i don’t know if we’ve posted these yet but I forgot that we’ve been working on a new sona for probably a year now?

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Future Islanders: My thoughts

My predictions about the Islanders we haven't seen yet, based on their character designs. This information will be 100% accurate, guaranteed*

*Not at all guaranteed

Spoilers under the cut. 18+. Contains gratuitous swearing.

Love his style, love his vibe, love his earring. He's so cute, and seems like he's gonna be really fun and flirty. But dear God, when I saw his surprised face, I just:

Those eyes - those fucking eyes. They are lifeless. Like this man has seen either seen some shit or had some serious plastic surgery, and I worry about him. I just… oh god, I got the ick so fast it's not even funny. And then I realised he got the same as Ozzy and got the Rocco flirty face which ends up looking like this emoji specifically

Definitely has a cool job though - maybe a runway model, artist, or some other artistic profession. Definitely from a cool part of Inner London.

*Editing to add:

It’s been brought to my attention that the way I worded this criticism is rather offensive, and I want to clarify what I meant. When I mentioned Andy’s eyes, I was referring to the way they were drawn. Usually when animating a character you’ll give them smile lines or crinkles to show a smile “reaches their eyes” etc, but this looks like they just slapped a shocked mouth on him and nothing else. My intention isn’t to make fun of his eye shape itself, or of any aspect of his ethnicity, it was a poorly worded/thought out criticism and I’m sorry 🤍

Villain. Calling it now, she's a villain. Her pose is too cool and confident to be anything other than a villain, because GOD FORBID Fusebox give us a strong, confident WOC that doesn't have some deep, unbridled desire to get her claws into whichever man we tell her we want.

I LOVE her design though. She's got super cute outfits, and isn't afraid to show a bit of skin (THAT CORSET TOP GIVE IT TO ME!) so definitely great style. I'm calling it now - she's a model. Might even be French. If she's French and a complete and utter bitch I might just fall in love with her, give me the pain, urgh.

SNAAAAKE SNAAAAAKEEE AHHHH IT'S A SNAAAAAKE

Don't let the glasses fool you. This man is a snake. I knew it from the second I saw him, and it's only been confirmed in the Casa postcards that @oliverslove posted. Never trust a blonde man (except Lewie, trust him with your life and ass).

Judges you on your book choices, but hasn't read one himself in years. Namedrops philosophers but has never had a unique thought in his life. Thinks some of Jordan Peterson's ideas "aren't actually that bad, when you think about it".

This is a man who looks innocent on the outside. "Oh, look at me, I'm a cute little nerd who reads books and plays D&D". But I guarantee, he's a fucking asshole. The kind of guy who thinks women owe him something, so treats them like dirt when they don't give him what he wants.

THAT SAID, his daywear is super basic but very cute, and he's wearing Versace underwear, so he's probably loaded. Jobwise - I'm putting my money on marketing or some other office-type job.

Okay, yeah, she cute. But I am suspicious of her too. Something about her screams Lily from S3 to me, like she's gonna come in purely to take my man. And what's worse, in the Casa postcard she's in bed with a girl, so she might even be taking my girl too!!!!

Love her style, but don't love her vibe. I can't even develop any thoughts outside of wild jealousy.

🤢 sorry, let me just *throws up in my mouth*, 🤢 Felix 2.0, God, I hate his character design so much. When I saw him briefly in his daywear I got SO EXCITED because I thought we might be getting a dadbod, but no, apparently the guy who walks around in the camel-hair woven poncho has a FUCKING EIGHT-PACK (FUSEBOX IN WHAT UNIVERSE?!!??!?!??) Then I thought he might be an environmentalist type, you know, vegan, save the animals and that. But then I saw his LEATHER JACKET and SHARK TOOTH NECKLACE and God damn it, I've lost all faith. This guy wants so bad to be Rocco it's not even funny, at least Rocco was decent looking, this guy has a pig snout for a nose and a smooshy face, don't ask me to elaborate, I hate him, and don't get me started on the fact he's wearing SANDALS with his FORMALWEAR

Smokes so much weed he can't get it up, will disappoint anyone who comes near him. Stay away, 0/10.

Gold diggers come get your man! It's Lucas Beresford-Smug the third. If this guy doesn't have a double-barrelled last name and a numeral in his name I will buy a hat and fucking eat it. Absolute guaranteed 100% arrogant FUCKHEAD, giant twat, thinks he is God's gift to women until he inevitably meets MC and falls so desperately in love that he changes his ways to show her he's the man she deserves. Yeah, okay, the storyline's predictable. Yes, he's likely an insufferable, sheltered, self-obsessed pig. But does that make me want him any less? ... No it does not.

Already posted it in response to @rebelrayne's husband's thoughts but what kind of spoilt little asshole wears a US$20,000 watch IN THE FUCKING SHOWER!!!!!!!

I don't care that it's water resistant to 100m you don't wear a $20k watch IN THE SHOWER and expect people to not think you're a complete and utter fucking asshole. He's a Jasper/ Lucas / Tom hybrid, with Taron Egerton's body and face, I'm getting a short king vibe but maybe that's just from the way his suit is way too big through the shoulders for him, making him look like a 1920's gangster. Works in finance or medicine, I will stake my life on it.

Blindfold this man, kidnap him, and handcuff him to the bed in the hideaway, he may very well be the death of my loyal Lewie route. He is so fine I can't breathe, it's something about the beard. Bearded men are the death of me. And if he's Ozzy's older brother, sorry, suddenly I can't breathe.

I have very few thoughts about him other than the fact he's a fucking stunning piece of artwork that, if real, I would physically need to take a bite out of. I am barking at him, god fucking damn. The arrogance and confidence and big dick energy required to wear an all-cream outfit is just... urgh, someone splash me with water.

Unfortunately, like his brother and Andy, our beloved and holiest daddy (Marshall) also got the Rocco treatment for his flirty face

It's not as bad because his beard covers the smirk, but holy shit, Fusebox, do better. I don't want to be doing a steamy scene with the boys and they whip out THIS. It makes me want to punch something. DO BETTER.

What an absolute waste of a hot-guy name. This dude looks like John Travolta had a child with Littlefoot from The Land Before Time. His mouth looks like it was slapped on his face as an afterthought, his eyebrows are too thick, and the only hot face he has is his angry one, which I'm going to be trying to elicit as often as possible. He looks like he's been to prison, Wentworth Miller vibes but not in a sexy way. Tried to join the skinheads but they didn’t want him. Tried to get a teardrop tattoo to look hard but everyone just ignored him. Strongest of strong dislike, 0/10, I will slander Toby until the day I die. Boooo. BOOOOO.

tora aikawa / twisting tiger headcanons/rewriting/etc.

