Adult Byler Teacher Headcanons

They both teach at the same school, maybe even same district.

Will teaches art, namely Drawing & Painting I & II, as well as AP Art & Honors Drawing for Production & Design. (He also was dragged into making props for the school musical, and started/runs the school’s GSA. Mans is SWAMPED)

Mike teaches AP Language & Comp, Creative Writing, Honors English 9, and English 11. He also runs the school’s Literary Magazine, Newspaper, and Yearbook clubs. (Mans is similarly swamped)

(They’re both considering starting up an AV club & a D&D club, but where they’ll find the money or the time, they got no clue)

Will was the reason Mike first explored teaching. Mike had taken his dad’s advice & become a business major, because it can be applied to lots of jobs & is a good way to get a job quick, but… yeah, he fucking hated it.

He ended up taking one of the education courses Will was taking, trying to fulfill some credits & figuring having a class with Will would make it bearable… and then he fell headfirst into teaching

They were hired at the same time. They student taught together, too. A wave of retirees meant most of their colleagues were new blood, like them, and… well, there was A Lot of relationship drama among the staff. It was like a freakin’ soap opera. (Did my high school have a lot of interpersonal staff relationship drama? Yes, why do you ask?)

Will & Mike came out when they got married, because Will wanted to change his last name. By this point, Will was already running the school’s GSA. They hadn’t been very public about their relationship, having been there for The Sanders Affair Of 2006 (and the subsequent divorces, marriages, and affairs that came from said affair) & making the mutual decision to keep their personal lives private… but as their district became less conservative, they hadn’t exactly hidden it, either.

Their friends on the staff all know, & some are close enough friends to get invites

Will had gone by “Mr. William” for the vast majority of his career, so it wasn’t a huge shift for his students or anything.

Mike’s nickname is just “Wheeler,” a similar sign of affection—at least, to his face.

(His students call him “Hot Wheels” behind his back)

(Will is well aware of this, & endlessly amused)

Will’s hair has gone entirely grey. (Lonnie’s genetics, rip). Post-covid, he uses blue light glasses… unlike mike, who needs glasses full-time. (Will teases him about this quite frequently)

Mike finishes growing his hair out, but ditched the bangs. He’s one of those teachers who always has his hair in a severe ponytail (he likes manbuns, too, but you wont often see him with one bc We’re At Work, Will, I Must Be Professional)

They Do Not Talk About The Mullet Era

Or The Bowl Cut For The Entirety Of The Childhoods

They have matching rings, customized replicas of the One Ring bc they’re both geeks. They’re engraved to say “crazy together” in elvish. Technically these were their engagement rings… and also the rings they used when they got a domestic partnership, and also the rings they used in their wedding ceremony. For a long time, they wore them like necklaces tucked under their shirts (bc the Mike in the Math department & Sydney from Social Studies are MASSIVE gossips, and also bc LoTR is iconic & these two are cheesey af),

They started wearing them openly when Will changed his last name, though.

Will & Mike are the teachers who let students eat lunch in their classrooms. The ones who invite them in during free periods. The ones who hear about the shitty chem teacher, the asshole ex, the awful divorce, the toxic friend group, the impending move. They’re the ones who collect & display dozens of senior photos, whose hands cramp from writing yearbook messages, and the ones whose students will remember years later. They’re the ones who keep in touch—they get wedding invites and scattered letters and life updates.

Because they’re the ones who remember what it’s like to be 14, 15, and feeling like the world was about to end. They remember the bullies. They remember the isolation. They remember how awful it feels to grow apart from the people you used to hold dear, and how much they hated high school.

It’s why they love being teachers, exhausting as it is. They’re the adults they didn’t get in high school, despite their parents’ best efforts—they get to be the support they desperately needed. They get to watch their kids grow, and its so, so satisfying to know they’re giving the kids better than what they had.

But most importantly? They’re happy.

What is a Scapegoat? (toxic family roles)

...Because the last one was well-received so ¡let’s make a series & talk about every role! 🤷‍♂️

Why am I qualified to talk about this?: We researched the heck out of it because we became the scapegoat as soon as we stopped trying to please our family 24/7.

The basics: In toxic families, kids are forced to adhere to certain roles to keep the peace &/or keep themselves safe. Scapegoat is one role a kid may be forced into.

What is it?: In brief, a toxic family role. Kids (& sometimes adults) in toxic families are forced into roles by family members & may be punished for trying to leave their assigned role. You can have multiple roles depending on which family member assigned it (some examples — child is dad’s mascot but mom’s scapegoat; uncle is dad’s scapegoat but mom’s mascot; sibling is other sibling’s scapegoat but dad’s golden child). This is one role a member of a toxic family may end up in.

⚠️Warning (below the cut): mentions of ab*se, neglect, & trauma⚠️

Why would a kid end up in this role?:

The simple answer is that their family is toxic, abusive, &/or neglectful, & manipulative.

