#this app is worse than other social media apps and that says a TON because they're all fuckedd
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Oh my gosh, that’s… worse than I expected. Yeah Emma, you really need to open your own server. I wasn’t expecting people to be that toxic (I know Discord can be toxic af cause I used to be on there), but damn. If they knew what she did was fucked up, a) they should’ve nipped it in the bud before it could finish (especially since it was plagiarized) and b), say in the chat it was messed up. They aren’t your friends my dear. Everyone throws that word around so easily, but this is not what a true friendship looks like.
I’m happy some people reached out to you. I hope they turn out to be good people. And I feel you, I don’t have anyone to talk with IRL either. Hm, do you have any hobbies that calm you down? If you do take a social media break, you’ll have something to occupy yourself with.
Please stay safe. I don’t know what happens during your spirals, but I know what it’s like dealing with suicidal and self-harm urges. If you have one person you trust, please call them.
Ah man, we gotta get you some real friends.
(P.S.) It’s not just your blog, it’s all of Tumblr. It keeps wanting me to log in or sign up to ask an anonymous question. 😔
tbf they didn’t know it was plagiarized, the only person aside from Jane who knew the contents of my discussion (because I’d asked if they would review it to make sure it was civil and stuff) was the person (not a mod) who’d suggested I message Jane to begin with, and was the same person to send me screenshots (along with another person) of what she was doing in the server; the mods banned discussing it in the server not too long after that person tried explaining there was a ton of context people were missing (insert Bernie’s “coincidence, I think NOT!” clip)
Eh, I’ve got the writing and a ton of books and fanfics to read, plus various YouTube channels to peruse
I’m on too much medication to have full self-harm ideation, but there’s a lot of “I knew it! It wasn’t just paranoia, everyone did hate me and was only pretending to be my friend for their own sick amusement!” that went on. (If I had a nickel for every time that happened and was confirmed to have happened, I’d have 3 nickels, which isn’t a lot, it’s just weird that it happened 3 times) Then I start having even more vivid flashbacks than I normally do and sink into the “I’m worthless, not a person, undeserving of anything other than suffering” depression line of thinking.
thank you again for the comforting words; internal validation doesn’t happen often in depressive episodes but I feel too needy to ask for it externally
lmao I do have “real” friends, they’re just not nearby IRL and that’s why I have to rely on social media to stay in contact with them
Have you checked if it’s because of the app or which browser?
#<3 youre too kind Anon#you deserve all the happiness#submitted post#Shut up Emma nobody cares#suicide mention#tw suicide
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Kurtbastian one-shot - “Carolina in My Mind” (Rated PG)
Summary: Things get a little spicy when Sebastian decides that Kurt and Blaine are going to start doing TikTok challenges... in part to exact revenge on his boyfriend for covering him in glitter and posting photos on Instagram. (1845 words)
Notes: It's not as lurid as the summary makes it sound XD Makes a reference to an earlier quarantine one-shot 'All The Glitters'.
Part 67 of Outside Edge
Read on AO3.
"We're doing TikTok challenges now!?" Kurt groans, sliding to a halt in front of his boyfriend, arms crossed over his chest before he comes to a stop.
Sebastian beams, flashing Kurt his iPhone screen with the app already open. "Ah. I see you got my message."
"Aren't we already living through hell? Do we have to add humiliation to the mix?"
"You're one to talk! If you get to cover us in makeup and glitter and post photos on Instagram, I get to do this!"
"But that performance makeup contest was hosted by the ISI," Blaine points out. "What merit does a TikTok challenge have?"
Sebastian watches Blaine glide to a stop beside his boyfriend and pulls a face. "Well, Doubty McDoubterson, tons of people join TikTok every day, including figure skaters. You two were worried about staying in the public eye during the pandemic. This will be great visibility for us within the skating community."
"A-ha." Kurt shares a skeptical side glance with Blaine. "Now, why don't you tell us why we're really doing this."
Sebastian gasps, stumbling back as if punched in the face. "Kurt! I'm wounded! Deeply wounded! I'm being completely honest here! I'm only thinking of you guys, working hard to keep your names in the mouths of... "
"Before you say another word," Kurt interrupts with a finger raised, "may I remind you that you have a five o'clock sesh riding on this answer."
Sebastian's mouth hangs open, caught around the next word. But a beat later, he snaps it shut. "Fine. We're doing this because we've been on lockdown for about ten years and I'm bored to tears!"
"Nice," Kurt says, "seeing as you've spent all of quarantine with us."
"Will you be partaking?" Blaine rushes in before Sebastian can shove his foot any further down his throat. He's not being entirely selfless, but he'd rather not admit out loud that Sebastian's plan is a decent one, ulterior motives aside. Blaine has a TikTok account and has wasted plenty of precious training time scrolling through clips. Sebastian is right - a lot of figure skaters post on there, even some big names in their sport. It's a better platform for it than Instagram. If they pull this off, they could become TikTok famous, and that wouldn't exactly hurt when they make their comebacks.
"I am." Sebastian wiggles his camera in front of their faces. "I'm the cameraman."
"Of course," Kurt mutters under his breath. "So what's the challenge?" he asks, eager to get this over with, hoping he doesn't regret it too much later. "It is a skating challenge, right?"
"Of course it's a skating challenge! In fact, you guys get to perform your routines... " Kurt stares at his grinning boyfriend, waiting for the shoe to drop. And it does when Sebastian picks up a small paper bag off the boards and holds it out to them "... after you've eaten this pepper. There's one in there for each of you."
"I guess it's too much to hope it's a bell pepper," Kurt remarks as Blaine takes the bag and opens the top. He reaches a hand in and pulls out a bright reddish-orange vegetable the size of his thumb. Kurt recognizes it right away, his eyes going wide at the Carolina Reaper pinched between Blaine's fingertips.
"A little bit, yeah," Blaine says.
"What th---? Aren't those things illegal?" Kurt asks, on the brink of turning and running, leaving his friend behind to suffer the consequences.
"Nope. They're perfectly legal," Sebastian says. "And they won't cause any permanent damage. I checked."
"That's so nice of you."
"Come on! This'll be fun!"
"For you! You're running the camera!"
"I've got you guys. Look! I brought you some milk for after," he says, producing the smallest, middle-school carton of two percent in existence. How he expects the both of them to share that, Kurt doesn't know. It's probably part of the schtick, Kurt thinks, to cap off the hilarity - the two of them fighting over seven ounces of milk with their mouths on fire. "Also... " Sebastian deliberates when he feels himself losing ground, running through options in his head he hopes Kurt might jump at so he can get his TikTok "... I'll let you pick the next challenge. Then you can be the cameraman."
A malicious grin spreads across Kurt's face, but Sebastian squashes it with the stipulation: "But remember - whatever you make me do, Blaine has to do, too."
"Don't I get any say in this?" Blaine asks.
"No," Sebastian answers without looking at him.
"Well, do I get a turn at choosing?"
"Maybe... provided Kurt agrees to my conditions."
Kurt glares at his manipulative ass of a boyfriend, putting him on the spot in the name of social media currency. But what the heck? This could be fun. Plus, turnabout is fair play. He'll get Sebastian back.
Oh yes. He'll get him back.
Besides, Kurt isn't a stranger to spicy foods. His dad has put plenty of red and green gremlins, each residing on different ends of the Scoville scale, in that disastrous chili he makes every fourth of July. How much worse could eating this one raw be?
"Fine." Kurt snatches the pepper out of Blaine's hand but doesn't bring it anywhere near his mouth.
Blaine, on the other hand, goes all in, grabbing his pepper out of the bag, popping it into his mouth, chewing like crazy, and then swallowing, probably in the hopes that it would hurt less if he did it fast, like pulling off a Bandaid. Then he skates off.
His plan doesn't work too well though. Thirty seconds into his backward crossovers, his face scrunches. He puts a hand to his forehead, squeezing his eyes shut, cheeks flushing beet red before Kurt's eyes. "Jesus Christ! I can't see!"
Kurt fixes steely eyes on his boyfriend, filming and giggling like a fiend as Blaine attempts a triple Axel and singles it, arms flailing when he tries to fan his mouth at the same time.
"I'm picturing a Speedo," Kurt says as he prepares to drop the Reaper into his mouth. "An embarrassingly tight Speedo, seven gallons of honey, an angry beehive... " He carefully places the pepper on his tongue. His salivary glands kick into overdrive when its waxy exterior makes contact, but he can't persuade his teeth to bite.
"Ooo," Sebastian coos, provoking him. "Blaine covered in bees? That's going to be hilarious! And I can't wait to see his face when he finds out it was your idea. But what are you going to make me do?"
That does it.
Kurt's teeth clench inadvertently, catching the pepper as it rolls off his tongue and pummeling it to bits between his pearly whites. The burn washes through his mouth, spreading in an instant with the obliterated pepper sitting for too long on his tongue.
"Shit!" he yelps, swallowing what remains whole. He coughs violently, almost puking up his lunch. "Shit shit shit!"
"Don't die," Sebastian teases. "Not for TikTok."
"Nice to see you have priorities," Kurt growls, overcome by a sudden urge to get as far away from his insufferable boyfriend as his skates can take him.
Now he has to pull this off so he can rub it in Sebastian's face.
Remembering that Blaine has a head start on him, he forces his feet to move. A swiftly blossoming headache completely erases his new routine from his brain so he begins improvising, starting with the opening of his last Regionals piece. He opens with a pancake spin.
Big mistake.
Crouching low over his bent leg as he spins forces his mouth closed, everything from his gums to his cheeks aflame.
"Nope!" he sputters. "Nope nope nope!" He ends his spin prematurely, hacking as he settles into backward crossovers.
These are worse.
Since he's pushing into the air with his back, none of it hits his face, depriving him of relief. He catches sight of Blaine skating as fast as he can with his mouth wide open, preparing to enter another jump. He performs a double toe loop, then another, then another. Kurt doesn't understand. Blaine doesn't perform doubles in his routine. He's beyond that.
Then it hits him.
Blaine can do a row of doubles faster than he can perform consecutive triples. He's using rotational inertia to cool his face.
It's genius.
Kurt launches into the air, stringing together three of the most lopsided double Salchows he's ever landed. And he barely lands them at that, overestimating his edge and nicking his toepick. He gives up on his choreography altogether, performing whatever move he has to to shove ice-cold air into his mouth. Element by element, Kurt's routine devolves until his goal becomes keeping his mouth from bursting into flames.
He can't remember the last time he flubbed up this badly. He and Blaine probably look like drooling dogs doing the most, but his throat burns so badly, he couldn't care less. Kurt's nose runs like a faucet, but nowhere near as much as his eyes, which he has the hardest time prying open.
He decides to skate blind, praying he doesn't collide with Blaine, whose blades he can no longer identify on the ice. By the time Kurt strikes his final pose, he's puffy-eyed, sweating like no one's business, with his lower jaw hanging to his chest, wheezing as he sucks in mouthfuls of cold air. He can't hear much for the ringing in his ears, but he suspects Sebastian may be laughing his ass off.
Why did he agree to this again?
"How did I do?" he asks, skating back to his boyfriend, trying not to touch his tongue to his lips, or his lips to each other.
"Meh. You've done better," Sebastian replies, replaying the video over and over, snickering at choice scenes.
"Thanks, coach," Kurt seethes, wondering how well Sebastian would skate if Kurt shoved one of those peppers up his nose.
"At least you fared better than Blaine."
"Why?" Kurt pants, scanning the rink through the narrow slits of his swollen eyelids. "What happened to him?"
Sebastian jerks a thumb over his shoulder. "Took himself out of the running before his second Axel attempt, the poor schlub."
Kurt peeks over Sebastian's shoulder and spots Blaine, lying on his stomach, tongue pressed flat to the ice.
Kurt makes a face. He doesn't blame the guy, but still.
Yuck.
"Blaine? Honey? That's not a good idea."
"Yeah, weirdo. We have milk."
"I 'as saving da 'ilk for 'urt," Blaine explains, not moving his tongue while he does.
"Oh!" Kurt sighs, pressing a hand over his heart, overdoing the swoon because he knows how much it will irk Sebastian. The jerk deserves it. "That's so sweet!"
Blaine smiles. At least it looks like he does.
Sebastian grimaces. Great. Upstaged by a boy who looks like he just Frenched a patch of poison ivy. "Yeah, yeah. Cavity inducing. Get your ass up, Anderson. You're just making it worse. Besides, you're burning a hole through my ice."
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a very very genuine question: so its bad to repost art but no one says anything when people repost things from the source material/creator's sketches.....why?like sure everyone who likes it may recognize the style but there are plenty of fan artists i recognize immediately, new or old art, with or without. to me it just feels the same, like either dont repost art or people should be able to repost stuff, i dont see how they can work at the same time. and this isnt me saying people should be allowed to repost and all that bc i do understand the theory of why reposting hurts artists, just that the logic doesnt seem to fit once it extends to famous artists/creators. just bc its official and easily recognizable makes it okay? how does that work? again, there are plenty of fanartists who are easily recognizable and lose no money when people repost their work (bc they posted it for free) and from my own observation, it seems it just, somehow, makes them want to do art less (from what i have read from artists themselves). why do we not consider that when it comes to official creators? wouldnt they also feasibly be less motivated seeing their hard work plastered across the internet for free when thats the sole way they make their income? and its not a system where its solely sticking it to the man bc it hurts the artists income, as well. but if it makes them happy to see people enjoying and sharing their work with others, drawing interest, why isnt it the same with fan artists? people often repost art, not out of malice or intent to claim credit, but bc they enjoy it + want to share it, esp on social media where sharing isnt a feature (instagram, for example) again im not trying to justify reposting, just confused about the contradiction
First of all instagram does have a form of sharing posts- stories. Which yes they are temporary by default, but you can use the highlight feature to collect your favorite things you’ve shared from people right there on your own profile AND it links back to the original post and can permanently be on your profile as long as you keep it there. You can even label them and everything! But then moving on to answering more of your actual questions
To start: this is a very complicated thing. And I feel everyone trying to answer it might have slightly varied opinions.
I personally see a pretty clear distinction between ‘Officially published/released’ works (like comic book [as like you’ve probably seen I frequently post comic panels] or other materials that may have been released in creator guides, official video game art, promotional art for things, etc etc) as opposed to like, personal work and fanart. Because with official works:
There’s usually a source to buy it and you should if you’re referencing it a ton (while I don’t own every comic I’ve ever read I do have a lot and if I did read something first through illegal means [because some comics are just straight up hard to find due to age/being out of print] and enjoyed it I try to seek out a physical copy after if possible)
There is a level of far wider recognition (I know you personally might find fanartists’ styles recognizable but like, things that are in mainstream media.. have just such a higher profile. it’s not really comparable)
If you’re not supporting the official release you’re harming the big company that published it far more than the individual artist (like, the individual artist probably also wouldn’t appreciate it, because it can effect them for sure as well, but they’re not gonna be taking the brunt of the damage unless it was entirely self-published work, which I’d definitely categorize differently from what I’m mainly talking about here.)
Often fanartists/professional artists who aren’t that well known, in addition to wanting to just create work for the sake of it, also want to build their own platform, to have an audience that they interact with. Or like, if they’re offering commissions, a bigger platform puts you in a position where people will actually see the art and want to commission you. When you say reposts of smaller artists’ fanart doesn’t ‘loose them money’ because they didn’t charge to post it, you’re missing the fact that it makes them loose out on proper linked-back-to-them exposure. Especially like, when a repost account on insta or something says ‘ah yes credit to [username] on tumblr’ the vast majority of people who see it aren’t going to then open up a whole different website and look for the artist. Some people might! but if there’s anything i’ve learned from working professionally in arts marketing it’s that people want things that are convenient and directly in front of them. Someone who wants to see more works because they liked one is significantly more likely to click on the username of someone who posted it rather than opening up a browser or a different app and searching a separate name put in the caption.
Then honestly, I do feel weird about reposts of professional artists’ more personal works unless the artist has stated they’re fine with people reposting with credit. It should be about the comfort level of the artist. I think a lot of professional artists who aren’t in a position where they’re as worried about building a platform, because they already have one and might have professional connections/opportunities already lined up, might not really care about reposts especially on a website they don’t use. (Like tumblr. I’m coming at this mostly from a comics artist perspective here, but most professional artists I see are waaaay more active on twitter and instagram than tumblr) If it’s a website they don’t use, it’s not taking away from the platform they had been building there for themselves. And also, some artists really just don’t give a shit, which is their choice they can make with their work! But that’s not a universal thing. One artist being fine with their personal art being reposted =/= all artists being fine with it.