(march/11/1990)

pisces sun | virgo moon | aquarius rising

INFP - 9w8 - sx/so - 974 - ESI - RLUAI - EFVL - Melancholic-Phlegmatic

general headcanons:

• trans masc, he/him, gayace,

• nobody cares but his sexuality headcanons were made by me when i was mad at wattpad bitches infantalizing him and making him their uwu japanese anime boyfriend,

• also he is little gremlin man before anybody start treating him as omg so cute trans boy hahaha gay baby. nah, he will kick you directly in the balls (even if you don't have them) and he will do this with pleasure,

• as a kid he was creepypasta enjoyer (he tortured miko with them when he was trying to sleep),

• philosophy nerd, not only into "asian philosophy", but philosophy in general. marxism, stoicism, nihilism, epicureanism, etc. everything,

• he reads this big fucking books weighing tons and they are always the craziest shit ever like "the idiot" by fyodor dostoevsky,

• i think he is russian literature fan in general,

• i think he had something that we could describe as depressive episodes, but he was never diagnosed with it til adulthood. and to be honesg tiger himself thought that everyone have felt something like that from time to time,

• probably has light ptsd,

• his friendships with nakama players (besides his and miko bond) aren't that strong like they used to. this is "when both of you start to distancing from each other and you become strangers to each other" situation, (he misses them)

• he self expressing himself very often in form of his new tricks, but also in his writing (he has a lot of notebooks with multiple essays),

• loves cartoons,

• <energy drinks3,

• he has keyhole top surgery type of scars,

• he become strika member after his whole transition journey,

• when doc got his medical results he was a little bit confused bcs birth certificate said that tiger is afab, so he informed coach about it,

• some day after training coach took tiger aside and told him that if anybody's gonna have problem with his identity, he will talk to them and he also asked tiger if he was capable of informing him or doc about his problems/health,

• rasta was first to know, bcs he and tiger went out for a beer together once and tiger started pointing out on his chest and telling a whole story totally drunk. the next day rasta walked up to him and asked in friendly-jokingly way is it safe for him to remove his muscle breasts, to which tiger replied with laugh,

• besides rasta, coach and doc. shakes, klaus and probably whole reserve players bench know about him,

• y'all will eat me (for speaking the truth) but matador, joe and north don't know about the fact that he is trans. bcs north definitely says f/aggot at least once a day, el is this cis lgb+ stereotype in tigers eyes (even tho matador doesn't care about gender identity, if you are hot, then you are hot and you will have to deal with his interest in you) and joe may perceive tiger differently when he would come out (again, this is how tiger feels about him),

• he is very critical of the sigma male trend and whole "sigma" idea in general, he even done a research and watched and read american psycho and fight club (yeah ik this is so random),

• idealist. he is close with his feelings and morality, so he assumes very often that everyone controls their own emotions like him,

• he is both idealist and skeptic,

• texts >>>>>>> voice messages/video calls,

• had religion crisis,

• he develops his trust to people very slowly,

• has mulitple accounts on twitter and makes the best trolling posts out there,

• he has decent knowledge about politics,

• watches kdramas when bored,

• he was wearing brackets in the past,

• has a lot of collections (like gadgets from chips' wrappers, TALISMANS, jewelry, figurines), but he is not obsessed about them,

• has tattoos like this:

• DEFINITELY HAS SOMETHINGG FROM HYPERMOBILITY SPECTRUM. that's why he is so flexible.

throught the series (og tv show, rewriting):

• [—] is waiting to be completed.

relationship with:

• miko: ik a lot of you ships them, but they are platonic to me.

they are like brothers. sometimes they fight for dear life and the other time they send each other funny memes at 3 am. in my head, both of them didn't have a great family dynamic, so they stayed together late at night.

miko was more easy going, so he was always worried about tiger when something happened to him. they aren't ashamed to show their love to each other.

• inyo: when they were kiddos she truly loved him in the most sisterly way you can think of. both of them are very careful when it comes to developing relations so they become very important to each other. it hurt when they had no contact with each other for years and then they become super league enemies (they never even have a talk after this).

• rasta: tiger is welcomed in rasta's house and tiger is always open to do something for rasta in return. buddies.

• cool joe: its complicated. on the one hand they are good friends and joe considers tiger as one of the most normal mates in their team, but they still have that unresolved tension that prevents them from deepening their relationship further.

• others: ?

fashion headcanons:

• smokey eye makeup supremacy,

• TW SCARYASS PRINTED SHIRT. he wears t-shirts with the most obscure shit on them

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.

.

.

.

• his style is something between grunge, gothic and alt,

• he wears platform shoes to look taller than he actually is,

• some examples of his fits:

music headcanons:

• soft rock!! (car seat headrest is his beloved), j-pop, mcr & bôa.

NSFW:

• had a tdick at the time when he was playing for nakama,

• is into t4t relationships, bcs every cis gay guy he had thing for were super weird about him and either have had internalized transphobia or specific fantasies that crossed his boundaries of comfort,

• tldr give this man a trans bf so he could have the most non sexual intercourse.

--Headcanon dumps.

The only soul my Mammon owns is Fizzarolli, which is turning out to be something entirely different now. & If there's any other souls - my bet is on Mimzy & canon to this blog - Angel Dust. He's gonna get him whether Valentino likes it or not.

My Fizzarolli is an Trans. He just didn't get the top surgery. You make fun of him, he'll fucking hurt you.<3

Speaking of, my Angel Dust is intersex.

Travis is Angel Dust sexual. Doesn't mean he can't have friends, if he can make any. He's been obsessed with Angel since he first caught sight of him. Hell, he even divorced his wife just to focus on getting Angel to be his. He might be sleazy & underhanded, but can't say he hasn't changed to being loyal. He's trying his best here, okay? 

Moving onto Vox. Vox is- in his main verse, he is still one hundred percent Alastor obsessed. But if he's in a verse where he's taken, it's exes/petty rivals etc. He'll just bitch & complain a lot. 

I haven't touched base on this yet, but Chaz never actually returned to Crimson or came back into contact with Moxxie or Millie. Unless it's in a verse stated otherwise, he's moved on. ( -coughs-Striker/Angel/Travis-Coughs- )

Moxxie still lives in Greed, just away from Crimson. Noted this on the muses, but he's also dyed his hair to match his mother's more. 

When Moxxie was young, Alessio took the responsibility of taking care/looking after Moxxie when Crimson couldn't be bothered. He might not show much emotion, but he cares for the boy. 

Is there something that worries you about top surgery? Like recovery/pain etc...

Cause you sound super duper happy but I would be scared af🥲

yeah of course i have worries :') i knew a lot about it beforehand, but researching the specifics there's a lot of supplies needed for instance, and care taken. like i can't lift anything more than 8 lbs or 3.5kg for a couple weeks, im gonna have """t rex arms""" for a week or two so i cant reach very high and showering will be a bitch, im gonna have to sleep on my back and i have HORRIBLE chronic back pain, stuff like that. the chance of complications are low, though

but even if there was a 90% chance of complications, and i came out looking like someone was painting my chest with a knife, and one of my nipples falls off and i for whatever reason feel so much pain i pass out, i have nerve damage for the next year, WHATEVER, they'll be gone so i'll be happy.

im most worried about missing school😭tbh. and i wont be able to work out for a couple months. i hope im not jinxing myself, but i've been through enough to make me resilient mentally so tho i know it'll hurt and everything, im prepared enough and i want it enough to go into it without fear (but a healthy amount of concern)

venting; sister in law being a bitch.

Prefacing this with- I love my partner. I adore them. I don't want to leave them....

...but... Sometimes, I wish I had the means/income to get my own place, because I canNOT stand my partner's sister, and I'm reaching my breaking point with how she treats me.

My room is next to hers. I rarely leave my room, because either I'm bedbound due to fatigue, or I'm at my desk writing/drawing etc.

When I'm awake during the night, I am so quiet- I walk on my toes, I have memorized where the creaky floorboards are, I know how far to open/shut doors so they don't squeak. I have earbuds that I put UNDER my headphones so the noise isn't heard.

I take SO MANY precautions to be quiet at night so I don't wake anyone else up.

Meanwhile, Annie stomps like an elephant doing clog dancing down the hall. She loudly calls out "HELLO???" at my partner's door to wake them up. She shrieks with laughter, she has LOUD spirited conversations with my partner about frivolous stuff, and she's LOUD AF in the kitchen.

I don't expect anyone to be quiet during the day. I'm used to this. But if she had ANY common courtesy, she would take her yelling, shrieking, laughing, etc somewhere else in the house- and wouldn't stomp and slam doors when going past my room. She doesn't.

My partner is a teacher, so it's rare when they have time off- and when they do, it rarely overlaps when I'm awake during the day.