This is usually the person who spots cracks in the façade. This is the person who starts realizing their family is toxic & breaking out of their previous role (golden child, ghost/hungry child, mascot, etc.). Instead of actually fixing things, the family gaslights that this person is crazy, overreacting, their memories are wrong, & they’re ‘actually at fault’ for anything & everything that goes wrong. They get ‘thrown under the bus’ (/met) by their own family for just spotting toxic things & giving up on their previous role. They realize that they’ll never be “perfect” enough, quiet enough, strong enough.....enough for their family, and they give up. But this breaks the family system, so others will lash out.

~~~

On occasion, if no one broke the mold yet or the mold breaker has cut contact, this is simply whoever is the easiest target for blame, shame, gaslighting & abuse. That may mean a very young child, or a person who doesn’t go to every single family function, or the queer, disabled, &/or otherwise Other™ family member that stands out.

((This role may also be called the Troublemaker or Black Sheep.))

What does this role look like?:

- “lazy” / unproductive

- may be sleeping a lot

- likely has anxiety &/or depression

- actually talks about what’s going on to friends, teachers, or other people they think they can trust (those people might break their trust)

- loud, taking up a lot of space, attention seeking (all or part of the time)

- rolling eyes, arms crossed defensively, etc. around other people &/or around other family members

- lashing out at friends, family, etc.

- “acting out” at school, church, etc.

- fight or flight response more often than fawn or freeze

- self deprecating or jokes about their trauma &/or assumed lack of worth/value

- social isolation (being trapped in the house, or blamed for many bad things, or etc. so that no one would want to be around you)

- behind closed doors, the family may deny this person their needs &/or desires (as bad as denying food, & as small as denying a gift you asked for (but lashing out when you get it for yourself) - the point is ‘you’re not one of us so we don’t have to take care of you’)

- ‘¡I didn’t f*cking [whatever they’re being blamed for]!!” (either saying it, or thinking it, or it shows in body language / facial expressions)

- others blame this person for things beyond their control, &/or things that someone else did (‘someone moved the remote, it’s your fault now because I want someone to blame’)

- their supposed ‘crimes’ are likely exaggerated, dramatized, & unrealistic or even impossible

- eventually leaves the family system entirely (moves away, goes no contact, etc.)

~~~

What does this role feel like?:

- constant shame (I am bad/evil) & guilt (I did something bad)

- overwhelmed

- chronic fatigue (you’re always exhausted & sleepy no matter how much you rest)

- gets physically ill often (because trauma weakens the immune system, especially when you’re aware it’s trauma & not supposed to be normal / not supposed to happen)

- lashing out, then regretting it

- dissociation (reality isn’t real + I’m not real)

- desire to / dreaming of leaving the family behind

- guilt & shame that you want to leave the family

- anger. frustration. rage. (this kind of anger stems from pain & betrayal)

- emotional isolation (because the whole point of scapegoating someone is to cut them off from help & from other family members)

- failure. like you failed your family.

- “I don’t belong in my family” (because they’re constantly treating you like you don’t) &/or “I don’t belong in any family because I’d be [terrible/a burden/etc.]”

