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inkskinned · 3 months

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crows use tools and like to slide down snowy hills. today we saw a goose with a hurt foot who was kept safe by his flock - before taking off, they waited for him to catch up. there are colors only butterflies see. reindeer are matriarchical. cows have best friends and 4 stomachs and like jazz music. i watched a video recently of an octopus making himself a door out of a coconut shell.

i am a little soft, okay. but sometimes i can't talk either. the world is like fractal light to me, and passes through my skin in tendrils. i feel certain small things like a catapult; i skirt around the big things and somehow arrive in crisis without ever realizing i'm in pain.

in 5th grade we read The Curious Incident of the Dog In The Night-time, which is about a young autistic boy. it is how they introduced us to empathy about neurotypes, which was well-timed: around 10 years old was when i started having my life fully ruined by symptoms. people started noticing.

i wonder if birds can tell if another bird is odd. like the phrase odd duck. i have to believe that all odd ducks are still very much loved by the other normal ducks. i have to believe that, or i will cry.

i remember my 5th grade teacher holding the curious incident up, dazzled by the language written by someone who is neurotypical. my teacher said: "sometimes i want to cut open their mind to know exactly how autistics are thinking. it's just so different! they must see the world so strangely!" later, at 22, in my education classes, we were taught to say a person with autism or a person on the spectrum or neurodivergent. i actually personally kind of like person-first language - it implies the other person is trying to protect me from myself. i know they had to teach themselves that pattern of speech, is all, and it shows they're at least trying. and i was a person first, even if i wasn't good at it.

plants learn information. they must encode data somehow, but where would they store it? when you cut open a sapling, you cannot find the how they think - if they "think" at all. they learn, but do not think. i want to paint that process - i think it would be mostly purple and blue.

the book was not about me, it was about a young boy. his life was patterned into a different set of categories. he did not cry about the tag on his shirt. i remember reading it and saying to myself: i am wrong, and broken, but it isn't in this way. something else is wrong with me instead. later, in that same person-first education class, my teacher would bring up the curious incident and mention that it is now widely panned as being inaccurate and stereotypical. she frowned and said we might not know how a person with autism thinks, but it is unlikely to be expressed in that way. this book was written with the best intentions by a special-ed teacher, but there's some debate as to if somebody who was on the spectrum would be even able to write something like this.

we might not understand it, but crows and ravens have developed their own language. this is also true of whales, dolphins, and many other species. i do not know how a crow thinks, but we do know they can problem solve. (is "thinking" equal to "problem solving"? or is "thinking" data processing? data management?) i do not know how my dog thinks, either, but we "talk" all the same - i know what he is asking for, even if he only asks once.

i am not a dolphin or reindeer or a dog in the nighttime, but i am an odd duck. in the ugly duckling, she grows up and comes home and is beautiful and finds her soulmate. all that ugliness she experienced lives in downy feathers inside of her, staining everything a muted grey. she is beautiful eventually, though, so she is loved. they do not want to cut her open to see how she thinks.

a while ago i got into an argument with a classmate about that weird sia music video about autism. my classmate said she thought it was good to raise awareness. i told her they should have just hired someone else to do it. she said it's not fair to an autistic person to expect them to be able to handle that kind of a thing.

today i saw a goose, and he was limping. i want to be loved like a flock loves a wounded creature: the phrase taken under a wing. which is to say i have always known i am not normal. desperate, mewling - i want to be loved beyond words.

loved beyond thinking.