In my own experience as a fanartist, when I see my art reposted without credit, especially when it’s art I’ve also already posted on the same platform... it’s definitely disheartening. Even worse is when the repost gets even more attention than my original post. (something that has happened to me multiple times!) Like, it can get so upsetting! Because it lets me know that someone else was using my art to build their platform and I got exactly zero benefit out of it. Then when it’s reposted with credit it’s a little less annoying, but I still don’t... get much out of it. Especially if it’s an instagram repost and they credit my tumblr not my account on there, since insta captions don’t actually do links unless it’s to other insta accounts. Also with insta for example, I have a 'business’ account set up so I can look at and track popularity of my posts and see how they’re doing as something to keep in mind when considering posting times, etc etc. When other people repost my art there I have no control over it. That sucks a lot! Also, when I quite literally ask people not to repost my art (it is IN! MY! DESCRIPTION!) and they still do, it’s just straight up disrespectful. I asked for a boundary to be respected with my work and people have just completely ignored it. That doesn’t feel good at all.
But, conversely, I’m gonna talk about my more professional irl work for a sec. I’m a graphic designer, so I do things like posters, logos, etc, When I design a poster for a client that is meant to be advertising something, even if it’s got my own original illustration or something as part of it, I know my name isn’t necessarily going to be attached to it the same way as it is with my personal work. I get a credit line somewhere, but that’s in a fine print probably not even on the poster itself at all, but that’s like, part of what I signed up for. I already get paid separately, I am giving permission for my work to be out of my own hands in that way. Professional work for a client is often setup in some way similar to this. I don’t get mad when I walk down the street and see a poster I made up somewhere without it directly ‘linking’/referencing back to me (aside from maybe my signature if it had an illustration), in fact I go ‘OMG ITS THERE ugh wait i see one pixel is off oh noooooo” and then move on with my day. It’s just an entirely different situation because that kind of work has a different arrangement from the start, where you know it’s going to be put in a different type of circulation.
So yeah, my word isn’t god here, but I definitely see official releases as having a different set of permissions based on the fact that they are published in an entirely different situation. And I think reposts of personal art aren’t cool if the artist isn’t okay with them, no matter how big a platform they have. Other people probably approach this with a slightly different perspective, but that’s mine!
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Protect Your Browsing/Data Sharing
For free, because in this house I don’t believe in making people pay for basic human rights.
I’ve decided to share my browsing protecting tips here. Digital security is usually quite expensive, but it doesn’t have to be! In this day and age, you’ll be told to watch out for home-born hackers and ‘hacktivists’ accessing your data, but I gotta tell you, what your own governments and ISPs are doing makes this more important (aka: they’re worse).
I know with all the TIKTOK IS SPYING ON YOU stuff, a lot of my friends have come to me seeking some advice on this. This is also great if you don’t want parents checking your browsing >_> just sayin’
If anyone has questions - drop me an ask! I’ll always answer for this topic. I am also happy to ‘expand’ on one of these suggestions if they’re unclear :)
Note: This works under the assumption you have your default ISP provided router and can’t get another one for whatever reason. I will advise that if you can get an additional router, do so! Try to avoid the one the ISP has provided to you.
Additional Note: This is not ‘optimal’. There is no such thing in security – everything has a backdoor.
Let’s get cracking! This is a long, and thorough post, but I _do _have a pdf somewhere if you want it because it looks nicer :*)
Use Tor to browse.
There you go, there’s my advice leaves
https://support.torproject.org/ to Download/Install/Run.
Don’t change anything, except maybe using Tor in ‘bridge’ mode.
Okay, you can use other browsers (see: Chrome/Firefox), but they are not as secure as Tor.
USE A VPN IF YOU ARE GOING TO USE TOR! I prefer Firefox (extensions + good security)
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Install the following extensions if you have Chrome or Firefox:
Privacy Possum
Stops tracking cookies. PSA: Cookies are not evil, certain cookies can be.
Firefox: https://addons.mozilla.org/nl/firefox/addon/privacy-possum/
Chrome: https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/privacy-possum/ommfjecdpepadiafbnidoiggfpbnkfbj
Ghostery
Stops tracking adverts and cookies. Why do I need this in addition to Privacy Possum? Ghostery specifically looks at tracking cookie ads. It’s like adding MOAR POWAH to Privacy Possum.
Firefox: https://addons.mozilla.org/nl/firefox/addon/ghostery/
Chrome: https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/ghostery-%E2%80%93-privacy-ad-blo/mlomiejdfkolichcflejclcbmpeaniij?hl=nl
HTTPS Everywhere
Enforces HTTPS. If you look next to the URL in your browser, you’ll see the little lock which indicates the specific URL is secure and uses HTTPS. Many websites still use the old HTTP, which is not as secure and you should NEVER EVER VISIT AN HTTP SITE ITS LIKE READING A BOOK OVER SOMEONE’S SHOULDER, thank you.
Firefox: https://addons.mozilla.org/nl/firefox/addon/https-everywhere/
Chrome: https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/https-everywhere/gcbommkclmclpchllfjekcdonpmejbdp?hl=nl
Adblock Plus
Foff, ads.* Firefox: https://addons.mozilla.org/nl/firefox/addon/adblock-plus/
Chrome: https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/adblock-plus-free-ad-bloc/cfhdojbkjhnklbpkdaibdccddilifddb
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DNS Settings
Ideally, you should change this on your router. ISPs use a default DNS – you don’t want to use anything those bastards say you should use.
Use Cloudflare or OpenDNS:
Cloudflare is more secure overall and keeps up to standards in addition to not storing your data, whereas OpenDNS is great at avoiding malicious websites, just take your pick really 😊There are a ton of other options, feel free to google ‘free DNS servers’. Google has it’s own as well, but, yaknow, it’s Google.
Cloudflare
Primary Server: 1.1.1.1
Secondary Server: 1.0.0.1
OpenDNS
Primary Server: 208.67.222.222
Secondary Server: 208.67.220.220
Add these to your router settings:
In a browser, go to http://192.168.1.1/ or http://192.168.1.0/ (it varies per router). This will lead to your router’s configuration portal. Don’t have a router with a configuration portal? Throw it in the trash and tell your ISP they suck for giving it to you.
Login to the admin portal. If you have not configured this or set a password, try the default combinations: usernames are usually ‘admin’ or blank, the passwords are usually blank, ‘admin’, or ‘1234’.
Each router is different, navigate to where it asks for DNS values or servers, and enter the above addresses. You will see ‘Static’ near the DNS options, select it. This also ensures you’re in the right place. If you’re not sure what to do, look up the model/make of your router and check how you can change DNS.
Whilst you’re at it, change your WiFi password from the default one, and create a proper password for the WiFi portal login. If these two things are kept as default, all these protection methods are pointless as it is easy to crack your router passwords.
Can’t do this on your router because your parents are ds?* No worries! This can be done on your device! :) Yeah, I know how parents work.
Windows OS
Go to Control Panel <Network and Internet < Network and Sharing Center
Click on the link next to “Connections:”* Click “Properties” in the dialogue that pops up.
Select Internet Protocol Version 4 < Click Properties < Select “Use Following DNS Servers” < Enter the primary and secondary server addresses
Do this again for Internet Protocol Version 6 in the list.
Boom. Windows is so nice to make this easy.
Mac OS
Go to Apple Menu < System Preferences < Network
Select the Network you’re connected to
Click Advanced
Select DNS Tab
Click the + button < Enter chosen DNS < Save
Linux OS
I’m going to assume if you’re using Linux, you know how to use the terminal and are using a modern Linux system. Enter these line by line. There are many ways to do this (Google is your friend)
· sudo apt update
· sudo apt install resolvconf
· sudo systemctl status resolvconf.service (check that it is running)
· sudo systemctl start resolvconf.service (to start it, use ‘enable’ instead of ‘start’ to enable)
· sudo nano /etc/resolvconf/resolv.conf.d/head
· nameserver YOUR.DNS.ADDRESS.HERE
· nameserver YOUR.SECOND.DNS.ADDRESS.HERE
· sudo systemctl start resolvconf.service
Android
Oh yeah, you can do this on phones too wiggles eyebrows. Note, if you’re using a VPN it will lock you out of editing this. Turn it off, edit your DNS, turn it back on. This can be tricky with mobile devices that have not been jailbroken (I don’t advise doing that if you have no clue what you’re doing).
Go to Settings < Connections < WiFi
Select the gear icon next to your current WiFi
Select Advanced < Ip Settings drop-down < Static
Enter chosen DNS options under “DNS 1” and “DNS 2”
iPhone
Go to Settings < Wi-Fi
Select the arrow button next to your current WiFi
Select DHCP tab, scroll down to DNS
Select DNS, and enter your DNS servers
TEST YOUR DNS IS WORKING:
OpenDNS: https://welcome.opendns.com/ (You’ll see a “Welcome to OpenDNS” message”
Cloudflare: https://www.cloudflare.com/ssl/encrypted-sni/ (You’ll see check marks for all fields)
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Turn of WPS on router. Enable encryption on router.
If you can access your router portal, find any sort of toggle or field that says “WPS” and disable it. WPS= bad.
Wherever there is an option for WPA2 (or higher) to enable, enable it.
Enable the firewall on your router and Operating System – ALWAYS. If you disable this, you’re disabling an additional layer of security. Firewalls are confusing things and a royal pain in the ass to configure, but having the default is better than having nothing.
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Configure your browsers.
Browsers have most things enabled by default, including tracking your location, turning your microphone on etc. Let’s disable that nonsense and make them ask you for permission because it’s 2020.
I’m using Chrome as an example below because it is INFAMOUS for this. Essentially, go through your browser and scroll through settings you don’t like.
Go to the little menu icon < select “Settings”
Sign out if it’s linked to your Google account. Let’s not give Chrome a reason to track your browsing history for your account >_>* Disable EVERYTHING:
Here, I turned off everything I would find annoying except autocomplete because I’m lazy.
NICE TRY GOOGLE, YOU CANT SAVE MY CREDIT CARD. (Seriously, don’t ever EVER autosave passwords/payment info).
The trick is to balance ease of use with security. These may vary from person to person, in general though, if there’s a setting ‘ask before etc.’ select that over ‘allow’.
As a rule of thumb:
NEVER ENABLE FLASH (not even an ‘ask before’), NEVER ENABLE LOCATION (ask before is fine, but at your own risk), NEVER ENABLE CAMERA (ask before is fine, but at your own risk, use the desktop version of an application over the browser version), NEVER ENABLE MICROPHONE (same as camera)
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Additional Tipss
Check every single social media setting. You should disable anything that accesses your privacy, if possible.
Cover your camera with a sticker. Disable it unless it’s needed
Disable your mic unless you need it.
Turn off Bluetooth/NFC when you don’t need it.
Have two separate networks/Wi-Fi for smart devices and personal devices.
Always use two/multi-factor-authentication for every single app, site, device etc. that you can.
Biometrics are preferable and the usual chosen default (fingerprints, retina scan, NOT FACE OR VOICE THIS IS SO EASY TO IMMITATE BRO PICTURES ARE A THING)
SMS (try to avoid if you can, please)
App ‘token’ authentication. A good choice if done well.
Hard physical key or token. The best option (Google: Yubikey, for some information on how this works).
Passwords
I know you use the same password for everything – get a centralized password manager, and start using different ones. Examples include PasswordSafe, Keeper, Bitdefender etc. Try go for a Cloud provider, and pay a little bit for the extra security and backup. If they’re compromised, then you will know, and you’ll be able to change everything. You can tie password managers to a token too.
USE PASSPHRASES, 17 characters is a good average length, use a mix of characters, uppercase, lowercase, numbers, ascii etc.
It doesn’t matter if your password is ‘complex’, it matters if it is complex and long. Servers and computers these days are jacked up on tech steroids and can bruteforce many things, given enough time.
Anti-virus.
EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE ONE, ON EVERY DEVICE. If you have a device that can add AV, add it. This goes for phones, PCs, smartTVs, you name it.
Free versions are okay, some free ones I like are Bitdefender, Kaspersky, McAfee, Avast (hate their fihsfirstg89ewjg9srjgrd ads though).
Sorry Mac users, that belief that you don’t need one is from 2008. Windows has more security built in than Mac, which means Mac devices should 100% make sure they are adding an AV.
VPN
Ahhhhh. The great VPN. A tricky one. Most free versions I find incredibly slow, but give them a try – play around! A VPN is an excellent addition and these days, I’d argue it’s an absolute must. Many AV solutions include a VPN package with their deal. If you want to make sure those sites don’t share your data, this is the thing that will hurt the most - a good VPN will make it a jumbled mess.
Updates - just do them.
There is no complete security in this day and age – it really is just a matter of time. If you use social media, you’re traceable, be it by the company, ISP, some bored 10 year old, or your ex, your data is out there circulating. Once it’s on the internet, it’s there forever, so don’t worry too much and try to make sure it’s all complex binary trash so that they open it and go “WTF” 😊
#tiktok#security#it security#data#data privacy#private browsing#facebook#google#data theft#third party ad#ads#secure browsing#protect data
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Trumpty Dumpty
WED FEB 05 2020
There used to be a legend, in my family, that my mom’s grandfather on her mother’s side, was the son of an, “Indian squaw.” Without getting too technical, research on Ancestry.Com about the woman in question, proved beyond all doubt that she was white as the driven snow.
Why? Because she happened to be Mormon... and Mormons happen to be extremely serious about genealogy... and have been since long before the internet came along.
This woman, my great great grandmother, had a thoroughly researched family tree on Ancestry going back to the Mayflower*... as do all Mormons, because they take history seriously.
I am certain this is why Mitt Romney, today turned out to be the one and only Republican who voted to convict and remove Donald Trump.
...Because while all this talk about how they’ll be viewed by history rings hollow to every other GOP Senator currently in Congress, to Mitt Romney, it means something, because he knows his descendants will never forget who he was, or what he did with his life... and that to join in on the acquittal of Trump would bring shame to his family for generations to come.
And he knew that... because we all know, that nobody in the near future, or the distant future, or the very remote future, will ever think of Donald Trump as anything but a shitty person, a terrible President, and an appallingly myopic world leader.
But yes... there was no flash removal of Trump today. He was acquitted, to the shock of nobody. But it is worth mentioning that the 48 Senators who voted to convict and remove Trump, represent eighteen million more people than the fifty-two Senators who acquitted him.
Eighteen million.
Immediately after his acquittal, Trump tweeted a CGI video flying over Trump campaign signs that said, “Trump 2020,” then, “Trump 2024,” then 28, 30, 40, and so on until beyond the year 9000 or some bullshit, before ending on Trump 4EVA.
I saw this, passing by a TV at work today, an it spooked me pretty good, because... well, here at MegaCircuit9Universe we talk a lot about time travel and in our model, he (his hyperversal twins on all worldlines) are well known for always attempting to, and sometimes succeeding at, becoming a dictator for life.
News folk passed this tweet off as a simple troll, as the video was a modified version of one created last year by Time Magazine (of all magazines) to promote an article about how Trumpism will outlast Trump.
I didn’t read that article, so I can’t comment on it, but the point here is, that was not just a simple troll. That was Trump, surviving one of the final checks on his power, putting us on notice of his intention to be our new dictator for life.
I wonder what the AI bot coalition is thinking about that today... especially since yesterday, at the State of the Union address, he continued to crow about, and take full credit for, the booming economy... that they continuously keep from derailing... because for most of them, it is the primary objective.
I would presume that they, as bots, would seek to exhaust every other possible option available, before actually allowing the economy to tank. And... there are still other options to exhaust in the quest to dislodge Trump from power... within a reasonable time frame.**
This same truth is what likely lead Speaker Pelosi to, just at the end of Trump’s ridiculous SOTU speech (in which he stopped to administer surprise gifts to audience members, encourage cheers of four more years, and in general made the affair a circus of lies) To tear up her copy of the speech, on camera, standing directly behind him.
I should stop to note here that his SOTU, for as crazy as it was, was quite positive in tone... so, very much the opposite of the one I recently suggested might flip the Senate against him... one full of wrath and nonsensical raving.