- negative voices in your head; self deprecating

- “infected” abandonment wound (as in, it’s amplified on a regular basis because of how you’re treated)

~~~

If you were also put in this role, you deserve better & I hurt with you. You can leave your family & cut contact, you can heal, & you’re allowed to (not that you need my permission, but I know it can be reassuring to hear/see someone say it anyway).

If your sibling is in this role, it’s not your fault (it’s your parents’/caretakers’/egg &/or sperm donor’s/donors’ fault). You may want to gently let them know you believe them & are there for them. Stand up for them if you’re feeling brave, &/or break out of the family system with them & stick by their side.

~Lucca (soother, protector) & Ace (protector)

Don’t Fall In Love With Me

A Sanders Sides One Shot

Warnings: None (if I need to add any, let me know)

Pairings: Mutual Pining Logince, Background Patmile (Patton and Emile Picani)

Description: Roman teases Logan and the poor nerd is doomed

Word Count: 615

You can also find this story here on my ao3

Written based off of a prompt given to me by @adultmorelikeadolt

Logan snapped his book shut, letting out his breath in a huff. He could usually be counted on to keep level headed, but dealing with certain handsome overly dramatic idiots rendered him unable to do so. He adjusted his glasses before speaking.

“Roman. I understand that Mr. Waters gave us the option of pairing up for this project. However, please note the word ‘option’. I prefer to do projects on my own. Go find someone else to be your partner; why not ask Patton?”

The other boy pouted, brow furrowed. “Oh come on, Specs, you can stand having a partner this one time. It’ll be more fun if we work together! You need more friends, this will be a great opportunity. Besides, Patton already asked Emile to be his partner- in more ways than one, if you know what I mean.” Roman gave Logan a wink.

Logan raised an eyebrow. “I see. Well, I’m happy for them. And for your information, I have friends.” He gestured over to Virgil, who was lounging on the school wall like a cat in the sun.

Roman rolled his eyes. “I mean besides the Emo Nightmare. Broaden your horizons a little bit.”

“I heard that, Princey. You’re not exactly a dreamboat yourself,” Virgil called out. Logan couldn’t help but laugh as Roman made what could only be described as offended noises.

“Stay out of this, you… Jerky McJerk Face!”

“Is that really the best you could come up with?” Virgil retorted, but Roman paid him no mind. He flipped his long red hair behind his shoulder and turned back to face Logan.

“Please be my partner? Pretty please with Crofter’s on top?” Roman inched incredibly close. Logan was caught off guard and didn’t notice until Roman was practically on top of him. Logan looked up to see a flirty, mischievous look in Roman’s eyes and felt the blush creeping across his cheeks. “Are you afraid you’ll fall in love with me if we spend so much alone time together?”

“Wh- I, what are- no of course not!” Logan sputtered. Before either boy could say anything more, a teacher’s voice said, “Alright now kids, settle down.” They looked up to see Mr. Sanders walking by. He gave them a ‘that’s enough’ look.

Logan grumbled “I can hardly be called a kid,” at the same time Roman replied “No problem, sir! Just hanging out with my friend here,” and slung his arms around Logan’s shoulder. Logan waited for the adult to walk out of sight before promptly shoving Roman off of him.

“Alright, that’s enough. Just… if I agree to be your partner will you let me finish this book in peace?”

Roman gave Logan a triumphant grin. “Sure thing, Calculator Watch! I’ll meet you at the library downtown tomorrow around lunch time, and we can get coffee after.” Roman pulled a piece of paper from his pocket and wrote something down before handing it to Logan.

“Just remember, you can’t fall in love with me!” he said in a singsong voice. With that Roman walked away, leaving Logan to sit at the steps.

He sat there in stunned silence for a moment before looking at the paper. On it was a phone number and the words “call me later” with hearts drawn around it written underneath.

Logan felt his heart beating wildly in his chest. He seemed to be having trouble breathing. He might have stayed frozen there if he hadn’t have felt someone sit next to him. It was Virgil. He glanced over Logan’s shoulder to look at the note. Virgil laughed. “Saw that one coming. You’re in for it now, huh Lo?”

All Logan could do was nod.

A/N: I hope you all enjoyed this story! Reblogs are appreciated! Please tell me what you think! If you’d like to be added to (or removed from) my taglist, please let me know by sending me an ask. You can find me on ao3 at Storytelling_Sparrow. Thank you so much for your continued support!

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I had a rough day, and came to a realisation. I will say a bit about my own experience, and then, after having to lay the groundwork of explaining 400 things about Japan because American schools and media think the whole world is the US, Western Europe, and places to blow up, making explaining necessary, will tie it to Ichigo, or at least how I portray him.

I'm Post Dankai Juniors, growing up in Japan. So's Kubo, actually. The boundaries of this Japanese generation are roughly '75 to '85, Yutori, the following generation that's always translated and localised as Millennial, pretty solidly set as beginning at '86. These things are always fuzzy because you can't vivisect living brains and find the part that likes char siu buns and the part that likes jazz fusion. I *majored* in Social Science. You'll have teachers who say "it is absolute that we date people who are similar to us because we're all actually narcists." (It *might* be because they're like our beloved family or community. Narcistic Personality is not universal) But it really just is fuzzy, and that teacher/book author is an idiot. Anyway, Yutori is always translated as Millennial. I don't know the end boundary. Post Dankai Juniors covers almost totally a debated throe for Germanic nations (I know Britain, Germany, and Nederland use the same generations as America, and their languages are Germanic) because of how fuzzy it all is, though.

Anyway, so since coming to the US, my interactions with other Asians, again, how is this defined when China, Mongolia, Japan all border Russia and West Asia includes Jordan and Saudi Arabia, South Asia is India's area, Southeast Asia is Laos, Thailand's area, I mean, find the Arabic kanji. I don't think Thailand even uses soy sauce. What the heck IS Asia, really? (Or "Middle East" when half of that's Africa and the other half shares plate with Europe? )

Anyway, my experience with Asians that are Boomer ages tends to be people who immigrated as adults, who more identity with a generation like "Dankai" or "Sirake." My experiences with Latinos older than me... I've never actually asked if the generational labels are even the same.

The thing about that is that when the name is the same, it means enough cultural traits are shared.

My biggest experience with people who grew up under the term "Boomer" are Black and white.

I've noticed a unifying trait.

If they're something oppressed (Black, gay), their attitude tends to be"it is mandatory to stand up for *my* demograph...but kicking the person behind me on the ladder in the teeth is wholesome, pure, and fun."

Outing me to large groups and saying I "speak Asian" seem to be the most common two. Calling me "Chinese" long after I've cleared this up for them is a close third.