#spilled ink #writeblr #personal #please don't ask me to talk on my experience on the spectrum lol. i hate how ppl talk to me about it #i really try not to write so specifically about it #bc inevitably someone talks to me like im a child #i think this is the first time i've ever openly identified with it but i've been hinting for years #i might delete this. feels big.#the thing is that being on the spectrum actually IS a spectrum #and if u say ur autistic #inevitably someone makes an assumption about ur needs/symptoms #please do not treat me differently than u usually would. like.... we can tell when you do #and like i mention. i do appreciate the effort. i do truly appreciate the effort.#but it still feels like...#when i was blind. sometimes people kind of did the same-ish thing.#they'd find out i was blind and start talking really loudly?#and while i KNOW they're just trying to help. it would be like. i'd be trying to find #the right way into a building (sometimes only 1 door is unlocked and i couldn't see the signs posted about where to go)#and ppl would be like ''OH UR BLIND? YES SO THIS IS A DOOR. IT OPENS INTO THE BUILDING. IT IS LOCKED NOW."#''A DOOR CAN BE FOUND IN MANY LOCATIONS.''#and it feels like. when i admit to being autistic #someone comes screeching into my life being like THIS IS A DOOR.

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amyintherapy · 1 month

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Trauma layers

Therapy is such a mindfuck sometimes. I 100% get it when people say they don't think therapy would help them because they are pretty self-aware or self-reflective. Cause, that seems so freaking logical. But, I swear, with the right therapist you'll find yourself routinely shocked at how blind you actually can be to your own bullshit. Our brains try SO hard to hide our bullshit from us, it's insane. I guess I shouldn't speak for everyone, but it's so true for traumatized brains, at least. I know that minimizing or outright hiding your issues from you is how the brain responds to trauma. But it's still eye opening to me when I catch on to new pieces of this in myself.

I went into my appointment today with several ideas of what to potentially talk about written down. I knew what had been on my mind the most, but I wasn't sure if it made sense to use the appointment to discuss it because I've discussed essentially the same thing with my therapist multiple times in the past. So a big part of me was like eh, that'd be a waste of time. I know everything there is to know about myself in this area. Probably spend more time on these other things as that'll probably be more productive/helpful. But I decided to at least mention it and see where it goes. I expected to jump topics pretty quickly as I didn't think we'd find new ground to cover. But we wound up spending 45ish minutes out of the hour on it. And it was productive. And yet, it's hard to really express why. It's not like there was some big new revelation. I largely went into it knowing what my trauma is, why I have this trigger, what my default response is, etc etc etc.

To spell out this piece of my trauma a bit...

I had an eggshell stepdad, and a constantly-overwhelmed semi-eggshell mom. My stepdad exploding was my mom's biggest trigger. And anger from either of them basically means anything could happen. Some of what I saw happen after anger, much of it starting off with really low level things like..someone shutting the door a little harder than normal (not really slamming it) or tossing their keys onto the counter a little too loudly. These kinda things were triggers to me as a kid because I knew they could mean an explosion was coming. Anyway, what I dealt with related to my eggshell caregivers' anger...

Emotional abuse between adults (very common)

Emotional abuse at kids (very common, my siblings who were externalizers caught more than I did, but I couldn't avoid it either)

Lower-level physical abuse of kids (semi-common but was my siblings, not me that I ever recall)

Domestic violence between adults (very rare, maybe 2-3 times ever)

Items being broken/physical aggression with household items (Rare-ish, maybe once a year?)

Recurring arguments or break-ups (extremely common. Fights rarely stayed as one event. They'd usually argue, try to wrap it up, and then explode again within a few hours, or perhaps even a few days later, but there was almost always a round two, at minimum. Core issues were never resolved, clusters of several related arguments over a week or two were common as well.)

Once I saw an adult hold a gun to their head after threatening suicide.

Once I saw an adult pull a gun on another adult (neither was part of my household).

Maybe 4-5 times over my childhood cops came to our house following arguments and/or violence.

My coping method was to try to be pleasing when the anger was lower-level. Keep things light if you can, but at minimum, don't do anything that might set anyone off. Once anger was bigger, just try not take up any space. Outright leaving (like going to my room) would sometimes get noticed in a negative way, so don't flee, but stay as far away as you can without actually leaving. Like...stay in the living room but sit silently on the couch, pretending you don't even notice the argument happening. Try to go unnoticed...blend into the decor. Stay out of the line of fire when the bombs are going off, basically. And when that failed and you're in the line of fire, fawn/people please to try to 'fix'.