At any rate, Pelosi’s stunt of ripping up the speech had the immediate effect of stealing all the press coverage about SOTU for the rest of the night and into today. From the minute the speech was over, the only thing anybody in the media or online wanted to talk about was this stunt of hers... with it going viral on social media in the form of animated GIFs... being praised by the left, and decried by the right.
But many now speculate that this was also a signal that the House is not done with Trump. Indeed, some say the whole Impeachment trial, it’s timing delayed by a month, thanks to the Speaker, has been a kind of opening act to warm the audience up for the headliner act... which will be about court cases landing against his obstruction of subpoenas, his taxes coming out finally, more FOIA requests coming to fruition, more crimes coming to light, etc.
It doesn’t require any aluminum foil to imagine that such a second act... or third act, if you count the Mueller probe as act one... could finally bring the roof down on Trump’s head in this, an election year.
We all know the Ukraine shakedown was just the tip of an enormous iceberg, which, beneath the water’s surface, is the size of Mauna Kea... and that a shit ton of it will be coming to light soon... as courts strike down his past attempts at damage control... grant information requests to newspapers... as oversight hearings continue in the house... as books are published... and on.
What’s different now, after the impeachment trial, is that we all now also know which Senators are consciously complicit in Trump’s grand crime scheme, and it’s cover up.
We’ve had an idea for a while which House Representatives were complicit (Nunes), but that’s not such a big deal anymore, as we got back the House in 2018, but it took this impeachment trial to expose those poker faced Senators.
Senators play things a lot closer to the vest (Except for McConnell and Graham) which is natural, given that there are only 100 of them, and each one has a lot more power than the average House Rep... thus, a lot more power to lose, if they dirty their shoes in the muck that Reps will occasionally roll about in like swine.
The Impeachment essentially put a gun to their heads... confess your loyalty, Trump or the Constitution... because it cannot be both.
And now that 52 of them confessed, beyond any doubt, that their loyalty is to Trump, over the Constitution... well, now they’re all fair game, when it comes to exposing the greater bulk of that corruption iceberg.
Lev Parnas named Lindsey Graham as being in the loop with the Ukraine extortion scheme... and Bolton named Cipollone. And now you can bet your ass a lot more Senators and White House cabinet members will be exposed as being in that loop... and other loops... all looping around Trump... who is looping around Putin.
And I’ll leave the impeachment and SOTU analysis there for tonight.
Because I still have to talk about Iowa!
-------------------------------
So, in chronological order, on February 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th, it was... Super Bowl, Iowa, SOTU, and Impeachment.
Ignoring the Super Bowl, which had no real impact on anything here, Iowa, back on the 3rd, is still not resolved tonight as I write.
The Iowa Democratic Party refused to release any election results at all, the night of the caucuses... citing bullshit technical problems. The next day, they released 62% of the results. Then today... released up to 81% of the results... which were found, by sharp eyed election officials to have glaring errors, which IDP then, grudgingly corrected... while still not giving us 100% of the results at the time of writing.
In a nutshell, the original excuse of technical problems with some app they were using doesn’t hold water two days later, because there should have been plenty of time by now to count the paper record by hand, and so it does look as though the IDP simply did not like the results on election night... and has been scrambling to finesse them, ever since.
Why did they not like the results? Because, as I predicted, Joe Biden bit the dust, in this first primary election of the season, coming in a distant fourth place. But even worse... Bernie Sanders knocked it out of the park.
That, for the DNC, is not an acceptable outcome, and so, one would assume, they put pressure on IDP to hold off on announcing and, please double, triple, and quadruple check everything, until... they get something they can live with.
We saw the DNC do this in 2016, when Hillary was their darling, so... the only thing surprising here, is the level of desperation... over-reaching this far to suppress the results, this early on in the game.
The Faustian bargain the DNC (and IDP) are soo sloowly arriving at, is that Pete Buttigieg, who seems to have come in second in reality, should be presented to the world as having come in first... because if there’s no amount of finesse that can save Joe Biden from his pitiful numbers, then hand the centrist torch to Buttigieg. But no way in hell can Bernie Sanders get the political momentum he, and his voters earned out of this!
This does tend to expose how corrupt the DNC still is, and serve to remind us how we got Donald Trump in the first place... after they played this game in 2016, manufacturing consent for Hillary Clinton that did not exist on the ground.
But this time around, it’s not gonna play.
It’s not gonna wash.
It’s not gonna work.
It won’t work because, Bernie has too much of a head of steam, and there is nobody else in the field that can stop him.
Warren looked good until she revealed that she was not really for Medicare for all, but just some public option compromise bullshit. She’s been failing ever since that reveal, and her lame attempt to cast Bernie as a sexist hurt her even worse.
Biden, as predicted earlier in this blog, just has no game, and is running out of money quick. He’ll be gone before Super Tuesday in March.
Buttigieg blew his wad on Iowa and at the moment is simply a centrist place holder for Biden. All of his support will go to Bloomberg, as soon as Bloomberg enters the race in March.
This will leave it between Bernie and Bloomberg through the spring... but Bloomberg has no legs.
How do I know that? Well, as a billionaire trying to buy the election, he’s hemorrhaging millions out of pocket right now, just to stay relevant. And, while being a billionaire, he can afford to hemorrhage millions forever, without feeling the slightest bit faint, it’s a sign of failure that he has to go this route.
Where are his donors? He doesn’t have any because he has no ground game at all. All he has are ads. This is just a publicity stunt at it’s heart.
Obama, famous for his relentless ground game, blew away this kind of media blitz, money-is-no-object, opposition both times out. In his case they were being funded by SuperPacs, but it’s the same strategy of just pouring millions into ads without knocking on any doors.
Bernie Sanders has an even more relentless ground game than Obama ever had, without being funded by any corporate donors or super pacs... with more money than any of his rivals (other than Bloomberg) coming from the donations of regular wage workers.
He also has one magic card that even Trump can never possess... the 18 to 45 vote!
Trump won in 2016 by cobbling together a coalition of white schizophrenics, criminally insane white nationalists, Book of Revelation lunatics, and a freight train of garden variety conservative cowards, groomed by their elders to worship whoever seems to hold the scepter of authority no matter what they say or stand for.
That was a clever way to wring the last ounces of water there was left out of the damp cloth that is the white, conservative, male vote, in a post Obama universe.
But!..
Those hard won numbers in just the right districts, in just the right states... pale in comparison to the numbers available to he who can unlock the all-race, all-gender, 18 to 45 vote.
And Bernie has done that, this time around.
There is opposition to him, among the centrist boomers, and even some GenX and so-called, X-ennials... fearing that his nomination is just what Trump wants, and will seal our doom.
But even in the Primary season to come... that’s not gonna make a difference. By the Convention, the DNC will have no other choice than to nominate Sanders.
That’s my prediction.
Okay... extra long entry for an extra crazy start to February.
I’m going to bed.
*When you go back enough generations, everybody has some claim to a Mayflower passenger in their family tree... just as everybody can claim to be a descendant of Genghis Khan.
It’s just a quirk of the fact that every generation you go back, you are covering exponentially more people.
The point here is that my great great grandmother had an exhaustive family tree researched by many others... going back to the point where it becomes meaningless (mayflower) which guarantees beyond any doubt, she was not an, “Indian squaw,” as family legend contended.
** Economy Bots seek to unseat Trump because he has abused the legacy Presidential power of tariffs, which artificially changes the prices of things in a way they cannot control.
Thus, the reasonable time frame for removing Trump, is... sooner than he can tank the economy all by himself... which, since the inverted yield curve of mid 2018, has meant: as soon as possible.
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Don’t Ask Me How I’ve Been (Fake Happy) Chapter 2
This took forever to post bc of college and finals but I’m finished for the year so I finally had time to finish this! Thank you for reading!
read on ao3
Words: 10.3k
Description: Dan wakes up alone after his night with Phil.
Warnings: Swearing, drinking, some abusive relationship content (not between dnp)
There’s light streaming in through his bedroom window, and Dan groans into the pillow. He had no idea what time it was, but at the moment, he didn’t really care. There was a throbbing in his lower back, and as he gains consciousness, he slowly remembers the events of the night before.
With a start, he sits up, looking at the spot beside him where Phil should have been.
Except, the bed was empty.
Dan frowns, puzzled, as he rolls out of bed and glances around the room. He’s alone in his bedroom. A pit of anxiety begins growing in his stomach, but he forces himself to calm down. Phil probably just woke up early and went to the bathroom or something. Dan stumbles over to the en-suite, but he can already tell that’s a dead end, as the door is wide open, the light off.
The nervous feeling in his stomach refuses to settle, but he tries not to freak out. It’s fine. Phil might’ve gone out to the lounge or something to wait for Dan to wake up.
The lounge is empty.
After a quick round through his flat, Dan realizes he’s actually alone. He wonders if maybe Phil had left a note, maybe he’d missed it in his panic. He slowly goes back to his bedroom and searches every surface. Nothing. The same result in the kitchen, and lounge. It’s as if… As if he was never here in the first place.
Dan is uncertain why that hurts as badly as it does, but before he can think too far into the why, the reality sets in, and tears start leaking from his eyes. There was no way he’d made up the whole thing… Right?
He manages to pull himself out of his thoughts long enough to remember he had a cell phone. Maybe Phil had texted him to explain where he’d gone!
It’s not until Dan’s sitting down on the sofa and unlocking his phone that he realizes two things. One, he’d definitely skipped the awards show last night, and all the missed calls, messages, and social media notifications that were waiting on his phone was proof of how much shit he’d be in the minute he got in contact with his manager. And secondly, he had never thought to get Phil’s phone number.
Shit.
He ignores all the messages to open the Uber app, swearing when he realizes the settings no longer allowed him to see Phil’s number. The only option he has is to contact him through the app, but he has no idea how desperate that will make him seem. Then he recalls that he never actually paid Phil, so without another thought, he clicks “Contact Driver” and begins typing.
Dan: Hi. You’re probably busy so I’m sorry for interrupting, but you left before I could pay you for the ride. Do you want to meet somewhere so I can pay you?
He contemplates the words for a moment before deciding to just go ahead and send it. It’s not going to make him feel any worse if he does, and maybe when Phil responds they can go out for coffee or something and actually talk. Besides the fact that he’d had a great night with him in bed, Phil seemed to share a lot of his interests, and he’d really like to get to know him better. Especially since things were over with Ben.
With the reminder, he realizes he’s still got a ton of unopened messages and many missed calls, most of them likely from his manager. Reluctantly, he goes to his missed calls, deciding to get the worst of it over with now. He clicks on Annette’s name, the number fourteen red beside her name. He cringes as he waits for her to pick up.
“Daniel James, I swear to god, if you ever-“ She doesn’t even say hello, just immediately starts yelling at him.
He can understand this, but at the same time, he’d already been having a shit morning, he didn’t want to deal with this too. “I know, Annette. I know. I’m sorry.” He heaves a sigh, leaning back on his sofa and rubbing a hand down his face. “You know why I didn’t want to be there,” he says softly.
She’s quiet for a moment before she finally sighs. She sounds almost exhausted as he feels. “I know, Dan.” And she does. Annette had known how in love Dan was with Ben from the moment he’d convinced her to sign Ben to the company. Dan had already been working with them for a little over two years, but when he’d met Ben, he just knew he had potential. He’d begged Annette and the rest of her team to sign him, and eventually, they caved, assuming it would be for the best.
Oh, how the tables turn.
“How’s he handling the win?” Dan asks, bitterness lacing his tone. “I’m sure he’s letting it go to his head, huh?”
There’s a pause, and Dan feels a little uneasy at her silence. Then, “Dan, he didn’t win.”
“Oh,” Dan says slowly. He hates himself for it, really, he does, but he can feel himself feeling sorry for Ben. He’d wanted this so badly. “So, who did?”
Now, Annette just sounds amused. “Have you checked literally any of your notifications?” She asks, rather than answer his question.
Dan’s confused. “Um, no. I haven’t been up long, and I figured I’d get my ass chewed out if I didn’t call you the minute I woke up.”
Annette laughs at this, and Dan’s relieved to hear the sound. So, he wouldn’t be in nearly as much trouble as he thought, especially if Annette is laughing. “Good call.”
“So… Who won?” He repeats his question, the curiosity eating at him.
“You did, love,” Annette says gently.
Dan feels as if all the breath in his lungs has been knocked out. “I… What?”
There’s another laugh. “I don’t know why you’re so surprised, dear. The film was a huge success, and you did wonderfully in it.”
He’s having a difficult time wrapping his head around the idea that he’s just won an award, an actual, proper award, for his acting. Then, guilt swarms in as he remembers he hadn’t been there to accept it. There’s a tightness in his throat as he wonders who accepted it on his behalf. “Oh… Did… um, who-“
Annette seems to know where his mind is, because she cuts him off. “I did. I didn’t think you’d want Ben to do it, and it wouldn’t have looked good for his current… narrative.” The word comes out strained, and Dan is pretty sure he knows why. Their manager wasn’t thrilled that Ben decided he wanted to be portrayed in a specific heteronormative way, and Dan thought that the reason probably had a lot to do with himself. Annette was somewhat of a mum to him, and she had told him many times that Ben was a right twat. Unfortunately, she’d been right.
“Oh. Thank you,” Dan says sincerely. He really would have the worst time if Annette wasn’t his manager. “I’m sorry I skipped it.”
“Not a problem, Daniel. We said you were sick. You weren’t out doing anything stupid, right? If it leaks that you were out and not actually sick, we’ll have a hell of a time explaining it.”
Dan shakes his head before he remembers she can’t see him. He sits up and moves to take the mugs, still full of tea from last night, to the sink, a thought striking him as he goes to stand. “Oh. I didn’t exactly go out and do anything stupid, but…” He trails off, uncertain how to tell her. He knew technically it wasn’t her business, but he knew that she’d want to know just in case the story of him sleeping with an Uber driver ended up in the press. Not that Phil would do that. But still, better safe than sorry.
“What did you do?” Annette says with a wary sigh.
“Um, well… I had a hookup-“
“Oh Jesus, Dan. Did they know who you were?”
“Well, yes, but-“
“Dan, you’ve really got to be careful about that kind of thing. What if he’d hurt you?” Annette asks, voice full of concern.
Dan sets the mugs in the sink, an uneasy feeling in his chest from her words. “Phil was harmless, he wouldn’t have done that.”
Annette is quiet for a long time, and Dan starts to wonder if maybe the connection had failed. Eventually, she speaks. “Is he still there?”
Now it’s Dan’s turn to be quiet. “No… He was gone when I woke up. But, he probably had other clients, it’s not like he-“
“Jesus Christ, Dan! You hired a hooker?” Annette is near screaming, and Dan’s face floods with heat.
“No!” He shouts, embarrassed that he’d made it sound that way. “He was the Uber driver, not- fuck, Annette. Obviously, I didn’t hire a hooker.”
“Okay,” Annette breathes, sounding relieved. “That’s definitely more manageable. Do you have his phone number?”
Dan shifts awkwardly. “No,” he admits.
Annette sighs, but doesn’t sound surprised. “Well, that makes things a little more complicated.”
“Why do you need it?” Dan asks, confused.
“In case he decides to go to the press, Dan. We need to be able to get in contact with him.”
Something swirls in his stomach, and Dan knows he’s not going to be able to keep his mouth shut this time. “Phil isn’t going to go tattle that he slept with me. I seriously doubt he’d even consider doing that.”
“But how do you know that?” She asks, gentle.
Dan huffs. He doesn’t want to admit how infatuated he was with Phil, not yet. And especially not to Annette, of all people. “I just don’t see why he would. Would that even be a story worth selling? I’m already out. There’s no secrets here. If anything, it would make Ben look less like a liar.”
Annette seems to consider this. “I suppose,” she says slowly. “But I’d still rather you try and get his information, so we have it, just in case.”
“I already messaged him,” he reassures her, moving over to his kettle to fill it up with water. He desperately needed a cup of coffee.
“Good. Well, congratulations on your win, Dan. You deserve it. Take it easy, okay? Oh, and call your mum. She’s already called me twice, she wants to congratulate you.”
Dan groans, but agrees. “Thanks, Ann.”
“Mhm,” is her response.
The phone call ends with a beep, and Dan sighs loudly. He can’t help but go check his Uber app, hoping to see a response from Phil. Nothing.
With an unsettled feeling in his chest and a heavy sigh, Dan goes about checking the rest of his notifications as the water in his kettle heats up, wondering about a man with black hair and blue eyes the whole time.