I mean, don't get me wrong--my experience with Italian Americans past GI generation has been that now acquiring the "white" label, just like biphobic/aphobic/transphobic cisgays, they're more often staunch priveledge defenders than cishet people of Anglo descent! And it's just as true for X and Y as it is for Boomer (for the latter, one need only look at NYC destroyer and trump defender Giuliani) I actually don't really identify with my Italian side at all because I was kinda locked out of making any meaningful connection.

But back to my point that even in so-leftist-it's-almost-not-America Bay Area, Boomers are still like this!

The kind of stuff that flows out a X/Y TERF's mouth, or the mouth of an X/Y person with a Confederate flag on his wall, American-raised Boomers say with ease regardless of their alignment! It's banananas.

(Please note that I also just have not met a whole lot of Native Americans, period, nor enough people significantly older than me from any one place in Africa, that was an omission of lacking data, not intended as erasure)

How I tie it to Ichigo--

So Kubo avoids specifying birth years for anyone.

When I see something like this, I generally assume date of publication, as do most people in most fandoms (which of course gets screwy when you have something endlessly rebooted like Superman or Batman or something eternally unchanging like Detective Conan)

Anyway, the first Bleach something published was the comic in '01.

I generally assume it was supposed to be the start of a new school year, as Ichigo doesn't know many of his classmates until at least the first test scores come out. So it's probably April or something.

If Ichigo was 15 then, he'd also be Post Dankai Juniors, just barely. If Ichigo TURNED 15 shortly after, during his adventure, he'd be undebatably Millennial.

Now, there is still something up with Dankai and Sirake. PM Abe is the latter, b. 1954. A lot of his age-peers are behind him. This is the guy who supports remilitarisation and was caught funding a private militarist/fascist high(?) school that teaches that people from countries Japan conquered during its brief phase of trying to beat colonial Europe are less than dogs.

Now, I left there as a teen. Clinton was US president. Scandals still got people kicked out of public office in Japan. I hadn't figured or come out yet. Sure, I got bullied for being mixed, but kids will pick if you like different singers than the "cool" ones. They'll pick based on what's in your lunch. That data is sausage.

I'm not 100% sure what Ichigo would face day-to-day sociopolitically as he grew up/aged. I haven't had living family since'95 there, and friendships don't get deep enough to ever last distance until at least high school. For me, adulthood.

But I've kept/caught up enough (you try keeping up in the South before the internet was more than ten University sites!) that I know he'd face fascists (c'mon, the guy takes on a martial law government to save a new friend--that's anarchist, he just doesn't seem anarchist in his own world. He only fights humans in defence) I'm not sure how he'd feel about the JSDF, but he only fought the sinigami's war out of feeling like it was his responsibility because the adults around him kinda made it so. I super don't see him being for *starting* wars. In a human war, I see him actually being like Sugihara Chiune, a historical figure who died when I was a kid who I majorly admire. He worked at a Japanese embassy in Nazi territory, and when the embassy was evacuated,he continued throwing passports to Jewish people to go to Japan from the train he was departing on,and is hidden from Americans in the same spirit that Martin Luther King is...pulled the teeth out of. (PS, speaking of,go Google Steven Kiyosi Kuromiya)

Also, Ichigo's whole schtick is defending those worse off than him. He's not someone I see defending Yamato Japanese priveledge. Heck, I could see him joining Uchinanchu efforts to get Parliament and the US base to leave them alone. I can easily see him sticking up for a Filipino domestic worker he met thirty seconds ago.

To this end, I think regardless of what he is, he'd have a large rub with Japan's equivalents of Boomers.

Not to mention that Abe supporters tend to be very sexist and queerphobic, which isn't even homegrown but imported from Américanisation. I mean, there were female warriors--assasins, which is what Yoruichi and Soi-Fon are styled after, and go look at some Ukiyoe, like Utagawa Kitamaro. Quite a few artists in the 200-ish years of the Edo period depicted life in the queer districts. I've also had people posit that Noh might've been a welcoming draw for trans people the same way drag was all over the US in the twentieth century and still is in rural areas, where there's less cisgay gatekeeping. But this isn't something I can reasonably research without access to plenty of older and not well known dusty documents, and lots of time, and I live in the US many years now. And do you know how much round trip airfare alone is!? Also, the language changed so much and I can't read anything before Meiji without dropping words. Rukia, Byakuya, Yoruichi all have made for TV old-sounding Japanese like period dramas. Actual 18th Century Japanese would be unintelligible to the unspecialised.

So this stuff isn't really native, but Abe and a lot of people his age support all these -isms.

I super don't see Ichigo being happy about this.

(I also feel like Issin's old enough to remember before these -isms, but that's my own thing. In my project, he was in those districts, but that's me)

At the same time, I'm still writing this through my own lens. Also, not still being there, I just don't have enough data on Yutori in adulthood, or the grown Yutori lens. Honestly, even most other immigrants I meet are older than that. Or older than that and their adorable three year old children. So I have no clue.

In the early 2000s, I got myself from the South to CA and began to reconnect, but began to is the key phrase. I can tell you right now that Abe is as much of a second phase of Nakasone as trump is of Nakasone's buddy Regean. But what shifted when, I can't say. I'm not entirely sure how Koizumi ran the ship, as it were. I know some things, but not enough to say.

But whenever things shifted however, and whichever year Ichigo was born, I just cannot imagine him being any more on board with current events than really anyone in my area not born between 1946-1964 and raised in America.

I feel like he'd probably be too tired or self-effacing to fight for himself, but he'd take on, loud and proud, any bigotry against *others.*

I...also can't really say I'm much different, except my joints are held together by the power of wishes, so I'm more like "get the victim to safety" than "give the attacker plenty of regret." So, I can only do anything in limited ways.

Ichigo is also entirely fuelled by the power of love. Lost his ability to protect and feels like his sinigami friends ditched him? Mondo depressed, however much he wants no one to notice--which most do a great job of ignoring! Everyone in his world turned against him for a guy who has attacked people close to him? Terrified, and murder can now be an answer. (Fullbring Arc)

I was going somewhere with that. I've forgotten, but I'll leave it.

But anyway, I feel like he really only comes close to fighting for himself when others are taken away from him in a way that's also wronging them.

So yeah, I super don't see him happy with current events or Sirake gen.