What this looks like for me now, as an adult - is still to try to 'fix' other people's irritation, frustration, low level anger if I can find any way to. Or with 'big' anger, kinda freeze, or try to fawn/people please if it's directed at me. I can't feel safe if others are upset, so I try to absorb it so I can do something about it. And after someone around me shows anything adjacent to anger (like frustration) my brain likes to assume this is just 'round one' of anger, and round 2 will happen soon and will be bigger and scarier. So I'm very on-edge after 'detecting' any anger in my environment, even when it's really small. And my brain tries to pull my down a rabbit hole of finding potential things I've 'done wrong' that might be making this person secretly angry at me. Even when I logically know it has nothing to do with me. My brain wants to find a potential reason it could involve me. I'm pretty good about not letting it go down that rabbit hole very far, but it sure tries - and I have to spend energy holding it back from going there.

None of this is news to me, at all. I sort of forget when I've made certain realizations in therapy, but I think I've known all of this about myself for at least a year? So I wasn't sure there could be anything productive to come out of sharing how someone was frustrated around me this week and it triggered me...and how I knew I was triggered, and talked to myself about how my brain was reacting the way it did when I was a kid, but how my current situation is safe. How someone else's anger isn't a threat to me anymore. How I've created a life for myself that is safe, even when people get angry. I can have tough conversations with those closest to me. I don't get very close with anyone I can't do that with. So I consciously recognized all of this, but it didn't get rid of the anxiety. I stayed frozen in a moderately anxious place, hyper vigilant, unable to focus, and so drained from all of this emotional energy being spent on basically, nothing productive.

I expected my therapist to remind me that I'm trying to literally rewire the pathways in my brain, and I have 30ish years of my brain going down the "anger is very unsafe, I must regulate others' emotions and people-please." pathway. And that was said. As well as some usual points about how some of this equates to expecting myself to be able to mind read, and given that I am not a superhero or someone with magical powers, that expectation is cuckoo for cocoa puffs. I know this, but the reminder is good. But some new things were said too.

They asked if, after detecting someone else's frustration recently, I was able to put a loved one in my own place. We've talked a lot about how it's easier for me to empathize with myself if I imagine someone I care about in my shoes. Would I tell a friend that they should 'fix' someone elses frustration? That if someone sighs in their home that they should become hyper-critical and over-analyze anything they could have possibly done 'wrong'? Of course, the ridiculousness of this is apparent to me when imagine someone else in my shoes. But I admitted to them that I hadn't been able to remember to try using that trick to change perspectives until after I had settled some. That when I'm first triggered, I kinda seem to lose access to that more logical side of my brain that would allow me to try to remember specific suggestions or tools that had been suggested to me. They said it makes sense to forget when you're that emotional, so sometimes visual reminders are good. Like wearing a bracelet with a compassionate statement on it or something. Honestly, that feels cheesy to me, I don't really care for wearing anything that has text of any kind on it, to be honest and growing up with no positive feedback/praise has left me with a strong aversion to positivity like that..which is something else to work on but, one thing at a time. Anyway - I do like the idea of some sort of symbol in my environment serving as a reminder even if it has no text on it. Something that I'd take as a reminder perhaps, without anyone else needing to have a clue what it's about. So it was nice to get a little bit of a fresh idea on something additional to try. But bigger than that...they helped me realize that I have continued my pattern of self-abuse, and just disguised it as trying to help myself.

Meaning...I see myself being triggered, I see myself starting to fall into old patterns of trauma responses to try to cope, and I know that reaction is maladaptive at this point in my life. So I try to stop myself from repeating that old pattern of trauma responses...and on occasion I can stop it in its tracks. But not often with this anger related trigger, it's a real powerful one for me. And when I'm not successful and I find myself becoming hypervigilent and self critical due to someone elses anger..I beat myself up about it! I beat myself up for beating myself up...because I'm 'supposed to' be working on being more compassionate. And that's still part of this cycle, it's just another layer of it. I beat myself up because keeping myself in a position of guilt/shame keeps me small so I can stay in this position of feeling like I am wrong and they are right and I am guilty and need to fix.