~
Three weeks.
Three weeks pass, and Dan doesn’t hear a single peep from Phil.
Twenty-four hours after his Uber ride had scheduled to end, he’s no longer given the option of contacting the driver, so his contact with him is thoroughly severed.
Dan can’t help but be mad, at himself for not getting Phil’s phone number, but also at Phil, because who the fuck has that kind of night with someone and then just fucks off to Neverland? Phil, apparently.
Over those three weeks, Dan has a lot of time to overthink everything that happened that night. He wonders what he did that made Phil decide to leave with no note or anything left behind, and eventually, he comes to the conclusion that it was his oversharing. Who does that? Who ruins a perfectly nice hookup with a perfectly nice man with all of that ridiculous emotional baggage? Dan, apparently.
Despite the fact that Dan’s thoughts feel consumed with worries about that night and where he went wrong, he still has a life to live outside of that. That life includes a celebratory party at his agency in honor of his first big award win, a party that, thankfully, Ben isn’t invited to. Dan had all but begged Annette to make sure he didn’t come, but in the end, she hadn’t had to make a single call. Ben informed the team that he and Sophia would be going on holiday to Edinburgh only a couple days after the awards show, the purpose of the trip apparently so he could meet her parents.
Dan tries not to let that hurt too much, but if he gets wine drunk and breaks the vinyl records Ben left at his flat after hearing the news, well, that’s his business.
He does slowly start to come to terms with the ending of that chapter in his life, even if some of his coping mechanisms aren’t exactly ideal. The only good thing about it all is the timing, because he’s not set to start filming his part in a new film for another month, so until then, he’s got all the downtime he needs to have his breakdown.
A breakdown that includes some nights of copious amount of alcohol, or sometimes just copious amounts of food. The breakdown may also include a few nights of wearing Ben’s old clothes and sobbing into the fabric, but when the worst of it is over, Dan washes the clothes and folds them neatly, placing them in a cardboard box to start the process of packing up Ben’s things.
The process is more taxing than he’d originally anticipated, though, so eventually he finds himself putting it off for another time. It had only been a week and a half at that point, and something about stuffing Ben’s belongings into a box made him almost sick. It almost seemed like he’d died, and while the rational part of Dan’s brain knew this wasn’t true, the panicked, nervous part just screamed at him to leave it for another day.
Along with the packing, Dan had also taken to spending more time at the agency, mainly just to stay away from his too-empty apartment and, admittedly, to distract him from the thoughts of Phil that still swarm in his brain. Logically, he was aware that it was essentially a fluke; he’d barely been in the other man’s company for four hours, there was virtually no reason for Dan to feel as attached to him as he did. And yet, there was just something about Phil that Dan felt inexplicably drawn to.
Whatever the reason was, Dan had essentially given up any hope of ever seeing the man again by the time three weeks had passed since that night.
On the three-week mark, he found himself out of his usual routine when he’s invited to a house party. Apparently, it was just going to be a few people from his agency and some other people in the business, no one of any real importance from what he could gather. Just an ensemble of up-and-coming artists who for some reason thought getting drunk and making embarrassing memories together would strengthen their work relationships. Or something like that, at least.
Dan had agreed to go only on the principle that he hadn’t been spending much time hanging out with any of his friends outside of work lately, and sometimes he did miss them. Well, some of them, at least. There was a couple, or namely just one, coworkers that he’d rather not see, but with the hope that a house party would seem far too childish to Ben, Dan agrees to go.
When he shows up at Christopher’s house, the party is already in full swing. It’s not as bad as college house parties; there weren’t gaggles of drunk people loitering around on the lawn, but Dan wasn’t so sure he could say the same for the inside. With a heaved sigh, he plasters on a fake smile and makes his way to the door.
He doesn’t bother knocking, Christopher never knocked when he went anywhere, and Dan could hear how loud the music was from here; no one would even notice if he knocked. When he steps inside, he’s almost immediately called over by the host of the party himself.
“Dan! Dan the man! Come on, mate, we’re doing shots!” Christopher’s obnoxious voice calls over to him from his spot in the lounge, a group of familiar faces surrounding him.
Dan tries not to grimace, but it’s hard. He doesn’t like getting drunk with a group nearly as much as he did back in his teenage years, as he’s got this awful tendency to spill his guts about every secret in his life. That tendency had gotten him into a lot of trouble with Ben over the years, so eventually he’d stopped drinking so much at parties.
“Good to see you, mate,” Dan says amicably when he reaches the group, patting Christopher on the back. And it was, Christopher was one of the only actors that were signed on at the agency that he actually liked. Some of them weren’t horrible, exactly, but Dan did have standards when it came to his friends.
“Here you go,” says a girl called April as she hands him a shot glass.
“Thanks,” Dan nods to her. He glances around the room to survey the attendees for anyone else that he was friends with, mainly so he’d have an excuse to escape Christopher before his drinking games began. “Nice party, mate, I-“ He begins, eyes still flitting around the room. He cuts himself off abruptly when he sees blonde hair and a leather jacket.
No. Please, no.
But yes, it’s unmistakably Ben, and standing next to him is a petite girl with platinum blonde hair, much lighter than Ben’s could ever hope to be without serious work. Sophia.
Dan can’t help but study Ben, checking to see any visible signs of discomfort or grief. He doesn’t find any, but as he watches him talking and laughing with the few people around him, Ben’s eyes suddenly flick up, meeting his own briefly. His face flaming, Dan quickly turns back to the group he’s with, downing his shot at once. Okay, so maybe he’d have a couple drinks tonight.
“You alright, Dan?” Comes a quiet voice to his left. Dan glances over and finds Erika, Annette’s assistant and one of his close friends. She’s holding a water bottle, and Dan knows from previous party experience that it’s just that- water. She doesn’t drink, and Dan thinks that at this moment he’d never been so grateful to see another human being.
“Erika! I haven’t seen you in ages,” Dan says brightly, avoiding her question as he leans down to hug her.
The brunette smiles up at him but bites her lip and flicks her eyes over somewhere behind Dan, and he knows that she’s seen Ben. It wasn’t like everyone at the agency knew that Dan and Ben had been a thing and weren’t anymore, but it certainly hadn’t left the attention of his PR agent and some of her staff. If he wasn’t so anxious after seeing Ben, he’d probably be embarrassed about how the sight of Ben made him react.
“How have you been, love?” Erika asks in a soft voice, only barely loud enough for Dan to hear her.
He glances over at the group, and realizing they aren’t paying any attention to them, he nods for her to follow him to a corner to talk quietly. “I’ve been better,” he says with a bitter laugh.
She levels him with a pitying smile, and he feels a tightening in his throat, which he hates. “I heard that Ben moved out,” she says quietly.
Dan clenches his fists, trying to remind himself that Erika didn’t mean anything by it. It’s not like she knew all the details; he hadn’t even told Annette the full story. The first day back at the agency after the awards ceremony, she’d asked what exactly happened, and he’d given her the shortest answer possible, just explaining that he would be moving Ben’s things out soon. He’d left it at that.
“We weren’t really living together in the first place,” Dan mutters under his breath, looking down at his shoes and half-wishing he had gotten a drink from someone before this conversation.
Erika sends him a disbelieving look. “Sure, but his things were living at your flat, right?” The thing about Erika was that while she was a sweetheart, she was not afraid to call him out on his shit. It looked like this would be one of those times.
“Well, they aren’t going to be for long. I’ve already started packing it up.” He wasn’t going to pretend that she was wrong; Erika knew more about his and Ben’s situation than even Annette did.
It’s quiet for a few moments before Erika speaks. “I’m sorry, love,” she says gently. “I can’t even imagine… You know you can come stay with me anytime you want, right? If you just need to a change of view or some company.”
He knows her offer is sincere, but he hated to be a burden. “Thanks, Erika. I’ll let you know if I need a shoulder to cry on, but for now I think I’m handling it okay.” He offers her a smile to soften the blow of his rejection.
If it bothers her that he didn’t accept the invitation, she doesn’t let it show. Instead, she points to a group of people by the fireplace. “Did you hear that James and Phoebe are sleeping together?” She asks in a conspiratorial voice.
Dan laughs at this, more than glad that the topic of their conversation has moved to something that isn’t his own life. “I hadn’t, but I can believe it. James is just making his way ‘round, huh?”
Erika’s eyes sparkle, and Dan can tell she’s glad that her distraction is a success. “I think the only people he hasn’t slept with are the guys at the agency and me, of course,” she giggles.
“Imagine that!” He replies, shaking his head with a fond smile. “He wouldn’t sleep with a lesbian?”
“Yeah, I think-“ she starts, turning to gesture to the fireplace again.
She’s interrupted by a voice Dan definitely didn’t want to hear. “Gossiping, are we, ladies?” Ben sneers.
Dan huffs, turning to face him. His breath gets caught when he sees him up-close for the first time in three weeks. He looks good, obviously, with his stupid blonde hair and his stupid leather jacket. He’s got a smirk on his face when Dan looks at him, and Dan can only imagine how much he’s enjoying the way Dan is obviously still very much attracted to him.
“Not about you, sadly. Do something interesting with your life and you might just make an appearance in our little chats,” Erika says in a sickly-sweet voice.
Her sarcastic comment breaks Dan out of his stupor, and he tries to hide his smile. Ben looks at her with distaste, much the way that he looked at everyone else he thought was beneath him. “Right, because I want to be the center of attention in your little gay fantasies.”
Dan scoffs at that. “As if, mate. You would want to be the center of attention in a room of serial killers, even if they were trying to kill you.”
Ben narrows his eyes at him. “At least I’m not scared of the attention I get,” he snaps.
Shrugging, Dan shifts to lean against the wall, trying to put some space between them. “Not scared, just don’t get off to it like you do.” Dan smirks as he says this, seeing the perfect opening for a remark he’ll probably regret. “And I would know about getting you off, huh, Ben?”
The blonde clenches his fist at his side, and Dan instinctively flinches away. He doesn’t even realize he’s done it until he hears Erika gasp softly beside him.
“You need to go. Right now.” She’s glaring at Ben, a look of pure hatred on her face. Dan had never seen her look so livid, but right now she looked absolutely disgusted.
Ben shifts his glare onto her, laughing loudly and crossing his arms. Dan’s eyes flit around the room, and he shifts awkwardly when he realizes that they’ve got quite a few eyes on them at the moment. “Erika…” he says lowly, trying to keep her voice down.
“So, Danny needs a bodyguard now? Poor bastard can’t defend himself, so he needs you to do it for him?” Although Dan knows he’s speaking to Erika, he knows the words are meant to hurt him.
“No-“ Erika starts, stepping closer to him and poking his chest harshly.
“Erika, stop, just-“
“Don’t act like you don’t get off to someone taking care of you, Daniel. We both know you’re just a little bitch who can’t take care of himself,” Ben taunts, a smirk on his lips.
Dan’s teeth grind together, and he gently tugs on Erika’s arm to pull her away from him. He appreciated the thought, but he knew Ben, and unfortunately, he knew that he was absolutely the kind of person to swing a punch, even if the person in front of him was a woman. “That’s enough, Ben. Wouldn’t want everyone in here to figure out all your little secrets, would we?” Dan raises a brow in challenge, knowing damn well that Ben doesn’t want anyone to know about their past.
Ben clenches his jaw, but steps back. He glances around the room, and it seems like everyone who was watching them suddenly realizes how rude that is, as almost every pair of eyes flit away. “We both know you wouldn’t say shit, faggot.” Ben spits the word out, and Dan can feel his blood boiling.
“You seem to forget that I’m not the one stuck in a fucking closet. I’d watch my fucking mouth, if I were you,” Dan replies snidely, his anger giving him the confidence to say something so bold to Ben.
With his eyes narrowed, Ben leans in closer, and it takes everything in Dan to not flinch away. “You can call it what you want, but we both know that at the end of the day, you’re just another hole to fuck,” he whispers, just loud enough so Dan can hear over the music and chatter.
Dan doesn’t even think before he does it. One moment he’s feeling the pain and anger of hearing the man he once loved say that to him, and the next he’s shoving him, hard.
Ben loses his balance and falls to the floor, effectively quieting the room. He looks almost as shocked as Dan feels, looking up at him with an expression Dan has never seen on his face. Dan can feel his hands shaking and he knows he’s about to have a breakdown if he doesn’t leave.
Before he can even consider it, he looks down at Ben, a frown on his face. “I feel sorry for you, Ben. I really, really do.” He glances around the room until he catches sight of Sophia, who looks shocked at the scene in front of her. “I just hope she’s not as stupid as I was.”
Sophia stares at him, her eyebrows furrowing in confusion at his words. He knows it’s not his concern, but he hopes that for her sake, she breaks up with Ben. She really was a sweet girl, she didn’t deserve the kind of shit life she’d have if she stayed with him.
Without a second glance at the man on the floor, Dan murmurs a quick goodbye to Erika before heading to the front door. Christopher yells out to him, probably to try and get some sort of explanation, but Dan waves him off, pulling his phone out as he steps outside. He’d taken an Uber here, but he hadn’t asked the driver to hang around, considering he thought he’d be there for several hours, instead of less than one.
He quickly goes through the app and orders a car, walking out to sit on the side of the road until it arrived. A message popped up saying there was a driver less than ten minutes away, and he was more than relieved to see that he wouldn’t be stuck out here long. He’d hate for anyone to come out here to check on him, or try and ask him what had happened, which was honestly the more likely outcome.
Barely ten minutes later, a car is pulling up close to the house. Dan stands and tucks his phone into his pocket, slowly making his way over to the car. Something about the color is familiar to him, but it doesn’t full set in until he’s almost to the car. He stops dead in his tracks, staring in silence as the driver’s side window rolls down, revealing a face that’s been keeping him up at night.
“Um… Hi,” Phil says softly, scratching the back of his head in an awkward fashion.
Dan doesn’t speak. It’s almost as if he’s seeing a ghost, but he can tell that Phil is definitely there, and he is very much about to be alone in a car with him.
“Uh, you can… Um, you can sit in the passenger if you want,” Phil stutters out awkwardly, gesturing to the seat beside him.
Silently, Dan moves around to the passenger side of the car, his mind stuck on the fact that after three weeks, he’s actually seeing Phil again. He puts his seatbelt on slowly, staring at his hands as he does so and trying hard not to look over at the driver. As soon as he’s buckled up, however, he’s got nothing else to distract himself with.
“Do you need my address?” He asks flatly, staring straight out the windshield instead of looking at Phil.
He can feel the other man’s gaze on him, but he refuses to meet it. After a quiet sigh, Phil speaks. “No, I remember how to get there.”
“Okay.”
It’s silent in the car for a few moments, and Dan doesn’t know if that’s worse than talking about the obvious elephant in the room. He doesn’t know if Phil even wants to talk about it, but he knows that he’s biting his tongue to keep his thoughts to himself.
Eventually, Phil seems unable to handle the silence. “How have you been?” He asks softly.
Dan can’t help it. He glances over at him, an incredulous look on his face. “I’m sorry?” He asks, as if he hadn’t heard him right.
Phil clears his throat, his grip tightening on the steering wheel. “How have you been? It’s been… about three weeks, right?”
With a bitter laugh, Dan shifts to lean his head back. “Yeah. Three weeks. I’ve been doing just lovely, thanks for asking.”
There’s a beat of silence before Phil says, “I don’t think you’re being honest.”
Dan whips his head to the side to stare at Phil. “Well spotted,” he snaps.
Phil lets out a deep breath, and Dan can tell he’s becoming agitated. “I’m sorry,” he whispers.
This time, Dan really doesn’t think he’s heard him right. “What?” He asks, his eyebrows furrowing together.
“I’m sorry. For… well, for not answering your message, for one. And…” He glances over at Dan then, swallowing hard, and Dan’s eyes flit down to take in the movement. “And for leaving without telling you.”
Dan can only stare at him in silence for what feels like a long time. He’d wanted that apology, but now that he’s got it, he doesn’t feel any better. If anything, it only manages to make him feel worse. “Right,” Dan says, clearing his throat. He glances out the window, relieved to see that they’re already almost to his flat. Luckily it was a short drive this time, because although he’d spent the majority of the past three weeks thinking about Phil, he’s finding that he really doesn’t want to be around him right now.
“I get why you’re upset with me, Dan, really, I do, but please say something.” Phil’s voice is almost begging, and Dan knows it won’t take long for him to cave.