I'm not sure how much I see him fighting for himself as mixed panromantic grey-ace. I mean, we know he fights people who are about to punch his face in for his looks, but what else can you reasonably do at that point? Get your head bashed in? I'm not sure how much I see him fighting hateful words pointed at him versus resigning himself to "people are the worst." I mean, when he talks about being picked on, he kinda seems resigned, or at least like it's a fact, like shoes being for outside or something.

I guess I tied it to Ichigo a lot better than I thought!

But also, the struggle against people born just after the war is not just you, and not just America. It's a major problem.

And it's likely that Ichigo would agree.

So, I'm writing a young adult mystery novel. Since I'm writing for teens, what are some cliches to avoid? Do you have advice on making it a solid, strong story? I want it to be good and not something teens have read in a thousand other books. Also, is it okay to throw in a little romance for the protagonist? Or is that another cliche to toss out the window?

I’m going to list a few cliches out, both general and romance cliches. This is going to be a long post, so before I get started I’m going to recommend checking out some booktube videos about YA cliches. A lot of booktubers have read their fair share of YA (or a lot of YA, actually) and have made videos about those cliches. Check them out.

My list of cliches

General YA Cliches

-Orphan teen protagonist, or protag from an abusive home. It’s a very common feature in YA, which means healthier family dynamics is on the rare side when reading YA. Parents that are alive have little to no presence in the lives of the protag

-Teenagers never ask adults for help. A lot of the reason for this is because writers want the teens to handle all the problems, which is valid because that’s how you make the book interesting. But teens go to adults to solve problems bigger than them all the time, whether it’s teachers or parents or other adults. A way to counter it is that adults don’t always listen to teenagers because they think they understand the situation better than a couple of teens. That is just accurate to real life. Some adults will listen and try to help, but not all.

-The protag is impulsive and that never blows up in their face. It always works out. There should be consequences to at least some of their actions, whether they were impulsive or thought out.

-Avoid social stereotypes. Dumb jocks, bitchy cheerleaders, geeky nerds, moody goths, stoner slackers. Those character dynamics are one dimensional and don’t make for interesting characters. If you’re putting your characters into any of these boxes, you’re failing them and keeping them from having real personalities. They’re common in all media, but social dynamics in high school have changed in the last 10 years thanks to Gen Z and both their access to the internet and and to the world events they’ve lived through at such a young age. 

I’m going to assume your high school experience was more typical than mine and trust you to know the people you went to school with aren’t one dimensional  either. 

Romance/Romantic Interest Tropes (RI)

-Instant love. They’ve known each other for a week and now they’re madly in love. Maybe a connection that’s quick to happen, but saying it’s love too soon will sour the romance for the reader

-the idea that this relationship is forever/fated. A lot of teens might feel their first relationship will last forever while they’re in that relationship, but that is rarely the case. 

-There are no talks of consent in a lot of YA. There should be talks of consent in your romances. Because it’s teens I think writers have a duty to include talks about consent when they’re writing romance. Asking before they kiss is an excellent example. Something as tiny as “Can I kiss you?” before the first kiss is amazing. It doesn’t detract from romance in the moment, despite what some will tell you. Consent establishes trust between the characters. 

-Characters are very different people but their differences are working against the romance, not for it. Opposites attract is a real thing, and relationships between say an introvert and an extrovert are very cute. Relationships between characters who are morally different are not so cool. Relationships between characters from different backgrounds can be cute, but only if they try to understand and communicate their differences in a healthy way and respect their differences.

         The two people in the relationship should have interests and moral values            in common.

Male RIs

-The RI is kind of a jerk, truly an asshole if you really look at him but the protagonist seems to be okay with this and thinks it’s fine or forgivable because he’s nice to her sometimes. But he’s still a jerk to her.

-The RI is SUPER HOT. Like 6 feet and a six pack and a strong jawline and cheek bones and perfect skin. But they’re 16/17... I’m not sure why. This trope seems to be mostly male RIs, but I’ve seen it done in queer relationships. To be honest, I think writers who write their 16 and 17 year old characters like this probably haven’t seen an actual, living teenager in a while. They’re awkward and still not fully grown up. Teens don’t have six packs, and even adult men don’t have the toned, defined abs that you see in media. Most people with six packs have a layer of soft fat over their body because they’re supposed to have that to be healthy. Teens usually have soft faces and baby fat. They’re supposed to. Clear skin isn’t really a thing unless they’re lucky or have a great skin care routine.

With female RIs

-Manic pixie dream girl. A lot of female RIs are written in a romanticized way that keeps them from being three dimensional characters. A lot of male writers write their female RIs that way.

-in general she’s just one dimensional and there for the protag to have a romance, she doesn’t have her own personal values or any goals she wants outside of a relationship (like for her friends/family to be happy/safe or to get good grades or a part in a play or something like that)

Gay Pride Month 2018: I am Fluxsexual

So, I've decided to write about my pride, but not the boastful "Oh I'm perfect," pride. I'm talking gay shit. I don't know if that's really any better, but, honestly, it's one of the bigger facets of my being. I had always been gay and trans. Some of the earliest memories was me dressing as a boy, trying to pee standing up. They are memories I smile at and remember fondly, though I also have the scary, anxious memories as most of us LGBTQI people do. Remembering things like having my mom tell me I need to get a training bra (it literally wrecked my world because I had always seen myself as more masculine). Having to come out over and over again every time I found out something new about myself. That's always nerve-wracking.

So, I'm coming out again. Or, at least, explaining my seemingly complicated sexuality and gender. Do I need to? No, but I want people to understand me. I want to be open to those that have inquiring minds, or even harsh words. I want ignorant people to read this and scream at their god about how sinful I am. At least they now have some knowledge of our struggles as a community, even if they act like they don't. The main point is, this is for me. I don't care what others have to say or what they think. This is me. This is for those that wish to get to know me and to scare off those that thought they did. I don't need negative people who can't accept my fluctuating self. I am a creature of the universe and I will forever keep changing and growing. Get over it. #sorrynotsorry

I'm water, okay.