It's bonkers that even in my attempts to heal, my old self-harming mindset comes out disguised as a cure for.

In other words..

My logical brain "I need to stop beating myself up. That is a trauma pattern that used to serve me as a kid, but is just harmful to me now."

My trauma brain: "Right! We're hurting ourselves and that's dumb! Let's beat ourselves up about that! That's the solution!"

Fuck.

#ptsd #cptsd #trauma #ogres are like onions #onions have layers #trauma onions?#want to watch Shrek now #attachment trauma #childhood emotional neglect #childhood emotional abuse #emotional abuse #fear of anger #fawning #people pleasing #developmental trauma #internalizing #internalizers

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sweaterkittensahoy · 1 year

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Got reminded of when I worked at the comic shop way back when, so here's a story:

I was the only female employee at the shop. It wasn't on purpose given where I lived at the time and the time I was there, but it was, in general, considered an anomaly. There were people who were a bit shocked (or worse) to see a femme* behind the counter.

A few different stories that I recall with fondness:

The ladies who read comics including Tarot: Witch of the Black Rose and Witchblade and were CERTAIN I'd love them, too because they DID love them but had no female comic fans to talk to about them, so they'd recommend them with a deep intensity that I have never forgotten. I had zero interest. Mostly naked "empowered" female protags have never been my bag, but I always replied with something along the line of "I read a few issues, but not my bag. But I've talked to several women who love it," and that always made them happy. And the truth was, I HAD talked to several female regulars who loved it. I just didn't. (Although, shout-out to Tarot: WotBR for writing the greatest line of dialogue ever: "You have to get out of here! Your vagina is haunted!!")

The car salesman (hand to god) who LOVED Tony Stark and even had the special-cut goatee to prove it. Let me tell you, that fucker pulled it off like a champ. He also had his suits tailored and was just a very sweet, funny guy. Like, in the midst of the Civil War comics event, he and I had a sincere conversation about signing the accords (he was on Tony's side) versus not signing (I was on Cap's side), and in the end, we agreed that Mark Millar was not a great writer and that the event as a whole was a mess, but The Bendis one-shot where Tony talks to Steve's corpse is a fucking heartbreaker. He also picked up a couple of comics I recommended that he said, "I'm not sure it's my thing, but I like you," and they got added to his pull list the moment he finished the trades.

Every single woman who came in with a well-meaning boyfriend who loudly announced to me, "SHE AGREED TO TRY COMICS!"

Me: Cool. What are we starting with?

Guy: A MAJOR EVENT THAT ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT STAND UP ON ITS OWN WITHOUT READING A YEARS WORTH OF THREE DIFFERENT BOOKS.

Me: Oh, absolutely fucking not. Go to the back of the shop while I talk with her.

Guy: "...What? But she--"

Me: "Name me everything you need to read to understand EVENT."

Guy: HERE IS THE LIST.

Me: BACK OF THE SHOP.

He'd go to the back of the shop. I'd approach the friend/girlfriend/wife. "Hey, I'm Gayle. I'm sure he said it was an event you could pick up and understand, but he's blinded by his love for it. Tell me, what do you usually read? Sci-fi? Fantasy? Got a superhero you like from cartoons?"

She'd respond with details, and I'd narrow it down. "Oh, okay, so you're up for a group book and find the overall idea of the Green Lanterns interesting. This is "Recharge." It's the restart of the Green Lantern Corps as a whole. Very easy to jump in on, and if you have questions, you can ask that guy you know or check wikipedia."

"Oh, okay, you like fantasy and fairy tales. "Fables" is really popular for that. It's all the public domain fairy tales hiding in modern-day New York."

"Standalone stories you can just read as they are? Here's the original graphic novel section. They're all one and done. Or maybe two and done. The point is, they're very contained stories."