It seems like every time these things overlap, and we try to have a long conversation, Annie screams at me for it. She works from home, she has noise cancelling headphones, but she won't wear them when we're trying to have a conversation that's longer than a few exchanged sentences.

I RARELY leave my room anymore because I swear, if there's conversation going on, and Annie isn't involved, she gets snippy.

Either she yells about taking it somewhere else (Which isn't possible, she yells if we take it outside because we're too close to her work space; if we take it somewhere else in the house, she can still hear bc the house has connected vents); or she changes the subject repeatedly/derails until the convo is focused on her and my partner.

She also usually finds passive aggressive ways to mock me when I'm involved in the convo, because she knows I'll get upset and just leave instead of standing up for myself.

Prime example: talking about food, and she says something like "Our family is higher class, so I guess we never thought to try something like that" or "That explains a lot"; or she gets up in arms about my opinion of something, and I have to backpedal and stomp on my own beliefs/opinions to avoid her being nasty and sullen for hours.

(She also has said to my partner she doesn't want me wearing tank tops anymore bc she can see my top surgery scars under my armpits and they gross her out and she doesn't want to see them, but I told my partner Good Fucking Luck changing that because I'll be damned if I'm gonna let her poor feelings change my wardrobe, especially since she bullies me into staying in my room 99% of the time ANYWAY.)

Today was a rare overlap day and I was TRYING to have a conversation with my partner about cooking, groceries and shit because we're both looking into starting the keto diet to lose weight, get in shape, and shit, and Annie just LOSES it and screams at us to take it to another room.

So I just shut up and go back to my room as I hear her say in this sugary sweet baby voice "Sorrryyyy I'm workiiiiiiing and I'm in a bad mooooood" and I just ignore her and SLAM my door and she screams that I'm an asshole and a child.

And now I'm back in my room, alone, and she and my partner are having a conversation, and Annie's laughing loudly. She just wanted me out of the way.

(She's also trying to convince my partner NOT to do the diet because "I'll be the only one eating carbs" and she doesn't want to eat what my partner will be cooking because it isn't what she wants.)

I knew she was part of the package deal when I moved in. I knew going into this relationship that my partner came with two kids- their literal child, and their infantilized sister.

But honestly, if I had the means, I'd move out. I'd stay in a relationship with my partner, but I am losing my mind with the bullying and disrespect from the SIL.

I'm so tired of it.

okay wait im gonna bitch about something so quick disclaimer: you can do whatever the fuck you want forever. i dont care. this isnt about anyone specifically i just see it a lot in danger days stuff so im putting it on the danger days blog

its so boring to me when people slap top surgery scars onto a presumably canonically cis male character and call him trans. like obviously i love trans headcanons (theres no cis killjoys) but especially in a context like danger days where there probably is limited access to gender affirming everything it feels like such a limited version of transness. like is hrt and top surgery the epitome of transness for people? like make no-hrt no-op characters, make characters who do unconventional gender affirming things, make trans characters who get bottom surgery too, just SOMETHING interesting PLEASE

like for danger days. theres so much room for exploration of transness without medical intervention, passing, the rare occasion someone does get hrt or surgery, people who get surgery without hrt because its easier to get a one-time procedure than it is to keep up with weekly medication, diy hrt and when it doesnt work out well, how transness is viewed when theres a lot of people who dont pass, how gender is viewed in the first place (maybe people dont have to worry about passing because gender isnt viewed the same irl?), how trans people are treated in their crews (like are they treated as the gender they identify as, the gender they pass as, or their assigned gender? are they sort of treated as one but are treated differently than other people of that gender? etc), alternatives to binders/packers/breast forms/etc when traditional versions of those are hard to come by, and thats just the tip of the iceberg you could look at so much more than that.

and like yeah i get that people want escapism they want to see their favs in the body they want and stuff like that which is obviously fine like i said do whatever you want forever im not your mom but just come ON is slapping top surgery scars on someone the best you can do?

and like there are times when i think it would be reasonable for a character to medically transition like if they transitioned in the city then escaped then sure or if one person in the zones had enough money to get themselves hrt consistently then sure that makes sense but every trans character being on hrt and getting top surgery (if ftm) and passing perfectly is BORING especially when you have multiple trans characters like you couldnt even make ONE interesting?

I posted 2,709 times in 2022

That's 941 more posts than 2021!

48 posts created (2%)

2,661 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@wot-tidbits

@highladyluck

@amemoryofwot

@birgittesilverbae

@wheelwheelwheel

I tagged 2,701 of my posts in 2022

#wheel of time - 1,811 posts

#wheel of time book spoilers - 1,620 posts

#wheel of time tv series - 700 posts

#rand al'thor - 524 posts

#moiraine damodred - 443 posts

#memes - 403 posts

#matrim cauthon - 358 posts

#nynaeve al'meara - 296 posts

#elayne trakand - 263 posts

#wheel of time fanart - 232 posts

Longest Tag: 138 characters

#i'm still recovering from surgery and pushed myself too hard so i'm going to wait until i'm better until i respond but for the most part i

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Somehow Moiraine manages to be the most selfless human being on the planet and also the most selfish.

55 notes - Posted August 25, 2022

#4

I’m still mad about the lack of thatched roofs with cranes in them.

What’s your minor-missing-detail-pet-peeve about the show?

68 notes - Posted June 15, 2022

#3

The Ongoing Egwene Exploration

If I’m gonna kick the hive, I might as well cite the books and clarify my meaning.

I’m going to preface this with, while Egwene is not my personal favorite character that doesn’t make her a bad character, a bad person, etc. I do stand by my statement that I find her to be arrogant to the point of being dangerous, and her motivations at time are not as pure as she suggests from her own POV chapters, but ultimately she is who needed to be in the role she played, and she is a vital part of the series.

This is going to be a multiple parter, because I truly wish to be fair about my perceptions. The rest will probably be in September because I’m going to be away on a trip. But who knows I might get squirrelly.

Basically, I’m going to skim through the books and only review mentions of Egwene that give insight to her character/how she is perceived by those who personally know her or her own POV chapters.

As an aside, I would argue that unlikable female characters are important. More important than the Moiraine’s (who also had her fair share of arrogance), more important than the stern-yet-soft-hearted Nynaeve’s. They’re the most important in fiction because we so often don’t get to see them.

Female characters are forced to be likeable or be Amy Dunne. Even their grey areas are carefully negotiated so they aren’t written off as a bitch.

They don’t get to be heroes that you sincerely hope you never have to be stuck in an elevator with.

They don’t get the depth and variety because it makes people uncomfortable.

I find that annoying on a good day, on a bad day it makes me want to burn half my library. Modern writers have developed much more nuanced characters, and we’re beginning to see “new” types of female characters that really are just based on living, breathing, real people, but the backlash and fear of it is often there too.

It’s very easy for people to hate a female character. Just look at any popular series and go to reddit. If by some miracle there’s more than one female character in the main cast, chances are there are individuals complaining about her.

Hell, they’ll complain even if she’s the only female character.

(The phrase Mary Sue will appear often. If it does not make you want to boil with rage at the outright hypocrisy when compared with every mainstream male character I invite you to walk into the ocean.)

Lastly, before we begin, this is solely about Egwene. I can just as easily get into every single character in the series and how they also display negative characteristics but then we’re going to be here for ten years. I specifically said Egwene when I kicked the hive and I’m going to see how well my argument is supported by the source material.

So, Egwene.

Why does she get under my skin? How is she any more arrogant than the other characters in the series? What about her do I find troubling and ultimately dangerous? Am I biased because she was mean to my poor little meow meow trash son Gawyn?

Let us start with our first introduction to Egwene, through the eyes of a very, very smitten Rand. (To be fair, I would also be smitten. Just because I don’t particularly like her doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be half in love with her in ten minutes.) We know through later POV’s that Egwene has admitted that he is easy to manipulate so it is difficult not to allow that to color this transaction now, but let us try.