Dan laughs once, without humor. “I don’t have anything to say, Phil. We fucked, and you disappeared right after. There’s really not much to comment on there, if you ask me.” He shrugs, trying to sound as nonchalant as he can.
“Dan…” Phil says softly, clearly upset.
They’ve pulled up to his building, and Dan knows he’s got to ask. It’s eating away at him, and he knows he’s got to have an answer. “Can you just tell me why?” He asks, finally turning to properly face Phil once he’s brought the car to a stop. “Was it… Was it not good for you? Or was it the fact that I told you all that shit about Ben? Because you literally told me I could talk to you about it, and I…” He trails off, his throat slowly closing up. He shuts his eyes tightly, trying to stop the tears. “I really wanted to be friends. Like I didn’t want to just fuck you, you know.”
“It’s not that! It wasn’t any of that, Dan, I swear. I just… I can’t…” Phil’s voice cracks, and Dan’s eyes flutter open to find him staring at him helplessly, his eyes watery. Some sick, hurt part of Dan is glad to see that Phil is upset. It made him feel slightly better about his own pain, in a weird way.
“Is there… is it someone else?” Dan whispers, almost not wanting an answer. He’d be sick, actually sick, if Phil told him he’d cheated on someone else with him that night.
“What?” Phil sounds shocked. “No, Dan. God, no. I don’t do that.” He’s shaking his head adamantly, and Dan believes him. The relief he feels at the reassurance is immeasurable.
“Then?” He questions, raising his eyebrows. “What the fuck?”
Phil takes in a deep breath, leaning back in his seat and letting his gaze flit away from Dan and onto the building they’re parked in front of. Dan doesn’t think he’s going to answer at first, but after a few moments, he begins speaking quietly. “I’m not good enough for you,” he breathes. “I’m not an actor or anyone special, okay? I wish I was, but I’m not. I’m just me. I work at a video store and drive for Uber to make ends meet, and I just-“
Dan cuts him off with a harsh laugh, pulling out his wallet and counting out enough money for this ride and the last one, since he’d never gotten to pay him. “That’s ridiculous, you know.” He can’t help the way his voice cracks. “Pulling the whole “it’s not you, it’s me,” thing. It’s good, but I really expected something a little more impressive.” He places the cash on the console between them before stepping out of the car.
“Dan, please-“ Phil starts, looking stricken.
“You know, I really thought that we just clicked, you know? Like the whole time we were together that night, I felt like we had a lot in common, and it was such a relief to be around someone who wasn’t a total dick, but I guess I’ve never been great at character judgement.” Dan shakes his head, a grimace on his face. He slams the car door shut, ignoring how badly he wants to turn around and apologize for what he’d just said.
“That’s not fair,” Phil calls to him. Dan turns around to find Phil stepping out of the car.
“No, what’s not fair is you acting like you gave a damn about me and then leaving without saying shit. Do you know how that feels? Like, honestly?” He swallows hard. He hadn’t given a name to what he’d felt since seeing Phil again, but he felt like he finally had some clarity. He felt used. As if Phil had only wanted to sleep with him because he’s “famous,” not because he actually liked him.
“I’m sorry, Dan. Please, I didn’t-“ he steps closer, holding his hand out as if he wants to touch Dan.
On instinct, Dan flinches away. The look of hurt on Phil’s face then almost breaks his heart, but he refuses to act as if it did. “It felt like being used, Phil. That’s how it felt.”
Phil’s shoulders sag then, as if he’s just deflated. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, Dan. I just… I’m not like you. I don’t have money, or a ton of friends, or some amazing career. And, you… You deserve whatever you want, Dan.”
Dan shakes his head slowly. “What I wanted was you,” he mutters before turning to go inside his flat.
“Dan, please, I just-“
Without so much as a glance back, Dan walks into his building, shutting the door behind him with a firm click.
~
A heavy cardboard box sits at the end of Dan’s sofa, haphazardly closed with some scotch tape. He hadn’t bothered labeling it; when he dropped them off at Annette’s office, he’d make sure she called Ben in to come retrieve them. Dan had no desire to see the man himself, and he knew his manager would take care of it for him. With a heavy sigh, Dan allows his gaze to sweep over the lounge, making sure for the last time that he’d collected all of Ben’s belongings.
After finding nothing that didn’t belong to him, Dan moves to the kitchen. He was almost certain that he had already gotten everything of Ben’s from the cupboards, but he planned on double checking just to make sure. He opens the cupboard where he kept the coffee mugs, and his gaze catches on one in particular. He pulls the stupid Mario Kart mug out and without a second glance, tosses it straight in the bin. It was a shitty mug anyway, he reasons with himself as he turns back to the cupboard.
With nothing else left in the kitchen to remove, Dan makes his way to his bedroom. He’d left the final box in there, and after a quick check he would be done with packing everything up. He specifically avoids looking at the items already filling the box, instead turning to riffle through his dresser. He’d left one empty for Ben, and although he’d already emptied it out, he knew that Ben had a tendency to stuff his clothes and things in the other drawers, too. After finding nothing but an old Napoleon Dynamite t-shirt, he slams the drawers shut.
It was weirdly therapeutic, closing the box full of Ben’s things and closing it with crappy tape. It felt like the ending of a chapter, and even though it sort of felt like everything else in his life had gone to shit, Dan feels slightly better knowing that at least this part was over.
He drops the last box onto the top of the other one in his lounge, dropping his hands to his waist as he surveys his day’s work. “Well. That’s that, I suppose,” he says aloud. He’s well aware of how weird it makes him look to just talk to himself in an otherwise empty flat, but he’d declined Erika’s offer to help him pack. Maybe he slightly regretted that now, but he felt that he needed to be alone to do this. Now that he was done, however, we was feeling drained and exhausted and in desperate need of a shower and some human interaction.
Dan’s just picked up his phone and started typing out a message to Erika when he hears a knock at his door. He wants to groan, because he knew of only two people who knew the code to get into his building, and right now he wasn’t in the mood to talk to Annette or, god forbid, Ben. With a groan that’s more overdramatic than the situation warrants, he makes his way to the door and flings it open without a second thought.
“Hi, I- oh.” His standard welcome is cut short when he realizes the person on the other side of his door is neither party he expected.
Phil gives him a shy smile. “Hey, um, someone was leaving when I came in, and they held the door for me. I’m not sure if they just assumed I lived here, or they just didn’t care, but I guess it’s a good thing I’m not a serial murderer.”
It takes Dan several moments to find his voice. After their argument the other night, he hadn’t expected to see Phil ever again, and despite the fact that it annoyed him deeply, he’d managed to push it to the back of his mind, considering it wasn’t like he really had a lot to tie himself to the man. And yet, here he is, rambling at his door.
“Why are you here?” Is the first thing that falls from Dan’s mouth. He almost winces at himself with how rude it sounds, but then he remembers why they left things the way they did, and decides he’s earned the right to be rude.
Phil’s face drops into an expression of guilt. “I know you probably want me to leave, but I needed to come by and apologize. I know I made you upset the other day, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what I said, and for leaving without telling you, and for not answering your messages. I was a twat, and I know that.” His words come out in a rush, and Dan is left staring at him in mute surprise.
It’s then that he notices that Phil isn’t empty-handed; in his right hand, his fingers grip a small gift bag, messily stuffed with tissue paper. “What’s in the bag?” He asks rather than addressing Phil’s apology. It was almost exactly what Dan wanted to hear, but Phil didn’t have to know that right now, and Dan didn’t have to forgive him so soon.
At Dan’s words, Phil seems to remember he’s holding something, and he quickly holds it out. “Oh. Um, here. It’s for you.”
Dan frowns, his brows knitting together uncertainly. “Is it, like, a bomb or something?” He asks, only partially joking. He’d never been actually seriously threatened before, but he still barely knew Phil, he wasn’t going to just blindly assume that he wouldn’t try it.
Phil’s lips curve up into a small smile, and he shakes his head. “No, it’s not. It’s… well, just look and see.”
With a strong sense of uncertainty and more curious than he’d like to admit, Dan tugs the tissue paper out of the bag. Phil holds a hand out for it, and Dan is careful not to allow their hands to touch as he hands it over. He’s left staring into the bag, his eyebrows knitting together yet again as he tugs the object out. “A coffee mug?” He asks flatly. He wasn’t sure what exactly to expect, but a plain black coffee mug wasn’t exactly it.
Phil smiles, clearly excited. “It changes when you pour hot water in it. Like,” he reaches a hand out for it then, and unthinkingly, Dan flinches away. Phil’s smile drops, and he studies Dan with an almost sad look in his eyes. “May I?” He asks, softly. Dan slowly nods, holding the cup out to him. Phil takes it from him gently, turning it over to show Dan one side of it. “The cup will turn white, and this part right here will show the heart from Undertale,” he explains, glancing up at Dan with a sheepish smile. “I thought, um… I figured it would match your other one.”
Dan settles into a stunned silence at the thoughtful gift, staring down at the ceramic as he tries to process it. Phil didn’t have to apologize to him, obviously, but he certainly didn’t have to do so with a gift. Dan wasn’t sure anyone, especially Ben, had ever done something like that for him, so now he wasn’t so sure that he could fathom Phil’s reasoning for it. “Um, thank you,” he says softly, taking the mug back when Phil holds it out to him.
Nodding, Phil steps back, his hand coming up to rub at the back of his neck in what is probably a nervous habit. “You’re welcome. Um… I guess I’ll go, I just wanted to bring that by, and… I just wanted to say I was sorry, for messing everything up. I really didn’t intend for things to go the way they did.”
Still trying to gather his thoughts, Dan watches as Phil turns around, tucking his hands into his pockets as he moves to disappear from Dan’s life. Without much thought to the consequences of doing so, Dan steps out and calls his name.
Phil turns around with an eyebrow raised, looking more surprised than Dan feels he has the right to. “Yeah?”
Dan chews his lip for a moment, glancing back down at the mug in his hands. With a sigh, he closes his eyes and speaks. “Are you busy right now?”
There’s a beat of silence, and Dan slowly opens his eyes to take a peek at Phil’s reaction. He’s expecting more silence or even an awkward excuse, but Phil has a soft smile on his face. “I’m not, no.”
Nodding, as if he’d expected this, Dan runs his hand through his curls before gesturing to his flat. “Would you like to come play Mario Kart with me?”
Phil’s smile shifts into something even softer, if it’s possible, and Dan swallows hard. He’s inviting him in as a friend this time, nothing more. He can do that, and they can be friends. He’s afraid if he doesn’t convince himself of this, he’ll mess things up. “I’d love to,” Phil responds easily.
Dan steps back and holds the door for him, closing it with a gentle push once Phil is making his way to the lounge. “You can take your coat off and put it wherever,” he says off-handedly as he goes to set the mug in the kitchen.
When he makes his way back to the lounge, Phil’s left his coat on the back of the armchair Dan rarely used, and the man himself is stood staring at the boxes at the end of Dan’s sofa, an almost-grimace on his face. Before Dan has the chance to say anything, Phil turns to look at him, a strange look on his face. “Are you moving?” He asks. If Dan didn’t know better, he’d think that Phil actually sounded upset about it.
Dan smiles at this but shakes his head. “No, I’m just clearing out some junk I don’t need anymore.” He moves to the television and begins setting up the game, glancing over at Phil as he does so. “You can sit, you know. I’m not going to make you stand the entire time you’re here.”
Phil smiles briefly at this, but he’s got a panicked look on his face, like he really wants to say something else. Dan quirks an eyebrow at him, and apparently that’s all the permission he needed, because then he’s speaking quickly, barely giving Dan a chance to catch his words. “Not that I don’t want to spend time with you, because obviously I do, but I really think we should talk about what happened. You’ve barely said anything to me since I got here, and I want to know what you’re thinking. Please, just say something so I know you don’t hate me.”
Seemingly done with his rant, Phil drops to sit on the sofa, looking up at Dan with an almost pleading look in his eyes.
Dan blinks. He certainly wasn’t expecting all that, but he supposed it was good that Phil brought it up, so he didn’t have to. Grabbing his switch from the bookcase where he kept it, he carefully took each end off so that he and Phil could play in multi-player mode, all the while carefully gathering his thoughts for the conversation they were about to have.
“I was upset after you dropped me off the other night,” he admits quietly, handing Phil a controller as he sits beside him on the sofa. “I was confused, mostly, I think, but I was definitely upset.” He sighs then, turning to share a small smile with Phil. “But, like all things, I had to get over it, right?”
Phil looks upset, with himself or Dan is unclear. He shakes his head slowly, his eyes never leaving Dan’s face as his fingers trail over the tiny controller in his hand. “No, you had a right to be upset, Dan. And… I hate to sound cliché, god, but you’re allowed to hold onto that, you know? Your anger wasn’t misplaced, and you’re allowed to hold onto that if you aren’t ready to get over it. I…” he trails off then, finally dropping his eyes to his lap. “I know that I messed up by treating you the way I did, but I swear I didn’t do it with the intentions of hurting you.”
Dan takes a moment to process this, swallowing a few times to try and get rid of the dry feeling in his mouth. It doesn’t work. Eventually, he finds a response. “I don’t want to be that person that holds onto things like that. You fucked up, but you know you did, and you’ve already apologized. I’m not… I’d like a fresh start, I guess.” He rolls his eyes as he says this, sending Phil a bemused smile. “Look at me, being the real cliché here.”
A small smile quirks at Phil’s lips, finally. “I think a fresh start would be good.” There’s a tremor of nervousness in his voice, as if he’s afraid Dan will suddenly want to change his mind.
“Yeah?” Dan asks, chewing his lips as he watches Phil push his glasses up the bridge of his nose.
Phil nods, taking the same hand through his hair, messing his quiff up. It looks good that way, though, so Dan doesn’t say a word. “I’d really like the chance to show you that I’m not a total dick, even though I definitely acted like it before.”
Dan grins at this, nudging Phil gently with his elbow as he finally turns to the TV. He felt the serious part of their conversation was over, and he was ready for some friendly competition. “I don’t mind dicks, believe it or not,” he teases lewdly, sending a smirk to the man beside him.
His lips pursed as if he’s holding a laugh in, Phil levels him with an unimpressed look. “At least take me to dinner before trying to get in my pants, Howell.”
The joke is funny, and Dan snorts, but something about the usage of his surname reminds him of something important. “I don’t know anything about you,” he says suddenly, completely disregarding what Phil’s just said.
Phil glances away from the screen, where Dan had been going through the motions of setting up the game, frowning at Dan. “Don’t you?” He asks, sounding confused.
Dan shakes his head adamantly. “I don’t even know your last name,” he informs Phil, his eyes scanning over the screen to pick a course. “What course is your favorite?”
“I’m good at the Electrodrome.” There’s a beat of silence then, before he speaks quietly. “Lester.”
Glancing over at him with his eyebrows drawn, Dan asks, “Pardon?”
Phil gestures to him with the hand not holding his little controller. “My last name. It’s Lester.”
A little surprised that’d he’d actually told him, Dan pauses. “Oh.” Then, “Thank you for telling me.”
Shrugging, Phil moves to lean back on the sofa. “My middle name is Michael. If you were wondering.” He’s got a small smile on his face, and Dan wonders if this is turning into twenty questions.
With a little smile, Dan selects the Electrodrome course on the game before speaking again. “Mine’s James.” He shifts so that he’s sitting with his legs criss-crossed, tugging a decorative pillow onto his lap for arm support. “I suppose you could just google anything you wanted to know about me,” he muses, almost as an afterthought.
“I couldn’t google what you look like when you’ve just woken up.” Phil’s voice is soft, and although the race has already started, Dan can’t help but look over at him, swallowing hard when he sees the hopeful, almost pleading look on Phil’s face.
Dan’s eyes shift back to the screen to focus on not losing, but his mind is swirling with what Phil’s just said. The implication was obvious, but he wasn’t positive how exactly he should interpret it. He goes with the obvious way. “I guess that’s something you’d have to find out for yourself,” he breathes, trying not to show how nervously excited the prospect of Phil spending the night, like actually spending the night, makes him.
“Could I? Find out for myself, that is?” Phil murmurs. Dan feels the sofa shift and he feels rather than sees the way that Phil has turned to be almost facing Dan, his knee pressing against Dan’s thigh gently.
Dan swallows, and nods, barely glancing over at the man beside him. Bright blue eyes meet his gaze, and he almost says fuck the game right then and there. “I’d like that.”