*I was using female pronouns and identifying as a woman at the time and as femme as I am now as an enby (femby)

#comics #i miss that job sometimes #but also i don't have to talk to assholes #and unfortunately we had our share

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kaaytea · 3 years

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Kuroo Tetsurou x reader

Summary: You've been avoiding him all week, and now he's starting to question what exactly you're doing when you pull Yaku into rooms with you.

Warnings: angst, cheating?, Lil fluff at the end as a treat

A/n: ITS KUROOS BIRTHDAY!!!! Kuroo is the captain of my favorite team and was one of my first favorite characters! I hope I did him justice with this lil fic also I apologize for the angst 😔

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Why were you avoiding him?! And on his birthday never the less!!

The whole day whenever you spotted him you'd skitter off without a second look behind you.

It was kind of annoying actually.

You hadn't said a word to him today besides your good morning text. For the first time in a long time, Kuroo was feeling kinda lonely. The past few weeks you had been slowly spending less and less time with him; this week had been the worse so far, he's only talked to you face to face about three times.

Kuroo stepped into the classroom, eyes scanning the groups of faces for you. Maybe you'd want to talk a bit before you had to go to your class like usual? He spotted you by the front of the room pointing at paper that was spread out on Kai's desk, Yaku and Kai listening intently to what you were saying.

Unfortunately, Kai noticed him walking over to the small group and nudged your arm. You looked up from the paper and froze when your eyes met with his. In a split second, you hurriedly snatched the paper from the desk shoving it into your bag then grabbed Yaku's hand and dragged him out of the classroom.

Kuroo sighed inwardly.

You sure had been spending a lot of time with Yaku these past few weeks; you seemed to almost always be around him, grabbing onto his hand, pulling him into different rooms...Whispering to him....in the halls......

Wait a minute

You couldn't actually be...

The two of you weren't.....You'd never.....Yaku wouldn't... Right?

Then why was there this awful feeling twisting in his chest, a feeling that only got heavier as he thought back on how weird you had been acting the past few weeks, like you were hiding something from him.

Kuroo felt like he was gonna throw up. Has he really been that blind? Were you actually cheating on him right under his nose, and with one of his teammates?

He sat down at his desk completely ignoring Kai's gentle greetings.

He felt numb. He also felt completely and utterly stupid.

Did Kai know? He was the one to tip you off that he was in the room. Now that he thought about it Fukunaga did something similar earlier in the week.

Did everyone know but him?

The rest of the day went by slowly. It felt like he was trapped in a pool of molasses, slowly and painfully trudging through, only to be pulled back in by his sticky thoughts and doubts.

By the time practice came around he was exhausted, emotionally and physically.

He was so out of it, he almost didn't hear Coach Nekomata wish him happy birthday with a cheery smile and a soft pat on the back.

"You're acting weird"

Kuroo glanced up at Kenma from his spot on the bench.

"What do you mean by that?"

Kenma sighed and shuffled over to sit next to him, "You keep spacing out," he mumbled softly, "you're playing stiffly and you've been avoiding Yaku like the plague."

He really can't fool Kenma, huh? I guess growing up together played a part in that.

Kuroo sighed, he unconsciously started to ring the towel in his hands. He didn't want to admit it out loud, his body started to burn from the build-up of thoughts and emotions throughout the day.

"I think (y/n)'s cheating on me," Kuroo's stomach twisted sickly at saying that sentence out loud.

"Why's that?"

"They've been avoiding me all week, they've also started being very friendly with Yaku."

Kenma almost burst out laughing at the absurdity of the situation, quickly masking it with a cough.

"I don't think they'd ever cheat on you, they probably have an explanation for their behavior," Kenma said, he silently pulled out his Switch already booting up a game.

Kuroo frowned at the gym floor. He hated feeling like this.... He felt lost and hurt, a dull ache pierced his heart when his thoughts drifted to you.

Just as he was about to go help clean up the gym, Nekomata called out to him.

"Go deliver these papers to the principal for me, the directors wanted a copy of the tournament schedule."