She begins by mimicking Nynaeve, a figure of authority, perhaps to see the effect it has. This is a trait she carries on throughout the series until she no longer needs to mimic and instead becomes the one who is mimicked.

But she soon shifts focus to staring at Rand, unsettling him because he has a crush the size of a solar system and it’s so obvious Perrin and Mat leave him to his fate. They flirt a little before Egwene reveals her now braided hair.

This is a very calculated move, and it feels planned, on her part. A test. But what is she testing?

Being a young, unmarried man in a small village that definitely pushes traditional values, Rand senses a trap here but it’s not what he’s expecting. I think this gives us a very key piece of information about Egwene early on. We think this is her Hint Hint moment, only for her to pull the rug out and mention not only does she want to become a Wisdom, a woman who seldom marries, but that she’ll likely have to travel to a different village in order to do so because Nynaeve isn’t going to retire any time soon. Egwene is telling us that she wants more.

Queue Belle song.

We also see some of her arrogance here. “She says I have a talent, that I can learn to listen to the wind. Nynaeve says not all Wisdoms can, even if they say they do.” When Rand fails to be suitably impressed, we get the very word used that I have mentioned already: dangerous.

Again, we’re seeing character traits I originally brought up: manipulative, arrogant, dangerous. She strikes me very much as the type of person who plans encounters in her head before they happen. That isn’t a bad thing - as the most socially anxious person ever I do this as well as a way to ease my anxiety and plan for everything I can think of - I am simply making an observation. This does not feel like a casual, unplanned conversation on Egwene’s part.

(Manipulative behavior in and of itself also isn’t inherently negative, most human interaction is based on it.)

Yet this moment isn’t Egwene gently letting Rand down either is it? Because Rand - puppy that he is - mentions he’d never see her again and she’s back to vaguely suggesting it’s not like he cares. Because we only see it from his perspective, it’s hard to know if she shuts down ultimately because the conversation didn’t go how she’d planned, or if her temper really did get the better of her.

Was she angry he didn’t demand they wed? That didn’t demand she not become a Wisdom? What was her ultimate goal here? Did she have one? Because of her age, I highly doubt Egwene is some crazy, master manipulator of Hannibal Lecter proportions. She’s not even on level 1 of that crazy train; I doubt she even knows where the station is. Not yet.

My perception here is she’s likely conflicted and confused about what she wants, and angry that Rand isn’t giving her anything to act on. He isn’t saying no, so she can’t dig her heels in. He isn’t offering to marry her so she can’t react to that either. He’s simply saying he’d never see her again, and what’s she to do with that? Egwene very much is a character who wants to act, and right now she has nothing to fuel her to action.

We do get the idea that Egwene is sensitive, perhaps overly so. Does she feel the limitations of the Two Rivers? How small their world is? Do their recent visitors make her feel equally small and therefore her fuse is shorter than normal?

I do want to mention here that I do not want to dismiss Egwene’s cleverness, or her own abilities when it comes to gleaning information from others. Yes, she’s eavesdropping in this moment, but even before she was reading Rand and the others like braille, which is a skill that should not be undervalued.

See the full post

68 notes - Posted July 9, 2022

#2

SHE’S MAKING ITTTTTTTT.

68 notes - Posted January 8, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I will not go on a random tangent about silhouettes in clothing. I will not go on a random tangent about silhouettes in clothing. I will not go on a random tangent about silhouettes in clothing. I will not go on-

71 notes - Posted January 4, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

1 year post-op

Firstly, I’m one year post op which is INSANE. I started this blog on day 1 of my transition, pre-everything, like even pre “Mike”, and now it’s been a year since top surgery. Like...whaaaaat????

You know how some parts of your life leave you with this feeling of nostalgia that’s almost tangible? Like when the weather is right, you go back to your childhood and get that feeling of playing in the sprinklers with your friends, or when it’s rainy it feels like the town you used to live in, etc. etc. Top surgery hardcore gave me happy nostalgia atmosphere. The weather right now reminds me of being in San Francisco, feeling super tiny underneath all the buildings, exploring the city the day before my surgery; coming to in the hotel room and watching Bo Burnham’s Inside special with a stupid smile on my face, then calling a friend and discussing which D&D class Shrek would be; hugging a pillow on the ride home so the seatbelt wouldn’t dig into my chest; calling my boss from a weird pizza place the day I got my drains out, saying “Hey, remember how I said I’d feel fine after getting my drains out? Yyyeahhhh no, I’mma take tomorrow off, also, don’t get lost in Folsom, there’s nothing for you here” and him laughing saying he went there for a puppy training class; sitting on the couch playing Fallout 3, bitching about how I have to install 5 things just to run the stupid game on Steam; being careful not to move too much because of my drains, and adjusting my compression binder so the seam isn’t digging into my sides; people from my church bringing me home made meals that are supposed to be low sodium but everything is covered in cheese because Lutherans be Lutherans. I LOVED top surgery. It was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

My scars have lightened considerably though they are still obvious. My nips are pretty symmetrical, and I’m really glad I got the nipple graft. I thought about no nips and some of my friends went that route, but I really do enjoy having nipples. 

A lot has happened in the last year too. The bar I did drag and burlesque was sold by the owner and shut down. It was our towns only gay bar. Fortunately, a new bar (like they recently opened) adopted all the lost gays and we have a home there. While I LOVED the last bar, this is a much better fit for our troupe in a much more stable environment. I already have so many happy memories there.

I’m getting married in 5 months. I’m starting to really freak out, not because I’m getting married but because a wedding is a HUGE time + financial + mental commitment. Like, we haven’t even picked our clothes, and this is a 100+ person wedding. And we have no money. This is going to be interesting. The fuck we gonna feed these people, pizza?

My partner didn’t pass the California state BAR the first time around (which is the case 60% of the time, CA has a 60% fail rate). He’s been studying his ass off, and working, and he’s taking the BAR again in July. He was like 10 points away from passing last time. I’m more confident than he is that he’ll pass, but I know all about passing, so he should listen to me :)

bored so i’m just bitchin

lately i’ve been trying to lean into being a helper and trying to motivate strangers when i see that they are down, because i had always wished that someone would have done that for me. in my past, if just one person had intervened with me, things would have been different. it’s also good conversation practice to be empathetic.

but - and maybe it’s just a difference in the times already and the way our social media sites operate on attention given vs how they did back in the early 2010s - it feels like… most people i reach out to absolutely reject help, resources, etc. and i just don’t understand why anyone would make a post asking for help if they didn’t actually mean it.

i hang out on a couple of transmasc subreddits, and there are a lot of teens that are venting out their angst who like to have reassurance which is really easy to offer - but there’s also a LOT of grown adults who are asking for help with what are really easily achievable things. when i see a 20-something transmasc expressing suicide ideation over dysphoria and specifically wanting to medically transition, i like to offer to help them to find a provider and talk about what that would look like. in my experience almost all of them choose to actually fight people offering help, or they avoid answering basic questions. then they come back and make another post with the same “i’m gonna kill myself” bs, which... there’s always more to the story for sure when an adult behaves like that on a largely public forum and not just like, on their own account somewhere, but i just think about the effect it has on the teens who are browsing those communities to see suicidal adults refusing help that they asked for!

and god, i’ve started blocking people daily. it’s a bummer. there’s just so much rampant negativity that it is, once again in yet another way, pushing me away from wanting to engage with other transmascs… and i really just want a little bit of connection with other people who have experienced the same shit i have.

the other day another whole adult expressed the really bad dysphoria they were experiencing, and i commented because it was really similar to how i had felt in the past and tried to reassure them that they weren’t alone and it would get better - and i got a response from this person telling me to fuck off and that they’re going to kill themself because i “assumed they weren’t too poor and fat for top surgery” (literally did not say anything about weight, just said something about things getting better if they choose to get top surgery one day). like it just felt so rude and unnecessary to someone offering kindness and a little bit of hope.

i feel like there is a, for lack of better terms, “jealousy” problem in trans communities too - where people further along in their transition are competition rather than an example of what to look forward to. basically the reason i’m bitching is that i feel like i do not fit in anywhere i want to and i’m tired of trans people just wanting to fight each other and i’m highly envious of people who have good transmasc friends

head cannons for a younger (let's say 21 year old) Trans!Heisenberg how do you think he got top surgery done? how do you feel about how he learned to bind? what do you think it was like being accepted as trans but still deemed a failure in the way his "mother" miranda wished of him? and how funny is it that everyone accepts him being trans but not his wish to be free in other ways??