Phil smiles then, an adorable sight that has Dan’s character on screen running into a wall with how distracted he is. Shaking himself slightly, Dan shifts his gaze back to the screen. Phil chuckles softly, and Dan almost flushes at the fact that Phil knows how he’s affected him.
“Are you hungry?” Dan asks sometime later, once they’ve started a new race. He glances over at Phil and finds him concentrating on the screen intently. His gaze meets Dan’s when he realizes that the brunette’s stare is on him. “If you’re staying anyway, we can order pizza, or something. If you want?” Dan’s a little uncertain if Phil was serious about the earlier implication, but now he’s basically asked him for an answer.
“Pizza sounds great,” Phil smiles at him.
Dan nods, and they finish the round they’re on with banter and some light shoves. Dan wins, but Phil promises to redeem himself later. When they’re done, Dan tosses the remote onto the coffee table before standing to go search for his laptop. “Domino’s?” He asks.
Phil nods, excitement in his eyes. “The superior pizza place, honestly,” he comments as Dan moves over to his armchair where his MacBook is laying.
“Right? It’s the only food worth consuming.” He drops back onto the sofa and kicks his feet up onto the coffee table, opening the laptop and hoping that he’d closed any weird tabs he’d had open. Luckily there’s only a couple Wikipedia articles and a tab with a funny YouTube video pulled up. He quickly opens a new tab and finds Domino’s website, going to the build a pizza option. “What do you like on your pizza?”
Phil is looking at the options, and it’s not until Dan glances over that he realizes how close they are on the sofa. He wants to close the distance and press his lips to Phil’s, but he holds himself back. “I like their sizzler, but I’m really not picky. Just don’t like, add a bunch of extra cheese, and I’ll be fine.”
Dan raises an eyebrow. “What did cheese do to you?” He teases before clicking the options to build a half and half pizza with the option Phil had suggested, as well as what he normally got.
“I don’t like cheese.” Phil shrugs as if it’s no big deal, but Dan’s head whips around to stare at him in shock.
“You’re kidding,” he gasps. “On second thought, I don’t know if this is going to work out.”
Phil rolls his eyes and gently elbows Dan in the ribs. “Don’t be so dramatic,” he whines. “I just can’t eat cheese. It makes me sick.” He flushes as if he’s embarrassed to admit this, but the knowledge that he doesn’t hate cheese and cheese just hates him settles Dan’s attitude.
“Oh, well that’s different. You can’t eat cheese, but that doesn’t mean you don’t want to,” he says with a shrug. Phil opens his mouth as if he’s about to speak, but Dan is quick to bring a hand up to cover his mouth. “Nope. Don’t speak, you’ll ruin it.”
Phil’s eyes crinkle like he’s smiling, and Dan is so focused on how the different shades of blue swirl in his eyes that he jumps when he feels a little nip at the palm of his hand. When he pulls his hand away, Phil giggles, likely at his expression.
“Did you just- you bit me!” Dan accuses, staring at his hand as if he’s been infected.
“I did,” Phil agrees gleefully. He leans closer, dropping his head to press his mouth to Dan’s shoulder. Their eyes are locked when Phil gently nips at the skin covered by Dan’s t-shirt.
Something about the look in Phil’s eyes and seeing him mouthing at his shoulder like that makes Dan’s stomach swoop with arousal, and he can’t stop the shiver that wracks through his body. “You’re not…” He lets out a breath before glancing back at Phil, finding the other man looking up at him with a mischievous smile. “You’re not like a cannibal or something, right?”
Phil laughs then but shakes his head and leans away from Dan’s shoulder. “No. You do look good enough to eat though.” Dan feels his skin flush then, and Phil seems to misunderstand the reasoning for this. “I’m sorry, am I being too forward? I just- I don’t know, I’m not great at like flirting, but-“
Dan interrupts him then. “No, I promise you’re doing just fine. I just- ah, I’m not really used to that kind of attention unless it’s followed pretty directly by… well, you know,” he stammers, feeling embarrassed at admitting yet another fault in his and Ben’s… arrangement.
Instead of being bothered by this, Phil only smiles, shaking his head. “That’s a shame. If you’ll allow it, I fully plan on showering you with horrible attempts at flirting and compliments.”
With a snort, Dan finalizes their order and closes his laptop, setting it on the coffee table. He tries his best to act unaffected by Phil’s words, but he can feel his heart racing at the idea of being pampered like that. He’d gotten so comfortable with hiding any feelings he had for Ben, so this sounded like some kind of heaven to him. “I guess, if there’s no way to stop you, I’ll probably just have to deal with it,” he sighs, as if it’s the biggest inconvenience in the world. He remembers then that he wanted to go shower, so he stands to do just that.
Before he can make it past the coffee table, Phil sticks his feet up, trapping him in. “You know we have like fifteen minutes before the pizza gets here,” he says, his eyes holding a suggestion Dan really doesn’t want to turn down, but he knows that he needs a shower more than he needs to mess around with Phil. Besides, if he was actually staying the night, they’d have time for that, if they still wanted it.
“I know, but I need a shower, and you probably need some time to make sure you’re not making a mistake by staying.” He means it as a joke, but as he looks down at Phil, he realizes it might not be. He feels his heart clench at the idea that even after all this Phil might still leave, but he pushes that away.
Phil frowns at him and leans forward suddenly, dropping his feet in favor of reaching a hand up, tugging Dan down by his shirt. Dan barely has a moment to catch himself on Phil’s shoulder before their lips are meeting, his eyes slipping closed at the contact. Phil doesn’t linger long, but as soon as he lets go of Dan’s shirt, he leans back and levels him with a serious look. “I’ve had plenty of time, Dan.”
Swallowing hard, Dan tugs at his shirt and chews his bottom lip. “You’ll still be here when I come back?” He asks, just to make sure.
A pained look crosses Phil’s face, and he nods. “I swear. I’m not going anywhere.”
Dan nods, and he knows he’ll just have to trust him this time. “Okay. I’ll be right back, then.”
He can feel Phil’s gaze following him as he walks out of the lounge and makes his way to his bathroom. Although Phil had just promised he wouldn’t leave, Dan rushes to shower and wash his hair, finishing in less than ten minutes in his rush to make sure that Phil kept his promise. As soon as he’s finished, he throws a towel around his waist and makes his way to his bedroom to put on some pajamas.
After pulling on a stripey t-shirt and a pair of pants, Dan pauses, pondering the pros and cons of bothering with any actual pajama bottoms. If the evening was going where he thought it was, he wouldn’t really want the extra layer later, but if it wasn’t… well, it might be a bit awkward.
Rather than sit and dwell on it for too long, he trades his underwear for a pair that is slightly looser, as well as a baggier t-shirt with ugly cats on it. It could pass for everyday pajamas, he hoped. As an afterthought, he tugs out a second pair of pants and another t-shirt for Phil, just in case he really did plan to stay.
Once he’s finished and he’s certain he isn’t going to lose his nerve to wear what he has on, Dan makes his way back to the lounge.
And for the second time, his world feels like it’s crashing down, as he’s met with an empty lounge.
#phan#phanfiction#fake happy fic part two#swearing#drinking#light angst#i love a good plot twist ending huh
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getting the hell out of student loan debt
I lost my job at the tail end of 2014. I always remember, in vivid detail, spending the week after New Year’s at the airport waiting for a 7 AM flight. Happy 2015 to me! I didn’t have a job. I didn’t have an income. I was on my way to moving back in with my parents. Days prior, I had sold off most of my possessions and gave away the rest to a local Goodwill. And I was returning home saddled with student loans totaling then at $56k.
It felt like I had single-handedly destroyed my life. In retrospect, I think losing that job was the best thing that could have happened to me.
I was home, sheltered and surrounded by loved ones. I was able to mentally regroup again. In between submitting resumes and job applications, I started writing in the advertising space which later ballooned into a big column. Later that year, I went back to work again full-time.
I had more or less resigned myself in 2015 to the idea that my student loan debt would kind of be there forever. That changed in 2016, once I was working again and back on my feet. I started thinking critically about how I wanted to repay my loans. The minimum monthly payments, stretched across seven loans, totaled $653 a month. It was like a drop of water in a bucket. The account stagnated at $56k and didn’t move.
The only way out of this debt was to work, the hardest in my life, and to sacrifice everything. And I did it, to pay off $56k in under a year in full.
Let me share an important disclaimer now: I’m not rich. I believe money is a fluid object, I’m willing to work hard, and I love a good investment. Education is an example of a great investment. Since I first shared this story, I’ve noticed former colleagues examining my LinkedIn profile like hawks. I know it’s because of the dollar sign attached to an extremely tight timeline. I suppose it’s understandable. When you do a great thing, a successful thing, people want to know how you did it. But most don’t want to put in the work. They want the cheat codes.
The answer I made readily visible on social media the entire time! I was working. I worked nonstop. Working allowed me to create a series of nest eggs for myself. I lined them up in a row, knowing I needed each and every egg to go all in with my loan attack plan. I didn’t have much time, either. In mid-2016, I knew I wanted to stop making minimum payments and start full repayments in 2018.
I had two thoughts going in:
1) I was convinced I could repay everything under the 10-year loan timeframe.
2) I would later set a bet for myself, inspired by a conversation with a late friend in 2018, that I could do this, all of it, in under a year.
So, I had less than two years to prepare. Fun!
Rather than run through the laundry list of all the financial mistakes I made prior to hitting reset on my life (you name it, I did it), I’d like to share the best and worst things that happened to me during my repayment period.
BEST
I received an incredible bonus from my side hustle last year. It was for an event I worked myself brittle to the bone for months on top of my full-time job. I remembered being so nervous, thinking the event would be a bust. We sold out. It was a huge success. The bonus wasn’t something I asked for, just a thank you from my boss. I cried when I got it because it cleared one of my loans in full. It changed my life.
How quickly I shifted gears into thinking, believing, knowing I could do this. Once I got into the head space and knew what I had to do, I was ready to go all in.
The ever-present daily support, encouragement, and love from my friends and family. I don’t know how I would have done it without them. I really don’t. The core family unit was there for the good, bad, and ugly. My Mom encouraging me to pay off the largest loan first and my three brothers telling me not to give up. And the crazy pep talk my Dad gave me in late April that convinced me I could run up to my remaining loans like an unhinged, insane person and blow them up to smithereens.
He called me his champion after I was done. That made my year.
WORST
Deferring and defaulting on my loans when I didn’t have a job. (AKA the “all is lost” moment.)
Repaying the private loan of $26k. It was the biggest loan with the largest interest rate. My Mount Everest. You had to scale it bit by bit. I have likened the memory of it to chipping at a block of ice to create a sculpture. Every month, I threw a few grand at that loan while I tried to take out the little guys around it. It gradually decreased to around $12k and I paid it off in full then. This was not a fast process.
The massive wildfire I lived through during the bulk of repayments. That was like watching the “hold my beer” meme come to life. I joke about it now, but the Woolsey Fire was an absolute catastrophe. I had no way of knowing when I got into the thick of my loan repayments that I would be confronted with a natural disaster that came dangerously close to burning down my home. It was extremely scary to evacuate and watch your world hang in the balance for nearly a week. During the Woolsey Fire, I had no choice but to return to minimum repayments. I needed an emergency fund just in case — and this was the greatest emergency.
Doing it alone. Somewhere in the back of my mind I think I always knew I would be alone for this. I didn’t have cosigners. A white knight spouse was not going to save me. I had to do it for “her.” I had to rely on myself for everything, harder than anything I’ve ever done in my life. And even though I went in as prepared as I possibly could have, I did not get out of this without being mentally and physically impacted.
The sheer amount of discipline involved was far too intense. You had to be determined, disciplined, optimistic, and driven at all times. There wasn’t time to rest. I was frantically trying to kill an impossible enemy and keep up the pacing all the time. The physical toll on my health was bad. Very bad. I developed anxiety that impacted my gastrointestinal health and had to take medication to calm my stomach down. I think it will be some time yet before everything gets better internally.
The mental toll was perhaps worse. Everything about my day to day life was a series of dollar signs. I was perpetually at war in my mind where I fantasized about stopping to rest in the snow, but every bit of me screamed “DON’T DO IT GET UP!!!” Because, y’know, when you nap in the snow, you can die there.
I had all of these brain cells telling me to keep pushing ahead coupled with an insane range of emotions running through my head. The stress I was under was crippling. I cried during dinner with a friend last month. Straight up sobbing in public for over 30 minutes, unable to turn it off. It overpowered me.
I was so exhausted, on edge, and full of emotions. I couldn’t do anything about it — like get therapy or sign up for a yoga class — because that costs money. I wasn’t about to incur a credit card balance of any kind in my quest for financial freedom.
So yeah, it was a real mess upstairs. All alone... with my loans.
Would it ever end?
Paying My Loans Alone Might Have Been The Best Thing To Happen To Me
Yeah, you read that right.
I kept reminding myself about the why. Constantly. Asking myself little questions when the going was the roughest.
Why are you doing this? Because I don’t want to celebrate my 32nd birthday with a student loan statement.
Why are you doing this? Because I want my credit score to improve.
Why are you doing this? Because you can’t tell me I made the wrong decision to get an education.
Why are you doing this? Because I am in love with myself and will not let that girl get hurt.
Why are you doing this? Because I am losing my future to debt and I know it.
The more I kept doing this, asking questions and answering them, the more I realized that the answers contained really important granular details.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to grow old with student loans (although let’s be real — I didn’t). I was, and still am, changing on the inside. I knew it. This was an entire chapter of my life that needed to come to a close because keeping it going was preventing every other chapter from beginning. Sitting around with it was, essentially, my long death in the snow. On a less serious note, I’m fond of the pop culture tie-in. Game of Thrones is ending this month... and so did my loan payments.
I’d say it’s bittersweet, but it’s not. I’m not going to miss this part of my life. It’s time for the next chapter to start. If anything, I cannot wait for this part! This chapter will contain more journeys and adventures, unlike any other narrative I had before.
I want to write a book, something non-fiction that has multiple drafts on my desktop and has been a work in progress for years.
i want to get a ton of dental work. Priority number one.
I want to travel. I forgot how much I like to go to places! Italy and Monte Carlo, please. Miami for Ultra 2020. Travel will beget another kind of movement, too.
I plan to aggressively pursue true love to the extent I did with my loan repayments. In terms of personal goals, this one is going to be huge. After 10 years of dating, it’s time to get out of this single person clown car. I’m enlisting the help of my girlfriends, paying for eHarmony, and deleting the free dating apps for the real thing. Calling all soulmates — I’m debt free now and did it all on my own. That’s hot! (Serious inquiries only.)
Paying off my loan allowed me to return to my dreams. Now that I know what I’m capable of, I feel confident I can reach each one. I really do.
Living starts when you get the hell out of student debt. Do whatever it takes now, remember to keep asking yourself about the “why,” and do not give up until you’re running past the finish line.
Be your own champion!
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BTS : An Ode to those “Go too far shippers”
Note to self* : Things I'd like to say to BTS "go-too-far shippers" (the rest of you, you're doing absolutely nothing wrong and YOU WILL know reading me that you're not from that disgusting bunch, there will be no doubts, don't worry ! Innocent fantasy is harmless. THAT is not) :
Here's a list of what you have to be doing to be considered a "Go-too-far shipper" :
- FORGETTING that BTS members are REAL HUMAN PEOPLE BEING and not characters from a TV Show or a book or a fudging YAOI. Actually, I'm a hundred percent SURE that you're not new to that kind of fanatism. Let me make a wild guess here : Marvel Universe ? Sherlock ? Supernatural ? Shadowhunters ? Yeaaaaah you know who you are.
- Loosing your precious time editing super long videos to analyse and prove without-a-doubt-omg-you're-so-smart-and-insightful-you-must-be-an-INFJ that your ship is the realest of all ships. It's a freaking Zodiac Boat, it's sailing so fast ! You guys... are loosing sleep over some 1 second footage slowed to the infinite and beyond of member n°7's left eye twitching (but be careful, if you blink, you'll miss it !) when member n°5 looked in his general direction. That proves it right ! I'm telling you ! But... but what is that ? Another shipper used the EXACT same footage to prove that member n°5 is actually doing this to make member n°6 jealous ! Look look ! N°6's fingers moved... slightly when that happened.
You should actually try to watch yourselves on camera. You'd be shipping yourselves with your father.