Kuroo only nodded and made his way out of the building, at least he got out of cleaning up the gym today.

When he arrived back at the gym all of the lights were off.

That's odd....usually, there are a few people who hang back and work on solo drills.

He stepped into the dark building, searching blindly for the light switch. At this point by he just wanted to go home and sleep, it hadn't been that great of a birthday anyway.

He flipped on the lights only to be startled by the sound of a confetti popper.

Kuroo turned around, the entire team was stood in the middle of the gym with you in the front holding a cake with a bright smile.

What?

"Happy birthday Tetsurou!!"

You handed the cake to Kai, who went off with Fukunaga to cut it, and launched yourself at him trapping him in a tight hug.

"Surprised?"

He looked down at you, his brain was still catching up with the fact that you were actually interacting with him, "...yes?"

"Ah! I’m so glad I don't have to keep a secret anymore! That was so long!" Lev shrieked.

You turned to Lev with a baffled look, "What do you mean long! I literally just told you what we were doing yesterday."

You started bantering with Lev but your conversation blurred out as something clicked in Kuroo's brain.

Yesterday?

"How long have you been planning this?"

You turned away from Lev and looked up at him, "A few weeks, Kai and Yaku helped a bunch though!"

Oh.....well that explains a lot.

Kuroo let out a sigh of relief and pulled you into his chest, you looked at him with a worried expression, "Are you ok Tetsu?"

He chuckled slightly. Could he consider himself ok if he spent the entire day thinking you had been cheating on him only to find out you were just planning a surprise party?

He got his answer as he looked into your eyes, they sparkled with love whenever you were near him and the genuine concern on your face made his heart clench.

"I'm great, (y/n)" he smiled at you then proceeded to press kisses all over your face causing you to giggle at his actions.

There was a gagging noise heard behind you causing the both of you to look in the direction of the sound.

The gagging came from Yaku with a slightly disgusted Kenma standing next to him, their faces scrunched up at your display of affection.

"We get it you're both sickeningly cute but please for our sake save the sappy stuff for later"

"You think I'm cute Yakkun?"

"Don't push your luck!"

<< ---------------------------------------------------- >>

Kuroo enjoyed the small party with the team but he was even happier now that he got to spend alone time with you. The second the both of you got back to his house he was pulling you to his room so he could cuddle you to death. After the absolute rollercoaster of emotions he went through today he needs to just hold you close to further convince himself that you wouldn't ever leave.

"Tetsurou?" you piped up from your position lying against his chest, your hand continued to twist and twirl locks of his messy hair.

"Hmm?"

"Are you sure you're ok? Nothing happened today right?"

He didn't have the heart to lie to you, so he came clean. He told you about this morning where he made the silly assumption that you were cheating on him and how your behavior fit in with everything.

"Oh Tetsu, I'm so sorry! I didn't even realize what everything could have looked like from your perspective," you pulled yourself closer to him, tucking your face into his chest, "I'd never cheat on you, ok? And I don't plan on leaving you any time soon.... you're too important to me."

What you said was barely above a whisper but those words rang loudly in Kuroo's heart.

His eyes burned slightly with unshed tears as he pressed his face to the top of your head.

"I wouldn't dream of leaving you either, (y/n)."

#Kuroo Tetsurō #kuroo testuro #kuroo x reader #kuroo tetsuro x reader #kuroo tetsuro scenarios #kuroo imagine #kuroo tetsuro fanfiction #kuroo tetsuro oneshot #kuroo oneshot #haikyuu!!#haikyū!!#haikyuu #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu oneshot #haikyuu fanfiction

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bonesthebeloved · 4 years

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Everything Stays

Based on this beautiful comic by @chronophobica

Triggers/squicks: brief mention of unsympathetic light sides, crying.

Relationships: brotherly Remus and Roman, familiar Deceit and Romulus

Remus has been questing through the imagination out of pure boredom.

After Deceit had gone to the surface to 'spice things up' he'd been bored out of his mind. The promise that he'd be allowed outside soon enough not nearly enough to satisfy his need for a distraction.