Let's heckling go!

How he got top surgery I think his options were, ask any of the other lords for help, TRY to get the Duke to help him get out of the village, do it HIMSELF (not a bad idea on paper, bad in practice), and finally...ask Miranda for help. Surprisingly Miranda actually end up performing the surgery for her own reasons and to have Karl "trust" her even more, he would have been weary af, but as the saying goes "Never look a gift horse in the mouth!", he ended up accepting and was...well...surprised she didn't do anything else, going as far as to asking about HRT or future procedures.

how to bind 101 I personally learned about bandage binding in nursing school (long story), so I think Karl would have learned from old medical books about the different ways you can wrap a bandage around you, some are to compress, others are to help with blood circulation, etc HOWEVER, I'm also 100% he learned by trial and error that binding with bandages is RISKY AF, you can cut blood circulation and damage the tissue, you can break your own ribs or, best case scenario, just hurt yourself. We all know Heisenberg REEKS of workaholic tendencies, at some point he realized "ok...this HURTS like bitch, I think I'm getting bruises and my ribcage is killing me" so he began to reduce the time he wore his makeshift binder, taking days to rest until he gave in and accepted Miranda's offer of surgery.

Miranda, you suck as a parent so here's the deal, he was the closest one to be the perfect vessel and to be honest, he would get such a power trip knowing he was able to get Miranda to perform the surgery on him and slowly erase anything that related to him to Miranda's perfect "daughter" It's the small victories and "fuck yous" that keeps him going

Baby steps He knows he can't get the whole cake and eat it, but getting slice by slice is way better, he gets to fully taste his victories why? just imagine this, Alcina hated him way before he began to transition, the feeling of knowing she hates him even more and is infuriated by his presence and his new "man-thing" appearance, he's petty, he's gonna get a kick out of this and I don't think he would care much for what Moreau or Donna think of him now, he's not living for them or to satisfy them, he's doing this for himself...perfecting himself for when he gets to be free

Um. Excuse me. You had cancer??

Yeah... I mean I guess I really haven't discussed it much on tumblr. I have a little bit, but only in vague ways, or rarely made veiled references in tags.

SO, get a drink, get a snack, because this is a bit of a saga, and you already know I am longwinded at the best of times. I'm going to do like Vizzini said, and go back to the beginning. I hope you're ok I'm making this public Shells, it seems easier to? And I'll put this behind a cut because I really do wax on ( and on).

It's the end of August 2018 and i appear to have gotten some kind cold/respiratory infection. I'm at work the first day of it and it feels like a cold. No big deal. (Also this is all pre-COVID so no I didn't have COVID). The next day I feel really awful, so I call off work, and figure all I need to do is rest and I'll be ok. Turns out, NOPE. The next day I feel worse- now I can tell I have a bit of a fever, my appetite was basically, " eat one baby carrot and my appetite is exhausted." Finally, I get to the point that I am having trouble lying down - as in I am becoming short of breath when I try to lie flat (sorry if I am using the wrong word - lay/lie was always a grammar issue that eluded me.) So, I decide, ok, i will be sensible girl and go get medical attention. But I am stubborn and feel the ER is overreacting, so I go to urgent care. i park in the front row of urgent car parking, but by the time I reach the intake desk I have to put my head down because I am so winded and a bit lightheaded.

They take one look at me and tell me, point blank, "we're getting a squad for you to take you to the ER." I say, " what? no, I don't need that, this is not that big a deal." They counter, " you could barely walk in the door and you you are having significant trouble breathing. We don't have the ability to see you here." So, for the first time in my life I have to go via ambulance from urgent care to a free standing ER.

I get to the ER - where they decide, OK, lady, you're a mess. Let's get some chest x-rays and we're gonna slap some IV fluids and I can't even recall if they immediately put me on IV antibiotics or not. But after two hours there they informed me, " hey.... So, we think you need to go to the hospital-hospital not the freestanding ER." I tell them well you better hand me my laptop ( I'm that bitch who takes the laptop with her juuuuust in case I am stuck in the hospital. you never know.) Because i am not going to a hospital until I figure out if they're in my health plan. I do so and then for the second time in my life, all in one night because sometimes I am an over achiever i guess, I go via ambulance to the hospital.

They admitted me and over the next few/couple/ hours ( it was hard to tell) I progressively felt worse. I had trouble breathing if I didn't sit absolutely straight up, and at that point I hadn't gotten good sleep for around 60 hours or so. Me being me I started to get teary and panicky, because I was so tired and wasn't sure what to do. I called for the nurse and she came in and then within the next half hour your girl got taken down to the ICU. By the time we arrived down in the ICU I was really getting panicky. My mom died in the ICU ( different hospital but still) and I knew the fact they took me down there was no laughing matter. I started to think about, " ok is this what death is like? this isn't what i thought it was going to be - this is panicky and scary and not all white lights and peace."

The next thing I knew - it was two days later, and I woke up intubated. Did you know that you can be conscious and intubated? I did not. I'll speed things up a bit here. I spent a total of 8 days in the ICU - I had one hell of a case of pneumonia, and there were a couple of other diagnoses thrown in ( nope, not cancer. promise, we will get there.) . The nurses I had were AMAZING. I was intubated for about 6 of those 8 days. Then I got weaned off of it. Funniest moment on the ventilator: Physical therapist comes around and says, " Hey let's get you up and walking, you think you can?" I nodded and shrugged my shoulders to try and communicate, " sure, ok!" It went totally fine, but there were nursing students, residents, other doctors and who knows who else looking out of rooms and over desks at the two of us just y'know... *walking down the hall*. I gestured to the people because it was just flipping weird. I had an audience at the exact time NOBODY wants an audience and it confused the hell out of me. PT advised me, " there aren't too many times ventilated patients are ambulatory. You're a bit of a curiosity so people want to see."

Once I got out of the ICU and was put back on a regular floor, I got to meet with other doctors re those other diagnoses I mentioned ( chronic things I just have to manage) I also mentioned that it had been a really long time since I had been to a GYN and as had been noted in the ICU I spotted quite frequently ( I have never, ever in my life been regular period-wise and it just got weirder over time, but I just didn't really consider it. So I asked while they were setting me up with new practitioners ( my previous doctor had retired) too please set me top with a gynecologist.

So I'm out of the hospital by September 10th, 2018. The gyro appointment occurs i want to say by mid- to late September. I go in and meet her and she's lovely. While I'm up on the table she says, " hey let's do all the things and get a uterine biopsy!" I say, " excellent, do the things!" We agree it's likely going to be nothing but hey we're smart people and we will play it safe. Huzzah Gyno visit accomplished! (if I were a gamer I'd make some kind of ladybits achievement unlocked now, but I'm not a gamer.)

Two or so weeks go by - or however long it takes to get those test results back (some of these spans are lost in the mists of time). Dr Boyle calls me and apologizes that the test results that she was sure would be nothing... they are not nothing. Turns out, it's endometrial cancer.