Plus, this is so creepy guys, watching them for hours, trying to decypher their micro expressions, looking for a sign, omitting what you don't want to see because it's convenient. But you know what ? BTS members get itchy, think about the weather, are sensitive to noise, their crew facing them during interviews, making gestures to tell them "we're running out of time", they have food between their teeth, they get BORED because they don't understand what's being said during english interviews... a thousand stimuli that would justify their eyes twitching better than your theories ever could.
- Actually SENDING the links of your shipping videos, or even worse : pornographic fanart TO BTS via Twitter or else ! You know they are active on social media, your know they go to YouTube, Twitter, Instagram... Do you ever ask yourselves : "Did I go too far with this fanart of member n°6 and member n°7 doing anal ?" And then you put it ON THE FREAKING INTERNET !
Would you like it if someone draw you and one of your friend that you like ONLY as a friend because he is not your type (aka he is not a member of Bangtan) together doing graphic sexual stuff. These 7 men grew up together, are living together, are really close... Why on Earth would they want to see a drawing of themselves in a sexual situation with one of their bandmates. Why ? Think about it, try to have EMPATHY for once (you know, that thing you all think you have tons of), put yourself in their shoes, and tell me you wouldn't be bothered to come across such drawings of yourselves and... let's say your brother ? Your father ? Your sister ? Your best friend ? Your co-worker ? And on top of that, on your Twitter feed, for everyone to see. Wouldn't that be embarrassing ? No of course, BTS would be admiring the likeness, the finess of the details and the liveliness of the art. They are not human after all.
They're Idols !
- Linking EVERYTHING they do to your ship.
Do you think they are THAT single minded ?
That the only thing in their mind at all time is their "boyfriend/bandmate/that-guy-they-spend-their-lives-with-because-it's-their-job" ? Just to be clear... when you are in love (if you've ever been), do you stop LIVING when the object of your affection is not on your mind ? Is it always ? Do you forget your other hobbies ? Like, if all of you fall in love at the same time, will you stop editing those hour long creepy videos ? PLease, let me know, I know one or two dating app that would make tumblr and Youtube a better place !
BTS youngest member is 21 YEARS OLD. None of them is a prepubescent teenager with raging hormones, with no self control and with only making his "boyfriend" jealous as his goal for the day. Yikes ! Let's not forget they are Kpop idols, which mean they are hightly trained (conditioned ?) to control themselves, their emotions etc. to FOCUS on their job. And besides, do you really, trully believe they have nothing better to do during promotion ? Because, let's face it guys (and I know you'll not like this but brace yourselves) : BTS are ALWAYS doing promotion. They are never truly natural. I'm not saying they are not genuine, I love them as much as you do, and I'm respecting them as mu... wait. MORE than you do, because I'm not actively trying to shove a relationship in their faces while they are working their asses off all day long to offer me quality content, music, MV's, while also trying to live their lives.
Maybe that face twitching was sadness. But that doesn't mean it's because they fought with bae this morning.
- Making EVERYTHING sexual. That's it. This is the WOOOORST thing you do.
Exemple I : "Oh lord ! Member n°5 licked his lips. Totally obvious. He was thinking about member n°7, sending him signals. They are totally doing it tonight *insert the giggle of a pervert*
Exemple II : "Hhh ! Member n°2 gulped while looking at n°1. He is so thirsty today !"
Exemple III: " Wow ! N°5's hand is on n°3's shoulder. So erotic. He is actually so subtle, but they know eachother so well. N°3's in for it backstage !"
Exemple IV : "N°4 looked at n°6's lips ! I saw him ! It means he wants to kiss him ! I read it on an article titled "How to know if he's into you" from a... scientific magazine. About body language."
Exemple V : "His legs ACTUALLY twitched, he is such a hoe ! I'm sure he has a boner !" (Like guys, you think I'm exaggerating ? Think again.)
...AAAAaaand sceene.
Once again, try paying attention to every little move your body make during the day. Every time you lick your lips, every time you sigh. Every time your eyes land on a "so called" inappropriate place of your interlocutor's body (yeah ! I know you've been watching your history teacher's ass, you hoe ! Thirsty much ?).
Apply the same logic you do watching BTS members interact, and you'll be thrilled to know that you're sexually attracted to your dog. Congratulations !
- Calling them "hoes", "thirsty"... this is plain insulting. Why, just... why ? I have nothing more to say.
- Insulting and criticizing shippers that have a different OTP than you. Like, being verbally violent sometimes ... over a-freaking-fantasy of a couple that only exists in your sick mind ! LOOK AT YOURSELVES ! Look in a mirror !
You're the same ! All of you !
Why not put your microscopic differences aside, and celebrate what you have in common : CREEPINESS ! You are all so tolerent, accepting differences, bla blah blah... let's not break our own words and stick to your script, shall we ? Some other BTS fan is creepy, but not exactly creepy-like-you ? Let them be creepy their own way ! Your OTP is [57] ? Theirs is [58] ? Not a problem ! At the end of the day, it's all in your head ;)
- Talking about things you know nothing about, or very little. I've mentionned this earlier.
Are you Korean ? Do you have a Ph.D in Korean culture ? No ?
So please, stop talking about such things as "the use of honorifics", "skinship", "the way Korean think about same sex relationships", "compliments between males", "fan service"...
Like, seriously you hate on this heteronormative society that we live in, but you are interpreting every single thing BTS does the wame way you actively despise, ho-so-western of you : "They graze eachother's hands, they're gay ! Proof ! They call eachother handsome : Gay ! Physical affection : Gay ! Impressed by a muscular body ? Gay ! You trully are a product of this toxic society you despise. And btw, if member n°5 does a peace sign and tounge to someone (*cough* a fangirl in the audience *cough*) during a choreography, does that mean... that his boyfriend has in fact a vagina, and that he was doing it for him to excite him in secret code ? No ? Do I hear "fan service" ? I thiiiiiink soooo... But wait, does that mean... That in one way or the other, your simple logic doesn't apply to every situation ? (If you are interested to know, one of BTS members actually did what I've just depicted during a choreography on stage. One of my favorite fancams EVER.)
Anyway : You're not defending any minority behaving like that. You're just adding fuel to the fire. Am I insulting you yet ?
Do you have psychic abilities ? Are you Dr. Cal Lightman from Lie to Me ? No ? So please, stop making assumptions about one facial expression or the involuntary twitching of leg muscles.
Are you a pervert ? Are you dangerously-obsessive-but-lying-to-yourself-by-telling-you-this-is-romantic ? Are you living by proxy ? Are you so focused on the sex life of 7 men - that would find that extremely horrible if they knew you btw - you completely forget to live your own life and experience things ? Yes ? Oh.
Oops!
Let's recapitulate :
- Forgetting that they are real people, and not fictional characters but treating them as such, because hey ! They're famous, they must WANT the attention.
- Editing creepy videos, and actually believing you're raising awareness with your borderline psychic skills at decoding body language. Seriously, you're so sensitive, I'm amazed you're able to have friends, because you see everything : that is your curse.
- Thinking every single member of Bangtan is a single-minded teenage boy in love, incapable of controlling his impulses. Of course he'll waste his time during an interview to try and make his boyfriend jealous. How fun ! Making the person you love jealous. Haha. So intelligent and useful. Just like in that Tv Show you love. You know, the one with the toxic relationships and immature characters !
- Sending fanart to BTS. They're probably used to it, so why not taking your chances and trying to get their attention ! They might even like the picture of themselves giving a BJ to their bro. Aegyooooo !
- Making everything sexual. Not something unhealthy to do. Not at all. Again, so fun !
- Calling the artists you love cute names such as "hoe". Adorable.
- Discriminating shippers that aren't sharing your OTP. You're a pot. They're a kettle. But nobody's black, oh god no !
- Using Google to validate your theories, be it for body language or Korean culture. Everybody reacts the same way to the same things, true fact !
Anyway, that's all for today ! Please feel free to comment, and tell me how much you think I'm right, that you too have been aggravated by those "Go-too-far shippers". That you haven't been fast enough either to buy a ticket to the concert in your country, so you would love it if you could go on tumblr to find new pictures of Kim Namjoon, Kim Seokjin, Min Yoongi, Jung Hoseok, Park Jimin, Kim Taehyung and Jeon Jungkook because you love them all (ALL 7 of them, thank you) but without accidently reading a post about "n°6 and n°7 sitting in a tree. F-U-C-K-I-N-G". If you are tired, like me, please share this post and comment below ! Even I you know, just like I know, that it wll not whange annyhing. But Damn if it felt good writing it !
Thank you !
#bts#bangtan#bangtan boys#rm#suga#jin#jhope#jimin#v#jungkook#bts rm#bts suga#bts jin#bts jhope#bts jimin#bts v#bts jungkook#ship#my ship is sailing#kim namjoon#kim seokjin#kim taehyung#min yoongi#park jimin#jeon jungkook#jung hoseok#shipping#2seok#nammin#namjin
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some self-care/mental health tips for the upcoming school year
with school coming soon or already starting for some people i figured i’d share some of my tips for a healthier lifestyle. i know in the past i’ve struggled so much with being good to myself once school starts, both mentally, emotionally, and physically!
keep a clean room
i know how hard this is. i’m absolutely awful at it, even in the summer but it really makes the biggest difference. coming home to a mess when your life is already stressful and messy enough just makes things worse. i know when i have a clean space i’m way more productive and at peace with my situation.
take a break from social media
just doing this every once in awhile makes the hugest difference. social media is a wonderful world but it’s easy to get caught up in how everyone is doing things without you or having more fun or how someone’s prettier or whatever. it’s not worth it. i’ve learned that just deleting the apps for even a few hours can make my mental state 10x better. it’s important to realize that while people are out doing things all the time, you can never be as fun as all the 162 people you follow combined.
don’t be afraid to invite people out
one of the biggest things i struggle with is being social, simply because i overthink inviting people to do things with me too much and just wait to be invited by someone else instead. remember that even if someone says they can’t do something, it’s not the end of the world. at least you opened up a possibility!!! by being someone who invites others to do things, people will feel more appreciated and like you actually want to hang out with them! but also always save time for yourself as well!
create a self-care routine with motivation
by giving yourself some type of reward to wash your face, brush your teeth and shower, such as only watching your favorite tv show afterwards, it will feel a bit easier to accomplish the tasks that seem simple but can be terribly hard, especially if you suffer from depression. i’ve learned that combining things into one task also makes it easier, such as once you get in the shower, do everything. wash your face, brush your teeth, shave, all in the shower. it makes self-care so much easier.
get outside, stay out of bed
laying in bed is the best thing ever, i know, but it can be so easy to get in there and never get out. this is my biggest bad habit. i feel more productive even just sitting on the couch. my bed is like a black hole of lost motivation. go outside for twenty minutes a day if you can. sunlight makes things a little better and staying inside all day does nothing for you.
do one thing that scares you everyday, big or small.
i’m someone who has struggled with social anxiety for years now, but i’m slowly getting better because i’m making a conscious (and very terrifying effort) everyday. this won’t work for everyone, i know, but it’s helped me a little bit. i try to challenge myself everyday to do one thing that scares me, whether it’s asking someone to do something after school or agreeing to get coffee with a friend you’re not super close to yet, or even just making conversation with someone next to me in class. don’t push yourself too far but don’t make zero effort either.
cut the negative language/mindset
anytime you have a negative thought find a reverse positive. even saying “i’m not happy with how my hair looks but my ass looks great in these jeans” is better than saying “i look awful today”. stop the constant internal bullying! think of it this way, if your best friend said the things you say to yourself, how would you feel? you’re your own best friend, so cut the shit! compliment yourself like you do your best friend. complimenting myself and finding things i find beautiful on my own body even once a day has increased my confidence exponentially. a negative language towards yourself leads to a negative mindset.
find someone who motivates you
if you need motivation to work out, study, anything, find a buddy. having someone to do things with and hold you accountable makes a world of difference. this summer i got together with a friend and made a deal that we would work out 2-3 times a week. it worked so much better than if i had just made that goal for myself because she was always there to text me to ask to workout when we needed to but i lacked the desire. and i did the same for her. now we actually both got a job at a gym together this fall and are working out consistently because we have that mutual accountability with each other! plus just having someone you enjoy seeing makes doing the hard task more fun!
accept your individuality
you don’t need to look like society’s ideal of beautiful. there’s millions of types of flowers, and just because one kind is pretty to someone, does that make all the others ugly? no. there’s tons of species of dogs too and they all look totally different. is a poodle ugly just because a golden retriever is cute? NO. your individuality is you. everyone is beautiful in the very own unique way. don’t try to look like someone ellse. your beauty is not measured by how perfect your features are.
drink some fucking water
and eat some food too
understand that a bad week doesn’t mean a bad life
we’re all going to go through those weird ass time periods where it feels like everything sucks and nothing can go right. accept that although it’s pretty bad right now, it won’t be forever.
good luck with this school year everyone! hope my tips help even just one person. take care of yourselves, kiddos.
#studyblr#self love#self care#study motivation#school#studyspiration#studyspo#student#high school#friend
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Best Marketing Tactics Using TikTok
Source: influencermarketinghub.com
As a marketing professional, it's important to know what are some of the best strategies for marketers using TikTok? In this blog post, I will share some of my favorite tactics for marketers who want to use TikTok to promote their brand or product.
TikTok is the newest social media platform on the market and has been quickly gaining traction in recent months. With TikTok, users can create short videos that can be shared with their followers or friends. The app was released in September 2017 and has more than 150 million monthly active users as of December 2018.
TikTok has grown from a small app to one of the most popular mobile apps in less than 2 years. It's become the next big social media platform with users of all ages and demographics, who use it for everything from music to comedy. As marketers, you need to know how to take advantage of this new opportunity.
How your brand should be using hashtags on TikTok - What types of videos work best for tiktok - Tips for influencer marketing campaigns - How brands should make sure they're not violating any rules or regulations while engaging with their audience through tiktok.
Use Your Tiktok Account to Market Your Business.
You're probably wondering how to use your Tiktok account to market your business. Well, here is a list of things you can do!
Create an account and promote it on all social media.
Create a catchy profile picture that will get people interested in following you.
Post about the latest trends in technology or what's happening in the world today. Your followers may be interested in knowing these things because they are constantly using their phone to find out information anyways.
You could even post about funny videos you've watched or memes that have been going around recently so your followers feel like they know who you are as a person too.
It has over a billion users and that number continues to grow every day. If you're looking for an app that will let your business get in front of more people than ever before, TikTok is where it's at!
Create An Interesting and Engaging Story on Tiktok, Such as A Cooking Tutorial or Beauty Routine.
A social media app that connects you with other people to share videos and content. It's more than just an app, it's a lifestyle. You can create your own account, make friends, and find new things to watch or do.
It has been around for about 3 years now and there are plenty of ways to use this platform for marketing purposes. One way is through the use of video ads on TikTok- meaning you can advertise yourself or your product on TikTok by creating an engaging story using their platform!
Share Links to Other Social Media Accounts in The Description Box of Each Video You Post.
We're all about to get a lot busier, so we need to start sharing links to our other social media accounts in the description box of each video. That way, when we post a new video on TikTok and it's not your favorite account, you can follow that person too.
I mean, what else are you going to do with all of this extra time? Sit around and stare at walls? I don't think so. You've got better things to do than that.
When you post a video on TikTok, the description box is usually blank. This can make it difficult for people to find your content and follow you on other social media accounts. The good news is that there's an easy fix. You can add links to your social media accounts in the description box of each video by adding a line like this:
"Follow me for more videos @username"
or
"Find me at username."
So now, when someone watches one of your TikToks, they'll be able to see all of your other social media profiles right away!
Reach Out to Influencers with Large Followings on Tiktok for Collaborations.
Source: econsultancy.com
In the past, it was nearly impossible to reach out to influencers with large following on Tiktok for collaborations. But now that we can see their follower count and other data points, there are ways to get in touch with them.
It’s is a social media platform where users create short videos of themselves lip syncing or dancing along to different popular songs, many times being humorous and creative. Since its launch in 2016, TikTok has exploded globally as one of the most popular apps among teens today. With over 500 million downloads worldwide (as of September 2018), it's safe to say that this app has become a cultural phenomenon - even celebrities have been known to use the app.
Post Videos That Are Related to Your Business - Like A Makeup Tutorial If You're Running a Cosmetic Company.