My gender and sexuality have changed many times. I started as a "straight", unknowingly-trans-cis female who didn't even really believe gay people existed. (Long story short, I had a very religious sperm donor who preached the words of his god and said how bad gay people where.) As I went through elementary school awkwardly I had a bad experience with a cis-male person. (I will need to write about it another time.) It left me fearing cis-male persons (and maybe even others). Though I didn't realize this fear until I was in high school. So, not knowing it was fear I chalked it up to hating men. Which I gave into. I would say things like, "All men are terrible/mean/gross/other means adjectives." I then just started saying I was a lesbian, cis-female throughout most of my high school years. I dated a female friend of mine eighth grade year, though our relationship was secret except to friends. People still somehow heard or assumed and picked fun at us. It was difficult. That was the first time I came out to my mom too. It was a very anxiety filled build up only to be told, "That's nice." I believe I eventually told her I was lesbian, but she would always tell me to, "Do whatever made me happy." I had also met my first actual gay person in seventh grade. At the time, she was a lesbian and talked about her girlfriend. I believe that got the wheels turning for me.

My freshman year of high school I was more "out". I would wear rainbows, but I was still a little nervous when others asked me about it. I had wanted to join my school's GSA, but was too nervous about it at the time. I also had a "boyfriend", but I never saw him because of the fear I was hiding. I avoided him like the plague and any guy that said they liked me. I would purposefully take a longer route to get to class to avoid any guys in that category. Eventually, though, I had to go to the library with a friend. He was there. My heart and mind started racing, I started sweating. I froze as he came towards me and wrapped his arms around me. I was like a scared rabbit or deer. If you had felt or heard my heart, you would have thought it was going to explode. He tilted my head up and kissed me, but all I did was freak out more. I buried my head in his chest and wrapped my arms in a vice like grip around him. I was internally freaking out. I literally didn't know what to do. Typing this now and remembering is giving me the same panicked feelings. Luckily, my friend must have noticed or felt how freaked out I was and grabbed me from him to drag me somewhere else. My savior. I don't know what happened to him, but I never saw him again after that.

I started going to anime conventions a lot with a friend as well and meeting people through that. I started dating a girl we had met at one of those events. She was nice, but lived in Phoenix. And had a boyfriend. She had, of course, cleared me with him first, so that was fine. I didn't mind at all. My first experience with an open relationship. That ended with her cheating, of course. We did try again after, but ended it about a month in. Distance is a killer for me. I also dated that same friend from before (my savior), though, looking back, I feel she is more asexual/aromatic. We broke up soon after dating.

I was a band geek as well, but only sophomore and junior years. Being in band is much like being in a really weird, sexually charged family. Especially with so many of us going through puberty and trying to find ourselves. A few guys in the band liked me, but I eventually became relaxed with it. They didn't do anything unless I told them it was okay. But I was still "lesbian". I had a couple weird experiences with guys through out my high school years, but I brushed them off as flings. I never had sex (and didn't until after I graduated HS). I also dated quite a few more females. Most, again, cheated on me. Sigh.

Through the Gay Straight Alliance club I was president of from sophomore to senior year, I was introduced to the Gay Lesbian Education Network (GLSEN) who would organize a little seminar for GSA's in Tucson. That was where I found the terms genderqueer and genderfluid. I feel I still embody both of those terms. I have feminine and masculine qualities, but I am also fluid through all sorts of genders. They also had meetings in Tucson to plan things like that and our GSA would go often and try and participate the best we could. I was also able to go to a retreat they put on up in NY right outside of NYC. It was a wonderful experience. It was where I had met my first trans people that were looking to transition. It was very eye opening. Hearing their stories started stirring something in my brain. This was the summer before senior year and I was 17 years old.

Though I had come to accept myself as gender queer/fluid, I had never really thought of myself as trans. I think it's because I really only thought of transsexual, as most people do. The night before we were supposed to leave, I had a break down. I sat outside on some grass and just started crying as realization set in. I had always been trans and I could actually see myself transitioning into a male. I don't think I was sad or scared from that, I was just sad because it had been repressed for so long. That, and the fear I had tried so hard to push down came bubbling up. I didn't hate men, I feared them. That ended up helping me define my sexuality as pansexual. I was able to go as Addem the next day as well as use male pronouns. It was so refreshing and felt nice. During senior year, my friends called me male and Addem sometimes. I was even marked absent one time because I was dressed and looked so masculine a substitute teacher would not accept me as who I was! I came out to my mom as well. She took me to a department store and bought me all kinds of male clothing. It was a better response than I could have asked for. Though everyone did not respect my pronouns and what not, I was still just happy. Sure, I had some kids make fun of me throughout my high school career, but kids are just dicks in general.

As an adult, I've also fluctuated. I had sex with a male at 19. We dated for almost 5 years and were even engaged. Though I had always wanted to have sex with a girl first, I was fine with the experience. I had told him I was into open relationships and he didn't seem opposed (when he actually was). I had met a few girls off of Craigslist (yes, I was one of those). We didn't really do much but hang out a few times, but it was still nice. Eventually, my fiance invited another female out for a night of drinking and sex with my first girl happened. She was ideal physically, though she really was not there to be my partner. She wanted just A as a partner, so we ended the relationship. Though she was the one that introduced me to FetLife. I was also on antidepressant/anxiety meds and put myself on Depoprovera shots. My sexual urges took a nose dive. Besides that point, A making me feel gross as a female and never respecting my gender identity. We didn't have sex often and I guess that made him feel I didn't love him? Thanks for the talk...

I got a coworker of mine into FetLife and going to meets. We played with her a few times and she expressed she was interested in being in a relationship with us. There was a couple of others we were in a temporary relationship with that ended soon after we started dating her. We'll call her AB. She had lied the whole time and just wanted A, to no surprise. What was surprising is how they cheated (there's a writing about them somewhere).