At that point you could have knocked me over with a feather. Shells, I wanted my mom to be there so badly, I can't even express it. She would have understood how I felt - she'd been there with her breast cancer. But at the same time, I was glad she wasn't there? I remember how heartsick my mom was to tell Grandmommy when Mom got cancer. I didn't want my mom to have to hear that news, to worry about that. Dr Boyle advised me that she would be referring me to a good oncologist and i should hear from them in a week or two.

Thus began MRIS and PET scans and ultrasounds, and blood work etc. The oncologist diagnosed that he figured I might be stage three, but it depended on my lymph involvement. It brought back memories of when Mom was diagnosed and when she told me she was stage three. I asked my Dad later, "what does that mean?" He told me, " there are only four stages, so what do you think?" This time around I knew what it meant. So, we put me down for surgery November 9th, 2018. That's two days before my birthday - so I joked that I was getting my cancer out for my birthday - hooray! My best friend actually flew in from texas for my surgery ( my best friend is a SAINT, and I love her more than pearls and rubies.)

Best surgery story from this experience: For my total hysterectomy (uterus and ovaries go sayonara and then also two signal lymph nodes in the chain of nodes on either side of the pelvis to se if there is any lymph complication.) I had to be tilted back - so with my head down to move as many organs away from the uterus etc during the laparoscopic procedure. I knew this going in, However, when I woke up back in my hospital room I looked at Bestie and said, " I hurt in places I didn't expect to hurt. Oh wait. My shoulders hurt because they're not used to being weight bearing, but the procedure was laproscopic - so why the heck does my vagina hurt?" Bestie in one of her best moments ever says, " I know why." I replied, " wait, YOU know why MY vagina hurts?!" She said, " yep. So your surgery was supposed to take 3-3.5 hours ended up taking 5 hours instead. Your uterus was really big. The oncologist told us they need up having to cut it in half to pull it out of you." bestie admitted she joked with the oncologist that it was like I had just birthed a baby, he looked back at her (NOT laughing) and said, " yes, that's basically what she did." I laughed so much at that ( i mean i was also well medicated, but still) I told Bestie, " I had a Uterus! Let's call it George!" ( In retrospect I am disappointed in myself that I misgendered my own uterus, I should have called it Georgina.)

So, after healing from the surgery, by about January of 2019 I started two courses (each with a few rounds) of chemo. First came what the doctors and I called "low-pro" chemo - that we did along with radiation. Honestly, though i was making a heck of a lot more bathroom trips, you wouldn't have generally known I was sick. Most of my coworkers had no idea. I just was a bit more tired than usual. After the low pro rounds - then we moved to the bigger guns. Radiation was done but I moved to more significant chemo drugs, This wasn't because things were bad - this was the plan all along :) But I knew the "high-pro" chemo was going to make me lose my hair. THAT was a psychic struggle. I cried so much knowing that was going to happen. I got hats and caps and I even got a very nice wig. I mean, I planned as much as a girl can plan when she hears that news. I even preemptively cut my long hair. It was about half way down my back at that point. So I went in and asked the stylist please braid it and put it in between two hair ties - and then cut it - so i could keep my braid. I couldn't do locks of love anyway as it was colored, and I know it's selfish, but I wanted my hair. So, the hair went from half down my back to a face framing bob. then I just waited. And then in a few weeks it happened. I could put my hands through my hair and easily, painlessly pull it out. I am not a cute bald girl. That's when people KNOW you have something going on.

I was very lucky though, there ended up NOT being lymph involvement, and even the high pro chemo didn't make me nauseous or lose appetite. I did have HORRIBLE bone pain usually the first week after chemo ( i'd get it every three weeks). I learned a hell of a lot from that. I also was able to get some meds to help alleviate it a bit, and I took time from work when the pain was at its worst. But I have never experienced pain like that - where no matter what I did - no position changes helped. Even ice packs or heat pads didn't help or do much. It was just a waiting game, a painful waiting game. Oh also - I learned that IV benadryl is nothing like oral benadryl. IV benadryl is like walking right into a brick wall made of sleep. That stuff knocked me the hell out right quick - amazing.

Right before COVID started and the world shut down I got the flu because my immune system was in the toilet- and so I spent another week in the hospital and except for the bone pain that comes with chemo, you know what is worse than chemo injections? POTASSIUM injections. Among other things, my potassium levels were low and so I got those injections with other meds. Those suckers HURT. they BURN, and so i spent a week in the hospital only to eventually come out and find out the world was starting to shut down from COVID. Not my job at that point, but my oncologist told me, " GO HOME - YOU KNOW YOU ARE IMMUNO COMPROMISED - DON'T STAY AT WORK." So, I went home until about a month after I finished chemo.

Since finishing chemo it's been about scans, which have gone ok so far... I'm not willing to talk about the R word. I just think I'll have to be careful the rest of my life - My mom always said, "once you've gotten cancer, you always have cancer." So, maybe it's the anxiety talking, but it's kind of like waiting for the other cancer shoe to drop. In the mean time though, it's business as usual - try to find good stuff in the midst of the hot mess. Cancer has been a crisis but not a reason to lose my sense of humor. I've needed it more than ever :)

So, sorry for the SERIOUSLY LONG ASS answer, but sometimes it's just better to lay it bare. I'm not ashamed of this stuff. It's been a lot. It's been a journey... It still is... it's part of the rest of my journey, which i hope isn't over by a long shot yet. I don't believe things happen for reasons - the world is WAY too absurd for that in my opinion, BUT good gravy have i been able to learn so much from this whole three ring circus. I'm not grateful for cancer, but I am grateful for the lessons.

Thanks for checking in, Shells. You're a complete sweetheart.

Okay so I’m gonna put some warnings (talks of suicide, medical treatments, depression, feeling of isolation, emotional and domestic abuse, etc) and then talk below the cut (sorry it’s long)

Obviously I’ve been on a writing hiatus since the beginning of September and that’s due to the reason that my aunt was diagnosed with reno failure and was put on dialysis. Since then, she has been staying with my family to take care of her. It’s been really hard the past few days because she’s been in a lot of pain due to a surgery she got for a permanent catheter placed in her arm. The whole process was intense and it’s been a week and it still hurts and today I had to pick her up from dialysis earlier than usual because it wouldn’t even work. It’s hard to see her so frustrated and it’s gotten to the point where she’s asked my mom and I to push her in front of a truck or even shoot her. And I know she might be joking but for her to go to that level just shows how done she is with all of this. And on top of that, she was denied disability and Medicare so she could do dialysis at her own house because she’s been homesick. And to even bring up her lousy ass husband… this coward never visited her in the hospital when she was there for a week, he told my mom and I that when he drives for forty minutes to come and visit his own wife literally two times out of the week that he’s doing a sacrifice?! LITERALLY TO THE WOMAN WHO CHANGED HER ENTIRE SCHEDULE TO TAKE CARE OF HER SISTER, THE ONE WHO COOKS TO MAKE SURE SHE EATS, THE ONE WHO HELPS HER SHOWER THE ONE WHO GAVE UP HER OWN ROOM SO HER SISTER CAN SLEEP DOESN’T CONSIDER IT A SACRIFICE! My mother is the most kind and generous woman I ever known and what I do for my aunt is nothing compared to what she does. So for him to say that visiting his own wife is a sacrifice when my mom doesn’t even consider what she does is a sacrifice makes my blood boil so fucking much. And on top of that this dude is so emotionally abusive to my aunt. He hit her once before but she went back to him. For a year she’s been sick and I blame him for everything that she is going through. He’s the reason she thinks she is nothing. He is the reason she thinks her family doesn’t love her. He is the reason she is hooked up to a machine four hours a day three times a week. And even though I hate this bitch, when he comes over for the weekend, he brings my aunts dogs which she considers her babies. Even with all the pain she has or even if she is tired, I could see that she does better when she has her kids there. And once they’re gone she gets sad again and tells me that she misses them. I’ve told her that her husband should leave the dogs here so she could have that sense of home but he doesn’t want to because apparently “he needs them” like bruh? Your wife who is literally sick needs them much more than you pinche cabrón. This is all I have to say but idk I just want to know how to convince her husband to let the dogs stay here. Like I just know that’s going to make her feel so much better. Hopefully by next week they’ll be here.