So he'd packed himself some food and water, said goodbye to orange and off he went.

Now the plan had been to find some sort of creature or beast and befriend them, maybe wreck some havock while they were at it, but when he found an oddly familiar yet completely forgotten garden he'd decided that a little side quest couldn't hurt.

The garden was big and he knew his way around as if it were his own despite not remembering ever coming here. The feeling that he was missing something pulling him in further. His original plan completely forgotten as he walked through rosegardens and past ponds with beautiful swans and koifish. Cackling in delight as he saw a few bat's sleeping in one of the darker trees and spiders making their webs between the branches.

Roman would love this! Well, part of it anyways.

When Remus approached the middle of the garden, quietly humming and swaying along with the songs stuck in his head, he stilled. Looking closely at the fountain infront of him.

On the very top of it sat an axe.

A very familiar axe.

"Shit. Is that-?"

It was.

Creativities axe, the King's weapon, sat on top of the fountain, glinting faintly in the sun seeming to almost mock him as he simply stared at it.

They'd been trying to find it for ages. He and his brother looking all over the imagination and not a trace. Yet here it was. Out in the open in a huge garden in broad daylight.

He walked forward on autopilot, reaching for the weapon without a second thought. It felt strange, feeling it under his fingers again after such a long time. The thing seeming to almost vibrate (heh) with power as he wrapped his hand around it.

Huh. He remembered it being bigger.

He studied the light pink axe in his hands closely as a flash suddenly blinded him and there he was, a much bigger and much heavier axe stuck partly into the ground and Remus trying to desperately lift it.

He tried and he tried. He tried until he was all sweaty before remembering that he could just will his body to not sweat. He tried until the sun sunk below the horizon and he willed it back to midday with a wave of his hand. He tried until his muscles were sore and his other quest was long forgotten, the only thing on his mind getting that axe off the ground.

And when he finally stopped trying he sunk out and into his own room, not even bothering to change his dirtied clothing or wash his greasy hair before he dashed over to his brothers room.

"Remus!" came his brother's surprised shout as he kicked the door in with such enthusiasm that it hit the wall beside it. Creating a small dent his brother would wish away in no-time.

Roman was sitting at his desk, crumbled up paper and scrapped ideas everywhere around him. Looking tired in every sense of the word as Remus faintly remembered Deceit telling him something about a callback and their hopes and dreams being destroyed.

He wouldn't know either way. His connection to Thomas wasn't nearly strong enough to pick up on such subtle things.

His bond with Roman was however. And he frowned slightly as he felt the wave of stress and mental drainage wash over him before he wove it away. Focusing on the task at hand.

He'd try and talk about it later. They had more important things to discuss.

Like how Roman was going to have to help him lift a giant battle axe out from the dirt. They could deal with his brothers emotional issues later.

"So... Why exactly are you dragging me out of my room and into the middle of nowhere?"

They had been walking for half an hour now and Remus had been surprised when his brother hadn't spoken or complained much the first thirty minutes.

They had almost reached the garden. Remus could nearly see the first trees peeking out from over the horizon as they wandered onwards.

"I found the axe."

It was almost laughable. How fast and strong the reaction was his brother gave. "You WHAT? And you didn't tell me before? Remus this is fantastic news! Why didn't you bring it?"

"Too heavy. That's why I dragged you with me brother mine! Maybe you can help me lift it!"

Roman frowned at that. Looking sceptical as he looked his brother up and down. "Why not ask Decei-" "Busy. By the way, he'd start crying as soon as I mention the King." Roman nodded at that and stayed quiet for a moment. "Can't really ask the others. They wouldn't agree with you being there," he said, thinking out loud as they entered the garden.

He fell quiet after that, looking around in wonder and slight recognition. Remus could tell he was having the same experience as he had when first discovering it. "Familiar yet completely new huh?" "I- yeah... Yeah you're right."

