THREE WEEKS NO DEPRESSIVE MELTDOWNS!!! I LOVE ANTIPSYCHOTICS

okay well.

last week i submitted the form requesting a leave of absence from the phd program. this week i'm in toronto to invigilate a final exam as one of my last TA tasks for the term. i took the train this morning, returned all the u of t library books i had languishing, and stopped to pick up tickets for the shuttle i need to take bright & early tomorrow morning (exam's from 9h-12h).

i'm a little bit (like 2%) sad, but mostly relieved. i haven't gotten the official okay for the loa yet, but i'm not sure why they would say no. i'm operating on the assumption that it'll be approved and i'll have 12 months to get over the academic hangover i've had for i think that past 4 years. once i have the official answer from sgs i'm going to send an email out to my committee.

this is going to be a time to rest and breathe and not feel guilty about it. this is going to be a time to reconnect with myself and my interests. this is going to be a time to evaluate what i want and how/if i want to move forward.* this is going to be a time to get a 9-5 job with no major intellectual demands. this is going to be a time to improve my financial situation. i don't have a job lined up yet and i'm not entirely sure what it will be, but i can't worry about that until these TA contracts are wrapped up.

now i'm sat in the library building, a couple of blossoming cherry trees visible through the window, with iced coffee and a bunch of snacks i got from pharmaprix--i will never call it by its english name ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. i have i think 29 final essays to grade before the exam tomorrow morning, and i need to start strictly timing myself for each one (and quit leaving lengthy and chatty comments) if i want to get a couple hours' sleep tonight. i'm staying with friends who have a condo downtown and i'll be heading in their direction around 8pm, but until then i'm here. i'm not entirely sure how kosher it is for me to be grading student work out in the open where students could technically walk by and see, but this class is technically on a different campus so i'm just gonna do it. wish me luck if you've gotten this far, lmao.

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*i genuinely suspect that the answer will be "yes, i want to finish this stupid degree," but i think i need some distance first, in order to get (back) to that place.

is it possible to be aspd if you dont “engage in criminal activity”? what if you mask really well and hold yourself on an incredibly tight leash despite how much it distresses you? the DSM doesnt do a good job at explaining what ASPD actually IS aside from “violent criminal disorder”

It is possible, yes. From criterion one, there are seven total symptoms, and you [technically] only need three to qualify for diagnosis (along with meeting the requirements for the other two criterion--note that we personally view the DSM as incredibly flawed, especially when portraying personality disorders such as NPD and ASPD; however, we are (unfortunately) at whims of the world in which we live, and so are largely beholden to the guidelines made by a bunch of neurotypicals who can only view things through the lens of how our disorders affect them or look to them, generally just totally ignoring the internal experiences of the people with said disorders. So much for having empathy, I guess).

We're an example of someone who has not engaged in criminal activity to the DSM's standards; note that the criminal activity had to have been or would have been enough to get you imprisoned, so something like getting a speeding ticket wouldn't count for this symptom (although it would count under reckless behavior, but I digress). Largest reason why we don't (technically) fit the symptom is that we're physically disabled which prevents... a lot of the things we would otherwise do.

Will my suffering never cease

- went to good Friday evening service even tho it's not a day of obligation, didn't go yesterday evening to Maundy Thursday for a variety of reasons

- priest manages to fit homophobia and transphobia into his sermon. Not even gay marriage. Just unions, that let ppl share taxes and have hospital visiting rights. And big bad scary surgery. Like. Completely unrelated to the matter at hand. Says SO LITTLE abt the Passion, managed to talk for 10 minutes without really saying ANYTHING. Takes Pilate's 'what is truth' and instead of engaging in the long philosophical and theological discussion around that question, decides to use it as a rallying cry against wokeism and a godless progressive society.

- my two ex best friends were there. Ran into them. + One's husband, who I introduced her to a decade ago. Like I'm mostly over that, no longer shitty and resentful, fully know that it was partially my fault and born from my own terribleness at 19 and undiagnosed untreated mental illness. Still uhhh hurts tho??? As a reminder?

- music bad. Ok I'm petty. I'll give the trads (1) point. I don't like guitar mass. I will NOT agree with the trads in assigning moral weight to my aesthetic preference. It's simply a preference, which does not make any musical form inherently superior to the others. But the triduum really lends itself to Latin hymns and chants, in my heart. My other fave church music is traditional Black spirituals. I would greatly prefer either. But just. If it sounds like an acoustic version of a pop love song. I just. I can't. I KNOW I'm the weird about Jesus romantically girlie. But I am not vibin with this folks

Literally would have simply Walked Out. Hit da bricks during the homily. But was with my family so 1) cannot out myself 2) did not have house keys on me, so I was suck regardless

Anyway I said I wasn't going to do fun things today but I'm so upset and cranky and I did chores all day, I am going to catch up on dungeon meshi. Marcille is my best favourite cringefail girl I'm obsessed with her and surely the wlw neurotic fussy mage who loves her friends will not betray me like this

I cut my finger on a tiny shard of pottery ☹️ I did that last time I unloaded a glaze kiln too. this time I wore gloves but got cut at home while measuring shit

magnets are looking good though

I guess the nests are coasters but yeah, small flat things are good

tomorrow-me: I'd really appreciate it if you could drag your arse to the grocery store so that I won't have to get up early tomorrow morning to do it you know?

now-me, wrapped in a blanket with tears in my eyes: but I'm just a baby?? 😭

🖇️

What is a Monday? A miserable little pile of obligations.

semester turnover restructure

generate/send out error reporting

figure out how to separate out unique counts

create polite reply to Massive Dick Move email

finish the bad book >:(

bò kho (not an obligation. dinner)

laundry

lizard bath

i decided to stay home today because i felt terrible but was positive i would get up and start the day five hours later i am still in bed feeling terrible today was supposed to be at least an okay today: therapy and in the evening a concert

25. vermillion mandated tea break :)

I think from here out I will be tagging my vent posts as “weekend whining” if anyone wants to filter them

.

me: i'm fine :)

me, immediately after: i should do something drastic with my hair

I need to go thrifting and overhaul my wardrobe I need to go thrifting and overhaul my wardrobe sososo bad

i promise I’m a huge proponent of blocking and curating your experience etc and yet it also seems like I complain all the time sorry asdgjkhkl but this fandom has genuinely made me paranoid about following or reblogging anyone new lest I be blockt n cancelled yet again for the associating w the wrong ppl crimes I seem to have committed several months ago when I got into foblr. which is kinda a bummer