Survey #335

“on my forehead, a birthmark  /  remove it with the kiss of a knife  /  even if it causes me to die”

Do you recover well from surgery? Judging by the two surgeries I've had, oh yeah. I was hyper as hell when I came home from getting tubes put in my ears as a little kid, even though the doctor said I'd be very sleepy. Then, after my cyst removal, I was put on very strong painkillers but was still warned it was going to be a painful recovery, when it totally wasn't. I literally only took painkillers the first day. What addictions have you had? Caffeine, technology. Would you change your name if you became famous? Nah. If Cupid were real, would you hire him to make someone love you? No. I don't want somebody forced to love me. Ever been to an auction? No. Which word(s) do you generally use to describe someone attractive? (e.g. “fit”, “sexy”) It kinda varies with gender. Women I tend to call "beautiful" or "gorgeous," sometimes "hot" or "cute," while men I usually refer to as "handsome" or "hot"/"sexy." The last person you kissed - are they older or younger than you? She's a bit younger. When was the last time someone wanted you to do something, and you refused? Hm. I dunno. I have a hard time saying "no," so. When was the last time you had Pop Tarts? What flavour were they? Many months ago; I kinda stopped eating them because they're truly not filling and just a load of sugar that veils itself as an actual breakfast choice. But anyway, I liked the chocolate sundae ones. Have you ever felt a temperature below 0? No. Did you ever play Spyro? I LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!! SPYRO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Those games were my CHILDHOOD, and it's half the reason I'm dying for a PS4 to play the remastered trilogy. Speaking of which, it'd be awesome if they remade the The Legend of Spyro trilogy as well. I might just like those games more than the originals, but that's a bold statement I'm unsure about. Have you ever dated someone who was of a foreign origin? I dated a Hispanic guy for less than a day. Have you ever read any of your idols’ books/autobiographies? Ozzy Osbourne's, yes. I'm just fucking waiting for Mark to write one, but he's always said he has so little interest in writing about his life. DO IT, YOU FUCK. Do you own any succulents? No. I think they're pretty, though. Do you have a drone? No. What’s your favorite Netflix series? *shrug* What is something a lot of people like but you don’t? Summertime. The heat, the humidity (at least here), the sunburn from just standing outside for ten minutes... I hate all of it. The ONLY two things I enjoy about summer is swimming and then flowers, though spring is the more floral season here anyway. Do you have revenge fantasies that you never actually play out? They've... happened. Did your first real significant other change you at all? Pretty sure forever. Are you waiting to have sex until you’re married? Once upon a time, that was the plan. Now, nah. I'd just want to be in a healthy, stable, and long-term relationship. What do you think about divorce? It's sad, but necessary for some people in order to be happy, which everyone has the right to be. I used to be very firmly against divorce except in extreme cases like abuse, etc., and I'm still definitely no fan of it and think couples should do their best to work things out, but it's incredibly unfair to believe that someone should be stuck for the rest of their life with a person they just don't love anymore. Getting married can be a mistake; don't damn people forever to be chained to their bad decisions. Do you remember the first time your heart broke? What was the reason? It was probably when Dad just abandoned us. What's the worst prank someone has ever done to you? I don't think anyone's ever pulled a sick joke on me. Have you ever seen someone sleepwalk? Yes; my little sister deadass tried to walk outside late at night. Thank God I was on the computer in the living room and stopped her. What song are you listening to right now? I just turned "Mutter" by Rammstein on. When is the last time you cursed? I'm not re-reading, but I have probably cursed fifty times in this survey already. It's so deeply ingrained into my vocabulary. Are there any words on your shirt? No; it's just a plain gray tank top. Why do you forward forwards? I never do because they annoy the fuck out of me. How many people are you interested in at the moment? Just one in a healthy and logical way. I can't be truly interested in Jason because like come on I haven't spoken to him in four whole years. My PTSD just ensures I never forget the memory of who he was, who probably no longer even exists. I mean, look how much I'VE changed in four years. Do you know any mechanical stuff about cars? Nnnnope. Who was the last person (apart from family) that you spent time with? What did you get up to? Apart from family, I have no idea. If you have pets, when was the last time one of them got on your nerves? Venus never does, but Roman can get on my nerves sometimes when I don't let him lay on me when I'm on the laptop in bed. He's a large cat (not overweight, just a big male cat) and blocks the screen big time unless he lies down properly, which he doesn't always do. He still tends to win when he tries to come over, but sometimes I'll block him with my arm, and this spoiled brat will actually slap it a few times before walking away lmao. Would you rather live in a house with a swimming pool or an indoor cinema? Absolutely a pool. I want one badly. Do you own a credit card? If so, do you currently owe any money on it? Could you afford to pay it off tomorrow if necessary? No. How many hours of sleep do you typically get each night? Is that enough to function or would you rather have more? Especially lately, I don't get nearly enough. Like at the time I'm answering this question, it's 4 AM, and I've been up for almost a couple hours. I struggle with falling asleep, I will ALWAYS wake up at least once in the night, and I jerk awake from nightmares regularly still. It's a big reason why I pretty much require naps. Does your house have a loft/basement? Are they functional or do you just use them for storage? We only have an attic. Do you suffer from road rage? What kind of thing tends to set you off or wind you up while driving? No. I'm way too timid of a driver to get that outwardly pissy about stupid people. I'd just judge them in silence, haha. What kind of animal did you last see in the wild? Is that a common sight where you live? Because of just how common they are, I'm going to assume this excludes birds, in which case it was probably a squirrel? Yeah, the normal brown ones are common. Do you post a lot on social media? If so, what kind of thing do you tend to post on there? Since I was fucking stupid enough to post a suicide note on Facebook (I don't want to hear a goddamn thing about "attention seeking," I genuinely wanted to say goodbye), I almost never, ever, share things about my personal life. Even before, it was rare for me to actually share what's going on with me. All I really do now is share relatable, wholesome, or funny shit I find, as well as political things I'm in firm agreement with. What are some habits you have in common with your parents? I pace like my dad, and it drives people crazy because it apparently makes them anxious? I can't think of an obvious one I have with Mom, but I'm sure one exists. Where's your favourite place to swim - the ocean, a pool, river, lake etc? I feel safest and most clean in a pool, but c'mon, swimming in the ocean is so much fun. When you're saving your place in a book, do you use a bookmark or fold your pages down? Or something else? It depends on the book, it seems. Especially if someone else owns it, like in school or something. Is any part of your body hurting at the moment? Is there a specific incident that caused the pain? My legs always hurt. I've shared enough as to why; it wasn't an actual, singular "incident." What was the last thing to make you laugh out loud? OH MY FUCKING GOD. So in group therapy the other day, one of the girls had her bearded dragon out, and he was being aggressive. I think he tried to bite her aND SHE SAID WITHOUT REALIZING HER MIC WAS ON, "fucking dickhead," and everyone d i e d. She's a really cool chick, I'll miss her when I'm finished with PHP. Who was the last person you heard sing? Myself, surprisingly enough. I barely ever sing. Do you bite your lips a lot? Yes, especially when they're dry. .-. What part of your body would you never get pierced? Anyone who gets a piercing "down there" has a greater pain tolerance than this bitch right here. Have you ever dated someone with tattoos? Juan had quite a few. I don't remember if Tyler did... but I think maybe a The Legend of Zelda-related one? Have you ever failed gym in school? No. Are you scared of dogs? No; I love dogs. What is the saddest movie you’ve ever seen? Man, idk, I'm a little bitch when it comes to emotional movies. The Boy in the Striped Pajamas is high up there, as is of course Johnny Got His Gun. Old Yeller, too. Which one of your friends is most likely to be famous one day? Why? Sara's gonna write a fuckin book series ok you can't convince me otherwise. What is the worst present you have ever gotten? Damn dude, what an ungrateful question. I'm just appreciative someone even thought TO give me something. Do you shave your arms? My armpits, yes, but not my arms themselves. How many people have you dated? I only count three as even remotely serious: Jason, Sara, and Girt. Have you ever performed in a play? I remember back in Sunday school as a tiny kid I played Mother Mary in one we did in class. Do you chew gum? I have been more lately since my doc upped the dosage of one of my mood stabilizers (which I think is actually helping); I mention that because apparently a side effect is dry mouth, and it's the fucking Sahara in there. He advises those who deal with it to always carry around hard candy or something like that for the sake of forcing salivation, so gum works for me. How old were you when you first started dating? I was in the 7th grade when I had my first "boyfriend," but it was total puppydog love. I started dating my first "real" bf when I was just shy of 16. Are/were your parents strict? Dad, no. Mom, only to a degree that I feel was pretty reasonable. She only ever wanted to prepare us to be functional, independent adults. Didn't work so well on me though, ha... Do you wear glasses? Yes. God, I need new ones. I'm blind as hell. What do you miss most about your childhood? Being so outgoing and happy to just be weird lil me. Do you write “To-Do” lists? Not really, no, but I do have notes on my phone about a couple things, like a bulleted list of planned monetary investments by importance, as well as a list of drawing ideas. Do you have a favorite quote? What is it? I don't, really. There's loads I like, but no one favorite. Could you survive as a vegetarian? I pretty desperately want to, but I don't know if it's realistic. I am so, SO picky, and without meat, it's very questionable as to where I'd get an adequate source of protein. I still want to try again though once I'm at my goal weight. Has anyone ever asked you for your autograph? Lol no. Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you that you were sexy? Yeah, but that was a looong time ago when I was actually some semblance of pretty. Do you prefer to take your showers at night or in the morning? I used to be someone who firmly stood by nighttime showers, but now I'm all about them in the morning. It's a nice way to wake up and start the day with productivity. Could you handle living with a male roommate? I mean, I lived with my then-boyfriend once, but I'm going to assume you'd consider him more than a "roommate." We lived with our two other friends, though, also a couple, and I was totally fine with living with them. Has anyone taken their shirt off in front of you? Yes. Do you like Freddy Krueger? His concept is very scary, but all the movies I've seen bits of have always been super cheesy. Which do you prefer, Naruto or One Piece? I haven't seen either and really aren't interested. What do you think of Rob Zombie? I've never really watched his movies, but I'm a fan of his music. What’s you fetish? I don't have one. Have you ever been in the “friend zone?" Well, what I'd call a "fake" one with Jason after the breakup until I was blocked on Facebook. I know now he absolutely did not want to be friends; he was trying to appease me. Is the area you live in more liberal or conservative? Definitely conservative. Do you know anyone who had to have tubes put in their ears as a baby? Yeah, me. Were either of your parents baptized? I'm certain Mom was, but idk about Dad. I think so. The last concert that you were at, was there a mosh pit? No. What was the last computer game that you played? World of Warcraft. Does your bathroom have a theme to it? No. Are any rooms in your house themed? No. What was the last thing that you recorded? I think Mom and I singing "happy birthday" to my late dog Teddy; we knew it would be his last. Do you like the show Futurama? Not really. Have you ever been in a choir class? I was in the elementary school chorus, as well as the choir at my childhood church. Are you ashamed of any of your family members? No, only myself. Were you a chubby child? No. Did you ever have senior photos done? No, even though I wanted them. Who is the person you dislike the most? God, this is so petty... but it's the girl Jason dated after me. I know it's childish as hell to feel like she "took" him from me, and I just feel this horrible hatred towards her that is entirely uncalled for. I just can't get myself to move past it. Do you take part in paying the bills for your household? No, as I'm unemployed and also don't have disability, so I literally can't. How do you usually celebrate New Years? I really don't do much. Sometimes Mom will grab a pack of daiquiris, but that's pretty much the extent of it. Does the place you work have music playing? What sort? N/A What was the last job interview you went to? At a local grocery store to work in the deli. Got the job, lasted there for not even two hours. :^) Do you know anyone with autism, mood disorders or learning disabilities? Autism and mood disorders, yes. I myself may have high-functioning Asperger's (yes, I know that term doesn't technically exist anymore, it's just the umbrella term of "autism," but w/e). Have you ever had an immediate relative pass away of cancer? My grandmother died of pancreatic cancer, and it's pretty much guaranteed that, unless there's some sudden accident, my mom will die of cancer, too. Hers got too bad to entirely eliminate every trace of cancer cells, so it will inevitably re-emerge at some point, just obviously some place else given that she had a total hysterectomy. Would you rather work in an office, warehouse or on a retail shop floor? Office. Are you a fan of sweet, sour, salty, or savory snacks? I enjoy all of those, but sour I think tops the list.