The popularity of TikTok has been attributed to its ability to post short videos as well as the filters, which can be used for artistic effects. As a business owner, you might want to think about using these features on your own account in order to promote your brand.
Imagine you're scrolling on your phone and you see a video that's related to your business. You tap it, watch the first few seconds, but then suddenly the video stops playing.
What do you do? Tap again? Swipe up for more videos? Search for something else entirely?
Chances are, you just swipe right and move on with your life. How many times have we seen this happen before deciding it's not worth our time to keep going (or even worse, tapping one more time)?
It happens because video marketing is hard: from finding a good quality camera to editing footage into a consumable format in order to get viewers hooked -- there are so many steps involved in making an engaging video that will actually be watched.
I posted a video of myself talking about my business in detail, and then posted another video with me answering questions from followers. It's important for your posts to have personality, and these two options gave me a chance to show off some!
If you're looking for other ways to share videos with your followers, here are some ideas: try posting short clips of yourself or others in action; make tutorials; talk about new products or services; give reviews of local businesses
Engage With Followers by Liking Their Posts and Commenting Back on Them.
If you're looking to engage with your followers on TikTok, try liking and commenting back on their posts. It may seem like a small gesture, but it actually makes them feel special and appreciated as opposed to just scrolling through their feed.
If you want your tiktok account to grow like crazy, then you know what you have to do: Engage with others! Whether they're just new or old accounts, likes and comments go a long way towards getting your name out there.
Conclusion
What marketing strategies have you used on TikTok? Share your favorite tactics in the comments below! And, if you're looking for more ways to promote your brand or product through social media platforms like TikTok, don't forget to download our free guide. It has tons of great tips and tricks for marketers who want to use this platform as a way to drive sales. Let us know which strategy is your favorite so far!
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Not Enough Applications – Could It Be Because Of Your Recruitment Process Flow?
Have you had difficulties in hiring lately, it could be because of your recruitment process flow.
Recruiters find recruiting has become significantly harder during the last five years. We all know recruitment is a process, but what kind of process, let's look into it. To know whether the candidates are stuck in a poor recruitment process flow, the most important thing we need to ask first is:
Are you in a field of work, where there are more qualified people looking for a job than open vacancies, or more vacancies open than qualified people to hire to do the job?
The world of work has changed. Expertise is needed more and more in every job. Take changing car tyres, for example. Traditionally, you changed tyres quickly and easily yourself. Nowadays, you have to go to a service station to have them changed. This is because of the increasing use of information technology in cars.
Instead, changing tyres nowadays is a convenient way to carry out other maintenance, such as updating the car's computer and map software. This means that a garage no longer necessarily needs an extra pair of hands but a specialist, who can use computer software designed for cars and work with modern cars. This narrows the garage's chances of finding suitable workers to hire significantly.
For a recruiter this is The Key Question to understand: if you are in a field that the demands of expertise have increased and there are no longer more qualified people around than there are open vacancies around, the days of succeeding to hire qualified people in a traditional way are over. There are two choices: to discover this sooner and change one's way to recruit or to discover this later and see recruiting getting harder and harder with every hire. But what to do? We'll come to that. Let's just ask that Other Important Question.
The Next Important Question
The next important question one needs to ask is: in a dream situation, would you like to hire a person, who not only fits the job description but also supports the culture and the mentality and values of your working place?
Sadly the "dream situation" has to be added to complete this question, since the first priority, to get at least a few enough qualified applicants, is hard enough to fulfil. But this doesn't – and most importantly it shouldn't – be the case. On the contrary: hiring the right people is one of the key assets of successful business. This should be the top priority of every CEO, every strategy, every HR person. And very often it is, at least in theory.
The difficulty is that it is very hard to fix a situation, when one really can't put a finger on where the actual problem is. The good news is: there is a lot that can be done, and there are ways to find out what goes wrong.
The Recruitment Process Flow – Who Actually Swims in It?
If you want to get the best people to work for you, your recruitment process flow has to be made as fluent as possible from the applicant's point of view. Why? Because a expert who is skillful in a field where there are more jobs than experts around isn't likely to be looking for a job. If the expert isn't looking for a job she doesn't hang out in job portals searching for one. Why not? Because she already has a job. Therefore she also doesn't have her CV up-to-date and she wouldn't even look at an open job announcement – because they are not for her.
BUT: a person who isn't looking for a job doesn't mean she couldn't be interested, if the right job would come her way. And this is where the recruitment has to catch the candidate's attention and needs to get the recruitment process flowing to catch the attention and finally – to make the hire. The question remains, how?
Diving Into the Traditional Recruitment Process Flow
In traditional recruiting process flow one doesn't first of all talk about a flow at all. It is more like a path filled with obstacles trying to prevent the applicant from arriving to the recruiter.
Let's look at the traditional recruitment process flow more closely. There are many moments that fail to help the potential candidate to apply. And before we do that, let's take a short closer look at whom we are actually talking about: we are not talking about an applicant who is desperate to try to work with us. We are talking about an expert we are desperate to hire.
1. There is a job ad in a job portal.
2. The Expert needs an updated CV, an application and a letter addressed to the employer of why the applicant should be hired.
3. There is a long waiting before the Expert knows whether or not she is hired
#1 Our Expert would not be in the job portal, so one can forget about that. There would have to be an ad and it has to be elsewhere. So one pays a little (or quite a bit more) extra to make that ad to be seen in social media and as the number one on the list of similar jobs for some period of time in the portal's website.
"In the traditional recruitment the ad is advertising products from us and from our competitors"
Hold on, what was just being said: a listing of similar jobs? From the competitors? So the ad has brought the Expert we want to a pool of similar jobs not only from us but from many others. What if she doesn't click our ad at all? Or drifts to another ad after having checked ours? If this would be an industry selling products, our ad would be advertising our own products. In the traditional recruitment the ad is advertising products from us and from our competitors. We would never do that in normal life. Why do we do it then in recruitment?
Drifting to another ad is one thing, the other thing is that there are usually tons of other interesting content provided by the portal to be clicked at, so it is easy for the Expert to click on those as well, and what we have just managed to do is to create more value for the portal by bringing more clicks to them with our ad or worse even: we have paid for our competitor to get the Expert we want.
#2 Since our Expert isn't looking for a job, she will not apply. End of story.
...In order to even get us to #2 stage, we need to do quite a lot more. We need to make it possible for the Expert to want to know more, open conversation, make her want to apply. That would be a fluent recruitment process flow. How to do this? That's a problem one should definitely solve.
Some recruitment services offer to send an email to find out more. But that can be a loose gun in the employer's hands: if the interested experts include too much personal information in the email, the employer ends up having an illegal register against the GDPR and has soon a lot bigger problems to be concerned about than the recruitment.
In the traditional recruitment process flow we'll have to in other words make the assumption that despite the passive attitude towards job opportunities – and our competitors' ads of other interesting jobs and the other interesting content provided right beside our ad – the Expert clicks our ad and wants all the sudden to apply.
So she has to sign in. To do that she needs to download the app of the portal providing the recruitment service from the app store. She goes to the app store, downloads the app and is now in the app far away from the original job ad. That is no longer anywhere to be seen. She needs to find it again. Before doing so – IF she ever manages to find it again – she needs now to sign in to the app. This is a relevant moment to ask: would you be willing to give your personal contact details for an employer that you are not actually applying for?
And by the way, does this sound like a process flow so far to you?
In the traditional recruitment process we will now have to imagine we have come to the stage at which the Expert has seen all this trouble to apply for a work she was not looking for. She has successfully downloaded the app, signed in and found the original ad again. Now all she needs to do is to fill in a long application form, download an updated CV and write a letter to an unknown employer that convinces the employer – whom she doesn't need, know or necessarily even want but who needs her – to hire her.
Yet there is another problem to come: she has found the ad in social media. She has a phone in her hand, not a computer. How does she fill in the application form and update her CV (which she is lucky even to have on her phone) AND write a letter? The chances that anyone would go through that amount of trouble on a phone is close to zero.
#3 Imagine the traditional recruitment process flow has miraculously guided the Expert through the previous stages and she now has successfully sent an application. Now she waits for weeks for the closing of the application deadline and then for weeks to get into an interview. That having gone well – after all, she is the Expert we desperately want – it will take weeks for the employer to finally be in contact with the Expert.
Since we have now gone through the flow all the way together, which one of the following answers do you think the final outcome of the story would most likely be?
The Expert gets a phone call saying we would be happy to hire her.
An email saying sorry, because of tens of equally brilliant applications we got through the same recruitment process we finally decided to choose another brilliant Expert.
The Expert doesn't get any answers from anywhere because she didn't apply in the first place.
In search of the real main character
Let's take the same thing in a different way. Let's do it in a way we'll forget about the employer for a second – since if that hasn't gotten clear yet: the employer is not the main character of the recruitment process and the recruitment process flow story. The Expert is. So the recruitment and the recruitment process flow should be about her and her experience.
This Is How Things Should Go from The Expert's Point of View
The Expert sees an interesting ad for a job that interests her. She talks with the potential employer about the things that are important to her and they have a genuine conversation, where they can get to know each other a little better. The Expert has a chance to get to know the employer before she makes up her mind. If the work seems to interest the Expert for real and she considers the employer interesting enough, they can start discussing more about the details. If it seems likely the hire is going to happen the Expert now provides the necessary documents and after having agreed upon the contract details the employer can make the hire.
Sounds easy, right? Well, this is the moment where one usually says: sure it sounds easy, but wonderful stories are much easier said than done. Luckily this time it isn't the case. Why not? Since this is not actually a story. This is a candidate-driven recruitment process flow.
Original article posted at - https://blog.jobilla.com/en/not-enough-applications-could-it-be-because-of-your-recruitment-process-flow
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TL;DR Be Here Now
Envision with me a scenario:
Joe Blow American 20 something’s alarm goes off on his phone on a Tuesday morning. Rolls over and shuts it off. Notices a couple of garbage emails from job boards came through his Gmail, an “in case you missed it” Twitter notification, a couple of “so and so posted to their stories” Instagram notifications, and an “events around you” Facebook notification. Not to mention the several stories on Snapchat that have been posted from the night prior. Mr. Blow goes through and checks these notifications, scrolls through each application to make sure no relevant/funny/seemingly important pieces of information are missed before getting out of bed.
35 minutes has elapsed. “Fuck.”
Hits the shower, throws on a pair of slacks and a nice button down, and heads to work. Along the way, he listens to that new/hilarious/intriguing podcast everyone is talking about. He didn’t download the most recent episode and can’t on the drive because the service sucks on his commute in addition to the battery on his seemingly obsolete iPhone 7 Plus hardly makes it to noon anymore. So he’s stuck listening to an episode of a less popular podcast which won’t be talked about during and after work. Also, he makes sure to tune in to the sports radio station to see if anything pertinent has happened with one of the Big 4 pro sports teams or 5 local collegiate teams in the past 12 hours.
At work, Mr. Blow spends the morning getting coffee, checking emails that he was CC’d on which are of zero practical relevance to him, sending funny Snapchats to the group he’s in with his undergrad buddies, and now listening to that podcast he couldn’t earlier.
Lunch is spent with a burrito in one hand while the other hand scrolls through sports Twitter to see what’s been going on in the two hours since he last checked.
The afternoon drags a bit since he has a burrito baby, but he manages to send off a couple of relevant emails to his three bosses to ensure that they know he did some work today. Makes plans with a couple of friends from work who play in the same Fantasy Football/Baseball/Basketball League to hit the bar after work to check out the game.
Hits the bar for a few drinks and some laughs with the fellas. Splits a nacho appetizer with the people he’s with. Checks on the fantasy app to make sure his team his playing well. They aren’t so he yells “shit,” and proceeds to hold the screen up to his friends to show them how poorly the fictional team he owns is doing. Looks down at his shoes. They’re scuffed up. “How am I ever going to meet a woman if she knew I wore such shitty ass shoes?” The game ends and it’s about 10, so he heads home. Pops on Netflix to continue watching the newest/popular Netflix series everyone is talking about this week. Plugs in his phone, sets his alarm, passes out.
And scene.
While this description is along the lines of things I have seen and personally experienced, I am confident elements of what was shown here ring true in some of your lives, too. If pieces of this seemed to mirror aspects of your life, how did it make you feel to see them in words like this?
Now, there’s nothing wrong with our hero Mr. Blow, and there’s nothing wrong with a life like this. He’s not doing anything wrong. He’s not living immorally (whatever that really means) or purposely harming others. He’s just living in a world that was crafted for him, one that he likely had no part in consciously creating. We are trained to do and like the things that we’re “supposed” to do and like instead of the things we want to do or want to like. I have talked to many of my friends who are married who feel like having a kid is the next thing they are “supposed to do.” As if the game of Life became real like Jumanji and they are nearing the part where they either get a pink or blue peg person to ride along in the back seat.
BUT. Here’s the thing:
In our American society, we have become obsessed with appearing happy, healthy, and successful. Obsessed with status and appearance. Obsessed with likes and retweets. Obsessed with comments. And the great irony of it all is that for as “individualistic” of a culture we think we live in, we are all so worried about being perceived as unpopular or uncool or as a social media social pariah. We want to know that we are both materially successful and well-liked in both the literal and social media sense. And instead of being satisfied and content with the cool things that happen to us along the way, we suffer because we are worried if it aligns with what we’re supposed to be doing or with what we think people think that we ought to be doing.
AND THEN:
We scroll through our social media feeds, looking at how happy and successful and cool all of our friends seem. We see our friends getting wives, and dogs, and kids, and promotions, and doing crafty things, and posting these inspirational quotes. And we think, “that person has it together...why can’t I be cool and happy and successful like them? I don’t get nearly as many likes and comments as them...” In our quest to appear happy and at peace, we have become more depressed than ever. What a great tragedy that in a time when our quality of life has never been better thanks to advances in technology and medicine, that our health and happiness in so many ways has never been worse. And all along the way, we are completely missing out on the world and life happening around us because we are addicted to and obsessed with what’s happening on Instagram.
And I’m not writing this as some person who has transcended this way of thinking and behaving. Because I haven’t and I am still working. I’m simply shedding light on insights I’ve had which have helped alleviate suffering in my own life.
So what is the point of all of this? It’s to make us think about two things:
First, zoom back. Way way way back. We are floating through some infinitely large space on a infinitesimally small speck in some backwoods corner of a galaxy that we don’t completely understand, and we think if we don’t get married by the time we’ve hit 30 that we’re worthless failures. Or if people notice our cracked iPhone screens that we think they’ll think we’re clumsy and should have bought the insurance. So in this vastness, we suffer over the entirely inconsequential for no other reason than we think we should. Succinctly, so many things we give such high importance to absolutely could not matter less.
Second, and related to point one, on this time on this small speck in the backwoods of the Universe, we spend our days not here. We are in our past, mourning the Might Have Beens. Or, we are in our future, carefully analyzing and reanalyzing all of the Might Be’s. But life isn’t in the past nor is it in the future. It can only be lived now. We can’t change what happened. Nor can we deterministically model even the next 12 hours of our lives. So why spend our time in places where life is not? Life is only now. It’s not in our screens. It’s not in our expectations about people’s possible expectations of us. It’s not in what our parents want us to do. It’s not in what we think society wants us to be as a man or woman. It’s here. Now. That’s it. At the end of our days, we will not be sad we didn’t spend more time anxious about what people thought of us. We will wish we had more time to be present for the people and experiences we loved most.
I’ve been repeating this over and over lately and for those of you who follow me know that I have been saying it a lot, but all of these words distill down to this:
BE HERE NOW. Be present for your life right now. This is the way to liberation, and true, lasting, sustained peace, love, and happiness. It comes from presence. It’s the only way.
This isn’t a call for you to live any particular way, except that which brings you the most joy and spreads the most love. This is authenticity. And this is being present. For me, I have spent a lot of time being inauthentic because I thought that person would be more liked, more accepted. And it caused me to not be present, and consequently, I suffered great mental anguish completely unnecessarily. Again, I’m not some realized being, but I have found great peace in practicing and really emphasizing being here. Now.
It is a practice. And that’s the beauty and grace of such things. That we can practice without judgment. If we feel ourselves becoming anxious due to lack of presence, we can be cognizant of it, and even honor it for trying to help us. But return to presence. This inner work is the way. Not a ton of followers, not following your parents’ wishes for your career or spouse or whatever. It’s presence. That’s all that truly exists. Right. Now.
Namaste.
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