It was then that Remus decided to take his brothers hand. Comfort was a thing he was still getting the hang of, but Deceit had been teaching him recently and he knew how to calm others down.

With Roman that ment physical contact and reassurance.

When Roman squeezed his brothers hand and gave the tiniest smile in response Remus knew it had been the right decision. And so they continued onwards with Remus leading the way knowing full well Roman knew the path they had to take aswell, walking through the garden in silence, hands skimming the hedges and statues covered in moss.

When they finally arrived at the center again their hands fell from eachother grasp. Remus eager to try to lift the axe again, Roman standing incredibly still. Staring at the weapon with a faint memory playing just behind his eyes were Remus couldn't see.

"Roro?" the nickname fell off his lips so easily the meaning of it almost slipped past him.

But he noticed how Roman looked up at him. Hopeful and fragile and so much like he had when they separated for good. He noticed how his fingers were twitching to reach out and hug his brother. To make sure this wasn't a dream.

And he noticed how all of the cut strings between the two of them began to slowly reconnect. A spark of hope growing into a little flame burning bright within him. The light at the end of the seemingly endless tunnel suddenly a little closer.

And the axe. Calling out for them to lift it. To hold it in their hands again and feel its power.

"Come on then Ree. Let's show this thing who's boss."

And four hands grabbed the handle, the two of them looking at eachother in silent conversation.

And Remus knew then that they would be alright. That this falling apart would be fixed again. That they had a chance to be brothers.

And two hands lifted the axe high above his head.

The King laughing loudly and open heartedly as he swung it around a few times. The thing light as a feather now that he held it in his hands.

And he danced around, twirling and jumping through the garden and enjoying the feeling of being himself again.

After a while he calmed down enough to form a coherend thought and closed his eyes. Focusing on the two halves and how they were reacting.

"How did this happen?"

"I have to talk to Deceit! He'll be over the moon to see us again!"

"The others will hate us again."

"We're finally together!"

"Why did they hate us?"

"Dee? Honey are you here?"

Romulus called out into the darkened livings pace of the serpent side. The axe leaning against the wall glowing faintly. Ponytail tied into a messy bun to prevent it from slapping them in the face when he ran to this location.

The inside of the room gasped loudly and then remained quiet for a full minute before Deceit emerged from the shadows looking small and frightened and oh so fragile.

"Hello buttercup." He called out again. Watching as another part of the snake's defences shattered and he started to shake. Slowly walking towards him.

"I missed you." he said, and that was it. Deceit ran the last bit of distance between them, crashing into the other and hugging him tightly while burying his head into his chest, hat flying off.

Romulus simply wrapped his arms around the lying trait and held him. Shushing and cooing. Telling him that it was alright and that he was here over and over again until the sobbing lessened to a manageable amount.

They didn't speak a word after that. Romulus didn't explain and Deceit didn't seem to want an explanation. He simply led the King inside and summoned a large pile of pillows. Plopping down and looking at the other until he did the same and movie night could start.

Deceit would want answers eventually. Hell, even the two parts of him wanted to know how this had happened. But for now, they all needed some comfort. And watching movies while cuddled close, creativity feeling whole again for the first time in years and Deceit feeling like the part of him that had been missing had finally clicked into place again was the right thing to do right now.

And as Aladin started playing and Dee put his head on the King's shoulder, loosely braiding a few strands of his long hair together, they all felt at peace for the first time in what felt like forever.

And they weren't quite the same as they had been. Their hair had grown and their personality had changed. Their balance lost and connection only now reforming. And maybe there were more insecurities and uncertainties now then there had been.

And the axe was glowing gently where it stood leaned against the closet. And while it may have earned a few scratches over the years, it still remained the same.

Just changed ever so slightly.

That ending went off the rails but I just wanted Romulus to hug Deceit so I made them. Sue me (please don't I'm sensitive)

Taglist: @purp-man @crazycookie13o @deceitifullies101 @sapphire-knight @ragingdumpsterfiremess @chronophobica @lance-alt @mylifeisadeceit

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