clapped her hands.
" Commozione!! And I didn't even need to make all the mess the boys make! With a bit of strategy and care, any villain can be defeated without destroying the village they're attacking. "
" Aah... ", she sighed wistfully, " Now I just need a good serving of gelato to end the day... "
#World Wide Chosen Web | The Digimon Network#Out Of My I-Mart Shift | Out Of Character#fallingdarknesswarrior#[my girl..........who i never gave the attention she deserved...............]#[and now i don't have the brain or the memory to do it anyway]#[i had to rewatch the fairymon episode]#[i hate how it's FUCKING KOUJI who saves the day]#´[frontier why]
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ok what if i made the hardest of hard saves and then played theirinfall redoubt for a laugh. what then
#tay plays dai#who could realistically stop me#man the way ive played inquisition like . at LEAST 9 times at the point and ive yet to ever do that mission#like i dont even know what happens lol. something abt some demon ? cole is there ?#i know more context from asunder than i do from actual gameplay fgkjhfgjk#tbf when i was first figuring ashara out i did consider making her side w the templars#despite being a mage. she doesnt rly hate templars she just thinks theyre stupid and annoying and they give her the ick#but idk. she will always prioritize physical troops over like. her spy network or connections so soldiers seems like something she'd want#also bc actually nullifying the breach makes more sense to her than overcharging it#BUT at the end of the day shes vehemently team mage rights/circle abolition so redcliffe it was#but. im gonna fuck around this playthru anyway i think <3 teehee !
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being 31 with no romantic prospects the only risky texts i'm sending anymore are like job related. SAD !
#sent this hiring manager that works for the same hospital network that my mom has worked at since before i was born#a text explaining why even though she's gone out of her way to help me get interviews for a position there i don't think i can like#willfully take on a position i know is going to be high stakes very stressful and fast paced when my panic disorder is like#kicking my fucking ass rn#it HADNT been for years when we started this endeavor like a month ago but circumstances have changed :-/#she sent me another job posting and was like 'hey can you submit this application today?' and i had to like#send her a novel abt it and probably disqualify myself from other positions within the company in the process. well. c'est la vie
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uninstalled all the dating apps which ws like 8nof them . in the morning ill tell the guys i was talking to that i overestimared how ready i was and hopefully theyll understand andnjust drop it
#i dont feel stable enough for like . any relationship platonic or romantic andnit fucking..rly sucks bc i want to have friends but like#with what happened with daj the other day im like. i dont think i can be like . idk. ik daj said it was ok and she understood but im so#upset that i lashed iut abt that and i keep trying to get into therapy but i fucking..cant find one. at all#im trying to be more reasonable witj mymoney and i know like. i need therapy bc i Need to work this out and i am not able to work it out#with myself. i need to see a professional abt this . so ik it wouldnt be frivolous to spend money on a therapist if i cant find one in#network. bc the in network thrapists dont accept/dont specialize in working with patients with bpd which i like. thats..my issue. im almost#posiitive. ive done a lot of research and it matches up with like . all of my experiences#ik everybody feels unstable after a breakup buti genuinely like. i dont feel whole. and im looking back on how i treated myself and thiught#abt the relationship and its like. i stopped talking to all my friends i stopped talking to my family i literally dropped out of school i#moved across the country i dropped any interest that we didnt share i literally like. i gave up fucking everything and thats not. healthy.#and he never aksed me for that and its not fair of me to resent him for me doing that bc he nevrr asked me to#but i feel like. everytime i think abt him it feels like im being torn in half like . i put him on so incredibly high of a pedestal i#literally thought of him as perfect that was..recurring. and when i was upset with him i took it out on myself horrifically and thats not#normal . and jow thinking abt him literally physucally hurts bc theres still that part of me that thinks hes perfect and that im a mistake#and a failure and i didnt Be connor right. and then theres a part of me that . doesnt think of him that way#and its just like. aughhf. even outside that relationship im looking back on past friendships and how like..obsessive i get with them#and then when they 'betray' me i just. immediately turn on them and like. thats not normal..#and my sense of identity is um. Well you guys have seen. you know.#ive looked into it a lot and i rly think i have it and im not like. 100% positive but i feel like even if i dont itd be good to work with a#therapist who Has experience with that. since the experience is so similar. yk. idk#i just feel insane and i feel like bod would make like. so much of my life and the way i act and the way i react to things like..it makes#sense when i look at it as if i have bpd. and if i dont it literally seems completely irrational and erratic like. IDK. so basically i need#a therapist who can work with that but none of the ones in network specialize in that and then i was researching and found out a lot of#therapists specifically Dont work with bpd patients and like. judge their peers who do for woriing with bod#which is 1. Actually disgusting 2. Straight up stupid 3. Terrifying. so i only want to work with a therapist whi explicitely says I#specialize and work with patients with bpd 👍 but i literally could only find 1 and theyre out of network and its 15p for visit and id#prefer to do weekly visits if possible but thats . 300 per paycheck for therapy . biweekly itd be better but thats still 150. and i have to#save up for the trip home and then the new apartment immediately after#and i have to get credit card .#and in an ideal world id hold off on the therapist until i get my new apartment so that i can fully focus on coping with myself and learnin
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my most self indulgent hc that is closest to my heart and haven't talked about in years is vespa ilkay filipino (her eyes have a rage you only see in 3rd world med students)