Now, my current partner(s), one of which is my spouse (@ekelarsons). Arson is an amazing human being and has helped me grow and express many of my suppressed dimensions. I'm able to say no without feeling bad. I am allowed to dress masculine and be called male pronouns. He uses my preferred pronouns which are "They/Them". It's beautiful.

Now, the point! I am water. I am forever fluctuating, flowing, bending, changing. "My sexuality is as fluid as my gender." is always something I like to say. I go from being hypersexual one week/day/minute to being completely asexual the next. I prefer female bodied partners, but have never been with a MTF person nor a FTM. Cis-males (and maybe FTM?) still scare me to no end, though I am sometimes sexually attracted to them (though older men scare me most, probably because I relate them to my sperm donor). I am usually demisexual with men, but sometimes I just want asexual relationship with one. I am usually highly sexually attracted to most female bodied people, but I get scared or nervous when being sexual with them (though I have had sex with women more than men). I also do this thing where I tell people I have a crush on them so if nothing can happen, I get over the feelings more quickly. I am an enigma. I am complex. My sexuality, gender, and attraction fluxes.

I am gender queer/fluid. I am fluxsexual. I am coming out once again with this term I was trying to make up, but also see others using on the internet. It fits since omnisexual is actually differently defined than what I was using it as.

Thanks for reading. :)

~Community Vocabulary~

Little- a little is a person who mentally (or physically) feels younger than they physically are. The term little is often a broad spectrum. It can cover all types of individuals who feel they are younger than their physical age. A little is roughly around the ages of 0-12. We don’t set these ages in stone because not every little has an age and not every little feels they represent the above listed age. Middle- a middle is a person who mentally (or physically) feels younger than they physically are. The term middle can fall under the little broad spectrum term. It is also known as Lolita & Nymphet. They tend to be mentally older than littles, more around the teen ages. So around 13-17. Once again ages are not set in stone because not every middle has a set age and not ever middle feels they represent the above listed age. Dominant- An individual who is the “top” in a BDSM relationship or BDSM spectrum relationship. They tend to be the person who makes the rules, and doles out the punishment. They are also the protector of their submissive. Submissive- A Submissive is an individual who is the “bottom” in a BDSM or BDSM spectrum relationship. They tend to be the person who receives the punishment and have to follow the enforced rules. They are the protected. Switch- An individual who enjoys being both a Dominant and a submissive. They are known as a switch because they “switch” roles sometimes within their relationship or with a different partner. Daddy Dom- a person who prefers a masculine identifying title, sometimes takes on the role of a Dominant but can be the submissive as well. Usually the caretaker for a little. Mommy Domme- a person who prefers a feminine identifying title, sometimes takes on the role of a Dominant but can be submissive as well. Usually the caretaker for a little. Caregiver- a non gender specific title that represents someone who sometimes takes on the role of a Dominant but can be a submissive. Usually a person who takes on a care taking/caregiving role to a little. Master- A term that is used for a person who tends to only strictly play a Dominant role. They can be the Dominant of a little, submissive, or pet. Big- Another non gender specific title that represents someone who sometimes take on the role of a Dominant but can be a submissive. Little space- The head space a little finds themselves in during their transition, regression or when they become their little persona. Some littles are always littles and always in little space. For others it’s something to regress into. Middle space- The head space a Middle finds themselves in during their transition, regression or when they become their Middle persona. Some Middles are always Middles and are always in middle space. For others it’s something they regress into. Agender- Someone who has no gender. They are genderless. Gender Fluid- A person who flows between gender. They tend to not have a set gender preference. One day they feel one way, another day they feel another way. Gender Neutral- A term that does not specify gender. It does not favor male nor female. Genderqueer- An umbrella term for all genders other than man and woman, or someone who simply identifies as another gender, a queer gender. Sister- A term commonly used in Poly families, for a person who Identifies as female and is an addition to the CGL group. They can also be a little, middle or ABDL but not always. Brother-  A term commonly used in Poly families, for a person who identifies as a male and is an addition to the CGL group. They can also be a little, middle or ABDL, but not always. ABDL- As stated above ABDL means Adult Baby Diaper Lover, people who identify themselves as an ABDL will commonly wear diapers and prefer to be treated as more infantile/baby/toddler ages. If a person wants to be treated like a baby but does not want to wear diapers they will call themselves an AB if an individual enjoys wearing diapers but not being treated like a baby they will often refer to themselves as a DL Androgynous- A style of clothing or appearance, androgyny is also a type of genderqueer, the state of being in between man and woman, or both man and woman. Demiboy-Someone partly a boy, and partly something else, without defining that other part. Demigirl- Someone partly a girl, and partly something else, without defining that other part.

Sexuality Terms & Defintions-

Poly- An individual who is capable of loving more than one person at once. They prefer the company of multiple people but not necessarily all at once. They also are not always sexually involved with their poly family members. It can be a non sexual relationship. Heterosexual- A person who is sexually attracted to an individual of the opposite sex. Gay/Lesbian- (better term other than homosexual???) An individual who is attracted to the same sex. Bisexual- A person who is sexually attracted to individuals in the same sex as well as the opposite sex. Asexual- A person who has no sexual feelings or desires towards another person. Pansexual- An individual who has the ability to be sexually attracted to a person no matter their gender. Aromantic- A person who lacks the desire or interest in romantic feelings towards another person. Panromantic- An individual who has the ability to be romantically attracted to a person no matter their gender. Demisexual-  An individual who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone. Demiromantic- An individual who only experiences romantic attraction after developing an emotional connection beforehand.

Kinks and their definitions-

Pet Play- a form of role playing that involves a person taking on the role of a pet and another taking on the role of the Master. Common examples are kitten, puppy and pony. Teacher/student- A form of role play that involves a person taking on the role of a student and the other the role of a teacher and acting out a sometimes sexual scenario. Rope Play- A kink that is not always sexual in nature but involves a person being bound, suspended, or tied in some fashion with ropes. Impact Play- A kink that involves spanking, flogging, cropping, paddling, or anything that involves “impact” on the body. (most commonly used in the CGL realm as spanking) This kink is not always a sexual kink. Wax Play- A kink that involves playing with heated and melted wax in safe conditions. Where an individual willingly pours hot wax (specialty bought for this purpose) on their partner or themselves. Certain waxes need to be used to prevent harm. This kink is not always sexual in nature. Age Play- a type of role play where an individual acts out an age younger than they physically are. They are playing out a role. Because of this they are not considered littles.