Diagnosis limbo

Hi, hello, health rant ahead.

There are many things that are frustrating about not having a diagnosis or more so waiting for a diagnosis. 

I mean it’s frustrating enough not knowing what the hell is going on with your body- you spend each day in pain experiencing different symptoms and you’re like, “oh, is this something new?” “is this linked to what could be wrong with me?” or “is it a side effect from medication?” etc. Like you’re literally just sat each day waiting and wondering what else could go wrong. 

OR for a while the pain goes away and you begin to wonder if you’re getting better until your body shouts, “psych!” and you’re on the floor again. 

What’s also frustrating is how isolated it makes you feel. You’re aware that people are just waiting for you to get better or assume you’re not really that ill whilst you’re trying to come to terms with the idea that you might not get better.  On top of this there’s the longing to reach out to a community of those with similar symptoms or the conditions you’re waiting to get diagnosed from and despite relating to so many of their experiences it feels wrong or you don’t want to say or ask questions because you might not have said condition. Even though I’ve been experiencing all of this pain and symptoms and I’ve had two scans already and now have to go for an MRI and to see a specialist...I dunno, I still expect someone to turn around and be like “oh, actually you’re fine *high five*.”

I guess that’s because until getting a diagnosis people don’t really believe you when you tell them you’re in pain, they assume you are fine or that you are over exaggerating. An example being me explaining my pain to my colleague- how my pain literally has me on the floor unable to move when it’s at its worst. I told him this is definitely a ten but I need to save my ten but it feels like I’m dying. His response was something like, “you’re ten might only be like a four to me.” 

However, getting a diagnosis takes time. On average it takes up to seven and a half years to get diagnosed with endometriosis/adenomyosis...SEVEN AND A HALF YEARS....BITCH! So, in some respects I’m lucky that this past year I’ve gotten the help I have. 

That being said, perhaps I would have been diagnosed a lot sooner had I not been medically gas lighted. I had one doctor blame my symptoms on my weight...thankfully now I have found the right doctor who actually knows what they’re doing. 

Anyway, hopefully I’ll know soon and won’t be stuck in this limbo...which is frustrating in itself, because it feels like you’re just waiting to be told what’s wrong, waiting for bad news. It’s reached a point where I can’t tell myself it’s nothing so I am literally just waiting for that confirmation...oh, and that can only be done through surgery if after the MRI they do still suspect endo...which not gonna lie with this thing chilling on my ovary and all the other shiz I would be surprised if they changed their mind now.