#when u grow up in a place where going into healthcare is a ticket out of ur shithole country that exports 10000s f healthcare workers yearly#but only if you're a nurse or some other profession that can still get ordered around in hospitals#the amount of MDs i know who tried working abroad thn got their degrees & licenses rejected so they had to pick up...a wildly different job#and also vespa ilkay medtech grad real in my heart of course (points at heart of it all pt 2 the blood tells you everything)#and vespa ilkays mom ofw na unti-unting hindi na umuwi also real in my third secret heart#her network of med professional friends is fucking huge bc filipinos go into pre/med expecting half the ppl to leave for richer countries#which is to say most of my friends are already making plans of leaving for the usa/australia/singapore etc etc and some are there already#most of her college batch is scattered across the galaxy they have a groupchat named 'brain drain gang class of 2XXX' or wtv the fuck#but also college swamp girl vespa is just so dear to my heart like the mental image of her#studying under a mosquito net sweating wearing a neck fan with her illegally photocopied medical textbooks from rangian recto avenue#she broke my 'characters i love are southeast asian (in general) characers i hate and want to suffer are filipinos' rule i'm sorry queen#skl.txt#rangian recto avenue whee she gets a fake marriage certificate for her and buddy for shits n giggles#guy who knows all the alumni gives her one for free when she visits they have copies of the vesbud wanted posters behind the counter
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Everything is so fucking difficult all of the time
#trying to find a tattoo apprenticship is an act of violence#bitches love giving contradictory advice#and getting mad that you followed the Wrong Advice#the other hot tip is to already know someone#which is bad advice because like...... i cannot go into the past. i can only network now.#but everyone keeps saying you gotta already know them or else they wont give you the time of day#or just hang around the shop until you have a repore#which is also garbage because no one can tell me how to start hanging around a shop without being a nuiscance#I'm not about to sit in someones lobby like ''I'm just here to watch''#and i dont have the money to get tattooed on the reg#and i dont have time to hang out because i have a job#and how am i supposed to both ''cast a wide net'' and ''knock on doors'' at the same time as hanging around one particular shop#i hate it i hate it i hate it#every single interview has told me i have an impressive portfolio#and every single one is not looking#meanwhile other bitches keep being like ''just started my apprenticeship!''#and I'm happy for them but also I'm fucking exhausted#you really just have to already know people but all i can do is try to meet them#i hate it#and on the drive home my neighbor called to say she found my lost cat#and i rushed over and it wasnt my cat#i have no money#and am very tired all of the time#how do people afford to just hang out at shops#i have genuinely no clue how to even start that#tattoo apprentice#autobiography
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Shipping Eve and Thancred (and Uri) has suddenly made EW a lot less emotionally taxing
I mean, until it Doesn't
#personal;#Thancred is a much better person to comfort her after the body switch Considering for all Ibakha or cyn or mom or dad would try#It makes Thavnair more fun bc Eve's there with her harem her sister and esti#and it means when she needs support too emotionally complex for Ibakha or Cyn she can go to one (or booth) of the boys with it#She still spends more time with Ibakha overall than either of them I feel like but she's very much a character that needs#just a huge fucking support network- she also leans on the bard boys some while out there#and Steph and p much anyone who knows and she's leaned on before#Garlemald is ROUGH for her#(And Cyn but Cyn hides it a lot better. She's internally screaming and dissociating a lot but she works fine on autopilot)#(Eve has meltdowns bc she can't bottle for too long and the nights are cold and long and Aki's out there somewhere)#ew spoilers;
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...
#if u happen to b invested in my emailing profs. the lady from yesterday emailed me back almost immediately#to day that my interests and background sound ideal! which is v true! its such a good match! and i should email back in autumn to see abt#a project in 2023! which is v exciting and i hope things come together. apparently its harder to get funding for international students#so i was like cool cool. u will def hear back from me and also can u send me this paper that i cant get online#and she sent it so now i have a wicked cool paper to read. hhhhh i hope this works out#in other news i talked to my parents todsy and they wanna pay for me to fly home for a bit and i was like YES! which is exciting#not sure when itll happen. hopefully before fall. but yeah thats cool. i felt like such a loser bc my life is so boring rn i was like: wait#keep talking to me! i have nothing better to be doing! except thats not true im just avoiding doing things#SPEAKING OF WHICH we have this supid mini conference thing going on rn and i was super looking forward to not attending this yr#bc im not funded by them anymore. but i have to give a presentation thrus so i am invited and i guess my boss expected me to b there?#like if i went it would just be a massive waste of time that i would hate and im not like the most stable rn#like im srry i really don't give a fuck abt shrub encroachment. so i might as well do something useful with my time?#like im sure the main reason they hold it is for networking but i really really dont want to talk to anyone so im just gonna awkwardly sit#around and hate everything. but like maybe i should go as rep for my lab?#but like 3 other lab members r there so like u dont need me there. i really just wanna show up for my talk and fuck off#i really dont want to go tomorrow. i dont have anything that i could bring for lunch and again. dont wanna b there#and i havent done a rapid test which they wanted everyone to do before showing up#so idk what im gonna do. im gonna have tk txt my boss like: do u really want me to b there tomorrow?#but i dont kno how to say that without it sounding like i have a bad attitude bc i absolutely do lol#i just dont wannnna goooooo#unrelated
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