The Priest Incident

So this is a story I’m pretty sure I’ve told before, but not on this app. Content warning for this post: homophobic rhetoric, mention of sexual ab*se, inc*st and p*dophilia (not censored in the story), and suggested s*icidal ideation.

A little background before we begin: I grew up in a Christian household. Because of this, I went to religious school up until college. At the high school I went to there was a priest who taught one of the religion courses, as well as a few other subjects. There was also this one teacher whose classroom my friends and I would go to every day after school because he let us hang there. He was pretty chill. I’m also gay, which, if you’ve ever been to a conservative Catholic school, can get you quite a bit of harassment. Because I’m me and I have to be problematic at all costs, I often wore rainbow pride gear to school. There’s a specific reason for this other than clout, but I’ll get to that in another story.

Anyway, story time. One day I was standing in the classroom after school talking to a few of my friends and wearing a pride flag as a cape. You know, as you do. And for no conceivable reason, the priest I mentioned in the previous paragraph comes into the room and asks to speak with me. So I, not really caring about my day so far, went along with it and followed him into his classroom, which was down the hall. He told me to have a seat so I sat on a table, since, as I said, I absolutely MUST be problematic at all costs.

So after about 30 seconds of I don’t even know what, probably mental preparation, the priest asks me why I’m so focused on making a political statement. Knowing exactly what he’s talking about, I ask him what he’s talking about. He points to the cape I have on and asks why I always wear rainbows and how they all “get the message”. So I tell him that wearing a gay pride flag isn’t really a political statement, since the radical idea that gay people deserve to exist isn’t politics, just basic decency.

“It’s more of a human statement,” I said.

So the boy here decides to All Lives Matter this thing, asking why it has to be gay rights and why it can’t just be human rights, and saying that since he doesn’t wear a shirt that says “hetero” on it I shouldn’t wear rainbows and things that say gay. So I explain to him that it’s gay rights because historically gay people have not had rights, and how he doesn’t wear any “straight pride” things because it’s completely unnecessary in a society that has never shamed or devalued him or anyone else simply for being straight. He doesn’t get it and decides to move on.

“How do you know you’re really gay?” he asks me. I look him dead in the eye and respond:

“How do you know you’re heterosexual?”

He starts getting flustered and manages to get out something about how he feels attracted to women and how it makes sense to him “with the way people’s bodies work”.

“So what you’re telling me,” I said calmly, “is that you know you’re heterosexual because you’re attracted to women. Is that correct?” He said it was. “Cool,” I continued. “And I know I’m gay because I’m attracted to men.”

“But how do you know for certain?” he asked. I gave him a “don’t try me” look and he stopped with that line of questioning.

He then moved on to another topic: how he was scared of the gay rights movement™ because he felt it would lead to “total moral relativism”.

“Do you think there’s anything that’s not okay to do sexually?” he asked me. I said yes and rattled off a number of things, including sexual assault/abuse, pedophilia, and incest.

He then asked me how I could support gay rights but apply a “different set of rules” to things like incest. Being the feminist I am, I began a nuanced answer about how there is a lack of consent in situations involving incest or pedophilia, a problem that is not present when a sexual act is between two or more consenting adults. He interrupted me about halfway through a sentence, saying that he “disagrees” with the gay rights movement and how he fears it will lead to, as I said before, “total moral relativism”. I attempted to explain to him that his “concerns” were irrational and an example of the slippery slope fallacy, but he ignored me, saying, “if we separate the morality from an action like we’re doing with the gay rights movement, eventually everything will be acceptable”. I again started to tell him that this was the slippery slope fallacy, but he continued, saying that he felt that the eventual endgame of the movement would be the normalization of pedophilia. By this time, I was mildly annoyed by this boy wasting my time, and luckily for me, he said he had to go at that exact moment. Before he left, however, he invited me to have a more “public” conversation with him on this topic, an offer which I never cared enough to accept or even acknowledge in any meaningful way.

The reason this story is so important to me is not that it was a negative experience for me to go through. I mean sure, it was annoying, but I’m honestly kind of used to things like this by now. I’d been out for around a year at that point, and I’d seen my share of homophobic harassment. This was pretty mild compared to a lot of it. I really don’t care all that much about what happens to me. No, the reason I feel this story is worthy of telling is because I genuinely worry what could have happened if it had been someone other than me in that classroom. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if the person summoned into the room where it happened was a more vulnerable person and not the school’s very own openly gay guy they put on diversity pamphlets to show the board how “progressive” they are. What would have happened if that priest had pulled a young questioning student who didn’t know if it was okay for them to be who they are into that room and said all those things to them? What would have happened if he had grabbed a closeted kid who was just starting to think things would be okay for them as a queer person and gone on his rant about how he thinks gay rights will lead to pedophilia?

I often like to look at events in terms of their possible outcomes. And I see a few possibilities for that situation. Best case scenario sees that young closeted kid becoming radicalized by the incident and living proudly out of spite and defiance of a society that told them they couldn’t. A more realistic outcome has that kid either going back in the closet if they had come out already or staying in there if they hadn’t. They might repress their identity, treating it like their dark secret, and start to hate themselves for it. And, if I may get morbid for a moment, they might even consider drastic measures to avoid living in a society where that sort of thing happens to people like them.

In the end, this story is about what happens when people who claim to speak for God think they and they alone know what’s right and end up going too far.

If anyone has had a similar experience and wants to share, leave a comment. I’ll listen to your story.

Have a good night everyone. Stay safe. 🏳️‍🌈